Thwarted
by Perry Downing
Summary: Kylo Ren has become something more. The Light still pulls at him from time to time but after the price he has paid, he has been relentless in his pursuit of the Dark. And then when Snoke had dared stand in his way, tried to take Rey from him … new power had been born that day. Black and deep. The endless abyss that is Kylo Ren in love. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

He stands over Snoke's dead body, toeing it with his boot.

"You never should have stood between us."

* * *

He takes the blade and draws it slowly across his flesh, watching in detached fascination with his unmasked eyes as the blood beads, perfect red pearls that coalesce then lose their cohesion as they slide down his pale arm. This, the fresh rush of pain and control. He does this. It is his choice. He alone elects the pain, now. It quiets the noise in his head; it wipes Han Solo's face from behind his eyelids. It leaves him open and able to feel her, so perfect, so clean. He is a blank canvas and she paints such vivid, beautiful things across him.

She still won't have anything to do with him. It is infuriating, but he is dauntless in his pursuit. Someday she will see, she will understand.

So he closes his eyes and remembers her; remembers every single detail. Her hair, pulled back so tightly. He knows that her mane is meant to be wild and free, like her. He remembers her eyes, such an intoxicating blend of green and brown with flecks of gold. Like light glinting off the water in a stream. They are so very alive. Her skin … he knows it will be so soft under his fingers. How he wishes he had taken off his gloves and touched her flesh just once … just _once_.

Sometimes, when he is gentle, when he soothes along their Bond, she will speak to him. It's always fruitless, always difficult. She wants to hold him to account. But it is worth it for that blissful feeling of _her_.

He is cleansed; the sting of the blade has opened him up and he's feeling bold. He softly, almost kindly, whispers to her.

"Rey …"

He feels a pulse of interest.

"Rey … Let me in."

Oh, he can feel her … she's letting him feel her.

"Rey … Please, oh please. Do not deny me."

"What do you want?" growls across the Bond.

"Simply to talk."

"Talk. I heard about the massacre on Lenn. I do not _want_ to talk with you."

"That was necessary." His voice is clipped.

"You always say that. I don't believe that murdering people in cold blood is ever _necessary_."

"I see. Then Starkiller was only filled with _evil_ people?"

"I'm not getting into a discussion of ethics with _you_ ," she says snidely.

"They were in league with the Resistance. As I said, necessary."

"I'm leaving."

"Oh, but you only just let me in. Please stay a little while." He's not ready for the distance again. He never is.

She gasps. "Your arm, what … I thought you didn't do that any longer."

"Do not concern yourself." He has no wish to discuss _that_.

"But … you promised."

"I did not. I said I would consider what you said. Why do you care, anyway? You've made it perfectly clear you wish me dead. What is a bit of blood when you'd have it all spill on the floor?"

She has nothing to say to that.

Finally she says, "You know how this will go. One of us will become enraged and retreat and I'll block you again."

"It doesn't have to be like that," he says gently, his tone coaxing.

"Oh yes it does. And you're delusional if you think anything else."

"Perhaps I simply have a broader point of view."

"We both know your focus is _very_ narrow."

He thinks he may have to concede that point. Now that Snoke is gone he has only one goal. Has had only one goal since he first heard the words 'The Girl'.

"Tell me where you are," he pleads.

"No, don't even start with that. I'm leaving. This is a mistake. This is _always_ a mistake."

"I tend to think it is destiny, but you may deny it all you like," he says with an almost airy tone.

"You … I just … Goodbye."

"Just a little longer, it's been such a long time."

"No, I'm not … I don't know why you talk as if we have something. That we're … it doesn't matter, I'm leaving." And with that he feels her shut him out.

He sighs heavily. It never goes the way he envisions it. He closes his eyes in frustration. Then he opens them and picks up his blade.

* * *

He's poring over the latest reports, hoping the analysts have missed something. The stars streak by behind him. Though he has ascended through death to the position of Supreme Leader, he maintains his position on the Finalizer. He prefers to be mobile, able to seek _her_. He knows she is out there. He's tried to sway her, but he knows it is of no use. Now … now he will simply have to find her and _take_ her. She's made this choice, forced his hand.

He hears a throat clear at the entrance to his private office. Hux. It must be Hux. If he is frustrated and irritated, it is Hux. He doesn't even look up, just says, "What is it, General?"

"A new dispatch that might … interest you. Your … special project."

His head snaps up at that. His modulated voice asks, "Yes?"

"Sector 5 thinks they've found something. A remote planet, thought uninhabited. But it fulfills the specifications you provided. An ocean world, ancient signs of civilization but nothing modern. It's called Ahch-To."

He holds out his hand and pulls the datapad to him with the Force. It is a lazy display of power, something he often does now. Hux lingers. Ren is not sure why.

"Was there something else?"

"It is said you plan to lead this mission yourself. Do you think that is wise?"

"It is my intention, yes. As you know, this ... project is of great importance to me. I won't leave it to anyone else."

"You have new responsibilities now … Supreme Leader." He hears how difficult it is for Hux to use his title. He finds he likes it; likes how it grates on Hux. Knows that the General had always thought that he himself would finally win their little contest of wills. But no, it has been nine months since Starkiller and Kylo Ren has become something _more_. The Light still pulls at him from time to time but after the price he has paid, he has been relentless in his pursuit of the Dark. And then when Snoke had dared stand in his way, tried to take Rey from him … new power had been born that day. Black and deep. The endless abyss that is Kylo Ren in love. He had not known what it was at first, this strange feeling she had planted within him. But he knows it for what it is, now.

"I am aware of my … responsibilities. And this is the _single_ most important step the First Order could take."

Hux looks incredulous as he says, "All this, for a girl?"

Ren's head swivels to Hux at this, his attention focused on the General. He lifts his hand and gently squeezes, not so hard as to cut off Hux's air, just enough to remind him. Remind him that to live and to serve are one and the same. There will be no more questioning of him, no more games of one-upmanship. Ren has won and Hux must remember that.

"My apologies, Supreme Leader."

"Indeed."

* * *

Three days to Ahch-To. He's standing on the bridge, his gloved hands firmly behind him, watching the blue of hyperspace, lost in thought. He's remembering how he came to be standing on the bridge of what is without a doubt _his_ ship. They're all his, now. He shouldn't enjoy how much this vexes Hux, but he does. He'd always planned to arrive here; he'd known that he was of limited utility to Snoke. He simply had not expected it to come so quickly.

But Rey had changed everything. _Everything_. She'd reached into his life and altered its course, like a great river being redirected. One might think the act of killing Snoke was one of disloyalty, but that would be wrong. He has always had his own code, his own view of right and wrong. Snoke had simply moved to the other side of the ledger.

He's remembering when he began to realize there was an … issue with Snoke.

After Starkiller and his absolutely _humiliating_ performance, he'd been summoned. He'd found himself in front of his Master, kneeling, fighting to hide the pain in his side and the burning ache that went along his face and straight into his heart.

"Kylo Ren." Snoke had been quiet for a very long time. Kylo had kept himself in check, stemming the memories of previous … punishments.

"Clearly I have failed you, my Apprentice," Snoke had said sadly. Kylo had been wary, uncertain of what to think or say. He had expected chastisement, not this nearly paternal tone.

"Obviously there is a flaw in your training for you to come to me slashed open, beaten, your shame written across your face with such _garish_ clarity," Snoke said derisively. Now that – _that_ had made sense. Snoke would often mock him. He would tell himself that it didn't matter even as it always did.

"No Master, no! The fault is mi-" he'd said on instinct.

" _Silence_ , boy." He'd been filled with fear, then. That was the moment he'd understood how very _angry_ Snoke was. "You will speak when I ask it of you and _not_ before." Snoke had radiated fury. Kylo had known no sound would come from his lips no matter what was done to him. Not until Snoke bid him speak.

"You let this _girl_ , this lowly scavenger from _Jakku,_ best you? What am I to do with you now, hmm? You have failed, oh so spectacularly. And yet, and yet, you did succeed in ridding the galaxy of the last of the _Solos_. Do you see my quandary?" Kylo had only nodded sharply.

"We should be _celebrating_ you, Kylo Ren, for your triumph over your unfortunate origins _was_ impressive. But somehow, instead of bringing her to me, as _I instructed_ , you allowed yourself to be overtaken by a slip of a girl, just over half your age. It is a predicament." Kylo had simply stayed on his knees, his head bowed. He'd closed off everything the name Solo stirred within him, knowing he needed to focus. His Master had been even more intimidating in the flesh; he could _feel_ the power when he was near Snoke. He had found he preferred the massive hologram.

Snoke had drawn very close then, his tall frame looming over Kylo. He'd reached out his long, skeletal hand and used one finger to tip Kylo's face up to him, trapping Kylo in his cold, insect-like gaze. He'd felt the tendrils of Snoke _seeking_. Normally, he would only find what Kylo wished him to find – Kylo had learned long ago how to protect his softest places. But that day … that day he had been in pain and distracted, the embryonic Force Bond already weaving itself through his body and mind, soul and heart. His heart … oh he'd really had no _idea_ what was coming.

And so he had faltered and felt as fleeting images and feelings from his battle with Rey were pulled from his mind. He'd felt Snoke linger on that moment in the snow-covered forest when their sabers had crossed. He'd been mesmerized by her face, offering to teach her, to show her things. Anything to sway her, to _keep_ her. He had felt as Snoke had pulled out one particularly damning thought, "Beautiful …"

Snoke had then lifted his head, as if he were a predator scenting the air for his prey. "You _let_ her live! I told you bring her to me, and instead you allowed her to escape! She should be here or dead," Snoke had thundered. "Explain, Apprentice. Now," Snoke had said, menace wrapped around every syllable.

"She is so strong in the Force that I had hoped she would prove useful to us. It seemed wrong to simply strike her down. I know I should not have let her get the upper hand, but properly trained she could be formidable!"

"Ah, I see … while my Starkiller was being destroyed you allowed yourself to fail because you thought she might be _useful_." Snoke's voice had been full of scorn.

"I … I want to train her, show her there is a better way."

"Train her." Snoke had moved to the massive throne in the middle of the room and had regarded him for a very long time. "I think, Kylo Ren, that your feelings are much more _base_."

"No! I was only thinking of the First Order," he had rushed to answer.

"You know that I am aware that simply is not true," Snoke had sneered.

"I admit, she is … tempting, but I would never put such things before your interests. I promise you, she is _important_."

"It is moot, as you did not succeed in _procuring_ her," was all Snoke had said. He'd dismissed him then.

He'd removed himself, thinking quickly. He had revealed far more than he'd intended, far more than he'd really been aware of himself. Having the image of her delicate face brought so forcefully forward had … done something to him.

As he'd walked back to his quarters on Snoke's ship he'd felt the first true whisper of the Bond. He'd _felt_ her; felt her thinking about him. Wondering if he'd survived. He'd known then what this was and he'd been _terrified_.

Pulling himself back into the present, he continues to stand, watching the galaxy move past the viewscreen. It is time to call his Knights together. Though he'd seen each of them within the last few months, his instincts are telling him to gather them near. It has been too long since they have all been together and there is still the issue of Skywalker. He hopes that when he finds Rey he will find the Jedi as well, but he will not split his focus. His Knights, however … they could be quite helpful in handling _that_ little detail.

Once he'd killed Snoke he'd moved quickly to solidify his position, ensuring his place as leader of the First Order. He'd toured all of the Resurgent-class Star Destroyers, making sure he was seen and that none doubted his power, checking on each of his Knights in turn.

He currently has them stationed on Star Destroyers throughout the galaxy. While the dynamic has some … issues, he finds he likes the idea of his most loyal followers shadowing his Generals. The Knights had always had a slightly different agenda than that of the First Order. It was important to maintain that balance. And of course, it infuriated Hux to have the military subverted in this way. He knows it is petty to still delight in tormenting the supercilious ginger General, but he has so few amusements. Soon, he thinks. Soon he will bask in _her_ and will have no need for _any_ of this.

He's certain that Ahch-To is it. That this is where she is training. He knows it is a water planet, with many islands. He's seen flashes, glimpsed the blue and the green of the place. There have been other planets, but this is the one he's sensed most frequently. Oh, my love … I am coming for you.

* * *

He's back in his quarters on the Finalizer, knowing he should sleep, just as he knows he won't find rest easily. He's too excited; too ready for what he's _sure_ will happen next.

He will find her on Ahch-To, find her and bring her back here to her new home. She will fight him, of course, but he is prepared for that. He will show her, gently, that she has nothing to fear from him. She will learn to accept him. He remembers how he'd felt, with those first tentative touches through the Bond fluttering against him. It had been almost erotic. He'd felt her confusion at the constant thrum of _him_ through the nascent Bond. Four days after Starkiller, he'd been the first to reach out. He remembers.

"Rey?" he'd called out across the vast distance between them.

"What? Who is this?"

"I think you know who this is," he'd said softly.

"How are you doing this? Get out of my head!" She'd been panicked and had been desperately trying to hide this fact from him. But when the Bond had first been formed, she could never hide her feelings from him, not like she could now. She'd learned quickly. He wishes she hadn't.

"I'm not doing this, _we_ did this. Together."

"I never did anything – you're lying." She had started to sound fearful, then.

"I have never lied to you. I will _never_ lie to you." He had been so careful, so cautious. He hadn't known such gentleness lived within him. He knows now that she brings out so many things that he's certain only she can.

"What … what _is_ this?"

"I believe we have formed a Force Bond."

"I … I don't want it."

"It is done. We are Bound, Rey." He'd felt her terror. It had hurt him.

"Please get out of my head, please. I don't want this." He'd been conflicted, wanting to know more of her, wanting to delve into her mind and know _everything_. Wanting to comfort her. His … fascination was turning quickly, even then.

"This doesn't have to be a bad thing; you could learn so much from me."

"I've learned enough from _you_."

"You did manage to gather quite a bit when you were in my mind, didn't you? Wouldn't you like to know more? More about this power that swirls inside you? Imagine mastering it, bending it to your will. You can do so many amazing things, Rey." He'd felt her curiosity. About the Force … about him. That feeling-that sense that she wondered about him, wanted to know more despite herself – it has sustained him through these nine long months of hunting and constant disappointment.

He'd felt her trying to push against him then, not unlike how she'd managed to fight him off on Starkiller. He'd withdrawn quickly, not wanting to give her time to learn how to block him. He'd known it was only a matter of time and he wasn't willing to help her with that.

He remembers sitting in his quarters after that first heady contact, reveling in the feelings she'd inspired. He'd never felt anything of the sort and he'd had no place to put them, no words to describe the excitement, the want, the _high_. He knows now what she had kindled in him, but at first he'd simply wanted to _have_ her. He hadn't been able to even fathom what he would do with her once he did, not like he can now.

Because now … now he knows _exactly_ what he wants.

* * *

Thank you to my splendid beta, Meaghan M/Juulna, who has graciously agreed to beta my second fic.

Thank you for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: FF is presently having issues and I am unable to respond to reviews. Please know that I treasure every single review and will be responding when FF allows it.**

* * *

" _Ben!"_

The echo of his nightmare rings out in his head as he sits up, fighting for air, the sheets tangled around him. He feels the shameful tears on his face and he wipes them away angrily. The nightmares are growing worse and he almost wonders if _she's_ behind it. He wouldn't put it past her.

He checks the time. Early, but not enough time in the cycle to warrant bothering to try to sleep again. He's coming apart at the seams, losing his perspective. He knows he is. He knows that he's being driven mad by his pursuit but he does not care. Two more days to Ahch-To. To Rey.

He strides into the 'fresher and steps into the punishingly cold water. He hopes the shock will clear his mind.

* * *

He's walking the decks, his mind racing with all his hopes and dreams. He's trapped in his own head and he can't quite break out of this strange place of living in the past and the future. Now is simply waiting and he's having trouble focusing on anything but her.

He decides to check on her quarters. He spends much of his time there, imagining, perfecting, _longing_. Sometimes he wants to change his plan, to simply expand his own rooms so that she cannot misunderstand. But he knows that Rey must be handled deftly. Still … it is a delicious thought, and he rolls it around in his head. Thinking of a time when she will always be with him, when she's given him everything that he wants. Because that is what he wants. _Everything_.

He removes his glove from his hand and opens the door with his palm. He will allow her much, but he will _always_ have access to her quarters. Once she is his, he will not be ignored.

He's hit by the rich, green scent immediately. He's had her rooms filled with living things, lush plants and decadent flowers. Lightly scented orchids and graceful ferns adorn nearly every surface. He _knows_ his scavenger. He pulls the other glove from his fingers and gently glides them over the leaves and petals as he walks through her space. He feels close to her here, it's so easy to see her bright, open face among the flora. He imagines her delight when he shows her what he's done for her. His Rey will never suffer in the coldness of space.

He remembers those first days, when she hadn't known how to block him. He'd been in his quarters, healing as demanded by the medical droids. The Bond was growing quickly; he could feel her presence constantly, like the sun on his face. He'd get flashes of feelings, too. She had been afraid of something and there were bursts of hopeful affection. He had been intensely curious about who had inspired those warm need to possess her had grown so quickly that he'd already found himself fighting against a jealous rage, confusing him in its intensity. He'd felt her concern for that errant Stormtrooper, the quality of her feelings distinctly different than that disturbing _affection_. Apparently FN-2187 had lived. Very little had gone right on Starkiller.

He had decided not to block her, letting his own emotions bleed through. It had been a risk, but he'd found that he had wanted her to … know him. Lying on his bed, he'd quietly, tentatively reached out through the Bond.

"Rey …"

"Leave me alone." Her response had been immediate.

"I _know_ you can feel me, too." He'd been so naive, thinking he could reach her.

"Well I don't want to."

"But you still can."

She had been quiet for a very long time before she'd said, "Yes."

"We don't need to be enemies."

"Oh really? So you're just going to leave the First Order then? Bring Han Solo back to life?" She had been vicious, then.

"Don't talk about him." It hadn't even been a week yet, and he had not yet … come to terms with Han Solo.

"Bothered that you killed your own father?"

"Rey, please … it's complicated." He'd wished then that he knew how to explain it to _himself_.

"Why do you even care what I think?"

"Because … because … didn't you feel it? On Starkiller?" He hadn't been able to imagine he'd been alone in his feelings. He still can't.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she had said defiantly.

"I think you do," he had said quietly.

"Don't tell me what I feel. Just leave, or be quiet. Just stop talking to me!"

"Let me teach you; you need someone to show you how to wield the Force."

"I'll figure it out. The Resistance will help me." He'd felt that sense of strong affection again.

"The Resistance. You'd throw your lot in with a group of radicals?" He'd hated that they already held such influence over her. He hates it still.

"Better radicals than _murderers_." He had ignored the slight.

"You don't owe them anything. You're free to leave at any time."

"Well I don't owe you anything either, except maybe a lightsaber through the chest," she had nearly growled.

"You still want to kill me?"

"Yes. No. I don't know," she had said uncertainly.

"Consider letting me teach you, please?"

"No! I'll never let you anywhere near me." Oh how that had _stung_.

"Rey …"

"Stop, please. Just … please just leave me alone. Please?" she had pleaded with him. She'd sounded so small, it had touched him.

"Alright Rey … I'll go." He'd withdrawn and had looked at his ceiling for a long time. He had started to understand what sort of trouble he was _truly_ in, at that point. Leaving her, it had made him _ache_. He had grown frustrated then. Who had inspired such warm, tender feelings in her? While he had begun to comprehend why it had bothered him so, the powerlessness it had inspired in him had left him breathless.

What would she think if she knew it was she who had opened him up fully to the Dark Side? That his desire to have her by his side had brought him the focus he'd always sought? That this Bond between them helped him channel his power in ways he'd never even _dreamt_ of? The pull to the Light was dwarfed by his _need_. He would do anything, _become_ anything in order to have her. He walks throughout her chambers, ensuring that everything is still perfect. He remembers the first time he had trained after the Bond had formed.

He'd been told by the medical droids to keep it light, not put too much strain on the wounds. But he hadn't listened. He'd gone to the training room and had been practicing with a sparring droid when he had first noticed it. He wasn't consciously focusing his power. To think it was to do it. The Force flowed through him with such ease he'd almost been afraid. It was as if it what had once been a stream had become a river. Now … now it was an ocean. He was able to do things he'd only ever read about, always having assumed they were nothing but myths and tales for children. But no, they were quite real.

He thinks it's the Bond that has opened him up in this way. That somehow her Light is balancing his Dark and he's no longer struggling and fighting himself. He is in tune with the Force, able to wield it to terrifying effect.

He remembers how he had hid his new … affinity from Snoke. He'd been called again, a week after his first audience since the loss of Starkiller. He'd been much more confident, he had been healing quickly and his burgeoning power had given him a sense of safety he hadn't experienced … ever. But he had sensed that Snoke should not know. And so he'd gone to his knees in front of his Master and waited patiently.

"I have decided that it is time to finish your training. We will begin to study Force lightning and body manipulation," Snoke had said with no preamble.

"Thank you Master, I am very grateful." He had kept his manner subservient, trying to remember how he usually conducted himself.

"But first, I do believe a demonstration is in order."

"Master?" He'd known then that the punishment he'd anticipated was coming.

"You may have succeeded in the task I set you when you took your father's life, but you showed such a lack of judgement in regards to the girl." Snoke had sounded resigned.

"Of course, I deserve whatever you deem appropriate." He'd known he deserved this; that he had failed. He'd known he was drifting from Snoke's path, even then. He wonders if he could have overpowered Snoke that day; wonders if should have tried. He had attempted to make peace with pain, had learned to control it in his own ways, but the knowledge of what was coming had still filled him with dread.

"Stand, _Apprentice_." Snoke had said the word 'apprentice' as if he found the subject lacking in all ways.

He had gracefully stood and waited for what he kept telling himself was as it should be. He had failed his Master. This was right and proper. The first whispers of 'fight' had begun that day, however.

Snoke had approached him, then. He'd stood in front of Kylo and turned his head slightly, a cruel grimace taking shape. "You know this is your due for your failure."

"Yes, Master."

He'd felt the first bolt of Force lightning like a live current coursing through him. It had scrambled his senses, leaving him without breath. Every nerve in his body had been on fire and he had started shaking. He knew this agony, _intimately_. But he had not called out; he had _not_ wanted to give Snoke the satisfaction.

The blue bolts of energy had engulfed him, and every point in his body had been dancing with _pain_. He'd felt it as the Force began to pull him apart, as if his molecules were being ripped in different directions. He'd felt the lightening race along his newest scars, grateful that they hadn't opened. He had fallen to his knees, unable to keep himself upright. He'd been breathing hard, concentrating on not biting his tongue clean through.

"I know you like to show me how strong you are, but today you will _scream_ , Kylo Ren," Snoke had promised.

He'd wanted to raise his hands and throw Snoke across the room, to defend himself. But he'd controlled himself and made himself take it. Snoke was relentless, his gruesome face twisted in an expression of almost pleasure. He'd increased his attack, and Kylo had started to writhe on the floor. But still Kylo had refused to let out a sound. Something was shifting in the Knight; he hadn't wanted to submit to Snoke, not like he always had in the past.

"Don't test me, Kylo Ren," Snoke had hissed. The lightning stopped and the quality of the pain had changed. Instead of coming from without, it was building from within. Kylo had felt it as his blood became like acid and the Force had begun to scrape against his nerve endings. Snoke had never done this before, only explained the theory. Kylo _had_ begun to scream, then. "Never defy me again, Apprentice."

The exquisite agony had seemed to go on forever; he had thought Snoke might kill him. All thoughts of fighting and defense had left his mind, and he'd been reduced to instinct only, a reactive creature of _pain_. Then it had stopped and Snoke had chuckled softly and said, "Your control does you credit, but remember that when I say you will do something, _you will do it_."

Snoke had retreated then, leaving him gasping on the floor, shuddering with the aftershocks of Snoke's torture. As the pain faded, he'd felt her through the Bond. Her voice had flooded his mind as it cleared.

"Are you alright? What's happening to you!?" She had sounded desperate. Her worry had meant so much to him.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine."

"But … I felt … you were screaming." He'd realized then that he'd projected his experience through the Bond. He would have to be more careful. He'd been seized then with the crippling fear that the physical sensations might have traveled, too. The particulars about Force Bonds were scarce; he hadn't known what could happen.

"What did you _feel_?" he had demanded fiercely, terrified that she'd been hurt.

"N-nothing, I just heard you calling out." He'd frightened her with his intensity.

"Good … good." The relief had been overwhelming.

"But … what happened?" she had asked cautiously.

"I … displeased Snoke. I was being punished." He had been feeling weak, drained. He'd not been thinking clearly. He never would have admitted it otherwise.

"Punished? Why?"

"For Starkiller." For letting you live, he had almost told her.

"But … that wasn't your fault …" His Rey had been so confused. The world was so black and white with her. Right, wrong, fair, unfair. He smiles at the memory of her concern.

"It doesn't matter." He'd found the strength to stand and had made his way out of Snoke's audience chamber. He'd known he needed sleep, that he should withdraw from the Bond, but her presence had soothed him so.

She'd been silent then, lingering. Finally she had said, "But you'll be … alright?" He had been so hopeful; her wish for him to be safe had filled him up.

Standing in her quarters, caught on the fringes of the memory still, he laughs bitterly. It had had nothing to do with him; it had simply been her kind nature. He'd been in such a state, the pain making him more open. He remembers how he'd misstepped then, revealing his _need_.

"Rey … please, this Bond between us, it _means_ something. Come to me, please come to me."

"What? No, no!"

"But … don't you understand what's happened?"

"I don't care – you're a monster!" He'd been so shocked by her change in tone and he had been in no shape to keep up with it.

"I know you feel it, too!" he had thrown back at her.

"I don't know what you're talking about – go away," she'd said sharply.

"Rey, Rey, please don't deny what's happening."

"I don't even know what _is_ happening. Leave me alone."

"But you reached out to me ..." he'd entreated.

"Only because your screams were filling my head and I couldn't think!" she had shot back furiously.

"I'm sorry for that, but you must see now that we have a connection. You can't keep denying it."

"I can and I will. I'll figure out how to keep you out of my head, just like I did on Starkiller!"

That had been the moment he'd lost her, lost the ability to reach her unless she allowed it. He had felt as she remembered how she'd pushed him from her mind while she'd been in the chair. He had felt how the connections had burst in her mind and suddenly the Bond was silent.

He goes into her bedroom, then. He runs his hand along the bedspread, feeling the softness of the silk. It's a light, airy room, as far from the darkness of the rest of the Finalizer as possible. He has ensured everything is as perfect as he is able to make it. He sees her here, sleeping. He imagines joining her, pulling her to him. He can almost _feel_ the weight of her in his arms, the press of her soft body against him, and he sighs. She will not sleep alone for long, once he has her.

.

.

* * *

Thank you to my stupendous beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. She is a tense wrangling queen!

Thank you to everyone who reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing. I love hearing what you think! Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	3. Chapter 3

His eyes spring open. Today … today they arrive at Ahch-To. He vaults from his bed, barely able to contain his anticipation. He readies himself quickly, eager to begin preparations. As he dresses he thinks on the chase; she has eluded him before, but not this time. He's certain this time he will be successful. He will finally have her.

As he readies himself he thinks on everything that has led him to this day. Snoke had called for him shortly after his … punishment. He would begin to train him in Force lightning, as he had said he would.

Snoke had stood over him, his gaunt frame swallowed by long, dark robes. "Apprentice, put out your hand and attempt to gather your anger and hatred, feel it coalesce in your palm. You will not feel it as lightning at first, simply a slight tingle. Before you will be able to call the lightning you will first experience sparks; that is the first step. Focus, feel your rage, and give it form."

Kylo had reached out then and thought of what he wished to do to whomever it was that caused Rey to feel those disturbing flashes of affection. Blue energy immediately arced between his fingers and Snoke's brows had risen.

"Surprising, my Apprentice. Perhaps I should have sent you to kill Han Solo years ago." Kylo had bristled at that. He had known he now had access to far more power, just as he had known it had nothing to do with … what he had done. He had stayed silent.

"Let it build, feel your rage. _Feel_ how they betrayed you, _feel_ how they _lied_ to you," Snoke had said. His anger had spiked then, as it always did when he thought of his _family_. He had felt the Force moving through him, the feeling almost pleasurable as the energy traveled through his body, gaining strength. He had imagined what he would do to anyone who dared touch Rey. Soon the lighting was streaming from his fingertips, scorching the floor. He had never felt _anything_ like that. The rush of sheer power had been _exhilarating_.

"Good, good! Feel your hatred, feel the power of the Dark Side." Snoke had sounded genuinely pleased. Kylo was concerned that he had tipped his hand, shown how things were shifting within him. He'd lost focus then and the lightning had died.

"You impress me, Kylo Ren. True, you are powerful, but you've not shown such focus before. Perhaps my lessons are finally bearing fruit." Kylo had known he needed to show the appropriate deference, though it had been growing harder to do so. He sees now that Snoke was already very suspicious of his burgeoning power.

His comm chirps, interrupting his reverie. "Supreme Leader, we have arrived at Ahch-To. We're stationed on the far side of the moon as you requested." He smiles. It would not do for her to know he's coming.

* * *

He's in his shuttle, traveling to Ahch-To with two transport ships filled with Stormtroopers. He can barely contain his excitement. She is waiting for him and he will see her soon. He has not seen her for _months_. He is lost in his memories as the shuttle descends.

A month after Starkiller he had been called to Snoke again, his training progressing quickly. He had assumed it was to be another such session.

"Apprentice. You are fully healed and are … _responding_ to my tutelage. It is time for you to lead a new mission." He had been surprised; Snoke had always been slow to trust him again after failure.

"Yes, Master."

"There are whispers of a new Resistance base on Rav-ul. Our forces were too late to capture them on D'Qar," Snoke had said.

"I will leave immediately." He had been filled with such hope. Rey!

"If you find her, you will either bring her to me or kill her. You will not let her escape you again." Snoke had not bothered to clarify who he meant and Kylo had not seen it for the test that it was.

He had readied himself quickly, leaving Snoke's ship within the day. He had rendezvoused with the Finalizer, finding preparations already underway.

He remembers how he'd felt, waiting in his shuttle, much as he is now. He remembers his disappointments from previous attempts to capture Rey, and is certain that today he will succeed. After so many failures he senses that this is very different. He _knows_ she's on Ahch-To.

As he hears the landing sequence begin on his shuttle, he remembers the first time she had escaped him after Starkiller.

They had arrived on Rav-ul to find the Resistance ready and Kylo had landed in the middle of a fierce battle. He had moved through the fighting, trying to feel for Rey. He'd battered against the Bond and sensed that she was near. Suddenly it had opened and her voice had filled his head.

"You!"

"Where are you?" he'd roared into their Bond.

"How did you find us?"

"That doesn't matter, I'm coming for you. Where are you?" he'd demanded again.

"I won't let you get me."

"You're outnumbered; surrender and I'll let your friends live."

"I will never surrender to you!" She had faltered then and he'd caught a glimpse of her near the Millennium Falcon. She was with the evacuation. He'd orientated himself and taken off towards the hangar. He'd crossed the field of battle, deflecting blaster bolts from both sides as he ran. He would not allow her to escape him a second time.

Then he had seen her – just a glimpse. She must have sensed him, because she had turned then. They had both stood, transfixed. She had seemed frozen, looking at him, and her eyes had been wide and unreadable. He had remembered himself then and had started moving towards her again. As he had advanced on her she had blinked and scrambled up the ramp, and he'd watched helplessly as the Falcon had begun to ascend, holding his … he hadn't yet accepted it entirely.

He had still been telling himself this was duty; this was for the First Order. Oh, how he had lied to himself those first weeks. He no longer tells himself such foolish tales. He knows what he feels for her, what he has perhaps felt for her since that first moment.

Instinct had taken over then; he'd reached out with the Force and _pulled_. The Falcon had wavered, and he had been shocked to realize he was affecting the ship with his power. He had concentrated hard, trying to pull it back, to force it to land. He'd almost had her, but the Falcon had broken free from his hold and he could only watch as it had shot away into the sky.

He could easily hold the Falcon now, however; he has yet to find the true limit to his power.

It's time. His shuttle lands; a great black bird, dwarfing everything. He has always liked his shuttle, and had no reason to change it once Snoke was gone.

Snoke. What a fool – what a _blind_ fool. All that power and all he had managed was to conquer. Kylo is much more … focused.

He strides down the ramp from his shuttle. Stormtroopers have already swarmed the island. Surrounded by an endless sea, he thinks that she must gaze out on this ocean. That he's spoken with her, here; that this is where she's been hiding. The Stormtroopers search as Kylo Ren stalks through the fallen temple. There are intricate carvings, faded with time. Stories of the ancient Force-users decorate the walls. He wonders if this is why _he_ chose this place. Could this be the first Jedi Temple that had so fascinated Luke Skywalker? He scoffs. Such a weak, deluded man, full of lies. He cannot believe he had followed him for so long. The Force is so much _more_ than the _Jedi_ had ever imagined.

He finds a dwelling and he's overwhelmed with the feeling of _Rey_. He locates her room and gasps. Pieces of her are _everywhere_. He sees the signs of her collecting ways. He smiles – oh, his beautiful scavenger. There is a collection of oddly shaped stones and badly decayed relics. The clothing is gone and he stills.

Gone; her clothing is gone. She must be here, she simply _must_. He's so _close_. He refuses to let in the possibility that she has already fled. He's not sure he can keep his sanity much longer if she's managed to evade him yet again. Doesn't she understand what she's _doing_ to him?

There, on the table by her bed, is one of the pieces of leather she uses to hold back her hair. He slowly removes his glove and feels it between his fingers; feels the softness of the leather, knowing it's _touched_ her. He slips it into the folds of his robes, feeling it slide against his hand as he deposits it for safe-keeping. He will add it to his collection.

He remembers how he had combed the empty base on Rav-ul, desperate for any hint of Rey. He'd found her quarters, much as he has now. She had not had time then, to remove anything. He'd found a long scarf that smelled of her. It has long since lost her scent as he runs it through his fingers so often, imagining it against her skin. He fantasizes about his latest acquisition, about pulling this scrap of leather from her hair, raking his fingers through her long chestnut waves. He's paralyzed with the aching, constant need to feel her against him.

It's never far, the desperate urge to reach for her, to batter against the Bond, demand her attention. But he has tried that and it only leaves him exhausted and unmanned. She knows what he wants and _still_ she denies him.

He remembers the first time he genuinely tried to break through her defenses. It was that night after Rav-ul. He had been a live-wire of energy, pacing in his quarters, enraged that she had escaped him again. He had decided that she _would_ submit to him. If he had to break down her walls and take her location from her, then so be it.

"Rey!" he had raged. He had gathered all of his considerable power and beat furiously against the wall she'd built. Again and again he'd thrown himself against the Bond. He would rest, then try again. Over and over and over he had tried. But all he'd felt was silence. He'd thought he had almost sensed contempt. But she would not relent, not even long enough to ridicule him. Her silence … it still hurts him far more than her anger or her scorn.

He takes his bare hand and skims it along her bed. The course fabric scrapes against the sensitive pads of his fingertips. The bed he has waiting for her is much softer, the bedding so fine. He can imagine her sleeping form, wrapped up in the comfort he has provided for her. He knows that she will spend every night in his arms, sated and warm. Does she dream of him the way he dreams of her?

* * *

"Sir?" the trooper enquires carefully.

"Yes?"

"The ruins appear to be empty," the gleaming white figure says with trepidation.

No! She has to be here. She has to be. He closes his eyes behind his intimidating mask.

His voice is chilled when he says, "You're certain?"

"Yes, Supreme Leader, sh- no one is here."

He feels his rage swirling. She had been here, _recently_. He _feels_ her. _Again_ she has thwarted him. She always finds a way to escape him. He feels the Force pulsing, alive, bubbling in his blood. It is Dark and heady and oh so powerful. It eddies around him and the grass is flattened with his anger. He turns and stalks to the ruined temple, his fury growing with each step. She is _his_ and she _refuses_ him at every point, _denies_ the truth of who she is, who they are.

He stretches his hands in front of him and with a wounded sound he begins to rip the building apart. His tremendous power coursing through him, from him. The ground is quaking under his feet as he _howls_.

She was _here_. Right _here_. He was so close. He pulls the stones apart, a whirling hurricane of destruction.

The Stormtroopers pull back, fearful of his display of unbridled emotion.

"No," he shouts. "No!" The sound of the stones crashing and his desperate screaming a cacophony of frenzied disappointment and wild want. He has to find her; she _will_ be with him. He doesn't care any longer about what she _thinks_ she wants. She will see. He will _make_ her see. Oh Rey ...

He's panting with exertion, the temple nothing more than dust, a fitting tribute to his failure. It shifts in the wind as his Rey has done. Blown away from him. He falls to his knees and beats the ground with his fists.

* * *

Thank you to my simply fantastic beta, Meaghan M/Juulna, who is working double time, helping me with 'Thwarted' and my Reylo Anthology story 'His Prize'. I'm so lucky to have found her!

Thank you readers! Your follows, favorites and reviews keep me writing! Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	4. Chapter 4

Back on the Finalizer, he fumes. He stalks the cold corridors, desperate to find some semblance of calm. He had been so _sure_ that she would be with him now. He's cracking; the violent need to possess her is pulsing through his blood. He considers going to his quarters, finding the peace that his knife always brings him, but he discards the notion. She doesn't like it when he does that.

He finds himself outside of his personal training room. Perhaps physical activity will quiet his anguished heart and tortured mind? He enters and rips his helmet from his head and strips down to just his trousers.

He pulls six training droids to him and begins their program. Soon he is twisting and deflecting dozens of bolts of energy at once, using his saber and the Force. It's so easy now; he's barely broken a sweat. He howls in frustration and begins to attack the droids. One by one they're reduced to hacked and molten bits of metal. He keeps striking the smoking pile of detritus, screaming and panting. Soon he's scraping his lightsaber against the deck under the droids, vivid orange tracks appearing on the floor.

Breathing hard, he falls to his knees, his head hanging in defeat. "Rey …" he moans pitifully. He reaches out to her, knowing it is fruitless, knowing she will ignore him.

"Please …" he begs through the Bond.

He's shocked when her side flares to life.

"Why won't you just leave me alone?" she pleads.

"I can't. You know I can't. I thought I'd _found_ you, I thought you were on Ahch-To", he says wretchedly. He knows he sounds desperate and small. He can't help it.

"No … I'm not on Ahch-To. You have to stop."

"I won't ever stop. If this drives me mad, I'll still keep coming. Please, please save me from this, please come to me." He doesn't care that he's literally on his knees; he has no pride left. Not when it comes to Rey.

"Oh Kylo …" She sounds so sad. He's instantly unmoored. She said his name – she's never said his name before. This scrap of acknowledgement is almost too much for him. She's never given him _anything_ before.

"Rey … what must I do?"

"There isn't anything you _can_ do. I don't want this … I've never wanted this. Never wanted you." His heart nearly stops at her honesty.

"No, please, I know there is a part of you that's conflicted. I feel it."

"I … I'm not sure what you're feeling from me, but that's not true. I'm not conflicted; I'm right where I need to be." He feels strongly that she's lying to him. He stands and begins to pace.

"When did you leave Ahch-To?" He must know how close he truly was.

She's silent for a long time before she finally grants him his wish. "I haven't been on Ahch-To for weeks." He senses that she's sad, that something about her leaving bothers her.

"What is it? What is it about that planet that upsets you?"

"That's none of your business." She's shutting down again.

"Everything about you is my business," he growls. He's losing his sense of defeat, this contact giving him a renewed sense of purpose.

"Maker, you are relentless."

"Yes, I am."

"I don't know why I give in to you; why I ever respond," she says, almost to herself.

"Because you know that we must be together."

"No! Just, no. I'm done."

"Rey!" he yells into the Bond, grasping at her, attempting to keep her with him.

"It won't work; you know it won't work."

"I'll never stop trying."

"I know." And she's gone again.

He stands in the middle of the training room. His failure at Ahch-To doesn't matter. He's just going to try again. He remembers that he's the most powerful man in the galaxy and he's certain it's only a matter of time.

* * *

Demyan Ren is the first of his Knights to arrive. He had been stationed on the _Aeron_ , and had always been one of Kylo's favorite Knights. When he'd had another name they had been almost close at the Academy.

"Demyan Ren, how goes life on the _Aeron_?"

"Typically interminable, Master Kylo." He allows the slip in how Demyan has addressed him.

"Ah yes, I remember. Generals can be so difficult, can't they?"

"Indeed."

Kylo bids Demyan sit and he sits across from him.

"You've called us together, for what purpose if I may?"

"You know of my … project?"

"The Jedi girl and Skywalker – you're seeking them." Kylo thinks that's not precisely his goal, but he sees no reason to reveal his heart.

"Yes, and thus far … they have proven quite elusive." Kylo reclines and crosses his long legs. It has been a long time since he has been alone with Demyan, the closest he has to a friend. He relaxes.

"May I ask why you are so intent on finding our old Master?" Demyan asks.

"He is the last of the Jedi; so long as he lives, he's a threat." This is not exactly true, but it will suffice.

Demyan tilts his head, his own mask making him difficult to read. Kylo reaches out and senses his mood. Demyan is cautious, unsure of how to conduct himself. When he had seen his Master shortly after the ascent he had seemed changed and Demyan is uncertain, wary. This will do nicely. Kylo does not wish to find complacency within his Knights.

"And the …. girl?" Kylo stiffens at the question. His obsession is an open secret but it is not one he's willing to discuss, even with Demyan.

"She is training to be a Jedi, if this is allowed to continue the Jedi could be reborn. That is unacceptable," Kylo says bitterly.

"It always was especially personal for you, wasn't it, the destruction of the Academy?" Kylo bristles.

"You forget yourself, Demyan Ren."

"Forgive me, Master. It was not my intention to overstep." Demyan has always been a bit reckless, taking liberties, trespassing on their old relationship. Kylo had allowed it when he was simply Master of the Knights of Ren but things have changed and new lines must be maintained.

"I trust it will be the last time," Kylo says with a chilled tone. He senses a ripple of not quite fear, but perhaps apprehension.

"Of course. I have always been a quick learner." Kylo narrows his eyes behind his mask and thinks perhaps this … familiarity may become an issue. He stands quickly.

"I have duties to attend to. I'm certain General Hux will have ensured your usual quarters are ready for you. I will call you when the rest of the Knights arrive."

Demyan sits a moment too long, clearly surprised by Kylo's abrupt manner, but he moves to his feet swiftly.

"I'll take my leave then … Supreme Leader."

"Hmm, yes." Kylo has already moved his attention to a report on his desk. He is uncomfortable and wants distance.

Demyan Ren leaves quickly.

Kylo sits back, thinking on his Knights. He remembers those first few weeks after he had killed Snoke. Touring the ships, meeting with his Knights.

His first stop had been the _Dauntless_ , checking on Natan Ren. He had always been wary of Natan. He was quiet, thoughtful. He had been very surprised when Natan had decided to join the Knights of Ren. He had always seemed the most diligent of Jedis. When he had pressed him, Natan had said, "I go where I am needed." He had never known what to make of that and he still doesn't trust him. And so, the _Dauntless_ had been his first stop.

He remembers arriving, still flush with his victory over Snoke. He had known he needed to be seen by as many of the First Order as possible, ensure that his leadership was accepted. Snoke had always kept to the shadows and Kylo had known if he was to succeed in taking power in this way he still needed to earn the loyalty of the Generals and confirm the fealty of his Knights. Though he was Master, Snoke had always been the true source of his power.

"Supreme Leader," Natan Ren had said, neutrally, no hint of what he might have been thinking about this change.

"Natan," Kylo had said, inclining his head. He had reached out with the Force and sensed nothing out of the ordinary.

"Allow me to give you my congratulations on your recent … promotion."

"Indeed, thank you." Kylo had noted the pause.

"And now, let me to show you the _Dauntless_ , Supreme Leader." Natan had been appropriately deferential.

As they had toured the ship, Kylo had made sure to use the Force at every opportunity. A squad of Stormtroopers had mistakenly stepped in their path and he had swept them aside with a wave of his hand. The entire squad had been lifted off their feet and pushed into the wall. Kylo had continued walking while Natan had stood very still. Kylo had turned his head, tilting it to the side in inquiry.

"Supreme Leader, word of your impressive new skills did not do them justice," Natan had said smoothly.

"No, I wouldn't think so." They had continued to walk.

He had found everything in order on the _Dauntless_ , Natan seeming as loyal and controlled as ever. Natan was a very economical man. Each movement necessary, each word chosen precisely. Kylo had found nothing wrong with his conduct, and yet he had still been unsettled.

* * *

"Supreme Leader."

"General Hux."

"We've located another possible Resistance base. It's on Quol."

Quol. Another forest planet. If she is there, he knows she's enraptured by all of the _life_. How his beloved adores the lush beauty of growing things. He thinks of the quarters he has created for her. He'll give her _everything_.

"Set course to Quol and ready my shuttle."

"Supreme Leader … you cannot continue to lead each mission. You have duties here."

"I believe we have discussed, at length, how wise it is for you to question me."

"It is my duty, Supreme Leader. You are being reckless; surely you must se-"

Kylo slams his fist on the desk and rises to his full height. The General is tall, but he is taller.

"I suggest you stop that line of thought right there, _Hux_. I allow you a certain … latitude owing to our prior working relationship, but you will not question me on this. It is necessary and you will not bring it up again."

"Yes, Supreme Leader."

* * *

He has learned from his last failure. He is cautiously hopeful, but he will not believe that he will have her, not until she is in his arms. He remembers the feel of her, when he had her on Takodana. He'd not understood himself then, why he'd carried her like that. All he had known was that she was _right there_ and that he had to touch her. He had to feel her under his hands, keep her close. Now he knows. He knows that the Force was speaking to him. Guiding him.

If he'd known what would happen he _never_ would have let her out of his sight. He would have stayed, faced those impossible feelings that had run through him when she'd seen into him. Seen his deepest fears.

Now she has no weapons. He is _stronger_ than Vader. She won't catch him so vulnerable ever again.

Everything will be different, once he has her.

"Supreme Leader, the advance team has just landed."

"Take us down. It's time."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

He's stalking the Resistance base. Seeking. He easily deflects a blaster bolt, directing it back toward the shooter. He has no interest in the fight. He only wishes to find out if she's _here_.

The battle rages around him and he sees a Resistance officer. He pulls the man to him with the Force and holds him by the neck.

"Where is Rey?"

"Who?"

"The Jedi, Rey. Where is she?"

The man looks at Ren defiantly. He won't speak.

"This will be much easier for you if you simply tell me. I _will_ find out what you know."

"I'm not bowing to the First Order. I'll die first."

"No, you will give me what I want, and _then_ you will die."

He holds a slender, gloved hand up, hovering over the officer's face. He does not bother to be gentle, ripping through his virgin mind. It's so easy now. He pulls what he wants to the surface. Ah. The man knows _of_ her, but has never seen her. She isn't here, has never _been_ here. He snaps his neck in frustration.

He stalks back to his ship, totally disinterested in the outcome. The Resistance is fighting hard, but they are overwhelmed. He notes idly that at least another Resistance base has fallen to the First Order. For once his personal interests and that of the First Order are aligned. He will root out every single last bolt-hole of this infection – she cannot hide forever.

As his shuttle returns to the Finalizer, he remembers the last time he had seen her, three months ago – six months since Starkiller. He had been once again stationed on the _Finalizer_ , Snoke having pronounced his training complete. It had been a fluke really. They had received word of Resistance activity on Cathne and he had done something quite unlike him. He had taken a TIE fighter and gone to investigate on his own. He had not received permission from Snoke. He had lied to Hux and told him it was required and that he shouldn't question orders from the Supreme Leader. They were only a brief jump away from Cathne and he had been so consumed with thoughts of Rey that he had acted without thought of the repercussions.

Knowing what that act of disobedience had wrought, he would do it all over again without question. Though he hadn't been thinking very clearly, it was that choice which had put the events into motion that had brought him to this place where no one can stand in his way. Well, no one but Rey.

He had landed in the main city, following the intelligence reports. The Resistance was said to be attempting to purchase arms from the black market. As he had approached the indicated sector, he had felt it. Leia Organa. Rey might block him at all times now, giving him only the general impression of her, but General Organa had been another matter entirely. The Princess was bright and oh so easy to follow. Nothing would have moved him to face _her_ again; _nothing_ but Rey. And if anyone would know where Rey was, he was certain that it was _her_. He had carefully cloaked his Force signature and begun to hunt.

As he had followed the trail, he had felt that Rey was somewhere near. He hadn't been able to get any sense of where, precisely, but he had hoped she was with … the Princess. He'd found Leia Organa in a seedy little bar and there, right beside her, was _Rey_.

He had stayed in the shadows, watching for a very long time. Rey had looked different, diminished somehow. He had been concerned. He had worried that she had been treated poorly by the rival he tried not to think about. He had almost growled at the reminder of her pining for another. But he had controlled himself, wanting to gaze upon her for as long as he could. He had been strong then, very strong, but the bar was full of all manner of life-forms and he hadn't been sure he could take them all. Now, of course, it would not be an issue. But three months ago, it had been a consideration.

He had watched as Rey toyed with her drink, a faraway expression on her face while General Organa conducted their business. He had wondered why she wasn't with Skywalker. He had watched and waited, hungrily taking in Rey's lovely face and lithe body. It had not been until later that evening, after having seen her, that he had finally admitted to himself the depth of his feelings. He wishes he had accepted them earlier; he would have liked to have looked on his beloved with that knowledge in his heart.

He had waited until they were leaving and then quietly followed them. As soon as the women had turned a corner into a sparsely populated alley, he had revealed himself.

"Rey," he had called out softly. She had whipped around quickly, her eyes wild with fear.

"You!" she had screamed. She had pulled out a blaster and started firing; her aim had improved dramatically, he'd noted. But it was of no consequence – he had easily frozen each bolt as they came. Soon there was a wall of blue energy between them, so he had then lazily deflected them all into a wall.

"Ben?" his mother had called to him. He'd frozen Rey with the Force then, holding her. He had been unwilling to take any chances; not this time, he'd thought.

Kylo had shifted his attention to Leia Organa, then. He had said, "You know that isn't my name any longer."

"You will always be Ben to me."

"Sentiment," he had spat.

"Let Rey go," she had ordered, quietly but firmly.

He had been filled with the strangest feeling, then. Leia Organa … his mother … she _cared_ for Rey. She had been so obvious in her concern for his scavenger. The Bond had been bleeding through, Rey concentrating all of her energy into escaping his hold. He had felt that flare of affection and had known then that the source of all of those warm, loving feelings he had felt had been _his mother_.

It had almost been too much, the conflicted feelings coursing through him. His nearly bottomless anger at his mother, his elation at having Rey in his grasp once again, the knowledge that in some other time, some other place, his mother might have been happy for him; would have approved of his choice of mate. He'd found himself shaking his head in confusion.

"Please, Son, let her go." That had pulled him from his odd state. He was no longer her _son_.

"Do not call me by that title. You lost the right to call me son when you _lied to me_ for my entire life," he had said viciously.

"I was only trying to protect you. You have to believe me," she had pleaded.

"I will never believe anything that you have to say ever again, Leia Organa," he had said icily.

He had felt Rey pushing and struggling to escape his hold and his attention had diverted to her again.

"Rey, you don't need to struggle; you don't need to fight me. Just come with me and I will give you everything it is within my power to give you."

"I will never submit to you."

"It wouldn't be like that. We will be equals, partners."

"Don't you want to _teach_ me, to be my Master?" she had said incredulously.

"Yes, I wanted that, want that. But I will accept whatever terms you dictate so long as you come with me."

"You say that like you'll actually give me a choice. What if I don't want to come with you?"

"Please, you have to come with me."

"You'll have to take me. I will never come willingly.

"The hard way it is, then," he had said. He had lost his patience.

"Please, Ben, you don't have to do this," his mother entreated again.

"You know _nothing_ of me and what I do and do not have to do. Do not speak to me," he had ground out.

"I know you're hurt, I know you're angry, but please, let her go and come with us – come _home_."

He'd grown very angry then. "Home, home?! You speak as if I ever had a home with _you_. You never knew me, never even tried."

"No, Son, that's not tru-"

" _Silence_! I will not be swayed by you ever again." He had been losing focus, so infuriated by Leia Organa. That was the moment that all hell had broken loose. Suddenly, they had been surrounded by Resistance soldiers and dozens of Stormtroopers. He'd been startled and had lost his hold on Rey, who had twisted and run as fast as she could. Then the Resistance had engaged the First Order, and in the chaos Rey had been getting swiftly away from him. He had reached out, tried to Force pull her to him … but she had been too far away.

Oddly, a squad of troopers had peeled off and gone in pursuit of Rey, firing wildly. He had screamed, "No!" and had taken off after her, deflecting as many bolts as he could. He had reached out with all of his power and simultaneously Force choked the dozens of pursuing Stormtroopers. By the time he'd looked up, Rey had been nowhere to be found. He hadn't realized he'd just tipped his hand, showed how much more powerful he was becoming.

The Resistance had laid down fire to cover their retreat and, inexplicably, the Stormtroopers were not giving chase. Leia Organa had slipped away in the fighting.

"Kylo Ren," he'd heard then. He had been so torn, wanting to run after Rey, but he'd known he had no explanation for his strange behavior.

He had turned to find Captain Phasma looking down on him. "What is it, Captain?" he had asked, as if nothing out of the ordinary had transpired.

"Supreme Leader Snoke wishes to have a word with you. You will come with me."

"I see. Am I to be your prisoner, then?"

"Only if you force the issue."

He had been almost frantic at that point – _she was getting away_ ; gone. But had known he couldn't disobey a summons from Snoke. He had made himself follow Captain Phasma to the waiting craft.

His shuttle has just docked on the Finalizer and he's pulled from his memories. Another failure on Quol. He stalks down the ramp, an odd sort of calm filling him. He knows it's only a matter of time. He will simply wait until the next opportunity arises. The First Order is spreading, winning. The Resistance will fall soon and then she will have nowhere to hide; no one to help her. He reminds himself of all that has happened to bring him to this point and he is certain he is closing in on her.

* * *

Thank you to my marvelous beta, Meaghan M/Juulna, who is doing double duty in helping me plot out two stories at once. I'm so lucky!

Thank you to everyone who is reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing. I truly enjoy hearing your thoughts and love getting to know you. Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	5. Chapter 5

He's back in his office, reviewing the latest findings, considering his _other_ project. It is for her of course, but it does not help him in his quest to find her. He's frustrated that his this pursuit seems to be meeting with the same lack of success. The lead is slim, but he puts through the order to head for Coruscant.

He notes that Jashad Ren and Palek Ren have arrived while he was busy with Quol. He knows that he should summon them, greet them properly, but he has no wish to deal with his Knights this evening. Tomorrow is soon enough. Jashad is lazy because he is powerful. Jashad and Wylan Ren used to nearly match him in power. Wylan has always been difficult and disliked, but Kylo had once been threatened by Jashad, afraid that he would lose his place as Master of the Knights of Ren to the affable Jashad Ren.

And Palek Ren … the weakest of the Knights in terms of Force sensitivity, but he is a brutal warrior all the same. Jashad and Palek had been very close at the Academy. He had almost stationed them together when he'd ascended, had thought a bit of kindness might have helped seal his power. But then he had remembered how they had whispered together, always planning and plotting and he had thought better of it.

He's about to retire for the evening when her voice bellows in his head through the Bond.

"Kylo Ren!" He's very surprised to hear from her but recovers quickly.

"Ah, Rey. Always a … pleasure." He draws out the final word, making it sound suggestive.

"You're disgusting."

"You say the nicest things, my dear."

"Quol – I know about Quol."

"What would you imagine I would do if you would not reveal yourself to me? I thought you understood that I am deadly serious about this."

"Why won't you just leave me be?" she pleads.

"Because we are _Bound_. It is the will of the Force and it is not for us to question the Force. Even the _Jedi_ know that."

"The Force doesn't work like that, it doesn't think, it doesn't … _do_ anything," she says confidently.

"Oh really? Tell that to my grandfather."

"What do you mean?" He hears her confusion.

"A tale for another time. You wished to berate me?"

"Ugh. I don't know why I bother."

"I have a few ideas." He's feeling bold tonight.

"Stop, just stop. You didn't have to kill everyone."

"They are the enemy, Rey. I'm afraid that yes, I did need to kill everyone. This is war; that's how war is _done_."

"That's not how _we_ do it."

"And that is why you _lose_."

"We aren't losing," she says petulantly.

"Hmmm."

"Please, please let me go."

"Never."

She's silent. He feels her frustration and how she tries so hard to hide her … fascination. He knows she likes that he's relentless. Knows it speaks to his beloved, that he will do _anything_ to have her. Deep inside she enjoys his attention, he knows she does.

"Rey … simply submit and this will all be over."

He feels her derision over the Bond. "So you'd just stop hunting the Resistance, disband the First Order?"

"I will give you anything but that," he says softly.

"The only thing I truly want."

"Oh, you want many, many things."

"In your dreams," she scoffs.

"How you know me."

"Stop – Maker, will you ever stop?"

"I do not believe so, no." He's enjoying teasing her. He's tired of begging.

"I know that there is Light in you. I know it." His mood changes instantly.

"Do not go down that path tonight," he says with warning in his tone.

"So another night you'd be willing to discuss it?" She sounds almost hopeful.

It's his turn to go silent. No, he will talk of most things with her; he's ferocious in his need to hear every thought that goes through her head, but not this.

"Your mother misses you."

"Stop."

"No." Rey has that tone she gets when she thinks she has the upper hand. "Come _home_ ; leave this behind. You have the power now; Snoke doesn't control you any longer. You could stop this all with a wave of your hand. You could make peace, _imagine_ what you could do for the gala-"

"I said stop!"

"I'll never listen to you – I'll never do what you say! You aren't seeing clearly. I've spoken with Leia, she's told me-"

He blocks her.

He stands and roars, his saber ignited before he even knows what's happening. He's slashing his office walls and uses the Force to send furniture splintering. He screams his fury and his frustration. He does not like to think about Leia Organa.

Once the rage has passed, he decides that he will meet with Jashad Ren and Palek Ren, _now_. He does not want to be alone with his thoughts. Besides, it would be good to catch them unaware.

* * *

"Master Kylo!" Jashad exclaims. He's standing in the door without his mask, Kylo notes with disapproval. Palek comes up from behind him, a broad man, with his face also bare.

"I think you mean Supreme Leader, Jashad," Palek corrects.

"Yes, right, of course, Supreme Leader." Jashad looks nervous, his slight frame seeming even smaller as a result.

Kylo looks past the two Knights, into Jashad's quarters. He notes the disarray of their clothing and the askew pillows on the settee. Several suspicions are confirmed, their closeness suddenly making so much more sense.

"Jashad Ren, Palek Ren. I'm pleased to find you so … comfortable."

Belatedly realizing they have displeased their Master, both men scramble for their masks, granting them all the formality of distance.

"Supreme Leader, forgive us for our state. We had been told you would meet with us in the morning," Jashad says, standing almost protectively in front of Palek.

"Hmmm, yes," Kylo says with skepticism.

There is a long silence and Kylo notes that Jashad has continued to stand before the much larger man. Kylo is feeling angry and frustrated after his infuriating conversation with Rey and he almost wishes to give Jashad reason to protect Palek from him, but he knows it is pointless. Though Jashad is quite powerful, he could take Jashad easily now and he has no real wish to harm his Knights. They are not his friends, but they are his allies. He relaxes his stance and the tension begins to leave the room.

"Perhaps if you invite me in we might have a civilized conversation?" Kylo asks.

Jashad hesitates for only a moment before standing aside, holding his hand in welcome, beckoning him in.

"Please, come in," Palek supplies. Jashad leads them to the seating area and all three men take their places.

"Tell me of life aboard the _Terminus_?" Kylo directs toward Palek.

"It was in one piece when I left her. Who knows what General Jehan has done with her while I've been traveling," Palek says.

"Does she _typically_ give you concern for the safety of the ship?" Kylo inquires with light humor in his tone.

"No, but she does take her orders to extremes. She is very loyal to the First Order, sometimes to a fault," Palek answers.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that she will occasionally win the battle and lose the war."

"Ah, I see. It is good that you are stationed there, then." Kylo is satisfied that his Knights are keeping an eye on his Generals.

"I do what I can."

"And you, Jashad, you are finding the _Ascent_ an acceptable posting?"

"Of course, Supreme Leader. You were most wise in your assignments." Kylo nearly snorts at this. The _Ascent_ 's General Tychen is a notorious skeptic. He had stationed his strongest Force user with him to make a point.

"And I trust General Tychen is … learning?" Kylo says.

"It's as if he's another man, Mast - Supreme Leader," Jashad says wryly.

"Good. I had hoped a practical demonstration might help him see the error in his thinking." Kylo is gratified that at least _something_ is going as he had hoped.

There is a long pause and Kylo knows they wish that he would leave. He takes a perverse pleasure in staying. Now that he knows the true nature of their relationship he finds it pleases him to steal away their time with each other. He is kept from _his_ love; why should they be granted what he is not? He relaxes into his seat.

* * *

He's in his quarters, pacing. The time with his Knights has done _nothing_ to calm him. He's wishing he hadn't lost his temper when she'd contacted him earlier. He has the scrap of leather from her hair in his hand, twining it around his bare fingers. He's wondering if … if he engaged her in the conversation she wishes to have … would she listen to what he has to say? Or would it just degenerate as it always does? He must find a way to _talk_ with her. He knows it's too soon to try, but he's feeling unsettled, reckless. He's flush with _need_.

He tries to calm himself as he reaches across the Bond.

"Please, Rey, please." He's long since stopped caring how weak she makes him. His bravado is gone and he's just a man desperate for his love.

Nothing.

"I'm sorry, please talk to me."

The Bond is cold and it makes him _ache_.

"Please …"

"What are you sorry for, exactly?" she finally responds.

"For losing my temper; for blocking you earlier."

"You always lose your temper. Actually, I'm pretty sure you've never had your temper in check since I've known you."

"Rey …" He's trying to stay gentle.

"Fine. What is it?" she says impatiently.

"Does it always need to be like this? Couldn't we simply … talk?"

He feels her snort over the Bond. It almost tickles. "What would we talk about? How you're a murdering madman hell-bent on capturing me?"

"I don't wish to _capture_ you," he entreats. He wants her to _want_ to come to him. She is the one who has insisted he chase her.

"Well you have a funny way of leaving me alone."

"I want you with me – is that so wrong? I know you feel it, too. This pull … this need … I _know_ I'm not alone."

"Keep telling yourself that," she says incredulously.

"Please, could we not fight, just this once … I can't take it." He's feeling almost fragile.

"I … are you okay?" She sounds genuinely concerned. It confuses him.

"I'm fine," he says shortly.

"But … you don't usually … this isn't like you." She sounds cautious, nearly afraid.

"I'm just tired, Rey. I've tried everything I can think of to reach you and now it's so out of hand. Why won't you come to me, or tell me where you are? Why?" he pleads.

"You know why."

"I don't, I swear I don't."

"We are on opposite sides of a war. You've killed my friends. You're working your way through the galaxy in an attempt to find me, how long should I go on?"

"But I never would have had to _do_ those things if you'd just acknowledge what has happened between us. You cannot run from it – not forever." Why doesn't she _see_?

"Watch me."

"Oh Rey …"

There's a long silence, but neither are blocking. He's feeling her presence through the Bond and it's so soothing; so _right_. He's feeling almost calm for the first time in what must be months. How can she function with the _need_ he knows she must be feeling? It's nearly pulled him apart. He can't imagine that she doesn't feel it. She has to. She _has_ to.

"Won't you come to me, please?" he asks.

"Kylo … I can't."

"Why?"

"Because … the things you've done. I don't even know you."

"You know me better than anyone," he says softly.

"Well that's just sad." He hates it when she mocks him.

"Don't be cruel."

"You asking me not to be cruel is almost funny."

"I promise I'll do things differently if you'll just tell me where you are?" Perhaps that will entice her?

"No, no! Stop – just let me _go_."

"I _can't_. Even if I wanted to, that's not how a Force Bond works. Hasn't Skywalker taught you _anything_?"

"I'm not talking with you about Luke." She's pulling back but he's sensing … something.

"You haven't told him, have you?" he realizes.

"That's none of your business." He has no wish to fight with her, but perhaps she truly does not understand what's between them.

"This Bond, Rey, it's never going away. Not until one of us _dies_. You have to stop fighting it."

"Forever?" Her voice is small and afraid.

"Yes. There's nothing you can do to break it. Don't you see why you must come to me?"

"I can go on like this for the rest of my life if I have to." She's full of confidence but he detects the fear in her tone.

"Well, I can't!" he snarls in frustration.

"You'll just have to learn to live with it then, won't you?" It's spinning out of control again and he almost starts to beg.

"Think about it at least? Now that you know it's never going to stop?"

"Will you think about letting me go?" The thought is ludicrous.

"No, never. You are _mine_." He's slipped his leash and he's filled with possession.

"I will _never_ be yours."

"Oh yes you will. I will rip this galaxy to shreds to find you," he says savagely.

"You'll have to."

"You're already mine; you know you are." Why must she always deny the truth of their connection?

"You're insane."

"Only because you make me so." Oh, my love, you're driving me mad.

She's quiet again. He feels her sigh and it makes him _tremble_.

"I can't – I can't do this," she finally says.

"Wait, Rey, I'm sorry!" But it's too late – she's gone.

He stands in his quarters, utterly defeated. His saber stays cold. He's let it happen again; he's laid himself at her feet and she just turns away. Oh, how it _hurts_.

* * *

Thank you to the absolute best beta out there, Meaghan M/Juulna. She's just fantastic. She's also a very talented writer, do check out her stuff.

Thank you readers, so very much!

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	6. Chapter 6

Kylo wakes feeling empty. Baring himself to Rey last night, having her reject him yet again … it has left him without purpose; without direction. He knows he'll never give up, but he's beginning to lose hope. He's beginning to wonder if this is what his life will always be. Is he consigned to always need her, love her, and never have her? He's quite certain she will destroy him if he doesn't succeed in his hunt.

He draws his arm over his eyes and sighs heavily. He misses her, though he's never truly had her. Somehow he simply knows how she will complete him and he's consumed with longing. He remembers the last time he had felt so defeated.

It had been right after his unsanctioned trip to Cathne, three months ago, and six months since he had first seen her on Takodana. He had been on the _Finalizer_ , en route to Snoke's ship, and had been in his quarters. His movements had not been restricted once he had shown he had no intention of disobeying Snoke's order. Kylo had known he should have been preparing for his audience with Snoke; that he had made a rather significant mistake. He never should have gone to Cathne like he did, seeking Rey. He had known he was facing serious reprisal. And yet, he had not been able to bring himself to care.

He had been in a state of almost despair. Seeing her, being so close … and of course meeting Leia Organa for the first time in years ... It had all coalesced into a tangle of confusion and aching sadness. It was the first time he'd entertained the thought that he might _never_ have Rey. He'd let the anguish take him down, down, down.

Kylo had sat, slowly pulling his sleeve up. Almost ritualistically he had drawn his knife along the soft flesh of his arm. He had been trying to give form to the pain inside of him. Again and again, new lines forming, he had sought the peace of his blade. But it had not brought the calm it usually did. So he had kept at it and he had been feeling slightly faint from the loss of blood. Kylo had almost started to weep in his frustration, he had needed her so.

He'd been extremely surprised when he'd felt a hesitant touch along the Bond. He hadn't even thought; he'd just reached out and sent desperately into the void, "Rey, oh Rey …"

"I … what are you doing?" she had asked tentatively.

"Nothing," he had responded tersely. He hadn't wanted her to know about his … coping mechanism.

"But … something's wrong, I can …" She had learned quickly, delving into him before he had even realized she knew how, seeing with his eyes.

"You're bleeding! Oh, Maker, there's so much blood! What happened?!" She had sounded so afraid for him.

"It's nothing. You needn't worry."

"Nothing? It's not nothing! You have to go get those cuts seen to! Did something happen on Cathne?" Her words had been rushed; her very real worry for him broadcasting wildly.

"No, Rey … it truly is nothing, please."

"How can you _say_ that? You're bleeding all over the place and I can _feel_ that you're light-headed!"

"Fine. I'll tend to it myself." He had risen and gone to the 'fresher, then. He hadn't pushed her from him, letting Rey settle in his mind. He had enjoyed the feeling of her, so grateful she was with him. She had stayed silent, watching. As he had inspected the wounds, he had realized he had cut deeper than intended. He would need to go to medical after all. But he hadn't wanted to let her go, so he had simply bandaged his arm, thinking it would hold well enough.

"There, nothing to concern yourself with." He had moved back into his quarters, looking out at the stars moving by.

"How did you get hurt like that? Why were you just sitting there, letting yourself bleed?"

"I … I don't wish to tell you."

"But …"

"Rey, no."

She must have sensed something from him because she had said, "Did you … did you do that to yourself?"

"I don't want to talk about it!"

"You did – oh Force … why would you do such a thing?"

"It helps." The words had escaped him before he could think better of it.

"But … how?"

"I don't know! It just does," he had said angrily. Kylo hadn't wanted to have this conversation.

"Do you … do you do it often?" she had asked hesitantly.

"No … it depends."

"On what?"

"Please, I don't want to talk about this." She had been seeing far more of him than he had wanted.

"But …"

"Please, Rey. Please," he had pleaded.

"Just tell me why you did that?"

"Because you aren't here!" he had finally snarled in frustration. "Because I had you and this was all going to be over. You were _finally_ going to be with me, but instead I'm alone in my quarters, bleeding, and it didn't even help!"

He had shocked her into silence. He had sat heavily, fighting tears, his heart breaking. He hadn't even been able to take comfort in her presence over the Bond. It was in that moment that he had realized that he loved her. That only love could do this to him. He had shielded the thought immediately.

"I'm sorry," Rey had whispered over the Bond.

"What?" he had said in disbelief.

"I'm sorry … sorry that … that you're in pain."

"Just come to me. Oh Rey, please come to me."

"You know I won't."

"I know …" He had been so conflicted. He hadn't wanted her to go, but Kylo had had no control and he had known he should withdraw.

"Will you stop doing that; hurting yourself?" she had asked gently.

"I don't know – maybe."

"Please stop. I don't … I don't want you hurt … anymore." She had sounded surprised at herself.

"Odd, then, that you shot at me earlier today." Kylo had needed to change the subject so he had fallen back on his usual distant contempt.

"You were going to take me!"

"Yes – yes, I was. It's been _months_ , Rey. You've given me _no choice_."

"Why won't you let me _go_?"

"I've told you so many times, Rey. We are Bound. We _need_ to be together."

"But why? Why can't we just block each other and leave it alone?"

"You … you'd really want that?" It had gutted him to think she might truly want that.

"Of course I would! I didn't choose this." She had sounded haughty, something she often used to deflect him.

"But … we're Bound," he had repeated in disbelief. He still does not understand why this doesn't move her, even now.

"I don't care. I should never have reached out. I just felt you and … oh, never mind." She had been quiet again before saying, "Promise me you won't hurt yourself anymore?"

"I'll ... consider it."

"Good. I'm … I'm leaving now."

He had let her go without protest. He hadn't been willing to plead anymore that night and he had needed to think.

He had sat for a long time, feeling the silence of the Bond and thinking.

He loved her.

Oh Force, he _loved_ her. She had brought him so _low_. He had _promised_ himself that he would _never_ fall the way that _Leia Organa_ had; that he would never find himself so thoroughly possessed by another.

The Princess and the Scoundrel. Kylo had once very nearly worshipped Leia Organa. She had seemed so impressive to the boy he had been. He had been _proud_ to be her son. She had been so fierce, so committed to the people of the galaxy.

Han Solo had been another matter entirely. As he had grown he had been bitterly disappointed to realize what sort of man his father _truly_ was.

Love had captured Leia Organa; had diminished her. He had seen how destructive it could be, trapping two disparate souls in a battle that they both lost. As an adolescent he had decided that Luke Skywalker was right to eschew attachments and he had emulated the Jedi Master to the best of his ability. He had avoided the clumsy advances of the other apprentices at the Academy. He had decided that he would never allow himself to be _compromised_ in such a way.

He had sat there in his quarters that night, awash in the knowledge that he was indeed very much in love with Rey. He had been afraid; afraid of the power Rey held over him. Kylo had taken such steps to guard himself. But he had found himself there, anyway. Helpless, powerless, owned. _In love._

Pulling himself from his memories and his bed, Kylo Ren decides he must not dwell on his defeat. He has accepted that he is hers; that he had walked willingly into that trap. Besides, now it is a source of strength. He reminds himself of how much power he now has; that he would still be bowing and scraping to _Snoke_ if he hadn't fallen so completely in love with her. She may have him utterly, but she has made him more than he had ever imagined. He will simply have to try harder. His Knights are gathering and the Resistance is faltering. He only needs to be patient.

* * *

"Supreme Leader."

"What is it, Hux?" Kylo rarely calls him General any longer. It grates on the ginger nuisance, which pleases him, so he's unlikely to use his title any time soon.

"Wylan Ren has been delayed. His transport is experiencing technical difficulties. They've had to land on Shenden." Wylan Ren. Kylo hates Wylan, he always has. But he has an almost preternatural understanding of technology and has always had an amazingly intricate control of the Force. He wonders if Wylan Ren disabled his ship on purpose. The hatred is entirely mutual and he's certain Wylan would prefer to delay their meeting for as long as he can.

He remembers when he had arrived on Wylan's Star Destroyer, the _Dominion_. He had visited him after Natan Ren, just over two months ago. His shuttle had docked with no issues and he had stalked down the ramp, expecting to find Wylan Ren standing in attendance. Instead he had found General Lotrakk.

"Supreme Leader," the relentlessly average man had greeted him, his tone timid.

"General Lotrakk, while I thank you for meeting me, where is Wylan Ren?"

"He … he has been unavoidably detained." Kylo had been impatient and had not felt like playing games of social grace. He'd simply dipped into the General's mind and found what he was looking for: - _That bastard Wylan better not get me killed. I don't know what he was thinking, snubbing the Supreme Leader like this. I've heard stories from the other generals about what our new Supreme Leader is capable of, Wylan is insane for baiting him.-_

Kylo had withdrawn. He had thought it was incredibly foolish for Wylan Ren to test him like this, but Kylo had found he was very much looking forward to showing his errant Knight just how _foolish_ it truly was.

"Take me to him, General Lotrakk," Kylo had ordered.

"Well sir, I … I am afraid I am not entirely certain exactly where Wylan Ren is. At this precise moment. Supreme Leader, sir." Kylo had almost laughed at the General's nervousness.

"That is not an issue." He had closed his eyes behind his dark mask and opened himself up to the Force, sensing for Wylan Ren's Force signature. It hadn't taken more than a few seconds to locate him.

"He's on C deck, the training room." General Lotrakk had stood there, unmoving until Kylo growled, "After you, _General_."

"Of course, right this way Supreme Leader, sir."

As they made their way to Wylan Ren, Kylo had taken the opportunity to monitor the minds of the crew.

A group of four Stormtroopers passed them, keeping their distance. Kylo had delved into their minds, slowing his stride in order to do so.

- _I've heard he can pull TIE fighters out of the sky_ \- While he had not done so, he had been certain that the trooper was correct.

- _I hope he's better than Snoke. At least Kylo Ren deigns to walk amongst us-_ Kylo had been satisfied with that; it had been his hope that being seen would work in his favor.

- _What is Kylo Ren doing here? Oh Maker, I hope the ship survives. They say he has a temper and that he killed Snoke with just a thought_ \- He had raised his eyebrow at that, and had wondered how many knew the _true_ story of the day he had killed Snoke.

- _If half the stories I've heard about the new Supreme Leader are true then the war is almost over. He's supposed to be unstoppable_ \- Oh, now that had pleased him greatly. This was what he had hoped for; that news of his impressive abilities would spread, ensuring the acceptance of his leadership. Snoke had relied on mystery … Kylo would rely on skill and brute force if he had to.

They had turned a corner and had been passing a young male officer. Kylo had skimmed his consciousness.

- _They say he's gone insane, chasing some Jedi cunt_ \- Instantly enraged, Kylo had whirled around and grabbed the terrified officer by the throat, not bothering to use the Force. He had pushed the man against the wall of the corridor, felt his pulse under his fingers, holding him by the neck. He had wanted to _hurt_ this underling who had _dared_ to think of Rey in such disrespectful terms.

"I should kill you where you stand," Kylo had hissed through his helmet. The officer's eyes were bulging and Kylo hadn't needed to use the Force to sense the cloying fear coming from the unfortunate man.

"Supreme Leader!" General Lotrakk had gasped. "How has Lieutenant Elnat displeased you?"

"That is between myself and the Lieutenant. Leave us; I will join you shortly." Kylo had continued to look only at his cowering prey, never even glancing at the General. He had felt the General pause then retreat.

"I'm sorry Supreme Leader, whatever I did, I'm sorry!" Lieutenant Elnat gasped out, barely enough breath in him to form words.

Kylo had held him there a long time, his head cocked to the side, inspecting the frightened officer. He had wanted to kill him, but he had known that he could not add to his reputation as being … volatile. Not if he wanted to maintain his new position, and he needed the First Order to find Rey. And so Kylo had let the man go, stepping back quickly as the Lieutenant fell in a heap at his feet, trying to pull air back into his lungs.

"You are less than the ground beneath her feet. Never think of her like that again," he had spat as he strode away.

He had found Wylan Ren and General Lotrakk in the training room. Wylan's bearing had been arrogant as ever and the General had looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there.

Kylo had stalked up to Wylan Ren, looming over the shorter man. "What, Wylan Ren, was so very important that I should be kept waiting."

"Come off it, _Kylo_ , we both know you don't belong at the top," Wylan had sneered.

Kylo had lifted his hand and Wylan had flown across the long training room, hitting the wall before landing gracelessly on a mat.

"You may wish to reconsider your words, Wylan Ren." He had watched as the arrogant Knight scrambled to his feet, Wylan's mask hiding his expression. Kylo had reached out and sensed his surprise and confusion.

"You were always Snoke's favorite, but that was just because of your _illustrious_ lineage. Why should I follow you after you betrayed your Master?" Wylan had challenged.

"Because you follow or you die." Kylo had decided to put it in the plainest terms possible.

"Fine – let's do this. I've always wanted to _really_ fight you," Wylan had said. Kylo had grinned wickedly under his mask. Wylan had had no idea of the trap he'd just walked into.

General Lotrakk had been at the edge of the room, attempting to make himself as small and unnoticeable as possible. Kylo had been glad the General was there; the more people who saw what had been born the day he'd killed Snoke, the better.

The Knights had circled each other and Wylan had ignited his saber first. Kylo had lazily twirled his saber, choosing to give Wylan a false sense of confidence. He could have ended it in seconds, but he had wanted to make a _point_.

Wylan had lunged then, and Kylo had blocked him. Wylan had stumbled back but then had advanced again quickly. Kylo had parried each thrust with his saber before shifting to the Force.

Wylan had swung hard and Kylo had used the Force to push his saber back, and then had watched as Wylan stiffened in confusion. Kylo had never used the Force in this way before and Wylan had been thrown. Again and again Wylan had tried to score a hit, and each attempt was blocked with the Force. It had been as if a shield had surrounded Kylo; nothing could touch him.

But Wylan had been unwilling to give up, continuing to hack at Kylo, finding no way past this strange new power. Wylan had been panting with exhaustion and Kylo had been deflecting him with casual grace, expending very little effort.

Bored with the fight, Kylo had reached out with one hand and pulled Wylan's saber from his hand, flinging it into the wall where it crackled and spat, impaled into the bulkhead.

Wylan Ren had looked at his empty hand for what had seemed an age, and then looked up at Kylo. Kylo had taken that moment and had reached out and Force pulled Wylan to him, holding him suspended in front of him, Kylo's saber inches from his throat. He had felt Wylan push back, but it had been nothing but a fluttering of wings, futile and useless.

Wylan had continued to struggle against his hold, focusing all of his power on escaping the clutches of his Master. In the past, Kylo had had to dig deep when sparring with Wylan. Kylo had been the superior warrior, but it had always been a true fight with both men having to utilize all of their skills. But not that time. That time, Kylo had barely needed to exert a fraction of his new … gifts.

"You were never so strong … how …?" Wylan had whispered.

"Snoke asked the same thing." Kylo had switched off his saber then, affixing it to his belt and keeping Wylan aloft with his other hand. "He did not learn in time."

Kylo had dropped Wylan to the floor, then. The conquered Knight had stumbled as he had found his feet. Wylan, though not much shorter than Kylo, had seemed small – almost fearful.

"I trust this is the last time you will require a demonstration?"

"Yes …. Supreme Leader."

Kylo pulls himself from his memories, finding Hux still there, waiting impatiently.

"And what of the others?" Demyan, Jashad, and Palek are already here.

"Natan Ren is due to arrive before the end of the cycle, and Vitok Ren will rendezvous with the _Finalizer_ the day after tomorrow. Barring any further changes in course."

"Is there any reason to think that we might need to change our destination? Do you have news?" Kylo had failed to keep the eagerness from his voice. They are presently headed to Coruscant, following a lead on his _other_ project.

"No, Supreme Leader. Nothing new since Quol. However, our spies believe they are close to finding the main base of the Resistance."

Oh, this is welcome news indeed. If Rey is still with Leia Organa, he is certain he will find her at their command center. His despair is receding as he's filled with renewed vigor.

The Resistance is losing ground daily as the First Order roots out and eliminates each pocket, each cell of their organization. Soon Rey will have nowhere left to hide.

* * *

Thank you so much to BB-2 (Best Beta in the Beta Biz), Meaghan M/Juulna. We had a lot of fun this last week plotting out new and interesting ways to cause Kylo Ren pain. You are magic, my dear.

Thank you to my wonderful readers! Each reader, follow, favorite, and review mean so much to me. Reviews especially help to motivate me, you all make the story better with your questions and insight!

Come say hi on tumblr! I'm perrydowning.


	7. Chapter 7

Kylo is perusing his collection. He's in his quarters, his mask tossed casually aside. He pulls out the Rebellion doll and wonders, not for the first time, if she had made this. He's remembering how he came to have it in his possession.

One of his first acts as Supreme Leader had been to send a battalion of Stormtroopers to Jakku. He had desired to gather as much information about Rey as he could. He had wanted to go himself but, having only just ascended, he had understood that he needed to focus on his new position. He required the resources of the First Order if he was to find her.

"Supreme Leader," Captain Phasma had addressed him upon her return.

"Captain Phasma, tell me of your findings on Jakku."

"As you requested, we gathered everything we could find on the scavenger known as Rey."

"And?"

"We located her dwelling, everything of a personal nature is here," Phasma had said, gesturing to an underling. A non-descript Stormtrooper had stood forward then with a crate full of tokens and placed it on his desk. "We took holos of everything as instructed, they should be uploaded and waiting for you."

"Your report?"

"Rey, no surname, lived on Jakku for approximately 14 years. She was reported as having kept to herself for the most part. Unkar Plutt, a Crolute male, was the closest one could call to an employer. She traded her wares for sustenance." He had hated that knowledge, that his Rey had had such a difficult life. Working for _food_. He had wanted to blow that tiny backwater out of the sky.

"And how did she come to be on Jakku if she was not born there?" he had asked.

Phasma had continued, "We were unable to find much; only that she was left with Unkar Plutt. He was given credits and agreed to add her to his scavengers. She was roughly 5 years in age." That had taken the breath from his lungs, to find out she had been _abandoned_. Learning that she had been alone for so long still fills him with helpless rage.

"Who left her?" he had growled.

"Plutt said it was a human couple, roughly of the age her parents would have been."

"Names?" he had nearly barked.

"Plutt only had one, the man. Sylten Qree. He said that Qree was a known con-man and Plutt hasn't seen him since he left the girl." It hadn't been much, but it had been enough to begin with. He still isn't sure if he's hoping to find her parents as a gift or kill them in vengeance. Those people _devastated_ his beloved.

"Known associates?" he had questioned.

"She does not appear to have any friends or allies apart from another human male."

"Tell me more about this … ally," Kylo had instructed with an edge to his voice.

"His name is Yoryn Glant, age 22 standard years." He had been very frustrated by Phasma's taciturn manner. He had wanted to know _details_.

"How does she know him?" He had _not_ liked that little piece of news.

"He is a scavenger as well, also trading with Unkar Plutt. Their association seems to have been professional in nature." That had quieted him, somewhat.

"Anything else?"

"... I suggest you review the holos, Supreme Leader." That had caught his attention; Phasma had always simply been straightforward in the past. He had decided to follow her advice.

He had dismissed them and called up the holos. He had watched as images had flickered before him, taking in the information. He had learned that she was not well known – everyone knew _of_ her, but no one _knew_ her. Interview after interview with the same answers. She kept to herself. Only worked with others when she had to. Kylo had eagerly watched every single recording.

Now he often watches them again. He sits and scrolls through the holos, skipping _Yoryn Glant's_ with contempt. He pulls up the holo he watches most frequently. This was what Captain Phasma had meant that day. He had already known how isolated she was from his time with her on _Starkiller_ ; had felt her bitter loneliness. It had reminded him strongly of himself. But nothing had prepared him for what he had seen on that holo.

The images come up and he's watching the familiar scene, seeing as Stormtroopers descend on an old AT-AT, fallen on its side. They pull apart her home, collecting anything remotely personal. He glances at the dried flower and thinks of her chambers. She will have no need of dead things, once she's with him.

He returns his attention to the holo and sees as it pans to a large piece of the inner wall of the fallen beast. Thousands of little marks, each a day that she'd hurt. Counting her pain, scratching out her endless waiting. Marking time, like a prisoner, a _slave_. He hates this and yet cannot stop watching it. He's not sure how many times he's reviewed this holo, hoping, somehow, that he will find a way to fix this. That she ever felt this way … it eats at him, makes him want to go back in time and save her from this life. But that is beyond even his power. And so he watches and plans. He thinks again of how angry he is at Leia Organa for allowing a galaxy where Rey's difficult life was even possible.

His comm chirps. "Supreme Leader?" Hux's voice comes through the small device.

"Yes, Hux?"

"Natan Ren will be docking shortly; do you wish to greet him personally?" Kylo rolls his eyes and sighs. No, he does not wish to greet him personally but he has no good reason not to. He detests this aspect of his new life. He just wants to spend the evening thinking about Rey.

"I'll be there shortly."

* * *

Kylo stands watching Natan's shuttle dock in the massive hangar. He thinks again that he would prefer to better understand Natan Ren. He's never given Kylo reason to be concerned, but the man's motivations have never made sense. When they had been younger, studying to be Jedi, Natan had always been keenly interested in the history and lore of the Jedi. He had seemed to almost worship the old ways and yet when given the … opportunity to join the Knights, Natan had immediately stepped forward.

Natan Ren walks down the ramp precisely, holding himself with self-possession. Nothing ever seems to affect the serene Knight. Natan is tall and slender, his gloved hands elegant.

"Natan Ren," Kylo greets him neutrally.

"Supreme Leader," Natan responds in kind.

"I trust all is well with the _Dauntless_?"

"She is a fine ship; I have enjoyed the posting."

"You do not intend on returning?" Kylo asks with curiosity.

"That is for you to determine."

"We have much to accomplish, but I am certain you will return in time."

"As you say." Again Kylo finds himself frustrated with the economical man in front of him. Natan never speaks an unnecessary word, and never gives a hint as to what he is thinking. Kylo attempts to dip into his consciousness but finds only a strong sense of purpose and commitment. Kylo knows this should satisfy him, and yet it does not. Natan has never given him any reason to doubt or question him, and yet ...

"All but Wylan Ren and Vitok Ren have already arrived." Kylo motions for the lieutenant who has been waiting quietly, watching idly as he scurries over.

"Lieutenant Vriss will see you to your quarters. If you will excuse me, I have matters to attend to. Welcome to the _Finalizer_ , Natan Ren."

* * *

He's in Rey's quarters, walking throughout her rooms. Kylo is missing her; their last communication had left him so bereft. He's checking on everything, confirming it is all as he's specified. He goes to her bedroom and opens the armoire, finding it full of beautiful clothing. He has arranged that anything she might desire will be available to her. Every color is reflected, simple, elaborate, elegant – he'd requested a wide variety. He hadn't known what she would like. There are numerous dresses he hopes she'll enjoy; he wants very much to see her in the finery he has prepared for her. It's so easy to imagine her draped in expensive fabrics and his hands twitch at the thought of running them along the sumptuous cloth, feeling his Rey beneath his fingers.

He goes to her bed and stretches out, imagining … so many things.

He wants to reach out again, but he knows she will not talk with him again so soon. He's not sure why exactly, but he thinks it might be that she holds out as long as she's able. It gives him hope; hope that she might need him, need him as he needs her. Kylo knows she does not love him – not yet. But he's certain that she feels the pull, even as she denies it. He believes that the spark that he's nurtured into a raging blaze burns within her, too. He shies away from remembering how difficult their last interaction was.

He's removed his helmet and gloves, wanting to imagine the time he knows is coming. She doesn't like his mask and he plans on keeping it off when he's with her. It is a strange idea; he'd always kept it on with … others. When he had first joined Snoke six years ago he had found he was the subject of … curiosity to a certain kind of woman. Free of the constraints of the Jedi and wishing to distance himself from his life before, he had partaken of what was so wantonly offered. But he had been wary of sharing even a small part of himself so he had never showed himself – never even removed his gloves. He had not wanted to risk falling into the trap that had captured Leia Organa.

He had reveled in the baseness of it, enjoyed the power as he took them from behind. Of course the thought of touching another woman disgusts him now; he's not had anything to do with that since his Rey first captured him.

He wants so much more from Rey, with Rey. He wants to look into her eyes as he fills her. He wants to touch every part of her with his bare hands. He wants her to touch him, to feel his naked body against hers. He'd never allowed it before; never wishing to be so vulnerable. But now … now he wants nothing between him and his love. He wants to spend every night tangled with her, to share it all. He will give himself entirely to her, hold nothing back.

He imagines her soft, sweet lips and he thinks of the time, very soon, when she will be here, when he will be able to kiss that sharp, perfect mouth. He's never kissed anyone before – it was far too personal. But he wants that with Rey, he wants _everything_ with Rey. He thinks of how he will cradle her face as he delves his tongue into her mouth, how he will finally be able to _taste_ her.

He remembers how much he had wanted to kiss along her delicate neck when he'd had her in his chair. Kylo had been so confused by his impulses that day. He had never wanted to be so close to another person; had never desired anyone like that. He had felt lust of course, but it had never mattered to him with whom he slaked his thirst. And yet even then, before the Force Bond, he had wanted to touch her. He'd been seized by the impossible urge to strip his gloves from his hands and feel her soft skin beneath his fingers. Oh how he wishes he had given in and touched her.

Kylo thinks of how he will slide his hands along her body, slip his fingers beneath her clothes and gently undress her. Rey will feel amazing under his hands, her skin will be like silk, and he will kiss her _everywhere_. He will make such sweet love to her, she will shudder and quiver with need. For him. He will bring her so close and keep her there, making her beg for release. She will sob his name and he will fill her with his seed, claim her, _mark her_. Rey will be his in _all_ ways. Perhaps, one day, he will even plant a child in her.

He's imagining how she'll feel beneath him and he's so hard. He does not allow himself relief often as it leaves him especially needful. It only leaves him hollowed out, acutely aware that she is not here with him, where he knows she belongs. For days afterwards he is bombarded by his fevered dreams, his vivid fantasies. He will not give in tonight. But he allows himself to continue imagining her …

* * *

Back in his own quarters, Kylo is still missing Rey especially. Spending time in her space has had the opposite effect on him than he'd been hoping for. It has left him _acutely_ aware that he does not have her. He's surrounded himself with pieces of her and created her quarters for her, but it is a pale and poor substitute for his vibrant Rey. He knows she will not speak to him, but he soothes along her barricade, wanting to feel her the only way he can.

He's taken to doing this more frequently; like a beggar in the streets, Kylo leans against her walls, curling himself beside the barrier. He can feel her energy this way. It is faint, but it is there and he takes what he can. He can sense nothing specific from her, but it is still unmistakably _her_.

He's in his cold, lonely bed and he skims himself along her defenses, soaking up her dim energy, when suddenly the Bond is open and she's _there_. She doesn't say anything, but he senses her, bright and pure and everything he _craves_. He does not want to frighten her away so he stays silent.

His breath quickens as he luxuriates in her; she feels warm and liquid and she moves along him, suffusing his entire being. His skin is prickling and it feels so _good_. He can't help himself – he sends into the Bond, "Rey …"

"Shhhhh," she sends back.

Kylo knows that to engage her is to lose her so he controls himself and simply lets her continue moving through him. He doesn't understand what she's doing, why she's doing it, but he's pathetically grateful. Their last interaction had been so difficult, her rejection so painful. She settles in his mind and it's as if she's really with him. He feels almost drunk with the heady feeling of _her_.

He wants to talk with her, to ask her why she's doing this, why she's giving him this impossible gift. But he doesn't dare question it so he lets her swirl within him and he loses himself to the pleasure.

When he wakes, he's certain she stayed with him throughout the night. Oh Rey …

* * *

Vitok Ren has arrived and there is no word on when Wylan Ren will join them, so he has gathered the five Knights that are already here.

They're seated in a large room. It had once been used as the Supreme Leader's holochamber, but Kylo dispensed with that immediately. He gives his orders through proper channels, finding the large projection that Snoke had used to be almost ridiculous now that he's on the other side of things.

"Now that we are almost all together again, I thought it prudent for us to meet."

The Knights of Ren all nod.

"As many of you know, I have been seeking Luke Skywalker and the Jedi girl, Rey. This is the primary goal of the First Order at this time. I believe the Resistance is hiding them and we are making excellent progress in finding and eliminating Resistance strongholds."

"Supreme Leader," Demyan Ren says. Demyan seems as if he's steeling himself.

"Speak," Kylo orders.

"Forgive me, but it is said that it is the girl that is the primary target. Is this true?" Demyan's tone is cautious.

Kylo stiffens at this. He knows that the entire fleet is aware of his quest. He has needed to be quite open about it in order to mobilize resources. But he still has no wish to discuss it. However, he sees that now he'll have to. He wishes Demyan had not asked about the particulars.

"Yes, that is true," Kylo responds.

"And how is she a threat to the First Order?" Vitok Ren asks. Vitok is the oldest of the Knights. She was a young officer with the Empire, hiding her Force-sensitivity until it was safe to reveal herself. She had come to the Academy as a full-grown woman and had become almost a mentor to Kylo when he had been a boy. He respects the always-practical Vitok Ren. Kylo has relied on her experience in the past and is not surprised that Vitok is the first to ask tactical questions.

"It is what she represents. She is the rebuilding of the Jedi. She is remarkably strong with the Force and, if we allow this to continue, she and Skywalker could become quite dangerous," Kylo answers.

"Supreme Leader, I have been monitoring the intelligence reports quite closely. There has been no mention of Luke Skywalker with the girl – only a few near misses with the girl herself. How do we know that they're together?" This comes from Natan, shrewd as ever.

"It is the only logical inference. I recently … visited where Luke Skywalker has been hiding, and there was evidence of Rey having been there. They had both fled. I am certain he is training her."

"But we don't know that for certain?" Vitok asks.

Kylo is rigid, furious that it has become a free-for-all, his Knights more comfortable as a group, questioning him. He had only ever had a tenuous hold on the Knights; he thought he had come further with them after touring the ships. "No. We don't," he says shortly.

"Then why is the girl Rey the primary target?" Vitok asks.

Kylo doesn't know how to answer that. He knows he could simply refuse, perhaps use a display of power. But he wants them to help him in his quest and he knows if they are willing they will be much more effective. He thinks quickly.

"Because I have a score to settle with her. She left me scarred and humiliated on _Starkiller_ and I wish to balance accounts."

"Wait, so you have the entire First Order hunting this girl because she took you in a fight?" Jashad Ren blurts out. Kylo sees Palek put his hand on Jashad's arm and shakes his head.

Kylo stands then, furious. "It is not your place to question me. Yes, it is personal for me, but I am absolutely certain that the key to Skywalker is Rey. None of you will challenge me on this. Is that clear?" He knows he is lying. He doesn't care about Skywalker anymore, only Rey. Only ever Rey.

There is an uneasy energy in the room as the Knights all murmur their agreement.

Kylo stalks from the chamber, needing to think, needing to find the peace that only thinking of Rey can give him. He needs to be alone with his thoughts. Perhaps, if he is very lucky, she will speak with him?

* * *

Thank you to my always tremendous beta, Meaghan M/Juulna!

Thank you to everyone who is reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing! I so enjoy hearing what you think.

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	8. Chapter 8

He's in his rooms, pacing. His meeting with his Knights had _not_ gone as he had planned. He could sense their unease and confusion at his behavior. He just wants their loyalty – why must they ask so many questions? He's aware that none but Wylan have really seen his new power and he realizes what he must do. He's going to have to fight and best each one of them, reestablish his dominance. Luckily, that will not be an issue.

He thinks on how he came to have such capacity coursing through him, how he had found himself here. The day the dam broke and all his burgeoning power had welled up and crested over him like a great, black sea.

After Cathne and his mad dash after Rey, the _Finalizer_ had rendezvoused with Snoke's ship. The Supreme Leader had wished to see his apprentice _personally_.

Kylo had found himself on his knees in front of his master, awaiting his punishment. He had been both elated and broken by the realization of the night before, of accepting his love for Rey. He had been brimming with the need to hunt, to find, to _have_ her. Once he had known the depth of his feelings it had been as if everything he'd ever sought, ever wanted, had been swept aside, his love burning it all to ashes. He hadn't cared about _pleasing_ Snoke, hadn't cared about serving his _master_. He had simply wanted this to be over so that he could focus on _finding Rey_. The Force was swirling in him and he had been struggling to keep himself subservient.

"We have a problem, Kylo Ren." Snoke had said. "You have been keeping things from me."

Kylo had known this should have filled him with fear, but instead all he had felt was contempt.

"Master?" he had said, knowing as he said it that he had failed to infuse his tone with deference.

"Yes, my _Apprentice_ , I have noticed your growing power. I wonder why you have chosen not to share this _happy news_ with me."

"Through the grace of your training, I have grown, it is true. It was not my intention to hide it from you," Kylo had recklessly lied straight to Snoke's face.

"You, I think, have become far too interested in the _girl_ from Jakku. She has made you stray from your path – _my_ path. She has made you defy your master."

Kylo had stayed silent. Snoke had risen from his dais and had circled Kylo.

"I attempted to have this _issue_ taken care of _permanently_ by ordering her death, but the Stormtroopers were not able to carry out my command. All forces have now been instructed that she be killed on sight."

Kylo had been seized with scalding fury and soul-chilling fear. Snoke had tried to have his beloved killed? _Killed!?_ It had been so easy to see what losing her would do to him and the thought that she had been in such danger without him even knowing about it … oh how he had despised Snoke in that moment. The Stormtroopers' strange behavior on Cathne now making sense, had he not acted alone, attempted to capture her … she would be dead. Dead … he had known he simply could not allow that to happen.

He had wanted to reach out and strangle the desiccated creature in front of him with his gloved hands, to feel the old, fine bones of Snoke's neck grind and snap beneath his fingers. Kylo had stood, looking straight into Snoke's mangled face, a murderous rage he had no wish to control coursing through him. But he had faltered; he hadn't known what was brewing in him, hadn't known that the threat to Rey would unleash such power in him. He had been afraid for Rey and had tried to reason with Snoke.

"Master, no, she is so powerful, it would be such a was-"

"Silence! I know that you do not care about her _power_ , I know that you only wish to have her as your own. I have watched; I have monitored. You have allowed yourself to grow attached to her, and that cannot continue. You will see in time that I am right."

"No! Please, no. Let me have this. I have been loyal to you; I have done everything that you have ever asked of me. Let me have her," Kylo had pleaded.

"She makes you _weak_ , Kylo Ren. You are of no use to me if you have _two_ masters. You have been lying to me, Apprentice."

"Never, Master."

"Oh? So you have not been hiding your growing power? _Lying_ to me about your feelings for this _girl_? You did not Force choke at least two dozen Stormtroopers to save that sand rat?"

Kylo had been silent then, knowing he was caught. He had hated the way Snoke spoke of Rey.

"Yes, you see the issue. It is unfortunate that you did not feel that you could share your success with me. I understand why you would want to hide such shameful feelings, but that you have been growing in power and keeping that from me … It makes me doubt your loyalty," Snoke had said.

In that moment Kylo had known that Snoke was right, that he had felt no fealty to this monster before him. His rage had been growing. Snoke had dared to try to take Rey from him? To _kill_ her? The Dark was expanding in him, his strange new abilities sparking in his blood.

"You will not have her killed," Kylo had said confidently.

"You do not give the orders here, _Apprentice_."

"I have earned the right to have this; to have her. I have sacrificed everything for you."

"Is that so? I thought that it was I who gave you everything you sought. Is it not you who came to me, _begging_ that I teach you, to show you the ways of your grandfather? I think you have lost perspective, Kylo Ren."

"I will not let you hurt her," Kylo had said, his voice low and dangerous.

"And how will you stop me, I wonder? No, it is done. As we speak, my forces are en route to the Resistance base on Lytonn. I have excellent intelligence reports that she's there. She'll be dead by the end of the cycle."

"What?" Kylo had growled.

"Oh yes, Kylo Ren, your little desert flower will be dead within hours. Perhaps she already is."

Kylo had reached for the Bond then, calling out frantically, "Rey, Rey, you have to listen to me, please Rey, please." But it had been of no use, she would not respond.

"You will thank me in time, Apprentice. You will see that I have done this _for_ you. You will be freed from these inconvenient _feelings_."

"Call off the attack," Kylo had demanded.

"You forget yourself. I see that you must be reminded of your place," Snoke had said with malicious glee in his cold eyes.

"No, I will not allow this, I will stop you." Kylo had felt as the Force had welled within him, he had never felt such power. It was as if he was wrapped in pure Force and his eyes had gone black.

Snoke had only laughed. "Get on your knees, Apprentice. I will show you again who your Master is."

But Kylo had defiantly remained standing, still calling out through the Bond, battering against her walls furiously. The Dark had been riding every cell in his body, growing and growing.

Snoke had been vibrating with fury when he had said, "I will have you on your knees one way or another – you will wish you had _obeyed_."

Snoke had raised his wraith-like hands and Force Lighting had streamed from his fingers. With just one palm Kylo had deflected the Lighting easily. Snoke's eyes had narrowed and he had stalked toward Kylo.

"You dare to fight me, Kylo Ren?" the enraged Snoke had bellowed.

"You will not hurt her," Kylo had promised.

Kylo had advanced on Snoke and had felt the pressure the Force against his throat. Kylo had pushed back with the Force and Snoke had flown back, hitting the far wall, landing in a crumpled heap.

"I will show you what it means to defy me, Apprentice," Snoke had hissed as he gained his feet. Kylo had heard a wrenching screech as Snoke pulled a section of the bulkhead from the behind him. Kylo had twisted quickly as the rented metal flew towards him and Kylo had used the Force to shove the twisted panel back as he moved toward Snoke. He had seen a flicker of confusion ripple across Snoke's disfigured face.

Then Kylo had felt the pain of the Force move up his spine as Snoke attempted to reach into him, turn his own body against him. Kylo had been very aware of the pressure of _time_ bearing down on him. Each second he spent on this battle was a moment too long, Rey was in danger _right now_ and he had to _end_ this.

Something had broken free within Kylo. The thought of Rey's delicate face empty in death had filled him with such fear and horror that the Lightning was coursing from his fingers before he'd even given it thought. Tremendous power had moved through Kylo as the blue bolts of energy had increased. Kylo had never _seen_ Lightning like this; it had blazed with such intensity that it had been almost blinding. It had wrapped around Snoke's emaciated, corpse-like form, Snoke the one to scream. Some detached part of Kylo had taken a vicious pleasure at being the one in _control_.

Kylo had thought of his beloved, of what Snoke had tried to do to her. He had known he must kill his master if he was to have a chance to save Rey. He had to call off the attack! Snoke had continued to attempt to defend himself, Kylo had been able to feel Snoke trying to Force push him back, but it had been of no use – Kylo had been much stronger.

Kylo had felt as the Dark engulfed him, as all of the awesome power that had been growing finally danced along his body unchecked, unlike anything he had ever experienced. Again and again he had hit Snoke with arcs of Force Lightning. He had seen how much he hated this twisted creature. Hated him for forcing him to kill Han Solo. Hated him for all of the empty promises, for holding his training over his head, for torturing him time after time.

But he had known he hated Snoke most of all for threatening what was _his_. He had thought of Rey's endless eyes as he'd gazed into them on _Starkiller_. He had remembered her fire and her compassion and the Lightning had grown so fierce that it had turned white and Snoke's skeleton had glowed through his papery flesh. Snoke's gaunt frame had been shaking and twisting; his screaming, a horrible, high sound. Soon, Snoke's body had been smoking and his flesh charring.

Kylo had stopped his attack, standing over Snoke's supine form. Snoke's eyes had been wide and full of terror as he had gasped out, "How?"

"Rey," Kylo had answered simply. He had known Snoke could never understand the lengths he would go to, the power Rey had unleashed. The galaxy had never known _anything_ like Kylo Ren in love.

Kylo had looked down on Snoke's trembling body, watched as Snoke struggled to gather any sort of defense. All of the broken promises had flooded Kylo, how Snoke had told him he would help him fulfill Grandfather's dreams but had only used Kylo's power for death and destruction. Kylo had wanted to create, to mend, and had believed Snoke when he had told him 'all in good time'. Snoke had made token changes, and that had been enough for Kylo. But not now.

Looming over Snoke, filled with contempt, Kylo had ignited his lightsaber and swung it swiftly, removing Snoke's head from his body in one sure stroke. He had taken great satisfaction from the final look in Snoke's eyes as his _master_ had realized he had _lost_. As Kylo had gazed down on Snoke's broken form, Kylo had known that the time had come. He would become Supreme Leader, save Rey, find her, and he would finally finish what Grandfather had started. Rey had been the key to _everything_.

He had toed Snoke's dead body with his boot and said, "You never should have stood between us."

Then Kylo had been surrounded by Stormtroopers, responding to the chaos in the Supreme Leader's chamber. He had turned quickly and with one wave of his hand he had Force pulled all of their blasters from their hands. He had announced, "I have killed Snoke. You will now answer to me."

The troopers had stood, stunned, some of them looking at their empty hands in confusion. He had reached out and Force choked them all until they were on their knees and had said, "I am now the Supreme Leader – you will do as I say." Soon all of the Stormtroopers had nodded their agreement.

Kylo had moved to the bridge of Snoke's ship then, sweeping onto the deck with authority.

He had addressed the bridge crew. "After the failure of _Starkiller_ it became clear to me that Snoke could not be trusted with leadership of the First Order. I have executed him and ascended to his position. I am the Supreme Leader and you will follow my will." He had infused his words with compulsion from the Force and was relieved to see the shocked officers murmuring their agreement.

However, Captain Pell had moved forward and said, "You cannot simply take over like this."

"I can, and I have." Kylo had lifted Captain Pell off of his feet, holding him suspended in front of him, watching him keenly. He had sensed movement and blocked the blaster bolts without even looking at them. He had reached out with his other hand and pulled the shooters forward. Kylo had held the four officers suspended in front of him. He had been panicking, thinking he did not have time for this! Rey had been in danger and he had needed to move swiftly. He had stopped their hearts in their chests and dropped them, their dead bodies landing in a tangled heap. He had directed the blaster bolts into the deck, causing the crew to startle; Kylo had even heard a few screams.

Kylo had turned to the remaining bridge officers and had said, "Does anyone else wish to take issue with my command?"

He had been relieved when they all responded, "No, Supreme Leader."

"Excellent. Now call off the attack on Lytonn," he had commanded urgently.

A communications officer had quickly moved to her console and had given orders to abort the impending strike.

While he had been waiting for confirmation he had tried again to reach Rey. He had felt such relief when she finally responded to his desperate sending through the Bond.

"What do you _want_?" she had said with her usual disdain.

"You have to flee, there is about to be an attack on Lytonn. I'm having it called off but it might be too late. You have to leave," he had sent hurriedly.

"Why would I believe anything _you_ have to say?"

"Please, Rey, now is not the time to argue with me. I am sincere and I'm doing everything I can to keep you safe but you must _leave_ ," Kylo had pleaded.

"Why aren't you with them, trying to _capture_ me?" she had asked skeptically.

"I'll explain everything later, I promise, but you have to leave, you have to get away!" He had been growing quite panicked, thinking: why wouldn't she listen to him?

"I'm not abandoning them."

"Please, I'm begging you. I cannot lose you, you must get yourself to safety." He had been nearly out of his mind with fear.

"If there's going to be an attack then I'm staying to fight, I won't run away."

"Rey, you have to go – you have to!"

"No."

"Listen to me, they have orders to kill you _specifically_. Battalions of Stormtroopers will descend any minute with only one goal in mind: to find and kill _you_. Please, sweetheart, please you must _leave_."

"Don't call me that," Rey had spat.

"We don't have time for this!" he had snarled into the Bond.

Just then, he had been interrupted when the communications officer had said, "I've been able to reach the _Tarkin_. They're pulling forces back as we speak, but the two transports already away are not responding to hails – there seems to be some kind of interference."

He had nodded sharply and focused again on Rey, "I've successfully called off the bulk of the forces but there are still two transports of Stormtroopers about to land. Please, get to the _Falcon_ and _leave_."

"No, I'm warning Leia and then I'm fighting," she had said defiantly.

He had been filled with such helpless terror. He had known that the threat was minimized, that the Resistance could likely defend themselves successfully against only two transports, but he had been frantic.

He had tried one more time to reason with her. "Rey, you must know what you mean to me, you must know how hard I'm trying to save you, but you have to help me. Please help me keep you safe, please run, _please_."

"If what you say is true then I have to help the Resistance. If I die then at least I died fighting in something I believe in. I have to go." He had felt the Bond grow cold again and his heart had nearly stopped. He had had no idea what was happening with the Bond blocked and no communication with the First Order forces.

He had paced the bridge, waiting for any news. Kylo had sensed the fear of the bridge crew but had remained focused only on Rey. He had wondered what he would feel if something happened to her.

The waiting had been interminable when he'd felt it, a sharp sense of surprise and pain. He had not experienced this from the Bond before. He had understood then what it had been like when she'd felt him being injured. It had not been a physical sensation, but her distress had been palpable. She had been hurt and she couldn't keep him out while she was struggling with her wound.

"Rey, what's happened, please, oh please, tell me that you're alright!" he had sent wildly into the Bond. The knowledge that she had been injured had made him nearly incapable of thought.

"Maker, I can't have you in my head! I'm in the middle of a battle!"

"How badly are you hurt?" he had demanded.

"I don't know; not badly I don't think. But stars, it hurts."

He had never felt so helpless in his life. He had wanted to kill Snoke again for causing this to happen.

"Will you run now?" he had pleaded.

"No, we're winning, there aren't many of them. They all seem to be trying to find something, they didn't engage until they saw me."

"I told you – _you_ are their primary target. Tell me you're well defended?"

"Mostly. I'm behind a bunch of crates; they can't see me."

He had pushed further into her, scanning her body. He had to know how grievously she had been injured. He had been relieved to find it was her shoulder and not something essential.

"Stop that," she had ordered.

"I just needed to find out the extent of your injuries," Kylo had placated.

"I don't care, don't go rooting around in me like that; don't take advantage of my weakness."

He had thought to himself that only Rey would manage to keep arguing with him while fighting for her life.

"Supreme Leader?" the communications officer had asked fearfully.

"What is it?" he had said shortly.

"We've made contact with the transports; they're overwhelmed. Instructions?"

"Pull them out, _now_ ," Kylo had commanded.

He had focused on Rey again, "They should be retreating now, please just stay where you are."

"Yes, they're pulling back. Why – why are you _doing_ this?"

"Oh Rey, I've told you so many times. Don't you know I would do anything for you?"

"Then why didn't you warn me before it was too late?" Rey had asked.

"I didn't _know_. Things have changed."

"What do you mean, things have chan-" He had sensed then when she had been surrounded by Resistance soldiers, had heard them helping her, getting her medical attention. He had been so relieved.

He had stayed quiet; she hadn't been focusing on him and had left the Bond open. He had felt as she had been transported to medical and had stealthily watched as they had patched up his love. The need to be with her, to see her face, to see with his own eyes that she would be alright ... it had been crippling.

"Are you still there?" she had sent some time later.

"Always."

"I'm okay … thank you for stopping the attack."

"I would never have allowed it had I but known."

"We're leaving, obviously. I'm … I'm closing the Bond now." He hadn't been ready; he had come so close to losing her and the thought of having her closed off from him was especially painful.

"Please, just leave it open. I'll stay quiet, I just … I almost lost you."

"I'm not yours to lose." He had kept his council at that, not wishing to provoke her.

"Don't go, don't go …" he had begged.

"Even if I wanted to have you with me I can't possibly take the chance of you finding out where we're going. Goodbye." Rey had gently closed the Bond then and he had been certain he had sensed regret as he had once again been parted from her.

In his quarters Kylo closes his eyes against the memories. He's still filled with a savage rage whenever he thinks of that day; of what Snoke had almost cost him. He's so very glad that Snoke is dead.

* * *

Thank you to my truly magnificent beta, Meaghan M/Juulna, who really helped get this one into shape with excellent suggestions and a second read. Thank you so much m'dear!

Thank you to everyone who is reading, following, favoriting and reviewing! I do so love reading your thoughts.

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	9. Chapter 9

Kylo is in his quarters, still remembering that terrifying day when he had killed Snoke and Rey had nearly been taken from him when he is alerted that someone is at his door.

Demyan Ren stands in the corridor.

"Supreme Leader."

"Demyan Ren."

"I have something I wish to speak with you about, Supreme Leader."

"I will be calling the Knights together tomorrow—we will speak then."

"It is of a … personal nature."

Kylo hesitates; when Demyan had first arrived on the _Finalizer,_ Kylo had not liked how he had felt the pull to speak with Demyan as he once did. However, Kylo supposes their history earns Demyan the right to a private audience. He beckons Demyan in.

Kylo does not invite him to sit. They're standing in the entryway when Demyan surprises Kylo by reaching up and removing his mask. Kylo notes how his face has grown thinner, his tawny skin paler, and his bright blue eyes keener since he last saw Demyan without his helmet.

Demyan looks at Kylo with something like sadness in his eyes and says, "I have known you a long time, through many identities. I know you made it clear how things have changed, but I hope you will forgive an old friend his concern. The events that brought you here, they were unexpected. There are stories about the girl. Kylo … are you alright?"

Kylo is completely taken aback by the question. No one but Rey ever inquires as to his well-being, and he is certain that she only does so because of her generous nature. He knows he should put a stop to this, that these are precisely the sort of confidences that he must quash. But he finds that he wants to talk to Demyan like he once did as an adolescent; he wants to bare his heart and speak of the constant ache that drives him ever forward.

Demyan simply looks at him, and Kylo has the uncomfortable feeling that Demyan can somehow see him, even through his mask.

"Demyan … I tried to tell you … it can't be like it was before. Things are very different now and you shouldn't ask me such questions."

"Kylo … Supreme Leader, you cannot isolate yourself completely. It will drive you mad."

Kylo is appalled to hear himself say, "Why not? I've been doing it for years."

Demyan shakes his head sadly, "And I have heard what that has cost you; how unstable you have become."

"No, stop. I have no wish to harm you, but you will stop this and you will observe proper lines. We are no longer boys, I have been your Master for years now. I … I know that there was a time when we were … friends, but that time has passed."

"I know, and I promise I will adhere to that, but this girl … you must know that you're acting erratically. The entire First Order is buzzing with stories of how you are chasing after her. We both know it has nothing to do with her besting you on _Starkiller_. Whatever it is, it's not … it's not good for you. It's not good for the First Order."

"You know nothing about it and I will not explain it to you."

"Kylo-"

"Supreme Leader. You will address me as Supreme Leader!" Kylo demands with a twinge of desperation.

Demyan purses his lips and tries once more, "Forgive me, but you've lost your way; you aren't acting for the benefit of the galaxy and isn't that what we're all trying to do? Isn't that what you told us when this all began? That there would be the end to suffering; that the time for a new way had come? I followed you out of the Academy because you made me believe. I never followed Snoke. I followed _you_. But … you aren't making sense."

"Are you saying you are no longer loyal to the First Order?" Kylo growls dangerously.

"No … no, I still believe in what we are doing. I still believe that if we bring order to the galaxy the people will flourish; that the skilled and driven will rise instead of those with birth and connection. Is that why you did it? Did you think that Snoke was unfit? Was he taking us in the wrong direction?" Demyan sounds as if he hopes this is true.

"If I tell you yes will it suffice?"

"No, I don't think it will. Because I think … I think you did it for that girl," Demyan says quietly.

"And what if I did?"

"Then I'd like to know why."

"It's none of your concern. All that should matter to you is that I was your Master before and I am your Master now," Kylo says icily.

"So it _was_ for her." Demyan sounds very disappointed and it flares Kylo's already frayed temper.

"This conversation is over."

"No, it's no-"

"You will cease this line of inappropriate questioning!" Kylo snarls. He's growing quite angry at Demyan's presumption. His hands curl into fists.

"Kylo, plea-"

Demyan stops talking abruptly as Kylo lifts his hand and squeezes Demyan's windpipe _hard_ with the Force. Kylo is furious with his favorite Knight.

"You should not have pressed me, Demyan Ren. I will give you one more chance. Tomorrow at the training room you will see how I became Supreme Leader and you will _submit_. There will be no more of these 'private' conversations. I will not explain myself to you or justify my actions. All you need to know is that it is necessary for the good of the galaxy." He releases Demyan and feels a twinge of regret as Demyan falls to his knees, his fingers scrabbling at his throat as he gasps for air.

Once Demyan is able to breathe again he slowly gets to his feet and looks at Kylo for a long time, his eyes blank. Demyan pulls his helmet over his head and stands stiffly before Kylo.

"May I have your permission to leave, Supreme Leader?" Demyan says very formally, all hint of familiarity and friendship gone.

"You may, Demyan Ren."

Demyan walks purposefully to the door and does not look back as he exits.

As soon as the door closes, Kylo begins to pace furiously. He is deeply unsettled. He is angry and almost afraid. He knows that he's coming apart, he knows what she's doing to him. But to have Demyan talk of it … he knows he's been unraveling since far before he _ever_ met Rey. He wonders … but he shakes himself, reminds himself of everything he's done to get to this place, this place where he answers to no one. He has only ever wanted to make the galaxy a better place. He had once thought Leia Organa and Luke Skywalker to be wise and good leaders but that was before he'd seen the truth. Seen the disorder and chaos their ideals wrought.

Rey is essential to him and therefore to his goal. He will finish what Grandfather started. He is certain that she is meant to be with him—why else would such power have manifested in him once she had been threatened? He must have her to succeed; to fulfill his vision for the galaxy ... Darth Vader's vision for the galaxy.

He decides that Demyan is wrong, that she is _not_ pulling him from his path. Yes, he has been entirely focused on her, loves her, _needs_ her. But this connection has already brought him so far. The Force is with him and he will succeed once he has her.

He thinks it is time to try and speak with Grandfather again. Vader has been silent for months.

He goes to his shrine and takes his customary place in front of Vader's melted, twisted mask. It is a dark room, bare of any adornment save the remnant of his grandfather. Kylo opens himself to the Force.

"Grandfather …" he sends out into the ether.

Kylo waits. He is very patient. It is often some time before his grandfather responds, if he does at all.

"Grandfather?" he calls again.

Still there is nothing.

Kylo sits in front of his relic for an age, his apprehension growing. Is it possible that Grandfather is displeased?

He has not told Grandfather of the Force Bond; he does not want to remind him of Grandmother. It seems cruel to speak of the beautiful gift the Force has given him. But when he had tried to tell him of his victory over Snoke, Grandfather had been silent. Kylo had thought he would be proud of him and had been confused and unmoored by Grandfather's silence.

Now that Vader continues to ignore Kylo, he is afraid. His throat is tight and he's breathing quickly. Has he been abandoned? What will he do without Grandfather's guidance?

* * *

Kylo has spent a restless night twisted in his sheets, tormented by memories and confusion. Demyan had ripped open all of his well-hidden doubts. Kylo had soothed along the Bond repeatedly, hoping she would join him again as she had the night before. But all there had been was her slight energy. After the bliss of feeling her infuse him with her Light, it was small comfort. He had even called out to her several times, hoping she would relent. But there had been nothing and he's feeling hollow.

He knows that he's doing the correct thing. Rey will be his and she will see that he is right, that his hope for the galaxy is attainable. She will be by his side and she will believe in him and what he is doing. Everything will be worth his sacrifices and the difficult choices he has had to make. She will understand and he will finally be at peace.

Convinced once again of his path, he rises to ready himself to meet his Knights. The fight will be good for him; he needs this.

* * *

Kylo turns to his Knights, Wylan still not having arrived. "Today I wish to provide you a _demonstration_ of what your Supreme Leader is capable of. I will not have another display like yesterday. I won't stand for it and you all need to understand precisely _why_."

He senses that Vitok is taken aback by his words but Jashad, Palek, and Natan seem unsurprised. Demyan is simply resigned.

"I wish for this to be a fair exercise, and so you will all attempt to take me. No holds barred. I will not kill you, but I encourage you to try to kill me."

"Supreme Leader, you can't be serious," Jashad says.

"Oh, I am deadly serious. It was clear to me that my Knights do not yet understand who it is you now follow and it's time you see exactly why you will not push me. Snoke would never have stood for your disrespect and it's important that you comprehend that I will be no more forgiving."

Kylo walks to the center of the room and methodically removes his saber from his belt, sending it to the corner with a flourish of his wrist.

"Unarmed?" Palek asks in disbelief.

"Only for me. You will all need your weapons."

Only Natan and Jashad have lightsabers, the components so difficult to come by. Vitok is most comfortable with a blaster because of her time with the Empire, and Demyan is quite adept with his vibroblade. Palek has always been fierce with his electrostaff, wielding it expertly in combat.

At first his Knights are cautious, they circle him but none take the first hit. He grows impatient and Force pushes Demyan to the ground. Kylo will not soon forgive Demyan's intrusive words.

"Fight me, cowards," Kylo spits.

That does it and soon they are all descending on him. He pushes them back easily and revels in their confusion as they can't score a hit. Jashad and Demyan try to work together, ignoring their weapons, focusing their power at his legs, attempting to unbalance him while Vitok is firing. Kylo deflects the blaster bolts into the ceiling and feels as Natan attempts to Force pull him. Kylo is twisting, graceful and fluid, using the Force to fend off each attack. Kylo moves quickly and efficiently, anticipating everything and easily deflecting each fruitless assault.

He feels when the Knights begin to fight with death in mind—this is no longer a training session. They are alight with the struggle and Kylo _grins_.

Vitok is growing frustrated, attempting not to hit the other Knights when Kylo deflects a bolt into her leg and Vitok is down.

Jashad and Natan come at him from either side, each swinging their sabers hard, but Kylo blocks each blow with the Force, pushing back firmly. He senses Demyan's vibroblade descending towards his head and he quickly spins around, avoiding the weapon as it scrapes along the metal flooring. This brings him face-to-face with Palek's staff, the broad man wielding it with great strength. Kylo ducks and rolls, standing swiftly. He's now facing all four remaining Knights.

They all charge for their master when Kylo decides that he has allowed enough time to pass as to give them at least a bit of their pride. He reaches out with one gloved hand and forces them all to their knees. With his other hand, Kylo pulls Vitok to join them, her leg wound trailing blood behind her.

He stands over his Knights, watching them struggle against his hold as he keeps them in supplication before him. Kylo wishes he could see their eyes so he could watch the knowledge of his dominance bloom. He knows his actions are correct and they will _submit_.

"I trust that you all understand?" Kylo asks as he gives them back the ability to move. To his great satisfaction they all stay on their knees, Vitok striving to hold the position with her damaged leg.

He is very pleased with their hushed and awed exclamations of, "Yes, Supreme Leader."

* * *

He's in his quarters, mask and gloves already removed, pulling Rey's scarf gently through his fingers. He loves to do this, knowing that it has _touched_ her, imagining what it will feel like to pull her clothing from her body. He's feeling powerful after his victory over his Knights, certain that he will no longer have issues with their loyalty. Kylo's doubt from earlier has been consumed by the satisfaction of besting the Knights of Ren.

They'll be arriving at Coruscant tomorrow and he's hopeful that he'll be able to make progress towards finding Rey's parents. Perhaps she will come to him then, should he find them?

Kylo still doesn't know why she came to him two nights ago and he wants to reach out. He knows he should simply accept what happened, that to talk to her about it will likely ensure she never does it again, but he's hungry for her. He closes his eyes and remembers how it felt to have Rey _in_ him like that, moving throughout his body. Kylo knows that he will give in tonight, that he will allow himself to imagine her soft folds as he takes himself in hand.

He returns her scarf to its place among his treasures and goes to his bedroom. Slowly, he removes all of his clothing, imagining her small hands undressing him. He's readying himself to be open to her. He will allow her what he has never shared: all of him, naked. There will be nothing between them but heat and skin.

He lays down on his bed as he thinks of undoing each of her buns, tangling his hands in her hair as he frees her dark locks. He will run his fingers through her silken mane, allowing it to fall to her shoulders. He thinks about this frequently, how he wishes to press his face into the softness of her tresses, inhaling her scent. He wishes that her scarf had not lost the smell of her. He can still remember how he had caught the heady fragrance of his Rey on _Starkiller_. He remembers how he had held his face so close to hers, nearly overwhelmed by that now so familiar _need_. He aches to press hot kisses along her clavicle and up the elegant curve of her throat. He will take his time; he will make sure that she is gasping and desperate for him.

Kylo trails his hand down his body; his cock is already erect and aching for her, weeping with his desire. It doesn't take much to make him thus when he thinks of her. He knows that once he's had her he will keep her naked for _days_ , he's so thirsty for her. He grasps his shaft and begins to stroke himself, imagining how it will feel to finally thrust into her. She will feel _incredible_ as her wetness engulfs him for the first time. He pulls the supple flesh over his rigid length, pumping as he fantasizes about pushing into his beloved over and over again. Kylo imagines how she will feel around him as he stretches her walls, feels her tight heat.

He's panting now, envisioning how Rey's eyes will open wide in wonder as he fills her again and again. He will hold her face in his large hands and drown in her. Her perfect pink mouth will part and she will whimper in pleasure as he makes her his. The feel of his hand will be but a memory soon. An ache, a tightness, is building in his abdomen as he thinks of how her succulent clit will feel beneath his fingers. He can imagine how he will stroke and roll that taut bundle of nerves, holding her ecstasy in his hands. He can almost feel her wetness as he strokes. Kylo knows she will be _dripping_ for him.

He's breathing hard, growing closer, but he wants it to last so he slows down, not ready to leave this place where he can almost taste her. He's aware that when it's over he will feel empty and bleak, so he takes his time.

Kylo slowly pulls his cock, feeling how hard he is for her. Nothing has ever made him so hard before. He imagines pressing his mouth to hers, capturing her gasps. He whimpers at the thought of her pliant lips against his. Something about the thought of kissing her makes the pleasure spike in his blood and the delicious feeling curls along his spine as his orgasm gathers. He thinks of thrusting his tongue into her mouth as he pounds into her. His hips are bucking now as he pushes into his fist.

His fantasies are so real, so total, that it is as if she's with him; as if he can feel the slick sweat of their bodies moving in tandem. He is so close as he imagines her walls fluttering around him, her hands along his back. He knows he will never be able to get near enough to her. Kylo hopes she'll let him into her mind as well as her body.

He's cresting as he recalls the feeling of her languidly moving through him and soon he's shouting out Rey's name into his empty bedroom, ropes of his pleasure being pulled from him as he strokes himself firmly. Then it is over and he's coming back into himself, his sticky release cooling along his chest. He's panting and the bleakness has begun. She isn't here. Kylo lays in his bed, naked, _alone_ , and he almost wants to cry. He cleans the evidence of his desire and rolls himself into a ball, clinging to his knees as he needs to cling to _her_. His soul is keening for its mate. Rey ...

* * *

Thank you to my truly phenomenal beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. I could not do this without her.

Thank you to all of my readers! I'm so grateful for your time, follows, favorites, and reviews.

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning. I love getting to know you!


	10. Chapter 10

The _Finalizer_ has arrived at Coruscant. The situation here is complicated. The planet-wide city has only recently come under First Order control and it is still tense as the new government makes its presence known. Kylo has called Vitok and Demyan to him to brief them on their mission on the surface. He has selected Vitok because her time with the Empire makes her the most familiar with Coruscant. He is sending Demyan because, though he had seriously crossed a line, Kylo finds he still trusts him more than any of the other Knights.

"You are seeking Sylten Qree, a human male. He is a con-man and occasional smuggler." Kylo says the last word with particular venom.

"What do we know about him?" Vitok asks. Demyan stays near the door, his posture rigid. It is clear to Kylo that Demyan has not forgiven him for putting him in his place. It should be of no matter to Kylo, but he still wishes Demyan had not forced the issue, made him show his one-time friend why he must submit. Kylo regrets that Demyan had ensured that such a display was necessary.

"The information is scant. Sylten Qree kept to the Western Reaches until recently, he conned one too many unsuspecting victims and moved on to the Core. He may work with a human female of the same age."

"Why are we seeking him?" Vitok queries. Demyan stays quiet.

"He has information that I require." Kylo will not explain himself further.

"Well, if he's there, we'll find him, Supreme Leader," Vitok promises.

"Good. Happy hunting." Kylo looks down at his datapad as the Knights leave to bring him Sylten Qree.

Once they are gone, Kylo sits back, thinking. He hopes that they are successful; he wants very much to find Rey's family. He knows she wants to be with them more than anything, but he's afraid she won't like the answers he finds. He will protect her from anything painful. If he finds that they are as he suspects, he simply won't tell her. But if he finds that somewhere there is a family waiting, wanting her, he will make sure that they are reunited.

That she was treated so poorly, it haunts him. He hopes that she will let his love heal her; that she will trust that she never has to be lonely again. He would _never_ abandon her; never leave her to hurt like that. He thinks of all the pain he had felt when he was in her mind that day on _Starkiller_. He had nearly choked on all of that anguish. His beloved bears deep scars and he will do everything in his power to erase them.

He contemplates his vision for the galaxy and he's filled with the familiar bitterness he feels towards his … family. Rey should never have had to live the way she did. He will make certain that no child will suffer like that. Once he has succeeded.

* * *

Kylo walks the decks, pleased at the way the stormtroopers part and the officers acknowledge him respectfully. Where there had once been fear, there is now awe. He's remembering the aftermath of the day he killed Snoke.

He had been moving quickly, using Snoke's ship to bring him to the _Finalizer_. Word had spread very quickly and there had been panic in the ranks. He had had to use his considerable power on numerous occasions to both build confidence and sow fear. Just as the panic had moved from ship to ship, so did the knowledge that the new Supreme Leader was even more powerful than Snoke.

Rey had not deigned to respond to him and he had been very worried about her injury. He had also wanted to inform her _himself_ of what had transpired. But she hadn't allowed it so he had been left to stew in his concern.

Kylo had also needed her in a way he'd not felt before. It had been a quiet sort of need, to speak of the monumental shift that had taken place within him. He hadn't been afraid, exactly, but his entire life had turned in an afternoon. He had always had a master before, and suddenly he had none. He had planned for the day when he would helm the First Order, but to _be_ there … it had left him rudderless and he had wanted so desperately to feel the centering presence of Rey.

A few days after Snoke's death had found him thankfully alone when Rey had learned of the changes in the First Order.

"Supreme Leader?!" had come screaming into his head. He had had to brace himself against his desk as Rey's fury had coursed through him.

"You are clearly recovered from your injury."

" _You_ are the Supreme Leader?" He had been a bit offended by the incredulity in her tone.

"I told you that things had changed."

"You killed Snoke?" she had sputtered in disbelief.

"He was threatening you," he had said softly.

"The attack on Lytonn, that really _was_ in order to kill me?" she had said.

"I do not make a habit of lying to you, Rey."

She was quiet for quite some time before saying, "You actually killed your master because of me?"

"Yes. And I would do it again, happily."

"Oh." There had been a very long silence. He had almost wondered if she had gone, but he had still felt her blazing presence through the Bond.

"You are … you are well? I was unsure and you wouldn't respond to me." He had been reaching out every night since Snoke's death, hoping she would speak to him.

"Yes, I'm fine," she had said shortly.

"You have no idea how relieved I am to hear it."

"Stop, don't. Don't talk like that."

"Like what?" He had been confused.

"Like … like I matter to you, like we're friends. Like you're _normal_."

"Rey … I have not hidden my wishes or my feelings from you."

"Well I wish you would."

"You are the one who contacted me, I might remind you." Her rejection had hurt. He still hasn't grown used to it.

"Only because you … you …"

"Yes?"

"You killed Snoke!"

"I did. It was the only way to save you."

"That means … that means you lead the First Order—you really do." She had said that as if she hadn't believed it until just that moment.

"Yes, Rey."

"You could stop the war …" Her tone had been full of possibility.

"No. That I will not do." Kylo had realized that he would do anything for her—anything but that. He had come too far, done too much to turn back now. Once she understood, all would be well.

"Why not? You could change _everything_!" Rey had exclaimed hopefully.

"Rey, no. You don't understand. You don't know what sort of people you're with."

"Stop, no. I can't believe you! You are a murderer and a torturer—you don't get to say a _word_ about what 'sort of people' I'm with."

"If you'd only let me explain-"

"Uh uh, I'm not letting you spout First Order propaganda at me." He had tried to explain himself to her before, to explain what he wanted for the galaxy, but she never let him _speak_.

"Rey, no, just listen-"

"No, I'm leaving."

"Please, please, I've needed you so much." He had been hoping for this contact and had been unable to face her absence again.

"I don't care. You have no claim to on me."

"I beg to differ."

"Well, keep on begging." That had hurt his pride because they both had known that he _did_ beg, frequently.

"You know that you will not be able to hide from me now." He had seen it so clearly, how the path to Rey had been cleared by the end of Snoke.

"What do you mean?" she had said fearfully.

"I have the _entire_ First Order at my disposal—I _will_ find you."

"You haven't found me yet," she had taunted.

"That was before I could focus _entirely_ on seeking you." That had frightened her. He hadn't meant to frighten her but, as he had said, he did not make a habit of lying to her.

"Please don't; please leave me be." Her defiance had left her and she had been the one to plead.

"You know that I cannot do that. You know that I _will not_ do that. I will never rest until I have you with me."

"No! Just let me go."

"I am coming for you, Rey," he had promised.

"You really are a monster, aren't you?" she had said sadly as he had felt her side of the Bond close.

He had sat heavily, his mind swirling with plans.

He had thought he would have her within weeks.

It has now been over three months. He hopes that Hux is right—that they're close to finding the main Resistance base.

* * *

Wylan Ren has finally arrived and is now standing in Kylo's office, stiff and uncomfortable. Kylo does not invite him to sit.

"You have certainly taken your time in responding to my command," Kylo says coolly.

"We were unavoidably detained. Shenden is not a very … metropolitan world. It took quite some time to fix the ship." Wylan's tone is cautious.

"And you did not have anything to do with that?"

"I admit I was not particularly motivated, but I took no action." Kylo senses no deception from his Knight. Perhaps it simply was an unfortunate coincidence.

"And now that you are here, I trust I will not need to _assist_ you in finding the proper motivation?" Kylo warns.

"No Supreme Leader. I remember well your visit to the _Dominion_."

"Good." Kylo sits back in his chair and regards Wylan Ren. He finds his Knight properly subdued. "I have gathered you all here because we will soon have the location of the main Resistance base and therefore Skywalker."

Wylan Ren simply nods firmly once to show his understanding.

"We will end the Jedi threat once and for all," Kylo says.

"As you say, Supreme Leader." Wylan had joined the Knights of Ren because he had wanted power. It is a motivation that Kylo can understand. Kylo is not concerned that Wylan will shy from eradicating the last of the duplicitous Jedi.

"You are excused."

"Yes, Supreme Leader."

Kylo watches as Wylan Ren takes his leave. He still doesn't like him. Wylan has always been arrogant and jealous of Kylo's birthright.

Wylan is an orphan and had been begging on the streets of some planet Kylo could not recall when Luke Skywalker had found him. Wylan had taunted Kylo when they were boys, always suggesting that Kylo did not deserve to be the primary apprentice of Luke Skywalker. Their rivalry had often caused bloodshed, and Kylo knows that Wylan, more than any of his Knights, had followed Snoke and not him. He will always have to watch his back with Wylan. He is almost as powerful as Jashad, but his covetous nature always stands in his way.

* * *

Kylo is in his quarters when his comm goes off.

"Supreme Leader?"

"What is it, Hux?"

"We have a verified location of the main base of the Resistance." Kylo feels the excitement race up his spine. He will have another chance at Rey!

"And you are certain?" Kylo asks eagerly.

"Completely, the base is on Ilaria." Ilaria … a world known for its ferocious storms. Kylo thinks she likely enjoys the rain.

"Alert any ships within two days of Ilaria and have them on standby."

"Yes, sir."

"Have we any word from Demyan Ren and Vitok Ren?" They have been orbiting Coruscant for three days and he's eager to get under way to Ilaria.

"No word yet, Supreme Leader." Kylo is frustrated by this news.

"Contact them and put them through to me immediately."

"Yes, Supreme Leader."

He pulls up Ilaria on his datapad and begins to research. It is a day from Coruscant, well populated on the main continent. It is a peaceful planet where slavery is illegal, so it has not been a primary target of the First Order.

His comm chirps again. "Supreme Leader." He hears Vitok's alto voice come through the device. Kylo is not surprised that Demyan is still avoiding speaking with him.

"Vitok Ren. Tell me of your progress?"

"We have a new lead on Sylten Qree. He has fled Coruscant but we have it on very good authority that he's en route to Vren. Orders?"

Kylo is conflicted. He would like to send them straight to Vren but he wants all of his Knights with him on Ilaria. Rey is far more important, so he says, "You and Demyan will return to the _Finalizer_ at once, Vitok Ren."

"Yes, Supreme Leader."

Kylo stands and looks out on Coruscant as they slowly orbit, watching the planet go by. If Rey is still with Leia Organa, he is certain that he will find her this time. He has his Knights at his back and the entire First Order fleet at his disposal. He will not fail this time.

* * *

He goes to her quarters; he's almost giddy with anticipation. It has been so _long_ since he's seen her. He notes that many of the plants have changed since his last visit. He has instructed that they continually bring in new blooms and green things. He wants her to always have a variety to enjoy.

He wanders into the small training room he has arranged for her. He does not want her to cease practicing her Force skills once she is with him. It is bright and airy, and it almost feels like one of the meditation rooms from his Academy days. He believes she'll prefer the open space and light. He doesn't think she would enjoy the cold starkness of his own training room. Besides, he knows she needs her own place; he will not force her to train with him until she is ready.

That is a thought he likes very much. He looks forward to sparring with her, finding how she has grown since _Starkiller_. He hopes that her powers have grown as his have. It had excited him to cross sabers with her, and he has thought of that day more than once when he gives in.

He imagines her practicing lightsaber forms while he stands watching her strong, athletic body twist and move. Oh, how _glorious_ it will be when their blood is up and he takes her against the training room wall.

He scowls as he remembers how long she had made him wait before she spoke with him again after she had discovered he was Supreme Leader. She had ignored him for over a month and it had nearly killed him. He had recklessly led several missions during that time, needing to feel his saber cut into flesh to excise his desperate craving. Hux had been nearly apoplectic.

Kylo had thrown himself against her walls whenever he had been alone. He had been relentless in his need. Finally, _finally_ she had responded.

"Please stop—I can't take this any longer!" she had pled with him.

"Rey!" The relief had moved through his whole body; the sensation had been almost physical.

"You have to _leave me alone_."

"I can't, you know I can't."

"Yes, you can! You don't have to batter against me like this, every single morning, day, and night. It's exhausting."

"No more exhausting than forcing me to do it," he had said testily.

"I don't force you to do anything!" she had spat.

"Oh, but you do. I won't be denied Rey—not any longer."

"What can I do to get you to just leave me alone!" Rey had begged.

"Nothing. I will never leave you alone. Even once you are with me, I will never leave you be. You won't want me to."

"You are deluded," she had scoffed.

"No Rey, you are the one who lies to yourself. This Bond cannot be ignored."

"I've been managing just fine, thank you."

"Have you?" He had been fairly certain that she had given in because she had needed him, too.

Rey had been quiet then.

"You could leave the First Order and come to me?" she had asked in a small voice. Kylo had rejected the idea immediately. He would finish what Grandfather had started and he would do it with her by his side.

"No Rey, that's not possible," he had said as gently as he could.

"Why not?"

"The Resistance has filled your head with falsehoods. They are nothing but liars and thieves, devoted to a decadent and corrupt cause," he had said with disdain.

"Well _that's_ not true." He had almost been able to see her eyes rolling.

"And how would you know? What do you _really_ know of the galaxy, Rey? I have been in your head, I know what your life was. Why do you think you can trust them?" he had pointed out.

"Because they've been kind and good to me!"

"I would be so good to you," he had very nearly crooned.

"You aren't capable of goodness," she had replied coldly.

"For you I am. I will give you everything, Rey."

"You say that, but if that was really true then you would leave the First Order behind."

"You don't understand; you aren't seeing clearly." He had been growing frustrated.

"You're the one who isn't seeing clearly! Can't you see what you've become? How lost you are? I know who you used to be, Leia has told me-"

"Do not speak of her!" Kylo had demanded.

"Don't tell me what to do!" Her tone had been full of warning. He had backed off, terrified she would go.

"Alright, Rey … alright. Just … please. It's been so very long. Let's talk of something else."

"I don't want to talk with you. I want you to leave me alone!"

"Everything will be right when you are with me," he had said with conviction.

"I won't _ever_ be with you."

"I will find you—you know I will."

"Does it even matter to you that I don't _want_ to be found?"

"That's only because they've twisted your thinking. If you would only let me explain why I have done the things I have-"

"Don't even think about starting up with that again. There is no explanation for the murder of _billions_ ," Rey had interrupted.

"I never did that."

"Well, your precious First Order certainly did," Rey had said with scorn.

"Snoke was wrong to do that." Kylo had never thought that the destruction of the Hosnian system had been necessary.

"You … you really believe that?" she had said in confusion.

"Yes, I do."

She had been quiet again before saying, "Well, I still watched as you butchered your own _father_. Nothing justifies _that_. There is nothing you could _ever_ say that makes that anything other than reprehensible."

"I had to." He had spoken without thinking.

"That's ridiculous. No one had a blaster pointed at your head," Rey had said incredulously.

"I had to do something to make it stop!"

"Make what stop?"

"No, I'm not talking about this." Kylo had known that he shouldn't, _couldn't_ talk about that.

"Please tell me?"

"No, Rey. Perhaps one day, when you are with me, but not now," he had said regretfully.

"I wish …" she had said softly.

"What, what do you wish? I will do all in my power to grant it."

"You can't," she had said so sadly. To this day, he still wants to know what it is that she had wished.

"Won't you let me try? I will always take care of you; I will always be true."

"I don't need to be taken care of. I take care of myself."

"But wouldn't you like to not have to? Let me stand between you and your pain; let me end your loneliness. Together we will be _whole_ ," he had said passionately.

"You think you know me ..." she had nearly whispered.

"I _do_ know you, I saw your whole life that day on _Starkiller_."

"And yet you still have no idea who I am." Rey had sounded wistful.

"That's not true." Kylo had been certain that _no one_ knew his beloved like he did.

"I know you'll just tell yourself whatever you need to in order to believe that. I know that there's nothing I can say to make you understand. You're so lost in the Dark you can't see anything, can you?"

"I see perfectly—it is you that refuses to see." He had been growing defensive at her pity.

"Circles, it's always circles. I'm tired of this; tired of you. Please just leave me alone!"

"I'm tired, too, Rey. Tired of this constant pull; this constant aching. Once we are together it will stop."

"I don't know what you're talking about," she had said imperiously.

"Don't lie to me!" he had bellowed into the Bond. He had needed her to acknowledge what was between them, needed to know that he wasn't alone. He had needed her to acknowledge that he was _there_.

"Don't yell at me!"

"Please, please Rey, you must end this torment—you don't know what it's doing to me!"

"I don't care! I'm leaving."

"No, Maker, no … Just stay, stay with me," he had resorted to begging. She always makes him beg.

"I've stayed far too long as it is. I never should have given in. I should have stayed strong." She had pulled away so quickly it had left him gasping. He had been horrified to feel his eyes sting with tears.

He pulls himself from his memories, his elation of earlier gone. He knows he shouldn't dwell on how she brings him to his knees, but somehow he can't seem to stop.

* * *

Thank you to my stellar beta Meaghan M/Juulna who will even listen to me stress about writing while she's running errands. She's always got my back.

Thank you to everyone who is reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing! I so enjoy reading your thoughts.

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	11. Chapter 11

It's time. They are nearly at Ilaria and Kylo has gathered his Knights in the training room. "While the First Order forces focus on the Resistance, we will be seeking Luke Skywalker and the girl, Rey. Kill Skywalker and capture her. Under no circumstance are you to harm the girl," he informs the Knights of Ren.

"Supreme Leader, wouldn't it be better to kill them both?" Demyan Ren asks, his posture rigid.

Kylo advances on Demyan, only just keeping himself from pinning his former friend to the wall with the Force. "I have spoken with you about this before; you will not question me! We take the girl alive. If I find any of you have harmed her in any way, I will not hesitate to kill you," Kylo says viciously.

Kylo is concerned that perhaps they do not understand. The Knights are all standing at attention in front of him. He begins with Jashad who stands furthest to the left.

"Jashad Ren, do you understand that you will not hurt the girl?"

"Yes, Supreme Leader."

Kylo nods sharply and moves on to Palek. "Palek Ren, the girl is to be apprehended whole and unharmed, is that clear?"

"Yes, Supreme Leader."

"Natan Ren, you will capture the girl when you find her, are we understood?"

"Yes, Supreme Leader."

He comes to Demyan and he can feel … _something_ coming off of him. He dips into his head and finds strong devotion to the First Order and, oddly, to him. Kylo is confused; he had thought perhaps he had broken whatever had been between them. He is satisfied, however, that Demyan will do as he's instructed.

"And Demyan Ren, I trust you understand?"

"Yes, Supreme Leader. You wish the girl to be kept safe above all other considerations."

"Precisely, Demyan Ren."

Kylo stands in front of Wylan and says, "And you, Wylan Ren. So good of you to have finally joined us. What are the specifications for this mission?"

"Kill Skywalker, take the girl, no injuries." Succinct but adequate. Kylo moves on.

"Vitok Ren, I'm sure you are now quite aware of what is expected of you."

"Yes, Supreme Leader. But I do have a question?"

Kylo pauses; Vitok would not ask a question if it was not necessary. "Speak."

"If we have to choose between capturing the girl or killing Skywalker, what is the mission priority?"

Kylo doesn't even hesitate before saying, "The girl. Capture the girl at all costs."

His Knights all look at him for a long moment, but he is satisfied that they understand.

* * *

Kylo is in his shuttle with his Knights as they descend on Ilaria. He is monitoring the battle closely. The Resistance is falling quickly and there are reports of a Force-sensitive girl. All forces have been informed that she is a vital target and to be left to the Knights of Ren.

He feels as the shuttle lands on hard ground. It's always a different quality than landing on the cold deck of the _Finalizer_.

He strides down the ramp as it opens, so very eager to find her. He's so close!

Kylo and his Knights are met with a torrential downpour, great fat drops of rain clouding everyone's vision. But it is a minor inconvenience and he gestures for his Knights to follow him. They have landed away from the base as he wishes to move with stealth.

They walk up a small hill and find themselves with an excellent view of the battle. Kylo watches as stormtroopers engage the Resistance and is satisfied to see the line move ever backwards. He reaches out and feels just a tremor of her, but he has been wrong before. He had been certain she was on Ahch-To, and that had merely been her echo.

Through the blinding rain they move as Kylo takes them behind Resistance lines and they press into enemy territory. The weather is providing excellent cover. They're moving among the barracks, the fighting thickest near the hangar. A soldier comes running around the corner and Kylo grabs her. As he had on Quol, Kylo questions the trembling Resistance fighter.

"Rey, I seek Rey."

"I don't know who you're talking about," she says predictably.

"This really would go so much better for you if you would simply tell me what I wish to know." He's aware that Rey would prefer he be less brutal, even as he knows he will do whatever he has to find her.

"I know nothing that I would share with the First Order," she spits angrily.

Kylo wonders if all Resistance soldiers have gone through the same training on resisting interrogation and grows impatient. He's instantly in her mind and finds the officer is already thinking about Rey in her attempts not to. Rey is here! He flicks through the images in the unfortunate officer's brain, finding that Rey is almost always with Leia Organa. Curiously, he finds no indication of Luke Skywalker. The Princess is in the command center, opposite to where Kylo and his Knights are currently crouched.

He waves his hand over the Resistance officer and puts her into a deep Force sleep. Somehow, he does not wish to come to his beloved with unnecessary blood on his hands. She makes him … merciful. He's not sure how he feels about that, but there is no time to ponder this strange impulse.

Kylo hisses, "Follow me," as he moves across the courtyard that separates them from the command center. As they approach, they find it heavily guarded.

There are approximately 30 Resistance soldiers guarding the command center and Kylo is unconcerned. He's about to reach out and Force choke the lot when his Knights move forward in a flurry of death and carnage. Kylo had thought to minimize bloodshed, but his Knights deserve this. Kylo stands back to observe.

Kylo watches as his six Knights cut down the guards, littering the courtyard with their bodies. Jashad and Palek are working together, fighting back to back as they scythe through the Resistance soldiers easily. Natan is elegant in his form as his lightsaber swings true.

Demyan is about to be hit by a blaster bolt when Kylo reaches out and stops it. "Thanks Kylo!" Demyan calls out, sounding every bit the boy he once was. Kylo chooses to ignore the absence of his title.

The downpour continues to assault them and Kylo notes how the water runs red along the ground.

"Knights of Ren!" Kylo calls out.

They have already killed all of the Resistance personnel and so they turn to him, waiting for his next order.

"You have fought well. Remember that the girl is to be captured _alive_." He is concerned that the bloodlust will overwhelm their thinking. He has not come this far only to lose Rey to one of his Knights. He is relieved as he sees his Knights bring themselves back under control.

He and his Knights come to the command center and Kylo flicks on his saber before kicking in the door brutally, forcing himself through.

He finds a nearly empty room with Leia Organa and Rey regarding the projection of a map with only a handful of other Resistance fighters stationed in consoles scattered about the command center. It's clear the evacuation order had been given long ago. Vitok and Wylan tumble in after him, followed by the remaining Knights. They stand at Kylo's back, waiting for instructions.

Time slows as both Rey and the Princess turn to look at him. Kylo ignores the familiar anger that wells within him at the sight of his _mother_. He focuses on Rey as he stands there with his red saber crackling, transfixed by the overwhelming sight of _Rey_. He wants to run to her, to pull her to him. She's here, she's really here! His heart is racing, his throat tight. Oh my beloved, we are finally together ...

Both women regard him in shock for a long time as he just stands there, frozen by the torrent of feelings coursing through him. Then Vitok Ren says, "Supreme Leader, what are your orders?"

He can barely think through the rush of seeing Rey standing _right there._

"Round them all up; take them prisoner. Bring the girl to me."

Suddenly Rey bolts, moving quickly out of a side door he had not seen before. He's after her in an instant, calling for his Knights to follow him. Soon they're back in the courtyard, the rain only having grown more furious.

Rey is about to turn a corner and escape his field of vision when Kylo reaches out and pulls her back with the Force. Her feet scrabble along the ground and soon she is held in place in front of him, his Knights at his back.

Her chest is heaving and the rain has drenched her from head to foot. Her gentle curls cling to her face and her cheeks are flushed from fear or exertion—he's not sure which. Stars, he had forgotten how exquisitely beautiful she is.

He stands there simply drinking her in as the rain falls heavily around them, his saber hissing and spitting like an angry pet unaccustomed to the downpour.

"Rey …" he finally murmurs.

"Please don't do this."

"It is time, Rey."

"No, please … please." Her fathomless hazel eyes plead with him and he cannot tell if it is tears or the rain that courses down her cheeks.

"It is time," Kylo repeats as he holds his hand out to her. He releases her from the Force hold so that she may take it. She shakes her head and starts to step back. As Rey moves backward, she trips over a dead Resistance soldier, landing hard in the mud. As Rey falls, Demyan Ren, Kylo's one-time friend, rushes forward and swings his blade down hard towards his beloved.

No!

Moving faster than he even knew he could, Kylo thrusts his lightsaber through Demyan Ren's back, lifting him slightly off of his feet as Kylo kills him without thought. He whips his head back and forth to assess the rest of his Knights and is relieved to find nothing but shock and confusion. None of them are pressing forward to attack. Demyan acted alone. At least, that is what Kylo hopes.

Kylo pulls his saber from Demyan's body, allowing it to fall gracelessly to the wet ground. He knows he cannot allow the feelings that wish to be felt anywhere near him—not now, not yet. He shoves the anger and betrayal hovering near the surface, down, down, _down_. He stalks towards Rey who has scrambled to her feet. She's breathing quickly and blinking against the rain.

Again Kylo reaches his hand to her. "It is time, Rey."

She looks at him with what almost feels like hatred before she nods sharply and puts her hand in his.

* * *

"Are you alright?!" Kylo demands as they're moving back to his shuttle, any thought of finding Luke Skywalker forgotten. Behind them, Jashad and Palek carry Demyan Ren's corpse. Kylo is pulling Rey along by her arm, but she's not fighting him.

"I'm fine," she says shortly.

"He didn't hurt you?" Kylo asks frantically.

"No, I told you, I'm fine." Her face is blank and she walks listlessly.

Kylo is awash in elation and terror. He has her; he finally has her but _again_ she was almost taken from him—by one of his own Knights! Demyan … oh Demyan, how could you? _Why_ did you? He's filled with rage at Demyan's betrayal, even as he's aware he has lost someone dear to him.

He wants to interrogate every single one of his Knights. Does he have a rebellion on his hands? Did Demyan just snap? He could almost understand an attempt on his own life, but why _Rey_? Was it that she is Jedi? He wonders if he shouldn't have been more open with Demyan about his plans for the girl, about why she is not a threat. But it's too late now. Demyan … He pushes all of that down and focuses on Rey.

Kylo has finally succeeded—he has her! He'll leave the rest of the Resistance to the First Order forces. They're still moving towards the shuttle when she stops walking and says, "Please, let everyone else go. You have me—you have what you want."

"No Rey, this is a great victory for the First Order." He turns to face her, keeping his hand firmly around her arm; he will not allow her to escape him.

"Please, please let them go. I'll come quietly." She's not struggling against his hold and it makes him hopeful.

"I've told you; I'll give you anything but mercy for the Resistance." He's trying not to be distracted by the feeling of _touching_ her. He's keenly aware of how observed they are. The Knights have stopped their trek to watch. Kylo knows they are all very curious about his intentions toward the scavenger, and are no doubt quite interested to hear what they are saying. He senses their shock and sadness around the loss of Demyan—he feels it, too.

"Please, I'll … I'll give you whatever you want, just let them go."

"I've already told you no," he says firmly.

"I won't resist, I'll let you do … do whatever you want to me if you'll please let everyone else live." Rey's eyes are full of resignation and he's horrified by what she is suggesting.

He whips off his mask, not caring that his Knights can see him, not caring about the blinding rain. He bores down on her intensely and hisses lowly, "You think I want you bought and paid for?"

"I didn't think you much cared so long as you could _have_ me," she says with scorn, her lips curl in disgust and her eyes narrow in contempt.

"You are so very wrong, Rey." He is exceptionally angry and hurt by her suggestion that he would want her unwilling. He may have crossed nearly every line there is to cross, but that— _that_ is something he will _never_ do. That she would think him capable of that … He's breathing hard, his nostrils flaring as he looks into her eyes.

She looks back. Her face has softened and now her eyes are full of hope.

Rey lifts her chin slightly and says, "Then will you do it because I've asked you to? Will you let them go because it would make me happy?"

He's very aware that his Knights are privy to this conversation, that his face is exposed and that they can easily perceive just what sort of hold his beloved has on him. His eyes dart back and forth as he tries to decide what to do. The bulk of the Resistance forces have already fallen, perhaps he could give her this? However, he's concerned with how the Knights will react to such an obvious capitulation. Leia Organa is surely one of those captured, how could he justify simply letting her go?

Rey does something very unexpected then: she steps into him, closing the last few inches of space, her chest flush against his. She lifts her hand and cups his cheek and says, "Please?"

The feel of her soft hand on his face robs him of speech. His pulse spikes and his chest is tight. He's never felt anything like the sensation of her hand against his cheek, there's a hum of energy just beneath his skin that seems to meld with her touch. It's like acceptance and home, desire and lust, understanding and friendship, all wrapped up in the tips of her fingers. He is drowning and he is helpless as he finds himself saying, "Alright, Rey."

* * *

She is mute as they return to the _Finalizer_ in his shuttle. He's sitting with her in the aft section, his Knights wisely clustered at the fore of the ship. She's next to him, a few hand widths away. She's almost curled in on herself.

He's shocked by what it does to him to have her so close. He had thought this need would grow manageable so long as he had her near, but instead he's coursing with desperate desire. He's focused on his gloves and how much he wishes to touch her without anything between them. He's only ever touched her through an act of force. Taking her on Takodana, pulling her to his shuttle on Ilaria ... He wants … he wants to touch her gently.

Rey says nothing, looking out the view port silently instead. He wants to talk with her but she's so drawn into herself he doesn't know what to say. Her face is like stone and the Bond is ice cold.

His Knights have shown great reserve, none speaking a word as they huddle in the front of the ship. He hopes that they will not gossip, just as he knows he cannot stop it. He wonders how Grandfather would have dealt with such things had Grandmother lived? Once he has Rey situated, he's going to have to gather the Knights together to address the events of this night. He's resentful that he must be parted from her again so soon after their reunion.

Once they have landed, Kylo replaces his helmet. He turns to Rey and offers her his hand again, hoping that she will allow him to escort her properly. Her eyes flit to his mask and her lips purse slightly. He knows she doesn't like his helmet, but he cannot keep it off in front of the crew of the _Finalizer_.

"You've let them go?" she asks.

"You heard me give the order."

"And they really do what you say?"

"Yes, Rey, your … friends are safe. Well, those who were not already dead." She frowns at that and he wishes he hadn't said it.

He reaches his hand out again and says, "Come, let me show you to your quarters."

"My quarters? I'm … I'm not a prisoner?" Her eyes are wide and confused.

"No, Rey, you are not. Did you not listen to anything I've said for the last 10 months? Where would you get the idea that I would want that?"

She's silent for a long time but she puts her hand in his and he tucks it at his elbow, preparing to make it clear to everyone that she is the Supreme Leader's lady.

They walk down the ramp together, and he can't quite believe that he's here in this place. He feels her small hand curled around his arm and he holds his head high as he walks with his beloved. The hangar is crawling with returning forces and everyone stops and stares. Rey stays quiet, keeping her eyes on the floor. She is disheveled and covered in mud, but to him he's never seen anything more regal.

* * *

He's requested the corridors be kept empty as he walks her to her rooms, so he feels it is safe to again remove his mask. He tries to feel for her through the Bond, but she's keeping him firmly on his side of their connection.

They've arrived at her quarters and he removes one of his gloves and places his palm on the scanner. He keys in the code to input her access and reaches for her hand with this now bare fingers. He almost gasps at the feeling of her hand in his. Maker, it's intense.

She looks up and traps him in her gaze. Her eyes seem to plead with him, but he's not sure what she's feeling. He knows he's trembling as he pushes her palm against the device. She's standing right next to him and it would be so easy to pull her into his arms. He holds his hand over hers, keeping it trapped between his palm and the surface and he cannot seem to pull back, though the system has long since signaled its acceptance. He can't move; she's so close and the feel of her skin against his has stolen his ability to think. She continues to stare into his eyes. His fingers shift and he's lacing them between hers, still holding her hand flat against the scanner. He can feel every inch where their fingers touch and the heat is building in him. Her eyes burn and her lips part. She's breathing quickly, too.

But then she blinks, pulls her hand from beneath his, and says, "I think it will let me in now."

"Yes, yes of course." He's trying to bring himself back under control. How is he going to function with the knowledge of what the simple act of their hands whispering together does to him?

She opens the door with her newly-accepted credentials and he is alight with anticipation. He has been waiting for this moment for _months_.

They enter the main sitting room and she stops suddenly and looks around quickly as if she can't quite take it all in. He's quite pleased to find that the current selection of flora is particularly lush, the blooms especially colorful.

"Kylo … what is this?"

"I know that you like growing things. I thought … I thought it would make you more comfortable." He's very nervous now. She's not smiling and she seems almost afraid.

"But … how is this going to work? You trust me not to escape, just like that?"

"Well … no, not immediately. There should already be a dozen stormtroopers stationed outside your door. And they're all immune to the Jedi mind trick, so don't get any ideas. Once you show you can be trusted, they will escort you anywhere you'd like to go, but at first only I will accompany you. I've ensured that anything you could want is available to you here. You won't need to leave. Come, let me show you your training room." He reaches for her hand, his glove still off and he's surprised when she snatches her hand away.

"No. I think … I think I'd prefer a cell."

"What?!" he sputters in disbelief.

"This is a very pretty cage, but it's still a cage. I'd prefer not to get confused about what's really happening here."

"What do you mean, what's really happening here?"

"You took me and are holding me prisoner."

"No! I … but you came almost willingly …"

"You pulled me to you with the Force from what had to be 30 feet away and held me frozen. I know when to fight and when to live to fight another day. There was no getting away from you—not today," she says steadily.

"But … you took my hand, you let me escort you … you touched my face," Kylo whispers. She's going to do it again—she's going to rip his heart in two, he just knows she is.

"I needed you to let my friends go, and you did. I was grateful."

"So you let me think …"

"I didn't want to embarrass you in front of your crew by making a scene. I let you escort me because by letting the Resistance go, you earned that."

"I am not a dog, earning your scraps!"

"Would you prefer I'd screamed and kicked all the way from the shuttle?" she asks with contemptuous disbelief.

"Yes, _yes_!" he yells. "At least then I wouldn't have hoped, wouldn't have believed …" Kylo trails off miserably.

"You thought, just like that, that I would turn to you? I've been telling you for _months_ that I never wanted this. You are a cold-blooded murderer, Kylo. Why would I ever allow myself to return your feelings?"

"You'll see in time that I am right. We are meant to be together—it is the will of the Force," he returns stubbornly. He wants to shut out her awful words.

"Not this again …" she mutters, her tone exasperated.

It's all going horribly wrong and he must retreat; he cannot bear more of her rejection after being filled with such hope.

"My Knights require my attention. I will return shortly and we will dine together. You will find clean clothing in the bedroom. Explore the quarters; I put quite a bit of effort into them," he says, his tone formal and yet still full of hurt.

He turns on his heel and strides from her quarters, thrusting his helmet over his head as he practically runs from her.

* * *

Thank you to my spectacular beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. She always takes such care with my work and is marvelously supportive. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I couldn't do this without her.

Thank you to everyone who is reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing. I am so happy that you're here, thank you for giving me your time.

Come say 'hi' on tumblr! I'm perrydowning.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I will only be updating on Mondays this week and next in order to have time to finish my rough draft for the Reylo Anthology. I'm terribly sorry!**

* * *

Kylo stalks down the corridor; nothing had gone as he had planned— _nothing_. Rey hadn't been pleased with her quarters, she had even asked to be put in a cell! He had thought this _need_ would quiet once she was near but it's only growing worse. Now that he _knows_ what her touch feels like … all he has to do is close his eyes and he feels her hand against his cheek ... their fingers laced together against the scanner. Oh Maker, how is he going to control himself?

He pulls his comm from his robes and barks, "Hux!"

"Yes, Supreme Leader?"

"Have the Knights meet me in my hall." He shuts off the device, knowing Hux will do as he bids. He strides angrily to the old holochamber.

Kylo finds the Knights already assembled around the massive table. The room is thick with apprehension, the Knights all sitting very straight in their chairs.

"Who knew," he growls dangerously.

A cacophony of, "I had no idea, I knew nothing, I never thought Demyan would do that," fills the room.

"Quiet!" he roars as he advances on Vitok. He looms over her and says menacingly, "You were with him for _days_ on Coruscant, you mean to tell me that you knew _nothing_?"

"I swear Supreme Leader, it never occurred to me he would go against you like that." She's pulling back and shaking her head wildly.

"But you knew he was … displeased."

"He told me … he told me of your … conversation." Kylo has no wish to speak of that in front of the other Knights.

"Vitok Ren, you will come with me." Kylo sweeps from the room, knowing Vitok will follow him. He ducks into a small antechamber and turns to face Vitok.

"Tell me everything. Leave nothing out," Kylo demands.

"Demyan said that he was concerned, that there was something about this girl that was wrong, bad for the First Order. I never once thought he would act against you, Supreme Leader. Demyan … he has always been fiercely loyal to you," Vitok says hurriedly.

Grief moves through Kylo then. He'd killed Demyan … But he won't think about that.

"What else?"

"He only pressed me on what I believed; what I thought of your recent behavior."

"And what _do_ you believe, Vitok Ren?" Kylo ask warningly.

"I believe that you have always acted for the good of the First Order, for the good of the galaxy, and you have given me no reason to question that belief."

"There must have been something else; he must have given you _some_ hint as to why he would disobey a direct order like that."

"He only spoke of when you were … boys. He reminisced a great deal, speaking of the time at the Academy. How you would work on learning how to use the Force to freeze each other in secret because Master Skywalker forbade it. He told me many stories. Do you wish me to recount them?" Vitok's tone is cautious and measured.

Pain lances through Kylo's chest and he's flooded with memories. Demyan … no. Orin—he had been Orin then. He _cannot_ allow himself to be pulled into that place of warmth and memory. He shakes his head once, pushing away all that Orin had meant ... _still_ means to him.

"No, I do not require that of you. You're certain he said nothing of his intention to try to murder the girl?" Kylo is seized by the desperate urge to ensure that she is safe and in her quarters. He reaches through the Bond, gently asking if she's alright. He feels a flicker of response. It's not quite a reply, but it is enough.

"I'm sorry Supreme Leader, he said nothing that would raise suspicion. I would have come to you immediately had he done so." Kylo realizes that Vitok is truly sincere; she is loyal to him and he believes her. But he must be sure. If the Knights worked together they could potentially hurt Rey and he cannot have that.

"Show me," he orders.

Vitok hesitates. "Show me!" Kylo demands fiercely.

Vitok reaches up and removes her helmet, revealing a pale, plain face with faint lines and kind, brown eyes. Kylo lifts his hand and enters her mind. He finds no defenses as he peruses her memories of the last few days. He sees them hunting for Qree on Coruscant, evenings spent in the lowest of places. He pauses when he finds Demyan, maskless, recounting the time he and Kylo had snuck into the archive at the Academy. Demyan's clear blue eyes are full of humor as he tells Vitok of the excitement of their youthful indiscretion. Kylo remembers how they had stayed up all night buried in forbidden holocrons. He doesn't want to see any more and he withdraws quickly.

"It is as you say. You are dismissed. Send in Jashad and Palek." Kylo has taken to treating them like a matched set.

Vitok holds his eyes for a beat and then strides to the door. She's about to replace her helmet when Kylo stops her.

"Wait," Kylo instructs. Vitok turns back to him. "Why do you think he did it?" Kylo must make sense of this.

Vitok blinks and looks away. "I think … I think he did it to protect you. I think he thought that without the girl you would ..."

"Yes?" Kylo presses.

"Permission to speak freely, Supreme Leader?" Vitok asks warily.

"Granted."

"You have not been yourself as of late, and I believe I know why. I hope that now that she is with you, you will be … calmer. Demyan cares ... _cared_ about you a great deal. I think he thought that once you were free of the girl you would be as you were. As I said, I believe he did it _for_ you, as misguided as that may have been."

"I see." Kylo is shaken by this revelation. If Vitok is correct, then Demyan had been loyal to him to the last, in his own strange way. Kylo doesn't know how to feel about this. "Carry on, Vitok Ren."

She puts on her helmet and withdraws; soon Jashad and Palek are standing before him.

"While you were waiting for Wylan to arrive, did Demyan say _anything_ to you to indicate he planned to act against me?"

"No, Supreme Leader," they say in unison.

"What did you speak of when I was not present?"

Jashad and Palek look at each other and it's Jashad who speaks. "Well, we did talk about how … focused you were on capturing the girl."

"And do you believe Demyan acted correctly?" Kylo hisses.

"No! No, in fact … uhm … we think it's probably best that she's here with you," Jashad says.

"What do you mean?" Kylo asks, his eyes narrowing behind his mask.

Palek cuts in then and says, "We mean no disrespect, but it was … obvious that you at the very least wanted the girl, and after seeing you with her … I think we all understand what this was really about."

Kylo knows that what they say is true, and now that he has her, he has no wish to hide what she is to him.

"She is important to me; she is to be my consort," he admits softly.

"You could have told us; we would have understood," Palek says, his tone gentle.

"It was none of your business!" Kylo says sharply, the moment of understanding having passed.

"Yes, Supreme Leader," they again say in tandem.

* * *

He's walking back to her quarters having questioned each of his Knights. He had rifled through all of their minds and had found nothing of concern. Demyan, it would seem, had truly acted alone. Wylan had known nothing, as he'd only just arrived, and Natan had been his usual inscrutable self. Kylo had sworn the Knights to silence about what they had witnessed on Ilaria. It wouldn't do for the entire ship to find out that the Supreme Leader is only too happy to do his lady's bidding. He still refuses to think about Demyan … Orin.

Arriving at her door, Kylo lets himself into her rooms and finds Rey sitting on the settee, she looks up quickly. She has bathed and is wearing a simple, pale shirt and dark leggings. He's relieved that she's explored enough to find her clothing. He had hoped she would have selected something finer, but he won't push her. Not yet. Her hair is neat and clasped back in a single bun against the base of her head. He wishes she would leave it down; he wants to tangle his fingers in her free tresses. He removes his helmet and places it on the small table near the door. He pauses before removing his gloves as well.

"You didn't knock," she says with reproach.

"I've had quite enough of you deciding when you will _grace_ me with your presence."

"So you're just going to come and go as you please?"

"That is the general idea, yes." Rey purses her lips and looks at him coldly.

Kylo looks around the room and asks, "Have you found everything to your liking?" He hopes she has enjoyed what he has prepared for her.

"I would still rather you keep me in a cell," Rey says spitefully.

"Why, Rey—why must you always fight me?" That she wants to be treated like a common prisoner makes his heart _ache_.

"Because I don't want this!"

"But you're here, now, why not simply enjoy what I've done for you?" he beseeches.

"You truly don't understand, do you?" She tilts her head to the side and he sees a flash of sadness flit across her face.

"Understand what?"

"You can't just kidnap me and expect me to 'simply enjoy' my prison!"

"It's not a prison!"

"Oh, so I'm free to leave?" She gets up and walks to the door where she opens it and finds the promised wall of stormtroopers. She waves her hand at their backs and says, "See? It's a lovely cage." Rey closes the door and walks to the middle of the room, keeping her distance from him.

"I don't want it to be but you've given me no choice!"

"You've _always_ had a choice."

He stalks to where she is standing and the need to reach for her pulls at him strongly. He keeps his hands firmly at his sides as he growls, "There is no _choice_ between us—not now. Not after the Bond."

He's standing very close to her and he sees her hands lift slightly before they curl into fists; she leans forward slightly, as if drawn to him.

"I know you feel it just as I do," he murmurs, watching as his breath stirs the escaped curls framing her face. He can't help himself—he lifts one bare hand and trails his fingers along her jaw. It's almost electric and they both gasp at the contact; her eyes go wide with fear. She steps back swiftly and grinds out, "Don't touch me."

"Oh, Rey, I know you feel it. I know that the Bond pulls you to me just as it pulls me to you."

"I won't be controlled by some stupid Bond I never even wanted!" Rey whirls away from him, holding herself tightly with her arms.

"So you do feel it." Kylo is brimming with satisfaction—finally, finally she is crumbling. She _does_ feel it; he knew it! He's overwhelmed by the knowledge that he had been right all along; she needs him, too. Emboldened by this awareness, he comes up behind her and places his trembling hands on her shoulders. Slowly, gently, he pulls her to his chest as she instinctively leans back into him. The Bond _hums_ with pleasure. He closes his eyes and lets _her_ wash over him. It's everything he had hoped it would be, feeling her pressed against him. Every point where they touch is alive with connection, pulsing energy flowing between them. All too soon she's pulling away, rushing away from him to the other side of the room. Her sudden departure leaves him bereft and aching.

"Please don't do that," Rey says shakily.

"But …" He had _felt_ her respond, felt as she had settled against him.

"If I admit it—if I tell you that yes, yes I feel it, will you promise not to touch me?" She's looking at him like she's terrified of him.

"What?" If she won't let him touch her ...

"I don't want this! If I'm to be trapped here, I can't have you confusing me like this. You're right, you've always been right: I _do_ feel it. But I don't _want_ to," she whispers the last brokenly. She has her arms wrapped around herself again and she's shaking slightly.

"Please, please give this a chance. Give … give _me_ a chance," he pleads. He walks towards her slowly, lifting his hands. He doesn't even mean to, not really, but the need to touch her again is overwhelming his reason.

"No!" She skitters away from him and now she's against the wall. Her eyes are wild and frantic.

"But if you feel it … Maker, it's pulling me _apart_. Please, just let me hold you."

"No! I won't give in—I won't let this Bond dictate what I do!"

"Am I so reprehensible to you?" Kylo asks, feeling the very familiar sting of her rejection.

"What you've done is."

"If you'd only just let me explain _why_ , I know you would understand." Kylo wants very much to go to her again but he controls himself, standing rigidly. She pulls her arms even more tightly around herself and looks at the floor for quite some time.

Finally she looks up and quietly asks, "If I let you explain, will you promise not to touch me?"

"Please, please don't ask that of me," Kylo pleads. Now that he has had the barest hint of what touching her feels like he's not sure what it will do to him to not be able to feel her again.

"Well I am. You wanted, before, to have dinner with me. Those are my terms. I'll do it—I'll sit and listen to everything you have to tell me if you'll promise not to touch me." Kylo is so torn, she's here— _right here_ —and the thought that she won't let him touch her … but perhaps if he explains himself she will relent.

Kylo decides that if he's to give in to her demand he will not accept only dinner this evening. "I propose a different arrangement. You will dine with me _every_ night and we will talk—simply talk. In return, I will … I will promise not to touch you— _until_ you say otherwise." He's chosen his words very carefully. She will see; she will change her mind soon. She _has_ to.

"Every night?"

"Every night. And we will _talk_ —you won't ignore me as is your tendency to do." Months of hurt and resentment infuse his tone.

"And you won't touch me; you won't try to use the Bond against me?"

"I give you my word."

Kylo stays where he is, watching her face. She's quiet, looking down at the floor. He waits; it feels like everything will turn on this moment. His desire to know her, for her to know him, is as great as his need to feel her against him. He truly does want to give her all of himself—his thoughts and dreams as well as his body and heart.

Rey takes a deep breath and looks up at him with resolve in her spine.

"Alright … that is … acceptable. I'll have dinner with you, every night, and I will talk with you. As long as you don't touch me. If you touch me, I won't talk to you ever again," she says warningly.

"It is agreed then?"

"Yes." Rey relaxes a bit but she stays standing against the wall.

Relief floods his body—he hadn't realized just how much he had wanted her to agree. Though he knows he has lost ground, he feels that she's given him something precious in return. He goes to the panel near the door and turns to her. "What would you like for our meal?"

"It doesn't matter, you choose." It seems that she was sincere, that she will allow for them to speak reasonably. His heart lifts at this change in her demeanor.

"Surely you must have some preference?" He wants to please her.

"I've never had the luxury. On Jakku it was portions. With the Resistance it was what was served, and that was beyond anything I had ever experienced."

"I'm sorry," he says softly.

"For taking me?" she asks hopefully.

"No … for the life you led on Jakku."

"Don't pity me. It was mine and at least I was _free_."

"Free? You call crawling through those ships day after day for a pittance from Unkar Plutt freedom?"

"How do you know about Plutt?" Rey asks suspiciously.

"I … I sent stormtroopers to Jakku to find out about you. They interviewed everyone who knew you."

"Of _course_ you did. Is that all you've done since you became Supreme Leader, hunt me?"

"Yes," Kylo admits softly.

She looks at him for a very long time and he wants so badly for her to open the Bond, to let him in, to let him _know_ her. He turns and keys in an order for their meal then walks to the dining area in the corner of the room. He pulls a bottle of wine and two glasses from an elaborately carved cabinet. He feels her approach him but he keeps his focus on his task, opening the wine and pouring the ruby-red liquid into the delicate glasses.

He turns to find her sitting at the table, her chin in her hand. She'd been watching him. He walks slowly to her and hands her her glass. She looks up and he's pinned by her gaze as she takes the glass from him. He's very careful not to touch her fingers. Having her so near and not being able to reach for her is taxing all of his control, but he has promised and he will adhere to that.

Kylo doesn't want the table between them so he takes the seat around the corner from hers. He may not be permitted to touch her, but he still wants to be as close as she will allow. He watches as she gingerly sips her wine.

"Oh!" she exclaims. He smiles; he had hoped she would like it. He'd spent days selecting various wines and liqueurs to fill her cabinet.

"You enjoy it?"

"I … I've never had anything like it before. There are so many flavors, it's … it tastes like the sun."

"It's from Bethna; they only produce a few cases each season. No one knows what they do to create that flavor. It's always been a favorite of mine." He's still smiling at her and he thinks this is the first time they have ever had a reasonable exchange. A memory comes for him then. He's remembering stealing wine from the kitchens at the Academy, Orin by his side. His expression falters and he looks away. She's been focused on her drink and hadn't noticed his struggle.

She snorts into her glass and he frowns.

"You find that amusing?" he asks.

"I do, actually. Kylo Ren, destroyer of worlds and wine connoisseur," she says flippantly.

"There is much you do not know about me."

"And I don't particularly care to."

"I don't think that's true." She looks down. She stays silent and he's at a loss for what to say. He doesn't want to simply launch into his history.

"Tell me of your training," Kylo inquires. Rey looks up sharply and he thinks he sees … anger flash in her eyes.

"That's none of your business," Rey says sharply.

"Rey …"

"It could compromise the Resistance."

"Surely you could tell me what you've enjoyed, what you've excelled at, struggled with?" he entreats.

"No, I won't talk about that."

"You said you would speak with me. I won't press for intelligence, but be reasonable."

"No."

"Would you perhaps show me, instead? Have you found your training room yet?" He's confused by her reluctance to speak of her training.

He catches her eyes and he's shocked to see them filling with tears. "What is it, Rey?"

"Please don't."

"But … I thought it would make you happy …"

"I've told you so many times, you know nothing about me!" she flares.

"I'm trying to. I want to." His voice is full of longing.

"Well I don't want you to!"

Just then they are alerted that the droid has arrived with their meal. Kylo stands and retrieves the tray from the silent droid. He moves to the table and lays the food down. He ignores the tension in the room as he sets the table. Rey looks down at her hands and he can feel waves of strong emotions coming off of her, but he has no idea what she's actually feeling. There is something about training with Skywalker that deeply upsets her. He does not particularly wish to revisit his own training with the man so he opts not to press the issue. He realizes that conversation with her will always be a minefield. Kylo decides he won't tell her of his vision for the galaxy tonight—he wants to build more of a foundation with her.

He retakes his seat, the food now laid out before them. He had selected a rich dish, fragrant with spices. It is full of succulent bits of meat and it has always comforted him. He silently prepares her plate and places it in front of her, then sees to his own. Neither of them speak as they begin to eat. Rey closes her eyes briefly in appreciation and a small smile tugs at his lips. Good, she likes it.

Finally she puts her fork down and says, very quietly, "Thank you."

"I'm glad you enjoy the food."

"I do, but that's not what I meant. I meant thank you for saving my life on Ilaria."

He had not expected her to speak of that and he's frozen by the overwhelming torrent of conflicting feelings rushing through him. Of course he had saved her—he will _always_ save her. Nothing will ever happen to her; no one will harm her so long as he draws breath. But he still has not been able to be alone with his emotions, to process what transpired on Ilaria.

"I …" Kylo doesn't know what to say and he wishes she hadn't brought it up. He wants to focus on _Rey_ , she's finally with him. He's waited, yearned, _dreamed_ of this for so long, yet his feelings about Demyan keep invading his mind. He's not sure what's showing on his face and he longs for his mask.

"Kylo, what is it?" she asks in concern.

"I … it was … I couldn't let anything happen to you." He hadn't even thought, only acted, filled with the fierce instinct to protect Rey at all costs. It had been primal—a total, savage feeling.

"He was one of your own men, wasn't he?"

"Yes," Kylo murmurs, looking away. He suddenly wants to flee; he doesn't want her to see how Demyan's death is affecting him.

"Kylo … I … I can't believe I'm asking you this, but please tell me what's wrong?"

He's panicking; he's not used to speaking of what's inside of him. He should get up, leave, go to his training room and scream, but instead he finds himself saying, "He was my friend."

"And you killed him ... to protect me," she says, understanding blooming in her lovely, kind eyes. Her hand moves towards his but then she pulls it back swiftly, placing it in her lap.

"Yes." He wishes she had given in ... _touched_ him.

"Do you … do you want to talk about it?" She moves her head in order to catch his eyes and the compassion he finds there nearly undoes him. He's so close to falling apart.

"I don't know," he whispers, his voice shaking.

"Well … if you want to, I'm … I'm here." Kylo is very confused by this open, willing Rey. His throat is tight and he wants so badly to cling to her but he cannot. She has forbidden it. This is all so strange; she's finally here and she's inviting intimacy just as he had hoped she would, yet he has no idea how to conduct himself. He's suspicious of her motivations even as he's fairly certain she would not be so cruel as to use his vulnerability against him. It is not in her nature.

"Thank you …" He's very uncomfortable and he wants this moment to pass. He stands abruptly, going to retrieve the wine bottle. He refills their glasses and she looks up at him. Her eyes are encouraging and he looks away. Kylo takes a deep breath, attempting to master himself. He sits back down and sips at his wine.

"Tell me of Jakku," he finally says, needing to change the subject. Rey's brows draw together in confusion and she frowns a little.

"Uhm, okay. Didn't your _stormtroopers_ tell you everything?" she asks.

"I want to hear it from you. You were there for a very long time. It was your home."

"Jakku was _never_ my home." He's thinking that this was a mistake—clearly Jakku is a difficult subject—but he wants to know so he presses on.

"Still, you lived there for most of your life ... tell me something you enjoyed. Please?"

"Sliding down the sands," she says after a moment.

He nods for her to continue.

"There are massive sand dunes on Jakku and ever since I was a little girl I loved to take my skiff to the crest of the largest ones and ride down as fast as I could. I would trudge all the way up over and over again just for the feeling of the wind in my face as I raced to the bottom. I didn't get to do it often, but when I had a particularly good scavenge I could sometimes spare an afternoon." Her face is open and she's smiling broadly, lost in the memory of childhood glee.

"Who took care of you when you were younger?" He had never found a satisfactory answer to that question, even after reviewing all of the holos from Jakku countless times.

" _I_ did," she replies in confusion.

"But … you were there since you were 5 years old?" He cannot imagine a child so young caring for herself.

She snorts and says, "It was Jakku. If you could walk, you could work."

Rey is playing with her napkin and he wants so desperately to reach for her hand, to comfort her. She is _his_ and he somehow feels responsible for not knowing, not coming for her, even though he was only 15 himself at the time.

"I wish I could fix it, change what happened to you. It isn't right, I _hate_ how you lived."

"Well, you can't," she says bitterly.

"I know, but … but I still wish I could. Oh, Rey … I want so much for you to be happy."

"You sure do have a strange way of showing that."

"What do you mean?"

"Seriously? I _was_ happy—happy with your _mother_ ," Rey says accusingly.

"Don't speak of her," Kylo demands.

"Don't tell me what to do." Rey's eyes flash with warning.

"Do not bring up that woman … please." Kylo tries to hide his contempt but fails, badly.

"' _That woman'_? Leia was _amazing_ to me—don't talk about her like that!" Rey leaps from her chair and looms over his still seated form.

"You don't know anything about her; she's nothing but a liar!" He slams his fist on the table and rises, now towering over her. Rey pulls back and her eyes grow wide.

"I was with her for almost a year and I obviously know her better than you do!" Rey stands as tall as she can and thrusts her chin out defiantly.

"You have no _idea_ what sort of person she is, what she did to me, what she _took_ from me," he hisses as he advances on Rey. Kylo barely notices how she's shrinking from him.

Rey takes a few steps back and spits, "And I don't care! Maybe you deserved it; maybe you've always been rotten. Maybe she always knew you were despicable!"

"You know _nothing_ about it," he bites out.

"I know she was only trying to protect you and that you betrayed her—betrayed _everyone_."

"Is that what _she_ told you?" Kylo rumbles dangerously.

"I can think for myself, she didn't need to. I know you, Kylo—I know just what sort of person you are. You're a murderer, a torturer and now you're a kidnapper!"

"No! You left me with no choice! I begged for you to come to me willingly, begged, on my knees!" Kylo roars.

"Get out."

"No."

Rey's voice rises as she pronounces, "Dinner is over. I'm done talking with you. I've _more_ than fulfilled my end of the bargain, given you _so_ much more than you deserve. If these are my quarters, then I have the right to ask you to leave. Or were you lying?"

"I wasn't lying."

"Then prove it to me and get out!" she orders angrily.

Kylo growls, "We're not done yet."

"Oh yes we are—get out, get out, _get out_!" Rey screams.

Everything that's happened this day wells up in him and he's enraged. He's vibrating with fury and he finds his saber in his hand.

"There— _there_ you are. Yes, take up that hideous monstrosity you call a lightsaber and threaten me, hurt me, show me who you really are, _Kylo Ren_ ," she hisses.

He's seeing red and he knows he must get out of here; she's suggesting such awful things and he can't bring himself under control. He stalks to her door and thrusts his helmet on his head. He flees without saying another word.

* * *

Kylo slams from her room, heartsick and infuriated. It had been going so well! She had enjoyed the wine, the meal … she had even reached out to him and asked him to speak to her of Demyan. But then she just had to bring up his _mother_ and he'd been unable to control himself.

He very nearly flies down the corridors. He wants to kill something. He wants someone, _anyone,_ to just give him a reason. Kylo has his saber lit before he's through his training room door and he's hacking at the walls, not even bothering with the droids. He strikes and strikes and strikes, so hard and so fast that the metal has grown molten, dripping onto the deck. It glows red and orange, pooling at his feet. He tears his helmet from his head and throws it violently across the room. His anguished screams reverberate against the walls and he howls until he's hoarse.

"Why?" he bellows to no one ... to Demyan … Orin. Nothing is working; no amount of destruction is calming him. He uses the Force to fling a training droid across the room and it splinters into hundreds of pieces as it smashes into the bulkhead. Then another, and another, until none remain and the floor is littered with a sea of droid parts.

He goes to his knees and begins to pound on the floor, harder and harder until he feels his knuckles split. He beats the deck savagely until he feels the fine bones in his hands break and he rolls onto his back, panting, sweat pouring down his face. He lies there, staring at the ceiling, his chest heaving.

Nothing has gone right—nothing. He's lost his only friend and his beloved only speaks to him to keep him from touching her.

* * *

Thank you to the ever wonderful Meaghan M/Juulna for her mad beta skills and friendship. She was extra super helpful on this chapter, helping me tweak a tricky point endlessly.

Thank you to Hannidae for your help with this chapter, your thoughts are always much appreciated.

Thank you to everyone who is reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing!


	13. Chapter 13

After an age he drags himself from the floor, wincing at his ravaged hands. He clumsily replaces his helmet and makes his way out of his destroyed training room.

* * *

Kylo stalks into the medical bay and the staff gives him a wide berth. They know that when Kylo Ren arrives not to approach him. Soon his assigned droid appears in front of him and Kylo follows it stiffly to his usual room.

"What is the problem today, sir?" the medical droid inquires. Kylo says nothing, simply thrusts his hands in front of the synthetic doctor. It inspects the damage and efficiently applies bacta patches and splints to his fingers.

"Do not remove the bacta or the splints until the day after tomorrow."

"That is unacceptable, I must have use of my hands by morning." He won't let Rey see what she's reduced him to.

"Then you will be required to stay overnight, sir. We will need to suspend your hands in an intensive bacta solution."

"Fine. Ensure I am unseen."

"Of course sir, as per my programming. No patient will see you and my memory will be wiped on your orders."

"Excellent."

* * *

He lies in the strange bed, his hands floating in the healing solution, and he wishes they could so easily mend his aching heart. Kylo hadn't really considered what he had been promising when he had agreed not to touch her. He'd simply been elated that she would agree to speak with him— _finally_ speak with him.

After so many months of constant rejection, the chance at her attention _every night_ had been too fine a prize to pass up. But now he sees how cruel it really is. She'd _finally_ admitted to wanting to touch him, wanting to touch him so badly that she feared she could not control herself. The way she had responded to his fingers trailing along her face, how she had leaned into him … He sees now that she has him backed into a corner; a perverse cage where they both crave each other but he's honor-bound to deny them both.

He wonders if he should have spoken with her about Demyan … if he had opened himself up to her, let her see his grief and confusion, perhaps the evening would have gone differently. Kylo regrets bitterly that he so completely lost control of himself. He remembers the fear in her eyes and he wants … he wants to apologize. He would never hurt her—surely she must know that? He reaches out, pressing lightly against the Bond, but finds it closed. He won't push; he knows he's behaved abominably.

He sighs heavily and tries to tell himself that it will only be a matter of time, that surely as she learns of him, as he unfurls her, surely she will give in. She has agreed that she will speak with him every single night and he will finally have his chance to know her, for her to know him. Soon she will unchain him and he will gorge himself on her light.

* * *

Kylo is flexing his hands; they are sore but it is more than manageable. The medical droid pokes and prods until it is satisfied and he gives the order for it to wipe its memory. He must see her. His desire to apologize has left him; he will simply continue on without remarking on last night. That is as it has always been between them: they rarely address what has transpired, they simply move forward. Soon he's making his way to Rey's quarters. It may only be morning, but he had said _nothing_ about leaving her be outside of their promised dinners. She had not extracted so much from him.

* * *

The stormtroopers part and he pauses outside of her door, remembering her admonishment that he had not knocked. But his pride is still wounded from last night when he'd had to flee her quarters, his control in tatters. He opens the door without alerting her first.

Kylo is already pulling his helmet from his head as he strides through her door. His hands are still bruised so he leaves his gloves on. It's not as if it matters—he's not allowed to touch her anyway.

He looks around the sitting room and finds it empty. He hesitates; he will not go into her bedroom without her permission. Perhaps she is in her training room? But then he hears the sound of running water from the 'fresher ... she must be bathing. A jolt of pure desire races through him as he realizes she is naked just on the other side of the wall. His eyes close and his breathing quickens as he feels himself respond to that knowledge. Kylo swallows thickly and he wills himself to calm.

He decides he will simply sit and wait for her. Kylo settles into a plush chair opposite the settee with a perfect view to her bedroom door and looks forward to seeing his beloved. He's reminded of when he had sat crouched on _Starkiller_ , content so long as he could gaze upon her face as he had anticipated her waking.

Rey comes out of her bedroom, reading a datapad. She's not seen him. She is wearing a deep purple tunic and another set of dark leggings; he assumes it is the plainest clothing she could find. He supposes he should be grateful that she deigns to wear any of it at all. He's irritated to see her wet hair tortured into those blasted buns again.

"Rey …" he murmurs.

She squeaks and drops the datapad as she jumps slightly. "What are _you_ doing here?" she exclaims.

"Good morning, Rey. Did you sleep well?"

"It's not time for dinner," she growls.

"I never said that I would only see you in the evenings."

"You can't just show up whenever you feel like it!"

"Oh, but I can." He stands and walks to her, but stops before he gets too close.

"No—let's get one thing straight _right now_. You, you knock and then I let you in. I'm not having you come and go as you please." She thrusts her finger at him as she speaks.

"I grew very weary of you shutting me out; I won't allow you to do that to me again."

"Can't you see how … creepy it is for you to just show up in what are supposed to be _my_ quarters?" Her hands are at her hips.

"I only wanted to see you," Kylo says softly.

Her eyes dart to his and her face softens for the briefest of moments before she's crossing her arms in front of her. Rey huffs out a little breath. "Look, Kylo … please try to see it from my perspective. You've kidnap-"

"I did no-"

"Please don't interrupt. You've _brought_ me here and I am not allowed to leave these rooms without your permission. You've taken away my freedom." Kylo opens his mouth to speak but Rey hurries on, "Yes you have, let me finish. You _know_ that you have; you cannot possibly believe otherwise if you actually look at what you've done." She looks into his eyes steadily.

Kylo thinks about what she's said. He supposes that, from a certain point of view, she is correct. He _does_ have her door guarded, but only because he cannot trust her to _stay_.

"You know that this is not how I want it to be? I would much prefer for you to have run of the ship, but we both know that you would only leave me," he says bitterly.

Rey blinks quickly and looks away. Kylo doesn't know what to make of her reaction.

"Will you please remove your access to my quarters?" Rey asks.

"No. But … but I will knock in the future," he concedes.

"Well, I'd _really_ rather you not be able to open my door whenever you feel like it, but I guess it's better than nothing," she grumbles.

There is a strained silence and Kylo doesn't know what to say. He had not intended to speak of last night but he realizes there is one thing he must correct and he decides that it is necessary.

"Last night …" Kylo begins. Rey looks up warily. "Last night, you thought that I would hurt you. I will never hurt you, you need to understand that."

"Well you sure seemed like you would hurt me." Rey has her arms wrapped around herself protectively.

"No, Rey. Never. I … I know that I lose my temper, but I will _never_ harm you in any way," he says fervently.

"But you'll throw one hell of a temper tantrum and destroy your hands?" she asks with raised brows.

"How do you know about that?" Kylo asks sharply.

"The Bond. You rarely block me and you were so very angry that you didn't notice I was there." She draws closer to him, her hands falling to her sides.

"I see." He hadn't wanted her to know how out of control he could get.

"Your hands, are they alright?" She reaches for him, as if she's about to take his hands in hers. He sees her jaw tighten and she pulls her arms back, but she's still standing right in front of him.

"Yes, they're fine." She's so _close_.

"And you, are you alright?" Her eyes are soft, her face open, and he doesn't know what to do with her concern.

"Why do you care?" he asks suspiciously.

"Fine, I don't, never mind." Her expression closes instantly. She steps back and turns away slightly.

He reaches a hand out for her then pulls it back in frustration. "No, wait, I'm sorry. I just … I never know where I stand with you. You push me away but then it's almost as if I _matter_ to you. It's always been like that, from the very beginning. I never know what you're really _feeling_." He can't quite believe that he's speaking to her so openly.

Rey scoffs and looks to the ceiling. "Well that makes two of us." Her body is still angled away from his but he can see her profile.

"What do you mean?" Kylo asks.

"Let it go; I didn't intend to say that," she says tightly.

"But you did."

Rey purses her lips but says nothing.

"Rey?"

She looks down at the floor, still staying silent.

"Please, Rey, what did you mean?" Could she possibly mean that those times of concern and almost closeness are truly for him and not simply her compassionate nature?

She turns fully away and opens the view screen, watching the blue of hyperspace. Clearly she doesn't plan to say any more on this subject. He wants to demand that she explain herself, force her to admit how she genuinely feels about him, but he decides that he will be patient. For a long time she watches the stars streak by and _he_ watches _her_.

"What do you think you will do with your day?" he finally asks.

Rey turns back to him and rolls her eyes as she says, "Oh, I don't know, what does a lady of leisure do with herself all day? Probably try to keep from going insane."

"You have access to the ship's library—I restricted nothing."

"Oh how very gracious of you."

"Rey, I'm trying. I've done everything I could think of to make you happy."

"Yes, lovely clothes, a 'fresher full of creams and oils I've never even heard of, a training room I …" She stops herself before continuing, "The rooms are beautiful, I'll give you that. But that does not change the fact that _I do not want to be here_."

"I didn't know what else to do! I _need_ you with me and, what's more, I think you need me, too."

Rey glowers down at the floor but then her eyes lift up and he sees the anguish in their depths and he knows she's every bit as trapped as he is. The only difference is that he revels in this Bond while she denies it with everything she is.

"Rey … what can I do for you? You have but to ask. You must know that." They're standing a few feet apart and the pull that never leaves him pulses under his skin.

"That's just it, Kylo. I've _told_ you what I want. I even asked you to come to me but you didn't even consider it. All of this, it's always been on your terms."

"No. No! You're the one who has always controlled _everything_. _You_ decide if you'll speak to me, what you will share with me, now if I may even touch you!" Kylo says in frustration. He takes a step toward her.

"You _hunted_ me, I pleaded with you to let me go. How can you _possibly_ believe that I'm the one in control?" she scoffs.

"Because you've had me at your _mercy_ since _Starkiller_. You've given me crumbs and hints, whispers and shreds—just enough to keep me from going mad. _You gave me no choice_ ," he says heatedly.

"You never for one minute _ever_ considered a solution that did not include me, here, by your side. I'm supposed to give up everything I believe in just like that because we're Bound? What about you? What did _you_ give up?" Rey's voice is brimming with accusation.

"Everything, _everything_! I killed my master for you, I became _Supreme Leader_ for you. Everything I've done since the moment I saw you I have done for _you_!" Why doesn't she _see_?

Rey sighs heavily and says, "You are extremely difficult to talk to."

"Well so are you!" Kylo exclaims in exasperation.

Suddenly Rey starts to giggle and she puts her hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter. Kylo simply stands there, completely uncertain of how to react.

Rey gasps and says, "Maker, what a pair we are. You're the _Supreme Leader_ and you're spending your time arguing with a nobody scavenger from _Jakku_. You've chased me clear across the galaxy and now I'm in this gorgeous room full of _plants_ and we're bickering over whose fault this all is. You have to admit that it's ridiculous."

"You may have a point," Kylo says stiffly. He's unsure if she's laughing at him and he doesn't like it.

"Stop; I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at us. It's that or cry and Force knows I've cried enough tears over all of this."

"You have?" His chagrin leaves him in an instant at the thought of her in pain.

"Yes, Kylo, I have." He looks into her eyes and they're so full of sadness.

"I never wanted to hurt you." He takes another step closer to her. It's as if she's the sun and he cannot help but orbit her.

"I know …" she says softly.

"I've never known what to do, how to do this. I just … I need you, Rey. I cannot face a life without you. Please, just let me care for you. Be here with me; help me find a way for this to work. You're everything to me and you've been ripping me to pieces for months." He draws nearer still.

"I … never wanted to hurt you, either." Her eyes are full of something gentle and kind that he cannot define.

"Is that really true?" How he hopes it is true.

"Yes … I don't know what the answer to all of this is, but I do know that I hate hurting you," Rey says sincerely.

"Well, we have found one thing we have in common. We do not wish to hurt the other." He's gazing into her beautiful face. Stars, he could look on her forever.

"One thing in common …" She smiles wistfully.

"I'm sure we will find many more," Kylo murmurs. They are only inches away from each other and they're both trembling. Suddenly, Rey breathes in sharply and the panic is back in her eyes.

Kylo steps back—this is the closest he's ever felt to her and he's terrified to spoil it. It doesn't matter how desperately he wishes to pull her to him, he will do as she has bidden.

He decides it's time to leave while they aren't at each other's throats. "I have duties to attend to. I will return for dinner."

Rey blinks rapidly at this. "Of course. Dinner." Her eyes grow hard. He's confused, he'd _seen_ her soften.

"If you need something, the stormtroopers have been given instructions to bring you anything that you require."

"Right. How could I forget my jailers," she flippantly. He wishes they weren't necessary.

"Rey, you know I don't wa-"

"I will see you this evening," she interrupts.

Kylo dislikes her abrupt dismissal but he does not want to fight with her. "This evening, then," he says evenly.

From the doorway he turns back to look at her. She's watching him go. Yes she has withdrawn, but for a moment they had made some progress. He feels that perhaps there is hope.

* * *

They're en route to Vren. He hopes that they will find Sylten Qree and that he will have the key to Rey's parents. He supposes it's possible this man is her father, but he rather hopes not. He's in his office contemplating his morning with Rey when Hux arrives. The general seems cautious.

"Supreme Leader?"

"Yes, Hux."

"I feel it is my duty to address something with you," the ever put-upon officer says.

"That does not generally go very well for you."

"Even so, there is talk in the ranks and I believe you should be informed," Hux presses on.

"Get on with it, Hux."

"Your decision to let the Resistance go on Ilaria—it is not sitting well with the fleet."

"Their casualties were heavy, the base a complete loss. It hardly matters," Kylo dismisses.

"Be that as it may, it would be … prudent to explain your actions. At least allow me to inform the senior officers." Kylo supposes he must give them something.

"Fine. The girl … Rey. She has valuable information on Skywalker and I thought she would be more amenable if I let her friends live." It's true enough. He has a score to settle with Skywalker; once Rey knows what the _Jedi Master_ did, he may be able to persuade her to divulge his location.

"And this has nothing to do with allowing Leia Organa to escape?"

Does everyone have to bring up _that woman_? "Hux, I suggest you drop that line of thought right now. You know what transpired on _Starkiller_. I think I've proven myself on that score," Kylo says warningly.

"Of course, Supreme Leader. And you believe that Skywalker is a greater threat to the First Order?" He doesn't really, but he can't very well tell Hux that he let them go to please Rey.

"Yes, I do."

"Supreme Leader, there is one last item I feel must be discussed."

"Of course there is. Well?" Kylo asks impatiently.

"This girl, Rey. What is her status? She is not being held in a cell as a typical prisoner and yet she is guarded night and day. You went to great lengths to procure her and you escorted her personally to quarters that are on the same corridor as your own." The general is very well informed. As much as he may find the man irritating, Kylo cannot deny that General Hux is very good at his job.

Kylo had known he would have to explain Rey eventually, but he has not yet formed a suitable response. He considers simply refusing to answer, but Demyan's death is making him seriously reconsider his tactics. He decides to tell Hux the truth.

"In time it is my hope she will be Lady Ren."

Hux's eyes widen as he confirms, "As in your consort?"

"Yes."

"I was under the impression that the Knights of Ren do not marry."

"It is good, then, that I am no longer a Knight of Ren."

"Of course. Forgive me, Supreme Leader."

"If there isn't anything else, Hux, I am extremely busy."

"No, sir."

* * *

Kylo Ren is attempting to review the latest plans for the First Order's expansion, but he is finding it very difficult to focus knowing that Rey is but a few decks away. Thoughts of Demyan continue to plague him and he's considering going to her now, though it is far too early.

"Supreme Leader," his comm chirps.

"Yes?"

"Vitok Ren is requesting an audience."

Speaking with Vitok would actually be an excellent distraction. "Send her in," Kylo orders.

Vitok Ren enters his office and stands in front of his desk, at attention.

"What do you require?"

"I hope I am not overstepping, sir." She pauses.

"Continue, Vitok Ren."

Vitok continues to hesitate before taking a deep breath. "I wish to know if you plan to make … arrangements for Demyan Ren."

Her question feels like ice water in his veins. He had not thought of this and he knows that he must face it. That Demyan's body is lying somewhere on the _Finalizer_ in a cold coffin has been at the edge of his consciousness, but he has not allowed himself to become fully aware of it. Not until now.

"Please … sit, Vitok," Kylo offers wearily.

She takes the seat opposite his desk and Kylo considers what to do. Demyan had been a loyal and devoted Knight of Ren and it is only proper that the knights honor their fallen comrade, his last act notwithstanding.

"How are the other knights taking his … death?"

"We've not faced the loss of one of our own before now. The others are confused, conflicted. I believe we all understand that you only acted as you had to, but his loss ... it is felt. Perhaps most keenly by you?"

Anger rises in Kylo—he does not wish to speak of this, but he won't make the same mistake with Vitok that he did with Demyan.

"I regret that Demyan forced my hand as he did," Kylo says carefully. Vitok nods in understanding.

"Supreme Leader, I would like to offer to handle the arrangements. You don't need to attend," Vitok says, almost kindly.

"No—I will be there."

"Good. We arrive on Vren tomorrow. His people, they burn their dead. I thought perhaps a pyre, in the evening?"

"That is acceptable. See that it is done, Vitok Ren."

"As you say, Supreme Leader." Vitok takes her leave.

Kylo sits back and remembers the boy who had been Orin. They'd met on Orin's first day at the Academy, three months after _that woman_ had sent him away. Both boys were awkward and lost. Kylo had been very uncomfortable with the attention he'd received because he was Luke Skywalker's nephew and Leia Organa's son. Everyone wanted to meet him but none wanted to know him. None but Orin. Orin had come from a small planet in the Outer Rim. He'd travelled farther than any of the other apprentices and had known he would not likely see his home again for many, many years.

Orin had known very little of the Force, his power raw and uncontrolled. Kylo had helped him, showed him how to channel the strange gift that had altered the course of Orin's life. Kylo had always known of the Force. Leia Organa had begun simple training at the first signs of his Force sensitivity. Somehow, Orin was never intimidated or nervous around Kylo. Perhaps it had only been that Orin hadn't grown up with stories of the great Luke Skywalker and the heroic leader of the Rebellion, Leia Organa. Regardless, their friendship had been sealed and they had been inseparable.

Kylo ensures that no one can enter his office, and then removes his helmet. He puts his head in his hands and allows memory after memory to wash over him.

* * *

A/N: Thank you to the ever magnificent Juulna for all of her help with this chapter!

Readers, thank you for your time and attention! Let me know what you thought in the reviews!


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: I just wanted to let you know that I've begun posting my Reylo Anthology story, 'Still', based on 'Pygmalion and Galatea'. I will update that story on Wednesdays and Fridays, while 'Thwarted' will continue to update on Mondays and Thursdays. Thank you!**

* * *

Kylo approaches her quarters and is oddly nervous. Will the tentative peace of this morning hold? The stormtroopers part for him and he feels a bit silly knocking at her door. She opens it swiftly and they stand there, looking at each other for a long moment.

"Hi," Rey says awkwardly.

"Hello, Rey."

"Uhm, come in."

"Thank you." She steps back from the door and he enters. He removes his helmet quickly, placing it on the table he'd requested just for that purpose. She knows of the state of his hands, so he removes his gloves as well. She's standing next to him and gasps when she sees the mottled bruising along his fingers.

"Oh, Kylo …"

He turns to her and says, "It's nothing, do not concern yourself." He doesn't want to talk about how completely he had lost control.

Her eyes show her conflict, but she only nods.

"How … how did you spend your day?" he asks hesitantly. He's very aware of how near she is.

She almost looks guilty and he's instantly suspicious.

"Rey?"

"What?" she asks petulantly, looking at the floor.

"What have you done?"

"Nothing! Nothing." She looks up at him but doesn't quite meet his eyes.

"I do not believe you."

"Well I don't care! I didn't do anything. There's nothing _to_ do." Rey stalks to the settee and sits in a huff.

He follows her to the seating area while saying, "There are numerous books, holos, your training room-"

"You don't get it, do you?" she interrupts.

"Clearly not."

"I'm trapped! I've never, in all of my life, had an entire day with literally _nothing_ to do." She throws her hands up in frustration.

"But you don't _need_ to do anything; you can do whatever you like." After a life of drudgery he had thought she would enjoy the freedom.

"No, I can't! I can do what _you've_ prepared for me, and you certainly didn't ask me what _I_ want."

"Fine, what do you want? _Other_ than to go back to the Resistance." He sits beside her, but not too close―never too close. He won't risk losing her attention.

"I don't want to be trapped in these rooms! After _one_ day I'm already beginning to lose my mind." She crosses her arms in front of her chest and looks away. "And I'm worried about my friends," she admits quietly.

"As you know, I let them go." Kylo does not like to think about her … friends; the people she chose to be with when she _should_ have been with him.

She looks up sharply and says, "I don't even know who's alive! Leia, Poe … Finn."

Each name on her list fills him with greater fury. That woman, the arrogant 'best pilot in the Resistance' and, of course, Finn, the traitor. But he's determined not to lose his temper.

He controls himself as he offers, "I know that Leia Organa escaped with her life." Rey visibly relaxes. "I do not know the fate of the others. I … I will endeavor to discover that for you."

"How?" she asks as she narrows her eyes.

"We have an extensive spy network―how do you think I found you?" he says arrogantly. Her jaw clenches and he realizes he's already managed to say the wrong thing.

She takes a calming breath and says, "And it won't put them in danger, you looking into it?"

"No." Though he would like _very much_ to endanger the traitor, he wisely keeps that to himself. "I will do what I can to find out what happened to your … friends." He cannot hide his distaste.

"Oh. Okay. Good." She nods to herself.

"As to how you fill your time, why not study, train? The library is full of Jedi texts, I made sure of it."

Her eyes fill with pain and she shakes her head furiously.

"What is it about your training that upsets you so? Please tell me. I cannot address it if I do not know what is wrong."

"No! I won't tell you anything that could harm the Resistance!"

"I trained with Skywalker for years; I already know all of his methods. You won't be betraying anything." Kylo hopes this will help her open up to him.

"I …" Rey's eyes drop to her hands. They flail helplessly.

"Please, please tell me. I hate knowing that you're so upset; I must know why," he entreats.

"I haven't," she nearly whispers.

"Haven't what?"

"I haven't been training!" Rey bursts out.

"But, why not?" he asks in confusion.

"Luke refused! I begged and I _pleaded_ and he wouldn't show me _anything_. He would let me stay with him on Ahch-to, but nothing else. I would get so angry, eventually leave. Then I would go back every few months, try to get him to teach me something, anything, but all he would say was that he would never train anyone ever again. I assume that's _your_ fault." Rey looks at him accusingly.

Kylo ignores the dig and focuses on Skywalker's failure. It does not surprise him.

"All this time, you've been alone with your gifts?" Oh, my love … you must have been so adrift.

"No, not completely." Her eyes flit to the side.

"What do you mean?" He sincerely hopes Leia Organa hasn't managed to unearth yet another thought-dead Jedi Master.

"You won't lose your temper; you won't yell at me?" Rey suddenly seems quite small and he's filled with regret for how he'd reacted to her the night before.

He decides he will apologize properly for his behavior. "I am sorry for that. I shouldn't have behaved the way that I did."

"No, you shouldn't have." She looks at him coldly. He wonders just how much damage he really did last night.

"Please, tell me what you meant. I won't lose my temper, I … I promise." Who is this man she pulls from deep within him?

She looks at him for a very long time, her eyes searching his. "Leia did what she could," she finally says.

Anger, swift and pulsing swells in his chest, but he keeps himself in check. He's not been here 10 minutes and she's already mentioned the Princess _twice_.

"I see," he says very carefully.

"No, you don't. Not really. When Luke refused me she was _incensed_ on my behalf. She travelled to Ahch-To and tried to reason with him, but he wouldn't be moved. She said," Rey smiles as she remembers. "She said that if her idiot of a brother couldn't see what was right in front of him she'd just have to do it herself. So she showed me what she knew. I can levitate small things and heal minor wounds. But that's all." Her smile fades and she seems almost ashamed.

A memory comes for him then, sharp and searing, of … his mother healing a cut finger when he'd been very small. He had thought it was simply magical and he'd been in _awe_ of her. He pushes it away quickly, focusing on what Rey has just said. Rey is so strong with the Force, brimming with such _possibility_. That she has been left to founder with only _Leia Organa_ to show her the way ... it is unacceptable. He did not think he could hate Luke Skywalker more, but to find that he'd rejected Rey, hurt her … For so many reasons, he thinks it would be his pleasure to lock sabers with his failure of an uncle.

"Why didn't you _tell_ me?" he asks.

"Oh, because we're such great friends? You would have just wanted to train me in the dark side."

"No … I have no wish to change you, Rey." This is one of her many assumptions he has been hoping to address.

"You don't?" Her tone is bewildered.

"No, never," Kylo says firmly.

"But … you … you follow the dark side."

"I do, but … this Bond, it's unlocked so much within me, and I believe that it is because we are balanced. I have always been drawn to the light―always. But now, now I am drawn to _you_. Without your light, I don't know what I would do."

"You don't want to turn me to the dark side?" Rey's face is deeply puzzled.

"Have I ever said that I wanted that?" Oh Rey, there is so much you do not know.

"No, but … you told me that you would show me the ways of the Force."

"Precisely. The Force, not the dark side or the light side. How you access the Force makes no difference to me. I just … I just wanted you to _stay_. My … issues with Skywalker have never been about the light or the dark."

"Why did you do it; why did you betray your family?" she asks suddenly.

"It is they who betrayed me, Rey."

"I can't believe that, Leia would never do anything to her only child," Rey scoffs.

"And yet, she did." He's growing accustomed to that name falling so easily from his beloved's lips.

"No, I don't believe you." She's shaking her head.

"You did agree that you would listen to me, did you not?"

Rey glares at him. "Fine. Tell me your lies and I'll listen quietly."

"They aren't lies!" He takes a steadying breath then tries again. "I would like for you to understand how I came to be where I am. Please try to keep an open mind."

"... Okay."

"This will take quite some time. Perhaps we should order dinner, have some wine?"

"We must be civilized as you tell me your justification for murder and tyranny, mustn't we," she says sarcastically.

"Rey …"

Her face is mulish but she says, "Alright, I will 'try to keep an open mind'."

"What would you like for dinner?"

"I told you last night, I don't know enough to say."

"Is there anything at all that you've enjoyed since you left Jakku?" He just wants to give her _something_ that will make her happy.

"I was simply grateful that they never let me starve. Trust me, I'm not picky," Rey says ruefully.

He closes his eyes briefly in pain. Her difficult life has taken so much from her. To not even have a favorite meal?

"There was nothing, nothing at all that pleased you?" Surely she must have _some_ preference.

"It all _pleased_ me, Kylo. It was food that I received every day regardless of if I spent the day on my back in the hangar, or with Leia learning. I went to bed every single night with a full belly, which was good enough for me. That was _miraculous_."

"Alright Rey … alright." He goes to the console by her door and repeats his actions of the previous night, selecting a meal he hopes she will like. He's saddened that she will not give him even this much, a simple hint of her tastes.

Again he walks to the cabinet and pulls out a bottle of wine, this one light with a touch of effervescence. She watches from her seated position as the pale lavender liquid fills her glass. He brings both glasses back to the settee and retakes his seat next to her, handing her her drink.

"This is from Gandran. They pick the fruit after the first frost. It's what gives it … well, you'll see." He doesn't want to spoil the surprise.

She holds his eyes as she takes her first sip and her brows shoot up. She smiles a bright, open, truly genuine smile. "It tickles!" she exclaims.

"Yes, it does a bit." He's smiling now, too.

"It feels like it's bursting in my mouth!"

"I'm glad you like it. You do, don't you? You like it?" he asks hopefully.

"Yes, I do … thank you."

He's not quite sure how to begin and he's so enjoying this moment with her, but he doesn't know how long he will have her patience.

"I know that you believe that the First Order is cruel, our methods extreme," he says. She doesn't respond, just purses her lips.

"What I would like for you to understand is that that is not how it will always be. Yes, we act swiftly, decisively. We do not allow for dissent."

"Or freedom," Rey says pointedly.

"Freedom is relative. Your life, you've described it as free, and yet from my point of view you were little better than a slave."

"No one _owned_ me." Fire flashes in her eyes.

"Are you so sure? You never worked for wages, only food. Is that so different than being a slave? You had no ability to change professions, no opportunity to use that brilliant mind of yours."

"I could have joined on with a ship at any time."

"But what of those that do not have your talents? Or when you were a child? What made _Unkar Plutt_ worthy of his place in power over all of you?" He turns his head slightly, watching for her reaction.

She blinks a bit then says, "But, if the First Order took over Jakku someone else would have just taken his place."

"No … no, that simply isn't true. Have you ever visited a First Order world?"

"No …"

"Once the fighting is done we move in and take over the industry, the economy, _everything_. We ensure that all are fed, clothed, and housed. Yes, those with much suffer greatly, but those with ability flourish and none are left to starve. If you had grown up on a First Order world you would have gone to school and you would have never known what it is to be hungry."

"After you kill anyone who disagrees with you," she says snidely.

"Yes. That is true. But to me it is a price worth paying." Surely she must see how her life would have been better?

"You're telling me that all the blood you've spilled is because you are so worried about _children_?" Her face is filled with disbelief. Rey leans forward and places her now empty glass on the low table in front of them. She trails her hand along the dozens of graceful orchids scattered along the surface. He can't help but imagine what those fingers would feel like running along his body, caressing him as they've caressed the delicate petals.

"It is part of it," Kylo says quietly, trying to keep his focus on what he is telling her and not on how much he wishes she would touch him.

"What's the rest?"

"Perhaps you know what happened when I was younger, when I was still Jedi?" His lip curls at the hated word.

"Yes. Leia told me," she answers cautiously.

"And what did _she_ tell you?" He finds he's curious to know what it is _that woman_ thinks of what she did to him.

"That she'd never revealed to you that she and Luke are Anakin Skywalker's children." He dislikes her use of his grandfather's birth name but he says nothing.

"What else?" Kylo prods.

"She said that when you found out, you felt betrayed and joined Snoke. She thinks you were trying to punish her."

Oh, that makes him angry. Punish her? What a petty, juvenile reason. "No. I was angry, yes. I did feel betrayed, not because she didn't tell me, but because of how she kept my grandfather from me."

"See, right there, how can you be proud to be _Darth Vader's_ grandson?" Her eyes fill with scorn.

"And what do you know of him?" Kylo challenges.

"He was a murderous, cruel monster. Perhaps I'm beginning to see why you admire him."

"No! That is what the histories say, and as we know, history is written by the winners." Kylo looks into her eyes steadily.

"Fine, tell me about how Darth Vader was just horribly misunderstood," Rey says sarcastically as she sits back into the cushions.

"He was. He is." He pauses then, not sure how to frame his relationship with his grandfather. "Did you know he was a slave?"

"What? No … no I didn't know that." She looks away.

"Do you know how prevalent slavery is in this galaxy? How it was and is tolerated, even encouraged by both the Old and New Republic?" He tries to catch her eyes but she keeps them focused elsewhere.

"They're trying to fix that, Leia told me-"

"Oh yes, I'm sure she had many, many pretty explanations for why one sentient may own another and how it takes time. How you can't push people to change overnight. Or my personal favorite: that the economy cannot handle change on that scale. Since I became Supreme Leader, every new world that has come under our control is completely free of slavery, and we are working to end it throughout all First Order territory."

"Since you became Supreme Leader?" she asks curiously.

"Snoke … had other priorities."

"What do you mean?"

"He believed that it was more important to have as many worlds under our control as possible, to concentrate our resources on military expansion. I believe we can do both."

"You're telling me that you are doing all of this to _free_ people?" She raises her eyebrows.

"Yes."

"But that's what your mother wants, too!" Rey exclaims with such hope in her eyes.

"No, she doesn't! She had her chance. She and that man she calls brother. What did they do with that chance? _Nothing_. I saw, I _see_ what the galaxy _really_ is." He remembers how the scales had fallen from his eyes and he had perceived how useless _democracy_ truly is.

"What do you mean?"

He doesn't want to talk about his time with the Jedi, but perhaps it is necessary. "When I was younger, when I still called Skywalker _'Master,'_ I believed her lies, too. That the New Republic would change everything, that the rebirth of the Jedi heralded a _grand new age of peace and prosperity_. And it seemed like it had. From the bright, clean halls of the Senate, the quiet bounty of the New Jedi Academy. But then I began to travel with Skywalker and I saw. I _saw_ the suffering. World after world with bloated aristocrats and seas of terrified, desperate people, enslaved in truth or by circumstance."

"But the New Republic is changing that!" Rey leans forward eagerly.

"Not fast enough. Not when I have the power to force people to submit," he says firmly.

"Submit." She pulls back from him.

"Yes! I don't care what they want; I will fulfill my grandfather's vision! I will finish what he started!" Kylo is emphatic.

"You speak as if you … know him. He died before you were even born," she says in confusion.

"I _do_ know him." Kylo smiles slightly. He enjoys speaking of his grandfather.

"How?" She furrows her brow.

"After Leia Organa's duplicity was revealed to the galaxy, he began to speak to me."

"Darth Vader ... talks to you?" Rey's eyes seem almost worried.

"Yes. He told me so many things; what his life had been, how the Jedi had done nothing, nothing at all to free his mother from slavery! They took him from her and just left her behind! Did you know that Luke Skywalker _murdered_ his own father?"

"Family trait?" she retorts cruelly. Rey's eyes widen and her fingers fly to her lips.

Her words slice through him and for a moment he can't breathe. Kylo blinks rapidly, trying to get his bearings as her quarters swim around him. He stands quickly, walking to the other side of the room, putting his back to her. His vision is bathed in red and he's on that horrible bridge that haunts him; he feels his father's hand on his face. "Ben!" echoes in his head. He looks up at the ceiling and tries to collect himself, but he's trapped in the past. His throat is so tight and his heartbeat is wild and erratic.

Just then they are alerted that the droid with their meal has arrived. He knows he should answer, gather their dinner, but he can't move―his father's face is all he can see; his voice, his _words_ , ringing in his ears. Kylo still can't quite seem to catch his breath and his chest _hurts_. He hears her go to the door.

"Thank you," she quietly says to the droid. He senses her move to the dining table and hears the rustle of linens, the clink of cutlery. He should join her, continue as if nothing has happened, but he's lost to memory.

"Kylo," she calls softly. He _must_ pull himself from this place, but he's frozen. His breathing is quick and shallow.

"Kylo," she calls again. Kylo feels as if his boots are fused with the floor.

He closes his eyes and tries to will himself to _move_ , to turn around, to do _anything,_ when he's startled to feel her hand against his arm. Kylo shudders at the sensation of her small fingers pressing into him, and he's appalled to find himself desperate for her to just _hold_ him. His eyes sting with the need for her comfort. When he opens his eyes he finds her looking up at him with wide, sad eyes.

"Come, eat with me. Tell me more about your grandfather." She trails her hand down his arm and twines her fingers with his. Rey's touch is light—obviously mindful of the bruising—as she pulls him gently to the table. Her soft touch is bringing him back from that terrible moment that he never, _ever_ thinks about. The past is finally fading and all there is is the feeling of their hands clasped together. His focus shifts to the way the energy flows between their fingers and he's letting her lead him to the table.

Suddenly he remembers his promise and he snatches his hand back in terror, backing away quickly.

Rey looks at him, startled, as he gasps, "I'm sorry! I'm not supposed to touch you!" His emotions are out of control and he's feeling very raw. She'd said she'd never speak to him again ...

"No, Kylo, it's alright. _I_ touched _you_. You didn't break your promise." It takes a moment for him to hear her words, his mind is in such a confused and ragged state.

"Right, right. Of course." Kylo blinks furiously. He's still so _unbalanced_.

She approaches him slowly, soon standing in front of him. Close, so very close. She looks up into his face, and her eyes are pulling him in, _something_ burning in their beautiful depths. Rey lifts her hand and cups his cheek; Kylo whimpers a small, wounded sound as he leans his face into her touch. Her fingers are so _warm_ and it's as if she's bathing his tattered heart in her light. His eyes close and everything he feels for her wells up within him. It's all he can do not to crush her to his chest, feed this aching hunger, curl up inside her and beg her to soothe away all of his anguish. Oh, Rey ...

She slowly pulls her hand from his face and he can't help it, he leans forward, chasing the healing he'd found in her brief mercy. But all too soon it is over and he opens his eyes to find that she's moved to stand behind her chair.

"Let's sit, see what it is that you've ordered?" she asks him coaxingly as she settles into her chair.

He nods and takes his place adjacent to hers. This time she prepares their plates and he's beginning to breathe properly again.

She cuts into her meat and takes a bite. Rey smiles and quickly takes another, eating with obvious enjoyment. He realizes he's just watching her eat so he begins his meal, but he doesn't really taste it.

They eat quietly; he can't think of what to say, how to speak through everything that's swirling within him.

Eventually, she wipes her mouth with her napkin and softly says, "That was delicious. I … liked last night's dinner, too. Uhm. Thank you." She seems almost contrite.

He clears his throat and finally finds his voice again. "I'm glad. You know that I only want to make you happy, don't you Rey?"

She sighs and her expression is wistful. "Yes, I do know that."

"Will you help me, help me find ways for you to be happy here?" _With me._

"How? We're at an impasse. I'm your pris― I'm trapped here. I'm not meant to be idle; I need to be productive, to _work_."

"I could … I could train you in the Force?" Kylo asks, wanting so much for her to say yes.

She sits back, very warily. "No, Kylo … no."

He wants to press her to train with him, promise her he won't even touch on the dark side, but he's still feeling fragile and he's not sure he can handle fighting with her. Instead, he offers, "You could begin to train on your own? There are vast resources in the ship's library and I have a small collection of Jedi holocrons."

She looks down at her empty plate, blinking slowly. Her eyes lift to his and she nods slightly. "I … I could do that."

"Thank you, Rey," he murmurs. She glances at him, her eyes moving over his face. She nods again, her lips turning up in a faint smile, but her eyes are far away. If only she would open the Bond, let him _know_ the eddies of her thoughts, the waves of her emotions. But she keeps him out as she always does.

Rey has one hand resting on the table and he wants so very much to tangle his fingers with hers, pull her into his arms, bury his face in her neck. The way she had held his face so tenderly ... he'd never experienced anything so intimate, so _real_. He's craved, desired, wanted her from the very first moment, but that was so much deeper than lust and he knows he'll do whatever he has to to feel it again. To feel _her_ again.

She blinks and inhales sharply. "We never finished … talking. I said I would listen to whatever you had to say about your reasons for joining the First Order."

He'd been very eager for this chance to explain himself, but things are so peaceful with her in this moment, he finds no fire in him for his cause. "Another night, Rey. It can wait."

Pain―bright, searing _pain_ ―streaks across her face and he's instantly alarmed. "Rey, what is it?"

"I don't want to fight; it doesn't matter," she says resignedly.

"No, please don't do that. Please don't shut me out. I won't argue with you, I won't lose my temper. I'll just listen. I promise I'll just listen."

She looks at him for a long time while he keeps his face open and wills her to soften, to let him _in_.

Rey looks up and takes a long breath before saying, "I … It was just when you said it could wait, like there's all the time in the galaxy ... It made me realize that you're never going to let me go."

He tries not to be hurt by this, hurt that she wants to be away from him. He'd barely scratched the surface of his plans for the galaxy―she will understand soon and then she will wish to stay. "I hope that, in time, you will not _want_ me to let you go."

"But … it really doesn't bother you that you have me here against my will?"

"Of course it bothers me!" he bursts out before he regains himself. "I mean, yes, yes it bothers me. I never wanted it like this, never. I wanted you to come to me, I wanted you to … I wanted you to _choose_ me," he admits, months of hurt flowing from him.

"Choice was never part of this Bond."

"That's not true. You've proven that time and again. You've chosen to fight it; I've chosen to embrace it. We could be so happy if you would only _try_ , Rey." He's never been so certain of anything in his entire life. If she would just let him in, he _knows_ they will fulfill each other like no one and nothing else possibly could.

"Please let me go," she whispers brokenly. Her eyes are huge and pleading.

"Oh, Rey … you know I can't do that." Seeing her so very sad, it tears at him.

"Please …" This time her voice is so quiet he can barely hear her. He wants so much to comfort her.

"No, Rey … no." His voice is low, soothing. Soon, she will be happy; he'll make sure of it―he'll _find_ a way.

Her shoulders are hunched in and her head is bowed. "I think … I think I'd like you to go now."

"But …" He'd _listened_ , he hadn't lost his temper ...

"I need to be alone." She doesn't look at him, speaking instead to the table.

"I …" He doesn't want to leave her feeling like this.

"Please, let me have this. At _least_ let me have this."

Kylo remembers how he'd behaved the night before and he knows he must respect her wishes, however difficult it might be for him. "Alright … I'll go."

He's halfway to the door when he remembers Demyan's funeral. He won't be able to come for dinner tomorrow. He had intended to ask her to have breakfast with him instead. He turns back to her to find that she's almost curled in on herself and her shoulders are shaking slightly. He realizes that she's crying. He doesn't know what to do, but the need to do something, _anything_ to ease her distress is intense, almost primal. But she has asked for his absence and he will give it to her.

Kylo decides he will ask her about breakfast in the morning. He silently replaces his helmet and gloves and lets himself out of her quarters.

His beloved is crying. Because of him.

* * *

Thank you for my splendid and patient beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. She beta'd FOUR chapters for me for this week. Let's hear it for Meaghan!

Thank you fine and lovely readers! I brighten at every read, follow, favorite, and review, I so appreciate that you give my writing your time.

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	15. Chapter 15

Kylo wakes, worried about Rey; she had been so lost and sad last night. He pulls himself from his bed and readies himself quickly. He needs to see her. Now.

* * *

He walks purposefully to her quarters. It is a short trip as her quarters are just down the hallway from his own. The stormtroopers immediately move aside and he knocks firmly on her door. Nothing. He waits a few moments and knocks again. Still there is nothing. He is very aware that a dozen stormtroopers are watching as he knocks once more, much more loudly and insistent this time.

Finally the door opens and Rey stands in the doorway wearing nothing but a graceful cream silk nightgown that goes nearly to the floor. The modest neckline is elaborately embroidered with swirls of pale pink flowers. It is by far the finest thing he's ever seen her wear, and he knows there had been many other, simpler choices for sleepwear that she could have selected. He'd left most of her wardrobe to the seamstresses he'd contracted, but he'd decided on her more delicate items personally. He had spent weeks … imagining, as he had made his choices.

Her hair is down and tousled from sleep. Stars, she's delectable and he wants so much to run his fingers through her long waves, finally free the way that they should be.

"I was sleeping," she says shortly.

"I apologize for waking you."

"As I'm here to fulfill your every whim I suppose it shouldn't surprise me."

He's not sure what she means by that. He's still standing in the doorway and he doesn't particularly want the stormtroopers to overhear his beloved berate him.

"May I come in?"

"It's not like I can stop you," she says as she turns from the door and walks deeper into her quarters. She sits in one of the soft chairs and looks at him expectantly. Kylo stands for a moment, unsure of what to do. She hadn't precisely invited him in, but he would like to shut the stormtroopers out as soon as possible so he enters her rooms and closes the door. He removes his helmet and gloves as is his custom.

After placing them on his table by the entryway he goes to where she sits. He doesn't want to tower over her and the other chair is too far from Rey so he crouches in front of her. It would be so natural to take her hands in his, but he stops himself of course.

Kylo looks up into her wide hazel eyes and sees that they are rimmed red, and he's stabbed through with the realization that she'd likely cried herself to sleep.

"Rey … are you feeling better this morning?"

"Like how I feel matters to you," she scoffs.

"How can you think such a thing?" He'd barely slept, consumed by worry for her.

"Well, let's see. You ignore everything I've ever said to you, you've caged me, and then you show up Maker only knows how early, waking me up after I've only managed to sleep for an hour or two."

"You couldn't sleep?" he asks in concern.

Rey rolls her eyes. "No, I couldn't sleep. I was too busy coming to terms with the fact that I will likely lose my mind here and you won't care because then you'd get what you want."

"What do you mean, what I want?" Kylo has no real idea what she's talking about.

"Me, a mindless body you can touch and take to your heart's content."

"Rey, how could you think for one moment I would ever want that?" He's utterly horrified by the idea of his Rey gone from him in such a way.

"It's not like you care about what I want." Her eyes are sharp and her tone vicious.

"That's not true―please, that's not true. That's _all_ I care about!" It's all he's thought about, how to give her everything she could ever want.

"You really are delusional," she mutters as she shakes her head and looks away from him.

Kylo is still very unsure so he tries to change the subject. "Last night you said ... you said you'd try training on your own, see if that was enjoyable to you."

"Yes, well, I was feeling guilty." She looks at her lap.

"Why?" he asks, truly perplexed.

"Seriously? You don't remember how what I said made you nearly break down over ki- over what happened on _Starkliller_?" She's looking at him again.

His eyes shut involuntarily but he manages to keep from being pulled under. He opens them again and says, "That's not what happened."

"Oh Kylo, are you totally incapable of being honest about anything? It's like reality goes into your head and comes out the other side completely unrecognizable to the rest of the galaxy."

"I have never lied to you," he says, offended by her suggestion that he has not always been honest with her. He's certain that he's only ever told her the truth.

"No, you lie to _yourself_. You are frighteningly good at it," she says pointedly.

Kylo stands and moves to the other chair, taking a seat. He suddenly needs a bit of distance.

Rey sighs and runs her hand through her hair. Kylo imagines what it must feel like and he's grateful that he's already removed himself from straying distance.

"Why are you here so early?" Rey asks.

"Two reasons, really. I was worried about you after last night. I needed to see that you were alright. Are you?"

"Relatively speaking, yes. I'm exhausted, though I suppose it doesn't matter if I spend the whole day sleeping," she says flippantly.

"I'm glad that you're feeling better, even if only _relatively_."

She sighs and asks, "What's the second reason?"

"I cannot have dinner with you this evening. I must … I must attend Demyan Ren's funeral." Her face shifts from impatience to compassion.

"Was that his name? The man who …"

"Yes, that was his name." He almost tells her about how he had once been a boy named Orin, but he keeps silent on the subject.

"Oh." Rey absentmindedly strokes at the lustrous fabric of her nightgown. He's transfixed by her nimble fingers gliding across her thigh, remembering how they had felt against his cheek. Her touch is beyond _anything_ he had imagined; he doesn't possess the words for what she does to him.

She says nothing else and he simply looks at her. He can't help but notice how lovely she looks in the soft nightgown, how the sumptuous fabric flows along her perfect body, how it clings without being tawdry. He realizes that she'd chosen something elegant and fine when she thought he would not be seeing her. Kylo wonders if that means anything.

"You look beautiful with your hair down, Rey."

She looks startled then looks away. "I'm not beautiful. It's just the pretty nightgown," she nearly mumbles.

"No, Rey, how can you think that?"

"I have _eyes_."

"Then they aren't seeing clearly. You are very beautiful." Does she not understand how entrancing she is?

"I thought you said you'd never lie to me," she says as her eyes narrow in suspicion.

"I did, and I'm not. While I take great offense at the idea you stated earlier, you seemed to think that I want you―and you're right, I do. How can you think that I want you without me also thinking that you are beautiful?"

"I remember how the men of Niima were. They didn't care what you looked like so long as they could get their cocks wet."

"Rey!" He's shocked at her coarse language.

"What? It's true."

He had been _certain_ after reviewing the holos from Jakku that there had been no men―Yoryn Glant only an associate―but she speaks so casually of physical intimacy … He begins to seethe with jealous fury. He wants to pull his comm from his robes and order the _Finalizer_ to Jakku immediately. He will kill every single man who has _dared_ to touch her.

"And did the _men of Niima_ use _you_ in this way?" he growls dangerously as he stalks to where she's sitting.

"What? N- I mean, that's none of your business!" She draws back into the cushions.

"Oh yes, it is. Tell me!" he demands. He puts both of his hands on the armrests of her chair, holding his face inches from hers, careful not to touch. But she _will_ tell him this.

"That's private; it's not yours. _I'm_ not yours!"

"We both know that is a _lie_. You _are_ mine, you have _always_ been mine. You've been mine since the day you first drew breath."

She's staring back into his incensed eyes, matching his intensity.

"I do not belong to you, Kylo Ren," she bites out.

They're both breathing heavily and the Bond is snapping wildly, her anger causing her to lose control, allowing her emotions to bleed through. He lifts his hand and holds it nearly against her cheek. He's not touching her, but energy is flowing between his palm and her face. He swears he can almost see it.

"Do you feel that?" His velvet voice caresses her. "Do you feel how it spikes and sparks, licks and pulses between us?" Her eyes widen and her lips part; the pink flesh glistens and taunts him. He moves his hand down along her form, never erring, never crossing the line into touch, and all the while the Bond crackles in the space between his hand and her body.

"Do you feel it?" His eyes bore into hers and his teeth are bared.

Now the Bond is coursing with their shared energy and heady want. He feels her heart beat as his hand hovers over her chest. He hears a slight moan escape her throat and his eyes _burn_.

" _Do you feel it_!" he hisses. Her chest is rising and falling rapidly and she's growing flushed.

"Yes―yes, I feel it," she gasps out.

"Tell me again that you are not mine," Kylo challenges. "Tell me again that we are not each other's. Tell me that _this_ means nothing. Keep denying it, keep denying _me_. But we both know that you would be a liar." He looks at her triumphantly. Hey eyes are huge and he can _feel_ how much she wants him. He is hard and _very_ ready. It would be so easy to slide her silken gown up her thighs, release his throbbing erection, and press into her. He can _smell_ her arousal; he knows he would be welcome. But he has promised, and he will prove to her that he is a man of his word.

Their faces are so close and the Bond is almost keening with need. She may have brought him to his knees, unmanned him in every way possible, but he won't let her have his honor. It takes every single scrap of control that Kylo Ren has ever possessed to step back from her, but he does. As he pulls away, her face follows his and then she slumps back into the chair, like a puppet whose strings have been cut. They're both panting. Kylo moves to the other side of the room, his back to Rey. He breathes in deeply, calming himself, bringing his body back under control. Once he feels like he's thinking somewhat clearly he turns to her.

"Now. Tell me who I need to kill," he says conversationally.

"What?" Rey blinks rapidly.

"Tell me who has had you."

"Listen to yourself! You're right, there is … something between us now. But not when I was on Jakku."

"Tell me, Rey!" He's losing his patience.

"No one! No one has _had me_ , you crude bastard."

"But the way you spoke of the _men of Niima_ , you made it sound as if you _knew_ what they were like." His eyes narrow. Anyone who has touched her cannot be allowed to live.

"Just because they never _succeeded_ doesn't mean they never tried."

"Did any of them _hurt_ you?" He's drawing closer again. Kylo may not have been able to protect her before, but at least he can provide her with vengeance.

"Kylo, stop. Please stop. You are being utterly irrational. And frankly, I'm just too tired. You aren't going to go on some rampage on Jakku because a few men got drunk and propositioned me a couple of times."

"That's all that it was? No one attempted to hurt you in any way?" He finds that difficult to believe; he knows how desperate her life had been.

"No, no one hurt me. I had a staff―I defended _myself_."

"Hmm." He is not convinced.

"Please, Kylo, I've barely slept. Can we not … can we not do this right now?"

"I had hoped we would have breakfast together as I will be off the ship this evening."

"Off the ship?"

"Yes, we reach Vren in the next few hours."

"I've never heard of it―what's on Vren?"

He doesn't want to tell her of Qree, of his hopes of finding her family. "It is a small planet of very little consequence," he evades.

"Then why does the First Order care about it?"

"I will perhaps discuss it at a later time."

"Fine." She stifles a yawn and blinks a bit.

"Will you have breakfast with me, Rey?"

"I … I'm sorry Kylo, I'm too tired. And besides, I only promised dinner."

"Please?"

"Kylo, stop. Think. I've told you that you woke me up and that I've really not slept at all. I need to go back to bed and you need to go do whatever it is that Supreme Leaders do. We'll have dinner tomorrow. As I've recently realized, you will have many more meals with me."

He thinks it over and decides that he should let her sleep. It _was_ rather selfish of him to push her like he had.

"Alright, Rey. I … I'll see you tomorrow then." He hates that he won't see her again today. He'll … he'll miss her.

* * *

The Knights of Ren are gathered on the shore of one of the many beaches of Vren. The sky is indigo, the sun having just set.

Demyan is laid out on a simple pyre, a platform of rough logs beneath him. Dried moss is peeking out between the slabs of wood and Kylo finds himself wondering from where it had all been gathered. Kylo is seized by the image of dozens of stormtroopers methodically combing the surrounding forests for the lumber and he almost wants to laugh. He's not sure why he's having such strange thoughts.

He looks at Demyan in his full Knight's regalia and it's wrong. It's so wrong. This is _Orin_ ―bright, open, generous Orin. He shouldn't be shrouded in black and chrome, but rough linen and green things. He misses Rey intensely, certain she would understand how he's feeling.

Vitok Ren moves forward, about to light the pyre with a torch, the flame guttering in the breeze.

"Stop," Kylo calls out. He hadn't meant to speak, but he _knows_ that this is not right.

Vitok pauses and looks at him, her mask hiding what she might be thinking.

Kylo strides to the pyre and pulls Orin's mask from his face. He looks down on Orin's tawny skin and wishes he could see his bright blue eyes. Orin's dark curls cling to his face where the mask had crushed them. Kylo needs to see Orin with his own eyes and he's ripping his helmet from his head, throwing it into the sand. He feels the air touch his skin and he can't remember the last time he had felt the wind on his face.

He looks around, taking in the Knights of Ren. They're looking at each other but they say nothing.

Kylo finds his voice. "We have been together for a long time. Orin deserves our faces."

One by one they all reach up and remove their masks. Kylo has not seen Natan or Wylan without their helmets in years. Wylan's lips are still curled in that expression of contempt that has never left him and Natan has become even more remote.

Wylan's glossy straight black hair has grown far longer, his narrow eyes still full of bitterness. But tonight, tonight there is respect. Respect for Orin.

Natan's deep brown eyes betray nothing and his sable hair is cropped short. It makes his slender dark face harsher, somehow.

Jashad and Palek, so different in build but twins in all else, both look simply sad. Their pale faces hold no edifice, no conflict. Just grief. For Orin, and oddly, Kylo senses, for himself. They bow their blond heads and wait.

Vitok's short fine hair—once dark brown, now shot through with gray—ruffles in the breeze. Her eyes are sad and she waits, watching Kylo carefully.

Kylo looks at Orin's so familiar face and he can _feel_ the moment he plunged his saber into his friend's back. Vitok's torch is flickering, but all Kylo can see is his spitting saber thrusting through Orin … through his father. It's happening again―he's kaleidoscoping through memory. Demyan, Han Solo, Orin, Father, dead, stabbed through, dangling on the end of his blade. Over and over he feels the awful sensation of their flesh giving way to the power of his saber, how he'd lifted them both from their feet with his betrayal.

He's calling out through the Bond. "Rey, Rey, help me, help me!" He feels her answer, flooding him with her beautiful light.

"I'm here, I'm here." He gasps and feels as she pulls him back from the brink, keeping him from completely falling apart in front of his knights. _Rey_ swirls within him, calming and centering him.

Kylo barely perceives what's happening around him as Vitok lights the pyre, the only thing keeping him from descending into that nightmare place is Rey. She stays with him the entire time. He doesn't hear the words that are spoken, the memories of Orin recounted. Somehow he manages to nod and acknowledge at the right times. Vitok's kind brown eyes watch him closely and he's certain she's aware that he's about to disintegrate utterly.

Somehow he makes it through the evening and is back on the _Finalizer_. He's not even thinking, he's just moving―moving as quickly as he can to _Rey_.

The stormtroopers part and her door is opening and he's stumbling through. He only just manages to stop himself from pulling her into his arms when he feels her lift his mask from his face and her arms come around him. She's so soft and so strong. They stand just inside the closed door of her quarters, wrapped around each other for an age, and then she's pulling him into her rooms. She's pushing him down to the settee and again she is holding him. He buries his face in her hair and he finally comes undone.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he weeps into her shoulder.

"I know, I know," she soothes, one hand pressing against his back while the other cradles his head, holding him close. He is protected in the shelter of her arms. He shudders into the solace of his luminous Rey.

"I killed them, Rey―I _killed_ them." His voice is thick with tears. His father's face takes over his vision, the way his mouth had opened in shock and his eyes had filled with forgiveness. The strong, calloused hand trailing against his cheek, full of childhood memories. Lifted on shoulders, surreptitious treats hidden from Mother, the one trip to Maz's castle before it all became confused. He's killed his own father. Father, father, father, beats into his brain―Orin, Demyan, friend, blasts into his heart. He's killed them, he's killed them.

"Yes. You did," Rey acknowledges.

"I didn't want to―I swear I didn't want to." Demanded by Grandfather, required to save her.

"Okay." He feels her stiffen against him and he pulls back to see her face. It's hard, in contrast to the way she's running her hand through his hair.

"Rey?" he asks.

"No, it doesn't matter, not right now." Her face softens and she's pulling his head back to her shoulder, and he loses himself in the healing power of Rey holding him, finally holding him.

She keeps him pressed tightly to her as he cries out his guilt and loss. Dimly he realizes she's changed into a different nightgown, this one a soft cotton. He catches the fabric in his fingers as he drowns in her light. Rey croons comforting nonsense as his body is wracked with sobs.

Slowly, gently, she is bringing him back; he's becoming aware again. Aware that he has cracked wide open, spilling himself at her feet. But she has caught him and is gathering together all of his shattered pieces. She has left the Bond open and he is finally able to discern some of her feelings through his own distraught state. There is blinding compassion, desperate and deep confusion, something he hopes is affection, but there is also … anger. He pulls back slightly to look into her face.

He looks up at her with wide, anguished eyes, and she moves her hand from his hair to hold his face. He thinks that it might be her touching him this way that he likes the most. He nuzzles into her hand and he whimpers. The tears have stopped and she's wiping them from his cheeks.

"Oh, Kylo …" she breathes out. He feels as she closes the Bond.

"Please, please don't." Feeling her, sensing her ... its loss is cold and it _hurts_.

"It's time. I'm sorry."

"I …"

"Shhhh. You must know this doesn't change anything. I will still hold you to your promise," she says as she continues to stroke his face. His fingers clutch at her convulsively in fear. She's going to make him let her go? After this? After feeling her arms around him, knowing the absolute bliss of her comfort, the thought of losing this is physically painful.

"Please, Rey. I need you―don't shut me out again."

"I know you need me, that's why I'm here. I couldn't let you hurt like that without doing what I could for you. But no, Kylo … this changes nothing." She starts to pull away and he can't help it, he pulls her back firmly into his arms.

"No, Kylo."

"Just a little longer―please, just a little longer."

She looks away then nods slightly. "Alright, just a little longer."

He nestles back into her arms and tries to soak up every last bit of this incomparable feeling. He doesn't know how long he must make it last.

* * *

My incomparable beta, Meaghan M/Juulna, has a new story! It's called 'Delicious Ambiguity' and it's posted here on FF. She was awesome enough to let me read it in its entirety and it's a truly marvelous tale with a _fantastic_ premise: what if Rey got pregnant with Force babies? Thank you bestie beta, couldn't do this without you, wouldn't want to.

Thank you wonderful readers! Posting two stories at once has been so much fun; I love how so many of you are following both. I truly appreciate the time you give to my stories.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: It turns out that editing for posting is taking longer than I thought it would on my other story, 'Still'. For the next six weeks I will only be able to update 'Thwarted' on Mondays with 'Still' updating on Wednesdays and Fridays. I'm very sorry and I hope you'll forgive me.**

* * *

The Knights of Ren are assembled in his hall, seated around the large table.

"Your target is Sylten Qree. Vitok and … Demyan tracked him to Vren. Their lead is quite specific. He is likely in Janta, the largest city on the planet. His _associates_ believe the he is here planning to infiltrate one of the more prominent families in an attempt to gain their trust and ultimately abscond with as many credits as he's able. His target is the youngest daughter. That is apparently his way: he seduces women then leaves them once he has achieved his aim." Kylo wonders if perhaps he truly is Rey's father, her mother some poor girl caught in his trap.

This time he's sending all of his knights. He wants this done quickly.

Kylo continues, "All salient details have been loaded on your datapads."

Vitok Ren clears her throat and asks, "Supreme Leader, may I ask a question?"

"Certainly, Vitok." Kylo is attempting to be more open with his knights. He won't have a repeat of the events on Ilaria.

"It would be helpful to know why we are seeking him. Does he possess tactical knowledge? Is he a threat to the First Order?"

Kylo thinks. They already know of Rey, of who she is to him and who he hopes she will become.

"I would prefer this to be kept within the Knights of Ren," he begins. He sweeps his gaze across the room and finds all of the knights nodding. "I am attempting to find the girl's … Rey's parents. She does not know where she comes from and I would like to provide that for her."

None of them speak and he senses … surprise from most of them. He thinks he hears Wylan snort but he's not certain.

"That is … admirable, Supreme Leader," Vitok says. She almost sounds … proud of him.

"Move with haste. Bring me Sylten Qree," Kylo orders.

The hall is filled with murmurs of assent and he dismisses them.

* * *

Kylo is in his office, reviewing reports of the latest Resistance activity. He has already put through the order that the fates of Poe Dameron and the traitor known as 'Finn' be a top priority to their spy network, but there's no word yet. He hopes that something will come through soon, as he has failed so badly at pleasing Rey; he wants something to give her that he's certain will make her happy.

He wonders if he should tell her of his attempts to find her parents. He had been planning on protecting her from the likes of Sylten Qree, but she keeps telling him that he's not asking her what she wants. Perhaps she would wish to know, regardless? He wants to keep her safe from pain, but she doesn't seem to like when he chooses for her. He decides that he will tell her at dinner.

Kylo sits back and sighs, remembering the feeling of her arms around him. He's ashamed for having fallen apart so completely last night, but today he feels so much calmer. Better than he has for … years. Having her hold him, it almost felt like forgiveness, and the press of guilt he _always_ ignores has lessened. He knows he had no choice in either death—Han Solo because both Snoke and his grandfather had ordered it, and Demyan because Rey was threatened. He breathes in deeply, knowing that he acted correctly.

It's nearly time to go to her. He closes his eyes and loses himself in the memory of how it had felt to finally have her in his arms, to be in hers. After he had quieted and she'd given him just a little more time, he had been able to focus on how it had felt to be completely enveloped in Rey. It was as if everything had come into focus; he had felt _complete_. He had closed his eyes and let her gentleness flow through him, soothe him, _heal_ him. The war within him had found peace for those few precious moments she had allowed him.

For months he has dreamt of their bodies moving together in passion and heat, but last night had opened him up in a way he cannot precisely define. The warmth of her, the compassion in her hands as she'd stroked his face … She's found a new way to tempt him. He's certain it will be that much harder not to touch her now, now that he knows how _right_ her body feels like next to his.

* * *

Rey opens her door; he's startled but pleased to find that her hair is down. She's wearing a pale gray dress with a light pattern of leaves scattered across the fabric. She looks exquisite and he's not quite sure what to think. What does it mean that she has selected such a delicate dress, chose not to bind her hair? She's so lovely with her hair spilling over her shoulders. Kylo wants to tell her that she's breathtaking but she had not reacted well to his earlier attempt to tell her what he sees when he gazes on her. Force, she's beautiful. This is going to be a difficult night, full of longing.

"Good evening, Rey," Kylo says as he walks through her door, already pulling his helmet from his face. His gloves follow.

"Hello," she responds.

He remembers how he had finally untangled himself from her last night, aching to be leaving her. She had walked him to her door and had gifted him with one final ghosting of her fingertips along his cheek. Will she touch him again tonight?

Rey leads him to the settee, gestures for him to sit, and then joins him. He notices that there are already two glasses filled with golden liquid. She had … prepared for his arrival?

"I didn't know what to pick, but I liked the bottle so … well, I hope it's okay." Rey seems … nervous.

He reaches for his glass and brings it to his lips, sipping the wine. It is dry, one he had selected to provide her with a wide variety. He has always liked it but he's not sure if she will.

"It's perfect," he pronounces.

She takes a hesitant sip and frowns slightly.

"What is it?" he asks.

"It's different; it reminds me of the sand fields. Maybe it's just the color."

"Would you like to try something else?"

"No … I think it will grow on me," she says as she takes another sip. She lifts her eyes to his and he finds them full of worry.

"I … are you … alright, after last night?" she asks.

Kylo looks away. He had needed her so intensely, and the way she had gathered him up … He knows she won't mock him for his weakness, but he doesn't really want to talk about how he'd shattered.

"I'm fine," he responds a touch shortly, not meeting her eyes.

"But, you were hurting so much. We never talked about it. I mean, I know … I _felt_ what was inside you, but … I just … I guess I need to know that you're … feeling better," she finishes awkwardly.

Kylo takes a breath and looks at his wine for a moment. He'd successfully pulled himself together, locking it all away as he always does. He has no wish to wade into the morass again tonight. But that she seems so genuinely concerned, it warms his chest and he wishes to reassure her.

He catches her eyes, making sure that she's listening. "Rey, yes, I'm feeling better. You don't need to worry," he says steadily.

Rey looks at him searchingly and he wonders for the thousandth time what she's thinking. She takes another sip of her wine, breaking their eye contact.

The silence stretches and he wants to move on from the reminder of how he had unraveled so completely on this very settee. He wants to ask her what she's done with her day, but that had gone rather badly before. He tries to think of something to say and finds every topic he can think of fraught with _implication_. She fidgets slightly, pulling at the fabric of her dress.

Finally, Rey breaks the silence. "So … I … I did what you said. I spent the day reading about the Jedi, the Force … the Sith." Her nose wrinkles at the last.

"I'm glad." He's surprised but pleased. He relaxes, grateful that she does not intend to push him to speak further on the events of last night.

"I learned a new meditation; I hope I did it right."

"I'm sure you did."

"Well, anyway … I have some questions. About the Sith."

He's wary; he's not sure what to think of this. "Yes?"

"You, your men …"

"The Knights of Ren, and actually one of them is a woman."

"Oh. Well, anyway, how does that work with the Rule of Two?"

"Ah, well, the simple answer is that we are not Sith." Kylo leans back into the cushions.

"You aren't?" She looks genuinely surprised.

"No. Snoke never believed in the Rule of Two. He always believed in expansion, the more the better."

"But you were his only apprentice?"

"Not exactly. At first we all were. I had a slightly elevated position, but I did not become Master of the Knights of Ren until we had been with Snoke for a year or so." He remembers how viciously Wylan Ren had fought his ascension.

"After you joined Snoke. After the Academy … fell."

"Yes … after the Academy fell."

"After you _destroyed_ it." Her eyes grow hard.

He doesn't want to talk about this. He knows it will all go horribly wrong and she'll likely be screaming at him soon.

"Rey … must we talk about this?"

"If you want me to try, then yes, we're talking about this. Eventually we're going to be talking about all of it. What you did, your mother, your father—all of it." The conflict within him is immense. She wants to try? The hope is warring with how much he does not want to revisit _any_ of the topics she has listed. She already knows how he has struggled with the … death of Han Solo. The thought of her pulling apart what happened with Leia Organa leaves him cold. But if that is what she requires of him, he will do it. If he must speak of the Academy, he will.

"I've told you a bit about why I believe in the First Order." She stiffens but she nods.

"After my grandfather was revealed to me and we first began to speak, I went back to the Academy. I started to realize how _wrong_ all of it was, how myopic. Skywalker always told us that we were the arbiters of peace but we never _did_ anything to truly help people. _We didn't interfere_. Grand words with nothing behind them. Grandfather told me of how he had hoped to bring order, equality, _freedom_ to the people through the power of the dark, but that he had never been able to finish what he'd begun. I started to talk with others, to tell them that there was a better, more _active_ way. And they listened."

"So you thought, you _think_ that you should _interfere_ with other planets?"

"Yes! Grandfather told me that he had waited, patiently, until the Empire had total control. His master promised him that once they had the galaxy under their command, then things would change. Snoke promised the same thing. Maybe it was all smoke and mirrors, but now, now I can make it _real_. I can change it _all_ ," he says passionately.

"But the Academy …"

"I … I regret what was necessary. But if we had allowed it to remain, the Jedi would have always opposed us."

"You really believe that it was alright to _murder_ children in order to save other children?"

"What?" He's baffled.

"Didn't you kill everyone?"

"No! No, it wasn't like that. Yes, it was brutal, it was difficult, people _did_ die—but no children. There was fighting, the Jedi attempted to defend the Academy. Some fell. All the older Jedi that remained were given the opportunity to join us. If they did not see the beauty of what we offered, we still didn't kill them."

"But Han said you destroyed everything ..." Kylo flinches at that name.

Kylo looks to the ceiling for a moment before saying, "We did, but no, Rey … those that did not wish to join, as well as the children, were allowed to go free once we severed their connection to the Force."

"You _what_?" she gasps. Her eyes are full of horror.

"It's a simple matter. We couldn't allow them to rebuild. It was painless, I promise." He pushes aside the memory of their anguished faces as one-by-one Snoke had delved into their minds and sundered them from both the light and the dark, silencing the Force in their veins.

"But … you cut them off from …" She continues to look at him with revulsion.

"You lived your whole life with no knowledge of what's inside of you. They went back to another time, when life was less … complex," he says defensively. He blinks quickly, trying to dispel the images of accusing eyes. Though the eyes that forgave are what truly haunt him.

"So there are all of these people who once knew how the Force whispers in them and now … _nothing_?" The way she's looking at him, it makes him feel … guilty.

"We couldn't allow for them to rebuild," he repeats.

"You don't see how _cruel_ that was? The way the Force … sings? To never know that again. Oh, Kylo … how could you _do_ that to them?" Her brow is deeply furrowed and her eyes are brimming with pain.

"It was mercy!" he exclaims.

"No. No, it wasn't. It was reprehensible." She pulls herself into a small ball, her legs drawn up under her skirt. She won't look at him.

"It was the only way!" She keeps her face firmly turned away from him.

"What would you have had us do?" Can't she see that it was necessary? They couldn't allow for dissent, they had to root it out at the source. The Jedi had to be stopped. But she's still refusing to turn back to him. Please, Rey … please.

"What else should we have done? Killed them all?" he asks in frustration.

Her head moves sharply towards him though she keeps her body angled away. Her eyes narrow as she says, "You could have allowed for another point of view. Perhaps _you_ don't know everything. Perhaps your grandfather is wrong!"

"I have no patience for people who believe in suffering," Kylo scoffs.

"But they don't! Maker … how am I ever going to get through to you?" she says to herself, looking away again.

"What do you mean?"

She shifts in her seat, now facing him. "You see _everything_ in such stark, total terms. Even your idea of freedom is so … warped. No dissent, no choice, no _voice_. That's not freedom ..." she trails off.

"Isn't it better that children be fed?" he challenges.

"Of course it is! But at what cost? Isn't it better to show people another way? I guarantee that most on Jakku would choose the life that you've suggested. Wouldn't you rather that they _chose_ it instead of have you demand it? How is that any different than Plutt?"

"You don't understand," he says as he shakes his head.

"Then explain it to me."

"I don't care about the slavers, the Hutts, the Jedi!" he bursts out.

"So you don't care about anyone who doesn't agree with you."

"No, I don't!"

She leans forward and looks into his eyes. "Well, _I_ don't agree with you."

That stops him dead. She's backed him into a nice little corner and he doesn't know what to say. He thinks for a long time.

"Why do you care about the people who have hurt you, controlled you, taken from you?" he pivots.

"Because from what I'm hearing, you've decided that a great number of people aren't worth listening to. You've … you've decided that you, _only_ you, know what is best for trillions of beings."

"I do!"

"How could you possibly?" she asks derisively.

"Grandfather says that once the fighting is done the people will flourish."

"As long as they do not question the First Order." She crosses her arms in front of her chest.

"Exactly."

She gazes at the ceiling and sighs. "Well, I'm certainly not going to get anywhere with you on this tonight, am I?" she asks rhetorically.

He's about to ask what she means when he hears a droid at the door. She's already ordered dinner?

Rey unfolds her legs and goes to the entryway, taking their meal and thanking the droid. He can't help but smile. Thanking a _droid_?

He stands and goes to her, taking the tray from her. "I have it," she says in annoyance.

"I know, let me help," he soothes.

She frowns but doesn't argue. He takes their food to the table and pulls off the covering. For a moment he's confused. It seems to all be ... fruit, but then he notes a small platter of fish. It is an … odd selection.

She must have seen his perplexed expression because her tone is defensive as she says, "I like fruit—I didn't really know what the other choices were."

"You did wonderfully, Rey," he reassures. He wishes she would have told him that she enjoys fruit. He calculates all of the worlds nearby known for their produce. He already has a list in mind before she's setting the table.

He's filling their plates as she retrieves their glasses and refills them with the wine she had selected. It pairs quite well with the fish, he notes. The fruit … well, perhaps he will suggest something else for later.

They take their usual seats and he's filled with satisfaction. He remembers how family dinners used to be, everyone taking their places … when peace had reigned. He and Rey will not fail as the Princess and the Scoundrel had.

"I wanted to tell you something," Kylo says as they begin their meal.

Rey looks up, almost wary as she nods for him to continue.

"I … I've been looking for your parents, Rey."

"What?" she exclaims as she drops her fork.

"Yes, I learned the name of one of the people who left you on Jakku."

"You've been trying to find my parents?" she whispers, blinking rapidly.

"I have. I had planned on it being a surprise, but you seem to prefer to be … _involved,_ so I thought it best to tell you."

She keeps blinking and he's not sure she's heard him. He wishes he could take her hand.

"My parents …" she murmurs.

"Yes, we're following the man who left you there. On Jakku. Well, there was a human woman, too, but I wasn't able to discover her identity."

"What's his name," she demands suddenly, fiercely.

He's a bit startled but he answers, "Sylten Qree. I don't believe he is your father but I could be wrong."

"I was left on Jakku by a man named Sylten Qree?" Her eyes are wide and hopeful.

"Yes. He's a con-man, a criminal. I'm … I'm sure he must have swindled someone. We'll find your family. I'll do everything that I can to bring them to you," Kylo promises. He wonders if she understands the lengths he will go to for her.

"You've really been looking for my parents?"

"Yes Rey, as soon as I became Supreme Leader I began to search."

"Oh."

"I … did I do the wrong thing?" He _needs_ to get something right.

"No! No …. Kylo, for once you've managed to do the right thing for the right reasons. Thank you," she says firmly.

He almost sags in relief. "As we speak, my knights are searching Vren. My hope is that they will have him by tomorrow."

" _Have_ him?"

"Yes, in First Order custody."

"You won't hurt him, will you?" Her eyes are full of panic.

"My intention was to interrogate him as I usually do."

"Please, no, don't hurt him! Don't … don't do to him what you did to me."

He's silent as he thinks of how he had tried to pull the map from her. He knows he only did what he had had to do, but he can still remember how her beautiful eyes had filled with tears and he feels … ashamed. He looks down at his plate, focusing on the strange collection of fruit and he wants to say something, apologize, make her understand that he would _never_ do that now. Only, he knows that that was the moment they were sealed together and he cannot bring himself to regret it. Perhaps he can give her what she's asked instead?

"Alright Rey, I won't use more … advanced methods. Besides, he's a common criminal; I'm certain credits will loosen his tongue."

"But he could be … he could be my _father_ ," she says with such hope it makes him ache.

"I suppose, but I can't imagine your father actually leaving you on a place like Jakku. You are so bright, so beautiful, no father could _ever_ leave behind such a treasure."

"You really think that?"

"Of course I do. Oh Rey, don't you know how special, how singular you are? To look at you is to worship you."

"Now you're just teasing me." Her expression closes and her shoulders droop.

"No Rey, I'm not," he says in a low, genuine voice. He catches her eyes and wills her to see how he loves her. She knows—she _must_ know. How could she not? He watches as a delicate blush blooms along her cheeks and he wishes he could trail his fingers along her soft skin. She looks away but he notices how she suppresses a smile.

"You said he was with a woman?" she asks.

"Yes, human. She would now be roughly 40 standard years."

"So she might have been my mother? Do you know what she looks like?" Rey asks eagerly.

"I'm afraid that's all I know. And again, I cannot imagine your mother would have abandoned you like that. My best guess is that you were caught up in one of Sylten Qree's schemes. He likely conned someone out of something and then he had to deal with the collateral damage. My hope is that there are two people out there who have been yearning for you as much as you have yearned for them."

Rey swallows and he sees that tears have gathered under her lashes. He hadn't meant to make her cry. Maker, he never gets it right. He throws his napkin down and looks away.

"I'm sorry Rey, it wasn't my intention to upset you."

"No! Kylo, no. You haven't upset me. You've made me _happy_."

"Really?" he asks in disbelief. She starts to reach for his hand but pulls back before their fingers touch. If she'd only just touch him, just for a moment ...

"Yes, really. I … that you've done this, that one of the first things you did once you were able was to try and find my parents … it's … well it's lovely and I'm grateful." She smiles and he thinks it might be the first time she's ever smiled just for him. Oh, the things he would do to see that smile every day.

"I … I'm glad Rey." He softly smiles back at her.

They begin to eat again and he's surprised by how nicely the fruit goes with the fish. Rey is quiet, she seems lost in thought. He wonders if she's thinking about her parents.

"You said that you have a collection of Jedi holocrons. Would you really let me look at them?" Rey asks suddenly.

"Of course. I will have them brought to you tomorrow."

"Thank you. Leia had two; it's how I learned to heal with the Force." He ignores the flare of temper that name incites.

"I've not actually looked at any of them. I don't know what they contain."

"You haven't opened them? Then why do you have them?" she asks curiously.

"As a reminder of my past, of the history I share with my grandfather. We were both Jedi before we found a better way."

"Your grandfather …" She seems to be struggling with something.

"Yes?"

"You say he … speaks to you. How does that … work?" she asks cautiously. He's not sure why she seems so filled with trepidation.

"When a Force-user dies they do not _truly_ die. They can still come back, talk to the living. Usually as a Force Ghost, but that is only for those who use the light side. Grandfather explained that because he was a product of the Force he is able to speak to me even though he died as a practitioner of the dark side."

"What do you mean _he died as a practitioner of the dark side_? That's not true, Kylo." Rey is shaking her head.

"I see that the Skywalker twins have been busy filling your head with their lies." He should have known. If only she had been with him from the beginning. Now he must untangle her mind from his _family's_ distorted view of reality.

"What? No! Leia would never lie to me. She told me everything she could about you and your family once I admitted about ... the Bond." That Leia Organa knows of their connection is filed away for later; there are more important matters at hand.

"So I imagine she told you how Darth Vader found the light and was _redeemed_." Kylo spits out the last word with venom.

"Yes, that his love for his son brought him back."

"Well, I'm sure she found comfort in that pretty tale, but no, that's not what happened. Grandfather told me himself what _really_ happened that day," Kylo says with confidence.

"And what did _Darth Vader_ tell you?" she asks, her tone a bit mocking. He wishes she wouldn't speak of Grandfather like that.

"Luke Skywalker murdered him—him and the Emperor. Grandfather told _his son_ what he hopped for the galaxy but Skywalker was too afraid, too _limited_. He couldn't see the power, the glory in the dark side. He refused to see all the _possibilities_."

"You truly believe that Luke Skywalker overpowered the last Sith in the galaxy? Half-trained, barely a Jedi, he succeeded in killing two powerful Force-users?" Rey ask incredulously.

"Grandfather couldn't do it, he couldn't kill his own son. He faltered, Skywalker took the opening and _cut off his head_." Luke Skywalker, bringer of the new age of Jedi, was every bit as stained as Kylo Ren.

"And what about the Emperor? How do you explain that?"

"I … I don't know, Grandfather never spoke of what happened to his master."

"And you didn't wonder?" Rey asks keenly.

"Why would I question my grandfather?" Kylo doesn't like where Rey is taking this.

"I … so this is what you've believed all this time." She sits back in her chair and chews a bit on her bottom lip.

"It's the truth. Why would my grandfather lie to me?" He's unsettled by her reactions to Grandfather.

"Oh, Kylo … I don't know what to say." Rey glances away, shaking her head slightly.

"Can't you see? If Skywalker had only joined Grandfather there would be peace now! Your life would have been so different. Even if it turns out you are an orphan, you would have been adopted, would have had parents to love you. You _never_ would have had to scratch your loneliness into the carcass of an AT-AT."

Her head snaps up and she asks sharply, "How do you know about that?"

"I … I had the stormtroopers take holos of everything they could find. I saw where you lived. I saw how you counted every single day, waiting, hoping, despairing." Such anguish fills her lovely hazel eyes and how he wishes she would let him care for her, treasure her, _heal_ her.

"You don't know me," Rey grinds out.

"Yes, Rey … I do."

"Just because you have a collection of facts doesn't mean you have any idea about who I am."

"Then _tell_ me. Maker knows that's all I want. Do you know how desperately I want to know everything you think, everything that matters to you? I don't care how small, how insignificant a detail, I want to hear it. Rey, sweetheart, you are _everything_ to me." Rey looks up swiftly, her eyes very wide, but he continues. "Please, you must know, you must know what you _mean_ to me." He wants to keep speaking of his heart but she seems almost afraid and he suddenly feels a bit foolish. Kylo looks away.

The heavy silence goes on and Kylo continues to look at the wall, castigating himself for his openness, when he hears her say, "I like sweet things."

"What?" He turns back to her. Is she really going to open up to him, even just a bit?

"Growing up I tasted something sweet twice. Once when I was 7, a rich trader came through Niima and he gave all of the children little pieces of Lorian candy. It was purple and it fizzed on your tongue. The lavender wine with the bubbles ... it tasted a bit like that. I've always wanted to taste it again." Rey looks down and smiles at the memory. Kylo wonders how long it will take to have it shipped from Loria.

She takes a breath and continues, "Then, when I was about 14, a boy named Yoryn gave me a glaze cake. I have no idea where he got it, but it was the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. It was so soft and sticky. I ate the smallest bites I could to make it last; each crumb just melted in my mouth." Kylo nearly growls at the mention of _Yoryn Glant_ but she's finally telling him about herself and he doesn't dare take the chance of upsetting her.

"Then, when I was at Maz's …" She trails off and her eyes grow sad.

"Please tell me."

"It's just … that was _that_ day. The day you took me ... the first time."

"I know it was." Kylo takes a deep breath and decides that perhaps there _are_ some things he should say.

"Rey, I'm sorry." His tone is firm and sincere.

"What?" Rey blinks in confusion.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything that I did to you then. Frightening you in the forest, putting you in a Force sleep … pushing into your mind. Throwing you against that tree. All of it. I'm sorry, Rey. I hope you know that I will never hurt you again." He looks into her eyes intensely.

She bites her bottom lip and nods slightly. She looks like she wants to say something but she keeps her own counsel.

"Do you know that I will never hurt you or allow harm to come to you? Do you know that, Rey?"

"Yes … I … I know."

"Good. Now, please tell me what you were going to say."

She pulls at her napkin and avoids his eyes.

"I would truly like to know, even though it brings up … that day."

Rey catches his eyes for a moment before dropping her gaze to the table. "It was only that that was the first day I tasted fresh fruit. I'd never seen something so _colorful_ , I'd never had anything so bright and tart ... there were so many _textures_ ," she says in awe as she looks at him. "The way the juice just burst from the flesh … _Everything_ changed when I left Jakku, and somehow fruit means that to me. It means discovery, hope, _life_." Rey's eyes are bright and enthusiastic.

Kylo wants so badly to pull her into his arms. She's letting him _in_.

* * *

After finishing their meal Kylo goes to the cabinet and retrieves a deep, dark cordial. It's made with several berries and it's very sweet. He's excited to share this with her now that he knows just a hint of what pleases her. He pours the thick liquid and admires how it streaks down the glasses.

Rey is sitting on the settee, waiting for him. He hands her her glass, taking his seat next to her. He sits just a little closer than he usually does. They're turned, facing each other.

Kylo watches eagerly as she takes her first sip. She closes her eyes and sighs in pleasure. "It's like everything I like about fruit and candy all at once!" she exclaims.

"I'm glad you like it. Thank you for telling me that you like sweet things. Tell me something else about you, please. I want to know everything."

She smiles into her glass. "I like ghost stories."

"You like to be frightened?" His tone is puzzled.

"No, not exactly. I like how they make me shiver. And they're always so sad and tragic. The best ones start out with a terrifying apparition that's really only hurting, pining for his lost love or roaming the world seeking her family. It's never what it seems to be. I like that. I like how the stories surprise you. I was always excited when the storytellers would come." She settles into the cushions, still facing him. Her cheek is resting against the back of the settee. Rey places her hand in the space between them. Does she want … does she want to hold his hand?

"When the storytellers would come?" he asks. He's having difficulty focusing on their conversation. Perhaps he should not have chosen to sit so near her.

"Well, on Jakku … you know how it was." Her time on Jakku is always only just beneath the surface.

"But I'd like to hear it from you." Kylo shifts so that he mirrors her position, they're both leaning their shoulders against the cushions, their faces close together. He pauses before putting his hand near hers. He feels the pull intensify and notices how her hand shifts just a little closer to his.

"Life was hard. There wasn't much time for relaxing. But when the storytellers came through it didn't matter how much you'd regret it in the morning, everyone would stay up well into the night. We'd always beg for just one more story."

"I'm glad you have some good memories of your childhood, Rey."

"Yes, it wasn't all bad. Sometimes I forget that." She's looking steadily into his eyes and her expression is open, welcoming.

He simply looks back, entranced by her lovely eyes. There are flecks of gold and green; he would happily spend his days discovering all of the different colors reflected in those depths. He can't think of anything to say and he finds he doesn't care. He just wants to stay like this, close to her.

Rey shifts and holds his eyes as she slowly moves her hand over his. His eyes widen and he inhales raggedly the moment their skin touches. He shudders as he feels the warmth, the texture of her fingers against his. He hesitates before turning his palm upwards as her fingers curl around his. _Yes_. This is what he needs, what they _both_ need. The Bond is flowing between them, like water lapping at the shore. It is a quiet bliss, not the snapping, wild energy of the other morning. It's completion and how it soothes him.

She strokes her fingers along the inside of his wrist; he gasps and his lips part. Her eyes _glow_. All that there is in the entire galaxy is the feeling of her light touch as she runs her thumb along his sensitive flesh. Kylo traces his fingers along her palm and she sighs and her eyes flutter close.

He takes the opportunity to study her features, the light dusting of freckles across her cheeks. A lock of her dark hair has fallen across her face and he wants to reach up and smooth it back, feel her tresses between his fingers. But he's very unsure about touching her and will not take any liberties. She has told him that this is alright as long as she is the one to touch him. He won't do anything to endanger his time with Rey, if all she does is hold his hand he will accept it for as long as he must. There is more tenderness in her fingers entwined with his than he has felt in almost a lifetime; it is enough.

Rey's eyes are still closed and her pert lips hold a contented smile. They continue to run their fingers over each other's hands, the luscious energy between them growing thicker. Kylo never knew such gentle pleasure was possible.

Her eyes open slowly and her smile grows. Somehow they have moved even closer and their faces are only inches apart. Their fingers dance together and he falls into her eyes, lost to the euphoria of being with _Rey_.

They stay like that until it is time for Kylo to take his leave. Rey keeps his hand in hers all the way to her door.

* * *

Thank you to my amazing beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. I am the luckiest fic writer on the planet.

Thank you to my readers, every hit, follow, favorite, and review make me smile!

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	17. Chapter 17

Kylo Ren is in his personal training room, moving through saber forms. He wishes that Rey would work with him, but she _had_ said she would continue to study on her own. Perhaps soon she will relent and let him show her all that she can do. She had softened so much … Last night had confirmed that all of his hopes and dreams are _possible_. She had talked with him, truly talked with him. He'd made her _happy_ with his attempt to find her parents. And then … the way she had _touched_ him, skimming her fingers along his hand like that … it was beyond erotic. It was as if everything he loves about Rey had been concentrated in her fingertips.

After she had walked him to the door so sweetly, holding his hand until the very last moment, he had returned to his own rooms in an almost daze. Her touch had continued to ripple through him. He had fallen asleep still feeling the whisper of her fingers against his own. She's letting him in ...

It had been difficult not to go to her this morning and he's missing Rey, but he doesn't want to push her. And so he trains, attempting to ready himself for a day of tedium. He has been a warrior of one kind or another for his entire adult life and the duties of Supreme Leader do not always come naturally to him. He dislikes sending others to do the work of war.

She had said that she wants to _try_. He lets that wash through him as he swings his saber, slashing through the air. His body is controlled, his muscles taut as he lunges and blocks. _Rey wants to try …_

* * *

Hux enters his office, looking as uncomfortable as he always does.

"Supreme Leader?"

"Yes, Hux."

"We have received a communication from the Knights of Ren."

Perhaps they have already found Sylten Qree? "And?"

"They believe they have located the subject and should have him in custody within the day."

"Excellent. Inform me immediately when they arrive."

Hux looks to the side before clearing his throat.

"What is it, Hux?" Kylo asks in irritation. He wishes Hux would simply _speak_ instead of making his displeasure known, forcing Kylo to pull it from him.

"They expect to arrive in the evening when you are generally … occupied."

The stormtroopers must be talking. There are very few of the rank and file who can withstand the Jedi mind trick—it had taken quite some time to find the guards for Rey's door—so he is loath to discipline them too harshly. Regardless, Hux would likely ferret out his private business no matter what steps he were to take. Kylo has only seen Hux caught by surprise once: when he had become Supreme Leader. Now _that_ had been _exceptionally_ satisfying. Kylo recalls how the ginger general had gaped at him—most unattractively—for an entire minute. Hux's mouth had opened and closed repeatedly before he'd shouted, "You cannot _possibly_ be serious!" Oh, that had been a very good day indeed. Kylo brings his attention back to his one-time rival.

"If they arrive while I am … otherwise engaged, do not disturb me. Beyond that, I wish to be alerted as soon as possible."

"Yes, Supreme Leader." Hux goes to leave.

"Oh, and Hux?" The general turns back to Kylo.

"See that the prisoner is unharmed." Kylo _did_ tell Rey that Sylten Qree would not be hurt.

"Sir?"

"Ensure that no _extensive_ measures are taken." He supposes the man _could_ be her father, after all.

* * *

He's brimming with excitement for this evening. Now that he knows she likes sweet things, he has prepared something special for tonight. Kylo walks briskly from the bridge to Rey's quarters. He wants to shower her in gifts; he has an embarrassingly large collection of jewelry, perfumes, and other treasures hidden away in his rooms. But he is certain that too much, too soon would likely overwhelm her, so he will simply add to his trove as he thinks of something. This, however ... this he's _certain_ will please her.

* * *

"Good evening, Rey," Kylo says as she gestures for him to enter. His helmet and gloves go to their usual perch.

"Hello, Kylo," she responds.

Tonight she is wearing a soft green dress free of adornment, but its simple lines suit her. He thinks it makes her eyes especially vibrant. Her hair is back up, held with fine golden combs. They're askew and he realizes she's likely never had ornaments for her hair. He flashes to watching Leia Organa twine her long, dark tresses into elaborate styles when he was a boy. She could likely teach Rey everything about such things … he shakes his head and pushes _that_ strange thought as far away as possible.

He stands in front of her, not quite sure what to do. He had felt wonderfully _close_ to her last night. Will she touch him in greeting? Rey only looks up at him and then her eyes glance around the room furtively. He realizes he's just been standing there, looking at her, and he feels unsure and awkward. He scans the room and sees that there is no wine waiting. He breaks the strange moment by walking to her wine cabinet, busying himself with preparing their drinks.

He notes that she's rearranged some of the ferns and blooms and reminds himself to check when the next shipment of flora is due. The Lorian candy she had mentioned should be arriving within the week.

"Have you already ordered dinner?" he asks as he pulls out the glasses.

"I really wasn't sure about what to order last night so I thought you could do it?" Rey is moving towards the settee.

"If that is your wish." Kylo selects the wine and pours the burgundy liquid.

He goes to Rey and hands her her wine and then goes to the console to order their dinner. He may now know that she is fond of desserts, but he still has no idea what sort of savory foods she prefers. Kylo hesitates and makes his selection, hoping she will like it. He's certain she'll enjoy what he has planned for later.

Kylo takes his seat next to Rey, sensing the gentle flow of the Bond between them. He wants to pull the combs from her hair and watch as her mane tumbles into his hands. He knows he must be patient, but the way she had touched him last night had finally quieted the constant storm that rages for her. He longs for her to reach out and again twine her fingers with his, feel that bliss.

"How was your training today?" he asks, trying to pull himself from the heady memory.

Her eyes flit up and she suddenly seems nervous. "Oh, fine."

"Rey?"

"What?"

"Did you _do_ something?"

"No! Anyway, as I've told you before, there's nothing _to_ do."

"But you said you would try to work on learning the ways of the Force on your own? They did bring you the holocrons, didn't they?"

"Yes, they did …"

"But …?"

"I couldn't focus! I'm trapped and frankly I'm going a little mad." Rey tastes her wine but her face shows nothing.

"I'm sorry for that, Rey … I don't know what else to do."

"You could let me out of these rooms?"

"Do you really expect me to believe that you won't try to escape?"

She places her glass on the low table and crosses her arms in front of her chest, her expression sullen.

Rey looks at him and asks, "What if I promise not to?"

"I would not believe you." He's fairly certain she would bolt at the first opportunity. He fiercely wishes he could trust her to stay with him.

"So that's it? I'm going to be trapped in here for the rest of my life?"

"No, of course not. This is temporary."

"Oh, I see. I'll be in here until you deem that it's time."

"Yes."

She suddenly stands and goes to the viewscreen, watching Vren below. Kylo puts his glass down and goes to stand near her. As he approaches her he sees her face and what he finds lances through his chest. Her eyes are … desolate.

"Rey …"

She continues to look out the viewscreen. "I don't know what to do, Kylo. I _am_ trying. When you came to me after Demyan … I saw a man who I could … But then you are so _casual_ about keeping me prisoner."

"You are _not_ a prisoner."

Her head turns to him swiftly. "Yes, I _am_. You need to accept that. You need to understand what you're doing to me."

"Do you think prisoners are treated like this?" He gestures to the spacious room and the bursting greenery.

"It doesn't matter how lovely everything is, I still can't _leave_." She looks back down on the planet with such _longing_.

Perhaps … "What if I took you down to Vren tomorrow?"

"What?" she asks, startled. She turns to face him.

"I have reason to believe that the business with Sylten Qree will be concluded sometime tonight. Tomorrow I will take you to the planet's surface if that is your desire."

"Really?" Her eyes gleam with hope.

"Rey, I don't _want_ to keep you in here, I truly don't. If it would make you happy to go planetside then of course I will take you." Besides, if he takes her somewhere remote she would have nowhere to go; she won't be able to run from him.

"It would be wonderful to feel real air on my skin. I … I don't really like space. I always thought I would, but everything is …"

"Muted."

"Yes, exactly!"

"It's because of your Force connection. That's part of why I made sure that there are many living things in your rooms. I remember. It was difficult to grow accustomed to how it changes the Force; I had hoped it would help. But perhaps I was wrong," Kylo says regretfully.

"Are you 'accustomed' to it?"

"Yes. The Force is quieter, but it is still very present. You learn to feel its … subtlety."

She nods slightly and looks down for a long time. Rey lifts her eyes to his and asks, "You'll really take me?"

"Rey, I promise I will make sure that you are off of the ship as often as I am able, now that I know that is your wish." He wonders if it would be possible to continue to head the First Order from somewhere stationary. He has found it extremely useful to be mobile, but perhaps he should consider making this change. If she finds space unpleasant … he'll look into it after their trip to Vren.

"Thank you, Kylo." She smiles up at him. Her face takes on a thoughtful expression and she says, "You said you think you'll have that man, Sylten Qree, sometime tonight?"

He blinks at the change of subject. "Yes, he has been located and my knights will return with him shortly."

"And you won't hurt him?"

"I've already given orders that he remain unharmed."

"Good … thank you. Do you think I could … meet him?"

"Oh, Rey … he's a very low sort of person. I don't want you exposed to that."

Rey snorts and says, "Really? You _do_ know where I grew up, don't you? I was probably 'exposed' to more criminals in a day on Jakku than you have been in your whole life."

"Don't be so sure about that," Kylo says bitterly, remembering the sort of people _Han Solo_ preferred.

Rey looks at him inquisitively but doesn't comment on his remark. "If he's the one who left me, even if he isn't my father … I'd like to … I'd like to be there when you talk to him."

Kylo stiffens. The idea of her participating in the interrogation makes him very uncomfortable, but her eyes are open and pleading. He purses his lips and continues to think on it.

"Please?" she asks.

"Rey … I really don't want you anywhere near a man like Sylten Qree."

Rey rolls her eyes. "You are _way_ too late to protect me from men like him, Kylo."

Fury roils in his chest as he's once again reminded of all that she's been through. He really might need to go to Jakku once he has found her parents. The more he learns, the more he needs to be her vengeance. "I don't like this. What if I learn something difficult? What if he's cruel to you? I don't ... I don't want that for you."

"We're talking about finding my _parents_. _Mine_ , Kylo. I don't want to be _protected_. I want to _know_. Please. He's the man who left me … He might … he might be my _father_." Her eyes are full of a lifetime of waiting, dreaming, hoping, and he just wants to hold her. Not because of how he needs her, but because he wants to wrap her in his arms and stand between her and all that has hurt her. Kylo wants, desperately, to comfort her. There is an edge of anguish to Rey that never really leaves her. That she has been ill-used and abandoned is gouged into her soul. Maker, he hopes her story has a happy ending.

"If that is what you truly want then yes … yes you may be there." Kylo hopes he's not making a horrible mistake.

"You really are very thoughtful in your own strange way." Rey cocks her head to the side and her hand lifts slightly then drops. He had hoped for a moment … but no. Then she blinks and lifts her hand again, pushing a bit of his hair behind his ear. His body is instantly alight from the contact. Her hand lingers on his jaw and he just wants to close his eyes and give himself over to the feel of her soft touch.

She pulls her hand back slowly, trailing her fingers along his face as she withdraws. A small sound of protest escapes him before he can stop it. He breathes in deeply, trying to keep from begging her to please, please keep touching him. Kylo knows he must be patient, that if he pushes her he'll lose these small moments she allows him. But the craving is only growing worse with each touch.

Rey blinks and returns her gaze to the planet below. "What's Vren like?"

He takes in a quavering breath as he attempts to master himself. "It is a small planet with only a few population centers. There are many beautiful beaches and they are known for their lylanberries. They grow quite prolifically near the coasts. There is a small mountain range as well." He's had the local berries brought up from the surface for his surprise. Oh, he hopes she will like it …

"Can we go to one of the cities?" she asks.

He pauses. He had been thinking of taking her somewhere far from any ships she could use to escape him. However, if he were to bring the Knights of Ren … Yes, that is what he will do. Decision made, he answers, "Of course."

"Thank you, Kylo. I miss the sounds of people. I never thought I would. I never really liked the marketplace at Niima, but I think I got used to all of the activity at the bases." Her eyes grow wistful and her lips pull into a sorrowful little smile.

He hates that she had been with _them_ for so long. If only he had known of her when he had descended on Jakku. He would have landed his shuttle on her doorstep and swept her away that very night. She never would have had the opportunity to become so confused. Rey would be in his bed and she would be happy. It infuriates him that had he found her but two days earlier … But it does not do to dwell on what might have been.

The droid has arrived and they both start for the door. He motions for her to stay as he says, "Please, let me."

* * *

Dinner had been quiet and she had shared a few more memories of Jakku, telling him tales of how she would go on week-long journeys to reach remote crash sites. She is remarkably resourceful and he managed not to let his anger at her arduous existence show. Her face had glowed with pride as she had recounted her successes, and he had not wanted to undermine them with his simmering fury that she had needed to learn such skills in the first place.

Now they're sitting together on the settee, but she has not taken his hand as she did last night. He's so eager to see how she responds to what he's planned that he ignores his disappointment.

He keeps imagining her reaction and smiling to himself. His surprise is due to arrive any minute and he can't keep the anticipation from his face.

"What is it Kylo? You keep glancing at the time."

"You'll see," he says with a wicked little smile.

Rey raises her brows but she smiles back tentatively.

"I think you will like it. At least I hope you will," Kylo says just as he hears the droid announce its presence. He stands quickly and strides to the door.

He retrieves the tray and brings it to the low table in front of the settee. There's barely room for it among the ferns and orchids. Kylo sits in front of the tray and removes its cover. He's pleased to find everything in order. There is a large, ornate bowl filled with iced whilk cream, another smaller bowl with caramelized lylanberries, and a small carafe of Chadian rum.

Rey sits closer to him and leans forward, watching as he pours the golden rum over the deep purple berries. "What is it?" she asks curiously.

"You'll _see_ ," he says again in a teasing tone. She's sitting very near; he can feel the warmth of her form.

Kylo is relieved to find that his hand is steady as he places it over the berry and rum concoction. He concentrates the Force for a moment and the alcohol bursts into blue and yellow flames. Rey yelps and sits back, her eyes wide. The flames dance and twist. He shifts his attention from his task to Rey, who has already moved forward again. Kylo watches as the flickering light plays across her face and makes the golden filigree of her hair combs glint. Stars, he will never tire of looking at her. Her eyes are full of pure delight as she watches the flames gutter and finally go out. He _knew_ she would like this.

The air is filled with the rich aroma of the cooked fruit and Rey exclaims, "Oh, that smells so good!"

Kylo smiles, he is terribly excited to see her face when she _tastes_ it. He carefully dishes out the iced cream and ladles the succulent fruit over the frozen dessert. He's about to hand her her dish when he has an idea. Would she let him …

Before he considers it fully, he takes up one of the spoons and scoops up a perfect bite with just the right amount of cream and berries. He turns to Rey and hesitantly holds it up to her mouth. She pauses for a moment too long and he's regretting his forwardness. But then she holds his eyes as she leans forward and opens her inviting mouth. Caught in her gaze, he delicately feeds her the flambéed delicacy.

He barely suppresses a shudder as he watches her supple pink lips close around the luscious cream. Her eyes slide close and, and ... oh Force, she _moans_. The sound of her pleasure goes straight to his center and he's _reacting_. He pulls the spoon from her mouth and he wants to pull her to him and _taste_ the berries on her lips. Her eyes flutter open and it's as if he can still see the earlier flames burn in their depths. Her tongue flits out, capturing the last of the decadent dessert, and he can't stop the strangled gasp that escapes him. Simply watching her enjoy his surprise has him so hard that he can barely think.

"What _is_ that? Kylo, I've never tasted anything like it. It's … it's _amazing_. The cold and the heat, the fruit is so sweet and … and … you set it on fire with the _Force_!"

"I did." He smiles a bit smugly. "To answer your question, it is flambéed lylanberries over iced whilk cream. I had the berries shipped from Vren this afternoon. They were picked this morning." He hands her her dish and sets about making his own.

Rey quickly takes another bite and she makes that same _sound_. It tingles along his spine and Kylo has to shift in his seat in an attempt to adjust himself surreptitiously.

"I mean, I didn't even know something could _be_ this delicious!" she says between mouthfuls.

"I'm glad that you like it, Rey."

"Oh, I more than like it. This is the best thing I've ever tasted in my whole life!"

"I had hoped you would enjoy it," he says quietly.

She smiles that smile again, the one she grants him when he's managed to get it right. She shifts closer, leaning her shoulder against his. His breath hitches but he manages to suppress any other outward signs of what she _does_ to him.

"How did you _do_ that, make flame with the Force?" she asks curiously.

He's suddenly very quiet. He remembers how _she_ had shown him while on a visit home from the Academy. The warm, joyful energy is sucked from the room as Kylo struggles with what to say.

"Kylo?" Rey asks, worry filling her lovely eyes.

"I … Leia Organa showed me," he admits softly.

"Your mother taught you?"

He bristles at the reminder of who _she_ used to be to him. "Yes, when I was an adolescent. She just used it as a parlor trick, she could only ever light candles," he says dismissively.

"I wonder why she didn't show _me_ …" Rey sounds almost … hurt.

"She could never do anything useful with it; she likely forgot. I'm certain it wasn't intentional." Kylo isn't sure why he's defending _Leia Organa._

"Still … I thought she showed me everything she knew …" Rey looks away.

Kylo doesn't want to continue talking about _that woman_. He wants to coax back the jubilant mood of earlier, but he doesn't know _how_. He supposes that at least his body is once again under control. He begins to eat his own dessert quietly. He focuses on the sensation of their shoulders pressed together.

Rey watches him for a long while before continuing to eat hers as well. Soon she's making little hums of happiness and the tension is easing. She finishes her dish. She leans forward to place her empty dish on the table and he immediately misses the contact of her leaning into him. Rey turns to him and asks, "Will you show me?"

"What?"

"Will you show me how to make fire with the Force?"

Kylo is startled; he hadn't really expected her to let him show her anything for quite some time. But he recovers quickly and says, "Of course, it would be my pleasure."

"Maybe tomorrow, after Vren?"

"Or perhaps _on_ Vren. Just don't burn down the forest," Kylo says ruefully. She's remarkably good at bringing him back when the past has him caught in its gnashing teeth.

"I thought you said we could go to a city?"

"We will, Rey. I thought perhaps we could do both?"

"Yes, I'd like that." She smiles at him.

They sit quietly and Kylo wishes she would press against him again. Rey tilts her head and asks, "When do you think they'll have Sylten Qree?"

"My knights may already be back with him."

"Wouldn't they tell you?"

"I've asked not to be disturbed. My time with you is too important."

She ducks her head and he sees that lovely blush stain her cheeks. Then her expression grows serious. "He might already be here?"

"Yes. My intention had been to int- to speak with him after leaving you. If the knights have returned, I suppose you will be coming with me instead."

"Would you check and see if he's here? I … I've waited such a long time for answers. The thought that he's already here, that he's _been_ here while I was enjoying dinner with you …" she trails off.

At first Kylo is hurt, hurt that she would rather be speaking with this _cretin_ than spending time with him, but then he realizes she had said that she was enjoying herself. The corner of his mouth lifts.

"Yes, Rey, I will check." Kylo pulls out his comm.

"Hux," he demands into the device.

"Supreme Leader?" Hux responds, sounding surprised.

"Who else would be using this channel?" Kylo asks in irritation. "Have the Knights of Ren returned?"

"Yes, sir. They arrived just after you left for your … engagement."

"Is the prisoner comfortable? My instructions were followed?"

"Yes, Supreme Leader. Sylten Qree is currently being held in Detention Level B."

"Have him moved to an inter-" Kylo stops himself. He doesn't want Rey to have to see an interrogation room. He doesn't want her to see one of those chairs ever again. Kylo clears his throat and continues, "Have Jashad and Palek Ren bring him to my office and stand guard. We will be there shortly."

"'We, Supreme Leader?" Curiosity bleeds through the comm.

"Yes … Rey will be accompanying me."

"I see." Yes, he likely _does_ see. The general always _sees_ far more than Kylo would like.

Kylo shuts off his comm and finds Rey watching him intently.

"What is it?" Kylo asks.

"It's just … it's strange watching you be 'Supreme Leader'."

"What do you mean?"

"I … you're very different with me."

"I should hope so."

"Anyway, it's just strange. That was all."

Kylo stands from the settee. He wants to offer her his hand to help her up, but he ignores the impulse. "If you're sure this is what you really want, we should go."

"Yes, I'm sure." She stands as well.

He moves to the table by the door and pulls on his gloves.

As he's reaching for his helmet, Rey asks, "Do you really have to wear that?"

He holds the helmet and thinks. It had never occurred to him to _not_ wear his helmet once he had become Supreme Leader. While he was a Knight of Ren it would have been unthinkable to go anywhere without his mask. Snoke would have been seriously displeased. No one on the ship save Rey, Hux, and the Knights of Ren have ever seen his face. Kylo Ren _is_ the mask. He decides that it is necessary.

"Yes Rey, I do."

"I _hate_ it."

"I am aware," he says as he settles his helmet over his head.

He is opening the door when Rey slips her hand around his arm. He's startled and turns, looking into her face, searching for answers. Rey looks up at him and smiles ever so slightly. Kylo suddenly realizes that she's trying to allow him to escort her properly. A gentle warmth spreads throughout his body, beginning in his chest. He bends his arm and tucks her hand into the crook of his elbow and finds himself standing that much taller.

* * *

Thank you to my straight up fantastic beta and friend, Meaghan M/Juulna. Not only does she make sure each chapter is all shiny, she has managed to teach me more about grammar and punctuation than I ever learned in 18 years of school.

Thank you to my beautiful readers. Being able to share this with you makes me wonderfully happy. You make posting days the best days.

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	18. Chapter 18

They're entering the bridge and he feels Rey's small fingers tighten on his arm. He looks down and finds her eyes wide and she's looking around quickly. Kylo can't determine what has her so agitated. He realizes that the entire bridge has stopped what they're doing and are looking at him. No, no, they're looking at _Rey_. Of course, the gossip has been flowing fast and furious and the officers must be curious about her. He shouldn't have brought her here. He should have had Sylten Qree taken to empty quarters or simply conducted the … interview in his cell. What had he been thinking? Obviously, he hadn't. He'd only been partially focused on the matter at hand, so transported by Rey.

He wants to talk with her, soothe her. But there is no way for him to do so as his office is already rather occupied. There's nothing for it―he will simply have to move forward. Rey shifts closer to him and now she's almost clinging as she looks around furtively. He leads her quickly to his office.

They enter to find Sylten Qree sitting in one of the chairs opposite Kylo's desk. Both Palek and Jashad stand with their backs to the door and their eyes on Qree. The knights turn quickly at the sound of their arrival but the con-man keeps his seat, not bothering to turn his head to see who has entered. Rey draws nearer still and her other hand joins the first as she practically wraps herself around his arm. While normally he would be elated for this much contact between them, his worry for her drowns out all else. What's wrong?

Rey's eyes are trained intensely on the back of Qree's head. His hair is the same shade as hers as well as mirroring her loose curls.

"Jashad Ren," Kylo says, getting the knight's attention.

"Supreme Leader?" Jashad queries as he looks between Kylo and Rey.

"Report," Kylo orders.

"We apprehended the target approximately four hours ago. He was in the midst of …" Jashad trails off and looks towards the ceiling.

"Jashad Ren?"

"Forgive me Supreme Leader, but maybe it would be better for me to give you our report … privately," Jashad says, angling his head towards Rey.

"No, I want to hear," Rey proclaims as her focus moves from Qree to what the knight has been saying. Her hands fall from Kylo's arm and she moves towards Jashad. Kylo feels the Bond snap wildly, as if it wants to lash Rey back to his side. Palek remains by the door, keeping an eye on the prisoner.

Kylo is torn. He really hadn't thought this through. He beckons for Rey to follow him to the edge of the room in an attempt to gain some semblance of privacy.

"Rey, allow me to take you to Hux's office while I hear Jashad's report and speak with Qree. Then I will bring you back and you may speak with him." He can't believe he hadn't thought of this earlier. He should have taken her there in the first place. He's handling all of this quite badly.

"No. I want to know all of it. I don't care how ugly, I want to _know_."

"Rey, please."

"No! All my life, all I've known about my parents is that they left me on Jakku and that they told me they would come back. That's _all_ I know, Kylo. My whole life that's all I have _ever_ known about _who I am_. I won't let you keep _one single detail_ from me!" She enunciates her words sharply, her eyes flashing.

"I just want to protect you," he pleads.

"And I don't _want_ to be protected! You've taken enough from me―I won't let you take this, too," she says fiercely.

He wants to ask more, find out what she means, but Palek and Jashad are both doing an astonishingly poor job of hiding their curiosity.

Kylo sighs, his mask turning it into a harsh, modulated sound. "Alright, Rey," he capitulates. He thinks that he may need to get used to saying that. Frequently.

He walks them back to Jashad, missing the feel of her small hand around his arm.

"Continue, Jashad Ren."

"Yes Supreme Leader. We apprehended the target in the midst of … seducing a young woman. He had taken her to a room above the establishment. Things were … progressing." Jashad looks quickly to Rey before continuing, "We were able to remove him from the premises with minimal complications. He has not spoken a word since. Palek took it upon himself to inform the young lady what Qree's plans for her had been."

"What plans?" Rey asks.

Jashad holds himself warily, looking at Kylo for direction.

"You may answer her, Jashad."

"Yes, Supreme Leader." Jashad addresses Rey, "It was his intention to convince her that he was in love with her. Once he had access to her family's wealth he intended to leave the system."

Rey shrinks into Kylo and murmurs, "That's awful …"

"Yes, Lady Rey, it is," Jashad agrees.

The bottom falls out of Kylo's stomach. Jashad does not understand how _delicate_ the situation is with Rey. He never did have any subtlety.

Rey looks up at Kylo and asks, " _Lady_ Rey?"

"Jashad Ren is simply showing you respect," Kylo responds. It _is_ true. Just not all of the truth.

"Oh." Rey's face is perplexed but soon it clears as she again focuses on Sylten Qree. She takes a deep breath and walks forward purposefully. Kylo follows quickly, not sure how this will unfold. It had never occurred to him that Rey would just … take over like this.

Rey stands in front of the captured criminal and looks down on the seated man. Kylo moves to stand next to her.

Sylten Qree has the exact same coloring as Rey, right down to the hazel eyes. Oh no …

"Are you my father?" Rey asks bluntly.

"I sure hope not, luv," Qree leers suggestively.

Kylo growls, low in his throat. Rey puts a placating hand on his shoulder. He settles, but only barely.

"You left me on Jakku 15 years ago. You were with a woman, another human. Are you my father?" Rey asks again.

"Might be. What's it worth to the First Order to find out?" Qree looks directly at Kylo.

"We do not need your _cooperation_. I'll have you _dragged_ to medical where they will be able to tell me in minutes if you are her father," Kylo threatens.

"Ah, but if you don't play nice then I'll never tell the pretty girl about her _mother_. She was a tasty treat, too. Same tits."

"My mother?" Rey whispers as Kylo advances on Qree.

"That is the _last_ time you will speak of her like that. I am able to pull _anything_ I want out of you. And I will make it _hurt_ ," Kylo hisses as he looms over the con man.

"Kylo, no! You promised!"

Kylo is breathing hard, his nostrils flaring beneath his helmet.

"Yeah, that's right. I knew your mother. We shacked up for a while, back in the day. Used to almost love her," Qree says flippantly.

"What happened to her? Why did she leave me? Are you my father?" Rey's words are a rushed jumble.

"One at a time. Anyway, I think me and loverboy here have some business to conduct first." Qree again focuses on Kylo.

Kylo is still exceptionally angry at Qree for speaking of Rey in such a fashion but he manages to grind out, "What do you require to give her her answers?"

Qree leans back in his chair and inspects his fingernails. "You get me out of this system, buy me a clean ship, and … 10,000 credits." He looks up at Kylo expectantly.

"Fine. Done." Kyo doesn't even bother to haggle; he wants this man off of his ship and away from Rey as soon as possible.

Rey gasps and Qree's eyes open _very_ wide. Kylo watches as he understands, far too late, that he could have asked for ten times that and it would have been granted. Kylo smiles cruelly under his mask.

"Now talk," Kylo orders.

Qree looks at Rey. "No, I'm not your father. Never knew who he was."

"But you _do_ know who my mother is?" Rey's voice trembles and her eyes are huge with hope.

"Yeah. Her name's Lann, Lann Tren."

"My mother's name is Lann …" Rey says to herself, looking away. She swallows and blinks a few times before returning her gaze to Qree. "Why did she _leave_ me?" she asks, sounding like a young child.

"Well, you see … Lanny always had a bit of a problem with the spice. When I met her she was working out of some brothel on Chalnek. There was something about her, though … so I took her with me when it was time to leave. Both of you."

"But why did she _abandon_ me?"

"I don't stay anywhere long, and you were getting to be a liability. I told Lanny she could stay with me, I'd keep her in all the spice she could want, but that the kid—you—had to go."

Kylo had always had a very bad feeling about all of this, but this is so much worse than he had ever imagined. He clenches his jaw in order to keep his silence, and continues to allow Rey to ask her questions. Though he wants, quite badly, to replace Qree's smug confidence with mortal terror.

For a moment she says nothing as Kylo watches a lifetime of hope flicker and die. It feels like he's watching his own heart shatter right in front of him. Oh, my beloved ...

Finally she asks in a broken voice, "What?"

"Sorry, luv, but you can't have a brat tagging along in my line of work."

"But …" Rey looks confused … _lost._ She's losing control of the Bond and some of her anguish is bleeding through. Kylo is finding it difficult to breathe.

"Look, Lanny was never the … mothering kind. When I found her, the other girls at the brothel were the ones who took care of you. She should have just left you there in the first place," Qree says casually, as if he's not telling a young woman that her own mother didn't want her.

Kylo is horrified. Had Rey been raised in a brothel, he knows _exactly_ what would have become of her.

"So you _made_ her leave me on Jakku?" Rey asks, a bit of her fire returning.

"It wasn't that hard to convince her. I'd just had a pretty good score and Plutt owed me one. I paid him off and away we flew," Qree says as he cuts through the air with his hand, mimicking a ship taking off.

"You're lying! She said she'd be back. She said she'd come back …" Rey suddenly looks at Kylo, her eyes pleading desperately. But he hasn't the power to change this. All he can do is pick up the pieces, if she will let him.

"Yeah, sorry kid. That was just to get you to stop wailin'. Didn't even work; you had a set of lungs on you!"

"No. No. _No_! You're lying―you _have_ to be lying!" Rey begs. Kylo almost staggers at the cascade of memories that tumble through the Bond. He can barely make sense of them, but there is one constant: Rey holding on to this single belief through everything—that her family was coming for her. Sometimes it was the only thing that had kept her _alive_.

"Believe me, don't. Doesn't matter to me." Qree shrugs.

Rey is drawing into herself and Kylo berates himself for ever allowing her to be hurt like this. He shouldn't have told her he was looking for her parents. He sees tears gathering in her eyes and he's cursing his promise not to touch her. He had thought keeping his desire in check would be the most difficult aspect of his pledge, but no, watching her break and not being able to wrap her in his arms is _agony_.

She has fallen silent so Kylo steps in. "You clearly parted ways. Do you know where this Lann Tren is currently?"

"Ran into her almost a year ago. She'd joined some convent, kicked the spice."

"And where was that?" Kylo prods.

"Oh no, this isn't my first pod race. I'll tell you _after_ I've got my ship and credits."

Kylo glances at Rey. She's holding herself tightly and her face is completely blank. The Bond is again silent. Her eyes are focused on nothing. He wants to conclude this quickly and get her back to her rooms.

"Jashad and Palek Ren," Kylo says.

"Yes, Supreme Leader?" they say in unison.

"Take Qree wherever he wishes to go, buy him a ship. Hux will arrange payment. Once Qree gives you the location of Lann Tren, give him his credits. I want him off the _Finalizer_ within the hour," Kylo orders with disgust.

Jashad and Palek haul Qree up out of his seat and push him roughly to the door.

"Nice catching up, little Rey," Qree taunts as they pull him from the room.

Rey has continued to stand completely still, her eyes unmoving. It's almost as if she's not even there. Kylo approaches her slowly.

"Rey?" he asks gently. He gets no response.

"Rey?" he tries again.

Kylo pulls his mask off and draws as close as he dares. He watches her for a long time. "Oh, sweetheart …" This gets her attention and she lifts her face to his. Her eyes are full of such pain it makes his heart shudder in his chest. He has failed her. Utterly.

"I'm so, so sorry."

"She didn't want me," Rey says so quietly that he can barely hear her.

"I …" He has no idea what to say. Rey is right. He could not have dreamt up a more painful story had he tried.

"She … she threw me away." Kylo is certain he has never heard such plaintive suffering in all of his life.

"Yes. She did. But that is because of who _she_ is, not who _you_ are."

"I'm nobody. Nothing. Less than nothing," she whispers.

"No, no, please no. You are brilliant, vibrant, beautiful … Rey, you are the most amazing person I have ever known."

Rey is silent again. Kylo watches a tear roll down her cheek and not holding her is killing him.

"I'd like to go back to my rooms now." Her voice is hollow.

"Whatever you need, Rey."

He's about to replace his helmet when she asks, "Please don't put _that_ back on. Please?"

"Rey, they've never seen my face."

"I don't care. I … I need you right now and you aren't _you_ when you wear it."

"Oh, Rey …" What can he do? The thought of going without his mask … But then he looks into her delicate face and he knows he'll give her anything. "Alright, Rey."

He gestures for her to precede him when she again slips her hand around his arm. He walks her through the door and ignores the gaping officers as he takes her back to her quarters.

* * *

They approach her door and the stormtroopers stare for a long moment before rushing to stand aside. Kylo escorts her through the door. He places his helmet on its table and Rey continues to hold onto his arm. As they had walked through the corridors more tears had fallen, but she had said nothing.

He walks them to the settee and he encourages her to sit. He pulls off his gloves and leaves them on the low table. He takes his seat beside her, not knowing what to do. He wants to put his arm around her but he cannot touch her.

"What do you need?" Kylo asks. _Let me help you._

"Would you … would you hold me?" Her lovely eyes are swimming with tears.

"Oh, Rey, that's all I've wanted to do since … well, frankly that's all I _ever_ want to do." He gathers her up in his arms and holds her as close as he can. She splays a hand on his chest and starts to knead at the fabric. He feels her start to shake and he realizes she's crying in earnest now. He soothes his hands along her back.

"It's alright, sweetheart, it's alright," Kylo croons.

"It won't ever be alright again," she sobs into his dark clothing.

"Shhh, don't say that. Yes it will. Qree said that she's changed her ways. Perhaps once she was free of the spice she _did_ try to find you. Maybe she regrets it; maybe once her mind cleared she realized what a horrible mistake she had made. You've not been on Jakku for a year now, she could have gone back and you'd never have known."

Rey continues to weep, her small body trembling in his arms. He's filled with vicious thoughts of what he wishes would happen to this woman who had _dared_ to treat his beloved in this way. That Rey was thrown away on a junkyard planet like a piece of worthless trash is nearly unbelievable to him. How could anyone have done anything but adore this perfect creature?

He keeps her wrapped tightly in his arms and eventually she quiets. He pulls back slightly in order to see her face. Her eyes are red and she's blinking slowly.

"Rey?"

She nods slightly, not looking at anything.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She just shakes her head and burrows deeper into his embrace. He's surprised when he feels her open the Bond a fraction and he pushes all of his devotion towards her, hoping she can sense at least some of it. He's never told her that he loves her. He can't quite form the words, knowing that he would be handing her a fearsome weapon. One to which he has no defense.

Her despair bleeds through the Bond and he's grateful that she's allowing him to comfort her in this way; she is in such obvious need. He holds her firmly and brushes his lips across her hair, not quite kissing her. Time passes, her anguish becomes softer, and she again silences their connection. He feels the loss but focuses on the weight of her in his arms. She loosens her grip on his clothing but he says nothing. Until she pulls away, he will keep her as near as she will allow. He never wants to let her go. Her hand falls from his chest and he feels as she relaxes completely. He looks down and finds that she's asleep. Oh, my love …

He stays like that for a long time. Kylo contemplates simply holding her throughout the night, but he doesn't think she would react well to that. Gently, oh so gently, he lifts her in his arms and carries her to her bedroom. He shifts her weight slightly to free his hand enough to pull her blankets back with the Force and he settles her in her bed. She murmurs a bit but soon she is quiet again.

He carefully removes her shoes and smoothes her dress. Kylo does not want to leave her. He wants to crawl in beside her and wrap her in his arms again. Instead, he draws the covers over her.

Kylo crouches next to the bed, watching her perfect face, peaceful in sleep.

He whispers, "I love you."

* * *

Kylo wakes filled with uncertainty. He had promised Rey he would take her to Vren today, but would she still want to go after the events of last night? If she does wish to visit the planet, he must make preparations. It's early; he doesn't want to wake her to ask. She needs her sleep after last night.

He decides he will carry on with his original intentions. He must inform Vitok, Natan, and Wylan that they need to make themselves ready to accompany them to Vren. Jashad and Palek will still be dealing with Qree. For one satisfying moment he considers ordering Jashad and Palek to kill the criminal once they have the location of Lann Tren, but he knows that if Rey were ever to discover that he had done that … well, it would not go well for him.

He begins to ready himself for the day. Rey had seemed so excited at the prospect of leaving the ship … but now he has no idea what she needs. All he knows is that he will do everything he possibly can to help put her back together.

* * *

Kylo knocks at her door and waits. He knocks again, softly, remembering how he had woken her the other morning. If she doesn't answer, he will come back again in an hour. He's about to do just that when the door opens half-way and he finds Rey looking … worried. Her hair is tied back and she's again in a plain tunic and leggings.

"Good morning, Rey … you seem concerned."

"Don't be mad."

"What?"

"Just, don't be mad, okay?" she says as she opens her door wider. Kylo sees … a stormtrooper in her sitting room? He strides into her rooms and the door slides closed.

"Rey?" he asks warningly. Why is she entertaining a stormtrooper in her quarters?

"This is Kes, well KS-2153. She's my … friend."

This _friend_ is standing rigidly at attention. Good.

"Your _friend_?" he asks in disbelief. Though the fact that the trooper is female calms him somewhat.

"Well, yeah … I mean, they're out there all day. Who else was I supposed to talk to?"

Kylo suddenly realizes that he has no wish to have this _conversation_ in front of a stormtrooper.

"KS-2153!" he barks. Rey looks at him sharply.

"Yes, sir!" the unfortunate soldier responds.

"You will return to your post. And you _will_ be dealt with later," Kylo growls.

Rey says, "Kes, don't worry, I'll talk to him." Oh she will, will she?

The stormtrooper moves swiftly through the door and it shuts behind her.

"You _cannot_ make _friends_ with the stormtroopers."

"First, I'm not talking to you while you have that stupid helmet on."

Kylo huffs in frustration but he goes to his table and removes his helmet and gloves quickly. He turns to Rey and finds her with her hands on her hips. She's ready to _fight_.

"Now Rey, it is completely inappropriate for you to be fraternizing with the troopers. You must cease this immediately," he says. He feels his tone is quite reasonable, all things considered.

"What? No! I like Kes. They're just people."

"They are not people, they are stormtroopers." He must put a stop to this.

"Oh that's rich coming from Mr. Free-the-Galaxy. Of _course_ they're people. Finn is my best friend. Anyway, that's why we started talking."

Marvelous. The traitor. This just keeps getting better and better.

"What do you mean?" Kylo asks suspiciously.

"The second day I was here I opened the door and tried to talk with them. All they would say was 'do you require anything, miss?'" She says the last in a mocking tone.

"Good, that's the way they're _supposed_ to behave." He's certain he wouldn't have had these problems with _clones_.

Rey rolls her eyes and continues, "Anyway, finally Kes actually _talked_ to me. She asked me if I knew what had happened to FN-2187. It turns out she … _likes_ him."

Not only is she making friends with stormtroopers, but she's _gossiping_ with them? Oh Maker, what has she _told_ them?

"This cannot be allowed to continue."

"Well if _you're_ going to keep them posted outside my door, _I'm_ going to keep talking to Kes. I told you, I like her. I _do_ need other people to talk to, you know."

That had never occurred to him. He doesn't talk to anyone―well, anyone but Rey.

He reaches up and rubs the bridge of his nose. Since he woke up all he's done is prepare for Vren and worry for her. He simply is not prepared for the absurdity of this situation. He had anticipated a despondent, broken Rey. Her defiance is actually almost a relief.

Kylo sighs heavily. "And what have you told her of our … relationship?"

"Nothing. She's pretty scared of you, so she doesn't pry. We talk about what life is like for a stormtrooper mostly. Well, and Finn. She talks a lot about Finn. Do you know yet if he's okay?"

"No, I'm afraid nothing has come back yet. I'm sure I'll know soon."

"Oh. Alright." Worry flashes across her face.

Kylo walks closer to her. "You really must continue this … friendship?"

"Yes, Kylo. I _must_."

He supposes it's not a genuine problem. It's just … odd. Friends with a stormtrooper?

"While I do not particularly like it and find it _highly_ irregular, you may continue to speak with … Kes."

"Thank you so much for your permission. It's always lovely to be reminded that I'm your prisoner."

"Rey, I didn't mean it that way."

"Yes, you did! You were fully prepared to forbid it―I saw it in your eyes." Rey practically glares at him.

He sighs and says, "No, Rey, I wasn't. It just surprised me. I have no wish to control you."

Rey snorts and rolls her eyes again. "Right."

"I have explained on _numerous_ occasions that I only keep your door guarded because I cannot trust you to stay. That is the only restriction I have placed on you."

"You are like talking to a rock."

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Listen to what you just said: 'That is the only restriction I have placed on you'." Rey steps closer to him and her voice raises. "You shouldn't be _able_ to place restrictions on me at all! I am not a child. Maker knows I raised myself. No one has ever put 'restrictions' on me!"

"That's not how I meant it. I … I don't … I don't know what to do, Rey! If I thought you would stay with me, I would … I hate having to do that, I hate that you want to leave me," he says bitterly.

"I don't … I don't want to leave _you_ , Kylo. I just don't want to be your prisoner."

"Why must you insist on saying that?"

"Because it's the truth!" she yells.

Kylo sighs heavily. "Please, let's not fight. We've been doing so well these last two days."

"Only because _I_ choose not to point out everything you've done." Rey's tone is spiteful.

"Is that the only reason?" he asks fearfully. It can't be … the way she had touched him, let him comfort her … It had been _real_.

She glowers for a long time before she grudgingly says, "No."

Kylo lets out a shaky breath. For one horrible moment he had been terrified that she was going to, once again, cleave his heart in two. "Please, Rey. Last night was extremely difficult for you and I want very much to do whatever I can for you. If that is taking you to Vren, everything is ready. If that is standing here while you yell at me until you're hoarse, do keep at it. If you would prefer something else, please tell me."

Rey walks to the viewscreen. He's noticing that when she needs time to think she always goes to look out into space. He decides to let her think, going to stand next to her. Finally she turns to him and says, "I don't remember going to bed last night."

"No, you fell asleep … I carried you to your bed and let myself out."

"I was still in my clothes."

"Of course you were," he says in confusion.

"I just … you could have …"

Her hands flail and he suddenly _understands_ what she means.

"Rey, you think I would …" Kylo swallows and blinks furiously, deeply hurt that she would think that of him.

"I only wondered." She shrugs slightly.

He closes his eyes briefly and says in a low voice, "I promised you that I would not touch you unless you asked me to."

"I never would have known."

" _I_ would have known." His tone is firm and intense.

"Oh. Alright." Rey looks away. She's quiet for a moment and then says, "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," he says tightly.

"No … no, it's not. I … I think I already knew you wouldn't do that. I'm just … I'm not myself." The desolation is returning to her eyes and his own wounded feelings are forgotten.

"Rey … last night … are you alright?" he asks, drawing nearer.

Rey laughs. It is a hard, broken sound. "No, not even a little bit. Yelling at you helped." She smiles ruefully.

"Feel free to continue." The corner of his mouth lifts.

Rey's face grows serious. "No … I think I'd like to go to Vren. I need to _move_. I need to get out of my own head."

"Then we will go to Vren. I have arranged to have three of my knights accompany us."

"Why?"

"Security." If he is exceptionally lucky she will not push for more information.

"You need security? You're the most powerful Force user in the galaxy. But then I guess it wouldn't do for the Supreme Leader to be his own guard."

Kylo opts to not correct her assumption. Rey starts towards the door when he stops her.

"You'll want to bring something warmer; the weather changes quickly on Vren."

"Oh, alright. Just a moment."

She returns quickly, now wearing a deep burgundy wrap lined with ivory silk. There's something about how the rich color sets off her lips and the way the silk contrasts with her skin that makes Kylo's breath hitch.

"What―did I pick the wrong thing?" she asks nervously.

"No … quite the contrary. You … you look beautiful, Rey."

She looks away ... but she _smiles_.

* * *

Thank you to my genuine, kind, and generous beta and friend Meaghan M/Juulna. You are a queen.

Thank you my splendid readers! Meeting my fellow Reylos has been the very best part of all of this.

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	19. Chapter 19

They enter the hangar and Rey has again allowed him to escort her. He thinks he might offer to take her to walk the ship in the evenings so that he can feel her small hand in the crook of his elbow. This seems to be something she intends to continue doing.

Vitok, Wylan, and Natan are all waiting in front of his shuttle, standing at attention. She draws nearer to him as they approach the others.

They walk up the ramp and the knights follow. Rey turns her head to look at them but she doesn't say anything. She grows so quiet when out of her rooms, and he's not sure why. He gets her situated in the aft of the ship.

"I must confer with my knights," he tells her quietly.

"Are you ever going to introduce us?"

He pauses. He hadn't considered doing so, but there's no harm in it that he can see. "If you would like."

"Well, they're coming with us; I'd like to know who they are."

"Alright, Rey. I will … introduce you once we land."

He moves to the front of the shuttle where the knights have already taken their seats.

"You all remember your orders?" Kylo addresses the knights.

"Yes, Supreme Leader. We are to ensure the girl's safety," Vitok answers.

"And that she doesn't wander off," Wylan says under his breath. Kylo looks to Rey sharply, but she hasn't heard, focusing on studying the shuttle.

"Wylan Ren, do recall the specifications of your orders." He had been quite clear that the knights were _not_ to mention that their job is to ensure she comes _back_ with him. He won't lie to her if she asks directly, but he sincerely hopes that it doesn't come up.

Wylan takes a tad too long to answer and he does so grudgingly. "Yes … Supreme Leader."

Kylo looks to Natan and finds him watching Rey. Kylo's eyes narrow under his helmet but he doesn't remark upon it.

* * *

The shuttle descends on Prent, a small city on one of the coasts. Kylo selected Prent for its open-air market and nearby beach. He hopes it will please her.

They disembark and Rey takes her usual place by his side. He is fast growing used to how wonderful it feels to have her next him, how _right_ it is.

"Knights," he says.

They assemble in front of Kylo and Rey. "Rey, this is Vitok Ren," he says, gesturing to the shortest knight.

"And this," he continues, indicating Natan, "Is Natan Ren."

He does not need to gesture to the only knight left. "The last of my knights is Wylan Ren." Rey looks up at him at that. He obviously didn't hide his disdain.

"Uhm. Hello," she offers shyly, returning her gaze briefly to the knights as she greets them. She then looks back at Kylo and asks, "Do you all have to wear your masks?"

"Yes, Rey," he answers.

Rey frowns and worries her lower lip a bit. "Could I talk to you, just for a minute?" she asks, tugging his arm to pull him away.

He wonders what she wants. "Of course." He guides them to the edge of the starport.

"What is it, Rey?"

She looks up into his mask and her lovely eyes are full of _questioning_. "Do you all really have to wear your helmets? Really?"

"Yes, I do. They do."

"But … why?"

"Because … because that is our way."

"You feel so far away when you wear it. And the knights, not being able to see their faces ... I don't … I don't like it." She looks away.

"Rey, I'm sorry, but no. It would be inappropriate."

"We're away from the ship, no one here will understand, and they'll never see you again. I just … I like seeing your face."

He's not sure what to do. He doesn't want to set the precedent of the knights going maskless while on a mission. But she's said she likes seeing his face ...

She slides her hand down his arm and clasps his hand in hers. He's instantly transported to the memory of being with her in her rooms, their bare fingers tangling together.

"Please?" Rey asks.

Kylo sighs heavily, but he pulls his hand from hers and reaches up to remove his mask. He looks down at her and finds her smiling beautifully. She draws _very_ close and does something quite unexpected. She puts her arms around his neck and goes on her toes as she pulls him down to her. He's not sure where to focus, on how good it feels to have her body flush with his or on what it is that she will do next. Then she completely derails his brain as she presses her perfect lips to his cheek.

He can't think, he cannot _possibly_ think. All that there is is sensation and his head is swimming with the overwhelming feeling of her lips on him. _She's kissing him_. Her lips are warm and soft and he wants so badly to turn his head and capture her mouth with his; to finally _taste_ her. But he keeps himself in check.

Her lips linger against the sensitive skin of his face as she ghosts her mouth along his cheek and she breathes into his ear, "Thank you."

He can't help it―his eyes close and he's breathing raggedly. Her breath against his ear sends shivers up and down his spine and she's standing there with her cheek pressed against his. The Bond almost _purrs_ with pleasure. He clenches his helmet to his side and curls his other fist. It's taking all of his control to keep from crushing her to him. He wants to drop his mask and hold her tight against him, plunge his tongue into her mouth, take her, take her, _take her_. She places another sweet kiss on his jaw as she withdraws and his heart is beating wildly.

Kylo swallows and blinks, concentrating on breathing in and out, trying to pull himself together. She's invaded every one of his senses and he's having great difficulty finding his balance. She … she _kissed_ him. Twice.

Rey again wraps her fingers around his arm and pulls him gently. He finally remembers himself enough to recall the knights waiting. Watching. He clears his throat and walks them back to where the knights are gathered.

"For the duration we will be leaving our masks in the shuttle," he orders.

Wylan shakes his head and laughs.

"Is there an issue with my order, Wylan Ren?"

"Not at all, Supreme Leader. It's quite gratifying to see you so happy and … compliant."

Kylo immediately advances on Wylan, Rey's hand slipping from his arm. "Mind your tone, Wylan Ren."

Wylan reaches up and removes his own helmet and looks Kylo straight in the eyes. "I meant no disrespect, Supreme Leader."

"Hmm." Kylo returns to stand by Rey, who looks curiously between the two rivals. Once again, her small hand comes up around his arm. He hopes that she'll do that all day.

Vitok and Natan both quietly remove their masks.

* * *

Kylo and Rey are walking amongst the stalls of the market, the knights keeping a respectful distance.

He's acutely aware that everyone can see his face. The weather is cool, but pleasant, and the feel of the breeze continually startles him. Rey keeps looking around quickly, as if she's trying to take everything in. There are dozens of different life-forms and all manner of wares on display.

Kylo watches keenly for what catches her eye. Thus far she has been drawn most frequently by bright colors. She had run her fingers along bolts of richly-hued silks and lingered over several necklaces. One had been nearly identical to a piece of jewelry he already has hidden away in his rooms. He thinks perhaps he will give it to her tonight if things continue to go so well.

"Oh!" Rey exclaims as she drops his arm and rushes forward. Kylo follows quickly, alarmed at how swiftly she's disappearing into the crowd. She darts between the beings and he loses her for a moment. He's panicking, but then he catches a flash of her burgundy wrap. He strides forward and finds her playing with a puzzle of some kind. He wants to demand that she stay by his side, but he's trying to make her understand that she's not his prisoner. He takes a deep breath, recovering from the spike of adrenaline.

"Look!" she says excitedly, holding up a collection of metal rings attached to each other. He watches as she makes short work of pulling the rings apart and soon she has a stack of them. She grins triumphantly. A young woman with ivory skin and a pattern of pale aqua swirls scattered across her face stands by the stall. She keeps an eye on the new customers but is focused on a small group of children.

"There was a woman on Jakku who used to make puzzles like these to sell at the pavilion in Niima. She used to let me help her when I was too small to scavenge much." Rey is nearly vibrating with glee.

"You like puzzles?"

"Oh yes, the more complicated the better! Here, you try!" She thrusts a collection of triangles into his hands. "You're supposed to untangle them from each other, like with the rings."

Kylo has never really cared for puzzles, but he makes an honest attempt. He pulls it this way and that and soon he's a bit frustrated. How did she do that so easily?

"Here, let me show you." She twists and turns the odd shapes and soon she's holding three triangles but he can't figure out how she _did_ it. Luckily she has already moved on to another puzzle, this one made out of wood. The knights have caught up with them.

Wylan approaches the table and picks up a wooden box. He starts to push and pull at small intricate boards and soon the box springs open.

"A puzzle box!" Rey is smiling at Wylan. Kylo does not like this development.

"Wylan Ren, I do believe that you are on duty," Kylo only just manages not to growl.

"Kylo, don't be silly. He can guard you just as well standing here as over there with Vitok and Natan."

The superior look on Wylan's face makes Kylo's blood boil. Now Wylan is showing her how to make the strange box work. Rey is _glowing_ and Kylo is growing very angry. She's not supposed to look at another man like that. That's supposed to only be for _him_. Maker knows he's had to work _quite_ hard for that smile.

"Wylan Ren," Kylo barks.

Wylan turns to him slowly and doesn't even bother to hide his contempt.

"You will return to the shuttle immediately," Kylo orders.

"Why? He didn't do anything wrong." Rey tilts her head in confusion.

"That is between myself and Wylan." Kylo holds Wylan's dark eyes and oh how he wants to show Wylan Ren _precisely_ why he should not have crossed him. But Rey is here and she wouldn't like it. Later, however ...

"But I've never seen puzzle boxes like these and he knows how they work! Anyway, isn't he here for your security?" she asks blithely.

Wylan turns back to her and remarks airily, "Oh, I'm not here for him. We're here to make sure _you_ don't run off." Wylan's eyes dart up and catch Kylo's. Wylan's expression is infuriatingly smug.

"What?" Rey gasps, sounding hurt. She immediately looks to Kylo for confirmation but Kylo freezes.

This is all falling apart incredibly quickly and Kylo is certain his expression has told Rey everything. He never could hide his feelings.

Kylo finds his voice. "Rey, I'm sorry. I just wanted to make sure that everything went smoothly."

"So they're just like the stormtroopers, then. I just have a longer leash here."

Kylo closes his eyes tightly for a moment. "No, I simply wanted to be sure you stayed with me."

She looks him straight in the eye and he sees … loathing. Then, before he knows what has happened, she's off like a shot. She quickly turns a corner and he's about to tear after her when he feels a hand grab him roughly.

"Kylo, no!" Vitok implores.

"Vitok Ren, you will unhand me. Now," Kylo demands icily as he lifts his hand, about to Force choke her.

"Wylan, Natan, go after her, keep her in sight but let her wander," Vitok orders hurriedly, jerking her head in the direction Rey ran. Wylan and Natan look at each other for a moment and then begin to move quickly, soon out of sight.

Why is Vitok behaving like this? Rey is getting away! He keeps his hand up but does not squeeze, vividly remembering choking Demyan.

"Listen to me, please listen to me. If you go after her and drag her back she's going to _hate_ you," Vitok's intelligent eyes bore into his.

Hate him? If she hated him she could simply refuse to talk with him … the thought fills him with terror.

"Why do you think that?" Kylo asks warily as he drops his hand. He knows he's allowing Vitok far too much lenience, but what if she's right?

"I was there when you captured her. I know she isn't here willingly and I also know what you hope to build with her. You can't keep her in a cage."

"She's not in a cage!" he burst out angrily. Why does everyone think that he's keeping her in a cage?

"Supreme Leader … Kylo, will you allow me to help you?"

He thinks for a moment then nods stiffly.

Vitok visibly relaxes. "From what the ship's gossip tells me, you've got her trapped in her quarters, guarded by a dozen stormtroopers. That's a cage. I imagine it certainly _feels_ like one."

"What else was I supposed to do? She will try to escape otherwise. It took me months, Vitok, _months_ to find her. I can't … I can't bear to lose her. I just can't."

"You'll lose her in all the ways that matter if you keep doing this to her."

"Well what do you suggest? I won't let her go. I won't!" he says vehemently before taking a breath. "I … I _can't_ ," he says plaintively.

Vitok's eyes are warm and compassionate. She's about to speak when her comm chirps. "Yes?" she says into the small device.

"We have her in sight," Natan's voice says.

"Good. What's she doing?" Vitok asks.

"She didn't go far. She's only sitting on some steps," Natan answers.

"How does she seem?" Kylo asks worriedly, but he's too far from the comm.

Vitok looks up, her brown eyes considering. "Natan, how does she seem?"

"I believe she is crying."

"Where is she? I must go to her," Kylo insists.

Vitok holds up a placating hand. Into her comm she says, "Keep your distance, don't stop her, let her go wherever she wants. And for Maker's sake, don't let her _see_ you." Vitok clicks off her comm.

"You are going to stay here and wait for her to come back," Vitok says firmly.

"No, she's hurting. I _have_ to go to her."

"Yes, she _is_ hurting. _You_ hurt her."

"That was _never_ my intention," he says, his face stricken. She's already so fragile after the devastating meeting with Qree … He's sick with the thought that he's caused her more pain.

"I know. But you need to make some changes for her and part of that is that you must allow her to come back on her own. If you want her to trust you, you need to start trusting _her_."

"But she ran from me for months. I _won't_ take the chance of losing her."

"Do you want to have to keep her guarded for the rest of her life?" Vitok asks keenly.

"No, of course not." Vitok is making many of the same assumptions Rey made and it confuses him.

"Then you're going to have to give her the opportunity to choose to _stay_."

Kylo shakes his head. "She wouldn't, not yet. My hope is that, in time, she will want to stay with me."

Vitok's face softens and she says, "From what I saw back at the starport, she obviously cares for you. Find a middle ground. _Talk_ with her."

His gaze shifts to the stalls as he contemplates Vitok's advice. Hearing that Rey cares for him should reassure him, but having her away from him like this ... it's bringing back the helpless feeling of his _months_ of searching. The prospect of losing her makes him afraid in a way he's never known. Finally he looks back to Vitok and asks, "You really think she will return?"

"I do."

"And if she doesn't?" He's fairly certain that even if she stole a ship he would be able to apprehend her quickly.

"Then we'll reassess."

Kylo grows silent, thinking hard. The need to find her is intense. He hadn't realized just how much it had calmed him to always know where she is. The fact that she was safe in her quarters, a quick walk from wherever he found himself … it had quieted much of the roiling fury of the Bond. Without that knowledge, he's again plagued with that desperate feeling that had stalked him for nearly a year.

But if what Vitok says is true, that Rey needs him to trust her ... She _had_ said she would promise not to escape. He wishes now that he had listened.

"Alright Vitok. We will wait."

* * *

It's been nearly an hour, and he and Vitok have simply stood near the stall of puzzles. The proprietor has occasionally looked over at them, but has not approached them. Any number of questions about what to do in regards to Rey have run through his mind, but he has remained silent. Vitok has left him to his thoughts.

Vitok's comm comes alive.

"She's heading back your way," Natan's smooth voice states.

"Good, keep your distance," Vitok responds.

A few minutes later he sees Rey walking through the crowd. She stops in front of him, not too close. She seems almost … resigned.

"Rey …" Kylo says, his tone laced with his profound relief at seeing her again.

She doesn't say anything, just looks up at him. Her expression is vacant.

"Rey … may I speak with you?" He will attempt to follow Vitok's advice.

"I guess." Rey shrugs.

"Will you walk with me?"

"Fine," she says shortly.

Kylo hesitantly offers her his arm, hoping she will again place her hand in the crook of his elbow. She doesn't take it. He looks down briefly but nods his acceptance. He gestures for her to come with him.

He leads her away from the market, taking her closer to the ocean. There is a long promenade that stretches along beach. He beckons for her to sit on the low wall that separates the sands from the walkway. She looks up at him for a moment before taking her seat. Kylo sits next to her, careful to leave an appropriate amount of space between them.

"I'm sorry," Kylo says sincerely, waiting until he has caught her eyes.

"For what?" Her expression is hard.

"For not telling you about why I had my knights accompany us."

"But not for bringing them in the first place?"

Kylo purses his lips. "I'm sorry for that, too."

"Are you really?" she challenges.

He sighs and looks at his hands. He wants to find the right words to fix this. Last night had been such a blow to her and he had wanted this trip to be of help. But it's all spiraled so out control. He looks into her cold face and says, "What I am truly sorry for is that I hurt you."

Rey's expression softens a fraction but it's soon replaced with sorrow. "You've never even _asked_ me if I would stay. You just assumed I would run away," she says quietly.

"Won't you?" He's not soon to forget how she constantly rejected his entreaties.

"No. No, Kylo, I won't." Rey holds his eyes as she speaks.

She'll stay? But why this change ...

"And why not?"

"Because of my parents. I'm not going anywhere."

"Ah. And once we find your parents?" He should have known it had nothing to do with him.

"I ... I don't know. But will you trust me to stay until then?"

Kylo looks away. He's not surprised by how much it hurts that she only wishes to stay because of her parents. At least this is familiar; he's used to her throwing away his devotion. But if it buys him time with her—time in which she will no longer accuse him of keeping her prisoner—he will take it. He will simply have to win her before they find them. Besides, he can always post the stormtroopers again if she seems likely to run from him.

"Yes, Rey. I will trust you. I will have the guards removed from your door."

"Really?" She clearly had not expected him to agree.

"Yes, Rey … really."

"Thank you, Kylo." A soft, genuine smile spreads across her face. He thinks this smile might be one of his favorites.

She reaches for his hand and laces her fingers through his. He wishes he were not wearing his gloves, but after the harrowing hour of her being away from him, the solidity of her touch is a balm. She strokes her thumb along the back of his hand and the wonderful calmness is returning.

"You're welcome, Rey," he murmurs.

Rey looks out on the ocean, keeping her hand in his. He revels in the feel of their fingers entwined. She's here, she came back, she will stay.

"Would the beach be a good place to learn how to make fire with the Force?" Rey asks suddenly.

He had forgotten entirely that she had said she would let him teach her. "Actually, yes. Not much for you to burn down."

Rey rolls her eyes, but she stands, pulling him with her. "Come on, then."

* * *

They're on the beach. The ocean is a steel gray and the fog has rolled in. The thick scent of the salty air reminds him strongly of Demyan's pyre and he pushes the recent memory away. He knows that soon there will be flame, but he will not allow himself to focus on anything other than Rey. She's sitting in the sand with her hand over a small pile of dried grass he had collected from the low dunes. Kylo stands above her.

"It's different than using the Force to levitate an object. You aren't … pulling at the Force in the same way. You're almost … exciting it. Focus on the grass and _feel_ it burn," Kylo instructs.

Rey's brows knit together and she concentrates on the bits of sea grass. They vibrate slowly and begin to quiver.

"Not quite―you don't want the grass to move, you need to go deeper," he corrects.

"Deeper?"

"Yes … you're manipulating the Force within the grass, not without."

Rey frowns and tries again. This time the grass remains stationary and he sees a wisp of smoke curl up from the dried vegetation. Her expression intensifies but no more smoke is forthcoming.

"It's not working," she says, frustrated.

He remembers how it had taken him the entire visit home for Leia Organa to teach him to do this. But perhaps he and Rey have an easier way. "I have an idea … but I'm not sure you will like it."

"What is it?"

"We could use the Bond," he offers cautiously.

Rey looks up at him warily. "Use the Bond how?"

"Through the Bond I believe that I will be able to show you how it feels to call fire with the Force. If you open it, you should be able to sense what I'm doing then recreate the same effect on your own."

"Oh." She looks out at the ocean for a long time. Then she takes a deep breath and says, "Okay."

He's not sure what she'll think about how precisely he hopes to use the Bond. "You will need to allow yourself to come into me the way you did that night … when you bade me stay quiet." She'd also done it the night she'd discovered his … coping mechanism, but he's not going to remind her of that. He's managed to keep away from his blade for quite some time.

Rey looks up sharply and her eyes fill with ... shame? She's ashamed of that glorious night she came to him? He blinks and looks away. That memory is precious to him, the way she had swirled within him had comforted him so. That she feels like that … Perhaps this was not a good idea.

"Never mind. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. We'll continue to work on this―it will come in time," he backtracks quickly.

"No … it's alright. I just … I was weak that night."

"Weak." She thinks of that night as a failure of some kind? He hates being reminded of how far apart they are.

"Yes. It was always very difficult to keep the Bond closed. I've told you that you weren't wrong, that I feel it, too," she says softly. "That night … I felt … badly for how our last conversation had gone. I _always_ felt badly for how it would go. I …. missed you." She shakes her head. "I shouldn't have done it."

She'd missed him? "And now, is it difficult to keep it closed?" He crouches down next to her.

"Sometimes. But being near you, it's almost as if the Bond is … satisfied in some way?"

"Yes … I feel something similar."

"I would like to try this. Please."

"Alright, Rey." Still crouched next to her, he holds his hand over the dried grass. "Are you ready?"

"Yes."

The Bond opens and he shudders as he feels her flow into him. It's _intense_. Echoes of her feelings are swirling along the Bond; she's still in such anguish. For a moment he thinks it's because of him, but it has the same quality as what she had let through last night. Her _mother_ … she's obviously been putting on a brave face. He wonders if he should stop this now, talk with her. But she had said this morning that she wished to 'get out of her own head'. He decides to leave it be … for now. He will provide her the distraction she has said she needs.

He focuses on the task at hand and gathers the Force, trying to broadcast precisely how he is manipulating the bits of grass. Quickly, the grass sparks and catches fire. He feels Rey withdraw and he already misses her. He wonders what it will be like when she trusts him enough to simply leave the Bond open. The thought of having her constantly present is _heady_. He carefully suppresses what this brief moment of having the Bond entirely open has done to him.

He looks at Rey―her eyes are wide and her chest is rising quickly. Could she be as affected as he is?

"Did you feel how the Force was moving within me?" Kylo asks.

"Y-yes," she stutters.

"What is it?"

"I … I've never felt anything like that. You're so … you're so _powerful_." She looks almost … afraid.

"I suspect that with training you will be as well."

"Training …" Her eyes grow wistful.

"You know I will show you anything that you wish to know."

"No," she says firmly.

He catches her eyes and holds them for a long moment before nodding. He silently gathers together another pile of the dried sea grass.

"Are you ready to try again?"

"Yes."

She holds her hand over the grass and her face grows focused. Her lovely fingers twitch slightly and he watches for any sign of success. At first there is nothing but then the grass is suddenly engulfed in a large ball of flame.

"You did it!" he exclaims. He looks over to find joy filling her face. He smiles.

"I did!" Her lively eyes sparkle. "I want to do it again!" she says excitedly.

He gathers together another mound so that she may continue to practice. Soon she will change her mind and let him train her; she's too eager to learn. He can see, vividly, how she will blossom and bloom under his tutelage. He will show her _everything_ and she will rule the galaxy by his side.

* * *

Thank you to my simply marvelous friend and beta, Meaghan M/Juulna, who always knows just where to tweak. It's like she's psychic. If there's ever something I'm just not sure of, she always finds it and pokes it in the perfect way.

Thank you readers, I am so grateful for every hit, follow, favorite, and review.

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: My apologies for being unable to post a new chapter last Monday. RL decided to get persnickety. We're back on track and Monday updates shall continue as normal. Thank you!**

* * *

They're back aboard his shuttle, returning to the _Finalizer_. They had spent the afternoon practicing on increasingly difficult targets until she was able to light a large piece of driftwood on fire. She had not wanted to visit any of the remote areas of Vren, choosing instead to keep training. Of course Kylo can't call it that, but he's certain that she will continue to let him teach her.

They're sitting side-by-side in the aft of his shuttle and his mask remains off. She's spent most of the short trip looking out the viewscreen. He's missing the feeling of her fingers pressed against his arm and he's fantasizing about reaching over and taking her hand. He suppresses a shudder as he remembers her whispering her fingertips against the sensitive skin of his wrist.

The shuttle is docking when Rey looks at him and says, "I guess you'll be taking me back to my rooms now." Her eyes are wistful.

"What's wrong?" he asks in concern.

"I just … I'm not … I guess I'm not ready to be ca- cooped up in there again."

He doesn't want to make her unhappy, but he's not sure what alternatives he has. He's certainly not going to take her to the Officer's Mess. However …

"Would you like to dine in my quarters instead?"

Her eyes go wide and then she looks away. She's quiet as she nibbles at her bottom lip nervously. Finally her eyes return to his and she asks, "Your quarters?"

"It was only a thought." He's wishing he hadn't offered. He rarely allows anyone into his quarters and her timidity is making him feel foolish.

"No … it would be nice to be in another part of the ship … to see where you live." She gives him a small smile that fills his chest with gentle warmth.

"Then that is what we shall do." He smiles back at her.

He had planned on escorting her to her quarters and returning to her after he had had a … _conversation_ with Wylan Ren. He's not likely to soon forget what Wylan had nearly cost him. But he will always try and accommodate anything that she desires. Wylan can wait.

* * *

He's again wearing his helmet and they're at his door. He removes his gloves, about to place his hand on the scanner, when he hears her snort.

"Something amuses you?"

"You have access to _my_ quarters; you can come and go as you please."

"I _have_ been knocking."

"Sure, but it's hardly fair, is it?"

The thought is … unsettling. _No one_ has access to his quarters but himself. He's even disabled the emergency override. But Vitok _had_ said that the more he trusts her, the more that Rey will trust him and she had been right on Vren. He wonders … he keys in the code.

"Place your hand on the scanner."

"What? I was kidding."

"Even so, you are correct."

"I … I don't need you to do this."

"And yet, I am offering." He tilts his head as he looks into her hazel eyes, more brown than green in this light.

She looks up into his mask for a moment then lifts her hand hesitantly. How he wants to press her fingers against the screen, as he had that first night. He has grown better at handling the onslaught of sensation when their bare flesh touches, but he never stops craving it. He watches as she splays her hand against the scanner. Her fingers are slender, tapered at the tips. It's impossible for him to watch them without remembering how they feel twined with his own or trailing along his cheek.

The device signals its acceptance and she pulls her hand away quickly, thrusting it behind her back. He considers asking her to open his door with her new credentials but she seems skittish. As he gains entry to his rooms he feels a ghost of warmth, a fleeting reminder of her palm against the scanner. He had thought being able to feel her hand tucked in the crook of his arm would have quieted the Bond, quenched his thirst, but it only taunts him further. The more she gives, the more he perceives how desperately he needs her.

He motions for her to precede him and she moves into his quarters. She stops in the entryway and looks around. His rooms have a similar layout to her own. His private sanctuary a mirror to her training room. He won't be showing her _that_ room, where he keeps his treasures. Treasures of her. Treasures _for_ her. Grandfather's mask. She wouldn't understand.

Where her quarters are full of light and greenery, his are dark and sterile. There is nothing decorative to be found. He goes to the table by the door, twin to the one in her rooms. His helmet and gloves go to their customary home.

She wanders further into his sitting room, finding a low couch with two chairs opposite, not unlike her own seating area. But these are black and covered in leather. As in her quarters, there is a dining area in the corner and a large viewscreen.

"I hadn't realized … I hadn't realized how much you had changed in my rooms. Everything I've seen of the ship is so … dark," she says as she looks around.

"I didn't think you would like that. Was I wrong?"

"No … no. You weren't wrong. I … I objected to being your prisoner, not to the rooms themselves." She suddenly looks alarmed and her eyes go to his. "You did mean it, right? No more stormtroopers at my door?"

"Yes, Rey. I meant it. When I escort you back this evening, I will dismiss them."

"They haven't been standing there all day, have they?"

"No … they were to resume their post once we landed."

"So they're just standing there right _now_?"

"I suppose so."

"Well go relieve them!" she insists.

"It hardly matters."

"Of course it matters! They're literally standing out there for no reason." She's getting that look again, the one he's beginning to learn means that she'll likely start yelling soon.

"Alright, Rey." He doesn't really want to leave her alone in his quarters but he can't see any real danger.

He goes back to the entryway and replaces his helmet. He doesn't bother with his gloves.

"I will return in a moment."

He strides down the hall and finds the stormtroopers at her door, as they should be. They draw themselves up, standing at attention.

"You are all dismissed. Return to your battalion for new duties."

Rey's guards turn and are marching down the hall when he has a thought. He barks out, "KS-2153, you will stay."

"Sir," she says shakily.

"KS-2153," Kylo addresses the terrified trooper.

"Forgive me, Supreme Leader. I never should have overstepped, never should have talked to her," she rushes to say.

"That is not why I wish to speak with you."

"Yes, sir."

"You and Rey have become … friends."

"Yes, sir," the trooper acknowledges.

"I do not wish her to be … lonely. Your duties will now include spending a portion of each day with her." There, that's not precisely having her guarded.

KS-2153's shoulders sag in relief for just a moment before she is again standing straight. "Yes, sir."

"Dismissed."

The stormtrooper moves quickly away and Kylo hears the click of her boots as she makes her way down the corridor. He stands, thinking. He doesn't like the idea of her rooms unguarded. She has said she will not attempt to escape and he believes her, tentatively. However, he had taken comfort knowing she was … looked after. Perhaps if he assigns a team to keep her under surveillance … she would never know. Yes, that is what he will do.

* * *

Kylo finds her sitting on the low couch. He again removes his helmet and returns it to its table. As he's moving to the sitting area she looks up at him and smiles. He stands for a moment, simply looking at her in his private space. The contrast of her golden skin and her pale tunic against the dark leather makes her seem like a beacon. She is his light and he wants to find her always waiting for him like this.

He sits next to her and must tamp down the strong urge to pull her into his arms. Remembering himself is becoming more difficult now that she has begun to soften. Her cheeks have more color after spending the day outside, and a few tendrils of her hair have escaped their confinement. He wants to reach out and tuck them behind her ear, feel the silk between his fingers.

She leans towards him and purposefully catches his eyes. "Thank you."

She's holding his eyes and he's having trouble focusing. It feels positively unnatural to have her so close and yet not feel her against him. "For what?" he asks, a slight quaver in his voice.

"For taking me to Vren. For dismissing the stormtroopers … for _listening_ to me." Her eyes are warm and open … she's never looked at him like this before.

"You're welcome. I know I should have listened to you earlier, when you tried to tell me you would stay." Just being able to say that she will stay quiets something in him.

"Well, you did listen … eventually." She smiles slightly and keeps looking at him with a new intensity. He feels himself lean closer, the pull of her wrapping around him. He can almost feel how she had pressed her soft lips against his cheek. Her simple tunic has the top two buttons open and his eyes flit to where he can just see the slight swell of her breasts. He forces himself to look back into her eyes. But it's no use; months of fantasies are spinning through him. The endless hours spent imagining her beneath his fingers, beneath his body flood his mind. He swallows and he knows if he reached for her, his hands would be shaking.

She shifts, angling her body so that she's facing him fully, holding his eyes as she moves. Stars, she's so beautiful. He's trembling with the need to touch her, to _drown_ in her. Something about spending the day with her tucked next to him, having her choose to stay, it has made his promise not to touch her seem like a dim memory and he's having to continually remind himself that he must not pull her to him. He must not cover her mouth with his. He must not slide his hands over her skin. No, what he must do is _control_ himself. He breathes in sharply as he consciously sits back, putting distance between them. It's almost painful. "Would you like something to drink?" His voice sounds strangled.

Rey blinks and takes in a shuddering breath. Oh Force, she's feeling it, too. "Yes. I … I've been enjoying the wines you've been sharing with me."

He knows he should get up, get their drinks, but he can't bring himself to break her orbit. "I'm glad, Rey. You must know how much I wish to please you."

"Yes … I … I don't quite know what to do with it, honestly." Her hands flutter in her lap.

"What do you mean?" He's leaning forward again. How much longer will she demand this of him?

"You … you're very intense. No one has ever put so much _effort_ into me before. The closest I've ever experienced is …" She trails off. She looks away and he feels the loss of her eyes. She shifts away from him.

She's closing herself off again and he panics slightly. "What? Please tell me."

"No, you'll just get angry." She pulls herself back even further and he's desperate to coax her back.

"I won't, I promise I won't." Begging, begging, always begging.

She looks back at him, holding his eyes for a long time before saying, "Leia. Leia was very kind to me." That name douses his ardor and now he's the one to look away, his jaw tightening.

"I know that you have … issues with your mother, but she was the first person to ever show me what it might have been like to have a real family."

He clenches his hands into fists but then he remembers Rey. He's not surprised that Leia Organa was good to his beloved, not really. In a way he's almost grateful that Rey has had someone to care for her. He keeps himself from tipping into memory.

"Kylo …"

He returns his gaze to her. "Yes?"

"I would like to ask you something." She pulls at the hem of her tunic.

"What is it?" he asks warily.

Rey takes in a deep breath and tilts her head to the side. "Why are you so angry with your mother?"

"She is _not_ my mother," he snaps.

Rey purses her lips. "Yes, she is. You might hate her, but she's still your mother. And frankly, you're lucky to have her."

"You're welcome to her," he says thoughtlessly.

Rey looks down at her lap and her shoulders fall as she begins to draw into herself. His eyes close tightly for a moment. Why must he always say the wrong thing?

"Rey, I didn't think. That was … that was cruel of me." He tries to catch her eyes but she turns further away.

"It doesn't matter," she dismisses.

"Yes it does. I'm sorry." How easily those words tumble from his lips when he's with her. He can't recall apologizing to anyone but Rey.

Rey shrugs and she continues to look at her hands. He's hurt her and he needs to fix this. He reaches for her before remembering and pulling his hand back. A spike of ire runs through him at this preposterous situation. She needs him, he _knows_ she does. If she would just let him _touch_ her he knows the hum of their skin together would soothe this hurt, bind these bleeding wounds Qree has left seeping from her. The silence grows and he's angry at himself for being careless with his words. Again.

Not knowing what else to do, he stands and goes to his wine cabinet. He selects a deep emerald wine that tastes of citrus. He fills their glasses and returns to Rey. She's still hunched over but she looks up briefly as she takes her wine. She holds it in her hands, not taking a sip, just staring vacantly into her glass.

He joins her again and takes a deep breath. Perhaps if he opens himself to her, she will open herself to him. "I'm _angry_ with her because she lied to me for my whole life. I think you know how important my grandfather is to me, and because of _her,_ I was never able to know of him until I was 23. They raised me to believe that they were fixing the galaxy, Rey. But once I began to travel with Skywalker, I saw that she was part of a corrupt system that only benefits the chosen few," he says with disdain. "She never wanted to help _anyone_ ; she just wanted to undo everything Grandfather managed out of _spite_. She's weak, selfish … a coward. I was kept from my true destiny, fed lies … I can _never_ forgive her for that."

"But … she loves you," Rey whispers, her gaze still trained on the drink in her hands.

Somehow her quiet words push through all of his protection and pierces the wall of resentment he keeps around his heart. For one stark moment he remembers loving brown eyes and warm embraces before he's fiercely cataloguing _that woman's_ sins, wrapping himself in his seething fury.

"She loves a foolish, blind boy who no longer exists."

Rey finally looks up at him. He should be relieved, but he's too focused on keeping himself from completely losing his temper. She says softly, "I don't think that's true. Ben Solo is still in there. I _felt_ him."

He clenches his teeth against the need to correct her. That was never his name. Instead he shakes his head and says, "No, Rey, he's dead and buried. I had no need of him so I cast him off." Kylo takes a long drink from his wine, barely tasting it.

"You didn't, though. Not as completely as you think. You're still him."

"You have no real understanding of what you're saying. I promise you, I am not."

"I think I do. I might have believed that Kylo Ren is all that you are, once, but not after nearly a year of feeling you … and not after that night, after Demyan … No, I held Ben Solo as he cried in my arms."

"I was _never_ Ben Solo."

"Yes, you were. You _are_ Ben Solo."

"Ben Organa!" he spits out.

"What?"

"If you must insist on speaking of a dead boy, at least use the correct name. My mo-" He stops himself and growls angrily. " _Leia Organa_ gave m- gave _him_ her name. Ben Organa."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know. Leia never told me."

"Yes, well. It was tradition on Alderaan that boys follow the mother's line and girls the father's."

"I see. Ben Organa then. That doesn't change the fact that your mother loves you very, very much."

"I suppose there is nothing I can do to stop her," he says with derision.

Rey looks at him with something approaching disgust before asking, "Do you have any idea, the barest comprehension of what I would give to have had Leia as a mother?"

He doesn't know what to say to that. As much as he despises that woman, he can't avoid the truth that she never abandoned him, never left him to _starve_. Measuring with Rey's scale pushes him somewhere uncomfortable.

"Last night I found out that my mother dumped me on Jakku because the spice was more important to her than me. That low-life told her to get rid of me and she _did_ ," Rey says, holding his eyes with her fierce gaze. She breaks the contact as she leans forward to place her still untouched wine on the low table in front of his couch. She sits back and returns her attention to him.

"Do you know what it was like to grow up on Jakku? I know you _think_ you do. You have your holos, stories from my life, bits and pieces of facts, but you have no _idea_ what it's like to be _hungry_." She leans forward and her hazel eyes have him pinned.

"Every stars-be-damned day I was hungry. Not like missing a meal or two hungry, but a hunger that _never_ leaves you. It doesn't matter how much food I have now, I will _always_ be hollow. It haunts me. It _hunts_ me. Days and days I would go without food. It was hardest when I was a child." She narrows her eyes at him and then he feels as she opens the Bond.

He gasps as her emptiness engulfs him. She floods him with a cascade of memories, flashes of her as a girl, clutching her belly, crying herself to sleep, so weak she could barely walk, but dragging herself through hulking metal carcasses.

Memory after memory sizzles through his brain, scouring his senses with the raw brutality of her life. He can't even decipher most of them, but oh he can feel them. Rey's howling history seems to have passed when one clear memory pulls him down. A vicious sandstorm had caught her far from her AT-AT and she'd been trapped in a mid-sized craft with only her canteen and half a portion. She appears to be just reaching adolescence. He watches helplessly as she eats her final bite, drinks her last swallow of water. He feels her fear as the sands pound against the hull relentlessly and the days stretch.

Her thirst rips at his own throat as she painstakingly traces the ship's systems, finally making her way to the central water supply. He feels her triumph as she breaks into the holding tank and finds it full. He knows what it is to escape with his life, but not to feel death stalking him for days. He's never felt relief like this. But the storm rages on, and he watches as the hunger makes her weaker with each day. Her eyes become dull and her glowing skin turns sallow.

At last the storm subsides and she has just enough strength to pull herself from her shelter. She stumbles out into the harsh Jakku sun and collapses into the hot sand. She drifts in and out of consciousness before he feels as gentle hands drag her onto a speeder of some kind. Then there's nothing. The Bond closes and he's breathing quickly—the harrowing memory has left him reeling.

He thought he'd known desperation. He thought he'd known betrayal. He knows nothing of suffering, nothing of what it is to be failed. He blinks quickly, attempting to orient himself. His rooms come back into focus and he finds Rey's eyes boring into him.

"I would have _died_ if someone hadn't found me. And that's just one of a litany of horrors that would have had you on your knees. My _mother_ did that to me. She should have just killed me, but instead she left me to _that_. So forgive me, _Ben Organa,_ if I find it a bit much to take that you're angry that your mother _lied_ to you." Rey is breathing hard, her eyes flashing with such anguish and rage.

Kylo is frozen—he hadn't known, dear Maker, he hadn't _known_. He knew her life had been difficult, but this … He can't speak. Everything he can think of to say sounds profane in the face of the purity of her torment. He looks at her, seeing her defiant mask, understanding just a bit of what she hides under her strength.

Finally he offers something wholly inadequate. "I should have come for you."

"What?" she asks in confusion.

"I don't _care_ that I was a boy myself when she left you. I should have known, _I should have come for you_. Somehow, I should have _known_." He's struggled with this feeling since he first began to see the extent of her pain. He's spent nights raging, pacing and powerless. He'd had to resort to his blade on more than one occasion to quiet the storm. What good is the Force if it didn't help him rescue that which is most precious to him?

"How could you have?" she asks, her anger fading, replaced by bewilderment.

"I don't know, Rey, but I will always feel that I failed you." Images of a young Rey, far too thin, snag at his heart. He looks into her lovely eyes and he feels the fierce need to wrap her in his arms and _never_ let her go. Seeing her memories, it's as if time has ceased to have meaning. He doesn't care that it's illogical, he should have known!

He shakes his head in frustration. She's been through too much, and the more he learns the clearer he sees the scars stretched taught along her soul. There's nothing he can do about her past, but she's _his_ now and she will only know safety and comfort for the rest of her days.

He _needs_ her to understand what he's feeling, how he would do _anything_ to change her life on Jakku. He goes to crouch in front of her. His sudden movement startles her and her eyes grow wary. Holding her gaze, he carefully places his hands on either side of her so as not to touch her.

He says in a low voice, "Knowing that you were suffering like that … that the _one person_ who matters most to me in the entire galaxy was desperate, alone, hurting, _starving_ … I should have known, I should have sensed. I am so sorry, sweetheart."

Rey has gone very still and her nearly primal fury has left her. Her eyes are enormous and she looks like she might start crying. He's worried that he's frightened her. He begins to pull back, about to stand when she grabs his hands in hers. "Do you mean it?"

"Do I mean what?"

"That I'm the most important person in the galaxy to you?" Her lip trembles and he doesn't understand this reaction.

"Yes, Rey. Yes, I mean it." Oh, if she only knew how much he means it.

An almost shy smile pulls at her mouth. She looks away and nods slightly but she's still smiling. He's confused; he doesn't know how to interpret her behavior. She looks back to him and releases his hands. It's all he can do to keep from snatching them back, pulling her to him, comforting her. Comforting _him_. He knows he should draw back from her as the fraught feelings have left him shaken and his already frayed control in tatters.

There is so much in her endless hazel eyes that he loses himself for a moment, caught in her gaze. He's startled when his comm chirps. Hastily he moves to shut it off. He truly does not care what Hux wants. It can all wait until tomorrow.

The invasion of the outside world has helped calm him. Normalcy, they need normalcy. "I'll order dinner, shall I?"

She blinks up at him. "Don't you need to find out what they want?"

"I'm sure it's nothing important."

She looks at him skeptically before saying, "Alright."

"Is there anything you would like?" he says as he's moving away from her. He breathes in deeply on his way to the console.

"Uhm. Well, I liked what we had the first night I was here. I mean, if you don't mind having it again," he hears her say.

"That's always been a favorite of mine," he calls over his shoulder as he reaches the bay of screens by his door.

He keys in their order and he's beginning to feel like himself again. They will do what they always do, move forward from difficult, tense moments. Finished with his task, he's about to return to her, but he stops and stands, looking at her. Her back is to him and she's gazing out at the stars. Her once neat bun could not stand up to the ocean winds and it looks like it's about to come undone.

He watches her for a moment, appreciating the elegant curve of her neck. She's so strong, yet delicate at the same time—such a study in contrast. Maker, he wants to give her everything. He remembers the necklace from the market on Vren … he _had_ thought of giving it to her tonight. He's still feeling the echo of his powerlessness. He knows it's a small gesture, but it's something concrete he can _do_.

"Rey, if you will excuse me, I need to get something from the other room."

She turns her head to him and asks, "What is it?"

"A surprise. I'll be right back."

He slips into his sanctuary and goes to his cabinet of gifts. He pulls out the top drawer, where he keeps the jewelry, and finds the necklace that looks so like the one she had admired. He considers giving her one of the rich silk scarves as well—she had enjoyed the bolts of bright fabric—but he decides it might be too much.

When he returns to his sitting room, he finds Rey has moved to stand by the viewscreen. She shifts to look at him and graces him with another of her soft smiles before returning her attention to the slow turning of Vren. He's suddenly quite nervous. Her rooms are full of dresses, ornaments for her hair, all manner of lovely things, but this is the first time he is giving her something _personally_. What if she doesn't like it?

He goes to stand next to her. "Rey?"

"Hmm?" she says as she turns to face him.

"I … I have something for you." He holds out the slim box hesitantly. It's covered in a deep blue brocade.

She looks at the box and back to him before she gingerly takes it from him. She runs her fingers across the fabric. She doesn't open it for a long time, just staring at it. Then she slowly opens the box.

His eyes are trained intently on her face, and he's drawn very near. He knows he should step back, but he's caught in her pull. Besides, he doesn't really want to. He wants to be as close as she'll allow.

As the necklace is revealed to her, Rey's eyes go wide. She tentatively pulls the necklace from its confines and simply looks at it, blinking. She's not saying anything and his stomach falls. Foolish, stupid, what had he been _thinking_? But then she bites her bottom lip and she smiles. A wide, excited smile and her eyes dart up to his. His heart starts beating again. She says, "It's like the necklace on Vren!"

It's silver with three delicate strands, each with deep purple, green, amber, and burgundy gems in a staggered pattern so that when it's worn, the stones look like a solar system. He'd thought of her immediately when he'd found it on a mission nearly five months ago.

"You like it then?" he asks hopefully.

"Yes, Kylo. It's beautiful. Thank you." She's moved even closer to him, their heads almost touching as they look down on the necklace.

"Would you … would you wear it for me?"

She looks up at him and nods slightly. Rey sets the box down on a table by the viewscreen. She looks at the clasp for a moment and brings the jewelry to her neck. Her face grows frustrated as she fumbles with it. She pulls it from her and studies the clasp again. She tries once more, but it's clear she's had no practice with anything like this. Her brows knit together and he's alarmed as he sees her growing genuinely upset.

"Please, let me help you."

"I can do it myself!"

"Rey, there's no need. Let me help you."

She looks up at him and purses her lips. Finally she hands it to him with bad grace.

She turns around and he's transfixed anew by her slender neck. He wants to bend forward and press his lips to her shoulder, kiss his way up to just below her ear. Instead, he carefully reaches around her, making sure not to touch. His chest is inches from her back and he can feel the heat of her body. It would be so easy to close his arms around her, bring her form flush against his.

The Bond is flowing, the energy growing thick between them. She may be able to shut out her feelings and thoughts, but she can't stop the _pull_. He looks down and sees her chest rising and falling rapidly. He lets the necklace settle along her collarbone and his hands are trembling as he tries to clasp the necklace without touching her. Finally, he has it, and he knows he should step back. But she's so _near_ and he closes his eyes and inhales, breathing in her heady scent. She smells of the sea and _Rey_.

He stands like that with his hands hovering over her shoulders, feeling the tendrils of the Bond lick at his palms. Force, he needs her, and he _knows_ she needs him, too. She's touched him so much today, she'd even kissed him ...

She shudders and turns. He only just manages to move his hands in time. She stays very close as she looks into his eyes. There isn't more than an inch between them. Her frustration from her inability to put on the necklace is gone and all he sees is _heat_.

Her lips are parted and her breath is ragged. She holds his eyes as she places her hands on his chest and slowly slides them up his torso until she's weaving her fingers in his hair. He's begun to pant slightly and the feel of her hands against his scalp send delicious shivers along his spine. But she's not given him leave to touch her. She must let him touch her—she _must_. He's tired of playing this game, tired of being so tethered.

He looks deeply into her eyes and breathes out, "Release me, Rey."

She doesn't say anything, just continues to run her fingers through his hair and he can't stop the low whimper that escapes him. Tremors move through his muscles at the effort he's expending to keep his arms at his sides.

Her eyes have never left his. He can't control himself much longer. Soon, he'll have no choice but to push her from him, run from the room. His voice is rough with passion as he begs, "Rey, unchain me, _unleash_ me. Please, let me _touch_ you."

She holds his gaze and he _sees_ the moment she decides. He thinks he might fall into her eyes forever when she murmurs, " _Yes_."

That single word opens the floodgates and instantly his arms crush her to him. He buries his face at her neck and he finally tastes her skin. After months of longing, obsession, devotion, he wants to slow down and _treasure_ this, but he _can't_. He's like an animal; he kisses and licks, bites and sucks. Oh how he's wanted this, and he moans into her flesh. She gasps and her hands tighten in his hair, pulling him even closer.

There is no thought, only the glory of _touching_ Rey. He kisses up her neck until he's at that point below her ear, just as he'd fantasized. He drags his lips across her cheek and he's about to kiss her properly when he stops. The feral, desperate desire quiets for just a moment as the enormity of this moment bears down on him.

He's never kissed anyone before. He's never wanted to. But kissing her, more than anything, is what he's dreamed of. This is only for her.

He brings his hands to her face, cradling it between his long fingers as he looks into her eyes. Her pupils are wide and he finds only welcome there. He whispers, "Rey …"

She blinks slowly and then he closes the space between them. He gently presses his lips to hers and oh, _Force_ he's never felt _anything_ like this. Her lips move against his and it's as if there is a cord between their lips and his center. All of his fevered imaginings have never prepared him for _this_. The Bond sparks with pleasure and connection as he allows instinct to guide him. He's always confident in everything he does and he kisses her as if it was what he was built to do.

Kylo knows he's been hers from the moment he first saw her fierce face, but somehow he understands there is no going back from this. There can be only Rey and he would not survive without her. Loving her had been abstract, but now it has _form_. He needs more, more, _more_. He glides his tongue along her velvet lips and there is no hesitation as she opens to him. The gentleness has left him and he plunges his tongue into her mouth and takes her, claims her. He won't let her turn back from this, either. She is his and he knows she can no longer deny it.

He's achingly hard as he pulls her as close as he can, grinding himself against her writhing body. It's not enough, it will never be enough. He keeps his mouth fused with hers as he lifts her in his arms. Her fingers are still tangled in his hair as he walks them to his couch. He must stop kissing her for a moment as he pushes her down. Once she's settled, he immediately covers her body with his and again captures her mouth.

Finally, finally, _finally_. He's touching her everywhere he can reach, his hands roaming along her dips and curves. He knew this would be bliss, but this … this is _transcendent_. All the small moments she's allowed him had given him only the remotest idea of what it would be like to finally be with her in this way. She's consuming him and he's lost to sensation.

He wants to taste her skin again, but he doesn't want to stop _kissing_ her when abruptly she pulls away. Panic spikes in his heated blood but then _she's_ tearing at his clothing, attempting to reach _his_ neck. He knows he shouldn't, that this is too much, too fast but he just doesn't care. Swiftly he pulls his belt off, then his surcoat.

He asks with his eyes if she wants him to continue and she nods frantically. He pulls his tunic from his body and he's on her again, sucking against her pulse point. Her hands come up and her fingers dig into his bare back; he groans, deep in his throat. Her small hands against his skin are _doing something_ to him and he's falling deeper into this exquisite place.

Now she's the one to leave hot, open mouthed kisses against his flesh and he can't quite believe that he's actually here after nearly a year of _needing_ her like this. He arches his back and thrusts his hardness against her; she wraps her legs around him, pushing back. All of his dreams are coming true and he's brimming with how much he loves her. He's suddenly so grateful that he's never given so much of himself to anyone but her. Only Rey, only ever Rey.

He's a creature of pure desire and want, love and need. Her tongue laves against him and he wants to rip her clothes away, feel their skin moving together. Somehow he senses that he mustn't, that she needs to be the one to take that step.

It's been too long, he needs to kiss her again, and he's about to do just that when they are alerted that the droid with their dinner has arrived. It startles him from this perfect place of instinctive need and sacred devotion and he looks into her face. She giggles and hides her eyes with her hands. He's never heard that from her before and it catches in an odd little place in his chest. There is still a bit of the girl she should have been hiding within her.

He smiles down on her as she peeks through her fingers. He pulls her hands from her face and looks at her softly. Her face is open and the swell of love he feels for her nearly steals his breath. Perhaps it would be alright to tell her. Surely she must already know. Suddenly he _needs_ her to know. "Rey … I lo-" The door alerts again.

He grumbles in frustration and she's pushing him away, but she's smiling. He stands, _very_ reluctantly. He starts to move to the door when she stops him.

"Wait, Kylo, your tunic."

"It's just a droid, it doesn't matter."

He walks to the door. Just before he opens it, he looks back to Rey. She's flushed, her bun having long since lost the battle with its tie. Her hair is falling around her shoulders and, oh stars, she's glowing. For him.

He's still looking at her as he opens the door. He hears a quick intake of breath and turns to find an extremely shocked General Hux standing outside his quarters.

* * *

Extra thanks to my magnificent friend and beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. She looked at this twice and listened to me fret and complain. Patience of a saint, I tell you.

Thank you brilliant, beautiful readers! I so appreciate everyone who is reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing!


	21. Chapter 21

Several things race through Kylo's head at once as he takes in Hux's disapproving expression. The most important realization is that the ginger irritant can see Rey's ravished state and he swiftly moves to block Hux's line of sight. Kylo is also quite aware that he's half-dressed and still tremendously hard. His instinct is to cover himself, but he won't let Hux perceive his embarrassment.

"Hux," he growls.

"Supreme Leader, your attention is required at once." The general's eyes are intently trained on Kylo's face.

"I am rather occupied at the moment, perhaps it could wait?"

"No, it _really_ can't. The Resistance is, at this moment, conducting a coordinated attack across the fleet and you are _needed_." Hux's usually unflappable exterior is cracking.

Kylo hears Rey gasp but he keeps his attention on Hux. He wants to scream. Of course _that woman_ would manage—even now, even from light years away—to ruin everything. Briefly, he closes his eyes tightly and feels as his body comes once again under his control. This is unavoidable. It doesn't matter that all he wants to do is slam the door and return to Rey, this must be dealt with.

"I require ten minutes and then I will join you on the bridge," Kylo finally says grudgingly.

Hux purses his lips. "It would be better if you came now, sir."

"Ten minutes, Hux!" he says as he shuts the door in the frustrated general's face.

He turns to Rey and finds her face curiously blank. As he always does, he wishes she would open the Bond and allow him to sense her. She's standing and smoothing her hair.

"Rey, I need to go. I wish I didn't," he says as he moves towards her.

"I know, I heard. I understand." Her voice is bare of inflection. Perhaps she is angry that he's been called away?

He collects his clothing from the ground and begins to redress. It's growing awkward and he wishes he could think of something to say. When he's once again presentable he stands in front of her. She's looking at nothing and he's not sure what to make of her body language.

"Come, I will escort you to your quarters," he says.

"You don't need to, I can find my way. Go." She won't meet his eyes.

"No, at the very least I will see you to your door."

"Alright." She does look up at him, then.

"Rey, what is it?" He hesitates before reaching out and grazing her cheek with his fingers. She has given him permission to touch her and he intends to at every opportunity. She swallows.

"Nothing, I'm fine. It's been a long day, that's all. Please just take me back to my quarters."

"I … I don't want to leave you, not after … I will return to you as soon as I'm able."

"I … yes, alright," she says as she ducks her head.

Gingerly, he reaches for her hand and she pauses but then she curls her fingers around his. The thought of being parted from her after what they'd just shared makes him _ache_. But he pulls her gently to the door.

* * *

Kylo storms through the corridors. The _Resistance_. He thought he'd beaten them back with his all-out assault in his attempts to find Rey. But apparently not; apparently Leia Organa simply won't give up. He realizes they were likely hoping to catch the _Finalizer_. Perhaps this was even an attempted rescue. He won't allow that. No one will _ever_ take Rey from him. No one.

He knows he must focus, that he has to gain perspective, but all he can think of is how she'd finally let him touch her. _Kiss_ her. He'd been kissing her, holding her, _giving_ himself to her, and it had all been snatched away. He adds this latest offense to the ever-growing list of _that woman'_ s sins.

By the time he stalks onto the bridge he's wishing he was in battle, able to exorcise some of this excruciating tension and fury. Of course it's not as if he would be in the thick of things now―his position forces him to plan, order, _delegate_.

He takes in the scene that greets him, finally finding some semblance of calm. There are officers moving quickly, speaking with tense voices. It is barely-contained chaos and Hux is staring at a map of the current positions of the fleet.

"Hux!" he barks. "Report."

Hux quickly turns to Kylo and says, "Approximately 30 minutes ago the Resistance attacked five ships. The _Aeron_ , the _Tarkin_ , and the _Dominion_ were moving in a convoy near the Outer Rim. Our last communication indicated that all three ships are under heavy fire. The _Ascent_ is scouting what was once the Hosnian System and is holding her own. The _Dauntless_ was en route to the Hoth System and we've not heard anything since they first reported Resistance activity."

"Why did we have no advance warning? An attack on this scale, there should have been signs."

"We're not sure, sir. There has been a catastrophic intelligence failure, obviously."

"Are we in any position to be of aid?"

"No, Supreme Leader. Vren is quite remote and our latest … sojourn has taken us far from the fleet." Kylo feels Hux's censure and shunts it aside. Coming to Vren had been necessary.

Just then the comm crackles. "This is the _Dauntless_ , come in _Finalizer_."

An officer Kylo doesn't recognize responds, "This is the _Finalizer_ , report."

"Our shields have fallen and we're being boarded―repeat, we are being boarded."

* * *

It's early in the morning after a long and discouraging night. It had been an absolute rout. The Resistance had destroyed two Star Destroyers—the _Aeron_ and the _Dominion—_ and managed to capture the _Dauntless_. After he's seen Rey and had some sleep, he's going to have to meet with Wylan and Natan. The _Dominion_ was Wylan's post and the _Dauntless_ , Natan's. The _Aeron_ had been Demyan's. The reminder stings. On further consideration, he should call all of the knights together once Jashad and Palek return from dealing with Qree. All but Palek's ship, the _Terminus,_ had been involved.

Somehow, the Resistance had managed to find and attack only the largest and most important vessels. It's a fraction of the fleet, but _the Princess_ had still hit the strongest and most essential targets. He's left it all to Hux to sort out, he needs to get back to Rey.

He's not sure he's _ever_ had a more difficult time keeping himself on track as he had throughout the night. He'd been continually pulled into intense memories of _Rey_ ; flashes of heat and skin constantly clamoring for his attention.

He's making his way back to her rooms; he'd told her he would return to her just as soon as he could. He's furious at everyone―everyone but Rey. Clearly their spy network requires serious attention for them to have been so completely blindsided. This never should have happened. Someone, somewhere, must be feeding information to the Resistance. The First Order has superior numbers, ships, armaments, _everything_. And yet the persistent thorn in his side that is Leia Organa had managed, once again, to do the impossible.

Kylo's resentment grows as he realizes he's going to have to spend far more time on strategy and tactics, which means less time for Rey.

Rey. He can't go to her like this. He stops walking and breathes in deeply. He focuses on the memory of how glorious it was to kiss her and he feels his anger quiet. He plays that first moment, when he'd touched his lips to hers, over and over again.

He thinks he could spend weeks just kissing her and be content. He'd never experienced anything so … intimate, so close. He hadn't known it was possible to _feel_ so much all at once. Suddenly all that matters is being with Rey and he's again walking quickly to her rooms.

Finally he's at her door and he knocks softly. He knows it's early, but he hopes she's awake. He's exhausted, but he just wants to see her, if only for a little while before he goes to his quarters to sleep. He hears no movement from inside so he knocks again, a little louder this time. After waiting for longer than he probably should, he accepts that she's asleep.

For one sublime moment he imagines letting himself in, slipping into bed with her, wrapping her in his arms and sleeping with her body pressed tight against him. But he knows that one evening of passion does not give him such freedom. It's difficult to leave, but he pries himself from her doorway and goes to his rooms.

* * *

He's back at her door, having slept a few hours. He'd had such luscious, vivid dreams. Now that he _knows_ what she truly feels like beneath him, they'd taken on a sensory quality they'd not had before. He's desperate to pull her to him, feel her sweet lips again. That's all he wants to do, for as long as she'll let him.

He knocks on her door firmly. He hears movement immediately. Good, she's coming to him. He realizes that he's nearly grinning in anticipation. He waits, impatient for _Rey_. Time stretches and she doesn't answer. He knocks again, rather loudly. He senses her just on the other side. Why isn't she answering?

"Rey?" he calls through the door. He's met with silence. He hasn't used the door alert as she had specified he knock, but now he jams the button.

"Rey?"

Is something wrong? Is she hurt? Wouldn't he have felt it through the Bond, wouldn't she have reached out to him? He hears her again and he's growing frustrated. What is she playing at?

"Rey!" he yells.

"I don't want to see you," she finally answers.

Relief floods him at the sound of her voice but then he registers what she's actually _said_. She … she doesn't want to see him? "Rey, please, what is it? What's wrong?"

"Just go away," her muffled voice comes through the durasteel.

"What?" But … she … they'd shared so much. She can't mean it.

"Please, just go away," she repeats.

"No, not now. Not after last night." She can't be doing this―she _can't_. His heart is hammering in his chest. Memories of _every single time_ she'd shut him out of the Bond cascade through him. The powerlessness, the aching longing. Endless nights needing her, hours spent hurtling himself at her walls, it's all welling up within him and his throat feels tight. How could she? Is it possible that what they'd shared meant nothing to her? The thought is sharp and cold and oh Maker, no ...

His helmet feels close and wrong and he rips it from his head, throwing it to the floor. He leans his forehead against her door. He holds his hand against the surface and he has the strangest sense that her palm is right on the other side. "Rey, please."

"No, Kylo. Last night was a mistake. All of this has been a mistake … dinners, Vren … touching you. I never should have given in," she says firmly.

"Given in?" She thinks last night was … a weakness? He can't tamp down the growing sense of dread.

"The Bond. It makes me lose myself, forget my true feelings, forget who I am, what I believe."

"What? No. No! You can't mean that―you _can't_ ," he pleads. He closes his eyes as he brings his other palm to her door.

"I do. I shouldn't be here; I should be with Leia, with the Resistance, not letting you confuse me with gorgeous clothes and pretty jewelry … my _family_." Her voice is forlorn.

"Stop, please. Just let me _in_. Let me talk with you. Oh Maker, Rey, you can't do this to me. Last night, it meant _everything_ to me. _You_ mean everything to me. You _have_ to let me in." He opens his eyes and clutches at the surface.

"No. I don't want to see you."

Not this again. He can't bear it. He won't allow this, not now. "No, Rey. I told you before, I won't let you do this to me. You can't shut me out, not anymore."

He purposefully pulls his gloves from his hands. Once he's inside they will talk and she will see reason. He won't be denied. He places his palm against the scanner. Nothing happens. He tries again, but the door won't respond. Hurriedly he keys in his code but the device won't accept it. What has she _done_?

"What did you do, Rey? What did you _do_!"

She doesn't answer.

"Rey!" he bellows.

"I hacked the door; you can't get in."

His breath is coming quickly now, the frantic fury riding in his blood. _He will not let her do this to him._ "Rey," he growls dangerously. "You will open this door right now."

"No."

"Yes, Rey. You can't deny who we are to each other, not after last night. I felt you respond to me, I _felt_ it."

"It's just the Bond. It doesn't mean anything."

"No. No! _No_!" This can't be happening―he won't let it. Suddenly, he realizes he doesn't have to. She might be able to keep him out through the Bond, but all that there is between them is a panel of metal. His saber is in his hand and he starts to hack at her door.

"What are you doing?" she yells.

"If you won't open this door then I will _break_ it down," he vows fiercely, his voice rising above the din of his methodical destruction.

"Don't you dare!"

"Dare? _Dare_? There is nothing I won't do to keep you with me."

"Stop, please," Rey begs.

"I will never stop―you are mine!" he screams as he strikes orange streaks into the metal.

"Haven't you taken enough from me? You've already made me your whore!" she spits.

The word sears through him and his saber is off in an instant. The rage leaves him only to be replaced by horror. "What?" he gasps out.

"Isn't it enough that you've made me into my mother, a kept woman for your pleasure?"

Oh Maker, she thinks … it's too much, it hurts too much. He wants to give her everything, his whole _soul_ , and she believes... He can't think, there's just anguish. He feels like a chasm has opened beneath his feet as he finally comprehends the vast distance between them. He loves her, she could never be his … he can't even form the word in his mind.

He feels like he's falling as the pain takes him down. He can't find purchase and the corridor is beginning to spin. His blade―he needs his blade. His saber drops from his nerveless fingers and he stumbles to his quarters, tears clouding his vision.

Somehow he opens the door. He staggers into his rooms as the door shuts behind him. He blindly goes for his knife. He falls into a chair. Whore, whore, _whore_ ―the wordtears at his heart. His beautiful, pure light thinks he's made her into a whore …

He shoves up his sleeve and he shakily drags the sharp blade against the soft skin of his arm. He doesn't even register the jagged wound as again he opens his flesh. Hot tears fall down his face as his memory of the warmth, the _sharing,_ is ripped open, as bloody as his torn skin.

It meant nothing to her. Force, did she think she owed it to him because he'd given her that necklace? But the way she'd looked at him, like she _wanted_ him. Wanted _him_. She was someone who could be his very own. Someone who wouldn't leave. Someone who would always be there. No closed doors and late meetings. No months' long trips just to get away from him. She was supposed to be _his_.

Memories crash into him, taunting with new understanding. Her delicate face as she'd looked up at him, her eyes open, shining. Their fingers sliding and sparking together. Her hands in his hair as she'd held him. Nothing―it had meant _nothing_ to her. _He_ means nothing to her. The sacred becomes profane and the precious, dirty.

A wounded, animal sound is torn from his throat as he just keeps cutting, but it's not _working_. He can't make it stop. She doesn't want him. No one will ever want him. Maybe she's right, maybe the Bond means nothing. Maybe this _is_ just compulsion. He'd never found anything in the archives to indicate one way or the other. No, it can't be … it _can't_. He _knows_ he loves her. He knows that even without the Bond he will _always_ love her. Before the Bond, as soon as he saw her, he was hers.

He sobs in frustration―why isn't this working? Again he pulls the blade along his skin. His arm is soaked in blood and it's starting to come very fast now. He knows this is dangerous, he knows he's taken it too far, but he doesn't stop. It's all he knows to _do_ to try and quiet the unbearable agony that's opened in his chest. She thinks she's his whore …

He startles violently when he feels a small hand wrap around his wrist.

"Stop, Kylo, stop!" a voice says frantically.

He looks up, barely able to see through the tears, and she's _here_.

"Rey?" He must be seeing things. He's lost too much blood. She's shut him out. She doesn't want him. She _can't_ be here.

"Oh Force, Kylo, what have you done?" She sounds so frightened. Why is Rey frightened?

She's pulling the blade from his fingers. "No, stop, I need it," he begs.

"No, you don't. Let it go, Kylo. Let it go. _Now_." The Bond floods with _her_ and her light winds around his shattered heart. She swirls and eddies within him and suddenly it doesn't hurt so much.

"Alright, Rey." He lets her take the knife.

A strange light envelops his arm and he watches in detached fascination as his skin knits back together. She's kept the Bond open and he's feeling almost drugged. He blinks slowly. Intense emotions course through him and he's not sure whose they are. Potent fear. Something warm and soft that has no name. That desperate confusion he'd felt before. That must be her. Delicious relief. That could be him, since Rey is here. Rey, Rey, _Rey_.

Her hands grasp his face and her eyes are huge. They're full of pain. Who has hurt Rey? He will find them; he will make them pay.

"Why did you do that, Kylo, why?" Her voice sounds so panicked. He must make his way back to her. Rey needs him. He shakes his head, trying to clear the fog.

"I was so scared," she breathes out as she wraps her arms around him and pulls him close. Mmmm. She feels so good. Something was wrong, though. What was it? Something to do with Rey … slowly the room comes back into focus and he realizes that there's blood everywhere. His blade. He'd needed his blade.

Memory rushes in and suddenly he's back. She'd locked him out, rejected him utterly. She doesn't want him. She's only here because of her compassion. It's nothing to do with him.

He places his hands on her shoulders and pushes her from him, and then he's the one to close the Bond. He won't take her pity. Her eyes cloud in confusion. He stands and turns from her.

"Kylo?"

"What, Rey?" Desolation takes root in the hole she's left in his chest.

"We should probably get you to medical. I closed the wound but I'm not sure about the blood loss."

We? It is _abundantly_ clear that there is no 'we' as far as she's concerned. "My head is clearing. Force healing typically goes deep enough to address blood loss," he says clinically.

"But you were really … odd."

"Yes, well. I'm improving." He's not going to medical.

He feels her hand on his arm and he goes rigid, wanting to shake her off and pretend none of this had happened in equal measure.

"Please look at me," she requests softly. She pulls at his arm. He closes his eyes.

"Please, Kylo." He looks to the ceiling.

"Please," she repeats. Finally he allows her to turn him around but he doesn't look at her, focusing instead on a spot above her head. He's not ready to face just how badly she's hurt him.

"I … I'm sorry," she whispers.

"For what?" His tone is flat.

"I felt … I felt _everything_." Of course she had. He waits for her to continue but she doesn't say any more.

Eventually he stiffly asks, "Why are you here?" She'd made it quite plain how she truly feels about him.

"I … when you stopped trying to get into my quarters so suddenly, I worried. I opened the Bond and I saw what you were doing."

The sound of her voice, shaky and afraid, finally makes him look at her. She's still in yesterday's clothes and her pale tunic is covered in his blood. She's trembling. He sees tear tracks along her face, but they can't possibly be for him.

"I was so worried." Her voice quavers. "For a moment I thought I was too late; I thought I wouldn't be able to stop the bleeding. I thought … I thought you were going to _die_."

"That certainly would have solved all of your problems, wouldn't it?"

She flinches. "No … I don't want that."

"I thought I'd made you my _whore_ ," he accuses coldly.

She closes her eyes tightly. When she opens them the sea of anguish he sees cuts him to the core. The need to comfort her is intense, and he wonders at the perversity of his heart.

"I felt what hearing that did to you. I know that's not really true. I just … I'm so confused, Kylo. The way you make me feel … the Bond … I don't know who I _am_ anymore. I've never felt _anything_ like this. Touching you … it's like coming _home_ … and I've never even _had_ a home. But the things you've done, the things you _will_ do… I don't know how to be _me_ and be with you at the same time."

Touching him feels like home? Hope, tremulous hope blossoms in his chest and it feels like he might be able to breathe again. "But … you want to be? With me?"

"Yes … Maker help me, yes."

Rey wants him. She didn't mean those horrible words. After everything that's happened, he desperately needs to hold her, but he's afraid. If she were to reject him again, he's not sure he would recover. She looks so _small_ , her arms wrapped tightly around her torso. He feels broken and jagged, but he knows it will soothe them both to be in each other's arms. He gathers his courage and reaches for her, waiting for her to close the distance.

She flows into his arms and he holds her as close as he can. He isn't prepared for the rush of _emotion_ that overwhelms him and he shudders. Solace, healing, _connection_ thrums through his entire being and he hopes she feels it, too.

"We will find a way, Rey. I'll do whatever I have to," he promises.

They stand like that for a long time and he feels as Rey finally stops shaking. He cradles her head against his chest and she rubs her hands along his back. It's so _right_ to have her pressed against him again. The chaotic storm has passed and he nudges against the Bond. She opens it, just a fraction. He feels hints and echoes of her feelings. Her terror at the prospect of losing him. There's a thick thread of shame and he frowns, but then he senses how safe she feels in his arms.

He becomes aware of the scent of the sharp tang of copper. Right, they're both covered in his blood. "We need to get you cleaned up," he murmurs against her hair.

She pulls back to look up at him. "We both do."

"I'll take you back to your rooms. We'll get ourselves straightened and then we will talk." He'd prefer not to, but he must find a way for this to work. He needs to understand what he'd done to make her feel so ashamed. He's also aware that he's still struggling with his own wounded feelings. This time they won't simply move forward―they will discuss what has happened.

"Talk?"

"I think it's long overdue, don't you?"

She doesn't say anything, only nods.

He steps away from her reluctantly and takes her hand in his, "Come."

"Wait … there's something you should know about my quarters."

"What do you mean?"

"After you triedto get in, the door wouldn't open."

"Then how did you get here?" he asks in confusion.

She bites her lip then says, "I … well, I sort of used the Force to blow the door out. There's not really a door to my rooms any longer."

"You Force pushed _through_ the door?" She'd said she only knew how to levitate small objects and heal minor wounds. A thought is forming in his head.

She looks up at him and her eyes are _haunted_. "I was frantic; I _had_ to get to you. I don't even know how I did it …" Her desperation to reach him, to _heal_ him, had inspired such a significant leap in her powers? Realizing this helps push back the pulsing hurt that continues to run through him.

Still holding her hand, he cups her face with the other. "I never meant to frighten you," he says gently.

"Kylo, I don't think you understand. You more than _frightened_ me. But … that can wait until we talk, like you said. Anyway, let's go to my quarters." She turns, pulling him by the hand as his fingers fall from her face. He stops her.

"No, I won't have you _bathing_ with no doors on your rooms. You will use my 'fresher. I will have a droid bring you clean clothes and have a team begin working on your door immediately. If they aren't able to complete the work by tonight, I'll have temporary quarters prepared for you."

"I guess that makes sense, but there's no need to have a droid get me clothes. You don't have to come, I can go myself. I'll be right back." She lets go of his hand and starts to walk to the door.

"I will accompany you," he says as he moves to join her.

"It's just down the hall."

"I know." He's nowhere near ready to have her away from him.

She turns to him and looks up into his face curiously. She tilts her head and says, "I _am_ sorry. I know how much I hurt you. I couldn't discern much of what you were thinking, but I _felt_ you."

He nods slightly, uncomfortable with the knowledge that she'd felt him fall apart so utterly.

He's startled when she's suddenly wrapped around him and it takes him a moment to return her embrace.

"I'm so glad you're okay," she says into his chest.

She's back in his arms. Everything is going to be alright―he'll make sure of it.

* * *

A/N: Thank you to the ever-impressive Meaghan M/Juulna, my wonderful beta and friend. She was particularly awesome this time around, helping me fix the bits I knew weren't right, but just couldn't pinpoint. She always knows just where to tug and nudge. Best Beta and the Beta Biz.

Thank you Hannidae, who read this as well and provided marvelous insight and cheerleading. *blows kisses to Hannidae*

Thank you readers! Yesterday was Fan Fic Writers Appreciation Day and it made me think about how we couldn't do what we do without you. There would be no 'Thwarted' without you and I'm so grateful for every hit, follow, favorite, and review.

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	22. Chapter 22

The water streams down Kylo's body as he tries to recover from all that has happened. Rey has already bathed and changed and is waiting for him in his sitting room. His chest feels tight and his feelings are a jumble. She'd broken his heart then stitched it back together. It's almost as if he can feel the seams where it had shattered.

He's always known that loving her made him vulnerable, but now he understands that he's truly at her mercy. She holds his entire being in her hands and he's terrified of what she could do to him, what she's _already_ done to him. He tries to find comfort in how she had blown open her door to come to him, to save him, but he can't shake the desolation of how she'd initially shut him out.

She's always done that, thrown away his devotion. He thought he'd grown used to it. But that was before she was with him, before he'd had the opportunity to truly to talk with her, show her how he loves her. She's said she wants to be with him, but he's not sure he should believe her. He never thought he would be afraid of Rey.

That she'd pulled away so completely after sharing such intimacy has left him hollow and he's having trouble holding on to his hopes and dreams. At the edge of his mind there has always been such biting fear that she will never accept him, but now he knows exactly what it would _do_ to him. He has to find a way to make her see that there can be no other outcome than building a life together.

He shuts off the water and dries himself. He dresses in only his tunic and trousers, not even bothering with his boots.

Kylo comes out of his bedroom to find Rey sitting on his couch. She turns her head to look at him and her expression is wary. Her hair is down and still damp from her own ablutions. She's in a long-sleeved rich burgundy silk gown with a row of neat buttons along her torso. Her dress covers her from clavicle to ankle, with her bare feet peeking out. He wonders if she'd selected it for just such a purpose, to cover her completely. The reminder of how she'd reacted to sharing what they had tears through him and he swallows. He wants to cherish that memory but he fears it will always be tainted.

He looks around his sitting room and finds that the cleaning droids have removed all trace of his weakness. He wants to shut away how he'd come undone and he wishes he and Rey were in her quarters. He doesn't want to be here, but the work has only just begun on her door.

He approaches her slowly. The energy in the room is awkward and he's still acutely feeling her rejection and cruel words. His head hurts slightly from his tears and he's apprehensive about discussing all that's transpired. He's raw, exposed, and embarrassed by how much he needs her. How much he always needs her.

Kylo takes his customary seat next to her, not too close. She seems nervous but she shifts towards him. He wants to gather her to him, but he has no idea what the rules are, now.

"Rey, I don't know if I'm allowed to touch you," he says softly.

"Oh. I … yes. Yes, you're allowed to touch me." She gives him a small smile and it soothes a bit of the ache in his chest.

While he wants nothing more than to pull her into his arms, he's nervous to push for too much. He hesitantly reaches for her hand and he laces his fingers with hers. He instantly feels better but conflict shadows Rey's face.

"What is it?" he asks.

"It's … it's just … it's hard to think when we're touching."

"In some ways, but in others it helps. Doesn't it?" He grazes her palm with his thumb and watches as she shivers.

Rey looks up and says, "Sort of. It confuses me. But before we get into all of that, I need to know what happened with the Resistance."

Ah. Yes. She would wish to know about her _friends_. "They destroyed two Star Destroyers with all hands and captured another," he says tightly.

"What about _their_ ships, were any of them lost?" Her eyes are worried.

"No. It was an exceedingly well planned attack. We won't know until the analysts have finished their work, but the Resistance must have been given _extremely_ sensitive information in order to be so _effective_." His lip curls in distaste. He's intently focused on not losing his temper. He has no wish to discuss this failure.

"I don't know how to feel about this."

"What do you mean?"

Her brow furrows. "After getting to know Kes, and Finn of course, it makes it so confusing. All of those stormtroopers, not to mention everyone else … I want the Resistance to succeed, but I'm tired of all the death."

He ignores the spike of anger he feels at the mention of _Finn_. "Even after I told you what I want for the galaxy you _still_ support the Resistance?" he asks in frustration.

"Of course I do! I've been very clear with you that I don't agree with how you're going about things. I may agree with some of your principles, but I do _not_ agree with your methods." Her voice is growing heated and she pulls her hand from his. He tries not to panic.

"So it was the mention of the Resistance that changed things last night." He does not want to be sidetracked. This is about them, not politics.

She wraps her arms around her torso and looks at her knees. "It didn't change anything; it made me wake up," she says quietly.

"Wake up?" He's thinking of the moment he realized she'd shut him out and he's afraid of what's going to tumble out of her mouth, of how whatever she says next will hurt him.

Her eyes flit to his and she says, "I feel like I'm in a dream when I'm with you. I can't hold onto what I believe. Before you … brought me here, I promised myself that I'd never give in to the Bond. But I've only been with you for a week and we were … well, you know." Her face flushes with shame.

It pulls and rends and _guts_ him to see such a torment move through her eyes. He shifts to sit closer and slowly raises his hand to her face. Her eyes widen but she doesn't pull away. He holds her cheek and looks deeply into her eyes. "No, Rey. Please don't be ashamed. Please." He draws his thumb across her skin and her eyes slowly close.

"I can't help it," she whispers.

He brings his other hand up and now he's cradling her face. "Please look at me."

Her eyes open but she won't meet his gaze. "Please, Rey."

Finally her lovely hazel eyes shift towards him. She looks like a lost little girl.

"There was nothing shameful in sharing what we did. It was beautiful." It was the purest, most sacred thing he's ever experienced. He must make her see. Rey mustn't feel these things. She is so fine and good, she should never feel shame for _anything_.

A tear slips down her cheek. "Oh, Rey … you are so precious to me. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I did, though."

"No, no," he croons.

"You don't understand," she murmurs.

"Help me to, then."

"I don't know how ..." she says.

"Rey, lo- sweetheart, please help me see this. I don't think you understand what last night _means_ to me. Knowing that you feel like this about something so special, so singular, it … Rey, it hurts so much." His voice cracks and he's surprised he's admitted just a bit of how she's affected him. She places a hand over his and presses his fingers against her face. Her eyes fill with sadness but she doesn't say anything.

"I've wanted to share that with you, to be with you for so long. That it … that I made you feel like this, I have to understand _why_ ," he pleads.

She holds his eyes and he watches as numerous emotions ebb and flow within her. There is longing and tenderness—he tries not to hope too much when he sees that—but then there is regret and anguish and he's not sure what to think.

"Maybe … maybe it's better if I just show you," she offers cautiously.

He's quite surprised. But she has been more and more willing to access the Bond recently. "If that is what you prefer."

"Yes, I think I would." She pulls his hands from her face and wraps one of his arms around her as she leans into him. Now she's settled against his chest and he can't quite focus. He just wants to hold her close and lose himself to her touch. But this is too important. He needs to _understand_.

"Uhm, are you ready?" she asks, looking up for a moment.

"Yes, Rey."

But he's not, he's not ready at _all_ when the torrent of feelings slam into his chest. He's not sure he's ever felt so much conflict. The emotions come fast, and he cannot begin to untangle it all. There's self-loathing and desire, affection and fear, and that warm softness he's not sure how to interpret. It's too much. Eventually he realizes that she's sharing her memory of last night. He hears Hux say 'Resistance' and Rey looks down at herself, realizing her state.

He feels as wave after wave of memories of Leia and Finn beat against her and horror blooms in her chest. A chant of "What have I done? What have I done?" loops through her mind even as her heart is still bursting with warmth for _him_. He shunts away the reflexive feelings that fill him at the fleeting images of _that woman_ and the traitor, instead focusing on what Rey alone is feeling.

She's panicking and her shame courses through him. She's thinking that she mustn't let him see that she's cracking until she knows herself what she's feeling. He senses as she keeps herself from flinching as his fingers graze her cheek. The idea that his touch had made her feel like that scrapes against a hidden place, deep inside. He wants to pull back and promise her that he would never, ever want her to feel like this but she holds him fast in the memory.

They're at her door and he senses how she struggles to return his gentle caress. His heart is coming undone again, cracking along the seams where she had so recently ripped it asunder. She's back in her rooms and it's as if she's seeing them with new eyes. More luxury than she could have ever fathomed unfolds in front of her. She races to her bedroom and opens the armoire and just stares at the dozens and dozens of dresses that would likely each have fed her for a year. Her fingers fly to her throat and she's touching the necklace.

She moves to the mirror and he watches as Rey looks at her reflection. Her hand is still at her throat and she inspects the lurid red marks he'd left on her flesh. She touches the signs of his passion and her eyes well with tears. He hears the first flicker of _whore_ tickle her consciousness. He's almost choking on how disgusted she is with herself. His kiss had made her feel like that ...

She tries to unclasp the necklace, but she cannot remove this confusing reminder. She struggles and pulls, and finally with a whimper of frustration, she rips it from her throat as the gems fly everywhere. Great gasping sobs heave from her chest and suddenly she runs to the 'fresher and becomes violently ill. He can't believe that he's done that to her.

She remembers Qree telling her that her mother was a prostitute. Selling herself for spice. He feels as connection after connection is made in her mind. How he's surrounded her in material wealth, making sure her days are full of only leisure. She remembers how he'd casually given Qree more credits than she could conceive of. Surely payment must be made? Again she is sick. He desperately wants to pull himself from her memory and make sure she sees that she is _not_ her mother, she is not … she has _not_ sold herself. But he forces himself to keep watching.

She moves to her knees and rocks back and forth. "I'm just like my mother. All it took was his attention and a pretty necklace." She grasps her head and sobs out, "What have I done, what have I done?"

Rey looks up to the ceiling and begs, "Leia, help me. I'm so lost."

Eventually she pulls herself to the corner, lying down on the cool tile. She's weeping. "I let him do it. I didn't even last a week," she calls out into the room. She clutches at the floor and whispers, "I wanted him to do it."

She staggers to her feet and returns to her bedroom. Then she sees a gleaming gem and she scrabbles for it. Now she's on her hands and knees, finding them all, gathering them together. She realizes one is missing and she starts to search furiously, finally finding the amber stone meant to represent the sun. She shudders in relief and gains her feet, trembling.

She takes a bit of cloth and places the small collection of stones in the center. Then she carefully ties it with a ribbon meant for her hair and slips it around her neck, the bundle of jewels nestled against her heart. She caresses it between her fingers. He feels as she hates herself for needing this sign of his affection, yet she cannot let it go.

She thinks about running, but she doesn't know to _where_. She doesn't know where the Resistance is. And she can't shake the nagging feeling that she'd said she would stay. That she doesn't want to go …

Then she decides that if she can't leave, she won't let him near her. The Bond makes her act like this. If she can't control herself, then she just won't let him see her.

He watches as she scours her rooms for anything she can use for tools. She stays up all night, pulling apart the door until finally she has it. Once she's certain he can't get to her, she nearly falls into bed. But then she stops, looking at the sumptuous bedding and she moves to the floor. She won't even use a blanket. She gathers herself into a small ball and falls into a dreamless sleep.

He can't take anymore. The way that she'd stabbed herself through with what should be treasured―he needs to explain, help her comprehend, _anything_ to stop this onslaught of misunderstanding.

"Rey," he pushes into the Bond.

"No! You will see. All of it."

"No, please, I have to talk to you about this. You're so wrong about everything, about what I want, how I feel," he says into the Bond. He closes their connection and finds her pulling from him. She huddles herself at the edge of the couch. He goes to his knees in front of her.

He reaches out and lifts her face so that she's looking at him. Her expression is closed.

"Rey …" he says gently. "What have I done to make you think that I expect … payment for the things that I have done for you?"

"Why else would you do them? No one on Jakku ever did anything for free. Especially not _men_."

"So you think that I'm trying to find your family, made quarters I hoped would please you, gave you a necklace I thought you'd enjoy … you think I do these things because I expect … access to your body?" he asks with revulsion.

She shrugs and looks down. "Apparently it runs in the family."

"No, sweetheart, no …" He's still crouched in front of her and she's hunched in on herself. He takes her hands and is relieved when she immediately curls her fingers around his. "Rey, I need you to hear me. I need you to understand what I'm about to tell you."

Her eyes move to his and she nods.

He holds her eyes and wills her to feel how dear she is to him. "Before last night, I'd never kissed anyone. I hadn't wanted to. I'd never wanted to share anything so intimate with anyone. When I touched you, when I was finally able to _show_ you what you mean to me, it was … it's the closest I've ever felt to anyone. Wait, that's not right … it makes it sound like I have experienced closeness with someone else, that this was just deeper. But no. I've never felt close to anyone, I've never let _anyone_ in. Not even a little bit. But I want to share _everything_ with you. What I feel with you … Rey, I never knew such feelings were possible."

Rey blinks quickly, clearly overwhelmed. "You … you'd never kissed anyone before?"

"No. Only you. Only ever you. I don't think you understand what you mean to me."

She looks down and quietly says, "I _don't_ understand, not really. No one does anything without expecting something in return."

He moves one hand to her face and tilts her chin until she is again looking at him. "Oh Rey … what have they _done_ to you? Can you truly not think of a reason why I would try and find your family, do things to make you happy? Do you really not know?" All this time, he'd been sure she'd at least had _some_ idea of his true feelings.

"Know what?" she asks in confusion.

He grazes her lips with his fingers then holds her gaze. He feels as his chest fills with all that she is to him, all he knows that she will be. "Rey … I _love_ you."

Her eyes go very wide. "You what?" Her voice is so quiet he can barely hear her.

"I love you."

She starts shaking her head and her eyes are filling with tears. "No. That's not true, that's not possible." Suddenly she pulls from him and goes to stand at the viewscreen, her back to him.

Swiftly he follows her and stands in front of her. Tears are falling down her cheeks. "Why would you think that?" His tone is laced with concern.

"It's just the Bond. You only think you love me. No one loves me. No one has ever loved me. I thought my family did, but that was just a lie I told myself." He's filled with the very familiar fury at everything that's been done to her.

"You're wrong. I felt it before we were Bound."

She looks at him and he thinks he sees a flicker of hope before it's replaced with disbelief.

"From the first moment I saw you, I felt the stirrings of this feeling. Please believe me, Rey. You have to believe me." It had never occurred to him that she wouldn't believe him, that she's so damaged she thinks that she's unlovable. He'll spend his whole life proving to her how much he loves her. He'll make sure that she knows no one has ever been more loved.

"No, it's the Bond. It plays tricks." Her voice quavers as her eyes move from his.

"Rey …" He wipes the tears from her face then lays his palm against her cheek. She leans into his touch and her eyes flutter closed.

"This feeling, when we touch, do you truly believe it's only the Bond?" he asks.

Her eyes open and he finds such anguish in their depths. "I don't know," she says miserably.

He holds her gaze intensely. "Without the Bond … it would change nothing. I would still love you. This," he trails his fingers along her face, "is _real_."

"But that's almost worse," she says brokenly.

"What do you mean?"

"If it's real, if what I _feel_ for you is real, that means I've betrayed everything I believe in. If it's the Bond then … then it isn't my fault."

"Oh, my beloved. You've not betrayed anyone or anything. Have you shared any secrets of the Resistance? Have you helped the First Order in any way?"

"No. But … I'm here. With you. And … and I like being with you." She looks away.

He takes both of her hands in his and waits until she returns her gaze to him. "Then be here with me. Let the rest go."

"I can't. I don't want to." Her eyes plead with him.

"Perhaps if you understood more about what I'm trying to do, you wouldn't feel so conflicted?"

She frowns. "Are you still hunting the Resistance?"

"Not actively, no. Not once I found you."

"Will you stop?"

It's his turn to look away. "I … I don't know if I can do that, not after the recent attack."

"Could you … focus on figuring out what went wrong, not move immediately?" she asks tentatively.

He thinks for a moment. It's not ideal, Hux and the other generals won't like it, but he sees that Rey needs this. He returns his gaze to hers. "Yes, I can do that. Buy us some time where we aren't on opposite ends of the war?"

"Yes, oh please, yes," she says.

"I promise, I'll delay any retaliation for as long as possible. You and I will keep talking, we'll find a way." He draws her to him and holds her close.

"Okay, Kylo. Okay," she murmurs into his chest. They stand for a long time, arms wrapped around each other. Then he moves them back to the couch, sitting with her cradled in his arms.

He looks down and finds her looking up at him. "Rey, you understand that you could never, ever be … what you said this morning? You understand that I love you?"

Her eyes cloud with conflict. "I … I don't know."

"Please Rey, please believe me."

"I … I'll try."

He purses his lips, but he nods. He won't press her further. He's just going to have to keep showing her how desperately he loves her. Whatever he has to do for her to _know_ how special she is, he will do it.

"And you understand that I want nothing from you that you do not wish to give?" he asks.

"Yes, I think I do."

She lays her head against his chest. He strokes her hair and lets himself believe that it's going to be alright.

He startles when she stands and he wants to snatch her back, but then she's turning and settling herself sideways in his lap. She puts her arms around his neck and starts to run her fingers through his hair. Oh Force, it feels so good. Each stroke soothes him. His eyes slide shut and he gives himself over to the pleasure of her touching him. Then his eyes fly open as he feels her lips press against his and he almost dumps her from his lap. He pulls away in panic.

"What! What is it?" Rey asks fearfully.

"I … I just … I need to know you won't … you won't feel ashamed like that again. I can't bear it if being with me like this makes you feel like that. I need to know that you want this."

"Yes, Kylo. I want this."

He realizes that there's one last thing he must ask, though he fears her answer will destroy him. "Last night … did you … did you force yourself to let me touch you?"

"No! No. What you said earlier, about feeling close, I felt it, too. When you kissed me, it was like you were inside me and I was inside you. I just wanted to get closer, as close as I could." Relief courses through him as the glory of kissing her for the first time is returned to its hallowed place.

He looks at her intensely and says, "This is very real for me, Rey."

"I know. I want to kiss you. Please let me kiss you."

Her words race down his spine and he leans forward slightly. She catches his lips again and she's kissing him so sweetly. It's gentle and soft, not like the furious passion of last night. And somehow it means even more. Slow desire winds through him, but it's not like a fire, threatening to consume him. It's thick and deep and it mends his heart.

She flicks her tongue along his lower lip and he opens for her. Now she's stroking her tongue against his and his arms come up around her. He holds her close, with one hand along her back and the other at her waist. He stirs against her thighs and she wiggles a bit, making him gasp into her mouth. She giggles and does it again. He's elated that she seems at ease, but he knows he can't let things spiral further.

"Don't start something you don't intend to finish. And I know for a fact neither of us is ready for that," he warns.

She looks into his eyes. "No, you're right. But I like kissing you."

"Then do continue," he says affectionately.

She grins and does just that. They kiss languidly and hold each other, time ceasing to have meaning. She lets the Bond open just a bit and he feels that warm and soft feeling again and the conflict and fear have lessened. There's still doubt, and more sadness than he'd like, but he revels in being able to feel whatever she will give him.

Then he feels as sadness overtakes her and he pulls back, looking into her eyes. He finds such sorrow within them.

"What is it, Rey?"

"I am so sorry I hurt you. When I rejected you like that. When I said those things." She strokes his face with her fingers.

"It doesn't matter." She's in his arms; they've reached detente. He doesn't care about his hurt feelings―not now.

"Yes, it does. I was so afraid and confused. I should have talked to you instead of shutting you out."

"I do wish you had," he says ruefully.

She again runs her fingers through his hair and they look into each other, saying nothing as they both simply enjoy being close. He moves his hand along her back then trails it along her arm. He catches her fingers in his and brings them to his lips, kissing them softly.

She frowns a little and says, "Kylo?"

"Yes?" he replies warily.

"Why do you do that? Hurt yourself?"

He stiffens and looks away, but he keeps holding her hand. "I don't want to talk about that."

"I think we need to. You almost … you almost died."

"It was never as serious as that," he dismisses.

She untangles her hand from his and holds his chin, forcing him to look at her. "Yes, it was. If I hadn't gotten to you, I would have lost you. I said before that you more than frightened me. I've never felt terror like that. I could _feel_ you dimming through the Bond. I don't know what is or isn't the Bond, but I do know that I never want to feel that again. Please tell me why you do that?"

He doesn't want to explain. He doesn't want to think about it, but he sees that he must tell her something. "I … I've done it for such a long time. It helps. When things hurt too much, it gives the pain form. It makes me feel in control."

"You hadn't for a while though, right?" she asks hopefully.

"I've tried not to. I know you don't like it." Sometimes knowing she wouldn't want him to do it was the only thing that stayed his hand. He wants this conversation to end, to go back to drowning in her.

"Will you promise to stop?" She trails her fingers along his jaw.

The idea fills him with anxiety. "I'll think about it."

"Please, Kylo. _Please_ promise me that you'll stop?"

"I will _think_ about it. Please let that be enough," he says tightly. He clenches his jaw and pushes away the confusing storm her pleading has elicited.

Rey blinks quickly and her eyes are still full of worry and fear. But she nods. "I … alright."

She strokes his face and then leans forward, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. He relaxes under her touch and tentatively moves his mouth to hers. He kisses her chastely then tightens his arms around her. She settles in his lap and puts her head against his. Her fingers toy with his hair as he runs his hands along her back. He hears her yawn.

"You're tired," he observes.

"Aren't you?"

"I'm accustomed to little sleep."

Rey looks at him skeptically as she stifles another yawn. "If you say so."

"Come, you may take a nap in my room. I'm afraid your quarters aren't ready yet. I'll get some work done while you sleep." He encourages her off of his lap and they both stand, but he keeps his hand at her back. He doesn't want to be parted from her, but knowing she'd slept on her floor, he wants very much to see her safe and warm, able to sleep in comfort.

She turns towards him and places her hands on his shoulders. He wraps his arms around her waist and draws her close. She looks down for a moment before shyly catching his eyes. "You could … you could nap with me?"

He breathes in sharply and looks at Rey intently. "I'm not sure that's a very good idea."

"I … I'm not ready to be away from you. Feeling you fading from the Bond … I … I need to have you near," she admits.

Knowing that she's feeling the same way that he is, that finally there isn't an ocean of misunderstanding and conflict between them fills him with peace. But he is still cautious. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

Dazedly, he lets her lead him to his bedroom. She pulls back the covers and pushes him in first. Then she wraps herself in his arms and he's only just caught up when he realizes that she's in his bed. _Rey is in his bed_. He's holding her close, her back to his chest, and it's so much more tender than he'd ever imagined. He feels every point where their bodies touch, how solid and real she feels in his arms. Countless nights he'd fallen asleep imagining her with him, and now she is _here_ , pressed tightly against him.

The Bond winds lazily through them and he knows he will never get enough of holding her like this. Everything with Rey is so intense, so total. It's as if she wipes away all of his past and fills him with only her light. He doesn't have to beat back the guilt and the doubt. He can simply _be_ when he's with her. He glances down and sees that she's already fallen asleep. He's overwhelmed by how much he loves her. She's trusting him with her sleeping form. He leans forward and kisses her temple, keeping his lips pressed against her skin. He breathes in her intoxicating scent and he decides he won't sleep. He doesn't want to miss even one moment of this bliss.

* * *

A/N: My beta cup runneth over! This week I was blessed with the marvelous talents of both Meaghan M/Juulna and Hannidae. Meaghan, darling, thank you so much for the last minute phone call, your constant support, and your always flawless editing. Hannidae, thank you for responding so quickly and providing such excellent feedback. I am one lucky writer to have such amazing ladies in my corner.

Thank you to everyone who is reading, following, adding to favorites, and reviewing. I hope you all know how much I treasure you.

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	23. Chapter 23

Groggily he wakes and he's confused. He'd not meant to fall asleep. He'd been watching Rey as she slept and he must have nodded off. Rey. Where is Rey! He sits up in a panic. She's _gone_.

"Rey?" Silence.

"Rey!" he calls out frantically but gets no response.

He tears from his bedroom and looks around his sitting room wildly but she's nowhere to be found. She's run from him. She'd never wanted to be here with him―never. It was all just a ruse so that she could escape. A chill runs down his spine as he realizes he hasn't had the opportunity to order the surveillance team to track her. She could be _anywhere_ and he has no way to find her. She could be stealing a ship _right now._ He's losing her, _he's losing her_.

What a fool he's been; she'd waited until she _knew_ she could run from him. He's breathing fast and he reaches for his comm to order Hux to _lock the_ Finalizer _down._ He won't let her go. Not now. Not _ever_. Dammit, he's left it in his bedroom. He starts back to retrieve it when he notices the door to his sanctuary is open. He's certain he'd closed it.

He rushes into the room of his treasures and finds Rey sitting in the middle of the floor angled away from him, her gown pooled around her. His knees nearly buckle in relief at seeing her, but then he notices his collection of _Rey_ spread out in front of her unnaturally still form.

Everything he'd found of her, all that had been brought back from Jakku, even the images are all there. This is bad. This is very, very bad. She has his blade clutched in one hand and something else in her other fist. Her head is bent and her hair hides her face.

"Rey?" His tone is cautious.

"I wanted to believe that you meant it. I really did," she says quietly.

"Rey, you shouldn't be in here."

She continues as if he hadn't spoken. "I woke up and you were sleeping. Your sleeve had ridden up and I saw all the scars. I decided to get rid of your blade. I wanted to make sure there weren't anymore, so I came in here. I thought it was your training room, like mine." Her voice is flat, toneless.

"Come into the other room. You weren't meant to see this." He should never have brought her to his rooms. He should have hidden his collection, kept it in his office. Something. Anything but this.

She turns her head to look at him and her eyes are smoldering with rage. "Oh, so I wouldn't find out how _unhinged_ you really are?"

"It's not … it's not like that," he offers helplessly.

She jumps to her feet and advances on him. "It's not like what? Not like you've gathered together bits and pieces of me from all across the galaxy? Dozens of images from I don't even know where? Some twisted, melted _thing_ on an altar? A cabinet full of _gifts_ I assume you keep to woo whatever woman has caught your fancy? Nice to know I'm special." Her lips curl in wounded revulsion.

She thinks …? No, no, _no_. "Rey, no, you've misunderstood _everythi-_ "

"I really don't think so. You're _obsessed_ Kylo," she snarls. "I can't believe I let myself forget how you chased me. Stalked me. _Hunted_ me. Did you find new tokens every time you failed to capture me? A consolation prize when you couldn't get the real thing?"

"No! Well, yes. I did keep things of you that I found, but only because I couldn't have you!" Everything is crumbling so quickly and he's having trouble keeping up.

"Have me." She looks at him with contempt.

"I don't mean it like that." He scrubs his face with his hands. He has no idea how to salvage this.

She snorts and gestures to Vader's helmet. "And what about that little piece of horror in the corner?"

"That's Grandfather's mask. It's where I meditate when he speaks to me."

"Right, how could I forget the dead grandfather who _talks_ to you. You really are _demented_."

"He _does_ speak to me!" he protests.

"Here's the thing. I happen to _know_ that he died in the light. You know how I know that? Because your _mother_ talks to him from time to time. He's a Force ghost. And that doesn't happen for users of the dark side."

"No, you're wrong." Leia Organa always lies.

"I'm _really_ not, Kylo."

"He's spoken to me for years―whatever that woman has told you, she's _lying_. Did you ever _see_ him?" he challenges.

Doubt flickers in her eyes. "No. I never saw him." She looks down for a moment before saying confidently, "But Leia told me about him, and I trust her a _hell_ of a lot more than I trust anything you tell me. She told me everything she could; she wanted me to be well armed against _you_." Rey points at him with his blade as she speaks. His eyes widen and she realizes what she's done. She drops the knife as shock fills her face. But she quickly recovers. "You're _insane_ , Kylo. I let myself think, I _wanted_ to think, that I wasn't Bound to a madman. But you-"

"Please, stop, liste-"

"No! You're going to answer my questions and not confuse me with pretty, _meaningless_ words. What about the holos?" she says as she points to the images fanned out along the floor. "There are pictures of me that make no sense, of me in places I've never even _been_."

He closes his eyes tightly. "I … I had the analysts use the few I could find to create others." He'd only done it because the security feeds from the Resistance bases had had such poor image quality. And then once they'd mapped her features it was such a simple matter to request more ...

"And what about the cabinet of perfumes, scarves, _jewelry_? That was a particularly convincing lie, by the way." She puts her hands on her hips and scoffs. "Never kissed anyone, right. Powerful men _always_ have women, and obviously you must have all _sorts_ of women to have so many gifts. Lovely to know you just grabbed something at random to give me."

She's not entirely wrong, but he doesn't dare try to explain how he used to conduct himself―not now. "I wasn't lying Rey. You _are_ the first woman I've kissed. You're the only one I want to _ever_ kiss. Everything in there is for you."

"All that? You've known me less than a year and you expect me to believe that you amassed all of that for _me_?" she asks snidely.

"Of course I did! There's just you. There could only ever _be_ you."

A little bit of her fire leaves her and she breathes out, "Maker, that's almost worse."

"What do you mean?"

"It's _terrifying_. Me, here, with you … it's always been a foregone conclusion to you. You've never cared what I wanted. You have _always_ ignored everything I say. Always. I almost let you make me believe that you see me, that you want _me_ , but no, I'm just a possession for your _collection_. The final piece," she says disgustedly.

"I love you!" He tries to reach for her, but she backs away and looks at him warningly. He lets his hands drop.

"You don't know what love _is_. If you did you'd never have turned your back on your mother."

"Do _not_ bring that woman into this," he spits.

"Why not? She's at the center of all of _everything_. Something went wrong with you, Kylo. Really, really wrong."

He won't let himself be pulled into discussing the Princess. Tensions are so high that there's no way he'll be able to keep his temper if Rey keeps at him about _her_. "Please, Rey. Please. We were just … we were so _close_ , not a few hours ago. Let's go into the sitting room and talk. We said we'd talk," he beseeches, again trying to move towards her.

She steps back and shakes her head emphatically. "Oh no, I'm not giving you the chance to confuse me with how you _twist_ everything."

"I don't understand, I have never lied to you." He's made it a point to never lie to her. Lies cheat. Lies steal. Lies _destroy_.

"You had me believing that you'd never ask anything of me that _I did not wish to give_. I was so overwhelmed with the idea that maybe, just maybe, someone might truly want to keep me that I forgot that you _took_ me." Her eyes sear into his as she says, "You _stole_ me from the only place I've _ever_ belonged. I did not _wish_ to give you my freedom but you never cared. So you might not be willing to force me into your bed, but you'll certainly _take whatever you want_."

He cringes at the echo of his arrogant words on _Starkiller_. "Rey, please. I … don't know what to say. I just … I _need_ you, I have to have you with me."

She clenches her fist around whatever it is that she's holding and she cocks her head. "Forever, I presume?"

"What?"

She walks closer to him and she opens her hand. There, in the center of her palm are the _rings_. Oh Force. His most treasured dream shudders in his heart.

"I suppose that's why Jashad called me 'Lady Rey'?" She looks into his eyes for confirmation. There's no use denying it―he's caught. He nods miserably. "Were you even going to let me decide, or were you just going to inform me on the way to the altar?"

"Of course I was going to let you decide! I truly never want anything from you that you don't give me of your own accord."

"Except my freedom."

He doesn't know what to say. He just looks at her, feeling like a condemned man.

"If I walked out your door—right now—would you let me go?"

He can't speak. He knows he can't let her leave. He knows he _won't_ , but he also knows if he were to admit that it would ruin everything and he's not sure she would ever let him mend it.

"Kylo? Would you let me go?" She enunciates each word precisely and her eyes burn with fury.

He blinks and he has the insane thought of putting her in a Force sleep, altering her memories. Perhaps they could start again? But he _can't_. He promised he'd never push into her mind again and besides, he doesn't want to lose these past few precious days with her.

Her voice rises. "Answer me, Kylo! Tell me right now. If I went out that door, _would you let me go_?"

Oh, how he _wishes_ he could lie to her in this moment, but Kylo knows precisely what happens when you lie.

He can't look at her. He moves his gaze to the floor and finally whispers, "No."

Eventually he glances up and she nods slightly. "That's what I thought." She's radiating hostility and he's beginning to truly panic.

She turns stiffly and goes to his cabinet of gifts, placing the rings back in their drawer. Then she methodically starts packing away all of her things, including the images, back into their chest.

"What are you doing, Rey?" His voice quavers.

"Taking back what's mine," she says coldly.

Once she's finished gathering all of his tokens, she picks up his blade from the floor. She holds his eyes as she purposefully places it with her items. He wants to tell her that she can't have it, she can't take it, but he's too terrified to push her on _anything_.

"Are there any other knives?" she asks.

"No." He has only ever used that particular blade.

"Good."

Rey lifts the chest and starts to walk to the sitting room. Kylo follows her, trying to keep the frantic fear at bay.

She places her things on the floor by the door and she comes to stand in front of him.

"Please take me back to my quarters," she pronounces.

"Rey, no, please … we need to talk about this. Please, _please_ sit and talk with me, let me explain," he begs.

"No. I'm not ready to talk about this. I need some time."

"Time." He does _not_ like the sound of that.

"Yes, I need time. I need to _think_. It's like I can't hold all of it in my head at once. You say that you love me, I feel things for you I can't understand, I find out you've been hoarding pieces of me like some fairy tale creature … You have _wedding rings_ , Kylo. You've planned out my whole life without _once_ asking me what I want. You've ignored the countless times that I've _told_ you what I wanted. Apparently your knights already think of me as _Lady Rey_ , for Maker's sake. I don't know how to trust anything that comes out of your mouth. I need time."

"How much time?" he asks warily.

"I don't know."

He clenches his jaw. "Unacceptable."

"Too bad. I will tell you when I'm ready to see you. If you're serious about this, prove to me that you can respect my wishes. You've never done so up until now. The closest you came was removing the stormtroopers from my door and you _obviously_ never meant to give me my freedom. So you," she points at his chest, "Kylo Ren, are going to prove that you can be patient and do this on my terms."

"And if I do this, you will be mine?"

Rey breathes out in exasperation. "You really do have a talent for putting things in absolutely the _worst_ way possible. No, I won't be _yours_ , but I will keep _trying_. When I'm ready. When you've shown me I can trust you to do what _I_ want, not what you've decided _for_ me."

"And dinners?" he asks hopefully. Perhaps this isn't as horrible as it seems.

She shakes her head. "No―no dinners. I'm not going to see you until I'm ready."

Dread settles in his stomach. "No, I won't accept that. I won't have you so close and not be able to see you."

"Well you are going to have to find a way to manage it."

"Please, _please_ don't ask this of me. Anything but this. Just let me see you, just for an hour a day. I won't try to touch you, I promise," he pleads. It will just go back to like it was before; he can control himself. He can't lose her attention―he _can't_.

Her eyes grow troubled. "Kylo … this … this isn't about you touching me. I … I _like_ touching you. I … I just … Maker, I need some time to _think_." She looks to the ceiling and runs her hands through her hair.

He's growing desperate. "Don't shut me out, not like earlier. Don't shut me out." The blinding agony of this morning is clawing at his chest.

She looks at him and regret moves across her face. "I'm not shutting you out. This isn't like that."

"Yes it is!" he insists.

"It's just too much to take in! Can't you understand that? So much has happened, finding all of _that_ , my mother… it's too much! I don't know what to think, how to feel, who I am … who _you_ are. You _kidnapped_ me, Kylo." Her eyes plead with him and he doesn't understand. She'd left him no choice!

"I didn't know what else to _do_! Rey, please, just ... just a few minutes a day, that's all I ask."

Her jaw tightens and she looks away, obviously thinking hard. The silence stretches and it's all he can do to keep from pleading. Finally she returns her gaze to his and says, "No. I'm sorry."

"Rey … please."

"No! When I'm with you everything gets confused! I _have_ to have the time to untangle it all."

They look at each other for a long time and finally Kylo's shoulders fall in defeat. "At leastgive me _some_ idea of how long this will be?"

"I don't know! That's the whole point. I need to know that I can take as much time as I need. And if that's a week, a month, a _year_ , you are going to give it to me."

He feels as the color drains from his face and he gasps out, "A year?" He'd thought a few days, maybe, but this is … _this_ is incomprehensible. The fear is nearly incapacitating.

"I don't think I'll need that much time … I just … I just need to know that I get to _choose_. I didn't get to choose this Bond, I didn't get to choose to be here with you. Please Kylo, let me choose when I'm ready to see you?"

"I … Rey …" He's trying so hard to keep from coming undone, hold onto the idea that he's not losing her, but he's embarrassingly close to falling to his knees and begging.

"After everything, you _owe_ me this." Her eyes flash with anger.

His thoughts are racing. He could refuse her demand, keep guards posted in her rooms to ensure she doesn't lock him out again, and then continue to talk to her, see her … but he's fairly certain she would hate him if he did that. Yes, he would still be able to spend time with her, but he doesn't want it to be like that. He doesn't want to treat her like a prisoner. But he must know she won't run from him. "If I agree to this, you won't try to escape?"

Rey sighs. "There's really no point in trying to leave. I know you'd just capture me again. And I _do_ I have feelings for you. But that's as much as you're going to get from me right now."

He tries to find some comfort in her acknowledgedment that she feels something for him as he accepts that he must do this.

"Alright, Rey … Alright." Agreeing to this feels like shards of ice are digging into his heart. "But, at least … at least tell me that you know that I love you?"

Her eyes finally soften. She moves closer to him and she cups his cheek with her hand and he realizes he doesn't know the next time he's going to feel her touch. His throat grows very tight and his eyes sting.

Rey presses her fingers against his face and says, "I know that … I know that there _is_ something between us that cannot be denied. I know that somewhere inside you is someone who used to know how to love. I'm counting on him."

He holds her eyes for a long time, not wanting this moment to end. As soon as she withdraws from him he knows he's going to have to take her back to her quarters. He can't suppress the pained sound that escapes him as she pulls her hand away.

She goes to where she'd left the chest of her things and picks them up. "Please take me to my quarters."

Suddenly he remembers state of her entryway and he hopes he has a brief reprieve. "Your door may not be fixed."

"Then check."

Kylo goes to his console and his heart sinks as he sees the message indicating that the work has been completed. He stares at the words for a long time. Finally he breathes in sharply and turns back to her.

"It's ready," he says resignedly. She looks at the door expectantly.

He stands in front of her and reaches for the chest. "Please … let me carry that for you?" he asks.

She thinks for a moment then nods. He takes it from her and tries to ignore the terror. But he can't. He looks down briefly and murmurs, "Please don't do this."

"Kylo … I need this." She sounds almost pitying but it doesn't stop him from trying to think of _anything_ to make her stay.

He catches her eyes. "But what if I must tell you something? What about when Jashad and Palek return with the location of your mother? They're due back at any time."

She goes rigid and blinks quickly. "If you need to tell me something, you may send me a message. Please don't abuse that."

"And what about the Resistance? I was going to delay … things so that we could talk." He's grasping; he must keep her here.

Her eyes grow hard. "Are you threatening me with retaliation against the Resistance, then?"

"No! I just … I meant … I don't know what I meant. I just can't bear this. Don't make me do this."

"Kylo, stop. I've explained. It's time. Take me back to my quarters." Her tone is firm … final.

He looks into her eyes and wills her to relent, but she just returns his gaze stonily. Eventually she huffs a little breath and moves to open the door. Prodded into action, he opens it and indicates she should precede him. As she walks past him he sees the ribbon holding the broken necklace still wrapped around her neck and he tries to believe that it means something, that this will be over soon.

They walk silently down the corridor. They're halfway to her rooms when he realizes they're both barefoot and he's still in only his tunic and trousers. He hadn't even noticed in his distraught state and he finds he can't bring himself to care if he's seen.

Her rooms draw closer and each step is growing harder. Then they reach her quarters and she opens her door. He follows her inside and places the chest of her things on the table meant for his helmet. He knows he needs to leave her, but he finds he can't move. He just stands there, his knuckles white as he holds the chest's handles tightly.

Eventually she calls out softly, "Kylo," and he forces himself to release the chest and turn to her. His eyes roam over her greedily, trying to capture _everything_ before he's sent away. Her expression is sad and her eyes are conflicted. She starts towards him then stops herself. She looks away for a moment before coming to stand in front of him.

She reaches out and takes his hands in hers and draws him to the door. He doesn't move for a moment, then she's tugging and he _makes_ himself walk forward. Now they're standing before her door and she looks into his eyes.

It's taking everything he has not to break down. He knows he can't speak, it would only come out as a sob. She doesn't move to open the door and he wonders if she means for him to do it. He's not going to; he's going to stand here, holding her hands for as long as she'll let him.

Her lovely hazel eyes are full of pain and he's so confused. She's asked that he do this, give her time away from him, but she seems just as lost and unwilling to be parted as he is. He's shocked when she shudders and wraps her arms around him. He blinks once, twice, then he's returning her embrace, trying to infuse her with his devotion.

Oh Rey. She's so warm, so soft, and he holds her as tightly as he can. He caresses the top of her head, then he shifts so that he can press a kiss against her temple, feel her perfect skin against his lips one more time. Then she begins to move in his arms and a desperate whimper escapes him. He's not ready. He can't _do_ this.

But then she presses her lips against his, kissing him gently. He knows he shouldn't, but he swiftly moves his hands to her face and holds her fast, deepening the kiss. She doesn't stop him, instead matching his intensity.

He fills his kiss with how much he loves her, how he can't live without her, how he'll do anything for her. It's desperate and fraught and it goes on and on, until finally, Rey pulls back—but only a bit. He rests his forehead against hers, still holding her face. They're both breathing heavily and he realizes Rey is trembling. Maker, it _hurts_.

"Please …" he murmurs, grateful his voice doesn't crack.

She draws back and pulls his hands from her face, but she laces her fingers through his. Rey looks away and he feels tension moving through her. She looks back into his eyes and she seems torn and broken. He has no idea how to interpret her expression. "Kylo … I … I'm sorry. No."

Rey drops one of his hands and turns to open her door. She draws her thumb across the hand she's still holding before letting go of it, as well. Every single part of him is screaming at him to pull her back and never let her go, but he holds himself still. Her gaze goes to the floor and she takes in a deep breath before she says, "It's time."

He stands, waiting for her to look back up, but she doesn't. She wraps her arms around herself, continuing to keep her eyes down. He's run out of ways to delay this. Finally he pulls together all of his will and manages to walk through her door. He feels like his chest is caving in and he's having trouble breathing. He turns to see her just one more time and she finally looks up.

Her eyes are filled with anguish. She's so beautiful and he tries to burn her face into his memory. Then her hand raises to the panel and she holds his gaze as her door slides shut, cleaving his heart in two. Kylo gasps as he feels like something vital, _essential_ has snapped. She's gone. He brushes against the Bond, hoping for one last moment of contact, but he finds her walls as strong as ever. He's shut out. Rey is only footsteps away from him, yet he feels as if a vast distance has opened between them and he has no idea how to cross it.

* * *

He's back in his quarters; he's not sure how long he had stared at her door with unseeing eyes before stumbling back to his rooms.

He paces back and forth, his hands clenching and unclenching. He _craves_ his blade, but she's taken it. He considers going to his training room. There must be _something_ he could use there … but he _had_ told Rey that he would think about stopping. She wants him to prove to her that he can respect her wishes so that is what he will do, starting with this. But … perhaps it would quiet the clamoring in his brain? She would never know. All he needs to do is find another blade … He prefers his ritual, but surely this would bring him the peace that he needs? No. No! She's asked him not to do that anymore so he won't … well he'll try not to, at any rate.

Temporary. This is temporary. He managed _months_ without her. She said that once he's given her this time she will continue to try. She will be back in his arms and everything will be alright. He can do this.

Pace, pace, pace. He will concentrate on the First Order, he'll keep her from his mind. The time will pass quickly. He's been ignoring his duties as of late, anyway. He never should have left the aftermath of the Resistance's attack to Hux, but he simply hadn't cared.

Yes, there are things he must attend to.

* * *

He stalks the corridors and he's nearly to the bridge. He's been cataloguing all that he must do. Everything he's _ignored_. He's not even glanced at the initial reports from the Resistance attack. Frankly, he hasn't bothered with much of anything since Ilaria, since he found … he pushes the thought away.

He needs to gather the Knights of Ren, discuss how the recent losses affect their postings. He'd been close to sending them back to their ships, now that she … he shakes his head, trying to keep his mind free of anguished hazel eyes. Plans―he must make plans for how to best utilize his knights. There's so much to do. It will be fine.

* * *

He's back in his quarters and it's very late … very _early_. He'd inhaled reports and kept Hux until well past midnight, making plans for expanding First Order territory. He'd refused to discuss the Resistance attack, much to the exasperated general's dismay. Eventually he'd had no choice but to return to his quarters―he'd been falling asleep at his desk.

He goes to his bedroom and stops dead as he looks at the rumpled bedding. He can almost _feel_ her in his arms as she'd slept and he staggers. He's assaulted by the memories he'd spent _hours_ shoving beneath duty. Her gasp as he'd sucked at her neck … her cold eyes as she'd sentenced him to _this_. Her delighted smile when she'd made fire with the Force … her face as the door slid shut. Over and over again he sees her eyes disappear behind the durasteel. He grabs his head and clenches his eyes shut against the images.

Once he manages to push them away, he undresses and slips beneath the covers. Immediately the scent of _Rey_ washes over him, taking him down, down, _down_. He pounds at his forehead with his fists and growls in tortured frustration. For months his fantasies had sustained him, but _knowing_ that she'd been in his bed torments and taunts.

If he can't keep her from his mind, he'll try to focus on how _good_ she feels. How delicious it was to kiss her. He recalls the weight of her on his lap, the feeling of her stroking his face. He closes his eyes and tries to lose himself in the memory of how her skin tastes, of the heat of moving his lips against hers. Yes, that's it.

The blissful memories cascade through him. He's plunging his tongue into her mouth, her fingers are digging into his bare back, he's _thrusting_ against her. Yes, yes, _yes_. He can _feel_ her hands in his hair, how she'd wrapped her legs around him. Oh Force, how she'd ground herself against his length. Now that he _knows_ what she feels like, smells like, _tastes_ like, he's painfully hard. It's been so long; perhaps he won't feel so empty afterwards, now that she's near? His hand is about to … but then he sees the warmth bleed from Rey's bright open eyes and the door is again sliding shut, stealing her away from him. He's lost her, he's lost her …

He buries his face in the pillow infused with her essence and he _screams_.

* * *

Thank you to my dear friend and excellent beta Meaghan M/Juulna. I am continually impressed by your grace, compassion, and brilliance. You are rare and wonderful. Thank you so much for everything you do for me.

Thank you readers! This week has made me especially grateful for how amazing you all are. Thank you so much for giving your time to my story and for every hit, follow, favorite, and review.


	24. Chapter 24

Kylo is standing in his office, staring at his desk. In the center is a package from Loria. It's the candy Rey had said she liked. It was just a whim, something small to make her smile, but it has him caught in a place of profound indecision. She'd said that he could send her a message, but would having this delivered to her rooms be acceptable? Would she feel that he'd overstepped her very clear line?

So he stands, just looking at the non-descript box. He's exhausted; he hasn't slept in two days—not really. There had been no sleep last night and the attack on the fleet had ensured he'd not slept the night prior. He'd only slept a few hours yesterday morning, then an hour at most while holding Rey … He takes in a shuddering breath, trying to keep from being pulled under.

Somehow, Kylo had found himself lingering outside of her rooms this morning. He'd almost lain his hand against her door, but he'd been seized by the fear that she would sense him, so he'd hurried away.

He doesn't know how to cope with this new reality. In the months between _Starkiller_ and finding her, he'd had his collection, his fantasies … his blade. But now he has nothing but her mark along his face. He cannot comfort himself with images of his beloved, feel her scarf between his fingers. He cannot find the peace of drawing his knife along his arm. He cannot find distraction in his daydreams of their future together.

He'd quickly found that imagining her skin beneath his fingers _hurts_. He used to be able to drown in thoughts of her, spend hours dwelling in his meager trove of memories. All he'd had to do was recall how her delicate face had looked while he crouched at her feet, waiting for her to wake, and he'd been transported to that blissful place of _Rey_.

Now he has _days_ of precious memories to pore over, the knowledge of how her eyes look filled with desire … for _him_ , how her breath catches as he kisses along her neck, how she feels in his arms. But he finds he can't fall into his heart and lose himself in her. Instead, each memory inevitably leads to her eyes disappearing behind her door.

To think of her is to be engulfed in terror. It's been less than a day since he's seen her and already the pain of missing her is threatening to destroy him. He tries to tell himself that it will be over soon, that she's still here, that this will pass—but somehow hope eludes him. He lists for the tenth, _hundredth_ time his reasons to believe it will be alright. She'd told him she has feelings for him. She'd said that she would try. She'd kissed him goodbye. _Goodbye_. Oh Force, his eyes are stinging again and he shakes his head angrily.

He takes a deep breath and tries again. She had been wearing the gems from his gift around her neck. She had taken his blade from him because she did not wish him to be hurt. It had been difficult for her to watch him leave. She hadn't seemed as if she wanted to be parted. Parted. Shut out. End. No, no, no! Temporary; this is temporary. For months he'd subsisted on scraps and hints; she's still here, he has her, it will be over soon. Soon, soon, soon.

"Supreme Leader?"

Startled, Kylo whirls to find Hux looking at him with … concern?

"What is it, Hux?" he growls through his mask.

The general pauses, his lips pursed and brow furrowed. Then Hux stands straighter and his face returns to its usual passive countenance. "Jashad and Palek Ren have returned from their mission."

 _Qree_. Rey's beautiful face, tracked with tears, pulls at him. He remembers how he'd carried her to her bed after she'd fallen asleep protected in the shelter of his arms. How he'd whispered he loved her. He has to find a way to function. Everything reminds him of her and he thinks just a few more days of this might finally push him over the edge. What if she really does keep him away for a month—a _year_? He clenches his teeth and tries to focus.

He might as well meet with the Knights of Ren now, get that over with. He'll deal with the package from Loria later. "Have all of the knights assemble in my hall."

"Yes, Supreme Leader." Hux turns to leave when Kylo stops him.

"And confirm that the stormtrooper detail has been removed from the girl's door. Have her placed under surveillance. I want to be informed of her movements _immediately_."

"Sir?"

"Was I unclear?" Kylo says with annoyance.

"Forgive me, Supreme Leader. I simply wish to ensure that I've understood correctly. You wish to remove her guards and replace them with more … circumspect means?

"That is what I said." He doesn't like discussing Rey.

"Does that mean she will be free to roam the ship?" the general asks with narrowed eyes.

"She can do what she likes." She always does anyway.

"You are going to allow a known Resistance member free run of the ship?" Hux sputters.

"She can't access anything particularly sensitive, and besides, what would she do with any information she might be able to glean?"

"Sir, she escaped _you_ on _Starkiller_."

"Hence the surveillance, _Hux_ ," Kylo says dangerously as he strides forward, looming over the frustrating general. Kylo is barely holding on and does not even _begin_ to have the ability to navigate Hux's disapproval. "Are you finished questioning my orders?"

Hux's eyes widen but he recovers himself. "I meant no disrespect, sir. She will be under surveillance within minutes. You will be kept apprised of her … activities."

"I don't simply want a report at the end of the day, I wish to know where she is at all times." He may not be able to be in her presence, but he knows he wouldn't be able to focus on _anything_ if he didn't know where she was.

"Yes, sir."

"Good." Kylo steps back and returns to staring at the package on his desk. He remembers something he had attempted to do for her, before she'd sent him away. "Oh, and Hux?" he says, not bothering to look at the general.

"Yes, Supreme Leader?"

"KS-2153's duty schedule now includes spending every afternoon with the girl."

For a long moment Hux doesn't say anything and Kylo turns his head to inspect the irritatingly necessary man. Finally Hux says, "Yes, Supreme Leader." His tone is resigned.

* * *

He sweeps into the cavernous chamber. He still detests the reminder of Snoke, but certain trappings are unavoidable.

All are seated but Wylan, who is leaning casually against the wall. _Wylan_. He's overwhelmed by hatred as he remembers what Wylan had done on Vren. Vren. Where she had _kissed_ him. Where she had opened the Bond and let him teach her, finally teach her. Where she had _run_ from him.

Fury is riding him hard. He recalls the satisfied smile on the other man's smug face as he'd shown Rey how to unlock the puzzle box. Under his helmet, his lips curl in disgust as he remembers the way Wylan had stood so close to _his_ Rey. He'd purposefully _told_ her that the knights were there to guard her, disobeying a direct order, challenging him. Wylan Ren has always _challenged_ him. But this time, he had done it in front of _her_.

The fear as Rey had disappeared from his sight courses through him. _Wylan_ had done that. Wylan had gained Rey's _attention_. Attention Kylo no longer has. She'd been bursting with excitement as she'd so _easily_ shared her joy with his loathed rival. Potent jealousy races through him and before he even knows what he's doing, he slams Wylan down on the table and pins him with the Force.

"Supreme Leader!" Vitok exclaims.

"Silence, Vitok. I've allowed you quite enough leniency," he orders, never taking his eyes from his prey. "Wylan Ren," Kylo growls. "Tell me, did you think it was _wise_ to ignore my instructions?"

"Did I cause problems with the lovely _Lady Rey_?" Wylan taunts.

Pulsing _rage_ riots through Kylo's brain and he reaches out and chokes him with the Force. Wylan, who has always despised him, always known just where to land his hits— _Wylan_ had made Rey smile that smile that should only be for _him_. He'd almost lost her. His vision is taken over by the image of Rey beaming happily up at Wylan and he squeezes harder. Wylan is gasping and his hands are scrabbling at his throat. Dimly he hears calls of "Supreme Leader," then "Kylo," but he ignores them.

Kylo is going to kill this man. He'd tried to get between him and Rey and not even _Snoke_ had survived that. No one will _ever_ stand between him and his beloved. Not even her. He won't allow it. He doesn't care who he has to kill, what he has to do, to protect what is his. Anyone who threatens that will suffer the consequences.

Wylan is starting to shake and Kylo grins as he senses the life leaving him. It feels _good_ to hold such power over another. There, he feels as a bone in his neck snaps and it is _exceptionally_ satisfying. Hands are pulling at him, but he keeps his focus. Then suddenly he's knocked off his feet as Palek barrels into him and they land in a heap.

Kylo snarls and Force pushes Palek against the wall as he gains his feet. He stalks towards Wylan's shuddering body.

"Kylo!" Vitok yells as she tries to grab him by the shoulders. Kylo shakes her off and advances on Wylan. Vitok and Natan rush between Kylo and the injured knight and Jashad goes to Palek's side, helping him to his feat.

"Kylo, stop!" Kylo hesitates. He doesn't want to hurt Vitok, not really.

"Kylo, you have to get yourself under control," she pleads.

"No! Wylan tried to take Rey from me—he must die," Kylo says viciously.

Vitok and Natan stand firmly between Kylo and Wylan. "You _can't_ kill another of us; not after Demyan!"

Vitok's words slice through him as Orin's open face swims through his memories. Flashes of his saber plunging into Demyan's back overtake him. He's frozen and breathing hard as he's lost in a loop of violence and loss. Vitok uses the opportunity to take charge.

"Jashad, Palek, get him out of here!" They hurry to obey and carry the half-dead man out swiftly.

Natan moves to the side, watching.

Kylo can't break out of the cage of memory, now caught watching _her_ face disappear behind the durasteel as the door closes between them. Vitok continues to stand in front of him and the sense of danger is dissipating.

"Supreme Leader?" Vitok says cautiously.

Kylo stands perfectly still.

"Supreme Leader?"

Vitok sighs. "Something happened with Rey, didn't it."

The sound of Rey's name pulls him from his stupor. "That's none of your concern," he snaps, not meeting her gaze.

"You just tried to kill Wylan after you _did_ kill Demyan. As a Knight of Ren I think that _makes_ it my concern."

Kylo doesn't say anything, bowing his head.

"You said you would let me help you."

He nods slightly.

Vitok's stance relaxes. "Natan, would you give us the room?"

Natan says nothing, simply gliding from the chamber.

"Tell me what happened," Vitok requests once they're alone.

Kylo's shoulders fall in resignation. The adrenaline is leaving him and he wonders if perhaps he _should_ talk with Vitok. Suddenly he doesn't want to wear his helmet and he jerks it from his head. Vitok tilts her head but mirrors his actions. Her eyes are patient and warm and Kylo remembers how he used to talk with her when he was a boy. He can't remember why he'd stopped.

"She's refusing to see me."

"What did you do?" she asks.

His head snaps up. "Do? Why must it be that I did something?"

Vitok crosses her arms and simply looks at him.

Kylo finally admits, "She saw … she saw some things she shouldn't have."

"Such as?"

"I … while I was trying to find her, sometimes I would come across things of hers. And I … I kept them." Saying it out loud makes him uncomfortable and he's not sure why. It was perfectly reasonable to want to have mementos of her.

"So she found her things."

"Yes … and … there were images …" He's confused by the shame running through him. She's _his_ , they are _Bound_ , and there was nothing wrong with wanting to look on her face.

"And?" Vitok pushes.

"Why must there be more?" Kylo says testily.

"Because I've known you since you were 11 and I know what it means when you hunch your shoulders just so."

He leans against the table, crossing his arms. He sighs before saying, "I also have a cabinet of gifts, jewelry and whatnot. She assumed that I had them to give to whatever woman happened to be warming my bed."

"And do you?" Vitok asks keenly.

He looks up sharply. "No! No … I've not had relationships of that sort." He'd never had them in his rooms and there'd certainly never been a _bed_ involved.

Vitok nods. "Anything else?"

He's surprised at how difficult it is to tell her the last part. "She found … she found the rings. The wedding rings."

Vitok looks to the ceiling for a moment. "Oh, Kylo … she's only been with you for a _week_."

"I know!"

"What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't! I haven't been _thinking_ since Takodana! I … I just … Vitok, she may have only been here for a week, but I've … I've loved her since I first saw her." He looks into Vitok's eyes, willing her to comprehend just a little bit of his torment. "It's been nearly a year and I know there is no one for me but her. I saw the rings and I just … they made me think of her eyes, the way the metal swirled and glinted. I _didn't_ think about it. I just … hoped."

Vitok's eyes are concerned. "As far as I've been able to piece together, she was your prisoner, she escaped, and then you didn't seen her until Ilaria. You've only spent a handful of days with her, yet you're so _sure_ about her. That … worries me."

Kylo hasn't told anyone about the Bond. He's not sure if he should. It's dear, precious … sacred. But he needs for someone else to _understand_. He'd been holding on to the idea that once Rey was here he would finally be able to share what's inside of him, but it's all grown so confused. He's cracking and maybe, just maybe, he can trust Vitok. What if she knows something more about Force Bonds? He decides he will take this risk.

"I would prefer you not share this."

"Of course I won't. I never shared your confidences when you were a boy, did I?"

"No … no you didn't."

"Well then."

"When we … met …" he begins cautiously. Vitok raises a brow. He huffs and says, "Alright, when I _captured_ her-"

"The first time."

"You are _not_ making this easier."

"You're right, I apologize. It's just been such a long time since you've really talked to me. It's difficult not to tease you like I used to. I always thought you liked it that I did."

"I did," he says softly. It had always made him feel like Vitok knew him, _saw_ him. When she was Shree. "But things have changed since then …" For a moment he remembers how she'd always known when he'd needed to talk, when he was about to burst with rage or frustration.

"Yes, they have. But you can still trust me. Please, tell me what you were going to say," she entreats gently.

Kylo considers Vitok before finally continuing. "Something ... happened, on _Starkiller_. I … I was interrogating her …" He looks down. He doesn't like what he did. He doesn't like that he hurt Rey. It's the most important thing that has _ever_ happened to him and he would never change one moment of that day for fear of losing the Bond, but he'll never be able to take back what he did to her before he'd comprehended who she was—who she _is_ —to him.

He clears his throat and returns his gaze to Vitok. "I was trying to find the map to Skywalker and she pushed back. In that moment we were ... Bound." He see's Vitok's confusion and he clarifies. "We share a Force Bond."

Vitok blinks. "I see."

"Do you?" he asks plaintively. He's been so alone, needing, _wanting_.

"I think so. It certainly _does_ explain things. Though … spontaneously like that … I honestly don't recall much about them, but that is especially unusual, isn't it?"

"As far as I've been able to find in the archives, yes. All I know for certain is that it's permanent and it's _strong_. Being away from her … it's _agony_. It nearly tore me apart. I thought it would get better once she was here, but … in some ways it's worse."

"What do you mean?"

Kylo doesn't know how to talk about this. It's too personal. How can he possibly explain to Vitok the nearly incapacitating need to touch Rey? "Having her here … it's difficult to focus on anything but her."

Vitok smiles and says, "Forgive me, but I think that's true of anyone in love." Kylo looks at her skeptically.

She pauses, assimilating this new information. "Alright, now that I understand why you've been acting in such an _extreme_ manner, let's figure out how to fix this. So she's refusing to see you."

Kylo pushes away from the table and begins to pace. "Yes. She says she needs _time_." He spits out the hated word.

Vitok continues to stand, watching as he moves back and forth across the room. "I imagine finding all of that was quite a lot for her to come to terms with all at once. The poor girl is likely terrified."

Kylo stops his agitated movements and turns to Vitok. "I never meant to frighten her! I just … you don't know what those months of searching _did_ to me. I … sometimes having her things, being able to look at pictures of her … dream of a future … it was the only thing that kept me _sane_." Kylo looks away.

"Do you understand why she might find that rather overwhelming?"

Kylo purses his lips, thinking. "I … maybe. Not really. She knows how I feel about her. Well … she doesn't believe me, but I _have_ told her. Is it so wrong that I needed her so much that I took what I could?"

"From a certain point of view it's actually quite flattering. However, you can be a bit … intense. Try to think about it from her perspective. I understand about the Bond, how that changes things. But … there's no good way to say this. Keeping her things like that, it's somewhat … disturbing."

"Why?" He shakes his head and looks at Vitok with confusion.

"Because it's a violation of her privacy. You didn't ask, you just took."

"How was I meant to ask her? She kept running from me!" he exclaims in exasperation.

"That might be part of the issue as well. You took her, too."

"She gave me no choice!" He's growing angry now.

Vitok raises a placating hand. "Calm down. I understand that you didn't perceive another way to handle things. There's nothing you can do to change what's already transpired." Perceive? He almost asks her what she means by that but Vitok keeps speaking. "What you need to do now is be patient. Give her the time that she's asked for."

He's not sure he can do that. "But she said it could be a year!"

Vitok's head cocks and she taps a finger on her lower lip. "What did she actually _say_?"

"That if she needed a week, a month, a year, that I was to give it to her."

Her shoulders relax. "Ah, I see." She shakes her head and says, "No, it won't be a year. She might make you wait a month to make a point, though."

He glowers. "What sort of _point_?"

"That you aren't in charge of her."

"Of course I'm not in charge of her! Maker, she's in control of _everything_."

"Well, no … she's not."

"Yes she is!" he insists. Rey had also told him that he was the one making decisions when it's perfectly plain that he's at her mercy.

"She has as much or as little control as you give her."

"No! It's always been on her terms. Always. I begged her to come to me. I promise you, I've absolutely no pride when it comes to her."

Vitok sighs heavily. "May I ask you a question?"

"Yes," he answers warily.

"Did you hunt her throughout the galaxy? Chase her clear across the star systems?" Vitok asks bluntly.

There's a sharp stab of _something_ in his gut and he feels like he did when Vitok would catch him and Orin sneaking about in the middle of the night. He looks away before finally murmuring, "Yes."

"Did you give her a choice to come with you?"

Suddenly he wants to leave. He doesn't want to talk about this anymore.

"This is important. Please answer my question. Did you give her any choice?" Vitok's tone is kind, but forceful.

His jaw works furiously but he still doesn't say anything.

"Kylo …" she says with a hint of reproach.

"No! Alright? No, I didn't give her a choice," he bursts out. "But I knew that once she was here she would start to see, she would understand, she would forgive me!"

"But she never got to choose, did she?"

His head is filled with Rey's voice. _I didn't get to choose this Bond, I didn't get to choose to be here with you. Please Kylo, let me choose when I'm ready to see you?_ He closes his eyes tightly and clenches his fists. When he finally looks back to Vitok he finds disappointment in their warm depths.

"Did she?" Vitok repeats.

"No … no, she didn't," he admits in defeat.

"So who's really in control here?"

"I always do everything she asks of me," he offers in defense.

"Did she ask you to let her go?"

He looks away again. He should put a stop to this. He should refuse to answer her questions. But … what if Vitok knows what to do? Eventually he says in a low voice, "Yes, she did."

"And you didn't let her go. So when you say you always do what she asks you to do, that's not really true, is it?"

"No," he acknowledges miserably.

Vitok approaches him and hesitates before laying her hand on his arm. At first he wants to shrink from her gesture. It fills him with conflicted feelings. No one has touched him with concern but Rey, not since … He returns his attention to his knight. "Right now Rey needs to feel like she has some control over her life. You need to show her that you will respect her choices, even if you don't like them."

"But what if she really does make me wait a year?" he asks fearfully.

She looks at him knowingly. "She won't. It's obvious that she cares for you. Even when we … found her on Ilaria, I could see it. Just be patient."

"I don't know how I'll survive it," he says bleakly.

"It won't be long, I promise. On Vren she came back when you gave her the space to do so. She'll agree to see you again soon enough."

Kylo glances away, wanting very much to believe Vitok's words.

* * *

It's late in the afternoon and Jashad and Palek Ren are standing in front of his desk. The events of earlier ensured he's not yet heard what had transpired with Sylten Qree.

"Report," he orders.

Jashad steps forward and says, "We left Qree on Talnat with his ship and his credits."

"Since you have returned I assume you have the location of Lann Tren?"

"Yes, as of a year ago she was on Deshrah. She joined the Order of the K'Ruhr."

Kylo has never heard of them, his dealings with the Church of the Force quite enough for him on the subject of religion. Deshrah … it's only a day from their current position. Excellent. The sooner he finds Lann Tren, the sooner Rey will have no choice but to see him, though after speaking with Vitok he sees that he will need to ask her first before taking any action. He must prove to her that he will no longer make decisions for her.

"Anything else?"

Jashad looks to the ceiling. "Well … Qree, he might have _slipped_ on his way up the ramp."

"I see," Kylo says, pleased he did not need to order his knights to deal with Qree appropriately. "Did the fall kill him?" he asks hopefully.

"Unfortunately, no. However the damage was quite … extensive."

Kylo nearly orders Jashad to offer up the memory to him.

* * *

He agonizes over what to write to her. She _had_ said that he could send her a message when he had news of her mother. He wants to go to her, talk to her, but Vitok says he must be patient. Must give her this despised _time_.

He wants … he wants to apologize, to explain. Much as he does not like what Vitok had said, perhaps she is right. He supposes he didn't give Rey a choice. He couldn't take the chance. But he hadn't meant to make her feel that she has no agency. He has no wish to control her. He just wants her to understand, to see that he'd only done the things he had because of how much he loves her. Surely that would make sense to her?

He shakes his head. None of these musings address the matter at hand.

Finally he types. He drafts it over and over again, desperate pleadings falling from his fingertips. Then he remembers her admonishment not to abuse this privilege. It is the only way he has of contacting her and he's _terrified_ of losing _this_ as well. Eventually he is satisfied.

 _Jashad and Palek Ren have returned. Your mother is on Deshrah. With your permission, we will proceed there at once. I await your instructions._

He looks at his words for a long time and thinks of all he didn't say. _I'm sorry, I need you, forgive me, let me in. I love you, I love you, I love you …_

He doesn't want to send it. So long as he delays, he feels almost connected to her. But the sooner it is away, the sooner he will receive something in return. As minimal as it is likely to be, it will be precious because it will be from _her_.

He sends his message.

* * *

Hux strides into his office, responding to Kylo's summons.

"Have KS-2153 report to me immediately," Kylo orders. He may not be able to see his beloved, but she'd never said anything about talking to those who are allowed the right.

"Yes, sir." Hux hesitates before saying, "There is another matter."

He waits for Hux to continue and finally prods the exasperating man. "Yes?"

"Wylan Ren is recovering in medical. The doctors indicate he will be there for several days. Apparently someone crushed his neck."

"Hmm. Thank you for informing me," Kylo says coolly. He wouldn't mind terribly if Wylan were to die on a mission, but he is somewhat relieved that he hadn't killed him. He doesn't want his knights to think he's going to pick them off one at a time.

Hux lingers, clearly wishing to say something else. He really does hate this little quirk of the general's.

"Out with it, Hux."

"You are generally occupied at this hour," he says carefully.

The reminder that he is _not_ in her quarters sharing her company carves into his chest. He's acutely aware that he should be gazing into her lovely eyes, perhaps even holding her close on her settee as they wait for dinner to arrive instead of dealing with _Hux_. Maker, he _misses_ her. "Do not remark upon things that are none of your business," Kylo says as he raises a threatening hand.

Hux steps back but his face remains free of expression. "I will have the stormtrooper in question here shortly."

"Indeed."

* * *

"KS-2153." Kylo regards the terrified stormtrooper standing stiffly before his desk. "You spent the afternoon with Rey."

"Yes, sir." Her voice quavers.

"How did she seem?" He sits forward in his chair.

"She is in good health, sir."

"I don't mean her health! What was her mood? How did she _seem_?" Does she miss him a fraction of how he's missing her?

The trooper stays silent.

"Well?" he prods impatiently.

"I don't understand the question, sir."

Kylo stands from his desk and approaches his only link with Rey.

"I _mean_ was she happy? Angry … sad?" Is she suffering as he is? Did she give any hint that she would relent?

"She never said, sir."

Kylo huffs in frustration. Rey had once said that conversing with him was like talking to a rock and he wonders if this is what she meant. "Fine. What did you speak of?"

"I …" KS-2153 is nearly vibrating with fear.

"Answer the question," he says dangerously, his voice modulator adding menace to his tone.

He watches as the stormtrooper pulls herself to her full height. "She's been so good to me, I don't think I should."

"I am the Supreme Leader; I _am_ the First Order. Your entire life is in my hands," Kylo reminds her lowly.

The trooper shrinks into herself. "Please don't make me, sir."

"Do you _want_ to be sent for reconditioning?" He stands over her, using his considerable height to intimidate Rey's _friend_.

"Please, sir, no," she pleads.

" _Then tell me what you talked about_."

Finally the stormtrooper hangs her head and whispers, "Finn. She's very worried about Finn. And someone named Poe."

He doesn't care about Resistance scum. He wants to know what she said about _him_. "What else?"

"I ..."

"I do not wish to do this the hard way." Rey wouldn't like it. "But I will," he says in a low, threatening voice as he lifts his hand, about to enter her mind.

The stormtrooper pulls back, staring at his hovering hand. Eventually she nods in defeat.

He drops his arm. "Now, tell me everything. What she said, what clothing she selected, how she wore her hair. _Everything_."

KS-2153 looks at the floor, her shoulders stooped.

Eventually she looks back up and begins to tell him of his Rey.

* * *

Kylo is returning to his rooms and has the package from Loria tucked against his side, still utterly undecided as to what to do with it. Perhaps he will ask Vitok.

He contemplates what he'd learned from KS-2153. He'd taken in every detail with ferocious hunger and endless appetite. He'd tried to imagine how she had looked today, taking tea with the stormtrooper. But stormtroopers weren't trained with keen observational skills and all KS-2153 could tell him was that Rey had been wearing a tunic and leggings, with her hair pulled back.

Eventually he'd broken down and invaded her mind anyway, his need to know what he could of Rey overriding his desire to behave as Rey would prefer. He'd changed KS-2153's memory so that she would never know she had reported to him. And, of course, she would now feel compelled to ask _many_ questions about the Supreme Leader.

As he'd ransacked the trooper's mind, scouring for every scrap of _her_ , he'd been deeply concerned by Rey's listless tone and flat expression as the oblivious _Kes_ had asked increasingly inane questions about the traitor. Rey had answered her questions about _Finn,_ but had never said a word about _him_. She'd often looked away and he was sure her eyes were rimmed with red.

He'd nearly lost the thread of memory in KS-2153's mind when he'd seen the ribbon peeking out from under her simple lavender tunic. She is still wearing his gift. Her hair had been pulled tightly into her three buns and she didn't smile, not even once.

His alarm had grown as he had watched her ignore the little cakes and biscuits, barely touching her meal. She'd frequently placed her hand at her chest, right where the bundle of stones rested. He doesn't like that she's not eating, but perhaps she simply hadn't been hungry.

He slows his strides as he approaches their shared corridor. He doesn't really think as he finds himself pulled to her door. He places his offering from Loria in front of her entryway and this time he _does_ lay his hand on the durasteel. He wishes he wasn't wearing his helmet, he'd like to press his cheek against the surface. She's inside and this is as close as he can be to her.

He stands there for a long time, trying to imagine what she's doing. It's late—is she sleeping? Does she dream of him the way that he dreams of her? Perhaps she is wearing that sensuous silk nightgown that had clung so enticingly. Or maybe she's awake. Would she be thinking of him? Working her way to forgiveness? Please, Rey … please.

Then he feels a warmth growing against his palm. _The Bond_. She's standing _right on the other side_ with her hand mirroring his. He starts to breathe quickly—he's caught! He's about to pull away, run, but then he feels just a tendril of her. It's soothing, welcoming, _yearning_.

He places his other hand against the metal. He feels an answering pulse and he _knows_ they would be pressed together were it not for the panel separating them. He wants to say something, but he doesn't want to frighten her away, so he simply stands there as the energy flows between them.

Then a spike of panic runs through him and the connection is cold and empty. She's gone.

For a long time he doesn't move, hoping she will return, give him just a little more. Finally he accepts that she's not coming back. He pulls his hands from her door and clenches his fists. His palms buzz with the aftereffects of the Bond. He looks at the package at his feet and decides to leave it. He wants proof that he was _here_ , of what had transpired, that for just a moment she had given into the _need_.

As he makes his way to his quarters, he again lists all the reasons he has to believe this will be over soon. There will be no sleep tonight.

 _Rey_...

* * *

A/N: Ah, my beautiful and brilliant beta, Meaghan M/Juulna, thank you so much for all of the time you give my stories. I will never be able to thank you enough, my friend.

Thank you to my simply spectacular readers. Thank you for every hit, follow, favorite, and review. I adore hearing what you think and it keeps me writing.


	25. Chapter 25

*****Please note: in all likelihood there will be no update next Monday as I'm going on vacation. I'm sorry!*****

* * *

Kylo knows he should go to bed, but instead he keeps obsessively checking to see if she's responded to his message. He'd hoped that after their brief contact she would be moved to reach out to him. But it's well past midnight and she's not written anything. He's staring out his viewscreen, remembering that this is the very spot where he'd first kissed her …

So much has happened since then that he can't quite believe that it has only been two days since his lips first touched hers. He'd not known that it was possible to feel such aching desire and deep love at the same time. He flexes his hands, remembering how the Bond had licked against his palms. He swallows and checks again for a message.

* * *

He startles awake and realizes he must have slept for some portion of the night. When he'd gone to bed, she still hadn't responded to his message. He lunges from the bed to check. There. She's replied.

 _I'm not ready to see her. Thank you for the candy._

He reads it over and over again. It's painfully short, but he hadn't expected anything else, really. He's surprised that she doesn't want to find her mother immediately, but then he remembers how deeply Rey had been hurt by the knowledge that she'd been thrown away.

He reads her message again. She wasn't angry that he'd left a package at her door. Perhaps he could have the kitchens send her another special dessert tonight? Or he could go down to Vren before they leave, find something for her … no, he shouldn't press. But oh how he wants to. Selecting things for her had been one of his favorite ways to stave off his loneliness.

There is a meeting with the war council first thing this morning, so Kylo begins to ready himself for another day of missing Rey.

* * *

"We should move immediately, decisively!" General Jehan's hologram says emphatically. Kylo wonders if he should have invited his knights to participate. Palek might be able to help keep the blood-thirsty general calm. He remembers the immense knight saying that Jehan is a bit _zealous_.

"Yes, I agree. We cannot allow such an action to go unaddressed. We are at a tipping point with the galaxy. After _Starkiller_ , it was only our superior fleet that allowed us to subdue our territory. We're in the midst of a number of tense negotiations and it would be impractical to pursue a military solution for each situation. We _cannot_ be seen as weak." This comes from General Prost. He tends to say what Hux is thinking. Kylo hopes that is not the case today, as he would prefer not to contradict Hux in front of the war council, but it is quite likely that he will need to.

"Speaking of these negotiations, it would be extremely helpful if we were to walk back our recent … adjustments to policy," General Zallten's hologram chimes in.

Kylo's gaze snaps to Zallten's image. "Meaning?"

"To put it bluntly, Supreme Leader, it is not always feasible to eradicate slavery at the outset."

"That is non-negotiable," Kylo states firmly.

"But if we took a more gradual approach, it would allow us to make more headway with certain systems," Zallten argues.

" _It is non-negotiable_ ," Kylo says icily.

Zallten purses his lips but relents. "As you say, sir."

The generals continue to debate and squabble and Kylo tunes them out. He knows he won't order that they retaliate but he lets them have their say. Eventually he hears Hux begin to speak.

"Generals, after hearing all that you have to say, it is my suggestion that we pull back and discover how the Resistance gained such specific intelligence. The attack was nearly surgical in its precision and required extensive knowledge of ship systems and fleet movements. Additionally, given the depth of the leak, it is extremely odd that they did not attack the _Finalizer_. They must know this is the Supreme Leader's ship. We need to find the spy or spies before we take _any_ action."

Kylo is surprised that Hux has suggested the same course of action he had been planning to order. He'd been certain that Hux would agree with the other generals, but he has surprised him. It _is_ very strange that the Resistance didn't attack the _Finalizer_. Time has distanced him from the event, and now he sees the bigger picture; he sees that they could have easily mounted a rescue, but they _didn't_. Why? It isn't like Leia Organa to leave someone behind, especially when he knows that Rey is dear to her.

"General Hux is correct. For now we do nothing," Kylo declares.

"No! We must not be so cowardly!" General Jehan fumes. Her nostrils flare and there's _murder_ in her eyes.

Kylo is about to _show_ the fanatical general why she _will_ accept this when Hux again speaks. "General Jehan, your commitment to the First Order is commendable, but surely you must see what would happen if we moved now? The Resistance would, in all likelihood, be alerted, and we would be walking into a trap. We must clean our own house first, as it were."

Jehan crosses her arms and _glares_ at Hux.

"We will proceed as General Hux has suggested. Begin ship-wide investigations. Find me the traitor. We will continue to monitor Resistance movements and act if it becomes necessary. You are all dismissed," Kylo orders.

There is an uneasy silence but, one by one, the projections disappear and he's left in his hall with only Hux.

"Thank you, General," Kylo offers.

The other man seems caught off guard and narrows his eyes. "For what, sir?"

"You handled the other generals well and your analysis of the situation matched my own."

"Well, yes … as you say, sir." Hux is obviously unbalanced, and Kylo thinks perhaps he's found a new way to needle the annoying man.

"It's time to rejoin the fleet," Kylo changes the subject.

Hux tilts his head. "I thought we would be pursuing the latest lead on the _girl's_ parents," he says with asperity.

"Not at this time." Kylo would prefer to finish the task he set for himself and locate Rey's family, but she has said she's not ready so he will respect that.

"We will be underway immediately, sir." Hux is obviously pleased with this development. At least someone is happy today.

* * *

He's back in his office, wondering what she's thinking about. Speaking with Vitok had helped considerably. He just needs to show Rey that he won't control her and then she'll let him back in. It will only be another day or so; he's sure of it after their brief contact last night. He'd _felt_ that she misses him. It won't be a month. It won't even be a week. Yes, soon he will again hold her to him and feel her sweet lips.

His comm chirps. "Sir, she's leaving her rooms with KS-2153," a voice he doesn't know informs him.

"Route the feed to my datapad."

"Immediately, sir."

He snatches up the device greedily. He's going to see her! The image comes up and he sees as she and KS-2153 make their way down the corridor. He watches, taking in everything. Her hair is braided down her back and she's wearing a pale pink dress with a delicate overlay of lace. It's the loveliest thing he's ever seen her select and he frowns. Where is she going dressed like that?

Then he notices the ribbon around her neck and he relaxes. She's chosen to continue to wear his gift. He will need to have the necklace repaired once she will see him. He smiles as she unconsciously rubs her fingers along her chest, where the gems must rest beneath her gown. The odd pair moves down the hallway and a few stormtroopers stare at Rey. His eyes narrow beneath his mask. He will need to issue a standing order that Rey is _not_ to be _stared_ at.

Panic tears through him as he realizes they're nearing medical. Is Rey hurt? Is she ill? She appears to be fine, but why would they be going there?

They enter the med bay and Rey talks with the doctor on duty. Kylo wishes he could _hear_ what she's saying. He watches in confusion as they're led to … Wylan Ren. She's visiting _Wylan_. How does she even know he's there? He jumps to his feet as fury takes him over. No, Rey will _not_ spend time with that man. He won't allow it. He doesn't care that he's shut out; this cannot continue, regardless of her need for _time_.

He's striding to his office door when he realizes she would _know_ he's watching if he arrived in medical. She would make him stop and he knows he cannot cope if he doesn't know where she is at all times. The indecision is agonizing. He won't let her spend time with Wylan, he _won't_. But he can't reveal that he has her under surveillance.

This is the only way that he may _see_ her and the prospect of losing this access forces him to return to his desk. He clutches the datapad and continues to watch, his teeth clenched. Now Rey is sitting by Wylan's unconscious form and her face is twisted in concern. He snorts in derision. Wylan does not deserve her _concern_. If she only knew what sort of person he was. Power hungry, never caring what anyone else thinks, doing what he pleases. Oh how he hates Wylan Ren. He should have begged Snoke to leave him behind at the Academy.

Rey is saying something to the still man, and Kylo has to remind himself that he will find out everything she is saying when KS-2153 reports to him this evening. He tries to focus on how beautiful Rey looks today when a cold thought whips through him. Had Rey dressed so nicely for _Wylan_? Small objects around the room begin to vibrate.

Then time slows as he watches Rey reach out and take Wylan's hand. _She's touching him_. At first he can't quite comprehend what he's seeing. Those perfect fingers that feel so _good_ against his face, in his hair, they're curling around _Wylan's_. _She's touching him._ This can't be happening. He should have killed him, to hell with how it would have looked to the other knights. Wylan Ren deserves to die. He wants to take up his saber and destroy, but he doesn't dare miss a moment of Rey so he makes himself watch.

She's saying something to Wylan once again. She strokes her thumb across the back of his hand and Kylo feels as if those soft, gentle hands have reached into his chest and torn his heart in two. _She's touching him._ Her hands, her sacred hands, are touching another. Those fingers that glide across his cheek and steal his breath are wrapped in Wylan Ren's hand. _She's touching him._ He can't do this. He can't handle this. She's shut him out and she's with another man. Oh Maker, please make it stop.

He can't control himself any longer. The desperate jealousy bubbles from him and he howls in rage. _She's touching him._ He flings the datapad across the room and it shatters. He hears someone trying to get in. He doesn't care. He screams as he flips his desk then Force pushes it into the wall. His power wells from him in pulsing waves and, in a few seconds, every piece of furniture in his office has been turned to scrap.

 _She's touching him._ His saber is ignited and he plunges it into the wall, wishing it was Wylan's chest. He pulls back and strikes again. Over and over, he hacks and stabs, imagining Wylan's body torn into a million pieces. His blood, painting the walls.

But it still isn't enough to calm him. _She's touching him._ He hurls his saber and it is impaled into the bulkhead, hissing and spitting. He pulls his helmet from his face and throws it across the room as well. He roars, his powerless anguish pouring from him, causing the detritus to whirl dangerously around the room. _She's touching him._ He's panting and shaking and it's all he can do to keep himself from battering against the Bond. She must not know he's seen.

Hux breaks through the door and stumbles into the destroyed room. "Supreme Leader!"

Kylo doesn't respond, only reaches out with the Force and calls his saber to him. _She's touching him._ Again he swings his saber, this time into the decking.

"Stop that! Stop that right now, you infuriating infant!" Hux yells.

Stab, slash, hack. In the metal flooring, molten orange trenches widen with each frenzied attack.

"You'll break through to the deck below! Dammit, man, get control of yourself!"

 _She's touching him._

"Kylo Ren, I will not have you destroy my ship over a woman!" Hux bellows.

Kylo doesn't care. She's shut him out and chosen someone new. He was foolish to think she'd ever want him. The metal is beginning to pool and he stabs his saber deep into the deck. His weapon is stuck and he screams as he Force pushes against the durasteel of the opposite wall. He staggers as he feels the _Finalizer_ lurch beneath his boots.

"That's it, I've had it," Hux growls, and everything goes black.

* * *

Kylo splutters awake, confused by the feeling of water on his face. He blinks and gasps and the room swims into view. He's flat on his back; Hux is looming over him holding a water jug and looking very irritated indeed. Then he sees Vitok's mask―she's bent over him as well.

"Are you quite through?" Hux enquires with pinched disapproval.

Kylo struggles and eventually he sits up. He feels a bit groggy and he can't quite remember what had happened. Then he sees _Rey_. He scrambles to his feet and moves to her swiftly. It's such a relief to see her. He wants to sweep her into his arms and never let her go.

"Rey!" He reaches for her.

She shrinks back but says nothing and her expression is guarded. His mind is clearing and he realizes it's very strange that she's here. She had been with _Wylan_. He feels a rekindling of the rage but he reminds himself that Rey is _here_ , not with _him_. He must control himself; he mustn't frighten her away.

"Rey … I'm so glad to see you, but why are you here?"

She wraps her arms around herself and finally says, "When the ship moved like that, I reached out but you weren't _there_. I was worried … more than worried. So I made Kes bring me here … I didn't know where else to go. You wouldn't respond; the Bond was just … empty." Her eyes are haunted. He wonders why he had been unconscious and realizes she's just revealed the Bond to Hux. Marvelous.

Kylo reluctantly turns to Hux and finds the general's expression speculative.

"What happened?"

"I stunned you, of course," Hux says matter-of-factly.

Kylo exclaims, "You _stunned_ me?"

"You were about to find yourself on the deck below and you were rocking the _entire ship_. It was stun you or let you continue to tear the _Finalizer_ to bits. Given the fact that your little tantrum was felt on _all_ decks, it seemed prudent to act. Sir."

He should be furious, but instead he's … embarrassed. He looks around his office and sees the extent of his destruction. It appears that nothing survived his rage. And now Rey has seen it.

Kylo shifts his attention back to Rey. She seems … afraid. He wants to talk with her but Vitok and Hux are right here. He looks into her eyes and they're wide with conflict and confusion. She fiddles with her dress and looks around quickly, seeming like a frightened animal.

Vitok steps forward. "Perhaps I should take Rey back to her quarters."

"No!" Kylo nearly shouts, but then he remembers himself. "No … I will see her to her quarters. If that is acceptable to you, Rey."

She worries her bottom lip before answering, "Uhm. Alright."

Hux sighs with exasperation. "I will, _of course_ , have this," he gestures to the ruined office, "Taken care of during your _absence_."

Kylo doesn't respond, focused on Rey. Will she take his arm? Will she grant him such a gift? He walks to where his helmet had landed and is about to pick it up when he feels eyes on him. He looks to Rey and finds her watching him. If he didn't put it on, perhaps that would please her? He leaves it as it is and returns to Rey's side.

He indicates that she should precede him. She pauses but then she walks past him. She's chosen not to touch him. He pushes down his disappointment and comforts himself with simply being able to be near her. They walk through the door and he ignores how the entire bridge stares at seeing him again unmasked.

* * *

They're walking through the corridors and he's trying to stay focused. Rey is right next to him and his hands itch to reach for her. He remembers what it felt like to have her fingers wrapped around his arm and he tries to tell himself that she'll relent soon.

He's startled when she timidly asks, "Was it because of me?"

"Was what because of you?" He has no idea what she's talking about.

"What happened … in your office. Was it because of me?" she repeats.

It was far too much to hope that she wouldn't ask why he had so completely lost control. He should have understood immediately that he would need to explain. This is not going to go well for him. He's alarmed by how fearful she seems. Had she seen any of it? When did she arrive? Is she afraid of him? The corridor is empty so he stops them walking and turns to her.

He looks into her exquisite eyes and tries not to lose himself in their depths. He wants to tell her how much he has missed her, how he loves her, but he knows he's on borrowed time. She'd asked if his behavior was because of her. He supposes some could say that it was.

Finally he answers her. "In a way. But perhaps … would you permit me to come in and talk with you when we reach your rooms? I would prefer not to have this conversation in the hallway." It is likely to end with her screaming at him.

She tenses and looks around frantically. He almost wishes he hadn't asked; she seems truly terrified at the prospect of being alone with him. He pushes aside the ragged tear through his devotion.

Her eyes glimmer with green and gold as she stammers out, "I … don't know. I wasn't ready to see you yet. I just got so scared when you wouldn't respond through the Bond." She steals her perfect eyes from him as she looks down "I don't … I don't think I should."

They're standing very close and the pull is wrapping around him; his hands, his heart, his instincts are begging him to act. Her eyes are liquid with confused yearning. Hesitantly, he reaches up and cups her cheek with his gloved hand. He's so grateful when she doesn't pull away.

He strokes his fingers along her skin and she turns her head. She's almost nuzzling his hand and he's breathing shallowly. He fiercely wishes he wasn't wearing his gloves; he _needs_ to feel her skin. He's not sure when he'll next be able to touch her, and he wants to experience this moment to the fullest. But even through the leather, feeling her under his fingers is healing all of his tattered places and the howling terror is quieting. He brings his other hand to her face. "I promise, I'll leave when you ask me to. I'll give you all the time that you need."

She looks at him with surprise. "You will? Truly?"

"Yes, I won't push you to see me again until you're ready."

She breathes in quickly and her fingers fly to his wrists. "You'll go when I say?"

"I promise." He strokes both cheeks, trying not to fall into her eyes.

She pulls his hands from her face, tangling her fingers with his. "Even if you're not ready?"

"Even then," he says gently as he squeezes her hands. No matter how difficult it will be for him.

She catches his eyes. "Okay."

Rey keeps his hand in hers as they continue walking.

* * *

He's back in her rooms, sitting next to her. He'd removed his gloves immediately upon entering. It's so wonderful to be in her presence again, but if he's forced to tell her he was watching her it really might be a year before he would again feel his luminous Rey. He's exceptionally apprehensive.

Rey looks at him and she seems almost guilty. "Was it my fault?"

He's confused by her question and her demeanor. "Why would you think that?"

"General Hux told me you were so upset that you made the ship rock. Was it me? Did I make you feel like that? Was it … because I asked for time?" she asks in a small voice.

Now he sees. She's afraid that his behavior is her fault. She's not afraid of him―no, in a way she thinks she's hurt him again. And, in a way, she did. But he knows she didn't intend to. "No … no, it wasn't that you asked for time. You had every right to ask for that."

"I did?" she asks, her eyes wide with shock.

"Yes … I … I shouldn't have kept your things like that … the images. I know it was wrong of me and I understand now why you need time. I don't like it, but I _do_ understand. And I will honor your wishes. I will try to _always_ honor your wishes from now on, Rey."

"Oh." She blinks quickly and looks at her hands. She's quiet before raising her eyes to his. "Then … then what was it?"

He sighs. "You aren't going to like this. I don't think clearly when it comes to you."

"So it was my fault." Her shoulders fall.

"Not precisely." Now that his temper has run its course he sees that she likely didn't mean anything by holding Wylan's hand. He hates that she'd done it, but there wasn't anything genuinely wrong with her conduct.

"I don't understand. If it wasn't that I sent you away, why did you get so terribly upset?"

He looks away. He wishes he didn't have to tell her this. He wishes he'd never asked to know her movements. He should have simply ordered that she not be allowed to leave the ship. He remembers Vitok saying he'd violated Rey's privacy and he doesn't like the tight feeling in his chest. Finally he admits, "I was ... I was watching you. When you visited Wylan Ren."

"What?" she gasps out.

"I know, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have done it. I just miss you so much―I had to see you!"

"You were _spying_ on me?" She pulls away, putting more space between them. His hands lift involuntarily, wanting to bring her back, but he consciously puts them back in his lap.

"I … yes. I was afraid. Afraid you would run from me."

"I _told_ you I wouldn't leave!" she blazes.

"I know, I know … I just … I'm so scared I'm going to lose you." It took him so long to find her.

"I'm not yours to lose!" she spits furiously.

"Yes, you are!" She's even acknowledged that there's something between them. He knows she's his. He _knows_ it.

"No, don't you _dare_ start with that again. I don't belong to anyone!" She crosses her arms across her chest and her eyes flash with fire.

"I don't mean that I _own_ you! I mean … dammit." He scrubs his face with his hands. "Don't you understand? _I'm_ yours. I'm utterly yours, heart, body, mind, soul. Every bit of me is yours. From the moment I first _saw_ you, I was yours. I didn't know what was _happening_ to me. I was acting in ways I never would have. Honestly, Rey ... it's almost like madness, the need I feel for you. My reason left me on Takodana. Everything I've done since is because I love you beyond comprehension."

Her eyes have grown very wide and he silently pleads for her to see who she is to him, to understand his words. They're each other's. They have to be. She leans towards him slightly and he shifts. Now they're sitting close again. She's blinking slowly and her hand rises slowly. He thinks she's about to touch him, but then her expression grows hard.

"Hunting, kidnapping, spying … that doesn't sound like love to me," she says.

He clenches his eyes shut briefly. How can he make her understand that he's only done what he has because he cannot, _will_ not, live without her?

He stands in frustration and begins to pace. She watches him move back and forth. Finally, he stops and says, "I chased you, kept your things, watched you because I can't _survive_ without you. Every single day since _Starkiller,_ you are all that I think about. Your things, the images … selecting gifts for you, it was the only way I could keep from falling apart. When you shut me out I _had_ to be able to see you, know where you are. I was desperate; I didn't know what else to _do_!"

While he's been talking her expression has moved from anger to cold contemplation. It makes him very wary.

"You always say that."

"Say what?"

"That you didn't know what else to do. It's like you think that excuses it. That because you couldn't come up with a better solution than hunting, kidnapping, or spying, that justifies your actions."

He blinks quickly. He's not sure what to say to that. He doesn't really comprehend what she's saying.

When he doesn't say anything, she continues, "From what you've just told me, the fact that you want something makes it alright for you to do whatever you need to do in order to get it. Did you ever consider _not_ taking me the way that you did?"

"But then you wouldn't be with me!"

Her face fills with sadness. "We'll never know, will we?" she states wistfully. "You never really gave me the chance to do anything other than run from you."

"I … I didn't mean … I …" He _hates_ that she'd always run from him. Is she saying that she might have come to him if he'd not chased her? He shakes his head, trying to clear the confusion.

She rises and comes to stand in front of him. "I should be angrier than I am about the spying. But I'm honestly not surprised. I'd like you to stop, but I won't ask you to. You'll just find some other way to get what you want. You always do." She looks _diminished_ and he's filled with shame. He'd never meant to make her feel like this.

"No … I'll stop. I won't … I won't watch any longer. I only did it the one time." He thinks of KS-2153 … Kes, and for a moment he can't meet Rey's eyes.

"Well, I hope that's true." Her tone is resigned.

"It is! I promise."

"Hmm." She takes in a deep breath. "You still haven't explained why you got so angry."

His jaw clenches as he remembers her hand on Wylan's. "You were touching him," he nearly growls.

"What? No I … oh, I did hold his hand for a moment, but … wait, you destroyed your office and Force pushed an entire Star Destroyer because I held an injured man's _hand_?" she asks with incredulity.

"It was Wylan," he spits. The shame is leaving him, replaced by a very familiar resentment.

"So? He was nice to me on Vren. Kes told me he was in the med bay and I needed to get out of my quarters." She gestures to her sitting room. -

"You were _touching_ him! You wore that beautiful dress for him!" he accuses.

She grabs at her skirt. "I'm wearing this dress because _Kes_ picked it out for me."

"Oh. I thought …"

"You thought that after a brief conversation with a man I'd only met _once_ , I, what, got tarted up just in case the man with a crushed neck fancied a go?" Her hands are on her hips and her lip is curled in contempt.

"I didn't know what to think! I _don't_ thinkwhen it concerns you." He runs his hands through his hair.

"No, you _really_ don't. For the record, _Kylo_ , I am Bound to _you_. I have _no_ idea what is going to happen with us, but I certainly have no intention of throwing myself at random men, and I cannot _believe_ you thought I would." She's breathing hard and she's glaring at him.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I … I see that it was innocent, I just … I can't bear the thought of another man touching you." He wants so badly to pull her to him, to wipe away all the hurt and confusion with the bliss of connection.

"He's _unconscious_ ; he _didn't_ touch me. And if you try to tell me I literally can't _touch_ someone just because they happen to be male, then you can add that to the list of reasons I need time away from _you_." She points a finger at his chest and he takes a step back.

"No … I don't mean that … it's just that it's _Wylan_." He _would_ prefer she never touch another man regardless of the circumstance, but he knows that's unreasonable.

Rey cocks her head to the side. "What is it with you two, anyway?"

How can he possibly explain years of acrimony? He purses his lips. "We've hated each other since we were boys. You may think he was nice to you, but I promise he is not someone you wish to know. He's selfish. He only cares about what _he_ wants, he never thinks about anyone but himself. He undermines me at every opportunity."

Rey looks at him keenly. "How _did_ Wylan get hurt?"

Kylo freezes. She won't like this, either. "He disobeyed a direct order," he says tightly.

Her jaw drops. "So _you_ landed him in the med bay?"

"He … he provoked me. He _knew_ what he'd done on Vren; he knew he'd made you run from me!" he exclaims defensively.

She rolls her eyes. "No, _you_ made me run from you; he's just the one who told me what you were up to."

"It wasn't his place!"

"So you're going to torture your knights into compliance, just like Snoke?"

"No! I don't agree with his methods. I just … I lost control." His hands flail helplessly.

She looks into his eyes for a long time. He watches as her temper calms. Eventually her brow furrows in concern and she steps closer to him. "Kylo … it's not even been two days and you tried to _kill_ a man and completely destroyed your office. You were so unhinged that you put the whole ship in danger. I'm … I'm worried about you."

"I don't know how to do this," he whispers. He hangs his head. He hates how he loses his temper; he's never been able to handle strong feelings. And no one has _ever_ made him feel things more intensely than Rey. He knows he has to find a way to keep his head, show Rey that he is capable of respecting her wishes. But he's terrified that maybe he isn't. That he truly _isn't_ capable. Maybe he _can't_ keep himself away from her.

Finally she takes pity on him and she reaches up to stroke his cheek. His eyes flutter shut and he presses his face against her hand. Oh how he needs this, needs her. "It's not forever. But the things you've done … everything I have to give up to be with you ... For a moment I thought you might _finally_ be listening to me, but then I find out you were spying on me. I need to think, but more than that I need to know that you will respect my wishes, that you won't keep trying to control me. I need to know that you can give me space. And if I have to worry about you literally destroying the ship … that's not space."

He looks into her unfathomable eyes and she continues to trail her fingers along his face, now tracing his jaw. "I want to give you space. I do. I just … you said it might be a _year_." He lets the anguish he's been feeling seep into his tone.

She drops her hand from his face and his panic is only checked when she laces her fingers through his. "No, it won't be a year. It's all just moved so fast. I need to figure out what I'm feeling and I can't do that when I'm with you. Even now, when I'm quite angry with you, I just want to kiss you. How am I supposed to untangle myself with you around?"

He draws his thumb across her palm. "You could just spend all of your time with me and not worry about it?" he offers hopefully.

"That is _not_ a solution. I'm serious. I need this. But I need to know you're going to be alright."

"I honestly don't know if I am … Having you near and not being able to see you, talk to you. I was sincere when I said I don't know how to do this."

"I need you to find a way."

"I know you do." He takes in a shuddering breath. "And I will. I have always said I would do anything for you, and if it is my absence you require of me, then you shall have it."

"You won't kill anyone or destroy the ship?"

"No … I will control myself." He's not entirely certain as to how, but he will find a way to endure this time away from her.

"Thank you," she says, and gives him a genuine smile. He finds himself smiling back.

She looks away, and then she's threading her arms around his waist. He's impossibly grateful that she's going to let him hold her. He returns her embrace and presses her close to him. He needs all that she will give him. She lays her head on his chest and he tries to store it all away. "You promise it won't be a year?"

"I promise. We'll see each other soon," she says into his surcoat.

They keep holding each other, and he wants for this moment to never end. But then she's pulling back and the panic is starting again. She doesn't step away from him, though. Instead she looks up and holds his eyes. "I don't really know what to think about how you say that you feel about me, but … I _do_ care for you. Do you know that?"

He's shocked by how his throat grows tight at her admission. He knows she doesn't love him. There's a part of him that thinks she never could. He's not blind to who he has become. He was willing to simply spend his life making her as happy as he could. He can love enough for both of them. But hearing that she cares for him … it makes the coming days … or weeks, seem less bleak.

He swallows past the lump in his throat. "No … I didn't know that."

"I have for a long time," she says softly.

He takes her face in his large hand. "And I have loved you my whole life, I simply didn't know it yet."

Her eyes widen and that lovely blush stains her cheeks.

"I hope you will believe me soon," he murmurs.

Gently, he turns her face towards his. He holds her eyes then slowly lowers his lips to hers, so that she can stop him if she wishes. She doesn't, and soon he's kissing her. He feels as her arms tighten around him and he pulls her as close as he can. He draws his tongue along her lower lip and presses into her. She makes a little sound of contentment and he swirls his tongue against hers. He loves how hot her mouth is. Kissing her is infinitely more pleasurable than anything he's ever experienced.

Her hands knead into his back and now he's moaning into her mouth. He's grown quite hard and it's very difficult not to grind against her. He tears his lips from hers and kisses her neck, sucking at her delicious skin as she clings to him. Oh Maker, knowing this is what is waiting for him on the other side of this exile might just be enough to get him through.

It's spiraling quickly now and he's walking them back to her settee while he continues to feast on her mouth. She stops him, panting. "No, we have to stop."

"Why?" he nearly whines.

"I'm still mad at you." She backs away a bit but keeps her hand on his arm. "It's time for you to go."

"Just a little longer, please? We don't have to … we can just sit and talk."

"No … it's time."

He remembers that he promised he would leave when she said. He looks into her eyes and oh how he wants to kiss her again. But she takes him by the hand and pulls him to the door. He retrieves his gloves and tells himself that this is much better. She's said it won't be too long, she seems to understand a bit about why he'd kept her things. He's not leaving in the midst of a storm of confusion and pain. He can do this. He _will_ do this. For her.

Kylo forces himself to walk through her door. He turns to look at her and he only just keeps from flinching from the memory of the door closing on her face. This time, though, instead of her eyes being full of anguish, she gives him a small smile.

"I'll see you soon," she says.

"I … I will miss you very much."

"I'll miss you, too," she says as she closes the door.

The last thing he sees are her eyes soft with affection. Yes, he can do this.

* * *

A/N: Thank you to my simply superb beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. Her comments on this week's chapter had me in stitches and she really helped me tighten this one up.

Thank you to my fantastic readers! I hope you all know how much I value you. That you give your time to my story never ceases to amaze and humble me. Thank you.


	26. Chapter 26

Kylo strides through the corridors, making his way back to the bridge. He's grateful for the long walk, as the _last_ thing he wants is for Hux to see him in the state Rey has left him. He'd almost gone to his quarters, allowed himself to imagine her silken skin and soft lips while giving in, but he wants to save his pleasure for her.

It feels almost disloyal to engage in such things now that she's near. He may not be able to give all of himself to her, having indulged the basest of his urges years ago, but he will do what he can to not dishonor her further. Now that he knows what true intimacy feels like, he regrets having shared even the palest, most shallow imitation with others.

His boots click along the deck, his body calming. He wishes he'd remembered to ask her about her mother. He's concerned that she didn't want to find her. She'd dreamt of her family her entire life and he knows the truth of her origins has cut her deeply. She's not chosen to speak of her mother, but he's certain it weighs heavily on her. He would like for her to confide in him.

He decides he'll send Jashad and Palek to Dashrah to confirm that Lann Tren is there, and to find out if she regrets what she did to her daughter. He wants her to have the option to see her mother when Rey decides it's time. Perhaps his knights might be able to garner a lead on her father. Maybe _he_ won't be such a _resounding_ disappointment.

Six stormtroopers halt abruptly when they see him. Right. He's not wearing his helmet. He'd forgotten in the midst of everything.

* * *

"Supreme Leader," Hux greets him as he enters the bridge. The officers manage not to stare this time.

"Hux."

"Your office will not be … ready for you until tomorrow afternoon." Hux's lip curls slightly in subdued disdain.

"I will be in my hall, then. However, first there is a matter I wish to discuss with you."

"Yes, sir," the general says cautiously.

They walk into Hux's office and he turns to Kylo. He's clearly anticipating some form of retribution.

"The surveillance on Rey … I no longer want to be informed of her movements." He'd said he wouldn't watch her. Perhaps … perhaps he shouldn't even have her tracked at all. "In fact, amend the order. She is only to be monitored if she goes to the hangar."

"Sir, she is still a member of the Resistance."

"I told her I would not … _spy_ ," he says uncomfortably.

"Then you will not. It is a matter of ship security and as such, is at _my_ discretion. I shall have _your_ order rescinded," Hux says pointedly.

Oh he likes this solution very much. He's not watching her or having her watched, but she _will_ be monitored. He decides to forgive Hux for stunning him.

He leaves Hux's office and goes to retrieve his mask.

* * *

He's perusing a summary on the status of Nephlak, a strange world with two distinct societies, one that is heavily entrenched in the slave trade and another that is petitioning for entry into the First Order. It's a puzzling situation.

He's been able to truly focus for the first time in days. Rey's smile floats through his mind from time to time, but it makes him feel hopeful and warm, not panicked and alone. She just needs time. She said that she cares for him. Everything is going to be perfect.

His head snaps up when a stormtrooper enters his hall.

"Reporting as ordered, sir," KS-2153 announces nervously.

He'd forgotten that he'd left a standing order for KS-2153 to report to him every evening. It's exceptionally tempting to find out _exactly_ what Rey had said to Wylan, but he must stop prying into her private business. She was just being kind when she'd gone to visit his despised rival. Now that he's told her what sort of person he is, he's certain that will be the end of it.

He should send the stormtrooper away. Right now. But … she _is_ here. It wouldn't hurt to ask a _few_ questions. No. _No_. He must control himself. He'd said he wouldn't watch and though this is not _precisely_ the same, he knows Rey wouldn't see it that way.

"KS-2153, I do not require you at this time. You are dismissed."

The stormtrooper's relief is palpable and she turns to leave.

"Wait." He stops her.

He infuses his voice with the Force. "You will go back to your division and have no memory of reporting to me."

"I will go back to my division and have no memory of reporting to you," she says dazedly, then leaves the hall.

Kylo sits, looking out across the room. It wouldn't do for Rey to discover his actions regarding her _friend_. She'd never understand. He will revoke his order that KS-2153 report to him daily. Rey will never know what he's done.

* * *

He stands outside her door with his helmet and gloves in the crook of his arm. He places a palm on the surface and leans his forehead against the metal. He's sure she'll at least grant him this contact, a brief moment to say goodnight.

There. She's letting him feel her. But it's not the warm, gentle wave of her like it had been last night. It's cold and sharp.

"Kylo," blooms in his head. "You can't keep doing this."

"I thought … after last night …" he responds through their Bond.

"That … that was a mistake. See? See why I need you to leave me alone? I can't think clearly when you're near me."

"But … I didn't say anything; I didn't even push against the Bond."

"I can still feel you when you're close, you _know_ I can. You can't do this either. You have to leave me _alone_. I will tell you when I'm ready," she says firmly.

"Since we're already talking, may I see you one last time? Just for a moment?"

"No! You _know_ what will happen if I open this door."

Well, no, he doesn't, but he'd hoped … "Please?"

" _Go to bed Kylo_. Don't come back. I will _tell_ you when I'm ready," she repeats.

"Alright, Rey. I … I love you."

She doesn't say anything as she closes the Bond. He senses her moving from the door.

After speaking with her this afternoon he'd been left feeling strong, reassured. But her most recent rejection stings. He makes his way to his quarters, trying to ignore the emptiness forming in his chest.

* * *

The next morning he's still working out of his hall. He dislikes the room and all of its reminders of bowing and scraping to Snoke. But he supposes it's only fitting that he be uncomfortable after behaving as he did yesterday. Hux had been most displeased when he'd tallied up the expenses.

She'd not said, but he thinks it must have frightened Rey to see the aftermath of one of his explosions. He wishes he didn't do that, but he's never known how _not_ to. He's always had a temper. _Always_. But it had been dismissed with indulgent humor when he'd been a boy. "He's just like his mother," they would say. But he wasn't. Her fiery anger was always controlled, useful. Not his. No, his anger takes him over and he has no choice but to ride the fearsome waves as they take him down.

Once he'd been able to at least keep it from becoming so physical. He would scream, sometimes cry, occasionally throw something. Then he'd gone to Snoke, who had encouraged him to give his temper free rein. He'd said that after a lifetime of attempting to suppress his emotions he must let them flow through him, that only through his rage could he properly channel the dark side. So he had.

For a time he'd been almost _gleeful_ about his destruction. It had been so satisfying when Hux would complain to Snoke about his latest bout of mayhem, expecting chastisement for Lord Ren only to be told that Kylo's actions were not to be questioned. After years of emulating Luke Skywalker's bloodless existence, it had been heady to finally let go.

But now … knowing that Rey watched him through the Bond as he had disintegrated the first night she was here and then had seen the aftermath of his wrath with her own eyes … he can no longer deny that it frightens him. What if he were to hurt her one day? He doesn't think that he could, but he's not _sure_. He had before when he'd thrown her against that tree, so many months ago. He still has nightmares about her scream and the sickening thud as she'd hit the ground.

He's never come undone as badly as he did yesterday. He'd put the ship in danger. Dread seeps into his veins as he realizes he put _Rey_ in danger. What would have happened if Hux hadn't stopped him? He must find a way to keep from being pulled into that place of utter lunacy. What if next time is the time Rey gets caught in the storm with him? What if he can't protect her from himself? What if he does something unforgivable?

For a moment he misses the safety of service. There was serenity in following. But neither of his masters would have known how to help him with how Rey affects him. They had no understanding of desire, devotion, need … love.

Luke Skywalker had been wrong about passion, wrong about attachment. But Snoke had been as well, encouraging his meaningless, anonymous trysts, never perceiving the deeper yearning in his apprentice's heart. Kylo has been pining for Rey for _far_ longer than a year.

Grandfather would understand. He had his Padmé; he knows the power of love. Kylo had not wanted to make his grandfather remember his lost beloved by speaking of Rey, but perhaps it is time. He will try to contact Grandfather again tonight.

* * *

"Jashad, Palek," Kylo greets his knights. Thus far they have seemed invested in finding Rey's family. That they'd been as revolted with Sylten Qree's behavior as he had been makes him feel a certain kinship with them. He's never been close with either man, but he's fast growing to trust this pair.

"Supreme Leader," they say in return.

"The girl … Rey," he smiles beneath his mask, caressing her name. "She says that she is not yet prepared to see her mother. However, I would like to ensure that Lann Tren is indeed on Dashrah and perhaps find out who her father is. I am sending you both to learn what you can."

"It would be our pleasure to continue to do what we can for her. She's a lovely girl, special," Jashad says.

Kylo grows suspicious. Jashad had only spoken with her briefly the night they found Qree and Palek had simply observed. "Yes, she is, but how do you know that?"

"We had the opportunity to speak with her earlier."

"Where?" Kylo asks sharply, not liking the reminder that he has no idea where she is at this moment.

"In the med bay. She arrived while we were visiting Wyl-"

"She was visiting Wylan? _Today_?" he asks dangerously. He'd told her about Wylan. She _knows_ that he hates him.

Jashad tenses and looks to Palek who sighs heavily.

"Yes, sir," the smaller man states.

Kylo's body goes rigid with rage. His fingers dig deeply into his palms, the leather keeping him from breaking skin as he tries to restrain himself from cleaving the table in two with his saber. He breathes in and out, his chest heaving. He'd told her that he would control himself. But she had visited Wylan after _knowing_ how he feels about the hated knight … No, it doesn't matter. He _must_ learn to keep from flying apart. Rey has asked it of him.

"Is she still there?" he bites out.

"She was when we left. Wylan had just woken up. But that was _hours_ ago. I'm sure she's back in her quarters," Jashad offers in reassurance. It doesn't work. The knowledge that Wylan is conscious makes this _exponentially_ worse. Now the other man can _touch_ her.

He needs to know. He won't be able to function if he's imagining Wylan's hands on her. But he's _promised_ he won't spy. He doesn't know what to do! Her accusations from yesterday pull at his conscience. Alone. He must be alone. He needs to remove himself.

"You'll have your mission specifications shortly," he says through gritted teeth as he stalks from the chamber.

* * *

His boots eat through the distance to his training room. How could she? After he had been so understanding? He had every right to demand she never touch any man but him but he _hadn't_. He'd been _reasonable_.

Has she no proper feelings at all? Yesterday she had said that she cares for him and today she's again at his rival's bedside. And now he's _awake_. He could be running his filthy hands all over her. Kylo is not allowed to see her, nor have the briefest of contact. He's not even permitted to wish her goodnight. But Wylan, _he_ has her coveted _attention_. What if she visits him every day? What if they grow close? What if she prefers Wylan's company to his own? What if she lets him teach her?

He strides past a squad of stormtroopers and he wants one of them to cross into his path, look at him wrong, _anything_ to give him a reason to act. He wishes they _all_ would. But KS-2153 would tell her if something untoward were to happen to her comrades.

Finally he reaches his training room. He rips his helmet from his head and engages four training droids. He spins and deflects the bolts, his surcoat whipping around him. What he really wants to do is storm into medical and ensure she's not still with him. She could have spent the whole day with Wylan while he'd been blissfully unaware of her treachery.

Twist, lunge, parry. He's not even paying attention, muscle memory doing the work for him. He wishes he could crush the droids, pull the paneling from the walls. But she says that it's not _space_ if she must worry for him and he has no idea what would get back to her on a ship of thousands. He knows he has to calm down but he doesn't know _how_. He feels like he's going to unravel completely. Perhaps he could talk to Vitok? No … he's already told her too much.

Why would Rey _do_ this to him? Is she punishing him for taking her? Must he suffer a commensurate amount before he's allowed back in?

Wait. He's in his training room. Swiftly he shuts off his saber and goes to the wall of weaponry, waving his hand at the training droids to cease their program. There, a set of daggers. Desperately he lunges for the nearest blade and wrenches up his sleeve. He pauses. She'd asked him to stop, but he'd not _promised_. He's only said he would _think_ about it. Well, he has, and right now it's _necessary_. He takes a deep breath and steadies his hand. It wouldn't do to have a repeat of last time. The relief is immediate as the blade pulls along his skin.

* * *

Kylo watches the stars go by from the viewscreen in his quarters. He'd bought himself an hour or two of peace, but now all he can see is her hands touching Wylan. His imagination is taunting him with lurid images of them together. Her delicate hands running along Wylan's face, his repellent fingers _touching_ her. What if she'd shuddered and gasped the way she does when Kylo touches her? He can't get the pictures out of his head. Some small part of him knows he's being irrational, but it's drowned out by the toxic jealousy that eats everything in its path.

Had she sent him away last night _knowing_ she would again visit Wylan? He's going to lose his mind if he doesn't know what happened. He _could_ ask Hux for a report of her movements today; it's not _really_ spying. But that wouldn't tell him what had transpired in medical.

He could ... he could speak to KS-2153 ... No. That's worse than spying. He _knows_ it is. But she would never know, and it _would_ keep him from her rooms ... He's certain he will end up breaking down her door if he doesn't know what she's done. What if he's kind to the stormtrooper? He could explain a bit of why he wishes to know ...

Grandfather! _Grandfather_ will know what to do. He had intended to speak with him tonight, anyway. He has been silent for longer than he ever has been before, but surely he will respond to Kylo's entreaties _this_ time. He will sense his grandson's dire need. He hurries to his sanctuary.

He takes his customary position in front of Vader's helmet and brushes away the memory of Rey's desolate tone and unnatural stillness when he'd first found her here.

Calm. He must center himself to become open to Grandfather. He breathes in and out in deep, measured breaths. This will work. Grandfather always knows what to do. He concentrates on feeling the Force flowing through him.

"Grandfather?" he calls out into the Force.

He feels himself falling into this long-familiar trance. In out. In out.

"Grandfather, help me."

The once-intimidating mask stays silent.

"Please. I've found my Padmé and it's tearing me apart. I need your guidance."

Nothing. Months now it has been.

"Grandfather, _please_. I need your wisdom more than I ever have. Please." His voice cracks.

He goes to his knees and grasps his hands together, mimicking prayer.

"I need you."

He begs into the ether for an eternity, but there is nothing. Finally he drags himself to his feet and leaves his room of treasures.

* * *

Reason is gone. Madness has won. It's the middle of the night and he's outside KS-2153's barracks.

"Supreme Leader!" the stormtrooper on duty exclaims.

"KS-2153, bring her here immediately," he orders through his helmet.

"Yes sir, right away sir. It's her sleep shift; she'll be outfitted in five minutes."

"No, now."

"Sir?"

"Now!" Kylo barks.

The stormtrooper disappears to retrieve KS-2153. Soon, a slender woman with dusky skin, short black hair, and startling green eyes is presented to him. She's wearing standard issue sleeping attire, a short sleeved top and loose shorts. Her eyes are full of fear.

"Come with me," Kylo demands.

"Y-yes Supreme Leader."

He stalks to a nearby control room, knowing the soldier will follow. Once they're both inside, he closes the door.

KS-2153 is trembling and he shoves aside the knowledge that he's reprehensible.

"Today Rey visited Wylan Ren. Tell me all that transpired. Leave nothing out."

"Sir, please. She's my friend. I promised her she could trust me," she pleads.

He growls as he remembers that the quaking stormtrooper has no memory of the last time she'd resisted him. There's no patience left within him so he raises his hand and pushes into her mind. She tries to fight him as tears spring to her eyes. Unbidden, he sees Rey's stricken face on _Starkiller_ , her skin blotchy from crying. He concentrates on his task. This had been … easier when she had been wearing her helmet.

"Do not struggle; I have no wish to hurt you." He rips through her meager defenses and he has it.

Rey and KS-2153 enter the room and find Jashad and Palek already with the still-comatose Wylan. Today Rey is wearing a deep blue dress, plain, but she's still exquisite. It has a high neck, so he cannot see the telltale ribbon that reveals if she's still wearing his gift. Not knowing in the face of her choice to again visit Wylan makes his heart cold. Her hair is in its usual style. At least no one but him has been allowed to see her flowing hair.

The stormtrooper stands by the door and Rey and his knights look at each other for a moment.

"Uhm, hello," Rey offers shyly.

"Hello, Lady Rey," Jashad says as he steps away from Wylan's bedside and comes to stand in front of her. Palek nods his head respectfully, staying as he had been when the women had arrived.

She purses her lips. " _Please_ , don't call me that. Just Rey is fine."

"That would be inappropriate, my lady."

Rey grimaces and says, "Don't call me _that_ either. I don't know what Kylo has told you, but I'm _not_ a lady. I'm nobody." The way she dismisses her worth plucks at Kylo's heart.

"You are far from nobody. You _are_ the Supreme Leader's lady."

She twists the fabric of her skirt in her fingers. "I don't know about _that_ , but I doknow I'd _really_ rather you call me Rey. _Only_ Rey."

Jashad tilts his head. "If that is truly your preference?"

Rey nods firmly. "It is."

"Then that is what we shall call you, Rey," Palek offers as he comes to stand next to Jashad, dwarfing the smaller man.

She smiles. "Thank you. And thank you, both of you, for everything you've done to help find my family."

Kylo grows impatient. He flips forward in the memory. Wylan wakes, the doctors come and go, and then the knights speak. Finally he finds the point where she and KS-2153 are _alone_ with Wylan. Rey has taken the seat by his bed, Wylan is propped up against several pillows, and KS-2153 remains at the door.

"I don't know if you remember me, but I'm Rey. Just Rey, none of that 'Lady Rey' business," Rey says as she wrinkles her nose.

"Oh, I remember _you_. How could I forget such a beautiful face?" Wylan's voice is scratchy and his eyes gleam with a predatory light that makes Kylo's blood _boil_.

Rey blinks quickly.

"Uhm, well, anyway, I visited you yester-"

"I know; I could hear you. It was very sweet of you." Kylo despises the slow smile that creeps along Wylan's infuriatingly handsome face.

Rey looks away for a moment before shrugging. "You were honest with me when no one else was. It was the least I could do."

Wylan scoffs. "Yeah, Kylo's never been so good at that."

Her brow furrows. "What do you mean?"

"He tells the truth when it suits him. He's had everything handed to him and he does what he pleases. He's not like us," Wylan says conspiratorially as he leans closer to Rey. Kylo snarls at his presumption. In the control room, KS-2153 whimpers as Kylo's rage burns along her synapses. He needs to stay focused; he doesn't want the stormtrooper to suffer needlessly.

"Like us?" Rey asks in confusion.

"Orphans."

He sees as her eyes fill with pain. Wylan just had to remind her of her mother.

"I'm not an orphan," she says defensively.

"I can tell you grew up alone, though; just like me. Like calls to like. I spent my childhood on Hask, begging for food. Not like Kylo. He doesn't know what it is to struggle. But _I_ do. I know what it's like to never be full."

Rey looks away uncomfortably. Can't Wylan see how proud Rey is?

"You're from Jakku, right?" Wylan asks with a lopsided smile that makes Kylo nearly lose his hold on the memory.

Rey's head snaps up. "How do you know that?" she asks warily.

Wylan rolls his eyes. "The whole _ship_ knows that Kylo's been making a fool of himself over the girl from Jakku. Can't even keep you without holding you prisoner." Wylan snorts with scorn.

She frowns uneasily. Why did Wylan have to bring up his poor handling of Rey?

"I'm not ... I'm not his prisoner," she says as her eyes flit around the room.

Kylo's heart lifts to hear that she no longer believes he's holding her captive.

"Really?" Wylan raises his brows in disbelief. Yes, really, she is precious, dear. She was _never_ his prisoner. Well, not since _Starkiller_.

"It's none of your business." Rey's posture is stiff and Kylo is elated that Wylan is missing all the signs that he's upsetting her. No one knows his Rey like he does.

"If you say so," he says doubtfully.

Rey takes in a deep breath. "Anyway. I'm glad you're awake. I'm sorry you were hurt."

"You do know it was your _boyfriend_ who did this to me, don't you?"

"Yes, I know," she says steadily.

Kylo cringes at the use of such a juvenile term, but he notices that she accepted his claim to the title. It's wholly inadequate, but it's the first time she's admitted she's his _anything_.

"You shouldn't trust him. He only cares about himself," Wylan warns.

"I don't think that's true," she says carefully. Good, because it _isn't_ true. Kylo _cares_ far more about Rey than he's _ever_ cared about himself.

"Oh yeah? I've known him for almost 20 years. He's a spoiled little princeling who's never had to work for anything. He's always been like that. He has no idea what it is to suffer. Not like we do."

Rey's eyes flash. "You don't know anything about my life and I don't think you know anything about Kylo. I ... I should go." She's defending him?

"Stay a little while. Yesterday you held my hand." There's something suggestive in his tone that makes Kylo want to pull from KS-2153's mind and drag Wylan from his bed, finish what he'd started. Then Wylan has the audacity to _wink_ at his beloved. KS-2153 winces in pain and Kylo realizes his fury has caused him to hurt her again. He feels a flare of shame that he ignores as he keeps watching the memory.

Rey shakes her head and draws back from him. "I was just being nice."

"I could be _nice_ to you. Much nicer than _Kylo_." Wylan positively leers at Rey and Kylo knows that one way or another, Wylan _will_ answer for this.

He reaches for her hand and Kylo fiercely reminds himself that this is a memory. Whatever happens next has already happened. KS-2153 moans in agony as Kylo's possessive jealousy continues to stab into her mind, but it's impossible for Kylo to stop now.

Rey leaps from her seat and backs away quickly. "Don't touch me! You shouldn't talk to me like that."

"You don't have to be afraid of him."

"I'm _not_ afraid of him!"

"Really. I was there when he caught you. I remember how you ran."

"You don't know what you're talking about. We're leaving. Come on, Kes." Rey flounces to the door, about to leave.

Wylan looks at the stormtrooper by the door, clearly never having taken notice of her presence. "He makes you have a _keeper_?"

Rey turns back to Wylan, her eyes blazing. "She's my _friend_. She's with me because I _want_ her here. Kylo lets her off her duties to spend the afternoons with me," she says haughtily.

"He _assigned_ you a friend?" Wylan asks with contempt.

"No, I just _told_ you, he knows she's my friend so he made sure I could spend time with her! He was being _thoughtful_."

"Sure, because Kylo's such _nice_ guy," he mocks.

"He's nice to me!" Rey's hands are on her hips and Kylo is rather enjoying watching someone else run up against her temper.

"He just wants to bed you. If that's what you're looking for, I'd take _much_ better care of you than Kylo." KS-2153's face twists in pain and Kylo realizes he's again made her suffer from his inability to keep his anger from bleeding into her mind. He should remove himself, but he _must_ know how this ended.

"You're disgusting. Kylo was right about you," she says as she stomps out of the room.

KS-2153 hurries to keep up.

"Ugh! I never should have gone back!" Rey spits as they walk down the corridor.

"Are you alright?" the stormtrooper asks.

"No! I can't believe that man. He knows that I'm ... _involved_ with Kylo, his _boss_ , and, and, well, you saw." She flings her hands in the air. She's gorgeous when she's angry at someone other than him.

"But, I thought you aren't talking to the Supreme Leader?"

"Please, _please_ call him Kylo. This whole thing is weird enough without having to be reminded he's the Supreme Leader."

"Okay. You aren't talking to ... him," KS-2153 says as they continue to rush down the corridor, Rey's anger causing her to keep a brisk pace.

"That doesn't mean we aren't ... whatever the hell we are."

"And what is that?"

"I don't know! But I do know that if I told Kylo what Wylan just pulled he'd find himself Force pushed out of an airlock!" What a marvelous idea his beloved has had.

They reach Rey's quarters and Rey is still in a snit. She paces back and forth in her sitting room and KS-2153 removes her helmet.

"Maybe some tea would make you feel better?" KS-2153 offers cautiously.

"Tea is _not_ going to fix this."

"Why are you so upset?"

Rey stops her frantic pacing and sprawls in a chair. She clearly has not grown used to wearing dresses. "Kylo nearly destroyed the ship because I visited Wylan yesterday. " Her eyes are haunted. He _knew_ he had frightened her. She closes her eyes briefly and swallows. "I went back today because, well, I wanted to prove that I could, that he didn't get to decide what I do. I _completely_ ignored him when he told me what kind of person Wylan is because … well, honestly, it sounded like he was describing who I used to think Kylo was. His judgement isn't the best sometimes. Most of the time. But I guess he was right about Wylan."

"I'm sorry Rey, I still don't understand."

"I feel guilty." She looks at her hands. "I guess … I guess I wanted to get back at Kylo for treating me the way that he has, trying to control me. I thought … I thought he was telling me who I could be friends with on top of everything else. But he was right. I mean, I know I didn't do anything _wrong_ by going to see Wylan, but now it just feels … petty."

The women fall quiet while Rey looks at the floor.

KS-2153 takes a seat in the other chair. "Rey … may I ask you something?"

"I think I've told you everything I know about Finn."

"No, it's not about him. It's about, uhm, _him_."

"Kylo?"

"Yes."

"I may not answer, but yes, go ahead and ask."

"Why aren't you talking to him? These quarters, all those beautiful clothes, he spent _months_ creating this for you. It's all the ship would talk about, the Supreme Leader's special project. He was meticulous, he oversaw everything himself. It had to be perfect. He had the best of absolutely everything brought in for you. We couldn't figure out what was going on, exactly, but it was obvious that it was almost more important to him than even the First Order. But it seems like you don't … care."

Rey sighs and looks around her rooms. She reaches out and runs her hands along the fronds of a nearby fern. "I _do_ care. I know he tried to imagine everything I could want. He ... he knows me better than I know myself and at the same time, knows nothing about me at all." Kylo wishes KS-2153 had asked what she meant, but she hadn't.

Rey continues. "There's so much more going on; things I can't talk about. I'm not seeing him right now because of choices he's made and that's all I can really say."

"But, he loves you ..."

Rey's head snaps up. "Why do you think that?"

"He would have to. I mean, wouldn't he? It's all so romantic," she says dreamily. "It's like a holofilm. He searched and searched for you! He rescued you from the Resistance! He put aside _everything_ to find you. Some even say he killed Supreme Leader Snoke because he threatened you. Why would he do that if he didn't love you?" the confused stormtrooper asks.

Rey grimaces. "That's not really what happened. I didn't _want_ to leave the Resistance, Kes."

KS-2153 gasps. "But they're terrorists!"

Rey looks to the ceiling before staring intently into KS-2153's eyes. "I didn't want to say anything before. I didn't want to get you in trouble. But ... can I trust you?"

"Of course you can!"

"I mean, you can't talk about what I tell you. Especially not to Kylo."

"I wouldn't! No one has ever treated me like you do. I would never betray your trust, Rey."

"Even to the Supreme Leader?"

"He wouldn't bother with me anyway. I'm just a stormtrooper."

Rey looks away. "You're more than just _anything_. I suppose he could take it from your mind, but I don't think he'd do that, not now." A sick, thick feeling coils in his belly. This is where he should end this. But she's talking about _him_ , he _has_ to know. For a moment he perceives KS-2153's pale green eyes, full of utter loathing, but he can't stop. He _can't_.

Rey sighs. "Besides, if I don't talk to someone about this I think I'm going to go mad."

"You can trust me," KS-2153 promises.

KS-2153 struggles mightily then, almost pushing him out, but she's no match for him and he slices back into her memory. She cries out in torment.

"Everything you've ever been told about the Resistance is a lie. I was with them when Kylo kidnapped me." KS-2153's eyes widen. "Yes, kidnapped me. He ... he wasn't rescuing me."

"I thought ... I thought you'd been with them so long that they'd confused you, that we were guarding you while he helped you, helped you remember."

"No. He wasn't helping me. I was his prisoner," Rey says softly.

"But you aren't now?"

"Not exactly. I know he'll never let me go, but if I don't try to leave, I think he'll let me pretend. I hope he will." Pretend? Pretend what?

"But if you're with the Resistance, the enemy ... why did he do this?"

"Because you weren't wrong before. I think ... I think he _does_ love me in his own way. I didn't want to believe it at first, couldn't ... but he does. He certainly thinks he does." Rey looks at her hands and takes in a shuddering breath. She returns her gaze to KS-2153. "As much as he's able to, he loves me."

She believes him? He wishes she hadn't qualified his feelings, but maybe she really is going to let him love her. He ignores the tears coursing down KS-2153's cheeks.

"And how do you feel about him?" the memory version of KS-2153 asks. He focuses intensely; this prize may almost be worth his deplorable behavior. She's said she cares for him, but whatever she revealed to her friend is bound to be her true feelings.

"I'm very angry with him. He _stole_ me. But ... I also care about him, far more than I should. I've never felt anything _close_ to how he makes me feel." Rey reaches up and strokes the spot where his gift must rest. She's wearing it. "The way he looks at me, it's like I'm everything to him. He's so intense; it's terrifying and wonderful at the same time. I didn't know I could feel so wanted … so precious. When he touches me …" Rey blushes and shakes her head.

"Go on," KS-2153 prods.

Rey worries her bottom lip between her teeth then leans forward. "I … oh Kes, he's _overwhelming_. I can't _think_ when he kisses me. I never want him to stop, but then I remember how he mur-" Rey stops herself and looks down for a moment. "It's like he's two different people. I think maybe he really _is_. There's B-Kylo and then there's Ren. I know he's done horrible, _monstrous_ things ... But I can't hold on to that when I'm with him. It all falls away and there's just his eyes …"

Rey looks at her lap, gathering her thoughts, before catching KS-2153's gaze. "I think ... I think if things were different ... I think … I think I could love him," Rey whispers.

His heart stutters. Could she? Could she really? He'd never let himself hope.

KS-2153 nods.

"I don't know what to _do_!" Rey exclaims, then chokes out a laugh with no mirth.

"I don't understand."

Rey's hands flail. "That's what _he_ always says, _I don't know what to do_. Then he does something stupid."

"The S-he _has_ to do difficult things. We all do. But it will be over soon. You should be _proud_ of him for being willing to do what needs to be done," the soldier says with a touch of disapproval.

Rey looks away. "I ... I don't really see it that way. I know that awful things have to be done in war. But ... there's more going on than I can share that with you. It's not my story to tell. It makes this all so much more complicated. I don't even know if what I'm feeling is real, anyway."

She still doubts this is real? This isn't compulsion, he _knows_ everything between them is _true_.

"Why not?" KS-2153 tilts her head in puzzlement.

"It's to do with the Force. If it wasn't involved … But I guess it doesn't really matter, I would still have to choose between my heart and everything I believe about myself," Rey says with resignation.

"But to have his attention like that … He's the Supreme Leader!" she says, as if that clears up any conflict that Rey is feeling.

"That's the _problem_. I don't agree with him on … well, _anything_."

"The Supreme Leader is wise." There's something in the trooper's tone that snakes along Kylo's spine.

"No … no ... The First Order isn't what you think. The Resistance, they aren't terrorists. They're led by the nicest, kindest woman I've ever met. They want to free the galaxy. They would never snatch children from their families and force them to kill for them. Not like the First Order did with you, Finn, and thousands of others."

"No! They _saved_ us! We all would have starved without the First Order! They are mother and father."

"Kes, think about it. Do you really think there are that many babies with no parents? No ... they took you. They _stole_ you, just like Kylo stole me," Rey says firmly.

"No, they are mother and father!" the bewildered stormtrooper repeats.

"I saw the files myself. The Resistance has been gathering what they can so that when this is all over they can find your families. Finn already found where he's from. He knows his father's name and that he was born on a farm. The First Order descended and stole all the children under five. He was _two_. Somewhere on one of these Star Destroyers he has a brother."

KS-2153's eyes are huge and her hands are trembling. She starts shaking her head. "No. They are mother and father," she says desperately.

Rey looks at her friend for a long time. "Alright, Kes, alright."

KS-2153 nods and they sit in silence, both lost girls in women's bodies, trying to understand themselves.

Eventually Rey takes in a deep breath and jumps up. Her smile is forced, but she says brightly, "Come on, let's go see if we can figure out how to use all those colored creams and powders. Lei- uhm, a good friend used to wear that stuff and I'm sure we can find some pictures to help us. Plus, we still haven't tried on all the dresses."

They go into Rey's bedroom and Kylo realizes they won't be speaking of him any longer. He removes himself from KS-2153's consciousness.

She blinks at him and then her face crumples and she starts to weep. Kylo looks at the crying stormtroooper … the crying _woman,_ and he tries to push away the guilt but he can't. What has he done? He should feel elated with this new knowledge, that Rey thinks she could love him, but it was bought at such cost.

This is Rey's _friend_ and he's hurt her. Worse than that, he forced her to break Rey's trust. He'd broken her trust in both of them. She'd said she didn't think he'd invade the stormtrooper's mind. But he did. And for what? Rey hadn't done anything wrong; she'd rebuffed Wylan's advances.

He should have trusted her. She'd told him she wouldn't seek another man―she'd _told_ him. But he hadn't listened. Again. She'd begged him to control himself and how has he behaved? He'd proven her doubt right. He's no better than Leia Organa. His word means nothing.

KS-2153, Kes, is shaking. He never should have done this. He'd told Rey he would control himself but instead he'd lost all perspective. He watches the broken woman before him and he's disgusted with himself.

"Kes," he says gently.

She looks at him with terrified eyes and holds her hands up, preparing to defend herself from whatever attack may be coming.

"No, you don't need to be afraid of me. I won't take your memories, not again."

"She _trusted_ me. You made me betray her!"

"I did."

Kes looks up at him. "I didn't believe her, but it's true, isn't it?"

"About the stormtroopers, yes."

She sniffs and wipes her face. He sees the moment she remembers who she is, who _he_ is and she leaps to stand at attention. "My apologies, Supreme Leader!" Her eyes are huge with fear.

"You have no reason to apologize." He knows it is _he_ who should apologize, but he can't bring himself to debase himself in such a way. He shakes himself internally. "I'm going to put you to sleep now, change your memory, fix your mind ... undo the damage I did."

"This isn't the first time I've betrayed her, is it?" she asks with resignation.

"No," he says regretfully. "But it will be the last." He waves his hand across Kes's face and lowers her unconscious form into a chair.

He will change Kes's memory and he won't do this again. He will trust Rey. He should have always trusted Rey.

* * *

Kylo is in his 'fresher, staring at himself in the mirror. He traces Rey's scar, remembering how she'd marked him. He's hers. And he's _betrayed_ her. She'd said that he would find a way to get what he wanted and she was _right_. She won't ever know, but he didn't even manage a _day_ before he'd lost control of himself. Technically he'd not gone back on his word―he'd said he wouldn't _spy_. No, what he did was _worse_. Rey cares about Kes. He can't think of her as KS-2153 any longer. She matters to Rey, and in his unhinged state he'd not even considered that.

Looking at his reflection, he thinks of all the things Rey has called him over the months. Despicable. Torturer. Rotten. _Monster_.

Suddenly he can't bear the sight of his own face and he turns away. He goes to his bedroom and slips beneath the covers. Trying to push away the suffocating guilt, he stares at the ceiling.

"I'm sorry," he whispers to the empty room.

* * *

A/N:

Thank you ever so much to Meaghan M/Juulna for being simply the best beta in the galaxy. I hope you know how dear you are to me.

Thank you readers! I know this is posted out of schedule. I had intended to wait until Monday but I just couldn't. Thank you for being such marvelous people!

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	27. Chapter 27

Kylo sits in his newly refurbished office. Everything is exactly as it was. Hux has always been a perfectionist. Jashad and Palek Ren are on their way to Dashrah. The guilt is still at the edge of his mind, but he tells himself he's been able to push it away. He dearly wishes to visit Wylan and explain that if he so much as _looks_ at Rey he's a dead man, but he is trapped in a cage of his own making. He should not have the knowledge that he does, so he cannot act.

The shame has had an odd benefit. It had been much easier to stay away from her door this morning. He doesn't deserve to see her, not after what he did.

"Supreme Leader," Hux says as he strides into his office.

"Yes, General Hux?"

The general blinks at the use of his title. "We have word on the traitor FN-2187 and the Resistance pilot Poe Dameron."

"And?" He hopes it's good news. He wants desperately to atone for his actions, and being able to reassure Rey that her friends are alright would be a meager start.

"They both survived the attack on Illaria, and given the rather _one-sided_ nature of the last conflict, it is safe to assume that they're in good health."

"Excellent news, thank you."

Hux sputters, "It's _excellent news_ that two leading Resistance members are alive?"

Kylo is slipping and he just doesn't feel like coming up with a reasonable excuse. "They are Rey's friends," he says simply.

"I see," Hux says coldly.

"Not today, Hux. It will make her happy. Is that really so awful? They're just two men; they won't change things for us either way."

"You will do quite a bit to make her _happy_." Hux arches a single brow.

Kylo sits back and regards the general. "Yes, I will. Is that a problem?"

"I don't know sir, you tell me. You are the one Force Bonded to the enemy."

It was far too much to hope that Hux wouldn't have researched on his own after hearing Rey say that she had attempted to communicate with him through their Bond. And, of course, Kylo himself had ensured that all information he could gather was available in the archives so that Rey would have access.

"It won't be a problem," Kylo grinds out.

"On Ilaria, when you let the Resistance go, you didn't do it to make her amenable to sharing the location of Skywalker. You did it to make her _happy_ , didn't you?"

Kylo's jaw clenches. "Yes."

"And then they attacked us less than two weeks later, destroyed two of our strongest ships. Was that a _problem_?" The general's eyes are steely.

"I did not anticipate that result."

"Perhaps you should have."

"As I did not, the point is moot. Was there anything else, _General_?" he asks testily.

"Not at this time. Sir."

"Hmm."

* * *

 _Your friends are alive._

He stares at the words and thinks of all he wants to say. He'd typed out, 'I'm sorry,' dozens of times before deleting them all. She would not know for what he'd be apologizing. He just wants this oppressive, twisting, _consuming_ shame to go away.

He tries again.

 _Finn and Poe Dameron were unharmed on Ilaria. It is my wish that this news brings you comfort. I know that you asked I not abuse the privilege of sending you a message. I hope that I've not done so. If I've overstepped, please tell me, and I'll reserve any further communication to news of your family or in the event of an emergency._

He sends the message and lets out a slow breath. _I'm sorry, Rey. I'm so sorry._

* * *

Kylo can't stop seeing the look of absolute betrayal on Kes's face, watching her loyalty die. She no longer remembers his confirmation of the origins of the stormtroopers, but he'd not touched her memory of Rey revealing the truth. It is only a matter of time before Kes comes to believe Rey.

He thinks of how Kes had urged Rey to accept his attentions, how she'd found it all _so romantic,_ and he's revolted anew with himself. The naive stormtrooper had been an ally of sorts, and he'd repaid her with pain and invasion.

He's not been able to think much on what he'd learned, given how he had come by the knowledge. He's twisted something beautiful. Rey had said she could love him. _Love_ him. He'd never really allowed himself to think in such terms. And now … now he knows he could never deserve such a precious gift.

Yesterday he'd been _terrified_ of hurting Rey the next time he lost himself. He'd imagined her broken body, not _this_. He thought Rey could trust him. He'd been so careful to never lie to her and now he has, in spirit if not in fact. He knows he's never told her something that was untrue, but now he is _hiding_ something from her. If Rey ever found out how he'd ripped into Kes's mind, ignoring her anguished whimpers and valiant struggle, she'd never speak to him again. And she'd be right not to.

He's not sure how he'll ever look her in the eyes again.

* * *

"Kylo!" bursts into his consciousness, immediately commanding his focus.

"Rey! What's wrong? Are you hurt?" He sits forward quickly in his chair, panic racing through his limbs.

"What? No. It's Kes! They're threatening to take her to something called 'reconditioning'. You have to stop them!" Rey begs into the Bond.

"Who? Who's saying that?" He won't let Kes be harmed, not after what he's done.

"A stormtrooper, FL-4359. He seems to be in charge."

"Where are you?" he asks, already on his feet.

"C deck, near the mess hall. Kes was showing me the ship."

"I'm on my way."

"Please hurry. They've already taken Kes into custody! She's so scared." Rey's plaintive tone catches in his chest.

"I'm coming, sweetheart. Don't worry, everything will be alright."

He tears from his office. "Hux!"

"Supreme Leader?" The general takes an involuntary step back as Kylo rushes towards him.

"There's a situation on C deck. Something to do with Ke- KS-2153 and FL-4359. Contact FL-4359 and tell him to stand down and that I will be there shortly. Under no circumstances is KS-2153 to be sent to reconditioning."

"Sir, that's really Captain Phasma's are-"

"Just do it!" Kylo yells through his mask as he leaves the bridge.

* * *

He rounds the corner on C deck to find a clutch of stormtroopers surrounding his beloved and a trembling Kes. Rey is resplendent in a long red gown that under any other circumstance would have _all_ of his attention, and Kes is out of her armor, wearing a pale yellow dress that doesn't fit quite right. The ensemble is vaguely familiar. It must be Rey's. He'd ordered so many that they'd all run together.

"Let her go!" Rey shouts furiously.

"Ma'am, we are following protocol."

"I don't care! She didn't _do_ anything; she's just wearing a _dress_ , for Maker's sake. Take those things off of her right now!"

She moves to pull the binders from Kes's wrists but two stormtroopers push her back and she stumbles. Kylo growls a feral sound and swiftly reaches out with the Force. Both soldiers are lifted from their feet and slammed into the bulkhead. They dared touch Rey? Oh, there will be some serious _reconditioning_ in their future.

Rey turns quickly and sees him. Her enraged expression shifts to profound relief. "Kylo!"

The remaining troopers stand at attention, ignoring their two comrades lolling on the floor. He strides forward and Rey rushes to meet him.

"You have to stop them! It's not her fault!" Rey exclaims as she grabs his hands. He can't quite think straight. Rey is touching him. He shouldn't let her; he's betrayed her utterly. She's _glad_ he's here. He'd like to choke the life out of the stormtroopers that had laid hands on his Rey, and he can't help but notice how Kes is shrinking from him. It's a mad circus of contradiction. He blinks quickly behind his helmet, reining in his fury and jumbled feelings.

He turns to the motley group and suppresses the pang he feels as he gently untangles his hands from Rey's. She curls her fingers around his arm, standing next to him. She feels so _right_ by his side. She'd been in trouble and she'd reached out to him, _knowing_ he would protect her and her friend. Just a day ago he would have felt such joy to have her so openly claim him, but he fears he's ruined everything with his selfish cruelty.

"FL-4359!" he barks.

"Supreme Leader, sir!" the tallest of the stormtroopers responds. Kylo is still taller and he looks down on his white-armor-clad foe.

"What, _precisely_ , is the meaning of this?"

"KS-2153 has violated sections 43 and 89, and is being sent for reconditioning as per regulation Rho, sir!" the gleaming trooper informs him.

Rey tugs at him and he turns to her, ignoring FL-4359.

"I didn't know! I pushed Kes not to wear her armor or helmet. She told me, but I said it would be alright. I didn't know. Please, Kylo, please! I didn't know!" Rey says frantically.

He knows he's in front of the stormtroopers, but he just doesn't care. Rey is relying on him, _asking_ him for his help, and for once he will be able to give her exactly what she wants.

"Shhh, it's alright. Nothing will happen to Kes," he reassures her as he cups her anguished face with his gloved hand. The tension in Rey's body lessens immediately and she pushes slightly into his palm. He strokes her cheek with his thumb before dropping his hand and returning his gaze to FL-4359.

"Release KS-2153," Kylo orders. The stormtroopers holding Kes hurry to obey. Her pale green eyes are wary and she rubs her wrists. Then she looks directly at Kylo and visibly flinches. Damn. There must be an emotional echo. Changing memories is a tricky business and he'd clearly underestimated the impact on her subconscious. He remembers the horror in her eyes as she'd accused him. ' _She trusted me. You made me betray her!'_ His stomach rolls with nausea.

"FL-4359, she will _not_ be sent to reconditioning and has my _explicit_ permission to appear out of uniform."

Rey places her other hand on his arm and she opens the Bond ever so slightly. A delicious wave of her light caresses him with affection and gratitude. He wants to revel in it, but instead he must ensure she not sense how _very_ unworthy of her kindness he has made himself.

The stormtrooper is silent for a beat too long. "Yes, sir. As you say, sir." Kylo tilts his head at the mild impertinence in FL-4359's tone but decides not to address it.

Quite a crowd has gathered and he frowns.

"You are all dismissed," he says shortly to the onlookers. The two fallen stormtroopers are pulled to their feet and Kylo notes their designations. He will deal with _them_ later. Reluctantly, the collection of officers and stormtroopers disperses.

Soon, only himself, Rey, and Kes remain.

Rey goes up to her friend and says something quietly. Kes's eyes dart to him with distrust, but she removes herself to the end of the hall. Kylo will need to address his imperfect handling of Kes's memory, or she will likely always fear him without knowing _why_. He doesn't want Rey's friend to feel that way about him.

Rey comes to stand in front of him. "Could you maybe take off your mask?"

"Right, of course. I'm sorry. I know how you hate it," he says as he swiftly removes his helmet and holds it in the crook of his elbow. He should have thought of that on his own.

She looks at his mask and then she takes it from him, placing it on the floor.

"Rey, wha-" And then she's wrapping her arms around his waist and he instinctively captures her in his embrace. He's breathing shallowly and finding it difficult to think. His beloved is in his arms. He doesn't deserve to touch her, but he still holds her as closely as he can. _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

"Thank you for coming so quickly," she says into his chest.

"I will always come for you." She feels so good― _so_ good. He can't believe he'd allowed himself to threaten _this_.

She pulls back just enough to look up at him. Her beautiful hazel eyes pull him in. "Kes has been sad today, so I thought it might cheer her up to dress up and leave the rooms. I convinced her it would be okay. I should have known better after everything Finn told me. I didn't think anyone would _care_ since she's off duty when she's with me."

He could let this pass unaddressed but he's loath to hide anything else from her now. "It doesn't matter if she is or is not on duty, stormtroopers are not to be outside of the barracks without their armor and helmets. And …" He knows she'll hate this. "Technically she _is_ on duty, she's assigned to spend the afternoons with you."

"You _assigned_ me a friend?" The reminder of her conversation with Wylan stings. He shouldn't have this forbidden knowledge.

He shakes his head firmly. "I never, _never_ meant it like that. You said you needed people to talk to. I was trying to give you what you asked for. I'll change her orders, put her on a reduced schedule. Then it will be up to Kes if she wishes to spend that time with you. I truly had not considered it before now, though I see that I should have."

She catches her lower lip between her teeth. "Oh. Alright then." Rey shifts, now running her hands up his torso then threading her arms around his neck. He places his hands on her slim waist. She holds his eyes with hers then he sees a shadow cross her face.

She looks away furtively. "I … there's something I should tell you."

"What is it?" Though he has a fairly good idea already.

"I went to see Wylan again yesterday," she says guiltily, not looking at him.

Kylo doesn't know what to say. This is his opening; this is where he should tell her what he's done. Then her eyes lift and he looks into her nervous face and he _can't_. She'll _never_ let him back in if he tells her. He just keeps staring into her delicate face, trying to push away the roiling shame. She blinks up at him and her expression grows concerned.

"Kylo? Did you hear me?" she prods.

"Yes, I heard you," he says tonelessly.

"Are you … mad?"

Oh, he _had_ been. He'd been so furious and hurt that he'd crossed a line he didn't even know he could, but he's certainly _not_ feeling that way now. "No, I'm not angry." No, now he's almost choking on his guilt.

"You don't mind?" Her brows draw together.

His mind is racing―he has no _idea_ how to navigate this conversation. For the first time since he met her, he wants to run from her.

"Is there a reason I should?" he says, pushing the focus back on her.

"No! You were right. He's _horrible_." She shivers in revulsion and her arms tighten around his neck, pulling him closer to her.

He knows it would be very strange for him not to ask more, but he feels like the worst sort of villain, pretending he doesn't already know everything that had happened.

"Did he treat you badly?" He hopes his tone does not reveal his duplicity.

"He was very rude. I won't be visiting him again," she says with extreme distaste.

"It is your choice," he offers evenly.

Rey's eyes widen in shock. "Really?"

"I trust you," he says openly. If only he had trusted her yesterday. Maker, he's _disgusting_.

"Oh. But, the day before yesterday, you were so _angry_. You thought I would … you thought I would try to, you know, with another man." Her eyes dart away uncomfortably. For the first time he perceives how it must have felt for him to think that of her. How could he have believed that? Rey doesn't have it in her to be so faithless.

"I've had time to reflect." And treat her and her friend oh so badly. How is he going to come back from what he's done? "I know you wouldn't do that. It was unfair of me to think that you would. As I said, I trust you."

She looks up at him, then her eyes flit away. Eventually, she again catches his gaze, and he finds a cautious warmth in her eyes. "Between that, rescuing Kes, and giving me all of yesterday to think, maybe I should reward you and invite you to dinner soon," she says shyly.

Force that _hurts_. He doesn't manage to keep it from his face because her expression shifts immediately. "Unless you don't want me to," she says dejectedly.

"No! I mean, yes, yes I want you to. Of _course_ I want to spend time with you. I just …" He just doesn't _deserve_ to be rewarded. He takes in a deep breath. He must reassure her, she's radiating insecurity. "I do not need to be _rewarded_ for coming to your aid and we both know that I have not handled myself well these past few days. You owe me nothing. Wait until you are truly ready to see me." Perhaps by then he will have managed to come to terms with his beastly behavior.

While he's been speaking her lips have parted in wonder. She pulls a hand from his neck and lightly presses the tips of her fingers against his cheek. Her eyes grow impossibly soft and warm. She's _never_ looked at him like this before. He hears her voice whisper in his memory: _I think I could love him._ Stars, he _hates_ himself.

She holds his gaze intensely as she goes on her toes. Then she kisses his cheek, pressing her hand against his face so that she's holding him fast against her lips. There's such tenderness in her kiss, it reaches deep inside and he shudders. He's never felt so _cherished_ and he tries to push away what he's done so that he may drown in this feeling.

For a fleeting moment, he manages to clutch her to him and simply feel her light and genuine affection before the guilt and regret again overtakes him. Her perfect lips linger against his cheek then she pulls back, threading her hand through his hair. He wants to let himself get lost in her touch, but he warrants none of this attention. She looks into his eyes while stroking her fingers along his scalp. " _Thank you_ , Kylo."

 _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry_...

Then she's stepping back and walking towards Kes. When she reaches her friend she turns to look over her shoulder. She catches his eyes and she smiles the sweetest smile he's ever seen. He watches as they disappear around the corner then he sags against the wall, his head hanging in defeat. He is wretched.

* * *

He haunts his office like a ghost. He constantly checks to see if she's responded to his message about her friends. She must have received it by now; she'd left him in the hallway hours ago. Perhaps she is waiting for Kes to leave. He winces at the thought of Kes.

He has the most peculiar urge to take a TIE and just fly. He wonders if this was why Han Solo would run after particularly vicious fights with his m- with Leia Organa. Could he not look at himself in the mirror, either?

Maker, he's losing his mind! Thinking about the Scoundrel and the Princess? He needs … he needs … he needs _Rey_. He needs to talk to her― _with_ her. He needs her light. He needs her _forgiveness_.

He checks again and finds that she's written back. He hesitates, his need for more of her, any little bit she'll give, at war with his overwhelming remorse. Finally, he opens it.

 _Thank you for telling me about Finn and Poe. You may send me messages._

He has no _idea_ how to respond. Does this mean that she wants him to communicate with her? Will she feel ignored if he doesn't, pressured if he does? He can't face it just yet so he reads it again and closes her missive.

He's not accustomed to facing his actions. He makes his choices, does what is necessary, then moves on, never looking back. Trying so hard to never look back.

But this … this had _not_ been necessary. It was his madness embodied and he knows he has to do _something_. He doesn't trust himself to make the right choice about anything right now. But … maybe he _could_ trust Vitok.

* * *

"Supreme Leader!" Vitok says in surprise as she answers her door. She waves him inside as she hastily moves to pick up her helmet.

"No, don't bother," he says as he removes his own mask.

Vitok tilts her head and studies him. He feels small under her scrutiny, as if she can tell what he's done just by looking at him.

"Come, let's sit down." She smiles at him kindly and it just makes him feel worse.

As they walk to her seating area she grabs two glasses and a bottle of something wicked and brown. Vitok's quarters are compact, but she still has a couch and two chairs. There is a partition, walling off her bed from the rest of the room.

She gestures for him to sit and he folds his long frame into the offered chair. She sits opposite him and pours two healthy glasses of the spirit. Vitok hands him his glass and clinks it with her own.

"What are we drinking to?" Vitok asks.

"Regret," he says dully.

Vitok raises her brows. "Ah … perhaps hard-won wisdom, instead?"

Kylo snorts, but he nods as he knocks back his drink. Oh, that's strong. Good.

Vitok refills their glasses. "Tell me."

Kylo catches her warm brown eyes for a moment before looking down at his drink. "I did something spectacularly stupid."

"Hmm."

He shakes his head. "No … not like I usually do … This time I did something _unforgivable_."

Vitok sits up and her eyes grow concerned. She nods for him to continue.

He takes a swallow of the sharp alcohol. "Rey has a friend, a stormtrooper."

"The one that was with her during the, ah … incident?"

"Yes. KS-2153, but Rey calls her Kes." The corner of his mouth lifts ever so slightly. He actually finds it quite charming that Rey wanted Kes to have a name.

Vitok smiles. "I do like that girl."

"You barely know her."

"Well, she has you chasing your tail, so it's hard not to like her on principle," Vitok says, raising her glass as if to toast the absent woman. He thinks perhaps she is here, after a fashion. She's always with him.

"Well, anyway. Yesterday … I found out that Rey had visited Wylan again."

"Is it safe to assume that her _first_ visit triggered your unscheduled test of hull integrity?"

Kylo cringes at the reminder of his nearly catastrophic overreaction. "Yes."

"And how did you handle it the second time?"

"Poorly."

"I think I _had_ gathered that. But what does this Kes have to do with Rey visiting Wylan?"

"I … Force, Vitok … I'm so ashamed." He places his drink on the low table between them and puts his face in his hands, his elbows on his knees.

Vitok waits patiently, occasionally taking sips of her drink.

"When I took Rey back to her quarters that day, she asked why I became so upset, why I … endangered the ship. I had to tell her that it was because I couldn't handle seeing her with Wylan."

"Wait. You _saw_ her? I thought you were on the bridge."

He sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. "I had her under surveillance; I was watching her through the security feed."

"Supreme Leader!" Vitok gasps.

"Kylo. Maker, Vitok, right now, call me Kylo."

"Kylo, then. You were spying on her? After you had already violated her privacy by keeping her things?" Vitok scolds.

"I know," he says miserably. "But I _did_ tell her. And she said … she said she wouldn't ask me to stop because I would just find another way to get whatever I want."

Vitok looks at him pointedly but doesn't say anything.

"Anyway, I promised that I wouldn't spy any longer and I haven't."

"Alright. But you did something else."

"Yes." He takes in a deep breath. "Yesterday Jashad and Palek told me that they'd seen Rey visiting Wylan for a second time. I … I tried to control myself, I really did. But I had to _know_." He runs both his hands through his hair.

"I did everything I could think of―I trained, meditated, other coping mechanisms, but nothing worked. I would close my eyes and see them touching, his hands all over her, her hands on hi-"

"Why would you think that? She doesn't even know him. When you lost control of yourself the other day she came running. I was there by the time she arrived. She was beside herself with worry. Rey was _terrified_ that something had happened to you. You were out for quite a while, so we talked. Don't worry; she didn't betray any of your confidences." Of course she didn't. He's the one who _betrays_ , not his precious Rey. "She cares about you. She's given you no reason to doubt her like that. I told you, you must trust her."

Kylo closes his eyes and grimaces in pain.

"What? What is it?"

When he again glances at his old confidante he finds her eyes deep with worry. "I trust her. I do. _I'm_ the one who can't be trusted."

"What do you mean?"

"Last night … well early this morning, I went to the stormtrooper barracks and had Kes presented to me."

"You didn't go behind her back and question her friend, did you?"

"No … it was worse. So much worse," he says, keeping his gaze to the ceiling.

"You didn't. Kylo, tell me you didn't!"

"I … yes. I made her show me."

"And as soon as you confirmed that nothing happened between them, you stopped, right? Right?"

"No. No … They were talking about _me_ , she was telling Kes how she feels about me! I had to know! She never tells me how she's feeling. I didn't think I'd ever get another chance to know!"

Vitok sits forward and her eyes flash. "That's up to her! They're _her_ feelings! She isn't one of your knights. We signed up for this, she didn't."

"But she never tells me anything. Well … she hasn't until very recently."

"What do you mean?"

"That afternoon she told me she cares for me."

"But that wasn't enough. She told you she cares for you a _day_ after she found her things and you still weren't satisfied?"

"I … I didn't think of it like that."

Vitok looks at him sharply. "I'm extraordinarily disappointed in you."

"Well I'm _extraordinarily disappointed_ in myself!" he exclaims. He still can't quite believe he'd treated Rey's friend with such carelessness, lost in his own frenzied need to _know_.

Vitok sighs. "And what were your ill-gotten gains?"

"She said … she said she thought she could love me." He clenches his eyes shut. He'd _taken_ such treasured knowledge, a sacred hope he'd never been able to truly imagine. He has no right to knowing this and he's ensured that he could _never_ be worthy of it.

Vitok is silent so Kylo chances a look at her face. He's surprised to find pity.

"Was it worth it?" she asks with pursed lips.

"No, Maker, no! I'd give anything to take it back. The way Kes looked at me when she realized it wasn't the first time I'd done it …"

"What? You did this twice?" Vitok exhales and shakes her head in disapproval.

"I … the first day she wouldn't see me." His voice is thick with regret.

"You did this _after_ we talked about showing her you'd give her time? Prove she had some control in this impossible situation?" Her eyes are wide with reproach.

"Yes," he whispers.

Vitok stands and walks to her viewscreen. She's silent and her hands are at her hips. She turns to him and opens her mouth as if to speak, then her jaw snaps shut and she looks back at the stars. Finally she takes a deep breath and comes to sit back down. She picks up her drink and pounds it, then refills her glass. She looks at Kylo's near-empty glass and tops his off as well.

She looks at him for a long time before asking, "Why did you come to me tonight?"

"I obviously can't trust my own judgement. I had hoped you would know what I should do. I can't believe that I did that to her. I don't know how to control myself when it comes to Rey."

"Why?" Her eyes pierce him and he's confused.

"Why? I don't understand."

"What is it about Rey that makes you behave like this?" she asks patiently.

"I … I don't know. I get so afraid, desperate. At first it was just because I needed her so badly, but then … then I realized I love her and … I can't think clearly. I lose all perspective; imagine things that would never happen. I know Rey wouldn't throw herself at Wylan, I _know_ it. I just want to give her everything but she pushes me away so I try something else. But then that doesn't work. I'm so close to having everything I've ever wanted and it feels like I've ruined it. I always ruin it," he says despairingly. He's _always_ failed, for as long as he can remember. Unbidden, another set of disappointed brown eyes streak through his memory.

Vitok nods to herself. "You're afraid she's going to break your heart so you keep trying to control things that you can't."

Kylo scoffs. "I've lost track of the number of times she's broken my heart."

Vitok looks at him sadly. "Have you considered letting her go?"

He sits forward quickly. "No! No, never. I won't. I can't."

"But wouldn't you rather find someone who doesn't inspire this irrational behavior? Who you wouldn't have to chase?"

He shakes his head firmly. "There is no one for me but Rey."

"It's a pretty big galaxy."

"Not for me. Regardless, we are Bound. I'm hers. She's mine. It's the will of the Force."

She tilts her head and eventually nods. "Well then. I guess we have to work from here."

"What do I _do_? Tell me how to be free of this awful shame. I can't function!"

Vitok sighs heavily. "The simple answer is you just deal with it. You did something egregious, you know you did, you feel guilty for it, as you should. You could tell her―perhaps she would forgive you."

Fear courses through him at the idea of telling Rey what he's done. He can almost feel her heart close to him forever. "How could she possibly? I ripped into Kes's mind because I didn't trust her _after_ I promised her I wouldn't spy, after she found my treasures, after I … found _her_. It's just a giant tower of me failing her, hurting her …" He breathes out slowly then hesitantly catches Vitok's eyes. "I haven't even told you everything."

"There's more?" Vitok's expression sharpens and her lips thin.

"Kes … I made her betray Rey's trust. Rey doesn't trust easily. I don't think she would have talked to her if Kes wasn't her only friend here. But she's been through so _much_ in such a short amount of time. Her mother … my behavior. She asked Kes if she could trust her and not twelve hours later I was pawing through her memories, forcing her to break those confidences. I was so upset, I hurt Kes. I had to spend nearly an hour repairing her mind. I was … I was brutal. So not only did I go back on my word, prove Rey right, I also hurt her friend. I made Kes betray her." The words tumble out quickly, he doesn't know how else to admit to how he'd traumatized the loyal stormtrooper.

The silence stretches as Vitok says nothing. She looks at her drink and Kylo knows he's lost some of Vitok's respect. He's kept everyone at arms length for such a long time, it shouldn't matter to him what Vitok thinks of him. But it does.

Finally, she says quietly, "I think who you _truly_ wronged is Kes. Yes, you should have trusted Rey, you did break your promise, but it's Kes you hurt."

He'd never thought of it that way. "How do I fix this?"

"You can't. All you can do is never do it again."

"But … How do I get rid of these consuming feelings?"

"You don't. You have to live with them."

"I …"

"Look, you really screwed up. You refuse to tell Rey. So you live with it and you do better."

He does _not_ like this solution. "I just … I just want to make it up to her."

"Then learn how to calm down and be patient."

"How?"

"Accept you can't control her and, for Maker's sake, leave her the hell alone!"

* * *

Kylo is back in his quarters, reading her message again.

 _Thank you for telling me about Finn and Poe. You may send me messages._

He doesn't want to leave it unanswered. He's desperate to talk to her. But he still has no idea what to say.

Talking with Vitok had helped, even if he doesn't really have any better sense of what he should do. Confessing what he did made it all feel less oppressive. Someday he'll admit his actions to Rey. He doesn't want it between them forever. But for now he will focus on the First Order and know that giving her space is how he can quietly atone for what he did.

He thinks about the unexpected gift of her touch today. He knows he deserves none of what he'd received. She thinks he's been being _honorable_ , respecting her wishes. She'd wanted to _reward_ him. He frowns as he remembers her telling him he'd earned her allowing him to escort her to her quarters after the stormy night in Ilaria.

In fact, she often touches him after he's done something she wants. She'd touched his face when he'd offered to take her to Vren, kissed his cheek when he'd removed his helmet, held his hands after he'd agreed to remove the guards from her door … He's not sure what it means, but it unsettles him.

He despises the guilt seeing her has stoked. Time with Rey should be pure, but he's tainted it. She was supposed to _fix_ it. Being with her was meant to quiet the endless whispering torment that bites and tears at the edges of his soul. But today, he'd only been able to find a fleeting moment of her bliss.

He supposes that at least she had told him about her second visit to Wylan, and that the knight had behaved badly. Now he is allowed to know. He could go to medical and have a little _conversation_ with the contemptible man, but he's certain he would at the very least hurt him. If Wylan taunted him about Rey, he'd likely kill him. No, he needs to pretend that Wylan is systems away. Though Rey now strongly dislikes him, Kylo knows she would not wish him to handle Wylan as he dearly wants to.

She'd been glorious in her fury, certain that Kylo would defend her if he knew of Wylan's behavior. She'd grown quite offended at the way Wylan spoke of him. She'd talked as if he _mattered_ to her. He wishes, fiercely, that he had been patient, waited for her to speak of her feelings.

He sighs and remembers how lovely Rey had looked in that stunning red dress. Perhaps, when she agrees to start seeing him again, he might ask her to wear it for him?

Finally, he types out his message.

 _You're welcome. You looked beautiful today._

* * *

A/N: Thank you to my ever brilliant beta and friend, Meaghan M/Juulna. She puts up with so many random texts from me. "So, I was thinking, maybe ..." I'm very lucky to have her in my life.

Thank you beautiful readers! I'm grateful for every hit, follow, favorite, and review!


	28. Chapter 28

Rey has been on the _Finalizer_ for just over two weeks. It's been five days since he last saw her and, while he hasn't precisely grown accustomed to the ache in his chest or the pull in his limbs, he's managed to keep from doing anything _too_ egregious. He avoids thinking of Wylan; he knows he would not be able to keep from beating the man bloody. This is too personal for the Force. The next time that excuse for a man steps one toe out of line, Kylo will use his _fists_. And he will _enjoy_ it.

He's been training every morning with Vitok and that has helped more than he thought it would. The first day he hadn't said much, opting to deflect her gently probing questions. But by the fourth morning she'd coaxed him into opening up about Rey and, before he'd realized it, an hour had passed. Just being able to talk about her had eased the pain of missing her. He'd found himself smiling a few times when he told Vitok of Rey's love of sweets and his hopes for their future.

He's not been able to stop seeing Kes's anguished green eyes, though. He won't risk losing Rey by admitting what he did, but he finds himself wanting to _do_ something for the stormtrooper. It puzzles and unsettles him, so he tries not to think on it.

Rey hasn't invited him to see her, as she'd suggested she might. Clearly she has accepted his desire that she wait until she is truly ready to see him. The hope that she would invite him back in had taunted him, even as he'd known he wasn't ready to handle lying to her face. Because that is the place he has found himself. His need to hide his actions has created a situation in which he _will_ lie to her.

He never thought, for even one moment, that he would lie to Rey. So much of what he believes about himself has been falling away. He's shocked by the lengths he will go to keep her, to _have_ her, even as he pushes away the knowledge that he's standing on shifting sands.

She writes him a short note every day, now. It is, without a doubt, the most important few minutes of his day. Rey writes him each morning and he savors it as he goes about his business, only allowing himself to respond in the evening. In that way, he feels that he is almost wishing her goodnight. This morning's message had been a bit longer, and he'd re-read the last line so many times he'd lost count.

 _I've been studying the holocrons. I haven't opened them all yet, I'm trying to absorb each one before moving on to the next. Kes has been helping me train. She doesn't know anything about lightsaber forms of course, but she has been learning with me so that I have someone to spar with. Thank you again for changing her schedule. She has chosen to continue to spend that time with me._

 _I think about you._

He knows he will spend the day composing his response in the back of his mind. It is a small opening, but it's there.

* * *

Now he is in his usual daily meeting with Hux.

"The spy. What have you found?" Kylo asks.

"We thought we had ferreted out a lead on the _Tagge,_ but that turned out to be a low-level smuggling ring."

Kylo hates smuggling. Han Solo had always smirked that his chosen _profession_ wasn't _really_ criminal. He just moved goods. _No one gets hurt, kid._ But where did the goods _come_ from? What was done with them? That was never _his_ problem. Han Solo never took responsibility for anything or anyone.

"What were the details?"

"Just contraband being distributed to the stormtroopers―banned reading material, alcohol, things of that nature," Hux says as he makes notes on his datapad.

"Resistance propaganda?"

"No, nothing like that. We would probe much more deeply if that was the case. The perpetrators have been sent to reconditioning, as well as those that partook."

Kylo knows this should satisfy him but instead he thinks of Kes and finds himself uncomfortable.

"And what have you found on the _Finalizer_?"

"Nothing, as I would expect. However, the search continues."

"Anything else to report?"

"There is troubling news coming out of Eshara. Word of a rebellion."

Eshara. Another desert planet. He hates the desert, but perhaps Rey would enjoy seeing something familiar? He _had_ said he would ensure she was off of the ship as frequently as possible.

"Perhaps a visit from the Supreme Leader might quiet things?" Kylo suggests.

Hux pauses, contemplating his solution. "Yes, that should do nicely, remind them of the might of the First Order. With your approval, we will head there immediately." Hux looks at him expectantly.

Kylo nods his agreement. Maybe he might even have the opportunity to show her what he's trying to accomplish. Eshara has been with the First Order for just over a year and has been thriving. He'll need to delve more deeply into the reasons behind the simmering dissent.

* * *

"Supreme Leader," Jashad's hologram greets him.

"Jashad Ren."

"I'm afraid it's not good news. Lann Tren had already left Dashrah when we arrived. Apparently she returned to the spice several months ago."

Behind his mask Kylo swears under his breath. This will devastate Rey. "Were you able to find anything useful?"

"Yes, she had to provide her place of birth when she joined the Order of the K'Ruhr. Additionally, they believe that she went to Coruscant." Rey's mother had been on Coruscant when they'd been there seeking Sylten Qree? The Force mystifies him, sometimes.

"Where was Rey's mother born?"

"Preslan. There is one other item; she also told them when Rey was born."

Rey's birthday? He's certain she has no idea what her date of birth actually is. He believes she is 20, but he's not sure.

"And?"

"She was born on the twelfth day of the fourth month. She'll be 21 on her next birthday."

That's soon. That's _very_ soon. Will she allow him to see her by then? Her birthday … he will be able to give her her very first birthday present. He smiles softly.

"Thank you, Jashad," Kylo says sincerely.

"We only wish that Lann Tren was still on Dashrah. What are your orders, sir?"

Kylo sits back in his chair and thinks about it for a moment. "Head to Coruscant, try and locate her. Keep me informed of any progress."

"Yes, sir."

The hologram flickers off and Kylo contemplates the empty space. Preslan. It's quite remote, nowhere near Eshara. But perhaps Rey has grandparents on Preslan. Hux would have kittens if he ordered the _Finalizer_ away from their current mission to handle the brewing unrest. He smirks as he thinks that at least the general's cat would have company. What's that ridiculous beast's name? Molly? Mildred?

He quickly keys in an order to the analysts to request any records from Preslan for the name Tren and children born on the twelfth day of the fourth month, 21 years ago. If he's lucky, Rey was born on Preslan as well. If he finds relatives, then he will have them head to Lann Tren's homeworld. Hux won't like it, but he'll deal with that as it comes.

He places his elbows on his desk and steeples his fingers. Kylo begins to plan. Her birthday …

* * *

Kylo is back in his quarters. He'd spent the afternoon planning a surprise for Rey, and then worked well into the evening, reviewing reports on First Order expansion. Spending so much time thinking of Rey has significantly buoyed his spirits. And now it is time to write to her. He changes into his sleeping attire and settles into his preferred chair with his datapad.

She's been studying the holocrons, practicing with Kes. He finds he likes the idea of the young women poring over the ancient knowledge. True, Kes is not Force sensitive, but she does have a strong mind and has proven herself to be a loyal companion for his beloved.

 _I'm pleased that you are enjoying the holocrons. I'm certain that you and Kes are making good progress with lightsaber forms. I hope that you will show me one day. We are presently en route to Eshara. I do not wish to press you to see me; however, I know that you find life on a ship difficult. Would you consider allowing me to escort you to the surface once I have attended to official matters?_

 _I think of you every moment of every day, Rey._

He sends his message and leans his head against the back of his chair. He closes his eyes and imagines Rey. Maker, he misses her. He's only strayed to her door once and caught himself quickly. He hopes she hadn't felt him, he truly does not wish to cross any more lines.

He's still horrified by his actions and they prick at his conscience. He'd tried to tell himself that he didn't do anything all that wrong by taking Kes's memories; she is of the First Order after all. But he knows it's a lie and he's stopped even attempting to soothe himself in that way.

All he can do is channel his shame into comporting himself as Rey deserves, by letting her be and waiting. It hurts, oh it hurts, but the pain is welcome, in a way. He deserves to long for her, just as he knows he does not deserve to touch her. But he will. Once she allows it, he will touch every inch, claim every part of her with his lips and his hands.

The ambivalence he felt at learning that she thinks she could love him the way that he had is receding. In its place is a beautiful, fragile, _tremulous_ hope. The idea that she might look at him with those perfect eyes full of love, for _him_ … well, it's intoxicating.

He conjures the image of her face, flush with desire, her lips red and plump from his kisses. Her eyes had been liquid with heat and he remembers how she had gasped as he sucked against the delicate skin of her throat. Her little moans and mewls of pleasure had inflamed him like no other sound could.

He feels himself respond to his fantasies, and how he wants to give in. But she's just down the hall. That thought both excites him and keeps him in check. She's so close. She might even already be in her nightgown. Has she found his favorite yet? It's sheer and a midnight blue. He can almost see her pert breasts straining against the material and now he's aching with need. He imagines her pink nipples showing through the thin fabric. How long before he will again run his hands along her supple skin? How long before she allows him to take those exquisite breasts into his hungry mouth?

He's stroking himself through his sleeping pants before he really thinks of it. He should stop―what if she peaked through the Bond, right now, and sees how he's pleasuring himself? The thought _should_ shame him, but instead he quickens his movements. It's deliciously erotic to think of Rey sensing him, _joining_ him.

It's been such a long time, and it's growing more difficult to fight how he reacts to her nearness. He wants to wait, but it feels so good and Force, he needs her … Oh Rey … Then, out of the corner of his eye he sees the alert. She's already written back? The reality of her closeness crashes into his fantasy and he feels caught like an adolescent. He snatches his hand away from his erection and he senses heat rise in his cheeks.

He steadies his erratic breathing and opens her message.

 _I would like to feel the sun on my face and the sand under my feet. Would it be alright if Kes came with us? She told me she's never been outside without her helmet._

 _It will be nice to see you._

The reminder of Kes changes his mood rapidly, but Rey has agreed to see him! She even sounds like she truly wants to spend time with him. He wishes she had not asked to bring Kes. The stormtrooper will fear him, and he'll have to face his guilt while he'd much prefer to focus on Rey.

However, it is a small way he may begin to address the profound wrong he has done this brave woman who cares for his love. Rey won't want the stormtrooper to wear her armor, so Kes will need suitable clothing, meant for her taller frame. He will make arrangements in the morning.

He wonders … If he wrote back tonight, might she gift him with another message before she goes to sleep?

 _Then you shall walk through the desert with Kes at your side. And myself, if you will permit me. I will ensure she has appropriate attire. She should know what it is to feel the wind in her hair._

 _I will count every minute until I see you again. You must know how I've missed you. I love you so very much._

Before he can second guess himself, he sends his words. He hopes he's not been too bold. Suddenly he wants to call his message back, but it's too late. Now he's filled with anxiety. He's been so _careful_ not to push, but she's going to let him _see_ her, she'd asked him to do something for her, she's letting him back _in_. The words had just tumbled from his fingers.

He'd promised himself he wouldn't push. He's not precisely sure if he has. But he plans on accepting each invitation as it comes. He won't assume a single day in her company means her door is open to him. Rey will set the pace; he will allow her to come to him.

Kylo waits for her response. He tries to research Eshara, but he keeps checking what must be every few seconds, not able to concentrate. Finally, he accepts she won't write back tonight. He's frightened her away. He never should have told her how much he misses her, how much he loves her. Why can he never control himself?

He falls into a fitful sleep, angry and ashamed.

* * *

"Maker, Kylo, what the hell has gotten into you? I was never as strong as you, even before the Bond made you freakishly strong with the Force!" Vitok grumbles, rubbing her shoulder where Kylo had Force pushed her into the wall.

"Sorry. I'll pay more attention."

"No, seriously, what's wrong? You've been angrier than a bantha with a knot in its tail all morning."

Kylo sighs and runs his hand through his hair. "I pushed too far with Rey when I wrote her last night. For the last five mornings there has been a message from her. She wrote me _twice_ yesterday. But there was nothing this morning."

"What did you say?"

"We were planning a trip to Eshara, I told her how much I miss her … that I love her. I guess that was too far. We arrive tomorrow and I'm terrified she no longer wishes to go."

"Perhaps she's just nervous."

"Maybe. I've arranged for Kes to accompany us, and clothes are being delivered to Rey's quarters for her today, actually."

"I'm sure that will prompt her to write. It's not even midday yet. Don't worry so much."

"I can't help it," he says forlornly. He looks at the ceiling of the training room then shakes his head. "Let's keep training."

"Are you sure?"

Kylo nods firmly. "Yes. It helps."

"Alright. Just watch it this time," Vitok says with a friendly glare.

* * *

There's been nothing while he and Vitok trained. He'd forgotten his gloves in his rooms, so he's on his way back to his quarters. He comes around the corner and freezes. _Rey_ is coming the other direction. She's looking down, she's not seen him. He can't breathe; he hasn't seen her in _days_. She's wearing the gray dress with the leaves patterned across the material and her hair is gathered high on her crown.

He drinks in the sight of her before remembering himself. He should turn and walk the other direction. He doesn't want to pressure her. Too late, she's seen him.

Her eyes widen and he can't read her expression. He says nothing, wanting to give her the option to simply go into her quarters. So he stands, watching her. The ribbon is around her neck. As far as he knows, she never takes it off.

He doesn't quite understand why it means so much to her―surely it must make her remember a night spent in conflict. He still doesn't know how to feel about how she'd assumed he was trying to bribe her, _buy_ her.

Rey blinks and neither of them move. He refuses to speak; this is up to her. So he stands, waiting. Finally she starts to walk towards him stiltedly. She seems almost reluctant and it hurts. He doesn't want her to come to him out of obligation, coincidence.

When she's a few feet away she stops and looks up at him. Belatedly he realizes he's wearing his helmet and he swiftly pulls it from his face. The smallest of smiles hints at her lips.

"Hi," she says softly.

"Hello, Rey."

"I'm sorry I haven't written back yet. I didn't know what to say."

He swallows. "Why not?"

"Because … nothing sounded right." He's pulled into her orbit and his hands twitch with the need to reach for her. But he doesn't; he never wants to take anything else without her agreement.

"I didn't … I didn't overstep?" Perhaps she had been nervous, just as Vitok said.

Another slight smile pulls at her mouth. "No, but it's awfully sweet that you worried about that. I have noticed that you've done everything I asked. I really am grateful."

"Then it's alright, us speaking like this?" he asks fearfully.

"Yes. It just happened. Why are you here right now, anyway? Aren't you usually on the bridge at this hour?"

"I was training with Vitok, I forgot my gloves. What were you … ah, may I ask what brought you from your rooms? I didn't realize you wandered without Kes."

Rey tenses. "I don't need a chaperone."

"That's not what I meant! I was … I was only curious," he says, his shoulders sagging slightly. He never says the right thing―never.

"Oh. Sorry. I was just taking a walk. I've been doing that, picking a new deck and walking. You really didn't know?" She tilts her head and peers up at him.

"No … I've not been following your movements. The last time I knew anything of where you've been was when you called for me six days ago." Giving her time has become his only way to atone; it an act of contrition, devotion.

She looks away briefly. "I hope … I hope it wasn't confusing, that I reached out to you like that then kept to myself."

It had actually been a relief to have the time to get himself in order, but he can't tell her that, not without explaining _why_. Somehow, controlling himself has allowed him to feel that in some small way he's apologizing, punishing himself with the pain of her absence.

"No. I asked you not to see me until you were ready. I meant that. I know that helping Kes entitled me to nothing."

Again she smiles and Force, she's so lovely. "Thank you."

"You already thanked me for my assistance, which was unnecessary. I will always do anything I can for you simply because I lo- … because," he finishes awkwardly. She said he'd not overstepped, but he's feeling unmoored. He doesn't know the new rules. Somehow it all feels different.

"I wasn't just thanking you for that. I was thanking you for … well, _everything_. For giving me space, for using Kes's name instead of that horrid string of letters and numbers, for agreeing to take her with us … All of it. I feel like … I feel like you're finally listening to me."

There's a stab of sharp cold in his chest. She's giving him credit he does _not_ deserve. He'd not listened to her―he'd felt so guilty that he'd stayed away as penance, out of fear. Not because he really understands her desire to be away from him. But perhaps he can try, now, to truly listen. He will ask Vitok to help him.

He clears his throat nervously. "What did you mean, before? That nothing sounded right when you tried to write back?"

"Oh. I meant that … I meant that you'd been so … candid, that everything I could think to say felt … inadequate. I guess … I … I've missed you, too." She's missed him? She seems vaguely embarrassed and he realizes her earlier demeanor had been because she was _shy_.

He finds his heart racing and somehow he's drawn quite close. He reaches out a trembling hand, wanting so badly to touch her.

"Oh, Rey," he says as he remembers himself and his hand drops.

"No, it's alright." She takes his hand in hers. She holds his eyes and he's lost in the myriad of greens and browns he finds. Her features are so delicate, her skin so fine. He's not sure how a life of hardship could have produced such a winsome creature, but she is absolute perfection.

"I've missed you so much," he chokes out, his control falling away. He just wants to fall to his knees and beg her forgiveness, promise anything so long as she won't shut him out again.

"I know," she murmurs. "I've wanted to see you, too."

"You have?" he asks in surprise.

"Of course I have. I've told you, I … care for you. It was always hard to keep the Bond closed. It still is," she says, glancing away.

"I …"

She steps closer, their hands clasped. "I've had an idea. Something that might make this easier on both of us."

"Yes?"

"I get overwhelmed by you. Just this, in the hallway, I can't think straight. I don't want to lose myself."

Lose herself? He would never want that. She is Rey―fiery, passionate, perfect Rey. "The last thing I want is for you to be anything other than exactly who you are."

"You mean that, don't you?"

"I do."

She smiles, her head ducking. "After all, you do always tell me the truth."

He's not sure anything has ever been more difficult than keeping his expression neutral, and not confessing his crimes is _agony_. But he manages.

"What was your idea?" he asks, wanting to move quickly from the subject of _honesty_.

"I know that it was the question of when you would see me that makes this so hard on you, but I'm not ready to see you every day. So I thought, after Eshara, we could have dinner once a week? I don't like being apart, but I also don't know how to be with you. Seeing you every night was too much. It was going too fast. What do you think?" she asks nervously.

At first he doesn't like it at _all_. A handful of hours to last him days? Perhaps she might consider two evenings a week? No, no, he won't press. He will take what she gives. Besides, this way he will be able to see her, regularly. Now it will be possible for him to ask her to dine with him on her birthday. He'd been afraid that all he would be permitted to do was give her her gift. Or gifts. He hasn't decided.

He squeezes her hand and makes sure that she's looking at him before speaking. "I think that would be wonderful."

"Really? You'll accept that?" she asks skeptically.

"I want to be with you however you will permit me to be."

A slow smile spreads across her face. "I'm glad we ran into each other."

"As am I." He strokes his thumb across her wrist. The Bond hums happily and the bands around his heart start to lessen.

"You said that you would make sure Kes has clothes for Eshara?"

"Yes, they are being delivered today. There wasn't time for anything other than standard issue officer's attire. I could … I could arrange for a proper wardrobe for her. If you would like."

Her eyes widen. "Really?"

"Would it please you?"

"It would please Kes."

"Which would please you."

"Yes … yes it would. She won't get in trouble?"

"No, I've issued standing orders that Kes be allowed out of uniform whenever she wishes. I also took the liberty of informing the ship not to question you or hinder your movements."

"You did?"

"I did not want a repeat of the events in the corridor."

"That was … that was kind of you."

"I only want to make you happy."

"I know." She shifts their hands and laces her fingers with his. There is an intimacy to the gesture that makes his breath hitch.

He realizes they've been simply standing in the hallway for quite some time, but he doesn't want to let her go. "We will arrive at Eshara tomorrow. I have First Order matters I must attend to, but the following day we will go to the surface." He'd much prefer to take her tomorrow, but he wants to ensure the situation is well in hand. The Supreme Leader's companion would be all too tempting a target. He wishes she would let him train her, if only so that she could better defend herself.

The warmth that's infused the energy around them dims. "What is it, Rey?"

"What sort of First Order matters?" Her eyes narrow.

"There is … unrest. It is an official visit, ensuring that the Supreme Leader is seen."

"What kind of _unrest_?"

"Those loyal to the deposed ruling class are advocating their return. It's quite tiresome."

"But if that's who they want to lead, then why not let them?"

"Because said rulers lived off the backs of the poor. The main industry on Eshara was the manufacturing of household items, and the majority of the population was forced to work grueling hours while a small minority lived in opulence. It was obscene. I intend to meet with the magistrate and tour the main city, make it clear that the First Order is always watching."

Rey worries her lip between her teeth and her brow is furrowed. He hopes that his explanation has mollified her, but he can only see turbulence in her eyes. "You won't hurt anyone, will you?"

"Not unless there is cause." His hope is that a show of force will quiet the masses.

"Cause?" She pulls her hand from his grasp. He clenches his fist to keep from grabbing it back.

"If we find that a true rebellion is brewing, steps must be taken," he says evenly.

"What sort of _steps_?"

"Rey …"

"What sort of steps?" she asks heatedly.

He sighs. She won't like this, nor will she understand. "Generally, the leaders would be located and executed, along with any of their close associates."

Horror fills her face. "Why must you be so brutal?"

"It is necessary to maintain order."

"No! There has to be another way!" she exclaims.

"I know you don't like it, but Eshara was rife with corruption. I won't allow a return to that sort of lawlessness. People were _suffering_."

"Then why do they want to return to that?"

"The majority likely doesn't, but it is very difficult to subjugate those who once knew what it was to rule unquestioned," he explains.

"Listen to yourself! Subjugate!"

He purses his lips. "That was a poor choice of words. I simply mean that when certain elements are entrenched, they don't give up easily. Sweetheart, please, this is necessary."

"I know what sorts of things you think are _necessary_ ," she spits. "Never mind. I don't want to go any longer."

"What? No! Please. You can't … please." He's been doing so well, but if she pushes him away again he's not sure what will happen. What he'll _do_.

She steps back but doesn't turn from him. She keeps her face down. He wants to growl in frustration. Instead he places his helmet on the floor and approaches her slowly. Gently he lifts her chin so that she is looking at him.

"Rey, please. I'm doing everything I can. Don't pull away from me again."

Her lower lip quivers and her eyes plead with him. "I don't want to visit a world where you've murdered people," she whispers.

"There's no reason to think that would happen," he says gently. Maker, he hopes the unrest on Eshara is minor.

"You'd still do it." Now she won't meet his eyes.

He traces her cheek with his fingertips. "Rey," he murmurs. She stubbornly keeps her gaze from his.

"Rey …" He brings his other hand to her face. Finally she grants him her eyes. They're wary and conflicted.

"What if I promise that no one will die, regardless of what we find?" He supposes exile will achieve the same ends, removing the problematic element.

She places her hands over his. "Promise me that no one will be hurt and I'll go."

That will be quite difficult to manage if there is any sort of real conflict. The troops have _not_ been trained to minimize injury. But if that is what it will take, he will ensure that none are harmed unless it is truly unavoidable. Captain Phasma always follows her orders to the letter.

"Alright. I promise that no one will be hurt, unless it is in self-defense." If he is lucky, there is nothing too serious transpiring on Eshara.

Her fingers press against the back of his hands. He wants to focus on her touch, but convincing her to accept his concession is much more important.

"I promise. I _promise_ ," he entreats. He wills her to understand she can trust him. He will never go back on his word again.

Somehow, she's heard just how deeply he means his words, because she's nodding slightly. "Okay." She takes in a shuddering breath. "Okay."

He doesn't want to take the chance that she changes her mind, so he decides to leave her to her thoughts. "Thank you. I will collect you the day after tomorrow, in the morning. Kes will be released from her duties for the day." He reluctantly draws his hands from her soft skin and steps back. Is that disappointment lingering in her eyes?

"Will the knights be coming?" she asks, her tone strangely measured.

"No, I had not thought you would … appreciate that."

"I don't mind most of them, but I don't particularly want to see Wylan."

"No, he will most certainly _not_ be accompanying us." His contemptuous tone leaves no doubt as to his feelings about _Wylan Ren_. Wylan will never lay eyes on her again if he can help it.

"Good." She nods her head once, firmly. It's rather rewarding to see how much she dislikes Wylan.

"Then, if there is nothing else, I shall leave you to your day." He is about to turn towards his rooms when she grasps his arm.

"Wait!" she says hurriedly.

"Yes?"

"I … you just … I want …" He's surprised as he watches a deep blush flush across her skin.

"What is it?" he asks, growing concerned.

"I just … I haven't seen you in so long, I thought … don't you want …" She's very flustered and he's quite confused. He wants to soothe her, but he doesn't know what's wrong.

He's not sure if he should reach for her, comfort her, but her distress makes the decision for him and he's pulling her into his arms. She positively melts into him.

"I wasn't ready to be parted, at least not without … this." Her words are muffled by his clothing.

He's sure she can feel his heart hammer beneath his ribs. She's told him she feels the pull, too, but somehow he's never been able to believe she struggles as he does. Clearly she must be affected, as she's almost burrowing into his embrace and the Bond weaves around them.

"I did not want to presume." His voice quavers. This is so much more than he'd dared wish for. She _wants_ to be in his arms.

"I think, maybe you can presume. I … I've never felt anything like how it feels when we touch."

"No, nor have I. Please know that the only thing that kept me from gathering you to me was the fear you would not welcome that," he says into her hair. He'd thought she would make him wait for days, maybe weeks, before she would again want to be close in this way. He certainly deserves his exile.

She draws even closer to him, and then she reaches up and pulls his face to hers. He's not quite caught up when she's kissing him and oh it is _glorious_. Her lips are soft and he gasps as she is the one to press her tongue into his mouth. She tastes of fruit, and he smiles through their kisses. He pulls her flush against him. She lets out a little squeak of surprise and he chuckles darkly.

Her hands are in his hair and he doesn't even try to suppress the moan her touch evokes. Her fingers run along his scalp, gently pulling at his locks. Oh, stars, he wants to lift her in his arms and take her to her rooms, lay her down and finally feel their skin pressed together.

He could kiss her for hours, days. She fits so perfectly against him and his whole body is thrumming with heat. Oh, Rey _. I love you, I love you, I love you._

He must slow down the tempest threatening to take them both. The tension between them is always so strong; reason leaves once they're caught in the tide. She's beginning to writhe against him and it would be so _easy_ to take advantage. But she would never forgive him if he took her in the corridor. He would never forgive _himself_.

He gentles his kisses, slowing the fervent movement of his lips until he pulls back, giving her one last caress as he presses her head against his chest. He's breathing quickly and her quiet pants do nothing for his control.

"I don't know what came over me … I'm sorry," she says shakily.

Swiftly he moves to catch her eyes. "Never apologize for that."

"You must think …" She grimaces in shame.

"I think that this Bond is very powerful."

Her eyes flit away. "Of course. It's just the Bond."

He remembers that she still believes it's the Bond that influences her feelings and he pushes away the cut of her rejection that always stalks him.

He traces her cheek with his fingers and tightens his arm against her back. He holds her eyes intensely. "No … Bond or no, I would still want you like this. My feelings are real― _nothing_ can change them."

She blinks up at him slowly and he thinks he finds hope in her eyes. At least that's what he wishes she's feeling. He wants her to believe in the depth of his devotion. The Bond is only a manifestation of how connected he feels to her, has always felt.

"Rey … the Bond … it simply pulls us together. But I think I would have sought you just as avidly without it. You … you are what I have always needed. Being with you makes everything else meaningless. It's just you, always you."

Her eyes are large and she looks a bit overwhelmed. "I just wish I _knew_ how the Bond affects us. I hate feeling like I'm being controlled."

"I know you do. But, is it so very wrong, what's between us? This," he kisses her softly then draws back to again to seek her eyes, "is precious. _You_ are precious."

She takes a deep breath. "I'm still very confused, but I will keep trying. Keep trying to believe you, to make sense of this."

"That is more than enough." It is everything. As long as she lets him see her, hold her, _kiss_ her, he can wait as long as he must.

Gently, they pull apart. Without discussing it, he walks her to her door.

"I guess I'll see you soon, then," she says.

"Yes," he says lowly. She's so beautiful and he knows he won't struggle so, now that he knows when he will see her.

She's about to close her door when he says, "Rey?"

"Yes?"

"Will you still write to me until then?"

She smiles. "I will."

"Good." He nods. "Good."

* * *

A/N: I may have mentioned my awesome beta, Juulna. Not sure though ... :) Thank you, m'dear, for once again working your magic.

Thank you my wonderful readers. I'm sorry I was rather late responding to reviews last week (and am still catching up), I was at a week long work conference that really cut into my fic time. Thank you all for continuing to read this glacial burn! It's going to start to heat up soon, I promise!


	29. Chapter 29

Kylo wakes, Rey's name on his lips. She'd written him yesterday while he'd been meeting with Captain Phasma, discussing alternate methods for subduing the populace of Eshara, should it come to that.

It was a short note, telling him that the clothing for Kes had arrived and that she's looking forward to the heat of the desert. He'd wondered if she gets cold on the ship.

He'd written back, asking if she wanted to see a city or one of the smaller provinces. After their meeting in the hall, he's certain there will be a message waiting for him. He's mildly concerned that she's not sleeping regularly. He wakes early each day, goes to bed late, but her missives are always waiting. He hopes she sleeps during the day.

Kylo removes himself from bed and stretches languidly. It's been such a long time since he's slept well, and had managed six uninterrupted hours of sleep. He's almost in a good mood, but he supposes it shouldn't surprise him. He will see his beloved tomorrow.

Just as he'd believed, there is a message.

 _I would like to visit somewhere small. I would like to see vast deserts and talk to people who understand the sands._

 _Thank you for this. I miss you._

He smiles.

* * *

Kylo is in bed after a tedious day on Eshara. He'd been dragged all over the main city, shown many munitions plants, schools, and housing developments, and had met with more officials than he cares to remember.

He'd been assured that the unrest was minor, that it was all _well in hand_. His promise to Rey that none be hurt during his visit had been academic, as nothing untoward had occurred. He'd noticed some anti-First Order graffiti, but that was the extent to the evidence of unrest. When he'd enquired further, he was told that there had been some minor sabotage at a few of the factories. Apparently the prior owners had not accepted the transfer of their property _gracefully_ , but incidents were dwindling. The local government insists they have controlof the situation.

The desert climate of Eshara is ideal for mining saline minerals, necessary for explosives. Most of the factories had been converted to manufacturing weapons, and it is now the primary provider of munitions to the First Order. Though he had been told that the Supreme Leader needn't concern himself with such trivial matters, he had asked Hux to leave a team of intelligence officers to continue the investigation. It wouldn't do for a disruption in their supply chain at this point.

Kylo almost wishes he'd taken Rey with him today, as Eshara is a perfect example of what he's trying to accomplish. The planet had been difficult to subdue initially, many _had_ died, but now there is order. The people work reasonable hours, and have housing and food. The children attend school and it's peaceful.

The once thriving cultural centers had to be eliminated of course. They had resisted strongly. And the local religious sects had fought most vociferously. Though the First Order does not ban religion outright, the populace may not gather in large groups outside of officially sanctioned events. This severely limits the influence of spiritual leaders. Kylo finds religion perplexing, as it's obvious that the Force is the guiding hand of the galaxy.

But now that those elements have been eliminated, things are going smoothly. It's as he had come to believe once free of the cloying denial of his _relatives_. People need a firm hand. Once the undesirable factions are removed, society functions efficiently. There is no need for _democracy_ if you ensure structure and a minimum standard of living.

He wonders what she did with her day. The only thing that had kept him from nodding off during his interminable day was daydreams of Rey. He'd played the memory of her passionate display in the hallway over and over again. She'd missed him so much that she couldn't bear to let him go without kissing him, touching him.

His bed feels large and empty, but he's certain that won't be for much longer. Kylo falls asleep quickly, knowing that in just a few hours he will see _Rey_.

* * *

"Good morning," Kylo says, as he leans against her doorway. His helmet is already in the crook of his elbow with his gloves and a package tucked inside. He's somewhat nervous about his offerings. He'd wanted to give Rey something and had decided he should include Kes as well. But now he wonders if he should have asked Vitok first.

Rey is in a light tunic and loose trousers, her customary three buns having returned. He's come to prefer she wear her silken hair up, as he finds he likes being the only one to see how it spills around her shoulders. She almost looks like she had the first time he'd seen her, and his lips twitch into a small smile at the memory. Yes, they had been playing at being enemies then, but she had been incandescent in her ferocity.

Rey smiles warmly and her eyes sparkle. Her open energy is almost more than he'd ever thought she would give him. For months he had sought her, and yet he'd never truly allowed himself to imagine the gentle pleasure of the easy quirk of her lips.

"I'm glad you're here," she says sincerely.

He raises an eyebrow. "Are you now?" he teases lightly. He's not quite sure how, but their conversation in the hallway has changed things. He feels welcome, as if she'd anticipated his arrival.

"You know I am," she says as she opens the Bond slightly, letting him feel her excitement and affection. His eyes widen in surprise and, before he considers his actions, he pulls her to him, kissing her firmly. He feels a spike of her pleasure through their connection and he deepens the kiss. The aching, hollow feeling that plagues him when he's away from her fades as he luxuriates in the waves of feelings she's allowing him to feel. The sensation of their mouths moving together tingles along his spine, infusing his whole body. He wonders if he will ever get enough of the feeling of pressing his lips against hers. There's something profound in knowing this is only for Rey.

Then he hears a sharp intake of breath and he realizes Kes is already within Rey's rooms. He steps back quickly and his cheeks heat. He's not ashamed of showing Rey how he feels physically, not precisely, but he had thought they were alone.

Rey grins at his embarrassment and pulls him inside as she again closes the Bond. He keeps his disappointment from his face and wonders if she will ever allow it to simply stream between them as it was surely meant to.

Kes stands stiffly in plain black attire, standard officers' clothing without the insignia. Her short, dark hair is neat and her pale green eyes are afraid. His mood sinks as he remembers how she had cowered in front of him, radiating betrayal.

He had planned on going back into her mind to address her fear of him, but the more he had thought on it, the less he could justify invading her consciousness for a third time. He will need to gain her trust through action, instead.

"Kes." He nods his head towards her.

"Supreme Leader," she responds warily.

He frowns slightly. He really shouldn't encourage informality with a stormtrooper, but it feels strange for Rey's friend to use his title. But it would be _beyond_ inappropriate for him to invite her to call him Kylo, so he doesn't remark upon it.

"Rey tells me this will be your first trip to a world out of your armor." Kylo's tone is amiable.

"Yes, sir," she answers obediently.

"You were never outside, even during your childhood?" The thought of never knowing the simple pleasures of nature ... upsets him.

"I was trained on ships. I have only been to planets on missions."

He hadn't ever considered the impact of the stormtrooper program on things such as being _outside_. He needs to think on this further.

Rey comes up beside him and slips her hand around his arm, as is her habit. He feels every single point where her fingers press into him, his entire focus reduced to her proximity. He turns his head to look at her, needing to see her face. The days apart have left him desperately hungry for _everything_ , her touch, her voice, _her_. The knowledge that he's going to be able to feel her next to him _all day_ fills him with happiness. She's letting him back _in_ , she truly _is_ trying. Everything will come together. She will accept her new life, accept _him_. He just knows it.

He doesn't wish to untangle himself from her. There's something about the solidity of her form, the acceptance in her touch, that soothes somewhere deep inside. It's as if she flows through him, dulling his sharp edges that cut and carve, grind and sunder. However, he needs both his hands to give them their gifts, so he must pull from her. Regretfully, he moves to his table, depositing his helmet and gloves. He withdraws the package and returns to the women.

Unwrapping the parcel, he pulls out two finely woven scarves. He holds one out to Kes. It is a dark oxblood, with a delicate pattern of filigree in a lighter red.

The stormtrooper stares at it in apprehension, gripped with confusion.

"We are traveling to a fairly remote area of Eshara, the winds can be quite fierce. I thought you would both need protection from the sands. It's alright, Kes," he reassures as he pushes her gift towards her.

Kes continues to stare, but she gingerly takes the scarf from him, simply holding the fabric. She makes no move to put it on.

He has much work to do with Kes.

Though he is nervous, Kylo turns to Rey and unfurls her scarf, securing the packaging into the folds of his clothing. It is a forest green, with ivory and gold scrollwork. He hopes the rich silk will both protect her and whisper against her face. He wants it to remind her of his fingers on her skin. He'd selected this particular scarf because it would bring out her lively eyes, the green and gold echoing the flecks in their hazel depths.

Consciously steadying his hands, he settles the scarf around her head, wrapping it gently about her shoulders. He tucks an escaped curl behind the cloth.

"There. Beautiful," he pronounces. He skims his hands along her arms, needing to touch her. She _had_ told him that he could presume.

"It is, thank you." She reaches up and strokes the fabric, smiling at the texture. She's an oddly tactile thing, he's noticed how she's always running her fingertips along her surroundings.

"I was not referring to the scarf," he says meaningfully, looking into her enchanting eyes.

"Oh." She smiles shyly and briefly looks away. Kylo is exceptionally aware of Kes's presence, keeping him from properly _showing_ Rey how exquisite she is to him.

Forcing himself to calm, he steps back. He still wishes that he had Rey all to himself, but he won't waste this opportunity to mend things with Kes. He looks at his companions for the day and asks, "Are you ready to leave, then?"

Kes blinks quickly and looks to Rey swiftly. She's awkward and skittish and Rey drops his arm, going to her friend.

"What is it?" Rey asks.

"N-nothing," Kes stutters out.

Rey tilts her head, then grabs Kes's hand and drags her to her bedroom.

Kylo stands in her sitting room, trying to understand what had just transpired. Is Kes so afraid that she cannot bear to be near him? The thought that he'd traumatized her so completely stabs him with his now very familiar guilt. He's able to keep it to the edges, Rey's open attitude allowing him to push it aside, but it's always there, a hairshirt that will not allow him to forget his trespasses.

He taps his fingers against his thigh, growing impatient. He just wants to be in her presence; he doesn't want to lose these precious moments.

Finally, they return. Kes is now wearing her scarf and she seems less frightened. She still looks at him with suspicion, but she is standing straighter.

"We're ready," Rey announces.

He goes to his table, about to gather his helmet, when he hears a huff of breath.

He turns his head to Rey and finds her with her hands on her hips.

"Really?" Her tone is incredulous.

"Rey ... I will remove it once we reach my shuttle."

"I hate it," she spits.

"I know, but I have conceded this point to you on _numerous_ occasions. It's only for the walk to the hangar." He does _not_ like arguing with her in front of Kes. He doesn't like arguing with her at all.

"But they've already seen you!"

"A relatively small number have seen me. Please, sweetheart, I will remove it very soon."

She glowers. "Fine."

Kes looks back and forth between the pair and shifts uncomfortably.

He's frustrated and upset. He doesn't want the day to begin this way. Why must she insist that he go maskless when with her? Could seeing his face truly be so important to her?

"I don't wish to anger you. If it matters so much to you, then I won't wear it until we return."

"Really?" Her entire countenance changes in an instant and she embraces him swiftly, holding him tight.

He manages to choke back the groan the feel of her wrapped around him elicits. She just feels so damned _good_. While he'd like nothing more than to draw her even closer, he keeps himself from being pulled under. But he _does_ want to know more about her issues with his mask.

"Why does it bother you so?" he whispers in her ear.

She pulls him down so that she may murmur, "Because it forces me to remember what you're capable of."

He blinks, surprised that her admission cuts into him. He _knows_ he's had to do awful things in order to fulfill his legacy, and most of the time he finds a way to make peace with his actions. But he'd hoped that he'd made some headway with her by helping her to see why his actions are necessary.

He tightens his arms around her for a moment, dispelling the tension with the warm hum of the Bond. She makes a small sound of contentment and kneads her hands into his surcoat. He'd like to spend the day just like this, but that is not on the agenda.

They pull apart and Rey takes his arm.

* * *

A large village comes into view as his shuttle descends on Eshara. It is far from the population centers and the only real First Order influence is the school and small government center. They have eliminated the village elder structure, replacing it with a garrison of stormtroopers and two officers. The region is dedicated to mining.

The only real resistance they had found was in subverting the village elders. It had been difficult to shift allegiances. However, once the more advanced mining technology had been introduced, significantly increasing worker safety, tensions lessened. That, and the removal of the key leaders. Kylo had no idea of any of this until preparing for this trip, but it was all within First Order policy and the logic was sound. Once a few examples had been made, people did what they were told.

He's mildly uncomfortable with the public executions, however, as he knows Rey won't like it. He won't hide the truth from her. If it comes up today, he will talk with her, help her to understand. He's not going to volunteer it, however.

The shuttle lands smoothly and he confers with the pilots, indicating that they are to remain with the ship.

The ramp descends and Rey is at his side, Kes following a few paces behind.

As they walk into the sun, Rey pulls from him and runs out into the open air. She throws her arms wide and turns her face to the sky.

"I never thought I would miss Jakku!" she exclaims brightly. Then she crouches down and digs her hands into the sands. "It's so warm!"

Oh, his beloved. His chest is bursting with affection for this burn bright thing that has utterly captured him. Her face is open with joy and he finds himself grinning. When has he ever _grinned_?

Then he notices Kes. She is standing to the side, her scarf pulled back. The wind is rifling through her hair and she seems almost frozen in place.

"Rey," he says to get her attention.

Rey looks up. "Yes?"

He gestures over to Kes with his head and Rey scrambles to her feet, going to her friend. He keeps away, but he watches. Rey puts her hands on her friend's shoulders and Kes's eyes are unfocused. They speak, and then Rey is wrapping her arms around Kes. After a long moment, Rey steps back and says something else. Then she's walking back to him.

"Is she alright?" Kylo asks.

Rey narrows her eyes. "I thought stormtroopers weren't _people_."

He purses his lips. They hadn't been, but now … well … this is _Kes_. "Kes is … different," he finally offers.

"No, she's not. But I'll take what I can get."

"What's wrong?" he tries again.

"It's just too much. The wind, the sun, you giving her a gift. Which she likes very much, by the way. She's never had something of her own before. She doesn't know how to interpret any of it, and she doesn't know how to handle it. She wanted to go back to the shuttle, but I've convinced her to stay."

"What can I do?" he asks with concern.

Rey looks at him sharply. "Do you mean that?"

"Of course I do." If it will please Rey, he will do anything.

"Well … she feels guilty."

"Why?" As far as he can tell, Kes is an exemplary stormtrooper, speaking to Rey her only questionable action. And even that he can't truly fault, as it's brought only happiness to his love.

"Because the other stormtroopers don't get this, you see? They don't get to have a day on a planet with no orders, no _duties_."

"Why do they care?" Stormtroopers shouldn't be concerned with such things.

"She's getting special treatment. She's already been having some trouble with her reduced schedule. They don't say anything of course, that's not _allowed_. But she senses it. She says they're colder to her, they won't sit with her at meal times, that sort of thing. I've told her that she doesn't need to keep spending time with me, but she says that she wants to. I don't want to tell her what to do."

He wonders … The officers receive shore leave. Would it be so bad if stormtroopers did, too? He'll need to discuss it with Hux … perhaps even Vitok, but he doesn't like that the simple act of being outside without her armor has affected Kes so.

"I have some ideas. I will need to look into the feasibility of it, but perhaps we can relax some of the regulations on the stormtroopers. After …" He takes in a deep breath before continuing, " _Finn_ defected, we have been stringent with the troopers. Perhaps … perhaps we might try a different approach."

"Would you? Would you really?" she asks, her eyes gleaming with hope.

"I will look into it. I admit … I was surprised to hear that Kes has not felt the sun on her face before today. You've … you've made me think on things in a different way. Let us leave it at that and enjoy our day?"

She positively beams up at him and he thinks maybe he's finally figuring out how to speak with Rey.

* * *

They're making their way to the village center, just the three of them. The streets are narrow, the buildings low and the faded color of sand. It reminds him a bit of Tatooine. Hux had fought him, loudly, on the subject of sending stormtroopers with them, but Kylo had, rather patiently, he thought, explained that he was perfectly capable of ensuring their safety. He had rocked an entire Star Destroyer, after all. Hux had then smugly noted that he himself had dropped him with a blaster. Kylo's fingers had flexed to Force choke him, but he had controlled himself. He'd pointed out that he was not likely to be so _distracted_ on Eshara. The frustrating man had finally relented.

Thus they are alone, and Kylo finds he likes the anonymity of it. Without his mask, he is simply a tall human male.

He sees the First Order school, standing out from the warn buildings. It gleams in the sun, its lines in sharp contrast to the wind-softened edges of the traditional Esharan architecture.

"Rey, I'd like to show you something."

"What is it?"

He stops them, but Rey continues to stand by him, her fingers clutching his arm."There, that building. It's the school that we built. I'd like you to see that not all I am doing is … violent."

Kes has remained a few paces away from the couple, as she has all day. She's mostly just looked around, taking it all in. He's noticed that she frequently touches her face, as if to affirm that the helmet isn't there.

"A school? You actually meant that, when you told me the First Order builds schools?"

He frowns. "Of course I did … I …" He stops himself. He'd been about to tell her that he never lies to her, but that isn't true any longer. "We have found that it is most effective to educate the population. We can ensure that First Order ideals are instilled from the outset."

Her shoulders fall. "Oh. So it's just propaganda."

"No, it is the truth of their world. Besides, reading is reading. Math doesn't care who's in charge." A thought occurs to him. "Who taught you to read?"

Her brow draws together in puzzlement. "I taught myself of course."

This perplexes him. Without some form of instruction, how would she even get started? "Yes, but _how_?"

"I traded a month's worth of portions for a set of holovids when I was 10." Her eyes grow haunted for a moment before she blinks, dispelling her distress.

"Rey? What's wrong?" He shifts them so that they're facing each other, but she keeps her gaze downward. However, she doesn't stop him when he tangles his fingers with hers. He'd not worn his gloves; he hopes the feel of their skin together comforts her as it does him.

"Nothing." Her voice is quiet.

"I saw ... your expression… please, please don't hide from me."

She looks up at him. "You really do want to know, don't you?"

"I want to know anything you wish to share. I've told you, I want to know all of you." He draws his thumb across her palm. He's growing used to her allowing him to casually touch her, but he knows he will never take it for granted.

She nods slightly. "It was difficult, that time. I thought I'd made a good choice; I'd been lucky. I thought it would be okay to trade the portions. But … there was a storm, like the one I showed you. I couldn't scavenge for over a week. It was … bad." She's pulling into herself again and he just wants to coax her back.

"I _hate_ what your life was. I want so much to heal what that time did to you," he says with a low, intense voice.

She shrugs. "It was what it was. It made me who I am."

"And who you are is incomparable."

Rey rolls her eyes. "I'm nobody."

Her insistence that she has so little value scrapes along his ribs. "Oh Rey … someday I will see the day where you understand how amazing you are. You … there is no one in the galaxy like you."

She gets that expression that he thinks means she wants to believe him. Her eyes are wide and her lips parted slightly. He lifts the hand not holding hers and lightly traces the freckles along her cheek. Her soft pink lips call to him and he desperately wants to devour her, but they're out in the open with Kes standing only a few paces away. His body doesn't care, however, betraying his attempts at control.

Her breathing is shallow and she's blinking slowly. He's beginning to drift, consumed by the pull to Rey. They're drawing closer as he continues to glide his fingers across her face. There is a tantalizing energy building beneath his fingers but then she shakes herself and points to the school. "Is that what you wanted to show us?"

He drops his hand from her face, trying to find his composure again. Finally he says, "Yes. That's a First Order school. Come, let us explore." He again tucks her small hand into the crook of his elbow. He gives it a little squeeze and smiles as she presses her fingers into his arm.

They go to the entryway and find a small human woman coming from a classroom. She stiffens when she sees them.

"I am the Su-" he begins, but Rey stops him.

"We're here from the, uhm … the First Order. We'd like to see the school. But only if that's convenient for you," Rey says.

The teacher's eyes go wide. "You're from the First Order?" she asks with caution.

Rey's eyes flit to his. He nods to her. This will go as Rey wills; she doesn't seem to want to reveal his position.

"Yes, but we're just visiting, nothing official." Rey reassures the wary woman.

"It would be my honor to show our school to representatives of the First Order," the teacher says formally.

Rey frowns. "What has it been like, since they … uh, _we_ took over?"

"The First Order is generous. They have provided us with this school and we no longer have lean times. The people are fed. The mines are safer. The First Order cares for its people." Her words are mechanical, clearly not her own.

Rey looks troubled. "Perhaps you would allow us a tour? We would like to see the school."

The teacher's posture is unyielding and her eyes guarded. "It's their mid-day meal break—the children are playing, so we won't disrupt lessons. Come this way."

They are led into the building. It's efficient, with three classrooms. The walls flicker with holos of the First Order, reminding the students that they are always watching, that the First Order _provides_ for the people.

Rey watches the images, her brow furrowed, and he wonders what she's thinking. Kes lingers at the edges, not really engaging. She's only spoken to Rey since they arrived on Eshara.

They're brought to a sizable yard with a climbing structure. About three dozen children are laughing and playing. Rey immediately goes up to a group of girls playing chartok and Kylo and Kes follow. Rey watches as the children hop through the shifting pattern displayed on the duracrete. The largest of the three children has just picked up the stone and is jumping her way back.

Rey watches for a while, clearly trying to learn the rules. At first the children are shy, but Rey cheers them on as the patterns grow more complex and they start to smile at her. Kes continues her silent vigil and the teacher hovers protectively.

The smallest girl almost misses the last square, but catches herself just in time, winning the match. Rey jumps up and down in joy for the little one.

The small girl walks up to Rey. "Hi. I'm Freya."

The teacher frowns and Kylo thinks he may need to have a conversation with her. Rey is enjoying this immensely and he won't have that spoiled by a paranoid bureaucrat.

"Hello Freya. I'm Rey. You're very good at this game."

"I'm the best in the whole school!" she says proudly.

"Well then, you're the one who should teach us the rules!" Rey says excitedly.

Play? Certainly not. There is nothing that could possibly entice him, _Kylo Ren,_ to play _chartok_. Well, perhaps _one_ thing, but he's certain _that_ won't be on offer. Rey goes over to Kes, who is shaking her head emphatically.

"Come on, Kes. Neither of us got to do what kids do. It'll be fun, like when we played with the colored creams and watched holos all afternoon!"

"You do it," Kes says, continuing to shake her head.

"But I want you to do it _with_ me," Rey pleads. Kylo keeps his distance.

"I … it's … I can't." Kes is exuding terror and Kylo is growing alarmed. Is this because of what he did to her?

Then Kes turns and flees from the playground. Rey races after her. Kylo is about to as well when he sees the teacher begin to follow and he smoothly steps in front of her.

"You trust the new visitors," he intones, weaving the Force in his words.

"I trust the new visitors," she says with glassy eyes.

"You will go back to your classroom."

"I will go back to my classroom," she says as she heads in a different direction.

Kylo finds Kes and Rey in a corridor, but he stops, keeping his distance and sensing he should not intrude. Kes is shaking and Rey is holding her. Finally he sees Kes smile softly and the women are returning to the yard. Kylo follows shortly after them.

"Come on, girls, teach us how to play!" Rey exclaims joyfully, already picking up the stone.

Rey does not invite him to join and he's not sure how he feels about that.

He watches while the young women hop and stumble. Rey nearly falls, but Kes catches her and soon they're giggling as if they were school girls. This, _this_ is what his love needs. Simple pleasures. He feels like he's watching her heal right in front of him.

He drifts to the edges of the playground, content to watch how happy Rey is. He's relieved that Kes is finally relaxing.

It occurs to him how much Rey and Kes have in common. Neither knew their parents or experienced a proper childhood. Memories of his own childhood intrude. He shakes his head to clear it of thoughts of what their younger years have done to them all.

* * *

They're sitting in a local cafe, enjoying a meal of flatbread and an array of dips and small pickled vegetables. Rey had needed to spend quite a bit of time convincing Kes to sit with them. He'd been conflicted, wanting to enjoy Rey alone, but not wanting to highlight Kes's status as subordinate to him. She still won't look him in the eyes and starts when he tries to speak with her.

"This is _so_ good," Rey says after taking a huge bite of the soft bread with a spicy bit of squash. "It reminds me of … " she trails off, the light in her eyes dimming.

"What is it Rey?" Kylo asks, disliking the swift change in her mood.

"Just memories. It doesn't matter, it's the past." Rey blinks rapidly then is focused again on her food.

He frowns but he won't press her in front of Kes.

Kylo decides that he will, once again, attempt to reach out to Rey's friend.

"Kes, what do you think of Eshara?"

She had been about to take a sip of her drink but she shakily puts the cup down. "I … I d-don't know."

"Do you like it?" Kylo tries again to engage her.

"Y-yes, sir?" she says as if she's not sure she's allowed to have an opinion.

Kylo sighs. This is going to be much harder than he thought. He's about to turn to Rey when the ground beneath them heaves and they hear a horrible booming sound in the distance. He's instantly on his feet, pulling Rey to his side. The stormtrooper instinctively goes for her blaster, but she is unarmed. Kes moves swiftly in front of Rey, preparing to protect her with her body.

People begin screaming and it's utter chaos as they're pulled along with the crowd out into the streets.

His comm is in his hand and he's barking, "General Hux!"

"Sir, we just picked up a major explosion at the mine near your position."

"I know, send reinforcements _now_."

"Already preparing to depart. Get to your shuttle, sir."

Rey pulls at him frantically, "We have to help!"

Help? Help how? He doesn't want her _anywhere_ near this. Kes is standing firmly in front of Rey, scanning constantly for any threat. Oh, he absolutely has to find some way to make things right with Kes.

"That blast—people must be hurt!" Rey yells.

Rey is right, of course, but they are not his priority. However, he supposes he can do _something_. "Hux, send medical teams as well," Kylo orders as he shuts off his comm.

"Time to get you out of here," he says as he takes her by the arm and begins to drag her towards the shuttle. He knows Kes will keep close.

Rey digs her heels in and rips from his grasp. "No! Not until we know what's happened! It could be an accident! These are your _people_. You have to stay and do what you can, _Supreme Leader_!" Her eyes are smoldering with disappointment and contempt.

"Not until you're safe!" he bellows.

"It's the mine!" he hears a local man say. It ripples throughout the crowd and the panic increases.

Another villager points in the distance and he sees plumes of black smoke curling into the air. It could be an accident, but somehow he highly doubts it.

Rey pulls away from him, moving quickly. She's heading straight towards the danger with Kes right on her heels, calling for her to stop. He could run after her, but he's not willing to keep taking chances. Kylo does something he knows he will pay for later. He reaches out and freezes her with the Force. She is going to be livid, but he really didn't have a choice.

If looks could kill he's quite sure he'd drop dead from the rage in her eyes. He goes to her and gets a firm hand around her upper arm before he releases her. He truly doesn't care that she's angry; he refuses to allow anything to befall her.

"How dare you!" she spits, immediately struggling against his strong grasp.

"I will _not_ have you racing headlong into danger like that!" he roars. Doesn't she understand what it would _do_ to him if he lost her?

"You do _not_ get to choose for me!" she screeches, matching his volume.

"When we may very well be under attack, I _absolutely_ get to choose for you!"

Her eyes narrow. "I can take care of myself!"

"If you'd only let me train you, I would agree with you!" She's his equal in all things, he knows she would be able to handle herself, if she would just let him _teach_ her.

"I won't _ever_ learn the dark side!"

The dark side? He's told her he doesn't want that. This is getting them nowhere.

"There is no time to discuss this as a committee!" Yes, he loves her with the intensity of a thousand suns, but she is the most _infuriating_ woman he has ever met.

"I am not a committee!" She actually stamps her foot.

He sighs heavily and runs his hands through his hair. He decides to change tack. "Just let me get you to the shuttle," he pleads.

She opens her mouth to retort but then he watches as the fire leaves her swiftly. She nods slowly then vigorously. "The shuttle … alright, yes, let's go to the shuttle."

Her quick acquiescence has him on alert, but she's agreed and it's time to go. _Now_.

* * *

The ramp has just closed when Rey rounds on him.

"Take us to the mine," she demands.

"What?" She'd just agreed to … then he realizes. She'd agreed to go the _shuttle_ , not the _Finalizer_.

"Take us to the mine. I can heal people with the Force. Take us there, now," she growls.

"I've already called for reinforcements and medical teams—they will handle it." He tries not to show his frustration. He's given up caring that Kes is seeing all of this.

"You're supposed to be their leader! So _lead_! Take us there right now or I won't speak to you for a month," she threatens.

A month? Would she really keep him out for an entire month? He clenches his jaw, deep in thought. She could get hurt … he won't take the chance. If it's a month, then it's a month. Maker, don't let it be a month.

"No, I won't put you in danger. If that means I have to wait for a month to see you then that is what I will do. We. Are. Leaving."

"Kylo, please! You can protect me, you know you can. Please. Those little girls from the school, their parents work there. Almost all of those children's parents do. If I can save just one life, it's worth it. Please. Please." Her eyes, those blasted _pleading_ eyes are _doing_ something to him.

Her soft begging pulls at him and he shuts his eyes tightly. He feels her arms come up around his shoulders. "Please," she whispers.

When he opens his eyes he finds such desperation in her face. Dammit. He pulls out his comm.

"Hux," he says with defeat.

"Supreme Leader, are you en route?"

"What are the scans showing? Has there been any further activity?"

"No, but the mine is likely a complete loss. The medical teams are just leaving the hangar now. Reports are sketchy, but it does _not_ sound good. However, scans are showing nothing else unusual."

"We are going to the site."

"Sir?"

He looks straight at Rey as he says, "The Supreme Leader should _lead_. We're going to provide what aid we can."

There is a beat of silence. "Very good, sir. I'm sending an extra division of stormtroopers."

"That really isn't necessary."

"It is part of _leading_ , sir."

* * *

A/N: Thank you Juulna, my beloved beta. You always keep me on my toes and ask just the right questions. And always make me giggle at least once with one of your comments. Thank you for being especially speedy on turning this one around, I won't make a habit of getting it to you so late. All hail Empress Juulna!

Thank you splendid readers! I am always exceptionally grateful for the time you give to reading my work. You keep me writing!

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	30. Chapter 30

**A/N: An extra chapter this week in honor of Reylo Week. I know it's not in keeping with the themed days, but I just couldn't get any of my one-shots to cooperate.**

* * *

The shuttle lands as close as they dare. Villagers on speeders are just arriving and the smoke stings his eyes as they walk down the ramp.

"Rey, you will stay _close_ ," he orders firmly, trying to catch her eyes. This entire enterprise has his senses tingling and he wants to drag her back to the _Finalizer_. But she'd brought up her right to _choose_ and the weight of those words will likely always turn the tide.

Rey rolls her eyes and huffs with exasperation. "Nothing is going to happen to me. Look, everyone is trying to get to the injured. No one is going to look at us twice."

The fact that Kes is now armed, having pulled two blasters from the shuttle, mollifies him somewhat. The stormtrooper continues to shadow Rey as she had in the village, training taking over. All of her trepidation left her the moment they'd heard the explosion, and her eyes are alert.

Survivors are staggering from the rubble and Rey immediately ignores his request that she stay near as she darts to help a dazed worker, covered in blood and grime. He swiftly follows and helps Rey, putting the man's arm over his shoulder. They guide him to an area relatively clear of debris where a few of the injured have already begun to gather. Kes takes up a guard position and Kylo stays close to Rey.

"Here, let me see," Rey says to the man.

She checks him over and finds nothing beyond the gash over his eye. The strange blue light of Force healing pools from her fingertips and the bleeding stops. He remembers how she'd healed him when the threat to his life had triggered this increase in her abilities. Her potential is _limitless_. He feels a flair of frustration at her stubborn refusal to train with him. The rescuers and injured watch her work, some furtively and others with open astonishment.

"Stay here, don't move. You're likely in shock so you'll need to wait for the medical teams. They're going to be here soon, I promise," Rey says gently.

A few of the injured who saw Rey healing the man begin to gather. She's inspecting the arm of another worker, bent at an unnatural angle.

Rey doesn't look up from her work as she says, "Kylo, go help them pull out survivors."

He bristles at her easy dismissal. "I'm not leaving you."

"Please, with your powers you can help so many." Now she _is_ looking at him. Those hazel eyes will be the death of him.

Just then there is a horrible screeching sound as a portion of the mining equipment loses its battle with gravity and comes crashing down. A wave of screaming fills the air.

Rey jumps to her feet, about to move to the sound. That is _not_ going to happen. At least hereshe's far from the unstable structures. It would be impossible for him to function if she insists on putting herself even closer to danger. He can tell by the set of her shoulders that she won't stay put unless he acts.

"Stay—I will go," Kylo says resignedly.

"I can help!" she insists.

"Please, _stay_. Your healing will be more helpful here. I need you safe. Do _not_ argue."

She juts out her chin and is about to mount another argument when a woman with a horrific gash along her abdomen is laid in front of Rey. She's moaning and bleeding profusely. Rey's eyes widen and she's on her knees in an instant.

Rey's shoulders droop for a moment. "Go," she tells him, already beginning to heal the mortally wounded worker.

Kylo won't give her a chance to change her mind so he sets off swiftly towards the calls for help. As he moves, he says over his shoulder, "Kes, if she tries to follow, stun her."

"Yes, sir."

The last thing he hears before he's out of earshot is Rey's furious "I heard that!"

As he approaches the twisted pile of metal, he sees that a team of rescuers are pinned beneath the wreckage and a group of survivors is trying, and failing, to get to them. Where the hell are the stormtroopers?

"Everyone, back away," he shouts. A few of the helpers look his direction, but most ignore him, continuing to try and pry the workers free.

"You will all back away," he shouts again, this time with the press of compulsion. The crowd pulls back and he lifts his hands, gathering the Force. Soon, massive beams and destroyed machinery are hovering in the air. He levitates his huge burden away from the injured. The noise of their wails makes him flinch.

The crowd is frozen, slack-jawed in awe.

Kylo huffs in frustration. "Don't just stand there, pull those people to safety!" he barks. The sound of his voice prompts them to act, and soon the injured are being moved away from the shattered equipment.

"Take them to the front of the mine, the medical teams will be arriving soon," Kylo orders and soon the survivors are being carried back to where he left Rey and Kes. The bodies are laid out in rows, and he frowns, realizing there are far more dead than there are living.

He scans the whole mine. The smoke is beginning to clear and he sees the extent of the destruction. At the center there is a crater where he presumes the main building once stood. It's surrounded by several half-standing buildings engulfed in flames. He can feel the heat on his face and he's certain most of the workers must have perished instantly. He turns to make his way back to Rey. Leaving her with only Kes for protection in the middle of all this has him on the edge of panic.

"Sir, sir!" Someone grabs his arm to get his attention.

Kylo whirls and snarls, "Do not touch me!" He regards the badly injured man. Blood is seeping through the clothing on his side and he can't seem to use his left arm.

"I'm sorry! But sir, I saw what you did. My wife, she was in the mines, you must help me! Do what you did, pull away the rubble!" The man's eyes are red and tears streak through the black dirt on his face.

Kylo _needs_ to get back to Rey. He has no idea what had caused the explosion. Was it simply an accident? Though the First Order has significantly improved the safety of the mines, accidents aren't unheard of. But what if this was the work of the dissidents? What if it's just the beginning?

He can barely form the thought of Rey in the vulnerable state of Force healing with only Kes to guard her. Kes is certainly competent, and obviously motivated, but she's still only one person. However, he can only imagine Rey's reaction he arrived with a begging Esharan. He's going to have to help this man rescue his wife. He reminds himself firmly that Rey is a survivor, that she isn't helpless.

"Rey," he calls into the Bond, pushing firmly.

"Is everything alright?" she responds quickly.

"There is a new development, I need to help rescue more workers. Please stay where it's safe."

He feels the terrified man pull at his arm and he angrily shakes him off, glaring down at him. The man shrinks back.

"Are you sure I can't help?" Rey asks.

"You need to keep back. I won't be able to concentrate if I don't know you're alright."

She pauses before pushing through the Bond, "The medical teams and stormtroopers have just started arriving. I'll stay here, I promise. You don't need to worry about me. Help them." He catches a tendril of … pride? He can't remember the last time someone was _proud_ of him.

Knowing that the stormtroopers have arrived helps calm the clamoring in his brain, demanding he return to her. He's certain that the entire ship knows _precisely_ who Rey is to their Supreme Leader and why it's in everyone's best interest to ensure her safety. Nothing moves faster than gossip.

He turns to the frantic husband. "Which part of the mine?" he asks wearily.

The man breathes a deep sigh of relief. "There, the entrance to her section of the mine is under that building," he points.

Kylo takes in one of the burning buildings at the edge of the epicenter of the explosion. He's not sure how _anyone_ could have survived _that_. However, there is one way to be sure. He closes his eyes and reaches out with the Force, feeling for any pockets of life. It's as he had supposed, there are very few survivors. Wait … he senses something. He goes further and finds over a dozen beings deep in the earth, directly below the burning building.

"Please, sir, you must help me," the man pleads.

"I _am_ helping you!" Kylo snarls. Now, how to get to the trapped miners? He wonders … he knows how to _make_ fire with the Force … could he put it _out_?

Holding both hands in front of him, he focuses on the waves of the Force, feeling how the flames consume and undulate. His brows draw together in fierce concentration as he quiets the wild feel of the energy. Slowly the fire shrinks and soon there is only the smoldering skeleton of the building.

Kylo blinks, a bit surprised that it actually worked. Now he needs to clear away the remnants of the structure. He's never purposefully used his powers for something so significant. He knows that he has the ability, but he's only been able to accomplish such feats when he has been deeply emotionally compromised. He'd destroyed the Jedi Temple in a fit of rage and defeated Snoke while gripped in terror.

The stormtroopers start to arrive and he barks to the lead, "You there, there are miners trapped under that building. I'm about to clear it away. Be ready to move on my command—we must get to the survivors swiftly."

The stormtrooper cocks his head, "And who are _you_ to give the First Order _commands_?" The soldier's tone is full of contempt and dominance.

At first Kylo has difficulty perceiving what has just been said. No stormtrooper has _ever_ dared to speak to him like that. Then he recalls that he's not wearing his mask. Additionally, he's covered in dirt and blood from helping the injured man and the billowing dust. Kylo senses the life signs of a few of the miners begin to stutter and his limited patience is nearing its end.

He takes note of the stormtrooper's designation. Ah, FL-4359, the stormtrooper who had apprehended Kes. This will be quite satisfying. "FL-4359, you are addressing the _Supreme Leader_ of the First Order. I think you'll find that per section one, regulation Alpha, that I command _everything_ about you."

The stormtrooper looks him up and down then goes rigid when he finally recognizes the distinct surcoat under all the grime. He stands swiftly at attention.

"We will be ready to move on your order, Supreme Leader, sir!" he chokes out through his terror.

Kylo can't help his curiosity and dips into his mind. R _econditioning, reconditioning, reconditioning_ , loops endlessly through his consciousness. Suddenly showing this stormtrooper his place loses its usual enjoyment.

"Help me ensure these people are saved and there will be no reconditioning," Kylo says before he considers it.

"Sir?" Then the stormtrooper shakes his head quickly. "Yes, sir! We'll be ready to move on your order!"

Kylo focuses on the web of the Force that weaves around the duracrete and metal that once made up the destroyed building. He harnesses his power and begins to pull at the rubble. The broken building starts to groan and creak, then a massive chunk comes to his bidding. He sets it down, but it's not _enough_. At this rate the miners will be long-dead before he can reach them.

He's not entirely certain how to accomplish this; his most potent bursts of power have been brought on by fury or fear. But he's not afraid, nor is he angry. He's doing this because it's what Rey would want. He's doing this because he loves her.

He glances at the Esharan, whose eyes are bulging with panic but is letting Kylo work. The man's desperation is palpable and Kylo is momentarily seized by a memory of when he'd destroyed Snoke. That excruciating helplessness he'd felt while pacing the bridge of Snoke's ship, waiting for any scrap of news. He _knows_ what the other man is feeling. He realizes then that he does not want this man's wife to die. He doesn't want _any_ of the trapped miners to die. These aresubjects of the First Order and doesn't that entitle _every_ citizen to his protection? Perhaps Rey is _not_ the only reason he wants to help, but she is the source.

Kylo closes his eyes and thinks of Rey, of how much he wants to be worthy of that glimmer of pride he'd felt from her. He concentrates on Rey, how she completes him, balances him. He lets himself fall into that perfect place of peace he feels when she's in his arms, looking into his eyes, letting the Bond flow, and suddenly the Force is gathering quickly. Yes, there it is. He's flooded with energy and he grasps at the shuddering structure. He sends it cascading away with one mighty Force push. He opens his eyes and finds the area above the buried miners is cleared.

"FL-4359, follow me. I'll lead you to where we need to start digging."

The stormtrooper signals his division to follow.

* * *

Kylo stumbles back to the makeshift infirmary. There are stormtroopers and medical workers everywhere, tending to the wounded and laying out the dead. He's exhausted. He'd used the Force when he could, but much of rescuing the miners had been pure physical labor, digging and pulling. His muscles are burning almost pleasantly and there is a glow of satisfaction he hasn't felt since … well, he won't think on that.

They'd made it to the workers in time, only losing one. Watching the husband who had begged for his help fold his wife against him had been surprisingly rewarding. He knows _exactly_ how he would have felt if Rey had been trapped like that. He never wants to be in that terrible place ever again. He needs to find her, hold her, reassure himself that Rey is whole.

He's looking for her everywhere, but he can't see her in the midst of the controlled chaos. At this proximity he should be able to sense Rey, but something is shielding her.

"Rey?" he calls out into the Bond. He can sense the barrier between them, but it's different. It's not the wall he's accustomed to. She's not responding.

"Rey?" he pushes again. The Bond trembles but she still isn't saying anything.

"Sir!" Kes's voice yells.

He whips his head towards where the sound came from and finds Kes running up to him.

"You have to stop her!" Kes says, her eyes wild and panicked.

"What, where is she?"

"This way!"

Kes leads him to Rey, who is deep in a Force trance, blue healing light pouring from her. It's almost engulfing her patient and Kylo's mouth hangs open as he takes in the destroyed body lying in front of Rey. The worker is missing two limbs and is covered almost entirely with burns.

Two medical officers are trying to reach Rey, but she's surrounded in some sort of Force shield. "Ma'am, stop—you can't save him!"

Rey doesn't react and looks almost gray. Kylo knows what this is. Prolonged Force healing eventually results in the healer cannibalizing their own Force signature. He'd never thought she'd be so stubborn! The bubble of the Force that is keeping everyone from her, however, _that_ he's never seen before. It must be why he couldn't sense her.

"Rey!" he bellows. She shows no sign of hearing him.

Kylo reaches for her, expecting to be stopped by the shield, but his hands slip through and he kneels behind her, wrapping her in his arms. Force healing continues to pour from her hands, but all it appears to be doing is keeping the man breathing sporadically.

"Rey," he whispers in her ear.

"Kylo?" Her voice is far-away.

"You need to stop. You're hurting yourself," he says gently, tightening his arms around her.

"I have to save him!"

"Rey … love, you can't."

"I have to try!" She flexes her fingers and another burst of power cascades into the nearly-dead man.

"Please, let him go. You're losing yourself." He tries to pull her back, but it's as if she's tethered to her patient.

"Rey, please, if you keep doing this you might die. I can't lose you. I can't," he pleads, his love and his fear lacing through his words. After revisiting the memories of when he _did_ nearly lose her, it's all too easy to envision. " _Please_."

She shudders in his arms and sags back against him, the blue healing light finally stopping. He lets out a slow breath of relief. He buries his face at her neck, needing to touch her skin.

"Help me—help me heal him before it's too late." Her voice is weak but there is still steel in her tone.

He wishes he could; he can sense how desperately she needs to save this person. But it is not within his power. "I … I can't."

She turns to look in his eyes. "Can't or _won't_!" she accuses, a bit of her fire returning.

"Can't. I've never had the affinity for Force healing," he says regretfully, holding her gaze.

Her tired eyes spark with inspiration. "Then try! Like we did with the fire, you come into me, we'll do it together through the Bond."

"I ..." He doesn't want her to expend any more energy; he wants to finally get her back to the safety of the _Finalizer_.

"Do it!" she demands as she fully opens the Bond.

Before he can get his bearings through the onslaught of feelings, she's pulling him into her. He didn't even know she could do that! She's always come into him before and it's _extremely_ disorienting. He can feel her body as his own and her bone deep exhaustion and dangerous depletion terrify him.

He senses her blinding compassion, how much she must save this man. He's never experienced the light so completely. He catches roiling conflict within her, that thick thread of shame he'd hoped had left her, and glints of hope and … devotion? But there's no time to delve into the precious river of Rey.

"Put your hands over mine," she requests as she again reaches her hands over the badly-burned man.

He does as she asks, his chest to her back and his arms stretching around her to place his large hands over hers, obscuring them completely from his sight. He senses how she's manipulating the Force, how she's intently focused on bringing this man back to his family, how she won't allow another child to grow up without a parent. He lends her his power and the blue light becomes nearly blinding. He can't see the man beyond the healing energy, but there is a flurry of activity as medical officers swarm around them. He hears the rhythm of the man breathing strongly.

"Rey, I think you did it. He's breathing steadily. Let go."

"I have to be sure!"

"Let go." He gently pulls at her hands and eventually she lets him gather her back against him. He shifts her body so that her head is tucked under his chin. She sags in his arms and loses consciousness.

He stands quickly, holding her as he did on Takodana. A medical officer is already scanning her before he can call out for help.

"Is she alright?" he asks, his heart beating hard in his chest.

"Yes, yes sir. She's fine. All her vitals are strong. She's just exhausted."

He's not sure he's ever felt such relief and he clutches her to his chest, comforting himself with the weight of her in his arms. He kisses her temple. "Oh, Rey …"

"Sir, let's lay her down," the officer suggests, attempting to pull him gently towards a field cot.

He won't have her recover anywhere but her own bed. "No, I'm taking her back to the _Finalizer_."

Kylo looks down on her beloved face. She's pale and drawn, but her chest rises and falls regularly. Again he presses a kiss against her forehead, holding his lips on her skin, reassuring himself with her warmth. He closes his eyes and simply lets himself feel her. He wants to hide her away forever, snarling and growling at anyone who dares come near. Except Kes. He knows Rey would want Kes close.

The thought of Kes has him scanning for the stormtrooper. He sees her hovering and she's tense and watchful.

He catches her eyes but she looks away. He sighs, too weary to feel much more than a slight stab of guilt. It's time to get Rey home and he starts walking with her safe in his arms.

He walks past Kes and looks back at her over his shoulder. "Are you coming?" Kylo asks, a tad impatiently.

"Yes, sir!" Kes replies, hurrying to catch up with him.

As they make their way back to his shuttle, Kylo is gratified that Kes walks by his side. Perhaps he made some progress with the stormtrooper after all.

* * *

A/N: Thank you to my splendiferous beta and dear friend, Juulna. She worked on two chapters this week! *blows kisses* I'm not sure if I've told you guys, but she's the absolute bestest beta in the beta biz.

Thank you brilliant, beautiful readers. You are all magnificent and I am thrilled that you're reading. I especially enjoy reading your reviews, they are a real motivation to keep writing! Thank you.


	31. Chapter 31

Returning to the _Finalizer_ , the shuttle hums beneath his boots. Kes is seated across from him while he keeps Rey in his arms, unwilling to let her go. Her head is resting against his shoulder and her legs are draped over his lap. Now that he doesn't need his arm to support her legs, he moves the hair that has escaped from her buns away from her face. Needing that intensity of connection he always feels when he touches her skin, he rests his hand along her cheek. It quiets some of the residual terror howling in his chest.

They're both filthy. Her skin and clothing are streaked with grime and blood and digging through the earth to rescue the workers has left him equally bedraggled. Kylo doesn't care; he's mesmerized by her features. Her eyes are moving beneath her lids and he wonders if she's dreaming. His eyes roam over her face, tracing the delicate lines of her cheekbones and the softness of her lips.

He could have lost her …

Kylo senses movement and looks up to find Kes shifting uncomfortably in her seat. He should say something to her.

"Thank you. Thank you for staying with her, for keeping her safe," he says sincerely. If Kes hadn't found him when she had, he might not have reached her before it was too late.

"Yes, sir." Kes keeps her eyes averted.

He sighs heavily. "Kes, you don't need to be afraid of me. You are Rey's friend and an excellent soldier. You did well today."

Kes finally looks up, actually holding his eyes for a moment. "You … you aren't angry with me? For not stopping her?"

He shakes his head. "No. Rey does what she pleases. I'm rapidly learning to not even _try_ to control her. If I'm angry with anyone, it's Rey."

"Sir?"

"Obviously you know that she's Force sensitive."

"Yes, sir."

"If she had let me begin training her, she would have had more control of her powers and this might not have happened," he says, nodding towards Rey's unconscious form.

"I see, sir." She again catches his eyes briefly.

They lapse into silence but Kes finally relaxes.

They're almost to the _Finalizer_ when Kes hesitantly enquires, "Sir?"

"Yes?"

"Will she … will she be okay?"

"Yes, she just needs to rest. She pushed herself dangerously far today, but will be herself by tomorrow."

The stormtrooper nods faintly and he senses she wants to ask something else.

"What is it? You truly don't need to fear me. Please, ask what you wish to know."

Kes looks away for a moment, clutching at her knees. "Would … would it be possible for someone to tell me when she wakes up?" Her clear green eyes flicker with hope.

Kylo smiles. Kes's obvious care for his beloved touches something in him. "I will send the message myself."

Kes's face brightens immediately. "Thank you, sir."

* * *

They walk out into the hangar of the _Finalizer_ to find Hux, a medical team waiting with a gurney and, oddly, Vitok. Kes has grown furtive again.

"Supreme Leader, we were told that the girl had been injured," the general says. Hux's eyes widen slightly when his gaze reaches Kes.

The medics attempt to take Rey from Kylo and he instinctively steps back.

"She is simply depleted; she just needs rest," Kylo explains, holding her more firmly against him.

One of the medics looks briefly at General Hux then hesitantly says, "Sir, we would like to confirm her condition." His voice is timid.

Kylo doesn't want to let her go, irrationally afraid he won't get her back.

"She exhausted herself from using the Force to excess. There's nothing wrong with her medically," Kylo grinds out. He sounds petulant even to his own ears.

"Sir," Hux says with surprising gentleness, "let them do their job."

Kylo shakes his head. "She's _fine_."

Vitok steps forward. "I'm sure she is, but it wouldn't hurt to make certain?" She lifts her hand as if to touch his arm but then drops it. "Sir."

He knows his actions don't make sense, but as long as he's holding her, he's certain she's safe. She had been _harrowingly_ close to sacrificing herself to save that Esharan. But he supposes he _should_ have her looked over, a brief scan in the field isn't truly sufficient.

He looks at Vitok, knowing her kind eyes are pleading with him through her helmet.

Reluctantly, he places Rey on the waiting gurney but swiftly takes her hand.

He looks over at Kes, who has been standing awkwardly to the side. He realizes she's waiting to be dismissed. "You may go, Kes. I will contact you when she wakes up."

The stormtrooper looks at Rey one last time before leaving.

* * *

Kylo pulls back the covers with the Force and carefully lays her on her bed. Rey is, as he'd said, simply drained. He'd refused to leave her in the med bay, wanting―no, _needing_ ―to tend to her himself. She's still covered in the evidence of the blast. He'd like to bathe her, but he would never take such liberties. It's a delicious thought, though. He can imagine how her skin would pink from the warm water. He would join her in the bath; hold her against his chest and wash every inch of her. The thought of kissing droplets of water from her skin has his body _responding_. Apparently not _all_ of him is exhausted.

He pushes away _that_ train of thought as he pulls her boots from her feet. He retrieves a basin and cloths from the 'fresher. Her lovely complexion is revealed as he gently wipes away the grime from her face. He moves aside the ribbon that holds the gems from the necklace as he cleans her neck. Perhaps he could take it now, have it repaired? No, there's not enough time. He washes all of her exposed skin. The rest will have to wait until she's awake.

He'd agreed to contact Hux once he had her settled. The events on Eshara must be dealt with.

"Hux," he says quietly into his comm as he sits heavily in a chair to begin his bedside vigil. A droid with his clean clothing will arrive soon.

"Sir. Is she alright?" Hux responds with genuine concern.

"Yes, she'll likely wake in a few hours. Send me everything you have on the _incident_ on Eshara."

"Perhaps you might have Vitok Ren or KS-2153 stay with her while you come to the bridge?" Hux suggests.

"No."

"They would inform you as soon as she regains consciousness," Hux presses.

"I said no!"

He hears Hux sigh. "Yes sir, I'm sending you the preliminary reports now. We don't know much, but we do know it was intentional."

Kylo looks at his sleeping love and fury races through his veins. His fingers clench around his comm and his other hand curls into a rigid fist. Someone is _responsible_ for her current state. Rey nearly killed herself to heal the victims. They will pay―dearly.

"I'll review the material and then we will discuss retaliation," Kylo growls, turning off his comm. Every single being involved in bombing the mine will _die_ ―he will see to it _personally_. Rey may be making him rethink certain things, but he will _never_ be merciful to those who threaten her. She will need to accept that.

* * *

The door alert sounds and he retrieves a fresh change of clothes from the service droid. He has a moment of indecision, as he doesn't want to leave her long enough to clean himself up. Ultimately, he decides to leave the door between her bedroom and the 'fresher open, foregoing a shower and quickly changing. Just as he'd washed her, he wipes his face and hands. Then he rinses his hair in the sink. It's not perfect, but he's in much better shape.

* * *

Kylo studies everything Hux sent him and digs further into the history of Eshara. He looks at her frequently and often moves from his chair to draw his fingers along her face or hold her hand. In the quiet of her room he's remembered that once this day is done he will not see her for a week and the dwindling hours are beginning to mock him. The thought of not being with her for so many days after everything … it leaves him feeling desperate and helpless.

* * *

He hears a light moan and goes to her quickly, sitting on the edge of her bed. Her eyes are fluttering, but she's not truly awake. She flinches and twitches and he takes her hand in his, smoothing her hair back with the other.

"Shhhh, love, shhhh," he soothes.

Rey starts to whimper.

"Rey? Wake up. It's time to wake up," he says as he kneels next to the bed so that he may be closer to her.

He cradles her head and presses his lips against her temple. She sighs and begins to settle. He pulls back in order to watch her face. Then her eyes open slowly and he's so happy to see the familiar swirls of brown and green.

"Rey …" he breathes out, stroking her cheek.

"Kylo?" she asks confusedly, her eyes flitting around.

"You depleted yourself; you healed too many people. We're back on the _Finalizer_. You've been out for about four hours."

She starts to try to sit up and he urges her to lie back down. "No, please don't get up."

She closes her eyes for a moment, ceasing her movements. "I feel like I'm under water."

"Yes, you will likely feel a bit strange for a while yet. You … you put yourself in great danger," he says softly.

"I _had_ to save him. When they brought him to me he was raving about his children. That he was all they had. I couldn't … I couldn't let them be orphans."

He runs his fingers through her hair. She's perfection. He didn't know someone could be so _good_. "Well, you _did_ save him. He will require extensive rehabilitation, but he will live for many years."

She grasps the hand not stroking her. " _We_ saved him."

"I … yes, I suppose we did." He'd never thought he'd be part of Force healing. It's been such a long time since he'd tapped into the light, even vicariously. That he used his power to _heal_ … He'll think on it later.

A long moment passes while they just look at each other, _into_ each other. Now that she's awake and truly safe he's very aware of how _afraid_ he had been.

Finally Rey breaks the silence. "Tell me what happened while I was healing people."

"We pulled all the survivors to safety."

"We?" she asks with an arched brow.

"The stormtroopers and the other villagers. There were workers trapped in a pocket of the mine that survived the explosion and a few others throughout the structures. I used the Force to find anyone still alive and clear the rubble."

Her smile has grown so wide that he finds himself ducking his head in embarrassment. He's used to her tentative, fleeting acceptance, quickly followed by rejection. Pushing him away, always pushing him away. But now she looks so _happy_ with him. He doesn't know how to handle it.

"What is it?" she asks, tilting her head.

"I … you don't usually look at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like … like you're happy with me."

Her brows draw together and her lips twist into a wounded expression. Force, now he's hurt her.

"I'm sorry," she whispers.

"Sorry? For what?"

"I know … I know that I hurt you, that you don't understand why I won't just accept what's between us. Right now I can't quite remember why. I just know that when I'm alone it all comes rushing back and I feel like I'm caught in quicksand. Today, though … the way you helped your people … today I _am_ happy with you."

"Truly?"

"Truly."

Her confirmation floods him with a sense of satisfaction he's not felt for a very long time, and certainly not to this extent. Snoke would occasionally give him an empty sort of praise, but there was always that lingering doubt, the knowledge that it wasn't good enough. _He_ wasn't good enough. Never good enough. But the way that Rey is looking at him, like he's genuinely pleased her … he must do whatever he can to keep filling her eyes with that bright acceptance.

He's still crouched by her bed and their hands are trailing along each other. Her fingers explore his face, then move through his hair while he strokes her cheek. He's looking deeply into her eyes and there's a new intimacy in the air. Her fingers leave streaks of tingling warmth and he's beginning to tremble. What would he do if he lost her?

She leans forward slightly, then she's pulling him towards her and soon their lips touch. He sighs into her soft mouth, kissing her, a slight hum of energy building between them. Her mouth, her glorious mouth. He delves his tongue between her perfect lips and revels in the taste of her. Now she's tugging at him and he's joining her in her bed.

Lying next to her, he gathers her in his arms as he kisses along her throat. Oh Rey. He sucks at the sensitive skin where her neck meets her shoulder and she arches against him. Beautiful tremors move through her body and he clutches her to him, feeling the length of her smaller form pressed against him. Will he ever grow used to the rush of _pleasure_ that infuses him when he's touching her?

He's already achingly hard, too long denied. She rubs herself against him with a hungry moan and he answers her call, thrusting back. Closer―he needs to be closer. He just wants to dive into her and never surface. He kisses lower, pulling aside the fabric of her tunic. He sees her dirty clothes and he stills. What is he _doing_? She's recovering, _fragile_. He shouldn't be craving her like this, rutting against her like a mindless _animal_.

"What is it?" she breathes into his ear, her voice husky with passion. Her hands are pulling at him and she tries to kiss him but he shifts away, putting some distance between them. He focuses on what Rey needs, not what they both obviously _want_ , but his traitorous body refuses to cooperate. It doesn't matter; she must have _rest_ , not his attentions. He'll just ignore it. Her eyes are confused, almost hurt, and he knows he must explain his sudden shift in mood.

"I'm sorry, you're still weak. I … I'm sorry. And I'm sure you'd like to bathe. I cleaned what I could, but I didn't want to …" His hand flails.

She looks down and sees her blood-streaked clothes. "Oh! Well, I'm not _that_ weak." She gives him a knowing smile that does _not_ help his predicament. "But you're right, I should change."

Rey leans forward and kisses him sweetly. She gets out of her bed, leaving him still lying on his side. He feels how the closeness is dwindling and he's hit with a wave of desolation, sweeping aside his lust. He hasn't thought clearly since he first saw her infusing her very self into the burned man. He's travelled between paralyzing fear, soul-deep relief, dizzying desire, and is now battling the creeping emptiness of her absence. It's too _much_.

He sits, his head in his hands and his elbows on his knees. Nearly losing her has his emotions all over the place. Of course she needs to see to her clothes, to bathe. He was the one to suggest she do just that, but he's not ready to be away from her, even just in the other room.

He can't get control of his feelings. He breathes in a steadying breath but it sounds more like a sob. It's growing late in the day and he won't see her for such a long time. Soon she will have thrown up the wall between them and he'll have to again subsist on her scraps.

But she doesn't withdraw to her 'fresher. Instead, she's standing in front of him.

"Kylo, what is it?" There is genuine concern in her tone as she lifts his face to look at her.

"Nothing. Go change." He looks away, feeling the strangest combination of emotions. He wants to hold her tight yet hide from her until this storm of fear and longing has passed.

"No, please …" She cups his face with both hands and moves to catch his gaze. Her eyes are brimming with worry.

"It's just …" He pulls back, taking her hands from his face and holding them loosely. He looks down at their entwined fingers. Her hands are so _small_. "I know you'll pull away again, and today … you almost died. I … I'm trying, truly I am. But … do you know what it does to me to be apart from you?" He chances a glance at her face and finds her expression stricken.

She stands closer and pulls his arms around her waist. Then she holds his face so he has no choice but to look up at her.

"I don't know how to do this. It's so easy to forget all that you've done when you're like this. Vulnerable, open. But … I feel like I'm betraying _everything_ by being with you." He doesn't know what to say to that. He wants to reassure her that he'll never ask her to join the First Order or do anything she's uncomfortable with, but then she's running her fingers through his hair. He wonders if she knows how much he likes it when she does that. It makes him feel so comforted. He's not allowed anyone to tangle their fingers through his hair since … well, he won't think about _that woman_.

She looks into his eyes with aching tenderness. "We don't agree on _anything_." She smiles, continuing to stroke his head. "Yet … today you showed me a man … a man I could love."

He can't breathe. Yes, he's heard similar words from her lips, but not when she'd meant him to hear them. Having her in front of him, touching him while she says them, makes him even more aware of how he's wronged her. He can't explain, she would never forgive him. But she's said it, to _him_ , and that overwhelms his guilt with a joy he never thought he'd feel. She's admitted to a depth of caring he'd not allowed himself to dream of, except late at night in his most private places.

Swiftly, he pulls her close and buries his face in her filthy clothes.

"Kylo! I'm covered in I don't even know what!" she exclaims, placing her hands on his shoulders and pushes against him slightly. He only tightens his hold.

"I don't care. You just said you could love me." His voice is muffled and his eyes are stinging.

"I already halfway do," she murmurs.

He pulls back, certain he's misheard her. He looks into her eyes and finds only warmth there, no hint of trickery.

"You do?" he asks in stunned disbelief.

"I do. I still need us to go slow, but I'm not going to come back from cleaning myself up and show you the door."

He smiles slightly, feeling a bit foolish for being so _needy_. He pulls her back to him and she's again stroking his hair. He hums in pleasure and he allows himself to let some of the fear go. _Rey is falling in love with him_. He's so close to having everything he's ever wanted.

Much as he'd like to simply keep her in his arms, he's certain she can't be comfortable in her stained clothing. Kylo stands, gently extricating himself.

"Alright, off with you," he says lightly, recovering from the whirlwind of contradictory feelings. He's slightly dazed by her admission.

She looks him up and down and frowns. He realizes his clothing is again streaked with dust.

"I think you have to change again." Then she looks at her bed, sullied with dirt. "In fact, I'll need to change these sheets, too."

"I'll have the droids come."

"Don't you ever do anything yourself?"

"Why would I?"

Rey puts a hand on her hip and rolls her eyes. "I … I don't even know how to _begin_ to explain that. Leave it, I'll handle it. Meet me back here in half an hour?"

"Alright."

She goes to her 'fresher and disappears behind the door with a gentle smile.

He looks at the bed and decides he doesn't want her to exert herself. Now … how does one go about changing sheets?

* * *

They're on her settee after a quiet meal. While in his own quarters he'd informed Kes that Rey is awake. He'd also taken the opportunity to bathe and he's feeling more himself. She's in his arms and running her fingers along his chest. While he'd prefer she was still resting in her bed, she had been emphatic that she was feeling better. He hasn't yet addressed what transpired on Eshara. He doesn't want to dispel the calm beauty of the moment, but he's certain she doesn't have any comprehension of how close she'd come to irreparably harming herself, perhaps to the point of death.

"Rey?"

"Hmm?"

"You must let me train you."

She pulls back and looks at him sternly. "I've told you no."

"But today, you don't understand what you nearly did."

"I'm only tired." She shrugs.

Only tired? Her casual dismissal of how close he'd come to losing her makes him _angry_. " _No_ , you could have permanently damaged your connection with the Force. Rey … you could have killed yourself!"

She pales and her fingers clutch at him. "I thought you were exaggerating," she says with a shaky voice.

"I was _entirely_ sincere. Pouring that kind of power into others for long periods of time, especially by an _untrained_ Force user, eventually results in the very Force burning out within you. The danger was exceptionally real. I could have _lost_ you. Do you have the remotest idea what that would do to me? Can you even conceive of it?" he asks fiercely and the Force swirls around him. She must understand, she _has_ to.

While talking he'd pulled back and is now holding her firmly by the shoulders, his eyes searing into hers.

Rey's eyes are wide and he's afraid that he's scaring her. He relaxes his hold and moves a hand to her face.

"You could have _died_ ," he whispers.

She blinks and then her eyes grow wide. "I didn't know. I'm sorry."

"I don't care that you're sorry! You have to let me teach you so this never happens again! I would never recover if I could no longer feel you, even with the Bond closed, you're always _here_." He holds his hand over his heart. Please, please _understand_.

Her expression shifts from contrite fear to something edging on contempt. "Right. The Bond," she scoffs. "The archives said when one half of a Force Bonded pair dies the other usually descends into insanity. That would make it difficult to take over the galaxy."

What? She thinks this is about the First Order? "To hell with the Bond! This isn't about the Bond. It would devastate me because I would lose _you_. You! Not the Bond, you! What must I say for you to understand what you mean to me? I love you. I've never loved anyone but you. I will only _ever_ love you. Not because of the Bond!" He's breathing hard and his heart pounds in his chest. He wants to launch himself at her and kiss her until she believes him or scream explanations until he's hoarse. Anything, as long as Rey stops finding ways to cast off his devotion.

Her face is frozen with her lips opened slightly. She stares at him and finally lets out a defeated breath.

"But there's no way to _know_ ," she says quietly.

"Why does it even _matter_? It's done, it's permanent. I … _we_ feel what we feel. To struggle against it is futile, madness." He wants to hide his frustration, but Force, he's _tired_.

"You say that you think you would feel this way regardless," she says thoughtfully.

"Yes," he answers cautiously.

She catches his eyes. "I don't think I would."

He has to close his eyes against how deeply he's hurt by her words. She truly believes that it's only the Bond. She thinks she could love him, but only because of a perverse twist of fate. He should have known, she never would have wanted him without outside interference. Why does he continue to fall in this trap?

His eyes startle open when he feels her hands on his face. He'd not felt her shift.

" _But_ , you're right. It doesn't matter why I feel the way I do. It feels real, so in a way it _is_ real. I didn't mean to hurt you. I _hate_ hurting you."

He nods faintly, still recovering from her latest cut.

"The Bond … it may be responsible for me coming to care for you …" Her eyes soften with undeniable affection. "But I do know that … before it was forged, I did feel something."

"Terror? Disgust?" _Creature in a mask_ ...

"No! Well … yes, but that's not what I meant." Her lips make a thin line and she breathes out quickly. "I'm trying to apologize!"

"It doesn't matter. I will take what you will give me."

"I … of course it _matters_. I don't want … " Her fingers are back in his hair. Rey holds his eyes intensely. "You once accused me of treating you like a dog. Giving you scraps. I don't want that. I want to _understand_ you. I think … I think I want you to understand _me_."

That's what he wants, too. More than touching her, more than _anything_ , he wants to give himself to her and have her give herself to him in return. This constant misunderstanding rips him to pieces. He doesn't know how to find the words to express himself, so he stays silent.

She doesn't say anything else, but her eyes are pleading with him. He's not sure what she needs so he lifts his hand to her face and draws his thumb along her cheek. She closes her eyes and presses against his hand. He wraps his other arm around her shoulders, pulling her near.

Her eyes flutter open and he's caught in her gaze. He's not sure who closes the distance, but soon they're kissing. It begins gently, but it's rapidly spiraling. It appears that's inevitable. But she'd been trying to tell him something, so he pulls back.

"What did you want to say? About how you felt when we … met?" he asks.

His arm is still around her, his hand cradling her face. She catches his gaze and he finds a deeply endearing shyness lurking in her eyes.

She tangles her fingers in his tunic. "That I thought you were handsome. That I wanted to touch you. I was terrified, but … when you took off your mask, I felt like I _knew_ you. So … I guess I was just trying to tell you that my feelings about you, _for_ you, have always been complicated. I know I told you I felt nothing, that you were wrong about our connection. But that's not really true. I _always_ felt it." She looks at him with bashful eyes.

He takes in a shuddering breath, afraid to believe she means what she's said. He'd always hoped he'd been right, that he wasn't alone. He'd even told her. _I feel it, too_. But to have her acknowledge it … it is the rarest of gifts.

"Will you let me teach you to wield the Force so that nothing like today happens again? It's not safe for you to have such power with no way to channel it." He leans his forehead against hers, closing his eyes. "Don't make me face this again. Please, Rey. _Please_."

He hears her steady breathing and he waits for her answer. At least she's not rejecting it out of hand.

"Vitok. I will train with Vitok."

He draws back and looks at her face. It's not what he'd hoped for, but at least she would have _some_ training. He wants so much to be the one to watch her unlock the exquisite power within her, but he can think of no one he would trust more than Vitok.

"I will make arrangements in the morning."

She nods, but there's a dimming in her eyes that he doesn't know how to interpret. He decides not to press. She has agreed to be trained. It is enough.

He wraps her in his arms, encouraging her to settle against his chest. His eyes close and he allows himself to simply feel the comfort of holding her. He won't think about how long it will be until he next sees her, only that he _will_ see her. She will train with Vitok. They will write to each other. She is finally admitting how deeply they're connected.

Her warm body feels so right against him. Hoping she'll let him feel some of her, he softly brushes against the Bond. Her fingers grip his chest then relax. The Bond opens and he gasps as waves of pure warmth wash over him. He lets himself drift in her light and everything else melts away. Rey ...

* * *

Thank you to the incomparable Juulna for being a fantastic friend and beta. I didn't get this to her until yesterday and she still turned it around. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

Thank you beautiful readers. I so appreciate every hit, follow, favorite, and review.

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrrydowning.


	32. Chapter 32

**A/N: My sincere apologies for not updating last Monday.**

* * *

Warmth. He's cocooned in _warmth_. Safety. Security. His senses are overwhelmed by the scent of _Rey_ and contentment suffuses his entire being. He feels her fingers stroking his face. This is a good dream. Then there are little sparks of kisses along his jaw and he sighs.

"Kylo …" her voice breathes into his ear and it sends glittering shocks along his spine. He shivers deliciously.

"Kylo, wake up …"

A soft kiss is pressed against his lips and he begins to realize Rey is actually here. She's in his arms and he slowly opens his eyes. He freezes as he comprehends that he's still in her sitting room. What time is it? He takes in her beautiful face, her sleepy eyes, and he relaxes back into the delicious comfort of holding his beloved.

He smiles at her gently and runs his fingers through her hair. "Hello, sweetheart."

She smiles back and he wants to kiss her dimples. Why not? He's allowed to, now. He leans forward and leaves a lingering kiss on her cheek.

"We fell asleep," she explains.

"I see that."

"It's morning. I wouldn't have woke you, but I didn't know when you're expected at … uhm … work."

They'd slept all night on her settee? He shouldn't have allowed that. She needed a proper night's rest. He frowns, disappointed at his carelessness.

"What is it?" she asks.

"You needed rest, not to have an uncomfortable night sleeping out here."

"I was quite comfortable, actually." She smiles at him coyly then her expression becomes pensive. "I think it helped, sleeping with the Bond open like that. I feel fine, good even."

The Bond, however, is empty now; she's already withdrawn. He wishes he'd waded into the rivers of Rey while he'd had the chance, but he'd needed to simply float along her last night. He finds he can't truly regret his choice.

He looks into her expressive eyes, hoping she truly is feeling better. "Are you sure you're alright?"

She rolls her eyes. "You worry too much."

"Well I wouldn't have to if you hadn't put yourself in danger like that," he says testily. He's pulled into the memory of her pallid skin after she'd given too much to the Esharan.

He grasps her to him but she pulls back and regards him, her eyes flashing with annoyance.

"About that," she says slowly.

His stomach sinks. Oh no. She's changed her mind about training. "About what?" he asks cautiously.

Her face grows hard and all the heady warmth between them is dispelled by her frosty eyes.

"Do not _ever_ Force freeze me again. Ever. In fact, don't use your powers on me, period."

He sits up but keeps an arm around her. "It was necessary," he says with a clipped tone.

" _You_ thought it was necessary. Promise me that was the last time."

"I can't do that. If you are in danger I will _always_ do what I have to in order to keep you safe."

Rey purses her lips and pulls from him, sitting on the edge of the settee. After having her so close for hours, the distance between them makes him feel as if she's been carved from his side and he's left raw and ragged. He manages to keep himself from reaching for her but he still leans towards her. Her arms wrap around her waist and she glares at him.

"You have a _horrible_ history of forcing me to do things against my will when you think it's _necessary_. You froze me on Takodana, pushed into my mind on _Starkiller_ , then froze me _again_ on Cathne, pulled _and_ froze me on Ilaria, and you froze me yet again on Eshara. I won't have it."

His teeth grind together and he feels a nerve in his cheek jump. He'd only used the Force on her like that because he'd had _no other choice_. Why can't she understand that? If he'd let her keep going on Takodana she would have escaped with the map. He won't think about the events on _Starkiller_. On Cathne, she would have run off with _General Organa._ Ilaria … well, he supposes he understands her anger for that, but she wouldn't be with him had he not acted. Eshara, however … she may have a point there. Ultimately they'd ended up at the mine and he sees that they might have come to a compromise if they'd simply discussed it.

He breathes out slowly, calming his frustration. "I won't use my powers unless you are actively in danger," he concedes.

Rey shakes her head. "I don't want to leave it to your _questionable_ judgment."

"As we're discussing your safety, you will have to trust me."

She snorts. "Trust you?"

"Yes," he says, realizing how much he needs her to trust him. The deeper he falls, the more he comprehends what wanting everything from her truly means. He wants her trust, her love, her body, her _soul_. When he'd first set this course, he'd been focused on finding her, _having_ her. But now that she's here, what that actually entails has grown exponentially.

Rey looks away, her hands falling to her lap. "It's not even about trust; I don't want you to control me like that."

He hates the few feet of space between them. He needs her close. Doesn't she feel it? Having her near but not touching her is _wrong_.

"I wasn't trying to _control_ you, I just didn't know what else to do! I know _,_ I _know_ I say that, that you think it's an excuse, but it was _instinctual_. I just needed you safe. I didn't think about it, not really. I knew you'd be angry once it was done, but facing your fury was a price I was willing to pay. I _can't_ lose you." His voice grows quiet and lost and he looks down at his hands, his shoulders sagging helplessly.

She doesn't respond so he looks up after a few too many seconds have passed, finding that her eyes have softened. "I know. I remember how I felt the morning I nearly lost _you_." She shifts closer, not yet touching, but near enough that the Bond swirls between them hopefully. "But can you understand how much I hate that you are able to overpower me so easily?"

His fingers clench at his knees and his eyes close tightly for a moment. He remembers how it felt for Snoke to invade him, remove his ability to defend himself and he _does_ understand. Yet … he can't give in to her wishes, too afraid of the implications. Never again will he make her a promise he knows he can't keep. "Yes, I do. I know what it feels like to have no control. But you just ran off ..." he finishes plaintively.

Rey cocks her head and he takes the opportunity to watch her. Her simple tunic is wrinkled from a night of sleep held close to his side. Her complexion is back to normal, her cheeks glowing with vitality. He's so tired of struggling with her, but being able to gaze on her winsome face gives him something to cling to.

Finally, she takes in a deep breath. "Both of us are used to relying on ourselves. On Jakku, there was just me. I never had to take another person's wishes into account. Your reasons may be different, but you don't have much experience with thinking about someone else, either." She looks at him keenly.

"No, I suppose not."

"So I will do better at being aware of how my actions affect you. If we're ever in a similar situation, I won't run off like that," she offers, looking at him expectantly.

She's clearly looking for him to offer something in return. He thinks about it. It was rather high-handed of him to freeze her like that. He chooses his words carefully. "I will try to consider your wishes before acting. I won't use the Force on you _unless_ your life is threatened or you give me your permission."

He doesn't like the vulnerable feeling that runs through him. However, Rey isn't wrong, he has very little experience with including another's perspective in his decision making. He's not sure he even knows how to go about it.

"Thank you," she says softly. They're still sitting side-by-side and she tentatively reaches her hand out, inviting him to curl his fingers with hers. But he wants her much closer than that so he opens his arms. Swiftly she returns to his side; she fits so perfectly there. He closes his eyes as he presses her head against his chest and her hand goes to his heart.

Will they ever reach a place where she no longer pulls away from him at the slightest provocation? It's so hard to keep up with the rules of engagement. At least she's never again forced him to promise not to touch her. Those days of being near but not being allowed to hold her, trail his fingers along her face, kiss her—they had been _agony_.

Kylo puts the most recent conflict from his mind and concentrates on the delectable feeling of his beloved's small form tucked under his chin. He went years with as little contact with another person as possible. Now there's a physical sensation of pain when he's not able to touch her. When he's away from her, it _hurts_. His skin aches for her, as if it's pulled too tight across his frame.

Rey kneads at his chest with her fingers. He's noticed that she tends to touch him actively. He does it too, not content with just holding her; he must stroke and grasp. It's as if their fingers need to constantly reaffirm that the other is there, pulsing and alive under their hands.

"I liked waking up in your arms," she says as she rubs her cheek against him.

She's like the cat he had as a boy, insistent for affection. He will never deny her. He savors the texture of her hair as he cards his hand through her waves. He's probably spent a week's worth of hours imagining what her chestnut locks would feel like. So many fantasies coming true. He hums at the thought of her hair trailing along his bare chest as she works her way down his body … But now is not the time for that.

He pulls her closer, murmuring, "I liked waking up to your kisses."

Her delicate face tilts up and her eyes are open, free of the conflict he often finds brewing there. "I meant it, you know, what I said last night."

"That you will train with Vitok?" he asks, holding her gaze.

"Well, yes, but I was talking about how I feel about you. That I … I'm … about how much I …" Her perfect face scrunches in frustration. "I don't know how to talk about it … I keep hurting you when I try … I don't want that. Whenever I try to explain what's inside of me I feel like it all comes out wrong, that up becomes down and I make you feel like I'm pushing you away, that I don't want you ..." She looks down, drawing the cloth of his tunic between her fingers.

"Yesterday you talked about how hard it is to be away from me, what it does to you. It's hard for me, too. I don't ask for space because I don't want to be with you, but because I _do_ want to. So much. But you never seem to understand what _that_ does to _me_. Because of that, I still need time before I see you again, but not because I don't feel it. I'm not shutting you out, I'm trying to find my way _to_ you without losing myself." Her hazel eyes blink up at him.

He wants to understand what she's saying, she's obviously trying to tell him that he does matter to her, but all he can hear is that he will need to leave soon. That she needs that cursed _time_. His breath comes quickly and the familiar hollowness sweeps through his chest.

"Stop, please," she says as her hands move swiftly to his face.

"Stop what?" His voice is artificially calm. She's said she's not shutting him out, but somehow it always feels that she is.

"I can _see_ the panic beginning. I'm not going anywhere. It's just a few days. Then we'll see each other. We'll write. Having time to think, adjust … it helps. We were having a nice time before everything went to hell. I mean … weren't we?"

"Yes! Yes. Very much so." How could she think he doesn't enjoy every moment he has with her?

"See? It was good for us. I'm coming to terms with what's happened. At first it was too much, I couldn't keep up with … everything. But I'm learning to make a sort of peace with it. I don't think you know how much it means to me that you are giving me space just because I'm asking you too. That's all I ever wanted, really, for you to _listen_ to me. Please don't be so sad when it's time to go."

She's still looking up at him and her eyes are full of entreaty. As difficult as her way of navigating their relationship is for him, she _is_ right. Allowing her to set the pace has resulted in her opening up to him, sharing her memories and thoughts, her affection and desire.

He whispers a caress along her forehead before again catching her eyes. "I'm still going to miss you." Like air, water, food, and sleep.

"I'll miss you, too. I think that's good."

"It's good to feel empty and wanting, overwhelmed with longing?" He cringes. He shouldn't have said that, the words just tumbled out.

Her eyes grow sad. "Kylo …"

"Never mind. You're right, having you miss me is a decided improvement over you wishing me dead." He tries to say it lightly, as if he's teasing, but the essential truth of his words are too heavy.

Rey grimaces in pain. "I never wanted you dead. Not really. And … I _did_ miss you. Now and every day since the Bond was forged. I miss you any time we aren't touching. Even when we _are_ touching, it's never enough."

"I-" Then she cuts him off by capturing his lips, kissing him fiercely. It takes him a moment to catch up, but he's right there with her by the time her soft tongue slides into his mouth.

Their lips fused, she shifts until she's straddling him. Her hands run through his hair and he groans. He smoothes his hands along her back, imagining the expanse of her skin hidden under her tunic.

Maker, he wants to spend the day just like this. The wild lust is building in them both, but she wants to move slowly. And, honestly, so does he. While it would be bliss to give in to the exquisite tension, he will only have this time with Rey once and he wants to savor each new discovery. She should be unwrapped with care, each of her treasures enjoyed thoroughly before moving on to the next.

So he ignores what it does to him to feel the heat of her center pressed against his urgent hardness, focusing instead on her tender mouth and the sparks of pleasure that always accompany her hands in his hair.

Then her fingers dance along one of his arms and she's grasping his hand. She guides it away from her back and at first he's confused. Oh ... Oh _Force_ , her firm breast beneath his palm is utter perfection. He's trying, desperately, to control himself, but then he feels her nipple tighten as he strokes the sensitive tissue with his thumb. She's not wearing anything beneath her tunic and a strangled whimper falls from his lips. He rolls the taught bud between his fingers and she gasps into his mouth. He's trying to remember why he must hold himself in check.

He's never explored a woman's body with his bare hands before, and there's something about how her breast feels under his fingers that speaks to a primal part of him. It's all he can do to keep from tearing the cloth from her body and pulling her breast into his mouth. He continues to circle her nipple with his thumb and she's mewling and panting against him. Their foreheads are touching, eyes closed. His breathing has grown harsh.

They open their eyes and Rey sits back a bit further on his lap so that she can look hold his gaze. Deliberately, she takes his hand, pulling it from her chest while grasping his other wrist. His fingers twitch to feel her again, but then she's moving his hands, pushing them up under her tunic. She wants him to …? Her eyes are searing into his as she places his hands over her breasts. He can't see them, not yet, but Maker, their slight weight in his palms has him in awe.

He squeezes them slightly and she arches into his touch. How can slight swells of flesh feel so good? He suddenly feels like an innocent, flush with discovery. He glides his fingers over the silken softness of her skin, fascinated by how the texture changes as he reaches the pebbled skin of her areola. He watches her face, enraptured by how the pleasure moves across her face. Her eyes are closed now, her cheeks flushed. Her swollen lips are parted and she lets out little pants. Just as he had over her tunic, he swirls his thumbs around each needy peak and Rey is crying out. He's never heard such sounds before. She's almost sobbing. His cock throbs painfully.

Before he's really accepted that he's being allowed this experience, her eyes are again on his and she's pulling her tunic from her body. He breaks their eye contact, needing to see what she's revealed. He blinks, not truly believing that he's seeing her lovely breasts bared to him. She's _magnificent_. The sight of all that creamy skin, smattered with freckles, pulls a guttural moan from his throat. But then he notices that she's stilled.

He looks up at her face and finds nervousness—she won't meet his eyes. Much as he wants to continue to limn her body with his fingers, instead he cups her cheek with his hand, placing the other at the dip of her waist. He tries to get her to look at him but she keeps her gaze averted.

He's not sure what's wrong. Is she insecure? He knows she doesn't believe that she's beautiful. "You're exquisite," he reassures in a low voice.

Her eyes flit to his for just a moment but then she's again looking away. She covers herself with one arm.

"Rey?" She still won't meet his gaze, and her other arm joins the first.

"Love, what is it?"

She shakes her head and pulls her arms tighter across her chest. He tries to soothe her by stroking his hand along the small of her back and drawing his fingers lightly across her cheek. Slowly she moves her eyes to his and she looks impossibly young. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her down until she's nestled against his chest. She's trembling.

"Rey … it's alright."

"I thought … I wanted … but then …"

"I understand, I do," he croons.

"I don't know what to do with everything inside me," she whispers brokenly.

"You don't need to rush yourself."

"I wasn't … I didn't think I was, at least. I just needed to be closer, needed to do something to make this _ache_ go away. But then … I ..."

"Shhhh … you don't need to explain. We'll take as long as you need, sweetheart. Just let me hold you."

She nods against his chest. He holds her close, stroking her hair, covering her nakedness with his embrace. Her trembling subsides.

"I like it when you call me that," she murmurs against his chest.

"I like that I want to," he admits softly.

* * *

Kylo walks to the bridge. He'd helped her re-dress and sensed she needed time to herself. He hadn't wanted to leave, but he can't deny that giving Rey space yields much better results than when his frantic, possessive _need_ to be with her takes away his reason. He'll see her again in a handful of days. Until then, she will train with Vitok in the mornings and spend her afternoons with Kes. She's reaffirmed that she will write to him. She'd kissed him goodbye with such tenderness that he'd been able to keep the panic at leaving her from overtaking him.

* * *

He finds Vitok in the training room set aside for the Knights of Ren. She's practicing forms with her helmet off. He removes his own, as has become his habit when alone with Vitok.

"You weren't in your quarters earlier this morning when I came for our regular training. Hux didn't know where you were. Clearly things are going _quite_ well," Vitok teases with an arched brow, coming to stand in front of him. When Kylo doesn't say anything she smirks.

He frowns. He doesn't want Vitok to think that he'd taken advantage of Rey's weakened state. "We fell asleep in her sitting room. It's not what you're thinking. I wouldn't … not after yesterd-"

"I know that. I only meant that things are … progressing."

"Ah, well. Yes. Things are _progressing_ ," he says uncomfortably.

Vitok is about to return to her forms but he stops her. "I was actually hoping to talk to you about something instead of train. We're nearly out of time as it is."

"Yes?"

"Rey has agreed to study the Force, but only with you. I would like you to teach her."

Vitok stands up straighter and blinks quickly. "You want me to teach Rey?" she asks slowly.

"Please. Yesterday … she needs to know what she's capable of. She's so powerful yet she wields the Force with abandon. She has no control, just runs forward. I need her to be able to defend herself, to know her limits. She will be a joy to train," he says wistfully.

A fond smile pulls at Vitok's lips. "I have no doubt about that. Of course I will." She tilts her head to the side and muses, "I've never had an apprentice before."

Kylo flinches. He hadn't thought of something so formal. He doesn't like the idea of anyone but him being her master. This is temporary, he's sure of it. As they grow closer, of course she will want him to be the one to unleash her staggering potential.

"I had thought perhaps you would simply guide her," Kylo says carefully.

"Ah. You are hoping she will be _your_ apprentice."

"In time, yes." He wants her to be his in all ways. As angry as he is with Skywalker for leaving her to founder, he's also pleased that she's never pledged her loyalty in such a way.

Vitok gets a troubled expression. "Kylo … I'm not sure that's such a good idea."

"Why not? I may be the only one able to teach her as she grows more advanced. You've seen how the Bond opened me to the Force. It would allow me to show her what she can do in a way no one else can."

"That's true, and I'm certain you would take her far. But there are already too many issues of power between you two."

"What do you mean?" he asks, not particularly liking the worry in Vitok's eyes.

"Well, she's not allowed to leave and she didn't choose to be here," she says as if it's blindingly obvious.

Stiffly, he says, "That's in the past. She has said she will stay."

"But if she tried to leave you would stop her," Vitok says frankly.

Kylo stays silent and Vitok purposefully catches his eyes, looking at him meaningfully. Finally he lets out a frustrated breath. "Yes, I would stop her."

"If you were her master she would need to be obedient to you, do as you say."

"Only when training."

"I'm sure you think that's true, but it would bleed into other areas. You can't take her as your apprentice and as your consort. By all means, teach her if she asks you, but you can't be her master."

He detests Vitok's logic. Not ready to accept the death of this dream, he says through clenched teeth, "I will think on it. For now I would like for you to work with her in the mornings."

"Kylo, surely you can see why the two relationships are fundamentally incompatible."

"I said I would think on it! You will train her starting tomorrow. Do not question me, Vitok Ren," he snarls, taking a threatening step towards her.

Vitok draws back and he instantly regrets his bearing but he doesn't apologize—he is _still_ the Supreme Leader and Master of the Knights of Ren. He watches as disappointment moves through her eyes.

This fantasy runs deep, he's wanted this from the moment he realized Rey was Force sensitive. It had taken him quite some time to realize he wanted everything from her, and having her as his apprentice is woven thickly through his plans. He has no wish to untangle this desire from his visions of their future.

Vitok looks at him for a long moment. "It would be my honor to teach her," she says with a formality that makes him feel cold.

She returns to moving her way through forms and Kylo leaves silently.

* * *

Kylo strides onto the bridge, feeling unsettled from how he'd left Vitok. He shouldn't have treated her like that.

"General Hux, meet me in my office," he commands.

"Yes, sir."

Once the door closes, Hux stands expectantly in front of his desk as he takes his seat.

"What news from Eshara?" Kylo asks gruffly.

"We have identified the group responsible. They call themselves the Shar Faen. Apparently it is the name of a deity from one of their religious traditions. The goddess of prosperity. Unfortunately, they've gone to ground and we've not been able to find out much more than that. No leader has identified themselves though the group did claim responsibility. Analysts have confirmed it, they matched materials used to destroy the mine to components from an earlier event. Shar Faen destroyed an apparel shop of all places."

Kylo is tempted to go back down to the surface himself and start ripping through minds, but he knows that's not practical. He yearns to once again be on the ground, acting instead of _waiting_. A day spent exerting his will on others would surely excise the frustration thrumming through his body.

"Send a team down; I won't leave the investigation to local authorities."

"Already done, sir. They were on the ground approximately 30 minutes after the explosion."

"Fine. I want every single member of this Shar Faen found. I won't have the First Order undermined in this way." Not to mention that Rey was hurt. That alone would ensure his wrath.

"Yes, sir." Hux hovers in that way that makes Kylo grind his teeth.

"What, Hux?" he growls.

The general leans forward slightly. "May I ask … may I ask how she is this morning?"

Kylo regards him through his mask. The reminder of her ordeal stings. He should be with her, ensuring she truly is recovered. "She is well."

"That is excellent news, Supreme Leader."

He snorts derisively. "I'm surprised that you care. I thought you didn't approve of my _little project_."

Hux looks down for a moment. "I am beginning to understand that she's … necessary."

And if that isn't the crux of the matter. She is _essential_. "Indeed she is," Kylo murmurs, turning to look out on the stars.

* * *

In his office, Kylo is distracted; he has been all day. He cycles through regret for losing his temper with Vitok, worry that Rey will have some sort of relapse, then choking on _need_. He can't stop thinking about the feel of her firm breasts in his hands. He's really going to have to do something about this soon. _Everything_ makes him think of her. Yesterday has left him an emotional wreck. He'd almost lost her; then she told him that she's halfway in love with him.

All he wants to do is be back in her rooms, but he knows she needs _time_. Though he's come to detest that word, he's beginning to understand why she needs it. She's not like him in matters like these, tearing forward, consequences be damned. She's cautious, thoughtful. She leads with her head, not with her heart. She's quick to act when someone is in danger, but when it comes to her own feelings she moves like the dunes on Jakku.

When he lets her reach her own conclusions, she seems to come ever closer. It might be a trial in self-control, not one of his strengths at the best of times, but he can't deny that it seems to be working.

He sighs and sits back in his chair, looking at nothing. He can almost feel her lips against his. Who knew a kiss could be so many different things? A whisper of devotion, a branding of lust … a moment of pure love. The way her little pink tongue feels when she darts it into his mouth … _Maker_ , he has to stop thinking about her. Not even his voluminous clothing can hide how hard she makes him, and eventually someone is going to notice.

It's late, perhaps she's written to him. He checks and finds a short missive.

 _Thank you for taking care of me. Where did you learn to change sheets? You need a teacher …_

He grins at her reference. It lightens something within him that she's willing to tease him about that. Perhaps she is beginning to forgive him. How can he miss her so much when he only left her this morning?

* * *

Kylo wakes, already feeling restless. This morning Rey begins training with Vitok. It's a bittersweet feeling. He's grateful she will be honing her skills with his trusted knight, but he had always assumed he would be the one to show her the beauty of the Force. But Vitok will teach her well. He should say something, acknowledge that she hadn't deserved to bear the brunt of his frustration.

His skin is prickling with pent up want. He can tell the madness is beginning again. Being apart from her is devouring his reason once more.

* * *

Rey is working with Vitok _right now_. He wonders if they've decided to train in her quarters or in the knight's training room. He could go see … catch a glimpse of her if they've chosen the larger space set aside for the Knights of Ren. That would be acceptable, wouldn't it? They're _his_ knights, after all. It would be perfectly reasonable for him to be there.

He's standing up from behind his desk when Hux walks in.

"Supreme Leader, there's something you should see."

He doesn't have time for this! He wants to see Rey. "Fine, what is it?" He doesn't bother to hide his irritation.

"I've just sent it to your datapad. Apparently the events on Eshara were recorded."

Kylo sits back down and picks up the device. He finds what appears to be a holo clip waiting for him.

He begins the holo and he's greeted with his own image, moving away the remains of the burning building. Then it cuts to him and the stormtroopers digging out the survivors, followed by a lingering shot of the frantic Esharan holding his wife as they both sob into each other. It's overly sentimental, but he can't help smiling slightly behind his mask. He hopes they're both healing well.

The scene shifts and now he's kneeling behind Rey, holding her, whispering in her ear. The expression on his face is tender and pleading; his eyes are hollow with fear. He flinches at the reminder of how she'd nearly destroyed herself. He watches as he sees the holo of himself and Rey heal that man. He'd not noticed the way the Force had swirled around her, making her glow with an ethereal beauty, but the holo captures both the Force and her glow exquisitely.

She truly was meant to hold life and death in those delicate hands. There has never been her equal and he's entranced by the image they make. Light and dark, her small form dwarfed by his frame. They are balance embodied and he's reminded again that he was going to try to see her.

The burned man opens his eyes and Kylo's breath catches as he sees Rey collapse into his arms. He's about to shut it off, impatient to see Rey, when Hux says, "Wait, there's more."

Kylo returns his attention to the holo and it's a long shot of him holding Rey, looking down on her with absolute adoration. He didn't know his face could look like that. It's all there, for anyone to see, how completely he loves her. His eyes are brimming with it. He's torn between rage that this private moment was captured and an odd sort of pride in how no one could ever deny his feelings.

"Fine, it was recorded. What of it?" He taps his gloved fingers on his desk.

"I don't think you understand, sir. It's everywhere. I mean absolutely _everywhere_. It was released to the news networks and it's all that's playing on the holonet across the galaxy."

"You mean to tell me that my _face_ is being broadcast throughout the systems!" he bellows, turning over his chair as he swiftly stands. Panic quickly overtakes him, with no regard for his current audience.

"That is exactly what I'm telling you."

He's never felt so exposed in his life. He's hidden his face for nearly seven years now. Maker, it's only a matter of time before someone makes the connection. Within a day every being will know that Kylo Ren and Ben Organa are one and the same. He's gone to such lengths to destroy that weak, foolish _child_. The thought of the galaxy knowing that Kylo Ren is the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo, heroes of the Galactic Civil War, leaves him utterly cold. It will all come back, just like when his relationship to Darth Vader was revealed. The constant dissection, the ignorant suppositions. His face … his face …

Move. He needs to move. He begins to pace back and forth, eating the length of his office in frantic strides. His helmet feels oppressive and he rips it from his head, throwing it across the room. It makes a satisfying thunk as it bounces off the wall. Back and forth he continues, his fists opening and closing. He'd done _everything_ he could to wipe that boy out of existence—unspeakable, unnatural things—but apparently he will always haunt him.

Dimly, he becomes aware that Hux is trying to get his attention.

"... good thing!" he hears the last of Hux's sentence.

He stops his manic pacing and looks incredulously at the ginger irritant. "What did you just say?"

Hux's lips purse but he repeats himself. "This only helps the First Order. This is an exceptional opportunity; this is a good thing."

"How can this possibly be a _good thing_! My face, Hux! They know my _face_!" he rages.

"Exactly!" the general says with more excitement than Kylo has _ever_ seen him exhibit. "I couldn't have organized this better had I _tried_. And believe me, I _have_ been trying. It's not been easy to use your ascension to Supreme Leader to our advantage. But this, sir, don't you see?" Hux's eyes gleam with an anticipation that makes Kylo wary.

"See _what_?" He can't quite stop the maelstrom of panic and helplessness from continuing to well up within him. _That woman_ -surely she's seen this by now. And dammit, why is he wondering if she would be proud of him?

"The entire galaxy has now seen that the Supreme Leader of the First Order cared more about saving his people than hiding his face. We've always had difficulty with our image. We're seen as brutal, cruel. But the first time you're _seen_ you saved First Order citizens, victims of a cowardly terrorist attack. Then you helped heal a doomed man. And, to provide just the right touch of humanity, you looked at the girl like she hung every star in the known universe. The net has exploded with support. This is the best thing to happen for the First Order since we took our first system." Kylo has grown distinctly unnerved by Hux's gleeful tone. The general seems almost _happy._

He knows he should share some of Hux's enthusiasm, that the general's analysis is correct. Objectively he can see that this _does_ play very well to the masses. But he can't shake how being so _exposed_ fills him with dread.

"But … my face …" he whispers, sounding as lost as he feels. He is Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren _is_ the mask. Without it …

Hux's eyes light even further. "The time for intimidation is over. That girl has changed _everything_. You should see what they're saying about her."

"What are they saying about Rey?" he asks dangerously.

The unholy light in Hux's eyes dims for a moment, but he rallies. "Nothing you would take issue with. Frankly, they love her. She's the Jedi princess who tamed the beast."

He doesn't like the idea of billions of people watching, thinking, _gossiping_ about _his_ Rey. They don't get to have _opinions_ about her. Though he supposes he rather likes that his citizens see how special she is.

Rey. He was going to try to see Rey today. Now he _needs_ to see Rey. He strides over to his fallen helmet and thrusts it over his face.

"Where are you going? We need to discuss how to leverage this to its fullest advantage," Hux says, his mood still disturbingly good.

"Do whatever you think is best. The entire galaxy knows what I look like now and I don't really care how we respond. I'm going to check in with Vitok Ren. Rey began her training with her this morning."

Hux's demeanor changes instantly at the mention of Vitok. "Very good, sir. I'm sure Vitok will do well by the girl." Hux's lips form a soft smile. Kylo has s seen more emotional range from his obnoxious second in the last fifteen minutes than he has in all of the previous years they've worked together. It is … _disturbing_. He has to get out of here.

It's not until he's stalking down the corridors that he realizes Hux called her Vitok instead of Vitok Ren.

* * *

Kylo strides into the knights' training room and finds Natan and Wylan sparring. He stops short, the waves of furious jealousy taking his breath away. He's not seen Wylan since he nearly crushed the life from him. Well, not with his own eyes. He remembers well the way his rival had behaved when alone with his beloved. A growl forms, low in his throat.

"You," he spits as he rushes Wylan.

Wylan is on his back, once again pinned by Kylo's superior power. He holds the hated man to the training mat but does not squeeze. He just watches him, breathing hard.

"Supreme Leader," Natan says quietly. "Wylan Ren has only recently been released from the med bay. Do you truly wish to take this course of action?" His voice is gentle, but there is strength running through his tone.

Kylo says nothing as he claws his way out of his pit of rage. He reminds himself that all Rey had told him was that she didn't like Wylan. She'd never revealed to him how vulgar Wylan had been. A week in the med bay was sufficient punishment for Wylan's actions on Vren and he wouldn't be able to explain a return trip to Rey. He relaxes his hold on Wylan and steps back, eyeing the man with a calculating gaze through his mask. No, he wouldn't be able to explain that at _all_.

Natan helps Wylan to his feet. Kylo wishes they weren't wearing their helmets. He wants to _know_ if Wylan looks afraid. He could dip into his mind, but Wylan was always rather good at deflecting invasions of that sort and would know in an instant if he attempted it.

Once Wylan is standing in front of him, straight and proud, Kylo orders, "You will not speak to Rey in the future."

"So she told you about our _conversation_? How she was at my side during my recovery?" Kylo is absolutely certain that this miserable excuse for a Knight of Ren is leering under his mask. His tone of voice is certainly smug enough to indicate it. Kylo's blood boils at the memory of Rey's small hand curled around Wylan's. He knows it was innocent, but he can't fully rid himself of the fury that _she touched him_.

Kylo grinds his teeth so hard he's surprised one of them doesn't crack. But he's certain neither Rey nor Vitok would forgive him if he kills this man, and he's already behaved poorly with Vitok. "She told me that you were rude and that she did not wish to see you again. As I said. You will not speak to her. In fact, you will not be in the same room with her."

"We couldn't have her wondering if she'd made the right choice, now could we, _Supreme Leader_."

His whole body tenses with the need to crash his fists into Wylan Ren's face and not stop punching until nothing remained but blood and bone. The distance between them disappears in two swift strides and Kylo holds his face inches from Wylan's.

Kylo's voice drops to a threatening hiss. "There is no choice to make, Wylan Ren. Do not test me or I _will_ kill you, Knight of Ren or no."

Natan glides over to Wylan, his tone beseeching. "Come, let us spar another time."

Wylan holds his body rigidly, refusing to back down. Natan lays a thin hand on his shoulder. Finally, Wylan nods curtly and the two knights exit the room, leaving Kylo alone in the empty training space.

Without his anger to fuel him, all he's left with is the knowledge that she's not here. He _needs_ her after having been so shaken by the knowledge that the entire galaxy has seen his face. Whispers of _Ben Organa_ beg for his attention but he pushes them away. He won't think about that.

He feels empty. Defeated. Will it always be like this? Being so close but never close enough?

He leaves the training room's floor littered with the remains of six sparring droids. If Rey doesn't like it, she can tell him herself.

* * *

The walk back to the bridge has calmed him. Well, that and the destroyed droids. Kylo stands by the large view screen, watching Eshara as they orbit slowly. Behind him, the usual hum of activity gives him a sense of normalcy. Hux will soon be pressuring him to order their return to the fleet, but he's not willing to leave until the terrorists on Eshara are caught. They may have their best people investigating, but that's not good enough for him. He wants to ensure that those responsible will _suffer_. Kylo intends to cut a swath through their organization that will be felt throughout the galaxy. He will make it clear to all sentient life that no one is safe from his vengeance. If you hurt Rey or cause her to be hurt, you die. Rey will be the safest person in all known space.

He misses her intensely. Waking with her yesterday had been sublime. He wants to hold her to him every night. He's trying to be patient, but she's so _close_. He thought he'd found a sort of aching peace after he'd hurt Kes. Keeping away from Rey, in a way, it was not unlike how he uses … _used_ his blade. Instead of drawing the knife along his arm, he'd punished himself by not seeing her. But now that she's shared with him everything he learned from violating Kes's mind and he's begun to make amends directly to the stormtrooper herself, he's having difficulty again. Giving Rey her _time_ feels less like penance and more like torture. He's having to rely on his own flawed self-control and he's not sure how much longer he can keep himself from her door.

If he could only have a few minutes with her, see her face … but no, he must wait _five more days_. When has time ever moved more slowly?

He wishes he still had the images of her. He knows he could request duplicates from the analysts, but he's certain that would anger Rey and he's managed to keep from inciting her temper recently. He'd like to keep it that way. Maker knows how long she'd shut him out for _that_ offense.

It's not as if he needs any help to imagine her features. Then he remembers … the holo from Eshara that is presently blaring across the holonet. He turns sharply from the view screen and strides to his office.

He brings up the holo and skips to the moment where he slips his arms around her. It is then that he pauses the recording, his eyes attempting to take in the entirety of _Rey_. Her eyes are drained, but her expression is tranquil. She's leaning into him and he can almost _feel_ the weight of her small body against his chest. He's shaken by the realization that she trusts him. There had been no hesitation when he'd wrapped her in his arms―just … _connection_. He's wanted her trust so badly, and there it is, writ along her peaceful face. The image ripples slowly and time ceases to have meaning as he gazes on her perfect features.

* * *

Watching the clip of Rey has centered him again. He takes his time walking back to his rooms, thinking about recent events. He really shouldn't have snarled at Vitok yesterday. It's growing a bit late, well past the dinner hour, but he finds himself heading to Vitok's quarters. He would like to speak with her, perhaps even apologize. He's eager to find out how Rey's first day went, anyway, and he walks faster.

* * *

"Supreme Leader!" Vitok exclaims, her eyes wide. She keeps the door halfway closed and her brow furrows and she looks to the side.

His lips twist into a frown beneath his mask. "You know I prefer you call me Kylo, Vitok. Is this because of how I behaved yesterday?" He is genuinely concerned that he's pushed her too far.

"What? No, uh, no sir. I know you were just worried about Rey." She comes a bit more into view. No wonder it had taken her so long to come to the door―she had obviously dressed quickly. Perhaps that's why she seems so furtive?

Kylo pulls off his mask. "About Rey … may I come in? I'd like to know how her first day of training went."

Vitok looks back into her rooms and she tenses. Kylo is growing very suspicious. Is Rey here? Is that why Vitok is behaving like this? Is she _hiding_ her from him?

"This isn't really the best time."

"Is she in there?" he accuses sharply.

"What? No!" She says it much too quickly and he's certain Vitok is keeping something from him.

"You're hiding someone. It's Rey, isn't it? She doesn't want to see me." Even _he_ can tell that his tone of voice has become petulant.

"For Maker's sake, man, have some self-respect." Hux's unmistakable voice carries through the partially open door.

"Hux?" Kylo asks in bewilderment. What the hell is Hux doing in Vitok's quarters?

Vitok sighs and opens the door completely. "Well, you might as well come inside now."

As he walks into her rooms, he's greeted with a decidedly mussed general. He's smoothing his uniform and his usually impeccable hair is sticking out all over the place. Kylo's eyes dart to Vitok and his brain comes to a stuttering halt as he realizes what her state of dress―of _undress_ ―actually _means_. Vitok and _Hux_? But …. she's … and he's … _Force_! Maybe Vitok will let him have that bottle of vicious brown liquor that is resting on the table before the couch.

Kylo looks at his general, and the man returns his stare with challenge in his eyes. Finally, Hux breaks the silence. "I suppose this makes us even."

Remembering the disastrous results of when Hux interrupted what _had_ been turning into the best night of his life, Kylo grumbles, "Only if I forced you to come to the bridge."

"What did you need?" Vitok asks quietly, in an obvious attempt to redirect the conversation.

He shifts his attention from _Hux_ ―of all the people to be in _Vitok's_ rooms―and focuses on his knight.

"I … I wanted to know how Rey's first day went," Kylo says hesitantly. He wants to focus on Rey, needing to stop the unwanted questions currently filling his brain.

"She did very well. Anything beyond that and you'll have to ask her. I won't be your go-between," she says sternly. "I won't help you spy."

Kylo huffs out a quick breath. "I'm not spying." He supposes he should care that Hux is witnessing him being dressed down by his subordinate, but he's barely keeping up as it is.

"I know, because I won't let you."

"Fine." His eyes move to settle on Hux, who has taken a seat and is reading a datapad. He's disturbingly comfortable in Vitok's quarters. How long has this been going on?

He looks back and forth between the confusing pair. He can't quite reconcile this new information and he stands there, dumbfounded, unable to make a decision on what to say, or even _do,_ next.

"Was there anything else, sir?" Vitok inquires dryly.

"No, no―that was all," he says, coming back to himself. "Enjoy your evening, Vitok … Hux."

He doesn't flee. He _doesn't_.

* * *

A/N: Thank you Juulna! This was a beast of a chapter, the longest I've ever written. Your comments and additions really knocked it into shape. And jackie_01! Thank you so much for betaing as well! You helped me hammer out something that was bothering me and gave me the extra boost of confidence I needed. Thank you both!

Thank you glorious readers. Thank you for understanding my absence last week. I'll try not to make a habit of it. Let me know what you think of this week's chapter in the reviews!


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N: A surprise update! I decided to split Monday's chapter.**

* * *

Kylo's mind is a whirl of unpleasant images as he walks briskly to his rooms. He could have gone his whole life knowing absolutely nothing about Hux's personal life. That he even has one is a shock. He refuses to contemplate Vitok. How did it even happen? Why didn't Vitok _tell_ him? Is it serious? He shivers as he remembers what he likely interrupted. No, not going to think about it.

Rey, instead he's going to think about Rey. She'd written him last night and he's hopeful that there will be another message waiting for him. Perhaps she will tell him about her training? He imagines how graceful she must have been, learning her first saber form. Surely she'll let him watch soon?

He's about to open his door when he hears a soft "Kylo." He turns quickly to find Rey coming down the hallway. His helmet is off in an instant.

She's wearing that ivory silk nightgown with the embroidered flowers. The one that _clings_. Since he first saw her wearing it, he's thought quite a bit about how it flows down her body.

He rips his gloves from his hands, stuffs them in his helmet and places the lot on the floor. He will _not_ give up the opportunity to know how she feels through that silk; he's wanted this too much. By the time he's standing again, she's almost to him.

He doesn't hesitate as he sweeps her into his arms. She responds eagerly as he kisses her forcefully, possessively. His hands roam along her back and the feel of her warm skin beneath the silk is _so_ much better than he'd imagined. The material is thin and sumptuous, the scant barrier between his hands and her naked body driving him mad.

She kisses him as if she's been denied her due; her lips moving against his make him feel like he's being _claimed_. Her hand comes up around the back of his neck and her fingers tangle in his hair. Then she's pulling it, tugging him down, encouraging him to kiss her neck. He happily obliges, kissing and nipping down the column of her throat until he reaches the juncture of her shoulder. He bites her gently, scraping her soft skin with his teeth. She moans, loudly, and the sound goes straight to his cock.

He's not quite sure how it happened, but now she's pressed back against his door. Oh Force, she's shifted so that his leg is between her thighs and she's grinding against him. Her nightgown is riding up and he can feel how hot she is through what must be just a scrap of fabric. He's hazy with lust, all that there is is Rey's lips and hands and his name chanted over and over.

As she had yesterday morning, she places his hand over her breast and he stills, looking into her eyes. "You're sure?"

"Yes, please yes. _Touch me_." Her voice is breathy and he's never been so turned-on in his life.

Her begging is all that he needs, he's palming her breast then rolling her nipple between his long fingers. He thrusts his tongue in her mouth, mimicking what he desperately wants to do with his cock. With each pass of his fingers across her needy breast, she bucks against him. She's so wet that he can feel her soaking through his trousers. It's all he can do to keep from dropping to his knees and burying his face between her thighs and drinking her in.

With one hand busy bringing Rey higher—he had no idea breasts could be so _sensitive_ —hepushes up the hem of her nightgown with the other. He strokes his fingers along her smooth thigh until his hand grazes the delicate lace of her under things. He lifts her, settling her heat against his aching hardness. Her legs wrap around him and now they're moving together, building a rhythm with only one goal in mind: this hunger must be sated. He knows he's been driven to near insanity from wanting her. The way she's panting and grinding against him makes him think she has, too.

He can't think, he can only move, feel, thrust, lick, kiss. His perfect love, he's never wanted anyone or anything the way he wants her. No, he _needs_ her. And she feels so damned good. He's kissing her deeply, moaning into her mouth when he hears it. Boots clanging along the corridor. The night patrol. He wants to scream out every obscenity he's ever known. He's so hard it hurts.

She hears it too and pulls back, her eyes frantic. She rips from his arms and dashes down the corridor, disappearing into her quarters before he even knows what's happening.

Kylo starts to follow, but the stormtroopers are getting closer. Hux seeing him like this was quite enough for him, so he quickly slips into his rooms. He leans back against his door, still breathing fast. He can't take it anymore. She was just in his arms, he can _feel_ her lips on his, taste her skin.

He groans as he notices the wet patch on his thigh. He doesn't stop to consider his actions, he's too far gone. He just rips open his trousers, pulls out his weeping cock, and starts stroking furiously. Oh yes, oh Maker _yes_. He closes his eyes and remembers how her trim body feels against his, how small she is when he holds her. The heat of her as she'd wantonly ground down on his leg, seeking her pleasure.

Wondering how it would feel to have her slender fingers replace his, he thrusts up into his fist. He should slow down, make it last, but he _needs_ this. Higher and higher he climbs, the tension building. Release, sweet release, he's so close.

"Kylo?" bursts into his head just as he peaks, thick ropes of his seed arcing onto the floor. He whimpers in embarrassment and long-denied relief.

"Oh!" she squeaks through the Bond.

He's panting, still leaning back against the door and he has no idea what to say. His cheeks burn and he just wants to crawl under a rock somewhere.

"Kylo?" she asks hesitantly.

He can't answer her. What must she think of him? Taking himself in hand like an adolescent with no control.

"Kylo?" she tries again.

There's nothing he can fathom to say so he remains silent.

"Kylo, it's alright. Uhm … I do it too."

That pulls him from his spiral of self-castigation. "You … you do?"

"Y-yes."

"So you aren't … offended?"

"Well, that depends. Were you thinking of me?"

"Of course!" He's a bit affronted that she would think otherwise.

"Good. Because I think about you, too." Wait. Is she saying what he thinks she's saying?

She pushes a gauzy memory through the Bond. Rey is touching herself while imagining him kissing her, his hands running along her body. Even though he's only just orgasmed, his cock twitches at the sight of Rey's hand buried in her core, hidden by her leggings. Then he realizes she's wearing her Resistance clothes in the memory …

"Even then, when we were apart?" he asks in awe. He'd hoped, _dreamed_ , but to find out that she's wanted him _back_ for all this time … Force, he wants to kiss her.

"Even then. It confused me, but I … I couldn't help myself."

"Oh Rey … I've wanted you for so long."

"I know … I have too," she says with a soft, sad tone. He wishes he could see her face.

"Why did you run?" he pleads through their connection.

"I was so scared of you, of everything you've done. You chased me across the gala—"

"No, Rey, I … I meant why did you run just now," he interrupts her, not wanting to delve into the deep divide between them. "We could have easily come into my rooms."

"Oh … right. I didn't think, I just didn't want them to see me like that. I … I've never acted like this. I didn't mean for it to go so far. But then I was in your arms and we were kissing ... I just missed you and wanted to say goodnight."

"I'm glad you did. Though… are you alright? It wasn't … too much?" He remembers how she'd trembled in his arms yesterday. He doesn't want her feeling like that again, especially alone.

"No, it was just right. I'm fine." He's relieved that she sounds certain.

"Do you want to come back?" he asks hopefully.

"I do, but I don't trust myself right now."

"I won't press, I just want to hold you." He tries not to sound like he's begging; he's not sure if he's successful.

"Have you noticed that that never works? We're like a spark and tinder, we can't help but catch fire."

He can't tell what she thinks about that, but he doesn't want to push her. "Alright, Rey. Soon, we will see each other soon."

"Yes, soon."

He's disappointed, but he understands. Maybe she'll make saying goodnight something she does regularly. He moves from his door, heading to his 'fresher. He's fairly certain he can shield her from seeing him cleaning himself up through the Bond. Perhaps she'll indulge him in conversation.

"How was training?" he asks casually.

"It was wonderful!" she gushes.

"Tell me, please."

"We started with saber forms and Vitok said she'd do research to find information on fighting with a double bladed lightsaber. She said my style is better suited to that type of weapon and that when I build my own I should consider that design." Her eagerness saturates the Bond and he can see her practicing in his mind's eye.

He can't wait to see how she blossoms. He listens to Rey tell him all about her training.

* * *

They've been talking for hours and he's lounging in his favorite chair, luxuriating in the feeling of her words forming in his head. He notes the time; it's very late. Much as he hates it, he knows she needs sleep.

"Rey, love, if you're going to be any use at all in training tomorrow you need to go to bed," he says through the Bond.

"Oh! I didn't notice how late it was. I lost track of time. You're right, but I don't want to go. I … I like this. Just talking like this."

"I like it too. Very much." He smiles.

"Through the Bond it makes it easier somehow, I don't get overwhelmed with … you know."

"Yes, I do know. Though I'm not entirely opposed to that." He wonders if she can perceive his smirk.

"Well, I'm not either. I just mean this was … nice."

"Yes, it was," he says quietly.

"Why didn't you talk to me like this before?"

He bristles immediately. He'd tried, oh how he'd _tried_ to get her to just talk with him. But she'd _always_ refused, spitting and hissing at him, calling him names and demanding actions he could not take. But he doesn't want to break the gentle give and take they've managed. He takes a deep breath and sends into the Bond, "I wanted to and I _did_ try. I didn't know how to engage you in a conversation like this. Besides, would you have let me?"

She's quiet for a long time. "No, I guess I wouldn't have. I … maybe before … maybe I was needlessly cruel. I do remember you asking me to talk and I always said no. I should have given you more of a chance. Maybe if I had ..."

He waits for her to finish her thought. When it becomes clear that she won't he offers, "Well, it's done now. What matters is that we're talking now."

"Yes … you're right. I'm glad we are."

"I'm glad, too."

There's another long silence and he senses Rey reaching out through the Bond. He responds in kind and as their energies merge it's almost like when they hold hands. They brush against each other and it's tender and oh how it soothes him.

"Okay, well … I guess I'll see you the day after tomorrow," she says regretfully,

He sits up quickly, hoping he hasn't misheard her. "What? I thought you wanted to wait a week before we next have dinner."

"I do, it will be a week in two days. I'm counting from when we ran into each other before Eshara. And I'm counting that day as the first."

He can't help but smile. She's obviously so eager to see him that she's bending her own rules. It fills him with the unfamiliar feeling of Rey _wanting_ to spend time with him. She's impatient to be with him again.

He chuckles lightly. "I see, well, I certainly won't argue with you. The day after tomorrow then."

"Goodnight, Kylo."

She lets him feel her emotions through the Bond. She's happy and the strength of her affection takes his breath away.

"Goodnight, sweetheart."

When he makes it to his bed, he falls asleep with a sense of peace he can't recall ever feeling before.

* * *

The next morning Kylo sits back in his chair in his office. He's in an incredibly good mood. Their little tryst outside his rooms followed by spending so much time speaking with Rey has quieted the grasping fear of losing her.

Tomorrow. He will see her tomorrow. He's about to bring up the holo from Eshara to watch yet again when his comm chirps.

"Sir, Palek Ren is requesting to speak with you from Coruscant."

"Patch him through, Lieutenant." Excellent, he hopes there is good news about Rey's mother, Lann Tren.

The hologram of Palek's large frame comes into view in front of his desk, his imposing helmet in place.

"Palek Ren," Kylo greets the quiet knight.

"Supreme Leader."

"Tell me what you've found. You had not had much luck the last time Jashad checked in."

Palek Ren shifts his weight from one foot to the other. "Well, I'm afraid to say that we're still not making much progress. There's quite a bit of ground to cover."

"Indeed. Any new leads?"

"One, on the other side of the planet. We're heading there tomorrow."

They've had to criss-cross Coruscant numerous times. "Are your credits holding up?"

"We've had to spend quite a bit in bribes," Palek says apologetically.

Kylo waves his gloved hand. It doesn't matter, "I'll have an additional 100,000 transferred. I don't want you delayed when a few more credits will get the job done."

"Understood, sir." Palek nods curtly.

"Good luck, keep me informed."

"Yes, sir."

Palek's image wavers then disappears. Kylo stands and goes to the viewscreen. Jashad and Palek Ren have been gone for nearly two weeks, he really had hoped they would have found Lann Tren by now.

* * *

He's in his sanctuary, methodically pulling out each piece of jewelry from his cabinet of gifts. He has them laid out on a low table. Though her rooms are full of clothing and other accessories, he'd kept the jewelry back. He will give each piece to her personally. Kylo wants his gift to be _perfect_. After over two weeks, she's finally letting him back in and he wants to mark the occasion.

There's a delicate pair of drop earrings with an ornate pattern and deep green stones. He thinks they would bring out her eyes so he sets it aside. Then he considers a set of simple bangles that he thinks would appeal to her tendency towards stark elegance. She doesn't usually select the more complicated gowns.

Then he sees it. Yes, this is perfect. He holds it up and imagines her face when she sees this. It is quite rare and he'd had it made for her specially. He puts it back in its box and returns the rest of the jewelry back to their cabinet.

He makes his way to his bedroom and lays the simple box on his bedside table. He runs his fingers along the gray velvet, satisfied with his selection. He hopes she'll permit him to have the first piece of jewelry he gave her repaired. The fact that she wears it every day pleases him, but he doesn't like that it's in pieces.

Kylo slips into bed and wonders if she will say goodnight. Then he feels it, she's brushing against him and he brushes right back. A tendril of her light curls within him and he sighs in pleasure and relief. He misses her so. He sends out his own seeking energy and they intertwine. He feels wrapped in contentment.

"Goodnight, Kylo," she sends through the Bond.

"Goodnight, Rey," he responds.

He falls asleep still tangled with his beloved.

* * *

"Sir, there is a troubling report from Sector 5," Hux says as he strides into Kylo's office.

Kylo looks up from the datapad he'd been reading, a summary of the status of the fleet. He suppresses a shudder at the memory of Hux straightening his uniform in Vitok's quarters. He's been avoiding Vitok, not knowing how to navigate their relationship now that he has this unwanted knowledge.

"Go on," he invites, welcoming the respite from the stultifyingly boring report.

"There has been no Resistance activity since the attack."

"Well, I'm sure they need to resupply."

Hux shakes his head. "No, sir. I mean _no_ activity. No chatter, no sightings. _Nothing_."

Kylo sets down the datapad and regards the general. "Are you saying that there is literally no sign of them? Not that they're simply lying low?"

"That's what I'm saying. We've heard nothing since the day after the attack." The usually unaffected general's eyes are wary.

"What was the last we heard of them?"

"Right after the attack, we intercepted several communications that are still being decoded, along with the a few from Ilaria. None of them appear to use the same encryption, so it's going to take time."

"So we don't know what we have, only that we have something from the Resistance. And nothing since then?"

"No sir, nothing, absolutely nothing. It's as if they just … disappeared."

Kylo sits back in his chair, not sure what to make of this news. Slowly, he asks, "And what of the spy?"

"Investigations are ongoing, but we've not found anything beyond the occasional minor offense. Nothing reconditioning can't handle."

Beneath his mask, Kylo flinches. He needs to look into making changes in the stormtrooper program. He's no longer certain that reconditioning is the best way to handle infractions. When he'd told FL-4359 that he would not be punished if he assisted him in saving the miners, the stormtrooper had worked tirelessly at his side and he'd sensed a depth of loyalty he'd not perceived before.

"Continue the search and keep me informed of any changes with the situation with the Resistance."

"Yes, sir," Hux says before leaving Kylo to his datapad.

He picks up the report on the fleet and returns to the dry recounting of supply lines and crew promotions but soon finds himself bringing up the stormtrooper regulations. That the Resistance has gone silent is disturbing, but there's nothing he can do about it. The stormtroopers, however … there he can act.

There are several hours until he will see Rey and this might be just what he needs to keep from bouncing out of his skin in excitement. He begins to plan.

* * *

Thank you Hannidae for stepping in to beta this chapter! I so appreciate the time and effort.

Thank you wonderful readers! I am always blown away by your kindness, insight, and humor. Thank you so much for the time you give my story.


	34. Chapter 34

**A/N: I made a wee change to chapter 13 for continuity. I changed when Ben and Orin met.**

* * *

Her door opens and he gasps when he sees her. She's wearing a midnight blue gown that shows her shoulders. The neckline dips very low, showing a mouth-watering amount of her creamy skin. Her hair is down with her loose curls tumbling down her back. The bundle of stones from her necklace is tucked between her breasts, the ribbon now black to compliment the dress.

"Rey, you're breathtaking," he says sincerely.

She smiles a shy little smile and self-consciously touches her hair. "Thank you," she murmurs.

She reaches out and takes his hand. He already has his helmet off, holding it next to him. She pulls him inside and he places his gloves and mask on his table. He pats the pocket of his trousers, ensuring her gift is still there.

He turns to her and places one hand at her waist and the other behind her neck. Gently he draws her close, kissing her softly. Though his body is clamoring for him to deepen the kiss, he wants to spend time with her, talk with her before they are captured by the wildfire of their connection. He kisses her one more time, then pulls back.

He looks down into her lovely eyes, they are wide and unguarded. He strokes his knuckles along her cheek. "I missed you," he breathes out.

"I missed you." She smiles up at him and he knows he's never been so happy.

"I already ordered dinner. Kes and I have tried everything, so I know a bit more of what I like now."

"I'm pleased. I look forward to seeing what you've selected."

* * *

Dinner had been perfect. They'd just talked, like they had over the Bond. No arguing, just sharing. He'd told her everything he knew about what had happened on Eshara and she'd drawn him into a discussion of the history of the Jedi. She'd clearly been doing quite a bit of reading during her time here.

They're just finishing dessert, a rich chocolate custard. Their hands are tangled together, resting on the table. It's a bit awkward for him, as he's not used to eating with his left hand, but he wouldn't change anything. He frequently draws his thumb along her knuckles, reassuring himself that she's here, that he's allowed to touch her. He's sitting adjacent to her, having wanted to be closer than being across from her would allow.

She has a bit of the chocolate cream on the edge of her lips. He beckons her with his free hand. "Come here, love."

She looks at him curiously, but she leans forward and he meets her, placing a sipping kiss on the corner of her mouth. "There. You had a bit of chocolate."

A coquettish smile blooms across her face. She dips her finger into the last of her dessert and dabs it on his bottom lip. She pulls his face back to hers and draws his lip into her mouth. He feels as her delicate tongue flicks out and swipes along his lip, ensuring she has it all. He can't help it, he moans. They look into each other's eyes and Rey's flicker with heat.

No, wait, he can't let this happen, not yet. There is something he must do first. He sits back in his chair and she starts to follow. He halts her with a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"You have no idea how much I wish to gather you in my arms and lay you back on the settee and do unspeakable things to you, but first … I have something for you."

She blinks and her hands go to her lap. She seems nervous.

He reaches out and tugs the bundle of stones from her broken necklace free from their hiding place between her gorgeous breasts. He's rather envious of this little pouch. "Now ... I would like to have this repaired, but I've noticed that you always wear it. This has led me to believe that you wish to wear something from me?" He knows it's a bit bold of him, but he thinks he's beginning to truly understand his lovely Rey.

She looks down and nods shyly.

"Then perhaps you will allow me to have your necklace repaired and wear this in its stead?" He reaches into his pocket and withdraws the box. It's the size of his hand and covered in a pale gray velvet. Holds it out to her and she gingerly takes it from him.

He notices that her fingers are trembling and he wonders why she's so nervous. He presumes it's because she's unused to gifts. She gently opens the box and his eyes are fixed on her face. She's all he wants to watch. Though he's fairly certain she'll like it, he's still a bit apprehensive.

Her eyes widen and she inhales swiftly. She looks up at him as if to ask for confirmation that this is for her. He smiles encouragingly. She pulls out the necklace and holds the pendant in her hand. It glows from within, having it's own light. It causes the gem to shine brilliantly with all colors of the spectrum. It's in a simple setting on a fine silver chain.

"It's so beautiful," she breathes out. "What is it?"

"It's called a rainbow gem, they're from Gallinore. They can, with some modifications, be used as the crystal for a lightsaber, should you wish it."

She simply holds it in her hand, watching how the subtle glow shifts slightly, causing the colors to dance.

"May I take the other necklace to have it repaired?" Kylo asks.

That pulls her from her trance and her other hand goes to the ribbon. "I … I"m not sure I want it fixed."

His brow furrows in confusion. "But …. That night, it was so difficult for you. I thought you wouldn't want to remember."

"But that's why I like it the way it is. It reminds me that the parts are all still there. You know it's hard for me to believe that you care for me …" He's about to correct her when she closes her eyes briefly and quietly says, "Love me."

Her fingers stroke the small pouch and she catches his eyes. "But this is the first gift you gave me. How you feel about me is in these stones. It reminds me that I can try to tear it apart, but they're still here. You're still here." Her voice becomes a whisper.

"Nothing you can do will _ever_ make me stop loving you." He stands and pulls her from her seat and wraps her in his arms. Not trusting himself to speak, he holds her closely, pressing his lips into her hair.

Once he masters himself he pulls back slightly and looks down at her. "You don't need to have it fixed if you don't wish to. Wear whatever necklace pleases you."

She's still holding the new necklace and she steps back but stays close. She lifts the gleaming gem and looks at it for a long moment. Then she closes her eyes briefly and takes a deep breath. "I would like to wear this … You have tried so hard to make me happy, to take care of me. Maybe …" She reaches out and takes his hand. "Maybe letting you have the other piece fixed … Well, it's not so very bad to let you take care of me … sometimes."

"No, not bad at all." His chest feels too small to hold the swell of devotion that swiftly fills him. His beloved is trying, truly trying to let him in. He's never felt such joy in his entire life. He pulls her to him by their joined hands and kisses her deeply. She returns his kiss with equal fervor.

He still wants to see her wear her gift so he ends the kiss then gives her one soft caress on her forehead, whispering, "I love you," against her skin.

They part so that she may remove the broken necklace. She reaches behind her and unties the ribbon. Her eyes take on a worried tightness.

"I'll take good care of it, I promise. Just as I intend to take good care of you," he vows.

Rey carefully places the little pouch in his hand and smiles. She looks into his eyes. "I know you will."

He gazes on her for a brief moment then swiftly goes to his table by the door. He places the treasured bundle of stones in his helmet with his gloves and returns to her.

"Now, let me help you with your new necklace."

"It really is gorgeous," she says fondly, holding the piece of jewellry up, watching how the light moves within the gem.

"It pales in comparison to its wearer."

Rey purses her lips. "Stop, don't say silly things."

"I'm not," he says in a low voice. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I wouldn't tease you about that."

She blinks up at him and tilts her head. "You really believe that, don't you?"

"Yes," he says simply.

He holds her eyes and draws his fingers across her cheek then cards them into her hair.

"Turn around," he murmurs.

She does as he asks.

"Hold up your hair," he breathes into her ear.

She shivers as she gathers her hair in her small hands.

He reaches around her and watches as the gem rests just where her breasts begin to swell. He clasps the necklace and remembers how he wasn't allowed to touch her the last time he assisted her in this task. But now, now he has her permission and he intends to touch her as often as he can. He trails his fingers along her collarbone. Force, her skin is so soft. He bends forward and kisses from the base of her neck down the slope of her shoulder while he runs his fingers up and down her arms.

She shudders and her breathing begins to speed up. She leans back into him and he wants to capture her lips with his, but he still has a question he needs to ask her so he gives one final kiss along her bare flesh.

He turns her around. The rainbow gem looks perfect with the midnight blue of her gown. "It suits you."

"Really? I don't know what I'm doing half the time. I still can't quite figure out several of the dresses."

"But you do try. Though it pleases me greatly to see you wearing the gowns, I did make sure there were many simple offerings."

That lovely blush stains her cheeks and he smiles. "I … I never had pretty things. Soft things. I know they're impractical, but I feel as if I'm in a dream anyway, why not dress as one does in dreams?"

There is a far away note to her tone that concerns him, but he doesn't wish to mar the evening. He takes her hand and brings her into her sitting room.

He pulls her down with him to the settee and she's soon curled into his side. He has his arms around her and she idly toys with the fabric of his tunic. He'd not worn his surcoat. He finds he prefers there be fewer layers between them. He bends down and nuzzles against her temple then presses a kiss there. She hums in contentment.

"I wanted to ask you something," he says softly into her hair.

"Hmm?"

"There's something special I want to show you, but it won't be on one of our days. It falls in the middle of the week."

She sits up and shifts so that she's looking at him. Her face grows serious and it makes him incredibly nervous. How is she going to change things now? Has he pushed too far?

She looks away and the silence stretches. Eventually she takes in a deep breath and catches his eyes. "I owe you an apology."

He blinks. That is not what he expected her to say. "For what?" he asks slowly.

"For all of the rules. It's not fair that I get to decide when we see each other. At first I needed to know you would respect my wishes, but … I think I took it too far. I don't want it to always be deals and arrangements. I don't want you to feel that my caring for you is so conditional. It wasn't right of me and I'm sorry."

"I …" he begins, but then he realizes he has no idea what to say. Is what she's said true? He supposes there was their original agreement that he not touch her in return for dinners. And she has been the one to decide when and if he may see her. But, he's also wronged her in so many ways. "I didn't mind."

"Maybe you should have."

"No … I see that I handled all of this … badly. If this was what you needed to feel safe with me then it was worth each sleepless night."

Her brows furrow and her eyes fill with pain. "You haven't been sleeping?"

"I never do, really, but it has been worse … recently."

"I'm sorry. I haven't been sleeping very well either." She again settles in his arms, laying her head on his chest and putting an arm around his torso. "Anyway, no more rules and agreements. I'd like it if you still give me time between seeing you, but if you need me, I'm here. I won't threaten you with not speaking to you again. I really am sorry."

He tightens his arms around her and he feels a lightness in his chest. He's no longer shut out. He may see her when he wishes. He lets out a shuddering breath, relief coursing through him. "Thank you," he whispers.

She nods into his chest and he runs his hand through her soft waves. He loves how her hair feels, it's fine and silky and the curls tangle around his fingers.

They sit quietly, simply enjoying being close when suddenly Rey asks, "Where are Jashad and Palek? I've seen Natan and Wylan in the training room, but not Jashad and Palek. I like them."

He stiffens at the mention of Wylan. "You've seen Wylan?" he growls.

"Don't be like that. He leaves as soon as I show up, it's almost like he's scared of me."

Kylo settles back down. "Good. I instructed him to never speak to you or be in the same room as you."

"Maker, you're so dramatic. But in this case I don't mind because he's awful. But you still haven't answered my question."

His words are stuck in his throat as he realizes he never asked her if it was alright to keep looking for her mother. He hadn't been allowed to speak with her and he hadn't really thought. He cringes and hopes the evening isn't about to be ruined.

"They're following a lead on your mother."

"What? I thought you found her."

"She wasn't where Qree last saw her. She'd left the convent and gone to Coruscant. I sent Jashad and Palek Ren to find her. I'm sorry I didn't ask you, but you weren't speaking to me then. I wanted you to be able to decide to see her."

"Oh."

She's very still in his arms. "Are you angry with me?"

Rey stays silent. He shifts her so that he may see her face. It's worryingly blank.

"Love?" he prods.

She blinks and her eyes focus on him. "No, no, I'm not angry. I was just realizing that that means she's probably back on the spice."

"Yes, I'm sorry."

She looks away. "It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters!"

Rey only shrugs.

"Talk to me, please."

"What is there to say? That I hoped she might have wanted me once she was off that stuff?" Her eyes meet his and the stark pain he finds cuts him deeply. "That I wondered if she had tried to find me? That I thought I might be able to build something with her? What good is any of it. I'm trash, I'll always be trash."

"No!" he says fiercely, holding her face with both of his hands. "Listen to me. You are _not_ trash. You are brilliant and bold, strong and fierce. No one can compare to you. _No one._ You … Maker, Rey … it's not your fault your mother left you. There's nothing wrong with you, nothing. Do you hear me? Please, please, hear me."

A tear slips down her cheek and her eyes look young and lost. "Then why did she go?" she asks in an impossibly small voice.

He draws his thumbs along her cheeks. "Because she was weak and selfish. None of what happened to you is your fault and it in no way reflects your worth. Please tell me you understand how special you are."

"I … I know you think I'm special."

He'd prefer she see herself as he does, but perhaps he's pushing for too much. He decides to try a different tactic.

"Do you know that I love you?"

"Yes," she whispers.

"I've never loved anyone before, I never wanted to. But you burst into my life like a supernova, blinding me with your intensity. You are special, so special. To _me_."

He soothes his hands along her back, wanting to comfort her. She kneads at his chest as is her custom. But then she draws back and her eyes are dark with an emotion he can't define.

"Do you really love me?"

"Yes, oh Rey, yes."

"Tell me."

"I love you."

She surges up and kisses him passionately, wrapping her arms around his neck. Her kiss is so demanding, like she's trying to draw his love from his essence. She rips her lips from his, panting.

"Again," she demands.

"I love you."

"Yes," she hisses, then she's attacking his neck, pulling his tunic down. She's never been like this and Maker, he _likes_ it. Her sharp little teeth nip at the soft flesh at the juncture of his shoulder and he moans as desire curls low in his abdomen.

She encourages him to lie back on the settee and she's hitches up her dress and straddles him. His hard length strains against his trousers, pushing against her center. She's so hot and he's desperate to know how she'd feel around him.

"Tell me," she begs as she purposefully rolls her hips, causing her core to drag along his cock and his eyes roll back in his head.

"I love you," he pants, thrusting up against her.

"I love you." He grips her hips with his large hands.

"I love you" He pulls her down with each desperate push against her heat.

Her eyes gleam with hunger and he gasps as she pushes her gown down to her waist, now beautifully bare to his gaze. Her rosy nipples beckon him and he sits up, pulling her to him. He takes one hard point into his mouth while he rolls the other between his long fingers. She continues to grind herself against him and he's losing his mind with how incomprehensibly good she feels.

She cries out as he sucks and bucks against his cock. Stars she's _incredible_. He's foggy with desire. He's never experienced this before, all of this touching, licking, kissing. Only for Rey. Only _with_ Rey. He loves the feel of her pebbled nipple in his mouth, the way it swells. It's so satisfying to hear how she moans when he sucks on her flesh. As he shifts to her other nipple, eager to give both breasts his attention, she pulls at his tunic then grumbles in frustration at it.

"Off!" she insists.

He pulls back from his delectable task and quickly removes his tunic, throwing it to the floor. Then she's pushing him back kissing him fiercely as she rubs her breasts against his chest. It's overwhelming, the feeling of so much of their skin touching and his whole body shudders.

Suddenly, he needs to slow down. He must experience this in its totality, let it in, let it consume him. His skin is humming against hers, each place they touch feels like home. It's the perfect juxtaposition of comfort and lust. It's as if he's found the physical embodiment of loving her. He feels like he's merging with her. He wraps his arms around her and holds her as close as he can, gentling their kisses.

She breathes in his ear, "What is it?"

"I just want to feel you like this. Just for a moment."

She shifts so that she can look into his eyes. "Are you alright?" The frantic lust is quieting.

He pauses, because he isn't, not precisely. He's too full of loving her, there's too much sensation. His eyes are pricking and he's horribly confused.

"I just love you so much, Rey." His voice breaks on her name.

She strokes his hair back. "But there's something else."

He can't speak so he shakes his head. He has to blink back tears. Maker, what's wrong with him? The torrent of feelings is subsiding and he takes in a quavering breath. Her hazel eyes are full of worry and warmth and he feels so safe.

"I was overwhelmed. I've never felt anything like this, when we touch …" He doesn't have the words to describe how it feels to be pressed skin-to-skin.

"I understand. You don't have to explain. I understand."

He smiles at her softly. She's the only person who could understand all he has inside. Removing a hand from her back, he trails his fingers along her cheek and she catches his hand, turning it over. She presses a tender kiss to his wrist and begins to work her way along the sensitive skin of his inner arm. But then she stops and stares.

"Kylo, what's this?" she asks shakily.

He looks down and sees the fine red lines, the healing evidence of when he'd used the dagger in the training room. He closes his eyes tightly. He'd hoped to hide this from her. When he opens his eyes he finds her face full of concern.

"It's what it looks like." His tone is dull.

She looks at him as if she's trying to decipher a complicated code. Then she sits back and the loss of her skin against his _hurts_. She pulls her gown up then she lays down with him. His arms instantly curl around her, holding her tightly.

"You said you'd try to stop." Now her eyes fill with hurt.

"And I did try. I only did it once," he says defensively.

She brushes her fingers along the healing wounds. "Why do you do it?"

He sighs heavily and looks away. "I've told you. It helps."

"What did it help, what made you do it?"

He remembers that it was knowing she'd seen Wylan and everything he'd done after the madness had taken hold. This is very dangerous ground. He can't tell her what he did to Kes but he doesn't want to lie to her. He hopes that his lie of omission and broken promise will be the last and only time he is anything less than completely honest with Rey. He remembers how Han Solo was always spinning tales, chipping away at Leia Organa's trust. He won't do that to Rey.

Finally he admits, "I was having difficulty staying away from you."

Her beloved face crumples and it twinges his heart. "It was me? I made you do this?"

"No, I … I wouldn't put it like that. It was me, my inability to control myself."

"But … when you're with me, you don't … you seem to be able to control yourself just fine."

He moves his hand from her back and cups her face. "You … help. You make me feel whole."

"How do you feel when I'm not with you?"

"Like I'm being torn apart. I need you. All the time. I need you."

"Oh, Kylo …" Now her hand comes up and holds his face.

He looks away, suddenly embarrassed by his weakness.

"When did you start hurting yourself?" she asks as she moves her hand from his face and begins to stroke her fingers through his hair.

Kylo doesn't want to talk about this and he keeps his mouth firmly shut, staring at the ceiling, trying to ignore how good it feels as she soothes him.

"Please, I want to understand. I care about you … more than I've ever cared about anyone. I can't stand you being hurt, and that you're the one hurting yourself … please tell me." She draws her face close to his and her eyes plead with him. Those damned eyes ...

He steels himself for visiting the past and finally says, "At the Academy. I was 11."

Her eyes widen, but that's the only sign that she's surprised. "What made you start?"

"I was angry … sad. I hadn't wanted to come to Skywalker's little school. But … there was an _incident_ and Mo-Leia Organa decided that it was _necessary_. That she had no choice. And of course, Han Solo was _thrilled_ to see the back of me."

"What happened?" she asks, but her face has shifted and he can't decipher her expression.

His body stiffens and he says gruffly, "I don't want to talk about it."

Rey places her hand over his heart and the feel of her palm against his bare skin grounds him. He breathes in and out, calming himself.

She cocks her head and strokes his chest with her fingers. "You say that you want us to give ourselves to each other. That you want to know me. And I want to know you. This is what that looks like. Talking about the things that are hard. Please tell me."

He knows he will tell her. He knows he will eventually tell her anything she wishes to know. He closes his eyes briefly before beginning.

"I was with my mo-," He stops himself and huffs angrily. "I was with _Senator Organ_ a and another senator was hurting her, trying to kiss her. She was struggling against him, trying to push him away. "

The vile man had said that if she'd spread her legs for a common thief then the crown prince of wherever he came from should be more than enough for her. Kylo didn't really understand what he'd meant at the time, Kylo just knew he was hurting her. He remembers the dark swirling within him, his anger, his hatred. He'd reached out, thinking that he _had_ to stop this man. He'd _squeezed_ , so satisfied by the choking sounds of the horrid man who'd hurt _that woman_. He should have let him do it … no, he doesn't wish that. He wouldn't change anything, even knowing what it had cost him.

"I stopped him with the Force and apparently that was wrong. I was shipped off to Unc- to Skywalker the next day."

Rey sighs and says, "Leia told me about this."

"I'm sure she did," he says derisively.

"Please don't do that. We need to be able to talk about this, your family, everything. We can't do that if you bristle every time they come up. Leia matters to me. She's the first person who ever gave me a home."

"I would have given you a home," he says softly.

"I know. But we're not talking about that right now. Please … try to be civil about your mother."

"She's no-"

"Yes, she is! You need to get used to me talking about her like that. For almost a year I heard stories about her son, _Ben_. Please. We'll never get anywhere if you lose your temper whenever we talk about her."

His fingers clench, holding her hip a bit too tightly. He forces himself to relax, he doesn't want to bruise her. He takes a deep breath. "Fine. What did _she_ have to say about it?"

Rey shifts until she's hovering over him, looking in his eyes. "She said that if she hadn't sent you to Luke's Academy you would have been brought up on charges. The other senator was going to push for you to be imprisoned until you were 18. To avoid this, she agreed to vote with him on an upcoming bill, convince others to vote against it, and send you away. He even stipulated that she not contact you for the first year so that you would 'learn your lesson'."

Kylo blinks furiously. Why didn't she tell him? He thought she'd just abandoned him … if he'd known. No, he won't think about that. He _can't_.

Rey tucks a bit of his hair behind his ear. "She never told you because she didn't want you to feel guilty. I guess it was a bill she'd worked hard on and you'd helped her campaign. She didn't want you to know that she was going to sabotage it to keep you free."

The sentients' rights bill. He'd made a presentation at school, gone with her to rallies. It's one of the many reasons he's so angry with her. She'd let it drop and never reintroduced it. And now he knows it was to protect _him_.

"But … she never _warned_ me that she wouldn't be speaking to me for a year. We were so close and then nothing. I thought she _hated_ me for what I'd done." He remembers waiting eagerly for a message from her. All the other children heard from their parents, even received packages. But there was _nothing_ for him. By the time she contacted him he was used to her silence and too angry to write back. It wasn't until she came to visit that he'd resentfully responded to her missives.

"No … No, Kylo. She never hated you. That senator, he wanted her to suffer. He'd also stipulated that you not be told. She was going to try and get something to you, some sort of explanation, but she discussed it with Luke. He thought it would actually be good for you to make a clean break. He was concerned that you were too dependent on her."

"Dependent? Hardly. She was far too busy for me to be dependent on her."

"But … you only talked to her before the Academy, right?"

His jaw works furiously. He doesn't like talking about this. He wants to push Rey away, make this conversation stop. But then she's nuzzling against his cheek and stroking her fingers through his hair and he's taken by waves of sensual bliss. He finds her lips and kisses her, needing to push out everything she's shared. He kisses her and kisses her and soon there is only _Rey_.

Then he feels her pull back slightly. No! He doesn't want to go to this place, even with Rey. But she's encouraging him to bury his face in her hair as she holds him tightly.

"I know this is hard for you."

He shudders against her neck. He keeps his face hidden as he says, "Yes, I only talked to her. But it didn't matter. _I_ didn't matter. She never had time for me, neither of them did. The only friends I had were sycophants, wanting my attention because of who my parents were. But I promise you, she wasn't with me for enough time for me to grow _dependent_ ," he says bitterly.

"For what it's worth, your mother knows she made mistakes. She knows she neglected you. She said that she told herself that she would make it up to you later. But later never came. I can tell you when she spoke of you her eyes were full of regret."

He doesn't want to know this. It's defined his life that his parents wanted nothing to do with him. It's getting to be too much and he starts to breathe quickly, his heart rate increasing.

"Alright, alright. We won't talk about that anymore."

She lays her head on his chest and he holds her close. They're both quiet for a long time. She's warm and comforting. He begins to feel more in control.

Rey shifts to again look at him. "So you first … cut yourself when you were 11."

He sighs. He'd hoped they were done with this, but he still hasn't explained properly. "Yes."

"What happened?"

"I … It was before Orin."

"Orin?"

"Demyan … when we were boys, his name was Orin."

"Like you were Ben."

"... Yes."

"And?"

"Everyone either thought I would be a Force prodigy or was only there because I was Skywalker's nephew. I wasn't allowed to be me. I never wanted to be a Jedi."

"What did you want?"

"I … I wanted to be a senator, like my … like my mother."

"Oh, Kylo." Her eyes fill with sorrow and it makes him irrationally angry.

"Don't pity me!" he spits.

"Shhh, don't. Don't do that." She holds his eyes and the anger leaves as quickly as it was upon him. He nods. "Please keep going."

"It was the fourth delivery day with nothing from my … parents. I'd been there for two months. Wylan noticed and he was _merciless_. He had me convinced that they despised me. And perhaps he always knew, knew that I was … what did you say? Rotten? Despicable?"

Rey gasps and her eyes are boring into his before he even knows what's happened. "No. No, I never should have said that. I was wrong. There's so much more to you than I ever imagined. The way you touch me, look at me. How hard you're trying. You aren't rotten. You aren't despicable." She's stroking his hair again.

He shrugs. "I have certainly done rotten and despicable things." He trails his fingers up and down her back. "I've never felt like I fit in my own skin and I hurt so much. One day I hid a knife from dinner in my sleeve and once I was alone … I gave the pain form."

He remembers how he'd hidden away in one of the meditation rooms late that night. He'd looked at the knife for a long time before finally holding it to his skin. He'd hated the smooth, perfect surface. Nothing about him was unblemished like that swath of pale skin. He'd wanted to mar it, mark it, make it ugly like him. Even then he'd known something was wrong with him. Everyone sensed it, kept away from him.

So he'd dug the knife into his arm and ripped into his skin. The blood had welled up and the pain felt like freedom. As the blood oozed out of the wounds he'd felt like poison was leaking from him. The agony inside quieted.

"Control. It's about control."

"I suppose. I've never really thought about it." And now that he is, he's certain it's about more than that, but he's not ready to talk to her about it.

"You've been hurt so much by everyone around you … at least this way you get to decide," she says, nodding to herself.

Perhaps that's part of why he does it. He just knows it helps him. When destroying something doesn't work, his blade always does, Until Rey. He has no defenses against the way she can hurt him.

She pushes herself along his body and kisses him tenderly. It's a quiet kiss, but it goes on. Soft. Healing. Rey breaks the kiss and holds her cheek against his. He tightens his arms around her, needing her close. He feels the silk of her gown and the warmth of her body. Maker, he _needs_ her.

Then she lifts her head and holds his gaze. She looks like she wants to say something. "What is it, Rey?"

She looks down for a moment before raising her eyes to his. They're liquid with something warm and giving and he wants to fall into them never to surface.

Rey holds his face with her hand. "If … if it wasn't for the Bond … I think I would love you."

The twin sentiments war for dominance in his brain. He wants to hear that she loves him, but she's justified it with the Bond, so he says nothing. He almost wishes the Bond had never happened. She hides behind it, uses it to deny what he knows is between them. He looks away and lets his face go blank.

Her eyes fly open in alarm. " _Please_ , I didn't mean to hurt you. I … I'm _sorry_. I only meant …I wanted to tell you how much I care, how much you mean to me … I don't know what other words to use for how I feel about you. But the Bond, it confuses everything."

"Then let it go, Rey. Just love me. Please love me." Force, he sounds so pathetic, but he doesn't really care.

Her eyes search his face and she sips a kiss from his lips. "Stay with me tonight," she breathes against his mouth.

Has she really asked him to stay with her? Perhaps more than joining his body with hers he has wished for this. He knows that to hold her throughout the night, intentionally, will be perfection. He pushes away the confusion her almost-confession has stirred in him. He just wants to hold her for the rest of their lives. Every night, he wants to feel her flush against him.

"Yes, love, yes."

* * *

A/N: Thank you Hannidae for her awesome beta skills! She's simply marvelous.

Thank you splendiferous readers. You are all simply superb and I so appreciate every hit, follow, favorite, and review. Space Cupcakes for everyone!


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N: Please note there is mention of rape in this chapter. No one was assaulted, no one will be assaulted, but it is discussed as a concept.**

* * *

Rey takes him by the hand and pulls him to her bedroom. He's not quite sure this is really happening. He's napped with her, slept with her in her sitting room, but somehow this is different. She's inviting him into her _bed_.

She pushes him down until he's sitting. She goes to the wall of drawers and pulls out something cotton. She stills and he's filled with apprehension. Will she change her mind?

Turning around, she gazes at her feet. Finally she looks up and says "I didn't think about sleepwear. Do you need to get something from your quarters?"

"No, this is fine." He will happily sleep in just his trousers. He worries that if he goes to his rooms the spell will be broken.

"Oh, okay … good."

She doesn't meet his eyes as she slips into the 'fresher with her nightgown in hand.

He bounces his knees, not sure where this anxiety is coming from. He's yearned for this, but he's afraid to take this step. If she withdraws from him _again_ after this …

No. He will recover, rally as he always does. Besides, she'd said she won't shut him out again and she's given him no cause to doubt her. He hopes this is the right thing to do.

He hears the door to her 'fresher open and he twists his head to see her. She stands in the doorway and her nightgown reaches the floor. It seems to float around her, giving her an ethereal appearance. She's brushed her hair, removing the evidence of having been ravished. She looks untouched and it fills him with a surge of possessiveness. She is his, she will only _ever_ be his. She's looking down again and he goes to her.

Kylo places two fingers under her chin and tips her face up so that she's looking up at him. "You don't need to be nervous."

"I-I'm not," she says stubbornly.

"If you'd like me to go, I will. I don't want to press you." He has to force the words out, knowing it's the right thing to say but terrified she'll decide she wants him to leave.

She rolls her eyes and captures his hand, pulling it from her face. "It was _my_ idea." Her confidence wanes, leaving her expression cautious. "I know that we've slept side-by-side before, but …"

"This feels different. I know. I feel it too." He reaches up and strokes his fingers through her hair.

Her lips form a small smile and her eyes crinkle with mirth. "So you've said."

"What?"

"On _Starkiller_. You said that. I wasn't sure what you meant."

"Ah. Yes, that." He remembers how self-assured he'd felt then, so _certain_ of their relative positions. But oh how she'd taken control, turning him into the supplicating suitor. "I meant … I think the Bond may have already been swirling. I felt drawn to you, connected to you. I … I hoped you felt the same," he says wistfully.

"I did," she says quietly and another piece of the puzzle that is their history slides into place. From the moment they saw each other, there was nothing either could have done. They're magnets, twin stars caught in each other's gravity.

She tried so hard to deny it, but he was right, they've always been meant to be together. And now she's _admitting_ it. She draws her thumb across his palm; he treasures how she seems to always want to touch him, now.

But he meant it when he said he wouldn't press. "Do you want me to go?"

Her fingers spasm around his. "No!" she says quickly. "No, I don't want you to go."

"Then I won't." He pulls her hand to his lips kisses the back of her hand softly, holding her eyes.

"May I use your 'fresher?" he asks, needing a moment; he's not even sure why.

"Of course."

He leans forward and drops a kiss on her forehead then slips past her.

Once the door is closed he looks at himself in the mirror. His hair is a mess and he smiles. She does seem to like to run her fingers through it. He hopes she never stops. Her scar shows in stark relief against his pale face. He doesn't really notice it any longer, but right now he's looking at himself as she might. His expression shifts, his lips pulling down, as he notices all of the marks littering his torso. She's seen him without his shirt twice now. She's not said anything, but he wonders if they bother her.

His eyes go to his arms, and he notices how there are dozens of fine lines marring the skin there. He's used his blade for over 20 years now, so he shouldn't be surprised at the quantity. He's never really paid any attention to the marks that he leaves. He rarely has them seen to, only when he's taken it too far. The past is calling for him, written out on his skin. There are the earliest scars, faded with time, then layered on top are newer, sharper markings.

Every line has a reason and a sick temptation to catalogue each moment of despair, each night of wrenching pain pulls at him. He smooths his fingers along his forearm and notices an odd patch of perfect skin where she'd healed him. The past is pushed away by Rey as he remembers how frantic she'd been.

No matter what she says, how she qualifies and justifies her feelings, he knows that she cares for him, possibly deeply. His eyes close as he remembers how he'd begged her to love him. She makes him _wretched_. He shakes his head. Rey is waiting.

He leans over the sink and splashes his face with water then dries it efficiently. He takes one last look at his long face and dark eyes before returning to Rey.

She's already in bed when he comes through the door. The blankets cover her lap and her fingers twist together. He sits on the bed, facing her and takes her hands in his.

"You don't need to be nervous. I promise."

"I know. I _do_ know." She lifts her hand and trails her fingers along his cheek and he leans into her touch. "I've just … when we fell asleep together the other night it was an accident. I … I've never purposefully spent the night next to another person."

"Neither have I. But I want to. I want to hold you all night."

Her eyes gleam with a hopeful sheen and he's again reminded of how little affection she's received. He's going to make sure that she knows—with every fiber of her being—that she is loved, absolutely. He will make her so full of his devotion that she won't even remember Jakku.

Then she takes her hand from his and pushes him, encouraging him to stand. He obliges and she pulls back the covers, inviting him to join her. He takes a deep breath and does just that as she shifts until she's lying on her side.

He faces her, leaving two hand breadths between them. She makes a funny little face and pulls him closer until he's almost touching her. He looks into her eyes and finds them open and trusting. She puts her hand on his shoulder then dances her fingers up and down his arm.

"I'm glad you're here. I … used to think about this … before. That night, when I came to you through the Bond. All night I imagined you holding me."

"I have fallen asleep to nothing but that dream for nearly a year," he admits.

He hesitates, then puts his arm around her, pulling her flush against him. He kisses her gently, trying to infuse his actions with adoration, not lust. It would be too easy to lose themselves and take this too far. Somehow, this is a deeper intimacy. Two lost souls far too accustomed to a solitary existence trusting one another to guard their sleep. The enormity of her invitation bears down on him and he ceases kissing her, leaning his forehead against hers.

"You mean … you mean more to me than I can ever possibly explain. Do you know that? Do you understand?" he asks fervently, holding her face.

"I … I'm beginning to."

"Good … good."

They stay like that for a long time, him holding her face and their foreheads touching. She opens the Bond and lets the connection surge through them. He's tempted to sink into her consciousness, find out her true feelings, but he doesn't push. She's been more willing to allow the Bond to flow and he suspects it's because he hasn't taken advantage.

He rolls to his back and she settles against his side, her head on his chest. He gathers her as close as he can and they both sigh as the Bond weaves around them.

He turns off the lights with the Force and she wraps a leg over his. He kisses the top of her head and murmurs, "I love you. Goodnight."

Her hand clutches at his chest and he feels her breath across his skin as she whispers, "Goodnight."

* * *

Slowly he stirs. It takes him a moment to remember that he's in Rey's bed. His arms tighten around her reflexively and he smiles a lazy smile. They'd not moved all night. She's still draped over his chest and her little huffs of breath almost tickle. She's still asleep and he idly strokes her hair.

He looks at her ceiling and tries to believe he's been allowed this gift. It was everything he'd hoped for, falling asleep with her in his arms. Waking with her at his side. He wants, needs, _craves_ , this to be his life. There are plans already drawn up to combine their quarters. It's far too soon, of course, but it feels deliciously close.

It feels like it's still early and he cranes his neck to check the time. Just as he'd thought, there's no need to wake her yet. He relaxes back into the joy of holding _Rey_ and dozes. Nothing could ever be better than this.

* * *

Her stirring brings him from his light sleep. He opens his eyes just as she lifts her head and they're gazing at each other.

"Hello," he says.

"Hello."

"Did you sleep well?" he asks as he strokes his fingers along her cheek.

"Better than I have in a long time." Her eyes take on a vacant look as if she's remembering something and he recalls what he found in her mind that fateful day. He still feels an ugly shame for everything he took from her on _Starkiller_. He would give anything to be able to go back to Takodana. He would extinguish his saber, deflect all her bolts until her blaster was drained. Then, he would have removed his mask and just talked with her. Maybe he'd have simply taken her hand and run. Somehow he's certain the Bond would have formed no matter what. But it doesn't do to dwell on what might have been. All he can do is make amends for how he has hurt her. She's looking at him expectantly and he realizes he must respond.

"I didn't know I could sleep so well. Perhaps we should make a habit of this," he says lightly, hiding how much he needs to know that this night has meant to her just a fraction of what it has meant to him.

A bright smile blooms on her face and she answers, "Perhaps we should."

Then she rolls away from him and takes a drink of water from the glass by her bed. She wordlessly holds it out to him and he takes it from her, drinking deeply. He reaches over her to return it to its place.

Before he's laid back down she's already snuggling up to him and he smiles. He's certain he's smiled more in the time she's been with him than he has in his entire adult life. It's been almost a month since he found her and he almost laughs at himself. He'd thought he'd be here within days. Now that he has a better understanding of who Rey _is,_ he sees that he had no idea what it would take to win her heart and he's grateful she allows him to try.

He wants to ask her if she'd meant it last night when she'd said she thinks that she loves him, but her caveat of the Bond makes him keep his silence. He smooths her hair back and holds her close.

He glances down and suddenly he needs to kiss her. He rolls them both until she's on her back and he's to her side, his face hovering over hers. She gives a little squeak of surprise and he swallows it with his mouth, kissing her. It's a slow kiss, meant for indolent mornings. Then he pulls her lower lip into his mouth and sucks gently before slipping his tongue into her mouth. She sighs her contentment as he continues his leisurely exploration.

* * *

His office feels cold and sterile. It had been nearly impossible to pull himself from her bed. Spending the night with her in his arms was beyond anything he'd ever experienced. He's never slept so well or so long and he can still smell her scent. He'd purposefully not taken a shower so that _she_ would cling to him.

* * *

It's been two days and he's desperately confused. Each evening she says goodnight, and she'd seemed almost sad when she'd last reached out to him. However, she's not invited him back and he's not sure if he's meant to ask her to dine with him or wait. She'd asked he give her time between visits but she'd not specified how _much_. He just wants to know what's expected of him!

Ever since he left her that morning, he's been constantly battling his memories. It's as if his brain is trying to assimilate what Rey had said about _that woman._ He doesn't want to think about it, but he can't seem to stop. It makes him question and he hates to question himself. It makes him look back, something he's loathe to do. Of course, even if everything Rey told him was true, it still doesn't remove her greatest sin: keeping his grandfather from him.

He tries to focus on his hate, but it slides out of focus. He wishes he didn't know that Leia Organa had been trying to protect him. It muddles everything.

His office door opens and Hux strides in. "Supreme Leader."

"What is it," he hisses.

The general blinks but continues. "We've been orbiting Eshara for _days_. Nothing has been discovered, I believe it's time to move on. We do have the meeting of the generals convening soon."

"I don't wish to leave until we've found Shar Faen. Rey nearly _died_ because of them."

"I understand that, but we have our best people investigating. As soon as they've found something we will come back to oversee … punishment," Hux says tightly.

He glowers. He doesn't want to leave until he's certain the scum who caused Rey to collapse have been brought to justice. But he can't ignore the truth that his attention would be better spent elsewhere. Maker, he hates being Supreme Leader some days.

There is another reason to move on. His plans for Rey's birthday are far closer to the fleet's current position. He already knows Hux is going to pitch an absolute fit when he tells him he intends to be away from the _Finalizer_ for two days. He can't even imagine the annoyance if he needed the four it would take from Eshara.

"Fine. Return us to the fleet."

Hux's eyes widen. "Really?"

"Yes, _really_. Isn't that what you wanted?" Kylo asks testily.

"Yes! I will have us underway within the hour." The general is annoyingly eager.

"Excellent," Kylo says with a flat tone.

He almost screams when Hux hovers. "There is one other item."

"Of course there is."

"Sector 5 has been able to crack the encryption on one of the messages we intercepted from Ilaria. I think it might be of … interest to you."

"Send it along," he says, bored and frustrated.

"I do think this will be of some importance."

"Then I will be sure to give it my _utmost_ attention," he snarls.

"As you say, Supreme Leader."

* * *

The message sits for hours while he broods. Finally he brings it up because he has nothing better to do. His breath catches in his throat as he sees _that woman's_ face resolve in front of him.

She's bedraggled and her long hair has almost escaped its complicated style. Her head is bent forward and her face hidden in shadow. Eventually she looks up and he detests the twinge of concern he feels when he takes in the long gash along her forehead. He shuts away all the memories her once-loved face evokes. She's sitting at a desk of some kind, clearly on a ship.

She focuses her eyes on the recording device and they're swimming with defeat and brimming with tears. "It's happened," she whispers. "He got her. He finally got her. She even told me she knew that he would. She was resigned to it, really. I tried everything I could think of to keep her safe but once he became Supreme Leader ..." Leia wipes her eyes quickly.

Kylo scoffs. _She_ always was so dramatic. As if he would ever hurt Rey.

"Oh Luke, she's been terrified. She's so _tired_. She's been fighting the Bond with everything she has, but I know she was cracking. When she'd break down and let him in ... She would always come to me afterwards. Sometimes she was distraught, full of shame. I tried to make her understand it wasn't her fault, but I could never help her _see_ that. Other times she was quiet, pensive. That's when we would talk about who Ben used to be. She wanted to know everything about him. I don't know if it was the right thing to do, but I would indulge her, tell her about Ben's childhood. It was honestly such a relief to be able to talk about my son with someone who doesn't hate him." She smiles sadly.

 _Her son._ An ugly sneer twists his features. Yes, Rey has explained that perhaps there was more going on when she'd shipped him away, but the woman in front of him has _no right_ to call him _son_.

Leia takes in a shuddering breath and her eyes shift and grow hard. "But I don't know him now. I haven't for a long time. And now he has her. Maker knows what he's doing to her right now. And she's _helpless_ to stop him. You made sure of that, big brother," she says contemptuously.

Kylo is torn between fury that Leia Organa thinks he would _ever_ lay a finger on Rey without her permission and agreeing that Skywalker failed her completely. He doesn't like agreeing with _that woman._

"Think about that. Really think about it. She's in his clutches, defenseless. He hunted her across star systems and now he _has_ her. You know how brutal he's become. When he took her, it was like she was all he could see. He was _relentless_. Everywhere we tried to go, he would find us. Eventually we had to ... well, I won't chance that intel to a transmission. What matters is he found her, he _took_ her. He has her right now and I think we both know he doesn't just want her for _conversation_. I want you to imagine that kind, brilliant girl and what could be happening to her right now, what she might try to bargain for. Your cowardice did that to her. You ensured that she would have no way to protect herself from him."

He sits forward, a twisting feeling in his belly. Is she hinting that he would … she couldn't possibly think that he would … could she?

Leia sighs and sits back. "We talked extensively about what might happen if ... _when_ he caught her. She was prepared to offer herself to him to save us. And they let us go Luke ... She said she hoped it wouldn't come to that, that she'd hold out for as long as she could. But, oh Maker. _They let us go._ " Leia looks away from the camera.

The sick feeling is growing. She does. She thinks he would accept Rey's body in payment. He'd like to split the image of _her_ in two but she's still talking.

"At least I was able to make sure she received the implant. She won't have to face bearing his child. I don't think he would do that, but I never thought he was capable of a tenth of what he's done since he joined Snoke. We never talked about the possibility of him forcing her, but she has to have wondered ..."

Oh Maker, no … it's worse than he'd thought. She thinks … she thinks he would ...

She sits straighter and her eyes grow hard. "We are going to end this and even if he's taken her every day, I will find a way to heal her. This girl you turned your back on ... She's the best of all of us and I made her promises."

He thinks he might be ill and he rips his helmet from his head. He would never … he _could_ never hurt Rey like that. Doesn't _she_ know that? Doesn't she understand why he had to find Rey? Leia Organa is aware of the Bond. Yet she thinks … He's not sure he can keep watching this horror fall from his own … from _her_ lips, but he has to know what fresh pain she has for him.

"So it's time. You ran away and left me to pick up the pieces. I forgave you for that because you lost so much. You refused to come home, even after Han. And I forgave you for _that_ because you're my brother. But it's time Luke. Think about Rey's light. Now think about what a man who murdered his own _father_ would be willing to do. Imagine, let yourself feel the revulsion. I don't care what your reasons are for staying away. This ends now.

"Meet me at the usual place in ten days. I'll wait for a day and a night. If you aren't there, you are no longer my brother. I mean it. You are the last Jedi and you owe it to the galaxy. You owe it to _me_. You owe it to that girl you failed. We made him, and we are going to stop him."

The transmission ends and Kylo sits completely still. Leia Organa thinks he would assault Rey? Ra- he can't think the word. How dare she? How _dare_ she think him capable of that!

He pushes away from his desk and stalks back and forth. Had Rey thought this too? Had she believed he would take that from her? He hears Rey's sneering voice as she'd said "take whatever you want," and he realizes she likely _did_ think he would …

She'd offered herself to buy the Resistance their freedom. Does Leia Organa now think her life was bought with Rey's innocence? His stomach roils with disgust. He must see Rey. He has to make sure that she knows he would never do that. He would blind every sun in the galaxy before he did _that_.

His helmet lies forgotten on his desk.

* * *

Kylo pounds on her door, desperate to see her. He doesn't stop until he feels the door begin to move.

"Alright, alright. _What_?" she exclaims as her door slides open.

"I have to speak with you," he pleads frantically. His eyes must be wild because Rey looks instantly concerned.

"Kylo? Yes, of course. Come in." She stands back quickly, beckoning him in.

Kes is sitting in one of her chairs and he sees they've laid out all sorts of desserts and are watching a holo.

"I … I didn't mean to interrupt," he says, trying to reign himself in, find some semblance of control. She thinks … she thinks ...

"You obviously need me. Kes, I'll see you tomorrow, alright?"

Kes regards him with a kindness he's not seen from her before.

"Supreme Leader," she says respectfully.

"Kes," he returns. He knows he should try to be more cordial, but he _has_ to speak with Rey.

Then Kes slips from Rey's rooms and he's alone with his love.

Rey comes up to him and touches her fingers to his cheek, "What is it?"

"It's … there was a message. From … from _that-_ Le- from my mother." He's not sure why he's claiming her _now_ of all times.

She brightens immediately. "From Leia?"

"It's not … it's not like that. We intercepted a transmission to Skywalker. After Illaria."

Her face crumples. "Oh. I see. More _war_."

"Yes … no. I just …" He scrubs his face with his hands. He doesn't know how to talk about this, it's so repellent. "She … after I found you … in her message she said—she said she thought I would … Stars, Rey … did you think I would force you?"

Her eyes go wider than he's ever seen. Her hand flies to her mouth.

"She seemed to think that I would … hurt you. Make you … against your will. Did you think that I would do that? That I _could_ do that?" he pleads, desperately hoping she'll deny it. Please, please, my love.

She looks down, her hand falling from her mouth. She doesn't say anything. Aberrant knowledge scours along his heart, ripping and tearing. She _does_ … she did ... It doesn't matter. For months he's loved her, needed her, and she'd thought ...

"You _did_. You thought … you thought I would force myself on you." His voice is hollow and broken.

Suddenly she turns from him and he's faced with her back. Her arms go around her torso and he sees her fingers around her waist.

"Rey, tell me." He must hear the words from her own lips.

She shakes her head.

"Rey!" he calls despairingly.

There's nothing from her as she holds herself unnaturally still.

"Rey! You will answer me!" he bellows.

She whirls around and there's fire in her eyes. "I didn't know!" she shouts.

She might as well have stabbed him in the gut. He staggers at the acceptance that she truly thought that he could do that to her.

"You … all that time, while you ran from me, you thought …"

"You never listened to anything I said! You made it perfectly plain that you thought I was yours. That what I wanted didn't matter to you. Plenty of men on Jakku told me I was theirs, said they would take me, just like you did. Why would I think anything else?"

Oh Maker, he really is going to be sick, now.

"So this is what you think of me," he says bitterly.

She rushes to him but stops herself before she's upon him. "No! Not now. I know now that you would never do that. But I didn't know you then."

"Yet you listened to all sorts of stories from _that woman_."

"Stop calling her that!"

"Why not? She thought I could do _that_. Of everything she's ever done to me, the fact that she thought I could … that I would …" How could she, how could she, _how could she ..._

He can't keep himself standing and he sinks to Rey's settee, his head in his hands. His beloved, all this time … she'd thought he could hurt her, take her … _rape_ her.

Arms come around his shoulders and he starts then pulls away, snarling, "Don't touch me! If you think I could do that to you, then you shouldn't let me anywhere near you!"

She withdraws. "Kylo, please."

Finally he looks to where she's sitting next to him. Her face is broken with guilt and he's so _confused_. How could she have even let him touch her if that's what she thought?

She looks at her wringing hands. Rey seems so small and even through his tumultuous feelings he wants to comfort her. He suppresses the impulse, holding on to his hurt.

He takes in several gulping breaths, trying to keep from falling apart at her feet. Finally he asks weakly, "If you thought that … how could you … why would you reach out to me that night through the Bond? _Think_ of me the way that you said you did?"

He chances a look at her and finds her head still bent. "Because I didn't _know_ ," she offers, her voice so quiet he can barely hear her. "I had all of these feelings I didn't understand. I didn't know if they were the Bond, if they were me … Sometimes I thought I was going mad. I would talk with Leia and she would tell me about what kind of person you were before and I … I wanted to believe that you were still Ben."

He flinches at that despised name, ripping his eyes from her defeated form. "Well, I'm not," he spits.

She's silent for so long that he finally looks at her. She looks frozen and haunted and he just wants to hold her. She makes him so helpless.

The silence is thick and though he's only a foot away from her he aches from the separation. Eventually he chances to speak. "Rey?"

"I can't. I … whatever I say right now is wrong," she whispers as she pulls her knees up and she's wraps herself into an impossibly small ball.

"What do you mean?"

She just tightens her arms around her legs.

He reaches out a trembling hand and strokes along her shoulder. He realizes he's still wearing his gloves and he pulls them swiftly from his hands. Then he shifts closer to her and gingerly puts his arm around her. She keeps holding herself closely but she leans into him.

"Please tell me," he entreats.

Slowly her face lifts from between her knees and her face is contorted in anguish. "Because … I know he's still in there."

Kylo pulls away instantly. "No, you're wrong."

Impossibly, her features pull into a grimace of deeper pain. "I'm not. He's who loves me. Could the creature you've created love me like you do? How would he even know _how_?"

He stands abruptly and faces her. She's wrong. He knows she's wrong. She's just telling herself what she needs to. He ripped that boy from his heart and strangled him. He knows he's dead. He's made _sure_ of it when he plunged his saber into the heart of everything his family once meant to him.

He looms over her, holding his face close to hers. "I don't care how much you wish _he_ was here, you are stuck with _me_ ," he spits viciously. "You can tell yourself lovely little fantasies, but that doesn't change _anything_. I am Kylo Ren and _nothing_ you can say or do will ever change that," he shouts. His chest heaves with crackling emotion.

Her face is again buried in her knees but he won't let her hide from this, from him. "I'm deadly serious, Rey. If you're here for him, if you're falling in love with _him_ , then I'm terribly sorry to tell you, _sweetheart_ , but he's nothing but scorched ash," he sneers.

He wants to be angry with her but she looks so vulnerable, so he turns from her and holds himself rigidly. He doesn't want to look at her. She thought him able to hurt her like _that_ and now she's telling him that she doesn't even _see_ him. His head falls forward in defeat and his fists clench at his side. Oh Rey …

Then he hears a stifled sob and he turns quickly. She's holding a hand over her mouth and tears are streaming down her face. She's shaking so badly that he's on his knees in front of her before he can even think.

Her other hand joins the first and she's choking back her tears.

"Rey!" he calls in alarm.

Her swimming eyes go to his and the strangled sounds coming from her fill him with panic.

"Sweetheart, what is it? Please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, I'm sorry," he pleads.

She just shakes her head. He doesn't know what to do so he wraps her in her arms and she immediately clings to him. She weeps into his shoulder and he rubs circles on her back. What has he done?

Eventually she quiets, save for a few light sniffles. She continues to cling to him and he still has no idea what she needs from him. Gently he shifts her so that he may see her face, keeping her in his arms.

"Rey?"

Her red-rimmed eyes go to his then flit away.

"What is it?"

"I just … I've found my way to you. Then you … please don't yell at me like that," she pleads weakly. He closes his eyes tightly, realizing how cruel he had been. When he opens them she's looking away. Quietly, she says, "I thought … but … you're so determined to take this away from me. To deny what's been happening. Having to think about how afraid I was. What I thought might be waiting for me. It was just too much."

"What do you mean? I don't understand, 'deny what's been happening'?"

"You really don't know?"

Her eyes implore him but he doesn't know what she's trying to convey. "No, please tell me?"

"You … you've been changing. You've made different choices … helping those people. And you've been so gentle with me. I thought … I thought you were coming back. To the light. To _me_." She holds her hands to her chest. "You were coming back …" she whispers, looking down with her shoulders hunched.

Her eyes are full of such pain, it pulls at him in a way he's never known. The way she'd said he was coming back to her, like it's the most important thing in the galaxy to her … like _he's_ the most important thing in the galaxy to her. Even after he'd yelled at her, ridiculed her. He realizes he'll say anything, _do_ anything to wipe away this hurt. He makes a decision then. He will lie to her for a second time. If she needs to believe that Ben Organa still holds sway in his heart, so be it.

"I am, my love, I am."

Her head snaps up and her eyes lock with his. "Really?" she asks with such aching hope he finds his throat tight.

"I'm changing, I know that much." That, at least is true. He's felt himself shifting.

She throws her arms around him and holds him tightly. "I knew, as soon as you brought me here, I _knew_ you'd never hurt me, and certainly never like that. I felt foolish and cruel for ever thinking you could. I know you would never do that, to me or anyone else. Please believe me."

"I do." How could he not? Her voice is so sincere.

"Good," she says as she nods into his shoulder.

She feels so right in his arms and he buries his face in her hair.

"I'm so sorry," she says as she pulls him closer.

"You did nothing. I'm the one who needs to apologize." He pulls back. "I'm sorry that I lost my temper and raised my voice like that. As to before … I see why you would wonder about that. You're experience with men has not been _optimal_. I'm sorry that I ever frightened you like that. I never meant … I never meant you to fear me."

"I know that, I knew that as soon as I was here."

"Do you? I just needed you. Do you understand how much I need you?"

"I think so. I … I need you, too."

Then she's kissing him fiercely and he can only respond. Her tongue presses into his mouth and it feels so perfect to merge with her in this way. The kiss goes on and on until she draws away.

Her eyes search his, "Why haven't you asked to see me?"

"What? I thought … I was waiting for you."

Her lips pull into an awkward smile. "Oh. I was waiting for _you_."

It's all been too fraught and he finds himself laughing. It's a strange, hysterical laugh, tinged with madness.

She looks at him apprehensively and he shakes his head. "No, it's just so ridiculous. I've been waiting for you and you've been waiting for me and we've both wanted to be together. Maker, Rey … we have to start talking. All the time. We have to _talk_.

"Yes. You're right. No more surprises. We will talk."

"Yes," he breathes out as he kisses her again.

He gathers her into his arms and lifts her as he stands. Then he seats them both on her settee with Rey nestled in his lap. She hasn't removed her arms from his neck and he keeps his wrapped tightly around her waist. They breathe in and out in tandem, needing this closeness.

Eventually she murmurs against his neck, "It's only the afternoon, don't you need to … do whatever it is that you do?"

"No. Hux has it handled. My only place is with you."

They hold each other close for what must be an eternity.

* * *

They'd held one other for most of the afternoon. Occasionally they would shift, but they would quickly make sure they were again entwined. Eventually the need for food had pulled them from their tangled state, though neither of them was happy about it.

He'd tried to get her to let him call the droids to clean up her impromptu picnic with Kes, but he'd ended up helping her gather together the ridiculous number of desserts. She'd bit her lip at all the food they were wasting but she eventually relented.

Now she's again draped across his lap after a simple meal of his favorite Alderaanian dish. He refuses to think about why he'd requested such a thing, using his status to force the kitchens to prepare something not on today's menu.

Watching her delight over the savory pastry filled with rich meat and vegetables had made any of his apprehension evaporate. Maker, she makes him so incredibly _happy_. Sometimes he considers just taking her and running to his ancestral home on Naboo. But he knows Hux or _that wo-_ … Leia … _she_ would track them down.

He nuzzles against her cheek as he pulls her as close as he can. "Rey …" he breathes against her skin.

She pulls back just a bit so that she may see his eyes. "Stay?"

"Every night, if you wish it."

* * *

Again he finds himself in her bed. She's in a scandalously short nightgown and he wonders if she'd selected it with something particular in mind. He'd nearly lost his ability to think a coherent thought when she'd pushed his trousers down. "These can't be comfortable," she'd said, looking up at him. The bulge straining against the last barrier between them had mocked him.

He knows he should just hold her to him and drift off to sleep, but she's looking into his eyes with such meaning. Her eyes blink slowly and he's pulled to her, the idea of control already abandoning him.

They're facing each other on their sides, just as they had the first night she'd invited him to her bed. But this time, there are gossamer light strings holding up her nightgown and he's certain he can see her succulent pink nipples through the fine fabric.

Very deliberately she pulls one of the straps down and, oh Force, her breast is revealed to him. His eyes flicker to hers and there's nothing but acceptance and lust. He groans as he descends, pulling her nipple into his mouth. It's so perfect, the way her flesh pebbles as he sucks against it. Her hands tangle in his hair and she's pulling him even closer. His tongue swirls over the tightened point and she inhales quickly followed by a soft moan.

With the next flick of his tongue, her hands pull at his hair and she pants out, "Yes, stars, _yes_. That feels so good."

He smiles against her luscious breast. Touching her is _wonderful_. With hands or mouth, he doesn't care. He just wants to _connect_ with her in any way that he can.

He shouldn't, he knows he shouldn't, but his hand snakes around her and delves under the back of the delicate lace covering her bottom. He squeezes the deliciously rounded form and pulls his lips away from her nipple with an audible pop. Now he can pull her against his achingly hard erection. She eagerly responds, throwing her leg over his thigh. He's not sure if it's just that her nightgown is so thin or if it's ridden up, but he's sure he can feel her folds through the two layers of fabric as his cock thrusts against her.

Panting, he pulls back. He must know that this is alright. She growls, she actually _growls_ as he seeks her face.

"Stop, stop thinking so much. Let me show you how much I trust you." Then she captures his lips and he's lost.

His hips buck against hers and he's moaning into her mouth, it feels phenomenal to move against her like this. So much of their skin is touching and he's getting a little hazy on where the boundary between them lies. He can feel her wetness soaking through the thin scrap of lace and his own underthings, her nightgown already bunched up past her hips. His eyes fly open as he feels her small hand reach between their writhing bodies and grasp him through the fabric.

Maker, she's stroking along his cloth-covered length and a strangled groan escapes him. Too much, not enough, he's not sure. He almost screams when he feels her slip past his waistband and circle his cock. Her slender fingers grasp him and she's pumping him up and down. Her movements are hesitant, unpracticed, but simply feeling her touch more than makes up for her lack of technique. Oh Force, Force, _Force_. He can't _think_ , he's just calling out. Rey, perfect Rey. Somehow the fog lifts and he chokes out "Stop!"

Instantly she removes her hand and he opens his eyes to find her brow furrowed. "Did I do something wrong?"

He breathes hard but manages to hold her face as he says "No, no, my love, no. I just … if this is what you want, I want … no I _need_ to see to you first."

"Oh," she says shyly.

He moves to catch her eyes. "I won't take this step without you. If you want this then we do it together. Otherwise we go to sleep," he says firmly.

She doesn't say anything, but the hand that had just been scrambling his brain goes around his wrist. She pulls his hand down, down, down, and she's pressing his fingers beneath the lace and against her center. He cups her mound and shifts them until she's on her back. He holds her eyes intensely as he parts her soft curls.

Nothing has felt like this, _nothing_. She's so hot and slick. He draws his fingers along her outer labia, fascinated by how impossibly soft the skin is. He keeps his eyes on her as he finds her clit, already so hard for him. He begins stroking her with lazy circles and she gasps, her lips fall open and her eyes glaze with ecstasy. Hours, he wants to spend _hours_ finding every single thing he can do to make her gasp like that.

He speeds up slightly and she lets out a breathy, "Oh!" Her eyes widen and she grasps his shoulders, digging her short nails into his skin.

"Do you like this, my love?" he breathes into her ear.

"Yes, d-don't stop."

"Oh, I don't intend to. Not until I feel you come apart beneath my fingers."

"Yes, please yes."

As her hips start to move in that instinctual rhythm, seeking something she doesn't yet understand, he decides she's ready. His cock jumps as he pushes a finger slowly inside her. They groan together as he slides home. Stars, she's _tight_ , his long finger grasped on all sides.

Just as he'd hoped, a life of activity has removed her barrier. He's never been with a virgin and he doesn't want to hurt her like that. Crooking his finger, he finds that special spot and he's surprised that it has a different texture than the rest of her. A stray thought that has no place here floats through his mind, this is very different without gloves.

He thrusts in and out and she arches off the bed with a throaty moan. "K-Kylo," she stutters.

"Rey ..." he answers her call.

"Maker, oh Maker, yes!"

He nuzzles against her cheek. She's finally relaxed enough that he adds another finger, gently stretching her.

She whines a high sound and her breathing speeds up. Her hands move from his shoulders to the bed and she's fisting the sheets. Rey throws her head back, panting quickly. He takes the opportunity to nip along her slim neck.

His thumb circles her clit as his fingers pulse in and out of her tightness. He moans as he imagines her walls holding him, welcoming him. Unconsciously he grinds against her thigh.

Her hands continue to twist in the sheets and her beguiling eyes find his. "I-I-I ... oh Kylo," she sobs out as her gaze becomes unfocused.

This is bliss. Nothing has ever sounded so sweet as her cries. He thinks he might come just from the sounds she's making. For him. This music is _his_.

"Yes, please, darling Rey, let me hear you," he coaxes.

She thrusts herself against his hand and pants between moaning his name.

There, he feels it. He's never felt the flutter before, the first twitch of a woman's orgasm. He hates that he has anything to compare it to, she has no equal. His own breath is harsh, his cock painfully hard. He's never seen anything as sublime as Rey surrendering to the pleasure _he_ is giving her. She's exquisite.

Oh, Maker, Rey. He's so close, just from her calls and the feel of her around his fingers. He buries his face in her hair and her thigh has grown slick from his weeping cock soaking through his only piece of clothing. He focuses again on Rey and presses down firmly on that perfect node and, Force, she's getting so _loud_. He loves it.

Her walls start to clench and his breath catches. This is so much more intense than he'd imagined. What if she opened the Bond? Just the thought of merging with her in that way jolts him forward and he sucks at her throat as he bucks against her firm body.

She's shuddering now, incoherent in her pleasure. He continues to swirl his thumb along her clit while thrusting his fingers deep inside, making sure to catch that magical spot within her.

He feels her fingers in his hair and she's pulling him back and seeking his eyes. He's never watched someone in their most open, vulnerable state. Her eyes are wide and her breath comes quickly.

"Kylo!"

"Yes, I'm here," he pants against her neck.

"I'm-I'm-I'm."

"I know, yes, please yes. Let go." He pulls back and looks deeply into her eyes. "Come for me, beloved. Let me _feel_ you," he begs, not sure he can hold on much longer.

Then she keens as he feels her spasm around his hand, oh yes, yes, _yes_. She's writhing and pushing wildly against his hand. It's all he can do to hold on. Her eyes are locked with his and she finally stills.

She grabs his face with one hand and kisses him, hard. He thinks she must need a moment but she shocks him as her other small hand again delves beneath his waistband and wraps around his hardness.

She strokes along him with an awkward rhythm, but it doesn't matter, he's already so close to bursting. Then she seems to get a better sense of his body as her confidence grows.

Of course she would be gifted in this as in all other things, and she pushes down along his shaft. Back up she goes and he's soaring. His orgasm surges and surges from him, it seems to go on and on. He throws back his head and shouts, "Rey!" with the last of his release.

He's trembling as he gathers her to him; he'll never let her go.

"My darling, my love," he croons against her temple. She holds onto him tightly. He tries to catch his breath, but his heart is racing and he notices she's breathing hard too.

He doesn't want to loosen his hold but he wants to see her face so he shifts them slightly.

Her lovely hazel eyes blink slowly and he can't read her expression.

"Rey?"

"Mmm?"

"Are you … are you alright?"

She smiles a languid smile and pushes his hair behind his ear. "More than alright. That was … I didn't know it could feel like that."

"No, neither did I." That was, without anything else even coming close, the absolute best orgasm of his life. It couldn't possibly get any better, could it?

"Not bad for a couple of virgins," she says playfully and his recently recovered heart freezes in his chest. She thinks … oh no. Force, no! He fails utterly at keeping the dismay from his face.

"Kylo?"

* * *

A/N: Dun dun DUN. Oh, Kylo ... don't worry, next chapter is up on Monday so you won't have to wait too long.

Thank you to the wonderful CharloteCAgain and jackie_01 for their marvelous beta skills! Juulna will be back in a bit, but these beautiful friends have been kind enough to step in. Thank you both so much!

Thank you readers! I hope you know how much I treasure you. I've been on a bit of a writing roll and it's because of all of you!


	36. Chapter 36

"Not bad for a couple of virgins," she says playfully and his recently recovered heart freezes in his chest. She thinks … oh no. Force, no! He fails utterly at keeping the dismay from his face.

"Kylo?"

He looks away. How is he going to tell her this?

"Kylo?" she prods with a tinge of worry.

He tries to hold her eyes, but he _can't_. "Rey … there's been a misunderstanding."

She draws back and props herself up on one elbow. "What do you mean?" she asks warily. He still has an arm draped loosely across her waist.

He can feel his release seeping through the cloth still covering him and he would give anything, anything at all to be able to go back in time. He feels like he's taken liberties under false pretenses. Would she have let him touch her like that if she'd known? Force, he's angry with himself. Of course she'd think … he'd told her he'd never kissed anyone else.

How could he have been so _stupid_? It all unfurls before him, how he'd told her there were no women in his bed, that the gifts were only for her, that he'd never cared for anyone else. All true, but he couldn't have created a more misleading set of statements had he tried.

He knows his prior behavior with women has been … odd. But he just didn't trust any of them enough to allow anything beyond the necessary contact. He didn't _want_ to. He'd done everything he could to avoid the cage of devotion. Now he seeks—with single-minded obsession—to find a way to lock himself within it for a lifetime.

He hadn't meant to deceive her. He'd been so _careless_ with his words, never imagining her extremely logical conclusion. And now she thinks he's given this part of himself to her the way that she gave this first experience to him and he feels _dirty_.

"I mean," he draws in a shuddering breath, finally able to look her in the eyes. "I mean that only one of us is a virgin."

She begins to move further from him and he regretfully withdraws his arm. He's been touching her in one way or another for _hours_ and he misses her immediately.

"But … you said you'd never kissed anyone. Were you lying?" She doesn't seem angry, just painfully young and confused.

"No, I wasn't lying. You truly are the first person I've kissed. You're the only one I ever want to kiss." His eyes plead with her to believe him.

Her hand is lying on the bed near his. He tries to take it, but she swiftly pulls her hand back. He can't ignore how much it hurts.

"I don't … I don't understand." Her voice quavers.

He looks away from her beloved face. "Kissing isn't necessary for other acts." His cheeks heat with shame.

"I know that!" she says petulantly "I just … why would you want that with someone you didn't want to kiss?"

He returns his gaze to her and her eyes are bewildered.

"It was never like this," he offers, gesturing between them.

"So you've … before. With another woman."

"I never meant to make you believe otherwise. I didn't think. But I promise that the others-"

"Others? As in many? How … how many?" she asks fearfully.

This is all spiraling horribly out of control and she just looks so damned hurt. He wishes she would get angry, but instead her eyes are huge and _wounded_.

"I don't … I honestly don't know." He hadn't partaken frequently, only indulging his baser side once he joined Snoke. He supposes there have been somewhere between 20 and 30. He'd preferred not to take the same woman twice. He's certain knowing the specifics would only hurt her; however, if she presses, he will tell her.

She only looks down and the most pathetic little "Oh," falls from her lips. He's hated himself for as long as he can remember, but never so much as in this moment.

She shakily pulls up her nightgown and each jerky movement tears at his heart. Then she turns away from him completely, lying on her side with her back to him. He's desperate to coax her to return to him.

"Please, please don't turn away. _You_ are all that matters to me. I haven't touched anyone since I first _heard_ about you. I promise."

He watches as she shrugs. She doesn't say anything and he's not sure if he should try to explain, tell her how much he loves her, and only her. How he's never felt another's skin, how profoundly different _everything_ is with her. But he's afraid to make it worse. He sits up on his knees so that he can better see her, the sheet tangled around his waist.

After an agonizingly long time he hears a slight murmur. Her voice is so quiet he can't make out what she's saying. "Love, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you."

She turns slightly and he can just see her face in profile. He almost wishes he couldn't, she seems so diminished. "I said, it doesn't matter, I had no claim on you. I just … I thought you were all mine." She says the last word with such sorrow.

He inhales sharply. "I am! Rey, please. I have _never_ been anyone's _but_ yours. Sweetheart, please turn over, please come back. We must talk about this."

She turns back away and draws her knees up to her chest. He just wants to soothe this hurt away, but she's made it clear she doesn't want him to touch her.

"Please … please," he whispers, grasping at the sheet to keep from reaching for her.

Finally she turns her head, looking at him over her shoulder. She blinks and nods once. "You're right. We said we would talk."

He's not sure he's ever been more relieved than when she turns over to again face him. Her expression is full of a kind of sadness he's not sure he's ever seen on her face before. There's no anger or malice, just a bleakness that leaves him hollow.

Then she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. When she opens them again she seems more like herself and he's cautiously hopeful.

"So I'm the first person you've kissed but you've done everything else, then?" she asks, a hint of scorn in her tone.

"Not exactly," he says carefully.

"What does that mean?" she asks evenly.

"I never … I never took off my mask … or my gloves. I preferred to touch them as little as possible." It sounds far more strange than he'd ever considered once he hears the words out loud.

"What, you just took them to be-

"There was never a bed," he interrupts tonelessly.

Her eyes widen then she blinks. "You just bent them over and that was that?" Her expression is very close to disgust and he's again filled with shame.

"More or less."

He's very confused when she laughs out a hard sound.

"Rey?" he asks with apprehension.

"Oh, just that I was worried about how to tell you that I had kissed someone before."

"What?" he growls.

She swiftly sits up, mirroring his position. "Oh no, you don't get to tell me you've screwed you don't _even know_ how many women and then get jealous because I've rolled around with _one_ other man." She jabs her finger at him.

"What do you mean, 'rolled around'?" he asks through clenched teeth. They've only just got underway to the fleet, he could easily order the _Finalizer_ to Jakku.

"Do you want _details_?" she asks incredulously.

"Yes," he hisses. He needs to know if the man dies swift or slow.

"Well, nothing so vivid as the images _I_ now have seared into my brain, but there was a boy from Niima. We used to scavenge together and sometimes we'd hide away in an old wreck and kiss. A couple of times he got under my bindings. But he wanted more and I didn't. That was the end of that. Happy?"

He ignores her jab. "What was his name?" he asks with deceptive calm. His nails dig into his palm as his hands ball into fists. Someone else had kissed those sweet lips, felt her perfect breasts. She was supposed to only be his!

"Yoryn."

Of course it's _Yoryn Glant_. "And I was so certain your relationship with him was innocent," he sneers. He should have had him killed, just to be certain.

"Seriously? You're really going to act like I did something wrong? You shouldn't even know who he _is_ , but you and your holos ... At least _you_ don't have to wonder-" Then the fiery indignation leaves her eyes and she flinches. "You don't have to wonder ..." She trails off and shakes her head.

The jealousy still simmers in his blood but now anguish is coming off of her in waves and he can't keep from being alarmed. "Wonder what?" he asks shortly.

Her shoulders fall and she looks away. "Wonder if what we just shared is as meaningless to you as they were," she whispers.

Yoryn Glant suddenly seems insignificant when faced with her thinking such a thing. Sharing that with her, it's as far from meaningless as he can fathom.

"No! Rey, no!" He shakes his head furiously. "Please, I … I've never touched _anyone_ the way I touch you. I never let them touch me the way you do. That's why I was so overwhelmed when I first felt your skin against mine. Stars, I had no _idea_ I could feel like that, the way _you_ make me feel … I didn't wish to be so intimate, not until you. I didn't let them see my face! Don't you understand?" He must make her _see_.

"But … I … why would they want that? I can't imagine wanting that," she says hollowly.

"Certain women are attracted to power. I assure you, they got what they wanted." He remembers the last woman. He had just finished a mission and was in a dark cantina on Coruscant, wanting some relief. She had boldly put her hand on his chest and looked into where she presumed his eyes were behind his visor. No words had passed between them. He'd just taken her behind the establishment, made sure she was ready, flipped her around and took her while she held onto the wall. When he was done, he'd simply left her panting in the alleyway.

Rey is looking at her hands, they're twisting in the sheet over her knees. She lifts her head and tilts it slightly to the side. "That's all it was then? Just … a transaction? Like trading for portions?"

He nods. "Exactly like that." He got to come and they got to brag they'd had Kylo Ren's cock.

Her face twists in revulsion but then it shifts into an ineffable sadness. She reaches out and cups his face and he doesn't understand what's going on. He just knows she's touching him again.

"You really were so lonely, weren't you?"

He wasn't expecting that and he doesn't know how to respond.

She gently strokes his face. "I was surrounded by sands, no one to reach out to. You were surrounded by people and didn't know how."

He turns his face away, suddenly feeling exposed. He doesn't like it.

"No, don't; stay with me."

He returns his gaze to hers. Then she's so close and her arms are coming around him; he swiftly returns her embrace. She's back, oh she's back.

She kisses his cheek and breathes into his ear, "I understand. It's alright." He lets out a shuddering breath. She says it's going to be alright. He hadn't even realized his heart had been hammering in his chest until he feels it slow.

She draws back to look into his eyes. "I know you didn't mean for me to think what I thought."

"No … no, I truly didn't."

"I know. It doesn't matter." Then she looks away for a moment, her arms around his shoulders and his around her waist. When she's again looking at him, her eyes are full of insecurity.

"What is it?" he entreats.

"Just … you wouldn't … with another woman now, would you?"

"What?" he gasps. "No, Maker, no! Why would I? You're all that I want, you're all that I need. I love _you_. I promise, you, only you."

She's wrapped around him again and she growls into his ear, "Good, because I'm very good with a staff and I fight dirty."

He barks out a surprised laugh and finally relaxes. He likes this possessive side of Rey. He settles back into her bed and hesitantly pulls her closer; she melts into his side.

"May I kiss you?" he asks, unsure where he stands but badly needing to connect with her.

"You don't need to ask."

"Yet you may always revoke my welcome."

"I know. Now hush and kiss me."

He holds her face and does as he's told.

* * *

His eyes shoot open as he startles awake. Then he hears it, Rey is whimpering in her sleep. They're on their sides with her back to his chest and he's holding her close, her head resting on his bicep.

Her hands are curling and uncurling and he hears another agonized moan.

"Rey?" he calls worriedly.

Her distress is growing so he shakes her lightly but she's still not waking. He waves his hand and a low glow fills the room. He tries again to wake her, shaking harder this time and she jerks awake, calling out "No!" She flips herself over, now facing him.

"Love, what is it?" he asks, searching her wide, frantic eyes.

She clenches her eyes shut and shakes her head. He gathers her close, soothing his hands along her back.

"What is it?" he whispers against her hair; she's almost burrowing into him. "Tell me," he requests.

She lets out a shaky sigh. "When you were in my mind, did you see … did you see the day they left me on Jakku?"

"Yes, I saw it."

"That's what it was. Over and over again. The day she left me." She looks into his eyes and she seems lost. "Was I so bad that she wanted to get rid of me? If I had been better would she have kept me?"

"Oh my darling …" He does not usually enjoy hurting women, but he's beginning to think he might make an exception for Lann Tren. "You know that she left you because of the spice. As horrible as it is, the truth is that you weren't part of her decision. It wasn't your fault, there's nothing you could have done to change what happened to you. I'm sure you were a wonderful little girl."

"I used to think that if I had only been better, sweeter, or prettier, then they wouldn't have left me."

"No, no, none of that is true." Oh his love, she's just so damaged.

She shrugs. "Doesn't change that I thought it for most of my life."

"But it's _not_ true, do you accept that now?"

"I _do_ know it's not true here," she says, touching her head. "But it still feels true here." She holds her hand to her heart. "I wasn't enough. I'll never be enough. And now I wonder if …"

He waits for her to finish. When she doesn't he prods, "If what?"

"No, nothing. It's silly." She's again drawing into herself.

"Please tell me."

She looks at him for a long time and then she sighs. "I … it's just that … what if one of _them_ was … better. More … skilled. And then you'll wish you were wi-" His fingers touch her lips as he flinches at the idea he would ever prefer anyone to Rey.

"Stop. No. I will never compare you to another. There is no comparison to be made." He strokes her bottom lip then pushes a lock of her hair behind her ear.

"But, I don't _know_ anything."

"Did I seem to be complaining earlier when you made my eyes cross while I was chanting your name?"

That lovely blush infuses her cheeks. "No …"

"There is no way that I ever _could_ consider what we share in the same light. It's simply impossible. Those others … it was never about who they were, I didn't care. I know that sounds heartless … because it _was_. That was the way I wanted it. But with you, sweetheart, I feel _everything_. I want you to touch me and I want to touch you. It's so very different. Do you see?"

"I … I'm truly not sure. I think so? I think … I think it will just take some time. I have to adjust to knowing this. Does that make sense?"

"Perfectly. Someday, soon, you'll _know_ how special you are. I'll tell you all the time, every day until you believe me."

A rueful little smile pulls at her lips. "That could get really annoying."

He smirks. "Well, then you'll have an incentive to start believing me, won't you?

Kylo grows serious and catches her eyes, needing her to be able to see his sincerity. "You are more than enough for me. I won't ever leave you, Rey. I will never abandon you. I will _always_ choose you."

"I ..." Her hazel eyes swim with unshed tears.

"I promise."

She pulls him close and lays her head on his chest. "Thank you," she murmurs.

"I love you, so much."

She nods against him, tracing random patterns along his skin.

He strokes her hair with one hand and holds her tightly with the other. Her hand eventually stops its movement across his body, then her breathing evens out and he kisses her crown. She sighs and soon she's asleep.

The light dims again with another wave of his hand, but he doesn't fall back to sleep easily. He's concerned that Rey had been more shaken by his past than she'd let on. She'd had a nightmare about her abandonment and she's clearly feeling very insecure. He wonders if it would have been better had he never touched another woman, or have had a proper relationship. She seemed particularly disturbed by the impersonal nature of it, well, and his lack of knowledge of how many partners he's had.

At least he was able to give her one of his firsts, even as she will give him almost all of hers. He's surprised that the reminder of Yoryn Glant doesn't incite a jealous fury. Instead he just feels sad that he wasn't her first kiss, but compared to his own history, it really would be horribly hypocritical of him be angry about it. He supposes this feeling, that he'd thought they'd shared that first kiss together, is a bit of how she must be feeling.

How can he make her understand that there's only her? That what he's experiencing with her is entirely new? He wonders again if he somehow took advantage of her, if she would have made different choices if she'd known he is more experienced. He's going to have to talk with her about that, as well.

He lays awake for a long time.

* * *

They've been awake for an hour or so, both willfully ignoring the time as they lose themselves in the bliss of their connection. He's on his back and her head is on his chest as they trail their fingers over each other's skin. He knows he should talk to her more about the revelations of last night, but he doesn't want to spoil the luxurious energy they're building together.

"Kylo …"

"Hmmm?"

"Do you think … maybe I could see that message from Leia? I'd like to see her face, hear her voice."

He stiffens immediately. He can't bear the thought of Rey hearing what his mother thinks of him. His hands stop their journey along her body and some of the warmth is dissipating.

She shifts and lifts herself to look at him. "Please?"

He closes his eyes for a moment and rubs the bridge of his nose. "Rey … I'm not ready for you to hear some of the things she said about me. But soon, alright?"

Her expression is pensive. After a moment she nods. "Alright. Soon?"

"Yes, soon."

Now that the tranquil bubble has been broken, he knows he needs to try again to help her understand, truly understand who she is to him and how no one else could ever take her place.

"Since we're trying to talk instead of leave things unsaid, I would like to address some things with you."

She looks at him warily and slowly says, "Okay …"

He moves up the bed, sitting with his back against the headboard. She follows his lead and sits cross-legged at his side, facing him.

"Our misunderstanding last night, did it … do you feel that I took advantage of you because you didn't have all of the facts? Would you still have let me … would you have wanted me to touch you like that if you'd known of my past?"

She thinks for a moment before responding, "I think so? I can't really know, honestly. But last night was wonderful."

"Truly?" It would be very hard for him to recover if he'd hurt her in this way.

"Yes, Kylo." She takes his hand in hers. "I mean … it was hard to find out about the o-others." She blinks a bit then looks at their clasped hands. A wistful smile crosses her face. "I really did think that … " Then she sighs and shakes her head. "It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters! Please tell me."

She keeps looking at their hands and finally she looks up. "I already did, really. I just … I _liked_ the idea that we were just each other's. But I guess it's better one of us knows what they're doing." She tries to pass it off like a joke but he just hears … grief. She truly feels that she's lost something and he fervently wishes he could give it to her. And perhaps he can, in a way.

Kylo pulls his hand from hers and stands, then he grasps her by the thighs and pulls her to the edge of the bed. She gasps in surprise, but she lets him place her where he wants her. He goes down on one knee in front of her and takes both her hands in his. He looks up into her beautiful eyes. Her hair is wonderfully tousled from sleep and her nightgown is delightfully thin. She's an absolute vision of loveliness.

"Rey, listen to me. From the age of 11 onwards I kept a distance between myself and others. Occasionally someone would get a little closer to me. Orin, Vitok. But even with them there were firm boundaries. I never pursued any sort of intimate relationship with women. I didn't want to fall in love. I was terrified of it, honestly. It ruined Le-" He sighs. "It ruined my mother, and before you start arguing, consider that Han Solo would sometimes leave her, leave _us_ for six months at a time. It _hurt_ her. I remember her tears.

"So I decided that I would never let that happen to me. I was never going to fall in love. To ensure that, I made certain that any sexual experience I had was as impersonal as I could make it. Talking about it now, I see how misguided I was, but it _is_ what I did. The minute you burst into my life you were everything, _everything_. It may have taken me a bit of time to realize the extent of my feelings, but I do know that the next time I was approached by a woman I was horrified and wouldn't let her anywhere near me. I was already yours.

"You changed _all of it_. You wiped away whatever pale, shallow experiences I had the minute I laid eyes on you. I was in love before I even knew what hit me. Then what I had abhorred became what I _craved_. I want to share it all with you. My body, my mind, my heart. When I kissed you the first time, when I felt your perfect lips against mine, it was the most pleasurable thing I had ever experienced. Before that it had been when you kissed my cheek. Before _that_ it had been when you held my hand. Do you sense a pattern? Honestly, holding you on Takodana stirred me more than any other woman ever had.

"But beyond that, beyond the physical, it is how I feel when you touch me. It's like your touch is a balm for my very soul. With each caress of your hands along me, with each kiss you grant me, you _heal_ me. I know you don't know how you feel about me, but … when you touch me you make me feel more cared for than I ever have in my entire life.

"I _am_ yours, Rey. Completely. I am branded by your touch and am irrevocably in love with you."

Rey has quietly listened to everything he had to say, only reacting when he'd suggested something negative about … his mother. Now, she seems almost stunned. She says nothing and his stomach sinks when he sees a tear fall down her cheek.

Then she's kissing him intensely and pulling him towards her. It takes just a moment for him to fully comprehend the shift. She's kissing him so passionately, she must have understood. He gathers her up, laying them both on her bed. She's on her back and he's above her and kissing her with equal fervor. He feels like she's trying to say something with her kisses and he can't discern it.

She pulls back and her eyes are dark with something far deeper than lust. She reaches up with both hands and holds his face as her eyes search his. "I'm yours, Kylo. I'm yours. Do you understand?"

He stills, immediately perceiving the importance of that statement. She has denied this time and again from the moment he first told her that she was his. Across the lightyears she fought him, swearing she didn't belong to him. But now ...

He descends on her lips, kissing her with such ferocity that her nails dig into his back. She's his, she's his, she's his. She's finally, truly his.

Pulling away, he rests his forehead on hers, panting heavily. "Please, let me hear it again."

"I'm yours."

"Yes, oh, Force _yes_." Then he's again pressing his lips to hers, swirling their tongues together. Then the Bond opens and she floods him with her light. He gasps against her mouth and surrenders to the moment completely.

"Yours," she says through the Bond, and he whimpers.

Now she's pulling back slightly, looking into his eyes. Out loud she says, "Show me, show me again that you're mine, only mine."

"You want …"

"Like last night. Touch me …" she begs.

He pulls down the straps of her nightgown as he lowers his face to her neck. "I'm yours, only ever yours," he promises into her skin.

* * *

He's very late to the bridge.

* * *

A/N: Thank you CharlotteCAgain for the beta help! She has a really amazing story, Commemoration, that is one of my absolute favorites. Wonderful character development and a spot on Kylo. If you're looking for something new to read I highly recommend it! It can be found here on fanfiction.

Thank you readers! You are always so supportive, be it here, via PM, or on tumblr. I'm afraid there won't be a Thursday update this week because of Thanksgiving. I'm not sure how long I'll keep those up, but the muse has been being particularly kind as of late. Thanks again for being such wonderful human beings.


	37. Chapter 37

It's been four days since everything nearly came crashing down from his carelessness. Kylo is in his office, attempting to get caught up on reports but mostly thinking about Rey. He's taken to removing his helmet when working alone, having grown used to being without it.

They'd spent the night before last together again and Rey is becoming _quite_ adept at making him incoherent with pleasure. He's _trying_ to give her time between each visit, but he's not managed it yet. Thus far he's succumbed every day to his need to see her, knocking on her door to at least kiss her goodnight. Sometimes he's visited twice. But she hasn't seemed angry or frustrated, she only smiles and lets him in.

He'll see her again tomorrow and he's determined to prove that he can go a day without her, if only so she won't feel that he hadn't listened when she'd asked that he continue to give her space.

Everything is ready for her birthday, he just needs to make sure she's comfortable leaving the ship with him. He can't decide when to give her her present; it's not something he can bring with them. He wants to reveal that it's her birthday once they reach their destination, however. Perhaps he'll simply give it to her without remarking on the occasion or wait until they return. He _does_ have something else to give her while they're away. Kylo wants to ensure that he makes her birthday as perfect that he can. He put a great deal of thought into what she would like, how to show her he's listening, and he thinks his plan will please her.

He's wondering if he should also give her more jewelry when the Bond comes alive, abruptly commanding _all_ of his attention. A tense spike of something strong blazes across their connection. He can't think through the storm of overwhelming _emotion_ , it's too much to discern, but then he starts to sense confusion, bright joy, relief, and a strange ribbon of fear. Then the Bond is again silent. She clearly hadn't done that on purpose. She's feeling something _intensely_ ; the last time she'd lost control of the Bond had been when she was injured. She hadn't seemed hurt, but he can't help but worry for her.

Kylo doesn't know what to do. Because she's been reaching out to him through the Bond more frequently, he tries not to push against her walls. But her feelings were so _strong_ , he can't just ignore it.

He's about to write her a message when the Bond opens and she sends, "Kylo?"

"Are you alright, what was that?" he rushes to ask.

She ignores his question. "I know we weren't planning on seeing each other tonight, but would you please join me for dinner?" She seems like she's focusing on staying calm and his concern increases. What's wrong? Why won't she just _tell_ him?

"Would you like me to come now?" He's going to her no matter what she says, he decides—already standing from his desk.

She hesitates. "Yes, please, if you can."

"I'm on my way," he says as the Bond closes.

Once again, his helmet is left behind as he rushes to Rey's rooms.

* * *

He knocks on her door and she opens it before he's managed to finish the second rapping of his knuckles.

"Rey! What is it, what's wrong?"

Her expression is the strangest mix of elation and fear that he's ever seen; it does nothing to allay his concerns. His eyes trace her form, finding her unharmed and in a simple tunic and leggings, her hair braided down her back.

"Come in, I'll explain." Her eyes are alight with a strange fire and his worry intensifies. Something significant has happened. She doesn't seem upset; in fact, if he had to guess he'd say she was overjoyed. However, she's not acting as she usually does so his senses are on alert.

Before he has the opportunity to remove his gloves, she takes his hand and leads him to her settee. They take their usual places and he sheds them swiftly. She's practically vibrating with excitement and he's incredibly on edge.

She angles herself towards him and catches his gaze. Her eyes transfix his with their intensity.

"Please, tell me," he pleads. She's being so _strange_ and he's beginning to truly panic. He must know what's happened to her.

"I've been working with your holocrons. You said you've never opened them?" she confirms.

"No ... I didn't want to revisit the time in my life when I was Jedi."

He needs to touch her, she'd not given him the opportunity to kiss her. He wants to crush her to him, but he _needs_ to know what's happened. There's an urgency in the air that's deeply unsettling. He takes both of her hands in his and her fingers instantly lace through his. At least the feel of her skin calms him somewhat.

Eagerly, she says, "One of them is about Force Bonds! I've learned so much. I know what happened to us!

One of his holocrons was about Force Bonds? All this time the answers they've needed have been sitting in his room of treasures?

"You've obviously learned something that pleases you," he says carefully. The Bond is always a difficult subject for them and he's not sure if her obvious excitement bodes well for him or not.

She's smiling widely and she squeezes his fingers. "Oh, yes. It's wonderful! I've been hoping to know this from the very beginning. It explains _everything_. I know How they're formed, how to break them. I know what it all me …"

He can't understand anything she says after he hears that she knows how to break their Bond. She's still talking, her eyes are bright, but there's an odd rushing in his ears and the room feels like it's spinning. He thought it was unbreakable. She could … No. This can't be happening. His vision is swimming and he feels like he's completely unmoored.

Even with her walls, he is _always_ connected to her, she's always right _there_ , woven throughout his being. She's his constant, the star by which he navigates his life. But she looks so _happy_ and he understands—with soul deep terror—that she's going to _break their Bond_ , his heart, his _soul_. Her perfect face is animated as she's explaining what he can only assume is the process for rending him in two.

His head is flooded with memories of the months of endless, agonizing searching. Her constant rejection. _Every single time_ she'd denied the Bond. The hunger, the craving, the _madness_. The only thing that kept him from descending into lunacy was Rey's faint energy, slight, but always threaded through his heart. He can already imagine the aching, bloody hole she'll leave where she once was. She'll have what she always wanted. She'll be free. Of him. Of the Bond, his reason, his purpose, his _Rey_. Gone. Broken.

He shakes his head, trying to find his way through his confusion, but her voice fills his head. Rey's right in front of him but it's not this Rey's voice he hears. Echoes of the past pull him down.

 _I don't know why you talk as if we have something. Please get out of my head, please. I don't want this. Stop, please. Just … please just leave me alone. Please._

She never wanted this. She'd told him over and over again that she wanted to be free of him. He remembers how she'd asked why they couldn't just block the Bond and forget it existed, forget _he_ existed. He can't, he can't, he _can't_. This will kill him, he knows he won't survive her loss.

 _Please, please let me go. No, no! Stop—just let me go. I will never be yours. You have no claim on me. Keep on begging. Please don't. Just let me go._

 _Please don't._

 _Stop, please._

 _Please._

 _Please._

 _Please._

He staggers to his feet. He dimly feels Rey pulling at his hands as she stands with him, but he rips them away and beats at his head, trying to make the memories stop. He thinks he hears his name, but all there is is a constant stream of her damning words.

 _You really are a monster, aren't you? You have to leave me alone. You aren't capable of goodness. I won't ever be with you._

 _Please._

She never wanted him. She was just using him. Making the best of a horrific situation, trapped in the monster's lair. She's going to break the Bond.

 _I will never surrender to you! I don't want this … I've never wanted this. Never wanted_ you _. I will never submit to you. I will never come willingly._

 _Please._

Why? Why? _Why_? He remembers how she'd cried "Yours!" as she'd shattered as he'd brought her higher and higher. Break the Bond. She wants to break the Bond. Oh Maker, she's going to throw him away.

 _Keep on begging._

He slides to his knees in front of her. "No, Rey, please," he begs, just as she'd told him to do in his memories, his eyes stinging.

"What?" she asks in alarmed confusion, bending forward, reaching for him. She's giving him this last mercy before she destroys him.

"I'll do anything, anything. Please Rey, please."

"You're scaring me! What is it? Please tell me!" Her expression twists from joyous to terrified and it just adds to his confusion. It's all so _hazy_. Isn't this what she wants, to cast him aside? Isn't she _relieved_? She'll finally be free of the creature in a mask.

Now she's on her knees as well. Why is Rey on her knees? Nothing's making sense, he just has to convince her to keep him.

"Don't sever our Bond, please don't! I'll change! Anything, anything, please." He doesn't care about Grandfather. He'll go back to his mother. Anything, anything, anything. Don't, please, don't. No, no, no.

"What? No!"

"Please." Disband the First Order, seek his uncle's forgiveness. Anything. Anything. Anything.

"Kylo!"

"I promise, I'll leave you alone. You never have to touch me again, just don't break the Bond!" He can live on the memories alone. Don't break the Bond, please, please, please.

"Kylo, listen to me, I don't want to break the Bond!" she shouts frantically as she takes his face in her hands. "Look at me, look at me!"

Then her light floods him. Is she letting him feel it one last time? Can he stay here in this moment forever?

"Kylo!" she screams and finally, he sees her properly. Her eyes are wild and he blinks. He's upset Rey. He shouldn't have done that.

"I don't want to break the Bond!" she cries and he begins to understand her. She doesn't want to … but she'd looked so jubilant.

"What?" he asks confusedly, blinking, trying to focus on her.

"I don't want to break the Bond." She's stroking his face desperately and her eyes are panicked.

"You don't?" He doesn't understand. She'd said she knew how to break the Bond and he'd _felt_ her joy spike. He _knows_ she never wanted this, never wanted him. She only cared about him because of their connection. She says it often enough. She would never choose him.

"No, Kylo, no," she says as she pulls him close. He doesn't respond, he can't comprehend what's happening.

"Please, come back to me. Please. I will _never_ break the Bond."

Her words partially penetrate the fog. Rey will never break the Bond? He's not about to lose his reason for living? Rey isn't leaving him?

"Please, Kylo, please," she sobs and he realizes that she's crying. Oh no, Rey mustn't cry. He wraps his arms around her and holds her as tightly as he can. They're both trembling.

"Shhh, shhh, I don't want to break the Bond," she repeats as she strokes his back.

Finally, finally he truly hears her and his mind is beginning to return to him. Rey is _not_ going to break the Bond. "I thought … oh Rey," he shudders out. Her light threads around him, beating back the terror.

"I know, I know," she soothes as she continues to rub his back and she sniffles lightly. "Never. I promise. Especially not now."

Especially not now? He wants to ask her what she means, but he can't speak. He stays in her arms, holding her clasped to him, not sure he can ever let her go. Her light pulses through him, healing the ragged, torn places left by his anguished fear. After an age she starts to pull away and he shakes his head, refusing to release her. What if he doesn't get her back?

"Please, let's get off the floor."

He comprehends that they're kneeling in the middle of her sitting room and he's fully back in himself. He realizes that it happened again, he fell apart right in front of her. Oh Force, he debased himself at her feet. Weak, weak, weak. How could she _ever_ love such a pitiful creature? He stands awkwardly, embarrassment flooding him. He's pathetic. Frail, feeble, fragile. Ben Organa lives still.

He helps her to her feet as she says, "Stop, Kylo. You have no reason to be embarrassed."

He snorts. He'd literally fallen to his knees and lost all sense of reality.

"Really, I … I understand why you were so afraid. I know … I felt, I heard through our connection. I didn't … I didn't know how much I was hurting you when we were … apart." Her eyes are open and full of entreaty.

"It doesn't matter," he dismisses. He has no wish to discuss how he'd gone to pieces like a mewling _boy_.

"Don't do that." She frowns slightly and her brow furrows.

"Do what?" he asks flatly.

"Deny that you've been hurt. It's alright to acknowledge when someone has hurt you. When _I've_ hurt you. You aren't alone anymore. You'll never be alone again. Neither of us will."

He's not ready to think about his months of searching, to acknowledge the cost, so he only nods. She takes his hand and pushes him down on her settee. Then she's kneeling in front of him. She starts to remove one of his boots.

"What are you doing?" he asks, chagrined by her tending to him.

"Making you comfortable."

"No, you shouldn't do that. Please, get up from the floor." It's _his_ job to care for _her_.

"I'm already here," she says as she pulls his right boot from his foot.

He continues to protest but she completely ignores him and finishes her task. Once done, she stands and makes him lie down on his side, with his back to the cushions. She joins him so that they're lying face to face and his arms automatically go around her. Perhaps her idea has some merit after all. Holding her like this is mending the jagged rips in his heart. Somehow, she knows precisely what he needs. She's helping him recover from thinking he was going to lose her in a way so painful … only her death would be worse.

Her eyes hold his and there's nothing but welcome in their fathomless depths. Then she begins to touch him, running her fingers along his jaw, then his cheek. It's so sublimely healing, the way that she's lightly caressing him. It's as if she's knitting him back together with her delicate hands. His eyes slide shut as she strokes his face and he realizes how tired he is. The adrenaline is leaving his system and he's feeling a bit queasy.

She still hasn't closed the Bond, and her light is so _fine_ , so good. He'd never hoped to feel so blessed. It almost feels like forgiveness. She leans forward and presses her lips to his forehead and she murmurs, "You must know how much you mean to me, how I … I'll never break the Bond. Never." Her sweet breath ghosts along his skin and he shivers.

"But it's possible." His voice shakes as he opens his eyes.

"Yes, it is, but I can't ... I can't imagine you no longer being there. I would have reacted the same way if I thought you wanted to sever it."

"Never!" he exclaims, drawing back to see her face.

"I know. I just wanted _you_ to know that if I thought you were going to break this, leave me, I … it would destroy me." For a moment he sees her eyes flash with the abyss he knows so well, the fear of losing that which is most dear. Then there is a hollow sadness and he gets flashes of Jakku through the Bond.

"I will never abandon you. Ever. You are mine and I am yours," he promises as he reaches behind her and begins to unbraid her hair.

She smiles as she continues to run her hand over his body, a constant dance of reassurance. "I know."

"Do you?" He almost has her hair free so he pulls her as close as he can and wraps a leg around her. He finishes his task and begins to card his fingers through her long waves.

"Yes … I do. For the first time in my life I think I know what it means to be loved."

"I do, Rey, I love you more than I think anyone has ever loved anyone." She's still not close enough so Kylo buries his face in her hair. Her arms go around his neck and they just hold each other. They're so intertwined that there's no space between them. Then she seeks his lips and they're kissing passionately, all of the fraught feelings given form. He pours all of his devotion into his kiss and soaks up the feeling of her in his arms, kissing him _back_. Rey wants him. Rey cares for him. He has everything he's ever wanted right here, close and warm.

He strokes his fingers through her hair and runs his other hand along her back. He just needs to touch her, ensure that she's truly here. That she _wants_ to be here. She delves her tongue into his mouth. He senses her surface feelings and that delicious warm, soft feeling he's never been able to name. Whatever it is, it alleviates the effects of his descent into mind numbing fear and he knows he's safe. Rey isn't going to reject him.

Their caresses turn languid and she's running her fingers through his hair. There is only solace and tenderness in Rey's arms. Her kisses slow and she holds his face to hers, their cheeks touching. They both let out a long breath and settle further into each other.

He lets himself drift in her light, accepting the comfort she offers.

* * *

He's not sure how long they've been sleeping when he opens his eyes. Rey is still breathing evenly and he lifts his head away to be able to see her. There are tried tear tracks on her cheeks and he tightens his arms around her. He detests that he'd frightened her, upset her, made her _cry_. He can't quite believe he'd broken down so utterly. He detests when this happens, the way he can't keep from spinning into that place with no control. At least he hadn't lost his temper, he supposes.

Rey stirs and opens her eyes slowly. Her fingers clutch at him reflexively and she smiles then the Bond closes. He keeps the sadness from his face. He must be patient. One day she will simply leave it open … he hopes.

"Are you feeling better?" she asks.

He looks away for a moment, still feeling humiliated for his behavior. He sighs and looks back at her. "Yes, I am. I … I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to see me like that."

"I wouldn't have it any other way; I can't bear the thought of you being alone when that happens."

"It shouldn't happen at all! If I wasn't so wea-"

"Stop," she says as she puts a finger over his lips. "We've both been through too much. You have so much inside you, so much pain. I've felt it, I know. I do too. You catch me when I fall, you hold me when I cry. How is this different?"

"I don't know. It just is," he says stubbornly.

She shakes her head. "Hmm."

He waits for her argument, but she only pulls him close again.

Eventually, she starts to pull from him and he holds her fast. "Kylo, I'm just going to get a drink of water. I'll be right back."

"Oh. Alright." He reluctantly releases her.

When she returns he's sitting up, waiting for her. She hands him a glass and he sips the cool water. Rey takes her usual place by his side and snakes her arm through his, putting her head on his shoulder. He leans forward and puts the glass on the low table then pulls her into his arms. He's still feeling a bit lost from earlier and isn't sure he can ever be close enough to his love.

Now that he's calm and she's put him back together, he realizes she wasn't able to tell him what she'd learned from the holocron.

"I still don't know what happened, why I felt so much from you through the Bond," he murmurs against her temple.

"Right, of course." She moves away and he tugs her back. "I need to see your face," she says with mild annoyance.

He thinks for a moment and pulls her into his lap. She's sitting across his thighs and her arms go around his neck and his around her waist. "Will this do?" he asks with an arched brow.

She nods and looks into his eyes and is quiet. She holds his gaze for a long moment then an absolutely beautiful smile blooms on her face. "They're _real,_ " she breathes out, her eyes glowing.

"I don't understand, what's real?"

"Our feelings. They're real. It doesn't compel emotions. It just makes us need to communicate frequently over the Bond when we're far away from each other. If we're in physical proximity, it's satisfied. Everything I feel for you is real, is _mine_ ," she says excitedly, tightening her arms around his neck.

He's always known his feelings were his own, however what she's saying doesn't make sense. "But ... the pull, I feel it, all the time." It had driven him to such lengths when he didn't have her with him. System after system, methodically searching the galaxy, needing to find her at all costs.

"So do I. But it's not the Bond. It's just ... us." She shrugs slightly, shifting in his lap.

"Us?" His mind is swirling with this new information. He knows how she's struggled with her fear that the Bond was making her feel things she wouldn't otherwise feel, and the implications for her are significant. He's never believed he was being influenced, but she's used the Bond almost like a shield. She's hidden from him behind it.

She continues to explain. "Spontaneous Bonds, like ours, are formed when two Force users are balanced ... suited." She ducks her head and blushes. "Uhm, soulmates, basically." Her eyes flit to his shyly.

Soulmates? He's always known their connection was deeper than the Force Bonds he's read about. Everything he found had talked about bonds created between master and apprentice, and what he shares with Rey has always been so much _more_. But to have it confirmed this way, having Rey _admit_ to it, relief fills his chest pushing away the lingering effects of his recent storm. She's said she was his, that he was hers, but this makes it _undeniable_. Rey will never be able to push him away, not after this revelation.

"There's more," she says.

More? He must know what else she has learned. "Go on."

"The pull, it's us, our attraction." Her blush intensifies, trailing down her neck and clavicle. "The Bond just gets wrapped around what we're ... feeling," she finished awkwardly.

It takes a moment for what she's said to sink in. He's always known his feelings were real, but he'd assumed the overwhelming _need_ was the Bond. But no ... it's simply his need for _her_. It's always only been _Rey_. Somehow, she becomes even more precious with this knowledge.

"So … this," he says as holds his hand near her face, feeling the energy between his fingers and her cheek, "is just what's between us?" He presses his fingers against her skin. Touching her still makes warmth course through him. He's never grown used to it. He's not sure he could, it brings both peace and excitement in equal measure. Comfort and fire, connection and tension. It's the most profound feeling he's ever known.

"Well, I don't think it's _just_ anything, but yes."

"No, I didn't mean to minimize it. You know how much I-"

She smiles. "Yes, I do."

He strokes his thumb across her cheek and looks into her eyes. No wonder she'd lost control of the Bond with the enormity of this new awareness. It's a gift beyond his ability to comprehend … to understand—to finally know the exact nature of the Bond and everything it _isn't_.

"The Bond, it would have happened no matter what, wouldn't it?" he asks.

"Yes. It was … fate, I suppose. I'm sure that going into each other's minds like that hastened it … but the moment we met, it must have begun to wind through us. They're exceptionally rare, there have only been four instances in the last thousand years and only a handful before that. The records weren't very well kept, apparently. It's why you're so powerful, why I can heal the way that I can. In theory, I'll grow the way you did, but in healing. Your dark … my light. Like I said, balanced."

"I think … I think it was brewing before we met. The Force wanted me to find you, I'm sure of it. When … when I was first told about you, I had an overwhelming feeling that you were _important_. On Takodana, I was always looking for _you_ , not that droid."

"I felt it too. I was pulled to the forest, I just had to get away from Maz's castle. I'd just had a Force vision where I saw you."

"What? You never told me." He'll need to ask her later about her vision, but he doesn't want to get sidetracked.

"It terrified me. But I had to run and somehow I felt like I _needed_ to go to the forest. The Force … the Force always wanted us together, didn't it?" It's her turn to touch his face as she slides her fingers along his jaw.

"It's what I have always believed." He takes her hand and kisses her fingers.

She snorts and shakes her head.

"What?" he asks, mildly offended.

"It's very annoying that you were right the whole time."

He chuckles, no longer feeling affronted. "Well, if it's any consolation, I've found that you tend to be right about nearly everything else."

"Don't forget it," she smirks.

"I don't believe I ever could."

He leans forward and presses his lips to hers and she sighs into his mouth. They share a lazy kiss and he basks in the security of this new knowledge. Rey can't leave him now, not after this.

Then he remembers the tense fear he'd felt through the Bond when she'd first discovered the nature of their connection and he pulls back.

"You were afraid when you first realized your feelings are real. Please tell me why?"

She runs her fingers through his hair and he shivers slightly from the sensation. Her eyes take on a note of sorrow. "I ... It frightens me a little to know my feelings are real. Before you found me on Illaria, I told myself that it was just the Bond, that none of it was me."

"And it frightens you that that's not true. Would you prefer to not care for me then?" he asks with a tense tone.

"No! That's not what I mean. You always find the worst possible interpretation of my words. It's just … I've been so confused, how I feel for you, it's so _strong_. Knowing that these feelings are mine, only mine, it was a lot to take in. I fought so hard not to feel this way ..."

"I see." He tries to tamp down the hurt that stabs through him at the reminder of how hard she had struggled to keep from accepting the now undeniable truth of their connection.

"I don't think you do. It made this easier for me when I thought I was compelled to feel as I do, before, when I was with Leia."

"So caring for me, wanting me, you'd rather you were forced? Am I so repulsive to you?" He stiffens and starts to push her from his lap; she tightens her arm around his neck and refuses to move. Her eyes are fierce and her expression stormy.

"That's not what I meant! Force, Kylo, please try not to think everything I say is designed to hurt you! I said _before_. Things are different now. You aren't the brutal, unhinged man you were when you were hunting me."

He keeps his expression neutral. He's not sure he agrees that he's changed so much, if he even wants to have. He's never thought himself to be brutal, simply efficient. His goals require actions that are often harsh. He's certainly much more centered now that Rey is with him. He'd been holding onto his sanity by the thinnest of threads when he'd finally found her. Yes, he's attempted to minimize violence for Rey's sake, but he won't change course, he _will_ do what needs to be done. However, there is no reason to correct her assumptions at this point.

Choosing his words carefully, he says, "Being without you, it drove me nearly insane, I know that. I know how much I frightened you, and I wish I could go back and do it differently. And I certainly I wish I'd opened that holocron!"

Rey grins, "That might have helped a little."

"Just a bit," he says ruefully.

She settles back into his lap and leans her head against his, stroking his hair again.

"Have I told you how much I like it when you do that?" he asks, closing his eyes and giving himself over to the pleasure.

"No, but I know. You're almost like a cat. Sometimes I think you'll start purring."

He snorts and opens his eyes. He shifts her in his lap until he can see her eyes. "Perhaps I will," he says as he kisses her cheek before drawing back to again see her beloved face. "Oh sweetheart … you have no idea what you do to me. I never knew love like this existed, that I could be so consumed. That I would revel in the powerlessness. I love you, Rey, I love you."

Her eyes light with affection then her face grows serious.

"What is it?" he asks with trepidation.

She turns a bit so that she's facing him directly and moves her hand from his hair and brings up the other until she's holding his face. Her eyes are burning with intensity and he finds himself utterly caught in her gaze.

"There's something I need to tell you." He feels a wave of apprehension, but the way that she's looking at him pushes it away.

Her eyes roam over his face and the softest smile he's ever seen pulls at her lips.

"I think you know already. I hope you do … It's such a relief to know that my feelings are mine. Do you know what I'm trying to say?"

She's looking at him like he's the only person in the entire galaxy and he dares to hope that she …

"I …" she pauses and takes a deep breath. Then she almost whispers, "I love you, Kylo."

He stops breathing and he blinks. Could she? Could she possibly?

"Y-you what?" Please, please, let him not have misheard.

"I love you," she repeats, stronger now. The words caress him, weaving along months of longing and endless thirst.

"Rey …" his voice cracks and his eyes fill with tears. He thinks perhaps he should be embarrassed, but he can't find it in himself to be anything other than elated. She loves him. Rey loves him.

She closes the distance between them, her lips nearly touching his, and she murmurs, "I love you," one more time before kissing him. It's the most beautiful kiss he's ever experienced. Through the Bond she lets all of her feelings flow through him. _This_ , this is what that warm and soft feeling was, all along it was there. But now her emotions are overpowering in their intensity. They're so pure, so _good_. He can't believe that anyone feels a fraction of this for him, and that it's Rey, his perfect, exquisite Rey … the tears gathering in his lashes spill over and course down his cheeks.

He never truly thought she would love him. He half expects to wake up and find this has all been the most transcendent dream he's ever dreamed. But it's real. Rey loves him. Their lips are moving together and he pushes his own feelings towards her, how desperately he loves her. Their emotions course between them, building and twining together and it's almost too much, the incandescent joy sparking through the Bond.

He wants to kiss her forever, but he needs to see her face again. He pulls back slightly, finding that her lovely hazel eyes are also brimming with tears and love. For him. One of her hands leaves his face and the other brushes away his tears while he wipes away hers, their hands mirroring each other's.

"Oh, Rey …" he sighs. "I never imagined …"

"Neither did I."

"Rey, Rey, Rey …" he chants her name then he's kissing her again.

The lust that always burns through his body is quiet and they're lost in the Bond and the rapture of their connection. Rey loves him.

* * *

He's not sure how long they indulged in the heady feelings traveling through them, but when they'd finally emerged from drifting in one another, it was late enough that It hadn't been worth returning to the bridge. They'd ordered an early dinner and now they're again wrapped around each other.

"Why don't we watch a holovid?" Rey suggests.

He can't remember the last time he's done something so mundane and he almost laughs at her suggestion. Luckily he realizes she's serious before he manages to hurt her feelings.

"It's been a long time since I've watched one," he offers neutrally.

"I just thought … something light. This afternoon was so …" she trails off.

"Yes, quite. Well, if that's what you'd like to do, I have no objection." He'll be able to hold her and that's enough for him.

"What kind?" she asks as she goes to the console.

"You pick." He's actually curious to find what she'd select.

"Oh, this one is funny," she says as she starts the projector.

She returns to him and soon she's enraptured with the flickering images casting a blue glow across her face. He's barely paying attention. He's just watching her. How her face moves in delight, how she giggles and sighs. She is far more interesting than a cultural conflict between a human and a twi'lek sharing a living space.

He keeps thinking, "Rey loves me." He can't stop. He doesn't want to. They're both stretched out along her settee and she's tucked between his long legs, her back against his chest. Right now he's pulling his fingers through her hair. She shifts, giving him an absolutely marvelous view of her breasts beneath her shirt. She's not wearing anything under her tunic and he begins to _react_.

She turns to look up at him and wriggles back against him.

"Oh really?"

He nips at her neck and rasps, "Yes, really," against her skin. He begins to kiss and nibble at her throat. Her hand comes up and she holds it against his cheek. He sucks, hard, at her flesh and she gasps.

She keeps watching the holo, which annoys him, so he smooths his hand along her thigh, up under her tunic until he reaches a glorious breast. He palms it then flicks at a nipple. Her breathing grows harsher, but her eyes are _still_ on the holo.

This simply cannot be allowed. With his other hand, he delves into her leggings and finds that she's already wet for him. Not so unaffected, then. He smiles smugly as he strokes along that delectable bundle of nerves and finally she groans and closes her eyes.

"That's my love. I will not be ignored," he growls.

"No, you won't will you?"

She turns her head and kisses him while he kneads her breast and plucks at her clit. The way that she moans into his mouth makes him grind against the small of her back. He pushes his hand further along her tight curls and delves a finger inside, his thumb circling that perfect spot.

The last night they'd spent together, he'd still found lingering insecurity in her eyes and he wants to give her something that he's never given anyone else. Her declaration emboldens him to take things further tonight. He gentles his kisses and she whimpers in protest.

"Shhh, I want to try something."

He withdraws his hands and encourages her to sit forward. He untangles his legs from around her and maneuvers her until she's sitting back against the settee, Then he's on his knees in front of her.

He holds her eyes. "Do you trust me?"

"Mostly?" He rolls his eyes and she giggles. "Yes, yes I trust you."

Continuing to hold her gaze, he inches her leggings down, making sure to hook his thumbs through the fine silk covering her heat. He pulls them down slowly, giving Rey the chance to stop him. Her breath only quickens. Soon he's removed her leggings and underthings and he gently spreads her legs, placing himself between them. Finally, he breaks their eye contact to look down. He gasps at seeing her, glistening and pink. He's never really seen a woman bared to him in this way and he thinks she's beautiful. He'd never even considered doing this before meeting her, but now he finds he's desperate to taste her.

She sits up slightly and pulls off her tunic. Now she's completely naked before him and he wants to worship her. She smiles self-consciously.

"You're perfect," he says, his eyes burning with passion.

"Rey," he purrs. Her eyes go to his. "I want you to know that this, what I'm about to give to you, this is only for you. I've never given this to anyone. It's all yours. I'm all yours."

She nods, blinking slowly and nibbling her lip.

He leans forward and just before he reaches her, he inhales. She smells fresh and so very feminine. He spreads her open with his fingers and experimentally swipes his tongue along her clit. She jerks and suddenly her hands are in his hair. Deciding that was successful, he continues to swirl and lick and she grasps his locks.

She tastes _divine_. He'd not known what to expect, but it's unlike anything he's ever tasted and he _likes_ it. He laps at her, enjoying the feeling of rolling her clit with his tongue. She's making the most delightful sounds and he hums in happiness. Curious about what it would feel like to have his tongue held close by her passage, he shifts and thrusts into her, as deep as he can.

"Kylo," she gasps out as she pulls at his hair, forcing his face into her folds. Oh, he's going to do this every chance he gets. The feel of her tightness around his tongue travels straight to his cock. It's so easy to imagine how she'll feel around him.

She's pulling him up, trying to get him to return to that delicious bud and he enthusiastically complies. He takes it between his lips and he sucks.

She gasps out, "Too sensitive!" so he ceases immediately, sitting up.

He delves his fingers inside, now stimulating her clit with his thumb. "Rey, darling Rey," he croons.

She looks at him blearily.

He continues to pump in and out of her and he says, "I need you to tell me what you like. I want to learn how to make you boneless with pleasure. Will you help me, beloved?"

"Uh huh," she agrees with hooded eyes. "I really liked the swirls."

"Like this?" he asks as he descends upon her again, circling his tongue around her clit firmly.

"Yes, yes, just like that, ungh-" and her words are lost to her whimpering. He keeps his fingers working between her folds and finds a rhythm she seems to like while relentlessly licking her hard nub.

She begins to pull at his hair sharply as her other hand slams down on the cushion and she calls out, "Maker, yes! Kylo, I love you, oh stars, I love you."

And if that doesn't make him redouble his efforts, nothing would. His face is buried in his beloved and she loves him back! He tries swiping his tongue up under her hood and she groans.

"That, do that again, please, please do that again," she begs. He smiles into her heat. Yes, he likes this very much indeed.

He does as she asks and she's getting loud again. He wants her to scream the whole ship down. Let them hear. He _wants_ them to hear.

That marvelous flutter is beginning around his fingers and he can't wait to feel her orgasm, suck her pleasure from her. A new wave of wetness coats his fingers and his tongue continues to swirl and lick.

He loses himself to the cadence of thrusting his fingers inside and the incomparable feeling of being so close, so intimate with his Rey. He feels like he's learning her from the inside out. He wants to feel her come apart for him, knowing that this is new for them both. This is the first time they're sharing something that neither has experienced and he hopes she understands he is entirely hers. It doesn't matter that he's been with other women, everything with Rey is different and he's not sure if she knows how she's remaking him.

Her walls begin to contract—hard—around his fingers. Her muscles clench down and his fingers are nearly pushed out as she moans his name over and over. His cock twitches as he imagines he's above her, thrusting deeply inside her, these wonderful undulations moving along his length instead of his fingers.

Then they start to come faster and she's almost screaming. "I'm, I'm, oh Force, Kylo, I'm coming, oh Maker, I'm coming," and he wants to say yes, yes, yes, my love, but his mouth is far too busy. With one final groan, she arches off of the cushions and almost pulls his hair out by the roots. He doesn't care.

She relaxes back into the settee and pants. That was amazing. He's absolutely doing that again as soon as possible. Maybe she'll let him do it again later tonight.

He lifts his head and finds her eyes. They're unfocused and she's still breathing hard. He pulls his hand from her and deliberately licks his two fingers that had so recently been thrusting inside her. Her eyes grow wide.

"Mmm, you taste so good," he says between sucking the last of her juices from his digits. He places his hands on either side of her hips and leans forward, placing a kiss on her belly. Then he moves his way up, kissing a trail between her breasts until he's at her mouth. His lips are almost on hers when he breathes you, "Would you like to taste yourself on my tongue?"

She doesn't make a verbal reply, only kisses him soundly. He knows his face is a mess, and now they're both covered with her. He loves it.

After kissing him thoroughly, she pulls back. "Now …" she says, pulling at his clothing. "I want to taste _you_."

He was already hard from feeling, hearing, _enjoying_ her, but at the thought of that delicate mouth wrapped around him, his cock throbs in anticipation. But he doesn't want her to feel she must reciprocate.

"That was for you, you don't need to," he says as he shakes his head.

His tunic is already being pulled off when she says, "I want to. I've wanted to do this for months."

"What?" he asks, shocked.

"You already know that I would think of you while I touched myself. I thought about that … _frequently_."

Now she's standing and pulling him to his feet. Before he puts everything together she's on her knees in front of him and he's standing there naked after she pulled down the last of his clothing. His cock is achingly hard, so ready for her.

"Rey, you really don't hav-" then he can't talk because she engulfs him in one movement. She can't take it all, but she's already moving her lips along him and he's not sure he's ever going to be able to think again. Any awkwardness of being naked in front of her for the first time is lost to her mouth. It feels so good and his knees are starting to buckle.

"Rey!" he chokes out.

She pulls back and peers up at him. The sight of her, nude, on her knees in front of him, his cock against her cheek, he knows he'lll remember that image for the rest of his life. "What is it?"

"I … I have to sit down, I won't be able to hold myself up."

From her position on the floor she pushes him down on the settee and she's about to settle between his legs when he grabs a throw pillow. "Here, for your knees," he explains.

She smiles and places it on the floor then sinks down onto the cushion.

She puts her hands on the tops of his thighs and regards his erection. She takes him in her hand and pumps up and down. He would be thrilled if that was all that she did, but then her pink tongue comes out and licks a bead of pre-come from his swollen head. He groans as she takes just the tip into her mouth while stroking his shaft

"Oh, love, you really don't have to."

She pauses and pulls back. "I want to. Unless … do you not want me to?"

"Oh, no, never that. I want you to. Oh, Maker do I want you to. But if it's too soon, if you're uncomfortab-"

"I can stop. I know that. I told you. I thought about this a lot, what it would feel like, how you would taste. And I want _more_." Her eyes are hungry and a strangled moan escapes him.

She smiles and returns to her task, again taking only his head into her perfect mouth. She moves her tongue around the ridge, teasing and him while she strokes his shaft. Maker, she's good at this and he smirks. His darling is a prodigy in more than just the Force, it would seem. Then she suddenly takes as much as she can in her mouth and he groans loudly. "Rey, oh, Rey. Your mouth feels _amazing_."

She bobs up and down, using her hand to make up for the fact she can't take him all. He can't tear his eyes from watching his cock disappear between her lips. It's the most erotic thing he has ever seen. Her cheeks hollow as she pulls back and she's swirling her tongue along his head and shaft, adding such glorious sensation to the already fantastic feeling of her lips wrapped around him.

Before he knows it he's already close. This is so different than when he's experienced it before, like everything with her. It had always been about power in his prior entanglements. Grabbed hair and forceful thrusts. He can't imagine treating Rey like that.

But he doesn't want to think about anyone but Rey and her perfect, hot mouth and how good she feels. His balls are beginning to tighten and he knows he'll come soon. She pulls back slowly and holds his eyes, then she's descending again and his cock hits the back of her throat. He manages not to buck up and choke her, but it's a near thing with how intensely she's holding his eyes.

Her voice forms in his head. "This is even better than I imagined. Feeling you in my mouth. You're so hard, your skin is so silky. I could suck on your cock for _days_."

He had no idea Rey could be so downright naughty and he knows he's the luckiest man in the galaxy. He's getting closer, the pleasure rippling along his spine. Then she pushes through how she's feeling and he almost comes right then. She wasn't lying. She loves this. Her enthusiasm has him moaning as her love for him courses through him. Her light, her beautiful light winds throughout him and it's like he's bathed in warmth.

So close, so close. "Rey, you have to stop."

She shakes her head determinedly and keeps working his shaft. "Ung, Rey, I'm going to come any moment."

"Good," she sends through the Bond. "I told you I want to taste you. I want you to fill me until I can't take any more."

That's it, that does it. The thought of coming in her mouth tips him right over the edge. Bright hot ecstasy courses through him, thrumming through his whole body. He feels like he's flying apart and somehow she's catching him. He fills her mouth with rope after rope of his seed, his orgasm feeling endless. She meant it, she swallows it all down then for good measure she licks up from the base of his cock to the head, ensuring she found every last drop.

Swiftly he takes her by her biceps while he shifts. He pulls her up until she's lying on top of him, both of them on the settee. He takes her face in his hands and kisses her furiously. She's left the Bond open so he sends, "I love you; that was incredible. I've never felt _anything_ like that ... Thank you, sweetheart."

She keeps kissing him back and he's tasting himself on her lips. He's never tasted himself before. It's not unpleasant, but he far prefers her luscious flavor.

Then they both still as the feeling of their naked bodies pressed together runs through them. She's draped across him and the intensity of the feeling of all of that contact makes them both gasp. They stop kissing and just look into each other's eyes. His lips part in wonder, the languid post-orgasm feeling twining with the overwhelming sensation of so much connection. It seems that the more of their skin that is touching, the deeper the feeling.

"I love you," he whispers.

"And I love you," she returns, equally shaken. They gaze into each other and time ceases to have meaning.

She lifts her hand and runs it through his hair and he holds her tightly against him. Her hazel eyes blink slowly and the Bond feels as if it's weaving around their naked bodies. He pulls her head down until their foreheads are touching. "Oh Rey …"

He turns them until she's tucked against him, her back to his front and he winds a long leg around hers. He feels sated in a way he's never known. Her skin is warm against his and he revels in how he's able to engulf her with his larger frame. It makes him feel protective and possessive.

"You'll stay tonight, right?" she asks with confidence, but he hears the hint of fear that he'll say no. Oh, beloved, doesn't she know by now that he's simply incapable of denying her?

"I told you, I will stay with you every night you wish me to," he says quietly into her ear, then he pulls her earlobe into his mouth and sucks gently. She shivers in his arms and he smiles as he releases it.

"Maybe you should."

"Maybe I should what?" he asks as he palms her breast, enraptured by how he's allowed to touch her in this way.

"Stay every night. I mean … I miss you when you aren't here. Knowing you're just down the hall … last night I almost let myself into your quarters."

"Oh, I wish you had. I was missing you terribly last night." He'd woken in the middle of the night and his arms had physically ached from her absence.

She turns over so that she's facing him. He rearranges his limbs so that she's again wrapped in him. Her face is eager.

"See? It's silly to sleep apart. We don't have to have dinner beforehand."

"I'd like it if we did," he says sincerely as he strokes her cheek with his fingertips.

She purses her lips slightly and her eyes flit away for a moment. "I still need a little more space than that. Sometimes I eat with Vitok. I don't want to give that up."

"No, of course not." He thinks he successfully hides his disappointment.

Wistfully she says, "I wish Kes could have dinner with me, but she's always on duty in the evenings."

"Ah, well, there's something I want to tell you about Kes's situation that I think you'll like, but first: yes, Rey, I will happily sleep beside you each night."

She leans forward and kisses him softly. "Good," she whispers against his lips. He closes his eyes and the realization that he will sleep with her every single night washes over him. She loves him, she wants him. He will see every day.

Even if she never gives one more inch, he knows that he would be the happiest man alive with this life. He holds her close, afraid to speak lest he spoil it.

Finally she pulls back slightly. "What did you want to tell me about Kes?"

He blinks, pulling himself from his reverie. "Ah, yes. I'm going to ask her to help me overhaul the stormtrooper program. As a consequence her duty schedule will change and she should be able to have dinner with you from time to time."

"Wait, you're going to change the stormtrooper program?"

"Yes, I have recently come to some … conclusions regarding discipline, fear, and loyalty. I want to try something different."

"That's ... That's wonderful!"

"I thought you would approve."

"Kes will be so happy!"

"Well, I haven't asked her yet, so please don't say anything."

"Alright, I won't. But you'll ask her soon?"

"Tomorrow. I had to make a few arrangements first. I will admit I'm assuming she'll say yes."

"Oh, she will. She has all sorts of ideas, too."

"You've already been talking about ways to make changes, haven't you?"

"Well, you did say you were going to think about it."

"That I did."

She tucks her head under his chin and he runs his fingers up her spine, enjoying the way she shudders in his arms.

Rey loves him.

* * *

A/N: Thank you jackie_01 for the alpha read and brilliant suggestion. Thank you CharlotteCAgain, who is a marvelous beta and helps calm my insecurities.

Thank you readers! You are all so wonderful and I missed you with no Thursday update. I'm not sure if I'll manage it this week, this chapter is a bit of a beast.


	38. Chapter 38

Rey is deeply asleep in his arms and dim starlight streams into her bedroom. They'd eventually dragged themselves from her settee and gone to Rey's bed, where she had, much to his thrilled delight, allowed him to practice his new found skill. He'd never thought about giving that to a woman before Rey. But it was a frequent fantasy right from the beginning. His need to _know_ her has always been total. However, he'd not anticipated how much he would _enjoy_ it. He'd never felt so close to Rey as he had when pleasuring her in that way. It was impossibly intimate and there was something sublimely satisfying in channeling all of his effort into only _giving_ to her.

He knows he's always been a rather selfish, impatient man. Yet, the fulfillment he experiences from teasing out every tendril of ecstasy he can from her body is more complete than even his own release at Rey's generous ministrations. Being so close to her, feeling her come apart around his tongue, covering his face in her essence, makes him feel like he's unlocked some essential puzzle. He feels as if he's finally finding a way to truly show her his devotion in a language she understands.

He looks down on her peaceful face and the reality of the evening finally crashes over him. Rey had told him that she _loves_ him. He doesn't even begin to know how to accept that, to believe in it. The absolute purity of her feelings had stunned him. Just the memory of her face as she'd said those cherished words is enough for his eyes to again prick with tears.

In a few weeks it will be a year since his life had been forever altered, since his true purpose had been revealed to him. A year since he'd found the key to himself. A year since his life had come undone and remade itself into this perfect dream. Now he understands that Rey and he had been set on an unalterable collision course from the minute she drew breath. He'd not been wrong when he'd told her that she'd been his from the very beginning.

Perhaps his years of struggle, that sense of constant failure and emptiness was because he was half a man without her. He gathers her to him gently but firmly and he kisses her temple. She stirs slightly and he murmurs, "I love you."

She sighs and mumbles, "Love you, too."

For the first time in his life Kylo feels whole. Rey _makes_ him whole.

* * *

"Kes, thank you for coming," Kylo says to the stormtrooper standing at attention at his doorway. "Please come in."

It's strange to see her in her armor, he's grown used to her face. He makes an impulsive decision and removes his own mask.

"Let's speak face to face. It's not like you don't already know what I look like."

She hesitates for a moment then takes off her helmet. Her green eyes are nervous, but not nearly as afraid as they had been. He's glad the progress they made on Eshara has held.

Kylo retakes his seat and gestures to the chair facing his desk. Kes sits awkwardly.

"I've asked you here because I need your assistance and I would like to make a proposal."

"Yes, sir."

"I want to make some changes to the stormtrooper program and I think your input would be invaluable." Not to mention the second part of his plan allows him to silently make amends.

"Sir?"

"You have proven to be a loyal and adaptable soldier. You shifted easily in your role as Rey's confidante. Not many stormtroopers would have been able to transition from warrior to companion with such ease. That indicates you have a flexible temperament." And he knows she has a strong mind, though he dearly wishes he didn't.

Kes stiffens immediately and he realizes his error. Flexible is not a quality sought in the stormtrooper program.

"There, right there. That is what I wish to change. You became instantly afraid that you were going to be sent to reconditioning."

"Yes, sir," she says quietly.

"I mean to do away with it for all but the most extreme infractions."

Kes blinks and says nothing.

"I want you to work with me, help me understand with the troopers really need. What can I do, what can _we_ do, to improve their lives? I would like to win their loyalty, their _true_ loyalty. Watching you on Eshara, the way you protected Rey, working with FL-4359, it made me aware that perhaps fear is not the answer. What do you think?"

The stormtrooper seems frozen.

"I want to know what you really think. Whatever you say, you have my word that you will not be punished. Besides, can you imagine what Rey would do to me if I punished you?"

Kes finally smiles. "That would not go well for you, sir."

"Precisely. Now, what do you think?"

She looks down at her knees for a long moment then carefully says, "I think it will take time."

"I can see that, but why, exactly?"

Kes raises her head but looks away. "I think you saw that I … struggled on Eshara."

"Yes, I did," he says gently.

"Too much, too fast would be overwhelming."

"Then I'll listen to you when it comes to timing."

Kes looks almost startled but she nods.

"What else do you think?" he prods.

She makes a thoughtful face. "Well, it could make a huge difference in productivity."

"How do you mean?"

Her expression tightens and she's again looking away. "I don't want to get anyone in trouble."

"Nothing you tell me will be used against you or your comrades."

The stormtrooper looks at him with keen eyes. He realizes that Kes is likely far more intelligent than he'd previously realized. He sees the moment she makes her decision to speak. "Some of us … well, sir, the thing is, we are on duty 18 hours out of every 24 and a few have found ways around that, inflating how long a patrol takes, things like that."

"So if we gave more free time we might find the same amount of work gets done?"

"Exactly."

"That, Kes, is precisely why I need your help. Now, to the second part of my plan. Has Rey told you that I have commissioned a wardrobe for you?"

"No, sir. Th-thank you."

He waves his hand in dismissal. "You can't very well keep it in your foot locker. This is what I propose. I am going to create a new position for you. Special Stormtrooper Liaison. Your new duties will be to help me plan a complete overhaul of the stormtrooper program. In return, you will receive officer's quarters and credits instead of chits for the commissary. You will wear a uniform instead of armor and will be allowed to wear civilian clothing when not on-duty. Though I would prefer you confine that to when you are with Rey. What do you say?"

She sits stone still, rarely blinking. Finally she says, "Quarters?"

"Yes."

"And you'll really make changes for us?"

"Yes."

"But I wouldn't be a stormtrooper any longer."

"No."

"Would I still be able to spend afternoons with Rey?"

"Of course. Unless something comes up, but I hope that will be rare."

"Then my answer is yes, Supreme Leader."

"Excellent. Now, let's get started right away …"

* * *

"Why didn't you tell me?" she accuses the minute he enters her quarters.

He goes to his table and removes his helmet and gloves. Once he's done with that he turns to find her glaring at him. She's wearing a long burgundy silk nightgown with a lovely lace robe, but the look on her face tells him he won't be feeling it under his hands for a while yet.

"Tell you what?" he asks evenly.

"About the bloody holo from Eshara!" she nearly screeches.

Oh. That. He supposes he probably should have mentioned it. But it was on the news feeds almost two weeks ago, how is she just seeing it now?

"Honestly, I forgot." He remembers finding out about the deeply strange relationship between Vitok and Hux. "That was a very … odd day."

"Why?" Her hands are on her hips and he's really wishing he could find a way through this conversation.

"You'll probably wish I'd told you this too, but it would appear that Hux and Vit-"

"Oh, you mean about Armitage and Vitok? Yeah, that is a little weird, but they're happy, so …"

Wait, Armitage? Hux's first name is _Armitage_? "You knew?" he asks, aghast.

"Well, yeah. He collects her after training. They usually share their mid-day meal." Her head is cocked to the side and her expression puzzled.

Somehow, that's worse. Vitok and Hux have _lunch_ every day? He thought it had been something less … real. He really didn't want to know this and he scrubs his face with his hands. Armitage?

"You're surprised about this? Didn't you see the way he was looking at her when you rocked the ship?"

"No … I … I was focused elsewhere." Notably on Rey.

"Oh. Well, _I_ certainly wasn't surprised when he showed up the first day."

This is all too much and he has to sit down. He goes to her sitting room and sinks down on her settee. _Armitage_?

Rey follows and sits across from him, taking one of her chairs. He purses his lips at her choice to not take her usual place by his side.

"Kylo, I understand that you're a little … thrown by this, but I really want to talk about Eshara."

"Right, yes." He tries to focus on her, but his mind is still spinning. Are Vitok and Arm-no, Hux. He's _Hux_. Are they _serious_? And why is all of this coming up now? "The holo was posted many days ago, why are you asking about it now?"

"Because I don't look at the holonet. I don't like the propaganda." She wrinkles her nose. "Kes showed me. She thought I'd _like_ it. Well … I _did_ like seeing you help those people. But the reaction …" Her eyes grow hard.

"What reaction?"

"Apparently I'm the darling of the holonet. They _love_ me and the First Order released a statement that I was _healthy_ and _happy_ with the Supreme Leader!" Sarcasm oozes from each syllable.

He bristles. "Is that wrong?" he asks, his brows arching.

"Well, no. But it makes it seem like I'm one of _you_!" she exclaims.

"And what is so wrong with that?" he asks quietly.

"I don't believe in _anything_ that you're doing." Her fists clench in her lap.

He tilts his head and asks, "Is that really true?"

"What do you _mean_? Of course it's true!" she says, a bit more loudly than he'd hoped.

"I know you were impressed by those children on Eshara. You nearly killed yourself to save one of their parents."

"That is _not_ the same as agreeing with the First Order," she states emphatically.

"What if I told you that if not for the First Order, those same children would have been in that mine when it exploded?"

"What?" she gasps out.

"Oh yes, before we arrived, those children were working their fingers to the _bone_ at that _very same mine_. Is what I'm trying to accomplish really so evil, Rey?" he asks in frustration.

The fiery fury leaves her immediately. "They … those children?"

"Yes, just like you. They were working _every day_ until we landed on Eshara. I ask you again, is it really so wrong? Yes, we require a certain level of obedience. We make sure that the children understand who is feeding them. But, is that such a horrible price to pay for the happiness you saw as those girls played, well-fed and educated?"

"I … I … I don't know!" She stands swiftly and crosses the room, putting her back to him.

He comes up behind her and gently places his hands on her shoulders. He's relieved when she doesn't pull away. The fabric is fine against his fingers and she's warm and solid. He wants to move past this as quickly as possible, she looks far too delicious.

"Rey … isn't it possible that not everything you believe is based on the truth?" he says softly into her ear.

"Leia would never lie to me," she growls, turning her head to glare at him.

"No … not intentionally. But perhaps she's unaware of how things have been changing on First Order worlds. It's gradual, most are not where Eshara is, but would you allow for the possibility that I'm doing something _good_?"

She turns her head away from him but leans back against his chest. He ghosts his fingertips up and down her arms, enjoying the sumptuous fabric. They stand there, silent while he continues to touch her, soothe her. She shudders and then pulls away, turning to him. Her eyes are wide and confused.

"Then why the dark side?" she asks, her tone pleading.

He lets out a long breath. "Because it's more powerful."

"That's not true. It's just easier," she dismisses.

Kylo scoffs, remembering the savagery of his training. "Hardly." He sighs. "I suppose, from a certain point of view, it's _not_ more powerful. But what it allows me to _do_ gives me more leverage over others. You're right. Your healing is exceptionally powerful, and will only grow more so. Bringing people back from the brink of death, there is very little that could be considered _more_ powerful, but healing will not conquer."

"And that's what you want. To conquer." Her shoulders fall slightly.

"A poor choice of words," he offers in an attempt to pacify her.

"Is it?" she asks doubtfully.

He rubs his forehead. "It's necessary."

"Oh, here we go again, everything you do that's horrific is _necessary_. The First Order is _really_ just trying to free the people, please don't notice all the murder," she sneers, throwing her hands up.

"Please don't do that," he requests softly.

"Do what?" Her face is contemptuous and her tone impatient.

"Mock me. Mock my beliefs."

She rolls her eyes. "I don't do that, I'm onl-" she suddenly stops speaking and her mouth opens and closes before her hand flies to her lips. She looks down then she returns her gaze to him as her hand drops. "Oh, Force, I do! Kylo, I'm sorry. I never thought of it like that before."

He's genuinely shocked at her easy capitulation and he's wrong footed. How does he handle a _contrite_ Rey?

"I … it's alright. I know you don't mean anything by it."

"Well, no, that's not really true. Maybe not now, but before I certainly did." Her arms go around herself and her expression is troubled.

"That is the past." He doesn't care about her months of derision now that she's here with him. Now that she loves him.

"I suppose …" she looks away.

He approaches her and pulls her arms from around her body then takes her hands. As she usually does, she laces their fingers together. He catches her eyes and they're still marred by guilt. It's time to change the subject. "Tell me exactly what your concerns are about the holo from Eshara."

She blinks quickly and the guilt is replaced by shame. "I'm worried that my friends will think I'm a traitor," she says lowly, looking down.

"Then they don't know you. Have you done anything against your own moral code?"

"No …" Her eyes find his.

"In fact, your presence here has had a direct impact on improving the lives of stormtroopers. If you weren't here, I never would have met Kes. If I'd never met Kes …"

"You wouldn't be making changes."

"Exactly."

She grows quiet, fiddling with her gown.

"What else?" he prods.

"I just … I don't like the way they're writing about me on the holonet. About us. What we have … it's private."

"And it will remain so. They may speculate as much as they like. I won't be allowing anything about us to become fodder for gossips, I promise."

"Al-Alright." Her eyes seem worried.

"You are still bothered by something."

"Well, not bothered, precisely … maybe it even makes me happy. Your mother, she must have seen it."

He stiffens and tries to keep his tone from showing his ire. "Yes, I imagine she has."

"That means she knows I'm safe, that you're taking good care of me, that you would never … what we talked about, what I worried-"

"I understand." He has no wish to think about that _ever_ again. But Rey is correct. At least now _she_ won't be accusing him of hurting Rey like _that_.

Her lips quirk into a sardonic smile. "And hey, all the women you've slept with now know you're taken, so there's that." Her attempt at a joke falls flat.

"Rey …" He places his hands on her shoulders and rubs small circles with his thumbs, pulling her closer.

"I'm sorry, that was stupid," she says looking down.

"Does it still bother you?"

"It shouldn't." She shifts her eyes to the side, still not looking at him.

"But it does." He cups her face with his hand and gently encourages her to look at him. Her eyes are full of shame and sadness.

"Yes," she admits timidly.

"Tell me why?"

Her eyes cut to his and flare with hot anger. "I don't like the thought of them _touching_ you," she hisses with a surprising amount of venom.

Kylo blinks, pulling his hand from her face and replacing it at her shoulder. "But they didn't, I never allowed it."

"Well they had to have touched you in at least _one_ place." Her eyes are narrowed and he doesn't quite know what to make of her anger. But she's not wrong, exactly.

"Yes, alright. I meant-"

"I know. I'm just being stupid again. I don't know what's wrong with me." Her shoulders slump and she's drawing in on herself. She pulls at her nightgown, teasing a thread from the fabric.

"I think about it too," he offers.

"What do you mean?" she asks, her movements stopping. She looks up and her face is open.

He's tried so hard not to think about Yoryn, how he'd _touched_ her. But maybe that's how she's feeling. Powerless, angry, choked with jealousy. "I … I don't like that someone else has kissed you," he finally says.

"But … Don't you know?" she asks with confusion.

"Know what?"

"That … that the way you kiss me, the way it feels… nothing with anyone else could ever mean anything to me after that."

He wants to press her, ask for details, but this is too clear an opportunity. He knows _exactly_ what she's saying. "Precisely."

"What do you mean?"

"Let me turn it back around. Do you truly not understand how different what we share is from my prior experiences?" His tone leaves no doubt as to how he feels about his past assignations.

"I … I don't know. I try to hold on to that, but then I think of their hands on you and I just ..." She trails off and her eyes seem lost.

"I've told you that I never allowed them to see me, touch me, not the way that I _beg you_ to touch me." He places his hands at her waist and pulls her just a little closer, sensing she's not quite ready for him to hold her.

"You … yes, you've said that you didn't … that I'm the first… our skin, touching," she finally manages awkwardly.

"Yes, exactly. Did you know that you are the only woman to see me naked apart from my _mother_?" He only just keeps from cringing. He must love Rey an incomprehensible amount if he's willing to bring _that woman_ into this.

"I thought that was just since you joined the First Order."

"I did not engage in such activities while Jedi."

"Oh." She places her hands on his chest and draws nearer.

"Hmm." He nods and looks at her pointedly.

"Well how was I supposed to know that?" she asks defensively.

"You could have asked."

"Fine, I'll ask. Have you really only ever touched me with your bare hands?"

"Yes."

She blinks rapidly then huffs. "And my hands, are they really the only ones that have felt your skin everywhere else but … there?"

"Yes."

"So it was just …" She grimaces.

"Perfunctory, meaningless, nothing? Yes. Emphatically yes. Please, Rey … you must understand that I might as well have only used my hand!" he bursts out, clutching her shoulders.

"Then why _didn't_ you?" Her fire is returning.

Kylo sighs heavily. "Because Snoke encouraged me. He said that passion was the way to the dark side."

"Passion?" she asks with a small voice.

"No!" He clenches his eyes shut for a moment. "No, Rey … not in the way that I have come to understand passion. I don't … I don't think Snoke understood _me_."

"What do you mean?"

"He … he told me that if I … partook that I would have a better understanding of the dark side of the Force, that the Jedi were wrong. But … I think both of them are."

"I still don't understand."

"They both eschew love. While one encourages a lack of restraint, giving into temptation, allowing emotions to rule, the other says we must not connect, that love clouds judgement. I think … I think the Force wants us to find _both_. You and I, we're stronger together and we are deeply attached, with both compassion _and_ passion. With you … stars, Rey, how can you not know? How can you not understand that what I feel with you is beyond anything, everything I've ever felt?" He shakes his head and mutters, "As if I felt anything."

Sadness infuses her expression. "You didn't feel _anything_?"

His frustration at being so misunderstood boils over. "No! Of course I didn't! Yes, it was warmer, softer than my own hand, but can you truly be so blind?" he shouts.

She pulls back, her eyes holding a note of fear.

"Sweetheart, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you. I just … that you don't know how different everything is with you … That you can even think for one moment that what we have compares in any way … I … Maker, it _hurts_."

"I never meant to hurt you."

"I know, I know … but, Rey … I need you to believe me when I say that everything, _everything_ is different with you."

She looks down and he watches her intently.

The silence stretches but then she lifts her head slowly and says, "I do. I do know. It's like what you said. How it's not the same as it was with Yoryn, how it's so much _more_."

"Yes, exactly," he says eagerly, hoping he's finally getting through to her.

"But … what about … when we …" she trails off and won't meet his eyes.

It takes him a moment, but then he realizes what she's talking about. "When we take that last step?"

"Yes," she whispers.

"What are you worried about?"

Her eyes flit to his but she doesn't say anything.

"Tell me, please."

"I'm worried that … I just …" Her eyes clench shut and when she again opens them he finds such pain. "I'm worried that I'll just be one more, that it won't mean anything to you," she whispers.

"Oh, sweetheart…" He cups her cheek with his hand and makes sure she's looking at him. "You could never be 'just one more' for the simple reason that you cannot be in the same category. It's not possible. Sharing that with you will mean _everything_ to me. Do you truly think that I could feel anything else? To be with you in that way? Rey … my love … nothing could ever mean more to me. That you've even considered giving me that gift is all that matters."

She wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him close and she's finally in his arms properly. "I … I _do_ want to."

He inhales quickly. "When you're ready." He's touched her everywhere and felt her hands on his entire form, yet he's almost intimidated by the prospect of merging with her, joining their bodies in that way.

"But …"

"I need you to think about this, Rey." He refuses to accept this from her unless she is absolutely certain.

"I _have_ thought about it and I'm rea-"

"Think on it some more, please," he pleads. "I need you to be sure. If you gave yourself to me and then regretted it, it would take me a very long time to recover." He can't even imagine what that would do to him.

"I could never regret it, Kylo," she says sincerely.

"Please," he entreats quietly.

"Okay … okay," she says.

She threads her fingers through his hair, tugging slightly. He groans in pleasure as he pulls her as close as he can. His head is thrown back, enjoying how her hands feel on his scalp. Then she's releasing his hair and her hand goes to his face, encouraging him to bend forward. He finds her eyes and gazes into them. They're warm and full of love. All he can do is kiss her soundly, tasting her, giving into the longing. He gathers her up in his arms and takes her to bed.

BR

He'd pulled away the silk wrapping her gorgeous body and brought her as high as he could, delighting in the access she grants him. That she allows him to delve his fingers between her folds, taste her, swirl and lick until she cries out his name is the most amazing thing he's ever experienced. That she whispers she loves him as he holds her while she comes back into herself is nothing short of miraculous.

"Rey?" His lips move along her soft skin, so warm and pink from their exertions.

"Mmm?" she asks with languid contentment. Their naked bodies are wrapped around each other, her back to his front. He kisses along her shoulder until he reaches just under her ear.

"Do you remember me asking if I could show you something in the middle of the week?" he murmurs against her neck.

"When I told you that you could see me whenever you liked? Yes, I remember."

"Well, it's a few days from now, and I wondered if you would be willing to allow me to take you on a short trip, just the two of us."

"Of course. I trust you."

"We would be gone one … maybe two nights, if you like it there."

"Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise. I do think you'll like it. At the very least you'll be away from the ship. I know you don't like the coldness of space."

"No … but I'm adjusting. I don't mind it nearly so much now. The plants and flowers really do help."

"I'm glad." He brushes her hair back from her face, pulling it over her shoulder.

"Is it alright with Vitok that I miss that much training?"

"Oh … I didn't think to ask. But I will."

"Then it should be fine."

"Thank you … this is very important to me."

"Then I look forward to it." She shifts in his arms, turning to face him. "Uhm, what do I need to bring?"

"That's been taken care of. Pack anything you'd like, but I've arranged for you to have everything you'll need. Which reminds me ..." Kylo untangles himself from Rey and gets up from her bed. He finds his trousers on the floor and pulls out a slim black box from one of the pockets.

"Your necklace," he explains as he presents it to her.

Her eyes light as she unconsciously strokes the rainbow gem dangling between her beautiful breasts. She opens the box and smiles. "Just like new." She looks up at him and says, "Thank you, Kylo."

"You are very welcome, my love."

"Now, get back into bed," she orders.

"With pleasure," he purrs. He likes the look she's giving him and hurries to comply.

* * *

"We will be departing tomorrow and will return in three days," Kylo informs Hux.

"Three _days_?" the general sputters.

"Yes, three days. And I would prefer not to be disturbed."

"Well that's simply impossible. You can't just disappear for three days with one day's notice!"

Kylo rolls his eyes. Perhaps he _should_ have told Hux earlier, but with the Resistance laying low things have been quieter than since the war began. "I'm sure you can handle anything that comes up. Consult with Vitok if you have any concerns. I'm sure that won't be a problem for you," he says pointedly and is satisfied with the pink spots high on the ginger general's cheeks.

"I _will_ be contacting you every day," he says with asperity.

Kylo wants to argue simply out of habit but he stops himself. The war council is meeting in a week and he probably should make himself available. A few minutes speaking with Hux won't actually impede any of his plans. "Fine. Once per day and no more!" he exclaims.

Hux nods shortly. "That is acceptable, _assuming_ we have no situations that require your attention. What is your destination?"

Kylo pauses, he has visions of Hux following them, keeping the _Finalizer_ in orbit. It doesn't really matter, he realizes, as long as there are no emergencies. "Sheytaya," he says finally, allowing himself a small smile behind his mask. He's certain she'll love Sheytaya's unique qualities.

"Good, that's only three hours from our present position."

"I'm so glad you approve," Kylo says snidely.

"Three days?" the general confirms.

"Three days. There is a chance we will return early if she doesn't enjoy it, but I'm fairly certain she'll be asking for more time."

"Which you won't allow."

"We'll see." He knows he can't really be away for longer than the time he's planned, but it's terribly entertaining to fluster _Armitage_.

Hux's nostrils flair.

"That will be all, General."

"Yes, sir," Hux mutters with a frustrated huff.

* * *

"Thank you for making the time to see me," Kylo says, standing in Vitok's entryway, his helmet abandoned in his quarters.

Vitok looks at him oddly, also without her mask. "When the Supreme Leader asks to meet with you, you say yes."

Kylo flinches. "I don't … I don't want that from you, Vitok."

"I know, but still, you have it. I'm not saying that I felt I had no choice, I'm saying that it is simply the nature of our positions. You hold dominion over half of the galaxy, and the First Order's reach grows every day. You are literally the most powerful man in all the charted systems. You deserve my respect and my fealty. Besides, I haven't been able to needle you about Rey for over a week," she teases with a glint in her eyes. And just like that, she is Vitok and he is Kylo.

"Please, let's sit," she offers and Kylo rather gracelessly falls into one of her chairs.

"I really do appreciate this. I know that your evenings have been … busy," he says delicately.

"I wondered if you'd mention Armitage. Didn't waste much time did you?" she asks as she takes the chair opposite his.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks, his tone vaguely wounded.

"Honestly? You've been a bit _focused_ lately. I didn't think you'd care."

"Yes, well …" He sighs heavily. "Armitage?"

"What about him?"

"No, I mean his name is _Armitage_?"

"You've worked with the man for four years, how can you only now be learning his name?"

"It never occurred to me to wonder."

"And you never noticed his name plastered all over the reports he leaves on your datapad?"

He looks down briefly. "I tend to … skim."

She snorts. "You're very lucky that you're some sort of Force miracle or you'd be out on your ass. Thank the Maker for your girl, she'll make something of you yet."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Eshara. That was the first time I saw you becoming the man I always hoped you could be. And that was because of Rey."

"Not you too," he groans. "Hux won't stop going on about it. All the excellent propaganda potential, the _optics_. He wants to do an interview with Rey!"

"That is a horrible idea, you know how she feels about the First Order. You'd get about thirty seconds of usable footage."

"I am aware. Perhaps you could help convince Hux to leave it be?"

"I could try, but he does so enjoy working on the First Order's _image_."

Kylo huffs but smiles.

"Why did you want to see me?" Vitok asks.

"Things are going … well with Rey and you helped me. I just … I'm taking her for a short trip tomorrow and I suppose I wanted to thank you. I know you're good for her. I don't believe we would be where we are if you hadn't listened to me when I needed to talk. I just … You've always been there for me, even when I pushed you away. So thank you. Thank you for being my friend when I likely didn't deserve one."

Vitok's head is cocked to the side and her mouth opens and closes. Finally she smiles gently. "You're welcome, Kylo."

* * *

"Where is the pilot?" she asks as they enter his shuttle.

"Well … I thought you might like to do the honors."

"What?" she exclaims, excitement gleaming in her eyes.

"You do like to fly if I recall correctly."

"Really?" she squeals.

"Yes, really." He's almost knocked off his feet as she barrels into him, throwing her arms and legs around him. He barely catches her in time, and his quick reflexes are rewarded with an armful of Rey. He nuzzles against her neck, enjoying her scent.

"Thank you, Kylo," she breathes into his ear. She's wrapped around him at just the right angle and he finds himself imagining pressing her against the bulkhead and thrusting into her. Now is not the time for such thoughts, but he can still feel himself hardening. He's beginning to wonder if he's destined to spend his life in a state of perpetual arousal. It's not such a bad fate.

He pulls back slightly so that he may see her face. "I know you've not been able to fly for some time."

"No … I haven't really had the opportunity." Her eyes cloud and shift away from his.

Kylo tips her face towards his. "You are not my prisoner, Rey," he says seriously.

She nods. "I know." Then she kisses him softly and leaps from his arms, racing to the pilot's chair.

* * *

Rey lets out a holler of pure joy as they enter hyperspace. Yes, she will like her gift.

* * *

She expertly lands his shuttle on the private starport situated on a cliff overhanging a turbulent ocean. He's arranged that they be the only guests, he has no wish to share Rey with _anyone_. It's stormy and gray, but it should clear by evening. She stays seated, watching the thick sheets of rain through the viewscreen. While she's focused on the downpour, Kylo pulls a rich emerald cloak and another in black from his bag. Rey has only brought one small piece of luggage and it pleases him that she trusts him to have seen to her needs.

"Come, Rey," he beckons to her.

She blinks, taking notice of him once again. "Sorry, I just never really get used to rain. It's so lovely."

"The weather on Sheytaya is … odd. It will clear by evening. However, for now …" He pulls her to her feet and wraps her in the long cloak, taking care to tuck her hair under the hood.

She looks down and smooths her hands along the fabric. "Oh! It's so soft!"

"It's Allyrion silk, it will protect you from the rain," he says as he pulls his own cloak around his tall frame.

Rey looks around the shuttle, appearing to be looking for something. "Where's your helmet?"

"I left it behind."

"What?" she gasps.

"You prefer I not wear it. As we are here for you, there was no reason to bother with it."

"Thank you!" She smiles brightly then her expression shifts to curiousity. "What do you mean, here for me?" she asks quizzically.

"You'll see," he says, smiling at her mischievously

Her lips twitch, suppressing a smile. He takes her hand and they walk down the ramp into the rain.

"Welcome, Supreme Leader, Lady Rey," a slim protocol droid greets them. "If you will follow me, your bags will be seen to. Everything is prepared to your specifications, sir."

"Good."

Rey looks up at him and a gust of wind stirs the curls around her face. "Why are we here? What do you want to show me?"

"Patience, sweetheart," he says as he places a hand at the small of her back, guiding her.

"That's not one of my strengths."

"Consider it a training exercise."

"You aren't my teacher," she grumbles then grimaces. "I didn't mean it like that."

"Shhh, I know. I didn't think you did. Let's get inside."

* * *

Just as he'd hoped, the rain is beginning to let up just as they reach where they will be staying. It's a huge space with gauzy fabric partitioning the room into separate areas for sleeping, dining and a sunken sitting room. It's decorated in shades of ivory and warm pale yellows and pinks. At first it seems a strange contrast to the dark gray skies, but then the sun breaks through the clouds, streaming through in glowing beams. Suddenly, the light outside has the same warm quality as the colors of their rooms.

One entire wall is open to the outside, a barrier of forced air keeping the temperature comfortable but still giving the sensation of being open to the elements. There is a great deck that juts out over the ocean.

She pads to the threshold between the room and the deck and looks out on the calming sea. "Oh! Kylo, this is … it's breathtaking."

"I hoped you would like it."

She looks over at him and she's beaming. "It's _exquisite_."

He comes up behind her and takes her cloak from her then hangs them both near the door. He returns to her and pulls her into his arms; she fits herself perfectly against him. He kisses her temple and has a moment of nervousness. So far she seems to like their accommodations, he just hope she likes everything else.

"Let's explore, shall we?" he offers.

* * *

They wandered the huge space, finding a large tub that made Rey gasp and mutter about all the wasted water. He's quite looking forward to enjoying it with her at some point. He'd shown her her dressing room complete with several new gowns and everything else she could possibly need. She'd run her fingers along the silks and organzas but hadn't said anything.

Now he sits on the deck, waiting for her to change. He's in his usual trousers, but had selected a black velvet tunic with subtle silk embroidery. He doesn't generally deviate in his wardrobe, but had found himself wanting to look … nice for her. He watches the waves, taking in the unusual formation of rocks coming out of the ocean. This is why he'd selected Sheytaya.

He remembers coming here as a boy, how enchanted he'd been by this magical place where the weather changes by the hour and the colors, oh the colors … the sky is clearing but it's still thick with steel gray clouds. The sea reflects the canopy of slate, but where the sun breaks through, spots of deep blue and teal dot the water. It still entrances him.

He hears soft footsteps and he turns to find Rey coming towards him. Her gown falls down her body like liquid, pooling generously at her feet. It reflects the colors of the room, the fabric a combination of cream, pale coral, and a light rose that reminds him of what's coming. There is fine beading scattered along the torso, cascading down her hips. There are slits in the multiple skirts, giving him teasing glimpses of her legs as she walks. It has a wide neck and flowing sleeves that nearly touch her fingertips. She's piled her loose curls atop her head, holding it in place with a glittering comb that compliments the beading.

He's never seen her look so elegant and he wants to go to his knees in front of her. Surely he is not worthy of such an ethereal creature. She looks every bit like Lady Rey and he aches for the time when he claims her in front of the entire galaxy.

"You're so beautiful," he whispers.

She looks away briefly, but a shy smile pulls at her lips. "I … I wasn't sure which one to pick. You didn't say where we're going."

"We're staying right here," he says as he goes to her, almost afraid to touch her perfection. But he pushes past his trepidation and puts his hand at her slim waist, his other hand cupping the back of her head. She looks up into his face and he leans forward and gently caresses her. "I'm not sharing you," he murmurs against her mouth.

She presses him back and peers up at him. "Kylo, why are we here?"

"I told you, there's something I wanted to show you."

"But, all of this, more gowns, this place … I can't even imagine the credits … leaving the ship …"

"It's a special occasion."

" _What_ special occasion?" Her patience is wearing thin.

He'd hoped to wait until the sunset, but she clearly won't allow herself to simply enjoy the experience until he tells her.

He takes both her hands and looks deeply into her eyes. "My love. Today is your birthday."

She blinks saying nothing. Something almost like fear crosses her features. Eventually, she whispers "What?"

"You're 21 years old today."

She swallows and he sees a cautious happiness creep into her eyes. "I am? I … I've never known." She looks down at their hands. "I thought I might be, but I wasn't sure if I was 20 or 21. I just counted from the day they left me …" It's almost as if she's talking to herself, then she looks up, her eyes wide. "Today is really my birthday?"

"Yes. You were born on the twelfth day of the fourth month." He leans forward and kisses her gently. "Happy birthday, Rey," he says, drawing back.

To his alarm, her eyes fill with tears. But then she's wrapped around him and holding him so tight. She's saying something, but her voice is muffled against his chest. He bends over and quietly rumbles into her ear, "I can't hear you, sweetheart."

She pulls back slightly. "Thank you. Thank you so much." A wide, open smile belies her tears.

"You're welcome. I wish that I could give you the family you deserve, but I can promise to do whatever I'm able to make up for the life that you've led."

"This, all on its own, is wonderful. I have a _birthday_. Just like everyone else, I have a birthday!" she exclaims in wonder.

"Yes darling, you have a birthday. And I hope I can make this as special as they always should have been."

She shakes her head. "You already have. I never thought I would know. Not that it really mattered on Jakku … but even scavengers celebrate."

"Of course they do. And you never had that. I intend to make that up to you, and so much more, starting tonight. Look out at the sea." He guides her over to the edge of the deck so that they have a perfect view of the coming display.

While they've been talking, the light has shifted and the sun is beginning to set. The clouds have broken apart and the sky glows a deep pink with streaks of orange and violet. "Oh," Rey breathes softly.

"Sheytaya is strange; every mid-afternoon it storms, then it clears by evening. The effect is the most beautiful sunsets in the galaxy. And … look," he points to her right and she sees it, the brilliant rainbow arcing across the sky.

"Kylo …" she gasps, taking it all in.

"I know." When he was younger he'd never wanted to leave.

He watches her face as another rainbow breaks through the remaining clouds. The wonder on her face fills him with a satisfaction he's never known. She's so _happy_. He wants to find a way to put that expression on her face as often as possible. He just wants to give her everything. Scour the galaxy for every beautiful place, find every delight from every corner of the systems. He will spend his life finding new ways to please her. Even then, he knows he will never be able to repay her for the gift of her love.

The rainbows begin to fade as the sun sinks lower, and the colors brighten and deepen. Soon there are also cobalt and aubergine accents, something about the atmosphere creating colors not usually found in sunsets. The orange light plays across the planes of her face, giving her a glow that reminds him of how her light feels moving through him. He comes up behind her and pulls her to him, threading his arms around her, just under her breasts. She sighs and settles back into him, placing her hands over his forearms. They continue to watch the unfolding majesty.

The way she fits so perfectly against him reinforces his certainty that she was made for hm. Somehow the Force knew what he needed and made her _real_. No one could compliment him more. The way that she stands up to him, her fiery personality … she's glorious. And her light, her sacred light. He used to push away the call to the light, thinking it weakness. Now he knows it was simply her. His soul had been reaching for its mate all along.

The sun has almost reached the horizon and now every imaginable color is streaking across the thick clouds and wide sky. There is a blazing red corona around the disappearing sun.

"I've never seen anything like this. I didn't even know something could be so exquisite. Thank you. Thank you for bringing me here."

"I had hoped you would like it," he says softly.

"You're very good at thinking of things I will like." She leans her head back, resting it against his shoulder.

He snorts, remembering how she'd asked to be put in a cell. "What?"

"Oh, when you first … arrived you didn't seem to think so."

"Let's not talk about that." He looks down, finding sadness in her face.

"I'm sorry …"

"I know," she says softly.

They watch as the sun sets and the sky becomes a deep indigo. They say nothing until the first stars begin to twinkle.

* * *

"Are you hungry? There's something else I wish to show you, but we have some time yet."

"There's _more_?" Rey says with wide eyes.

"Oh yes. I told you, I'm making up for 20 missed birthdays."

"You really didn't have to do this."

"Yes, Rey, I did."

* * *

Dinner had been a decadent affair. He'd requested numerous delicacies and Rey had tried them all with enthusiasm. She liked the local crustaceans the most, gleefully cracking open their shells. He'd realized that eating with her hands was probably more comfortable for her.

Now dessert has just arrived and he's excited to share this with her. He loves finding new sweets to please her. The delivery droid backs from their room, leaving them at the fine dining table. Kylo removes the covers and is quite pleased with the quality of the chef.

She gasps when she sees them, white clouds of meringue floating on a light custard, a delicate caramelized sugar cage suspended over each airy confection.

"That's dessert?" she asks, her eyes delighted.

"Yes, they're called floating islands."

"How do I even eat it?"

"You shatter the cage, like this," he says as he uses his spoon to crack the spun sugar. It breaks apart and rains down on the desert.

"Oh! What fun!" Then she's using her own spoon and hits the sugar rather harder than necessary. His beloved seems to be fond of destruction.

He takes a spoonful of the light meringue and swirls it in the custard, making sure to capture shards of the caramelized sugar. "Do you remember when I fed you lylanberries?"

"Of course. It was the most amazing thing I've ever tasted!"

"You might find this rivals it," he offers as he holds the spoon to her lips. She holds his eyes as she takes the spoon into her mouth. Watching the confection disappear into her mouth reminds him forcibly of something _else_ disappearing into that warm mouth. He gets the distinct impression she knows _exactly_ what this is doing to him.

"Maker … that … you might be right. It melts in my mouth. The custard is so rich, but the …. what is that part called?" she asks, pointing at the dessert.

"It's called meringue. It's made by whipping eggs and sugar then cooking them lightly."

"Can they make this on the ship?"

He smiles. "I'm sure it can be arranged."

He feeds her another bite and soon they're feeding each other.

"Come here," he says tugging her from her chair. "Too far away." He pulls her into his lap and continues to spoon the dessert into her mouth. But now she's close enough to kiss and dessert is forgotten as captures her lips and slips his tongue into her mouth. Soon their tongues are rolling together and he's kissing her deeply. Her hands go into his hair. Maker, her mouth, her mouth … he's not sure anything will ever truly be better than the intimacy of kissing her. Somehow, that he never gave this to another, it makes it hallowed.

He kisses down her slender neck and then caresses the tops of her breasts. The bodice of her gown pushes them up, giving her a very alluring décolletage. He runs his tongue down the valley between her luscious breasts and buries his face between them. Then he gently tugs her dress down so that they spring free.

He pulls back to look at her. Her lips are red from his kisses and her hair is beginning to fall down. She makes a perfect picture, delightfully debauched from his attentions. He groans as he swirls his tongue around a pert nipple and Rey cries out. Stars, she's _perfection_. He could make love to her every morning, afternoon, and night and never be sated. His hunger for her is endless.

She pushes her delectable bottom back and forth along his hard cock and he moans as he sucks harder. He takes her other breast in his hand, stroking the tightened point between his sensitive fingers.

"Rey," he groans into her soft flesh. "You are everything I've ever wanted. I couldn't have fathomed you. Every fantasy I've ever had came true the minute you let me touch you."

" _Every_ fantasy?" she asks with a raised brow.

"Well, there may be a few that I'm saving."

"For a _special occasion_?" Her eyes glint with wickedness.

"Something like that." He returns to suckling against her breast, the feeling of the pebbled skin settling low in his abdomen.

Then he hears it, the low sound coming from across the sea and he remembers the second reason he's brought her here. He stops his languid movements and pulls her gown back up, slipping her breasts back into place.

"What are you doing?" she asks in confusion.

"We need to go back to the terrace," he says as he nudges her from his lap and stands.

"But …" She squirms, clearly trying to alleviate the fire he'd stoked within her.

He's in a similar predicament, fabulously turned on, but he doesn't want her to miss this.

"We'll pick up where we left off soon, I promise." He takes her hand and leads her towards the deck.

He hears another soft sound and he knows they don't have much time. There are two chairs angled towards the large outcropping of rocks he'd been admiring earlier with two soft blankets waiting.

"Please, sit. It's about to start." He takes the warm blanket and wraps it around her shoulders and takes his seat next to her. He doesn't bother with the blanket, leaving it in case she gets cold.

Then the air is filled with a low drone and a higher melody weaves around it. Then the music swells. It's a haunting, lonely sound, speaking of ancient seafarers and long forgotten lands.

"What … what _is_ this?"

"Do you see that large formation of rocks just off the shore?" The largest moon is low in the sky, wide and milky, casting its glow along the water. Two smaller moons are above it, one with a red cast. They provide enough light to be able to see the strange collection of stones.

"Yes …"

"It's called a wave organ. The Sheytayans built it generations ago. When the tide hits just the right place, the waves push air through the pipes and the ocean plays music. No two melodies are the same. We could listen a thousand times and never hear the same music twice."

"Oh, Kylo … it's magical."

"It is, isn't it? Now shhh, it only last a few minutes.

She settles into her chair and soon her eyes close but she sways slightly to the music, a jilted rhythm coming from the waves.

Her hair has tumbled free, and the moonlight makes her curls shine and her skin luminous. He's enraptured by watching her and transported by the music. It's a perfect melding, wild music for a wild girl. She may be in expensive fabrics, but she will always be a creature of nature, wrought by the sands, raised by the winds.

Then it's finished almost before it began and she frowns slightly. "Oh … it's over?"

"I'm afraid so. We'll hear it again tomorrow morning as the tide goes out, though it's different when the water is receding."

She stands, letting the blanket fall from her shoulders. She looks like something from the fairy stories he loved as a child. There's magic in the wind and she approaches him, holding his eyes intensely.

He's still sitting and she pulls him to his feet, now looking up into his face. Her eyes are so dark in the dim light, but her lips seem deep and meant for kissing.

Her hands come up and she holds his face. He couldn't possibly look away.

"I love you," she says, her voice strong and clear. There is a certainty in her voice he's never heard before. She's told him she loves him, several times in the days since she first accepted the truth of her feelings. But this is different somehow.

"I love you, Rey."

"I know, but you don't understand what I'm trying to say. I _love_ you. You are the only man I have ever loved. You are the only person I've ever said those words to. That you would do this for me, give me such a perfect day …. Flying, that amazing sunset … then that music, stars, that _music_. And it's all because it's my birthday. Which you gave me, too."

"Actually, I do have a gift for you,"

An affectionate smile fills her face. "Later. I'm sure that it's as perfect as everything you give me always is, but right now I need you to listen." Her expression returns to its intense focus.

"I'm listening." He's not sure he could do anything else.

"I ran from you when I probably shouldn't have. I rejected you when I know I _shouldn't_ have. I didn't know who you were. But now I do. I see what a beautiful soul you have and, Force, I love you Kylo."

He starts to speak but she places two fingers against his lips. "I've told you that I'm yours. I've told you that I love you. Let me give myself to you. I want to be with you. I want to feel you inside me. Please, make love to me."

He inhales sharply through his nose. She finally pulls her fingers from his lips but now he doesn't know what to say. He's wanted this, oh how he's wanted this. So many nights, the dream of joining his body with hers was the only thing giving him solace. And now she's here, wanting to be with him and he's … nervous. He feels like he's never done this before. He supposes he hasn't, after a fashion. He's never been with someone who matters. And Maker knows, no one has ever mattered to him even a fraction of what Rey does.

He realizes he's afraid. He might hurt her. What if she doesn't like it? He knows she likes it when he buries his face in her heat. She nearly sobs when he does that. But … what if he doesn't give her what she expects, what she needs … What if he fails her?

She cocks her head and opens the Bond slightly. She never opens it fully, only ever giving him partial access. He senses her probing at his feelings and he almost pushes her out, but stops himself. It would be easier that she sense it than to explain it.

Her expression moves from curious to concerned. "Oh, love, no. You won't hurt me, and I know that you will be perfect," she reassures.

He's blushing furiously. Finally he utters, "I don't want to disappoint you."

"You won't. I want to be with you in this way and I know how I feel when you touch me. I want to show you with my body how much I love you. Please, Kylo."

She pulls him down and kisses him with such longing, such yearning that it takes his breath away. He feels through the Bond how she's dreamed of this just as much as he has. Every night he had lain awake, needing her, she'd been light years away needing him just as much.

"Show me that you're mine and I'm yours," she murmurs against his lips.

"Yes, yes, yes," he pants as he sweeps her into his arms.

* * *

A/N: Thank you to CharlotteCAgain for a fantastic job beta'ing this chapter. It means so much to me that you give your time to my story. Thank you, my friend.

Thank you readers! You were all marvelous cheerleaders as I hit my goal of 50,000 words in the month of November. I am, of course, wondering if I can do it again in December ... I'm sorry that I couldn't fit The Lemon into this chapter, but I will be posting it on Thursday. It's 4,500 words of nothing but lovin'

Let me know what you thought of this chapter in the reviews!

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning!


	39. Chapter 39

She's in his arms, and he lifts her as if she were his bride; that fantasy spins out in front of him, so familiar in its precious repetition. He wants so much to claim her in that way, but he knows it's too soon. Then he remembers she's left the Bond partially open and he looks into her eyes. He finds a wariness that confuses him and he stops his progression to their bed.

"What is it?" he asks, wishing he could touch her face.

"You really want to keep me, forever?" The hopeful, girlish tone stabs him deep in his chest. He's not sure he'll be able to keep from killing Lann Tren on sight.

"Of course I do." Then she's pulling herself closer and hiding her face against his neck. He's surprised when he feels wetness and he realizes she's crying. He holds her as tightly as he can and whispers in her ear, "You will never be alone again, abandoned. I will be with you, always. I will _always_ come for you. I will fight for you, die for you, make peace for you. You, only ever you." He feels her nod against him and his fingers clutch at her.

"Oh Rey … I will find a way to heal you. I will make you safe, secure, loved. I will fill you with everything you should have had. You will never want for anything; you will never know what it is to be lonely again. I will always be here, always."

"You mean that, don't you?" she says, still hiding her face against his neck.

"More than I have ever meant anything. Look at me, please," he entreats.

She inhales sharply then he feels her slowly pull back. When her eyes are finally revealed to him they're full of tears, but there's a beautiful hope blooming within their depths that makes him smile.

"Listen to me," he says as he walks them towards the bed. Their bed. "You are my purpose. I've told you so many times how much I love you, but you find ways to hide from it. First you said you were unlovable—which is preposterous—then you blamed the Bond, _then_ you questioned my ability to love."

"I know that's not tr-"

"Shhh, listen. I love you. What that means is that there is _nothing_ I will not do for you. Except one thing. Only one. No matter what you say or do, there is one thing I will _never_ do. Do you know what that is?"

She shakes her head, seemingly caught by his eyes.

"The one thing I will never do is abandon you. You can push me away, but I won't ever leave you. Even if you demand it of me, I refuse. Right here, right now, I refuse to ever leave you. If you need my distance, you will have it, but I will _always_ be there, watching. Do you understand?"

Her eyes have again filled with tears and they spill down her cheeks. But this time he understands that these are not tears of sadness or grief. She's smiling as they course down her beloved face.

"Yes, I understand," she says with huge eyes.

"Good." He's not sure what to make of her expression. It seems like a queer combination of trepidation and joy. The Bond is still open, if only just a bit; he senses her ever-present light and a thread of insecurity. He will _show_ her that she is all that he wants.

He lowers her gently on to the bed and wipes the tears from her cheeks. He lays next to her and just watches her for a long time. Her eyes are still wet, but there is an open vulnerability in them that calls to some almost forgotten part of himself. She brings forth such tenderness from somewhere inside he's never understood. He can't remember ever behaving in this way. He'd truly thought he no longer knew how to be gentle. But with her, it's all he's able to _do_. All his sharp walls and rough edges melt away and he only wants to care for her to the best of his ability.

Leaning forward slowly, he captures her lips and tastes the salt of her tears. He reminds himself that she'd been crying from happiness, from believing that he will always keep her. He pushes away the very familiar anger he holds for every single being who has ever hurt her. Those sorts of feelings have no place here.

Her hands come up and one is on his cheek and the other tugs at his hair; he moans into her mouth. He could spend an entire evening in bliss from just the sensation of her fingers running through his hair. Perhaps she really _could_ make him purr. He will never grow tired of her _touching_ him.

Then he feels her soft tongue pressing into his mouth and he immediately opens for her. She swipes it along his upper lip, then she's pushing into him and he's reminded of when he thrusts his tongue deep into her welcoming heat. He's full of anticipation, to know what it is to finally be inside of his love, but he's not sure it could be better than how he feels when he has his face lost in her ecstasy.

She's beginning to writhe against him and pleading noises are falling from her lips. He draws back, taking in her flushed face. He looks down and sees her rubbing her thighs together and he knows that she needs him, needs him to touch her.

He reaches down and pulls up her skirts until he feels her thigh, then he slowly pushes her dress up. The voluminous fabric gathers in his hand as he raises it past her hips and he gasps as he feels that she's worn nothing under her gown.

He catches her eyes and raises a brow.

"I wanted to make sure you understood my intentions, my _hopes_ for tonight," she says, no shyness in her eyes.

"Oh, I do," he croons. Then he's pulling her dress up and over her head and she's gloriously naked before him.

"Rey, I can't even tell you that you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen because right now, all I can see is you. There's never been anyone _but_ you."

She sighs and settles against the pillows. "I want to feel your skin pressed close."

He doesn't require any further encouragement; he's eager to feel her again, too. He quickly stands and sheds his clothing, then stretches out next to her. They both shudder as their naked bodies come into contact.

"Sometimes I think I could come just from the feel of your body against mine," she says with a sigh.

And just like that, he's harder than he's ever been. He's going to know what it is to be within his love and she says such _suggestive_ things.

He kisses her deeply, his weeping cock stroking against her thigh. He doesn't even mean to, but the instinct to thrust is too strong.

Dragging his lips across her cheek, he breathes into her ear, "I can't wait to be inside you, but I don't want to hurt you. You must keep talking to me, promise me you'll tell me anything I need to know."

He feels her nod her head. "I promise."

Nibbling and kissing his way down the column of her throat, he twirls her right nipple between his long fingers, squeezing slightly as she arches into his touch. "Yes, that's my darling. I do so love your breasts."

Then he pulls the left point into his mouth as he continues to stroke the other. She's gasping and shuddering. Maker he's so hard, he's begun to ache.

Needing to move things forward, he kisses down her body until he's right where he wants to be. He pulls her legs up over his shoulders and doesn't even pause, diving into her tight warmth, using his tongue as he will soon use his cock. Once he's certain she's as open as he can make her with his mouth, he shifts to the center of her pleasure and begins to lick up under her hood the way he knows she likes. Her hands grasp his shoulders and he smiles as he feels her nails dig into his flesh.

He wants to make sure she's as prepared as possible and he slips two fingers deep within her, making certain to draw them across that special patch inside her. Yes, that's it. Her heels are pressing into his back and she's calling out his name. He adds a third finger and feels slight resistance, but soon she's relaxed around his hand. He pulses his fingers within her and she's beginning to make that sobbing sound he so adores.

"Kylo, oh, _Force_ , Kylo, I need you. Please, please."

It's time. He knows it is … but what if he doesn't give her what she deserves? What if he's lacking? None of his prior partners had complained, but he'd never stayed long enough to find out, had he? Suddenly he realizes he'd never thought of them at all. What if he has no idea what he's doing? He shields his thoughts and he's grateful she only has the Bond partially open. He doesn't want her to hear his insecurity.

"Please," she breathes out.

He pulls himself along her body and looks into her face. He's never seen anything so perfect as her face in this moment. It's so open and full of love and anticipation. He breathes in, he can do this, he can give this to her. He's wanted nothing but this moment for so long. He can't even remember when he first started imagining. He just knows that becoming one with his Rey is a cherished dream. _That_ is what matters.

"I love you," he says fervently and her eyes, impossibly, grow even softer. "Is this what you want?" he asks.

"Yes, stars, _yes_. Please, I need you. I need you so much."

He shifts until he's on his elbows over her body, her legs parted for him and his stiff length trapped between them. He can't comprehend that he's here with her like this. Her soft skin is pressed against him and he can't quite breathe past the absolute connection. He reaches down and holding her gaze, he strokes along her warm, wet folds with his fingers. Could that be for him? She's slick with want and each pass of his hand against her makes her gasp.

"Let me in," he begs, going back on his elbows, his head nudging against her soft curls.

"Yes, yes."

He pushes against the Bond. "Let me _in_." His eyes glow with avid need.

She blinks as she understands what he's asking. "Please, Rey, let me know you. _All_ of you."

Trepidation ghosts her expression, but then the Bond opens fully and her desire rushes into him. He shudders as she drops the last of her defenses. He's giddy. The last time he was able to feel so much of her had been when the Bond was first forming. It had been only a fraction of the ocean of Rey he's feeling now.

She's vast and wide and he wants to dive into her currents, find every cove, every bay, _all_ of her. A whisper of anguish eddies by him and he follows it.

Her eyes widen in alarm. "No, please. Let that go." She holds his face and her hazel eyes call to him.

"But you're upset," he says, tracing his fingers along the luminous skin of her face. "I must fix it."

"It's nothing, fleeting," she says pleadingly.

He gasps as she floods him with her warm, languid light. " _That_ is what I'm feeling right now."

He arches his back and thrusts his cock along her center, the combination of having her in his mind and feeling her against his skin is sparking along every nerve ending.

"Rey, stars, _Rey_ ," he moans.

He grasps his cock and holds her fathomless eyes. She's so hot against him and he feels as if he's understanding what his body was made for. He was always meant for Rey. He draws his head along her plump folds and pushes into her, ever so slightly. He wants to savor each moment, so he moves with agonizing slowness.

"Please, _please_. I need you inside," she pants.

He's trembling, he didn't know, Force he didn't _know_. As he presses into her he feels _everything_. Her hands on his back, her thighs against him, her ankles crossing behind his waist. It's so much, _so much_. He feels what she's feeling; as he continues to enter her, he senses how he's opening her, stretching her, _filling_ her. But it's her eyes that hold him.

He feels each ridge as he's finally surrounded entirely by her tight, slick perfection, fully seated in her. He's overwhelmed by how something once so base has become _holy_. He will never be the same. His fantasies had never come close to what it feels like to be buried within his Rey.

They stay like that, joined for the first time, and he's certain the awe on her face mirrors his own. He's inside _Rey_. His beautiful beloved, his siren, his _mate_. They blink at each other, trying to make sense of all the emotion and sensation moving through the Bond. She rolls her hips slightly and he knows he needs to _move_. He pulls back, groaning as he does. Force, she feels so good. But now he senses how she needs to be filled again, so he plunges back in and she moans with completion.

He pumps into her, faster with each stroke. He's lost and found and undone by all the sensation. She's like silk and velvet, indescribably soft yet unbelievably tight. She's the end and the beginning and he'll never need anything but his beautiful Rey.

"I love you. Tell me you know that I love you," he begs as he slows, needing her eyes and her voice.

"I know."

"Tell me you know that you are all that I want, all that I need." She must know, he can't bear if she doesn't comprehend who she is to him.

"I know."

Each pleading comes from his deepest, most vulnerable places. He hides nothing from her. "Tell me you forgive me, tell me that you won't ever let me go." He won't survive if they are not one after this.

"I do, I won't."

"Tell me that I'm yours, oh Rey, tell me that you want me." he pleads desperately as he thrusts in as hard as he can, the juxtaposition of the bliss of feeling her around him and the sensation of how she's experiencing his cock moving within her makes him tremble with pleasure.

"Yes, yes, you're mine, I want you, I need you. Oh maker, please, please, more, Kylo, more!"

He fixes her with his eyes and he lets himself go, safe in her reassurances. He plunges into her, holding her by the shoulders to keep her clasped against him. The twin sensation of being held by her most sacred of places and how she's accepting his body floods every part of him. Yes, yes, this is what he's needed from the moment she opened his heart and captured his reason.

He chants her name as he thrusts into her, eager to fill the emptiness he senses hiding within her. Each time he's buried to the hilt he feels how she shudders. She wants him. Rey _wants_ him.

"Yes, fill me, I never want to feel empty again."

"No, never. I love you, I love you, I love you."

He's finally giving himself to her, he's falling and she's catching him. He didn't think she could feel any better, and then her walls start to flutter along his length and he moans in ecstasy. Something new is building in his core and he feels the same exquisite tension building within her.

"Nothing has ever felt like this. Maker Rey, I don't think I can last." He's seized with fear as he realizes he _really_ won't be able to last. He's already on the brink.

"I don't care, take me, fill me, _claim_ me." She pushes reassurance through the Bond and he tries to believe her.

She pulls her hands from his back and grabs his face. She looks into him, all the way inside. He feels like she can see everything and she doesn't pull away. She _sees_ him and _she doesn't pull away._

"I love you. I'm yours. And you're mine. _Mine_ , Kylo."

Oh Force, he can't hold on. She wants him, he's hers, hers, hers. He knows she's close, but he can't hold on! Then he can't stop it, he's coming deep inside her, thrusting so hard. She feels amazing and he's taken by the intensity of his release.

He pants over her, spent. He starts to come back into himself and he realizes … oh no … she didn't … shame floods him. Her face is flushed and he can still sense the unfulfilled ache in her core. He can't bear to see the disappointment in her eyes. He slams the Bond shut and rolls from her, hiding his face.

He'd wanted so much to give her this, but he's _failed_. Stupid, useless. He can't do anything right. He'll never be free of _Ben_.

His back is turned to her and he feels her small hand on his shoulder. "Kylo?"

"What," he says shortly.

"I'm sorry."

He turns slightly, looking at her. What he finds on her face makes him face her completely. She looks stricken and small. Maker, did he hurt her?

"I can do better next time," she says in a quavering voice.

"What?" he asks in confusion.

"I felt your disappointment, I can do be-"

He has her on her back and his hands at her shoulders in an instant and he nearly shouts "No!" She blinks and she pulls herself back into the pillows. He closes his eyes briefly, calming himself. "I mean, no, Rey, you did nothing, _nothing_ wrong. I can't believe I ever made you feel like that. You were perfect, _perfect_. No. I was disappointed in _myself_."

"But … why?"

He looks at her incredulously. "Why? Because you didn't … because I couldn't control myself. You were so close and I … I couldn't wait for you." His cheeks heat with humiliation.

"Is _that_ what this is about?" she exclaims.

"Yes … I wanted it to be perfect."

"It _was_ perfect until you pulled away from me like that," she says, clutching at his shoulders.

"But you didn't … I didn't give that to you." He can't look her in the eyes.

"So?"

"What do you mean, 'so?" he asks, finally looking at her again.

"You've proven time and again that you can bring me to ...well … you know. Why did it have to be _that way_?"

"Because … I just … I just wanted it to be _perfect_ ," he repeats.

"Oh Kylo … that's enough. That you wanted that for me, that's _enough_. You felt amazing. I can't wait to have you inside me again. Isn't _that_ perfect?"

"You do?"

"Of course I do. I've never felt so close to you as I did. The way you looked at me, the way you _felt_. The Bond, feeling what I mean to you … the only part I would change was you pulling away from me."

Her eyes are so sincere … he realizes she means every word. "I'm sorry," he says lowly.

"Don't apologize, just make it up to me," she says with that glint in her eyes that always makes his cock twitch. Apparently, it doesn't matter that he's just found his release, that look has him already _responding_. But he doesn't want to take the chance that he'd fail her again by trying too soon. Instead, he rolls them both over, holding her close.

Her head settles against his chest and she sighs. "Thank you," she murmurs against his skin.

"For what?"

"For caring so much. For wanting so badly for this to be perfect. I think you wanted that more than I did. I just wanted to be with you. I didn't have any expectations."

"How could you not?"

"Because from my point of view, the fact that it didn't hurt made it a resounding success."

"Oh thank you very much."

"Just stop. You must know that every woman is told to prepare herself that it will hurt the first time and not to expect much."

"No … no, I didn't know that." He supposes he had managed better than _that_ bleak expectation.

"Well, now you do. And now you should also know that from my perspective, that was wonderful."

"Hmmm," he mumbles.

"You won't be satisfied until I'm screaming your name, will you?"

"I'd settle for chanting."

He can't see her, but somehow, he knows she's rolling her eyes.

* * *

He's drowsily running his hands up and down her spine after falling asleep for a moment. She's nestled into his chest and humming with each downward stroke. "Your skin is so soft, Rey."

"And your hands feel so good against me," she offers.

He gasps when he feels her fingers grasp his cock, stroking up and down. She has him hard in not time.

"I think it's time to try again."

"Really," he croaks, already pulled along by the wonderful feeling of her hand on him.

"Oh yes," she says, catching his eyes. Oh, Maker, she looks like she's going to eat him and he's more than willing to oblige.

She seems so forceful. "And how do you want me?" he asks playfully, willing to follow her lead.

"I think it's my turn."

"Well, I do believe we'd established that."

"No, I mean my turn to be in charge." And with that she's straddling him and holding his wrists behind his head.

"Oh really," Kylo says, smirking.

"Yup," she says smugly as she draws herself along his length.

He gasps and arches against her involuntarily. Fine, she can be in charge. If she keeps doing that, she can have anything she wants.

Back and forth she moves, teasing him with her wet folds.

Finally he can't control himself any longer. "Please, Rey, please."

"What do you want?" she purrs.

"Take me inside you, please. I want to feel you come apart around me."

She moves her hands from his wrists, taking hold of him with one hand and steadying herself against his chest with the other. "Like this?" she teases as she takes in just his tip.

He throws his head back and tries to thrust up into her, but she shifts.

"Ah, ah, ah, when I say."

"Yes, when you say," he pants out. Maker, she's a fast learner.

Then with one swift movement he's buried in her up to the hilt and his torso lifts of the bed as his feet dig into the sheets. Oh for the love of … Force she feels amazing.

"See what happens when you're good? Will you be good?"

"I'll be so good," he promises, her eyes boring into his.

Then she starts to rock back and forth and he's lost. There's something about having her tightness moving up and down him while he can only accept the pleasure that makes him incoherent. He's never _received_ like this. _This_ requires a bed.

He wants to make sure that she comes over the edge with him this time so he moves his hand to her clit and starts swirling those circles she likes so much.

Rey groans and pushes down on him with more urgency. Her eyes are closed and her face shows nothing but bliss. But somehow he needs her eyes, needs to know that she's who he's with.

"Rey …" he says lowly.

Her eyes snap open and find his. "Look at me. Please, my love. I need you with me."

"I am, I'm with you."

Then she falls forward and the angle shifts. Her breasts move against his chest and he gasps at the sensation of her hard nipples moving along his flesh. She's made it impossible for him to move his hand and he looks at her in confusion. She opens the Bond and he senses how she doesn't need anything other than him inside her in this position.

"See, just you. Let me come from your cock."

She can't say such things, he'll never last, and he refuses to embarrass himself again.

"Oh, you'll last. Can't you feel how close I am?"

Then he focuses and she's right, she's right on the precipice, grinding herself against the base of his length.

"Rey, oh, Maker, Rey," he calls out in a strangled shout.

"Yes, Kylo, yes. You feel so good. I just want to have you inside me forever."

"Please, yes, always. I never want to be parted from you."

"No, never."

He senses how high she is climbing and it's enough to jolt him forward. She sits back up and she's slamming herself down on his cock. He thrusts up to meet her, his fingers digging into her thighs.

Her head falls back, but he needs her eyes. He must have her eyes! "Look at me, Rey, please look at me."

Blearily, her eyes find his as she rides him so hard. Then he feels how the flutter has shifted to strong contractions and before he knows it she's bucking wildly, but her eyes stay fused with his.

"Kylo, yes, I love you, yes, oh Force, Kylo!" she screams as one mighty clench of her muscles pushes him over and he's driving up hard into her, filling her with his release. Her hands are on his face and she keeps undulating above him through his climax, the last little aftershocks of her orgasm milking him.

For one moment she looks at him and he grabs her, pulling her close, kissing her fiercely. Then he's holding her close and whispering into her ear. "Rey, Rey, Rey. I didn't know, I never knew it could be like this."

She draws back and that horrible insecurity is back in her eyes. "So … you liked it?"

His hands go again to her face and he holds her cheeks. "Listen to me. You have to hear me. Nothing I've ever experienced was anything like this or earlier. I would rather have no one ever again than to go without you. Truly. After this, I could only ever be with you. Do you understand, do you believe me?"

"Yes, yes … I believe you."

He pulls her down to his chest, his softening cock still within her. "Thank the Maker. I think it would kill me if you didn't understand how special all of this has been. How special _you_ are."

"No … I understand. I do," she murmurs into his ear.

They're both quiet for a moment and he just enjoys the feel of her so close.

"Earlier … you asked if I forgive you," she says, still against his chest.

"Yes … I did." He hadn't meant to, but he did ask her.

She shifts slightly and looks into his eyes and he finds them and the Bond as open as they can be.

"I do, Kylo. I forgive you."

Nothing has ever felt so pure and he wonders if perhaps he might someday be worthy of her.

* * *

A/N: Thank you so much, CharlotteCAgain for your superb beta skills. I was incredibly nervous about this chapter and she made it all better.

Thank you readers! I'm so blessed to have each and every one of you. Thank you for every read, follow, favorite, and review. I so enjoy hearing what you think. I wish I could have tea and crumpets with all of you.

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


	40. Chapter 40

He wakes when the morning light fills the room, unused to such brightness. He's holding Rey close, her back tucked against his chest and one of his long legs thrown over her thigh. He's overcome with the realization that last night he'd made love to his beautiful _Rey_. She's his in all ways, now. Someday he'll make her his wife, he's sure of that. He thinks of the rings he has back on the _Finalizer_ and realizes they are bound together more completely than any ceremony could ever make them.

Kylo had woken her once in the night and slowly filled her again, taking the time that he'd wanted to when he'd not been able to control himself. It had only been better, even more intense, and he'd lost all sense of the boundaries between them, so absorbed in the Bond and her body. He wonders if perhaps he shouldn't have, if she was sore from their earlier joinings. But he'd sensed no discomfort.

He closes his eyes and remembers what it felt like to be one with her. It's almost as if he'd never done that before and he realizes he hadn't. Not even close. Whatever had happened before her, it hadn't been in the same category, not by any stretch of the imagination. What he shares with Rey is something completely different and he doesn't like thinking about what he'd experienced before. His body may have known other women, but he now understands that he'd been as untouched as Rey in all the ways that matter. He hopes her insecurities have been laid to rest because he'd prefer to _never_ think about that aspect of his past ever again.

His focus returns to his beautiful Rey and the joy of waking up with her in his arms. He bends forward and moves her hair from her face, needing to see her. The bright sun highlights the smattering of freckles across the bridge of her nose. He loves how they go all the way down, decorating all of her. Someday he will kiss each and every one of them. Gently he pulls away from her, moving slowly in hopes of letting her sleep. She shifts and murmurs, but doesn't wake.

Quietly he pads to the console and orders breakfast. Then he goes to his dressing room to find her gift. It's suspended in its glass orb, just as he'd requested. It really is lovely and he hopes this small token won't seem paltry. He could tell her of her real gift, but he wants to see her face when he shows her what is waiting for her on the ship.

He slips on his dark gray robe and checks on Rey. She's still sleeping soundly. He watches her and the wave of love he feels for her is nearly overpowering. He didn't think it was possible to love her more, but somehow, after sharing themselves with each other like that, he finds he loves her with an intensity he would never have believed were he not feeling it coursing through him this very moment.

Kylo lightly trails his fingers along her cheek. He misses her, but she looks so peaceful that he can't bring himself to wake her quite yet. Perhaps when breakfast arrives. He hides her gift under the bed and goes out to the terrace. The sea is gentle, a deep aquamarine with swirls of teal. It smells fresh with a hint of brine. The sunlight glitters over the water and he sits and watches the waves swell as the tide recedes. Perhaps today he will take her down to the tide pools. He had always loved finding the strange creatures hiding amongst the rocks and sand when he was younger. Smiling brown eyes tug at him, but he pushes that image away.

Time moves quickly as he takes in the natural beauty of this extraordinary place; he's jolted from his reverie when he hears the door alert. He springs to his feet and moves quickly. He doesn't want another sharp sound to force her awake. That is a pleasure he wants for himself. As he goes to the door, he glances at Rey and finds her eyes still closed. She's half obscured by the sheer curtain hanging from the high ceiling and he thinks she looks like a princess from a childhood tale. He smiles slightly as he considers that she _will_ be a princess when he marries her.

He retrieves the tray from the droid and returns to their bed. He likes that, _their bed._ He wonders if it would be too soon to ask her about joining their quarters. It probably is, he's always rushing Rey. He really should let her grow accustomed to how things have changed. It's only been a week since she invited him to sleep with her every night. But he wants … he shakes his head, he's always _wanting_.

Kylo places the tray on the stand near the bed and sits next to her. She's still on her side, curled as he'd left her, now facing him. He reaches forward and strokes along her cheek softly. "Rey?" he calls gently.

She shifts slightly, but doesn't wake. "My love, it's morning," he says a bit more loudly.

"Hmm?" she hums out, not quite awake. But then her eyes open slowly and she smiles a contented smile that warms his chest.

"It's time to wake up."

She blinks a bit, adjusting to the light. "Why?"

"Because I missed you."

She smiles again and now her eyes are completely open. "I'm right here."

"I missed your voice. And, the music will start soon."

"Oh!" She sits up quickly, the sheet falling from her chest. He'd like to start his breakfast with _her_ , but there are other things to do with the day. Well, _some_ of the day.

"There's no need to rush, we have time yet, sweetheart."

Her lips quirk into that little smile he adores. "I really do like it when you call me that."

"Why is that?"

Her face grows cautious and her eyes shift away. "I … I just like how it sounds."

"No … there's something else."

"I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't think." Her hands flail, her fingers grasping at the air.

"Please tell me."

"You won't like it."

"Let me decide that. Please."

"Well, it's just … your mother showed me holos from your childhood. It's what Han called her. And he loved her so much … I just … see? I shouldn't have brought it up." She shakes her head and pulls at the sheet.

He sits, frozen. While he no longer swells with pain when she mentions Leia Organa, he'd not been prepared for the mention of … him. But, the memories have been close since they arrived. He closes his eyes and breathes in deeply, refusing to be dragged down. He feels her small hand take his and he focuses on the feel of her skin. It centers him and he's able to stay in the present.

When he opens his eyes, he finds her face full of concern. "I'm sorry," she whispers.

"No … it's alright. I pressed. And you're right … he did call her that. I suppose I picked up something from him after all." He's surprised to find the idea is not entirely unpleasant. Han Solo _had_ loved his mother. He knows that much is true. It had been a destructive, difficult love, but it had been deep and timeless.

"Please don't stop calling me that, now that you know."

"I won't, I promise." He leans forward and kisses her softly. He murmurs, "Sweetheart," as he pulls away.

Her eyes are full of love and she squeezes his hand. He takes in a quick breath. "Now, I have breakfast for us."

"Oh!" Rey always brightens when there's food. He smirks slightly and puts the tray in front of her. He removes the cover and finds just what he'd expected. There's a lush collection of cut fruit, thin, delicate cakes wrapped around a mild cheese, and cured meats. He'd always enjoyed this dish. It's been on the menu since he was a boy.

He picks up a piece of pale purple melon and pops it into her mouth. She chews it and smiles. "It's so juicy!"

"Yes, it's local. They shield the plants from the rains and the daily sun gives them the heat they need to grow."

She picks up a fork and tastes the pastry-wrapped cheese. "Kylo, the food here is _amazing_ ," she says with her mouth still full.

"I thought you'd enjoy it."

"How did you even _find_ this place? I have trouble imagining you coming here between, uh, missions," she says, a shadow crossing her face.

He stills. His past seems to be the subject of the morning. "No, you're right. We … when I was a boy we would come here."

"Your family?" she asks in surprise.

"Yes. Coming here is the source of some of the few happy memories I have from my childhood, if I'm honest."

"And you wanted to share it with me," she says, her eyes growing soft.

He shrugs. "I knew you would like it."

She again takes his hand. "But … I know how difficult the subject of your family is for you, and you faced those memories. For me."

He clears his throat. "It seemed worth it."

Then she's pushing the tray aside and her arms are around his neck. "I love you," she says lowly.

"Oh Rey … you have no idea how I've longed to hear those words. That you say them so easily now … well, it means more to me than you'll ever know."

* * *

They finished their breakfast with no more mention of his past and now it's time to show her her small gift. He reaches under the bed and brings out the glass sphere. He places it in her hands and her eyes widen.

"This is your gift. It's an air-flower from Preslan." The petals are a deep orange with fuchsia streaks. It hovers in the sphere, suspended by a single glass stem.

Her eyes glow with appreciation. She turns the globe over and over in her hands, examining it from all sides. "It's gorgeous … but, it doesn't have any roots, how …"

"Ah, well, it takes in its nutrients from the air. I selected it because of where it's from."

"Preslan, I've never heard of it. What's special about Preslan?" She looks at him quizzically.

He holds her eyes. "Well … it's where your mother is from and I believe you were born there."

She takes in a small shuddering breath. "I … I have a home world," she says so quietly he almost can't make out her words.

She blinks and her face is oddly blank. He's worried he chose poorly. She'd been so excited to know she has a birthday, he'd been sure this would please her, too.

He presses on anyway, perhaps as she understands his intentions she'll warm to the idea of Preslan. "It's my hope you have grandparents there. I've sent research orders and I'm encouraged. I know your mother is not what you deserve, but perhaps you might have other, more worthy family."

"Grandparents?" she asks, clearly never having thought beyond the immediacy of her parents. She still has a stunned air about her.

"Presently the analysts are looking for all children on Preslan born on your birthday with the last name Tren. Unfortunately it's quite common, but I'm hopeful we'll find something soon."

"I … I never thought about that … grandparents. Maybe they might wa-" She stops herself and her face twists in pain and guarded hope.

"Maybe they want you? Maybe they looked for you?" Her delicate face crumples and she looks away. He castigates himself for making her hurt.

"I'm sorry, I never meant to cause you pain. I just wanted you to have something from where you were likely born," he offers regretfully.

Her eyes go to his swiftly and she shakes her head. "No, that's not it. You've not upset me. Surprised me, yes. But you didn't hurt me. I … it's just more than I ever imagined. I thought one day my parents would come for me. Once I accepted that that wasn't going to happen … I tried to just move on, ignore the tug to go back to Jakku. Then you, stars, _you_. You've gone to such lengths to find me anything you could. I forget, sometimes just how powerful you really are. And I don't mean with the Force. You have your knights searching for Lann Tren, your analysts trying to piece together the puzzle of my life."

She holds up the flower and looks at it again. The anguish clears and there is a quiet joy in her eyes. "I don't think I do a very good job of telling you how much your gifts mean to me." Her hand goes absently to the pendant she's not removed since he gave it to her, the only thing she's wearing apart from the sheet.

"You put so much thought into everything, you pay _attention_ to me. Somehow you always know just what to do to make me feel … cherished. You notice _everything_. I liked that necklace on Vren and you already had one just like it. I tell you I like sweet things and … well, I didn't even know there were dishes like that in the whole galaxy. I mention I enjoy something and suddenly it appears. I guess … I'm just trying to say thank you. I know that you love me, but sometimes I'm surprised by how much you _care_."

"Of course I care! Sometimes it was the only thing to keep me going, knowing I was doing something for you. Your family, your rooms, finding things I hoped you would like …" He looks away. He hadn't meant to make this about him.

She sets the flower aside and presses her fingertips against his cheek. "I'm sorry I made you suffer like that."

"It doesn't matter. We're together now."

"But it _does_ matter." She moves closer to him and places her hands on his shoulders. "Last night … you asked if I forgive you, and now it's my turn. Do you forgive me?"

"Oh Rey … there's nothing to forgive. I know I went about everything … poorly. You were only reacting. I know that."

"Even so … please, will you forgive me?"

Her eyes are large and luminous and while he doesn't think it's necessary, he says, "Of course I do."

She nods and says, "Good … good." His breath catches in his throat as she presses a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth.

Rey takes her hands from his shoulders and looks at her flower again. Then her brow furrows and her lips part slightly. "I just realized … my name is really Rey … Tren." She wrinkles her nose, clearly not pleased with the idea.

"Well, I can understand not wishing to claim it. Besides, I have rather high hopes for your last name." He grins knowingly, attempting to bring Rey back to her usual self.

She swats his arm, "You really don't know when to count your blessings, do you?"

"Perhaps something else I got from my father?" he says before thinking. Rey's eyes widen and he blinks furiously. Where did _that_ come from? He _has_ to get a handle on his memories. He hasn't called Han Solo 'father' in _years_.

He rubs his face with his hand and Rey reaches for him. "Kylo?"

He remains still, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"It's alright to talk about him. Maybe you _should_ talk about him."

He has no wish to do so. Just wanting to move on, he stands swiftly and strides out onto the deck. What is wrong with him? Why is he thinking like this? It's just this place. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe he should have taken her to see the fire fields … he just … he just knew she would love this. But now he keeps being reminded of the past and the memories _just won't stop_.

The first time they came here he was 5. They'd arrived during the rain and he'd whined and complained the whole way to their rooms. It wasn't as elegant as the space he'd reserved for Rey's birthday, having a more traditional layout for families. He was certain he'd be cooped up for the entire trip while the stupid rain ruined everything. His parents had just kept smiling at him indulgently. It had been confusing because his mother usually hated it when he whined.

When the rain cleared and he saw that amazing sunset for the first time he'd understood and his- Han Solo had explained about the weather and ruffled his hair. He'd felt … loved.

He's startled when he feels her arms around him, her head settling between his shoulder blades. "It's alright to remember him."

"No!" he yells, pulling from her, going to the railing. He clenches it hard, white spots appearing on his knuckles. He doesn't _want_ to remember. He feels her come to stand next to him. She doesn't try to touch him again, however.

He looks out on the beautiful, clear water and he continues to be assaulted by memories. How he and … _that man_ would wake up early to make sure his mother had breakfast in bed, just as he'd done this morning for Rey. What sick play is he re-enacting? Why did he do this to himself? Then he senses her through the Bond and he shuts his side swiftly.

"Please. Let me understand."

"No. That is not for you." His voice is low and full of warning.

"Why not?"

"Because … because I wish …. If you know … stars, Rey, then it's _real_."

He takes one more long look out at the sea then he turns slowly, facing her. She's wearing the ivory silk robe he'd requested be waiting for her.

"I've tried so hard to stamp it all out. I never remember. I _never_ look back!" he exclaims.

"But … then why did you bring me here?" she pleads.

"I don't know!" he howls, holding his head.

"Kylo, please," she says, stroking his arms. He wants to pull away just as much as he wants to hold her as close as he can. Rip off her robe and bury himself in her heat so he can get lost in their connection.

"Just talk to me. You have to face it someday. You have to come to terms with what you did. We both do," she says calmly, but her voice shakes.

"What do you want!" he yells. "Do you want me to say that I hate what I did, that I wish we were all back here, like it was? That I can't bear the thought of seeing my mother's face? What do you want from me, Rey?"

"I just want you to be honest with me, with yourself. The man I met, your father, he wasn't what you sa-"

"You have no idea who he was," he snarls.

"Then tell me!"

"You want to know? You want to know who Han Solo was?"

"Yes!" she cries.

"You won't like it. He could be the man you met, but he was so much more … so much less."

"I don't care, I need to _understand_. Most of the time I just push it away, pretend it didn't happen. But it _did_ and I have to make some sense of it!"

He looks at her for a long time. Her lovely eyes plead with him, but he sees the fear.

"Remember, you asked for this," he warns before he takes her shoulders, opens his side of the Bond and floods her with memories.

* * *

"Daddy, look!" he says proudly, stacking his blocks when he's 3. But he does it with the Force and even as a boy he sees the horror in his father's eyes.

"Yeah, that's great kid …" Then his father is leaving the sitting room, calling "Leia, get in here." His voice is gruff.

"Oh, sweetie, look what you did," his mother exclaims, but her eyes have that same fear as she takes in the hovering block and he knows he's done something wrong.

* * *

"Here we go!" his father hoots while he's sitting in his lap and he sees hyperspace for the first time. He claps his chubby little hands and squeals with glee at the blue streaking past him. Uncle Chewie laughs his distinctive laugh and he's so happy.

* * *

Later he's thirsty and he pulls his bantha milk to him with the Force, but it hits Daddy's hand when he moves unexpectedly and the blue milk goes all over the cockpit.

"Oh hell. Leia, he's doing it again," Daddy hollers and Mommy comes around the corner and scoops him up.

"Now Ben, we've talked about this. You can't just do that."

"But I was thirsty and Daddy said I couldn't leave my seat."

"I know, darling, but next time just ask."

He hears Daddy grumbling something about stupid mumbo jumbo and why couldn't he just be normal. He's not really sure what normal is, but he wishes he was, too.

* * *

"But I don't want to go to the Jedi Academy! Where's Mother?" Ben demands. One of Mother's assistants had brought him home after he'd hurt that other senator. The stern woman had told him to stay in his room and someone would come for him. Threepio had brought him dinner and told him to pack anything he wanted to bring with him to Uncle Luke's weird school. He is leaving in the morning.

He just wants to talk to her. He flinches when he thinks of how she had looked at him like she was _afraid_ of him. She can't really be sending him away, not without letting him see her. She wouldn't do that.

"She's unable to see you at present, young Master Ben," Threepio says regretfully.

"I don't understand, why won't she see me?" He whines. He was only trying to protect her.

"I'm unable to answer that."

He screws up his face into a fearsome scowl. "Well, can I at least see _Father_?"

"I'm afraid he left on a very important trip. He said it was unavoidable. Yes, very important."

"But … I don't even get to say goodbye to _either_ of them?" Ben's 11-year-old voice cracks. He's not surprised about Father, but for Mother to do this … this would never have happened if he was _normal_.

"I'm afraid not, but you will be seeing your uncle in just two days," the protocol droid says.

"I barely know him."

"Oh, he was a great hero and is now a Jedi Master. I am certain you will be a credit to your family and follow in his footsteps."

"Well what if I don't want to be a Jedi? Please, _please_ let me talk to Mother. I don't want to go!"

"I _am_ sorry, young Master," Threepio offers as he leaves Ben alone in his bedroom.

Ben sits in the middle of the floor, seething. He doesn't want to do this! He doesn't want to be some stupid old Jedi like his strange uncle. He just wants to stay with his mother and become the next Senator Organa. He doesn't even need to train to use the Force, he already _knows_ howto use his powers. Mother calls it his _gift_ but he knows better.

He picks up a model ship with the Force and smashes it against the wall, just to prove that he can. "See," he yells to the room, "I don't need to learn anything!"

Another model flies into the wall, then another and another until all there is are little bits of wood and paint all over his floor. But he's still so angry. He's still so _hurt_. He howls out his anguish, picks up a chair, and starts smashing his desk.

He just won't go. They can't make him.

When his mother's assistants come the next morning to drag him to the waiting ship, his bedroom is destroyed.

* * *

Much later he's crying silently in his sparse bunk at the Jedi Academy, wishing he'd brought a holo of his mother.

* * *

The memories become disjointed then, coming as he recalls them, no order to them.

* * *

"Why is he leaving again?" a confused 7-year-old Ben asks his tired mother.

"Because he has work to do."

"Important work like you? Is he saving people, Mama?"

"Your father is doing what makes him happy."

"But what is it, is he making the galaxy better?"

"He's … he'll be back soon, sweetheart."

"How soon?"

"When he can," she murmurs as they watch the _Falcon_ disappear into the atmosphere.

* * *

"Okay now, kid, you just need to tweak it right here, that'll bypass that broken circuit right there, the one deep inside the wiring. See, now she'll be happy as a droid in an oil bath."

"But, why not just …" Then he uses the Force to weave together the loose wires they couldn't access.

His father sighs and looks at 6-year-old Ben like he's done something wrong.

"Because, _normally_ , you can't reach that without taking apart the whole hyperdrive."

"But I can, so I can fix it for you!" he says excitedly.

"Yeah … yeah, sure kid," his father says with a frown.

* * *

"Hey kid, I uh, thought we could do something today, just the two of us."

"Why?" Ben suspiciously asks. He's 10 now and just beginning to show hints of future rebellion.

"I thought, you know, since I'll be leaving in a few days we should spend time together."

"Uhm, okay, sure."

"Great, well my friend got us decent seats for the pod-race, we leave in 15 minutes," Han says, closing Ben's bedroom door behind him.

"But I don't like pod-racing," Ben says to the empty room. Though, he dutifully gets ready despite his indifference to the sport. Maybe it won't be so bad.

He's walking down the hallway and voices come out of his parents' bedroom.

"What do you want from me? I'm takin' him for the day, just like you told me to."

"But, pod-racing? He doesn't even like that."

"What kid doesn't like pod-racing?"

" _Your_ kid. Which you would know if you spent any time with him at all."

Han makes a frustrated sound. "Well, I kinda gotta go to this race. I've got credits riding on it and if it doesn't go right I'm going to have to do some fast talkin'."

"Again! Oh Han. You can't take Ben into that kind of situation. You'll just have to figure something else out. Take him to a museum, he likes those."

Han scoffs in disbelief. Leia sighs. "Then just take him flying."

"I don't trust him on the _Falcon_ , not with all that Force business."

That's when Ben makes his presence known. He pushes the slightly open door all the way into their bedroom.

"It's okay. You don't have to. I have homework." What Ben really wants to say is "You don't have to pretend to love me anymore, I know you think I'm a freak. I know you wish I was normal." But instead, he turns and walks back to his room.

Leia follows him. "Ben, sweetheart, spend the day with your father."

"Why? It wasn't even his idea. He would never have thought of it on his own."

"That's not true. I'm sure he would have, I just happened to suggest it."

"I'm not a baby anymore. I know what he thinks about me. I know I'm the reason he's gone all the time. I don't care, I'm used to it." He shrugs and lets his shaggy hair cover his expression.

"Oh, sweetheart, no. Your father loves you, he just has to be gone for work, that's all. It's not your fault."

Ben snaps. He's so tired of how his mother always tries to bend the truth so it fits in her nice little boxes. "Stop lying to me!" he shouts.

His mother's expression shifts from entreaty to anger in an instant. "You will _not_ take that tone with me, Ben Solo Organa! Now, go get ready. You are spending the day with your father and you will both enjoy it!" she pronounces.

* * *

"Here, kid" Han says, handing Ben a handful of credits.

"What's this for?" Ben asks in confusion.

"For you to not tell your mother that we're going to the pod-races. Deal?"

"I don't really like lying to Mother."

"Consider it a favor to your old man. I'll let you make a bet and keep anything you win?"

It sounds boring, but he shrugs. He just wants the day to be over.

* * *

"Alright, I'll be right back, stay put. Don't wander!"

"I won't. I'll stay here."

He watches Han Solo walk away and pulls out his holonovel.

It's dark before he returns. Ben wishes it had surprised him.

* * *

"How was your day, sweetie?" his mother asks hopefully.

"Uh, it was fine."

"What did you do?"

Han breaks in and says, "I took him to the Museum of Galactic History."

"Oh that's his favorite!"

"It is? I mean, yeah, yeah."

Leia turns to Ben. "Did you have fun?"

Ben shrugs. "It was fine. I'm really tired though." He yawns for effect and goes to his bedroom, hoping to be left alone. He doesn't like the squirming in his belly he feels from lying to his mother.

* * *

"There's something wrong with that kid," Ben overhears on his way for a drink of water. It's very late.

"He just has the Force!"

"It's more than that, and you know it. He doesn't have any friends, all he cares about are his books and following you around. He's not normal!"

"Shhh, he'll hear you.

"He's been asleep for hours. You know I'm right. He shouldn't care about politics for Maker's sake! He's 9!"

"Well why not, it's what I do!"

"Yeah, instead of paying attention to our kid."

"Oh that's rich, you haven't been home for _months_ and the first thing you do is criticize my parenting!"

"You're the one that wanted him!"

"Don't you dare, don't you dare say that!"

"What, it's true!"

"So you wish I'd just what, gotten rid of him? I suppose then you wouldn't be stuck with me either!"

"That's not what I meant."

"Of course it is. I know you think I trapped you. It wasn't my fault the implant failed!"

"Sweetheart, you know I don't think that. I'da married you anyway."

"There's a reason we haven't had any more children," she says pointedly.

"Look, I was never the kind of guy to have kids. You knew that. You _know_ that. Would it really be right of us to bring another one into this mess?"

"You mean the mess of our marriage?"

* * *

Kylo releases Rey's shoulders, breathing heavily. " _That_ was the kind of man Han Solo was. He never wanted me. I was a _mistake_ and he just wanted me to be _normal_ ," he hisses.

"Every day he made sure I knew that I wasn't right. Even the _normal_ things I enjoyed, history, literature, he mocked and derided. Other fathers would have been _proud_ to have a son excel at academics the way that I did, or be as powerful in the Force as I exhibited from a young age. But not Han Solo. He may have told me that he loved me on that horrible bridge, but he was a liar and a thief and I had no reason to believe him!" Kylo shouts.

Rey's eyes are so sad and he doesn't understand. He thought she'd be defending the great Rebellion general, the _father she never had_. But instead she tilts her head. "Can anyone see us?"

Her apparent non sequitur confuses him. "No, we're the only guests, and besides, the rooms are designed for privacy. They don't allow boats and the staff is all droids."

She nods and slips one hand through the opening of his robe and with the other undoes her own. Before he knows what's happening, she presses her bare body against his and threads her arms around his waist beneath the silk, laying her head on his naked chest. Instantly he calms, the feeling of her skin acting like a balm against his tattered, frayed edges. Each point where their bodies touch beckons him from the pit of memory until he's fully in the present, holding Rey, precious Rey.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know about how he treated you," she says quietly.

"I tried so hard to make him happy when I was young. Eventually I just gave up. I think he was relieved once I left him alone."

"Oh Kylo." She tightens her arms around him. "I know what it's like to feel unwanted. I thought if I only had parents, everything would be perfect. But that's not true. I wish … I wish you'd never had to hear what you did. I think I understand a bit better why you get so angry about my childhood. It _hurt_ to feel you get disappointed and dismissed over and over like that. I wanted … I wanted to protect you, tell him he was wrong. He never … he never should have treated you like that," she says with conviction.

He curls around her, nuzzling against the top of her head, breathing her in. He thinks Rey might actually be magic.

She pulls back slightly and he has to fight with himself to let her. She looks up into his face. "Do you have any _good_ memories?"

He hesitates. "Yes. Mostly from trips, like when we would come here. Somehow, being away from the senate, the smuggling, they didn't fight so much. Sometimes it was like we were a regular family."

"Do you think … do you think that while we're here you could just tell me about those memories, when they come up? Try and remember the happy times?"

"Oh Rey … I don't know … I don't want to remember."

"Why not?" she asks guilelessly.

"Because … because … Rey, I … I _killed_ him," he whispers. He makes himself hold her eyes, waiting for the righteous anger, the accusations to begin.

"I know you did. And I know you regret it."

Her eyes are steady. He's confused at her lack of recriminations. "Yes, I do. But that doesn't mean anything."

"You're wrong. It means _everything_."

He scoffs. "He's still _dead_."

"Yes, he is. And you have to learn to live with that. But I know that you did it because you felt you had to."

"I _did_ have to!"

"Because Snoke told you to."

"Yes, and Grandfather. They said my attachment to my family was holding me back."

Rey's lips pull into a small frown and her eyes grow troubled. She looks out on the sea for a long time before looking back at him. "They were wrong to ask that of you."

It's his turn to look away. "Grandfather only wants what's best for me," he says confidently.

"But not Snoke."

"No … no, I don't think he did."

"He was your master. You went to him willingly. What changed?"

Kylo is quiet for a long time before murmuring, "You."

She blinks. "Me? I don't understand."

"He was going to have you _killed_ , you know that. And considering what's happened with my abilities, it's quite clear that we are supposed to be together. But Snoke … I don't think he _ever_ saw me. Not really. I thought he did. But … I've needed you for far longer than the months since I met you. I've always needed your compassion, your strength, your light … your love. I no longer feel like I'm being ripped in half. You … you make the pain stop. And he wanted you _dead_. He had no idea who I was or what I needed. After almost seven years of doing _everything_ he asked of me, submitting to every punishment, he didn't see what was right in front of him. He only knew how to destroy, and I want to build. I always have. After you … I felt no loyalty to him."

Rey nods. "It was still wrong to make you do that."

"Perhaps … but it's done." He cups her face with his large hand, desperate for the absolution of her light. "I know you said that you forgive me for chasing you the way that I did … But … do you think … Rey, do you think you could ever forgive me for taking him from you?"

She inhales quickly. "It's not mine to forgive, Kylo. That's between you and your mother."

He needs her skin again at the thought of facing _her_ so he pulls Rey close. She's right of course … though Rey can temporarily wash away his sins with her beautiful light … his mother is the one he must face if he wants forgiveness. He nods against her temple.

It's in that moment that they hear the first moan of the wave organ. He sighs deeply and closes his robe then ties up hers. He leads them silently to the chairs from last night. He sits and pulls her into his lap, still needing her near.

The music is less mournful in the morning, It's bittersweet, as it reminds him of sitting on a similar deck, listening for the first time. He'd not been allowed to stay up for the evening music. So this is what Sheytaya has always sounded like to him. Dancing waves, playful sea mammals. It is bright, beautiful and a welcome sort of penance.

After the music is done they sit for a long time, listening to the sounds of the ocean. The waves, the birds, the occasional seal.

He's still feeling profoundly unsettled and he _needs_ Rey but he's not sure she'd want him after talking so openly about his worst crime. Perhaps she will allow him a few soft kisses. She's still sitting across his lap so he tips her chin towards him and kisses her chastely, once, twice, three times before pulling back, looking into her eyes.

Then she holds his face and kisses him passionately. He's surprised, but he happily matches her intensity. She tastes of the fruit from breakfast and he wants to kiss more of her. He slowly works his way down her neck then pulls aside her robe to kiss her shoulder.

She doesn't seem to be stopping him, so he slips his hand beneath the fine cloth and palms her small breast, circling her nipple with his thumb. She whimpers and presses into his touch. He's already hard, and he grinds up against her. He needs her, _he needs her so much_. As long as he has Rey, everything will be alright. He shifts her in his lap so that she's straddling him, facing away. He continues to enjoy her breast while his other hand dances along her clit. She's already wet and he moans into her shoulder. Stars, what this woman _does_ to him. She leans back into him and oh Force he wants to push aside their robes and thrust up into her. He doesn't though, he can't shake the sense that he doesn't deserve to be with her in that way after all he has done.

He continues to pluck at her nipple and stimulate her perfect bud, her robe loses the battle with gravity and falls completely open. She's moving her hips rhythmically into his hand, instinctively pressing back against his hardness. The silk of his robe moves along his length and he's growing desperate to be inside of her but he still can't quite believe that she would welcome that from _him_.

Rey turns her head and looks up into his eyes. Her eyes are burning with passion and want. "Please stop teasing me."

"Teasing you?"

"Take me, please, Kylo, I _need_ you."

All his doubt is swept away by the searing lust and deep love he feels coming from her. Swiftly, he stands, keeping her in his arms.

He takes her over to a large chaise lounge and lays her down, trying to be gentle, but now that he knows she wants him just as badly, he can't slow down. He doesn't waste any time in pulling away their robes. All the emotions from earlier have left him needing to be in her, _right now_. He reaches between her legs and finds her still hot and wet.

He begins to move over her but stills, "Rey, do you need me to slow down?"

"Don't you dare," she gasps and she's reaching for him. He settles between her legs, grasps his cock, holds her eyes and plunges into her in one sure motion. They both groan at the feeling of joining.

"Better," she pronounces.

" _Much_ better," he agrees.

Then he starts to move and Force he's never going to stop making love to her. Back on the ship he's going to go to her quarters for lunch every day. He's going to take mid-afternoon breaks. He's going to have her as an appetizer and again for dessert. He's going to take her until his cock won't work any longer.

He slams into her, shouting her name and making her jolt up the chaise. "Oh Maker, Rey, you feel so damned good!"

"Yes, harder, Kylo, _harder_."

He's only too happy to give her what she wants, letting go completely, driving into her with an animal passion he didn't know lived within him. Before he knows it, he's growling as he's thrusting into her.

She's keening and her nails scrape down his back; the sting only adds to his pleasure. "Yes, Rey, mark me, claim me like you did when you branded me yours," he demands, his eyes searing into hers.

She bares her teeth at him like she's a wild thing. She pulls him down and her teeth sink into the soft flesh where his neck meets his shoulder and he nearly screams from the intensity. She's perfection, giving herself completely to their passion. He loses his rhythm for a moment, then he's grunting loudly as he plunges into her over and over again. She's getting so tight, he knows she'll come soon.

"Yes, that's it my darling. Let me hear you scream. Let me feel you come. Give me your pleasure," he breathes into her ear.

"Deeper, deeper!" she begs.

He rears back and pushes her legs forward until her ankles go over his shoulders and he drives into her as hard as he can. Dimly he thinks he shouldn't be so rough with her, but her face is almost feral and she seems to need this like he does. He doesn't want to think anymore, just _feel_.

"Yes, Maker, yes," she cries and her walls clench around him. She throws back her head and she's screaming his name, Force yes, yes, yes.

Then she arches back against the chaise and he's lost in the beauty of her surrender to her orgasm.

He slows down, letting her ride the last waves and he unhooks her legs and they go around his waist. He goes down on his elbows, suddenly wanting to be close. She blinks at him slowly and smiles. The wild energy has dissipated with her climax and he fills her slowly, tenderly kissing her cheeks, then her forehead, then finally her lips. He wraps his arms behind her and holds her as close as he can, rocking gently into her.

"I love you," he murmurs.

He pulls back slightly so he can watch her face and he thrusts into her, long, slow, and deep, his own release building. While he'd just needed to take her as hard as he could, now he needs to be gentle and he sets a languid pace, watching her expression, needing her eyes. His release comes on him slowly, wave after wave of the most glorious pleasure as he spends himself in her.

Her hands hold his face and she's pulling him towards her, kissing him intensely. Against his lips she says, "I love you, I love you so much. You make me feel whole, you make me feel safe. I didn't know I could feel so many feelings. I didn't know I could want someone the way I want you."

He's not sure she's ever said so much all at once about how she feels about him and he looks into her eyes. He's surprised to find tears.

"Did I hurt you?" he asks in alarm.

She shakes her head. "No, no. It was just intense. I've never … I didn't know I could feel like that, so out of control. Did _I_ hurt you?" she asks as she smooths her hands along his back. He feels her healing energy and he realizes she's mending the scratch marks she'd left.

"Not in any way I didn't want you to." He grins down at her.

Kylo slips from her and she frowns slightly. "I already miss you inside."

His eyes glint. "I promise you won't miss me for long."

A perfect crooked smile forms on her lips. He breathes in deeply. He has his Rey, he can face anything as long as he has her.

He gathers her up in his arms and stands, saying, "Come, let's go try that very inviting tub."

"You really like to carry me, don't you?" she observes as her arms go around his neck.

He shrugs, "It reminds me of Takodana."

She raises an eyebrow. "Where you kidnapped me?" she asks incredulously.

"No, where I fell in love with you and held you for the first time," he says meaningfully.

"Oh. Well when you put it like that I guess I can see your point."

He rolls his eyes and kisses her, hard.

* * *

A/N: Thank you jackie_01 for the alpha read (twice!). Your suggestions were essential. Thank you CharlotteCAgain for being such a great beta. You always give me that little boost I need to peek through my hands as I press 'Post'.

Thank you readers! You were all so wonderful about The Lemon. I was super nervous and you were all incredibly kind. Thank you for being here!

No Thursday update this week because of having to work this past weekend, but next Monday will be on track. I plan for Monday updates to always be a sure thing and Thursday updates being if I can manage it.


	41. Chapter 41

**A/N: I'm sorry to say that there will be no update next Monday because of the holidays.**

* * *

"Oh! What's that?" Rey squeals, pointing to a bright pink creature peeking out from under a rock in the tide pool. She has her leggings pushed up past her knees and is wearing one of her ever-present tunics. He'd made sure to request several more for her wardrobe. This one is a dark rust that makes him think of the sun in her hair.

"That, my dear, is a Lansaran anemone."

"It looks like it's so sharp!"

"But it's not. Watch this." He takes a small piece of driftwood and gently nudges one of its many fronds and it closes quickly.

"I thought it was a plant! It's alive!"

"Most of what you find here is. Do you see that?" he asks, pointing to a collection of mussels.

"Those rocks?"

"They're actually something called a mollusk, inside the shell is a small creature. It eats by filtering out plankton from the sea."

She drops to her knees and brings her face very close to the outcropping of mussels and stares at them for a long time. "Why doesn't it move?"

"They don't need to, everything comes to them. They're delicious."

She makes a strange face, but then her eyes brighten. "Do they taste like those red things in shells we had last night?"

"No … they taste of the sea, and they're a bit more … chewy."

She nods, then crawls over to another pool and gets down on her belly so she's even closer. Maker, she's perfect. She's so enthusiastic about everything. She just soaks up any little bit of knowledge, always, _always_ eager for more. He smiles to himself; Rey is often eager for _more_.

She looks up at him. "Come down here, you can't see anything way up there."

He doesn't really want to get sand on his clothing. Yes, he's much more casually dressed than usual, but it still feels … unseemly to get down on his hands and knees so he hesitates.

Something catches Rey's eyes and her hand darts into the tide pool quickly.

"Come on! You'll miss it!"

He sighs and awkwardly joins her and sees that she's holding a crab by its shell.

"I don't want to hurt it, is this okay?"

"Yes, that's fine, just mind the claws. Actually, don't touch any of its legs, I think that might frighten it." He's not actually sure. She's nearly exhausted his knowledge of sea life, not being of particular interest to him.

"Now this looks like what we had last night." She frowns slightly.

"It is, it's a crab, a type of crustacean."

Her eyes fill with horror and she lets it go immediately. "What?" she whispers.

"Rey, what's wrong?"

"A crustacean? I met one once, a Sauvax. She was … kind to me. Is this a baby?" she asks, her eyes full of conflict and concern.

He realizes immediately what she thinks. "No, no Rey. This isn't the same. At all. The Sauvax are sentient. This … well a crab doesn't have much in the way of a central nervous system. We didn't eat something with self-awareness. I wouldn't … I wouldn't do that." He's a bit unnerved that she even _thought_ he would do such a thing, but he supposes too many things occurred to her all at once.

"Oh. Okay. I just … I didn't know."

"I understand, love."

The joyful energy has been dispelled and he casts about for something new to show her, something that will bring that almost child-like glee back to her face. He gets to his feet and starts to go from pool to pool until he finds what he's looking for.

"Rey, over here!" He's actually quite excited to show her this.

"What?" She comes to his side, and this time he's the one to go down on his knees.

"Look, there, just peeking out from under that ledge," he says as he points to the edge of the water.

"What …" Then she sees it. "Oh! What's that?"

"It's a Plavonian starfish. They aren't native, but if I recall correctly Sheytaya has no starfish indigenous to their coasts." Why does he even know this? Then he remembers Han Solo … he'd brought a holobook full of interesting facts about Sheytaya on their last trip … for him. He winces and looks out to the horizon.

"Is it alright to touch it?" she asks. He nods, not trusting his voice. She reaches out and strokes its purple, rough back.

"Does it move?"

He clears his throat, "Very slowly. You probably won't notice it just from watching."

"Kylo, are you alright?"

"I … I was remembering … my father."

She gets up from the edge of the tide pool and kneels down beside him. She lays her head on his shoulder but doesn't say anything. His hand curls around hers and her comfort is enough. They stay like that for a long time.

* * *

"Come on!" she demands as she wades out into the tide, the water soaking the bottom of her rolled up leggings.

Thus far he's managed to keep from getting too wet, but he accepts that his time is up. He reaches down and pushes the edges of his trousers past his knees and joins her. The water is cold but bracing in a pleasant way. It's a nice contrast to the warm sun on his shoulders.

Rey takes his hand and before he knows it, she has him playing a juvenile game of trying to keep the ocean from catching them. The water goes out particularly far and they run after it but neither of them is paying attention as a wave crashes from the other direction. It moves fast and before he knows it, he's wet up to his waist. He looks down and scowls.

"Look at you! You'd think the water was contaminated or something!"

"I don't like having wet clothing," he grouses.

"Oh, poor baby," she pouts. "Big bad dark sider doesn't like the water."

"I never said that. If you'll recall I _thoroughly_ enjoyed our bath earlier," he leers.

He laughs when she blushes. Teasing Rey might be his new favorite thing. Well. Second favorite thing.

Rey's eyes grow wide and she calls out "Kylo!" but it's too late. His back is to the water and a large wave engulfs him. He barely keeps his feet and now he's thoroughly soaked.

He looks at Rey and she has her hand over her mouth, stifling laughter.

He stalks to her and looms over her, dripping sea water down on her face. She loses her battle and she begins to laugh hysterically. "You look like a wet womp rat!"

That does it. He grabs her around the waist and throws her over his shoulder.

"Hey!" she cries.

"You started this, it's only fair," he reasons as he wades out into the sea. She's screeching and laughing, pounding at his back with no real intent.

"Ready?"

"No!" she calls out.

"Oh yes," he promises as he dunks her in the ocean.

She comes up sputtering and he laughs as her hair streams with water. She blows her wet hair from her face then she completely shocks him when his feet are Force pulled out from under him and he lands unceremoniously on his rear.

"You know what happened last time you took me on," she taunts.

Oh, it is _on_.

* * *

They're so absorbed in their playful battle that they don't notice the clouds roll in. It's not until the first drops fall from the sky that Kylo realizes how late it has grown. The sky opens and surprisingly cold rain has them quickly running for cover.

He grabs her hand as they sprint back to their rooms, still grinning. He's so incredibly in love with her.

* * *

By the time they make it back, Rey is shivering so violently that Kylo is actually a bit concerned. He takes her swiftly to the large tub sunken into the floor and starts the hot water. Her lips are an alarming shade of blue and he reminds himself that she's from a desert planet. He peels their clothing from them both and pulls her close, trying to warm her with his body heat.

"Rey, are you alright?"

"Y-yes, j-just cold. I'll b-be fine soon," she chatters.

He doesn't want to leave her, but he needs to warm her up, _now_ , so he goes to the fireplace in front of the tub and easily begins a fire with the Force. He's back at her side in an instant and now the tub is partially full. There are three faucets, filling it quickly. He scoops her up and settles into the warm water with her tucked next to him. There's easily room for four people. It's surrounded by softly hued tiles and the fire is warming the air.

As the water rises, he rubs her arms and hands; she really has grown quite chilled. How could he have been so careless with her? He _knew_ about the rain, he even knew the temperature could drop quickly! What was he thinking? He's perfectly aware that she gets cold on the ship. He purses his lips as he tries to warm her.

The vast tub is finally to past his waist and just below her lovely breasts. "Oh, Maker, the water feels _good_ ," she moans. He's exceptionally relieved that she's no longer shivering.

Now the water is at his chest and she's submerged up to her shoulders. He waves his hand to stop the flow. Her lips are returning to their usual rosy hue and the burgeoning panic in his heart is subsiding.

She turns and presses a kiss to his collarbone and he tightens his arms around her. "I'm sorry I forgot about the rain," he says, feeling responsible.

"Oh no, you're not going to feel guilty about this. We had a wonderful time and I'm _fine_. Anyway, you got me naked and back in the tub. You should be pleased with yourself."

He smiles into her wet hair. She does have a point.

He reaches for a jar of rich, fragrant soap, infused with oils and rubs if between his palms. It's soft and sumptuous and he can't wait to smooth it along her skin.

"Turn around," he requests.

She untangles from him and presents him with her back. He moves her mane aside with his lathered hands and begins to knead into her shoulders with the soap. It's slick and his hands move easily along her skin.

"Oh, Maker, Kylo. That feels so good," she moans as he keeps pressing his fingers into her flesh.

She starts to rise from the water to give him more access. He tuts his disapproval.

"I'm warm now, I promise. It just feels so good, please don't stop."

He's helpless to refuse her, so he keeps massaging the lather into her glorious skin. She stands slightly and puts her elbows up on the edge of the tub, bringing more of her body out of the water. Soon, she's holding onto the edge and the rest of her is floating and he's fairly certain he'll use up all of his control within minutes. Her skin is pink from the heat and the nice round fullness of her bottom is floating there right in front of him.

Well, if it's his hands on her body that she wants, she shall have them. He starts to lightly drag his fingers down her back.

"Harder, like before with my shoulders."

He holds her in place with the Force so that he may press as hard as she wants and begins to massage her in earnest. She groans, deep in her throat. "Your hands are perfect, so strong."

He works his fingers along her spine, using his thumbs to relax particularly stubborn knots. He reaches the small of her back and now _he's_ groaning as he moves further down, grabbing large handfuls of the rounded flesh, kneading it firmly. He can just imagine pulling her onto his cock with his hands full of her gorgeous bottom.

She's whimpering in pleasure, and much as he'd like to continue, he needs to … shift the agenda. He releases her from his Force hold and begins to rinse the soap from her body. She turns over and sits up. Her nipples are hard with arousal as they peek out from the water. As soon as he's rinsed her thoroughly, his mouth immediately fastens on one of her peaks. He sucks at the pebbled flesh, drawing his tongue along her areola.

"I love it when you do that," she pants.

He pulls back for just a moment. "I am aware, you get marvelously loud," he says smugly as he returns to licking and sucking her taut nipples, alternating between breasts.

His cock is rigid with wanting her, bobbing in the water, but he ignores it. Her blue lips and chattering teeth had frightened him and he wants to concentrate only on her.

She, however, has different ideas and he gasps loudly when she grasps his hardness firmly beneath the water. She strokes him languidly, but the feeling of her hand on him in the hot water intensifies how it feels when their skin touches. He pulls her close and kisses her and she keeps pumping him with her strong little hand.

"Rey …" he moans out.

She shifts over to the edge of the tub and lets go of his throbbing cock. He whines out at the loss of contact, but then she's sitting on the ledge of the sunken tub and lets her knees fall open, revealing herself to him. Her eyes hold him and in a low, captivating voice she says, "I want you in me, _right now._ "

The sight of her exposed to him like that pulls him to her immediately. He would very much like to plunge into her, but he has other plans.

"Soon, but it's been so long since I did this properly," he says, going to his knees in front of her. "Last night we had other priorities."

"But, the last time was only two nights ago."

"Exactly."

He smiles, almost to himself as he places his hands on her thighs, lightly running his fingers along her slick skin. She's propping herself up by her hands, looking down at him curiously. He almost laughs. As _if_ she doesn't know _precisely_ what he's going to do to her.

He reaches for a rolled towel and puts it behind her.

"Lie back," he murmurs.

She does as he's asked, using the towel as a pillow. Her legs are dangling over the edge, still in the water. Little droplets have collected on her skin and he returns to between her knees. He kisses and licks the water from her flat stomach, stroking her thighs. Kissing a trail down to where her soft curls begin, he continues to run his fingers along her legs.

He places a soft kiss on her mound then moves to nip at her inner thigh. She gasps out and her hips press towards him, seeking his tongue. But he's not ready yet, he wants her trembling with need. He leaves hot, open mouthed kisses right where her thigh gives way to her folds, just not quite reaching where he knows she wants him.

"Please," she begs.

"Patience," he admonishes.

Slowly, he caresses her outer lips lightly, careful to avoid her clit.

"Maker, please, please," she whimpers desperately.

"Tell me what you want."

"You know what I want."

"Tell me, Rey," he orders.

"Force, Kylo, I need your mouth on me, now, please _now_."

"Like this?" he asks as he again kisses her mound, his fingertips fluttering along her inner thighs.

"Please, you're torturing me!" She grabs his head and pulls him to her heat forcefully. Her move is unexpected and he finds his face buried in her folds. He's overwhelmed by her scent and he immediately licks from her entrance up to the apex, finding his very favorite spot. Giving Rey pleasure is like nothing else he's ever known. She's so uninhibited, accepting everything he gives her.

Soon he's lapping at her enthusiastically and she's grinding against his face, pulling at his hair. He snakes his hands under her thighs and holds her tightly to him, his fingers kneading into her flesh.

He loves how she tastes, being surrounded, engulfed by Rey. He could do this for hours. Maybe someday he will, find out just how many orgasms he can coax from her body.

Both her hands are tangled in his hair, keeping him firmly in place, not that he has any intention of moving away from her delectable clit.

"Force, I'm so close, I'm already so damned close," she sobs.

The Bond is partially open, she's letting him in. His mouth is much too busy so he sends, "Oh yes, my beauty, let go my beloved. Let me feel you, give me your song."

"Yes, yes, I'm -I'm." Then she's calling out and pressing herself to his face. He senses her shatter through the Bond and he almost loses the cadence as he's swept under by her orgasm. He half expects to look down and find that he's come himself. But it was just sharing the sensation of her climax.

She's lying back, panting. Then she holds his eyes and grins wickedly. She turns on her belly, her legs still in the tub, and arches her back, creating a very inviting picture. Turning, she looks over her shoulder.

"You're not done yet," she coos, wiggling her luscious bottom to underscore her point.

Unwelcome memories of dark corners and cheap inns flash through him and he quickly shields his thoughts, grateful Rey has already turned back around so she can't see his stricken expression. He doesn't know if he can be with Rey in this position, it feels like he'd be treating her like the others. It's too close to his prior behavior. He remembers how Rey had asked, "You just bent them over and that was that?" and he flinches.

He can't, he _won't_ take her like that.

Instead he gently turns her over and her eyes cloud with confusion.

"I want to see your face," he explains.

She tilts her head, but smiles. He reaches for her, pulling her into a seated position. On his knees, he's at just the right height to slip into her. Her eyes burn with lust and she wraps her legs around him and swiftly pulls him flush against her. He gasps at the sudden feeling of all of that warm, wet skin and he wraps his arms around her, wanting to be as near as possible.

She slips her arms around his neck and kisses him fiercely. He adores the feel of her lips moving against his own, the way the sensations make him shiver. Kissing, he decides, is very much like making love. It's so intimate and he feels exceptionally close to her right now, feeling her body gently undulating under his hands as she rolls her hips.

Just being pressed up to her center feels wonderful, each snap of her hips stimulating his throbbing cock. She's so _hot_ against him. He'd been focused on her but now his desire sears through him. Desperately, he takes himself in hand and finds her entrance. While still kissing heatedly, he slides into her and groans into her mouth. Nothing feels so right as being within her.

He grabs her by her thighs and pulls her to him as he plunges into her, their mouths still fused. She clings to him and he's transported by how she's wrapped around him. He feels so treasured, wanted, precious as she keeps him tightly in her arms. Her breasts are pressed against his chest and with each thrust her perfect nipples add another layer of delectable feeling to this symphony of sensation.

Finally, he must stop kissing her, he needs air and he needs her eyes. He pulls back and slows his pace. Tenderly, he draws back and again presses home, holding her gaze. Her lips are parted and she's panting quietly.

"Oh, Rey. You are so beautiful," he murmurs and she smiles slightly. It quickly turns into a gasp as he buries himself as deep as he can. Just as he'd imagined, his large hands cup her bottom, nearly covering each perfect round. He pulls her to him as he thrusts into her, allowing him to go even deeper.

"Maker, oh Force. You feel _incredible_. Don't stop, never stop," she cries out.

"No, never, I'll never stop making you mine," he promises.

Exquisite tension is building within him as he continues to drive into her, each stroke growing more frantic. She holds onto him, keeping him close. Their hot, wet skin touching everywhere. It's almost too much, the way the energy crackles where they're skin to skin.

It's happening again, he's beginning to lose the sense of where he ends and she begins. Then she again lets the Bond open completely and he cries out, "Rey! Force, Rey!"

"I know, I know," she moans.

"So good, how can you feel so good?" Then he's kissing her again, plunging his tongue into her mouth as he plunges his cock into her welcoming center. She's all he wants, all he'll ever want. Rey …

He's nearing the precipice, but she's not with him and he starts to panic.

"No, don't. You already gave that to me, just let go. I want you to fill me. I want to hear you, please, let me hear you."

He can't think it through, she feels too amazing. Instinct takes over and he just needs to _come_.

"Rey!" he shouts, nearly there.

"Yes, yes, oh Maker, yes!" she howls.

Then with one last forceful thrust he roars out "Rey!" and he's spilling into her, burst after burst of his pleasure filling her. His chest is heaving as he slips from her. He shudders and gasps, trying to recover.

He leans his forehead against hers and he's trembling, overwhelmed by the intensity of his climax, the feeling of her skin, and the way the Bond is flowing between them. His throat is tight and his eyes are stinging. He just loves her so much. He can't express it, but he _needs_ to.

Her arms and legs are still wrapped around him and he has her clasped to him. He pulls back slightly so he can see her face. He cups her cheek with his hand and looks deeply into her eyes. "Rey, I …" he trails off, his voice breaking over the syllable of her name. He can't speak yet, afraid he might actually start to cry.

He blinks and clears his throat and tries again. "I need more words to describe what you mean to me. Love is too small." He takes in a shaky breath, trying to figure out how to say what's inside, how she has changed everything. Changed _him_.

Kylo kisses her cheek then presses his face next to hers, trying to calm his racing heart. "You've brought me to life," he breathes into her ear. "Before you, I struggled with who I am, who I should be, who I want to be." He draws his cheek against hers as he pulls back to again look into her eyes. "You are the call to the light. You are the light to my dark. You are balance. You … oh Rey …. I love you so much," he whispers. He can feel unshed tears gathering in his eyes.

Then she's kissing his cheeks and he realizes they've broken free. She kisses away his tears and holds him as tight as she can.

"I know, I understand. I don't know how to say it either." Through the Bond she simply lets her feelings suffuse him and his tears begin again at knowing this tremulous, beautiful warmth is for him. That Rey, perfect, brilliant, exquisite Rey has these feelings hiding within her, that she has gifted him with their bounty … he can't quite believe it, certain that if he reaches out and touches them this dream will surely shatter.

"Oh, Kylo … yes, this is for you, only for you," she says as she sends another wave.

He closes his eyes and pulls her as close as he can, burying his face at her neck. He chokes back a sob. He's been so lonely for so long and now she's here. The torment is finally over.

"Shhh," she soothes.

"I'm sorry," he whispers.

"No, don't be. I can feel so much from you right now, help me understand."

Keeping his face hidden, he tries to explain. "I cut myself off from everyone. They cut me off, I'm not really sure. I just know that sometimes I was so alone that I thought I would drown in the solitude. I never spoke of anything inside me. I never let anyone even _touch_ me. And now there's you. You see me. _All of me_. And you don't draw back in revulsion."

She gasps and swiftly pulls his face to hers and looks into his eyes intently. "How could I? Your soul is so beautiful. I know you've done … things, but that's not who you are."

He wonders, does she understand that the things he's done are necessary, not what he _wants_ to do? She blinks a bit, looking confused, but then she kisses him so tenderly.

"Neither of us will be lonely again, even without the Bond, what's between us is too strong, now."

"You … even without the Bond?" He's always felt that way, but never for one moment did he think that Rey would feel that way as well.

"It's far too late for that, Kylo. I don't think I could ever stop loving you. I fought it for almost a year, and it won." She smiles. "And I wouldn't have it any other way."

* * *

He's drying her off with a large, soft towel, taking great care. Soon she's dry and he helps her into her robe. He begins to dry himself when she takes the towel from him, giving him a stern look.

He frowns slightly, not entirely comfortable with this. She catches his expression. "Why can't I do this for you?"

"You can, I just …"

"You take such good care of me, why don't I get to care for you?"

"It's … taking care of you is … it's my privilege. I don't want you to have to."

"But it's not about having to. I want to."

"You do?"

"Of course I do. You don't think I get the same satisfaction that you do?"

"I … I hadn't thought about that."

"Well, then," she says as she finishes drying him. Now she's helping him put on his robe and he can't help but catch her in a tight embrace.

"I will never let you go."

"Better not."

* * *

What is that infernal beeping? He wakes up confused. It's late afternoon and it takes him a moment to figure out where he is. The only thing that keeps him from being completely disoriented is Rey tucked into his side. They'd fallen asleep after their bath. He gets his bearings and realizes it's the communication console. Hux. It's his daily check-in with Hux.

Grumbling, he gently pulls from Rey and goes to the wall, jamming the button to receive the annoying man.

"Is the ship on fire, Hux?"

"Pardon me, sir?"

"Just checking if there was a real reason to contact me."

"We agreed that I would communicate with you daily."

Kylo rubs the bridge of his nose. Why did he agree to that again?

"Well, anything to report?"

"Everything is order for the war council in five days."

"Excellent," Kylo says in a tone that indicates that it's anything but.

"The ship is running at peak efficiency. You will be returning tomorrow, yes?"

"Yes, Hux. We'll be coming back tomorrow." Much as he wishes they weren't.

"When should we expect you?"

"Tomorrow," Kylo says shortly.

"Any particular _time_ , Supreme Leader?" the general asks with asperity.

"When we feel like it. Now, if that's all, I have things I'd really rather be doing." He only has one more day here with Rey and he's going to make the most of it.

"Yes, sir." Kylo can hear Hux's brow arching.

He turns off the transmission and returns to Rey, finding she's woken up.

"Your hair!" she exclaims as he comes back to bed.

He lifts his hand self-consciously, "What about it?"

"You have to see it," she says as she drags him into her dressing room and stands him in front of her mirror. She wasn't kidding, his hair is sticking up in all manner of angles and he realizes he'd fallen asleep with it wet. He really does look ridiculous.

He starts to run his fingers through it, trying to get it to behave. Then she's pulling him back to the sitting area and pushing him to sit down.

"What are you doing?"

"Fixing your hair," she says matter-of-factly.

Then he feels one of the most glorious things he's ever felt. Rey is brushing his hair. Yes, this will do it. He's surely going to purr now.

She slowly works out the tangles and brushes his hair gently while his head falls back and his eyes close in bliss. He moans low in his throat, not entirely voluntarily.

Once she's finished getting it in order she just keeps brushing. "You seem to like this," she breathes into his ear, then places a little kiss on his temple.

"You have no idea how good this feels."

"You're right, I don't. No one has ever brushed my hair for me. I suppose someone did when I was very small, but I don't remember it."

The idea is impossibly sad to him. His mother had looked after his hair while he was growing up, and it was always a tender time between them. She'd still cut it for him even once he was old enough to comb it himself. He's not going to allow one more moment to pass without Rey knowing this feeling.

He takes the brush from her and stands. "Here, you sit," he requests.

"Oh, no, you don't have to do that."

"But I'm going to, now sit," he repeats in a firm tone.

Rey looks at him for a long moment, her expression unreadable. The Bond is slightly open, and he senses that warm, soft feeling he now knows is her love and he smiles. "Let me tend to you, sweetheart."

She finally sits and he starts at the ends. Her hair is also a bit of a mess from going to sleep with it wet. Gently, he works out each knot until it's gleaming, her soft waves flowing down her back. Then he begins to simply brush through her silken tresses. Why hadn't he thought to do this before? He's always loved her hair, and this simple act feels decidedly intimate.

Kylo bends over slightly to see her face and finds her eyes closed and her expression calm. He keeps brushing until she starts to make light mewling sounds of pleasure.

"Now who's going to purr?"

She cracks open an eye and smirks at him. "You're right, this _is_ pretty fantastic."

"Perhaps you'll let me make a habit of this?" he enquires lightly, surprised at how much he hopes she'll say yes.

"If you're good."

"You know I can be _very_ good," he says lowly as he puts down the brush. He tilts her chin back and captures her lips for a deep kiss. They still have time before dinner …

* * *

A/N: Thank you to my brilliant beta, CharlotteCAgain. She is so talented and I'm so lucky she gives her time to my story.

Thank you readers. You all mean so much to me. I am consistently blown away by your support. If you celebrate a holiday this December, I hope you and your family find joy and peace with each other. I'll try to update the Thursday between Christmas and New Year's. Thanks again, my wonderful, magical snowflakes!


	42. Chapter 42

"This is the best wine yet," Rey says, her faced flushed and her eyes glassy. It's a local dessert wine with a light citrus flavor. She'd liked it so much that he'd ordered a second bottle and he realizes he's managed to get her a bit drunk.

She stands, swaying slightly and comes over to Kylo, draping her arms around his neck. "I love you," she says in a sing-song voice then she kisses him passionately. They never had bothered to get dressed after the rain, staying in their robes. He's quite tempted to push the robe from her shoulders and kiss his way down her body, but he's made love to her many times in the last day and he's worried he's going to hurt her if he doesn't give her time to recover.

Rey pulls her lips from his and caresses his jaw until she reaches his ear. "The music will start soon. I want to watch the moons on the waves with you deep inside me," she moans throatily.

He makes a helpless, strangled sound that turns into an almost yelp when she strokes him through the silk of his robe. Maker, no one could ever accuse Rey of being _shy_.

"Rey, my love, I think perhaps you've had too much to drink."

"Nope, _you_ haven't had enough." She pulls from him and wanders over to the cabinet of spirits in the corner until she finds whatever it is that she's looking for. She fills a large tumbler more than halfway full with a clear alcohol and brings it to him.

"Time to catch up," she demands.

"I don't typically imbibe to the point of intoxication."

"Yeah, you _really_ need to catch up. 'Intoxication'? The word you're looking for is _drunk_. Come on, bottoms up!"

He grimaces. He doesn't like the out-of-control feeling that comes from drinking to excess. He has occasionally sought the numbness of alcohol, but not since he was much younger.

"Okay, fine." She snatches the drink and takes a large gulp, gasping, then she plunks it down on the table.

"Rey, what are you doing?" he exclaims.

"If you won't drink it, I will. Then I'll be completely useless and I _know_ you wouldn't like that one bit." She licks her lips suggestively and his cock twitches hopefully.

He's still frowning at the glass in front of him when she goes to pick it up again. "Stop, Rey, please."

"Gonna catch up?" she asks almost belligerently.

"Stop, please. This isn't you."

Rey snorts. "It's not _my_ fault you're some sort of giant. You had just as much wine as I did, but you're freakishly huge, so you don't feel it."

His lips thin and he doesn't quite know what to do. There's something about her recklessness that has him on alert. In a way he wonders if she's right. It might be rather … fun to give in to her demand, but there's something about how she's pushing that makes him wary.

He closes his eyes and concentrates, pulling the Force around him. Her eyes go wide as he burns the alcohol from her blood. She shakes her head and finally looks at him. Her expression is embarrassed and he reaches for her, pulling her into his arms.

"No, Rey. Please don't feel like that."

"I shouldn't have-"

"No, no. It was my fault. I ordered the second bottle. But … is something wrong?"

She looks away, her hands splayed on his chest. She stays silent.

"Rey?" he prods.

Her eyes flit to his for the briefest of moments before she's again looking away from him. "I don't want to go back tomorrow," she finally whispers.

He swallows thickly, trying to keep himself from jumping to the conclusion that she's wanting to leave him. Rey is right, he does frequently assume the worst possible interpretation of her words, so he holds his tongue and waits for her to continue.

She's still refusing to meet his eyes. "It's been so perfect here, I don't feel any of the conflict, the … shame."

"Shame?" This he must understand. He knows shame, intimately, and the idea that he could still inspire such a feeling in her shakes him deeply. She'd felt ashamed of their first kiss, if she feels that way after sharing their bodies the way that they had … but he shoves it down and keeps listening, careful to shield his feelings. He will _show_ her that he can keep himself from being pulled into that place of no control and terror.

"Do you _really_ not know how hard it is for me to be so happy with you while pushing aside so much?"

"I … no, I don't. Please tell me."

"I _should_ be with Leia and Finn, but … I don't want to leave you." Her lovely eyes are wide with anguish. "I know it doesn't matter, you'd never let me go. But that doesn't stop me from feeling guilty." She shrugs and again steals her gaze from him.

She's spoken of this before; he doesn't like it. He hates remembering that she'd preferred them to him. He'd hoped that she'd come further, believing more in what he's trying to do. He hadn't known she was still so preoccupied with the _Resistance_.

He takes in a deep breath, determined to find a way through this. "How can I help?"

She smiles slightly. "You are such a mess of contradiction. No one, I mean, literally no one would believe me if I told them who you are when we're alone."

His brow furrows in disagreement. "I'm not so different with you."

She looks at him incredulously. "Really," she says flatly.

"I know that I am a … focused man. I can't help but put my whole self into something when I know it's right. You, me … us. We are the rightest thing I've ever experienced. There is no contradiction, when you look at it from that perspective."

"Hmmm … " She looks at him skeptically. "But you're so _gentle_ with me, and I don't think … I don't think you're a gentle man by nature."

He draws his fingers along her cheek before pulling her closer into his embrace. "You make me gentle. You always have."

She looks at him with stark disbelief in her eyes. "I know we don't talk about it much, but you were hardly _gentle_ on _Starkiller_."

"I was, actually. Do you remember when the Bond was first forming, when I didn't protect you from Snoke's … discipline?"

Horror flashes through her eyes and she utters lowly, "Yes. I'll never forget your screams." He feels her shudder in his arms.

"I _am_ sorry for that. I learned quickly how to shield you."

Her eyes fly open. "Wait, it happened again, after that?"

"Many times. His methods were harsh."

"And you followed him. Willingly." Disgust weaves thickly through her tone.

"He was the only one who could teach me what I needed to know. Once Grandfather began to speak to me, he sent me to Snoke. I needed the power he provided. It's the only way to fix the galaxy."

Rey grimaces and pulls from his arms. She stands away from him, holding herself as she often does. His hands twitch to pull her back, but he's slowly learning to give her space when she curls into herself like this.

"Rey …"

" _This_ is why I don't want to go back," she rushes to say, placing her hands on his biceps. "I want us to just run away together. I don't have to go back to the Resistance. I'll let it all go. Please, we're so happy." Her fingers clutch at him and her beautiful eyes plead with him. It's _so_ tempting. A simple life full of joy and completion blooms in his mind. It's frightfully easy to imagine, a little house on a small planet with an ever growing family. For an endless moment he holds her cheek in his hand, transfixed by how his hand covers nearly half of her face. There's so much hope and he wants very badly to walk away from everything. He's never been so happy as he is when alone with her and in these few seconds held outside of time and space, his soul almost says yes. But he can't be that selfish.

"Rey … no. I can't. I have too much to do. I'm so close, now. With you by my side, I know it's only a matter of time before I'm able to bring the galaxy under my control."

Her eyes slide shut and her shoulders fall. Waves of disappointment crash into him and he nearly changes his mind. She shakes her head and opens her eyes. "Why must you … Please, could you just concentrate on what the First Order already possesses? If what you've said is true, surely the other systems will want to join. Let them. In their own time. Please." Her hand goes over his, holding his fingers to her cheek.

"No … I … it's been too long already. Think of all the girls just like you, suffering, _starving_. I can't simply wait. Do you truly want me to?"

She pulls from him, replacing the distance between them. "Yes! People have to choose, you can't … you can't control them. It _always_ breaks down. There will always be another Resistance, another Rebellion," she says fervently.

His fists clench at his sides. "No! Not this time. I will make sure of it. The galaxy hasn't seen the likes of me, my power, _our_ power, in generations. From what you've told me of our Bond, we are the first spontaneously Force Bonded pair to be so close to ruling it all. That _means_ something."

"Please, please, don't talk like that. I'm not ruling anything. You might, but I _never_ will."

"Of course you do. Simply by being with me. You influence me. Every choice I make, I make it with you in mind. You _are_ part of this."

"I thought you said I wasn't. That no one who mattered would think I was part of the First Order," she blazes.

"I didn't mean it like that. I meant that you are a part of _me_ , I am a part of you. We can't help it. Maybe it's been true since you were born."

"What do you mean?"

"You know that I've always been conflicted. When I was Jedi, I felt the pull to the dark. Once I was with Snoke I felt the pull to the light. I thought it was vestigial, my family, my training. But no, it was _you_. Across the systems, you have always been meant for me. Destiny, the Force, the Bond _proves_ that. I was being drawn to _you_."

"You think … you think without me you would be wholly dark?"

"Yes, it's my path. The Bond proves it. We are meant to be as we are. I am the dark to your light. Together we bring balance. Together we have all the power needed to ensure peace and order for everyone. Please, Rey. Can't you see what an opportunity this is?"

Her eyes are clouded with conflict and she's about to speak. But then her jaw snaps shut and she nods slightly to herself. "Before, you were going to tell me how you were gentle on _Starkiller_."

He doesn't want to change the subject. He feels that he's close to helping her finally accept his vision, but her rigid posture causes him to let it go. For now.

"Yes, I was. How I was trained, it was unyielding and I was not given to … mercy. But there was something about you. Typically, I would not have interrogated you initially. First they would have tried … pain. I wouldn't allow it, I was with you until you woke up. They wanted to hurt you but I wouldn't let them.

"When I went into your mind, I did everything I could do to minimize the pain. The only reason you felt any … discomfort was that you fought me. Had you simply allowed me to find the map, you would haven't felt anything at all. I _was_ gentle. Obviously I wish I'd done everything differently, but … given the context, I … I was gentle."

There is a flicker of affection in her eyes that is swiftly replaced by disappointment. "Is that how it still works? Torturing prisoners?"

He hadn't considered how he's now opened the door to the First Order interrogation protocols and he only just manages not to groan at his own stupidity. Rey will have _many_ feelings on _this_ subject.

"Yes. I'm sorry … but yes. Sometimes time is of the essence. I guarantee you that the Resistance uses similar methods."

"We absolutely do not!" she shouts. Her hands go to her hips and he sighs.

"Are you so sure? Even the best of intentions have a way of getting confused during war."

Rey blinks and looks away, her arms tighten around her. Then she turns away and he watches her, hoping she'll come back to him.

When she doesn't, he tries to reason with her. "Sweetheart, the music will start very soon. We only have the rest of tonight and tomorrow morning here, let's not spoil it. Please, darling. I know we have so many things we've yet to discuss, but … please. Come here, let me hold you."

She finally turns back to him. Her brow knits and her eyes flood with anguish. "I don't … to just keep pretending …"

"Pretending? Pretending what?" he asks fearfully.

"No! Don't think that. I'm not pretending that I love you or anything like that. I mean … the things I tell myself so that I can be with you."

"I didn't realize you found it so difficult," he says with a hurt tone.

"I don't! Not like you've taken it. Maker, Kylo … do you ever think about what this is like for me? How would you feel if I'd taken you to the Resistance and you knew you couldn't leave? That you didn't … that you didn't _want_ to leave. How would you feel if all of your principles kept flowing through your fingers because of how it feels when I kiss you?"

"I don't want that ... "

"I know you don't. I do know that. Just … " Her shoulders fall and she inhales slowly. "You're right, we don't have much more time. Please, though … try to think about how this is for me. If I thought you understood …"

He wants to, very much. He's deeply conflicted. This conversation feels important, but she's accepted that this won't be solved tonight. Perhaps if they touch, it will melt away.

He opens his arms and looks at her beseechingly, "Please."

She regards him for a moment then she crosses the distance and he folds her in his arms. There. Yes, this is right. Nothing else matters but _this_. He strokes her back with one hand and holds her to him with the other.

He closes his eyes and lets their connection wash over him. "See? Everything will be alright. We're together, that's all that truly matters."

She stiffens in his arms but then she sighs. "Alright, Kylo."

* * *

The music has just ended and he's holding her close. "Let's always come here for special occasions," she sighs out.

"Yes, I'd like that." He thinks about how soon it will be a year since Takodana and he's already trying to figure out how to arrange for a longer visit. However, perhaps she won't like the reminder of all that happened when they first crossed paths. He realizes that it's also almost been a year since … Han Solo and the conflict that rises within him is sharp and overwhelming.

She's left the Bond partially open and she breathes out, "Oh …" He's relieved he doesn't have to explain.

"I didn't … I didn't mean to remind you. I hadn't thought about how to handle a year since we met. I suppose it _is_ our anniversary. But … so much … happened," Rey says softly.

The word 'anniversary' helps pull him from the morass of memory and he focuses on her willingness to think in such terms.

"I would like … I wish so many things had gone differently those two days," he murmurs into her hair. There is a light breeze and she shivers. He should take her back inside, but he can sense how much she's enjoying the light of the moons. He wraps her more tightly in his arms instead, attempting to shield her from the chill.

"Tell me, tell me how you wish it had gone."

"Well, I wish that I'd taken you somewhere, anywhere but _Starkiller_. I wish I could have explained to you right then what I was feeling. I wish I had never invaded your mind. I wish … I wish that Han Solo were still alive." He's surprised by how deeply he wishes that were true. Somehow, being here with her has made it easier to face the past and it doesn't feel nearly so sharp and painful.

"Do you really?"

"Yes … Snoke was wrong … Grandfather was wrong. It only weakened me. And now that Grandfather isn't speaking to me any longer, I don't know if he feels that it was wrong, too."

"Wait … he's not speaking to you?"

"He hasn't for months. Perhaps he knows that I no longer need him now that I have you." He smiles at her fondly and strokes his hand through her hair.

"Hmm … perhaps." He feels a swell of doubt through the Bond but he doesn't press.

She shivers again and much as he's enjoying holding her, he must bring her back inside. "Come, beloved. I don't want a repeat of this afternoon."

She shifts in his arms and looks up at him over her shoulder. "Oh, I don't know. I liked how that all worked out," she says with a suggestive tone.

"Ah, but we could skip right to the end without your lips turning blue."

She turns completely in his arms and goes on her toes. Just before she kisses him she whispers, "Warm me up, Kylo."

* * *

He's buried deep inside her and she's so hot and tight around him. He's not even sure how many times she's allowed him to claim her. He didn't think he could manage so frequently. He's not surprised though, his thirst for her is endless.

She's gasping beneath him and her eyes are unfocused. He thrusts hard, Maker the way she caresses his length with her walls makes him delirious with ecstasy. He shifts and lifts one of her legs by her ankle, allowing him to see how he disappears into her pink, perfect folds. The sight of driving into her makes his balls tighten and, stars, she feels like home.

His mind blurs with pleasure, Rey, Rey, Rey. She's meeting every thrust and she's panting.

"Come into me as hard as you can, please, I want you to take me apart."

"Yes, oh, Maker, yes," he cries out. He's beyond caring about being rough with her, he just has to keep moving his hips, feeling each ridge of her holding him. He slams into her with everything he has as his back arches and he's grinding against her clit.

"Kylo, oh, Force. More, everything. Give me everything."

"Yes, always, all that I am, everything."

She holds his eyes and her pupils are blown wide with lust. "Harder, harder. Please, harder," she begs.

So good, so good. She bows off the bed and wraps her arms around him, her hot mouth at his ear. "I want you take me so hard I can't walk tomorrow," she growls.

Yes, yes, yes. He takes her ankles in his hands and pushes them forward, lifting her backside and causing her torso to fall back onto the mattress. He thrusts as hard as he can, as fast as he can. This angle gives him even more access and he feels as he crashes against her cervix.

She keens, screams, nearly weeps. "Kylo, Force, yes, just like that. Oh Maker, you're so hard, so good. Take me, take me, take me!" she hollers out.

"Yes, mine, you're mine," he snarls.

"Yours, only ever yours.

"Yes," he hisses. "Mine!"

Her hands fist the sheets and she's calling out his name. Her walls rhythmically contract. Yes, there it is.

"This," he pants as he drives into her, "Is mine."

"Yes, yours."

"Your body is mine."

"No one else's."

"Your heart," he says, holding her eyes with ferocious intensity, "is mine."

"Oh Maker, oh yes."

She's finally coming undone and he pistons into her. "Your pleasure, is mine!" he roars.

She's incomprehensible as she writhes through her orgasm, moaning out her bliss.

Watching her flushed, glistening face contort with such sublime rapture pulls him to the edge.

With each powerful thrust he grunts, "Mine," until he's filled with exquisite tension, so close to flooding her with his release.

He drops her ankles and swiftly goes to his elbows so that his face is so close to hers. Her eyes snap to his and he plunges into her. "Tell me!" he demands as ropes of his seed are pulled from him.

"Yours!" she cries out.

"Yes, mine!" he bellows with one final thrust. He's breathing hard and seated fully in her, trying to catch his breath.

He peppers her face with tender little kisses, murmuring "Mine."

He kisses her cheeks. "Mine."

Then he kisses her forehead. "Mine."

He holds her gaze again and whispers, "Mine," before kissing her lips softly.

* * *

"Let's go out to the terrace one more time," she requests after they've finished packing.

He follows her out and stands behind her, holding her close as they look out on the brilliant blue sea.

"This has been perfect, thank you so much," she says as she settles back against him. He nuzzles her ear and kisses her cheek gently.

"Happy birthday, my love."

* * *

As she lands his shuttle in the hangar she gets a strange expression and she closes the Bond. She hasn't done that since their first night on Sheytaya, always leaving it at least partially open.

"Rey, what's wrong?"

"I just … I don't like coming back here. I feel … trapped."

He purses his lips and hopes his last surprise will help with this.

"You aren't, you know."

"Well, that's not exactly true."

"Of course it is! I don't monitor your movements, you have free run of the ship!"

"Yes, but if I left you'd only find me."

That hurts, badly and he looks away. "Do you … do you want to leave?"

"No! I didn't mean that … I just … I guess I'm still not entirely over how I came to be here."

"I thought you'd forgiven me," he says sadly.

"I have! But that doesn't mean I don't still have … feelings about it."

"I see." Though he doesn't.

"Never mind, please forget I said anything," she says briskly, standing from the pilot's chair. The ramp is descending and she moves past him. He snags her wrist and pulls her to him.

"I'm sorry. I wish I could do it all over again, I truly do."

"I know, I know you do. It's alright." She goes on her toes and kisses him, letting her lips linger. It sparks along his spine, but he knows he can't really deepen the kiss. They'd already made excellent use of his shuttle during the three-hour trip and he's certain Hux is waiting.

He lets her go regretfully and follows her down the ramp. Just as he'd expected, he finds Hux waiting. What he hadn't anticipated is Vitok and Kes waiting as well. Rey rushes to Kes and takes her hands. Before he knows it, the young women are whispering in each other's ears. Then Kes exclaims, "Your birthday!"

He looks to Vitok and finds her face stormy. What did he do now? "Vitok Ren," he says cautiously.

"Her birthday? All of this was for her _birthday_?"

"Yes?"

Vitok scowls and crosses her arms. "When was it?" she asks shortly.

"Two days ago?" he asks as if it's a question, still not certain why she's displeased.

"So you whisked her away and didn't tell any of us that it was her birthday."

"I … I didn't thi-"

"You didn't think. Why am I not surprised," Vitok says, shaking her head in disappointment.

Kylo looks to Hux and is rather pleased to find him standing still and looking between him and Vitok, white with panic. At least someone still respects him. Though after this, it's not likely to last long.

"Vitok," Kylo says with what he hopes is authority. "Why precisely are you displeased?"

Vitok looks back to Hux then to Kylo and at least she has the good grace to look chastened. "Forgive me, Supreme Leader. It's only that we would have liked to acknowledge the day. Had we known."

He hadn't thought of that. He feels a bit stupid for having missed that detail. Much as he'd prefer it not to be so, he's not her entire world. Rey insists on having friends. Friends who would like to celebrate her nearly as much as him. He frowns and looks away, trying to salvage the situation. He looks over at Rey and finds her pulling her air flower out of her bag, showing it to Kes. She's not paid any attention to Vitok's frustration.

Dropping his voice, Kylo says, "Her birthday was the day before yesterday, she turned 21. Perhaps you and Kes would like to arrange … something. This was the first time she's known when her birthday was."

"Her first? Oh, I would have wanted … well, no matter. Better late than not at all. Next year, however, you will include her friends, yes?"

Kylo looks down, realizing he may have inadvertently taken something from Rey by not ensuring others could celebrate her. He'd been so focused on making it perfect the thought truly hadn't occurred to him. When he looks up he finds Hux still glancing warily between himself and Vitok. Belatedly, he realizes he really shouldn't have allowed Vitok to be so informal, but he won't chastise her publicly.

"Hux," Kylo says.

"Yes, Supreme Leader?"

"Please arrange that our bags be taken to our quarters, I have one more task to be seen to."

"Of course, sir."

Kylo strides over to Rey and Kes and clears his throat. Rey looks up from her close conversation with her friend.

"What is it?" she asks.

"Rey, if you will come with me, I have one last thing to show you." He offers her his arm.

She tilts her head but comes to his side and slips her hand around the crook of his elbow.

"Kes," he acknowledges the newly-minted officer.

"Supreme Leader."

As he escorts Rey from the main hangar he sees Vitok go to Kes and he's certain they're already planning. Or perhaps plotting, he's not sure which.

* * *

Kylo is terribly excited to show Rey her real birthday present. It had been difficult not to spoil the surprise and just tell her while they were on Sheytaya.

As they walk Rey looks up at him. "Where are we going?"

"Well … I have another present for you. It's actually your real birthday present. The flower was a token, honestly. But … well, you'll see."

"There's more? Oh, Kylo, no, you've already done so much."

"I could never do enough. Just let me, please."

She grows quiet, but she draws closer and he wants to wrap her in his arms and kiss her senseless. But, he's nearly to their destination so he keeps them moving on.

Kylo stops in front of two large doors and he opens the door to the space he's had set aside, encouraging Rey to precede him. She walks into the small, private hangar and stops, looking at the new TIE. She turns to him curiously.

"This, Rey, is your true birthday present."

"A ship? For me?"

"Yes, I know how much you like to fly and I thought if you were able to leave the ship whenever you fe-"

He's cut off by Rey's mouth on his. She kisses him firmly then pulls back and her eyes are gleaming. "Thank you! Oh thank you!"

Then she's running to the cockpit and she's already in the pilot's seat and gliding her hands over the controls before he registers she's no longer in his arms.

"Can I take her out now?" she calls down to him.

"Right now? I thought you'd be tired after our journey."

"Are you kidding? Poe told me these things really move and I can't wait. I couldn't exactly do barrel rolls in your shuttle. Though I did consider it."

"Well, thank you for that, love. Yes, alright. Don't … don't be too long?"

"I won't, I promise." Then as quickly as she popped into the TIE she's back at his side.

"Thank you, truly. This is perfect. You're perfect. You've given me the best birthday I could have had."

"I'm so glad Rey. That's all I want, your happiness."

She smiles softly up to him. "I know. Okay, do I need to alert anyone?"

"Just inform the tower that you're leaving, they know you as simply Rey."

"Not Lady Rey?" Her eyes crinkle with amusement.

"You did not seem to care for that title."

"I suspect I'll have to get used to it … someday." She kisses his cheek and hops back into the TIE. He stands there a bit stunned. Had she actually suggested that she might willingly … Is she hinting something? He shakes his head to clear it, he'll have to think about this more deeply later.

He ignores the sharp pang of apprehension as the TIE glides into open space. She'll be back. Of course she'll be back. This TIE doesn't have a hyperdrive.

* * *

A/N: I know that we're all really feeling the loss of Carrie Fisher. I still don't really know how to express it properly. Thank you to my Reylo family for being so amazingly supportive of each other this last week.

Thank you CharlotteCAgain for your fabulous beta skills. You are so kind to me!

Thank you readers. I've come to know so many of you and I'm extremely grateful for all of you. May 2017 bring joy and blessings to you all!


	43. Chapter 43

Kylo is walking to the bridge when the Bond comes alive. "Poe wasn't kidding! This thing is fast!" she exclaims through their connection. He smiles broadly.

"You're enjoying it then?"

"It's _amazing_. And she's really mine?"

"Yes, sweetheart. You can take her out any time you like." Her happiness soothes his fear that she would try something.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" He feels her elation through the Bond and he's grinning when he enters the bridge.

The communications officer blinks and several others stare openly. It's only then that he realizes he's not wearing his helmet. It's back in his quarters. After not wearing it for several days he simply forgot. His face swiftly takes on a cold sneer.

He holds the confused woman's gaze in challenge and she quickly averts her eyes. He continues to his office.

* * *

"Everything is prepared for the day after tomorrow. All of the generals will be arriving on the _Finalizer_ and we will have the war council in your hall." Hux ticks something off of his datapad.

"Yes, yes," Kylo dismisses, then remembers his plan to introduce his changes to the stormtrooper program. "Actually, General …"

Hux's eyes narrow at the use of his title. "Yes, sir?"

"I have some plans for the stormtroopers, schedule time for me to present the new protocols to the generals."

"What new protocols?" Hux asks suspiciously.

"You'll find out with everyone else."

"Does this have to do with KS-2153's recent change in status?"

"Yes."

Hux's eyes narrow further. "Vitok has mentioned some frankly disturbing ideas. You aren't really planning on instituting _shore leave_ , are you?" he asks with distaste.

"You will find out when I present my intentions. Is there anything else?"

"Yes, sir. The Resistance continues to stay silent."

"No word of them at all?"

"Not a single sign. As I said before, it's as if they've disappeared. We've increased our spy drone sweeps and even contracted with bounty hunters, but there's no sign of them."

Kylo purses his lips and steeples his fingers. This is very unlike Leia Organa, especially now that he has Rey with him.

"I see. Tell me immediately if anything changes."

"Yes, sir," Hux says as he withdraws.

Kylo looks out at the stars, wondering what his mother is playing at and if Rey is enjoying herself in equal measure. He reaches out through the Bond and brushes lightly, begging entrance. She allows him to feel her almost immediately. He's suffused with such joy and a sense of abandon that he finds himself chuckling lightly. "I love you," he sends through the Bond.

She doesn't respond with words, but a wave of gratitude and warmth washes over him.

He sits back in his chair and lets his head fall back, closing his eyes. He never did go retrieve his helmet. He lets Rey's happiness weave through him and he thinks of the blissful time they'd spent on Sheytaya. Everything is coming together. Rey is truly his, and he is truly hers now. Months … a lifetime, really, of dreams are coming true. He's always craved this sense of belonging she's given him. Peace, true peace settles over him. For the first time in 20 years he feels _loved_.

* * *

"I'd really like to see that transmission that Leia sent. I know you said you weren't ready, but it's been well over a week now."

They've just finished dinner after she'd returned from testing out her new ship. They're sitting on her settee and she's in his lap. He finds he prefers her there to sitting beside him. She's stroking his hair and he's fairly certain she's doing it to keep him calm. It's working.

Kylo sighs heavily. "Rey … I don't want you to see it."

"But you said I could soon."

"I know what I said. And I will. But you must know how much I don't want you to hear what she said about me. She thought I was capable of hurting you in the most intimate of ways … I don't … I don't want you to hear it."

"But I know it's not true, and after the holo from Eshara, I'm sure she does now, too. Please, Kylo. I've missed her so much. I just want to see her face and hear her voice. Please."

He looks away, trailing his fingers along her back. He doesn't want to do this, but he _did_ tell her that he would. He supposes it won't be any easier if it's tomorrow or a month from now. It will never be easy to know Rey has heard those damning words.

Finally he looks back into her delicate face. "Alright, I'll have the transmission sent to your datapad tomorrow. We can watch it in the evening."

"Uhm …" Her eyes flit to his then away again. "I was hoping to watch it alone."

Alone? He doesn't like the idea of Rey hearing all of that without the option to, well, _defend_ himself from that woman's cruel accusations.

"I know that you're very angry with Leia, but I'm not sure you understand how close we became. I've told you a bit of what it was like for me, when you were trying to find me … she was with me almost every step of the way. She never judged me, she just listened. And when I needed to know that you were more than what you'd shown me on _Starkiller_ , she would talk to me. I … I suppose it's like everything you found on Jakku. I needed to _know_ you, so I leaned on the one person who could tell me everything."

"Everything? Hardly. I think you know just how little _my mother_ knew me," he sneers.

"I think she knows you better than you're willing to believe. So much that she told me … well I didn't believe it until I started to listen and let you in. You may not like it, but … you can't really stop being who you are. You can't actually kill Ben Organa. You've always been him, you always will be. It doesn't matter what your name is."

The familiar fury _that name_ brings riots through his system. He clenches his teeth and reminds himself not to react as he had the last time she insisted he was Ben Organa. He remembers how he'd lashed out at her and made her cry and shake. Not this time. This time he will keep himself under control. He knows she needs to believe that the heart of Ben Organa still beats in his chest and he tries to tell himself it's but a label. When he's certain he can speak without showing his simmering temper he says, "I'm … glad she was there for you."

"Are you really?" she asks with her head tilted to the side.

He sighs. "At least she kept you _fed_ , which is more than I can say for anyone on _Jakku_. I may have many scores to settle with my mother, but I do see that she was kind to you."

"Thank you, Kylo," she says softly.

"Will you at least talk to me about it after you watch it? If it rekindles your fear …" He hates to think of her feeling even a bit of that feeling. He wants his touch to only bring comfort and love.

"It won't. You've already told me some of what she said and I don't believe you could ever do that. Isn't that what matters?"

"Ultimately, yes. It is your opinion that matters to me."

"Well then."

He searches her lovely eyes and finds them open and honest. "Alright. Watch it at your leisure, if you wish to talk about it in the evening, we will." He looks away, suddenly feeling shy, like a young suitor. He clears his throat nervously, "Do you … uh, do you have plans for dinner tomorrow?"

"No. Why do you ask?" She says with a glint of mischief in her eyes.

"I had hoped we might dine together again. I know we have just spent the last three evenings in each other's company, but … well …" he trails off. He's not sure why he's feeling so awkward.

"I'm not ready for it to be over, either. Yes, I would love to have dinner with you. I don't want to let you go."

"You have no idea how much I wish I could spend all of my time with you." Just being away from her for a few short hours while she flew her ship and he saw to his duties had been interminable. He had thought the craving would grow more manageable once she was his, but the opposite is proving to be true.

Her eyes flit away and she's quiet. He just looks at her, waiting to see what she'll say. Eventually she quietly offers, "You could if we left."

His eyes close briefly in frustration. He wishes that it wasn't so tempting. "Rey …"

"I know …" She looks away again. An uncomfortable silence overtakes them and she fidgets with a bit of his tunic. She's frowning slightly.

"I've tried everything I could think of, I'm making changes in how the First Order does things, I … please. I don't want to struggle with you."

She takes in a long, shuddering breath and nods. But some of the sparkle has left her eyes.

* * *

It's the next night and all evening she's been quiet. They're sitting close together but he's not pulled her into his lap, sensing a strange distance. She'd responded when he'd kissed her hello, and has been as affectionate as ever, but she hasn't said much. He's tried to engage her in conversation, even asking her for advice on managing the assimilation of new worlds to the First Order. She'd only looked at him with sad eyes and kissed him softly.

He's had enough. He's certain it has to do with his mother's intercepted message and he's sick of waiting for her to bring it up.

"Rey, you are obviously upset, and I can only assume it's to do with the message from my mother."

She looks up sharply then purses her lips. "I … I just miss her, I miss all of them. I don't want to leave you, but I don't want to be away from them. Seeing her, hearing her … it just brought it all back. She was so kind to me. If I could just talk with her …" Her shoulders drop then suddenly her face brightens. "Could I? Would you let me talk with her? You must have diplomatic channels!"

"No, Rey, I'm sorry, I can't."

She leaps to her feet and her face fills with a malice he hasn't seen in a long time. "I thought you'd _changed_ , but you'll always control me, won't you! My life will be a beautiful box as large or as small as you like. I'm nothing but your perfumed pet and you will always hold my lea-"

"Stop! No, stop, Rey," he pleads, standing in front of her. Her sharp anger has caught him by surprise, he had thought they had moved past this.

"Don't like hearing the truth? How you took me from my home? How you'll let me pretend I have freedom, giving me a ship you _know_ can't take me far? You don't mean anything you say!"

While she's been yelling he's been pleading with her to listen to him, but she just keeps ranting. Each accusation makes him flinch and the panic is building in his chest.

"I'll never see her again, will I? I'll be here, some accessory to the _Supreme Leader,_ trotted out to make you look huma-"

He takes her by the shoulders and roars, "Stop!"

"I'll never stop!" she yells defiantly.

"Please, just listen to me!" he begs. She'd said she'd forgiven him …

Her glare is fierce but she finally stops her string of vitriol.

"You have _completely_ misunderstood. I can't because the Resistance has _disappeared_. I have no way to find them. I would, I would let you talk with her if I could."

The anger leaves her swiftly, "You, you would?"

"Yes, sweetheart, I would. But I literally _can't_." He's incredibly relieved that she's finally listening, but her words had stung.

She furrows her brow. "Wait, the Resistance has disappeared?"

"Yes, there's been no sign of them for weeks now. It's very perturbing." He strokes his hands along her biceps, trying to recover from her swift anger.

Rey's eyes take on a lost quality and she steps back from him. His hands fall uselessly to his side. "She never said … where would they _go_?"

"I truly have no idea, but it's extremely unnerving … I worry that they're amassing an assault, that they're coming for you."

Her lips turn into a slight, sad smile. "No … they won't. I made her promise."

"What?"

She takes in a deep breath. "I made her promise that if … _when_ … you caught me, she wouldn't come after me. Enough people died while you were … looking for me. I didn't want anyone else to be lost. She promised, if you found me, I was on my own."

He reaches for her and she shrinks from him. "Rey …."

"I'm sorry, I just … I know you've changed. I'm sorry I lost my temper, I didn't really mean those things. I know you wouldn't do that now, but thinking about it, remembering how many people died while you were trying to find me … I need a moment."

He wants to tell her that if she'd just come to him in the beginning, none of those people would be dead. Their blood is on her hands as much as his, but he doesn't think that will help him get close to her again.

She goes to the viewscreen, holding herself around the waist. She looks out on the fleet, the ships drifting by. The Bond is firmly closed and he wonders what she's thinking, seeing ships so like those she scavenged, magnificent in their massive scale.

He's concerned that she became so angry so quickly. There is obviously still hurt from their time apart. She'd looked at him as if she almost hated him and he must admit, it's shaken him.

Her voice is far away when she finally speaks. "I really was ready to offer myself to you to save them. I was prepared to do _anything_. Whatever depraved act you demanded, I was willing, so long as it helped them."

He doesn't know what to say, the thought makes bile rise in his throat.

"I even talked to the doctors about sterilizing me permanently. Implants can be removed," she says darkly.

The air leaves his lungs at that idea. She nearly rendered herself incapable of having a family because the thought of bearing his child was so horrific? Maker, it _hurts_. His chest feels like it's caving in at her distant, cold tone.

"Why are you telling me this?" he asks, wholly incapable of keeping the pain from his voice.

She finally turns from the viewscreen and looks at him with clear eyes.

"Because I always knew you wouldn't do that, but I forced myself to try to hate you. I _wanted_ to hate you. But I never could. I was afraid, but I was also excited. And as much of me was terrified of you, the other part of me just wanted you to hurry up and find me.

"So I told myself you would hurt me, that that was why I was running. By the end I was so tired, I couldn't really remember why I was running in the first place.

"I was willing to trade myself for their safety because I think I always knew you'd never ask that of me. Deep down, I always knew. Your mother does, too."

Kylo grimaces at the reminder of what his mother had thought of him. "She made quite a convincing case in that transmission."

"She was also trying to goad Luke into some kind of action. I don't think she meant half of what she said. I think she was trying to force Luke's hand."

He blinks. He hadn't thought of that. The old Jedi has clearly only grown more stubborn, refusing to train such a powerful Force user like Rey. It does make sense. His mother always was a master at manipulation. Appealing to that part of Luke Skywalker that simply _had_ to save the trapped princess all those years ago is very much something she would do.

"What I'm trying to say, is that even if, objectively, it makes sense for both me and Leia to think you capable of that … neither of us did. Not really. Not where it counts. I wanted to hate you, I really did. But I was only lying to myself."

"And now?" he asks cautiously, drawing nearer.

"Oh, Kylo, you know how I feel about you."

"And yet, right now, I need to hear it." There have been too many cuts in too short a time.

She winds her arms around his neck. "I love you, so very much."

He bends down and kisses her as softly as he can, holding her with all the gentleness she inspires. But there is a lingering pain from her admission.

"Would you have … having my child, was it … _is_ it so abhorrent to you? Would you have truly taken that step?"

She shakes her head. "No … it was only … on Jakku, there was an old woman, I think she used to be an Imperial doctor. She would … help women. Not everyone could fight like I could. For some, the only way to protect themselves from the men of Niima was to have the procedure. We didn't have _implants_ on Jakku. For a scavenger woman, alone, pregnancy was a death sentence. I … considered it. But when I was talking with the Resistance doctors … it felt wrong. It was as if the very Force was fighting me."

"Do you think, someday … I …" He doesn't know how to give voice to this dream so precious he's never allowed himself to think on it much. But it's so easy to imagine her belly swelling with their child.

She holds his eyes and says, "I don't know. I truly don't. But I do know that I couldn't do it and that … that has to _mean_ something."

He's suddenly overwhelmed by everything that's happened to her, both that which came before and that which he himself inflicted. He pulls her close and holds her tightly.

He whispers into her ear, "I am so sorry, Rey."

"I know, I know you are."

* * *

The war council has gone as smoothly as it can. There are the usual petty squabbles about who will lead what, which planets are to be given priority. It's all about power and Kylo has very little patience for it so he lets Hux lead. He only steps in when it's about to get out of hand. What he cares about is that the First Order expands, and that when it does, the people submit and are then well cared for. He doesn't care which general takes which system. He just wants it done and done well. Thus far Hux has shown exceptional awareness of where to best utilize resources so he sees no reason not to let him do what he does best.

It's finally time to explain his plans for the stormtroopers. Into his comm he says, "Kes, would you please join us?"

The tall former stormtrooper enters the room in her black officer's uniform, her dark skin offsetting her green eyes. The generals look back and forth between each other, sharing confused looks.

"Generals, I now wish to provide you with specifications for changes I'm making to the stormtrooper program. Some of these will go into effect immediately, others will roll out gradually. Kes, formerly known as KS-2153, will assist me in passing out datapads with the particulars. She used to be a stormtrooper and has been essential to this endeavor."

Kes begins to distribute the pads and eyebrows shoot up as they take in the contents.

"First, we will be increasing off-duty time from 6 hours to 8 hours, with an eye towards 10 if we can maintain efficiency."

"What!" interrupts General Jehan. "We'll need a third more troopers!"

"I assure you, you will not. Kes has been doing extensive research with the stormtroopers here on the _Finalizer_ and has found that with the incentive of more leisure time, they were able to complete their work in record time. In addition, when we examined the actual duties, we found that much of it was designed to keep the stormtroopers occupied and not truly necessary. With increased leisure time, we will be able to reduce the need for stimulants and morale will improve. Increased morale increases loyalty. I think we all know that in the wake of FN-2187's defection, loyalty has been shakier than ever. Now, I will not justify this further. We are doing this across the fleet effective immediately." He looks at each general in turn behind his fierce helmet.

Hux stays quiet, reviewing the datapad thoroughly, his face betraying nothing.

"We will also be ceasing reconditioning."

A chorus of gasps and "What?" washes through the large hall.

"Yes, it is my belief that the terror of reconditioning is counterproductive. We will replace it with increased duties, reduction of chits for the commissary, and physical activity. Reconditioning will only be used for the most extreme infractions, such as trooper-on-trooper violence."

There are many shared looks and he can feel the opposition radiating from his generals, but they keep quiet.

"Now, let's review my plans for the next year," he intones.

* * *

Rey is in the 'fresher showering when he hears her call for him.

"Yes, darling?" Kylo responds.

"I forgot my robe, would you bring it to me?"

"Of course," he says, moving to her armoire. He opens it and is reaching for her robe when he sees a strange little packet poking out from under a stack of neatly folded clothing. Curious, he pulls it out and opens it before considering his actions. At first he's confused. It appears to be bread. Why would she have bread hidden away?

He sees another package tucked behind the first. Dread uncurls in his belly as he pulls back the cloth of the other package and finds fruit. A disturbing thought is forming but he pushes it away.

Methodically, he looks through her drawers and finds two more packages. Then he goes to her sitting room and checks under the settee and finds another, then another in her wine cabinet.

It's inescapable now.

Rey is hiding food.

Does she think he will _starve_ her? All she needs to do is order whatever she likes. Doesn't she know that? Her words from the night he'd first kissed her come back to him. _I will always be empty, I'll never be full._ Oh, Maker … will he ever find the end of her suffering?

He gathers the packages together and returns to her bedroom. He places them on the edge of her bed and sits, waiting.

She comes out of the 'fresher with a towel wrapped around her. "Why didn't you bring me my-" Then she stops as she takes in the little packages neatly aligned next to him.

"You had no right to snoop," she says tightly.

"I found one when I was getting your robe, then another. And another. Rey, what does this mean?" he asks cautiously.

She angrily stalks to where he'd lain her robe on a back of a chair and thrusts it on, her movements jerky and awkward. She stands with her back to him.

"Rey, why are you hiding food?"

"Because," she says shortly.

"Did you think I would deny you _food_?" His tone is incredulous and hurt.

Slowly she turns back to him, her expression pinched. "I … no, not really."

"Not really?" His voice rises.

"I just … I can't help it. So many years, I could never count on my next meal." Her eyes take on a hollow, haunted look.

"But here, you have only to order whatever you want, did you think I would take that away?"

"This isn't about you!" she bites out.

"Then what is it about?"

"I've told you. I was always hungry, always desperate. Having there be food whenever I want it, I can't get used to it. I can't … I can't count on it."

He stands and goes to her, slowly reaching for her. She doesn't step back so he places his hands on her shoulders. "Rey, you will never go hungry again. Even if times were desperate, I will always see you fed, always. If we were stranded on a planet I promise you, I would find a way. You don't need to do this."

"I don't know how to stop," she says plaintively. "It started with the Resistance. No one knew. I didn't want _you_ to know. I just … I don't feel safe if I don't have some food saved away. I wake up panicked, my stomach aching with phantom pain. If I have food nearby … it helps."

His fingertips ghost over her face. "Oh, my love … I hate how you've suffered. You have no idea how much I wish I could take it from you."

"Well, you can't," she says mulishly.

"I know. But I do want to help you. You don't need to hide food away. Perhaps if I had a small kitchen installed, where you could keep food?"

Her lips twist and she shakes her head. "No … it has to be hidden. That way it can't be taken," she says with forboding.

"Darling …"

"I know. Just … it helps. Please know I don't think you'll starve me, I never thought that, not even for a minute. Perhaps, in time, I won't need to do this. But, right now … I don't know what else to do."

He gathers her in his arms and caresses her forehead. "Alright, Rey."

He holds her close, his heart breaking for his lost scavenger girl.

* * *

They're lying entwined, her head on his chest, sated after a particularly intense encounter. Somehow the vulnerability she'd exhibited, the reminder of her difficult life had made him desperate to show her how precious she is to him and he'd taken great care, lavishing her with attention.

"Kylo?"

"Hmm," he says lazily.

"Why won't you make love to me from behind? We've tried everything else, but each time I try, you change positions."

He breathes in sharply. "I prefer to see your face."

"I know, but I can easily look over my shoulder. I don't like that … I don't like that that's how it was with the others but you won't give it to me."

"Is that what you think?" he asks as he strokes her hair.

"Well … yes."

"No … you're right, it does have to do with that, but not in the way that you're thinking. Now that I know what it truly means to be with someone, with _you_ , how it feels like my heart is merging with yours … I'm … I'm ashamed of my prior behavior. It feels as if, somehow, I've dishonored you. I don't like to think about it. I don't want to be reminded of it. I don't want you anywhere near it. So …"

He feels her nod against him. "So you don't want to take me the way you took them."

"Yes."

"But … what if I _want_ you to? Every position we've tried has felt so good, I want to know what that feels like too. And it's not like I'm ever going to be with anyone but you."

It's a sublime feeling, having her be so sure that he will be her only lover. His arms tighten around her and he presses his lips to her temple. "You will truly be mine forever?"

"I could never be anyone else's, Kylo. Beyond what I feel for you, the Bond would make that pretty awkward. Not to mention you'd kill anyone who touched me like that."

He can't fault her logic. "You're right, I probably would."

"I can't believe I'm joking about your tendency to murder people."

"Rey … I don't … I am not reckless in the lives I have taken."

"I don't want to talk about it. Forget I said anything."

She turns over, putting her back to him and he's confused. "Rey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, just go to sleep."

"Please?"

"I'm tired."

"Just tell me what's wrong. You know that I've … killed, just as you know I have not since you were threatened."

"I just don't like to think about it. On top of talking about _them_ , anything to do with the past is hard."

He pulls her back to his chest and she lets him. He wraps her in his arms and winds a leg over hers. Soon she's entirely protected in the shelter of his body, just the way he likes.

"Then let's look to the future.

Today I instituted the changes we discussed to the stormtrooper program and I changed the regulations around handling dissenters. They are now banished, not executed. Things are changing, I'm listening to you."

She strokes his arm and says, "I know, I know you are. Thank you. It really does mean a lot to me that you've been taking what I say into consideration, that you've really gone through with Kes's suggestions. You're right. We need to look to the future, like you said."

He pulls her closer and nuzzles against her ear. "Good. Be here with me now and let's look forward, not behind."

"Speaking of behind …" she says as she provocatively wiggles her bottom against him.

"Yes, alright. I will no longer deny you. Everything with you is different, I'm sure that will be too."

"Good." She turns her head and kisses him sweetly before yawning. "I really am tired."

"Then we will sleep, my love."

Just as he's drifting off he hears a soft, "I love you."

"And I love you, perfect Rey."

* * *

A/N: Thank you so much to my marvelous beta and friend, CharlotteCAgain. She pointed out just the right change for this chapter and I'm so grateful for her help.

Thank you readers! I've been thinking a lot about the circle of creativity that is fanfic. I truly couldn't write without you. You are all essential to this process and every read, follow, favorite, and review keeps me going. Thank you all very much.


	44. Chapter 44

Kylo wakes screaming Rey's name.

"What, what is it?" Her eyes are panicked.

He wraps himself around her and holds her as tightly as he can. It's a long time before he can say anything, his nightmare too horrible to speak.

Finally, in a quavering voice, he says, "You were being beaten, a group of scavengers, I was frozen. I couldn't stop them. They were ..." Oh Maker, they were about to violate her and there was nothing he could _do_. The images flash through his brain, horrific and visceral. He can't stop trembling.

"They were what?" she asks fearfully.

He shakes his head then burrows his face into her shoulder.

"Oh," she whispers.

He gasps out a shuddering breath. "I couldn't get to you. I was screaming at them, threatening them, but I couldn't _move_. Force, Rey ... if anything ever happened to you ..." The very thought fills him with icy dread and his fingers clutch at her.

"Shhhh, I'm right here. I've always protected myself, nothing is going to happen to me. I know I'm safer than I've ever been. Now more than ever. I know that if I couldn't handle whatever danger there was, you would."

He pulls back to see her face as best he can in the darkness. "Do you know that? Do you? Do you know that I will always protect you?" If he'd truly been there, one wave of his hand and her attackers would all have been dead. Though, that is _not_ how he would have handled it. He would have made sure they all died _slowly_.

"Yes, I know."

He nods and keeps her firmly in his arms.

"Is this because of what I told you earlier? About ... what some women had to do to protect themselves?"

"Probably." The ugly feeling that she'd considered taking such a step because of him twists and turns low in his chest. "I ... it hurt to hear that you thought about ..." He can't finish the sentence.

"I shouldn't have told you," she says in a low voice.

"No ... I don't want you to hide things from me."

"I ... I shouldn't have said a lot of what I said earlier. I don't even know why I did. I just ... I got so angry. I couldn't control it."

"It did confuse me ... hurt me. I thought, I thought you'd forgiven me, that ... that you were happy being here with me."

"I did, I am… When I think about it, I've made my peace with your choices, but sometimes I _remember_. I _am_ happy being with you, but not with the First Order. It's true you're making changes, but I still don't agree with you on so many things. I may have something like freedom, but not really," she says sadly.

"Neither of us do, now."

She pulls back and looks into his eyes in the starlight. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that I am just as tethered. I wouldn't have handled things as I have if you weren't here. _Everything_ I do now is with you in mind. So I'm not truly free either. Nor would I want to be."

"But …" She looks away for a moment. "I guess I see what you're saying. I don't mean I want to leave you. I just ... I understand now why you did what you did when you … searched for me. Learning about the Bond proves that we should be together. I do believe that." She strokes his face lightly. "I wish I'd known before ... But I didn't and I'm left with all these feelings and memories ..." She leans her forehead against his. "It's so _hard_."

"I want to help, but I don't know _how_. I know I … I know I scared you … searching like I did. I now understand that you lived with the threat of what men could do ... and, well obviously it _haunts_ me. I don't know what to do with the fact that you tried to think of me like one of _them_... _Tried_ Rey. You ... you wanted to _hate_ me." He shifts so that he can see her eyes. "I was lost in loving you and you were trying to despise me."

"I'm sorry," she says in a small voice.

There's something about it being late at night, their faces partially hidden in shadow that allows him to speak of vulnerable things. "You often say things that cut, deeply. I take it because I know I deserve it, but it _does_ hurt."

"I'm sorry," she repeats. "Let me reassure you. I really didn't mean any of what I said, not really."

He pauses, wondering if he should trust her with this. But she seems genuinely open to hearing him. "I think knowing that you found the prospect of a child with me so ... frightening will stay with me for a long time."

"I don't now," she says quietly.

"But earlier you said you didn't know."

"I don't know about being a mother. But that's not to do with you. If ... I wouldn't want any child _but_ yours. This, our feelings, our connection ... you were always right. It means something. Maybe that's what it means. Maybe that's the true purpose of the Bond. Maybe that's why we're balanced. I just ... the thought of having a baby _scares_ me. Not the thought of having _your_ baby."

"But you … you thought about making that impossible because you were so afraid."

"I did, and I didn't. Besides, who I was afraid of, he never existed. You were never the man I tried to make you out to be."

"Why Rey, why did you do that?"

She's quiet for a long time before she finally whispers, "Han."

He closes his eyes and focuses on breathing evenly, staying calm, keeping the red light of that nightmare bridge firmly in the past. "I don't understand."

"Because you killed him!" she bursts out, then he makes out her eyes going wide. "I'm sorry. I know … I know talking about that hurts you, but it's the truth. Until I sensed how you truly feel about what happened that day, caring about you the way that I did, it hurt. Wanting you, it shamed me." She looks down and even in the faint light he can see the conflict.

He swallows through the tightness in his throat.

She shudders then looks up, the dim starlight reflected in her eyes. "You had taken what I always wanted. I didn't understand, not like I do now. So I couldn't … I couldn't come to you, not with that between us, not when I didn't know what the Bond really means. I would go from believing you could come back to thinking you were a monster, sometimes in the space of seconds. Can you even imagine what that's like? I felt like I was going mad …" she says in a low voice.

"I think I _was_ mad, without you. I could barely function. I know … I know I wasn't thinking clearly, but it was only because I needed you … need you so much."

"I know … I felt it too. I needed you too."

He pulls her back into him, his hand cradling the back of her head as she holds him back just as tightly. "Oh, Rey …"

"I know, I know," she says, her hands kneading against his back.

"We'll find our way through all of this. We'll keep talking."

"Please … please tell me when I hurt you. I think you just swallow it down. I don't want that," she says into his neck.

"I … I am not used to talking about things like that."

"I'm not used to talking at all. Please?"

"... Alright, Rey."

* * *

"What is _that_?" Kylo exclaims as he takes in the great furry beast lounging in her sitting room.

"Obviously, it's a cat."

"Yes, but what is it _doing_ here?" The cat in question is the largest he's ever seen, gray with long, scruffy fur. Its face looks as if it had run head first into a wall and he thinks it's obscenely ugly.

"This is Preslan; Kes and Vitok gave him to me as a birthday present," she says, sounding mildly offended.

"So you intend to keep it?"

Rey collects the ridiculous animal in her arms and glares at him. "Him, and yes, I intend to keep _him_. Unless my _Supreme Leader_ takes issue with that." He couldn't possibly miss the scorn in her tone.

Kylo pinches the bridge of his nose and says, "No, of course not. If you wish to have the thing, I won't _take issue_ with it."

"Oh. Well good." He watches as her indignant anger leaves her.

"You named him Preslan?" he asks, coming up to Rey and her new .. pet.

She smiles brightly, all conflict forgotten. "Yes, I thought … if that's where I'm from … well, it seemed fitting."

"I think it's a perfect name." He reaches out and cautiously pets the animal. It hisses at him, but doesn't scratch. He senses that this beast is just as territorial as he is. Which is fine, as he's the one with a Force Bond with its mistress. He'd like to see the mongrel beat _that_.

"Isn't he magnificent?" she asks with obvious affection.

"Hmm. I was not aware you liked cats."

"Oh yes, ever since Vitok brought Millicent to visit I've wanted one. I'd never seen one in person before."

Millicent? Right, Hux's cat. He could have sworn it was named Molly … no matter.

"Why didn't you say anything, I would have happily procured one for you." Doesn't she know by now that all she needs to do is ask and he will do all in his power to make it so?

She shrugs. "I don't know. I guess I didn't really think of it. Anyway, Vitok would bring MIllie by regularly. But don't tell Armitage, he doesn't know."

Oh that name again. He manages not to shudder. Oh Maker, does Vitok call him Armie? "Well, I'm … pleased that _he_ makes you happy. He's quite … big."

"Is he? I didn't know. I thought it was just that he's a boy."

"No … he's unusually large."

"Like you?" Her eyes glint with suggestion.

He feels the tips of his ears heat and he clears his throat. "Well, anyway. Put the creature down, let's order dinner."

"Yes, Kylo," she says with a knowing smirk.

* * *

Over dinner he asks, "And how did Vitok and Kes celebrate your birthday?"

"Well, they're hoping to take me to some planet with something called hot springs, but Vitok said it would take time to arrange. She said she needed to talk to you about it, actually."

He stiffens. He doesn't like the idea of Rey traveling off the ship without him, but he knows he needs to trust her. Why would Vitok do this to him? She knows how he feels about keeping Rey near.

"I see."

"Do you mind?"

Yes, very much, but he knows he shouldn't. "I'm sure you'll have a marvelous time."

"Kes is particularly excited. She's still only been to Eshara without her helmet."

"Then by all means, you should go." Dammit Vitok.

"Thank you," she says softly. Her quiet expression pulls all the worry from him and he sees that he can't keep trying to control her. No … it's himself he must control.

* * *

"Oh Maker, harder, please, harder," she begs as he thrusts into her from behind, holding her hips firmly. Just as she'd said, she keeps her face turned towards him, holding his eyes.

He gentles his movements, suddenly caught in a flash of memory, how he'd simply rutted like a mindless thing. He's trying so hard to keep from kaleidoscoping through remembering, her bright hazel eyes calling to him. But he can't and he pulls from her and swiftly flips her on her back.

"Kylo!" she calls out.

"I'm sorry, I need … I need …"

"Alright, I know, I know."

He enters her again, holding her close, needing as much of her touching him as possible. He leans his forehead to hers and stills, simply feeling her. "I'm sorry," he repeats.

"No, don't. It's okay. I love you. I need you. It doesn't matter."

He nods slightly and begins to move within her again, chasing away his shame. She reaches up and holds his face, her eyes burning into his.

"I'm right here," she promises.

"Yes, _yes_. I know you are ... Oh Rey …" he murmurs, her delicate face pushing it all away. Years of emptiness are beaten back with her love.

Their hips move in tandem, pulling back and meeting again in an endless, perfect dance.

"I love you, Force, I love you," he cries as he pushes into her.

"I know, I know, always,"

"Forever, you, only you," he gasps as he feels their twin release building.

Her eyes are glazed with pleasure and he keeps a steady rhythm, knowing that's what she needs. As he pulls back he angles himself to catch that delicious spot, reveling in how she whimpers with each stroke.

Then he feels it, that amazing flutter, as her walls start to pulse around him and he knows she's close. He doesn't care about his own fulfillment. He just wants to give this to her. Nothing matters but bringing Rey to that blissful end.

His brow is furrowed hard in concentration as he thrusts into her as deeply as he can and she arches against him. "Kylo, stars, you feel so good, I can't think, I can't … I just, Kylo!" she shouts out as he feels her spasm against him. She's sobbing out his name and her eyes are wide, holding his. With one last roll of her hips, he senses she's ridden out her ecstasy.

Kylo slows and kisses her deeply, stilling within her. He pulls back and takes in her flushed, gorgeous face. Her eyes are confused. "Why did you stop?"

"I just … I needed your pleasure, I want to bask in it," he says as he nips at her lips.

"Please, I need yours, too. Please, don't stop."

He studies her eyes, then begins to move again.

* * *

They're on their sides facing each other and he's holding her as closely as he can. He's still shaken by how he couldn't keep the past away from the sanctity of their joining. He's curled around her with her face pressed against his neck.

"Kylo?" she whispers.

He shakes his head firmly. He doesn't want to talk about it. He feels her probing through the Bond and he gently shuts her out.

"Please …"

He just shakes his head again.

"Let me understand what happened. You're … you're in pain. If you won't let me in, at least talk to me."

Kylo can't find his voice or the words. He doesn't quite understand the torrent of feelings holding him captive.

"Please …"

Finally he relents. "It's … I hated it. I didn't know how much until I met you."

"Hated what?"

He closes his eyes tightly, not wanting to bring _them_ here.

"Kylo?"

"Before … with the others," he manages. "It left me feeling empty and wrong, but I was always able to channel those feelings into the Force. So I thought it was … necessary. But now, understanding how it's supposed to be … I feel … dirty."

"Oh, no … no."

"Yes, what's more … knowing that we were on a collision course, I feel that I should have sensed, should have waited … for you. I feel that I've taken something from you, from us. And … being with you like that, the memories came and I couldn't handle it."

"You were … thinking of someone else?" she asks with her voice full of insecurity.

Why can he never speak to her without hurting her? "No! No, stars, no. It wasn't like that at all. You know how sometimes, the past …"

"The way you … spiral?"

"Yes, it was like that. The shame …"

"Kylo, you didn't know I existed. You have nothing to be ashamed of, truly. You said as soon as we were Bonded you stopped. You didn't do anything wrong."

"But, I did. To myself. I knew when I was … Jedi that I didn't want the emptiness that some of my fellow Jedi experienced. No attachments is not the same as no sexual activity. That always seemed hollow, wrong. And yet, once I was with Snoke I made it as hollow, _wrong_ , and meaningless as I possibly could. And now … the memories, they … hurt. I've always needed you. Needed this," he says, tightening his arms around her to underscore his point.

"I think … I think in a way you _were_ waiting."

He snorts in disbelief, unwanted memories of faceless women giving lie to her statement.

"No, listen. I didn't understand before, but the way you kept yourself covered … always from behind. You saved almost everything for me, if you think about it. Kissing, even."

He blinks at her. She huffs and continues. "I'm the only one who's felt your skin, I'm the only woman you've held. The only one you've _shared_ yourself with."

He supposes that's true. He'd thought of little else for almost a year, his desperate need to share all of himself with her, from his thoughts to his body.

"I know I was upset at first, felt like I'd lost something. But I don't feel that anymore. I have you, _all_ of you. They never had even the smallest part of you. So don't let the past have something that should be ours."

Her words finally reach him. She's right, she deserves everything he can give her. "You do, you have all of me. And you will have everything I can give you."

"That we can give each other."

"Yes … It may take me some time."

"I don't mind. When you're ready. I won't press anymore."

Her patience and kindness overwhelm him. "I love you so much, Rey."

* * *

"Oh!" she exclaims as she leaps from bed. "We overslept! I'm going to be late for training!"

Blearily he halfway takes in what she's saying. He looks at the time and she's right. How did that happen? He never oversleeps.

Rey is hurriedly throwing on her training clothes. "You know … if you wanted … you could … if you had time, you could come watch," she says cautiously as she readies herself.

This wakes him fully and he sits up. "You've not wanted me to be part of your training," he says slowly.

Rey shrugs slightly as she puts on her boots. "You don't have to, I just thought …"

"Rey, I want to, have no doubt about that." He's extremely eager to see how she's progressing. Any little part of her training she'll share, he'll hungrily accept each piece. He's still hopeful that she will allow him to at least participate in her training in some capacity. It's been a week since Sheytaya and though there have been a few tense conversations, he's the happiest he's ever been in his life. This would complete his nearly perfect life with Rey.

She smiles shyly. "Good. I'm glad. Give me an hour to warm up with Vitok?"

"I should at least be seen on the bridge anyway."

"Great, then I'll see you soon!" she calls out before she rushes back to kiss him quickly. As she leaves him blinking in the bedroom, Preslan saunters in.

Very purposefully, the furry monstrosity leaps up onto the bed and settles on Rey's pillow, keeping Kylo in his yellow-eyed gaze.

"Don't get any ideas, beast. You will _not_ be sleeping with us."

Preslan slowly closes his eyes.

* * *

She's stunning. There isn't another word for it. He's never seen anyone wield the Force with such grace. She truly is his balance. Where he uses his power bluntly, harshly, she works with a deftness he didn't know was possible. It's almost like watching a dance as she deflects the training spheres Vitok is hurling at her.

He stays at the edge of the knights' training room. It's much larger than Rey's, so he can't fault their decision to work here. He leans against the wall with his arms crossed and is mesmerized by his love.

Time slips by and the women begin to spar. She is nothing short of elegant as she clashes training sabers with Vitok. They've only been training for a few weeks, but she shows a command of the forms as if she'd been training since Takodana.

Preferring a blaster, Vitok has never been particularly talented in lightsaber combat and Rey manages to disarm her teacher, grinning as the training saber flies into the wall. Vitok nods and walks up to Rey. "Now, Rey, what did you do wrong?"

"Wrong?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry … I don't know." Kylo doesn't know either. Her execution was flawless.

"Pride, Rey. In a true battle, you cannot lose your focus to take pride in dispatching your enemy, as another one is right behind. Stay focused on the fight. Now, that being said, you did well."

"Thank you, Vitok. I will remember," Rey says humbly. She gathers together the equipment and puts it away swiftly.

Rey comes up to him and pushes a tendril of her hair behind her ear, looking around skittishly. Finally she asks, "So?"

He considers toying with her, but he's bursting with pride. "You are exceptional, I have never seen such an instinctual grasp of the Force."

She smiles widely and her eyes glow with happiness. He notes that Vitok has left and pulls Rey to him.

"Wait! I'm all sweaty!"

"Don't care," he says as he kisses her deeply.

* * *

"Supreme Leader, there is an incoming communication from Jashad Ren."

"Excellent, send it through." It's been a month now, with no sign of Lann Tren.

Jashad's slight frame comes into view in a wavering blue holo.

"Supreme Leader."

"Jashad Ren. What news do you have for me?"

"We finally have her, sir."

"In custody?"

"In custody. She's in bad shape though. We've only had her for a few hours and the withdrawals have already started."

"Procure her what she needs. The ship doctors will treat her when you arrive."

"We'll leave as soon as possible."

"Wait … " He realizes he really should ask Rey if this is what she wants. "Are you somewhere secure?"

"Yes, sir."

"I will inform you in the morning if you should bring her. In the meantime, make sure she's comfortable and find out what you can about Rey."

"We'll do our best, sir."

"Thank you, Jashad Ren."

* * *

He stands in her doorway and can't speak for a moment. She's in that red dress she'd been wearing when Kes had nearly been sent to reconditioning. It dips low and the deep color contrasts gorgeously with her creamy skin and dark hair. The skirt is full and falls to the floor and it makes him imagine sliding it up her thighs.

"Rey, you look …" he trails off, not able to find the words to express what this dress does to him.

"Do you not like it?" she asks as she smooths her hands along the silk nervously.

"Oh no, I like it _very_ much. I have been meaning to ask you to wear it again."

Her lips pull into a bright, crooked smile. "Oh, okay."

Kylo clears his throat and goes to his table, removing his gloves. He's not been wearing his helmet and the officers and stormtroopers are finally learning to hide their shock. He turns to her and she's already moving into his arms as he kisses her hello. He sighs into her lips. Since Sheytaya he's dined with her every evening and it seems to be the new established pattern.

"Come, there's something I need to speak with you about," he says, taking her hand and leading her to her settee.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes, yes, perfectly."

They take their customary seats and he takes a moment to enjoy how beautiful she is. He draws his fingers along her cheek then says, "Jashad and Palek Ren have found your mother."

Her shoulders fall and she blinks but says nothing.

"Rey …"

"I … I …"

"Sweetheart," he murmurs as he pulls her into his arms. She clings to him but stays silent. He just holds her for a long time.

"Is she … is she back on the spice?"

"Yes, but I instructed Jashad to purchase what she needs to stay … comfortable. I thought we would address her condition once she's here."

"Here?"

"If that's what you want, yes. I thought you'd like to meet her, find out her side of things."

She holds him tighter but doesn't say anything. Eventually she says, "Do I have to decide now?"

"No, she's safe and they're in a secure place. You have time." He'll simply speak with his knights and have them stay as they are until Rey is ready to make her decision.

"Thank you," she whispers.

"Oh, Rey … I wish this weren't so difficult, that your mother hadn't done this to you."

"I know you do. But … that you're doing this, even though it's hard … I'm grateful. And … I don't think I could face this without you. Knowing that I have you … it makes it bearable."

"I will always be here."

"I know."

* * *

At first he thinks it's Rey's hair in his face, but as he wakes he's appalled to find that the fluffy monstrosity has settled himself between their heads and is flicking his tail right under his nose. This will _not_ stand. He shifts and Force pulls _Preslan_ from the bed, a horrible yowl accompanying his travels and Rey wakes up instantly.

"What are you doing!" she accuses.

" _It_ was sleeping between us," he says as he deposits the offending beast none too gently on the floor.

"He likes to cuddle! And don't use the Force on my cat!"

"I will not sleep with that … creature."

"You have quarters of your own, you don't _have_ to sleep with him," she hisses.

Oh we'll just see about that!

"He's been sleeping at our feet the whole week. Didn't you notice?" she asks.

No. He hadn't. Clearly _Preslan_ is smart enough to remove himself before Kylo wakes. Cheeky little bugger.

"Fine. But not between us."

She glowers at him for a moment before she nods. "Alright, that's reasonable."

She gets up from bed and gathers up the mound of fur and settles him at the foot of the bed. "There, there, sweetie. He won't do it again, will he?" She looks at him pointedly.

"No," Kylo grumbles. He really hates this cat.

Rey gets back under the covers and pulls his arms around her. "You're the only man in my life, you don't need to be threatened by a cat."

"Hmmm."

* * *

He's on the bridge, looking out at the stars, contemplating how things have changed. Rey has been with him for almost two months and apart from her being a bit subdued as she thinks over what to do about her mother, she seems truly happy to be with him. The cat continues to vex him, but he can't deny the little pest pleases Rey.

Force, he loves her so much. He didn't know he had these feelings inside him. She's become everything to him and he wonders if she understands even a fraction of the power she holds over him. It doesn't really matter, Rey would never abuse his desperate need for her.

He smiles slightly to himself as he notes that he met her a year ago next week. He's decided not to take her off the ship, as it's a day full of complexity and he doesn't want to make too much of a fuss. Too much happened. He had met her but then the next day he'd … anyway, he'll just make sure they have a special meal and something to mark the occasion.

Turning, he's about to return to his office when the Bond is overwhelmed with Rey screaming "Kylo!"

Immediately panicked, he calls out "Rey!" through their connection, but it's gone completely silent. It's different than when she blocks him. He pushes and probes but … nothing. Her energy is wrong somehow and he knows something terrible has happened to his love.

"Hux!" he bellows.

"Yes, sir?" Hux responds.

"Where is she?" he nearly screams.

"She, sir?"

"Now is not the time for your little games. I know you have her under surveillance. Where _is_ she?!" The terror is growing. He must get to her. Now.

"Don't you have your own ways of locating her?" Hux asks mildly.

He's had enough and reaches out with the Force and briefly chokes Hux, hard. The ginger menace doubles over, grasping at his throat.

"Now, _General_ Hux, you will tell me where Rey is."

Hux stands and eyes Kylo warily before gasping out, "Right away, sir."

" _Thank you_ ," Kylo snarls just as his comm comes alive.

"Kylo, you have to come to med bay right now, something's happened to Rey," Vitok's frightened voice comes through the device.

He's already moving before Vitok has even finished speaking.

* * *

A/N: I was able to update today after all, even if a bit late.

Thank you CharlotteCAgain for the super speedy beta, we have her to thank for hitting the regular Monday posting. Thank you so much, my friend!

Thank you brilliant, beautiful readers! Space cupcakes for everyone! Your reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing means the galaxy to me.


	45. Chapter 45

Kylo races down the corridors, sweeping aside anyone in his way with the Force. His comm chirps repeatedly but he ignores it. He keeps trying to reach Rey through their Bond, but it's just the disturbing blankness. He can sense her, but it's nothing like what he's used to and it only ratchets up his terror. Oh Maker, what's happened to her?

He knows she's not dead, he focuses on that, forcing himself to move through the agonizing fear. He cannot give in to the storm of feelings, tearing at him, making him shake. He must get to her, get to Rey. She'd sounded so afraid when she'd called out to him …

He's just tearing into the med bay when he sees _Wylan Ren_ place Rey's unconscious form on a bed, surrounded by at least a dozen medical personnel. Pure, pulsing rage rushes through his blood at the sight of his beloved in Wylan Ren's _arms_.

"Get away from her," Kylo snarls, violently Force pushing Wylan across the room. The knight bounces off the wall and lands in a heap of limbs. Kylo hopes he's broken something. Several somethings.

"Kylo, no!" Vitok yells as Kylo is stalking to Wylan intending to end him for good this time. He'd told him to never speak to her, never be in the same room with her. He's balling his fists, preparing to beat Wylan until he has no features left.

"He helped Rey!" Vitok calls desperately.

Rey. Rey is in trouble. That's all that matters right now. Wylan is forgotten as he swiftly goes to her side, shoving a doctor out of his way.

"Rey? Rey?" Kylo begs. She doesn't respond, her face pale. "Sweetheart, please talk to me."

He feels a hand on his arm and shakes it off. "Kylo, stop, let the doctors work," Vitok entreats.

"No! I won't leave her." She looks so small ...

"Just come a few feet away, give them space, let me tell you what happened."

Yes. He needs to know. He needs to know who would do this to her. He lets Vitok pull him away.

"Speak," he orders.

"We were training when she grasped her head and screamed. Then she collapsed. Wylan heard her from the Knights' lounge and came running. I asked him to carry her, because time was of the essence and he's bigger than me. Then I commed you. That's all that happened with Wylan, He only helped because I asked him to."

Kylo looks around and finds that Wylan has already left medical. Good. He'd likely kill him just because he could.

While Vitok has been talking he hasn't taken his eyes from Rey, or as much of her as he can see through the wall of doctors and med droids. They're rushing and there is a palpable fear in the air he can sense even without the use of the Force. He's about to demand to know what's happening when he again feels Vitok's hand on his arm.

"No, you have to let them work. If you intimidate them they might miss something. Let them do their jobs, please."

He hates this, Maker he _hates_ this. His Rey is in trouble and there's nothing he can _do_! He'd promised to protect her, but he can't fight _this_. Has she been poisoned? Is this an assassination attempt? He wants to start ripping through minds to find out if this had been an effort to kill her, but he doesn't even know where to start and he won't leave her.

Kylo begins to prowl around Rey's bed, back and forth like a Correlian sand panther. As long as he continues moving he can keep from going mad. He keeps pressing against the Bond frantically but nothing changes. This can't be happening. Just this morning he'd made such sweet love to her and her eyes had been full of nothing but trust and affection. In the warm glow afterwards, she'd whispered she loves him against his lips and he'd kissed her long and slow. He can still almost taste her.

No, no, _no_!

Vitok falls into step next to him. "She's going to be alright. We have the best medical team in the galaxy. They'll figure it out and everything will be fine."

"But I can barely feel her through the Bond!" he hisses, stopping his wild pacing to look at Vitok.

Vitok's brows draw together and her lips purse before she clears her expression. "I'm sure it's only a matter of time. Now, you're making everyone jumpy, let's wait in one of the offices."

"No, I'm not leaving her," he says forcefully. There is no power in the systems that could move him from this room.

Vitok sighs. "Kylo, you're only making their jobs harder."

"I. Don't. Care," he bites out.

"Alright, alright. But at least stop looming like this. Give them a bit more room?"

He's not sure if it's the Bond or just his need, but moving further from her _hurts_. However, he allows Vitok to maneuver him to the wall and he begins his vigil.

A med droid draws the curtain and it takes all he has to keep from sinking to his knees.

* * *

"Where is she?" Kes cries as she rushes into the med bay.

Kylo is leaning against the wall and doesn't even turn, allowing Vitok to handle things. He hears the women talking, phrases like "We don't know," and "We have to be patient" passing between them. He just goes back to looking at the floor and waiting.

* * *

Hours have passed and he's sitting in a chair, his elbows on his knees and his face in his gloved hands. He'd tried to meditate, but it was useless. He's in a place of utter fear and total devotion and it's frozen him completely. Kes is sitting next to him and Vitok has stayed, but he's not sure where she is in the medbay right now. After he'd Force choked a doctor she'd convinced him to let her be the one to ask for updates. They've offered nothing but requests for more time. He's dangerously close to losing all ability to form rational thought.

"Sir," a med droid gets his attention and his head snaps up.

"What, what is it?" Please, she has to be alright.

"Your spouse is resting comfortably, you may see her."

"She's not … wait, is she alright?" His heart jumps with hopeful joy as he reaches out through the Bond. But there's no change and he's raising his hand, about to destroy the med droid when he senses Vitok.

"Kylo …" she chides gently.

"Fine," he snarls.

The med droid leads the three of them to where Rey has been moved. It's a private room, exactly like the room set aside for him. He finds a nervous doctor waiting next to a disturbingly still Rey. He ignores the man and goes swiftly to her side. She's hooked up to several machines and she … does not look good.

He leans down and kisses her forehead, keeping his lips against her skin. The familiar energy flows between them and he closes his eyes, allowing himself to bask in the normalcy of the contact. She's still here, she's his, the Bond is moving between them as it always does when they touch. But … her consciousness, that part that is _Rey_ … he can't feel her.

He turns to the doctor as he takes her hand. "What's wrong with her?" he demands.

"Supreme Leader. Sir," the trembling man says.

" _What is wrong with her_?" he repeats, enunciating each word in a clipped tone.

"It's her brain, sir. We … when we weren't allowed much time with her after she depleted herself on Eshara …. we missed something. Sir."

" _What_?" he asks icily.

"An aneurysm. In her brain. She's in a coma. Sir." The doctor backs away.

Kylo raises his hand to extract retribution. They _missed_ something?

"No, Kylo, stop!" Vitok calls out.

"Why?" he asks through clenched teeth.

"It's not his fault!"

"They missed this! Rey is lying here in a coma because they _missed_ something. Explain to me why he doesn't deserve to die?"

"Because _you're_ the one that wouldn't let them keep her!" Vitok says bluntly.

That stops him. But only briefly. His hand still raised he asks in a falsely pleasant tone, "Tell me, Doctor … do you have a spouse?"

"Y-yes, sir. My w-wife."

"Good, good." He draws very close to the shaking doctor and pitches his voice low. "If she dies, your wife dies. Do we understand one another?"

The man goes pale and he blinks quickly. He swallows before looking down and whispering, "Yes, sir."

"Excellent. What is her prognosis?"

"She … we don't know, sir. At present she might wake up within the next few days. If she doesn't …. her prognosis is not as … hopeful," the cowering doctor says with a quavering voice.

"The next few days, you say?" She'll wake up. She has to. The Force wouldn't bring them together like this and let her just _die_. She'll wake up.

"Yes, sir."

"And if she _doesn't_ wake up?"

"She'll begin to deteriorate, the longer she's unconscious, the more likely it becomes that she suffered permanent brain damage."

"No. The Force will protect her."

"I'm afraid we have limited experience with brain injuries and the impact of being Force sensitive."

"She's extraordinarily powerful, she will recover," he says stubbornly.

"Yes, sir." Kylo senses how the doctor is attempting to hide his skepticism, but he's failing and Kylo's fingers twitch to pull the life from him. His Rey is fighting for her life and it makes him irrationally angry that this useless, _pointless_ man is upright and functioning.

"Is there anything else I need to know?" Kylo growls.

"I've told you everything." The doctor is beginning to sweat. He then rushes to say, "We will obviously keep her under close observation."

Kylo holds the man's eyes until the doctor blinks and looks away. "Fine, you're dismissed. Remember my promise."

"Yes, sir," the doctor utters as he quickly leaves the room.

Once it is only himself, Vitok, and Kes with Rey, Vitok glares at him. "You shouldn't have threatened Dr. Ahtlen like that."

"Is that his name?" he asks dismissively.

"He's the senior medical officer," Vitok admonishes.

"I see medical droids."

"Fine. You still shouldn't have done that. You won't really have his wife killed will you?"

"No …" Vitok's shoulders fall in relief. "I'll do it myself."

Her eyes snap to his swiftly. "Kylo …"

"No! I've allowed you to cajole and control me enough. If I lose Rey, people _will_ die." He can sense that his reason is leaving him but he _just does not care_.

"I hope you'll reconsider this."

"It won't matter, as Rey will be just fine and no one need die," he says with a strangely placid tone.

"We don't know th-"

"Yes, we do!"

"Alright … alright."

It's only then that Kylo notices Kes's eyes are wide with terror.

"Kes?"

"Y-yes, sir?" the young woman asks shakily.

"What's wrong?"

"N-nothing, sir."

It's only then that he remembers how he'd invaded her mind. His threatening the doctor must have triggered her broken memories. Damn.

"Kes," he says gently. "You have no need to fear me. I won't … I won't ever use the Force on you." Again.

"Yes, sir," she says, her voice a bit stronger but he can't miss the very real fear in her pale green eyes.

He simply doesn't have it in him to contend with this. "Kes, Vitok Ren, I need time alone with Rey," he says formally.

"Yes, Supreme Leader," they say in unison as they back from Rey's room.

He looks at her for a long moment. Her chest rises and falls, but it's not right somehow. This isn't Rey's usual rhythmic breathing. This is aided by _machines_.

Kylo seats himself next to her, removes his gloves, and takes both of her hands in his. They're limp, unresponsive and that makes him understand more than anything else how dire the situation truly is. She's not _here_. Her body is, but Rey … he can't sense her. He still feels the frisson of energy when he touches her, but it lacks the depth of Rey's bright eyes and affectionate response to his touch. It's just all horrifically _wrong_.

He leans his forehead against hers and cups her face with his hand, keeping his other hand curled around her fingers. This can't be happening. They've been so happy. He finally has her, truly has her … what if he's close to losing her forever? He gasps at the thought that she might … never wake up. Oh Force, he knows he'll die with her and he finds the thought strangely comforting. He has no wish to live without her. To hell with grandfather, none of it means a damned thing without his luminous Rey.

His fingers stroke along her face as he rolls his forehead against hers. "Rey … you have to come back to me. You have to fight. I need you, beloved, so much. Please, please, _please_. There is _nothing_ without you. Come back. Come back," he pleads.

He barely notices his tears falling into her hair.

* * *

"Kylo," he hears as someone is shaking him. No, he's nestled against his love and he doesn't want to wake up.

"Come on Kylo, you need to wake up. They need to run some tests."

Tests? Why … what … then he lifts his head and sees that he's in bed with Rey's unconscious form, holding her to his chest. He's surrounded by Vitok and a handful of doctors and medical droids. It all comes flooding back. Rey is in a coma. He shouldn't have crawled into bed with her like this, but he'd hoped that, maybe … the way they're connected … but no. She's still completely unresponsive.

Awkwardly, he extricates himself from Rey, careful not to disturb the machines keeping her alive. He thinks perhaps he should feel foolish for being found wrapped around Rey, but he can't muster the energy to bother with something so trivial as being embarrassed.

"Come on, Kylo, let's let them do their work. You need to eat something."

"No. I won't leave her. I'll wait at the edge of the room."

"Please … this isn't healthy."

"No."

* * *

He sits with her hand pressed to his face. It's torture, he is able to touch her, but without her fire, without _Rey_ … that which should bring comfort taunts him. It's like some horrible inverse of his months of hunting. He couldn't touch her then, but he could always sense her brilliance, even dimmed by her shutting the Bond. He hadn't realized how much of Rey had wound around his very being until he can't feel her. Now he may touch her, but _she's_ gone.

Kes and Vitok have taken to sleeping in shifts. He hasn't left once beyond the unavoidable, eating when Vitok or Kes put food in front of him.

"Kylo …" Vitok begins in that tone he knows means she wants him to go to his quarters and sleep.

"No."

"You don't even know what I'm going to say."

"No."

"Preslan. You need to feed Preslan. And take a shower. She leaves food out for him, but it's been almost two days and I don't have access to her quarters."

He flinches as he remembers how she'd removed his access. He'd not sought to change that, wanting it to be her idea. He supposes he'll need to get Hux involved. "I … don't either," he admits.

Vitok smiles softly. "Yes, you do. She fixed it right after you returned from Sheytaya. You _do_ have access. She said something about it being a gift for an upcoming special occasion."

"She …" She'd given him access for their anniversary. What this means is staggering. She truly trusts him. She would never have done it if she didn't. Force, he's going to break down right in front of Vitok if he's not careful. He looks away and breathes out through his nose, ignoring the sting in his eyes.

He leans forward and finds Rey's ear, whispering, "I hope you can hear me. Thank you, sweetheart. I hope you know how much it means to me to have your trust like this. I'll never give you cause to regret it. I'll go look after Preslan now. I'm sure you've been worried." He pulls back and tidies her hair a bit before again bringing his lips close to her ear. "I love you," he murmurs before kissing her temple.

* * *

As he leaves Rey's room he realizes he can't face being in her rooms without her. For months he'd haunted them, waiting for her. Now that she's with him, being in her quarters, knowing she's lying here … he can't do it. Then he sees Kes asleep in a chair and he has his solution.

He goes up to her, shaking her gently. "Kes?"

Her eyes snap open and she springs to her feet. "Yes, sir."

"I need you to come with me … to feed her cat. I … I'll let you in."

"Of course, sir."

The 'sir' rankles him. It's ridiculous for her to keep calling him 'Supreme Leader' and 'Sir' under the circumstances. "Please, call me Kylo."

"Oh … no, I … I couldn't, sir."

He sees genuine terror in her eyes and he decides not to press. "At least stop calling me 'Sir' all the time?"

"Yes, s-, uhm, alright."

"Thank you."

* * *

He stands at Rey's door with Kes a few feet behind him. His hand shakes as he places it on the scanner, awash in memories. Her first night here he'd taken her hand and nearly come undone from feeling her fingers laced with his. He half expects that it won't work, but her door slides open. He blinks and turns to keep from seeing inside. He swiftly closes the door again and his breath is coming in short pants. He closes his eyes and manages to bring himself under control as he pushes away all the precious days he's collected with Rey.

Perhaps his code works again and he can give Kes access. He's not sure he can come here again and the beast will need tending. He tries the code and is impossibly relieved when it signals its acceptance.

* * *

He left Kes to deal with Preslan and is in his own quarters, mechanically going through the motions of bathing and getting fresh clothing. Though Vitok would like him to get some sleep in his own bed, this is all she's getting out of him. Besides, he hasn't slept here since … no, he won't think about that. He needs to get back to Rey.

* * *

"Sir, there's nothing else we can do. She still might wake up on her own, but that becomes increasingly unlikely the longer she's like this," a different doctor explains on the third day. Dr. Ahtlen has been scarce.

"And you're certain this was caused by her over-use of the Force?"

"Yes, sir."

* * *

"Supreme Leader," Hux says stiffly, standing at attention in Rey's room.

"What is it, Hux?"

"It's been three days. I've managed everything in your absence and Vitok has been keeping me apprised of Rey's condition. However, you must come back to the bridge."

"No, I won't leave her." The very idea fills him with oppressive dread.

"There are items that need your attention. The changes to the stormtrooper program, for example." Kylo thinks he detects a note of disapproval.

"Send anything pertinent to my datapad, I'll respond from here. We'll have our daily briefings in the med bay."

"You really need to be _seen_ right now. I don't think you understand how shaken the generals were by your recent changes. Now is _not_ the time to be perceived as an absentee leader. You will be thought … weak."

Kylo clenches his eyes shut. He can't leave her, he _can't_. But, if he catches Hux's meaning, he might end up with a coup attempt if he's not careful. He reaches up and scrubs his face with his hand, frustrated and feeling more powerless than he can ever remember feeling.

"Fine, I'll come for an hour," Kylo finally concedes.

"Thank you, sir," Hux says with something approaching gentleness. As he goes to the door the general turns back and says, "I really am sorry for her condition, sir. She is … good for you."

Kylo looks at her delicate face and nods. "Yes. She is."

* * *

Helmet firmly in place, he strides to the bridge. As he stalks the corridors, he realizes there has been no update on Eshara in quite some time. It's been weeks since the bombing, is it possible they truly have no leads as to the identity of the terrorists? He'd already been motivated to extract retribution for the simple reason that Rey had been harmed, and to a lesser extent, for the First Order citizens killed in the blast.

Now, well, now things have changed. With Rey lying in the med bay, anyone involved is going to die badly. It's justice. Rey will have to understand.

"Hux!" he barks as he enters the bridge.

"Yes sir?"

"I want a full briefing on the situation on Eshara in fifteen minutes."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

"Our investigators have managed to identify the leader of Shar Faen. Jan Kressin-Vryn. He used to own roughly a quarter of the industry there. At the time, he appeared to accept First Order governance, which is why he still lives," Hux reports.

"Is he in custody?" Kylo asks from behind his desk.

"We haven't been able to find him, sir. Just a few very low level members."

"Chart a course to Eshara."

"Sir-"

"Now. Rey many never wake up, I will at least provide her with vengeance."

"They're close to finding him, there are more pressing matters-"

"Hux, it's something I need to do. Don't push, you won't like the outcome."

The ginger irritant regards him for a moment before nodding sharply. "Yes, sir."

Hux doesn't leave, hovering as usual.

"What else is it?" Kylo asks with very little patience.

"Jashad and Palek Ren have been requesting orders as to what to do with Lann Tren."

He'd completely forgotten about Rey's mother. He wants all of his knights with him on Eshara. Even Wylan will have his uses. There's nothing to do be done about it, they'll just have to bring the woman with them.

"Have them return to the _Finalizer_ with Lann Tren. Make sure they understand she is to be kept comfortable. When they arrive, have a medical team standing by. She's addicted to spice."

"As you wish, sir."

* * *

It's the middle of the night and Kes is asleep in her chair while Kylo holds Rey's hand and watches her. When not on the bridge, that's all he does, really. He soothes along the Bond constantly, seeking any change and attempting to provide her his strength. Once a day he goes to bathe and changes his clothes, has his briefing with Hux and then returns to her. It's almost the beginning of the fifth day and she shows no sign of consciousness. The dwindling hope that she might wake up in a few days is nearly spent. He's trying not to despair, but it's growing increasingly difficult.

Kylo notes the time and realizes the new day has dawned. He glances over and ensures Kes is still sleeping. Then he gently, quietly shifts Rey in her bed and crawls in next to her, mindful of the tubes. Soon he has her cradled in his arms and he closes his eyes, savoring the feeling of her small form against his much larger one. Like this, it's almost as if she's only asleep and he's just waiting to wake her up.

"Rey," he murmurs into her ear. "A year ago today, you changed my life. I know our meeting was frightening, but so much happened that day. We were Bonded, I loved you from the moment I first saw you … You made everything make sense. My whole life had been confusion and pain. And then there was _you_."

He runs his fingers through her hair, taking in the beauty of her face. "You have to wake up now. I have plans for today. They're nothing elaborate, but it's time to wake up, sweetheart."

She makes no response to his entreaties. He sighs and kisses her forehead, then her cheek. Finally he leaves a soft caress on her lips. He leans his head against hers and breathes out, "Happy Anniversary, Rey," before giving in and weeping quietly into her neck, clutching her to him.

"Please," he chokes out. "Please …"

* * *

Thank you CharlotteCAgain for the speedy beta, she's the best! And thank you jackie_01 for the alpha read, your suggestions were super.

Thank you readers! I decided to post early because it was ready and I felt badly about the cliffhanger. You're all simply wonderful!


	46. Chapter 46

His pounding headache wakes him. Kylo can feel that his eyes are swollen from how long he'd cried last night and he slowly opens them, wincing against the low light. He glances to Kes's chair and finds that he's alone with his beloved. Then the knowledge that today marks a year since he found his purpose knifes through him. Kylo isn't ready to face it so he closes his eyes again. He feels her trim body against him and he allows himself a moment to pretend.

Rey is just asleep and soon he'll wake her up with kisses and wandering hands. She likes it especially when he awakens her by trailing down her body and diving his face between her thighs. He'll take his time, keeping her on the edge as long as he can, then he'll plunge into her just in time to feel her come apart around him. He'll bring her to orgasm again as he finds his own release. Afterward, he'll kiss her deeply and she'll tell him about her training and her last flight in her TIE while he holds her naked body against his own. He won't even grumble when that horrid gray beast lounges along her.

Then, while she's training, he'll check with the kitchens to make sure they have all of the special dishes he's arranged. Everything she's enjoyed since she's been with him will be delivered tonight. He's even had lylanberries shipped from Vren; she'd liked them so much. He'll surprise her at mid-day with her first gift, a Murakami orchid, a Force sensitive flower. He's certain she'll be delighted with its unique properties, allowing a wielder of the Force to bond with the flower. It will flourish with her and it's said that in rare cases a rudimentary type of communication is possible. It's perfect for her.

Perhaps he'll even inform Hux that he won't be returning to the bridge so that he may spend the afternoon with Rey. He'll ask her to wear the gown from Sheytaya for their evening. She'd looked like a queen and he'd so enjoyed how her legs peeked from the silk as she'd walked. After their meal, and after he's fed her the three desserts he's having prepared, he'll present her with her second gift.

He knows she's not ready for him to propose, as dearly as he wishes to, but he does want her to wear his ring. It needn't mean anything necessarily, but he's hoping it will mean _something_ to her. It's a stunning piece, if he says so himself. He'd had a firegem set in a slim band of gold, hoping she'd enjoy the contrast of the brilliant jewel to the simplicity of the setting. He'll slip it onto her finger and she'll smile that beautiful smile she gives him when he gets it right.

Then he'll take her to her bedroom and slowly undress her as he had the first night they gave themselves to each other. He'll let go completely, sink into the Bond entirely. They will be one, no boundaries between them. A single soul, singing in its unity. Today will be perfect.

He clings to her, trying to hold onto the fantasy he's spun, unwilling to face the truth. He stays like that until the medical droid comes to change her bedding.

* * *

"Jashad and Palek Ren will be arriving within the next hour with Lann Tren in custody," Hux says, standing in front of Kylo's desk.

"She's not a prisoner." She certainly deserves to be, but Rey wouldn't like it.

"I was under the impression she did not come of her own free will," Hux remarks with a tilted head.

"Be that as it may, she will not be _treated_ like a prisoner. Have quarters prepared for her … near the med bay."

"Yes, sir."

Hux turns to leave but stops at the door to his office. "Sir … I'm aware that you will be returning to medical shortly, however it might be prudent for you to meet Lann Tren when she arrives."

"Why?" he asks brusquely. In his current state he's likely to kill her on sight.

"I am … aware of the particulars surrounding her relationship to the girl and perhaps hearing her mother's voice might provide her the added strength she needs to return to you."

He hadn't thought of that. He'd intended to simply have the doctors get her off the spice so that she would be ready to speak with Rey when she awoke. But Hux's suggestion is actually rather brilliant. He won't consider the idea that his own voice in insufficient. If hearing her mother will bring her back to him, he'll promise Lann Tren anything.

* * *

Jashad and Palek Ren's ship docks smoothly and Kylo waits, taking in the hangar through his mask. A medical team stands to his right and his posture is stiff, his hands clasped behind his back. He's been away from Rey for over two hours now and he's anxious to return to her.

However, General Hux had made an excellent suggestion. If her mother speaks with her, tells her that she wants her to come back, that might finally reach Rey, she might fight her way back. His love is not enough and he's not truly surprised by this. She's wanted her family her entire life, who is he in the face of that? He knows she loves him, just as he knows he loves her far more. It's fitting, really. He's never been enough and there's no reason that should change.

The ramp descends and Jashad and Palek Ren flank a nearly skeletal woman, each holding a thin bicep. Her hands are cuffed in front of her. His knights bring her straight to him and he regards her. She's Rey's height with blonde hair and pale skin. Her head is turned down and her shoulders hunched. He had thought he would need to control his rage for how she'd mistreated Rey, but this woman is utterly pathetic.

"Lann Tren. You have much to answer for."

Her head snaps up and he inhales sharply when he takes in Rey's eyes staring back at him. The fire is muted, but it's unmistakable.

" _I_ have much to answer for?" There is thick mockery in her tone. "I'm the one that was kidnapped and taken prisoner by these two masked creatures!"

Kylo cocks his head, disliking the frisson of memory those words incite.

"Have my knights told you _why_ you are here?"

He finally sees a ghost of the terror he would expect as she looks around the huge hangar. She's well and truly surrounded, but soon she sets her jaw. "Something to do with that brat I threw away years ago."

He doesn't even think, he just reaches out with the Force and pushes her to her knees. She struggles against his hold but it's a useless expenditure of energy.

"I suggest you not speak of her like that," he says, ice freezing every word. He relaxes his grip just enough for her to speak.

"So you're the man in charge," she spits.

"You could say that."

"Then just tell me what you want." Her tone is flat, her life clearly reduced to transactions long ago.

"Your daughter is ill."

Worry moves across her face before it's replaced with faked confusion. "My daughter? No, no, no, you got it all wrong, the kid was never mine."

Kylo stares into Rey's eyes and wonders at this crude attempt at evading her crimes. His head again cocks to the side. "Your daughter is far more intelligent than you are."

"She's not my kid."

Kylo's eyes roll behind his helmet. His fingers flex and he's within her mind in an instant. It all spirals out in front of him, how relieved she was to be free of the burden of her child. And indeed, Rey was undoubtedly her child. Such a sad ruse. There was no conflict about her decision, just that damning _relief_. He wonders if he can let this woman near Rey, what she might _say_. But then he realizes he has a bargaining chip that will ensure he wins the pot. The medical team will be unnecessary.

"When did you have your last dose?" he asks mildly.

Her eyes grow instantly wary. It hurts to see Rey's eyes so afraid, but this is necessary. Rey needs her mother and he has the leverage to ensure that she gets her. At least for now.

The woman's mouth becomes a thin line and she doesn't speak.

"Hmmm? When did you last enjoy the freedom of spice?"

Oh he knows this look, defiance and hopeless hatred. He remembers the curl of lips he now notices are so similar to Rey's. It's _Starkiller_ all over again. Rey got her metal from somewhere. Her kindness, however …

"Come, let us negotiate." He beckons her forward and releases her from his Force hold. With a wave of his hand her shackles fall from her wrists. She stumbles to her feet, awkward in the regained freedom of the use of her limbs. Palek Ren steadies her and they follow him without question.

* * *

He leads them past the med bay, feeling the pull to Rey as he takes them to Lann Tren's quarters. It requires quite a bit of effort to keep his legs moving away from his beloved.

Kylo stops in front of the rooms that should be prepared to receive their new _guest_ and opens the door. He strides into the medium-sized quarters. They are similar to Vitok's, a single room with a seating area and a bed separated by a partition with an attached 'fresher.

He'll have to arrange clothing for her, but until then a few of Rey's pieces will do. He'll have Kes handle it; she'll make sure none of Rey's favorites are selected.

He turns and finds Tren and his knights waiting a few paces behind him. "Jashad and Palek Ren, you procured the necessary supplies for our guest?" he asks, holding out his gloved hand.

Palek steps forward and places a medium-sized package in his waiting palm. It's a significant amount of spice and Rey's mother's eyes grow wide.

He looks at each of his knights and says, "You may leave us."

"Yes, sir," they say as they turn and remove themselves.

Lann Tren remains standing in the middle of the room and Kylo circles her, getting a better look at her shabby appearance. The knights had acquired new clothing for her, but by the looks of it, her health is very poor. He'll have a medical droid look her over.

He notes a light sheen of sweat and has his answer as to when she had her last dose. However long ago it was, it was too long. Her eyes watch him avidly as he opens the package and pulls out one of the many small packets of orange powder. He holds it in front of his masked face, toying with it between his fingers.

"I wonder … what would you do for this?" he asks pleasantly, menace lurking behind his tone.

Resignation rolls across her features and he barks out a laugh. "I assure you, Lann Tren, _that_ is not why you are here."

"Then what do you want?"

"Your cooperation."

"In what?" she asks impatiently, her eyes never leaving the spice.

"Here, a gesture of good faith," he offers as he tosses the packet towards her. It falls to the floor, his move unexpected. She's on her knees grabbing the spice in an instant. She doesn't even bother to stand back up before she's opening the package and sniffing the substance off the back of her hand. He's revolted by her desperation.

"I would prefer you be lucid for this conversation," he says with disgust. It is not her addiction that he holds in contempt, it's her weakness. He already knows this woman will do literally anything for this powdered bliss, this is really a formality.

Her eyes are slightly glazed but the fine tremors have stopped. She staggers to her feet.

"Now, Lann Tren. I know that Rey is your daughter, just as I know your erstwhile companion Sylten Qree paid Unkar Plutt to take the girl off of your hands. You allowed this because he promised to keep you in spice. Do not bother to deny it."

He's surprised to detect some shame from the woman and it gives him a small amount of hope. He continues, "I propose that I reverse the arrangement. Your daughter is ill and needs you. I will provide you all the spice that you need and in return you will behave like a mother to her, though we both know you are nothing of the sort."

"For how long?"

"As long as I require."

It's her turn to regard him, clearly trying to puzzle out what's going on. Then she nods. "You love her."

"I do." He sees no reason to deny it.

"You're worried about her."

"I am."

She starts to move about the room, exploring. "What's wrong with her?"

"She's in a coma, she will not wake up."

"So you hope that if dear old mama shows up she'll be so moved that she'll wake up, just like that?" she snorts.

His lip curls behind his mask. He does not appreciate being mocked and he lifts his hand, applying just a bit of pressure to her throat. Her eyes bulge and she tries to pull the phantom fingers from her neck. Her eyes go to his raised hand and true fear blooms in that familiar hazel.

He releases her and she gasps out, " _What are you_?"

"I have the Force. As does your daughter. Which you would have known had you not thrown her away like so much garbage."

Lann Tren takes in this information as if it's just another piece of data. "Trust me, the kid was way better off without me."

"She nearly died too many times to count on that wasteland of a planet," he snarls down at her.

"Did she end up on her back?" she asks with an odd gentleness.

"No … she learned to protect herself."

"Then she really was safer away from me. I know myself and I would have sold her after the first time she bled."

Lann Tren slams into the wall, his fury uncontainable. The thought of Rey's virginity sold to the highest bidder when she was essentially a child robs him of his already badly slipping control.

Her head lolls slightly to the side and he sees blood trickling down the wall where she'd hit. Damn. He shakily pulls his comm from his robes and barks, "Hux!"

"Yes, sir?"

"Have a medical team sent to Lann Tren's quarters."

He hears something that sounds suspiciously like Vitok sighing before Hux responds, "Right away, sir."

Kylo shoves the spice into his belt and waits for the medical team. He'll just have to continue this conversation later.

* * *

Lann Tren is in the room down the hall from Rey's and he's discussing how she should be handled with Dr. Ahtlen.

"The patient appears to be heavily addicted to spice. We'll put her under and detox her. It should take a week."

"No."

"No?" the doctor asks with bald confusion.

"I require her as she is." He pulls out the spice and hands several packets to Dr. Ahtlen. "This will keep her from going into withdrawals. She appeared to consume the entire packet when given the opportunity. That should give you some idea as to dosage."

The doctor's eyebrows rise quickly. "That amount would kill even someone of your size."

"As you said, she is heavily addicted."

"And you wish us to _maintain_ her addiction?" the perplexed doctor asks.

"Yes."

Dr. Ahtlen blinks. "I see. We will see to it, sir."

"Good. When will she be fit to see me?"

"We need another hour. A medical droid will call you when she's ready."

"Excellent," he says as he turns on his heels, going to Rey's room.

* * *

"-a Force user is sufficiently advanced, battle meditation becomes a key option-" Vitok looks up from her datapad and stands swiftly. "Hello, sir."

He's mildly confused by her use of 'sir' then remembers his mask. He removes it quickly and places it on the small table at the edge of the room.

"What are you reading to her?" he asks as he moves to Rey's side, stripping off his gloves as he goes. He strokes his fingers along her face and kisses her softly on the cheek.

"Just because she's in a coma is no excuse to fall behind on her training. I'm reading her a history of the Jedi," Vitok says from the other side of the bed.

"Jedi? Really Vitok," he tuts, continuing to gaze on Rey.

"She needs to know where we all came from."

He nods, accepting the truth of her statement.

"Now … about Lann Tren," Vitok continues.

"No, not in front of Rey. I'll explain later."

"Let's go to the hall-"

"No … I've been gone too long. I need … I can't leave her just yet."

Vitok's eyes grow warm with understanding. "Of course. I'll leave you two alone then."

"Thank you," he says softly as he takes his seat next to her, rubbing his thumb along her palm.

* * *

His helmet back on, he strides into Lann Tren's room. She's sitting up, now wearing a standard issue medical gown. Her color is marginally better and it appears someone has washed her hair.

Her eyes flick to him then she looks stubbornly away.

"Now that you are more comfortable, perhaps we may continue our conversation," he says.

"You mean our negotiations."

"If you like."

"So you want me to play mommy to the brat and in return you don't let me suffer too badly. Is that about the size of it?"

He flares at her disrespectful tone, but he's determined not to lose his temper again. "More or less. Though I do not intend to keep you on the knife edge. You will be required to maintain lucidity when visiting Rey, but beyond that I don't care if you're spiced out of your head."

"And when she wakes up?"

"Excuse me?"

"When she wakes up, my part is done, what do I get?"

"You have no wish to know your own child?"

"Nothing good can come of her knowing me."

Rey would be devastated if her mother just left. He can't imagine her mother not wanting to be part of her life once she's met her. He decides to hedge his bets. "One week. Once she wakes up, if you stay for one week and learn how special she is, I shall procure you a ship and enough credits for you to live well for many years. Should you still wish to leave."

"You think, what, she's such a precious ball of sunshine I'll just want to change, be her mother?" Tren asks derisively.

"She is very special."

"Oh, you've got it bad. And what if she doesn't wake up? Do I just spend the rest of my life pretending to care?"

"She will wake up," he growls.

"But if she doesn't?"

Oh he hates to think like this. He selects an arbitrary amount of time, certain it won't take so long. "A month. You will stay a month, same terms."

"Alright, you poor dumb bastard, you have yourself a deal."

* * *

Later, he leads Lann Tren into Rey's room and watches anxiously as the frail woman approaches his love.

Rey's mother seems to be trembling and he has a flash of irritation. Why didn't she dose before doing this? She walks slowly towards Rey's bed and stops several feet away. Suddenly she turns away and looks up into Kylo's masked face.

"I can't do this."

He regards her and reaches up and removes his mask. Her eyes widen at the sight of him. He knows he doesn't look anything like the image he projects. At least the scar helps somewhat with his gentle features. He moves quick as a viper and grabs her by the upper arm, pulling her to him. He hisses into her ear so that Rey can't hear, "You will do this or I will put you in a cell and let the withdrawals take you. Now, talk to your daughter."

He again sees hatred harden in Rey's eyes but he tilts his head and just holds her eyes. Tren blinks and her shoulders fall in defeat.

"Fine," she says tightly as she shakes off his grip.

She awkwardly sits next to Rey's bed and leans slightly forward. "Uhm. Rey? It's … it's Mama. I … I'm so sorry for leaving you. But you really were safer without me …"

He stays close, making sure Lann Tren doesn't say anything he wouldn't want Rey to hear.

* * *

That night he's alone with her. Vitok and Kes seem to have accepted his habit of curling around her to sleep and the medical staff is far too terrified of him to say anything.

"Hello sweetheart, we're alone. I hope … I hope I did the right thing by bringing her here. She'll visit every day. Don't you want to wake up so that you can get to know her?" he asks as he places her orchid on the table next to her before lacing his fingers with hers.

He watches her face and keeps her hands in his, hoping for an answering squeeze. But there's nothing and his heart sinks.

"Maybe you just need a few days to get used to the idea of your mother," he says as he sits on her bed. "I have some gifts for you, to mark the day …" He swallows, struggling with going on. "There's an orchid, it's Force sensitive. In time, you may be able to feel a bit of how it feels, for lack of a better word. I know, it's a plant, but … well, if anyone could bond with a plant, I do think it would be you," he says ruefully.

"I have one other present for you. It's a ring … you'll have to wake up to see what it looks like," he says playfully before growing serious again. "I know … I know you aren't ready for something … permanent. But I hope you won't mind that I'd like for you to wear my ring. I just … I'd like you to have a symbol of how much I love you, how I'm yours. You know that, don't you? I am completely yours."

He takes her hand and slowly places the ring on her finger. He tries to imagine a time when he places a very different sort of ring on her finger, but all he can focus on is how lifeless her hand feels. He swallows past the choking feeling in his throat and closes his eyes tightly to dispel the gathering tears. He won't spend another night crying into her hair. He will be strong for her.

He slides into bed next to her, arranging her limbs as he holds her to his chest. "Oh Rey … I miss you so much. I thought the months we were apart, that nothing could be worse than the agony of wanting you and not having you near. I was wrong. I was so very wrong."

Kissing her softly on her lips, he whispers, "You have to come back to me, sweetheart. I can feel that I'm slipping. You have to come back."

* * *

He wakes to a horrific beeping and doctors rushing into Rey's room.

"Sir, please, give us room," a medic begs. Moving quickly, he removes himself and stands at the edge of the room, his heart in his throat.

They move swiftly, efficiently. He hears things like "No pulse" and "Get Dr. Ahtlen" and he's about to completely fall apart. His mask shudders in the corner from the waves of the Force emanating from him. He focuses on pulling himself back under control. He can't disrupt their activities.

It feels like an eternity before he hears, "I've got it, she's back."

Breath rushes into his lungs, burning him through with relief as he gulps for air. Oh Force, Rey almost … So close to losing her. He's shaking, hard, his eyes burning into her pale, limp form.

The panic of the room is subsiding and he's blinking furiously, trying to make things make sense again.

"Sir," the female doctor who seems to be Dr. Ahtlen's second, comes up to him.

"What happened?" he asks desperately.

"She's deteriorating, her heart needs more help to keep beating. We'll be doing a procedure shortly to assist her with that.

"Her heart?"

"Her organs are beginning to shut down. But don't worry, we still have many options. We just need to monitor her closely."

"Why wasn't she already being monitored closely!" he shouts.

"Sir, please. We're doing the best that we can."

"I trust you know the terms I presented to Dr. Ahtlen?" he asks coldly.

"Yes, sir." The doctor's face shifts from entreaty to wariness.

"Consider them effective for the entire staff."

A defiant expression crosses her face before she nods stiffly. "Yes, sir. I'll make sure everyone is informed."

"Excellent."

Just then his comm chirps.

"What!" he growls into the device, holding the doctor's eyes.

"We've reached Eshara, sir," Hux's clipped voice says.

Eshara. Where the people who did this to her are _hiding_ from him. They won't hide for long. It's time for them to pay for their crimes.

* * *

Thank you CharlotteCAgain for the super speedy beta. She got it back to me within just a few hours! She's simply marvelous.

Thank you beautiful, wonderful, amazingly supportive readers! You never cease to blow me away with your thoughts on this story, be they here or on tumblr. You're all truly special and I'm so lucky that you give your time to 'Thwarted'.


	47. Chapter 47

A/N: ... and I'm back! My apologies for the lack of an update last week. I needed a bit of a break from 'Thwarted'. I did, however, write a one-shot called 'Coincidence'. It's my take on the Coffee Shop AU and can be found here on FF under Perry Downing.

* * *

Once the doctors are finished with her and she's returned to her bed, Kylo softly orders, "Leave us."

He watches her from the edge of the room. She looks frail … vulnerable. His heart hasn't really felt like its beat normally since hers was threatened. He reaches out through the Bond futilely. The Bond is becoming a source of pain, a hollow reminder of what used to twine between them. It's an echo, her absence more vacant than emptiness could _ever_ be. All there is is a faint sense of her being alive. The flow of energy when he touches her is growing dimmer and he feels as if he's on a rock with the tide coming in. Soon there will be nowhere to stand and he'll drown in the sorrow.

Kylo sits on the edge of her bed and smooths her thin medical gown. She seems cold, so he pulls her blanket up over her shoulders and tucks it around her securely. Then he trails his fingers along her face, resting his hand there. She's still impossibly lovely. Her fine, arched brows and her beautiful, soft skin capture him as they always have. He wishes he could see her eyes. Force, he misses her eyes. How alive they were … are …

"Rey …"

* * *

Later that morning, Kylo keeps his back to the long table in his hall, his gloved hands clasped behind him and his posture unyielding. He dearly wishes to lead the mission to Eshara himself, but he won't leave Rey. He will send the Knights of Ren in his stead.

Once he senses the last of his knights has arrived, he slowly turns to face them and regards the gathered warriors through his mask. They're all seated awaiting his instructions. He wishes Demyan Ren were still among them. He was always his most loyal knight and while he trusts Vitok, she does not always do as she's told.

"Knights. Your target is one Jan Kressin-Vryn. He is the leader of the terrorist group Shar Fean. At present, First Order investigators have only been able to arrest a small number of lower level members. They're exceptionally well organized and have taken steps to ensure that no one knows of more than a small number of other members. The trail went cold when, during the last raid, the infiltrated cell opted to kill themselves rather than be taken."

He strides from where he's been standing until he's at the head of the table. He places his hands flat on the surface and looks at each knight in turn.

"It is essential that Jan Kressin-Vryn and his compatriots be captured. I want them alive, but that is the only specification. Do what you have to, just bring me this man and his comrades. I want anyone, _anyone_ at all who had something to do with the bombing on Eshara. Jashad Ren will lead this mission and all details are already waiting for you in your shuttle."

He straightens again and says in a low voice, "Find them."

As the knights file out, Vitok comes up to him. "Supre-"

"You have your orders, Vitok Ren," he says coldly. Now is not the time for her concern. He needs her to be a Knight of Ren, not the … friend she has become.

"Yes, but may I-"

"No. Go. _Find them_ ," he repeats.

Vitok pauses before nodding. "Yes, sir."

* * *

He goes to Lann Tren's quarters and presses the door alert. There's no response so he presses it again. Still nothing. He turns to one of the two stormtroopers guarding her door.

"SD-8473, is there any reason to believe that your charge has slipped away?"

"No, sir," the trooper says firmly. "Lann Tren has not attempted to leave since you escorted her here from the med bay yesterday evening."

"Have you heard anything suspicious?"

"Negative, sir."

"Has anyone come or gone?"

"Only KS-2187, uh Kes, sir. She delivered clothing for the prisoner."

"She is not a prisoner, she is our guest," Kylo admonishes.

The trooper pauses and tilts his head. "Yes, sir. Noted."

Kylo frowns behind his mask, unsure what to make of SD-8473's response. He tries the alert one more time before simply entering his access code, opening the door.

He strides into Tren's rooms and finds her in the sitting area, barely conscious. Her eyes open slightly and she makes a half-hearted attempt to sit up from her supine position, eventually giving up.

"Lann Tren, you were to be ready for your daily visit with Rey," he rumbles.

Her eyes blink lazily. "Is it already time to see my darling daughter?" she sneers.

"You have no idea how amazing she is and how lucky you are to have such a perfect creature wish to claim _you_ as mother. Now, get yourself together," he orders with contempt.

She doesn't make any move to respond to his demand so he uses the Force to pull her to him, holding her slightly aloft with one hand. Her eyes fly open in panic. Good, now he has her attention.

"We. Have. A. Deal." With his other hand he summons the last two packets of spice from the low table in front of her couch. He'd given her enough for two days. Clearly he will have to mete it out much more carefully.

He tilts his head and looks at her through his visor. He holds the two doses of spice in his palm and soon they're on fire, being consumed within a bubble of the Force. He keeps the fast-disappearing narcotics right in front of her slack face.

"No!" she gasps.

"I will not repeat myself. You will be ready to see your daughter _every_ afternoon. I had planned on allowing you to take as much of this poison as your black heart desired as long as you were presentable. The terms have changed. A droid will now deliver you a packet of spice every four hours and two before the sleep cycle. No more, no less. Now, I will return in the evening and you _will_ be fit to see your child," he spits as he drops her onto the couch.

She lands gracelessly but is uninjured. He doesn't wait for her response, turning and swiftly leaving her quarters.

In the corridor, he pulls out his comm. "Report," he barks into the device.

"The knights have been on Eshara for approximately four hours. They were able to get another location out of one of the prisoners and are en route now," Hux says efficiently.

"Excellent. Anything else?"

"Wylan Ren reported that the prisoner died from his injuries."

"And?"

"That was all, sir."

"Fine. I want updates regularly on my datapad."

"Yes, sir."

He's about to return to Rey when SD-8473 calls out, "Supreme Leader, sir."

Kylo turns to the stormtrooper, annoyed at the delay. "What is it?" he snaps.

"I just, well, we wanted to … thank you," he stutters out, gesturing to his companion.

The unexpected nature of this gives Kylo pause and the confusion pulls him from his frustrated fury. "Thank me?"

"Yes, sir. The changes you're making for the troopers. We … uh, well … it matters. Thank you."

"I see. You're … welcome," Kylo offers with an incline of his head. He turns quickly and strides away, uncomfortable but not entirely certain as to why.

* * *

He's sitting by her bed in what has become his chair, having just dismissed Kes. He doesn't like Rey to be left alone so he's relieved Kes of her duties so that she's available to sit with her whenever he or Vitok are unable to be there.

His mask and gloves sit on the small table that has become their new home when he's with Rey.

"Sweetheart, I'm sorry, your mother will be coming this evening instead of this afternoon like I promised. She wasn't feeling very well but don't worry. She'll be fine in a few hours. I hope that I did the right thing by bringing her here. She wants you to come back to us. Won't you please wake up so you can meet her properly?" he pleads as he runs his fingers through her hair. Her face is pale, her usually pink lips nearly the same shade as her skin. He supposes at least they aren't blue as they had been on Sheytaya …

And just like that he's pulled into a memory of how she'd sat on his lap while they'd enjoyed the evening music. She'd shifted and caught his lips, kissing him so completely. He'd felt her kiss deep inside, pulling at both his body and his soul. He'd been so amazed at her ability to reach within him, touch his most vulnerable places with just a kiss. But … kissing Rey has never been _just_ anything. He'd waited for her, somehow understanding that he needed his Rey. Oh Maker … how is he going to keep going? It's been days and _days_ since he last heard her sweet voice, felt her small hands caress him.

He shudders and buries his face in her hair, managing to keep from begging. Would that bring her back? What if he let go completely and allowed her to hear how utterly bereft he is without her? Does she need him on his knees? Is this some elaborate test?

No, his darling wouldn't do that to him. She's far too good and kind to simply stay like this in order to ensure his loyalty. No … the only reason she's not back is that she _can't_. Nothing the doctors are doing is helping her.

What else _is_ there? Maker, if only he could heal with the Force … if only she could heal _herself_.

Then he gasps. He _did_ Force heal. It was with her help, but he _did_. Could he … without her? Oh, stars, has it been in front of him the whole time?

"Oh Rey, have I been impossibly stupid? I remember how it felt when you … when _we_ healed that man on Eshara. I wonder if …"

If he does it wrong will he hurt her? When he'd tried to learn at the Academy, Skywalker hadn't said that was a possibility. Of course, it was all theoretical. Skywalker can't heal with the Force either.

Debating with himself he decides it has to be worth at least the attempt.

"I … I'm going to try now. Please, help me if you can."

He holds her hands in his and closes his eyes, remembering how _she'd_ coursed through him. Her light, Maker, her _light_. He allows himself to pull long forgotten memories to him, Jedi meditation. One with the Force. _I am one with the Force, the Force is with me. I am one with the Force, the Force is with me._

Over and over he chants, centering himself on how much he loves her, how there is nothing but _Rey_. She is light. She is _everything_.

He feels a warmth in his hands, and the Bond begins to feel _alive_ again. Something is happening. He visualizes her heart beating strong, her mind healthy and whole. Energy pours from his fingers into hers and, Maker, please work. This has to work.

Kylo is on the brink of utter exhaustion when he finally opens his eyes. Her lips are pink, her color restored. His heart soars with hope and he watches her face eagerly.

"Come on Rey, you can do this. Oh, please. _Please_ , Rey. You have to, you just have to. I need you. Please, I need you."

His eyes never leave her, holding her hands tightly. "Please …"

Then he sees it, her eyes are moving beneath her lids and her face begins to twitch.

"That's it, my love. Come back to me." He's breathing rapidly in anticipation, already imagining her lithe arms around his neck and her sweet lips kissing him.

But then her movements stop and he watches in despair as the flush leaves her cheeks.

"No, you were so close. You can't do this to me. You can't …" He grips her hands tightly and croaks out, "I'm falling apart, you have to come back. I can't survive without you. I won't … I don't want to …"

All evidence of his attempt to heal her is gone. "Rey …" he whispers brokenly.

He rests with her for an hour and tries again. This time she doesn't move at all.

All afternoon he rests and attempts to heal her. Finally, he accepts it won't work. He simply isn't able to do this without her.

He slides to his knees and hides his face in her abdomen, his hands clutching at her.

Rey … Rey … Rey …

* * *

He finally pulls himself from the floor. Watching her, he realizes that for all his feeling that he won't survive without her, perversely, he would. There would be no mercy for him. He decides, then, that if she's taken from him, the galaxy will _burn_. He'll obliterate Jakku from the systems. Eshara will be cinders. Lann Tren will pay for her crimes. He'll hunt down Sylten Qree and take his _time_ with him. Then he'll turn his saber on himself, content that any who have hurt her are well and truly gone.

He finds an odd sort of peace in his decision and checks his datapad. He scowls when he finds that his knights have only succeeded in finding a handful of lackeys. His fingers itch to wrap around Jan Kressin-Vryn's throat. Someone needs to pay for this excruciating pain lancing through him day and night. Someone needs to pay for what's been done to his beloved.

* * *

"Hello, si- uh, hello," Kes greets him.

He lifts his head from resting it against her shoulder, exhausted from his futile attempts to heal her. He sits up and takes Rey's hand. He's long since grown comfortable with Kes seeing him showing Rey affection.

"Hello, Kes."

"Have you eaten anything today?"

He thinks for a moment. No, he doesn't think he has, but it doesn't really matter. "I'll get something soon."

"I could go?"

"No … no. You just got here."

"Alright," Kes says as she takes her customary chair.

He goes back to looking at Rey but Kes seems to be nervous, fidgeting and wary. "Kes, is everything alright?"

"I wanted …" Her eyes flit back and forth and she takes a deep breath before finally saying, "I wanted to tell you something."

"What is it?"

"It's only … I don't think she'd like me telling you … but I can't help but wonder if it would help."

Desperately, his dwindling hope kindles in his chest. Anything, anything. "Under the circumstances, I'm sure she'll forgive you."

"Uhm … okay. Well … there was this woman, with the Resistance. Her name is Leia, I think. Rey didn't talk about her very often, but when she did … it was clear she loves her very much." Kes must have noticed how his posture stiffens because she rushes to say, "I know they're the enemy."

"Go on," he says, trying to keep the danger from his tone.

"I just … since having her mother here hasn't been working … what if you asked this woman to come here?" she asks cautiously.

He just blinks at Kes. He hasn't seen _that woman_ in over eight years. He can't … but … for Rey?

"I'll think about it."

Kes's eyes widen. "Really? I mean, I mean thank you."

Kylo nods and returns his attention to his love.

* * *

He'd sent Kes to deal with Lann Tren, he can't trust himself around her. He hates being away from Rey, but it's for the best. He prowls his quarters, unable to settle. He should be on Eshara, finding the people who hurt his beloved. Instead he's caged up here by the fear that he won't be here when she wakes. But he's beginning to think that maybe she won't.

The doctors have been quite clear that she'll slowly slip away if she doesn't wake soon. They've not been able—or willing—to give him a timeline, but he can tell by their furtive looks that it's days … perhaps weeks, but not months. He wants to be able to tell her that he's found the terrorists who hurt the miners. True, he wants them for their responsibility for Rey, but it would bring her some comfort to know that those responsible for the deaths of innocents had been brought to justice.

He pushes aside the memory of her pleading that no one die. She will understand.

* * *

The Knights of Ren have been on Eshara for two days now and Rey's cheeks are beginning to seem hollow. He can't find any real comfort in holding her any longer, though he continues to wrap himself around her at night, not wanting her to feel his absence.

* * *

He's taken to closing the Bond. He can't handle how wrong she feels. She's there, but not really. It's like an open wound that he can't stop probing. So he keeps it closed and he's never felt so cold in his entire life.

* * *

Rey has been gone from him for nearly two weeks. He still stays by her side obsessively, rarely taking his eyes from her, but the sharp agony is giving way to an icy stillness that might frighten him if he were capable of any sort of rational thinking.

He's close to putting out a request on the holonet for General Organa to contact him, as he has no other way to reach the Resistance. It's been years since he was able to sense her in the Force.

"Darling, would it help if I brought … Leia here for you like Kes suggested? I don't … I don't want her here, but I don't know anything else to do. Would you wake up for her? I'll do anything for you, I'll bring her here for you, I will, if you'll only just wake up."

He's about to continue his entreaties when Kes comes in unexpectedly. She'd left recently to see to the beast.

She looks nervous and Kylo feels a flash of concern.

Kes looks at the floor for a long time while Kylo looks at her expectantly. "Uhm, I haven't wanted to bother you with this, but I think I need your help."

"What do you need?"

"It's Preslan. He hasn't eaten in two days and now he won't come out from under her bed. Maybe … I thought … is there something you can do with the, uhm, with the Force? Maybe?"

He inhales sharply. He has no wish to go to her quarters, the memories will overwhelm him and he doesn't want to fall apart like that. But she'd never forgive him if he let that ridiculous creature starve. He stares at Rey's face for a long time, thinking. Kes remains standing and silent, waiting patiently.

Finally he looks back to Kes. "Fine. Please stay with her while I deal with … Preslan."

Kes's shoulders sag in relief and she sighs out, "Thank you, sir."

He purses his lips at her use of 'Sir' but he doesn't remark on it. "I'll return shortly."

* * *

Kylo stands outside of her quarters, his gloved hands against the door, his back bowed and his head hanging forward. He does not want to do this.

After far too much time, he strips his gloves from his hands and opens her door. He doesn't think, just strides into her quarters purposefully. He pulls his helmet from his head and places it on his table, his hands shaking. He turns and tries not to take in her sitting room and all of her plants and flowers, but he _can't_ and he gasps out in pain. Oh Maker, she should _be_ here, waiting for him. He can almost see her bright hazel eyes and her warm smile as she greets him. It's too much and he clenches his eyes shut against the crashing waves of memory.

It doesn't work. He can't stop them and he's pulled along a chaotic river of Rey. Force, it hurts and he gulps in air, desperately trying to find his way back to the present. He's here with a purpose. A duty to his love. He focuses on why he's here. Rey loves that furry monstrosity and he must look after it. Eventually, he opens his eyes and begins to search.

He reaches out with the Force and senses Preslan in her bedroom. Of course, he would have to face her bed, where they'd … where … he won't think about it.

Just as Kes had said, the creature is under Rey's bed.

He gets down on his hands and knees and sees the frustrating feline. "Come out from there, you difficult animal," he orders.

Preslan only blinks at him and shrinks further into the shadows.

He reaches under the bed, trying to capture him. "I know she told me not to use the Force on you, but I will if you don't move your furry self _right now_."

Preslan hisses and swipes at him.

"Beast, I know you miss her … we both do. But you must come out."

He's never tried to read an animal's mind before, but he decides to try it anyway. He probes the cat's consciousness and picks up intense fear and sadness. It's remarkably similar to his own frame of mind. On impulse he pushes back an image of Rey in the med bay, clearly breathing. He sends hope and calm he doesn't himself feel and Preslan cautiously moves forward.

"Would you like me to bring you to her?" he asks as he imagines Preslan curled up on her sick bed, sharing the thought with the distressed beast. His ears prick up and he sniffs Kylo's hand. Gently, Kylo scratches under his chin and is surprised when the cat licks his hand once.

Kylo sits back on his haunches and the cat slowly emerges from under her bed and sits in front of him, clearly waiting for Kylo to make good on his suggestion. He holds Preslan's yellow eyes and says, "First, you will eat."

Preslan tilts his head then saunters over to his bowl with his tail held high. Kylo sits on the edge of the bed, waiting for his temporary ally to finish his kibble.

* * *

He's walking down the corridors with Preslan tucked under his arm. The animal had hissed and cowered when he'd replaced his mask, so Kylo left it behind. Preslan takes in the ship with curiosity but doesn't struggle, clearly understanding that he's being taken to his mistress.

* * *

Kes's eyes grow wide when Kylo arrives with his furry burden.

"Preslan and I have come to an agreement."

"That's … good. Did he eat anything?"

"He did," he says as he deposits Preslan on Rey's bed.

Kylo removes his gloves and kisses Rey's cheek, murmuring, "Sweetheart, I've brought Preslan. I probably should have thought of it earlier, he misses you nearly as much as I do."

He turns to Kes. "You may leave us."

"Yes, s- … yes," Kes finishes awkwardly as she leaves the room.

Preslan has already curled himself into a huge gray ball at Rey's hip and is purring loudly.

"Well, this seems to have improved your mood," Kylo remarks as he strokes his fur. It's softer than he'd thought and not an entirely unpleasant sensation.

* * *

Four days, the Knights of Ren have had _four_ days with nothing to show for it.

"Hux!" he bellows as he enters the bridge.

"Yes, sir?"

"Get me Jashad Ren on comms."

"Right away, sir," Kylo hears as he strides into his office.

Within a minute he hears Jashad's voice. "Supreme Leader,"

"Jashad Ren. Tell me of your progress."

"I'm sorry sir, we haven't found anything beyond low-level members, just part-time revolutionaries who hand out data chips on street corners."

"Have you used alternative methods?"

"We've used everything at our disposal, but as you know, you are the only one of us with the ability to penetrate thoughts and memories. Even the mind trick has been minimally effective."

"How are they so well organized?"

"We don't know, sir. It reminds me of …" Heavy silence fills the connection.

"Speak," Kylo growls.

"Well, it reminds me of the Resistance, sir."

"The Resistance?"

"There's no real evidence of their presence, none of their propaganda, but … Shar Faen clearly knew how to prepare for the possibility of interrogation by Force sensitives."

Is Leia Organa really so ruthless that she would endanger _Rey_? Kill innocent civilians? The woman he knew would never have done that, but … the Resistance has been behaving very strangely lately. Who knows what she might be capable of. She'd proven she had no idea who _he_ is any longer in that intercepted transmission.

"Understood, Jashad Ren. Do you require additional resources?"

"Your presence would be extremely helpful."

He pauses, thinking. If necessary, he could be back on the Finalizer within fifteen minutes … but what if she wakes and he isn't with her? He would be by her side swiftly … is it worth the risk in order to capture those responsible for her current state? No. No, he can't leave her.

"That is not possible at this time. Keep me informed as to your progress."

"Yes, sir."

He sits back in his chair and steeples his fingers. The Resistance …

* * *

Kes is again handling Lann Tren and Kylo is pacing in his quarters. He can't shake the idea that the Resistance has somehow infiltrated Eshara. It would account for how Shar Faen had avoided detection. And now his knights are failing after four days. They should have had them rounded up within hours. He's familiar with just how brutal Wylan Ren can be when he's been given free rein.

It makes no sense for a primitive band of terrorists to be able to organize themselves like this … it has to be the Resistance. Of course it would be. He had just been considering bringing that woman to Rey's bedside. He'd nearly brought the person ultimately responsible for Rey's deterioration within striking distance. Clearly Leia Organa is willing to do anything to hurt him. They must have informed the Resistance that he and Rey were nearby that day on Eshara. Perhaps the bombing had even been an attempt to kill them both.

His mind won't stop spinning as he understands he was always right to despise the Princess.

* * *

Kylo stalks the corridors, attempting to calm the simmering fury in his veins. Lann Tren is finished with her visit and it's time to spend the evening with Rey. But he can't pull himself together. Leia Organa did this. Rey is fighting for her life because of _that woman_. _That woman_ who tricked Rey into believing she cared. She never cared about anyone or anything beyond her Rebellion and then her precious Resistance. She only knows how to be a terrorist. She sent her only child away at the age of 11. She has no heart.

Twenty years of resentment and rage take control and he turns quickly on his heel. He has to calm down and the only place he can do that is his training room.

* * *

He pulls the dagger from the wall and thrusts up his sleeve. Rey will never know he did this. He'll have them put bacta on it later at the med bay. The wounds will be gone by tomorrow.

Maker, he hates _that woman_. He draws the blade across the well-scarred flesh of his arm. So many of these marks are _hers_. Years of betrayal written across his skin. And now she's done it to Rey, his brilliant Rey who trusts her so much.

The storm begins to quiet from the sweet sting of the knife. He pushes back the pulsing anger and feels his control returning to him. He breathes in and out slowly as he makes another cut.

* * *

Kylo enters their quarters and sweeps her into his arms, kissing her soundly. He'd missed her so much today. He always misses her when he must be on the bridge, but they've only just returned from their wedding trip, and after being with her constantly for the last two weeks, it was especially difficult to be apart.

"Oh, I missed you," she breathes out between kisses. She slides her tongue against his and he groans low in his throat. He pulls her body flush against his and revels in how she feels in his arms. Nothing feels better than his gorgeous wife. His _wife_. He still can't believe she'd agreed to marry him.

He stops kissing her and she whimpers in disappointment. He takes her left hand in his and kisses her new ring, worn with the firegem he'd gifted her with during that horrible time.

"Beloved …" he sighs as he kisses along her hand, turning it so that he may gently suck at the sensitive skin of her inner wrist. Then he again captures her lips. Even after all this time he can never get enough of her mouth.

He really should let her be, ask her what she did with her day, find out what she wants for dinner, but he's hungry for something else entirely. He pulls at the neckline of her gown and runs his tongue along the tops of her perfect breasts. Then he dips his hand beneath the fabric and circles her pert nipple with his thumb while he leaves hot, open-mouthed kisses along her shoulder. He adores the way her skin tastes, how the energy flows between any place their flesh connects. Stars, he's already so hard for her. He's made love to her countless times in numerous ways, but she still heats his blood to boiling and he _needs_ her.

He feels her stiffen and he pulls back in alarm. "Rey?"

Her breathing becomes labored and her eyes are wide with fear. "Rey!" he calls out as she claws at her throat.

"Rey!" he shouts. Her eyes roll back in her head and she collapses in his arms, desperately trying to get air.

"No, no, please! Rey, Rey!"

Then she stops breathing and he wakes screaming her name.

He's panting heavily and he checks her over, panicked. She's breathing steadily, no change to her condition. She's comatose but her heart is beating and her chest rising and falling as it should.

Then he notices Preslan nudging him with his head. He skims the cat's mind and finds worry and a whisper of affection. Preslan continues to butt his forehead against Kylo's arm and so he idly scratches him behind the ears, attempting to quell the terror roiling through him.

His dream had been _perfect_ , everything he wants and needs. She'd been so alive under his hands and kissing her had felt fatally _authentic_. But then the fear he's living with every day had invaded and he knows he's losing her.

His breathing is finally under control and Preslan has situated himself between his body and Rey's, his purr rumbling.

Kylo leans his forehead against Rey's and whispers, "I love you."

Dread takes root in his chest, and though she's right here, he finds himself certain that he's going to lose her.

* * *

"I'm going down to Eshara," he announces to Hux the next morning.

"Sir?"

"As I said, I'm leaving for Eshara. Send the knights' current coordinates to my shuttle."

Hux blinks dumbly. "But … sir …"

"Yes?"

"The girl …"

"Shows no sign of waking and I will find the men and women who did this to her. I've accepted that I may lose her. At least she will have her vengeance while she still breathes."

"... As you say, sir. Your shuttle will be prepared for departure by the time you reach the hangar."

"Good," Kylo says shortly.

* * *

He's surprised by the anticipation bubbling in his blood as his shuttle descends on Ryk, Eshara's largest city. Oh, he needs this. Something, _anything_ to push away this horrible numbness that's settled into his bones.

All of Rey's mercy has burned away, leaving only icy clarity. What he does today will never be forgotten. No one takes from Kylo Ren.

* * *

Thank you to my marvelous beta and wonderful friend CharlotteCAgain. She always turns it around within a day, giving me extra time to write and I so appreciate the time and effort.

Thank you readers! You have been wonderfully supportive during my little break and I truly appreciate it. I felt awful missing a week, but so many of you reached out to me and made me feel like it really was alright. Thank you, my beautiful Reylo Fam! And of course, thank you very much for giving your time to this story!

Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning!


	48. Chapter 48

He rips into the shuddering Esharan's mind. Kylo doesn't _care_ if his victim never recovers. He doesn't _care_ if this man is left mad. He doesn't _care_ if he kills him. Mercy was Rey's and Rey is all but gone.

 _This_ man, this _collaborator_ used to work at the mine. It would seem that he provided essential intelligence for the planning and execution of the bombing. The only reason that Kylo hasn't killed him already is that he's certain there's more information lurking in his brain. Wylan Ren has already interrogated him extensively and the terrorist shows all of the signs of Wylan's _particular_ methods. Bruised and bloody, broken and sobbing. Beg, beg. It won't matter. There is nothing he can say to stop what's coming. Kylo smiles cruelly behind his mask; it's so very _satisfying_ to feel how the terrorist's defenses crumble beneath Kylo's dark power. There are no true obstacles between him and the utter destruction of Shar Faen, not when he lets go and pulls the dark side to him like a familiar friend and ferocious ally. Perhaps— _before_ —he would have paused, considered the cost, but there is no balancing of this ledger. He's all but lost his light and there isn't enough blood in the galaxy to right that wrong.

"Give me your contacts. Now," Kylo hisses as the Esharan's face twists in agony. Kylo remembers the scraping blades along the inside of his skull when Snoke first began to hone his natural affinity for the mind. He knows _precisely_ what he's doing to his victim, and it soothes just a bit of the howling pain that's replaced the bliss of his beloved. Molten vengeance melts the ice in his veins, and—if only for a moment—blocks out the blinding agony of his sundered soul.

Several faces materialize in the writhing man's memory. Wylan had only managed to wrangle the identity of two of his lower level companions, useless. They'll still die, of course, but they bring Kylo no closer to Jan Kressin-Vryn. From how this key player is fighting, there are clearly more. There is something _important_ nestled in the pliant folds of this mind.

Kylo grasps the memories and _pulls_ , feeling how the threads rip from the tender cradle of consciousness. It's not unlike the feeling of bone cracking or flesh peeling. It's unnatural and he knows that it's _excruciating_. The man begins to shake, blood streaming from his nose. Kylo's smile only grows. He wants this man to feel every single synapse die.

"Fighting is useless," he remarks as he claws deeper. Pleading eyes try to distract him, but Kylo is focused. There's a strange buzzing that sounds a bit like Rey, but he bats it aside. He knows what needs to be done. Kylo reaches into the softest places in the Esharan's mind.

He's learned, over the years, how memories and thoughts have a different quality to them. Perversely, that which is most dear is soft, almost succulent, and oh so easy to sink into, devour whole. It's almost as if the keeper of the memory can't bring himself to defend it properly, it's too precious for thorns and knives. Instead, he senses an almost sacred glow about these particular memories. So easy to follow. So easy to hack them from this man, this man who hurt his Rey. Well. He'll learn his lesson.

Though it won't really matter, as the man will have no time for _practical application_. If the interrogation doesn't kill him, Kylo will. Now, he's no savage. His kill will be clean. All the pain that came before is entirely because the man would not simply submit. It's not Kylo's fault. Kylo has no choice. If he takes pleasure in his suffering it is only a benefit. His actions always have reason and purpose. He does not torture for sport, not like Wylan Ren.

Kylo focuses again on the warmth surrounding this particular memory, squeezing until the man is promising him anything, anything … but he cannot give Kylo the only thing he wants. Then he senses it … there, a woman, a conversation, datachips passing between them. Fingertips caressing soft skin. Kylo can't help it, he chokes the man with his gloved hand because Kylo, too, remembers what it is to feel his beloved under his fingers. Kylo clenches his eyes shut and shoves aside the need to rip and shred. He needs this information more than he needs the relief of violence.

Yes … This is who he's been protecting. Then the man's brilliant lilac eyes bulge and oh how he _screams_ ; Kylo only slices deeper into his consciousness.

"Just a little more, a name." That prompts the Esharan to unwillingly think of it. Kylo feels a whisper of compassion as he sees the tears leak from those strange eyes. He hadn't wanted to betray his lover. Such a pity, Kylo thinks … Rey would find their story charming. Kylo wonders if he should allow him to live for Rey just as the man's heart stops. No matter. His woman will be with him soon.

"Tet Jarmash. She works out of a hotel in the Indigo sector. She is our next target," Kylo orders flatly.

He releases the now dead man's corpse and it flops to the ground, his vacant, unseeing eyes staring at the ceiling.

"Wylan Ren," Kylo calls. He may despise him, but right now Wylan's tendency for excess is useful.

"Yes, Supreme Leader," Wylan responds.

Toeing the body with his boot, Kylo asks, "Did he have a spouse?"

"No, just a sister and his father."

"Have them taken into custody. We'll need another division of stormtroopers sent down. We're going to be busy." Kylo orders with an eerie calm.

"Yes, sir," Wylan responds, walking outside to comm the _Finalizer_. The rest of the knights wait for their orders.

Vitok approaches Kylo slowly. "Supreme Leader?" she asks worriedly.

"What is it?" Kylo's voice is irritated. Vitok has been questioning him all day and he's growing weary of it. He's done waiting, wasting time, just to spare a few lives that are forfeit anyway. Vitok should understand this.

"Why are you having his family arrested?"

"They've taken Rey from me. Shar Faen will understand what it is to have that which is most dear taken from _them_. These terrorists need to comprehend that it's not just their own necks that they risk. Dying for a cause is easy. Sacrificing your family is another matter entirely." Besides, he'll take a grim satisfaction in knowing they'll feel just a fraction of his torment in their last minutes. The spouses die first, he decides.

"Sacrificing?" Vitok clarifies, apprehension clear in her tone.

"For now I simply want the word to spread. Defy the First Order, defy _me_ , at great peril. The time for leniency is past. Now, let's find this Tet Jarmash."

* * *

Stormtroopers swarm the hotel hiding Kylo's quarry. In the lobby he paces, his hands in fists at his side. He just wants this done. He needs to be at Rey's side, but watching her fade away is nearly unbearable. This is better. This is action. If he must lose her, then he will make sure she has her justice while she still breathes. There's nothing else he can give her, nothing else he can do to show her in these last days how much he loves her. The respite from the numbing cold he found while plumbing the depths of the Esharan's mind is fast dissipating.

Moving. He has to keep moving. The abyss of madness calls so sweetly. He could give into it, let his mind shatter and spend his life lost to fantasy. It is so tempting. The siren's call has always lurked just at the edge. _Let go_ , it whispers, _give in and you'll never feel pain again. Your mind will be lost but it won't hurt any longer._ It's never pulled at him as strongly as it does now. Everywhere he looks there is agony or a terrifying blank place of nothing. No feelings, no duty, no Rey.

So he sinks himself deep in the dark, cloaking himself in the nearly erotic power that steals consequence, guilt, conscience. It does not matter that Rey cannot find him here. Rey isn't looking.

Vitok hovers, her almost maternal protectiveness grates at him and he almost wants to send her back to the _Finalizer_.

Pace. Pace. Pace. Wait. Someone is calling for him. He stops his frenzied movements and finds Natan and Palek Ren holding Tet Jarmash between them. She's a large woman with dark skin and brown eyes burning with hatred.

"Has she said anything?" Kylo asks.

"No, sir. We did not question her. We thought you would wish to speak with her first."

Kylo tilts his head, looking down on the defiant woman. "Tell me where to find Jan Kressin-Vryn," he orders softly.

"So you can kill him? I don't think so," she sneers.

Kylo shrugs. "I'm afraid your lover died quite badly because he wouldn't give you up-"

"Ratal is dead?" Sharp pain briefly mars her lovely face.

"Oh, was that his name? I never did think to ask that. He did fight valiantly to protect you, but it was a useless, empty gesture. In your case, there really is no need for that kind of pain if you'll only cooperate. Because, I assure you, you will be providing me with everything you know about Kressin-Vryn and Shar Faen."

"I'll die first," she promises, her lips twisting in hatred.

His eyes roll behind his mask. Why do they always say that? "My dear, that is not up to you. You'll live as long as I say and your every secret will be mine. There's truly nothing you can do about it," he purrs.

"Threaten me, hurt me, I'm not giving you anything."

Memory calls for him and Rey's face swims in front of his eyes. Perhaps she wouldn't … no, this is necessary. These people hurt her. Soon Rey will be dead and he will follow her once all of his business is attended to.

"Hold her," Kylo barks and he viciously attacks her mind. There is no finesse, no subtlety, he will have it all and he will have it _now_.

He wades through a wall of profound grief. Hidden on her face, but howling in her heart. Good, she knows a bit of what he feels. He'll make sure they all do before the day is done. This one is cagey, typically his victims think of what he seeks in their efforts to hide it from him. Imagining their secrets protected, not knowing they've made the memories glow and beckon. But not this Tet Jarmash. She's thinking of a childhood memory, working in her father's shop, learning how to do the accounts. Late into the night she studies, enraptured by the purity of numbers. Now she's older and has learned how one plus one does not always need to equal two. Ah, so she's the one who handles the credits. That's her part to play. She's clearly exceptionally good at what she does. The First Order hadn't been able to follow her trail.

This is an excellent find indeed. She'll know it all. The money always does. There, that's the connection, he grasps and rips, huge swaths of her life destroyed as he consumes her memories like a glutton. She whimpers softly which surprises him. Usually they're weeping by now. He finds he almost admires her.

She tries to think of her lover, but that is a mistake because he follows that trail right to a meeting with Jan Kressin-Vryn.

"No!" she gasps out.

"Yes," he snarls and he has it.

Memory after memory of late night meetings and clandestine drops. He sees the man behind the plot that has left Rey all but gone. He's surprisingly small with pale skin and white-blond hair. His eyes, however, are black and deeply unsettling. Dead eyes. Kylo needs only to pull out his current hiding place from her mind but he finds a strange block. At first he wonders if she's another latent Force sensitive, like his Rey, but no, this is _different_. This is artificial in nature. It doesn't flow and pulse like the Force.

Then he realizes how it is she's done it, hidden Shar Faen's resources, kept the trail buried. This was all planned. She's been augmented, when such a thing was possible on Eshara. The back alley body choppers had all been cleared out, as they existed only to exploit. The data stored within her body is keyed to her very DNA. No one would be able to access it without her cooperation. Well, no one but him.

Kylo pulls from her mind and she sags between Natan and Palek's firm grasp.

He places one gloved finger beneath her chin and lifts her face and he looks into her glassy eyes through his visor.

"You can't get anything important from me, just kill me," Jarmash slurs as blood dribbles from the corner of her mouth. Ah, she must have bit her tongue.

"Oh, but that is where you are wrong. If I were like other men, you are right, there's nothing we could do. Your little plan would never be discovered. But you see … I am _not_ like other men."

He grabs her chin roughly and gathers his power. He infuses his words with the darkest depths of the Force and intones, "You will release the data block."

Her eyes widen and she grunts with the effort to keep from speaking. "You will release the data block," Kylo repeats.

"Uhg-I will- re-re-release-," she gasps in pain as he intensifies the compulsion then she screams and more blood pours from her mouth.

He holds her face with both hands, his fingers digging deeply into her cheeks. "You. Will. Release. The. Data. Block."

Jarmash keens in pain but she finally stutters out, "I- I- will release the d-data block."

He's back in her mind like a viper as the block is lifted and address after address spins from her mind. He shuffles through them until he finds where Kressin-Vryn is hiding. Swiftly he leaves her consciousness and releases her face. Her head drops forward and she can no longer stand. The knights keep her firmly in their grip.

"Vitok Ren!"

"Yes, sir," Vitok responds from the edge of the hotel lobby.

"Take her to the intelligence officers stationed here on Eshara. She's been augmented but the security measures have been disabled. They'll be able to access all the data she's hiding in that expanded brain of hers. Full download within the hour."

"But sir, that will kill her."

"She was dead the moment she helped Shar Faen, she just didn't know that. They're all dead men walking, now."

"Sir, Rey wouldn't li-"

He grasps her upper arm and pulls her to him until his mask is inches from hers, "I do this _for_ her. Don't question me, Vitok Ren. Not now."

"Listen, please Ky-"

"No! Follow your orders. This is your last warning. Today is not the day to test me."

Vitok shakes her head slightly. "Yes, sir," she agrees wearily. He releases her and she takes Tet Jarmash from Natan and Palek with a defeated air.

"Natan and Palek Ren, go with with her. Once the location of the rest of Shar Faen is procured, each of you will lead a team of stormtroopers to round them all up. I don't care if all they did was deliver food, anyone who touched the bombing is to be arrested. Take their families too. Before the sun sets every sign of Shar Faen will be nothing but a whispered memory."

"Yes, sir," they respond in unison.

"Wylan and Jashad Ren, you will come with me. Jan Kressin-Vryn awaits."

Jashad lifts his comm but Kylo stops him. "No need for the stormtroopers." He's handling this _personally_.

Jashad's hand with the device hovers in the air for a moment but then he tucks his comm back in his belt. "Yes, sir."

* * *

Kylo had seen precisely where they're going within Jarmash's memories. His prey is hiding above a small restaurant that caters to families. Coward, using children as shields. As if anything could keep this man safe.

Kylo enters the establishment with his two knights at his back and takes in the smattering of customers. It might be satisfying to level the entire building with one Force push, but Rey wouldn't like innocents dying. Besides. He'll look Jan Kressin-Vryn in the eyes when he kills him.

"You have all forgotten something important and must go home immediately," Kylo compels.

The clientele blink then quickly leave their tables, food forgotten. Within moments the restaurant is cleared. That done, Kylo ascends the battered staircase and Force pushes through the door. As the door is falling from its hinges, Kylo senses movement and catches sight of someone leaping from a small window. Futile, pointless. There is no running from Kylo Ren.

"Jashad, Wylan, go to the end of the alley to block his escape," he barks as he's vaulting through the window himself. He gracefully lands on his feet with the assistance of the Force and sees Jan Kressin-Vryn sprinting down the narrow alley. Kylo reaches out a hand and freezes him, then pulls his objective to him, almost lazily.

As soon as he's within range, Kylo seizes him violently and slams him against the stone wall. Kressin-Vryn's head snaps back and hits the hard surface before lolling forward. Kylo grabs him by the hair and forces him to look at him. Kylo is much taller, so Kressin-Vryn's head is pushed back at a painful angle.

Kylo simply looks down at him for a long time. This, this is the man who has cost him everything. This is the man responsible for the bleeding chasm in Kylo's chest. It's strange that such a fragile collection of flesh and bone could be responsible for taking his luminous Rey. It's anticlimactic now that he has him at his shallow mercy. He's only a man yet he has taken _everything_ from Kylo.

"Do you have any idea what you have done?" Kylo asks calmly.

"Made the First Order hurt. Brought the Supreme Leader himself. We made you see us!" Kressin-Vryn says with cold fire in his black eyes.

"Is that what you think? You think this is about _politics_? You think I'm here because you're that _important_?"

"You're here aren't you!" he spits.

Kylo can't help it, he begins to laugh. It's a mad, frantic laugh, devoid of mirth. "You really have no idea what you've invited to your doorstep, do you?"

"If it hurt the First Order, I say good. And it obviously hurt you pretty bad if you're here. Was there some sort of new technology being tested? Did we do more than bloody your nose?" he taunts.

Quick like a cat, Kylo reaches down and snaps Kressin-Vryn's wrist. He takes no small pleasure in the terrorist's shocked screams.

"You ignorant, backwater fool. You hurt _her_."

Kressin-Vryn's eyes have taken on some genuine fear as he cradles his injured limb. "Her? Who are you talking about?" he asks through teeth gritted against the pain.

"My … my …" Kylo can't think of how to put her into words. His lover? Soulmate? Beloved? None of it is right, He has no way to convey what this man has stolen from him. "My very heart was there that day. She is … was the most perfect spirit the galaxy has ever known. You aren't worthy to gaze upon her. She was … injured. She's dying. _You_ killed her. You and your petty little band of children playing at war. Did you know I was there near the mine when you blew up hundreds of innocent people?"

"No one who takes First Order credits is innocent."

Kylo grinds the broken bones together. "She was the very essence of innocence. I ask again, _did you know I was there_?! Did the Resistance tell you where to strike?"

"The Resistance?" he chokes out as Kylo again twists his wrist.

"I know you're working for them. Tell me!"

"We're not with the Resistance. There's more than one group who opposes the First Order," he spits defiantly.

"I do not believe you." No more talking. He'd taken no care in the minds he'd invaded thus far today, but this time, this time he makes sure to make it hurt as much as he can.

First, he finds Kressin-Vryn's happiest memories, laughing blue eyes. He digs and finds this man's beloved. He'll enjoy watching Kressin-Vryn's husband die before his very eyes. But, wait … no. He's already dead. Kylo digs and hacks, finding the fragmented truth of why Jan Kressin-Vryn fights the First Order. His husband died in the takeover. He'd been an artist and had painted anti-First Order murals all over the city. Kressin-Vryn already knows what it is to watch his mate die as he watches helplessly.

Kylo pulls from his mind. "So you know what it is to lose your reason for living."

HIs victim is panting, Kylo gives him a moment to recover, but keeps his head pushed back, holding him roughly by his white-blond hair.

"Yes, the First Order murdered Uli for nothing more than expressing a different opinion."

"He broke the law, he knew the consequences," Kylo dismisses.

"He was the most gentle, kindest person … and the First Order executed him like a dog in the streets."

"Well, soon you won't remember him, so it won't matter to you."

"What?" Jan Kressin-Vryn asks in horror.

"I had planned on making you watch him die, but as that particular joy has been taken from me, I'll have to settle for taking your memories of him before I kill you. I will take them all and you will _feel_ him leaving you."

"You-you can do that?"

"I can take anything I want."

"Maker, no, please, no. Just kill me now. Let me die with Uli in my heart. Please, please."

"I think not. I'll know all your secrets and leave you a shell. I would gladly do it again tomorrow and every day after. I would torture you for an eternity if it would bring her back. Beg all you like. I've begged, and she lays dying. Now, shall we get started?"

Kylo's heart is ice as he begins to methodically destroy Jan Kressin-Vryn's mind and he barely hears his screams.

* * *

A/N: Thank you CharlotteCAgain for giving this an alpha read. I'm being impatient and am posting this unbetad. I'm just too eager. Thank you, C, for putting up with my insecurity an impatience.

Thank you readers! I know that my posting schedule has been a bit off as of late. I'm hoping it will even out, but RL is getting a bit tricky so posting may continue to be less regular. I will, of course, do what I can to keep to my schedule, but I don't want to promise anything and then let you down.

I'm also a bit behind on responding to reviews, but will respond very soon. Please know that I treasure each and every single review and appreciate all of you immensely.


	49. Chapter 49

Jan Kressin-Vryn's gaze is vacant and Kylo has found no true satisfaction. He knows it all now, every last secret, each motivation for the terrorist's actions. The death of his husband had been only one of many sparks. This man may think he acts for the good of the people, but his true reasons are petty and selfish.

He'd found memory after memory of Kressin-Vryn working late into the night, driven by his need to once again own the empire he'd once led. He had been an exceptionally wealthy man, heading a conglomerate that held nearly a quarter of the factories on Eshara. He'd had dozens of politicians in his pocket and was well used to his word being close to law.

"You may tell yourself Shar Faen works for freedom, but we both know you simply wanted to be in charge again," Kylo sneers.

The broken man just blinks, his mind far too gone for true comprehension.

Kylo had teased out every single thought he could find about the Resistance. Other than studying tactics and a sense of kindred purpose, he'd found no evidence of any connection. He'd been so sure that Leia Organa had been behind this, but now he's left with nothing but confusion and doubt. And oh how he'd pressed, using pain and violence to ensure he'd missed nothing. He'd nearly killed his foe in his efforts, but had pulled back before it was too late. Kressin-Vryn will die publically.

Mid-way through the interrogation, Natan and Wylan Ren had joined him, standing silent guard. Kylo is grateful he didn't bring Vitok with him; he's certain she would have interfered. He's not sure why she cares so much, what does it matter that Shar Faen's leader's mind is cracked and nearly empty when he was marked for death since that fateful day on Eshara?

Kylo delves back in for one last look; he will leave no stone unturned.

His victim's mind is a tattered, oozing mass of disjointed memories, a charred landscape of destroyed and mangled dreams and plans. There's barely anything left as Kylo digs. Kressin-Vryn has long since stopped screaming, no longer understanding what's happening to him.

Kylo scours the scarred consciousness and finds nothing new. This man had wanted to overthrow the First Order's control of Eshara because he wanted things to go back to how they were: a deeply divided society based on class and birth. It disgusts Kylo to think of all of their progress turned back, the robber-barons bleeding the people dry.

He wishes Rey could know of Kressin-Vryn's true motivation. This would help her understand why the First Order is _necessary_. Men and women like this abound in the galaxy, content to lounge on the backs of the poor, believing that they're somehow superior because of luck; rare is the person who truly reaches success on his own merits alone.

He isn't an entirely bad man, his love for his husband Uli was sincere and he had drawn much of the rage that propelled him forward from his loss. This Kylo understands. Not enough to stay his hand, not enough to kindle the compassion that Rey drew so easily from his soul, but it does cause him to hold the terrorist in slightly higher esteem.

Certain he's found everything, taken everything he can, Kylo withdraws from Kressin-Vryn's mind. He's holding him up by the shoulders, the man had lost the ability to stand nearly an hour ago. Kylo looks into his now empty black eyes and slack jaw.

"It will all be over soon, you will be executed for your crimes, you and your compatriots." There is a flicker of _something_ in those black eyes, but it's soon consumed by the abyss that Kylo has left in his mind.

"Natan, Wylan, bring him," Kylo orders as he lets Kressin-Vryn slump down to the ground. His knights stride forward and each take an arm. Kylo stalks through the alley, assured that his men will follow. He doesn't turn as he hears Jan Kressin-Vryn's quiet whimpers.

* * *

In the city center, Kylo regards the large group of prisoners gathered. There are men, women, and children of numerous species. Their eyes are large and full of fear. A few cry quietly and children cling to their parents. They are ringed by dozens of stormtroopers with their blasters pointed at the quivering mass of people. First Order information officers are recording everything, just as Kylo had ordered. The whole galaxy will see what happens when you defy him. He will leave the First Order strong, feared, and _obeyed_.

Kylo feels a wisp of sorrow that he won't be able to finish what Grandfather started, but he will just have to understand. Kylo can't continue functioning much longer, his mind is so close to cracking under the pressure of his grief. He just has to hold on a little while more, then he can be with her for an eternity in the Force. If he's lucky, she'll last long enough for him to rid Jakku of all who hurt her and find Qree. Then he can hold her as they pass into the next plane together. He doesn't want to take another breath once she breathes her last. He doesn't want to face living when she does not.

He continues to take in the faces of those responsible for taking Rey from him. His knights are scattered around the massive courtyard, Wylan and Natan are closest, still holding Kressin-Vryn. Kylo sees a clutch of small children looking around curiously. They're too young to understand the danger facing them. A girl looks right at him and he hisses in anguish as he recognizes one of the children from the school. His Rey had been so joyful as she'd played with this little girl and her friends. The buzzing at the back of his mind becomes a deafening howl. He'd not really intended to have children killed, they'd simply been rounded up with their families. Rey wouldn't want the children to die, or even witness this.

Kylo beckons for Captain Phasma who swiftly joins him, standing at attention.

"Captain Phasma."

"Supreme Leader, sir." He detects something like resentment in her tone, but he's not interested in puzzling out why Captain Phasma is displeased.

"Separate the children, have them taken somewhere safe … away from here, where they can't hear or see anything." Rey wouldn't want them to be frightened. He'll ensure they're all placed in good homes. He won't consign these children to lives without love, he'll make certain they receive the affection and attention that Rey never did. He'll entrust it to Vitok. She'll make sure to keep tabs on them after he's gone.

"Yes, sir," Phasma says and then she's ordering her troops to begin removing the children.

Until this moment, the prisoners had been almost docile, resigned to their fate. But then the stormtroopers are wading into the crowd and pulling children from their parents and the courtyard is filled with wails and screams. It's becoming chaotic and the troopers are beginning to resort to force to snatch the children away.

Vitok rushes forward, "Supreme Leader, what are you _doing_?"

"There is no need for the children to see this."

"See _what_?"

Kylo knows Vitok won't approve of his planned course of action so he tells her a half-truth. "The execution of Jan Kressin-Vryn. Even Rey would agree that the man responsible for all those deaths at the mine deserves to be punished for his crime."

Vitok pauses but nods. "She wouldn't like it, but yes, she would understand. But this, look, sir. The children are terrified. You have to do something, it's getting violent."

Vitok is right, it's descending into chaos and Kylo is impatient to have this done with. Just then a stormtrooper uses the butt of his blaster to bludgeon a man trying to keep his child with him so Kylo reaches out with the Force and freezes the entire group of prisoners. Their eyes snap wildly, but they are no longer able to fight. He sees tears leaking from some of their eyes and he finds himself shushing the Rey in his mind. Necessary, necessary, necessary.

Keeping them held firmly, he says to Vitok, "Is this acceptable?"

"I … yes, sir," Vitok answers. Her tone is sad but Kylo has no wish to push for why. Vitok has made today difficult enough already.

Once the children have been removed, he releases the prisoners and Kylo is able to focus on the true purpose of this mission. Giving Rey justice on Eshara is almost complete. Kylo grasps Kressin-Vryn's arm and roughly pulls him from Natan and Wylan's grip. He drags him in front of the crowd and silently scans the cowering prisoners.

One by one, the prisoners quiet and he can taste how their fear increases. Kylo waits until he's certain each and every member of Shar Faen and their loved ones are looking at him.

He pushes Kressin-Vryn forward and the destroyed man falls to his knees, his head hanging to the side. A bit of drool has escaped his mouth. Kylo knows that the once proud leader is gone in all the ways that matter; all that is left to dispense with is his shell.

"Shar Faen!" Kylo bellows. "See what happens when you oppose the First Order. There is no escape, there is nowhere to hide. Jan Kressin-Vryn made you believe you could do the impossible. See what happens to terrorists and traitors!"

With that he reaches out with the Force and lifts Kressin-Vryn high in the air. The prisoners gasp as Kylo slowly rotates his empty, broken body. Kylo lets this go on for several moments, the prisoners watch in horror and a few cling to each other. Kylo looks from being to being, some burn with controlled fury, others are breaking down in terror. Once he's sure that everyone has understood how their leader is utterly defeated he stops his turning.

"Hundreds of innocents died in the bombing of the mine. Beyond that, my consort was injured as a result of the blast. She is dying. Were she here, I'm certain she would counsel mercy. But, you see, she is _not_." The irony is exquisite and Kylo pushes away the memory of her pleading eyes. He knows she did not have the opportunity to agree to be his wife, but he knew no other word but consort to explain who they tore from him. He will be her vengeance, he will see this done. He had promised to protect her and he _failed_. This is the only course of action left to him.

He lowers Kressin-Vryn to the ground and holds him on his knees with his head bent forward. "There will be no mercy. Only retribution," he growls.

With no warning, Kylo ignites his saber and slices through Kressin-Vryn's neck and his head falls with a gruesome thunk and rolls forward. The rest of his lifeless body slumps to the ground. Kylo extinguishes his saber and clips it back to his belt.

There are a few screams, but mostly there is resigned silence as Shar Faen understands _precisely_ what their fate will be.

"Separate them, Shar Faen to the left, family members to the right," Kylo barks. Chaos breaks out again as couples embrace and kiss and siblings murmur their goodbyes. He glances at Vitok, who stands stiffly but says nothing.

The stormtroopers wade into the crowd and begin to pull the terrorists from their families. A few struggle, but Kylo raises his hand menacingly and the prisoners quiet, allowing themselves to be parted.

"Line up the family members, spouses first," Kylo orders.

True screaming begins then and the Shar Faen members swell towards their loved ones, pushing against the stormtroopers, trying to get to them. He hears shouts of "No," and "Please, she never knew." He doesn't care. This is right. They took Rey, it's only appropriate that they know a fraction of his grief. Besides, he's giving them the same fate that he has chosen. They will be together in death.

Two particularly large men break from the group and are running towards their wives. Kylo reaches out with the Force and snaps their necks before the stormtroopers are even able to aim their blasters. One of the women wails and falls to her knees; the other is stone and ice.

He's out of patience. He again uses the Force to freeze the prisoners where they stand.

"Shar Faen took the person who is beyond precious to me. You will all know that special brand of torment before you meet the Maker," Kylo promises. He looks at Captain Phasma. "Proceed."

The stormtroopers are raising their blasters when Vitok runs out between the weapons and the Shar Faen family members.

"Stop!" she yells.

Dammit, Vitok. All day she's been after him and fury crackles along his spine. Kylo strides over to her and hisses, "What do you think you are doing, Vitok Ren?" The stormtroopers lower their blasters.

"This is wrong, you can't do this, you can't!" she pleads through her mask.

He won't let Vitok stop him. He'll make sure that when Rey dies, all who have hurt her are gone. It's all he can do for her, now. He thought he would have a lifetime to show her his devotion, help her see the depth and breadth of his love. He was going to protect her, heal her … there's nothing left that he can give her, nothing left that he can _do_. There is only this act of vengeance. "They took her from me!" he snarls.

Vitok's shoulders fall and she slowly reaches up and takes off her helmet. Her deep brown eyes are full of despair. "No, Kylo, they didn't." Of course they did! Vitok has been by her bedside, she _knows_ that Rey is nearly gone from him.

"She's _dying_ because of what they did! This is justice!" he spits. His hands clench and unclench as he tries to keep himself from simply Force choking Vitok. He wants this day done. He doesn't know how much time he has until Rey is taken from him and he's desperate to whisper to her that he's at least rid the galaxy of anyone who hurt her, took from her, betrayed her.

"Justice? You think this is justice? These are innocent people!" Vitok gestures to the family members.

"No! They harbored criminals. If Rey is dying, they die too!" Rey is dying. Rey is dying. Rey is dying. All he can do is make others hurt the way he is. This is the best he can do to right the horrible wrong of losing his Rey.

"Rey wouldn't want this!"

Rey's endless hazel eyes call for him and he again feels the pressure of her begging voice. But he pushes the fluttering of her mercy down, deep under the dark. "I don't care! They've killed her, they die!" he yells.

"She'll _never_ forgive you for this." Vitok's voice is emphatic and his anger only grows at her interference. This is not open for discussion and debate. Rey is slipping away and he's running out of time.

Something inside him snaps and he advances on Vitok. "She doesn't have to, she's going to _die_ ," he growls. "I will have my vengeance, I will make them _pay_ for what they did to her!"

Vitok doesn't shrink from his looming form, craning her neck to keep looking at him. "I won't let you do this."

"Stand aside, Vitok, now," he orders.

"No."

"Vitok," he says warningly.

"This is wrong. I'll stop you," she says firmly.

" _Nothing_ can stop me, no power in the galaxy can stand between me and punishing Shar Faen. Now, _stand aside_ before you make me hurt you," he warns. He's beyond caring and he will use the Force on Vitok if he has to. The only thing that matters is wiping Shar Faen from the face of Eshara

"Do it, then. Hurt me. Kill me if you have to. If you really loved Rey-"

The sound of his hand connecting with her cheek as he backhands Vitok echoes throughout the courtyard. Vitok flies back from the force of the blow. She lands, hard, and sprawls out on the ground and her mask tumbles from her hand. She looks up at him with resigned disappointment.

Kylo stands completely still, his eyes transfixed on the small trickle of blood trailing from Vitok's split lip. Her eyes are full of hurt and it makes his stomach roil. He … he struck Vitok. He made her _bleed_. He … oh Maker, what would Rey think of him?

No one moves and Kylo can't seem to break from his trance. Vitok holds his eyes and he searches for understanding or forgiveness in their soulful brown depths but all there is is … pity.

He tries to speak, to find the words for his remorse. "I …" he trails off, finding he can think of nothing to say.

He tries to reach out, to help her from the ground, but she ignores his hand and struggles to her feet. She doesn't wipe her chin, allowing the blood to flow. It fills him with the sort of shame he hasn't felt since he was a child. "Vitok …"

She stands in front of him, straight and proud. "These people are innocent. She wouldn't want this. She wouldn't want _any_ of this." Her hands make a wide arc, indicating both the terrorists and their loved ones. Somehow she knows just where to look to find his eyes beneath his mask and her hard gaze never wavers. He can't look at her any longer and he lifts his face to the sky. It's a clear day, bright and blue and he thinks Rey would like it. Oh, Force … Rey …

Kylo's head falls forward and he focuses on the stones beneath his boots. The rage that has consumed him since he set foot on Eshara is dissipating and he sees himself through Rey's eyes. The slow realization of what she would think glides along his regret for striking Vitok. Gentle Rey would be _horrified_. He's tremendously confused and he can't form coherent thoughts. In a moment of frantic desperation he opens the Bond, hoping to find some contact, some _shred_ of sanity, but it's still all but empty and he feels as if someone is stripping the skin from his bones. He remembers the delicious warmth that used to flow between them, even when she kept it closed he could still feel her beguiling light. Stars, he's so cold ...

He closes the Bond, breathes, in deeply and finally looks back up. The stormtroopers all stand at the ready and both groups of prisoners are silently watching, waiting for their fate to be decided.

Vitok remains standing in front of him, her posture full of challenge. He closes his eyes and murmurs in almost defeat, "Release the families. Have the local authorities take the members of Shar Faen into custody for trial." His voice is so low it barely registers through his mask.

Her eyes flicker with compassion before they again grow hard. "Yes, Supreme Leader."

Kylo turns on his heel and sweeps from the courtyard. The only thing he knows to do is to go to his Rey. She's barely there any longer, but he needs her so badly

* * *

He feels like he's under water as he strides through the corridors of the _Finalizer_. His thoughts won't make sense and it's as if Eshara was some sort of dream … nightmare. He'd been so certain it was the right course of action, but now … Rey, he needs Rey. He's only ever made sense to himself with Rey.

* * *

Kes stands abruptly as he enters Rey's room, his mask and gloves already in his hands. "Sir, you're back,"

"Yes," he says flatly. He doesn't look at the former stormtrooper, he has eyes only for Rey. She looks so small on the efficient med bay bed. He stands at the foot and his eyes take in every detail of her form hungrily. If he'd only known what was coming, he would have spent their last morning together telling her with words and his body how utterly he adores her, how she is his reason and purpose. But he'd simply kissed her goodbye and gone to the bridge, not knowing he was forfeiting those precious hours.

Kes peers at him curiously. "Would you … would you like to be alone with her."

"Please," he says with the same lack of inflection.

"Alright, goodnight then."

"Goodnight," he says absently as he makes his way to Rey. He barely notices Kes slip from the room.

He places his mask and gloves on the small table then stands by her bed. The clarity he'd hoped for won't come.

"Oh, Rey …" he chokes out as he goes to his knees by her side. It's only been a day, and yet she's lost even more color. Her hair is beginning to lose its sheen and there's only the barest hint of the energy that flows between them as he lays his face on her abdomen, fisting her blanket. His hands open and close as he kneads at her bedding.

Was he wrong to do what he did? Is Vitok right? He feels like he's lost in a treacherous jungle, caught in the vines and twisted trees. He can't see his way through, stumbling blindly without her light to guide him. He feels powerless and numb, terribly young and terrifyingly alone. Alone. He'd spent his whole life alone, but once he'd known what it was to have her with him, the way she cast aside his solitude and gave everything meaning… Has he failed her again?

"I'm sorry, Rey … I'm sorry," he whimpers before breaking down into body wracking sobs. He quivers and gasps, gulping sounds torn from his throat. He can't remember ever weeping like this; he can't catch his breath and he can't see through the fat tears coursing down his cheeks. All he knows is he can't do this. It hurts too much and nothing makes it stop. He thought he'd known pain, he thought he'd found ways to cope. But destruction was only a temporary balm and his blade couldn't begin to touch this. He needs her hands in his hair and her lips on his. He needs her bright smile and compassionate eyes. He needs to feel her hold him _back_. He needs Rey.

"I'm lost, Rey. I'm so lost."

* * *

A/N: Thank you CharlotteCAgain for your speedy beta. You always get it back to me so quickly and I really appreciate it. These chapters have been particularly hard for me to write and you've done a tremendous job of holding my hand through the process. Thank you.

Thank you readers! I am again behind on writing back to reviews, but please know that it's only because of time, not because I don't treasure each and every one. Thank you all so much for continuing to support 'Thwarted'!


	50. Chapter 50

"I'm sorry, there's nothing else that we can do, sir," the senior medical officer's second informs Kylo the next morning with fear in her eyes. Ah, yes … his threat. Something else that Rey wouldn't like.

"Before … I … you needn't worry. None of your staff or their family members will face … reprisal," Kylo offers. He feels the hot sting of shame as he remembers how Vitok had reprimanded him for threatening Dr. Ahtlen's wife. Vitok had been trying all along and he … he can't really bring himself to think about it.

The doctor looks up swiftly, clearly unsure if she should believe him. "Sir?"

"You and your people have done the best that they could. I … I understand that."

"Oh ... well, thank you, sir," she says with obvious relief.

He turns away from the doctor and keeps his focus on Rey. "How much longer?" he murmurs.

"Days, I'm afraid, sir. Nothing we're doing seems to have any effect. Perhaps … the Force?"

"I know nothing of healing with the Force." He's never craved the light so much as in this moment. If he hadn't followed Snoke …

She nods sadly. "Yes, sir."

The doctor removes herself quietly.

He remembers all the Force-sensitives he'd killed after the fall of Skywalker's school and he almost laughs at how absurd the situation is. He _needs_ them now, but they're all gone, mostly by his hand. If he'd not allowed Snoke to wipe the minds of Luke's students … if he could reach Leia Organa ... He knows now that she had nothing to do with the events on Eshara … Perhaps …

"Would you come back if I brought Leia here?" He knows that … she … _his mother_ has always had an affinity for Force healing. Could that be the answer? Is it possible that he doesn't need to simply watch Rey die? Can he do this? Can he ask for her assistance?

In the end, there's no decision to make. "I'll do it, I'll ask her to come. Please, my love, hold on just a little longer."

He gathers her to him as best he can, avoiding the medical equipment. Her skin still feels soft and warm beneath his lips as he whispers a kiss against her cheek.

* * *

Hux blinks as he sees that Kylo has again forgotten his mask. The general straightens to his full height and Kylo senses barely controlled fury. What … oh, yes. He remembers then. Vitok. He'd hit Vitok. Of course _Armitage_ would wish to say something on the matter. Well, fine. He deserves it. He'll allow the ginger irritant his say. But only just this once.

"If we're going to do this, come into my office," Kylo mutters as he turns in retreat.

Hux follows and Kylo looks at him expectantly once the door is shut.

The general looks at his datapad before stiffly saying, "All of the members of Shar Faen are in local custody awaiting trial."

"And?"

Hux raises a brow. "And all that is required is your statement regarding your … interrogation of Jan Kressin-Vryn."

"Fine, yes, but don't you wish to … to … to say something to me?"

"About what, sir?" Hux asks with forced confusion.

"About Vitok!" Kylo nearly shouts.

"That is a matter for the Knights of Ren," he says coldly.

Kylo pales as he realizes all of his knights witnessed his treatment of Vitok. He'd sworn to himself he would never resort to Snoke's methods. Well, except perhaps for Wylan, but that's different.

"How …. How is she?" Kylo asks with genuine pleading in his tone.

"Vitok Ren has recovered from her … injury." Hux's pale eyes flash with real rage in that moment, but he's soon back to his normal, unflappable self.

"Good … I'm … I'm glad."

"Hmm. Was there anything else? Sir."

Kylo blinks in surprise. Surely Hux wishes to castigate him? But he soon recovers. "Yes … I wish to record a message to be broadcast on all frequencies."

Hux's eyes narrow. "To whom?"

"To General Organa … she … she may be able to help. With Rey," Kylo says quietly.

Hux's eyes widen. "All this time and-" he breathes in sharply. "Yes, sir. Record your message. I'll see that it's disseminated."

Kylo catches his eyes. "Thank you, General Hux."

Hux only stands at attention. "It is my duty, Supreme Leader." There is nothing but formality in his tone.

* * *

That night he holds her close. "Rey … I've asked … I've asked my mother to come. Remember how you told me she taught you to heal? I'm hoping that between the two of us we can bring you back. You just have to stay a little longer. Please, just hold on. Don't you want to see her again? I know you've missed her," he murmurs against her temple as he runs his fingers through her hair. "Just hold on, please, please hold on."

He wants to have hope. He wants to believe that this will work. That Leia Organa will arrive before it's too late. But he has no way of knowing if his message will even arrive. He has no idea how far away the Resistance is. It could take days for the transmission to reach them and _weeks_ for her to make the trip. If she'll even agree to his terms.

He'd promised her safe passage and that she would be free to leave. He hadn't wanted to go into many details about Rey's condition. He'd even promised that Skywalker could accompany her. Who knows, perhaps in his years of exile he's learned a thing or two about Force healing.

He huffs a laugh against her forehead. He can't believe he's been reduced to begging for help from his _relatives_. He's always telling Rey that he'll do anything for her and it would seem that it's true.

* * *

Kylo waits and watches, occasionally breaking down and talking to the beast, who is never far from her side. It's been just over two days since he begged his mother to come. There's been no response or sighting of the Resistance. He knew it was likely too soon, but he couldn't stop asking Hux for word. Eventually Hux had snapped that he would inform him immediately if there was anything to report and that he really didn't need to keep comming him.

He knows he should go and see Vitok, apologize … beg for her forgiveness, but he can't face her. It's as if another man had done that, he can't quite remember it properly. He _knows_ he did it, he knows he hit her hard enough to make her bleed, and yet he can't find the memory of _why_. The moment is lost to him and he's left with the knowledge that he's broken something dear to him. He remembers when she was a kind woman named Shree. Her hair had been darker then, not shot through with gray. She'd worn it short, just as she does now and she'd always made time for him.

Kylo scratches Preslan behind the ears and sighs. He really does destroy everything he touches.

* * *

He's in his office and has just finished his report on Kressin-Vryn. He'd put it off for a few days, not wanting to capture his actions in words. He knows the man deserved it and it had been necessary to find out everything the terrorist had known, but capturing his behavior in writing has left him feeling … ashamed. He can't find his usual sense that his actions had been right. It's as if he can only see himself through Rey's eyes, now.

He's clinging to the desperate hope that his mother will come and Rey will be alright, but if that comes to pass he will have to face Rey, admit to what he's done. He tries not to think about it. He's standing from his desk to stretch when his comm comes alive with Kes's frantic voice. He's seized with terror, Maker, no … not now, not when he was away from her.

"Sir, sir, you have to come-"

Just then _she_ beats against the Bond and he drops his shields immediately.

"-lo! Kylo!"

"Rey!" Force, it's her. She's _alive_ , awake! He can't even begin to think clearly. He's instantly overwhelmed with sensing her again after all this time.

"Where are you? The Bond, it was closed-"

"Rey, oh Rey," he sends into the Bond just as she opens it completely and envelopes him with her light. He tries to stand, to go to her, but his knees buckle and he sinks to the floor. Rey, blissful, beautiful Rey. She's here, she's here, _she's here_. He dives into her currents and gluts himself on the feeling of his beloved. She infuses every corner of his being with her warmth and he stays on his knees, just feeling her. Stars, he just wants to float in her, feed the starving hunger for her. He remembers the memories of Jakku that she's shared and now he understands precisely why she hides food. If he could wrap up bits of this feeling and hide them away, his quarters would be bursting with them.

"I'm here, I'm here." She winds around him and he feels her sadness and profound worry. "What … what happened to you?"

He shields his feelings and memories of the events on Eshara before sending, "You were dying … I thought I was going to lose you. It has been … very difficult."

"Please come, I need to touch you."

"Yes, my love, yes."

* * *

She's surrounded by doctors and Kes is hovering at the edge of the room. All activity stops when he reaches her door. For a moment he stands frozen, not really believing this is real. He drinks in the sight of her _open_ eyes and healthy pink cheeks. The doctors pull back and he finally wakes from his trance.

He's rushing to her and wrapping her in his arms in an instant. Preslan is dislodged from her lap with an indignant howl. Her hands come up and fist his hair and he whimpers as she again fills every aching, empty part of him with her warmth, her light, her _love_.

Into the Bond he desperately sends, "I love you Rey, I love you, I love you, I love you. "

"I know, I love you."

He buries his face at her neck, overwhelmed by feeling her again. The Bond leaps in joy and the hum of energy crackles where they touch. He chokes back tears and clutches her even closer.

He needs to understand how this is possible, but he doesn't want to let her go long enough to speak with the doctors. All that matters is she's _back_.

Maker she feels _incredible_. Just feeling _her_ again takes over all of his senses. She feels _right_. Her vitality pulses under his fingers, her essence weaves through him, her fingers thread through his hair and it's beyond pleasure. He's not sure he can ever let her go.

She begins to pull back and he growls, "No!" making the medical personnel jump.

"Kylo, the doctors aren't finished with me, I'm not going anywhere. You can do this."

"I really don't know that I can," he says into her hair.

Gently, she pulls his hands from around her back and he forces himself to let her go. Panic wells in his chest and for a horrific moment he thinks this is just a dream. But she holds his hands firmly and it brings him back. Oh Force, he feels her small fingers again laced with his, squeezing _back_ and reassuring him she's awake … alive.

He steps away, dropping one hand but keeping the other tightly in his grasp as he looms over her, allowing the doctors just barely enough room to do their work.

Dr. Ahtlen cautiously approaches her and resumes running a scan of some sort while Kylo's eyes burn into Rey's.

Through the Bond he utters, "I missed you so much. You have no idea. Could you hear me?"

"Sometimes, less as time went on. How long has it been?" she responds in kind.

"The longest 22 days of my life," he sends bleakly.

"Oh, Kylo. I can feel some of it, but you're hiding most of it, aren't you?"

"Yes," he responds simply, swallowing past the thickness in his throat. He knows he'll have to tell her, but not yet … Not yet.

"I hope you'll share yourself when you're ready. I'm not used to so much of you being closed off."

"In time. I … I didn't handle things … well. I don't want you to see me like that."

"I remember … the ring … a year since we … well …" She looks down at her left hand and gasps. "It's so beautiful! I hated not knowing, not being able to see what it looked like," she continues through the Bond.

"You don't mind … you don't mind wearing my ring?"

"No … I'm not sure what it means to me exactly, but I like how it feels on my hand."

"It means whatever you want it to mean. You know what I hope for."

"Yes. Yes I do."

They've been so caught up in each other and conversing through the Bond that they don't notice that the doctors have finished until they hear a gently cleared throat.

Kylo tears his eyes from Rey and looks at the senior medical officer. He's annoyed at being interrupted, but he also desperately wants to be alone with his beloved.

"Yes?" Kylo queries with a raised brow.

"She's in perfect health. We can't explain it. Frankly, it makes no sense."

"Does that mean I can leave?" Rey asks hopefully.

"We'd like to keep you overnight, just to make sure."

"Oh please, I'd like to be in my quarters."

Dr. Ahtlen looks at Kylo. "Well … I sup-"

"No. She will stay here," he says firmly.

"Kylo!"

"No, Rey … after Eshara they wanted to keep you overnight and I wouldn't let them. If I had … this never would have happened. If they want you to stay the night, you _will_ stay the night." She can get as angry as she likes. He's not taking any chances with her health. Never again.

Rey purses her lips but doesn't fight him further. "Will you at least stay with me?"

Kylo tilts his head and peers down at her. "I've stayed with you every night since you collapsed."

"You have? I … wasn't aware of much, just bits and pieces here and there. For a while I thought I might be in a bacta tank, everything was so fuzzy."

A sudden thought grips him. What if she doesn't remember about her mother? He looks at the time. Stars, she's due to arrive in less than an hour. He has to get her alone so he can explain, he'll press the doctors further about her mysterious recovery later, right now he doesn't really care; she's back!

Dr. Ahtlen stands awkwardly, waiting to be dismissed. "Dr. Ahtlen, we'll discuss her recovery at a later time. Leave us."

"Yes, sir," he says as he removes himself, leaving only Rey, Kylo and Kes.

Preslan leaps back up on her bed and haughtily curls himself into a ball next to her hip. She strokes him and smiles. "I missed you too, my sweet boy," she says fondly. She catches Kylo's eyes. "Thank you for bringing him."

Kes has stayed away from the activity and Rey reaches out her free hand to her friend. Kes rushes forward and takes it.

"I'm so glad you're alright," Kes breathes out, then she looks at Kylo. "But I think you would both rather have some time alone?"

Rey blushes slightly. "Yes … thank you, Kes. I'll see you soon."

"Kes," Kylo stops her. Perhaps he can avoid having to confront the issue of Lann Tren just yet.

"Yes?"

"If you would be so kind as to ensure we aren't disturbed, I would appreciate it," he says holding her eyes meaningfully. He hopes that Kes perceives that he needs her to stop Lann Tren from arriving at the appointed hour.

Kes's eyes widen slightly in confusion but then he sees understanding bloom on her face. She nods slightly. "Of course. I'll see to it."

"Thank you," he responds.

Then, they're finally alone. He's still holding her hand and he turns, seating himself on the edge of her bed, facing her. He's instantly lost in her eyes. Force he's missed her eyes. They sparkle and glow and he thinks he could simply look at her like this for an eternity. He's brimming with all the things he wants to say, to ask, but all he can do is watch her, try and find it in himself to believe that she's really awake. It's too good to be true. Just this morning everything had seemed so bleak. It's almost as if she's come back from the dead.

The time for speaking passes as they continue to consume each other with their eyes. Rey, too, seems to need to look at him. Time moved differently for her, he's sure, but she seems to be as affected as he is.

She blinks and slowly raises her hand to his face. Tentatively, her delicate fingers trace his jaw, as if she's relearning him. He shudders from the contact. It's been _so long_ since she's touched him. Sparks dance along his skin as her fingertips skim along his face. She tilts her head in an almost curious way and her eyes are intensely focused on him.

He wants to kiss her, badly, but he finds he feels almost too shy to instigate such intimacy. She takes the choice from him when she leans forward and time slows as she softly kisses him. Pure sensation takes him over and before he truly accepts that he's feeling her lips again, they're hungrily devouring each other. It's instinctual and her mouth is perfect as he tastes and sips at her lips. Their tongues slide together and the heat is building quickly.

She tries to pull him back onto her, when he places his hands on her shoulders and pushes her slightly away as he ends their passionate clutch.

"Kylo?" she asks in confusion.

"You've only just woken up from a _coma_ , Rey. I won't … I won't just take you in your hospital bed." Much as his body is screaming at him to do just that.

"But I've missed you. I need you." There's a plaintiveness in her tone that calls to him, but he refuses to allow himself to give in to the clamoring of the Bond. She could still be fragile and it simply isn't worth the risk.

"I've missed you more than I think you could ever understand, but we still don't know what happened. I don't even know how you woke up."

"I don't either. I just … I just did. Kes was asleep. She nearly fell out of her chair when I called out to her, then the doctors rushed in. I reached out to you, but you were blocking me." She frowns slightly.

"No … I …. I kept the Bond closed after a while." The hollowness was unbearable.

"But why?"

"It hurt. Feeling you not there. It was nothing like how it feels when you keep your walls up. You're still there, all the time. But … you felt _wrong_. It was worse than emptiness. I … I just …" He looks away, unable to convey what it did to him to have her fading away.

She shifts and rises to her knees and wraps her arms around him, pulling his head against her breast. "I'm so sorry that you went through that."

"I thought you were going to die. I … I was prepared to go with you." She's so warm and soft. He nuzzles against her.

Rey gasps and pulls back to look down into his face. "No … oh Kylo, no."

"Yes. I discovered something while you were … gone. I refuse to live without you. I … I _can't_ live without you."

"Don't say that, please, don't say tha-"

"No! You don't understand. I nearly went mad. I think maybe I actually did for a while there. And that was just when you were unconscious. I can't imagine the pain if you were actually _truly_ gone. You'll just have to accept this. Besides, it doesn't matter now. You're here, you're back."

He runs his hands along her arms, needing to reassure himself that she's solid and responsive beneath his fingers. Rey still looks troubled but she finally softens and again pulls him to her. He hums contentedly against her as she strokes his hair. Rey, Rey, Rey.

He pushes away the knowledge that he'll have to admit to his actions on Eshara.

* * *

She'd coaxed him to lay down with her and they've spent hours simply touching and caressing. She's always sensed what he needs most, and this slow reacquainting is mending his badly battered heart. Right now they're on their sides, with her back to his front and he's deliriously happy to have her again tucked in close. Each sigh, each movement is treasured and catalogued, hoarded greedily. Then her stomach growls and she blushes. He realizes she hasn't eaten a proper meal since she first collapsed.

"Darling, I'm sorry, I should have thought. Of course you must be famished."

"Well, it _has_ been a while," she says ruefully.

It takes him a moment to gather together the will to untangle himself from her, but he manages it. He requests assistance from the staff and soon a medic nervously enters the room.

"Yes, sir?"

"She's hungry. What would be appropriate for her to eat?"

"Uh, there's a medically prescribed diet for her, I'll have it brought now? If-if that's alright. Sir," the trembling woman offers.

"Yes, that is acceptable. You are dismissed."

"Yes, sir," she says as she quickly quits the room.

Rey is watching with a knitted brow. "Why was she so afraid?"

Because he'd threatened to kill her closest family member and those of all of her colleagues. But he's not ready to admit that to Rey. "Some of the personnel find me intimidating," he says vaguely.

Rey snorts. "Well, I can't imagine why." She smiles at him with a lopsided grin that makes him want to kiss her and never stop.

* * *

Rey is eating her bland food with enthusiasm while Kylo looks at it skeptically. Surely they could have given her something better than this?

"What is it?" she asks.

"That does not look … appetizing."

"It's food, that's all that matters. Anyway, the medic said I would get sick if I ate anything richer. Now, tell me what's happened while I was … asleep. How's Vitok? I'm actually surprised she hasn't come to see me yet." A strange sadness flits through her eyes.

"She was with you every day. I'm sure she's just giving us time together." Or she has no wish to be in the same room as him. He suppresses a flinch.

"Oh. Well that's nice of her. But I've been unconscious for almost a month, it feels … strange not to know. Tell me something about what's happened?"

Now is the time to explain about Lann Trenn, he knows it is. But he just wants to stay in this bubble with her and avoid anything difficult. He's missed her so much and he needs her desperately. Tomorrow. He'll tell her everything tomorrow.

"I have been focused entirely on you and your recovery," he finally offers. His eyes close involuntarily, remembering how he'd lost himself so utterly.

She stills and reaches out for his hand. "I'm alright. I'm here."

"I know … I know … I just … I can't explain what it was like. I truly believed I was going to lose you and that there was nothing I could _do_." He remembers his message to his mother and he realizes that's something else he needs to tell her. Just not now. He will … in time.

* * *

He startles awake in the middle of the night, Rey pressed close against him, sleeping peacefully. But it's too similar to when she was gone from him and he shakes her awake in a panic. "Rey!"

"Huh, wha- what is it? Is something wrong?" she asks sleepily.

His heart starts to slow down but he's still breathing quickly. "I just … I needed to know you were still … here."

She shifts in his arms until she's facing him. Her eyes are hard to make out in the dim light, but he sees concern and love. "I can't imagine what it must have been like. I … if I had to watch you slipping away … I understand. At least I think I do. I remember how frantic I was when you … when I thought you might die. I'm here. The doctors all say that I'm in excellent health. You don't need to worry, I'm right here." She puts her hand on his heart and the signs of panic are receding.

He still doesn't know why she's healed so thoroughly or how she woke up, but he's so grateful that he doesn't find a need to solve the mystery.

Rey looks into his eyes. "You seem … you seem haunted."

He huffs out a mirthless laugh. Haunted is actually quite apt. "I am. You … I know you say you understand, but I don't think you can."

"Then show me, let me in."

He shakes his head. "No … it's too much. Just let me feel you, let me hold you. That's all I need."

She raises a brow. "That's _all_ you need?"

He smiles a bit. "No …. that is _not_ all I need. But it's all I'm willing to take until I return you to your rooms tomorrow."

She wriggles against him provocatively and, oh, it _does_ things to him, but he's firm in his conviction. "Rey …"

"Oh, alright. But I'm going back to my quarters first thing in the morning and you, you're taking the day off."

Her expression is wickedness itself and he nods enthusiastically. "I don't intend to let you out of bed for _days_ ," he growls as he nips at her lips.

She kisses him deeply then moves her mouth to his ear. "Good," she whispers.

It all crashes in on him at once and he crushes her to him as she lets out a startled squeak.

"Maker, Rey, I love you so much," he says into her hair, holding her as tightly as he can. "Never leave me again."

"I won't, I promise. I love you."

"Thank you, oh stars, thank you." He's not sure if he's thanking Rey, the Maker, the galaxy, the Force … he just knows that she's come back to him and he's never letting her go again.

Ever.

* * *

A/N: Thank you to my marvelous beta, CharlotteCAgain, who finished her amazing story, Commemoration. I highly recommend it!

Thank you Mr. Downing, who absolutely outdid himself this past Friday. It was the one-year anniversary of when I first started posting fanfic. He reached out to Juulna who reached out to MissHarper who in turn reached out to the Reylo fam. They put together a 26-page document full of well-wishes, poetry, art/graphics, and a one-shot. I'm still stunned. Then to top it all off, he had my first fic, 'He Knows He Needs to Stop' bound so that I could hold my first 'book' in my hands. Thank you Mr. Downing, Juulna, MissHarper and everyone for such kindness. Thank you.

Thank you readers! This last few days have been completely overwhelming. So many of you have congratulated me on my first year of writing and I suspect you must be a bit sick of me. :) However, not everyone is on tumblr, so I want to thank you all for your amazing support of my writing. Thank you so much for giving your time to my work. I am grateful and humbled.

P.S. I am again behind in responding to reviews, that will be rectified today. My sincere apologies.


	51. Chapter 51

He has her back pressed against her door as soon as the durasteel slides shut. He's kissing her deeply, _hungrily_ , as his hands disappear under her skirt. He smooths his fingers along the silken skin of her thighs and he grasps her firmly, holding her against his throbbing, aching length. Being able to touch her like this has him completely in her thrall.

Kylo slides his hands further up her thighs until his large hands cup her luscious, bare bottom and he lifts her as her legs wrap around his waist. He forcefully grinds his painfully hard cock against her, and Maker, she feels _glorious_.

His restraint has been waning steadily since she'd woken him by stroking him through his trousers. His little minx has been teasing him since then. Making sure to brush against him just so, holding his eyes as she'd changed from her hospital gown into the dress Kes brought. She'd taken her time too, making sure he saw _all_ of her.

He's been at least partially hard for hours and, stars, he _needs_ her.

She moans into his mouth and writhes against him. He'd already known she's not wearing anything under her dress because she'd actually tucked the bits of lace into his belt instead of don them. It had taken all of his control to keep him from throwing her down on her med bay bed and she'd _known_ it.

"Please," she begs as she rolls her hips. He groans helplessly. He wants to take his time, but she's making that impossible.

He tries to slow down, holding his forehead against hers, panting harshly. "Rey, you're _killing_ me."

"Then let go, stop trying to control this. I want you, I need you. I want to feel you deep inside me."

He whimpers in need and she pulls him closer with her lithe legs. He can feel how hot she is through his trousers.

"I missed you so much. Force, Rey I never thought I'd feel you like this again," he moans as she keeps drawing herself against his hardness.

"Then feel me, please Kylo, you've made me wait long enough." Her pupils are huge with desire and oh how he wants to give her what she wants.

Kylo had imagined long, slow lovemaking if she'd come back to him. But she's frantically rubbing herself against his erection and he's instinctively meeting each undulation of her hips. He can't take much more of this.

"Please," she begs.

He growls his surrender and reaches between them, freeing himself. Her dress is already bunched up around her middle. He captures her eyes and he sheaths himself within her in one swift movement. Only after he's buried deep in her core does he realize he hadn't prepared her at all. The Bond is flowing and his eyes snap to hers.

"I've been ready for you since last night. Now stop thinking and take me dammit."

"Anything you want. _Everything_ you want," he purrs as he pulls back and thrusts into her, causing her to ride up the door.

"Yes," she hisses.

How could he have forgotten how perfect she feels? She's so vibrant and blessedly responsive as he drives home. Maker, he won't last long.

"Good, I want you out of control," she pants.

He sets a punishing rhythm, his eyes searing into hers. She's so open to him and he's soaring, diving, reveling in all of her. She's burning away the anguish with her body and her soul. He can't believe he almost lost her.

"Oh Force you make me feel so alive!" she howls. He loves how loud she gets. Her sounds of pleasure probably echo down the corridor.

He keeps her trapped in his gaze and her face is contorted in ecstasy. Her eyes grow wide and he feels her surprise as her orgasm comes on her fast. Her pleasure twines with his and now he's the one to start shouting. Holy hell she feels so impossibly good. He'll never get enough of the feeling of her walls shuddering around him.

She's holding onto him for dear life when she steals her eyes from him, clenching them shut as another wave overtakes her.

"No! Look at me," he demands.

She immediately complies and he falls into her eyes' hazel depths. He continues to push into her frantically, he is complete, he is whole, now that he is within her.

It only takes a few more thrusts and he's calling out her name, shuddering as he spends himself inside her. This blissful moment, where all that there is is Rey and her love, holds him close. Her eyes are round and her lips parted. The aftershocks of his release are receding and he's beginning to think clearly again.

He realizes he has her pinned against her door, her dress askew, his trousers now hanging awkwardly, and he flinches in shame. He'd meant to undress her slowly, rediscover her treasures one by one. Instead he'd taken her against the door, like some sort of animal. He might as well have bent her over, for all the respect he's shown her.

Rey frowns. "Stop that. We have all the time in the world for slow. I needed you now. I wanted this. I begged for it." She pushes him away from her gently as he slips from her and she finds her feet again. "Carry me to bed like I know you wanted to."

He pauses, looking down on her before realizing she's quite sincere. He sweeps her into his arms and holds her for a moment, simply looking at her beloved face.

"Now we'll be able to concentrate," she says with a knowing smile.

He smirks and does as he's told, carrying her off to bed.

* * *

He helps her from her wrinkled dress and shucks his own clothing quickly while she toes off her shoes. He rather liked her in just her low heels. It gives him _ideas_.

Rey comes up to him and wraps her arms around him and he gasps at the feel of her naked body against his.

"I missed this," he rasps.

"Me too," she says as she pulls him towards her bed. Soon they're wrapped around each other and he's really not sure how he's going to find it in himself to leave her for the bridge tomorrow morning. Perhaps he'll inform Hux he'll require more time. He _did_ tell her he'd keep her in bed for days …

Kylo begins to kiss her languidly, enjoying how good she feels. He's missed everything about her, but he thinks it might be kissing her he's missed the most. Perhaps it's because he's only ever shared it with her, he's not sure. All he knows is that it feels beyond intimate to capture her lips with his.

She pulls from him and he panics, but then she's shifting and resting her head against his chest. Holding her close like this, feeling all of that amazing, soft skin, it beats back the desperate fear of losing her.

Rey trails her fingers along his bare chest, and he's lost in the beautiful sensation of her touching him. He's missed every single little thing about her, from the feel of her hands to the sound of her sighs. "Oh, Rey ...I was so scared."

"I'm here. Right here."

"I can't go through that again. I just … I can't," he says as he nuzzles her crown.

"I know. You won't." She places her palm against his heart and he feels as the energy flows between them, just as it's meant to. She's truly here and a bit more of his fractured soul is healed.

"Tell me more about what happened while I was … away."

He stills. There's no way he's sharing what happened on Eshara right now. He knows she'll be angry. Instead he decides it's time to tell her about Lann Tren.

"Well … I did have to make some decisions while you were … unavailable. I hope you won't be upset."

She shifts and looks up at him. "What sorts of decisions?"

"Do you … do you remember about your mother?" She nods. "I … had her brought here."

Rey sits up quickly and angles her body to look at him. "My mother? She's here?" Her sudden absence feels like a rip along his heart.

He holds her eyes steadily. "Yes. She's here."

She begins to tremble. "Oh Force," she whispers. Her eyes fill with fear and a hope he knows will likely go unfulfilled.

"I had hoped that having her sit with you might have helped bring you back."

"I thought I was dreaming that … I remember bits and pieces."

"She visited with you every day."

"She did?" He face brightens and he realizes he's made it sound as if Lann Tren has had some sort of maternal inclination.

"Wait, please … I don't want you to get the wrong idea. She didn't do it on her own. I …" He looks away. This will hurt her. He takes Rey's hand. "I made a bargain with her."

Rey blinks rapidly. "Bargain?"

"She's still addicted to spice. I arranged with her that she would receive spice in return for sitting with you."

"You … you _bribed_ my mother? To spend time with me?" Pain lances across her face and she pulls her hand away.

He makes a fist to keep from snatching her hand back. He sees immediately how wrong he was to do that, how he's made a horribly difficult situation that much worse.

"I never … I didn't know what else to do … nothing was working. She was here, I thought … I thought it might help," he offers, knowing how hollow his excuses sound.

"What if I'd known she was there?! I would have woken up thinking she wanted me and …" For a moment he'd been almost relieved by her fire, but she's already shrinking into herself and looking anywhere but him.

"I know, I'm sorry. I was desperate; I was willing to do anything." Just like he's willing to do anything for her to just settle back in his arms.

"Even hold Lann Tren hostage with her addiction, make her pretend to care?" she asks sarcastically.

"Yes! Dammit, yes. I was _losing_ you!" He sits up, matching her tense body language.

"You had no right," she says lowly.

Right? _Right_? She's his! "I had every right! You were dying! There's _nothing_ I wouldn't do to save you."

"So you thought, what, making my mother pretend to care would bring me back?"

"I hoped."

"Then where's Leia? She was far more a mother to me than Lann Tren ever has been," she spits.

He holds her eyes then lets out a slow breath before quietly saying, "I tried."

That takes the heat from her in an instant. "What?" she breathes out.

"Remember, we have no idea where the Resistance is. I sent out a message to the whole galaxy begging for Leia Organa to come. I promised her safe passage and that she would be free to leave at any time. She never responded."

Rey's brows knit and her expression grows even more wounded.

"She never responded?"

"For all I know, she never even received it. We had to broadcast on all frequencies because all other channels were lost when the Resistance disappeared." He's certain the generals have all sorts of thoughts on the subject.

"Oh."

"I only sent it a few days ago, she might get it still. But it doesn't matter now."

"Of course it does! You have to let her come. If she responds. Please, _please_ let her come," Rey pleads as she puts her hands on his chest, leaning close.

It's his turn to pull away. "I … don't know about that." It was one thing when Rey was dying, but another matter entirely now that she's awake. He can't exactly play host to the leader of the primary terrorist organization of the galaxy without a very good reason. The First Order is slowly accepting the Supreme Leader's lady, but they wouldn't understand _this_.

"Kylo, please. You could … you could try to make peace. Sit down with her, find an end to this war." She's gleaming with hope, but she's being exceptionally naive.

"No, that's not going to happen," he says with finality.

"But, surely there's a solution." She's bright with excitement.

"The solution is that she stops her ridiculous crusade!" he snarls.

Rey startles then glares at him. "She wants freedom and democracy. It's not a ridiculous crusade!"

He scrubs his face with his hands in frustration. "Rey, you don't understa-"

"No! It's you who doesn't understand! You have all this power and you squander it!"

It's suddenly all too much for him. Just yesterday he thought she was going to _die_ and here they are, _fighting_. She's not in his arms and he finds he just wants to curl in a ball and cry. How does she always _do_ this to him? He hangs his head and doesn't say anything. He needs her, so badly, but the conflict is back and he can't _bear_ it. He concentrates on breathing in and out, refusing to shed one more tear, not after they'd flowed so freely at her sickbed.

He keeps his face averted and the silence stretches. Finally he feels her tentative fingertips on his hand.

"Kylo?" He just shakes his head slightly and keep staring down at the sheet covering his nakedness.

"Kylo?" she prods, now with real worry in her tone.

"Kylo, please …" Now she's wrapping her arms around him and kissing his cheek. "What is it?" she murmurs.

Oh, she's back, she's back. He gathers her close and hides his face against her neck.

"You're scaring me," she says.

He takes in a shuddering breath. "I don't mean to scare you. I just … I only just got you back and we're fighting and … and … and _I can't,"_ he admits.

Rey holds him tightly. "I didn't think. For me, it's not been nearly so much time. I can only imagine what it must have been like for you."

He nods against her but doesn't say anything.

"Just … if she responds … let her come?"

He sighs. "Alright, Rey." He supposes he can just Force choke the generals who take issue with it.

* * *

They'd shared a light meal of fruit and cheeses, happily feeding each other. It had been simple and filled with quiet joy. She seems to understand that he needs her close and had spent most of their dinner sitting on his lap.

They'd never bothered dressing, wandering around in sheets or just naked. He's never been so at ease.

She walks past him, perfect in her bare form. He snatches her around the waist and he pulls her close. He has to work to keep his eyes from closing in the absolute bliss of feeling her, warm and near, but he doesn't want to miss even a moment of looking at her. She peers down at him with affection and acceptance and he catches her nipple in his mouth. He suckles at her gently, then he increases his attentions. She begins to moan and then she grasps his head and urges him to increase his suction. Her breasts are absolute perfection and he enjoys the feeling of her tightened flesh beneath his tongue.

* * *

He loves it when she does this. She's riding him hard and holding his eyes with hers. Her hands slide along his chest as she grasps at him for purchase. There's something about how she always knows just how to lift her body and drive down onto him that makes his toes curl. He digs his heels into her bed and tries to hold onto her hips as she wrings every last bit of pleasure from his body. Force, how does she know exactly what to do? Maybe it's the Bond, maybe it's destiny, but all he knows is she was _made_ for him.

She's begun to whimper and her eyes are losing their focus. She's close, damn, she's so close. She's clenching down around him and suddenly he needs to have her as close as he can. He sits up quickly, pulling a startled "Oh" from her throat.

He confuses her until he's buried deep inside her again, her legs wrapped around him as they sit facing each other. For one profound moment they hold each other's eyes while they're as connected in body as they are in soul. His hand moves to her face, gliding across her cheek as he pushes her hair back.

Her name falls from his lips like a prayer, whispered and sacred. She tightens her legs around him and soon they're moving again. Maker, Maker, Maker, how can she … thought is lost and he just _feels_. He's surrounded by her, both in body and spirit and all that there is is _Rey_ …

Movement, heat, give, take, lost, found. Rey, Rey, Rey …

Please. Mine. Yours. Always. Now. She pulls him into her consciousness and all boundaries are lost.

"I love you," she whispers across the Bond.

"Oh, Rey … you know, you have to know …"

"Yes, I feel it, through me, in me, yes. You love me. Oh, how you love me."

"Yes," he accepts across their connection.

Then it's time, she's slick and perfect and holding him in her mind as she holds him with her body. There is no sense of who has found release first as their eyes form the deepest of connections. All that there is is pleasure, acceptance, and release, oh stars, such white-hot release. He calls, she moans, they create a cacophony of pleasure as they thrust and push, hold and grasp. Oh Maker. You. Me. Rey. Kylo. Ben …

He shouts his final pulse and she whimpers through her last wave and soon they're just panting.

They pull back slightly. His perspective is fuzzy, he sees her eyes, but he also sees his, and they meld into a deep, warm brown with glinting green highlights. He can't really perceive anything other than the warmth of her skin and the absolute certainty that he'll only ever be home with Rey.

Eventually their minds separate and it leaves him feeling alone and vacant. Then he feels the Bond bloom within him and her voice is in his head. "No, my love. I will always be here. I will always fill you as you fill me."

His arms tighten around her and he sends through the Bond, "You are all that I am, all that I can ever hope to be."

"No …"

"No? Oh, beloved … you have no idea, no idea at all. All that there is is you. Only you. Only ever you."

"I'm nobody …"

He inhales sharply and holds her face with both his hands, making sure she's looking at him. "You are _everything_."

She tilts her forehead against his and he sees the smallest of smiles. "Everything?" she asks through their Bond.

"Everything."

* * *

A/N: Thank you to my marvelous beta, CharlotteCAgain, who put up with me sending her this chapter last night and still got it beta'd!

Thank you readers! You keep me going, you really do. I owe you an apology, I've been quite late in responding to reviews these past couple of weeks as work has been quite busy (many late nights at the office). I hope it will get better soon. Please don't think that I'm ignoring them or they don't matter to me. Nothing could be further from the truth.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT  
I have one printed and bound copy of my first fic, 'He Knows He Needs to Stop' that needs a good home. I will be holding a drawing in the next couple of weeks in order to find said good home. I'll be posting on tumblr and anyone who likes the post will be added to the list. If you don't have tumblr, please indicate in the reviews here that you're interested or email me at pdowning at zandalee dot com.


	52. Chapter 52

So good. Warm, wet tightness envelopes his cock and his hips move in time with the blissful sensation. Something firm swirls along his length and he sighs, coming slowly awake.

Wait. Rey. She's not held tightly to his side. Where's Rey! His eyes fly open in panic and he sits up quickly only to be greeted by the delectable sight of Rey sliding her lips down his erection. Oh. Oh!

Kylo feels a slight push with the Force and he realizes she's encouraging him to lay back down. She continues to bob her head up and down and he lets himself drift in her generous ministrations.

He tries to discern where her lips end and her hand begins, but it's all just glorious. He tangles his fingers in her hair loosely, but doesn't push her down.

She confuses him when she pulls her hand away, then, Force! She widens her mouth and takes all of him until he feels himself hit the back of her throat. He's suddenly worried he'll choke her.

"Shhh … stop thinking so much. Just _let go_ ," comes through the Bond.

She again engulfs him to the hilt and his guttural moan fills the quiet morning. He feels her smile as her lips curve against him.

Her hot mouth works him swiftly to the precipice and his other hand joins the first, his fingers stroking through her beautiful hair. She hums in contentment and the vibration shivers along his length.

She grasps his balls and rolls them in her hand, adding to the rising tension. He knows he's going to come soon and he has to fight himself to keep from pulling her away.

Rey has made it _abundantly_ clear that when she pleasures him like this she _will_ enjoy it all and stars, coming in her mouth always leaves him in awe. It makes him feel possessive and strangely proud. It's a level of acceptance he can't quite fathom. From Rey this is a _gift_.

There, right damn there. She's sensing through the Bond, increasing the pressure at just the right moment and he can't keep from bucking up. But she still manages to time her downward stroke so that she's taking his entire length as he floods her mouth with his release. He _feels_ as she swallows it down. Oh Maker, has any man been so blessed?

He pants quietly, his mind still foggy from sleep and his limbs languid with the lingering effect of his orgasm. She drags herself up his body and rests her head on his chest. His arms automatically circle her in his embrace and he kisses the top of her head.

She stays quiet as he recovers. Finally he murmurs, "Thank you."

"Mmm hmm."

"No … thank you. You … you don't understand what it means to me that you want to do that."

She goes up on her elbow and looks down on him. "What do you mean? It's not like you haven't experienced it before. You … with the others." She looks away.

He's seized with the fear that she's trying to prove something. He's about to ask when she shakes her head.

"No, I really _do_ like it. But I will admit I've assumed it's not so different." She shrugs, but it seems anything but casual.

He cups her face with his hand and draws his thumb along her bottom lip. Her eyes hold a whisper of insecurity but she presses back against his fingers. "Trust me. It's night and day. They … it was … clinical. You … you _want_ to, _for_ me."

She frowns slightly and says, "Of course I do."

He runs his fingers along her cheek. "Yes my love, I know. I can feel it. Now," he says as he grabs her and flips her on her back. "It's my turn." He grins at her wickedly before kissing her deeply as she giggles.

Kylo pulls from her perfect lips and begins to suck and nibble his way down her body. He'd already feasted on her twice last night, but he's not giving up the chance to do so again before he must leave her for the day.

"You really don't need to reciprocate. Sometimes it's nice to just give," she sighs as she cards her fingers through his hair.

He returns to hover over her face, holding her eyes intensely. "That may be true, my dear, but it's nearly time for breakfast, and I'm _hungry_."

* * *

Kylo angrily shuts off his comm. This is the third time Hux has interrupted them. Yes, he was supposed to be on the bridge hours ago, but he can't bear to leave her. They'd gotten dressed then he'd undressed her again and now they're tangled together, sweaty and naked. He just can't stop touching her.

"I think he might show up here if you don't go soon."

"I'll just Force push him out the door," he grumbles.

"Kylo … " she admonishes. "Besides, it's nearly lunch and Kes will be here with Preslan shortly. I'm not sure she would recover from seeing you in all your glory, given that she's still not really used to you without your mask."

"I don't want to leave you," he whines against her shoulder while stroking his fingers along her belly."

"It will only be a few hours. I _would_ like to spend time with Kes."

Fear shoots up his spine. What if Kes tells her about Eshara? He needs to speak with Kes before she arrives. Tonight. He'll tell Rey everything tonight.

He's going to have to get ready quickly if he's going to catch Kes in time.

"I suppose you're right," he groans, pulling himself from her delectable body.

Tonight. Yes. Tonight.

* * *

He'd intercepted Kes in time and instructed her to tell Rey nothing about the events on Eshara. She'd seemed extremely uncomfortable but had agreed.

Now he's attempting to focus on a rambling complaint from General Jehan. How had Demyan put up with the zealous general?

Fine, yes, it _is_ strange to offer Leia Organa safe passage, yes things have been changing, but the way she rants, you'd think he'd disbanded the First Order and ceded their territory to the Ewoks!

He tosses the datapad down on his desk as he rises. He runs his fingers through his hair and decides to walk the bridge.

He's just finished his first circuit when Rey bursts in.

"You!" she hisses. She's wearing her usual tunic and leggings. He's thrilled to see her, but she's obviously angry and he's instantly concerned.

"Rey! What are you doing here?"

"You hit Vitok!" she loudly accuses as every officer turns to watch. Hux looks on, his posture stiff but his expression oddly smug.

"I …" Force, _who told her_?

"How could you? How _could_ you?"

Kylo has to get control of the situation. Now. They can't do this in front of the crew. "Rey," he says gently, "let's go back to your rooms and talk."

"I'm not going anywhere with _you_ until you explain why Vitok has your hand print across her face," she snarls.

Vitok is still bruised? How … how hard had he hit her? He should have gone to her already, apologized … he just couldn't face her.

"Then come to my office, please. _Please_ ," he entreats.

Her face is twisted with fury and she's breathing heavily. Eventually she snaps, "Fine."

He holds his hand out to her and she just looks at it for a moment then stalks past him into his office. He follows her quietly, dread and regret coiling in his belly.

He shuts the door and she stands facing him with her arms crossed. She hasn't looked at him like this in a long time and it scrapes along his heart to see the familiar hatred in her lovely eyes.

"You hit Vitok." She stares at him unblinkingly.

"Yes." There's no use denying it. He had planned on telling her everything anyway. "What else do you know?"

" _Nothing_. Vitok wouldn't tell me. She wouldn't even tell me who hurt her, but I guessed when she refused to say anything. Her reaction told me it was you."

He closes his eyes briefly. Vitok had shown him loyalty even after he'd struck her like that.

"I … I wasn't in my right mind. You were _dying_ , Rey. You can't know what it was like, watching you leave me by inches, every day!" He's only had her back for two days and he's realizing he might lose her for good over this.

"That's no excuse for hurting her. The whole right side of her face is mottled purple. _You_ did that," she asserts with venom.

"I know," he says miserably, remembering Vitok's disappointed eyes looking up at him from the ground.

"What the hell happened while I was … away? What would make you hit _Vitok_?" For the first time she's not just fire, she seems like she truly wants to understand. That she knows it's out of his character to hurt one of the very small number he cares about gives him a shred of hope that maybe, just _maybe_ , she will be able to understand why he did what he did.

He lets out a slow breath. "Eshara. I blamed the bombers of the mine for your condition."

Her eyes narrow. "What did you _do_ , Kylo."

He looks at the flooring. "The investigation was stalled. I handled it. Personally." His hands flex as he chances a glance at her face. It's full of apprehension and stormy anger.

"What does that mean, exactly?" she asks shortly.

How can he explain Eshara? He's not even certain he knows himself why he acted as he did. "I interrogated people within the organization responsible, Shar Faen. I found their leader." He looks away. "I executed him," he says lowly.

She gasps. "You _killed_ him? Was that why you hit Vitok? Was she trying to stop you?"

"No … I …" He remembers how desperate he was. How lost … He takes a deep breath. "I was going to have the entire organization and their families executed for their crimes."

Her hand flies to her mouth and she stutters out "Ch-children?"

"No! I was going to ensure they were given to good families! So that none of them grew up alone … like you did."

" _Was_ going to? Maker, please tell me you didn't hurt those children." She shakes her head and looks at him with growing horror, stepping back from him.

He rushes up to her but she flinches and swiftly shrinks away. "No, no! I promise no. The children are safe. They all are. No one else died after Shar Faen's leader." Wait. That's not true. There were the two prisoners who tried to reach their wives.

He's about to correct himself when she says, "No one _else_? Who else did you kill, Kylo?"

His only chance is to tell her everything now. "A man died while I was interrogating him and another woman died from my orders. I misspoke earlier, after the execution, I also killed two prisoners when they broke from the group. Wylan killed a few others, I don't know how many," he recounts flatly.

Her eyes are hollow and she blinks slowly. Then she shakes herself. "None of this tells me why you hit Vitok."

She's right. Oddly, discussing his kills is easier than talking about striking his friend. "She was … she was trying to save the family members. I … I wouldn't listen …" The image of Vitok's smaller form flying back is looping through his mind. He just looks down, saying nothing.

The silence grows thick and he finally he chokes out, "Then she … she suggested that I don't love you …" He looks up furtively, finding her expression cold. He returns his eyes to the deck. "I snapped. I didn't think, I just acted and before I'd realized what I'd done … she was on the ground," he whispers. He hears the horrible sound of his hand connecting with Vitok's face.

"I see."

He doesn't think she does, he doesn't think she sees at _all_. She has no _idea_ what he went through but the Bond is firmly closed so he has no way to show her. He's not sure he _wants_ her to feel it, anyway. His storm nearly swallowed him whole this time and he wants to protect her from his madness.

Rey walks to his viewscreen and puts her back to him. She's holding herself tightly. After a long silence she slowly turns. "Is there anything else?" she asks tonelessly.

His eyes flit to hers. He'd already decided to tell her everything. "I threatened the doctors. I told them that their spouses would be killed if you died."

She nods, but shows no other reaction "What else?"

"Nothing else. That was everything that happened."

"There's nothing else you did while you were out of your mind?"

He shakes his head and looks deeply into her eyes. "No, that was everything."

Her eyes blaze and she points at him. "Because, I swear to the Maker, Kylo, if you are hiding _anything_ else from me … " She stops pointing at him and her hand falls to her side. "No. I don't want to threaten you. But I _need_ you to tell me everything. I can't find out something else later. I have to _know_."

Suddenly he remembers the last time he'd lost control of his reason, before Rey's illness. What he did to Kes. Maybe … maybe he should tell her that too. Thinking of Kes in the wake of what he did to Vitok makes him sick with shame.

"I wasn't trying to hide anything from you. I _was_ going to tell you. Tonight." He opens his hands wide in supplication. "Please believe me."

"You should have told me yesterday, when we were alone."

"I know."

She takes a step towards him and he hopes she's going to touch him, but she stops, still several paces from where he's standing. She holds his eyes for a moment before saying, "Promise me there's nothing else."

He can't look her in the eyes. "There's nothing else from the last three weeks. You know about your mother. And mine."

She moves her face into his line of sight. "But?"

Kylo looks at the ceiling. "There _is_ something else. Something I did that I shouldn't have done. That I should have told you."

His eyes return to her and she looks terrified. But she doesn't push, she just looks at him, her eyes huge with trepidation.

"You have to understand … it happened right after I found you, while you wouldn't see me. I don't … I don't handle it well when you aren't with me."

She's starting to breathe quickly in panic. "Who did you hurt? Did something happen to Finn? Did you lie when you said he was safe?"

"No, it's nothing like that. But … I did hurt someone. Someone you care about." He swallows before he forces out, "I … I invaded Kes's mind. Twice. Then wiped her memory."

She goes completely still and blinks rapidly. "You what?" she asks so quietly he can barely hear her.

"I know, I'm sorry, you'd been to see Wylan a second time and-"

"And you thought I'd played the whore, gone behind your back?" she nearly growls.

"No! Not really. I just … I kept imagine him touching you. I couldn't make it stop. That's why I …" He realizes he has to tell her that he resorted to the training room daggers … twice. She still has his blade. "That's why … when you saw the fresh scars ..." He can't seem to call it what it is. He cuts himself. He hurts himself. But he can't voice it.

Her eyes flicker with concern and she takes another step towards him with hands outstretched. She stops herself and her arms go around her torso, as if she's physically keeping herself from touching him.

"I also did it once while you were … gone," he admits softly.

Her eyes are so sad but she keeps herself firmly away from him. She closes her eyes and breathes in deeply before opening them. "I think I'm going to go now."

"What? No!"

"I need to think Kylo."

"But … please, I … are you going to shut me out?" he asks in a pitiful voice that makes him cringe.

The pain in her eyes deepens. "I just know I can't be around you right now."

"Please, just let me take you back to your quarters, we'll talk. I … you have to understand that I didn't mean to … I just … I was lost, you were gone, I couldn't think …" he pleads.

"No. I need time. You've just told me that you hurt my friend on top of hurting my teacher. You came to my bed with blood on your hands. I have to think. Please, don't make this harder."

He remembers what happened when she last needed _time_. He's not nearly recovered from her brush with death and he's not certain how he will cope if she pulls back from him. Something in him shudders and breaks and he rushes to her, grasping her by the biceps.

"Please, I just got you back. You can't leave me."

"I'm not leaving you. I'm asking to have a few hours alone." She places her hands on his chest but doesn't push him away.

"A few hours?" he asks in confusion. He thought she was about to shut him out for days, weeks … He can manage this.

"Yes. A few hours. I … I'll come to your quarters tonight, alright?"

They haven't been in his quarters in weeks and he doesn't like it. It feels like exile. But she's said it will only be a few hours. Perhaps it won't be so bad.

Gingerly, he pulls her into his arms. She stiffens, but then allows him to hold her.

Into her hair, he says, "Alright, Rey. I'll see you tonight."

* * *

Once she's gone he stalks his office in a circle. He can't possibly focus on the First Order right now. His hands are fisted and his jaw tight. He has no idea what tonight will bring, but he does know that he will come to Rey having faced one of his wrongs.

* * *

Vitok's door slides open and he's met with his handiwork. Rey wasn't exaggerating. There's a huge bruise on the side of her face, now turning a sickly yellow at the edges.

She says nothing, standing at her door, her face almost serene. He realizes she's leaving what happens next up to him.

"I'm sorry … Shree, I'm so sorry."

She startles at the sound of her old name. She purses her lips and conflict glides across her face. But then she nods slightly.

"I suppose you better come in, then."

His shoulders sag in relief. Maybe she will forgive him.

He follows her into her quarters and takes the seat she offers. She sits down across from him and regards him coolly, but there is just a bit of her kindness in those warm, brown eyes.

"I … I know what I did was unforgivable. I don't know how to begin to make it up to you … but, Force, I still can't believe I did that to you."

She's quiet for a moment. "It was worth it."

"What?"

"It woke you up, pulled you out of that place you go. I'd take that hit again and again if it meant saving those people."

"But … before, for the First Order …. that was not a particularly brutal tactic."

"No, but things are changing. In the right direction. _You're_ changing them. And if I'd let you kill them, it would have all gone up in smoke. You'd be in that place forever. You were too dark, Kylo."

"I know ... "

They sit in silence, both looking at the low table in front of them.

Finally, Vitok asks, "Did you tell Rey?"

"Yes." He can't keep the regret from his tone. He should have told her about Eshara when he'd had the chance. It might have gone so much better.

"Everything?" Vitok asks with a raised brow.

"Everything. Even about Kes."

Vitok blinks in surprise. "Well, I wasn't expecting that."

"I hated keeping something from her. It … it was time."

"I'm glad you realized that."

Somehow it's turned into her counseling him instead of why he's really here. "I … I need you to know that I will never, ever hit you again. I promise. Never again."

"I know that. I knew that as soon as you gave Shar Faen to the Esharans to handle. Besides, I am, first and foremost, your comrade-in-arms. What kind of Knight of Ren would I be if I couldn't handle a single punch?" she asks wryly.

"You are far too forgiving," he says as he shakes his head.

A glimmer of anger glints in her eyes. "I never said I forgave you."

Kylo sits up quickly. "I …"

"Forgiveness is earned. It takes time."

He nods his understanding and takes in a quavering breath. "I'm sorry," he whispers.

Vitok reaches out and puts her hand on his shoulder. "I know you are."

* * *

He sits nervously in his sitting room waiting for Rey to arrive. He glances occasionally at the small purple box. He's not sure she would appreciate a gift from him, but he's determined to try. She had said she wouldn't shut him out, but the afternoon of waiting and wondering has had him pacing and checking that everything is perfect for this evening. Dinner is ordered and will arrive shortly. She's not to have wine yet, so there is an effervescent citrus beverage he hopes she will enjoy.

His knees bounce and he feels about 13 years old. Then he hears a soft knock and he leaps to his feet.

He finds Rey still in her tunic and leggings, her hair back in three buns and his heart sinks. This is not a good sign.

They look at each other for a moment before he remembers himself. "Please, come in."

She crosses the threshold and he's not sure if he's allowed to touch her. He reaches for her and she looks at his outstretched hands then slowly allows herself to be enfolded in his arms. She loosely returns his embrace, but quickly pulls away.

"Rey …"

"I'm sorry … I'm very confused right now … I can't … I just can't."

"Alright … I … I understand." And he does. It hurts, but he does understand. What she's learned today is a great deal for Rey to take in and he wants to give her time, even if it's exceptionally difficult for him.

They silently go to his sitting room and he hands her a glass of the pale yellow liquid. She takes a sip and there is a small smile, but then her eyes fill with conflict. He sighs.

"Please, let's sit," he offers.

She nods and chooses the couch, allowing him to sit next to her. He's ridiculously relieved at her willingness to have him close.

She looks at him, chewing slightly on her bottom lip. "I need you to show me what happened," she blurts out.

"What?"

"I need to know what really happened. On Eshara. I think it will help me understand … make peace with it."

He shakes his head firmly. "No, that's not a good idea." He remembers how brutal he was with Jan Kressin-Vryn and he knows Rey will be disgusted.

"I don't _care_ if you think it's a good idea. I have to know. If you want me to try and come to terms with the fact that you murdered several people and nearly killed scores of innocents, not to mention what you did to Kes and Vitok, I need to _see_."

That she wants to try buoys his spirits. But the thought of her seeing everything … the shame is ugly and hot. He looks down at his hands, trying to decide what to do.

"Look, Kylo. If you're worried that I'll shut you out, don't. If you show me, I promise I won't pull away. I just keep imagining and my head is getting away from me. If I just _knew_ , I think I could work through it and find a way to at least put it behind us. I understand that these were … unusual circumstances."

"You do?"

"I do. I spoke with Kes and Vitok a bit, and they both confirmed that you really were nearly insane with grief. And I hate that you went through that. I truly do. The thought of you in that much pain, I feel it right here," she says as she holds her fist to her heart. "But … you hurt people."

"In my defense, they _were_ terrorists."

"I know that, but you didn't even give them a trial."

"I assure you, I was in their heads, they were guilty."

"What about those two men who just wanted to save their wives?"

"They were with Shar Faen," he says with contempt.

"Do you even know what they did for them?"

"No …"

"One delivered messages and the other occasionally provided a safe place to sleep to people hiding from the First Order. Did they deserve to die for that?"

He wants to spit 'Yes' but he senses that is not the right answer here. So he says nothing.

"Shouldn't they have at least been given the opportunity to defend themselves?" she implores.

Well, there _is_ logic to that. But everything was happening so quickly. "You were dying! I wanted them to pay for hurting you!"

"But they _didn't_ hurt me. I did that to myself."

"You never would have been in danger in the first place if they hadn't destroyed the mine!"

"That's true. And for that, for the people who died that day, perhaps their leader did deserve his fate, but not the others."

He holds her eyes, trying to keep his temper in check. He may have his reason back, but no matter what, he's certain those people are why he nearly lost her. "We'll have to agree to disagree on that point."

She purses her lips. "Fine. But will you show me what happened so I can put this to rest?"

He realizes she's not been focused on her friend. He was sure that would be what would anger her most. "And what about Kes?"

Her eyes ice over and she says, "We'll talk about that after you show me. One thing at a time."

Perhaps he might be able to salvage something out of this. She's said she won't send him away again. "If I do this, you won't shut me out?"

"I promise."

He considers his options, looking at the ceiling. Maybe knowing truly will help her. But some of it was quite … gruesome. Though he is well aware of how one's own mind will usually imagine worse. Even so … he does not want to do this. Then he feels her small fingers on his arm and he startles, looking down into her face.

"Please," she implores. "This will help. I know it will."

"Do you … do you wish to see … Kes as well?"

"No … I know what it looks like when you invade a mind. I'm not sure I could forgive you if I saw you doing that to Kes," she says with tightly controlled fury.

"I know I was wrong to do-"

"I'm not ready to talk about that," she says with finality.

"Alright, Rey." He takes her hands in his and she squeezes back, giving him the hope he needs to share this with her.

"Are you ready?" he asks.

"Wait." She looks into his eyes. "I love you."

His heart soars to hear the confirmation that she still loves him. "And I love you, so very much."

She smiles. "Okay, I'm ready." He feels the Bond open.

He holds her eyes as he opens his mind and begins to share the events on Eshara, starting with his mental state.

Her eyes grow wide and she gasps.

"Oh, Kylo …"

* * *

Thank you so much to my splendid beta, CharlotteCAgain, who is always full of encouragement and soothes my insecurity with such grace.

Thank you readers! I'm so grateful for the time you give my story and every follow, favorite, and review makes me giddy. You are a really lovely group of people.


	53. Chapter 53

He's already showed her the Esharan who led him to the credits, then to the man's lover, who led him to Kressin-Vryn. He hadn't shared much of how he had been feeling while she was comatose, only giving her a sense of his despair. He hadn't wanted her to experience his anguish, it was still too raw and he's not ready to be that vulnerable. Now he's showing her how he destroyed the terrorist's mind. He shares it all, just as she had requested. He's just revealed the landscape of Kressin-Vryn's mangled consciousness when she pulls back from him.

"Force, oh, Force," she gasps. She looks at him, eyes frantic with terror then she slaps her hand across her mouth as she runs to his 'fresher.

He swiftly follows her, finding her leaning over the toilet. The contents of her stomach heave into the waiting vessel and he realizes for the first time that what he did was too far, even for him.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, I'm sorry," he says in a low voice.

He places his hand on her shoulder and she shrugs it off. "Don't touch me!" she snarls between bouts of illness.

He pulls away, not knowing what to do as she is again sick. She's trembling and pale and it's agony not to soothe her. He's frozen with indecision. Then he decides if she won't let him comfort her, perhaps she'll allow him to help her.

He gathers up a cloth and wets it. He waits until her heaving has stopped then crouches next to her, silently holding out the cloth. Her eyes go to his for a moment and she hesitates before taking it.

She wipes her face then shakily stands. He tries to help her, but she pushes him away. He stays crouched for a moment, looking at the floor before standing as she goes to the sink and rinses her mouth. He moves behind her and they're both looking into his mirror.

He catches her eyes in the reflection. She holds them. He begins to raise his hands, intending to try to hold her but she sharply shakes her head. He sighs and stops his movements. Then she takes a deep breath and returns to the couch as he follows.

Once seated, she turns to him and asks, "Did you really take all of his memories of his husband?"

"Yes," he says quietly.

"You … I didn't know you could be so cruel. I knew you'd killed people, but … that was … that was _sadistic_ ," she says, her face twisted in horror.

"I … I know. I was lost without you, I wanted him to pay. I _needed_ him to pay." His hands flail helplessly.

"That's what makes this even harder to accept. You did those things because of _me_."

"They hurt you!"

"You keep saying that, but it's not _true_. I'm the one who hurt myself."

"Yes, saving the workers, who never would have needed your healing if Shar Faen hadn't bombed the mine!"

"Kylo … don't you see? It was still my choice. Yes, I didn't know that I could put myself in danger by overusing the Force, but I would still choose to save those people. It was me. Are you going to punish _me_ the way you punished Shar Faen?"

Even the suggestion that he could ever hurt her fills him with revulsion. "Never!"

"You were so far gone you just needed to lash out at something. You lost complete control of yourself."

"I know I did."

Rey shakes her head and her eyes are haunted. He wonders how long it will take for her to forgive him for this.

She breathes in sharply and says "Alright, show me the rest."

"Are you sure?" He's not sure how she'll handle seeing him kill.

"Yes, I need to know."

He reaches for her hands but she pulls back. "I'm not ready for you to touch me."

"I …. alright." He hates this, but he knows the fact she's still here and not fleeing to her quarters is likely more than he deserves.

He shows her how he'd addressed Shar Faen.

 _Hundreds of innocents died in the bombing of the mine. Beyond that, my consort was injured as a result of the blast. She is dying. Were she here, I'm certain she would counsel mercy. But, you see, she is_ not _._

He feels her distress, how much she hates that he did all this because of her. Her guilt cuts into him and he bleeds shame. Vitok was right. She'd never have wanted this.

Rey pales as she sees his saber slice through Kressin-Vryn's neck. By the time he shares his impatient killing of the two prisoners attempting to save their wives, her eyes are bright with unshed tears.

Now comes the part he most dreads showing her. He remembers his rage at Vitok as she had pleaded with him to give mercy to the family members. He wishes she hadn't removed her mask so that he didn't have to see her eyes. There, Vitok goes flying and Rey gasps and chokes back a sob.

Finally, it's over. There's nothing left for him to show her. He pulls from her mind and she stands quickly, striding to his viewscreen. She looks out at the stars and she's trembling.

Kylo isn't sure if he should go to her or give her time. She stands and he watches the tremors move through her body until he can't take it anymore. He goes in front of her and her expression is vacant and her eyes hollow. He tries to get her to meet his eyes but she keeps her gaze from him. Gingerly, he reaches for her and he's surprised when she flows into his arms and clings to him.

Then she starts to pull from him and he tightens his hold, not ready for her to put the inevitable distance between them.

"No! How could you, how could you?" she asks furiously as she beats his chest with her small fists. There's no force behind her blows and now she's crying.

"How can you be the gentle man I love and do those horrible things?" she sobs.

"I'm sorry, Rey."

"No! No! That's not good enough. You … you … Oh, Maker … those poor people." She stops her meagre assault and sags in his arms.

He pulls her in close and she lets him comfort her for a moment, then she pushes away from him, putting several paces between them. He starts toward her and she snaps, "No!"

Kylo doesn't know what to do as she begins to pace back and forth frantically. "I can't believe you did those things. I thought … Oh Force, how am I going to live with this?" She holds her head in her hands.

"I don't know …" What if she can't forgive him? What if he's just gotten her back only to lose her to his own reckless behavior?

She stops her overwrought movements and abruptly sits on his couch, drawing her knees up to her chest, holding them tightly.

A few tears escape and her eyes plead with him, but he's not sure what she's asking. Then she looks down and mutters, almost to herself. He thinks he hears, "I've been so blind."

"I'm sorry, love, I can barely hear you."

"I said, I've been so _blind_. I wanted to believe you'd _changed_." She clutches at her legs. "But you're as brutal as you've ever been, aren't you? You've only been holding yourself in check because of me." She looks away then back at him keenly. "Tell me, do you see _anything_ wrong with your behavior?"

"I … destroying Kressin-Vryn's mind like that … it was unnecessary," he says carefully. "I only did it because I was so angry." He recalls how powerless he was, how the fury had swirled through him. "He took you from me! He deserved to know what that felt like!" he snarls.

"He already _did_ know that, his husband was _dead_. The First Order made sure of that," she says snidely. "What you did was _so_ much worse. To take his memories like that … to die, not knowing you loved and were loved … can you imagine the horror as he lost him? If someone stole that from me, ripped you out of my heart ... Oh Maker … I can't believe you did that." She shakes her head slowly and hugs herself more tightly.

Ice curls along his spine as he considers what it would feel like to have Rey taken from him like that and he turns his face away, not quite able to look her in the eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispers.

"Are you _really_ sorry or are you just sorry that I'm so upset?" She leans forward, letting go of her legs.

He returns his gaze to her. "I'm sorry you're hurting," he says sincerely.

"But you don't think you did anything wrong. Killing those people like that, without trial." She crosses her arms in front of her chest.

"I agree that I took it too far with Kressin-Vryn." Can't that be enough?

"You interrogated a man to death!"

He stands and begins to pace. Then he turns to her. "He wouldn't submit! It didn't have to happen that way if he would have only yielded!"

She leaps to her feet and comes quite near, gesticulating passionately. "Listen to yourself! I thought you were coming back to the light! I thought you were seeing a better way to do things!"

Back to the light? He doesn't need the light now, he has her. "No, Rey … I've only wanted to make you happy. I didn't execute Shar Faen because I knew you wouldn't like it, not because I think it's wrong."

"What?" she gasps as her eyes go wide.

"They defied the First Order. I've never lied to you about my beliefs. I've told you I believe in a firm hand. I spared those people for _you_." He tries to take her hands but she thrusts them behind her back and gives him a warning look.

"You truly see _nothing_ wrong with what you did?" she yells, contempt marring her beautiful features.

His frustration finally boils over. Why can't she see! "You were dying!" he bellows. "I was out of my _mind_ with terror! I've never known pain like that. I was losing you, losing you!"

"Well maybe you should lose me after this!" she shouts.

No, no, _no_! He won't let her do this to him, not after everything. "Don't you dare. Don't you dare!"

"You murdered people, you tortured people!"

"You don't understand!" He thrusts his hands in his hair and growls.

"I could _never_ understand acting like that," she spits, her eyes full of disgust.

Something inside snaps, because right now she's looking at him like he's a monster and he cannot have that. Kylo doesn't care that she doesn't want him to touch her. He's desperate and he's had it. She startles as he takes her by the shoulders, but she doesn't pull away. His eyes sear into hers and they're both breathing quickly. He wants to just open his mind and blast her with _everything_ he felt but he won't do that to her. Instead, he asks harshly, "Do you _want_ to understand?"

Tears glisten in her eyes and she sags in his firm grip. She nods as she sobs, "Yes."

They look into each other's eyes, panting and Rey puts her hands on his chest and there's a tenderness in her touch. He takes in a deep breath and cups her face with his large hands, leaning his forehead against hers. He strokes her cheeks with his thumbs then he gently invites her into his mind instead of projecting into hers. At first she's tentative, but then he feels as she opens herself fully. He shares the first night, how he'd still had hope, and had talked with her for hours.

She whimpers when he shares how he'd broken down weeping the night that marked a year since they'd been Bound.

He draws her deeper still, to the moment when he first realized he would end his life if she died. His absolute certainty and utter despair. She moans in pain but doesn't try to pull away, so he keeps sharing. The dying hope, day by day. The horror of watching her light dim. The bleakness of the empty Bond and how he had to close his connection to her because it hurt too damned much. All of it, an infinity of suffering, he offers up to her.

She's shivering, badly, but he must show her one last thing. The night after Eshara, when he hid his face in her abdomen and hollowed himself out, pain pouring from his eyes, and anguish spilling from his throat. The last thing he shares is how utterly lost he was without her, how he was a shell of a man, a ghost haunting her bedside. Then he gently shuts the Bond.

She chokes and cries and he wraps his arms around her, trying to cease her shaking. She sobs desperately into his chest and clutches at him. She starts to hiccup and is having trouble catching her breath.

"Shhh, darling, calm down. It's alright. You're here. I'm alright. It's over. Shhh. Shhh." He rubs circles along her back and begins to rock her gently. Finally she starts to breathe normally and sniffles lightly. He continues to croon nonsense until she's calmer.

Eventually he pulls back slightly so that he may look at her face. Her eyes are huge and far away and she's blinking slowly.

"Sweetheart?"

"Yes?"

"Are you alright?"

"No … no I'm not." She tightens her arms around him and lays her face against his chest. He keeps her clasped to him and kisses the top of her head.

"Oh, my love …" he breathes out.

Eventually she looks up at him. "You were so … I … I made you feel like that?"

"Oh, Rey, no, you didn't do anything wrong." He takes her face in his hands and wipes away the stray tears with his thumbs.

"But I did. It's my fault. I pushed myself too far with the Force. I didn't listen when you told me to stop. I … I was reckless. I … I did that to you."

Kylo shakes his head firmly and wraps his arms back around her. "No, no. You didn't know, how could you have known? You wanted to save people. You're so generous and kind, it's one of the many reasons I love you. You never should have been in that situation to begin with."

"I … I've never felt anything like that." Her eyes focus on his, "I don't want you to ever go through that again."

"I would prefer not to," he says ruefully.

"Oh, Maker, Kylo …" she breathes out as she again buries her face against his chest. Her voice is muffled by his surcoat when she says, "I don't think I'll ever make peace with some of your methods, but … I understand why you did what you did now. There was too much inside you."

"Or not enough. I'm not sure. I do know I truly lost my mind without you. Do you see, do you see how I cannot go on without you?" He cradles her head against him with one hand and holds her close with the other.

"Yes, I see," she says flatly.

"Do you understand why I have to have you with me?"

"Yes, I understand," she says. Then she pulls back from him and looks up into his eyes. "I won't put myself in danger like that again."

"Thank you, Rey." He again folds her close to him and they stand there, holding each other for a long time and the Bond winds around them, weaving together ever stronger.

Eventually he pulls back and looks into her eyes, they're far away and he wants to coax her back. Perhaps food will help bring normalcy after such a storm of fraught feelings. "Are you hungry? Shall I have dinner brought?"

She nods numbly. "Yes … yes, that would be good."

He's not sure what to make of her odd behavior. It's like she's not quite with him, but he knows he just shared so much with her. He should give her time to recover. "Alright, just a moment."

He goes to the console and indicates they're ready for what he's already had prepared. She's still not able to eat everything, so he had selected a light soup and selection of her favorite fruits. There's sorbet for dessert.

Kylo returns to his couch and she's in his arms as soon as he's seated. She almost burrows into him. He holds her silently until dinner arrives.

* * *

Dinner had been quiet, Rey was very distracted. She still seems off, but she's focusing better. They're back on his couch and he remembers his gift. He reaches for the box and presents it to her.

"I have something for you."

She blinks down at it and smiles a sad smile. But then her face shifts into a more genuine expression of happiness. "You don't have to keep giving me things."

"But I like to. Besides, I have almost a year's worth of treasures saved up. Let me spoil you."

She looks a way for a moment. "It's not as if I could stop you."

"What do you mean?" he asks in confusion.

"Only that you tend to get what you want."

He frowns, still not knowing what to make of Rey's behavior. Then she shakes herself and takes the box from his hand. She opens it slowly to reveal the earrings set with dozens of deep green jewels that cascade down from the center of each piece.

"Oh!" she exclaims. "They're beautiful!"

"I thought they would go nicely with your eyes."

She lifts them from their box and looks at how the light plays against the gems. "Thank you, they really are gorgeous."

"I'm glad you like them."

She puts them back in their box and places it on the low table in front of the couch. She looks around furtively.

"Rey, what is it, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Please tell me, you've been acting strangely," he entreats.

"There's nothing you need to worry about."

"How can I not? You aren't yourself."

"Really, Kylo, I'm _fine_." Her lips are a tense line and she's clearly anything but fine.

"You're obviously not alright, please don't lie to me," he says in frustration.

She looks down at her hands and finally says. "I … I just …. I realized a few things, that's all. I'm not ready to talk about it yet."

"Please don't hide things from me."

Her head snaps up and her eyes flash with anger. "I think I'm entitled to _hide_ a few things from you after _you_ hid what you did to Kes," she says.

His stomach sinks. He'd forgotten about Kes. He looks away. "I'm sorry."

"That doesn't change what you did. I felt so _guilty_ about going to see Wylan that I confessed it the first time I saw you, but you already knew, didn't you?" she accuses.

"Yes." He remembers the gut-churning guilt he'd felt when she'd apologized for visiting his rival.

Her eyes narrow. "What _else_ didyou take from her mind?"

Kylo takes in a long breath. "Your visit with Wylan and your conversation afterwards. When you said … you said you thought you could love me."

She looks stricken. "You …. you saw that?"

"Yes."

"That … that was private."

"I know it was, I knew I shouldn't have done it as soon as I had. I never did it again, I promise." He wants to take her hands, but she's holding herself away stiffly.

Her shoulder fall. "Why do you never _trust_ me?"

"I do! I do now … I just … I would get so scared, so afraid of losing you …"

"After I was here, did I ever give you reason to believe that I would leave you?"

"What? Yes, of course you did. You shut me out for weeks!"

"No, the longest time we went without seeing each other was _five days._ I told you that once I'd had time I would try. I _promised_ not to leave. But you never _listen_ , you never trust me."

"I … " He thinks, deeply. Is what she's saying true? It had felt like a lifetime when she'd shut him out. But … she's only been with him for three months, nearly a month of that unconscious. He realizes she's right. Then he remembers how she'd promised not to run on Vren, but he hadn't listened … "I have been trying to listen … that's why I gave you that ship."

"I know … I do know. And, to be fair, you've been doing much better since then."

"That's why I was able to keep away, honestly. I was so ashamed of what I did that I didn't feel that I deserved to see you."

She looks away and purses her lips slightly. "I don't … I don't want you to feel like that, that you don't deserve something."

"I know that I don't deserve you."

"No … no, that's not true."

"It is, and we both know it. I'm not blind to the things I've done. Most of the time I'm able to see it in a larger context, see why it's necessary. Sometimes … sometimes, though, I wonder. But then I speak to Grandfather and it makes sense again."

She regards him thoughtfully. "You said he hasn't been speaking to you?"

"No … I'm not sure why. Maybe he knows I don't need him any longer, now that you're here." She seems softer, so he reaches for her hand and she lets him, lacing her fingers with his.

She cocks her head. "Kylo … when did he stop talking to you, exactly?"

He sighs. "I'm not sure. It's been months. I was focused on finding you when he stopped."

"Hmm … I see." She looks away and chews her lip.

"Why?" There's something about how she's looking at the floor that makes him want to understand what she's thinking. She's kept the Bond firmly closed since he'd finished sharing his experiences.

"I just … wondered." She stands and comes closer, settling herself against his side, putting her head on his chest. Feeling her close again makes him lose his train of thought. She's near again, nothing else matters.

"Will you try to trust me?" she asks looking up at him.

"Oh, Rey … I do trust you. I just … panic." He detests that he does that. It takes him over and he can never think through the fear.

"I know you do. But you don't need to."

"Even after you know … everything? Vitok? Kes?"

She sighs. "It will take me some time, and there _is_ something I need from you, but I know I'm not going anywhere."

"Really?" He's been so afraid that she would pull away, run from him. If she truly chose to stay with him … he could finally focus and think straight.

"My place is with you. I know that, now." Her tone is again strange, but he's so relieved by her words that he pushes it aside.

He shudders with the realization that she's not going to shut him out, to try to leave, even after everything he's done and he feels lighter. A tightness that has been around his chest for as long as he can remember unfurls. "Thank you," he says into her hair. "Now, what do you need?"

Rey hesitates. "Kes. I need you to restore her memories. She deserves to have that."

He breathes in sharply. He's built something with Kes and he doesn't want to destroy it. "I … are you sure that's best for Kes?"

"No, not really, but I think Kes deserves to make her choices with all the facts. It's not right that she not know."

"But …"

"I know that you and Kes have grown closer, but don't you want that to be built on something real and not lies?"

He strokes her back idly, not sure how to feel. What if Kes hates him?

"Please?" she asks, looking up into his eyes.

He frowns. "If that will help you come to terms with everything, then I will do it."

"Thank you."

He gathers her closer and looks out over the top of her head, lost in tumultuous thoughts.

* * *

Kylo had kept her clasped tightly to his side throughout the night, her head on his chest, desperately grateful that she'd said yes when he'd asked her to stay. He'd not attempted to make love to her, worried that she wasn't ready after the revelations of the day. She'd made a few furtive overtures, which had confused him because she'd still seemed not quite right.

Now she's stirring in his arms and he watches her slowly wake. Her eyes open and they're filled with familiar warmth, but then they cloud for a moment. She smiles and arches up to kiss him softly.

"Good morning," she says.

"Good morning, sweetheart. Did you sleep well?"

"I did, I always sleep well with you."

He smiles at that. "You're still feeling alright?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

"You'll go to medbay today, just to make sure? We still don't know how you healed."

She rolls her eyes. "Yes, I'll go. But I really do feel fine. I'll go after ... " She looks down for a moment. "I thought I would go and see Lann Tren."

"Really?" he asks, a bit dumbfounded. He didn't think she'd choose to see her mother.

"Well, she's here … I should meet her."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

She shakes her head. "No … I think I need to do it on my own. I'll go after training."

He stills at the mention of Vitok. "I went to see Vitok yesterday, to apologize."

Rey's eyes chill for a moment, but then she nods and says, "Good. Did she accept?"

"I believe so, yes. Though she told me that forgiveness is earned, so I don't believe she has forgiven me yet," he says sadly.

"She will."

"Do you? Forgive me?" he asks hopefully.

"Please don't ask me that. It's too soon."

She starts to pull from him and he pulls her back. "No, don't. Please, don't push me away."

"I … alright." She nestles back against his chest and he sighs in relief.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you when you meet your mother?"

"I'm sure. It's something I need to do alone."

"If you need me, afterwards, I'm always available."

"No worlds to conquer?" she asks sharply.

"Rey …"

She closes her eyes. "I'm sorry … it's going to take some time. But I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

Kylo tightens his arms around her and tries to ignore the unease creeping up his spine.

* * *

A/N: Thank you jackie_01 for stepping in to beta this week! Your suggestions were invaluable and I hope you like the finished product. I'd also like to thank ns241 for helping me work out a tricky bit of flow in this chapter.

Thank you readers! Every follow, favorite, and review brightens my day and keeps me writing. You are all so kind to give your time to my story.


	54. Chapter 54

"Kes," Kylo welcomes her into his office. She smiles at him. A genuine, unguarded smile and it hurts to know this warmth will be gone in a few minutes. He doesn't want to do this. But there is a part of him that _does_. Perhaps he will be free of the burden of guilt that has pressed against his heart since the night he lost his mind and took what wasn't his.

He chooses not to ponder why he feels he'd wronged this young woman when he's stolen countless memories. He opts not to wonder what has changed, only that he told Rey that he would do this and so he will.

Kylo gestures for her to sit and he sits opposite from her. "I've asked you here because … I …" He pauses, this is so much more difficult than he'd imagined. He looks down. "I have something I need to tell you."

Kes looks wary. "Yes, s- uhm, yes?"

Kylo frowns. He's asked her to call him Kylo, but she still can't bring herself to cross that line, even occasionally continuing to call him sir. It bothers him on some level that she still insists on showing him this respect. He wants Kes to regard him as a … as a friend. But it doesn't matter now, all of that will likely end in the very near future.

He knows what he needs to say, but he can't quite form the words when Kes begins to look panicked. "Is it Rey, is something wrong with Rey?"

"No … no. It's nothing like that." He takes in a deep breath and pushes forward. "Shortly after Rey arrived I did something that I shouldn't have done. I regret it deeply, but I can't change that I did it. It is my hope that you will forgive me."

"Me? What does it have to do with me?" Kes's eyes have again taken on that fear she used to have when she looked at him. Damn.

"While Rey wasn't seeing me … I didn't handle it well. And I … well, you see …" He looks to the ceiling, delaying the inevitable. He takes another long breath then again returns his gaze to Kes. "I … I took some of your memories."

Kes's eyes go very wide and she sits back instinctively. "You what?"

"I forced you to show me time you'd spent with Rey. I'm not proud of what I did. It was wrong, and I'm sorry."

"Why can't I remember?"

"I altered your memory so you would have no recollection that I had done that."

"You … you were in my head?"

"Yes," he says regretfully.

"What … what did you see?"

"I would like to give you your memories back, then you'll know. Please let me repair the damage."

"Damage? Will I … will I be alright?" Kes asks fearfully, now trembling.

"You'll be fine. A poor choice of words. Have you … have you been afraid of me without knowing why?"

She shrinks even further from him and stutters, "Y-yes."

"That's why. You … you fought me. It … hurt."

"Oh." She blinks quickly.

"Kes, I have come to value your contribution to the First Order greatly, and I had hoped we had become … friends, after a fashion. It is my hope that you will be able to forgive me."

"I … I don't even have the memories to know …"

"Would you like me to return them to you?"

Kes hesitates, which surprises him. She takes a deep breath and nods a brief nod, her eyes full of fear.

Kylo raises his hand. "Don't fight, it will be painless if you don't fight."

He sees her try not to defend herself, but instinct wins out and she starts to push against him. He realizes he should have had Rey here. Stupid. He never thinks things through.

"Shhh, don't struggle. I'm almost finished." He unlocks the blocks on her memories and he watches as realization dawns on her face and then utter horror. She stands and backs away swiftly, shaking her head.

Kylo stands but doesn't cross the distance. "Kes, I'm sorry."

Kes holds her head for a moment then drops her hands and looks at him with accusation. "You … you made me betray her trust!"

"I did, I was wrong." Bile rises in his throat as he remembers how he'd hurt Kes, knowing exactly what she's just experienced again. The memory of her tears fill him with shame and regret.

"My first friend, and I betrayed her," Kes says to herself, running her fingers through her short hair.

"No, you didn't, I did. You never could have withstood me, no matter how hard you fought. And you did fight, valiantly."

Suddenly Kes remembers herself and stands stiffly at attention. She doesn't say another word.

"Please. Sit down, I'm sure you have questions."

"No, sir," she says coldly.

"I thought you weren't going to call me 'sir' any longer?

"That would not be appropriate, sir. You are the Supreme Leader."

"But … I have come to consider you a friend."

"Yes, sir." She keeps herself rigid and looking forward, her head held high.

He sighs and accepts that this is fruitless. Kes clearly needs time. "You have been working incredibly long hours caring for Rey. You're relieved of your duties for the rest of the week. Get some sleep. And if you find you do have questions, my door is always open to you."

"Yes, sir," she says robotically.

Kylo sighs. "You're dismissed."

Kes turns on her heel and quits the room a bit too swiftly for protocol.

He sits behind his desk and absently rubs an aching part of his chest.

* * *

"I really must insist that we discuss this blanket order," General Jehan pushes.

"No! I've already told you that should you see signs of Resistance ships en route to the _Finalizer_ , or any First Order vessel, you will hail them and offer them escort to our location."

"And that will be?" General Jehan asks testily.

"We're going to the main shipping lanes near the Core."

"All so that you can meet with General Organa?"

"I gave her my word that she would not be harmed and you will heed me in this!" Kylo barks down at the hologram. Hux stands next to him and efficiently makes notes on his datapad.

"But, sir, it's such an opportunity!"

"You will not fire on any Resistance vessels, are we clear?"

Jehan's jaw twitches and her eyes seethe. Through clenched teeth she says, "Yes, sir. We're clear."

"Excellent," he says as he switches off the projector.

He's turning to Hux, opening his mouth to say something when his cheek explodes in pain. He's so shocked that he doesn't even try to defend himself. It takes him a moment to understand that Hux just punched him. The surprise is so utterly total that he can't even find anger. He cradles his cheek and looks at Hux.

"You will never hurt Shree again or I _will_ find a way to kill you," Hux snarls, his pale eyes flashing with fire.

Kylo nods his head dumbly and watches as Hux flexes his hand, straightens his uniform and strides from Kylo's office.

He rubs at his cheek, trying to process what just happened. He goes to the 'fresher attached to his office to inspect the damage and looks in the mirror, prodding at his cheek. It was a good hit and Kylo knows it will bruise. He could get bacta, minimize the bruising … but he deserves this, he truly does. If he and Hux's positions had been reversed, Hux would be dead. He considers what it would be like to see that ugly mark on Rey's face and he knows there will be no reprimand for Hux and he'll allow the bruise to bloom.

* * *

He's tried to focus as well as he can, He keeps worrying about Rey and thinking about Kes. Then his thoughts swirl back to his mother and whether or not she will come.

He's decided he wants her to come. And not just for Rey

Rey had been subdued this morning, frequently not quite meeting his eyes. He'd hoped she would join him in the shower when it was time to ready himself for the day, but she'd gone to his sitting room wearing yesterday's clothes. He wants to give her time, not push her, but he's deeply unsettled by her strange behavior.

She'd said that she understands her place is by his side, that she will never try to leave him. This should make him elated, but somehow he feels that he's lost something. He's not even sure what it is. She just seemed so … resigned.

The joy they'd found together seems dormant and he just wants to go back to her, ask her to talk with him, tell him what's going on in her head. If only he could go to Vitok, perhaps she could explain it to him, but his actions have ensured that he won't do that. It's too soon.

Rey had surprised him when she'd kissed him passionately when it was time to say goodbye. It had been a desperate kiss, tinged with sorrow, but he was so grateful for the connection that he'd not questioned it. She's still keeping the Bond tightly closed.

He _misses_ her. She's only been back for three days and he has a month's worth of craving licking at his heels. He _wants_ her, but more than that he needs to feel her through the Bond, connect with her like they had before she knew about Eshara. Vitok. Kes …

The way Kes had looked at him … it made him feel like he had as a child, small and badly made. He's done so many despicable things in his pursuit of the dark, stealing an afternoon's worth of memories shouldn't even register, yet it feels like one of the worst things he's ever done.

He slams his hand down on his desk and pulls his other hand across his face. He needs to focus on the fleet and make his way through a mountain of reports, not lose himself to these difficult thoughts. He grabs his datapad and tries to make some headway.

It doesn't work.

* * *

Vitok bursts into his office while he'd been looking out on the stars, having given up on even trying to work.

She rushes to him and her eyes are frantic. "Kylo, Rey is extremely upset, you need to come to the training room. Now."

He immediately starts striding to the door, Vitok following close behind.

* * *

They're walking briskly down the corridor when Kylo turns his head towards Vitok, not slowing down.

"Why didn't you comm me?" Why didn't Rey reach for him through the Bond?

"I wanted a chance to fill you in on the way."

"What _happened_?" he asks worriedly. He pushes against the Bond, trying to sense Rey's state, but all he feels is her dim energy. She hasn't kept him out like this for months.

"The meeting with her mother did _not_ go well. That piece of space trash asked Rey for _credits_. She suggested that Rey … oh hell, I don't know how to tell you this."

"Just tell me," he pleads as they continue to speed down the corridors.

Vitok is silent.

"Please, Vitok."

She lets out a pained sigh then angrily says, "That woman basically called her a high priced whore, who obviously knew how to snag the big game."

Kylo's fists tighten and if he wasn't in such a hurry to get to Rey the walls would not fare well. He growls low in his throat.

"Why were you even there?" he asks with false calm.

Vitok explains, "She asked me to come with her to see her mother, of course I said yes."

It hurts. He'd offered to go with her, but he pushes it down, his boots clanging against the gleaming floor. His jaw tightens but he doesn't say anything.

"Look, we talked about it during training, I didn't think it was a good idea she go alone and I explained to her why. She agreed with me. She's not ready to trust you yet. This was a good thing. She's reaching out and allowing someone to be there for her."

"If she's not ready to trust me, why did you even bother getting me?" he asks with asperity.

Vitok rolls her eyes. "Because, you great idiot, she's in love with _you_ and no one is going to be able to convince her she's not … _that_ , other than you. And, well … she's much stronger with the Force than I am and I'm not completely sure I can get near her."

What the hell is Rey _doing_?

* * *

They cross into the large room and it's a mad whirl of training equipment. Rey is continually hurling whatever she can reach with the Force against the walls. She's wearing a simple gray dress and she has her buns again. Her eyes are full of fury and pain and she lets out a scream of anguish as a training sphere dents the bulkhead.

"Oh, Rey …" he gasps.

He watches as she furiously flings everything in her path, a table splintering against a still-standing training droid.

"Rey!" he calls out.

Her head snaps to him and her face crumples and she staggers, falling to her knees. The cacophony ends and everything falls to the floor. Her face is tracked with tears and she holds her arms out like a child waiting to be picked up.

He's to her in four long strides, pulling her from the floor into his arms. He lifts her so that her legs dangle and her chest is level with his. She throws her arms around his neck and hides her face in his hair.

"Shhh. Shhh. I've got you. I've got you."

"She doesn't want me," she whispers brokenly.

"I know. She's so lost to the spice, whoever she was is gone."

"I let myself hope."

"Oh, Rey." He feels ten kinds of a fool for bringing Lann Tren. He's responsible for hurting her like this. All this pain would have been avoided if he'd only minded his own business. But no, he had to try and give her everything and now he's ripped her hope away. This deep wound is his making.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart. I'm just so sorry." He nuzzles against her ear and holds her tightly. He rocks her back and forth and kneads his fingers into her back. She lets out a shuddering sigh. He holds her close in the middle of the destroyed training room and she eventually calms.

"Can we go back to my quarters?" she finally asks in a small voice.

"Of course. Anything you need, my love." Oh his poor, broken girl. He will find a way to soothe this pain. And then he's getting Lann Tren off of his ship.

He shifts her in his arms so that he may carry her and looks around for Vitok. She's quietly slipped away. He's not sure if that's good or bad. Rey might need her, too.

He starts for the door. Rey huffs and says, "I can walk. "

"Hush. Let me tend to you, beloved."

She looks up and gasps, "What happened to your face?"

He grimaces. "Hux."

"Hux _hit_ you?"

"It would appear that he was not inclined to let the matter of my treatment of Vitok go unaddressed."

She strokes his bruised cheek. "I have some bacta in my rooms."

"No. It stays as it is."

Rey frowns. "But …"

"It stays."

* * *

She opens her door and he carries her into her quarters. He sits on her settee, keeping her on his lap. She still has her arms around his neck and she settles against him. She'd been silent the whole way. The way she's clinging to him soothes his fear of her withdrawal, but she's clearly anything but alright. He's not sure if he should press her to tell him what exactly happened with her mother.

He reaches up and undoes her buns, then starts running his fingers through her silken hair. Finally he asks, "What can I do for you?"

" _Nothing_. There's nothing you can do."

"Are you hungry? Thirsty? Please, tell me how to help you."

"There's nothing you _can_ do!" she repeats. "She didn't want to know anything about me, she didn't care what my life was. My mother, my _mother_ looked me in the eyes and …" Then she pulls herself from his arms and stands quickly.

She whirls around and her eyes have a mad light to them. "She _congratulated_ me on having done so well for myself, said that I was even better at whoring than her!"

He closes his eyes tightly for a moment. "You know that's not true."

"Do I? Is that what people think of me? That I spread my legs for the Supreme Leader so he'll buy me pretty baubles and keep me in gowns?" she asks furiously.

"No, Rey … no one thinks that." If they do, he'll push them out the airlock without a second thought.

"Don't they? Aren't they laughing at me? The Resistance knows I'm here with you, _obviously_ I've given you everything."

"You can't think that. Do you think that? Do you think that what we have is so _base_?" he asks in horror. The idea that she believes, even for one moment that he would ever try to bribe her makes him _livid_. He's sick of her pushing him away like this and he stands, coming to her. He towers over her and his chest heaves as he tries to calm himself down.

"No! I don't, but she said … she said …" Her shoulders sag and she hugs herself tightly.

He runs his fingers through his hair and continues to try to bring himself back under control. This is not Rey, this is what that horrible woman has made her believe. He can't allow himself to be pulled under.

"Rey, listen to me. No one thinks you're … no one thinks you're here for any reason other than that I love you. I have been quite transparent in that I want you to be my consort, my _wife_. You could never be … You are not a _transaction_." He spits the last word as if it's foul.

"But … she said …. she said …."

"I know, darling, I know. But she's _wrong_. She can't see things through any other eyes but her own life."

"Oh Maker," she says as she throws herself in his arms. He catches her and cradles her close.

"Please, my love, please. You could never be anything other than my equal, my partner. Please tell me you know that."

Her voice is young and vulnerable when she asks, "Do you really want me to be … do you really want me forever?"

"Of course I do. Oh Rey … How can you not know what I want? If I thought you were ready, I would marry you today."

"You would?"

"Yes, absolutely, unreservedly, yes."

"You won't just leave me when you're done?"

"Done? I could never be done with you. We are Bound. For the rest of our lives. And it's the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"Really?"

"Yes, really." He gathers her closer. "I'm sorry I ever brought that woman into your life. I had hoped for joy and an answer, not this horrible reality."

"I know you did. I know you just wanted to give me my family."

"I did. Desperately. I would spend hours imagining your reunion … I never thought … I never thought it would be like this."

"I know. I do," she says as she burrows even closer. He smooths his hands over her head and back, pulling her as tightly against him as he can. Holding her close, he brings them back to her settee and settles them against the cushions. She curls into his side and he kisses the top of her head.

Just then Preslan appears and jumps up onto Rey's lap, purring loudly and pushing his face against hers. She smiles at his antics and starts to pet him. Kylo can't help but smile himself at the great beast. He's obviously worried for his mistress. He reaches out and scratches him behind the ears. Ridiculous animal.

Preslan makes himself comfortable and Rey continues to idly pet him, staring off at nothing in particular.

After holding her for a long time he gently tilts her head so that he may see her face. "Rey, do you know how much I love you?"

She blinks slowly then shakes her head. "I try … but … it's so hard to hold onto, I just think about Jakku, and it slips away."

"Someday, someday you will know. I'll just have to keep telling you until you do."

She nods into his chest and he sighs, tightening his arms around her.

* * *

They fell asleep wrapped around each other, Preslan having found a ribbon to entertain himself with. Kylo had been so relieved to have her close again he'd drifted, losing consciousness. He wakes to her kissing his neck and _all_ of him stirs. He's barely awake when she captures his lips and he's kissing her back before he really understands what's going on. All he knows is that he has Rey in his arms. Rey, Rey, Rey.

She delves her tongue into his mouth and he feels her kisses chase down his spine and right to his core. Then she shifts over him and reaches down, springing his already hard cock from his trousers. It doesn't take much when he's with Rey. He's completely awake when she's pulling up her skirt and shifting down her underthings. He finally realizes what's happening and puts his hands on her biceps.

"Rey, what-"

"I don't want to think. I'm so tired of thinking. Just let me _feel_ ," she begs plaintively as she strokes his erection. Force, it feels amazing, but he can't just let his happen, something isn't right.

"Rey, I don't think you really want this."

"I do! I get to choose. I just want to lose myself in you. Please, Kylo." Her eyes are wide and pleading.

"I-" Then she's astride him and rubbing her folds along his length and stars, how can he possibly deny her? She's so slick and warm and perfect. He groans as she keeps grinding against him. Oh Maker, oh Force, he can't think. He just wants to grab her by her hips and thrust up into her, but he can't shake the feeling that this is not right.

His hands have drifted to her waist and he's pushing against her instinctively when his mind finally clears. "No, love, no." He lifts her from him and puts her next to him. She whines in disappointment.

"Don't you want me?"

"Of course I want you. But this … something's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong!" she spits "I just didn't want to think any longer! I need you, please." She grasps at him and tries to again straddle his lap and he has to push her back gently.

"Rey, please. What is it?"

"I don't want to think anymore! Why won't you let me just lose myself in you?" she pitifully asks again.

"Because whatever you're seeking, it's not what you need."

"How would you know?" she snarls.

He blinks at her harsh tone. "Rey …"

Her face falls and she hides it in her hands, moaning, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Sweetheart, no, stop. Please talk to me," he says as he pulls her hands from her face. She looks up at him and her eyes are so lost. His poor girl, how can he fix whatever is plaguing her?

"It's just too much! Everything that happened on Eshara, then my mother … I feel like I'm losing my _mind_ and I don't want to think anymore. When you're inside me I don't have to, it's just you and the Bond and everything makes _sense_." She gestures emphatically.

He's not sure what to make of this. Certain parts of his anatomy have some definitive ideas, but she's being so strange and she's just had such a blow. The last thing he wants is for her to regret making love with him. He worries it will exacerbate her fear that she's somehow a kept woman.

Rey has drawn in on herself, having pulled herself into a tight ball next to him on the settee. No matter what, he wants her to unfurl. He shifts so that he's angled towards her. He strokes her back and she relaxes a little.

"It's not that I don't want to, don't want you. I just think you're not yourself and I worry that you will wish we hadn't. You're so upset …"

"I … you're right, I just … when I'm with you is the only time I don't feel like I'm being torn apart. There's nothing but how much you love me, how much I love you. Nothing else matters but you and me."

"What do you mean, being torn apart?"

"I'm not ready to talk about that yet. Eshara … all of it, it's hard to come to terms with. I will talk with you about it. I will. Just not yet," she says pleadingly.

He frowns. She's been so different ever since he had admitted all of his actions and his worry is only increasing. But she looks so desperate for him to let this be that he decides he won't press. At least for now.

"Then, at least will you tell me what happened when you met your mother?"

She looks up over her knees and shakes her head. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I think it will help. I need to know. All I know is that she told you some foul things and asked about credits. Is that all of it?"

She slowly says, "No …"

"Please, Rey."

"I …" Her eyes are full of so much pain, he feels it deep in his chest.

"Come here, let me hold you. It will be easier if we're touching."

She nods and releases her legs, coming to settle against him. He wraps her in his long arms and pulls her into his lap. "There, that's better, isn't it?"

"Yes," she utters lowly.

He strokes her cheek with his fingers. "Tell me." He almost suggests that she show him through the Bond, but he's certain she won't let him into her in that way right now, not with how tightly she's kept it closed.

She looks up into his eyes. "She … she was high on spice when we got there. But seeing her, I remembered her, her face. I remembered how she would hold me, but never enough. I realized that most of my memories I thought were of my mother must have been another woman at that brothel. She _never_ wanted me. Not ever."

He smooths a hand along her arm, encouraging her to continue.

"But the worst part was, I still wanted to throw myself in her arms … I called her 'Mama'." Rey snorts in disbelief. "She told me she was never anyone's Mama." Rey looks away. "I thought … thought once she met me, maybe we could have something. But she was so … _cruel_. She told me I obviously got her brains to have 'done so well for myself'." She says the last in a mocking tone.

"We weren't there for more than fifteen minutes before I had to get away from her. She kept making these snide little comments about you being wrapped around my little finger and how expensive the jewelry you've given me is." She unconsciously touches the rainbow gem that she never takes off. "She made everything about us seem so … cheap. I couldn't … I couldn't listen any longer."

"Did you leave then?" he asks gently.

"No … I asked her about my father."

Kylo breathes in quickly. He hadn't asked her himself, afraid of the answer he's certain will come tumbling out of her lips. "And what did she say?"

"She … she didn't know. She said … she said it was a busy season and it didn't matter anyway. Who would claim a whore's bastard?" Rey laughs a mirthless laugh.

He closes his eyes tightly in empathy for the pain he knows is coursing through her. He nudges against the Bond and she lets it open just a little. There is a torrent of such howling sadness that it makes him gasp. Oh, Rey. He pushes through his devotion and absolute commitment to her.

She smiles softly. "I know. Right now, I know."

"Good."

He pulls her close, tucking her head under his chin while he strokes her back with his hands. "What else, sweetheart."

"Nothing really. She just wanted to know when she'd get her credits and ship. She said you promised her that if she stayed for a week after I woke up. But I don't want her to stay."

"You're sure?" It would be his _pleasure_ to get this woman off of the _Finalizer_ as quickly as possible but he doesn't want her to rush this.

"Yes, I'm sure. I'm not going to beg her to be something she never was in the first place. I have to find a way to come to terms with the fact that I don't have parents. I never really did," she says into his chest.

"She'll be gone tomorrow, then."

"Good," Rey says with a touch of venom.

He tightens his arms around her. "I wish this had all been so different."

"So do I. But … it's good to know. No matter how much it hurts, I think I'd rather know than not. Before there were just questions and dreams. At least now I know why they never came back for me. Stars, I could have left Jakku years ago …"

"Ah, but then we never would have met."

She stiffens in his arms and it concerns him. Then she relaxes into him and nuzzles her cheek against his chest. "I'm sure the Force would have found a way," she says in an odd tone.

"Are you?"

"Yes, Kylo. This was inevitable. I know that now."

He doesn't quite like how she'd phrased it, but he agrees with the general sentiment. They were meant to be together and the Force would have always ensured it.

Kylo kisses the top of her head. "I love you."

"And I love you," she says, holding him closer.

* * *

A/N: My endless thanks to my beta, CharlotteCAgain, who put up with an afternoon of "I don't think I'll get this done. No wait, I will, but too late for you to beta, no wait, just kidding, here it is." Thank you for your patience and always marvelous beta'ing.

Thank you readers! You are the engine that keeps me writing. Thank you for every read, follow, favorite, and review!


	55. Chapter 55

They're about to order an early dinner when they hear Rey's door alert. Rey goes to answer and Kylo follows a few paces behind. Rey opens the door and finds Kes waiting.

"Kes! Oh, I'm so sorry, I was going to meet you, bu-"

"It's alright, Vitok found me, she explained. That's part of why I'm here. Are you alright?" Kes asks, reaching for Rey's hands.

Rey takes them and pulls Kes inside and the door slides shut. "Come in, yes … I … well, I'll _be_ alright."

Kes comes further into her rooms but stops, dropping Rey's hands, and holds herself stiffly when she sees Kylo. His shoulders fall slightly at Kes's change in bearing.

"Hello, Kes," he offers softly.

There is a tense pause before she responds coolly, "Sir." He flinches.

Rey looks between them. "He's … spoken with you then?"

"Yes," she says tightly, offering nothing more. Kes redirects her attention to Rey. "It's the other reason I'm here. I've remembered something."

Kes very pointedly doesn't look at him. He was expecting this, but it still hurts.

"Will you come sit?" Rey asks.

"No, I'll tell you what you need to know then leave you to your evening," Kes says flatly.

Rey sighs. "I understand. You'll come tomorrow afternoon like always though, right?" There's fear in her tone.

Kes looks conflicted and pain flashes in her eyes. "I … I'm not sure. I … need some time."

"But … it wasn't me who …" Rey's face falls and she looks very confused. Kylo closes his eyes briefly. He hadn't anticipated this, that Kes would be uncomfortable around Rey. He always hurts those close to him. Why did he think that would change?

"I know. I'm not upset. With you." Her eyes flicker to him before she's looking at Rey again. "I just … need some time."

"Oh," Rey says in a small voice, looking down.

"What did you want to tell us?" Kylo interjects, trying to save Rey from any more rejection. She's already folding into herself and he wants to beg Kes to please not punish Rey for his misdeeds.

Kes looks at him with pure loathing before clearing her expression. "I know why you woke up," she says to Rey.

"What?" Rey exclaims.

"There was _another_ memory blocked. I was there when you were healed. It was Natan Ren. He came in, said he was going to try to heal you with the Force. I objected. I said I needed to get the Supreme Leader. Then the next thing I knew you were awake and I didn't remember anything but sleeping. Until after I left the Supreme Leader's office. He must have tampered with my head, too." Kes keeps her focus intently on Rey.

This doesn't make sense. Natan shouldn't be able to use such an intensely light side skill. Certainly not so well or so thoroughly. And he definitely shouldn't have been able to alter memories. He's never had the affinity. Or so Kylo thought.

"Natan Ren? Are you sure?" Kylo steps forward to ask.

"Yes. I'm sure. Sir," Kes almost snarls then takes a deep breath. "If I may take my leave, Supreme Leader?" Kes asks with stark formality.

"Kes …" Kylo says forlornly.

"No! Don't even _try_ ," Kes cries, finally breaking, her true feelings coming through. Then her eyes go wide with horror and she turns and runs to the door. "I'm sorry," she whispers to Rey, standing with her back to him and her head bent.

Rey puts her hand on Kes's arm and says, "It's alright … I'll miss you." Then Rey opens the door and Kes flees.

Kylo stands, blinking. He'd hoped it wouldn't be this difficult, but he realizes that was foolish of him. Of course Kes would be angry. He put her in an awful position … he hurt her, badly. And now … now he's hurt Rey too. Rey is standing with her arms around herself, looking at the floor.

"Rey?" he enquires cautiously.

She looks up and her eyes are so sad.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs.

Rey shrugs. "It's not your fa-" Then she stops herself. "No, it is, it's _completely_ your fault. I didn't think she'd pull away from me … I just thought she should have her memories back."

"You were right. She deserved to know. And if you hadn't insisted, we wouldn't know about Natan Ren." He wants very much to march down to Natan's quarters and demand an explanation. If he was able to heal her all that time, why didn't he? How is he able to still wield such skills? How did he even _learn_? But he can't leave Rey. Natan will have to wait.

"I suppose. I just … Kes is … she … she understands me. She didn't know anything about all of _this_ ," Rey gestures to the room, "either. We would look things up together, try on my dresses … watch all the holos … I just … I don't want to lose her," she finishes plaintively.

"You won't. She just needs time, like she said. She'll be back very soon, I'm sure. Kes … Kes loves you."

Rey blinks. "How do you know?"

"Because she was at your side almost as much as I was. She hated leaving you. She … she kept me going, her and Vitok. I know I didn't fare very well …" Rey snorts and Kylo grimaces. "But what little sanity I was able to hold onto was because of them. You matter very much to both of them."

"Oh … maybe you're right. I guess I can see how it would be hard to be around me right now. It never would have happened if it weren't for me."

"No, don't think that. None of this is your fault. It's my fault, all of it.

She lets out a long, shuddering breath. "I should be furious with you," she mutters.

He goes to stand in front of her. "Yes. You should. Why aren't you?"

She rubs her arms. "I'm too tired of being angry, there's no more room," she says hollowly.

He takes her hands and holds them, squeezing gently. "I am exceptionally sorry for what I did to Kes. I hope you know I'll never do anything like that again." He catches her eyes and she smiles slightly then her eyes cloud.

"No, but you'll invade plenty of other minds, just not my friends." Her tone is resigned.

Kylo doesn't know what to say to that. She's right. He will.

Then she shakes her head. "It doesn't matter. I'm sure you want to go find out what happened with Natan. Just don't … don't hurt him, alright?" She peers up at him.

"I won't. I wouldn't have anyway. He _saved_ you. I just don't understand why he hid it, why he left it so long. It doesn't make any _sense_."

She places her hands on his chest and her touch sparks along his skin. She may be acting oddly, but the Bond doesn't seem to know that. He strokes her upper arms with his fingers, enjoying the feel of the silk of her dress.

"Go. I'm _fine_ ," she says with a touch of exasperation.

"But we were about to have dinner …"

"Kylo, please, I'm alright. It might be nice to have some time alone. I haven't been alone really since I woke up. I need time to think about everything … my mother."

He hesitates. She's had a horrific day and he's not sure about leaving her alone. He doesn't want to be away from her, but if she wants time he knows he should give it to her. Besides, he really does want to get to the bottom of Rey's healing, now that he knows it was Natan. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." Her eyes are clear and her tone sincere.

"May I come back later?" He won't leave if she won't let him come back.

She smiles, almost sadly, and says "We always sleep together, don't we?"

"I didn't want to presume."

She laughs slightly. "You really have no idea, do you?"

"About what?" he asks in confusion.

"Being in your arms is the only time I can find peace."

"Because of your mother?"

She looks away. "Among other things," she says cryptically. Then she breathes in sharply. "Go, I'll see you soon."

He pauses for a moment more, then kisses her softly. She returns his caress and holds him briefly. Then she's shooing him out the door and he complies.

* * *

He presses the alert on Natan's quarters and waits. He hasn't worn his helmet since Eshara, but right now he almost wishes he was, he feels the need to be intimidating. He doesn't like the way this feels. He's never trusted Natan and this fuels his sense of unease.

Natan doesn't answer so he reaches out with the Force but doesn't sense him within his quarters. Fine, perhaps he's in the training room. He reaches further, searching for Natan's Force signature. He senses all of his knights _except_ Natan.

He pulls his comm from his robes. "General Hux?"

"Yes, sir?" Hux responds with a chilled tone.

"Is Natan Ren on the ship?"

"Checking now, sir."

Kylo waits, drumming his fingers along his thigh. He refuses to bark at Hux, however. Kylo's cheek has a very obvious bruise and he's feeling rather subdued where the general is concerned.

"Natan Ren left the ship three days ago, according to the logs." Natan has been gone for _three_ days? How had he missed this? Well, he knows exactly how he missed this. He's only been paying attention to Rey. He must have left directly after healing her.

"Thank you," Kylo says before shutting off his comm.

He walks slowly to Jashad's quarters, deep in thought. Chances are he'll find Palek there and he can ask them both what they know.

He again finds himself waiting outside one of his knight's quarters. Jashad answers the door, and just as he thought, Palek is with him. They look at his unmasked face and are reaching for their helmets when he gestures they stop.

"Supreme Leader," Jashad says hesitantly. His eyes flit to Kylo's hands and Kylo realizes that he's thinking of when he hit Vitok. He's been so preoccupied with Rey that he's not been paying any attention to his knights. Is that why Natan left? Was it over his treatment of Vitok?

"Jashad, Palek. Natan Ren has left the ship without authorization. Do you know anything about that?"

Palek steps forward and says, "Wylan told us _you_ sent him to track a lead on Lady Rey's father."

"Did he say where he was going?"

"No, sir," Jashad says.

"Did he tell you anything else?" Kylo asks.

"No, that was everything. Though we did find it … odd that you didn't ask us, since we tracked down her mother."

"Well, perhaps it is because I did _not_ send him," Kylo says testily. The question is, did Natan lie to Wylan, or is Wylan involved?

"Yes, sir."

"Carry on with your evening," Kylo says, already absorbed in thought. He turns and leaves without ever entering.

* * *

He would prefer not to deal with Wylan Ren, but he must find out what he knows. He grudgingly hits the door alert and waits impatiently.

Wylan opens his door and just blinks at Kylo. "What an unexpected … surprise," he finally says.

"Wylan Ren," Kylo growls. He had been useful on Eshara, but now the usual enmity has no outlet.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of a personal audience with the _Supreme Leader?_ "

Kylo ignores his taunting tone. "What do you know of Natan Ren's disappearance?"

True confusion crosses Wylan's face. "Did something happen on his mission?"

"No, he was never _sent_ on a mission. He left of his own volition after healing …" He realizes he doesn't know what to call her. Just using Rey seems far too informal for the likes of Wylan, but she's technically not Lady Rey … yet.

Wylan solves it for him when his eyes widen and he asks, "Natan healed your girl? With the Force?"

"It would appear so. Then he took his ship and left to parts unknown. Apparently he spoke to you."

Wylan shakes his head slightly. "I ran into him in the corridor, outside of his quarters. He was in a hurry, I asked him where he was going. He said he was being sent to find Rey's father."

Kylo decides that he doesn't care if she isn't technically Lady Rey, he won't have Wylan just throwing around her name so casually. He growls, "Lady Rey, I hope you meant to say."

Wylan's eyebrows rise and he smirks. " _Lady_ Rey's father, then."

He's already far too infuriated with Wylan's smug ways. It's time to go. "Did anything else happen?"

"No, he just said it in passing."

"Fine." Kylo turns on his heel and leaves without saying another word.

* * *

"General Hux, please come to my office," Kylo commands as he strides onto the bridge.

Hux looks up warily, but follows.

Once they're both in his office, Kylo closes the door with the Force and Hux jumps ever so slightly. Another time this might amuse him, but he's not interested in intimidating the general.

"I believe there is something very odd happening with Natan Ren. He has gone on an unsanctioned mission and I'd like to know how that happened."

"The Knights of Ren's movements are not questioned, Supreme Leader."

"And why is that?"

"If you'll recall, _you_ demanded that concession from Leader Snoke roughly two years ago."

Oh. That's right. He had. He'd found it utterly galling that he had to check in with Hux, and Snoke had been feeling benevolent.

"Fine. Is there at least a record of where he was going?"

Hux makes a few taps on his datapad. "No, sir. Only that he took his assigned shuttle out three days ago. Fueled for a long haul."

"Have the analysts look into his communications, holonet searches, everything. Track the ship. I want to know what he was up to. Tell me, would your investigations into the spy have included the Knights of Ren?"

Hux blinks then slowly says, "No. No they would not. They are not officially stationed on the _Finalizer_. And, frankly. They're Force users. That's _your_ department."

Kylo's jaw twitches. The throb in his cheek is the only thing that keeps him from showing the ginger irritant his place. He decides that Hux gets one more day, then he'll Force choke him if this continues.

"As you say," Kylo says through clenched teeth. "Perhaps you might widen the investigation," he says with a falsely pleasant tone.

"That does seem prudent, sir."

* * *

He spends far more time than he'd intended on the bridge as he and Hux had questioned each of the Knights of Ren in turn. Vitok had been particularly uncomfortable. At least he'd had Hux to share in _that_ awkward feeling. He smirks as he remembers Hux trying to behave like his usual self when it was obvious he was besotted and had no wish to interrogate his … whatever they are to each other.

He hadn't invaded their minds. He won't do that unless the analysts come up with damning evidence. He just kept hearing Rey's voice in his head.

Kylo is almost to Rey's quarters and his head is buzzing. He'd always thought something wasn't quite right with Natan Ren, but he also hadn't thought he would betray them to the Resistance. But with no leads and Natan's abrupt departure, he has no choice but to wonder if Natan had been the spy all along. He had the clearance to access that level of intelligence and he was always the one who paid attention to the way information moved in the fleet. He could have easily shared sensitive information with the Resistance.

However, he'd also been fiercely loyal whenever Kylo had need to delve into his mind. No … not loyal. _Committed_. He was deeply committed to the Knights of Ren. This behavior makes no sense.

He reaches her door and lets himself in. All the lights are off, save one that she's left on for him. He makes his way to her bedroom and finds Rey fast asleep. He smiles down softly. She's so beautiful like this. Her face has been marred by such anguish these past days. It's a relief to see her at peace.

Quietly, he takes off his boots and clothing, changing into a pair of sleeping pants he keeps here. Though he's not needed them until recently, always sleeping naked. He lifts the covers and slides in next to her, gathering her into his arms. She sighs and murmurs a bit, but doesn't wake. He just watches her for a long time, occasionally stroking his fingers along her cheek. Finally, he presses a kiss on her temple and falls asleep.

* * *

He wakes when he feels her leave the shelter of his arms. "Rey?"

"I'm just getting some water, go back to sleep."

Kylo watches her in the dim starlight. She's wearing a diaphanous pale gown that makes her almost glow. Maker, she's exquisite.

He's sitting up, waiting for her when she returns with her glass. She sets it on the bedside table and gets back under the blankets. She's on her side with her head on his chest and she's trailing her fingers along his skin. It makes him shiver.

"You feel good," she says.

"So do you, my love," he says as he glides his fingertips along the silken skin of her arms and exposed back. Energy trails in their wake and his whole body is exceptionally aware of every spark of her fingers on his naked chest. She turns her face and begins kissing up his skin and then she shifts, nipping and licking up his neck.

He begins to moan. He'd gone without her for so long, then only had her back for a day and a night before everything had gone to hell and it's not long before he's trembling with need. But … is it too soon? Does she really want this?

He pulls back slightly and cups her face so that he may see her eyes. "Rey … is this what you want?"

She huffs an annoyed breath. "I thought I was making that pretty obvious."

"But … you haven't been yourself, you're keeping the Bond closed … we haven't, without the Bond open. I'm not sure I … I'm not sure I _can_ without all of you."

For a moment he thinks he sees true fear but then she just looks contemplative. "You have to promise not to go poking."

"I never do." He's very careful about that, lest she keep it closed like she has been.

"Alright," she says as she's pulling him down so that they're both on their sides, facing each other. She closes the distance and captures his lips as she opens the Bond. He gasps as he _feels_ her again and it's overwhelming. He's missed her so much, and her light infuses him. He whimpers into her mouth and she runs her fingers through his hair. Force, just having her touching him like this is enough to make him begin to pant.

Just as she'd bidden, he doesn't push into her, but he can't help but sense the thick shame that's laced through her, but then it's pushed back and all he's sensing is that warm, soft feeling he knows is her love for him.

Soon, all he's really thinking about is how amazing her small hand feels as it delves into his sleeping pants and grasps him. She strokes his hardness and he pulls at her nightgown. He needs all of her skin. He needs _her_. It's been too long and he's desperate for their closeness.

He pulls her gown over her head, then quickly pushes down his own clothing. Soon he has her wrapped in his arms and he sighs to feel their skin touch _everywhere_. Kylo flips her on her back and starts to kiss along her neck then nibble at her earlobe. But he starts to feel something like panic through the Bond and he quickly pulls back to look in her face. Her eyes are wide and he's surprised to find tears.

"Darling, what is it?" he asks in alarm.

"I … I'm sorry. It's nothing." She reaches for him and kisses him, but their connection almost throbs with her sadness and he ends the kiss.

"No, Rey, it's clearly not nothing. Please talk to me."

"I … I can't." She shakes her head and a few tears slip down her cheeks.

"Why not?" She just shakes her head again. "Please … please."

"It's too soon!" she flares. "I'm not ready. I thought … I thought if we … I thought it would help me find my way back to you. Rebuild."

"Rebuild?" The way she's talking worries him. Are they broken?

"It's just harder than I thought it would be to make peace with everything that's happened. I'm confused and lost and … I just wanted to feel better," she says miserably.

"Oh Rey." He gathers her in his arms and their skin hums together. "Let's just hold each other, just like this, alright? I won't push you to talk to me, not until you're ready."

"Really?"

"I promise." That seems to soothe something in her because the roiling emotions coming through the Bond quiet and settle.

"Let's just get some sleep, alright?"

"Alright. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now, sleep."

He holds her clasped to his side with her head on his chest and gently urges her towards sleep through their connection. Soon she's breathing evenly in his arms.

But he doesn't sleep. He stares at the ceiling. Something is very wrong with Rey and he has to find a way to make her feel safe enough to let him in.

She's in his arms, she's promised to stay, yet he feels like he's losing her anyway.

* * *

"You have one hour to pack your belongings and then you're leaving," Kylo growls at Lann Tren the next morning.

Rey had been resolute when he talked with her about it when they woke up; she wants Lann Tren gone and he's only too happy to oblige. Technically, Lann Tren has no belongings, but he'd arranged for clothing for her during her stay.

"I thought I had to stay a week after _she_ woke up?"

"Your _daughter_ has no wish to see you again."

"Good," Lann says as she begins to stuff her new clothing into the provided bag.

"Good? You truly have no wish to know her? I don't understand how you could throw away such an amazing young woman!" Rey is everything pure and good, how could this vile woman reject her so cruelly?

She angrily throws a shirt into the bag and spits, "I know that! Why do you think I won't get to know her? I told you. Nothing good can come from having me in her life. She's a sweet girl with all the promise in the galaxy. What do you think would happen? I would only hurt her, taint her. I shouldn't be anywhere _near_ her. I never should have!"

Kylo blinks and cocks his head. "You abandoned her to … protect her?"

"Sylten said that Plutt guy would take care of her, made him promise she'd never go into the skin trade. I got her out of that brothel and away from me. It was the best I could do for her!"

His head is spinning. He hadn't anticipated this unexpected depth to her actions. "Then why reject her now?"

"Don't you get it? I'm poison. I don't _deserve_ to know her. That Kes girl told me about some woman named Leia, that's the mother she deserves, not some spiced out, used up whore. So let me go back to my oblivion and let her heal. This is the best I can do for her."

"You abandoned her on Jakku out of _kindness_?" Kylo sneers, wondering if he's just being manipulated.

"I've never done a selfless thing in my life. I wanted to get away from that brat, don't think I did it for her. But I _did_ try to make her life better than the one she would have had with me. It was better for both of us. And now, let me go and let her forget about me."

He reaches into his robes and pulls out a slim, sliver card. "This, Lann Tren, is enough credits to see you comfortable for many years."

"You and I both know I don't have many years left," she scoffs.

"Still, a bargain is a bargain."

Lann packs the last of her clothing and walks up to him, taking the offered card. "You'll take care of her, right?" she asks with surprising vulnerability.

"Yes. I will see her happy and whole if it's the last thing I do."

For the first time, Kylo sees her smile.

"Good."

* * *

"Lann Tren departed approximately ten minutes ago, sir," Hux reports.

"Thank you, Hux," he says absently.

Hux is turning to leave when Kylo says, "Wait, General Hux,"

He pivots back around. "Sir?"

"I _am_ sorry for what I did to Vitok … to Shree. You won't have to sucker punch me again," Kylo says ruefully.

"I'm glad to hear it. And put some bacta on that bruise. No one wants a martyr for Supreme Leader." The general sniffs imperiously.

"As you wish, General Hux," Kylo says, suppressing a smile.

* * *

"You asked to speak with me Captain Phasma?" Kylo asks as the tall leader of the stormtroopers enters his office.

"Yes, Supreme Leader. Thank you for making time to see me, sir."

He gestures to the chair in front of his desk and seats himself. "Please, take off your helmet."

"Sir?"

"I find I prefer to see the face of the person I'm speaking to." He indicates his own unmasked face.

Slowly, Phasma reaches up and removes her helmet. Kylo realizes he's never seen her face. She's pale, with short blonde hair and piercing blue eyes.

"Why did you wish to see me?" Kylo asks.

"It's about the stormtrooper program and KS-2153, commonly known as Kes."

He sits up at that. "What does this have to do with Kes?" It doesn't matter what she's done, she won't be punished.

"KS-2153 came to me to request reassignment as a stormtrooper, sir."

His stomach sinks. She's so determined not to see him that she'd prefer to return to her old duties? "I see. And what does this have to do with the stormtrooper program?"

"While I wish I had been involved in the changes," she says with thinly veiled annoyance, "I can't deny that they've been extremely effective. I've not seen morale this high since I became a trooper myself. Well, actually, it's never been this high."

"And?"

"And KS-2153 has been integral to that success. I would not like to see her step down from her position."

"If Kes would prefer to return to being a regular stormtrooper, that's her decision." He's done taking Kes's free will.

Phasma blinks. "I don't believe that's in the best interest of the Order, sir."

"If it's what Kes wants, it's what will happen."

Phasma hesitates. "Perhaps there is another solution. Though she didn't say anything, I believe the issue is reporting to you. Sir."

Kylo looks down. "That may be the case," he says to his hands.

"Then may I propose that she report to me, and I report to you? It would solve one glaring oversight in your recent changes."

"And that is?"

"Me. I have led these men and women for ten years, sir. No one knows our troopers better than I do."

Kylo sits back in his chair and regards the exceedingly tall woman. He steeples his fingers and thinks. "You propose that Kes reports to you and you report to me."

"Yes, sir."

This would allow Kes to keep her quarters and still have time to see Rey. He very much wants her to have time for Rey. His love had seemed almost bereft at the prospect of not having her afternoons with her friend. Additionally, Captain Phasma probably _should_ have been more involved, he'd simply been focused on making things better for Kes.

"Alright, Captain Phasma, we'll try it your way."

* * *

That evening he lets himself into her quarters and is surprised to find she's not there. Where could she be? She's left the Bond open just a hint so that he may feel her flowing throughout the day. She's still sad, but that's to be expected. He follows the link and finds she's in the knights' training room. Why would she be there at this hour? She usually trains in the mornings. They were meant to have dinner together.

He _could_ nudge her through the Bond, but he gets an idea. Perhaps she'll spar with him? Oh, he's wanted to do this, so badly. The thought of crossing sabers with her again makes him shiver deliciously. Grinning, he starts for the training room, anticipation singing in his blood.

* * *

At first he can't quite parse what he's seeing. In the middle of the training room stands Rey. In Wylan's arms. She's squirming against _Wylan_. But that can't be right, Rey wouldn't do that. Would she? She's been so strange. Is this why? Then Wylan pulls her closer and without thought, Kylo reaches out with the Force as violent jealousy rides him hard. He rips Wylan from her, slamming him into the wall. Kylo is on him before he's even hit the ground. He punches Wylan hard in the face and feels his nose break. Pulsing rage floods Kylo's system. Then he's hitting Wylan again and again.

Years of abuse and vitriol from his childhood come pouring from his fists. Wylan, who always knew just how to sharpen his words on a lonely boy's pain. Wylan, no Jerik, _Jerik_ who taunted him mercilessly about everything, from his family to his big ears, it was all used to break him down. Jerik made sure no one but Orin would befriend him, whispering about how he was too good for the commoners, the spoiled little princeling.

And now Jerik has tried to take Rey from him. No one takes Rey from him. _No one_. She's his, now and forever. He'll kill anyone he has to to keep her. If she wants Wylan instead, Wylan will die. She'll understand soon enough that there is only Kylo Ren for her. Wylan's eye socket crunches under a powerful blow and he finally feels Rey pulling at him.

"-op! Stop! Kylo, please, you'll kill him."

He pauses long enough to spit "That's the idea, my dear." Then he lands another blow on Wylan's face, his own hands fractured.

But then he's absolutely overwhelmed as she opens the Bond and fills him to the brim with pulsing light. He's Force pulled off of Wylan and finds he can't move. He can barely think through the intoxicating feeling of her light, drowning him, filling him, healing him. Soon the bones in his hands are again whole.

Then it's over as quickly as it started and he gasps at how cold and empty he feels at her fast withdrawal. She has her hands out and is looking at him with wide eyes. Rey drops her arms and rushes to Wylan's side, blue healing light pouring from her hands. Wylan takes in a wet breath, then it clears as his face is knitted back together. By now Kylo is able to move, her attention focused on Wylan instead of keeping him frozen.

Kylo staggers to his feet, and stalks over to Rey and Wylan. "Get. Away. From. Him," he growls.

"Not until I'm done healing him, you _animal_ ," she spits right back.

"He had his hands all over you," Kylo snarls.

"Be quiet, I need to focus," she grinds out.

The murderous rage has left him but he's still impossibly angry. This is it for Wylan. He's off the _Finalizer_ just as soon as they determine if he helped Natan.

Finally Rey finishes and Wylan sits up, rubbing his still-bloody face. He looks at Kylo without his usual smirk, then back to Rey.

"Don't you dare look at her," Kylo bites out through clenched teeth. Wylan immediately obeys and scrambles to his feet. With one last fearful look at Kylo he nearly runs from the training room.

Now Rey is standing in the middle of the room, breathing hard. She bends over and puts her hands on her knees and hangs her head, panting. Then she stands again and her breathing has calmed. He watches as the indignant fire leaves her and she just seems sad again.

"Why were you _touching_ Wylan Ren?" he accuses.

"Is _that_ what you thought happened?" She shakes her head.

"Why were you even here with him? Were you meeting him?" Suspicion threads through his words.

"What? How could you possibly think that? You're insane, Kylo. What do I have to do for you to trust me? How much of me are you going to take?" she cries.

"You were in his arms!"

"Thank you so much for your faith. I was _training_ , Kes didn't come this afternoon … I was upset, I lost track of time. Wylan came in, he tried to leave but I called for him."

"Why would you do that if you were-"

"Because I wanted to _thank_ him. Vitok told me if he hadn't gotten me to the med bay as quickly as he did I might have died right then and there. But then he got all … _Wylan_ and started saying disgusting things. What you saw was him forcing himself on me and _me_ pushing him away.

He should have killed him. Snapped his neck and been done with it. Wylan put his hands on his beloved and there _will_ be consequences. "Did he hurt you?" he asks, his voice low in his throat.

"No, I'm fine. The only person who hurt me was _you_." She points her finger at him and her eyes flash with fire.

"What, how?" He goes over to her and tries to check for injuries but she spins away from him.

"Not _physically_. I was about to use the Force on him when you came in. _Then_ I was going to tell you what happened. I can't believe you thought I would do that. After everything I've given you. Everything I've given _up_ for you …"

She's right. He did doubt her. He never should have doubted his Rey. "I … I'm sorry."

"You're always sorry. How about you learn to control yourself so you don't have to keep apologizing?"

"I … I don't know what to say."

She looks up at him, her eyes bleak. "I know," she says with resignation. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up then have dinner."

"You … you still want to have dinner with me?"

"Oh Kylo, what would be the point in denying you?"

"I don't understand."

Rey sighs. "I know you don't."

* * *

The next day Kylo is standing on the bridge, contemplating recent events. Rey is still subdued and he's decided that tonight she _will_ speak to him, promises be damned. Something is terribly wrong and he must find a way to fix it. He's also decided that if Kes continues to shun Rey beyond a few days, he's going to ask Vitok to speak with her. He knows Kes staying away is hurting Rey, deeply.

It's beginning to look like his mother won't be coming. It's been over a week since he sent the transmission, and unless they're exceptionally far away, he should have heard something by now. He doesn't know how to tell Rey. He really thought she would come, he'd made it clear Rey was in danger.

Besides … he wants his Rey back. She's a pale shadow of herself and perhaps Leia Organa can succeed where he has failed. He's willing to do quite a bit to ease the way. Concessions … perhaps regular communications between the two women? Improved diplomatic relations between the First Order and the remnants of the New Republic … he has many ideas he had planned on discussing with his mother once he got over the pain of seeing her again.

He finds he's not nearly so angry with her now. Perhaps it's Rey, knowing how kind his mother was to her, knowing how much she means to his beloved. It makes it harder to hold onto his rage. It's difficult to feel abandoned when your mate was literally thrown away.

Kylo purposefully doesn't think about what happened with his father. He just has to hope that Rey is right, that perhaps there could still be … something between him and the woman he'd walked away from seven years ago. He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he's … open to exploring the possibilities.

"Sir, we're being hailed by the _Tarkin_ ," a young officer informs him. The _Tarkin_. That's General Jehan's ship. What is she doing _here_? They were supposed to be in the Western Reaches.

"Put them through," Hux commands.

Curious, Kylo moves to stand next to the general. Through the viewscreen he sees the _Tarkin_ and the great Star Destroyer is badly scarred from battle. Ice freezes in his veins and he's filled with foreboding. No … she wouldn't have …

General Jehan comes into view. "Supreme Leader, General Hux; I am proud to inform you that the traitor Leia Organa has been killed."

* * *

A/N: All is not as it seems and I will do my best to get the next chapter up as soon as I can. There will be no regular posting schedule in the month of April as I'm moving. I will post when I can. Regular Monday updates will resume in May.

Thank you to my wonderful beta, CharlotteCAgain, who encourages me and always gives me the courage to post.

Thank you readers! I do hope you don't hate me right now. I promise I'll never do you wrong and that your trust in me is not unfounded. You are all marvelous. Thank you for every read, follow, favorite and review! They really do mean the world to me and I enjoy them immensely.


	56. Chapter 56

Killed. Leia Organa has been … killed. His ears roar and time slows. He feels like he's underwater and nothing is getting through. He stands completely still, with unseeing eyes. He hasn't been able to feel her through the Force since he began practicing the dark side. He'd never know if she died. Dead. Mother. Killed. Bright red saber going through her chest. No, that's not right. A flash of her face from the transmission, her brown eyes he knows so well. Quiet moments when she'd brush his hair. How it felt to be in her lap, in her arms. Warm. Safe. Mama … _gone_. No, no, _no_!

Hux lunges for his comm and Kylo dimly hears him shout, "Shree, get Lady Rey to the bridge immediately … no time, get her here now!"

Rey. Yes, Hux is right, he needs Rey. He almost beats against the Bond but stops when he realizes ... Oh no, he has to tell Rey, he can't do that through the Bond. He turns on his heel. He needs to get to Rey before someone else tells her. Mama … Rey's tear-stained face when she knows. A warm hand against his face. Falling, falling, falling.

Late night treats and stolen afternoons when she took him out of school. Mother's grateful face when he'd ripped that horrible man away from her. Picking flowers for her hair. Mama!

Then he starts to regain his focus and he finally takes in that General Jehan is still speaking. He slowly turns to hear her ranting. Cold fury burns in his eyes. Hux moves several paces away from him.

"-a glorious day for the First Order! We made great strides in stopping the terrorists that have plagued us. They've lost their leader and they will scatter to the winds. We destroyed her ship with all hands on board. Too long has the First Order been playing games of diplomacy. Where is the First Order that destroyed the New Republic? Decisive, bold action was needed and I took that ris-

General Jehan's image grasps her throat and she starts to choke.

In a low, menacing tone that slowly rises, Kylo says, "She. Was. My. _Mother_!" He screams the last word and Jehan's eyes bulge with fear. She starts to shake her head frantically and scrabble at her neck.

"Oh yes, _General Jehan_ , you see the problem now. Perhaps you should have followed _orders_." He releases her throat and burns pure pain along her veins. She screams, writhing in agony. He lifts her twitching body and the Force scours her nerves. The officers on both bridges stand, frozen, watching, _fearing_. Soon Jehan is begging and crying, moaning how she didn't know.

"You didn't know!" he roars. "You think that's an excuse, _traitor_?" He closes his fist and yanks it through the air. General Jehan's neck snaps and she tumbles to the deck in a heap, dead.

Her first officer looks down on her body and blinks.

Kylo stalks closer to the screen and lifts his hand threateningly. "Tell me, did you attempt to stop her as she went against a _direct_ order from your _Supreme Leader_?"

"I did advise against it, s-sir."

"Not good enough," he snarls and again twists his wrist in a flourish and the unfortunate officer joins his general.

"Who's next," he growls.

Hux says into his comm, "Shree, how much longer?"

"We're almost there," Vitok's voice comes through the speaker.

"I said, who's next!" Kylo bellows. _Mama_ … No one moves, so he lifts both hands and all of the officers he can see on the bridge of the _Tarkin_ start to choke.

"Kylo, no!" Rey screams as she races onto the bridge.

Rey? Rey is here. He must protect her from this knowledge, get her somewhere safe and quiet where he can tell her … explain. Mama …

He drops his hands and the recently doomed officers gasp and hold their throats. He spins and strides to Rey, pulling her into his arms and burying his face in her hair. She's here, she's here. He can face this so long as she's here.

"Kylo, what …?" Her arms automatically go around him and he crushes her to his chest. "What is it, what's wrong?"

"I'll tell you, I will, just not here." His voice breaks. Loving brown eyes sear his brain with too many feelings to name.

She tentatively opens the Bond and her knees go weak and she sags in his arms. "Maker, Kylo, what is it, you feel like you're _dying_. What's happened?" she asks frantically.

"Come, let's go to your quarters." His voice shakes.

"But …"

"Please. I don't want to be observed right now."

"Alright, let's go."

Kylo orders over his shoulder, "Have all of the high ranking officers on the _Tarkin_ taken into custody, General Hux."

"Yes, Supreme Leader."

He looks back to Rey and turns them but keeps her tightly in his arms and they walk awkwardly off of the bridge. He has to hold onto Rey or else he knows he'll fly apart.

* * *

As soon as they cross her threshold she begs, "Please, tell me, oh Force, what's happened?"

He can't speak, just keeps her as close as he can, his face pressed against her neck. She strokes his back and murmurs, "Please, Kylo, what is it? You're scaring me."

Kylo shudders. How is he going to tell her this? After everything this … this will _break_ her.

He draws back slightly and cups her face with his large hand. "Rey … I don't know how to say this …" Mama … Memories are pulling at him, so many bed-time conversations and long-buried feelings of acceptance. Things he's denied for years, things he couldn't allow himself to feel. Mama!

"Please?" she pleads with huge, fearful eyes.

"It's … it's my mother," he forces himself to say. The word is like a knife, splitting him open.

"Leia? What's wrong, is she … hurt?" she asks fearfully.

"No … I'm sorry Rey, but my mother … she's been …" His eyes sting and his throat is tight as he chokes out, "Killed."

Rey's face doesn't move and she blinks rapidly. Then she clutches him hard and shakes her head forcefully. "No … no … NO!" Tears well in her eyes and she starts to sink to her knees but he holds her fast as she goes limp in his arms.

"No, please, not Leia, no!" she wails.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry Rey, I'm so sorry."

"What happened to her, who did this?"

"She … she was coming here and … the ship was attacked."

"Who attacked her?" she asks desperately.

"It was ..." How to explain? "It was a First Order ship, the _Tarkin_."

"The First Order killed her? _You_ killed her?" she accuses, ripping from his arms. She stares at him with open horror.

"No! _No_ , I ordered that she be given safe passage. It was a fleet-wide order, but General Jehan … she didn't listen, she … they destroyed her ship." He flinches as he imagines his mother's terrifying final moments.

"That's why … that's why you were choking all of those people, why those two were dead." She nods vaguely in dawning realization.

"Yes." Mama …

He reaches for her and she hesitates but then she lets herself be gathered to him again.

"Leia …" she moans into his chest.

"I know, sweetheart, I _know_."

She looks up at him and gasps. "Oh, Maker. I'm sorry! Your _mother_ , Force, I've been so selfish. I … Oh Kylo." She takes his face in her hands and looks into his eyes. She opens the Bond even further and he feels her anguish and how much she loves him, how worried she is for him.

He lets her in and lets her feel his torment … his guilt. "I didn't kill her, but it _is_ my fault she's gone."

"No … no. It's not your fault that general disobeyed your orders."

"I'm the Supreme Leader, anything the First Order does is done in my name," he snaps and she draws back slightly. "I'm sorry, Rey. I just … my mother …" he says bleakly.

"I know, I know," she says as she guides his head to her shoulder. He has to hunch, but it feels so good to have Rey holding him.

They stand and words cease to matter as they feel each other through the Bond. She shares how dearly she loves Leia, how she spent most of her time with his estranged mother. Hours spent talking about Rey's past and his history. She gifts him with a memory of her and his mother sitting together.

"Rey … I know you're afraid of this Bond you have with my son, but I don't think he'll ever hurt you. He was a gentle boy, he loved fiercely," his mother says with affection.

Kylo is mesmerized by her smiling face. She looks like he remembers her, just older.

His mother sighs and then huffs a brief laugh. She reaches out and takes Rey's hand. "He was always very protective of me. I was so proud of him. He was always such a smart child, such an agile mind. But he felt things deeply. Too deeply. Every cut went right to the core." He can _feel_ his mother's hand through the memory and he lets out a shuddering sigh.

The way she's looking at Rey, so fondly, it's how she used to look at _him_. And oh how it hurts. Then it hits him.

He'll never see her again, never be able to mend things. He'll never again feel his mother's arms around him. Never again see those bright, intelligent eyes that always saw everything … Oh Maker, he has no parents and both of them are dead because of him. His fault, his fault, his fault.

What has he done? Force, what has he _done_?

He pulls from her and a wounded sound is torn from his throat. He looks around wildly and Rey stands with her hands outstretched.

"Kylo, please, come here."

"No! I don't deserve your comfort. I'm a monster! I killed them! My own parents. What kind of unnatural thing _am_ I?" he sobs as the tears finally start.

He grabs his head and starts to rock back and forth. "Mama, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he wails into the ether. He can't breathe. What has he _done_? Mama. His chest feels like it's caving in and he chokes on his tears. His fault.

Rey tries to approach him but he whirls away from her. "Don't touch me! Don't come anywhere near me. I'll just hurt you, too. Oh, Maker, why was I even born?" What kind of twisted thing _is_ he?

What's the point of him? He destroys everything, _everything_. He murdered his own father and his mother died because of his cause. What price will the dark side extract next? Is he fated to kill Rey too? He starts to pound at his temples. He sees his father's forgiving face as his body falls and imagines his mother dying afraid. Oh no, oh no. She must have thought it had all been a trap. She died thinking he'd betrayed her.

"Rey!" he cries out. "She died thinking I did this, that I lured her, oh Force, how do I live with this?" He feels nauseous with the realization. Mama, Mama, Mama. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

He sinks to his knees and howls like a dying animal. He can't catch his breath and his heart is pounding wildly. He feels like it's going to explode and he wonders if the Force would be so kind. Yes, make it stop, make the pain stop. Anything, just make it stop. Mama, please, Mama.

Then Rey's arms come around him and this time he lets her. She's kneeling next to him and rocking him back and forth. "Shhh … shhh."

"She died thinking I killed her, Rey, oh Rey," he moans.

"No, I don't believe that. She wouldn't have thought that."

He weeps against her shoulder, holding her fast. "She thought I might force you, of course she thought I would betray her," he whispers through his tears.

"No, she never thought that, not really. She just wanted to make Luke act."

"She believed it enough to make sure you had the implant," he reminds her.

"She was just being prudent. You know how she is … was."

He smiles through his tears. Yes, his mother always had contingencies. But then another wave of pain overtakes him and he's again sobbing. Mama …

Playing in the waves on Sheytaya, her happy face when he brought her breakfast in bed for the first time all by himself. Mama … Her voice as she sang him to sleep. Her long hair tickling his face. It hurts, Mama, it hurts.

Rey continues to cradle and soothe him and the Bond is full of her light. She coos nonsense and he starts to calm. Rey is here, he will be alright, he has Rey. She's lost her too. Eventually he just sniffles and lets out a quavering breath.

"Come on, let's get you up off the floor, alright?" she asks gently.

He nods slightly and allows her to encourage him to his feet. She takes him to her settee and pushes him down. He just sits, numbly staring off into space. She starts to move from him and he snatches her wrist. "No!" he cries in a panic.

"I'm just going to get a cloth for your face."

He realizes he's an utter mess. "Oh."

She smiles at him then goes to her 'fresher. She returns swiftly and stands in front of him, wiping his face with a dampened cloth. He supposes he should be embarrassed, but there's something about her deft fingers against his face that's so comforting, the warmth of the cloth making the coldness recede. He just closes his eyes and lets her tend to him. When she's done, she places it on her side table then settles herself in his lap. He immediately pulls her close.

Rey strokes his hair and he leans into her touch. After a long time she says, "Leia is the closest thing to a mother I've ever experienced. She was so good to me."

"She loved you." He looks down into her face.

Rey frowns slightly. "I don't know about that. I know I love her."

He tucks her head under his chin and holds her close, pushing his own grief back. Now it's his turn to comfort her. "No, I promise you. My mother loved you, even if she never said as much. In that memory you shared, I could see it in her eyes. You were more than just someone she felt honor-bound to protect."

"I hope that's true." Then Rey breathes in quickly and he shifts her to look at her face. Tears are falling down her cheeks.

"Oh, Rey."

She sniffs and wipes away the tears quickly. "I'm sorry. I'm being so selfish." But the tears won't stop.

"No, no, you lost her, too. You aren't being selfish at all."

"You've just lost your _mother_ , I should be taking care of you."

"We'll take care of each other." He pushes a tendril of her hair behind her ear. "Tell me more about your time with her."

She looks at him cautiously. "Are you sure? You don't like it when I talk about Leia."

"I'd like … I'd like to know more about who she was … I haven't seen her in eight years and it's been 20 years since I spent any real time with her. And now I never will," he says as he has to close his eyes against the pain and focus on his breathing. He won't allow himself to be pulled under again, Rey needs him. When he opens his eyes again he finds Rey watching him.

"Did you want to? To see her?" Rey asks carefully.

He lets out a slow breath. "Yes. Yes, I wanted to see her. I was hopeful she would come … that maybe …" He looks away.

"Oh, Kylo …"

"It doesn't matter now, obviously."

"Of course it matters. Maybe … maybe you could still talk to her?"

He snorts. "I'm not the sort to talk to someone who isn't there."

Rey looks at him in disbelief. "She died in the light. She might become a Force ghost. You could tell her that you didn't mean for her to die, that you didn't order that."

She's right. He's filled with cautious hope. Perhaps there is a chance. One more chance to tell her all the things swirling in his chest. To make sure she knows he'd didn't betray her. That he would never betray her. How sorry he is for … his father.

"Please, tell me more about her. I'd like … I'd like to know."

"Well, she always made time to visit the wounded soldiers …"

* * *

They spend the rest of the day sharing stories about his mother and holding each other through their grief and tears. He learns that his mother always kept a picture of him on her desk wherever her duties took her. Rey told him of how they visited the wounded soldiers every night and how at first it had been hard for Rey. She wasn't used to people or bringing comfort. Leia would show her how to sit and talk with them or hold their hand if they were unconscious. Rey learned how to ask the right questions to get the soldiers to start talking and how not to flinch from being so close to other people.

She explained how Leia helped her understand people and how to accept friendships. He'd realized that his mother really had treated Rey like her own daughter, teaching her everything her own mother should have.

Now they're lying in her bed and Rey's head is on his chest. He's ashamed of how he'd never let his mother address things with them after the disastrous event that sent him to the Academy. He sees now how hard she'd tried. But he'd been too angry and hurt to let her truly fix things between them. He tries to hold onto Rey's idea that she'll be able to speak with him through the Force.

He idly strokes her hair. He feels hollowed out and as if nothing will ever be the same. There is an aching hole in his foundation. He doesn't have any more tears but he needs something. He needs to _feel_. Anything but this bleak sadness. She's let the Bond flow between them all day and that provides some comfort. He feels the same emptiness coming from Rey and he turns his head and caresses her forehead. He closes his eyes and concentrates on the feeling of her in his arms.

She begins to trail her fingers along his naked chest, and he feels the Bond lick his skin, making him shiver with each stroke. Oh Rey … he needs … but no, he shouldn't seek solace from her body, much as he may dearly wish to.

She's warm and safe. Everything will be alright. He still has Rey. She's seen him through his storms before and she'll be by his side for this. The more he focuses on her skin, the better he feels and oh how he wishes he could make love to her. He just wants to lose himself in her, not have to face this, if only for a little while. But he won't push her. He continues to simply feel her and tries to content himself with that. Her fingers continue to glide along his chest and it only serves to stoke his desire.

Rey shifts and moves up his body until her face is close to his. She searches his eyes then she kisses him long and slow. She draws her tongue along his bottom lip and he opens for her. Oh, so glorious, kissing her, running his hands along her body. He kneads his fingers into her back and he wants to pull her over him, thrust against her heat, but he holds himself in check.

She kisses along his cheek until her lips are at his earlobe. She nibbles slightly then murmurs into his ear, "Kylo, I need you, and I think you need me, too."

Force, yes, he needs her. Needs to feel whole, the only way she can make him. Needs to feel loved, the way only she can. Then she's kissing him again and she opens the Bond fully. Her blissful, beguiling, healing light pours into him, pushing back his sadness, reminding him what forgiveness feels like.

He tangles his hand in her hair and pulls her until she's straddling him, just like he'd wanted to, their mouths still fused. Her lithe body against his helps make it all go away. All there is is Rey … perfect Rey.

He kisses her deeply, enjoying the feel of her hot mouth. Her tongue against his sends waves of pleasure through him and he feels himself growing hard. He probes gently, trying to make sure this is what she wants and she pulls back slightly. "No … don't go looking."

"I wasn't, I just wanted to make sure this is alright."

"I told you. I _need_ you. Please help me forget. Remind me what we have. Please, Kylo," she entreats. Then she rolls her hips against his length and pushes through another tendril of her beautiful light and he groans. Force, she feels so good. She's tugging slightly on his hair, then she sucks right at his pulse point while continuing to grind against him. "I need you," she breathes against his neck.

"Stars, I need you too," he moans. He takes her face in his hand and kisses her long and slow. His hands slide up her silken thighs as he pushes her nightgown up past her hips. He whimpers in protest when she ends the kiss to sit up and pull her nightgown over her head. He cups her bottom with his large hands and is pleased to find she hadn't worn anything under her night clothes.

He grasps her by the waist and flips them, settling himself in the cradle of her hips. He kisses down her throat and stops at her delectable breast, drawing her nipple between his lips. He loves how it feels when it tightens in his mouth and he sucks. She lets out a cry of pleasure and he smiles as he continues to suckle against her.

He draws his hand lightly along her torso, then over the slight softness of her belly until finally he reaches her center. He curls one finger deep inside and she bucks against his hand. She's so wet. Just for him. Always just for him. He shifts to the other nipple, making sure to give each beautiful point equal attention while he finds that perfect node and begins to swirl circles with his fingers. Rey begins to pant.

"I've missed you. Maker, Kylo, I love your hands."

He pulls back from her breast and grins. "You were made to fit in my hands. Every part of you was built for me."

"Yes, yes!" she calls as he speeds his pace.

He continues his journey along her body and kisses down the center of her chest, then her bellybutton, and finally he kisses her mons before shifting so that his face is between her thighs. It's been so long since he's tasted her. He opens her with his fingers, just wanting to see how gorgeous she is. "Mmmm, you're so beautiful, Rey." Then he descends and swirls his tongue along her clit. He groans in gratification. He'll never get enough of this, being surrounded, engulfed by his Rey.

He grasps her by her thighs and buries his tongue as deeply as he can, thrusting in and out of her, capturing her essence. He hums happily as he loses himself to the bliss of pleasuring his beloved.

Then she's pulling at his shoulders. "Please, I need you inside. Deep inside so I don't feel empty anymore."

He's only too happy to fulfill her every request, pushing down his sleep pants while continuing to lap at her. He gives her one final lick, then moves up her body. Her eyes are glazed with lust and he hovers just outside, his cock jutting out against her, but only just pressing into her.

"Please, Kylo, please!"

"Yes, my love," he purrs as he enters her so slowly. He feels her heels digging into him, trying to pull him in faster, but he maintains his agonizing pace.

"Please!"

Then he plunges all the way in and soon they find their rhythm. So good. So tight. So hot.

"This was made for me too," he croons, snapping his hips to prove his point.

Rey nods, "Uh huh."

He lifts one of her legs and goes up on his knees and it allows him the most beautiful sight he's ever seen. Rey, laid out for him, gorgeous and bare. He can see how he disappears into her and Force, he's filled with a deep, masculine sense of possession. She's his. No one but him will ever share this with her. His cock is the only one she will ever know and he growls, "Made for me, just for me."

"Yes, just for you." She thrusts back against him, causing him to go even deeper. Then he angles his hips to catch her at just the right spot and she begins to keen. Those marvelous pulses are beginning and he's hungry for her orgasm. He wants it. He needs it. He craves her pleasure like air.

He speeds up his tempo and doesn't that make her breasts bounce so nicely? But he wants to be close to her when she comes so he lets go of her ankle and her legs wrap around his waist as he drops down to his elbows. Now his face is very close to hers and he holds her endless hazel eyes in his gaze.

"Made for me," he croons. "All for me."

She bites her lip and nods, she's so close she can't seem to form words. She's calling out and there, there it is. Her walls clench around him and he groans. "Yes, let me feel you, beloved. That's made for me, too." Then he senses it, that amazing, singular sensation of her ecstasy. He holds her eyes as she rides out her pleasure.

He kisses her, firm and deep as he pushes into her over and over. Now it's his turn. He wants to drown in her and never think again. He wants to forget his name. He only wants to live forever in this moment, buried in his Rey. He loves kissing her while he's in her, but he needs her eyes so he pulls back as his release is gathering in his core.

"You're perfect, I love you, Maker Rey, I love you!" he calls out as he thrusts into her one final time, spending himself deep within her. Rope after rope leaves him and he moans out her name with each pulse.

He blinks down on her and there's a whisper of something … not quite right, but then it's gone and she's smiling.

"Thank you, Rey." He kisses along her cheek, then her neck, before nestling his head in the space between her head and her shoulder, trying to catch his breath.

After all that has happened, he'd needed this, oh Maker, how he'd needed this. In the afterglow, all he has to think about is how much he loves Rey.

He nuzzles her cheek and breathes out, "Made for me."

* * *

A/N: Please stick with me, I think you'll all be happy with where this goes.

Thank you jackie_01 for the very helpful alpha read, you give great advice. Thank you CharlotteCAgain for being such a wonderful beta. You always turn it around so quickly and point out just the right spots where it needs tweaking.

Thank you readers! You are such a supportive and wonderful group of people. I couldn't ask for a better community. Thank you for every follow, favorite, and review! I love hearing what you think, it really helps me craft the story.


	57. Chapter 57

He wakes quickly when Preslan lands on his chest, meowing frantically.

"Beast!" he growls. He immediately realizes Rey isn't next to him and then he hears something … a strangled sob. He leaps from bed, pushing Preslan off of him and races into her sitting room to find her kneeling on the floor rocking back and forth. She has her hands over her mouth, trying to stifle her weeping.

He rushes to her and kneels next to her. "Rey!"

She turns her head and looks up at him. Her face is the picture of abject misery as fat tears streak down her face.

"Oh Rey ..." He tries to pull her into his arms but she stiffens. "What is it?"

She shakes her head and cries harder.

"Please, let me hold you, let me comfort you." He won't ask her to explain yet, she can barely catch her breath through her tears.

Rey nods the tiniest nod and he again puts his arms around her. This time she leans into him and clutches at his chest. She weeps into him and he pulls her all the way into his embrace. They sit awkwardly on her floor and she trembles in his arms, continuing to weep.

He cradles her to him and rocks slightly. "Shhh, shhh, it's alright, it's alright." Is this about his mother? The thought rents through him as he remembers that his mother is dead, but he chooses not to think about it further. Rey is breaking down and he refuses to make her care for him right now.

Eventually she cries herself out and she gets the hiccups.

"Just breathe, sweetheart."

She does as he's suggested and breathes in and out, in and out. Soon she's just making small whimpers. After she finally quiets he looks down on her face. Her eyes are wet and haunted and her beautiful face is blotchy from crying. He reaches up and wipes the tears from her cheeks and kisses her forehead.

"What is it? Please tell me."

Her eyes plead with him and she shakes her head.

"Please, Rey … talk to me. You have to talk to me. Something has been wrong for days, even before … before my mother. What is it?"

"I can't," she whispers.

"Why?" he asks, trying to keep the desperation from his tone.

In a voice so low he can barely hear she says, "I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't _care_ if you hurt me, I just need to _know_. Love, I'm so worried about you." He strokes her hair out of her face, cradling the back of her head.

She nods slightly. "I know you are. I'm worried about me, too."

"Please, please, trust me. I promise to listen and do everything in my power to fix it."

She sighs heavily and looks down. "You can't fix it."

"Let me try?"

"It doesn't matter. Nothing can change."

"Please, Rey, you have to tell me. Knowing you're hurting, the way you're pulling away. I can't … I can't take it. Not now. Not after … my mother. Please, sweetheart … please."

Finally she meets his eyes and nods. In a toneless voice she says, "Leia, losing her … it made me see clearly again, made me wake up … I forgot. For a time I forgot. But I can't make myself forget again."

"Forgot? Forgot what?"

"That I'm your prisoner."

"No, no you aren't. You're my beloved, you could never be my prisoner." He has to focus on not clenching his fists. Why is she bringing this up again?

"But I _am_. I may be able to go anywhere on the ship, you'll even take me to beautiful places. But my life is no longer my own. I belong to you."

"We belong to each other." She can't feel like this, she can't!

"I know you think that, but it's not true. I understand now that without me here, with you, people die. As long as I'm here and giving you what you want, the galaxy is at least somewhat safe from your wrath. And I accept that."

He doesn't like how resigned she sounds. All her spark is gone and it's like he's watching her light die right in front of him.

"I thought you _wanted_ to be with me," he says, feeling hurt.

"I do … and that's the worst part."

"What?" None of this is making any sense.

She sighs. "You're never going to change. You will always hold my leash. And I'm going to let you."

"What do you mean?" He's disturbed by all this talk of leashes and prisoners. He thought they'd gotten past this.

"You're going to kill people, torture people. Subjugate whole societies. And I'm going to stand by your side while you do it." Her voice is soft and far away.

"I will try to minimize it, but yes … that's true."

"All to fulfill your grandfather's vision."

"Yes."

"That he told you."

"Yes … Rey, where is this going?" he asks uneasily.

She shifts away until she's sitting cross-legged in front of his kneeling form. "I don't think it was your grandfather at all. I think it was Snoke."

What? "No, no, it was my grandfather," he says firmly.

"Then why did he stop talking to you months ago? Perhaps because it was Snoke and he was dead?" she asks softly.

"No, I would have known. It had to be my grandfather. Snoke was never as wise as Darth Vader. And he knew so much about me, as if he'd been watching me my whole life. I wish … I wish you could talk to him. You'd see." She just doesn't really know what she's talking about.

"I thought you'd say something like that …" Her voice is flat and she's very much not herself. She looks at her hands and shakes her head. "Okay, it was your grandfather. You need to believe that, I see that."

Her shoulders are hunched and she looks utterly defeated.

"Rey, I still don't understand why you're … You aren't my prisoner and I will do whatever I have to for you to believe that."

She smiles slightly. "The saddest part of all of this is that you really do think that's true."

"Think what's true? What's _wrong_? Stop talking in circles and tell me, dammit!" he exclaims, his patience at an end.

"Do you truly want to know what's wrong with me? Because you don't get to unknow it. I'm sure that in a few more days I'll have it under control, be able to smile and make love to you like you want. But if you want to know, I will tell you."

It feels more like a threat than opening up to him, but he doesn't care, he has to know. "Yes, please, yes, I need to know!"

"Remember, you wanted this." He nods. She looks away for a moment and when she looks back at him her eyes burn with … revulsion. "Every principle I've ever had, I've given up. I sold my integrity, my values, _everything_ I believe. I really am your whore, my price just happened to be love."

He goes still, not quite able to take in what she's said. In a blink of an eye, she's dismissed everything they have, everything they've built together. It's a slow, creeping pain that comes on him with dawning horror. Rey truly believes that she has sold herself to him. More than that, that she's compromised herself fundamentally.

"No," he growls. "No! You're wrong! What we have is _beautiful_. It's not true, none of what you just said is true!"

"Isn't it? Isn't it! I look in the mirror and I'm _disgusted_ with myself. What would Leia think of me? I deluded myself into thinking you'd changed when you haven't changed at all. I lied to myself because it felt _so good_ to be wanted. I gave in because I _need_ you. I sold my self-respect so that I don't have to feel empty anymore."

"No, please, Rey … You don't mean this. You _can't_ mean this." She's ripping everything to shreds and he just wants to make her stop.

"But I do. It's all built on lies I told myself."

"Lies? Like what, staying with me, loving me?" His voice raises.

She leans forward and puts her hand on his face. "You don't have to worry. I'm not going to leave you. There's no point to trying to anyway."

He grabs her hand and holds it firmly. "I'm not worried about you _leaving_ me. I'm worried about you feeling this way. I know Eshara was difficult for you, but none of what you've concluded is true. None of it." He has to make her see how wrong she is. He loves her with his entire being, there's nothing purer in the galaxy.

"But it is, don't you see? I never should have given in and Force, I'm so ashamed." She pulls her hand from his and hides her face.

Ashamed. The word is small and sharp and hard and settles deep in his belly. "You're _ashamed_ of being with me?" he asks quietly.

"Yes, oh Maker, so very ashamed." She drops her hands to her lap and looks at him with hollow eyes.

"I don't … I don't want that." An ugly feeling squirms in his chest.

"It doesn't matter. You have what you want. You always get what you want."

He scrubs his face with his hands. "How can you _say_ that? Of course it matters. You feeling like this is _not_ what I want."

"Isn't it? How did you really think I would feel about falling in love with a man who hunts me, imprisons me, accuses me of betraying him when I'm ever alone with another man, who doesn't trust me, and who murders people because he's _lost his temper?_ "

"I don't do that."

"Tell that to General Jehan. Tell that to the Esharans."

"They deserved to die," he grinds out.

"Maybe. Maybe not. But it wasn't your choice to make."

"I'm the Supreme Leader, of course it is!"

"I'm not having this conversation again. I'm so tired, Kylo. You have me, forever. If you don't like the cost, that's on you."

"What do you mean, what cost?"

Rey looks down and whispers, "My soul."

"No … Rey, no. Please, you can't mean that."

She looks at him with loathing and says, "I mean it. I mean it more than I've ever meant anything."

"Pease … we'll work through this. Everything will be alright. I love you."

Her eyes fill with the strangest combination of affection and anguish. "I love you, Kylo. And I _hate_ myself for it."

He blinks and the breath leaves his lungs. He can't … he can't face this. Rey hates herself? She thinks loving him costs her her _soul_? It's too much. He wants to scream at her, make her see sense. They _love_ each other, it's beautiful, sacred. There's nothing to be ashamed of. They're meant to be together, the Force itself has willed it!

If he doesn't get away from her he's afraid he'll start begging and crying or screaming and ranting. He'll go. He'll think, then they will _talk_.

He stalks to the door, he's torn between fury and heartbreak and he has to get away. He's about to leave when he stops and turns, looking back at Rey. She's on her side, curled into a ball on the floor. She looks so small … maybe he shouldn't leave her … No. He can't be near her right now. This is because of losing his mother, he's sure of it. There's just been too much on her shoulders. She doesn't really mean it. He'll fix this. They'll fix this.

* * *

He slips into his rooms, grateful that no night patrols saw him in just his sleeping pants. There's enough gossip flying around the ship. He's shaking with emotion, he's angry and desperate to soothe her pain. He's irate that she thinks so little of what they have and despondent that she's drowning in self-loathing. There are so many feelings, he can't think, he can't think!

Has it all been a lie? Does she even love him? Doe she just like the feel of his cock? Is he just a source of pleasure and comfort, has it ever been about him at all? If she thinks she's his whore, then that makes him her client and everything that's passed between them is meaningless. Transactional.

Suddenly it's all too much and he roars, Force pushing his dining table into the wall. It splinters with a satisfying crunch. He flings a glass table into the same wall and shards of glass go everywhere. He looks down at the glinting pieces and before he's really thinking he's kneeling and picking up a large shard. She doesn't really love him. She said it was built on lies. She said, she said, she said … Peace as he slides the glass along his flesh.

He hisses as the welcomed pain shoots up his arm. She never wanted him, not really. She's just accepted it because she wants to keep people from dying. Never about him. He grunts as he makes another pass. It's jagged from the glass, much less precise than his blade, but it's getting the job done.

One more, he thinks. One for each word _. I love you._ Because that's the damning part of this. He loves her. He will always love her. For the first time, though, he wonders if he wishes he didn't. No, ridiculous. She's his! She loves him. He knows she does. He's _felt_ it. She could never fake that warm, soft feeling. She's just confused.

The blood pools and he stops, dropping the shard. He watches the blood go down his arm and he thinks about his mother. The first time he'd done this it was because of her rejection. Or what he'd thought was her rejection. Oh Maker, Mama … no, no, NO. He won't go there. Not right now. His life is falling apart and he has to focus. He has to find his way back to Rey, help Rey find her way back to him.

He stands and carefully avoids the broken glass as he goes to his 'fresher. He cleans the wounds and binds them tightly. Rey won't like this but right now he's not sure he really cares about that. He's so sick of her pushing him away.

Kylo leans over the sink, placing his palms on the counter, his head hanging forward. He breathes in slowly, trying to find his center. But his feelings are all over the place and he needs to find a way to make Rey see that she's wrong. Dammit, she's so wrong. Why does she insist on fighting every single step of the way?

Not a few hours ago they were making love, so connected. She'd let him inside in all ways. How could she feel that wasn't precious? He reminds himself that she'd said that she loves him. That she wasn't going to leave him, but Rey seems a shell of herself. The thought that she thinks loving him costs her her soul claws at him and the need to destroy something is welling up in him again.

He has to get himself under control. It's too much! His mother is dead and his beloved is falling apart and there's nothing he can _do_ about it. Even now, while things are in tatters, she still fills him with love. He has to find a way to mend this.

Her small form, the way she'd wrapped around herself … he never should have left her. How could he have been so selfish? He just ran away. She needs him. Quickly, he grabs a simple shirt, throws on his boots, and moves swiftly to his door. He has to go back. She's suffering and he just abandoned her. Yes, her words had hurt, but she deserves that he find it in himself to be strong, to listen and understand, no matter how awful. He can't help her if he doesn't have the full picture and he's sure there's more.

He sets off to her rooms, determined to find a way back to her.

* * *

He lets himself into her quarters. The lights are still on and he makes his way to her sitting room. He finds her still in a small ball, shuddering. She's not exactly crying, it's as if she has no more tears but still needs to cry.

"Oh Rey."

She shifts, startled, and moves to a kneeling position, looking up at him. She says nothing and her face is full of so much pain.

"I'm sorry I left you … I just … I was worried about losing my temper."

She blinks and softly says, "Well, thank you for trying to protect me."

"I will _always_ try to protect you … but … I don't want to have to protect you from _me_." He detests that he has to shield her from himself in this way, how she blames herself for his rages.

"I don't want that either. But …" She looks away.

"But I still have to ... I know. I … I want to find a way not to lose control like that, I do. I just don't know _how_." He sighs. "Anyway … this isn't about me right now. Please, I need to understand why you're hurting so much. I know I don't yet, not really, but I want to." He looks down on her with pleading eyes.

She peers up at him keenly then stands. She holds her hand out and he takes it eagerly. She pulls them to her settee and encourages him to sit. She chooses to sit at the other end, keeping some distance between them. He frowns slightly but doesn't' say anything.

"Are you really ready to listen?" she asks, her tone tinged with disbelief.

"Yes, oh Maker, yes. Anything. I know … I know that I've not been very good at that." He leans forward, instinctively shortening the space between them.

"You _are_ trying. You're much better than you were. You just … you almost have your own reality. You'll look at something and ignore the most obvious conclusion. Like … well, let me ask you something."

"Anything."

"Did you hunt me and kidnap me and then hold me prisoner?"

"No! I-" He stops himself. She's just said he doesn't see properly so he steps back. He thinks of all of his months of searching and he can't avoid it any longer. What else is he to call it, what he did? His face falls as he realizes that he did. Relentlessly. He truly did. He'd thought of finding the map to Skywalker as hunting and he'd sought her much more avidly. He knows he just justified it by telling himself it was the will of the Force and that someday she'd forgive him. He'd never considered the cost to Rey. Not even for a minute did he think about her.

Hot shame courses through him; too much is coming undone and he feels the panic rising. Then he reminds himself that she came with him willingly. He knows she did! She didn't fight she just … accepted her fate. The shame turns cold as he finds a new understanding. She'd just accepted it like she's accepting it now. Being with him … he can't let that in, not yet.

"Yes, I did that to you," he finally admits.

Her eyes widen. "Wait, really? You … you see that you did that?"

"Yes, I see it. I do. I didn't mean it like that. But it is what I did. I need you so much and you wouldn't come." His hands flail. "It seemed … it seemed the right thing to do in the face of how desperate I was for you. But … that was selfish, wasn't it?"

Her eyes are so wide. "I didn't … I didn't think you'd ever see that."

"I'm sorry …"

Her eyes immediately narrow. "You're always quick to apologize to me but you rarely understand _why_ you're apologizing. What are you sorry for?"

"For frightening you, for …. taking you. I … I never should have done that. I see that now."

Her shoulders fall. "Do you know what that did to me? How that made me feel? What it still does to me?"

"No, but I want to know."

"You made me your prisoner! You tell me you've loved me for all this time, long before you took me, but you still did that; what kind of love is that?"

"I don't know. I didn't know-"

"You didn't know what else to do, yes I know." Her tone is laced with contempt.

"I'm sorry," he says miserably.

"Oh Kylo, I know. I know you're sorry. But you have to stop doing things that make you sorry. You have to stop. I can't … I can't keep doing this. You're destroying me."

"How, please help me see."

"You say you love my light, that I'm a kind, compassionate person. That you love me for that." To underscore her point she opens the Bond and lets a tendril of her light glide through him and he gasps from the unexpected moment of bliss.

He focuses on the matter at hand, not how good her light always feels. "Yes … I don't think you'd love me back if you weren't those things."

"Can't you imagine what it does to me to be in love with someone who will do the things you'll do? You kill people for minor infractions! If someone is anywhere near the reason you're angry, you'll murder without a second thought. You snapped those Esharan's necks because you were feeling _impatient_."

Her light turns cold and she lets him truly feel what's inside her. The depth of her anguish steals the breath from his lungs. She hadn't been lying when she'd said she hates herself. It's a thick, sickly feeling and it kills him to know he's made her feel like this. He tries to take her hands and she lets him. There's a wave of affection at his gesture of comfort, but it's quickly followed by so much shame he almost chokes on it.

She lets him hold her hands as she continues, "You were ready to kill everyone on that bridge yesterday even though none but Jehan were responsible for your mother's death. You'll torture someone for information, and what's more, you enjoy it. You aren't that man when you're with me, but I can't pretend he's not part of you. I'm the woman who's in love with Kylo Ren. What does that make me?" She rips her hands back and holds her fists to her chest. The Bond is overflowing with how deeply she despises herself and it makes him want to do anything he has to to bring back his precious, shining, gleeful girl.

"It makes you mine and I will always do anything in my power to make you happy."

She snorts. "As long as it doesn't interfere with your grandfather's vision."

"To a point, I'll even go against that. I already have. We're using exile and not execution in many cases now, because of you."

She nods and closes the Bond. For the first time he's almost relieved to have her shut off from him. He could barely think through the storm of her emotions.

"Well that's something. But that's another thing. I feel like I'm responsible for keeping you from killing people. The man I love will murder people on a whim and it's up to me to see that that doesn't happen. What if I'm not there in that precise moment? Then it's my fault those people are dead."

"No … no. It's me, I'm the one who's made that choice. Me.".

"But can't you see what that does to me, to have the weight of that on my shoulders? What about when we have children? How will you raise them? Will you raise them to kill and terrorize like their father?"

For a moment he's pulled into the glorious fantasy of Rey, round with his child. She'd even said when, not if. Oh it's a delicious thought, but her face is contorted in conflict and he has to focus on what she's said. Then it all catches up and he hates the idea of their children becoming like him. He knows his methods are harsh, it wasn't easy to grow used to killing like he does now. He's certain he's fractured his soul in pursuit of the dark. However, it was necessary and he refuses to regret it. But he won't have them anywhere near that. He'll protect them.

"They will never have to carry this burden, I will make the galaxy safe for them," he vows.

"Oh, Kylo … your way of governing requires constant brutality, don't you know that? The minute you lessen the boots on their necks they'll overthrow you. There is no end to subjugation. I know the life I will have with you and it's going to kill me by inches."

"Oh no, no …"

She throws her hands up in frustration. "Why can't you see! You're blinded by your grandfather who isn't even your grandfather!"

"I thought we went over that. Yes he is. He knows me so well! As if he's been watching me his whole life!"

"Maybe Snoke _was_."

"No, it wasn't Snoke." He shakes his head emphatically.

"You said you'd listen. Please, listen, think, _hear_ what I'm saying."

He clenches his jaw then nods tightly. Fine. He'll listen but that doesn't mean he has to agree.

"Your mother told me she speaks with Anakin as a Force ghost. Do you truly think your mother would lie?"

This brings him up short. He might have believed that before, but now … it's as if a veil has lifted since she died and he sees her very differently. He sees a woman who tried but couldn't do it all. He's still hurt over many incidents from his childhood, but the anger has just bled away. Rey is right. His mother wouldn't lie to her about that. She only lies to protect. Something he's recently understood all too well.

"That doesn't mean anything. He could have spoken with both of us." This can't be true, it can't be … if … no, no, it's not true.

"Kylo, think about that. You told me that your grandfather speaks to you, just his voice, that because he was a product of the Force he was able to reach you even though he died in the dark. But your mother, she _saw_ him, why would he appear to her but only use his voice with you? Would he talk with her, counsel her on what to do about _her son_ while also talking with you? He would have been trying to convince you to go home, not helping you take over system after system. Does that make any sense?"

"I don't know …" He rubs his temples as he starts to feel very disoriented.

"Or does it make more sense that he really _did_ sacrifice himself to save his son and died in the light? Does it make more sense that now he's trying to mend things with his daughter after a lifetime of regret? I'm so sorry, but it was Snoke. He lied to you, he manipulated you."

Swiftly he stands. "No! No, no, _no_. That can't be true. I went to Snoke because Grandfather _told_ me too. Then he told me of his childhood and how he just wanted peace and prosperity throughout the galaxy. That if he hadn't been murdered he would have seen his plan to fruition. Hours and hours we spent talking, planning … That wasn't Snoke. I would have known. I would have sensed." Wouldn't he?

"Are you sure?" she asks calmly but forcefully.

He stills and thinks very hard. No … he's not sure ..."But … if it was always Snoke …" No, he can't face that. This isn't true. This can't be true. Everything he's done in the name of his grandfather ... Maker no! "No! You're wrong!"

She comes to him and holds his face, capturing his gaze with her intense hazel eyes. "I know this is hard, but I know you can do this. I know I'm right. If you ever trusted me, trust me now. I _know_ you've been manipulated into this. All of it is based on a lie. It's why you've felt so torn apart. You're not meant to do these things. You've pushed yourself into this place where you don't fit, that hurts you. That's why you need my light so badly. You were starving for it."

He blinks. Could it be true? Could all of the last seven years of his life be for nothing? Grandfather had always been there for him, only inaccessible when he was with Snoke … Oh, Maker … he told Grandfather so many things he never told Snoke … is that how he always knew just where his weaknesses were? Is this really what happened? He can't. It's too much, too much.

"Let it in, Kylo," she gently prods. He shakes his head and closes his eyes firmly against this revelation.

His chest is tight and he can't get enough air. He starts to hyperventilate and he feels like he's going to pass out. No. He killed his father. No. For no reason, no reason, no reason. Unforgivable. Every atrocity, so much blood, all because his grandfather said … oh Maker, he's going to be sick.

"It's alright, it's alright. Just let it in," she says with so much love in her voice.

Horror and revulsion roil in his stomach as he feels this life-altering realization move through him. Nothing makes sense anymore. If it was always Snoke, then none of it matters. So many dead at the altar of his gullibility.

He feels Rey's soothing hands along his face, in his hair and he tries to hold onto her anchoring kindness as another bout of nausea comes for him.

He wishes Snoke were still alive so he could kill him again. He's been so horribly used. His whole life he's been used. Skywalker used him as the face of the New Jedi and Snoke used him for his power, just as Father said.

Opening his eyes, he finds Rey staring at him with deep concern. But the room is too small. He has to get out of here. He has to get away. It's all too much. He knows … he knows what's coming. He can feel it and he just wants to delay it for as long as he can. He needs, he needs, he needs to _run_.

He rips from her and races to the door, fleeing this knowledge, running from everything.

The last thing he hears is her desperately calling for him.

* * *

A/N: This one took a crew to get off the ground. I've never struggled more with a chapter and I was blessed by a marvelous squad of amazing women. Thank you to my alpha readers, jackie_01 and ns0241, you both gave amazing advice and filled me with the confidence needed to keep going. Thank you, CharlotteCAgain for another super speedy beta and reading it twice, you are simply amazing. You always make time in your super busy schedule and I'm beyond grateful. Finally, guess who's baaaaaaaaack? Juulna! She provided another set of beta-eyes and I'm actually a little choked up getting to write those words. Thank you, my dear.

Speaking of Juulna, she's started re-posting Mitzvah! Highly recommended, do give it a read.

Thank you beautiful readers! I've missed you immensely. I can't believe it's been two weeks! I think this is the longest I've gone without posting something since I started writing and it's been downright weird. Thank you to everyone who reads, follows, favorites, or reviews. I will admit to being especially grateful for the reviews, they truly do feed the muse. They're like delicious, sparkly muse cupcakes.

Finally, in this epic author's note, today is the last day to enter the drawing for a bound copy of 'He Knows He Needs to Stop'. Please either like or reblog the post on tumblr (perrydowning) or email me at pdowning at zandalee dot com to be entered. I will be selecting the winner at noon, PST today, Wednesday April 19. Thank you all!


	58. Chapter 58

He rushes down the corridors to the hangar. He has to get off of the ship. He can't be here. Too much, too much, too much. The damning truth is licking at his heals and he knows he can't outrun it, but he wants to try. He's vaguely aware of alerting the bridge that he's taking his TIE; soon he's free of the press of all of those minds and he's flying, flying, fleeing into the blackness of space.

Kylo pushes the TIE to its limits and flies as fast as he can. Eventually the ship starts to shudder under the strain and he has the mad thought to just keep going until it destroys itself. He'd be free. Blissfully _free_. Because he knows. He knows Rey is right. It's true. It's all true. He's never spoken with his grandfather, only Snoke. He's been masterfully manipulated. Somehow, deep down, he's always known something was wrong and now he can't escape this knowledge. Everything he's believed for so long … it's disintegrating and there's nothing for him to stand on.

His countless victims are calling for him. So many faces, twisted in fear and pain. All of them dead for the cause of a selfish fraud, not his revered grandfather. He never would have gone to Snoke if Grandfather hadn't told him to.

He remembers the first time Grandfather spoke to him. He'd just found out Darth Vader was his grandfather. He had been traveling with his uncle, disgusted and disappointed at Skywalker's refusal to _interfere_. Kylo hadn't known such suffering existed. Planet after planet, searching for old Jedi lore, turning a blind eye to countless atrocities and small indignities, from the factories churning through workers as they toiled from dawn to dusk to the blatant slavery. Skywalker ignored it all, saying that change took _time_ , that it wasn't the Jedi way to force their will on others.

Additionally, it wasn't worth the risk to the fledgling Jedi Order. "There are so few of us, surely you see how we must rebuild before we can bring our influence to the systems?" Skywalker had said and he'd glowered, silently rejecting his uncle's weak justifications,

There was one particularly … _enlightening_ journey when his cowardly uncle had refused to do something when they witnessed a group of young women, girls really, being sold to skin traders. Their eyes had been huge with fear and he'd been physically ill as he'd watched the slavers molest the _merchandise_. The leader had lewdly ripped the shirt of one girl, barely bleeding, baldly admiring her still-growing breasts. Skywalker had reasoned that the situation on that particular planet was delicate and far more would die if the Jedi had tried to stop the flesh peddling. The good of the many … Skywalker had had to restrain him with the Force and he'd screamed out his fury.

What was the good of being so powerful if all you did was stand by? He'd had nightmares for days after that, imagining the horror those girls were enduring. Now, he's keenly aware that the only thing standing between Rey and that fate was her skill with her staff and the Force flowing through her veins. Even then, he was seeing Rey everywhere, he just didn't know it.

He still wants to find a way to end the scourge of slavery. That, that has _always_ been his, always. He's hated it since he was a boy and though his entire life is crumbling around him, he still wants to make the galaxy safe for all of the other vulnerable children out there. He wonders … was Anakin Skywalker truly a slave? Is that something else Snoke spun to appeal to the confused young man he'd been? He snorts. He's more confused now than he's ever been.

Not long after watching those girls being rounded up, the news of his grandfather hit the holonet and Kylo's face had been plastered everywhere. Some nearly worshiped him for being descendent of such a powerful darksider. Others feared him. The worst were those who wanted to hold him responsible. He'd been so disillusioned at that point … when Darth Vader started talking to him, explaining himself, giving him an alternate history that was obviously tailor-made to appeal to a lost young man, he'd rushed headlong into the trap.

He'd been raging to 'Grandfather' about Skywalker's latest failure when Vader had said, "What if you could change things? What would you do?"

"Anything," he'd responded.

"There is a way. Let me tell you about a man named Snoke …"

And that had been all he'd needed. All his frustration, anger, pain, Snoke had used it all expertly against him. Oh Maker, he's been such a fool! Now that he sees what Snoke did, he feels pathetically naive. He'd been 23, he should have known better. He should have questioned it. He should have at least spoken to his mother. But instead he believed the ancient man's lies.

Was _any_ of it true? Had Darth Vader ever had a larger purpose or was he just as his family had described him? Was he really just the ruthless enforcer of the Emperor's whims? Skywalker had tried to explain, told him how he'd returned to the light at the very end, but his trust for his uncle was in tatters at that point. It all seems like a perfect storm, now. An angry, disappointed young man needing something to believe in, needing to find meaning. What better story to tell him to get him to do anything Snoke had wanted?

He remembers how Vader had always soothed him in the beginning, when the light in him rebelled against the violence, when he was learning to slowly strangle his humanity. He'd told him that his sacrifice to the dark was necessary, that only the dark side of the Force had the power he needed to free the systems. He'd accepted this lie so easily, let it quiet him late at night when his deeds would choke him with guilt and shame. _Necessary_ became his guiding principle, given to him by Grandfather. That it was always Snoke tears at him with helpless fury.

His fist clenches around the controls and he wants to start screaming. Skywalker had always gone on about being seduced by the dark side and Kylo had ignored him while he was wooed so expertly. The nausea begins again as he recalls his first kill.

It was that night, when they had come to the Jedi Academy, prepared to take in those who wished to join and deal with those who didn't. Her name was Ja'al and she'd been trying to keep them from the children. She'd screamed that she would die before she let them sever their connection to the Force, that it was damning them to a half-life. He remembers the look of revulsion on Rey's face when he'd explained it to her. He's always told himself that it was the best choice, the right thing to do … but is Rey right? Was it as cruel as she'd said? He thinks about how the Force moves within him, beckoning him ever further and he knows she was right. He knows she's right about _everything_.

Grandfather … Snoke had told him later that he was proud of him for doing what was _necessary_. That he would be so much stronger with the dark side. But he'd cried himself to sleep and he still has nightmares of the sickening feel of his saber pushing into Ja'al's flesh and her black eyes full of accusation. Nothing. It had all been for _nothing_.

Suddenly he has to be outside. His fingers tremble as he pulls up coordinates to the nearest planet.

* * *

With shaking legs he staggers out of his TIE and takes in the uninhabited world. He's landed on a beach at night and he finds himself moving towards the waves. Everything he's done for the last seven years has been for a lie. Worse than that, without grandfather's approval, he sees how he's terrorized the galaxy for _no reason._

He's hidden behind it being _necessary_ for years, but now that's ripped away and he feels as if his skin has been flayed from his body. With nothing to protect him from his actions, he has no choice but to face that he made himself into a sadistic _creature_ in a mask. He's everything Rey has ever said. He _is_ a murderer, torturer, and kidnapper. He stole Rey away from her family, isolated her … all the while telling himself it was necessary, necessary, _necessary_.

And Rey … what has he done to his beloved? She's so kind and good and now she's trapped loving the monster he made himself become. Oh, his poor girl. What has he done to her? Her tortured face rips through him. He loves her more than he could have ever thought possible and he's _destroyed_ her. She'd been so small when she'd balled herself up, hating herself. The most perfect being in the galaxy _hates_ herself. Because of him.

He sees, oh how he sees what he's done to her. He took her from the only home she'd ever found. After years of living on that cruel backwater planet with no one to love her, he ripped her from her chosen family. He hunted her … _hunted_ her like prey, not the cherished, precious thing she is. If he'd only gone to her like she'd asked … his mother would still be alive, his beloved would be whole ...

But no, he caged her like an Osean songbird. They never survived captivity for long. Should he be surprised that her light has dimmed so? Now that he sees, he can't quite believe that he did that to her. And she found it in herself to love him anyway. Oh, Force, how can he ever be worthy of her? He took her _prisoner_. This wild, free, gorgeous woman and he tethered her to him, bound her with his devotion and jailed her with his love.

His love … it isn't pure at all, it's grasping, ugly, possessive and cruel. It's an abomination, his love. It's like a disease that corrupts and drains.

He's broken everything, everyone who ever mattered to him. He gasps as he thinks of his father. He murdered his _father_ with his own two hands. He looks down at the fingers that held his saber and then he grabs his head and he starts to scream.

Of all the things Snoke made him do, this nearly broke him, even as Vader praised him and Snoke rewarded him with completing his training. _Necessary_ had meant nothing in the small hours of the night when his father's hand ghosted his face and his sad eyes had forgiven him.

But now, now that he knows it was for nothing, the realization slices through his heart as his wounded sounds knife through the silent night. Oh, Father. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

He screams and screams until he's hoarse. It's all falling apart, everything is coming undone. Why is he here? Why did the Force want something as despicable as him? He wades out into the water and feels the vastness of the ocean pulling at him.

In the choppy waves he is but a speck. Nothing. The sea doesn't care that he's _disgusting_. The water moves around him and he thinks he's found a way to keep the galaxy safe from _Kylo Ren_.

Yes, just take him. Take him away. Free Rey from the burden of him. End the pain he's brought to all who come into his path. He doesn't want to struggle any longer, he just wants to be done.

The water is to his chest now, the moon glints off of the water and he can make out coming waves and he lets them crash into him. His feet leave the sand and he feels almost cradled by the water. Let it cleanse him from the galaxy. End this blight. He's nothing but pain and horror. End it, end it, end it.

Rey, love … I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Then he feels her through the Bond.

"What are you doing?!" she sends frantically.

"I'm setting you free, my love."

"What? What do you mean?" He can feel how terrified she is and he feels a flicker of

"You were right, you were always right. I'm everything you've ever said. Soon you'll be free of the Bond. I'm sorry for everything I've done to you."

"What? Do you mean … you're in the water you … No! No you can't! You promised you'd never leave me!"

"Why would you want me?" He lets the waves take him and he's pulled under.

"NO!" she screams.

"I love you …"

His lungs begin to burn without air and he's about to let the water in when he feels her light envelope him and her voice blooms in his head, "I love you, you can't leave me. I'll never survive," she pleads. Then he senses her emotions shift. "Come back, you selfish coward. Come back and face me. You don't get to take the easy way out!" she snarls.

Her light winds around him and her words flow through him. Is she right? Is this selfish? Would this be yet another wrong in an endless litany? Could he still find a way to heal her? Is he hurting her? He doesn't want to hurt her ever again. He wants … he wants to fix it all. He wants to find his way through all the pain.

Then he feels his mother. Rey was right. His mother is one with the Force, now, how else could he feel her? He hasn't felt her energy in so many years. It's warm and comforting and somehow he knows this isn't right. He has to face what he allowed to happen, how he sought to twist and bend himself into this thing that he's become. It doesn't matter that the pain of this truth is unbearable. He doesn't deserve to run from it. He must turn into his storm instead of allowing it to control him. With that knowledge, he begins to kick his way up. His mother's Force signature holds him, his legs work hard and his lungs feel like they're going to burst.

He's not sure he's going to make it and he is seized with nearly paralyzing regret. No, he must live. He must do everything he can to put Rey back together. With one final rush of power, he breaks through the surface and takes in great gulps of oxygen. As his lungs take in sweet air he thinks maybe he can find a way. Maybe he can still bring peace to the galaxy. He _will_ atone for what he's done to Rey. Through the waves he swims to the shore. He will do what he should have done from the beginning. He will give Rey her freedom and then he'll leave her alone. The Bond won't let them never have contact again, but he'll do everything he can to give her her life back. She said she knew how to break it, he'll even help her do that if that's what she wants. The thought is like ice and he quickly pushes it aside.

He drags himself onto the beach. He's on his hands and knees and he's never felt so insignificant. There is freedom in that feeling. He's not Ben Organa or Kylo Ren. He's not a legacy or the most powerful being in the galaxy. He's just a man. He gains his feet and starts to make his way back to his TIE.

It's time to get started.

* * *

Still damp, he walks through the corridors to Rey. Each step brings him closer to losing her, but it also brings him closer to righting the egregious wrongs he has done her. He pushes away the howling pain he knows is coming. He knows he might as well cut off a limb, without Rey … but it doesn't matter. He has to do this. Perhaps in time he will find a way to be the man that Rey should have standing by her side, but he knows he's too broken, too weighed down by years of misguided, horrific choices. He can't be with her, not the way his beautiful, shining girl deserves. She's been failed by everyone but his mother and he's just another in a long line. He'd tried so hard …

He's halfway there when she comes racing around the corner. She throws herself into his arms.

"I felt you get back. Thank the Maker you're alive," she says before pulling back and kissing him furiously.

He knows he should stop her. He's not worthy of her kisses. He doesn't deserve to ever touch her again, but he lets himself gather up this feeling. Rey, in his arms, Rey's lips on his. This memory may be the last he ever has of her close and warm.

Then she stops kissing him and her eyes grow hard. "How _could_ you? How could you even think of doing that to me?"

"I know … I'm sorry. That is the last time I will do something to hurt you," he says solemnly.

"We both know that's not true," she says with sadness.

"No, it is … come, let's go back to your rooms."

* * *

"Why did you _do_ that?" Rey asks as soon as they're in her quarters.

"You were right. You've been right about everything."

She looks at him swiftly. "What do you mean?"

"About Snoke, about the First Order … about what I've done to you."

"What?" she asks dumbly.

He turns to her and takes her face in his hands. "I will _never_ be able to make it up to you, what I did to you. What I took from you. Please know that I see now, I understand. Everything you've ever accused me of … I am guilty of every single sin." She blinks up at him and he looks intensely into her eyes. "You're free, Rey. I'll get you a clean ship … you can leave tomorrow."

"But …" Her eyes swim with confusion.

"No … no buts. I'm letting you go. Find the Resistance. Go where you want. I won't stop you."

"I … I don't understand," she says almost fearfully. He moves his hands from her face and laces their fingers together.

"Everything I've believed has been based on lies and now I have to fix it. Starting with you."

"You want … you want me to go?" She seems hurt and he frowns. He doesn't want her to think that he's sending her away, that he doesn't want her desperately.

"No … I want you with me always. But only if you choose to be here, and you can't choose that. I took that from you, I took so much from you. If … if you ever decide you want to be with me, I will always be yours. But now … now you must go. I don't deserve you, not the way I am now."

Her face is oddly blank as she processes what he's said. In a small voice she asks, "You're really letting me go?"

"Yes, Rey."

"I don't … I don't know what to say."

"Just be happy. That's all I want. The Bond won't let us not communicate. Just tell me that you're safe from time to time."

"You really mean it? You'll let me go?" Her face flickers with hope.

"Yes, I really mean it. This isn't a trick or a test. I … I see now how badly I've wronged you and I don't know another way to atone."

Then her expression falters. "But … I can't go … not if you'll fall apart and kill. I won't live with that guilt." She shakes her head.

Kylo sighs. Of course she'd think that. He's done nothing but teach her that lesson. He couldn't even leave her alone when she asked for space and then … Eshara. He flinches at the memory of his most recent despicable acts. "You don't have to worry. I won't do anything like that … That's over. I was wrong, so very wrong."

Her brow furrows. "You are? But … why, just like that?"

He smiles sadly. "Not just like that. I think this has been coming for a long time. I think, somehow, I've known for quite some time about Snoke. I just … I just couldn't face it. I couldn't face what I did to you, either. I never should have taken you from your home. You were happy, and I destroyed that. I took that from you. I love you with my entire being but that love … it's destructive and possessive and cruel. I have to find a way to be worthy of you. Someday, I hope, you'll find your way back to me. If that happens, I will be the man you deserve."

"I want to believe you, but you've said you'd control yourself before and then you stole Kes's memories. How can I trust that this time you're sincere?"

"I don't know how to explain it. I just know it's true. Here … let me share something with you."

She looks at him with trepidation then nods. Still holding her hands, he pushes his memory of the moment he realized he had to do all in his power to make things right. The burning lungs, the heady feeling of air after deprivation, but mostly the soul-deep conviction that he's not going to use intimidation and threat of death to rule any longer.

"There," he says, "I hope you can feel that you can believe me."

"I … I don't know what to say. I don't … I don't really want to leave you. I promised I would stay." Conflict moves across her delicate features.

"You have to go, Rey. I can't … I can't be with you until I'm healed. And I can't do that with you to always bind my wounds. You're right. I lean on you for … everything. That stops now."

"But … but you said you'd never leave me." Oh, his precious love. He closes his eyes briefly. He can't even do this right, making her feel abandoned.

"I'm not leaving you. I will always be here, always be yours. I'm setting you _free_. If you want to return, you will have but to ask. But now … now, you have to go."

"I can really go back to Finn and Poe?"

"Yes Rey." He's surprised that he feels no jealousy. Just sadness that they'll see her smile when he will not. "All that I ask is that you tell me you are well occasionally. The Bond will tell you when it's time. Or if you wish it … we can … " He stops, not quite able to form the words. Finally he forces out, "We can break the Bond."

"No!" she shouts then quiets. For a moment her eyes look wild with fear. "No … I don't want that. Maybe I could … I could leave the Bond open a little?" She looks up at him from under her lashes and blushes slightly.

He shakes his head. "No … all or nothing. If you come back, it's with the Bond open. No more back and forth. I want all of you, Rey. No more agreements. No more shutting me out. If you're here with me, you're here with me."

She nods slowly and looks away, obviously thinking. She squeezes his hands and looks back. "What will you do?"

"Fix everything. Starting with the First Order and the Resistance. I'm going to make peace. Then we'll work out how to handle First Order territory together."

"Really?" she asks in shock.

"Yes. Everything I've based my choices on was nothing more than smoke and mirrors. It's time I listened to myself for once instead of bending to fit into the boxes others have made for me. It's time I grew up."

She wraps her arms around him tightly. "I love you so much, Kylo," she says into his shirt. He holds her close, trying to ignore the cracking in his chest at the thought of saying goodbye.

He inhales quickly, "Now, it's nearly morning. You need rest. I'll arrange a ship for you while you're sleeping."

"No, please," she says emphatically. Then she looks a bit sheepish. "I just … please, won't you sleep with me. One last time?"

He has to swallow hard past the tightness in his throat. The thought of not having her in his arms, maybe ever again, is more painful than almost anything else he's experienced. But she has asked. And he will always do everything in his power to make her happy.

"Alright, Rey."

* * *

Thank you to my amazing betas, CharlotteCAgain and Juulna. You both had such great ideas and you really helped me whip this bad boy into shape!

Thank you readers! I'm so sorry there were only two chapters in April, but we've finished the move (now to unpack!). You were all so understanding and supportive. I'm back to my schedule, Monday updates are back on! Thank you for every read, follow, favorite, and review!

Because of the move I'm behind in responding to reviews, I'm very sorry. I love 'talking' with readers and look forward to finishing up soon!


	59. Chapter 59

Rey leads him by his hand into her bedroom and it's beginning to sink in. This may be the last time he sleeps with his beloved in his arms. This is goodbye. He hopes someday she returns to him, but he can't count on it. If he focuses on that, he'll just fall into obsession once more. He's certain it would only be a matter of time before he convinced himself it was alright to seek her out. And once he did that … he can't take the chance.

So he must assume he's letting her go forever. He has to make his peace with a life without her, with only brief and occasional contact. The pain, it's unimaginable. But he will withstand it. For her. His heart feels like it's being pulled out of his chest and he swallows down tears.

He looks around her room and sees all the little bits of Rey. Her vanity is strewn with small pots of color that he never sees her wear, but he knows she and Kes play with them. She's organized the ornaments for her hair in a small tree. It's such a strange choice, but somehow the combs and barrettes are at home among the fragile branches. It reminds him of how he and his mother would decorate … no, he can't think about that.

She's brought most of the flowers into her bedroom, she clearly prefers to keep them close. He wishes he'd noticed that before. He would have made sure there were more of them for her. She keeps her Force-sensitive plant near her side of the bed. He wonders if she'll take it with her. Then he looks at her bed, really looks at it. They've shared it since just before Sheytaya and he can see their different personalities reflected. His side is neat, no clutter and a single extra datapad waiting to chirp at him. Her side, however, is covered with holonovels and discarded jewelry and scarves. There's even a pair of her lacey underthings peeking out from behind the stack of reading material.

He knows she's not used to having so many things and she has no idea how to contend with them. It's never bothered him. It's just her. But now … how will he manage without tripping over her shoes? Oh Maker … he decides, right then, that as soon as she's gone he's going to stay here. He knows it will be like salting the wound, but… he'll feel close to her here.

He stands, just looking at her bed from a few feet away; it's been made by the droids and he's taken by the thought that he must suspend their routine. He doesn't want them to touch any of it. He wants everything where she left it.

She pulls him to the bed that has so transfixed him and sits him down. Then she goes to her knees and she's removing his boots. He both hates and loves it when she does this. It bothers him to have her tending to him like a servant and yet it makes him feel cared for. No one has looked after him since … best not to think about that. Once she's done, she looks deeply into his eyes. "This isn't goodbye forever. I know that."

She must have picked up the flavor of his thoughts through the Bond. He's not shielding them very well at the moment. He reaches down and draws his thumb along her cheek. "I won't hold you to that."

"I don't want this to be the last time I see you. I'm not … I don't even know how I'll get on that ship tomorrow." Her voice quavers and he can see the sheen of tears in her eyes.

He nods, afraid the sobs will escape if he speaks.

She stands, reaching down to begin to remove his shirt, still a bit wet from the ocean. She pulls it from his body and smooths her hands along his torso. It makes him shudder. He can't stop trying to hold onto every single detail. Her delicate hands leave connection embroidered along his skin.

Then she gasps and pulls his arm to her, her fingers fluttering along his hasty bandage where he'd tended to his latest cuts.

"Oh, Kylo …" she sighs out.

He looks away, not wanting to see whatever is in her eyes.

He feels her gently pulling away the wrappings and hears her sharp inhalation of breath. "What … what did you use?"

"Glass," he says shortly.

She doesn't say anything and he finally looks at her and she's holding his arm, looking at it with such sadness. Finally she says, "I don't know what you need in order to stop doing this, but I hate that I was never able to give it to you."

"No!" he exclaims. "It's not you, I promise."

She looks up, catching his eyes. "You can't deny that every single time you've done this since I've known you has been because of me."

"I …" What can he say? She's right. It's not her fault that he can't figure out how to process how powerless she makes him feel, but she _is_ why he's sought his blade for the last year.

"I won't ask you to promise me that you'll stop, you'll only stop when you're ready to, I see that now … but … please, please try to find something else?"

She has his arm unwrapped quickly and she closes her eyes; her soft, blue healing light emanates from her fingertips. It feels like her, gentle, accepting, and full of so much love he can barely fathom it. He looks down and his eyes widen with shock. His whole arm is pristine, no scars. It looks like he'd never once taken a blade to his skin.

"I want you to look at this and remember that you don't have to be defined by your scars. What we have, it's stronger than our pain." Then she leans over and presses the sweetest kiss on the sensitive skin of his inner arm and he can't help it, a single tear escapes his hold.

"I'll remember," he whispers. He can't control himself anymore, he wraps his arms around her waist and hides his face at her shoulder. He holds her so tightly.

"I know, I know," she murmurs, curling herself around him, stroking his hair.

"I don't know how to do this," they say together.

She pulls back and her face is conflicted. "Maybe … maybe I don't have to go? If you mean it, that you'll make changes … maybe …"

He shakes his head. "No … I will prove to you that I do mean it, but you … what I've done to you, you need to be away from me. I know how the Bond overwhelms you. I don't … I don't want you here with me because you can't think straight. I want you to choose me, the way I never let you."

She blinks down at him. "You really want me to go?"

"Force, no. But … Rey … you said you hated yourself. You said you'd given up your _soul_ to be with me. That's a price I will not accept. So tomorrow you will go and I will go on, find a way to make things right. Well, the things I can." His father's forgiving face flashes behind his eyes.

"I just … I _love_ you."

"I know. And I love _you_ , with every breath, every heartbeat, everything that I am."

She lets out a small sob, then she's pushing him back onto her bed. She straddles him and holds her face inches from his, looking into his eyes with an almost feral intensity. At first he thinks she's going to devour him, but then she captures his lips with such aching gentleness. Her lips feel like silk and her perfect pink tongue slips into his mouth. He meets her, pouring all of his love into this transcendent kiss. It's as if she's trying to brand herself onto his soul. But she doesn't need to, she's already the weft to his weave.

After touching, caressing, feeling, being for what feels like hours she pulls away and starts to kiss down his neck, nibbling and licking in that way that drives him wild. Her sharp little teeth spark along his skin and there's so much sensation. He almost forgets what this means. Almost.

She keeps moving her way down his body until she reaches his trousers. While she's kissing along the planes of his stomach, she pulls down the last of his clothing. He wonders if he should stop her … She doesn't speak, but opens the Bond completely and he senses a depth of longing and sadness from her he's never felt before. There aren't words, but there is a plea coming from her. She wants this desperately and he will never deny her anything.

Once she has him naked, she stands and sheds her nightgown. He takes in her beautiful body, memorizing and worshiping her with his eyes.

Her skin still has just a touch of the Jakku sun. He doesn't think she'll ever lose it. Her delicate features are serene as she looks at him, her endless hazel eyes are full of promise and hope, but there is fear roiling through the Bond. Fear of losing him, fear of what he'll do, fear that she'll never again feel whole the way that only he can make her.

He's on his feet in an instant, taking her into his arms. He leans his forehead against hers. "I will always be yours. I will never touch anyone but you. I couldn't. You will never lose me. Just look inside here," he puts her hand over his heart, "And you'll only ever find yourself. You. Only ever you."

He shudders from the jolt of electricity he feels as they touch. He's never grown used to how her skin feels, like there's something just under the surface that melds with his own. It's almost as if their bodies sing when they come in contact. The Bond leaps joyfully, as if to remind them of their connection. As if he could ever forget.

"Listen to me, Rey." She looks into his eyes and he holds her close. The feel of her against him makes him lose his train of thought for a moment, but then he's sensing that damning fear again.

"You have nothing to be afraid of. You could never lose me. I'm yours. I've always been yours. Nothing can change that and I never want it to. Even knowing I will have to be without you, our Bond is the best thing that's ever happened to me. When you were … gone, it taught me that just having your energy Bound to mine … it is enough. Even if I never see you again, feeling you in me, connected to me, it is enough."

Her eyes again glisten with tears. "You _will_ see me again," she says fiercely.

"I hope that's true."

She holds his face firmly, looking into his eyes intensely. "Now you listen to me. This is _not_ goodbye. We'll heal, and then you're making good on all of your promises. You have a galaxy to give me, if I recall correctly."

He smiles. "And I will. A peaceful galaxy for my Rey."

"Yes. I am, you know."

"What?"

"Your Rey. But because I choose to be, not because you've taken me."

"Oh sweetheart," he murmurs, then he must kiss her and he seals his lips against hers, leaving no mistake that he accepts her gift. My Rey, my Rey, my Rey.

Desire winds around them and the heat builds. The feel of her tongue against his travels along his spine and curls low in his abdomen. Soon, his erection is trapped between their naked bodies and she's started to writhe against him.

He pushes away the thought that this is the last time, he knows he must give all of himself to making love to her, hold nothing back. For this, this may need to last a lifetime. She has said she'll come back, but he knows how things change, how perspective shifts everything. Perhaps once she's away from the influence of his nearness, she'll see him for what he really is. His path has always been one of solitude and he's done _nothing_ to deserve better.

And so he sweeps her up into his arms and she makes a little squeak of surprise. He's holding her like his bride and he has to look away for a moment, the pain is so swift. So many dreams to be packed away. Children that may never be … rings that may never be worn. But he can't let this in. The time for mourning is when she's no longer right here, wanting him, loving him. Now it is time to show her with his body and his soul what she means to him.

He lies her back on her bed and reaches up, fanning her hair out. "You're so beautiful, Rey. I know you've never truly grown used to me telling you that, and I don't think you really believe me, but you're the most breathtaking woman I've ever seen. I could look on you every day for the rest of my life and still find something new to adore."

She blushes and looks away. He cups her cheek with his hand and moves her face until she's again holding his eyes. "It's true, Rey. You are perfect. Your body, your soul, your heart, oh your precious heart. Never doubt that you are so special."

Rey just blinks back, opening and closing her mouth. Finally she nods the tiniest of nods. He smiles at her slight acknowledgement and hopes she will remember his words.

He stretches out next to her and pulls her close, reveling in how their bodies fit and how their skin hums together. Like music, their bodies harmonize, creating such beauty. He captures her lips again and lets himself delve into the Bond. Oh, she's so vast and so rich, so many textures of Rey. She flows through him like honey and he thinks just holding her, letting the Bond stream between them is its own kind of bliss. No matter what happens, he has been gifted with knowing Rey. Knowing all of her, every glorious flaw, each hidden treasure. No one will ever know his beloved the way he does.

He lets himself float in _Rey_ , running his hands up and down her body as he indulges himself in losing his consciousness in her, letting go in a way he never has before. He dives into her completely and she into him. There are no boundaries, just pure essence as they drift together. Merging, lost, found, answer, question.

It's beyond erotic, beyond love, it is primal and total and what the Bond is supposed to be. There is no Rey, there is no Kylo. There is yes, mine, yours, us. _One_.

She's pulling him onto her, wrapping her legs around his waist and he's only dimly aware of their bodies, moving to mimic the closeness of the Bond. He has a flicker of concern, he hasn't prepared her, but she's reaching down and guiding him into her and he finds her slick and warm, and oh she is his home. She is the only home he will ever have again. Her limbs are his shelter, her heart his hearth.

He sinks into her, the Bond pulsing with truth and connection. All that there ever could be is Rey. He holds her eyes intensely, so many colors. He cradles her face as they find that perfect rhythm. Her hands smooth up and down his back, and oh how he needs the feel of the love trailing in their wake.

Kylo moves within her, the Bond shuddering with each thrust. Their pleasure twines together and he feels how he fills her, finds all the vast emptiness within her and for these moments, she is complete. Her eyes widen as a wave of ecstasy takes them both and he groans. There is nothing that can compare to being within his love.

They keep a slow pace, needing this to last as long as possible. She kisses him like a sacrament and he is her acolyte, she his priestess. He would worship at her altar for the rest of their lives. He tries to keep out the knowledge that he doesn't know if he'll ever be with her again, but it comes anyway and she holds his face.

She fills him with such pure love. Her light, Maker, her light! _Yes_. It courses through him and he gasps.

 _Please, oh Rey please. Cleanse me. Free me. Keep me safe, always inside you._

 _Always. We'll be together again soon._

They haven't spoken, but he feels the words writ across him all the same. He wraps up her promise and keeps it in his heart. The panic subsides and he's pushing into her, firm and slow. He feels her tight heat and oh how she holds him within her, keeping him close, completing him.

They can't draw it out much longer, their release building in a feedback loop. He doesn't know who tips over first but they're shouting out each other's names and pleasure spikes within them then languid aftershocks undulate through their bodies. He's seeing stars as he starts to come back into himself. He doesn't want to, he just wants to stay within her body and her mind. He would live here forever, if he could.

But no, it is time. It is over. He pushes away the dread and focuses on the feeling of being still deep inside her. He kisses her passionately as he pulls out; her legs spasm reflexively, trying to keep him within her.

"Shhhh … it's alright," he croons.

"No, I don't … I'm not ready for it to be over." Her eyes are full of anguish.

"I know, neither am I. We still have a little time." He rolls them over so that she's tucked into his larger frame, her back pressed against his chest. He kisses her temple gently and murmurs, "Give me this last gift, let me hold you as you sleep, beloved."

She nods and grasps his hand, holding it over her heart. "I love you."

"I love you, I will always love you."

Her hand tightens over his and she relaxes into him. He strokes her hair until her breathing evens out and he knows she's asleep. He watches her, feels her, tries to notice and save every little detail. How she smells, how her silky hair feels between his fingers, how perfectly she fits in his arms. He needs to keep this memory close so he concentrates on gathering every last feeling and sensation of what it is to hold her.

Eventually, he nods off, full to the brim with _Rey_ …

* * *

He wakes gently, smiling because Rey is in his arms. Then the realization that she's leaving hits him like ice water and he's suddenly very cold. He shivers from the knowledge that he may never again wake with her close and near. Yes, she's told him she'll be back, but he doesn't know how to believe in that. He's _afraid_ to believe in that.

He doesn't want to wake her up. He doesn't want this glorious dream to end. Because that's what it was. A dream, a figment. He never deserved her love, her affection. But it is a dream that he will revisit every night, imagining Rey next to him. For three months he's had her with him and it was so much more beautiful than he'd ever envisioned.

He sighs as he pulls her closer, feeling her soft curves against him. He wraps his arm around the dip of her waist and he nuzzles against her hair. She smells so good, the light fragrance of her soap …. the perfume she's only started wearing … and then … Rey. Just Rey. Even when she'd been strapped to that horrible chair he'd taken in the unique scent of her and he wants to find a way to capture it, keep it always. He wonders how long her sheets will hold the essence of his beloved, what he could do to prolong it.

Force … how is he going to do this? He knows he has to let her go. He hates that he ever held her against her will. But … it didn't seem to be like that after the first few days. On Vren she'd even said she'd stay … But maybe that's simply because she saw no other option. His fingers clutch her as he sees she was accepting her situation, not choosing it. She said she's chosen to be his Rey, but can she really do that? He wants to believe that it's true, but he can't deny that he took away her ability to truly make that decision. Maker, did he really do that to the only woman he's ever loved? The only woman he ever _could_ love?

He looks up at her ceiling, listening to her even breathing and he tries to understand the last few months. So much has happened. She fell in love with him … but did she? Is it all just a dizzy fantasy they spun from the situation he created? Maybe—once she's away—she'll see that it was survival. Perhaps she doesn't love him at all. His throat grows tight and he tries to push away the thought, but it has claws and teeth and it's already ripping through his safety.

"Stop," she murmurs into his chest.

Oh, she's awake.

"Stop what?"

"The doubt, the fear, the panic. I love you, truly." She shifts onto one elbow so that she's hovering over him, holding his eyes with such intensity. "I didn't fall in love with you because I was your prisoner. And I do see that it wasn't so black and white. I do understand that you tried to make me as free as you knew how."

He looks away for a moment. "Yes … but I would have always sought you out, had you … escaped."

"I know. It's why I never tried. But … I …. I always felt something for you, and it only grew. I fought against it, fought so hard, but it was inevitable, I think. I was always going to love you. I think I did before you found me."

"What?" he gasps.

It's her turn to look away. "I … all those months, listening to stories about your childhood, talking through the Bond, the way you … the way you kept trying … no one had ever put so much into me before. I knew it was wrong, and it did terrify me … But … it also made me feel … wanted," she finishes, her cheeks stained with embarrassment.

"Oh, my love, you are. I want you so badly, in all ways. I want you by my side to share and talk with, I want you in my bed … I want everything about you."

"I know you do."

"Do you really know that? Do you know how much I love you?"

"I … I don't know. I think I do, but then you surprise me by making me see so much more."

"My love for you is infinite. You could never find the end of it."

She smiles and moves back into his embrace, laying her head on his chest. "And that's why you should know I'll be back. We're Bound. I don't mean that I'll come back because of the Bond. I mean that, somehow, the Force _knew_. It knew how much we needed each other."

"I do, I need you. So much."

"I need you, too."

"Oh, Rey," he murmurs as he kisses her forehead. "I don't want to let you go, even as I know I must."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, sweetheart … I've taken too much from you and you … you aren't meant to be caged."

She's quiet for a long time, stroking her fingers along his chest. "You know, it's funny."

"What is?"

"I've wanted you to let me go, wanted all of this to be so different. And now that it is … I … I just … I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'll miss you."

"Rey, my beautiful, perfect Rey. I will miss you like the crops miss the rain, like the flowers miss the sun."

* * *

He's walking to the bridge. Maker, leaving her in her rooms had been _hard_. It felt like sawing into his chest and taking out his heart. But he must arrange a clean ship for her. He can't send her to the Resistance in a TIE. He hopes she'll be able to find them; he has no idea where to even send her to start. But he has to trust her.

As he sweeps onto the bridge, he feels the lack of sleep in his limbs. But it doesn't really matter. He won't rest properly for the foreseeable future, he'd best get used to it. He comes to stand next to Hux, looking out on the stars.

"Good morning, sir."

"Good morning, General Hux."

Hux turns to him but Kylo remains looking out on the fleet. "Sir … I wanted … I wanted to give you my condolences."

Kylo closes his eyes briefly and faces his one-time adversary. He'd managed to push it from his mind, but now he's reminded that his mother died yesterday. He swallows thickly then responds, "Thank you, General."

"If … If there's anything I can do …" Hux trails off.

Kylo had intended on asking one of his knights to procure a ship for Rey, but perhaps Hux has something stashed away. "Actually, there is something. I need a clean ship, no First Order connections."

Hux blinks, then nods curtly. "There is a small freighter we recently commandeered. But … it's not much."

"Ah … hmmm." He wants Rey to have a ship that can be her home, he doesn't know how long she'll need to travel to find the Resistance. They're surely in even deeper hiding after the … events of yesterday. "I need something fast, safe, and … elegant."

"I see. May I ask for what rea-"

"Sir!" a lieutenant interrupts. Hux's brow furrows in annoyance and he barks, "What is it?"

"There's a Resistance craft coming out of hyperspace." Kylo sucks in a sharp breath of air. The last thing he wants is a battle right now. Rey would never forgive him and he's not sure he'd forgive himself.

"Arm the ion cannons!" Hux exclaims.

Kylo is about to belay the order when the lieutenant says, "Wait, sir, it's … it's only a Y-wing."

Hux's head tilts. "Just a single Y-wing?"

"Yes, sir. And their weapons aren't armed."

Hux looks at Kylo briefly then back to the crew. "Lock on the tractor beam. Bring them into Hangar C."

"Yes, sir," the lieutenant says.

Kylo watches the activity, unable to prod himself to action. Why would there be a lone Resistance vessel? Y-wings aren't very nimble and typically fly with a squad of X-wings. Their only real advantage is the ability to carry more than one person. What is the Resistance playing at?

He decides that he's going to find out for himself. Perhaps … perhaps whoever is on that ship can help him open up communications with the Resistance, help Rey get home. As it stands now, he has no way to contact them. He would prefer to avoid another galaxy-wide communication. The last thing he wants to do is alert the generals that he's planning to seek peace. General Jehan was far from alone in her thoughts on how to handle their enemies.

Decision made, he starts to the hangar. He dimly hears Hux calling for him but his strides continue to eat the distance to this strange interloper.

* * *

The Y-wing is just setting down when he enters the hangar. There are two dozen troopers surrounding the craft, their blasters pointed at the ship. There's a strange thrum in the Force and Kylo is on alert. He draws ever closer as the cockpit slowly opens. There are two people, a man and a woman from their build.

The smaller of the two takes off her helmet and long brown hair cascades down her back. Kylo looks at her blinking, unable to take in what he's seeing. Then her loving brown eyes catch his.

"Mama …"

* * *

A/N: Thank you to my ever-marvelous beta, CharlotteCAgain, who is always such a great cheerleader, soothing all my insecurities and talking me through plot points of concern.

Thank you readers! I'm so sorry that I'm behind on responding to reviews. Our wi-fi in our new home is spotty at best (which is being fixed today) and it's made it quite a challenge. I'm determined to get caught up this week, as your reviews mean so much to me and I love writing back. Please don't think that I don't treasure each and every one. Thank you all for reading, following, favoriting, and reviewing!


	60. Chapter 60

**A/N: Last week fanfic dot net decided not to send out the alert that a new chapter had posted and didn't change the 'last updated' date. There was a new chapter posted last Monday. Thanks!**

* * *

"Mama …"

He's utterly frozen. Time slows as he watches _his mother_ climb down from the Y-wing. He stands stone-still as she walks up to him. He takes in every detail, her graying hair, her beloved face …

Is she real? Could this truly be happening? Losing her like he thought he had had opened him up in a way he never could have imagined, long discarded perspective had come howling in. He'd been pushing it away for months and it had already been beating his feeble attempts to hold on to his rage.

But the moment he thought she was dead, it was as if he could properly see her again for the first time since he was a child. His arms ache to wrap around her, but his legs won't move. He can't form a whole thought, just fragments of memories. Warmth. Safety. Accusation. Abandonment. But under it all is a thundering sense of long-denied belonging and the feel of his father's hand on his cheek.

She stops a few paces away and looks at him and he thinks he sees every imaginable emotion move across her face. For a moment, she looks so bleak and he knows what … _who_ she's thinking of. The shame is thick and sharp as it slithers through his belly. He wants to hang his head, hide behind his hair like he did when he was a child, but he'll stay strong, face his worst crime.

He prepares himself for the deeply deserved recriminations. In a way, it's welcomed. He wants to _hurt_ for what he did. He could open his skin every day and never touch the guilt. But then … she's _smiling_. Is she smiling for him? After everything he's done, is it possible that smile is for _him_?

She comes to a stop in front of him, craning her neck to look in his eyes. He'd forgotten how very tiny she is. Rey is actually tall for a woman, but compared to him she feels small. His mother now seems impossibly little, especially given the ferocity he knows drives her.

Leia reaches up and holds his cheek, just as Father had done and his eyes involuntarily close in pain. But, oh, it feels so good to feel her solid warmth against his skin. It's so familiar, her touch. It brings back a torrent of gentle, treasured memories. Mama …

"Hello, Son," she says.

His eyes blink open and he can't find what he wants to say first. He wants to beg forgiveness, hurl accusations, ask her why she's here when he hears himself stutter out, "H-how?"

"Ah, well, that's really Terin's story to tell," his mother says as she gestures to her companion.

Natan Ren has removed his helmet and is standing at a respectable distance. He inclines his head. "Supreme Leader."

Kylo looks at him for a long moment before responding, "Natan Ren." He won't be calling him _Terin_ until he understands what the hell is going on. This man may have betrayed the First Order; then again, he's not sure what that means anymore. He'd also healed his beloved, however he had waited weeks to do it. It's all too much and he can barely keep up. He just keeps looking back and forth between his errant knight and his mother.

Leia's face changes, becoming vaguely wary. "Where is Rey?" she asks with a tinge of desperation.

Rey. He wonders if she's felt anything through the Bond … Oh Rey will be so happy. "She's in her quarters … she's packing."

"Packing?"

"I'm … I'm letting her go." He flashes on how he'd held her close for as long as he could, not knowing when he would next feel her skin against his own.

His mother absolutely beams at him then shares a look with Natan, who only nods slightly. "Good. That will make all of this a little easier."

"All of what?" he asks in exasperation, still in a complete fog.

"I'd like to see Rey, and then we'll talk. We'll explain everything, I promise. But first, perhaps you might ask your stormtroopers to lower their weapons?"

He realizes that the troopers have had them surrounded this whole time, watching this confusing display. They hold their weapons half-heartedly and are looking at each other for direction. "Stand down," he barks. Immediately the stormtroopers comply. "Return to your stations." Swiftly, they follow their orders. He's noticed they've been much quicker to do his bidding recently. None of the mild disrespect that is too subtle to remark upon.

He can't stop looking at his mother. She seems much older and yet exactly the same. He's desperate to … well … to hug her. He just wants to feel her arms around him again but he's far too old for such things. Instead he retreats into his cold persona and pretends he's not trembling with the need to hold her ridiculously tiny frame.

Should he ask Rey to come here? Should they go to her? He can't think! He's frozen with indecision when he sees Vitok enter the hangar. Vitok! Vitok will know what to do. She's not wearing her helmet and Hux is right behind her; Kylo scowls. He really would prefer the ginger irritant be kept out of this. Apparently they're a matched set, now.

Vitok crosses the hangar and comes to stand in front of Leia. His mother tilts her head and looks troubled. She breathes out, "Shree."

"Hello, Leia."

"I … I never would have thought …" Leia looks away.

"Someone had to look after these boys. I'd served the Empire. How much worse could it be?"

Leia raises a brow and now Vitok looks away. For the first time, Kylo wonders why Vitok joined the Knights of Ren. He'd never really thought about it before.

"Oh, Shree …" Leia murmurs.

"I made my choices, and I am at peace with them." Vitok seems steely and Kylo is certain he's missed huge swaths of this conversation. He wants to bellow that he's the Supreme Leader and will they all just please go away so that he can hug his mother in peace?

But, no. Vitok will know what to do, this is good. As if she sensed his thoughts, Vitok turns to him and says, "We need to get Rey here immediately. She needs to see Leia as soon as possible."

"In the hangar?" Kylo asks skeptically.

"No, let's go to the officer's mess." Vitok's manner is firm and comforting.

"Right, okay, good," Kylo agrees.

He reaches out through the Bond, "Rey, sweetheart?"

"What's wrong? I felt a spike of something a few minutes ago, but I didn't want to push ..."

"Nothing … nothing is wrong. Please, would you come to the officer's mess hall?"

"Why?"

"Please, just trust me."

"You seem almost … happy."

"I am. Please, come."

"… Alright, I'll be there soon."

* * *

Hux had the officer's mess cleared in moments with one snarled, "Leave."

There is an awkward moment where he's not sure if he should play host, offer seats and food, skills from another lifetime. They're all just looking at each other when the tension is broken by Rey's arrival. His mother had made sure to be facing the door. He senses Rey is here, but he would have known just by the glowing smile breaking across Leia's face.

"Leia!" Rey practically screams. Then she's running and throwing herself into his mother's arms, the way he'd dearly wished to. He has an irrational moment of jealousy for their easy affection.

"Leia, Leia, Leia," Rey sobs, clinging to her beloved mentor.

"Oh, Rey, child, it's so good to see you." Leia pulls back slightly but keeps her hands on Rey's shoulders, looking her up and down. She smiles, seeming satisfied. Rey's eyes are shining with tears and he notices his mother's are also suspiciously moist.

"I thought you were dead!"

Leia scoffs. "It takes more than a jumped up general to take me out. I've been playing this game since this lot was in diapers." She jerks her head towards Hux who sniffs but doesn't say anything.

She looks deep into Rey's eyes and asks with concern, "Now, tell me. Have you been treated well?"

Rey smiles shyly. "Yes. Your son … he took very good care of me." A lovely blush stains her cheeks and Kylo is filled with a swell of love for her. He'll never tire of her delicate face.

Leia nods with an appraising look. "It's like that, is it?"

Shame flashes across Rey's face. She looks down and whispers, "Please don't be angry with me. I tried, I tried so hard but …" Her hands flail and Kylo feels a riot of emotions bleeding through the Bond. Either she's not paying attention or she's leaving it open on purpose. He frowns at how conflicted his beloved feels about loving him.

"Oh, child. I could never be angry with you. I should have told you … even as I was trying to protect you, I had hoped perhaps you would grow to care for him. You have always been our best chance to bring him back."

"I … I thought I was but …" Then Rey looks around furtively.

"It's alright, Rey. We'll talk later. Just know that you did exactly what I hoped you would do and I am not angry with you. You are far better than my son deserves," Leia pauses and looks at Kylo meaningfully, "but I hope that he will rise to the challenge."

Kylo bristles. He dislikes being discussed as if he isn't right here. Besides, last time he checked he was still the most powerful Force user in the galaxy and the leader of the First Order. He may be shifting his priorities, but he's feeling like a schoolboy and it makes him glower.

He finds himself interrupting the two women who matter most to him. "While it's marvelous to have my personal life discussed like this, I still have no idea what the hell is going on. Explain," he barks. Then his mother raises a single brow and he amends, "Please."

Vitok intercedes, "Why don't we all sit. Natan, Leia, can we get you anything, food, drink?"

Leia smiles ruefully and shares a look with Vitok. "Do you have any of that Sandrian ale? Not sure why they call it ale, it puts Corellian whiskey to shame."

"I may keep a bottle tucked away behind the bar." Vitok grins. So that's what that wicked brown liquor Vitok favors is called. He's always wondered.

Hux clears his throat. "It's still morning on the _Finalizer_ schedule."

"Yeah, well, we've been flying in a tin can for two days, I don't care what time it is," Leia says.

Hux cocks his head then shrugs slightly while Vitok suppresses a smile. Kylo realizes he hasn't been paying attention to Rey and looks over to her. She's shifted to the edge of the room and looks a bit lost. He goes over to her and once he has her attention, he holds his hand out. She swiftly takes it and surprises him as she folds herself into his arms.

"What is it," he murmurs into her ear.

"I … I just … I've grown comfortable with you, how safe you make me feel. I don't know … I don't know why I'm here."

"Because my mother loves you and asked to see you almost immediately."

"Really?" Her fathomless eyes blink.

"Yes, love. You're here because you're wanted. You have a seat at this table." He draws his thumb along her cheek then cradles the back of her head.

Her eyes slide away. "But I'm just-"

"No, stop. You are not _just_ anything. You are like a daughter to the leader of the Resistance and, well, the leader of the First Order would marry you tomorrow. If anyone has a reason to be here, it's you. Don't doubt yourself so much, please."

Her gaze returns to him. "Everything has changed, hasn't it?"

"Yes. For the better, I hope."

"Do you still want me to go?" Rey asks in a small voice.

His heart stutters in his chest. "I _never_ wanted you to go, but I do still think it's best that we take some time apart, much as that idea hurts."

Rey purses her lips. "You know, I've been thinking. I didn't get to choose to be here, but I think it's my choice if I go; I think that should be up to me."

Force, has he done it again? Did he make decisions for her? He feels profoundly stupid as he realizes he did. He just told her she needed to go instead of asking her what she wants. Maker, he's hopeless. "I … I … of course. Of course it's up to you."

Rey looks up into his eyes for a long moment then nods firmly. "Good."

"Rey … Be - Ky- … Son?" his mother gets their attention.

"Yes," he responds.

"We're about to get started," Leia says.

He's torn. He wants to keep talking with Rey but he also _needs_ to know precisely what is going on with his mother and Natan. Reluctantly, Kylo leads Rey to join the small gathering around a table in the corner of the room.

Everyone is already sitting and there are glasses of Vitok's strong liquor. He looks at Rey for a moment, wondering if he's going to end up carrying her back to her quarters after just one drink. It's not an unpleasant thought. Not an hour ago he thought he would be saying goodbye to her, possibly for forever, and now … well now he has no idea.

Perhaps Leia will take Rey with her when she goes. But what if she doesn't go? What if she stays and … helps him? Like when he was a boy and they would discuss plans for the galaxy …

His mother looks around everyone assembled at the table and takes a swift drink. She hisses and says "As potent as ever, Shree." Vitok smiles and slams back her own drink. Hux takes a small sip and grimaces.

Leia's expression grows serious and she says, "I'm sure you all have questions."

Kylo wants to ask just what Natan's involvement is, but Rey beats him to it, asking quietly, "Who was on the Resistance ship? The one you were supposed to be on?"

A dark cloud crosses Leia's face. "It was a skeleton crew. Brave, brave volunteers. We didn't trust the First Order to follow Ben's command. I came separately, but Y-wings are much slower." Kylo opts not to correct her use of his old name. He's not entirely certain what his name should be at this point.

"Were … Finn? Poe?" Rey asks fearfully.

"They wanted to. I denied them. Poe is still stewing in a brig after he tried to take his X-wing out without authorization. Finn is back at the base, just waiting for the word that it's safe to follow."

Rey grins that smile that lights him up and Kylo can't help but smile as well. He hasn't seen her glow like this for … well far longer than he'd like.

"How many were lost?" Rey prods, her expression dimming.

"I'm afraid we lost 17 men and women. It was a gamble. I'd hoped I was wrong … that the First Order would be _honorable_." Leia glares at Hux.

"I'll have you know that General Jehan acted against explicit orders!" Hux flares.

"They're still dead," Leia says flatly while Vitok sooths her hand along Hux's thigh.

"Even so, it was highly unusual that a First Order officer behaved in tha-"

"They. Are. Still. Dead," Leia interrupts. "I had hoped they would make contact safely and I would be able to join them later, but that isn't what happened."

"Then why did you still come?" Kylo asks softly. "If you couldn't trust us, why did you risk it?"

Leia's fire dies and she looks at Kylo with such sadness and hope. "Because I felt you through the Force for the first time in years. Because of what you tried to do. I felt your despair. I knew I could trust you."

That moment in the water, when he felt his mother's Force signature, she really had been there with him. Once again he just wants to be alone with her.

"But why did you come at all? I'd asked you here because Rey was dying, but Natan must have told you that Rey was healed …" Kylo is getting frustrated, it's not making sense.

"Terin—Natan—told us it was time," Leia says.

Kylo focuses his stare on Natan Ren. "Yes, do share what part you play in all of this."

Natan sits up and folds his hands on the table, not having touched his drink. His dark face is lean and his hair cropped short. He doesn't speak, just looks at Kylo. Finally, Kylo loses his patience, "I know you saved Rey, but only after making me wait for weeks. Weeks of complete agony. How, Natan? How did you do it?"

"I _am_ sorry I waited so long," Natan says with regret. "But I had hoped she would wake on her own. I wasn't ready to reveal myself. All the pieces were not yet in place."

"Pieces, what pieces?" Kylo asks with frustration. Will someone just speak plainly?

Natan looks at him intensely. "I saw. I saw what was coming and I played my part."

"What part?" he asks, thoroughly exasperated.

Leia breaks in. "Terin has always had Force visions, Son. He … he joined the Knights of Ren because he saw all of this unfold. You … Rey … what you would come to mean to each other. How it would bring you back. But … more than that, he sees a peaceful galaxy, born from the First Order and the Resistance."

Force visions. He's never had one himself and he's not sure what to think of this but Rey's eyes have gone wide. He reaches for her hand. "Darling?"

"So I'm not the only one?" she breathes out.

"The only one what, dear?" his mother asks, taking her other hand.

"I … I saw the past … the future. I still don't really understand all that I saw. I never … I never shared it with anyone. I thought … until Kylo took me, I thought I had just gone a bit mad when I touched that lightsaber."

"What did you see?" Kylo asks fervently. She'd told him that she'd had one, but he hadn't pressed for details. Now it seems essential.

"I saw my past … things I didn't remember clearly. You've seen it, when my mother and Qree left me on Jakku … I also saw that night on Ilaria, when you came for me. I saw …. Demyan, when you saved me. It's part of why I came willingly. I also saw a building burning. I think … I think it was the Academy."

Kylo shakes his head. "No, it couldn't have been. We left the structures intact. We only cared about the Jedi." Both Rey and Leia flinch. Kylo looks away, not able to think on that day, how he'd been so sure he was right. Now, now he knows nothing. He returns his attention to Natan.

"You … what have you seen?" Kylo asks.

Natan looks at his hands. Then he holds Kylo's gaze. "Just before you returned to the Academy, started swaying the others, I had a series of visions. I've had them frequently since then. They never change. You, terrorizing the galaxy, but then a girl, she changes everything. She brings you back to the light. Then you use your power to make peace, true peace. You, and Rey … you bring balance to the Force. The prophecy is fulfilled."

Natan finally takes a drink then continues, "I knew it was time when I heard rumors about your … focus on finding the girl from Jakku. I contacted Master Luke through the Force and we began to plan."

"Just like that, he trusted you? After what we … _I_ did?" Kylo asks with incredulity.

Leia responds, "No, not at first. Luke and I believed him, his ability to reach Luke convinced us both, but it took much more to convince the others. Half the Resistance doesn't really believe in the Force."

Natan nods his head. "It took time. The final test was the information we used to attack the First Order fleet. Once that was successful the plan went into effect."

Hux stands and points at Natan. "Traitor! You betrayed the First Order!" Kylo barely keeps from rolling his eyes. He's still trying to put it all together and he doesn't really want to deal with Hux's fanaticism.

Natan turns his head to the irate general. Slowly, he says, "I betrayed nothing. I was true to my principles. It has been a very long seven years and I did my duty." A slight growl tinges his final words.

"Thousands died and you hide behind your principles!" Hux scoffs.

" _Billions_ died on your watch, General Hux. I'd say we're even."

Hux's mouth snaps shut and he looks down for a moment. Vitok looks at him keenly, her eyes troubled. Eventually he stiffly retakes his seat as everyone watches. The tension is thick and the silence tense.

"You said plan," Kylo prods, bringing them back to the matter at hand.

Leia responds first. "We were going to try and rescue Rey—yes, dear, I know I said we wouldn't—when we heard from Natan. He recommended we give her time, time to reach you. He offered the coordinates of every ship in the First Order fleet as proof of his loyalty. Once we had that proof, we did as Natan and Luke suggested. We disappeared. No conflict, wait, wait until you were ready. Natan was to reach out when it was time. He arrived at our base four days ago. We left as soon as possible."

Kylo nods at his mother, then looks at Natan. "All this time …. I've been in your head … you've been deeply committed. I thought to the Knights of Ren," Kylo says.

"No. I was committed to my path. I did what was necessary for the Force," Natan says. Kylo feels that word— _necessary_ —scrape through his brain.

"So you've always wielded the light side?"

"I never stopped. It's how I was able to heal Rey. You never realized because I found a way to use the dark so long as it is in service of the light. I know I will never again be a Jedi, but the result will be worth the cost."

Kylo sits back, stunned. Natan … he sacrificed his very soul, his morals, because he thought he could save the galaxy. They're two sides of the same coin, only Natan … he knew it was wrong, every life he took, he knew it was wrong but he did it in service of the peace Kylo himself has always sought … Natan's eyes were always open, he wasn't manipulated into his heinous acts. Kylo is deeply ashamed of himself and he stands, going to the viewscreen.

He watches the stars and listens to Vitok trying to keep Hux from exploding. Then it dies down into polite, if awkward, conversation. Apparently they're going to let him gather himself. Then he feels a small hand on his arm. He expects Rey, but it's not quite right so he turns quickly. He finds his mother looking up at him.

"I know you're filled with regret right now. I don't know exactly what happened, but Terin said that you would have a great revelation and your eyes would be opened. That you would be reborn, ready to work for balance."

"Yes," he utters lowly. He still desperately wants to wrap his arms around his mother and he's very aware of her nearness.

"Tell me, please Ben … I'm sorry … I can't call you that other name."

"It's fine. I don't really know what my name is any longer, Mother."

Her eyes crinkle in amusement. "Earlier you called me 'Mama'"

"Yes, well, I thought you were _dead_. I'm 30-years old, be glad I'm not calling you General Organa," he snaps.

Leia smiles. "Still so prickly."

His lips are pulled into a smirk, his irritation soothed. Then he sobers and looks out on the stars. "I don't … I don't know how to do this. There's so much to be said … I thought you had died because of me, just like …" He looks at Leia's face furtively. He finds her looking infinitely sad.

"You're right, we do have much to say to each other, and I very much want to spend time with Rey. She's not … right somehow."

"No … this time has been very hard on her. I didn't realize what I was doing to her. She needs you now … I don't know what will happen with us. I love her, stars, I love her, but …" He scrubs his face with his hands. It's all a jumble. Too much information courses through him and he still hasn't hugged his mother!

He looks into those loving brown eyes and pushes a plea through the Force. Her brows raise slightly, then she pulls him to her and he finally, finally wraps his arms around her, curling over her small frame.

After being so sure that he would never again have the chance to feel this, the warmth and acceptance of his mother's arms around him, he shudders. It feels just like when he was a boy, how she was always there to soothe his tumultuous feelings with comfort and love. His throat is tight but he'll be damned if he cries where _Armitage_ can see.

He can't believe that he rejected this. Turned his back on his _family_. The regret is nearly paralyzing. The guilt. The _shame_. He whispers near her ear, "I'm sorry."

"Oh, Son … I know you are. I felt it, when you were in the water. I know how lost you are." She pulls back and looks up into his face, then reaches up and cradles his cheeks with both hands. "Will you let me help you?"

He embraces her again and says, "Yes, Mama."

* * *

A/N: Thank you to my tremendous beta team! CharlotteCAgain always comes through, even if I send it to her Sunday afternoon, she always gets it back to me in time. Juulna gave me some great tips and saved me from having a rather OOC moment for Leia. Thank you both, I am so lucky to have such talented ladies in my corner.

Thank you beautiful readers! 'Thwarted' turned a year old on Friday and I need to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for how supportive and just amazing you've all been to me and my story. You have kept me writing, even when I wasn't really feeling it, reading your reviews would inspire me to make sure Monday's update was ready. Or a conversation on Tumblr would kick me into gear. Sometimes it was getting a favorite or follow. Just knowing that you are reading and enjoying this is wonderful and I'm so grateful for all of you.


	61. Chapter 61

"Oh, Son …" his mother murmurs.

Everyone has left so that the leaders of the two sides could discuss what comes next. Hux had been desperately trying to pull him aside, but he just didn't have it in him to discuss _strategy_. He knows very little diplomacy will be taking place just yet. It's all too fraught with his family's dysfunction.

He sits near the chosen table with his elbows on his knees, his head bowed and his shoulders showing how helpless he feels. He hasn't really had any time to come to terms with his epiphany in the sea. He'd been set on saying goodbye to Rey, then focusing on what's next. He doesn't even know what will happen with her now. He still craves her like air but somehow … he knows he doesn't deserve the love she gives him.

Half of him is elated that she might stay, and the other half is terrified. He knows that he's broken what's between them, that it grew like a gnarled tree. Instinctively, he knows they have to start again, as much as that's possible. Can they do that with her right here? Doesn't she need … time? Doesn't he? He knows he leans on her for … everything. That it is an impossible burden and he's amazed that she hasn't cracked. Even in her first week with him she was catching him, gathering him up in her arms and putting him back together. That night … after Orin … the memories of Father were so close … But she'd met him with open arms and she'd given him so much.

Every time he's fallen apart at her feet she's simply put him back together with her soothing touches and crooning voice. Never once has she judged him, found him weak, even as he berated himself for being so pathetic in his need, she always chased it all away.

She'd tried to tell him what it was costing her. So many times she tried to explain, but he just couldn't hear her. Perhaps he didn't want to.

He clenches his head with his hands and he knows he has taken every single scrap she'd given him. He thinks of how haunted she's looked over the past few days and he can't find his way through.

He startles when he feels a hand on his shoulder and he looks up. He'd forgotten his mother is with him, so lost in his confusion about Rey. And now he's lost in another of his storms, his _mother_ , right here.

She pulls a chair over and sits across from him, no table between them. Her knees are inches from his, but she doesn't reach to touch him again.

He lifts his head and those loving brown eyes lance through him. So many memories, so good, so bad. He doesn't know what to feel, but he holds her gaze steadily.

"Tell me, please … please talk to me," Leia pleads.

He holds her eyes for a long time, completely at a loss for how to begin. There's too much and not enough between them. Finally he chokes out, "How?"

She smiles gently. "Like you used to; you used to tell me everything."

He snorts. "That was before you sent me away. Abandoned me." The bitterness is strong and cuts through his tone.

Dismay fills her eyes. "I … I never told you …"

She looks away and is about to keep speaking when Kylo says, "You don't have to … Rey told me."

Leia nods slightly and her hands flail. "I didn't know what to do … I never wanted you to know."

"But … to cut me off like that, with no word … do you have any idea what that _did_ to me?" He leans forward, memories of that time cascading through him, how he would cry himself to sleep. He'd felt so lost. He still does.

Her tone is defensive when she says, "Luke thought it would help you make a new life with the Jedi. He said you needed to learn to find your way without m-"

"Seriously, Mother? Did you think about it at all? I was _11_. How would any child feel if his only real parent just stopped talking to him for a _year_!" Kylo is on his feet, bellowing.

"Shhh … please." Leia looks away. She stands and goes to him, her hand reaching for him. He pulls back with a warning look and pain floods her eyes. His nostrils flair with the effort to stay silent and let her speak. She takes in a deep breath. "I was afraid. Senator Khall'n was so powerful. He had the judiciary in his pocket. If he'd used the footage of you using the dark side, they were so afraid of that … I never could have protected you if that got out. They would have insisted you be locked up forever. After Vader …"

He flinches at the mention of his grandfather, reminded of Snoke's treachery. He wonders if he'll ever be able to talk to the real man. He doesn't say anything.

Leia continues, "You …. you don't know how you looked, your face … it was twisted with such hatred. But worse, until I stopped you … you were _enjoying_ it. You were enjoying his suffering. After, he was always watching, reminding me that if I contacted you he would release the holos. It showed … your eyes … they flashed yellow. I never could have protected you from that. You … you almost killed him."

Kylo blinks. That's not how it had seemed at the time … he doesn't even really remember what he did. Only that that horrible man was no longer touching his mother. Could it be true? Had the dark been swirling in him even then?

"Why didn't you _tell_ me?" he asks with aching vulnerability.

"How was I supposed to tell my only child that I was … that I was afraid of him? I could never explain to you what it all meant, not then. You were so young. And you loved the Sentients' Right's Bill so much. How could I ever tell you that I had to let it die … for you?"

"You should have fought for it. You should have let them take me." His expression is grim and his tone flat.

"What?" Leia gasps, her face horrified.

"It was worth far more than I _ever_ was." The self-loathing drips from his words.

"Please, no, my sweet boy, no."

Something inside him snaps at her words. Had he ever been her sweet boy? "Look at me!" he yells. "Look at what I've become!"

"But you're coming back …"

"At what cost? Do you have any idea what I've done to Rey?" His chest is heaving.

She smiles. It confuses him. "Why are you smiling," he demands.

"Because your first thought is for her. Because you deem that your worst offense."

He deflates at that. "No … not my worst," he utters lowly.

Leia's gaze clouds. "No …. Not your worst."

The silence grows and finally Leia says, "Tell me about Rey."

His eyes flick to hers. "She … she's everything to me. I told her once I would make peace for her … I didn't realize how true that really was."

"So all of this, it's just for Rey?"

He frowns. "No … no … I know that things need to change. I'm not sure how far I'm willing to go … but … I never would have seen without Rey. She … she heals me." He can almost feel Rey's small hands moving across him, her precious light infusing him.

"And you heal her, I think," Leia says, her expression pensive.

That's all he wants now, for Rey to be happy and whole. "Really? How could you know?" he asks hopefully.

"I saw the way she looked at you. How quick she was to hide in your embrace. She was never very comfortable with being touched when she was with us. But she sought comfort from you. I never saw her do that in the months she was with us. Not even with Finn," she says.

His jaw tightens at the mention of Finn. He knows there's only friendship between them, but he still doesn't like that another man has any sort of claim to her.

"Now, don't be like that. Finn cares about Rey very much, they went through a lot together."

Kylo snorts. "Yes, I was there."

Leia's eyes glint with fire. "Perhaps a bit more humility is in order, you nearly crippled him."

Deeply ingrained instincts make him wish he had, but now the thought shames him.

Leia's expression shifts and she lifts her hand again as if to touch him before letting it fall to her side. "Tell me more about Rey."

"She hasn't been well …"

"Yes, your message said she wasn't waking up and you hoped I could help."

"No … I mean … everything I've done, it … it was too much for her. She couldn't reconcile loving me with what … what I am. I think, for a time, she just … pretended. She thought I was coming back to the light."

"And were you?" Leia asks pointedly.

Kylo's shoulders fall. "I don't know. Yesterday I would have said categorically no, but now I'm not so sure. Since she came … I haven't wanted to hurt people, use intimidation …. I've changed the stormtrooper program."

"Only because of Rey?"

"No … not just that. Also … it's felt … right. And it seems to yield benefits. There have been fewer executions on First Order worlds." Suddenly he stands straighter. "I did it, you know. Slavery has been eradicated from all systems held by the Order."

Leia blinks. "How?" she gasps.

She won't like this. Not one bit. "When there are no masters it tends not to be a problem."

His mother's eyes close tightly. "Ben ..."

"I regret many things, but not that. They're free, Mother. I _freed_ them."

She sighs and returns to her seat. Leia looks out on the stars and is silent. Her posture is stiff and he doesn't know what to say. He knows he'll have to find a new way, now, that Rey would never approve of his brutal measures. Besides, Rey was right. Order through force is an endless cycle. Without the cloying presence of Snoke and the encouragement of Grandfather, he sees how so many things will need to change. He almost starts to explain his revelation about who precisely was talking to him all those years, but he finds he's not ready to talk about that with anyone but Rey. He feels manipulated and it's difficult not to get lost in self-recrimination for having been so easily misled.

Instead, he retakes his place sitting across from his mother and watches her. She seems so tired. He wonders why she hasn't asked about … Han. Father. He may not be ready to discuss Snoke, but once he's thought of it, he's desperate to at least acknowledge what he did, take responsibility for his most egregious sin.

"Mother?"

Leia startles, as if she'd been in a trance. "Yes?"

"I'm so sorry for … for … on _Starkiller_ … for what I did to … Father." He can't say it properly, make his actions real through words.

She breathes in sharply. "I can't talk about that, not yet."

"But …"

"No. There's too many other things that take priority. Rey, what happens now between the First Order and the Resistance … _Starkiller_ is the past and the only way I can bear to look at you is to focus on the future."

His eyes close tightly in pain. He's reminded of Vitok's words. _Forgiveness is earned …_ He nods.

His mother turns her body so that she's facing him instead of angled to watch the stars. She gives herself a little shake. "Speaking of Rey … tell me what happens next."

Kylo blinks and it takes him a moment to pull himself from that nightmare bridge. "I don't know. I hunted her … kidnapped her. How can she ever forgive me? I can't really believe that through all of this she still says she loves me."

"Well, there is the Bond. I saw how she struggled. She … she cared for you before you … found her."

"I know … she's told me. But … ever since she found out what I did on Eshara, she's been listless … empty."

Leia nods sadly. "We don't know exactly what happened, but some news filtered out. I still don't know what's true however. What happened?"

"You know about the bombing, how Rey collapsed?"

"It would have been hard not to, that holo was everywhere for about a week," she says ruefully. Kylo can't help a twitch of his lips at her wry tone.

"She drained herself overusing the Force helping people. A month later it caused her to go into a coma. I blamed the terrorists for what happened and I … I went to Eshara. I wasn't gentle. I ripped through minds and several people died. Rather, I killed them. Rey couldn't handle the reality of how I maintain order. Ever since then she hasn't been herself."

Leia regards him, a forlorn expression on her face. "And how do you feel about your conduct?"

"I … I was lost without her. I wasn't in any way sane. All the same … I still pulled back. I didn't behave as I would have before Rey. A year ago I would have simply had them all executed and never thought about it again."

Disgust moves across Leia's face before she's oddly expressionless. "And now?"

"Now … I know there's a better way. I don't know what that is yet, but I know there has to be something other than the iron fist of the First Order and the blatant corruption of the New Republic."

"I'm not sure I agree with your take on the New Republic … But, back to Rey, I will say it gave me great comfort to see how you tended to her on that holo, how much she obviously matters to you."

"Oh, Mother … I don't have the words for what she means to me. I didn't know such feelings were possible. I keep thinking I couldn't possibly love her more, but then I just keep falling more deeply in love with her with each passing day."

Leia's face breaks into a warm smile but her eyes are sad. "Love is like that."

He suddenly realizes precisely what he did when he … when he killed his father. He took away his mother's beloved and oh how he hates himself. He hangs his head in shame and whispers, "I'm sorry."

"I said we aren't talking about that," she says sharply.

Kylo nods and silence again descends. Finally Leia says, "You're right to be concerned about Rey's feelings. Strange things happen when there is such a profound imbalance of power."

"What do you mean?" It always seems to come back to that, who has the power.

Leia grimaces. "Do you remember when I told you about rescuing your father from that Hutt, Jabba?"

"Yes," he responds, confused at the seeming non sequitur.

"Well, I didn't tell you everything. We were captured and for a week I was held … he kept me chained like a dog, forced to wear barely anything at all," she says with disgust.

A horrific thought burns through his chest. "Did he …" he growls.

Leia looks up sharply. "No. I was just a pet. No one touched me like that. But there were others held captive. There was one young Twi'lek. She'd been there for half a year. She was … _assigned_ to Bib Fortuna, Jabba's … attendant you could say. After we escaped, I couldn't stop thinking about her. She was quiet, but so kind. I had hoped she would escape in the chaos, but a lesser Hutt took over Jabba's operation after his … death. I can't remember his name. After the Empire fell I sent a team to free who they could."

Is his mother comparing him to the Hutts? His fists clench, but he keeps his silence.

"She cried for days, saying she loved Fortuna, that she only wanted to go back to him. It took a long time with the help of the medical staff before she was able to gain perspective. She told me that it all seemed like a dream, that she got confused, that it was easier to believe she loved her captor than acknowledge she was a prisoner. She said he was very kind to her, to a point, but that once she had enough time away from him she saw that it had never been real."

Kylo's veins feel like ice has replaced his blood as he remembers Rey saying she felt that she was in a dream, all the times she said he confused her. Oh Maker …

"Do you see what I'm trying to say?" she asks gently.

"You're saying that Rey doesn't love me." Fool! How could she love him? How could she possibly?

Leia shakes her head and reaches out to take his hand. He lets her. "No … No, I'm saying that without time, Rey can't know her true feelings. From what I've seen, I think it's very possible that she does love you. But … this situation you created … she can't really know. It may be a coping mechanism. It also might be as real as your feelings for her. I'm hopeful, the way she went to you, how comfortable she is with you … I think chances are that you were Bound for a reason and that you only complicated something that should have been simple. But … she must have time to sort this out. Time with other people."

"She has other people here, Vitok, Kes …" he offers helplessly.

"Kes?" Leia tilts her head.

"She was a stormtrooper. Rey befriended her her first few days here."

Leia sits back. "So she has friends, but they report to you."

"Yes, but why does that matter?" he asks with a touch of impatience.

"It all goes back to you. You have all of the power."

"No! I've given her everything, _anything_ she wants, she only has to ask!" Even as the words escape him he sees the problem.

"But she must go to you for everything. And you can always deny her."

He wants to argue, to say it's not like that. He'd never deny her. But … his mother is right. She does have to go through him for everything.

"What do you suggest?" he asks in defeat.

"Well, ideally, I think Rey should go back to the Resistance. Let her spend time with other people. Let her come to terms with these last three months."

He'd proposed that very same thing himself, but she had been adamant that she get to choose and hinted that she wanted to stay. The idea that she never really loved him twists in his belly and he clings to the hope she won't want to leave, that being parted would hurt her as much as it will hurt him.

But then he remembers his mother's story of the Twi'lek and he doesn't know what he wants her to do. He's gone from wanting her to go to nearly demanding she stay and back again so many times. He knows what he truly wants. He just wants her back in his arms where she belongs. He just wants her to choose him, freely. "What if she wants to stay?"

Leia taps her lips with her finger, obviously thinking. Eventually she says, "Then I think she needs her friends nearby." She pauses, gathering herself. She looks him square in the eyes. "I had hoped … I'd like to stay here, work with you to find a peaceful end to this war. To that end, I would like to invite several key Resistance personnel as well. Bring the Resistance to her, as it were."

He'd still be able to see her … maybe not spend time with her, but she'd be here nonetheless. A tightness in his chest loosens. Yes … this feels right. He hopes that Rey will choose to stay, even if it's not precisely staying with him.

* * *

"Absolutely not," Hux says.

"I'm not asking your permission General Hux," Kylo snarls.

"We cannot have the leader of the Resistance and a traitor to the First Order wandering the halls of the _Finalizer_ with no escort!"

"I'm not keeping my own mother under guard. We're going to be working with these people, in fact, a delegation will be arriving within two days. They are to be treated with full diplomatic status."

Hux opens and closes his mouth then looks at him keenly. "I've never heard you refer to her as such."

"I've recently had a rather profound change in perspective." Kylo pauses, wondering if he should inform Hux of his plans regarding the First Order.

"You agree with all that rot General Organa was spewing, don't you. About peace and balance," he says with a sneer.

"As it happens, yes, I do. Rey is right, our way isn't working. The New Republic's way wasn't working either, I still believe that. But … perhaps we can find a middle ground."

"I cannot believe this! After everything I've done to keep you in power …" Hux mutters to himself.

Kylo's eyes narrow. "What do you mean, everything you've done?"

Hux scoffs. "You really don't know? You've barely paid any attention to your duties in months. Who do you think has been keeping the generals in line? Making excuses? Hiding the fact that you've been mooning over Lady Rey like a boy? There would have been a coup by now if it wasn't for me!" Hux spits.

Kylo blinks. Hux's face is red and Kylo doesn't think he's ever seen this much emotion from him outside of his speeches. Is it true? He supposes he has been a bit distracted, but he had been making changes. He's been making sure the First Order treated their citizens and stormtroopers more humanely. Yes, he'd done it for Rey, but now he just thinks it was the right thing to do.

"No. You're right that I have been spending a great deal of time with Rey, but I have been leading the First Order towards a better path."

"You mean by completely undermining the stormtrooper program?"

"It needed to be done. Besides, efficiency is up by 30% and morale is the highest it's ever been. I'd say it was a success."

"Yes, with the troopers, but not with leadership. That on top of exiling dissenters in lieu of execution and your fanatical insistence that slavery be eradicated immediately in any new territory has them hanging by a thread. General Jehan won't be the only one to disobey orders, I promise you."

"Then we shall have to replace them with those loyal to the Supreme Leader, won't we?"

Hux looks at him for a long time. "I'm not sure they exist … sir."

* * *

Kylo sits in his office trying to untangle everything. His mother … she's not dead, more than that, she's here. Right now she and Rey are spending time together. He hadn't wanted to leave. He'd wanted to stay, hear what they had to say to each other. But they'd both moved with uncomfortable stiffness until he agreed to leave. What are they saying about him?

Vitok … Shree? had walked with him back to the bridge. She'd told him how he needed to give them space, let them reacquaint themselves. But it just felt like being excluded. It was far too close to how he'd felt as a boy. Never measuring up, always meeting closed doors. So now he's brooding, wondering if his mother will convince Rey that she should return to the Resistance. The more he thinks about it, that sense that she should leave is dissipating, replaced with a gnawing, desperate need that she stay. He tries to silence that voice, knowing it comes from the place within himself that led him to take her initially, but it's so loud, so total, so _primal_.

And what to do about Hux … or more precisely the First Order. If what his second in command has said is true, his plans for reform will be very difficult indeed. The last thing he wants is for the Order to disintegrate into factions.

He growls and shoves away from his desk. He can only focus on one thing at a time and frankly Rey is far more important to him than the galaxy, thank you very much.

He just … he just wants to _talk_ to her. They've learned how to do that, haven't they? He feels as if they've bared their souls in the small hours of the night … but maybe it was only himself laid open.

Kylo's shoulders hunch in resignation and he retakes his seat. He leans his elbows on his desk and hides his face in his hands. Oh Rey …

He keeps contemplating what she'll do when he's startled out of his reverie. Suddenly, Rey is before him, having entered his office without him noticing.

"Hi," she says. She twists her hands and seems almost shy.

"Hello," he responds cautiously.

"Uhm. How are you?"

"I'm fine," he says evenly.

"I just … I thought with everything … with your mother …"

"I'm fine," he repeats.

She crosses the room and looks down on his sitting form. "Are you sure?"

He laughs slightly and looks to the ceiling. "No … no, I'm not sure at all. But I'm here."

She moves around his desk and is soon leaning against it, next to him. She's only inches from him and he wants to grab her waist and pull her into his lap, but his fingers only tighten on his knees.

Hesitantly, she reaches out and cups his face. Force, when she touches him … "I … I've spoken with Leia."

"Hmmm," is all he says.

"I … I don't want to leave. To leave you."

His eyes dart to hers. He'd hoped, oh how he'd hoped this would be her decision. "What do you propose?"

"I want … I want to help. I want to be part of this new vision, bringing together the First Order and the Resistance."

"Well, I've not agreed to anything," he says testily. His mother's presumption galls him.

"No …. But you will." She smiles gently.

He wants to refuse, but he knows … he knows she's right. "Perhaps," is all he'll say.

"I want … I want to stay … but you're right, Leia's right. We've been through too much. I have so much to figure out, now that I'm seeing things properly again. I thought … I thought it could be like before. I'll be here, but we won't … we won't see each other."

Maker that hurts. The thought of her being near but not being able to look on her perfect face, or feel her against him … but she's right. He also needs time to unravel this confusing mass of emotions. He needs to be able to focus on the next steps of the First Order and the absolutely confounding relationship with his mother.

"So …" he prompts.

"So, if you'll allow it, I'll stay in my rooms and I'll only see you when we're working on what happens next."

"Alright," he agrees.

Rey looks at him, startled. "Just like that? You aren't going to press for dinners or …"

"No, I will try to never press you like that again. I told you once that I want nothing from you that you do not give me of your own free will. But then I pushed, and pushed, begged, then pushed some more. That's not really allowing you to make your own choices. If you decide to come back to me you will make me the happiest man in all of the systems, but if you choose to leave, if you decide you never loved me … I'll accept it."

"What?" she gasps. "Never loved you? How could you say such a thing?"

He takes her hand from his face and places it gently at her side. "My mother helped me see that I put you in an untenable situation, that perhaps you only think you love me … as a coping mechanism."

Rey rolls her eyes. "I know my own mind, Kylo Ren. I know we need space, too much has happened. But I promise you. I love you, please don't doubt it. Please don't doubt me."

He frowns, thinking again of his mother's story. "I want … I want you to be able to come to terms with everything that's happened … what I did to you. And I want you to know it's alright if your feelings change because of that." He looks at her steadily, but the thought of losing her makes his heart _bleed_.

Rey shifts and puts herself between his legs, lifting his face with her hands. "Thank you. We'll find our way through this. I know it. I can sense that I have a great deal of anger at you for your choices, but right now I'm just … I'm just proud of you."

He looks up into her delicate face and his chest swells with the idea that she's … proud of him. Oh, how he wants her to always be proud of him. He'll find a way, he'll be the man to earn her esteem.

Hesitantly, he wraps his arms around her waist and she pulls him close. He buries his face in her chest and they take these final moments to feel each other.

"I will do right by you, Rey, I swear it."

"I believe you."

* * *

Thank you Juulna for the super speedy last minute beta! I was terrified I'd have to post this without another set of eyes and she came through like the champ she is.

Thank you my very patient readers. I'm horribly behind on responding to reviews, my health has been wonky as of late. But, I'll be happily writing back today. You are all absolutely marvelous!

Special thank you to ns0241, who sent me a scarf printed with the text of the Sheytaya chapters. It's gorgeous and I can't stop wearing it!


	62. Chapter 62

His bed is so lonely. He hasn't tried to sleep in his rooms for … weeks. His arms tremble to hold her, his legs keep trying to twine around hers. He tosses and turns, trying to find a comfortable place, but all he feels is empty.

Rey …

* * *

Kylo wakes with an aching hole in his heart and he panics because she isn't tucked against his chest. Where is she! Then he remembers and he lays flat on his back, gasping in air as he comes to terms with the fact that she's not here. She was never meant to be here. He took her from her home and bent her to his will. He turns on his side and curls into a ball. Oh Rey …

 _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry._

* * *

He's sluggish when he wakes again, his lashes fused together from tears he doesn't remember shedding. His head throbs and all he knows is agony. He reminds himself that she's said they'll take this time to heal, that soon they'll be together the way they were meant to be. But then he remembers his mother's story about the Twi'lek, how once she was away from her captor she realized none of it was real. If that's true, if Rey never really loved him … how is he to go on?

* * *

The water pounds against him and he finds something approaching normalcy in the shower. He knows she's just down the hall. She's fine. She's safe. But nothing has felt so wrong as her absence. He reminds himself that this time is meant to be _useful_ , that he has so many of his sins to address. He doesn't _deserve_ to have her and he won't allow her back in until he does.

* * *

"Son?" his mother queries with concern. "You don't … you don't look well."

He wants to snarl at her. Of course he's not _well_. Even when Rey was _dying_ he still slept with her nestled close and near. This is positively unnatural! But he won't show how deep this cut goes. His mother still has access to Rey and the last thing he wants is for Rey to hear that he's hurting. She must be allowed this time, time to find her way through everything he's done to her. He must prove that he can do this. If his mother goes to her with tales of his weakness she'll only come running to his side. Rey is too kind to do anything else. So he will be strong. He will do this.

* * *

The second morning he avoids his mother and goes straight to his training room. He almost went to the knights' training room, but he can't take the chance he'll run into Rey. His fists pummel training droids and he beats the cushioned walls. It doesn't help. His shoulders are bent and his chest heaving when Vitok … Shree finds him.

"Supreme Leader …"

"Kylo, for Maker's sake … Kylo. I know I haven't come close to earning your forgiveness, but please …" He turns to her and takes in her eyes, so like his mother's, and says, "Shree … call me Kylo."

"If I'm to be Shree, shouldn't you be …" she trails off, clearly unwilling to voice the name Snoke forbade years ago.

He laughs a sound with no mirth. "No … I've not earned it."

"Do you want to?" she asks with a cocked head.

"I don't honestly know … she … _she_ calls me Kylo."

"Ah … I see. So this is about Rey."

He rounds on her quickly. "Of course it's about Rey. Who else would it be about?" he asks harshly.

"Well, let's see, it could be about your mother, or the impending arrival of the Resistance delegation." Shree's eyes are steady.

He scoffs. "Why would I care who my mother brings from her rag-tag group of rebels?"

Both of her brows rise. "Because one of them is FN-2187, now commonly known as Finn."

He stiffens and his eyes go to the training room daggers. No … no. That is not the answer. He clenches his teeth as he says, "And why would I care what a damaged stormtrooper does?"

"Kylo …" Shree admonishes.

"What? What do you want me to say? That I'm threatened? That I'm terrified she'll choose him over me? That I know it will _kill_ me to see his hands on her? Is that what you want?" His voice rises with each pronouncement.

Shree looks at him placidly. "Not precisely, but yes, I do want you to talk to me."

"Why? After what I did to you, why would you _care_?" he pleads.

Shree rolls her eyes. "You really can be profoundly stupid."

He snorts. "Tell me something I don't know."

She sighs and moves closer. "Yes, you crossed a line. Frankly, one I never thought you'd cross. But it's done. It doesn't change that I care about you."

He's brought up short. For some reason he'd never really equated Shree's kindness with her truly caring about him. He was so convinced that he was alone that he never really saw the overtures others made. It would be easy to kaleidoscope through memory, find all the missed opportunities … but instead he thinks about the here and now, the things he doesn't understand. He remembers her strange camaraderie with his mother and wonders what else he doesn't know. His mother had seemed … disappointed in Shree for her choices and he's filled with questions. Abruptly he asks, "Why did you join the Knights of Ren?"

Shree blinks quickly at the change of subject then looks away. "You've never asked that before."

"No, I haven't. Because I was too dim to see that it mattered. You obviously know my mother."

"Yes … and I suppose the answer to your question explains that as well."

He turns to look at her fully. "What then. Please, Shree … please. I'm so tired of not understanding everything going on around me."

Shree reaches up and cups his face, startling him. It's such an affectionate gesture, something he only really knows how to accept from Rey. Her eyes are sad when she asks, "We did you no favors protecting you, did we?"

He scoffs. "Protecting me? Is _that_ what she was trying to do?"

Shree holds his eyes and says, "Yes."

"Tell me then, tell me how she _protected_ me." The familiar bitterness rises within him.

She goes to the edge of the room and sits on the mat, cross-legged. Kylo looks over at her until she glares at him and he joins her, sitting across from her.

Shree looks at nothing then says in a quiet voice, "Leia and I met when Luke was first finding Force sensitives. I heard about his new school and decided it was time to reveal my abilities. Now, I never had anywhere near the sheer power of the Skywalkers, but … after serving with the Empire, hiding in plain sight … " She looks at her hands and he sees true pain in her posture. She shakes her head and looks back to him. "Well, I thought it was time. She visited her brother when there were only a few of us, no children yet. We liked each other immediately." She grins. "It made Luke _incredibly_ nervous. She kept telling me stories about him from his younger years. And of course she told me all about her little boy." Her eyes are full of warmth but Kylo keeps his face blank. Somehow, the idea that she talked about him, that Shree knew of him for so long … it makes his time at the Academy stranger somehow. Was he … an obligation?

"Anyway, we kept in touch. She enjoyed hearing about the New Jedi Academy from a different perspective." Shree's eyes glint wickedly. "She especially liked stories about her brother in a less than flattering light."

Kylo can't help the small smile that pulls at his lips. "Yes, I imagine she would. Teasing Luke Skywalker was always one of her favorite pastimes."

Shree sobers. "She contacted me when you were on your way to us … explained a bit of what had happened."

Her eyes implore, but Kylo stiffens. Shree had _known_ , all that time? His jaw clenches and he doesn't like how this is reframing his history with Shree. She catches his eyes and says "She asked me to look after you."

"You were kind to me because of my _mother_?" he asks, his tone hurt. Suddenly he feels like yet another relationship in his life is built on quicksand. Will everyone he cares about lie to him? How long before Rey betrays him, too?

Her eyes move swiftly to his. "No, Kylo, _no_. It was _nothing_ like that." She goes up on her knees so that she can grab his hand. He almost pulls away, but something in her stance stills him. Shree holds his eyes intensely. "I would have anyway, I promise. You were ... you were an _amazing_ young man, so vulnerable yet made of steel. You felt _everything_ … I think you still do. And you needed someone to talk to. I was fond of you right from the start. Not unlike how I just clicked with Leia. Don't think, _not for one minute_ , that I was there for you out of obligation or simply because my friend asked. It all would have happened as it did. I'm sure of it." Her eyes plead with him and he feels it deep in his heart.

Kylo calms down, wanting to believe her words. He's not sure he can take any more of the past remaking itself. She's still tense and he nods once. She lets out a breath and relaxes, letting go of his hand and retaking her cross-legged position.

Thinking about it now, he sees that Shree's actions … they don't quite fit. If he'd ever thought about it before, he would have seen and he wonders why Snoke allowed it. He tilts his head and asks,"But, if you were friends with my mother, the sort of person who takes lost boys under your wing—I never thought to wonder about it—why would you join the Knights of Ren, wield the dark side?"

Shree smiles sadly. "Because of you, of course. And Orin, all of you boys. Even Jerik. I'd served the Empire. I knew I could do it. I knew that you all needed me and if that meant giving myself to the dark side, well ... it was worth it. I found my balance, the strange arithmetic that lets me sleep at night. Besides, I've always agreed with your ideals. And I don't see the galaxy in the black and white terms that Rey does. I understand sacrifice and that sometimes people need to die. I understand war." He watches as a hundred acts flow across her face and he wonders at the real toll. He knows he hasn't even begun to face his own atrocities, keeping them tightly locked away until he can find a way to survive the guilt.

She looks down at her lap and pain moves across her face. Her voice is low when she says "I'd lived my first 19 years hiding the Force within me and I wasn't going to lose my connection, not when I knew I could be ... useful."

Kylo remembers that horrific day, the way they wept once Snoke had severed their connection to the Force, the way the children had seemed so lost. He'd shut it all out that day, refusing to feel anything but duty and loyalty to his ersatz 'grandfather'. Maker, the way they'd milled about the courtyard with huge, frightened eyes … They still haunt him in the night. Now he sees that it was as if he'd leached the color from their lives. He hadn't removed the Force from their blood personally, but he might as well have.

They'd left them there for Skywalker to find, in the care of the few older ones left alive. He'd comforted himself with inventorying their supplies, making sure they had enough food and medical equipment. They were alive, the mantra that kept his legs moving during that awful time. Force, Rey would have been so ashamed of him. He should … he should tell her if he has the opportunity. Tell her she was right. He _was_ a monster. Can he … can he ever come back?

"I was wrong," he whispers.

Shree looks up. "About what?"

" _Everything_."

"No … not everything. Your vision for the galaxy, it's a good one. But maybe … maybe there's a better way to achieve it."

Her kind brown eyes are filled with hope. He can't bear it and he looks away. "I hope so, Shree; I've promised her peace."

She's quiet for long enough that he returns his gaze to her. He finds her smiling softly. She nods as she says, "Well then, you'd better give it to her."

* * *

He's standing with his mother, waiting for the Resistance members. Leia says they're only expecting nine people. He's a bit surprised she hadn't wanted more of her colleagues, but perhaps they don't trust that many people from their leadership to the questionable care of the First Order.

Rey is standing to the side and he forces himself not to look at her. To not see the lovely royal blue gown she'd selected, to not notice that she's wearing the first necklace he'd given her, perfectly repaired and resplendent against her glowing skin. He tries not to care that she's left her hair free for anyone to see, but his fingers flex with the need to run his hands through her tresses.

The modest ship lands in the hangar of the _Finalizer_ and he watches as _Finn_ emerges first, followed by two more humans, a man and a woman. He doesn't recognize either of them. He averts his eyes as he senses Rey rushing to her friend. But he can't close his ears to how she squeals in delight or how the traitor calls out "Rey" as if her name belonged to him.

His hands ball into fists when he can't help but see how the traitor wraps her in his arms and swings her around in a circle. Maker, she's gorgeous and this effort is not for him. He steals a glance at her as she and her _friend_ walk past where he's waiting. Their eyes meet for a moment and he sucks in a breath. Her eyes look dull, like she too has had trouble sleeping. She pauses, as if she's going to say something. Then she closes her eyes briefly, her brow furrowed in … pain? He takes an involuntary step towards her, his hands moving of their own volition, reaching out to fold her to him. She's hurting, she needs him. Rey suddenly looks terrified and he backs away.

She gives herself a little shake and turns to Finn, her expression changing to a wide smile. The traitor looks at him with dark accusation, but then he returns her smile and takes her hand. Kylo's eyes are glued to where their hands link. He's slammed into a memory of his fingers intertwined with hers as he thrust into her, lost in her lively eyes. He can't do this! Why did he even push for space? What was he thinking? Someone else is _touching_ her, someone who was strong enough to follow his own path. Kylo fears Finn is a far better man and it's all he can do to hold himself in place.

They move out of his sight and her delighted laughter fills the hanger. He just wants to destroy something. But now is not the time for that. Now he needs to work with these people and give Rey her peace. Concentrating on his breathing, he thinks about what he wants to accomplish, how much he's willing to compromise just to right his wrongs.

He returns his focus to the Resistance ship. They're all clustered, waiting for his mother and himself to approach. She's stayed silent, watching his interaction with Rey and he wonders what she thinks of it all. Does she think he's weak? Or does she understand his struggle?

They start towards the delegation and his heart stops when he sees a very familiar figure step forward.

Luke Skywalker.

Time ceases to have meaning as he feels like a struggling adolescent and an enraged young man. Every feeling his _uncle_ has ever inspired howls through him in one overwhelming moment. He uses all of his strength to keep his face impassive and forces himself to take in details, bring himself back to now. Slowly, history recedes and Kylo is able to breathe again. He sees the man in front of him as he is, not the many versions he's known before. Skywalker has aged considerably, but it's unmistakably him.

He turns to his mother, his surcoat swirling about him. "You didn't tell me _he_ would be coming," he hisses.

"In your initial invitation you did say he was welcome, even guaranteed his safety," she counters and his eyes narrow. It feels far too much like the way his mother would always _manage_ situations.

"That was before, when I thought he might be able to help Rey!" he exclaims.

"Well, he's here now. I felt that if we were to make any real progress, everything, and I mean _everything_ , will need to be addressed. This will never work with our family's history threatening the foundation."

Something inside him recoils at the prospect. There's so much. What he's done. What they did. What they didn't do. He feels like an awkward boy, with nothing firm to stand on. He can't face Skywalker … he can't.

Kylo looks at Hux, with his pinched disapproval then at Shree, whose eyes are darting quickly, taking everything in. Finally his gaze lands on his _uncle_ and the old relic has the audacity to smile at him.

He turns on his heel and strides from the hangar, calls of "Ben!" following him.

* * *

"Supreme Leader," his comm comes alive. He ignores it.

"Supreme Leader!" Hux's tone is far more exasperated. "Sir, you invited this rabble onto our ship and I refuse to continue to clean up your messes. Get down to your hall. Now!"

Normally, Hux's high-handed attitude would have resulted in an empty threat and light pressure to the ginger irritant's throat. But instead, Kylo continues to sit in the dark in his rooms.

He can't face Luke Skywalker, not now. Not after coming to understand what he did. It wasn't mercy, it was cruelty embodied. There's nowhere to hide now that _necessary_ means nothing.

Oh how desperately he wants to talk to Rey. She's the only one who understands him, who seems to know how to unravel the chaos in his mind.

He growls when he hears his door alert. He stalks to the durasteel panel and opens it, a snarled "What!" dying on his lips as he sees his mother.

She just raises an eyebrow. "You are late to the first planning session. General Hux is clearly considering the airlock as a viable negotiating strategy. I do hope you'll be joining us?"

Her sarcastic manner gets under his skin immediately.

"Well perhaps you shouldn't have ambushed me!" he growls.

She has the grace to look shamed. She's quiet for a moment before saying softly, "I didn't think you'd agree. I thought this was the only way."

Kylo snorts. "Well you were certainly right about that!"

"Listen, Ben, you and Luke need to speak to each other. And not just because of the things you did. But because of his own failures."

"Oh, so you finally see that the great Luke Skywalker might have had no idea what he was doing?" he asks flippantly.

She frowns. "He made mistakes. We all did. I never should have sent you away. I should have found another way. I should have asked Luke to visit more, help you at home. Make sure he was a part of your childhood. At the time, though, it seemed that reviving the Jedi was essential for the future of the galaxy."

"Ah, yes, I know _exactly_ where I ranked when it came to the galaxy."

"How can you say that? You know what I sacrificed for you." She places her hand on his arm and he's ashamed of how much he still needs the gentle touch of his mother.

"Perhaps you wouldn't have had to if you'd ever been home," he whispers brokenly.

"Oh, Son … I …. I'm sorry. I know we failed you." Then her eyes grow hard. "But I think you've had your revenge." She pulls her hand away.

He blinks. Her words hit him hard because she's right. When he stacks his sins against hers … it's nothing. She was busy, neglected him. Lied to him about his grandfather. But …. when he thinks of all he's done, the countless beings to fall to his saber, the stream of minds he's invaded, the Jedi Academy … his father … Rey. The anger just seeps out of him.

"You're right mother … you're right," he says, his shoulders hunching forward.

Her eyes widen, clearly startled. "I don't mean to say that you don't have the right to be angry. There are so many things I would do differently if I had the chance. I just mea-"

"No … I've held onto this hurt and anger for far longer than I should have. I've been blinded by my hate and I want to see clearly now. I understand putting that which you love most aside for the galaxy." He laughs ruefully. "Maker knows, I did it to Rey. I put my ambition before her, refused to consider any solution to the Bond but having her on my terms. If I'd only listened … compromised … well, she would be by my side now instead of with _Finn_." He nearly spits the traitor's new name.

"They're only friends. We talked about this." There is reproach in her tone.

"I don't care! I hate it. I hate it. It's only been two days and I-" He stops himself, remembering that his mother will likely tell Rey of his outburst.

With that knowing look all mothers possess, she says, "I won't tell Rey. She's struggling enough with this separation as it is."

"She is?"

"Of course she is. It will take time for her to straighten out how she feels. Right now she's missing you desperately. She asked Kes to stay with her last night."

"Kes? Kes has returned to her?" A glimmer of happiness blooms in his chest. Rey needs her friend and he was afraid he'd ruined their relationship forever.

"Yes, she has. She was profusely apologetic too. She's a lovely young woman. They told me what you've done for her, promoting her like you did."

Kylo looks away. "And did they tell you what I did _to_ her?" The familiar shame runs through him, suffocating and hot.

"Yes, they told me that too. But Kes seems to have made her peace with it. Your guilt may have been the catalyst, but you really have done wonderful things for the stormtroopers."

It strikes him as very odd that she would care about the enemy's fighting force. He's about to remark on it when she says, "We've always known the troopers didn't really have a choice. They're slaves just as much as any struggling child on a desert planet."

"What? No, the First Order doesn't _own_ them, they aren't …" he can't finish the sentence as once again his perspective changes. Trained from birth. No choice. _Reconditioning_. He finds he has to sit down. His mother lets him gather himself, sitting across from him.

He runs his hands through his hair. Then he snorts inelegantly. "All this time … I've detested slavery, pushed, _begged_ Snoke to make its eradication a priority, then insisting it be primary First Order policy … And we're the largest slavers in the galaxy." When will reality stop turning in on itself? Has he seen clearly about _anything_?

"Yes," she says simply.

He looks up swiftly. "What do I do? Please, Mother … help me fix this."

"Well, I think the first thing you need to do is have a conversation with Finn."

His stomach roils at the prospect. "To what end?" he asks doubtfully.

"He's the only trooper we know of who has broken through his conditioning."

Kylo considers this and shakes his head. "No … Kes did too. Not with such … flair, but she did. Perhaps … perhaps between the two of them …" He really does not like the idea of having to ask Finn for counsel, but his mother is right. He's learned a great deal from listening to Kes and much as he detests the idea of conversing with the traitor, the man has wisdom he needs.

He looks at the ceiling and scoffs, suddenly remembering something his father said.

"What?" Leia asks with a touch of confusion.

"Something … something Father told me when I was young," he says cautiously.

Her face closes and he sees rage flash in her eyes, but then she takes a deep breath and asks, "What was it he said?"

"He said … he said 'Kid, your mother is always right. You can try to fight it, but you'll always lose.'"

She blinks, and then suddenly she's doubled over in laughter. He's a bit alarmed as it has a tinge of hysteria. Soon, she's grasping her sides and gasping for breath. Eventually she calms and wipes her eyes. She lets out a huge sigh and shakes her head.

"What …" He doesn't really know what he's trying to ask.

"From the minute I met that infuriating man, he would never, _ever_ acknowledge that I was right. The closest he'd come was some glib comment …" She stands and goes to look out on the stars; he gets the sense she's not really paying attention to him any longer.

Kylo comes to stand behind her just in time to hear her whisper, "And don't you forget it, you old scoundrel."

* * *

A/N: This is a first for me. Because I didn't finish writing this until bedtime last night, this chapter has not been looked over by a beta. So if it's egregious, it's entirely my fault. ;) It's especially funny that it hasn't been beta'd because Juulna was literally right next to me while I finished it.

Thank you Juulna, for making the trek out to California to visit! I'm having such a wonderful time and I'm just thrilled you're here.

Thank you readers! You have all been so patient and kind with my disrupted posting schedule. At this point I have no real sense of when the next chapter will post. I'm going to Ireland and England for two weeks in July, but once I'm home, I believe I'll be able to be back on my weekly schedule. It's been a busy summer so far!

Thank you all for each hit, follow, favorite, and review! You are an amazing group of people and I'm so lucky you give my story your time.


	63. Chapter 63

"So good of you to join us, Supreme Leader," Hux says with false sincerity. Kylo holds his eyes and cocks his head. His fingers flex and Hux swallows.

"I'm sure we all want these talks to go smoothly, don't we General Hux?" Kylo asks as he leans against the ostentatious doorway to what used to be Snoke's holographic chamber. There are First Order flags hanging from the overly high ceiling to the gleaming floor. It's a shocking amount of space to waste on a Star Destroyer and for the hundredth time Kylo rolls his eyes at himself. How could he have been so bloody blind? Snoke was a charlatan, through and through. This hall is another bit of proof that it was all smoke and mirrors.

He continues to lounge at the entrance, exuding boredom as he inspects his gloves. He's trying to project an air of indifference he absolutely does not feel. He wants to look for Rey's face among those gathered, but he controls himself. He glances at his mother, who is looking at the First Order flags and he wonders if he should have requested they be removed. The space isn't conveying what he feels, but he's not sure if he'll lose ground with his officers if he has them taken down.

He senses someone watching and finds Luke Skywalker regarding him. Once again, his failure of an uncle smiles and Kylo quickly looks away. Not yet, old man.

Finally, he pushes away from the doorway and strides to his chair. The table is a large circle, allowing the illusion of everyone having an equal voice, but he knows this all comes down to himself and his mother. He wishes he were wearing his mask as he suppresses a curl of his lip. A well-polished fantasy floats through his mind. He sees himself sitting on a dais, Rey to his right, resplendent in lush silks and elegant jewels. No one questioning him, a fair ruler, a just ruler, a _good_ ruler.

He sighs, shaking himself from his imaginings. Those sorts of thoughts belong to another man, not the man he wants to become. As seductive as they are, Rey is right, there is no way to achieve that without more blood being spilled. He feels the stains of his actions down to his soul and he's not sure he would survive one more drop.

Kylo looks around the table as he takes his seat, finally able to see Rey without being obvious about it. The necklace he gave her settles just above her breasts and the swell of longing that moves through him leaves him grateful he's already seated. He'd surely go to her if he were still standing.

Finn eyes the four stormtroopers stationed at the edge of the room warily and Kylo sees another way he'd not considered how he was presenting the First Order. What he doesn't know is if it would be better that they not be here at all or if he should have asked Kes to participate, to bring the troopers perspective. He'll have to talk with Captain Phasma and Kes. He pushes away his mother's suggestion that he speak with Finn privately. That is a last resort he hopes not to have to rely on.

His gaze continues to sweep those assembled. Natan's expression is neutral and his bearing self-possessed as always. Now, this is a man he likely should speak with … again, he avoids the thought.

Everyone looks at him expectantly. He clears his throat. "Now that we're all here, let's begin," he says to the room.

* * *

"Non-negotiable," Hux barks and Kylo looks at him swiftly.

"General Hux, I think what General Organa has suggested is quite reasonable. A cease-fire throughout the systems is an excellent show of good faith," Kylo says forcefully.

Hux purses his lips and his nose flares. "The generals won't like it. After General Jehan, they might not follow this order."

"If any one of them are foolish enough to defy me, they will be dealt with appropriately." His mother purses her lips and sits up sharply. He hadn't meant execution, but he'll allow the implied threat to do its job.

"But, sir-"

"No, we _will_ find a way towards a peaceful solution and that starts with this step. No more bloodshed," Kylo says steadily.

Hux fumes but nods curtly.

Rey absolutely beams at him and his heart constricts. He wants to do everything he can to make her look at him like that every day. Making Rey proud feels almost as good as her light.

* * *

"No."

"What do you mean, 'no'?" his mother asks with scorn.

"I mean, no, no senate. Look at what happened before. It just doesn't work on that scale. Nothing is ever done."

"But how are we to ensure representation? Democracy?" Leia's eyes flash with warning.

"Is that really what you want?" Kylo wonders if his mother is so entrenched in old ways of thinking that she's lost sight of her real goal.

"Of course it is!"

"Yet the senate did _not_ require their senators be elected, where was the democracy for the systems with a monarchy?"

"But without a senate, you're simply building another Empire!" Leia spits.

"Perhaps we need to discuss what exactly the Resistance wants instead of the mechanisms by which your goals are achieved."

"You know what I want. I want what I've always wanted: prosperity, safety, freedom … happiness for _everyone_!"

"And a senate will achieve that." His tone is laced with doubt.

"Yes!"

"It never has before," Kylo says softly.

Leia sits back in her chair and looks away.

* * *

"Supreme Leader," Hux says, approaching him as the talks are breaking up for the day.

"What is it, General?" Kylo asks wearily.

"We still have the officers from the _Tarkin_ in custody. If they aren't to be released, we'll need to make some transfers."

Kylo feels tension rising behind his eyes. He'd forgotten about the _Tarkin_ completely. The last few days have nearly obliterated his ability to think. He scrubs his face with his hand.

"What do you suggest, Hux?"

Hux looks away before saying, "Given that General Organa is alive and well, perhaps you might consider reinstating them. I've had to draw from our own crew to keep the _Tarkin_ operational and it puts a strain on both ships."

Kylo doesn't particularly care for that solution. Those people attempted to murder his mother, he's not likely to forget that any time soon.

He's startled when said mother appears at his side. "I agree with General Hux. Release them."

He turns to her and looks down on her petite frame.

"But … they tried to kill you. They _did_ kill 19 of your people."

"And we killed thousands of First Order personnel three months ago. My understanding is that you killed the general responsible as well as her first officer. If I'd wanted vengeance, I would be satisfied." Her brown eyes are troubled but her expression clear. "Let them go, Son."

Kylo sighs and realizes he truly doesn't care. "Alright. Hux, make the arrangements."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

Useless. A day of infuriating bickering. He's in his quarters looking out on the stars and he knows there are things he must do, but he's so drained. During one of the breaks, Luke Skywalker had approached him and Kylo had simply walked away. He won't deal with him, too. It takes enough of his energy to keep from staring at Rey and obsessing at the edges of the Bond. At least Finn had kept his hands to himself. No more embraces and clasped fingers. Of course, who knows, right now they could be cuddled in her quarters, watching a holo …

He grasps his head. He can't think like that. He'll surely go mad.

* * *

"Captain Phasma … Kes," Kylo says in welcome. He's had them meet him in a small conference room, away from his office prior to the reconvening of the talks. It was the closest he could come to equal footing.

"Supreme Leader," they respond. Phasma is unmasked and Kes looks wary but not afraid.

"Thank you for coming. It occurred to me during yesterday's … proceedings that the stormtroopers are not represented at these talks. Apart from Finn, formerly known as FN-2187."

Phasma stiffens at the mention of the traitor. "I'm not sure he's the best choice to speak for us."

"No, thus why I've brought you here. Please, sit."

* * *

Phasma and Kes are making to leave after deciding that they will both be joining the negotiations.

As Kes walks to the door, Kylo says, "Kes …"

She turns and looks at him, her face impassive. "Sir," she says stiffly.

Phasma has stopped her movement to the door and turns to look at them both.

"You are dismissed, Captain."

Phasma hesitates, looking at Kes. She gives a slight nod and Phasma leaves after lingering another moment.

Once they're alone, he says quietly, "Thank you."

"For what?" Kes's tone is remote.

He takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "For allowing me to speak with you. If you would prefer to leave, I won't stop you."

Kes looks away for a moment then stands up straighter. "No … Rey and I have talked … I understand why you did it."

"I will never do it again, you have my word."

She purses her lips. "I hope you won't."

"In time, you will see that I'm sincere." He holds her eyes until she looks away.

She clears her throat. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"I simply wanted to make sure that you knew that your participation in these talks is entirely voluntary."

Her eyes narrow. "That's not exactly true. It can't really _be_ true. I'm a stormtrooper. Or something in between."

Kylo remembers his conversation with his mother. About how the stormtroopers are essentially slaves. "Yes … you're right. But I do want to change that."

Kes's brows rise. "So you'll just let us go?"

"Ultimately, yes."

Kes's eyes go swiftly to his. "You … you'd do that?"

"I haven't suggested it to the generals yet. I'm certain they would mutiny if I did. But I want you to know that I will do everything in my power to restore what was taken from you. Find your families, new livelihoods … I cannot give you back the childhoods the First Order stole, but I will do what I can."

Kes worries at her bottom lip and won't meet his eyes.

"What is it?" he asks.

Still looking away, Kes says, "If you mean that, you have to listen to us. You can't just do what you _think_ we want."

"Go on," Kylo encourages.

"I mean you have to let us _choose_."

He laughs slightly and Kes blinks in confusion.

"Everything else in my life seems to come down to letting people choose, so why not this?" he wonders as he chuckles again, shaking his head. He must let Rey _choose_. He must let the people of the galaxy _choose_. Now he must let stormtroopers _choose_. He feels as if the Force is trying to make a point and he wants to throw up his hands and shout, "Alright, I get it!"

"Sir?" she nudges as he continues to laugh under his breath and marvel at how loudly the Force is speaking to him.

"Kylo," he corrects.

Kes shifts uncomfortably and he sighs. "It's nothing … I was just thinking of Rey."

"Oh …" Kes tenses.

"I won't ask about her, Kes. I won't … I won't put you in that position. Not ever again." Of course, all he wants to do is beg for every single scrap of information Kes has. Is she eating? Is she sleeping? Does she miss him half as much as he misses her?

Kes turns her head thoughtfully. "She's putting a brave face on it, but she's hurting."

His eyes go wide. But he says nothing, because all he would do is ask question after question. His hands clench from the effort. Why is she hurting? Should he go to her? Is she realizing that what he did is unforgivable? His nails dig into his palms and he's almost shaking with the need to know more.

"I mean … she misses you. She's not … she's not herself. She's trying … but, well … I'm staying with her now. She can't … she can't sleep."

Finally he breaks. "Is she eating? No … wait, I'm sorry. You don't have to answer that."

"No, it's alright. Yes, she's eating. She keeps trying to just save it for later, but after I push her a bit, she eats."

Save it for later. His eyes close in pain. She must still be keeping her little packages of food. Oh, Rey.

"Is there something you'd like me to tell her?"

His mind spins with all of the things he wants her to know. Life is colorless without her. He hopes she sees how hard he's trying to find a way with the Resistance. He needs her. He misses her too much. Every night away from her is torment. He loves her. But all he says is, "No."

A puzzled expression crosses Kes's face. "But …"

"I won't confuse her with messages from me. She has to come to terms with my actions. I won't interfere."

Kes looks at him thoughtfully for a long time. "You really are trying, aren't you? And not just with Rey."

"Yes … She deserves so much more from me, but this is all I can think to do. And I know she is but one of many I have wronged." He looks at Kes meaningfully. The regret he barely keeps from swallowing him whole claws at his throat.

"Thank you, sir," she says genuinely.

"Kylo."

Kes smiles. "Kylo."

* * *

It's been three days of fruitless talking in circles. To make matters worse, his mother has been relentless in her efforts to get him to talk to the old Jedi, while the man himself just keeps _smiling_ at him. Sometimes sadly, sometimes encouragingly. But he's not ready to talk to him. He's not sure he ever will be.

Rey had been especially lovely today. She'd worn a rich green velvet gown that accented the flair of her hips. She always wears something he's given her and her hair is always down. Watching her chestnut waves spill around her shoulders fills him with simmering jealousy. He doesn't like that other men can see her like that. It's too close to when he has her laid out before him, her hair on the pillow, framing her beautiful face.

And of course Leia and her compatriots won't budge on the senate. It's driving him to distraction because he knows they agree, fundamentally, on what they want for the people of the galaxy. He _knows_ it. He was raised on her views, for Maker's sake! He just can't get her to see that perhaps there is another way to the same end. She's so stuck on one vote, one voice. But there are too many voices. In the past, the wealthy systems were heard, while the poor languished and their senators meekly went along with their party for fear of losing their leavings.

Kylo shakes his head. As much as he'd like to wallow, he has to find his way through this stalemate. It's time to research, find an answer that will please his mother.

* * *

Today had not gone well. He'd not slept, so lost in the archives that he'd been snappish. He needs Rey. Maker, _he needs her_. He's so much better when she's with him. He's able to see and think and feel so much more clearly. He feels like he's going through his days with half his soul, and he supposes he is.

The temptation to go to her is almost physically painful at this point. Being in a room with her, day after day, seeing her across the table, always looking so gorgeous, it's stripping him of his reason. Why is she always so beautifully dressed? She hasn't worn her usual tunic and leggings once, always in one of her sumptuous gowns. She rarely speaks, just listens. When she does say something, it's always to bring them back to the matter at hand: peace.

If he could just hold her, just for a moment, he knows he'd be alright. He just needs a crumb. He's not even thinking as he's moving through his door, down the hallway. He's to her threshold when he finally realizes what he's doing. His hand is raised, about to knock when he catches himself. With the tattered remains of his self-control, he pulls from her door and stiffly walks towards his training room. Maybe he can exhaust himself enough that he can forget the constant pull. He knows it's fruitless, but he doesn't know what else to do.

* * *

He's stripped down to the waist, moving through forms, sweat pouring down his face and torso. He's been at it for hours. It's well into the early part of the next day and he's near tears from frustration. He's almost ready to give up, to drag himself to her and lay down at her feet. Kiss her delicate toes and beg her to please just let him love her. He can't remember why it mattered to him that she forgive him for his behavior or if she chooses him. As long as he can be near her, talk to her, touch her, why does it matter? He groans at the thought of touching her.

Spin, thrust. He stalks to his imaginary foe and all semblance of control is lost. He's not following the form any longer, he's just hacking at the air, trembling with frustration. Finally he bellows as he plunges his saber into the deck and he goes to his knees. He's panting with his weapon impaled into the floor next to him, hissing and spitting, his head hanging in defeat.

Suddenly, he feels _him_. That unmistakably serene Force signature that makes him want to be sick.

He doesn't even look up as he growls, "Now really isn't the time, _Uncle_."

"Oh, I think it's the perfect time."

"Leave me."

"No."

Kylo draws himself to his full height and stalks to where Luke Skywalker stands. " _Leave me_ ," he hisses.

"You and I have things that must be said."

"I will not listen to your lectures. I may have lost my way, but your path was never mine."

"Now, Ben-"

"No! I will not do this. Get out, get out, get OUT!" Kylo screams then turns his back to Luke Skywalker and purposefully strides back to his still impaled saber. He pulls it from the decking, turns it off, then clicks it to his belt. He stands with his arms crossed, refusing to turn. He hears Skywalker sigh and he thinks the old man has gotten the hint and will leave him to his misery.

Instead, he hears the telltale hum of Skywalker's perfectly constructed saber. "If you won't talk to me, perhaps you will fight me." Gone is the kindly, wise hermit that has placidly listened each day as Kylo and his mother are nearly at each other's throats. There is steel in Skywalker's tone and despite himself, the boy he once was wants to show his _uncle_ just how far he's come.

But his pride is not enough to move him and Kylo says, "I have no wish to fight you. Go."

"You've been wanting to fight me since you first wielded a training saber, Ben."

The name grates. He doesn't mind it from his mother, but somehow, Skywalker makes it sound condescending. He might as well have said 'boy'. But Kylo remains with his back to the other man, though his shoulders are tight with tension.

Luke circles him, then advances. "Defend yourself, Apprentice."

"I am _not_ your apprentice," Kylo snarls.

"I don't recall ever formally ending your training. Now defend yourself," Skywalker orders as he swings with real intent. Kylo nearly doesn't dodge it in time, a bit of his hair singed off. So that's how it's going to be then. He should have known all that light side talk was as empty as Snoke's promises. Luke is just as susceptible to rage as any fallible being.

Kylo's saber is in his hand and he lunges at Skywalker. He won't use the Force, not yet. He wants to test his skill against his _uncle_. He'd never been able to best him when sparring. Not even once. But he's been training intensely for many years and now that he's been goaded into the fight, he intends to _win_.

Kylo brings his saber down with his customary savagery and his uncle stumbles back from the force of the blow, but quickly finds his feet and parries the strike. Soon they're locked in combat, eyes intensely on each other.

Oh how he hates this man. He remembers how he'd hoped he would find acceptance with his uncle. Cast from his mother, he'd naively thought he would find safe harbor with her brother. But no, there had only been awkward disapproval at Kylo's boyish overtures. _I can't be seen to have favorites._

Kylo bares his teeth and spins, gaining momentum as he brings his blade down hard against the brilliant green of his opponent's saber. Skywalker's eyes widen as Kylo's crossguard comes dangerously close to the old Jedi's chest.

Luke catches Kylo's saber with his own and attempts to disarm him, but Kylo handily evades the trap. "You've grown in skill, Nephew."

"No thanks to you," he sneers.

"Thanks to Snoke, then?"

A howl of inarticulate rage tears from Kylo's throat. "You know _nothing_ about me. You never did. You never wanted to. Attachments, remember?" Kylo taunts. He lunges hard and fast, nearly slicing Skywalker's thigh.

"I was wrong," Luke offers as he dances away from Kylo's weapon. He moves quickly for an old man and it pushes Kylo to increase his attack.

"I don't care," Kylo hisses.

"I think you do," Luke says as he again parries Kylo's swing.

"I care just as much as you _cared_ for your sister's son," Kylo accuses.

Luke's eyes fill with pain as he backs off, merely defending himself. Kylo brings his saber down with all of his strength, their blades locked in a brilliant explosion of sparks. But Luke only just keeps Kylo from searing his flesh, never even trying to escape as Kylo's red blade inches closer to Luke's face. There are any number of tactics the old man could use, but he just holds Kylo's eyes steadily.

"Fight back. _You_ wanted this. Fight back, you coward," Kylo almost pleads. He's imagined having Luke Skywalker at his mercy for years, but not like this. Not like this.

The whole energy of the fight has changed and Skywalker is edged closer and closer to the wall of the training room. His face remains twisted in sadness.

Kylo spins away, freeing Skywalker from their deadlock. He twists and swings his blade over his head, crashing it into his uncle's. "You never even tried to know me." Thrust. "I was just one of many to you, never good enough, never patient enough, never calm enough. Never enough."

Skywalker nods as he moves out of Kylo's saber's reach, not even trying to maintain the illusion of a battle.

"Fight back!" Kylo screams.

"I know I failed you, I know I abandoned you," Luke says with a half-hearted parry.

A lifetime of anguish shudders through Kylo. So many wasted opportunities. If only someone had seen. If only someone had spoken. If only someone had cared.

Fury fills Kylo's veins. "No, you don't get to do that. Not now. Not after everything, not after-" Kylo stops himself just in time.

"After your father," Luke finishes for him.

The words explode in Kylo's heart, tearing through him with the shrapnel of what could have been if, if, _if_.

"Don't you _dare_!" Kylo yells, swinging wildly, forcing Skywalker to defend himself in earnest. Kylo is losing control and everything not bolted down begins to shake.

"Don't you dare!" he screams as the Force swirls around him. He brings his blade against Skywalker's over and over again, with no real purpose but to excise the roiling regret and rage coursing through him.

"Don't you dare," he wails, tears filling his eyes. He's not even paying attention any longer, just blindly swiping his saber like a cornered animal. He can't hear apologies. He can't let in what could have been. Everything is ashes and Kylo can't bear to revisit how he came to set the fire.

Luke keeps himself out of his range as Kylo keeps arcing his weapon through the air.

"Don't you dare," he sobs out.

"Don't you dare," Kylo shudders, his swings becoming listless and with no intent.

"Don't you dare," he whispers as he drops his saber. He falls to his knees, trembling.

He hears the hum of Luke's weapon cease but he doesn't look up. He feels his uncle come to stand next to him. He flinches and shakes off the hand placed on his shoulder. "No," he snarls.

"Alright. Alright," Luke says soothingly.

Kylo is humiliated by his tears. He furiously wipes at his face and refuses to look at the other man. He hunches over and hopes if he ignores him, Luke will just go away. Leave him to lick his wounds in peace.

"I've spoken with Rey," Luke says softly.

Kylo sniffs and doesn't even begin to know how to parse the feelings Rey's name inspires. He'd come so close to breaking, to forcing his attentions on her once again, and now the last man in the galaxy he wants to talk to apparently has knowledge of his beloved. It's not fair!

He wants to keep his back to his uncle but— almost without his permission—he turns slightly, looking at Luke out of the corner of his eye.

"She told me … about how you hurt yourself."

Bright searing pain lances across his heart. She … she shared that with Luke Skywalker? He can't quite believe she would do such a thing.

"Don't be angry with her. She's worried about you. My sister told me that you're giving her space so that she may gain some perspective, but it doesn't take a Jedi Master to see which way the wind is blowing there. That girl loves you."

"She thinks she does. But after what I did …" The words escape, leaving him frustrated he gave his uncle anything.

"She's stronger than that. I don't think anyone could have taken her heart without her consent."

"Hmm." He's still very confused about how he feels now. Now that Rey has shared something so private.

"She told me because she didn't want to worry your mother, didn't want your subordinates to know, but she was almost sick with fear that you were cutting yourself."

He finally looks his uncle in the eye. "Why?" He may have no wish to talk with this man, but he long ago accepted he has no pride when it comes to Rey.

"Because you've not spoken with her in a week and haven't pushed against the Bond once. Apparently that's very unlike you. She's terrified that you're cutting yourself instead. Are you?" he asks bluntly.

"No." Kylo's tone is low and final.

Luke doesn't take the hint. "She said you started when you were 11."

Kylo only nods.

His uncle sits back on his heels and lets out a slow breath. "I'm sorry."

He blinks, not sure he's heard correctly. "For what?" Kylo murmurs.

"For distancing myself from you as a child, for not trusting your judgement as an adult, for keeping the truth about our family from you … for not protecting you from Snoke."

Kylo is stunned by this simple list that somehow encapsulates all of his anger and hurt. All but the last item. "How could you have protected me? I never told you or Mother about Snoke." He still hasn't really admitted what happened, not to either of them. He's too disgusted with himself.

Luke sighs. "We knew Snoke was watching you, monitoring you through the Force. We think he started when you were in your mother's womb."

"What?" Kylo whispers, true horror taking root.

"We thought … we thought if we just kept him away from you … but clearly he found a way to you despite our efforts."

Their _efforts_. Kylo snorts. They baited the trap themselves. "Oh, Uncle … you have no idea what your deceit has wrought. Do you know how he managed it?" he asks, his voice dripping with contempt.

"I've never known."

"He made me think he was my _grandfather_ speaking to me. I was so angry and lost, desperate to understand what it meant that _Darth Vader_ was my grandfather … all he had to do was weave a pretty little fantasy and I ate it up like air-cake. He spoon fed me his lies and I begged for more. If you or Mother had only told me about Darth Vader, told me about Snoke … I … I never … I never ..." Kylo's voice shakes as he sees so _clearly_ how he never would have become this monster.

With each new revelation about his life before Snoke, each moment where if _anyone_ in his family had just trusted him, talked to him, _believed_ in him, none of this would have happened. Force, it hurts.

"Oh Ben …" Luke's eyes swim with regret and sadness and it's too much.

"I can't … I can't do this." Kylo stands swiftly and strides towards the training room door.

"Ben, wait, please, wait," Luke entreats.

"I can't, I can't, _I can't_ ," Kylo says desperately as he flings himself from the room.

He stumbles down the corridors, back to his quarters. Once through his door, he drags himself to the darkest corner of his sitting room, wraps his arms around his knees and starts to rock back and forth. He can't stop shaking. He mourns. He mourns for the boy he was, the man he wishes he could be.

He never wanted to be like this. He had been so sure that every atrocity would be balanced tenfold, a _hundredfold_ by a peaceful, orderly galaxy where no girls were sold to flesh peddlers and no fathers dropped dead before they were 40, worked to death.

If he'd never gone to Snoke … he knows the Force would have led him to Rey. He would have found her on Jakku, been kind and gentle. She would have seen him, known him, _chosen_ him. He wouldn't be this twisted thing with hands so tainted he doesn't deserve to touch her. This different path is blinding in its beauty and he wants it so badly he's suffocating on his anguish that it can never be. It's too late.

Oh Maker … he's drowning in the blood of his victims and choking on his remorse. He sits in the dark on his floor, staring at nothing but the graphic memories playing in his brain.

Too late, too late, too late.

Rey ...

* * *

A/N: Thank you so much to my brilliant team of betas, Juulna and CharlotteCAgain. In the midst of busy lives they both make time for my chapters and I can never properly express my gratitude.

Thank you readers! I'm so, so sorry it's been such a long time since I posted a chapter. It's the longest I've ever gone without writing since I first started writing fic. I'm also very sorry I'm behind on responding to reviews. I absolutely adore them and really enjoy writing back. I'm looking forward to responding to everyone and hope to be current by the end of the weekend.

Everyone has been so supportive during a challenging time in my life and you truly helped me get through it. Thank you, Reylo fam.


	64. Chapter 64

Numb. He's completely numb. His encounter with Luke Skywalker has ripped him to shreds and left him a husk. He doesn't have anything else to feed its gnashing teeth. He feels nothing, nothing but the wound that is Rey's absence. That is a pain that never quiets.

Kylo knows he should drag himself to his bed. His cold, lonely bed. But all of him is too exhausted to move. His body, his mind, his _soul_ are all too tired and shattered to do anything other than curl up on his floor and fall into unconsciousness.

* * *

Slender arms come around him and her scent fills his nostrils. Fantasy? Dream? He doesn't care, because he can almost pretend she's holding him. She's warm and strong and he feels himself healing.

Then the Bond opens and her light wraps around him as surely as her body. His eyes fly open as he realizes she's really here. Oh Maker, Rey is _here_.

He should make her leave. This isn't right, but he's just so broken down ... Without thinking about it, he rolls over and pulls her to his chest, tangling his legs with hers. Oh … he feels like his heart has started to beat again. Everything has been out of sync, jagged, wrong. But now his skin almost hums with pleasure and he's brimming with warmth.

He needs to touch as much of her as he can. He'd never bothered to put on his tunic after his disastrous confrontation with Luke Skywalker and her nightgown is light, the heat of her skin chasing away the bitter cold of missing her. He kneads his fingers into her back and buries his face in her hair. Calm suffuses him as he breathes her in. She nestles into his embrace and a small sigh escapes her.

He looks down into her perfect face and finds her chin tilted towards him, her beloved eyes open and full of love. So much love. She blinks slowly and cups his cheek with her gentle fingers. His eyes roam over her face, starving for every detail. Her delicate brows and fine cheekbones. The smattering of freckles along the bridge of her nose. And her lips, oh her lips beckon to be kissed, but he needs to look at her more than anything else. She's here ...

He sees her every day, but somehow, looking into her eyes, it's like he can only ever truly see her when they're like this. Close. Connected. Fulfilled. Yes, that's it. He is _whole_. They fall into each other's eyes and soon they're breathing in tandem. The Bond purrs with completion.

Kylo shudders, the bliss, the _relief_ almost too much and he opens his mouth to speak but she hushes him with her fingertips.

"Sleep," whispers in his head and he hasn't the strength to argue. He's drunk on her, she's the blood in his veins and the oxygen in his lungs.

On his sitting room floor he holds her as close as he can as the Bond sings them to sleep.

* * *

The Bond flows through him for what remains of the night, soothing his tattered edges, knitting him back together. He wakes slowly, awareness coming in layers.

He sighs, her glorious light infusing him with its beguiling power. He trails his fingers along her bare arm, feeling each point of connection. His soul is gulping down her light like a man lost in the sands of Jakku. He feels as if he could drink from her fountain forever and never quench his thirst. His body is alight with the sensation of home and the never-ending need for more.

She's still asleep so he allows himself to gorge on the feeling of her warm, precious body clasped so close to him. He'd not allowed even an inch between them as they'd slept. He's so selfish. He should wake her, relieve her of the burden of him. But he … he … he _can't._

He's floating in the endless oceans of Rey when she begins to stir. As she reaches awareness, he does too. Unable to push away that he never should have let this happen, he's filled with shame. He's been so needy that he'd thoughtlessly taken everything she offers simply by being near.

Her lovely hazel eyes open and he murmurs, "I'm sorry."

She blinks in confusion. Then fear tinges her sleepy, affectionate expression. "Wh-why are you sorry? Did you … did you _do_ something?"

She's pulling from him and he lets her. Of course she'd think he'd done something heinous. He stares at the ceiling bleakly.

"No. I didn't do anything."

"Oh. Then why are you apologizing?" Her bearing softens and she crosses the distance with her hand, lacing their fingers together. Just the touch of her hand forces him to suppress a moan.

"For whatever leaked through the Bond. I know you came to comfort me." At least she hadn't found him holding himself like a little boy.

She shakes her head and her brow wrinkles. "No, I came becau- wait, what happened?"

He peers at her, his turn to be confused. "You didn't come because you felt you had to take care of me?"

She shakes her head again. "No … I … I …" She looks away and if he had to guess, he'd say she seems … embarrassed?

His fingers tighten around hers in concern. "Rey, love, what is it?"

Her face scrunches up in that way that makes his heart melt and he's drawing her back to his side without thinking about it. He holds her face with one large hand and gently runs his thumb along her lower lip. She closes her eyes and pulls herself as close to him as she can, but she still doesn't speak.

"Sweetheart, please tell me."

She splays her fingers along his naked chest, stroking his skin. It makes it hard for him to focus. Finally, she whispers, "I've been having nightmares." She looks up briefly, then away again. "I can't … I can't make them stop. Only you make them stop. I couldn't take it any longer." Her voice is impossibly small when she asks, "Are you mad?"

"What? No, of course not." How could he be mad at her for needing him? Maker knows he needs her beyond all reason and propriety.

"I know we need time apart. I know it. But … it's like once I knew what it felt like to be safe … without you next to me at night I … I've never felt so alone."

"Kes told me she's been staying with you."

She nods but doesn't say anything.

"Does it help?" he prompts.

"A little. Maybe. It doesn't really keep the nightmares away, but it's nice not to be alone when they wake me up."

She seems so small, curled into his side. He wants nothing more than to guard her sleep for the rest of their lives.

"Tell me about your nightmares," he coaxes, running his hand through her hair.

He feels her shrug. "They're like they always were. The day they left me. But … I'm not a child and instead of them ... it's you …. you leaving me."

Swiftly he seeks her eyes and holds them intensely as he fervently vows, "Never, I promise. I will _never_ abandon you."

Those complex hazel eyes fill with hope and then fear. "I … I want to believe you … but …"

"What, what is it?"

"It's … it's seemed so easy for you for us to be apart. Like a switch."

His brows hit his hairline as he gasps out, "What?"

"You barely look at me. You haven't once pushed at the Bond ..." she trails off forlornly.

"Oh, sweetheart …" He pulls her as close as he can and holds his lips to her forehead, murmuring against her skin, "It's all an act. You'd know that if the Bond was open. I spend most of these damned talks forcing myself not to stare at you. Which, by the way, you make very difficult with your hair down and your beautiful gowns." He growls out the last bit, unable to hide his feelings.

"That was sort of the point," she says sheepishly.

"What do you mean?"

"I … I _wanted_ you to look at me. I know you like my hair down and when I wear the gowns you had made for me. I was … I was trying to look beautiful. For you."

Oh. Oh! It wasn't to do with Finn? It was for him? She's been making herself look positively edible for _him_? "Really?" he croaks out.

"Of course … who else would I be dressing for?"

"I thought … I thought perhaps for … Finn."

She sits up quickly, her eyes looking almost hurt. "Why would you think that? What have I ever said that would make you think I wanted Finn like that?"

"I don't know! Why would you think I wasn't completely falling apart without you!" he throws back.

"Because you don't even talk to me!"

"I'm giving you space! I don't … I don't deserve to talk to you."

"Of course you do. We're in the same room for hours a day and you avoid me like I have some sort of _disease_." Her voice rises.

"If I don't keep my distance I'd likely throw you down on the table and ravish you right there!" he snarls, hopelessly confused.

"Well maybe you should!" she spits and before he knows what's happening, she launches herself at him and kisses him so hard it hurts. Oh, but it is a pain he would welcome every day. He tangles his fingers in her hair and pushes her down to the floor with his other hand. He can't think any longer, he just needs her, all of her, every single part of her. Her mouth, her hands, her breasts, her welcoming sex, all of it. His, all of her is his and he can't remember why he shouldn't remind her that they belong to each other. Soon he has her pressed flat on her back on his floor and he plunges his tongue into her mouth.

Her legs wrap around his waist and she grinds against him, her nightgown riding up past her hips; he's losing his ability to form coherent thoughts. Somewhere, he knows he should stop this, but she's so hot against his throbbing, desperate cock. Her fingers free him quickly from his trousers while he tries to push down the sheer silk keeping him from her dripping center. He growls in frustration and rips the offending fabric away. She keens in need. "Yes, please," she moans between bruising kisses.

Force, she's so wet. There's no thinking as he positions himself at her entrance and takes her with one swift thrust. Maker, oh Maker, he's groaning and panting and she feels so good, so exceptionally good. He feels every inch as he pushes into her, holy hell, how can he manage without her? He's addicted to her tight heat. Need is too small a word. He can't survive without her walls pulsing around him. "Rey, Rey, Rey," he howls, using every ounce of control he has to keep from painting her with his pleasure.

Rey throws her head back and screams his name. Oh Maker, Force, stars, oh, oh, oh. She's so tight and she clenches around him, nearly pushing him out before he's begun. He holds her by the hips and plunges into her over and over again with sounds more animal than human.

She holds him hard by the hair and pulls him back. He tries to free himself, but she growls no as her sharp little teeth sink into the meat between his shoulder and his neck. The pain is glorious, snapping along every nerve ending as he cants his hips to thrust into her all the harder. He wants to slam into her so hard he pushes her into the deck below. She takes it, all of him, she takes it. She's howling, almost sobbing and he sucks at her neck, needing to taste, consume, devour.

Her nails claw along his back and the sweet sting of the pain makes him pummel into her all the faster. He wants to claim every single last cell in her body. He wants to make her scream, beg, sing out her pleasure.

Kylo grasps one of her legs and pushes it back roughly, making more room for his aching cock.

"Force, yes, oh Kylo, yes," she sobs.

"You like this? You like when I make you mine?"

Then her eyes gleam and before he really knows what's happened she's used the Force and he's on his back, arching into her, trying to maintain the rhythm.

But now he's frozen, the only part of him free of her hold is his hips and his throbbing, red, weeping erection.

She snarls, "I like it when I make you _mine_."

Rey pulls herself up and hovers, holding just his head in her deep, tight perfection. He's begging and moaning, "Please, Rey, Maker, please."

"No," she intones.

His eyes find hers and they're hard. He tries to push into her, but she pulls back at the hair at the nape of his neck.

"No," she repeats.

Shallowly, he moves into her, but she keeps him from thrusting home, just out of reach.

"Please, Rey, oh Maker, please," he begs.

"No," she says with annoyance.

"Anything, I'll give you anything, just please, Force, please Rey, let me make love to you," he whines.

"Mine," she purrs.

"What?"

"You're mine."

"Yes, of course, yes."

"This is the only home you know, the only one you want?" she demands as she slides down his length.

His eyes roll back in his head as he's finally seated within her again, "Yes, oh Maker, yes!"

"You only want me, you belong only to me," she orders.

His expression clouds. Of course he only wants her. Of course he's only hers. Then he looks at her face and sees the desperation in her eyes. Oh. Oh … this is about … before. She still doesn't understand.

"You're the only one I could want," he groans as she takes him particularly deep.

"G-g-good," she pants out as she starts to climb towards the precipice.

She releases him from her hold and he grasps her hips to pull her down onto him. "Listen to me, Rey."

He circles her clit with his free hand, the other urging her to continue to ride him. "Hmmmm?" she moans, her eyes closing as she meets his every thrust.

"Look at me," he entreats. She doesn't, too focused on seeking her release. He pulls back his hand from her demanding clit and her eyes fly to his.

"Yes, look at me." Now she's finally seeing him and the Bond is open, so open. He gathers everything he feels when he's with her like this and pushes it towards her. How safe, how seen, how wanted, how clean, how loved she makes him feel when she allows him into her body. Her eyes widen and her mouth drops open.

She convulses around him, and her eyes grow even larger. "Kylo, I'm, I'm-oh Maker, _Kylo_!" she pants as his devotion pushes her unexpectedly over the edge.

He continues to flood the Bond with everything she is to him, how total his love for her is, how she sets him on fire and soothes him in the same breath.

Her hips continue to thrust against him as the last wave of her passion recedes. She slows her movements, blinking down on him in wonder. He reaches for her face and draws her down, her torso laying across his. He holds her face with one hand and keeps her pressed close with the other. Her eyes never leave his and her breathing is beginning to calm.

Gently, he continues to move within her, his hips rolling in a long, slow rhythm. "This, Rey … this is only yours. This has only ever been yours. I'm yours, sweetheart. I'm yours. Nothing can take me from you, nothing can tempt me from your side. I'm yours."

Rey's eyes glimmer with tears as she nods. Carefully, reverently, he shifts them so she's again on her back as he continues to make such sweet love to her. Gone is the desperate, feral need. He just needs to be as close to her as he can. He goes down on his elbows and with each thrust he feels her perfect breasts skim along his chest. He groans when her legs go around his waist and she begins to pull him into her, urging him deeper with each pass. There's something about the way she's wrapped around him, as if all of her is holding him, that makes him shudder with the intensity of it all.

He leans down and kisses her deeply as he buries himself in her. He rocks within her and, as he's pushing back inside, he whispers, "Yours."

His orgasm is building, he can feel it throughout his body, as if each point on his skin and in his heart is gathering to that blissful end. Each stroke within her quivering walls pulls him ever closer.

She never takes her eyes from him. Their noses are inches apart, each holding the other's face with worshiping fingers. They both tremble as they move together, the Bond flowing through them, the rich counterpoint to the transcendent melody singing in their blood.

"Yours," he croons with another deep thrust. The heat is coalescing in his belly and he groans. What this woman does to him, he can't fathom the pleasure she pulls from his core.

"Mine?" she asks hopefully as she pulls him into her again and he feels her begin to pulse around him for the second time.

"Oh, my darling, I've always been yours," he promises in a low voice.

Then the time for words has passed and they hold each other's gaze, moving together. He breathes in her breaths and she begins to whimper. Sensation has blended and he's not sure who crests first, but soon he's moaning deep in his throat as he comes long and slow, each of the contractions of her walls pulling another rope of his release from him. He didn't know the waves of pleasure could last so long.

Spent, he leans his forehead against hers then pulls back slightly so that he may see her eyes. They're glowing and sated.

Through the Bond he sends, "Yours," as he moves a tendril of her hair behind her ear.

She smiles the purest, most joyful smile he's ever seen.

* * *

A/N: Thank you to my wonderful betas! I'm so lucky to have both Juulna and CharlotteCAgain on my team! I'm absolutely blessed.

Thank you readers! You are so patient and kind. I'm leaving for Ireland on Saturday, so there likely won't be anything new until August. Thank you so much for every read, follow, favorite, and review!


	65. Chapter 65

He realizes he's just made love to her on his floor of all places and he untangles himself from her swiftly. She whimpers in protest as he pulls her to her feet, leading her to his bedroom. He feels foolish for not taking her there earlier, but the confrontation with Luke had left him so overwhelmed and addled.

Once he has her warm and comfortable, both of them wrapped around each other under the covers, he shifts to look at her.

He finds her eyes sated and heavy. It's still quite early, enough time to get some proper sleep.

"Rest," he whispers against her temple.

She yawns and smiles a bit sheepishly. She settles into his embrace and nods against his chest. He rubs his cheek against her hair and lets himself drift away, soothed by the much-missed comfort of Rey.

* * *

He wakes to an empty bed and for a moment he wonders if he's finally lost his grasp on reality. But no, her side of the bed is still warm, she'd truly been here.

He flops onto his back and stares up at the ceiling, not really sure what he's feeling. He's confused, but that's nothing new. He'd hoped that her coming to him last night had … meant something. She'd been so possessive, so passionate, so desperate to know that he still wanted her, that he was still only hers. He thought … well, clearly he can't really expect anything any longer.

It's tempting to fall into fear and self-pity. But he knows if he dwells on this, on her coming to him then running away, he'll just spiral. He's so tired of his feelings overwhelming him and he decides that this time … this time he's not going to let it happen. He's going to just let it be. She will choose him or she won't. He will have her by his side as he'd always dreamed or he will have to face a life of only having the brief contact the Bond demands. He doesn't know, he _can't_ know how it will all unfold and he's going to drive himself insane if he keeps trying to anticipate and control. This isn't a battle. He can't really do anything to protect his heart. He just has to stand back and allow Rey to make her choices.

He's allowed himself to focus far too much on missing Rey and not on the matter at hand. There's a real opportunity here to mend the galaxy, to build instead of destroy. Somehow, what began as atonement for his treatment of Rey and his crimes has become important to him for the possibilities it represents. He can see peace and he wants it, badly. It's been over a week of squabbling with no real forward momentum and he decides that stops today. He vaults from bed and begins to get ready for the day.

It only hurts a little bit when he catches her scent on his sheets.

* * *

"Mother, please, we have to make some headway here. We aren't getting anywhere and we can't if you won't step back and focus on what you truly want instead of the governmental structure."

"I will not give up the senate!" she says fervently over her breakfast. He'd invited her to join him before the talks resumed. He'd hoped they could work out at least the beginnings of a plan.

"I will never be able to make that work for the First Order generals. They remember how the Imperial Senate was used as a seat to grow dissent. Besides, you _know_ how corrupt it becomes."

"I agree it's not ideal, but what other choice do we have? How else are the people to be represented?"

"Perhaps through true choice," he muses, remembering his many conversations with Rey.

"That's what democracy is, Son," she says condescendingly.

"Well … not precisely. Not as you've practiced it. It's the illusion of choice, of voice, but it's just another way that power stays at the top."

"Listening to you worry about centralized power is almost humorous."

He purses his lips. "You've never understood the First Order. Certainly not the way it is now."

"Oh, I understand it perfectly, Imperial wannabes with bigger guns."

Kylo slams his fist down on the table and shouts, "No!" Then he reins in his temper and breathes in deeply. "You're right that Snoke was as corrupt as they come, but the vision he sold was a good one. He just had no real intention of making good on any of it. However, enough of the generals are true believers, second sons passed over by an incompetent older sibling, brilliant daughters from antiquated planets. They want a meritocracy. No more nepotism, they want the talented to excel regardless of birth. The old power structures simply have to go."

"Tell me more about what you meant about choice." Leia sits back in her chair and looks at him pensively.

"I've been thinking about choice a great deal since Rey … since I captured her." He looks away in shame. He sighs before continuing, "She is fond of pointing out that the First Order does not give people a choice, we come in and decide for them. Something I'm still not sure I disagree with." Leia scoffs, but he pointedly ignores her and continues. " _However_ , she once told me that people would choose First Order governance if given the opportunity."

"You think they would just decide to be subjugated?"

"No, not subjugated, _join_ based on our principles. We reject family-held wealth, any one person with too much power."

"Other than the First Order."

"Well what if that were to change? What if we drew up a charter and gave each current First Order planet the right to choose to continue to participate? You would strongly encourage Resistance planets to join, of course, to show good faith. But it would be something we created together. No slavery. Means of production held by this new coalition. Free education, health care … just think about it."

"No more conquest?" she asks keenly, leaning forward.

He feels a bit of his dreams die as he realizes how long this method will take. He won't see peace in his lifetime. Worlds will go to war to join this new coalition and that means more suffering. His jaw tightens, but he says, "No more conquest."

Leia cocks her head and asks, "And the stormtroopers?"

"I'm going to ask … Finn to meet with me shortly, hear his ideas."

Leia's eyes widen. "I am surprised. You'd meet with him, alone?"

"I thought I might ask Kes to be involved." He's fairly certain he'll need a witness to keep him in check.

Leia smirks. "That might make it a bit less productive."

"How so?" Kes is always efficient.

"They've grown … close," she says meaningfully.

Kylo sits back in his chair. Then he recalls how Rey's friendship with Kes began. Another sign that Kes was exceptional, she really shouldn't have had such feelings about a fellow trooper. But now … this is quite advantageous. No need to worry about Finn usurping his place if he's focused on another.

"I see …"

His mother looks at him pointedly. "You won't interfere?"

"No, of course not. I'd like to see Kes … happy."

"And Finn taken, I'm sure," Leia says knowingly.

"That had occurred to me," he smirks.

Leia rolls her eyes. "It's nearly time for the talks to begin again and I have something I need to do first."

"Will you think about it? Instead of a senate as the ruling body, a coalition of planets. A strong ruling center, but each planet is free to leave at any time. We would leave the governance to them."

"And what would this strong ruling body look like?" she asks skeptically.

"One step at a time. Talk to your people."

"You think you can get your generals to agree to this?"

"As long as it's not just more of the same, I do. I think they'll accept that. They truly just want the galaxy to be a better, safer place. Enough of us have seen the error of some of our methods. I'm sure the stormtroopers are on our side, and they make up the vast majority of our forces."

"And what will you do without those forces?"

"That's something I intend to discuss with Finn."

* * *

He watches from the hallway outside the conference room. When he sees Rey coming, he times his arrival at the doorway so that they're standing outside at the same moment. She's so beautiful. Her hair is piled high on her head in one of his mother's favored styles. No wonder his mother had been so hurried to leave breakfast.

As if he needed further encouragement. She's in pure white and her gown begs to be touched. It clings to every curve, every beautiful valley. Her breasts jut out almost proudly. Jealousy and lust stir within him in equal measure. She looks like an empress. His empress.

He admires her boldly. If she thought he'd continue to hide his interest after she rode him so wantonly, well she'll just have to accept this particular consequence. She looks up and he catches her eyes. He obviously sweeps his gaze over her body then inclines his head.

Her flush starts at her checks but moves down her chest and blooms across the tops of her exquisite décolletage. He desperately wants to bury his face between her perfect breasts, kiss his way up her neck until he reaches those sweet lips … but instead he simply rumbles, "Good morning, Rey."

She looks away and fiddles with her dress. "Good morning."

"I trust you slept well?" he asks with an arched brow.

Her eyes swiftly return to his and he sees guilt flash in their depths. Her hand raises slightly, but she lets it fall. "I … I did, yes," she breathes out. Somehow they've moved quite close and he's wondering if he might be able to get away with brushing his fingers along her cheek when Finn walks up, frowning.

"Is he bothering you?" Finn asks with hostility.

"No! No … he's not bothering me," she says quickly, jumping back from Kylo.

"Uh huh, well, we're about to start, so let's go take our seats," Finn says, taking Rey by the elbow. She frowns but starts to move with Finn.

Kylo almost growls at the presumption, touching her so freely. But then he remembers that he needs Finn's insight and support if he's ever going to get anywhere with his mother.

"Before you go …" Kylo offers hesitantly.

Startled, Finn turns back to face Kylo. "What?"

"I was hoping that you would be willing to discuss your time as a stormtrooper. Kes and I-"

Finn's eyes brighten for a moment. "Kes?"

"Yes, Kes has been helping me make changes for the stormtroopers, but it's not enough, I want to take it further. I had hoped you would be willing to share your experiences."

"You want _me_ to help _you_?" Finn asks with simmering fury.

"Not me. The stormtroopers. Kes. I thought she could join us. Perhaps after the talks today?" Kylo is having to dig deeply into long forgotten manners that were once second nature to a senator's son.

Finn has a mulish expression on his face when he says, "I'll think about it. You'll have an answer this afternoon."

"Fine," Kylo says tightly. He's not used to people telling him 'No' other than Rey and he doesn't like it.

* * *

It's the evening after somewhat more civil talks. His mother had been more agreeable to listen to what he was actually saying after Finn had agreed to this little meeting. Now he's waiting for his ... dinner guests to arrive. There's a smaller dining room off of the officer's mess used for events such as these, so at least he doesn't have to invite Finn to his quarters.

He stands with his hands clasped behind his back, watching the stars when he senses someone approach. He turns and finds Finn glaring at him.

"Thank you for joining me," Kylo says placidly.

"I'm not here for you."

"No, I would imagine not." Kylo inspects his fingernails before looking Finn right in the eyes. "However, I do have significant power over your former … comrades."

"Slaves, you mean." Finn's lip curls in contempt.

Kylo shrugs. "I'd like to think that I've earned a bit of true loyalty since I became Supreme Leader, but time will tell."

"Like anyone would ever be loyal to _you_ ," Finn fumes.

"Rey is," Kes says as she enters the room. She's wearing a lovely green gown and Finn's eyes widen.

Kylo blinks a bit, his ire calming. Kes thinks Rey is still loyal to him?

"That's only because he's brainwashed her," Finn dismisses.

Kes frowns. "No, that's not true. Rey loves him. You don't know Finn, you haven't been here, you haven't seen. The Supreme Leader is not the man you think he is."

Kylo doesn't say anything, rather taken aback by Kes's quiet defense of him. Finn's eyes narrow.

"I know what kind of man he used to be. I can't believe he's changed so much."

"Well, he's done more for the stormtroopers over the last three months than anyone had in the previous decade. Or more!" Kes seems to be getting genuinely upset and Kylo doesn't like it.

"Let's not get sidetracked. I've asked you both here so that we may discuss how to best move the stormtrooper program forward towards true freedom. Until Rey … meeting Kes, I didn't see just how abhorrent the stormtrooper program really is and now that I do, I mean to change it. Dismantle it."

Finn's mouth falls open. "You'd just let your upperhand go?"

"My hope is that we can find a way to create peace and prosperity as well as right many of the First Order's wrongs. Please, sit. Let's talk."

Finn stiffly holds Kes's chair for her then takes his own seat. "Fine. We'll talk. But I don't have any expectations that anything good will come of this."

"We'll see," Kylo says softly.

* * *

Dinner had been tense. Finn and Kes had recounted many painful stories and Kylo is acutely feeling the shame that is his constant companion. Childhoods filled with terror and very little joy. Clandestine friendships. How you cannot truly snuff out humanity. He listened. He knew no words he could offer would be of any use.

Now they're sharing a bottle of Corellian brandy. Kes stifles a yawn and Finn puts his hand on her lower back. "You're tired. You should get some sleep." His eyes are soft with affection.

"You're not coming?" Kes asks hopefully.

"No … there are some things I need to talk to Ren about."

Finn holds Kylo's eyes while Kes leaves and Kylo is quite certain he's about to get a lecture about hurting Rey. As if he would ever.

"You've surprised me," Finn begins.

"Hmmm."

"The Ren I saw in battle, the stories I heard … yet, on Jakku you knew I didn't fire my weapon yet you said nothing. Why?"

"It was unnecessary to my mission."

"But surely, you as a commander in the First Order would have been tasked with keeping discipline enforced."

"That was Hux and Phasma's department," he eludes. Kylo doesn't want to examine this too closely. He knows what it was. It was mercy. It was the light. Rey was coming for him.

"I'd never seen you spare anyone before," Finn pushes.

"Yes, well, perhaps you weren't worth the bother," Kylo snaps.

"I think it's something more. I think you were already doubting the First Order. I think the light was already speaking to you."

"What do you know of the light and the dark side of the Force?" Kylo asks with contempt.

"Quite a bit. I spent a long time researching once you took Rey. I wanted to understand what she was facing. And after all those hours, all I can conclude is that you had a moment of … compassion. You knew what it was to not want to kill innocents. Not enough for you to not order it, no, but enough for you to forgive the fact that I just … couldn't."

Kylo's jaw tightens. He's right of course. But Kylo has no wish to admit that. He just looks at Finn stonily.

Finn sighs and sits back in his chair. "Fine. Whatever. That's not what I really wanted to talk about anyway."

"You want to talk about my treatment of Rey," Kylo sneers.

"Yeah, I do. You stole her from the only family she's ever known. I've seen her quarters, I know you've kept her wrapped in luxury. But … caging Rey like that …"

"Is an abomination. I know," Kylo says softly.

"You do?" Finn asks in shock.

"Yes, I do. I had an … epiphany. I saw … I saw what I was doing to her. I've attempted to keep away since then. Give her the space to decide what she wants."

"Well she still wants you," Finn grumbles.

"Maybe. It's not even been two weeks yet. I will give her time. I don't … I don't want to manipulate her."

"I thought you'd do anything to have her?" Finn asks.

"That was before."

"Before what?"

"Before I understood how blind I've been." Kylo refuses to explain to a stormtrooper about how he was manipulated so effectively.

Finn turns his head to the side. "You'll really let her choose?"

"Yes," Kylo grinds out.

Finn keeps looking at him, as if he's trying to fathom some deep truth. "In the forest. On Starkiller. You nearly killed me."

"I did."

"I used to think it was just because you're evil. But that wasn't it at all, was it?"

"No," Kylo says lowly, remembering the possessive fury that had pulsed through him at the sight of the traitor's hands all over Rey.

"It was because of her. Because of Rey."

"Yes," he confirms.

"Even then you …" Finn trails off.

"Even then."

"Huh." Finn sits back in his chair and finishes his drink. He refills it and catches Kylo's eyes. Kylo nods and Finn refills his as well.

Silence descends while they sip their brandy. Finally, Kylo is compelled to speak. "For what it's worth … I'm … relieved I didn't kill you."

"Oh really?" Finn asks skeptically.

"Yes … it would have pained Rey … and Kes."

Finn looks away at the mention of Kes. Kylo smirks into his drink. "It's like that, is it?" Kylo prods.

Finn shrugs. "Maybe. I don't know."

"Kes is an exemplary woman. You could not do better."

"See, there, that, I don't get that."

Kylo raises his eyebrows but doesn't speak. Finn huffs. "I mean, I remember how you treated stormtroopers. Beneath your contempt. But then you elevate one to a position of power, listen to her as one of your advisors … I just don't know how to make sense out of what I've seen with my own eyes and what people are telling me."

"A man will do anything for love."

"Is that truly it? You fell in love and became a whole new man?"

Kylo is tempted to just say 'yes' but he knows it's not really true. It was everything that's happened. His choices, Rey's choices, revelations from his past, reconciling with his mother. It's all of it. But he supposed Rey was the catalyst. He settles on, "Rey forces me to truly look at things, she won't allow me to hide in justifications."

Finn snorts. "Well, she certainly doesn't put up with any bantha shit, that's for sure."

"No … she doesn't."

They lapse into silence. Finn again refills their drinks and they watch the stars.

After a long moment Finn huffs a short laugh and shakes his head. Kylo looks at him with a raised brow.

"Something else you wish to say?"

"Just thinking how I would have reacted if I knew a year ago that someday I'd be sitting with _Kylo Ren_ , sharing a bottle of brandy."

Kylo smirks. "Yes, well, imagine my horror if you'd told me I'd be having dinner with _stormtroopers_."

Finn rolls his eyes and then looks pensive. "Rey changed everything, didn't she?"

Kylo smiles softly. "Yes … she did."

* * *

A/N: Thank you so much to my marvelous betas, CharlotteCAgain and Juulna. It's so wonderful to have you both on my team. You each see different things and it's absolutely improved my writing. 3

Thank you readers! I'm sorry it's been a month since the last update. My trip to the Ireland and England really took it out of me. All hopes of writing on the trip were dashed pretty quickly. I'm mostly recovered and plan to resume my usual Monday update schedule. I have nothing on the horizon that should interfere with that, knock on wood.

I've so appreciated the notes and asks on tumblr during my absence, letting me know you are still interested in this story. They all warmed my heart. You're all such special, wonderful people and I adore you all.


	66. Chapter 66

"Explain to me why I should concede to _anything_ ," Kylo says testily, frustrated with his mother. He thought they'd made headway, but now she's going on about war crimes tribunals and someone being held accountable for the destruction of the Hosnian system. They start each day with breakfast together, now. They have been making real progress but this is a new snag.

"Because our forces are far larger than you believe," she says after a long pause.

"What?" he asks in shock.

Leia sighs. "I'm giving up the element of surprise here because I think you deserve the facts. You need to know what you're really facing."

"Go on," Kylo says warily.

"The majority of our fleet and fighting personnel went into hiding when you became Supreme Leader. We knew you'd never stop until you had Rey but we didn't want to make everyone vulnerable. I couldn't justify risking the entire Resistance for one girl, no matter how much I love her. She knew. She agreed. Honestly it was difficult to keep her from just going to you to make it stop."

"So you're saying …"

"We have around four times the armada that you think we do."

Kylo sits back in his chair, blinking. This … this changes everything. In a pitched battle the First Order might _lose_. And Rey _knew_ … this whole time. But of course she wouldn't have said something … she always made it perfectly plain that she would never help the First Order. Still … he doesn't like how it feels that she kept something from him; he realizes how it must have felt to her when he'd purposefully hidden things from her. He closes his eyes briefly. Will he ever stop failing her?

"How, how did you manage to build such a sizable fleet?" he asks shakily.

She pauses to refill her caf, then explains, "After _Starkiller_ people were terrified of the First Order but unwilling to go against you publicly. Look what happened to the New Republic? So instead I, _we_ created secret alliances throughout the galaxy then when we went into hiding. After we so decisively won our last battle … more and more came. Once Luke joined us and Terin's part was revealed … well, it became even easier."

"Then why even play at diplomacy? Why give up this advantage?" He's not quite sure why he's feeling lied to, the tactics are sound.

Her shoulders stoop and she suddenly seems much older. "Because we're _tired_. And I know that we would have to eliminate all of the First Order to truly succeed. That's how we ended up with the First Order in the first place. We didn't eradicate the Empire. I don't want that amount of blood on my hands. I'm ready to work with you. _We're_ ready to work with you." Her warm, brown eyes grow intense.

He realizes he's tired too. Rey has pulled the desire for war right out of him. He's been wanting to suggest something. A compromise he hopes will tempt her. Tempt _them_. "Local senates. Smaller governing bodies. We would partition the galaxy into sectors, I suggest thirteen. And each will elect a representative. That will be the ruling body. Will that satisfy your need for _representation_?" he asks, not able to keep from sneering on the last word.

Leia strokes her chin, looking at him pensively. Eventually she says, "Yes. That I can work with."

"And no tribunals?"

She purses her lips, thinking hard. She toys with her cup of caf. "Fine. No tribunals. On _either_ side." She raises her eyebrows and he nods his acceptance. "But General Hux can't be the face of the First Order, not anymore."

Kylo snorts. "Apparently after that footage from Eshara he's keen to have me play that role." And the Lady Rey, but he won't share that.

"I'll take it to my people," she agrees.

"And I shall go to mine."

They hold each other's eyes for a long time.

* * *

"Do you really intend to give First Order planets the option to _leave_?" Hux asks incredulously.

Kylo sighs and rubs his eyes with his gloved hands. "Yes, Hux, I really did mean that."

"But … after everything we've done to secure our holdings, all the lost resources … to just … let them _go_ ," he sputters.

"We have to make some concessions. It was this or a senate. Besides, I'm betting most will choose to stay now that regulations have eased. We'll hold a referendum on each planet. I guarantee that the majority will choose the way of life we've provided."

"The generals won't like it."

"Hang the generals! I am the Supreme Leader and this is the best way forward. The alternative is years, years of war. The Resistance is only growing."

"Preposterous, we've had them running for months now."

"No, we haven't. Apparently they split their forces, the majority went into hiding. General Organa says they're actually four times as large as we believed. They kept Rey with the visible portion to keep me … distracted." Kylo grimaces. His mother played him oh so well.

Hux visibly pales and shakily takes a seat, swallowing. " _Four_ times?"

"Yes."

"And that's just what they've admitted to … We can't ... "

"I know. Do you think the generals will see reason?"

Hux sighs heavily. "Tell me what you have planned."

And so Kylo does.

* * *

Kylo is on his way to Shree's quarters. He wants to talk about Rey with someone who will level with him.

He rounds the corner when Natan comes into view. Kylo tenses. He's still angry at his duplicity but cannot forget that this man saved Rey.

"Natan Ren," he says coldly.

"It's Terin," Natan says stiffly.

Kylo holds his eyes and finally nods once. "Terin, then."

"Supreme Leader," the fallen knight returns his greeting and moves to continue on his way.

"Wait," Kylo says, stopping Terin.

Terin slowly turns, his bearing elegant as ever. "Yes?"

"Thank you. For saving Rey."

Terin inclines his head. "I do wish I had been able to act sooner. It would have saved much heartache. But it wasn't time."

Kylo thinks of how his behavior on Eshara nearly broke Rey and he's reminded of Terin's visions. "Yes … tell me … what do you see?"

"Peace," he says simply.

"And Rey ..." Kylo looks down, ashamed of the vulnerability that pushes him to ask this. "Do you see her … with me?" He looks back up to find Terin's expression almost kind.

"Yes, I do. You are Bound, it is the will of the Force."

Kylo lets out a long breath. "Thank you," he whispers.

Terin surprises him then by putting his hand on Kylo's shoulder. "You will find peace too, Ben."

Terin moves away then, leaving Kylo in the corridor, frozen.

* * *

Kylo knocks on Shree's door, still confused and relieved by his conversation with Terin.

The door opens and Kylo peers into her quarters warily. He really hopes Hux isn't here.

"Kylo," Shree greets him.

"Am I … disturbing you?"

Shree smirks. "No, no ginger generals to make you uncomfortable."

Kylo's shoulders fall in relief. "Yes, well …" He still doesn't know how to handle their strange relationship.

"Come in, Kylo. I'm surprised it's taken you this long to come see me."

"Why, what do you mean?" He follows her into her quarters and takes his usual seat.

"It's been two weeks since you and Rey … separated. You aren't known for your patience." She sits down across from him.

He snorts. "Well, she _deserves_ my patience. She deserves everything I can give her after all I've done to her. I should make her go, but … I just can't." Just the thought makes his chest tight with panic.

"And you aren't choosing for her any longer," Shree says with an arched brow.

"And that," he says sheepishly. He scrubs his face with his hands. "I hope I'm doing the right thing, leaving her alone."

"You are."

"I'm not so sure. A few nights ago she came to me. She was very insecure, worried I didn't want her any longer."

"Hmm … that does make sense."

"How could she think that after I've gone to such lengths to have her in my life?" He'd turned everything upside down to be with her.

"She's only experienced people caring for her for a year, and she's only known she was loved for a handful of months. Stacked against years of isolation and toil … I'm sure it's very easy to think it's all been a dream. You're going to have to constantly tell her what she means to you. Probably for years. Maybe the rest of her life."

He laughs slightly. "That won't be a problem."

"No, I didn't think it would be." She smiles fondly.

"How do I make her know I love her without pressuring her?"

"Right now you really can't. Just let her be. She'll let you know what she needs from you. You said she came to you?"

"Yes … in the middle of the night … she … stayed." He blushes furiously.

"I see," Shree says amusedly.

"Yes, well …" He lapses into silence.

After a moment, Shree says, "Kylo ..."

"Yes?"

She smiles gently. "I'm … well, I'm proud of you. You're doing the right thing. All of this. The peace talks, Rey … you've made all of it worth it. Every sacrifice. You've validated my faith in you."

Kylo's brow furrows, not sure what to do with this praise.

Shree puts her hand on his knee and says, "You're becoming the man I always knew you could be. Rey will choose you."

"You truly think so?"

"I truly do. Now, let's have a drink." She smiles ruefully.

Kylo sits back in his chair and allows himself to believe in Shree and Terin's words.

* * *

"A party?" Kylo asks with incredulity. "You want to have a … party."

"I thought it would be a good way to end the talks. Celebrate what we've accomplished. My quarters are quite large, I'd like to host it there," Leia says.

Kylo can't remember the last time he went to a … party.

"It would be small, just the delegates and the officers. Nothing elaborate. A bit of food, some drinks. I think it will end things on the right note."

Kylo grimaces. He finds the idea so very … her. She was always hosting gatherings when he was a boy.

"Trust me, Son. This will be a good thing."

"Well … alright."

"Excellent. I'll organize it for tomorrow evening, the night before we leave. Which reminds me." A small smile tugs at her mouth. "Finn wants to stay behind."

"What, why?" he asks in confusion.

"Kes," Leia says simply.

"He trusts us enough to stay with the First Order?"

"No, he trusts _you_ enough. He said that Rey is right about you. And I agree."

He blinks in shock. He's had a few more cordial interactions with the former stormtrooper, but … Finally he says "Yes, certainly, he can stay."

"I'll be back in two weeks. That will give us both the time we need to take our proposal to our people."

He doesn't think he'll need that much time. He'll just inform them and be done with it. But he knows she'll need to secure _agreement_.

"A party," he mumbles.

Leia laughs. "It will be good for you. Besides, I'm sure Rey will dress up for you."

This brightens his mood considerably.

* * *

He enters his mother's quarters and the party is in full swing. He'd been concerned that his officers wouldn't want to mingle with the Resistance, but by the look of things he needn't have worried. There are rosy cheeks and loud laughter; clutches of the Resistance people and First Order are having deep conversations or slapping each other's backs.

He scans the small crowd for Rey and finds her talking to a young, _male_ First Order officer. His jaw clenches and he tries to remember the man's name. Itan or something. She's grinning and glowing. She's wearing that red dress he likes so much, the one that shows off her creamy shoulders and he can't keep from growling.

"Oh stop," his mother says as she hands him a glass of something blue. "She's just being friendly. Lieutenant Itana is a nice boy but he's not an idiot."

"He's all over her," he snarls.

"No, he's _talking_ to her."

"Look, he just touched her!"

"No, he reached past her for another drink. Calm down. She won't like it if you act like a possessive teenager."

"Fine," he grumbles as he slams back the drink. It goes down very easily. He snags another.

His mother arches a brow at him but says nothing. He tries to get himself under control.

Stiffly, he says, "Your … party seems to be a success."

"I thought it might. People are just people after all."

He notices a few he doesn't recognize—they seem more uncomfortable and keep to the edges of the room. "Who are they?"

"I invited some stormtroopers."

He pauses. It's not such a bad idea, but he remembers how long it took for Kes to grow accustomed to life without the helmet. Hell, it had taken _him_ quite a while. But then he sees Finn and Kes approach them and he relaxes.

"Well … good," he concedes.

"I'm so glad you approve. Enjoy the party, Son," she offers as she moves on to another guest.

He senses a presence in the Force and turns to find Luke Skywalker. "Hello, Ben."

"Skywalker," he says grudgingly.

His uncle frowns. "I do wish you'd return to calling me 'Uncle'."

"Not if you insist on calling me Ben," Kylo grousses.

Skywalker cocks his head. "That's a fair trade, Kylo."

But Kylo doesn't like that, either and grimaces. It just sounds wrong from the man he once idolized. He looks down on his uncle for a moment and moves into the crowd.

He wants to leave. This feels like some peculiar hell where he's stuck with his relatives and he has to watch other men flirt with Rey. He grabs another drink.

* * *

She keeps looking over at him and he's certain she's a bit drunk. He himself is most certainly drunk. Whatever that blue stuff his mother is serving is, it certainly packs a punch. He's feeling sorry for himself and he sits heavily in a chair, purposefully keeping his back to Rey.

He doesn't know if he should approach her. His mother had said Rey would dress up for him, and she's probably right. He knows she's not really flirting, and he's certain no one would actually dare to flirt with her. He just doesn't like seeing her talk to anyone when he doesn't feel that he's allowed to talk to her himself. He should go.

Kylo stands abruptly and is a bit unsteady on his feet. Then he catches Shree out of the corner of his eye. He looks over and sees that she's sitting on Hux's _lap_. Oh Maker, he's going to be ill. The ginger irritant is nuzzling her neck and it is _absolutely_ time to go. What the hell is in those drinks?

He moves through the crowd and is almost to the door when he feels her small hand on his arm.

He turns to find Rey looking up at him in concern. "Are you really leaving?"

"I've had enough … revelry for the evening," he says, far more coldly than he'd intended.

"But we haven't talked," she says, pouting. Her eyes are glassy and her face flushed. She's clearly had plenty of his mother's concoction.

"Did you want to?" he asks, his tone still chilled.

She frowns. "Of course I do … I … I've missed you."

"My door is always open to you. As you well know," he says sharply. Why can't he keep his temper in check?

Rey looks away. "I'm sorry about the other morning."

"Why did you leave Rey, why?" he asks, his ire melting away, leaving only vulnerability.

"I was confused … it was so easy to just be with you … I was afraid."

Swiftly, he takes her hands, startling her. "You never have to be afraid of me."

"I was afraid of _me_. Afraid of how much I want you. Afraid that I can't trust my feelings. Afraid I can't _know_ when I'm around you."

He lifts her fingers to his lips and kisses the tips. "You can, sweetheart. You can. It's all real, I promise."

Her eyes deepen and she tugs at his hands. "Let's go to your quarters." Her tone leaves no doubt about what she wants.

He knows he probably should say no, but she looks so beautiful. He'd probably say no if he wasn't in his cups, but right now he just wants to get her out of that dress.

He pulls her to the door without another word.

* * *

They slam into his quarters, kissing heatedly. They're only just through the door when she's pulling off her dress. Oh, stars, she's not wearing anything underneath. With one swift movement she's naked in front of him and his cock is already like iron.

"Rey, you're so gorgeous," he slurs. He really did drink too much.

Her hands are pulling at his clothing and she's nudging off her heels. "No," he growls. "Leave them on."

She grins wickedly and puts her high-heels back on and returns to removing his clothing. Soon he's kicking off his boots and somehow they get him naked. He's not sure how, things are a bit hazy.

Rey takes his hands and pulls him over to his couch. "Now, you're going to give me something I've wanted for a very long time," she says impishly.

"I am, am I?"

"Yes," she purrs as she glides her hand over his erection. Force, she feels so good, wiggling her tight little body against him.

She starts to pump him in earnest and he groans out, "Anything."

"You're going to prove to me that I'm all you want. All you have in your head."

"Yes, beloved, only you," he says, his eyes searing into hers.

She quickly goes to her knees on the couch, her pert bottom twitching invitingly. She looks over her shoulder and her eyes are almost dark brown with her arousal. He can see her pretty pink heat glisten and he doesn't care anymore. If she wants this, he won't fight anymore. He just hopes he can keep the memories away.

Rey holds his eyes and begs, "Take me, Kylo. Give me everything."

He moans as he places his hands on her hips. He loves how they flare from her slim waist. The roundness of her bottom, the softness of her skin. He loves it all. Suddenly he's overtaken by lust, love, and the alcohol heating his blood.

"You want this, sweetheart?"

"Maker yes, make me scream."

"As my lady commands," he growls as he enters her. He's not gentle, he pushes her forward with one hard thrust and she calls out.

"Yes, I love having you in me. More, Kylo, more!" she begs and he can only give her what she wants.

He sets a punishing rhythm and on some level waits for the memories to come for him. But they don't. There's only Rey as she keeps her face turned to him, holding his eyes.

Because there is only Rey. Nothing that came before can touch him. Just his precious beloved and her gorgeous body, her tremendous heart.

His thighs slap against the round fullness of her behind and his fingers dig into the soft flesh. She cries out and begs him to take her harder, give her more.

"Yes," he hisses as his hand snakes into her hair and pulls her back onto him. He's losing his focus, all there is is her tight passage and how slick she feels around him.

"Yes, yes, yes," she keens as he thrusts particularly deep and she's pushed further into the couch. He looks down and sees her petite feet wrapped in those wicked heels and it makes his cock jump. Everything about her is perfect.

His orgasm is coming on him fast, he's not going to last. "Rey, oh Maker, Rey!" he bellows.

"Yes, come in me, fill me up."

"You want it?"

"I want it, I want it all," she promises. She bucks back to meet him and that's it, he can't hold on any longer. His hand tightens in her hair and he pulls her back as he crashes into her, his release filling her over and over again. He roars out the last pulse and falls onto her, panting. He lays against her strong back, catching his breath and just feeling how their skin hums together.

He moans into her ear, "I love you, Force that was amazing."

"I love you. Thank you, Kylo," she says softly.

He shifts to look in her eyes and he sees tears. He pulls out of her swiftly and moves to sit, setting her onto his lap. "Did I hurt you?" he asks in alarm.

"No ,.. no. It was just so good and … I've been afraid you'd never let me have it all. That … _they'd_ always be here."

"No, no my beloved," he croons. "They have no place here. Only us. Just us."

"Thank you," she whispers and snuggles into him.

He holds her for a long time, then she says into his skin, "I'm so tired of being confused. It all makes perfect sense when I'm with you."

"That's all that matters, my love. How it is when we're together."

He feels her frown into his chest, but he's already getting an idea. He stands quickly, keeping her in his arms.

"Oh!" she squeaks. "Kylo, what-"

"Hush, I'm taking you to bed and finishing this up properly," he says as he strides to his bedroom, still a touch wobbly from the alcohol.

He lays her on his bed and quickly settles his face between her legs. "We're not done yet," he growls as he buries his face in her sweet, perfect center.

* * *

He wakes to an empty bed. Again.

Kylo slams his hand onto the bed and snarls in frustration.

* * *

As he makes his way to the bridge he's consumed with doubt. Did she actually not want that? Did he make her feel like just one of the others? Why does she keep running from him?

He strides onto the bridge to find Hux perusing a datapad. "Ah, excellent. The Resistance delegation is safely away."

What? He didn't think they would leave so early. He thought he'd see his mother off … It doesn't matter, he'll see her in two weeks. Perhaps he'll even write to her.

He goes to his office and is surprised when Hux follows him.

"There is one other matter, sir," Hux says hesitantly.

Kylo's eyes narrow. Hux hasn't seemed this cautious in quite some time. "Yes?"

"Were you aware that … ehem," Hux looks away and begins again. "Were you aware that the Lady Rey was going to be traveling with them?"

"What?" Kylo breathes out.

"Yes. She was one of their party. Shree assured me it's what you would want," Hux says nervously.

Kylo only nods in shock. Rey is gone? She left his bed only to _leave_ him? What did he do wrong? She'd said she loves him. That she'd missed him. She'd fallen asleep in his arms. He thought she was going to _stay_. Eventually he realizes Hux is just standing there.

"You're dismissed," Kylo says faintly.

"Yes, sir." Hux leaves him alone in his office.

Kylo falls into his chair and looks at the ceiling, gulping for air. This can't be happening. He can't _do_ this. He wants to batter against the Bond, beg her to tell him _why_ , but he refuses to fail her now. He'd said he'd let her choose …

Rey has left him. On Maker, Rey has _left_ him.

He doesn't even try to stop the tears.

* * *

A/N: Thank you so much to my wonderful betas! Having two trusted friends on my team is such a blessing. Thank you Juulna and CharlotteCAgain, from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you readers! You are all so dear to me. Thank you for every read, follow, favorite, and review! You keep me writing, you really do.


	67. Chapter 67

Kylo can't stop thinking that somehow he'd made her feel cheap by making love to her like that. She'd seemed so happy, like he'd gifted her with something, but now he's certain he'd made her feel like a whore. He'd finally done it. Treated her like a whore and now she's run from him.

He'd never even visited a brothel, uncomfortable with the idea that the women involved hadn't chosen the interaction. But he knows how terrified Rey is that that is what she has made herself by allowing him to love her with his body. He can't stop feeling like he'd made her think that she's only a source for release by being so thoughtless with his desire.

He'd been so base, so animalistic, but only because he _needs_ her so much. She'd been so tempting with her exquisite backside beckoning to him. How can he explain to her that nothing they do with each other is anything other than an expression of how much he treasures her? Not that it matters now. He can't tell her _anything_. She's left him.

He paces in his office, too hurt to rage. He just aches. He _knew_ he shouldn't have done that. He _knew_ it. Why did he drink so much? He winces as he remembers pulling her hair. How could he have treated her like that? He might as well have just lifted her dress, with all the care he'd shown her.

But … after … he'd been tender. After he'd sated both their needs with his face buried between her thighs he'd made love to her again. Close, connected, the Bond fully open and he knows he'd shown her his very soul. They'd both panted out their love as they'd shared their pleasure.

He wants to order the _Finalizer_ to pursue his mother's vessel, but he knows that would destroy everything they've built and, besides … he promised Rey he would let her go. Can he though? Can he really do that? He can't bear the idea of a life without her. Oh, Maker. Rey …

His hands come up and he starts to beat at his head with his fists. Make it stop, make it stop. Rey, Rey, Rey. He continues to pace furiously, filled with pain and conflict. What should he do? What can he-

His office door opens and Shree walks in slowly, taking in his state. He's sure his hair is wild and his eyes wilder. He knows it's obvious he's been crying.

"Damn," she mutters. "I _knew_ I should have waited for you …"

"Shree!" He rushes to her. "Tell me what to do," he begs.

"Shhhh, calm down, Kylo. It's not what you're obviously thinking," she says soothingly.

"What? What do you mean? Rey's left me!"

"No … no, not the way I know you're imagining it." She takes him by the arm. "Please, let's sit."

He sniffles pathetically and lets her lead him to the clutch of chairs by his office's viewscreen.

"Now, listen to me."

"I'm listening." She's said it's not what he's thinking, that Rey hasn't left him. Is she still here? Is Hux wrong? He hasn't dared prod the Bond, he's kept to his side for weeks now. Could she still be here?

"She came to Leia this morning, very early, distraught."

His face crumples. He knew it. He'd taken things too far last night, been too rough.

"Maker, Kylo, whatever you're thinking, just stop. This is _not_ a bad thing," Shree says with exasperation.

He tries to pull himself back from the brink, find some control, but he just _hurts_.

Shree holds his eyes. "Anyway … she was nearly hysterical from what Leia told me. She said she knew she had to leave, but that she didn't know if she could, if she had the strength to face you and go."

"So she did leave me," he says bitterly.

Shree rolls her eyes. "Yes, but only for a little while. She's coming _back_. She did this, she left, _for_ you."

"What?" That makes no sense.

"She said she woke up knowing that you deserved to have her _choose_ you unreservedly, to stop playing these games. That you needed for her to know this was right. So she decided to give both of you some real space when she knew the Resistance was returning in two weeks. She's coming _back_. She's clearing her head and coming back to you, free and completely. Do you hear me?"

He blinks. Then swallows. He feels like he can breathe again. _She's coming back_. Oh thank the Force, she's coming _back_. Two weeks. She'll be back with the delegation in _two weeks_. He can manage that. Suddenly he's aware of the state of his face and he wipes his cheeks quickly.

Once he's somewhat presentable he asks with a wounded tone, "Why … why didn't she say goodbye?"

Shree's expression gentles. "She didn't think she could do it. She knew it would hurt you, but she couldn't see another way. She knew she would stay if she faced you, and she doesn't want this hanging over your heads for the rest of your lives. What you did. She wants to come back to you, to _choose_ you, like she always should have been allowed to do. Don't you see? You both needed to know that you'd let her go. That she really is free."

"Because if she's not free, she could never choose," he says, finally understanding.

"Exactly. Thank the Maker, he sees sense," she grumbles.

Now Kylo is beginning to feel a bit foolish for falling so quickly into the abyss. He's been doing so well and yet he'd spiraled so quickly. He looks around his office and takes some comfort in the fact that he hadn't destroyed anything.

He's finally thinking clearly again. "So that's why my mother left without saying goodbye …" he says, making the connection.

"She didn't want to. But Rey was in such a state. Adamant, but so fragile. Your mother had to get her out of here." Shree shakes her head. "That girl loves you, she truly loves you."

He smiles gently and is warmed by her words. "What makes you say that?"

"Because of how hard it was for her to go. Just for two weeks. You'd have thought she was leaving your for a year or more. And …" Shree's eyes ghost with real pain.

"Yes?"

"Something she said … she said she couldn't make you watch her go, not when she knows what that feels like."

Oh, his beloved. Always Jakku. Of course she would think about leaving in those terms. And then he's struck by a thought. "She doesn't think doing this is like what happened to her? She could never do anything like that."

"By the time they needed to go she wasn't thinking very clearly. She was terrified you'd hate her. Several times she almost backed out, but we reminded her of _why_ she wanted to do this. Because she was right. She needs this. _You_ need this."

Much as he hates it, Shree _is_ right. How can she really choose to be with him when she's never left her prison? As beautiful as it is, he sees it for what it is, now. He nods and looks out on the stars. Oh, his precious, perfect love. She's so much stronger than he'll ever be.

"There's something else," Shree says, getting his attention again.

He turns his head towards her and says, "Yes?"

"She left this for you." Shree puts a holochip in his hand. A holo? She'd recorded him a holo? Oh … she _had_ said goodbye. He holds it like it's the most fragile, _dear_ , thing in the systems. He can't quite believe he has this treasured part of _Rey_ and leaves his hand open, just looking at it.

Shree stands. "I'll leave you to it then," she says with kind understanding as she strides out of his office.

"Shree," he calls out as she reaches the door. She turns to him. "Thank you," he says softly.

She tilts her head and her kind eyes smile with a warmth he hasn't seen since he was a boy. "You're welcome," she says as she slips out of his office.

He returns his attention to the precious bit of Rey in his hand and stands, going to his desk. He slips it into the projector and sits back, prepared to watch.

Rey's lovely face, marred by tear tracks, comes into view. Her eyes are huge and she's trembling. "I'm sorry, please don't be angry. Please don't think I left you. Please don't think I don't love you. I love you, with all of my heart, I love you." Her tone is pleading and it makes his chest hurt.

"I just … I know this is the right thing to do, but I'm coming back. I promise. I know that I want to be with you, but … after everything … I have to go, so I _can_ come back. It's just for a little while. Two weeks. I'll be back in two weeks and then I'm yours. No more confusion, no more running from you. No more deals, just us. The Bond open, all the time, just like you said. Like it was meant to be."

She pauses and wipes her eyes. "Maker, this is _hard_. I'm so afraid you're going to feel betrayed. That you'll hate me. That you won't love me anymore … but then I remember everything you've said, how it feels when you touch me and I know that's just Jakku talking. It's hard to hold onto, though." She looks away and he wants to tell her there's nothing she could do to make him stop loving her.

She looks down at her ring while holding the rainbow gem with her other hand. "But I have these, and they tell me you love me." Oh my beloved, always. _Always_.

Then she smiles and oh, it makes his soul sing. "I left Preslan. Please take care of him for me. I didn't want my men to be lonely." Her expression shifts into a real grin and he finds himself grinning back. Never mind that she's left that awful beast in his care. He knows she did it to make him feel certain that she will be coming back.

Then her face clouds. "I am sorry I couldn't do this in person … I hope you'll forgive me for that. I don't think I could be near you and leave. I love you, Kylo."

She looks intensely through the lens of the recording device and he can make out the amber swirls in the mesmerizing hazel of her eyes. There are so many feelings moving across her face, and he sees her lip quiver as she kisses her fingers then puts them across the lens, the holo coming to an end.

He sits back in his chair. He has no idea where to begin processing everything she'd shared. He's not sure she's _ever_ said so much about how she feels about him all at once before. She's coming back. With the Bond open. She's going to _choose_ him.

He gasps at the realization that even after everything he's done, though he deserves none of her love, she wants him. Forever.

"I love you, Rey," he whispers to the empty room.

* * *

He joins Hux on the bridge in an odd neediness to be around people. He looks at Hux, who returns his gaze with trepidation, and he realizes he's waiting for the saber to fall.

"You did well," Kylo offers quietly.

Hux quirks a brow. "Sir?"

"Listening to Shree. She was right. You made the correct decision, not interfering with Rey's departure."

Hux's shoulders fall ever so slightly, the only indication that he'd been concerned. "Yes, sir," is all that the ginger general says.

Kylo thinks about the last six months, how everything has shifted since he'd dispatched Snoke and he realizes that Hux has been by his side through all of it. He could have undermined him, could have made life very difficult for him, in fact. But he hadn't. Instead, he's been … supportive.

They'd been rivals when jockeying for Snoke's favor. However, once Snoke was removed, Kylo has seen that all that Hux seems to truly care about is the galaxy. He too wants peace. True, not quite the peace that's being built—Hux prefers order in all things—but his second has only shown him loyalty.

Kylo watches Hux disappear into his office and decides to follow him.

"Supreme Leader!" Hux exclaims in surprise as Kylo enters his office. "I didn't realize you needed anything."

"No … I don't. I only wished to … I only wished to thank you. Armitage." He manages not to cringe over the ridiculous name.

Hux—Armitage—blinks in confusion. "Thank me, sir?"

"I know that _you_ have kept the First Order functioning, not I. You put aside our … history to preserve what we've built. It wouldn't do for me not to acknowledge that. Where we are now, on the precipice of peace, which would have been impossible without your contribution. Thank you."

Hux fidgets with a stack of datapads. "Yes, well … it is my honor to serve."

Kylo notices small pink spots high on Hux's cheeks and he suppresses a smirk. He may be grateful to the ginger irritant, but he'll always delight in making him uncomfortable. He makes his way to the general's door.

On his way out he calls, "Oh, and do try not to maul my knight in public next time."

He's very satisfied with the choking sound he hears as he closes Hux's door.

* * *

Kylo is restless. He's back in his quarters after a boring day with nothing of note after his confusing, singular morning. His days have been filled with peace talks and his meeting with the generals isn't scheduled until tomorrow. Rey is gone, his mother as well, and he finds that he's … lonely. Not the solitude that used to plague him, but the awareness that he's grown used to company.

He considers seeking Jashad and Palek. Perhaps they would spar with him? If they didn't use the Force, it might even be a fair fight. He's not been keeping up with his normal, rigorous training schedule.

Yes, that's what he will do. He's just started moving to the door when the alert sounds. He hadn't expected anyone, but perhaps Shree is checking on him?

He reaches out with the Force and finds a curious blankness and he realizes that could only be his _uncle_.

His fingers flex and curl into fists. He thought he'd left and realizes the man has been shielding himself all day. Typical. He opens his door and snarls, "What do you want, _Uncle_?"

He's greeted by infuriatingly calm blue eyes. "We never truly spoke, Nephew."

Kylo is mollified somewhat by Skywalker's choice not to refer to him as _Ben_. But it doesn't keep his jaw from clenching. He may have made peace with his mother, but this seems … He had something to reclaim with her, all there ever was with his uncle was rejection and failure.

Finally, his voice tight, he asks, "What do you _want_ from me?"

For a moment, Skywalker's eyes grow infinitely sad. "What I want and what I think are possible are two different things. What I want is for us to build the relationship we should have had, that I should have allowed. I want to give you the forgiveness I know you so desperately crave."

Forgiveness. His breath catches at the thought. Even as he bristles at the idea that it is offered by Luke Skywalker, who is far from blameless himself. Kylo knows there is no forgiveness for what he did and he scowls at this thoughtless cruelty. "It's not yours to give."

Luke's brows rise. "Not for the Academy?"

Kylo flinches and looks away. "Just leave."

"No, I don't think I will. I'm done abandoning you."

Oh. Oh that hits him right in his softest places. So much in one quiet statement. He growls and steps back from his entryway. It's not an invitation but it's not a rejection either and Luke enters his rooms.

Suddenly his quarters feel too small with the serene Force user emanating his quiet strength. Kylo stalks to his sitting area and takes a seat, not caring what Luke does. His uncle crosses the room and sits opposite him. Kylo can almost hear his mother admonishing him for his lack of manners.

Silence reigns until Kylo can't take it any longer. "Well? Talk."

Luke steeples his fingers and peers at Kylo. "I'm sorry."

Kylo snorts. As if an apology fixes anything even as the boy he used to be is elated to have his uncle finally behave like a proper family member.

But it's not nearly enough, even as Kylo knows he tore everything to the ground because of his bitterness. Even if he wants to hide behind his anger, he's come too far not to have to acknowledge that he paid his uncle back in full for every single slight.

"I think we're beyond apologies. There are no words to make up for what I did."

There's a flash of something sharp and dangerous in Luke's eyes. "To what are you referring?"

"Have you ever, in your whole life, spoken plainly? You know damned well _to what I'm referring_. The Academy, Snoke, my f-" He stops himself. He's both desperate to speak of his greatest crime and terrified to give it words. He looks down and whispers, "My father."

Luke's lips purse slightly and he nods once. "In regards to Snoke, I think if anyone has cause to acknowledge fault … well, I am the one to blame. Worse than my mistakes with how I treated you at the Academy … I should have explained the danger as soon as you arrived." He sighs. "I was so afraid of being seen to have a favorite that I forgot the reality that you _were_."

"What?" Kylo asks, utterly confused. He was always coming up short. Never, _ever_ fulfilling his _great promise._

Real pain crowds Luke's mild expression. "You have no idea, do you?"

"Clearly not," Kylo almost snarls. He's not a patient man in the best of circumstances.

"You were my greatest achievement and my most breathtaking failure. You are my nephew. My only sister's only son. I was bursting with pride in you. You were and _are_ so adept with the Force. Nothing I threw at you ever deterred you. Sometimes it scared me, the ease with which you could manipulate the Force."

Kylo blinks furiously. "But … you never let on. Not even once. I thought I was failing, all the time. What I did was never good enough. _I_ was never good enough." He cringes as his voice breaks over the last word.

"You were nothing short of brilliant and I don't have the words to express how sorry I am that I never told you that. I did everything wrong with you. I should have kept you close and let you see that I love you."

That's too much. That's a step too far. Kylo stands and goes to his viewscreen. "No. You never loved me. Attachments," he spits.

"I was wrong. About everything. I was wrong."

This is all getting too personal and Kylo can't handle the feelings coursing through him. He desperately wishes Rey were here. She could help him find his way through this. All he'd ever wanted when he was at the Academy was his uncle's love and acceptance. To find out he'd always had it … he has no place to put this revelation.

He whirls, turning back to his uncle. "And what about 'The Jedi do not get involved?' Were you wrong about that, too?" The image of those trembling, terrified girls and the slavers flashes behind his eyes. It's the first time he remembers _hating_ his uncle.

Luke frowns and Kylo continues, "And Rey, how could you not train her, how could you leave her with no way to channel the Force running through her blood? How could you leave her so vulnerable?"

 _To me._

His uncle closes his eyes briefly. "There was always more going on than you were aware of when we were traveling together."

This, _this_ is familiar territory. His uncle's _excuses_. "What could possibly have been happening when those men were selling girls, _children,_ to skin traders! How could you let that happen? All the suffering, and you just spouted about the will of the Force. The Force doesn't will poverty! The Force doesn't will _rape_ ," he bellows.

Finally Luke stands and there's fire in his eyes. "Did you learn nothing from the history that so obsessed you?" There he is, this is the Luke he knows.

"I learned every lesson you ever taught me," Kylo says with deadly calm.

The fire goes out as quickly as it came. "Yes. You did," Luke admits softly. Then he sighs heavily. "We'll continue this another time," he says with his Jedi Master tone, and he moves to the door.

"We really won't," Kylo calls as Skywalker glides through the door.

As soon as he hears it slide shut, Kylo flings his couch with the Force with an inarticulate howl of rage and frustration.

* * *

Kylo had managed to keep from utterly destroying his quarters, forcing himself to calm down instead. He refuses to continue to fly into uncontrolled rages. Not anymore. He won't be that man. Rey deserves better. The _galaxy_ deserves better. Maybe even he himself deserves better ...

Now he's in his cold bed, staring at the ceiling, thoughts swirling. His uncle's words won't leave him be. That he hadn't been a failure at the Academy. Maker, if he'd only known that, that constant voice of doubt might have been quieted. Now he wonders if it was Snoke influencing him. Skywalker had said that he might have always been watching.

Kylo certainly wouldn't've put it past him. Snoke would have delighted in preying on him as a child. He shivers in revulsion at the memory of his dead master.

He rolls over on his side and pulls himself into a tight ball. He may understand Rey's reasons, but right now he'd give anything for her reassuring warmth and her anchoring light.

He closes his eyes and tries to sleep but it won't come. He'd been wanting to be around people all day, and yet half an hour with his uncle has left him wanting to never leave his quarters again. His revelations had untangled so much, remaking history and leaving him impossibly confused.

Why couldn't it have been his mother who had stayed behind? Obviously Skywalker still thinks he can salvage some sort of relationship and the thought makes him angry. Unlike Skywalker, with his mother Kylo had always had something special and he realizes he misses her. He's seen her every day for the duration of the talks … and every day he'd felt more of the pain between them melting away. He understands why she left early, even that she did it for him as much as for Rey. But he would have liked a chance to say goodbye.

He takes a deep breath, finally finding some order in his messy head. He reminds himself that he's close to achieving peace, that Rey is returning to him. That he has his mother back in his life. He focuses on a memory of how his mother had looked at him with love and not revulsion.

Maybe he'll write to her tomorrow.

* * *

His eyes spring open in the middle of the night. Preslan. He'd forgotten to feed Preslan. He growls as he shoves off his covers. Stupid cat. He's sure Rey provided him with enough food that he could probably wait until the morning. But … she'd left him in his care and he wants to honor her trust.

He throws on a light robe over his sleeping pants. He doesn't bother with his boots; it's late enough that he's unlikely to be seen.

* * *

He pads to Rey's door, the sleek floors cool against his feet. It's actually almost pleasant. When he reaches her door he smiles. It still fills him with warmth that she'd given him access to her quarters. She really has been trying this whole time. Now he understands completely why she needed to be able to shut him out. He'd taken so much from her at the beginning. He shakes his head sadly as he enters her rooms.

Her scent fills his nostrils and he lets out a small whimpering sound. He's reminded of the last time he'd been in her quarters without her, when she'd been near death and he'd been almost out of his mind with grief. But this is nothing like that; this is almost domestic. Caring for her cat while she's away. He snorts at the humor in it.

"Alright, beast. Where are you?" he calls out.

There's no response, not that he expected there to be. "You know I will find you, that there's no need for these games." They'd come to a detente for Rey's sake, but the huge feline does like to remind Kylo of his place.

Kylo goes into Rey's bedroom and looks under the bed. Just as he'd expected, glowing yellow eyes greet him, narrowed into slits.

"I'm sure you're hungry. Come out from under there."

Preslan doesn't move. Kylo sighs. He's very tempted to use the Force, but he's irrationally worried that Rey would somehow know.

He goes to where she keeps the creature's food and tips some of his unappetizing kibble into a bowl. Just as he'd thought, she'd left out extra food. "I don't know how he can stand this stuff," he grumbles.

Bowl in hand, he returns to her bedroom and crouches down, shaking the bowl temptingly. "Here, come eat."

He supposes he could just leave the food for the irritating animal, but that doesn't feel right, somehow. He sits down next to the bowl and leans his back against her bed, allowing his head to fall back. Preslan may be stubborn, but he's certain he's the one who will win this little contest of wills.

He waits. And waits. Eventually a little pink nose peeks out from under her bed and sniffs at the food. Then a paw swipes out and draws a few pieces of nourishment back under the bed. "Ah, ah, ah," Kylo admonishes and moves the bowl further away. Eventually, the beast creeps out and begins to eat in earnest.

"Finally," Kylo grouches, but he smiles with satisfaction.

Once the great gray monster finishes his meal, he tilts his head, blinking at Kylo. Then he nudges him with his head and Kylo finds himself stroking the maddening thing. His fur _is_ very soft.

* * *

Kylo wakes early the next morning with a crick in his neck from falling asleep sitting against Rey's bed. Preslan is tucked in his lap, purring.

* * *

He orders breakfast in Rey's quarters and doesn't say a word when Preslan steals one of his eggs.

* * *

A/N: Thank you to my beautiful betas, CharlotteCAgain and Juulna. It's amazing what you both bring to my writing and I couldn't be more grateful.

Thank you readers! I re-read this from the beginning and boy, is it long. I am so grateful to you for giving this monster your time. And, of course, thank you for each follow, favorite, and review! I always love hearing what you think and am so glad you take the time.


	68. Chapter 68

" _This_ is your proposal? That we simply roll over and give the Resistance _everything_?" General Zallten fumes.

"No, it is my proposal that we make some concessions, as will they," Kylo says with what little patience he has left.

General Prost snorts. "And what are they _conceding_?"

"The entire governmental structure! The economy! They've agreed to state ownership of the means of production! They gave up the senate for Maker's sake!" Kylo is already utterly sick of this meeting. They've argued over every single point, even the ones where First Order policies are virtually unchanged. He hasn't even had the opportunity to go into any real detail because they just keep squabbling. He'd like to dismiss them all and start over with their seconds, but he knows that's not really practical.

General Tillin sits back, looking pensive. She has recently been promoted and Kylo doesn't have a sense of her yet. "I believe, Supreme Leader, that it would be helpful if we could understand _why_ it is in our best interest to join with the Resistance in this way. This is beyond peace, this is a blueprint for the galaxy. You're asking us to throw our lot in with our enemy and _I_ for one would like to know why."

Kylo closes his eyes and focuses on his breathing. He'd already addressed this. "Because, Generals, we no longer have military superiority."

"Then why not simply declare a truce? They govern as they see fit and we'll continue with our original vision. The level of representation you're proposing is dangerous. The will of the people is a myth and will only make things more difficult," Tillin continues.

"Exactly!" General Zallten exclaims.

Kylo sighs heavily and leans forward with his elbows on the table. "Aren't you _tired_? We've been waging war for _years_ , long before I ever joined the cause. The galaxy is in shreds, billions are dead. The Resistance has agreed to a much more centralized seat of power. It may not be the firm hand we had always hoped for, but it's so much better than the messy Galactic Senate. Besides … perhaps there is a lesson to be learned that the galaxy rebelled against empire _twice_."

"I cannot believe I'm hearing this from Lord Vader's own grandson," Prost sputters.

Kylo stills, unprepared to face the ghost of his grandfather. He still hasn't been able to untangle who the man really was, knowing that he's never actually spoken with him. But he has years of reflexive adoration to work through and having this relationship questioned hits him in a very nasty, broken place.

A pulse of danger thrums through the Force but Prost continues on, oblivious to the danger. "Lord Vader would never have concede-"

Kylo rises to his feet and crosses to where Prost is sitting. He's one of the few gathered who is here in person and not a hologram. Kylo looms over him, looking down on him with his head cocked. He may no longer wish to rely on violence in the same way, but he's unbothered by a bit of intimidation. He raises his hand and exerts just a bit of pressure. "Tell me again how my grandfather would handle this, General Prost." His voice glitters with malice.

Prost shakes his head and his hand goes to his throat. His eyes are bulging and he gasps out, "My apologies, Supreme Leader!"

Kylo continues to squeeze. Not enough to truly harm him, but enough to make sure this is not a lesson he will want to repeat. Prost coughs and pulls at his throat and a cruel smile slices across Kylo's face.

"Supreme Leader …" General Hux says softly.

Kylo releases him abruptly, aware that Hux is right. He can't very well kill one of his generals and expect them to work with him. And, he supposes, it's not really how he wants to conduct himself. But that brief dance with the dark side had been intoxicating.

Prost falls forward, pulling air into his lungs quickly. "Careful, General Prost, we don't want you to hyperventilate," Kylo purrs.

Kylo returns to his seat and looks around the gathered generals meaningfully. "I trust that's the last we'll hear on the subject of Lord Vader, _my_ grandfather?"

There are murmurs of assent and Kylo nods sharply. "Well then, shall we proceed?"

There's a long silence before General Tillin speaks. "I would like to know more about how the ruling body will be implemented."

"Very well." And Kylo begins to lay out the specifics.

* * *

Kylo stalks through the corridors, his body tight and his muscles coiled. The meeting with the generals had _not_ gone well. This is going to be a struggle and he wonders what the point of being Supreme Leader is if he can't … lead. They never would have questioned Snoke the way they had him.

Though, he supposes Snoke wouldn't have gathered them together in the first place—he would have simply informed them of the changes from his remote location. But that's not how Kylo wants things to be. He doesn't want to have to use force to maintain loyalty. He almost regrets Force choking Prost. Almost. Rey certainly wouldn't have liked it. The rush of power is long gone and now he just feels impetuous.

He needs release. He knows how he'd _like_ to achieve it, but that won't be possible for another thirteen days. He remembers how he had planned to spar with Jashad and Palek and he turns on his heel, going to the knights' training room. Perhaps even Terik might indulge him.

Kylo sweeps into the large room and stops dead in his tracks, met with Wylan. In all of the chaos and turmoil of the last few weeks he'd entirely forgotten the man's egregious treatment of Rey. But now, with her far from him, all he can remember is Wylan's filthy hands all over her and his lips twist into a feral grin. Sparring would have perhaps quieted the riot in his head, but well-deserved punishment suddenly sounds so much better.

It really is a shame that Rey had healed him the last time. Now he's going to have to do it all over again. He finds he rather likes the idea of smashing in his smug face a second time.

At first Wylan doesn't notice him. He's working with training droids, deflecting blaster bolts with his saber. Kylo watches for a while, wondering if Wylan is always this careless. He really should be more aware. Eventually he grows bored and reaches out a hand, making the droids go dead. Wylan whirls and pales at the sight of Kylo. He quickly retracts his blade but keeps the hilt in his hand.

"Wylan Ren. What a fortuitous surprise." Kylo isn't sure what he's going to do, but he's going to do _something_. This man has been a thorn in his side for decades and he's done allowing him to get under his skin.

"Supreme Leader," Wylan says shakily.

"We never did speak of your treatment of Lady Rey."

"No, sir." Wylan would seem cowed if it weren't for the tension in his shoulders.

"Tell me, what made you think you could lay your hands on what is mine?" He circles Wylan like prey, his movements lithe and emanating danger.

A bit of fire kindles in Wylan's eyes. "She didn't seem to know that," he replies recklessly.

"I think you'll find that she is very aware that she is mine as I am hers. I tire of this game, Wylan Ren. You lost it long ago."

"Then why do you keep playing?" Wylan sneers.

The question is like a bucket of ice water, immediately quelling Kylo's rising anger. It's such a simple question and Kylo holds stock still, his stare penetrating the other man. Wylan begins to fidget slightly with his fingers. Why _does_ Kylo keep engaging with this excuse for a knight? He could have exiled him from the Knights of Ren months ago.

Instead, Kylo has continued to play the role he's inhabited since he was a boy. Desperate to finally win, to make Wylan _acknowledge_ him. But Wylan has made it clear that he would die first. His life of deprivation left him with only his pride. Suddenly Kylo sees his spitfire of a girl in the shadow of Wylan. They'd both been left to fend for themselves as little children, both had to do anything to survive.

Kylo leans back on his heels and continues to regard Wylan, his understanding of his rival unspooling before him. He could easily kill him. Rey isn't here and Wylan more than deserves it for his attempted assault on Rey. He thinks she might even understand it. But … Wylan is right. Why _does_ he continue to play this game? He's the Supreme Leader now. He was always stronger in the Force, always bested Wylan even if sometimes it was a near thing. Yet he'd allowed this broken boy to torment him, hurt him … he'd given Wylan _power_ over him.

He doesn't have to do that anymore. He doesn't need to prove anything to the boy who was Jerik or the man who is Wylan. He steps back and notes that for all of Wylan's bravado, he's trembling.

"Go. You are no longer a Knight of Ren. I release you. Go and never come back."

Wylan blinks rapidly. "What?"

"Go," Kylo hisses. "You're right. I no longer wish to _play_. Because I have won and you have lost. Now take your belongings to your ship and never return. If I see you again, I will kill you. No more games, I'm deadly serious."

Kylo's words finally penetrate Wylan's confusion and he clips his lightsaber to his belt and walks quickly to the opposite door.

He's almost gone when Kylo pulls Wylan's saber to him. Wylan turns quickly, eyes wide but a snarl escapes him.

"You were a sorry excuse for a Jedi and a worse Knight of Ren. You don't deserve this." Wylan won't be leaving _entirely_ unscathed.

Rage boils in Wylan's eyes, but he turns on his heel and stiffly walks out the door.

Kylo holds the saber in his hands, inspecting it. It's well crafted, far more stable than Kylo's own weapon. But it never had the same power as Kylo's.

He unclips his own saber and throws Wylan's in the air, arcing his fiery blade to neatly slice it in two. It falls to the floor and he looks down on the smoking remains of Wylan's lightsaber. He feels the tension leave him and he replaces his saber at his hip.

* * *

Preslan greets him at Rey's door with a little chirp. "Oh, I see. Done hiding, or is it that I feed you better?"

Kylo has taken to having his evening meal with the great gray beast. And if he orders an extra portion of meat instead of filling his bowl with kibble … well no one has to know.

Preslan winds between his legs, purring. Kylo smiles in spite of himself. He supposes the cat isn't really so bad. He goes to Rey's sitting room and flops on her settee. Knowing she'll be back allows him to simply enjoy being in her space and lose himself in memories. Oh, he's enjoyed so many delicious pleasures on this very piece of furniture.

He closes his eyes and remembers the first time he'd lost himself to the bliss of her taste. He still can't get over how much he enjoys it. He thinks he would like it even more than joining with her if he could hold her eyes as intently as he does when he makes love to her. There's something about falling into her eyes as he's simultaneously inside her body that transports him to a place of total peace and utter connection.

Preslan jumps up on his lap, pulling him from his erotic musings. He feels a bit foolish, the way he can get so lost in his daydreams. But it's so nice to be able to think about her without the panic and fear. He's watched her holo numerous times, any time the terror comes for him, and right now he's feeling remarkably safe.

He scratches the perhaps not so horrid beast under his chin and Preslan settles in to wait for the food to arrive.

* * *

Kylo nearly trips over Preslan as he walks to Rey's door. The cat keeps moving right where he intends to step. "She'll never forgive me if I step on you, stop it!" he exclaims.

Once he's to the door, Preslan starts to meow piteously. He looks down at the giant feline and sighs. He scoops him up and is rewarded with a rumbling purr.

As he makes his way to his quarters he grumbles to the infuriating cat in his arms, "Just for tonight."

* * *

"This is the last night. I mean it."

* * *

"Tomorrow you go back to her quarters."

* * *

"Fine, but you must never tell her and you _are_ going back before she comes home."

* * *

Kylo wanders his rooms, not quite sure what to do with himself. It's been days of arguing with the generals. He just can't get them to see sense and he's getting a little worried that they might cause real difficulty. He thought the Resistance would be the problem. He's traded a few messages with his mother and it sounds like things are going much better for her. He doesn't ask about Rey, but his mother does offer him a few tidbits. She's happy. She misses him. She caught Rey marking the days until they return.

He misses Rey, but it's not the paralyzing ache that plagued him. She's said she'll come back and he believes her. He only needs to be patient and she'll be back in his arms. Forever.

The thought is calming and he finds himself moving to his sanctuary. He goes to his cabinet of gifts and pulls out the wedding rings. He holds them in his palm and remembers how she'd looked at him when she'd found the precious tokens of all of his hopes and dreams. He shakes his head. He can't seem to find the place in himself that allowed him to capture her. How could he have done that? He took his beloved, kidnapped her, _caged_ her … what sort of monster does that to someone he professes to love? Yet, after all that, she's willing to come back to him.

He wonders if she knows how sorry he is, how he would give up the very Force in his veins if only he could go back to the forest on Takodana. Before he'd taken his own father's life. Before he'd terrified her. He used to like to tell himself that she was the one to instigate violence, that he was only ever defending himself but he sees now that he must have been a truly frightening specter to behold. Of course she'd shot at him.

He should have taken off his mask and approached her gently. Convinced her to leave with him. Gone to the edge of the galaxy and lost themselves in some anonymous city. But … that would have meant abandoning the systems and he knows it never would have worked. For either of them. His beloved light is not meant to be hidden, she is meant to shine, a beacon to all who come into her orbit.

Still, he's so full of regret. He barely recognized the man he allowed himself to become, the man who terrorized his Bond mate. The man he pushed himself to become, even as he knew he was losing his soul to Snoke. Memories, brutal memories tinged red, laugh from the edges of his consciousness. His training … Learning to kill without thought, destroy minds without mercy. Learning to twist himself until he became unrecognizable ...

Glancing over at Vader's mask he flinches. He remembers when Snoke had gifted him with the relic. Snoke had told him that he deserved to be rewarded for his _loyalty_. That he was the true successor to his grandfather's legacy.

Suddenly the melted mask makes his stomach twist. It's a symbol of how lost he became. It represents his gullibility. Hours spent on his knees, speaking with Snoke masquerading as his grandfather. He wonders … does his mother truly speak to him? Is he really Anakin again? Is that possible? Can you shed years of violence and horror and come back? Maker he hopes so.

He looks down into the vacant eyes of the mask and considers his own. He hasn't worn his mask since Rey woke up. He won't ever wear it again. He's done hiding from himself, hiding from his deeds.

Without really thinking about it, he finds himself gathering up the remnant of Darth Vader and making his way to his door. As he's about to pass through the durasteel panel, he stops and sees his own mask. It's as if he sees the cruel lines for the first time. And then he's taking that too.

* * *

"Hux," he barks into his comm as he strides to the hangar.

"Supreme Leader?" Hux responds after an unusually long moment. Well … it i _s_ the evening. Best not to think about it too deeply.

"I'm taking my TIE— I'll return by morning."

"Location?" His voice is a bit muffled, like he's holding his comm with his shoulder.

"I don't know. Track me if you like, but don't follow."

"Perhaps an escort, just as a precaution?"

"I think we both know I can handle myself."

There's a long pause before Hux responds, "Very good, sir."

* * *

It's late and there aren't very many personnel on duty. He's passing a clutch of stormtroopers who all stop what they're doing and stand at rigid attention. "As you were," he says with a wave of his hand.

But they don't relax, they stand firm, and slowly they all salute him. He cocks his head and approaches the highest ranking soldier.

He can feel that the man wishes to speak, but doesn't dare do so without him speaking first. "Is there something you wish to say, KS-5290?" The designation feels strange, _wrong_ , and he sees another step that must be taken.

"Just showing our respect, Supreme Leader."

"Well … noted," Kylo says with some discomfort. He continues to his TIE but when he looks over his shoulder he finds they've turned towards his ship. It's almost as if they're an honor guard and he doesn't know what to make of their behavior.

* * *

He flies, both masks stowed in the compartment behind him. He's not nearly so unstable as he was the last time he left the ship, but he's still unsettled. He's not really sure what he's going to do, but he feels an urgency in the Force that spurs him on.

Pulling up the navigation, he selects a small forested moon. It reminds him of the moon of Endor. It feels _right_ , like the Force is somehow pleased. He'd grown up on stories of how the Empire died on that green place. His parents had even taken him there when he was about 7. They'd wanted him to know his history … _their_ history.

He remembers his mother shushing his father when he'd pointed out a long-abandoned Ewok dwelling. He'd smirked and said, "What, the boy should know where-" He never finished the sentence as his mother had actually clapped her hand over his mouth. Now he has a fairly good idea what his father had been about to say.

The landing is smooth, the computer guiding him to a clearing. He pulls the masks from behind him and cradles them in his arms as he disembarks. He lands on his thick boots and looks around. The trees are impossibly high, some of them well over 300 feet tall. It's dusk here, a few hours off from the _Finalizer'_ sschedule. Then he's taking in the fallen logs and impressive canopy; he knows what he needs to do.

He walks into the forest until he finds a ring of trees. Again, the Force is speaking to him and he knows this is the place. Taking his saber he begins to split logs, making a pyre. By the time he's done, the sun has set. He pauses for a moment as he lifts his grandfather's mask and his own and looks down into the sunken eyes of both. For the first time he sees them as symbols of hate and pain, not power. It was _never_ about power. These masks hid _scars_. His grandfather's broken body and his own broken soul.

He places the helmets on the pyre and steps back. With both hands he reaches out, and soon the wood is burning, the Force assisted flame hot enough to melt metal, the fire licking at his past. He doesn't feel anger. He doesn't feel the hurt that put him on this path. Instead he feels peace. He doesn't have to hide himself ever again.

It takes a long time, but eventually the masks are reduced to charred bits and ash. He watches until the fire gutters out. He hasn't moved in hours, blinking in the firelight. As each bit of the masks were consumed, some of him was reclaimed. He doesn't need his mask and he doesn't need his grandfather's legacy.

He remembers how he'd felt when he'd wanted to die, when he couldn't face everything he'd done, that it had all been based on lies and manipulation. Dragging himself from the water he'd felt almost … clean. Free …

He knows, now, that he will never be free of his crimes. He doesn't want to be, not really. Forgiveness must be earned …

The last flame dies and he watches the smoke curl.

"Goodbye, Grandfather," he whispers.

It's time to return. He's done what needed to be done and now … now it's tomorrow. He finally turns away and starts trudging back to his ship.

As he re-enters the clearing he blinks, not quite sure what he's seeing. As he gets closer to his ship, he makes out a glowing, translucent form. He recognizes him immediately from the history records.

Anakin Skywalker is standing before him and he's … grinning?

* * *

Thank you to my brilliant betas! You both see different things and make me a much better writer. Thank you Juulna and CharlotteCAgain! You are just fantastic.

Thank you my amazing readers. This is such a very long story and it means so much to me that you're still here. We're coming to the final stretch, I think maybe six more chapters? Of course I thought this story would be 175K, so I might be way off. But the end is near and I'm extremely grateful to all of you who continue to read, follow, favorite, and leave reviews!


	69. Chapter 69

Kylo approaches the translucent figure slowly, not blinking. This … this is his _grandfather_ , the man he had idolized to the point of obsession, the man he'd warped his entire _life_ to emulate. And yet, he knows it's not. That that man was a creation of Snoke. He realizes he has no genuine idea who _this_ man is. He has stories. His uncle had tried to share with him what had happened on that day on the second Death Star.

Luke had told him that Darth Vader sacrificed himself to save his son, realizing that the Emperor had been wrong for all of those years. He snorts, seeing the parallel and shakes his head.

Anakin Skywalker smirks in return. "That about sums it up, doesn't it?"

"What does?" He's struggling to find purchase with this strange turn of events. He's always wanted to be face-to-face with his grandfather, and now that he is, he's utterly unmoored.

"Sometimes all you can do is laugh at yourself," his true grandfather explains.

Kylo's eyes narrow, wondering if he'd somehow known what he'd been thinking.

"Your face is an open book, kid. No need for me to go poking around in your head. I know this has to be, well, _weird_."

Kylo sobers, the slightly hysterical feeling fading, leaving him full of so many questions that he doesn't even know where to begin. "Why," he asks softly, "Why didn't you come to me, stop me?"

The casual air leaves the ghostly figure and his eyes grow infinitely sad. "I couldn't. You were too cloaked in the dark. You were chaos and fury. And, honestly, if you wouldn't listen to your father or _either_ of my children, why would you listen to some dead guy you'd never met?"

Kylo looks down and nods slightly. He's right. Kylo had been so ready to turn his back on his family then, full of pain and impotent rage. Snoke hadn't needed to try very hard, when it came down to it.

Vader—no, _Skywalker_ moves closer to Kylo. "Not sure if it's too late, but I _am_ proud of you."

Kylo looks up sharply, wary of this easy praise from someone he's only just met. That's not … that's not something he's used to.

Skywalker sighs. "Listen, kid … I never got to raise my children or play with my grandchild, but I've watched. I've watched for over 30 years now. I've spoken with your mother and uncle from time to time, but it's always painful for them. And so … I watch. It's all I have. All I deserve … I won't deny that you've broken my heart and lost me more than a few bets, but watching you this last year … you broke _away_. Something I almost didn't do before it was too late. It's … humbling. I had everything and threw it all away, you had nothing and came clawing back."

He can't quite accept this view of his actions. It feels too easy somehow. The confirmation that his uncle had told him the truth doesn't surprise him. Neither does the stab of pain at the reminder of Snoke's deep duplicity. "Was _anything_ Snoke told me true?" he asks with trepidation.

Skywalker nods and crosses his arms over his chest. "Oddly enough, most of it was. He just left out a few key details along the way. I _was_ born a slave, the Jedi Order left my mother behind … I _did_ think that absolute power was the answer to … order. I never really believed in peace because that wasn't something I could ever have myself. I was too angry, I just wanted everything to burn. I may have believed in something greater when I was younger, but I spent most of my life lost in my rage."

"Because of Padmé," Kylo says with dawning understanding. He knows a bit about how the yearning of the heart can rob you of all perspective.

Anakin breathes in sharply and his eyes clench shut. Finally he shudders out, "Yes, because of Padmé."

"Do you see her? Is she with you now?" Kylo asks hopefully. Before Rey, he'd never given his grandmother much thought, but once he'd met his Bonded, he'd understood what loving someone like that _means_. The idea of his grandparents parted for eternity is sharp and painful; he can't imagine being without Rey.

" _No_ ," Anakin says with finality, clearly unwilling to discuss it further. It hits Kylo right between the ribs and the need to see Rey is swift and intense. If he lost her … condemned to be forever in the Force without her … He can't think of it.

"I'm … sorry," Kylo offers, knowing it's wholly inadequate.

His grandfather nods. "I don't deserve her, simple as that. I'm not sure I ever did."

"I don't deserve Rey." He's always known this, but he's surprised by how easily the words come tumbling out.

"No, you sure don't!" The easy grin is back and the melancholy has passed. "But you're getting there."

"I … I'm trying." It's both extremely easy to speak to this man and profoundly … strange. It's like twin realities folding in on themselves. He has hours and hours of memories of speaking with the man he thought to be Darth Vader and to be talking to the actual man is heady and damned confusing. Kylo looks out on the trees, difficult to discern in the darkness.

"That's the difference between us. I just kept getting darker and darker, so dark I didn't even remember what the light felt like. You always felt it, pulling at you. Not me. I was immune for years."

Kylo turns back to this man who is nothing like he'd always imagined. "I think the pull I always felt, drawing me to the light … I think it was her. I think … I think she was calling to me."

Skywalker raises an eyebrow. "You sure are willing to put a whole lot on her shoulders. Has it occurred to you that maybe you've been changing because of yourself, not because of her?"

"No. She's changed me," Kylo says stubbornly.

His grandfather rolls his eyes. "You're changing yourself. I won't lie, she's an excellent incentive, but no … you're the one doing the work. _You_ are taking control. You're finally growing up, seeing how vast and complicated everything is."

"Not everything."

Anakin's glowing image cocks his head and raises his eyebrows in query.

"Rey. What I feel for Rey is simple. There's no gray there."

"No, I suppose there isn't." Then Skywalker is chuckling.

"What?" Kylo asks with a touch of suspicion.

"Oh, you should have heard old Obi-Wan go on when you first got your hands on your girl. You'd have thought she was his own kin!"

Kylo stiffens. "I never … I never …"

"Oh, I know that, but Obi-Wan is a prude and he didn't like his 'New Hope' being, how'd he put it? Right, 'Man-handled by some jumped up Vader wannabe thinking with the wrong saber.'"

Kylo finds himself blushing. It's a fairly accurate assessment of his state of mind at the time.

His grandfather chuckles to himself. "I had to listen to Obi-Wan recite ancient Jedi poetry for _hours_ after losing that bet. I never thought you'd just up and take her like that. I bet you'd be too scared of yourself to approach her at all." He shudders dramatically. "Jedi poetry is dry as dirt, not even any fun bits. Jedi and their _attachments_."

Kylo tilts his head. "How many of these bets have there been?"

"I lost count long ago. But I always believed in you, even if you kept making me lose." His grandfather smirks at him.

The idea that his grandfather had been watching him all this time, believing he could be … better … it's a strange feeling. Someone in his family _had_ believed in him. The reminder of his family brings him close to memories he tries to suppress but are always right there.

"My father … do you … is he …" Kylo doesn't know how to find the words. All he knows is he'd give almost anything to know that someday he might see him again.

Seriousness returns to his grandfather's expression. "No, I'm sorry … it's different for people who aren't Force sensitive. And not all Force sensitives stay the way that I and Obi-Wan have. But … I was watching then too, that day on _Starkiller_."

Kylo breathes in sharply. He'd killed his own father because he'd thought he had to, thought that Darth Vader demanded it of him. He remembers the first time 'Vader' told him what he expected him to do. Every fiber in his being had recoiled at the thought. It was _unnatural_. But he hadn't listened to that discordant feeling, had ignored his soul, bound and gagged as it was. He'd pushed through the violent wrongness because it was _necessary_.

His grandfather comes to stand next to him and they both look out into the night. There's something comforting about this man's solid presence. There isn't the ocean of betrayal he and his mother have only begun to traverse. There isn't the thrum of shame he feels underneath everything with Rey. It feels like … acceptance.

Finally, his grandfather says, "Your father … he may not be waiting for you on the other side, but I know he forgave you. I saw it. He knew what he was doing when he stepped out on that bridge. He knew that he failed you, that he was never able to be the father that you deserved. It was the only way he knew to atone. He knew the cost and he paid it willingly."

Kylo flinches and his throat grows painfully tight, choking regret pricking at his eyes. "He didn't deserve to die."

"No … he didn't. Your father was, when you get down to it, a simple man. He didn't do anything by halves. He was going to save you, no matter what the price. And he succeeded, from a certain point of view."

"But … how?"

"It was the crack. You may be Bound to Rey, but you never had to let her in. However, that sliver of doubt, she slipped right in and broke you wide open. Snoke pushed you too far and that made you vulnerable. I remember your blind devotion to him, but after your father … you never trusted him again. And somehow, you knew not to trust him when he was impersonating me. You never told him about Rey, in either guise."

The thought unfurls in his mind. His grandfather is right. He'd known—deep down to his marrow— that he'd had to hide Rey from Snoke. He'd never trusted Snoke fully, but to have kept something as monumental as the Bond from him would have been … unthinkable to his younger self.

But after killing his father, his eyes had slowly begun to open. It was the beginning of the schism. He tries to imagine what he would have done if Snoke had never forced him to take his father's life, if he'd only had the Bond to contend with.

He still would be consumed with hatred for the man who helped give him life. He'd have had no reason to doubt Snoke. He likely would have shared the Bond with his master, and then … A frisson of pure revulsion roils in his belly as he realizes what Snoke likely would have done. How he would have used Rey against him. Oh Maker, what might he have made him _do_?

But instead his most heinous act had left him broken and full of doubt. It was only the Bond that had kept him sane, her gentle light always just beneath the surface, healing him. Beckoning him. Showing him the way … home.

Kylo lets out a shaky breath. "You're right. You're right …"

"It has been known to happen, from time to time. Hear that Obi-Wan?" Skywalker calls out to the forest.

He turns to his grandfather, who shifts to look directly at him. He asks, "Why, why did you come tonight? I haven't been lost in the dark for some time. Why did you let me go on believing you'd been speaking to me for so long?"

Skywalker smiles gently. "Several reasons. The first was … lessons learned are always better than lessons taught. You were making your way through, all on your own. You didn't need me. I also wasn't entirely sure you'd believe me if I just popped up one evening in your quarters."

Kylo tries to imagine how he would have reacted before he'd come to terms with Snoke's lies and he has to admit that Anakin Skywalker is right. He'd been so deeply entrenched in his own denial that he likely would have gone even deeper into lying to himself. "What else?" Kylo prods.

"You were ready. Simple as that. You let Darth Vader go. And you let Kylo Ren go, too."

Kylo thinks about that and it doesn't feel quite right. "No … I am done with what Kylo Ren represents, but I don't think that makes me Ben Organa again. I don't know if I ever can be."

Skywalker considers him thoughtfully then shrugs. "It's just a name."

The thought is startling. He's put so much into what his name means. Kylo Ren killed Ben Organa, or so he thought. But Rey was right when she said he was still within him. He never went anywhere at all. Kylo had just tried to suppress the sensitive, love-starved boy he'd been. But Rey had still found him deep inside and drawn him out, giving him the affection and acceptance he'd so desperately craved.

Suddenly, his grandfather stiffens and looks at Kylo sharply. "Something's happening. You have to get back to your ship."

"What?" Kylo asks dumbly.

"No time, go!" Skywalker exclaims and in a blink of an eye, he's gone.

"Wait!" Kylo calls out, but he's speaking to thin air.

He stands there for a long moment, trying to figure out what just happened to him, then he's moving to his TIE, heeding his grandfather's warning.

* * *

As soon as he's within range of the _Finalizer_ his comm comes alive. "What is it?" he barks.

"Oh thank the Maker, where have you been?!" Hux all but shouts.

"I told you I'd be back in the morning, Hux," he growls.

"Yes, yes. That doesn't matter now. We're under attack, half the fleet has turned on the other!" Hux sounds panicked and that does nothing for Kylo's nerves.

"What?" Kylo gasps, his stomach sinking hard.

"Mutiny, nearly all ships are involved. Apparently the generals didn't care for your _peace plan_." Only Hux could get a dig in in the middle of a catastrophe.

Kylo checks the computer. He's due to come out of hyperspace any moment. It's too late to change the coordinates, he's going to come out right in the thick of it.

"How many ships is the _Finalizer_ facing?"

"Three: the _Janus_ , the _Zenith_ , and the _Tarkin_. The _Tarkin_ is holding back." The _Tarkin_ was Shree's ship … she'd been close with General Ulerion … perhaps … but there's no time to think about it, he's already shuddering back into normal space.

He's greeted with the _Finalizer_ firing all weapons on both ships, but it's obviously taken heavy damage. The other Star Destroyers are in much better shape. The _Tarkin_ isn't engaging and his senses are tingling with unease. Swarms of TIEs are defending the _Finalizer_ , shooting down blasts from the white streaks of the traitors' ion cannons.

That's …. strange. There doesn't seem to be any TIEs from the other ships, only the _Finalizer_. But it's not much help for his flagship, as it's clear they're barely holding their own. It's actually quite remarkable, but then again, Hux has always had a head for tactics. Usually it annoys him, but today he's quite grateful.

He's filled with relief that Rey isn't anywhere near this and he focuses on what he can do to assist his foundering ship. Landing on the _Finalizer_ in the midst of a pitched battle is out of the question.

A turbolaser from the _Janus_ locks on to his TIE and Kylo narrowly diverts it with the Force. His nostrils flare. Try to shoot down their Supreme Leader, will they? Well, we'll just see about _that_.

Without enemy TIEs to contend with, he brings his ship alongside the _Janus_. He closes his eyes and focuses on the Force, feeling it flowing, the entire ship's design blooming in his mind. He still marvels how easily the Force comes to his call, now, and somehow the months with Rey have sharpened his connection even further. One by one he begins to destroy their weapons. He crushes the turbolasers first, as he's too close to their hull for the ion cannons to reach him. As he renders their weapons into dust, he wonders what Rey will become as her training he's ripping the turrets from their durasteel perches. He doesn't care that these are First Order ships. _Enemy_ thunders in his head.

How dare they turn on him! How blind can they be! The time of the First Order is over, and it's time to do something new. Well, if they'd rather die than be part of a peaceful galaxy, so be it. He redirects the last ion cannon into the hull of the _Janus_ and grins with satisfaction as a gaping hole is blasted into their hull.

Within minutes, he's managed to incapacitate all of their weapons and he starts towards the _Zenith_. He'll show them precisely what happens when you betray Kylo Ren. But then he watches in horror as the _Janus_ picks up speed. Oh … oh no. It's going to ram the _Finalizer_.

For an excruciatingly long moment he watches the behemoth edge towards _his_ ship. He thinks of Kes, Shree … the rest of his knights … even _Hux,_ and the wave of helplessness is overwhelming.

But then he remembers when he'd managed to Force push the _Finalizer_ in a fit of jealous rage over Rey visiting Wylan and he realizes if he isn't able to replicate that feat, the _Finalizer_ is done for.

"Hux! The _Janus-_ "

"Yes, we see." Kylo overhears Hux snarl, "Evasive maneuvers!" to the bridge crew.

But the giant ships all move slowly, and it's like watching a sick dance. The _Zenith_ continues to fire on the _Finalizer_ and he watches impotently as a huge hole is ripped into the _Finalizer_ 's side, claiming countless lives.

Kylo again pulls the Force to him, opening his mind, his body, his whole being to the rich energy that defines everything. Reaching out with both hands, he pushes with all his might against the _Janus_. He can't do anything about the _Zenith_ and he just hopes the TIEs can keep another devastating pulse from making its way through.

The _Janus_ starts to shudder and veer slightly, but it's not _enough_. The engines are working against him. He digs deep, remembering how he'd been able to move the buildings on Eshara when he used his love for Rey. He imagines if she were still on the _Finalizer_ , how he would do anything to protect her. That this is _his_ ship, _his_ people. These are the men and women he's worked alongside for years. He owes them his protection.

He remembers the stormtroopers saluting him and thinks of all those people who never chose this life. The Force is growing and vibrating around him. The _Janus_ moves further off course and he's sweating profusely. This _must_ work.

Gasping and panting he gives one last mighty Force push and the _Janus_ barely misses the _Finalizer_. He slumps forward, breathing hard. But he hasn't time to recover, the _Zenith_ is still firing. But then a huge volley of cannon fire rains down on the _Zenith_. He cranes his neck but he can't see from his position. He checks the computer quickly and sees that the _Tarkin_ has joined the fray. But they're firing on the _Zenith_!He watches in confused awe as the new ally moves between the attacking ships and the _Finalizer._

He blinks, sure he's seeing things. TIEs pour out of the _Janus_ and begin to fire on their mother ship and the _Zenith_. What in the Force is going on?

"Hux are you-"

"We just received communication from the _Tarkin._ It's the stormtroopers. They've taken control. And, wait, something's coming in from the leader of the _Janus's_ TIE squadron. There's open rebellion on the _Janus_. They're fighting their way to the bridge and have already taken the hangars."

Kylo sits back in his ship and breathes out slowly. The stormtroopers.

The generals never saw them coming.

* * *

He bursts onto the bridge and strides up to Hux. The ginger general's hair is mussed and his uniform is askew. If he didn't already know things were under control, he'd be profoundly alarmed.

Hux doesn't say anything for a moment and Kylo is about to demand a report when the general says, "I never should have questioned you about the stormtrooper program."

This is not what Kylo had been expecting to hear and it throws him for a moment. Hux continues, "Apparently they rebelled on all the ships involved in the attempted coup. They've taken control of almost every ship. We lost two, one with all hands. The stormtroopers destroyed it themselves to keep it from attacking the loyal fleet."

Kylo stands there, slack-jawed. He has no idea what to say, what to even think. The stormtroopers? The depth of their loyalty leaves him feeling a bit light-headed.

Then his brain starts working again. "I want to send a message to the entire fleet. And I already know you won't like what I'm going to say to them, so don't even bother to fight me. Oh, and get Finn and Kes up here."

"Yes, sir," Hux says warily.

* * *

Once the recording equipment is ready, Kylo stands, flanked by Finn and Kes. "The First Order, the _galaxy,_ owes our stormtroopers a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid. But I promise you that I— _we_ —will do everything we can to try …"

* * *

"I can't believe you just did that," Finn exclaims, eyes large with shock.

"It was time," Kylo mutters.

"You promised to find everyone's families, that their—our—records will become public. You basically freed your entire fighting force," Finn says excitedly.

"I am aware," Kylo nearly growls.

"Hey, it's a good thing! I'm impressed. Rey won't believe me when I tell her." Finn is shaking his head and grinning.

"I imagine she'll hear before she returns."

"Yeah, good point. This is gonna light up the holonet."

Kylo groans at the thought and rubs his eyes. He's just created an utter logistical nightmare and he knows Hux is going to be absolutely apoplectic. Luckily Hux had rushed to the bridge as soon as they'd finished broadcasting, no doubt to try and bring some order to the chaos Kylo knows he's created.

He feels a million years old and he's missing Rey especially. He would have liked for her to have been with him for this. He hopes she'll be proud of him.

He looks around the room and sees Kes standing strangely still at the edge. He approaches her slowly. "Kes?"

She blinks, clearly very far away. "Yes, sir? I mean Kylo."

"Are you … are you alright?"

"I just … I know you said you wanted to make real changes … I just never thought …" Her hands flail.

Kylo stiffens. "I would never lie to you."

"No! I know, I meant … it's just … it's hard to believe this is really happening."

"The stormtroopers had no reason to show me loyalty like that, and yet they did. They proved themselves to be much more capable of independent thought than I think any of the leadership, myself included, ever thought possible. If that doesn't mean it's time, I don't know what else would."

"But … what will happen? Without the stormtroopers … nothing will function."

"My hope is that many will choose to stay. We're going to let First Order worlds choose, why not our most important citizens?"

Kes thinks for a moment then nods. "You're right. Many will choose to stay, I think. They don't really have anywhere to go."

"We'll fix that, too. It will take time, a complete overhaul of … well … everything. But today I think they proved, no earned, my trust. They chose peace today, and if that doesn't deserve my gratitude and respect, I don't know what would."

Finn joins them then and smiles at Kes. The former stormtrooper tentatively puts his arm around her and she moves into his loose embrace. It's bittersweet. Kylo misses Rey but he won't begrudge them their happiness. He silently moves away.

* * *

"You do realize what you've done, don't you?" Hux accuses.

Kylo stifles yet another sigh. "Yes, I do."

"The Resistance has very little reason to even bother to negotiate with us now. You've managed, in less than two weeks mind you, to utterly destroy the First Order from the inside out."

"Well maybe it deserved to be destroyed!" Kylo snaps.

Hux's eyes flash and his lips form a thin line. "You don't truly believe that."

"Maybe I do! Maybe everything we tried to do was built on a rotten foundation. At least now the Resistance is truly listening. From what my mother is saying, they're agreeing to nearly all of our proposals. Even the Galactic Senate! They want change, too."

"But if they attacked us now we'd be in shambles after you basically packed the stormtroopers' bags and invited them to leave!"

"They won't. They've proven their loyalty and don't you dare question it!" Kylo bellows.

Hux's nostrils flare and he breathes heavily. Finally he says, "Fine. Yes, alright, that was … unexpected. But that doesn't change that there's barely any command structure on half of our ships. We'd go down without much more than a shudder if the Resistance decided to take advantage of our weakened state."

"But they won't. No one wants to see this chance fail. The New Republic didn't work. New Empire didn't work either. Most of the galaxy sees that. It's time for something truly new and I believe it will still come to fruition."

Hux cocks his head and narrows his eyes. "You aren't known for having a head for diplomacy … sir."

"No, but I'm an Organa, leading the galaxy is what we _do_."

"As you say, sir."

* * *

He's finally back in his quarters, absently petting Preslan. Too much has happened and he hadn't slept the night before. He's not even sure how to untangle meeting Anakin Skywalker. A coup … his generals—well, half of them—had truly turned on him. It should hurt, but instead he's almost relieved. The old guard identified themselves and new leadership is stepping up. Three Star Destroyers are currently commanded by _stormtroopers_. It's still almost impossible to believe.

Preslan nudges his chin and chirps. "No, you've already had _two_ bantha steaks, that's quite enough."

He's about to pull the huge creature into his lap when he feels frantic fluttering along the Bond. He immediately opens to her. If, after everything, something has happened to her …

"Kylo!" screams into his head.

"Rey! What is it, are you hurt?" Panic overwhelms his system and he's instantly on his feet, Preslan pushed aside with an indignant howl. Rey seems so frightened.

"What? No! Are _you_ alright? I just heard what happened!"

The spike of adrenaline has left his heart racing and he tries to calm down. Rey's alright, she's safe. "I'm fine, sweetheart."

"Oh it's so nice to hear you call me that," she almost sighs across their connection. "But … the _Finalizer_ was nearly destroyed … is everyone else okay?"

"Well, no. We lost quite a few good stormtroopers and officers. Two of your old guards, I'm afraid. But all the knights are accounted for and Kes and Finn are safe and sound."

"Oh … that's … is it selfish of me to be relieved that everyone I love is alright?"

"No, darling, no … it's perfectly natural."

"I was so scared … Leia told me you were fine, but I just … I couldn't believe it until …"

"I understand, I do. I was so grateful you weren't here. If you'd been on the ship … I don't think I could have functioned. Oh, Rey, I love you."

"I love _you_. Maker, Kylo … just knowing you were in danger … I was so angry with myself for leaving. If you'd died and-"

"Hush. You did the right thing."

"You aren't angry?" Her voice sounds small and afraid.

"No … no. Never. I understand why you left the way you did. I was hurt until I saw your holo, then it all made so much sense. I'm exceptionally lucky that you'll only be gone for a little while."

"It doesn't _feel_ like a little while," she admits.

"No … no it doesn't."

"I miss you."

Kylo smiles. "You must know how much I miss you."

She doesn't say anything, but a bubble of joy passes through the Bond. "Now," he says. "Tell me about your travels."

He settles into his couch and his eyes drift closed as he basks in her light in his heart and her voice in his head.

* * *

Thank you to my brilliant betas. When you both point out something I KNOW I really dropped the ball! Thank you for your time and constancy, my friends, Juulna and CharlotteCAgain.

Thank you readers! Thank you everyone for continuing to read! Every follow, favorite, and review makes writing so worth it.

Oh, and I'm sincerely sorry that chapter 69 had no lemons. I can't tell you how grouchy this makes 12-year-old Perry.


	70. Chapter 70

He wakes slowly and finds he's exceptionally stiff. Then he feels her. She's still with him? He'd fallen asleep tangled with her through the Bond and he still feels her blissful light.

"Sweetheart?" he sends gently.

There's a light pulse, but no response and he realizes she's still sleeping. He stretches languidly, trying to work out the kinks in his back. Clearly he'd slept very deeply.

He lays there for a while, just enjoying feeling Rey's energy. The Bond is fully open and he senses her dreams. They're colorful and bright … safe. He wonders if his presence has soothed her.

Reluctantly, he pulls himself from bed, idly contemplating how long she'll sleep. Their hours are off, it had been her dinner hour when he'd finally nodded off. She'd told him she'd stay with him while he slept. He never expected her to stay the whole night. The trust she's showing him with her mind leaves him breathless.

With her sleeping, he could steal into her and take all her secrets, but he knows he won't do that. Perhaps once he might have. No … he _knows_ he would have. He was so desperate for everything he could get his hands on, but now he won't abuse her faith in him. It's far too dear.

The ever-near panic is dormant. Somehow, knowing that she'll be back in a few days has calmed him. He was able to simply enjoy her without constantly questioning everything, and he feels … content.

After such a tumultuous 24 hours, meeting Anakin Skywalker, the mutiny, it's such a relief to simply _be_. He knows he still has a great deal to think about, particularly as it concerns his grandfather. He thinks … he thinks he may have to seek out his _uncle_. It may be time to actually listen to what the old man has to say.

But first, there's so much to _do_. He's done leaving it all to Hux. He wants to ensure that his promises to the stormtroopers are heeded. It's no longer enough for him to make proclamations and just assume it will be done. He wants to be _involved_.

He really should get ready and go to the bridge, so he makes his way to the 'fresher and turns on the shower.

The warm water feels wonderful against his sore muscles and he rubs at his shoulders. He imagines how lovely it would be if Rey were with him. The fantasies are spinning and he feels himself respond. It's very tempting to give in, take himself in hand with Rey's light weaving through him.

He doesn't think she'd mind, but it also seems like he shouldn't make such assumptions so he ignores it. He's lathering himself up when he feels her stir.

Her waking is a slow revealing of her conscious mind. It's almost like music. Quiet at first, then she's like a crescendo as she comes fully awake.

"Oh!" she exclaims.

"Good morning, beloved."

"You're … naked."

"Mmmhmm," he teases as her presence stokes his want.

"Were you …"

"No, darling. I'm just in the shower. Though if you wanted to … help me, I wouldn't be opposed," he says suggestively.

He feels her arousal swell, then it dampens quickly. "Uhm, Maker that sounds _so_ good, but I'm not alone."

" _What_?" He tries to keep the possessiveness from his tone, but she's sure to have felt it. Why isn't she sleeping alone? Kes is here on the _Finalizer_. He pushes down his suspicion, shoving away faceless men and wandering hands. Rey would never do that to him. He knows she wouldn't. There is a perfectly innocent explanation.

"Kylo …" There's such disappointment flowing through her.

"I'm sorry, it just surprised me." He manages not to demand an explanation.

"Leia knows about my trouble sleeping. She offered to have me share a room with another Resistance member. A _woman_. Her name is Jessika, she's very nice." There's defiance laced around every word.

"Has her presence helped with your nightmares?" he asks, hoping to move on from his misstep.

"Not really. Last night was the first time I've slept properly since I left."

"Oh sweetheart … soon, I will chase them away every night."

He feels her smile through the Bond. "I know you will."

"And … I'm sorry that I worried, even for a moment. I know … I know I still have work to do."

"No, it's alright. I would have probably reacted the same way."

The thought appalls him, just the idea makes his stomach turn. "I would never-"

"I know, that's my point. I know you wouldn't. But if you'd said you weren't sleeping alone … well, I probably should have phrased it differently. It's fine. I'm not mad at you."

"Thank you," he sends softly. "It must be very early for you. I'm sorry if I woke you."

"No … I'm glad. I'm glad to have a few minutes with you all to myself. I imagine today will be very busy."

"Yes … in fact …" He doesn't want to go, he almost wants to ask her to just stay with him, but he knows he must focus. There's so much work to do after the attacks and the visit with his real grandfather is just at the edges. He hasn't even told Rey; he doesn't really know how to find the words. He wishes he could just push it all away and get lost in her, like he used to.

"It's time. I know. Finish your shower. I _really_ wish I was alone."

His cock twitches hopefully and he groans. "You have no idea how much I wish you were here."

"Oh, I have a pretty good idea." Then she projects a memory of herself riding him hard and he whimpers helplessly.

"You are an evil woman."

"Good luck today. I love you," she sends brightly.

"I love you, Rey …"

He feels her withdraw, leaving him with a burst of affection and another deliciously debauched memory. This one was of the first time she'd taken him into her mouth. Force, he's going to make sure neither of them walk properly for a _week_ as soon as he gets his hands on her delectable body again.

Kylo begins to rinse himself off and glares down at his erection.

* * *

He's making decent headway in the mountain of reports when his comm chirps. "Kes is here to see you, sir," Hux informs him.

Ah, excellent timing. He wants her advice on a few things anyway. "Send her in."

Kes enters his office and smiles slightly. He beckons her to sit.

"I was hoping you might help me with something," she begins.

"You've more than earned my assistance."

Kes nibbles at her bottom lip for a moment. "Well … Rey once told me that Finn has a brother in the stormtrooper program. I was hoping you could find him?"

Kylo suppresses the stab of pain at the reminder of when he'd invaded Kes's mind. He remembers how he'd stolen Kes and Rey's conversation about Finn's brother. He's a bit annoyed at himself for not thinking of looking for the man sooner. "I'll contact the analysts right away."

"Thank you …" But she doesn't relax, instead she's looking around nervously.

"Was there something else you wanted to ask?"

"I … I was going to ask …"

"Yes?"

She looks down, twisting her fingers in her lap. Finally she murmurs, "Would you … would you maybe find out if I have … if I have a family?"

He sits back in his chair and now instead of annoyed, he's _angry_ with himself. She shouldn't have had to ask. "Yes, of course I will. I'm sorry you even needed to bring it up. I should have … I should have looked into this a long time ago. I'm sorry."

Her eyes flit up and she shrugs. "It's alright."

"No, it isn't. We'll find them Kes. Whatever it takes, we'll find them."

There is a quiet glow in her eyes that makes him think of Rey and he hopes Kes isn't bound for the same disappointment.

"Thank you … Kylo."

She still has trouble saying his name, but he's warmed that she's trying.

* * *

Once Kes leaves, he grabs his comm and contacts the head of Sector 5. He's a jovial man who has always made Kylo inexplicably nervous. His joyful nature is at odds with his position and the First Order in general. His department digs deep into the data and often has to make recommendations that mean the loss of millions— _billions_ —of lives. It was Sector 5 that did the analysis that resulted in selecting the Hosnian System. But Director Yatall is a scattered, friendly man who never seemed to notice Kylo's glowering ways.

"Director Yatall," he says neutrally.

"Supreme Leader! How can we be of assistance," Yatall says eagerly.

"I'm sending a request that I want given top priority. Two stormtroopers. I need to know everything about their families. One, formerly known as FN-2187 has a brother serving as a stormtrooper. I need to know what ship. The other is KS-2153, also known as Kes. Anything you can find, as soon as possible."

"After yesterday's announcement I'm sure we'll be processing a lot of these requests."

"Well, yes. I imagine so … anyway-"

"Sir, before you go, we finally have that information you requested about a baby girl named Tren from Preslan."

He goes perfectly still. Rey … he'd asked for any information on her family. After everything that had transpired with Rey's mother, Kylo had let the whole matter drop. He'd completely forgotten about his request.

He's silent and Yatall continues, "I do apologize for the length of time it took. One of our analysts went a little above and beyond. He's new. He was _supposed_ to just provide the initial findings but … well … the ship does talk and we … we figured out that this was about … Lady Rey. So he dug deep and I hope you'll forgive him in light of the results."

His heart thuds in his chest. Does Rey have more living family? What if it's just another utter disaster?

"Go on," Kylo says with no inflection.

"Well, he found several possible family members, Tren is such a common name of course. So … well I'm afraid he took it upon himself to … contact them," Yatall says hurriedly. Perhaps he's not quite so unaffected now that Kylo is Supreme Leader.

"And?" Kylo prods, vague threat in his tone.

"Most had no relation, but … he found her maternal grandparents … sir."

Kylo immediately thinks of all the ways this can go wrong. Perhaps they're the reason Lann Tren ended up on the spice in the first place. Maybe they're just like Rey's mother. Perhaps Rey is the exception. He won't bring Rey more pain, he _won't_ … but now that he knows this he can't possibly keep this from her. Why didn't he think to rescind the order?

"Sir?" Yatall enquires when the silence goes on too long.

"What else did this intrepid analyst find?"

"Well … he … ah … he's been … corresponding with the grandmother. He hasn't revealed anything about the Lady Rey of course," he rushes to say when he hears Kylo's growl. "He told her that he was reviewing old cases as part of routine First Order procedure. It would seem they've been looking for her for the past 20 years. They last saw her when she was a few months old. They've been searching ever since … but they're of limited means. Sir."

Rey has grandparents. Grandparents that _want_ her. He doesn't know what to do with this news.

"I want to see this eager young analyst in my office _immediately_."

"Yes, sir …"

* * *

The boy standing in front of him can't be a day over 18 but looks closer to 15. He's all gangly limbs and awkward angles. He's of average height and his eyes are bulging with fear.

"I'm sorry Supreme Leader! I just find a trail and I have to find out everything … I can't help myself." He fidgets with the hem of his jacket.

"Hmm." Kylo stands and strides to the nervous young man.

"It's why they recruited me so early … usually it's ah … uh … a good thing," his voice trails off into a whisper.

"What's your name?" Kylo asks softly. He suddenly doesn't want to intimidate this poor boy. Perhaps he's even a bit grateful to him.

"Corell Bast, Analyst Third Class, sir."

"Well, Analyst Bast, while I do wish you'd stuck to protocol, you've uncovered some very interesting information. Tell me everything you found."

Kylo expects him to pull out a datapad, but instead he simply stands a bit straighter and begins to talk. "Perin and Gallya Tren, aged 82 and 73 years, respectively. Parents of Lann Tren, their only living child. They ran a small nursery specializing in local flora. The grandmother, Gallya, also fixed speeders to supplement their income. They're now living on a pension provided by the First Order. I suspect that she still does some work on the side to fund their continued search but … I thought we might overlook that given the reason … sir."

"Yes, of course. You said living child?"

"They also had another daughter, elder than Lann by four years. She died when she was 6."

"I see. Anything else?"

"Gallya is very intelligent, has never given up looking for Lady Rey."

"And you're sure they don't know of her connection to me, you didn't let anything slip?" The last thing he wants is for Rey to decide she doesn't want to meet them and have them come knocking at their door, anyway.

"No, sir! But … I wanted to make sure that they really were her grandparents before filing my report. It's nearly done."

Kylo looks down on the young man, who has relaxed considerably as he recounted another piece of Rey's history. He's impressed with Analyst Bast.

"Finish your report. Have it sent to me directly. You're dismissed."

"Thank you, sir!" he says as he scrambles out the door.

Kylo sends a request to Sector 5 that Analyst Bast be put in charge of finding Finn's brother and Kes's family.

* * *

"This is really happening," Hux remarks.

"Yes. General Organa has secured the Resistance's agreement. Apparently the actions of the stormtroopers and our subsequent response convinced them.

"You mean when you gave away the store?"

"Hux," Kylo growls warningly.

"I still think moderation was the better course of action."

"Yes, well as the bantha has already left the barn, there's not much reason to discuss it."

"Yes, sir," Hux says mulishly.

"I want Phasma put in charge of organizing the search for the stormtroopers' families. The Resistance has already pledged their assistance. Now that we are no longer at war, our respective analysts may be put to this task."

"You're just going to trust them, after years of war?" Hux asks with an appalled tone.

Kylo thinks for a moment. Much as he wants to do just that, Hux isn't wrong. "You make a fair point … split resources. Continue to monitor the Resistance, information gathering only."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

For days he's been working tirelessly. Rey comes to him every night and they're both finally sleeping. He's going to wait to tell her about her grandparents until he can do so in person. He's made enormous headway, delegating much of the restructuring to trusted officers and he's feeling quite satisfied. He'd thrown himself into planning and had managed to ignore the rising hurricane of questions at the back of his mind. He hasn't wanted to think about Anakin Skywalker.

But now … Rey will be back tomorrow and he knows he has to truly think about … Grandfather and the mess that Snoke created. He hadn't had the chance to ask Anakin Skywalker about how he really died. Which story is true? Did his uncle kill him or did he sacrifice himself? He suspects that Luke Skywalker had always been telling him the truth and that grates on him. It's just another reminder of Kylo's gullibility.

Kylo paces in his sitting room. It's so tempting to reach out to Rey, to distract himself … or perhaps talk about it with her. She always knows just what to say, just how to soothe him. But he keeps thinking about what his grandfather said. That he puts so much on her shoulders.

He does. He knows he does. He falls apart at her feet, desperate for her to put him back together. And she always does. She reaches out with her hands and her heart and stitches all of his badly made pieces back into something approaching functional. But that's not fair to her … not really. She deserves a whole man, not this odd assortment of half-formed pieces.

Breathing in sharply, he goes to his door. He knows what he has to do.

* * *

"Nephew," Skywalker says as if Kylo was expected. But he can still discern surprise in the old man's eyes.

"Uncle," Kylo says with a slight growl.

His uncle tilts his head then steps back, welcoming Kylo into his rooms.

Kylo sweeps past Skywalker into the familiar layout. Like the knights' quarters and most officers', it's a single room with a sitting area and a bed behind a partition. Skywalker has pushed all the furniture to one side and a single pillow sits in the middle of the quarters. Kylo almost rolls his eyes. A couch is apparently too comfortable for the austere Jedi.

Going over to the clutch of furniture, Skywalker pulls off another cushion and puts it opposite the one already on the floor. He sits, cross-legged and gestures that Kylo should join him.

"I prefer to stand," Kylo says stubbornly.

"And as I prefer not to crane my neck, sit."

Kylo's lips thin into a hard line. He doesn't like being ordered about.

"Now I know how Yoda felt. Sit, boy!"

Kylo nearly turns on his heels and leaves at that, but … he needs to know, finally know the truth.

Skywalker sighs. "I know you've spoken with my father. Please … Kylo."

Kylo looks at him sharply. There was an odd respect in his tone, acknowledgement in choosing not to call him Ben, but it all feels wrong. He's not Ben … he hasn't been Ben in a very long time. But his chosen name falling from his uncle's lips is jarring and unsettles him.

Finally, Kylo drops to the ground gracefully, taking the old, familiar pose of meditation.

He holds his uncle's clear blue eyes. He watches as regret and hope move like the sea in their depths. Kylo's shoulders drop and he lets out a slow breath.

"So he told you, then, that he came to me?" Kylo asks.

"Yes, he told me. But he wouldn't say much else, said your secrets are your own. What happened?"

Kylo looks at his hands, clasped in his lap. Not quite able return his uncle's gaze, Kylo says, "I … I got rid of Vader's mask. My mask too."

"I see."

"I'm sure you don't. They needed to be put to rest … I went to a forest … built a pyre …" he trails off, not having the words to explain the extraordinary night.

Skywalker's voice is strange when he says, "A pyre?"

"Yes … I used to Force."

"You used lightning?" his uncle asks sharply.

Now Kylo does look up and sees oh so familiar disapproval marring Skywalker's face. "No!" Kylo spits. "I enhanced the flames with the Force, otherwise they never would have been hot enough." Kylo swiftly gets to his feet and snarls, "If you think I'd use the dark side to … to close that door, why did you bother staying? I suppose it's a relief to know that you'll always doubt me."

Luke's eyes close tightly and when he opens them the regret is piercing. But Kylo refuses to be moved.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I … I have no excuse. I can only beg you to please sit back down. I have as much to unlearn about you as I do to learn. Please … Nephew."

Kylo breathes heavily through his nose, his chest rising and falling forcefully. He knew this wouldn't be easy and he decides he won't run from this. Stiffly, he retakes his seat.

"Thank you," Luke murmurs. Kylo only nods once in response. "You destroyed the helmets …"

After a long silence, Kylo finally continues, "Yes. I know Vader … the Vader I knew was never real and … Kylo Ren was his creation. It felt … right."

"I'm proud of you," Luke says gently.

"I didn't do it for you," Kylo grinds out.

"No … but I'm proud of you all the same."

Kylo's jaw clenches, but he keeps speaking. "Then … Anakin Skywalker came to me … Grandfather. He told me he'd always been watching but that he couldn't appear to me until I was ready."

"Yes … I used to beg him to go to you …"

"You did?" Kylo asks, shock in his tone.

"Of course I did. We never gave up hope … well … no, maybe I did. But not your mother."

The mention of his mother softens something inside him, and then he thinks of how much he's hurt her. It would be so easy to fall into self-loathing, but he reminds himself that there are things he must know, perhaps even say, and he can't fall apart just now.

"What happened, the night … Grandfather died?"

"It was just as I told you years ago."

"Tell me again."

Luke sighs and his eyes grow weary. "I went to Darth Vader … I thought I could convince him to come with me, to leave the dark side. I could sense the light in him. But … he refused. He took me to the Emperor instead. I almost gave in, to save your mother and father … the Rebellion. In the end though, I didn't. I almost killed my father, but I decided to die instead."

Kylo knew this. But hearing it again with his new perspective he's filled with conflict. He would use _anything_ at his disposal to save Rey. The dark side, the light side, it wouldn't matter to him. He wonders, not for the first time, about the Jedi's aloof ways.

"You truly thought it better to let everyone die than to use the dark side?"

"I was a boy, Ben. Everything was black and white. I wouldn't change anything now because it brought my father back … but … you're right. It never occurred to me that I could use the dark side and come back. I knew so little then …"

Kylo waits for Luke to continue but he doesn't, obviously lost in thought. "What happened next?"

Luke blinks a bit and his eyes again grow focused. "You know, I told you years ago."

"Tell me again. Please."

Luke shrugs slightly. "My father threw the Emperor down a shaft. He was hit with a great deal of lightning in the process. His body couldn't handle it. I'd … I'd nearly killed him before I realized the dark was consuming me. I almost killed my own father … but in the end … he saved me."

Kylo is thrown sharply into the memory of how it felt to plunge his saber into his father's heart, the sensation of his hand on his cheek is so strong it almost feels real. But he focuses on his breathing and his uncle's pained eyes. His hands clench into fists, and he stays in the present.

Luke's expression becomes compassionate and he reaches across the distance, putting his hand on Kylo's shoulder. "Han forgave you."

"I know," Kylo says lowly. "I didn't … don't deserve it, but I know."

Luke gives his shoulder a light squeeze and lets go. "And now … tell me, what happened to you? What did Snoke tell you happened to my father?"

Kylo's spine goes rigid. He hadn't wanted to share anything. He'd just needed to know how his grandfather really died. So much of his loathing of Luke Skywalker was entrenched in believing he'd murdered his grandfather, taken him from him. Oh, he has vast stores of disappointment, but Snoke had stoked that to a burning hatred.

"He told me you killed him, the Emperor as well. He said you cut off his head, that it never mattered to you that he was your father. He said all you saw was the dark side."

"You know that's not true now, yes?"

"Yes, I do." Patricide is reserved for Kylo alone.

"What else … what else did Snoke tell you? Please … Nephew … tell me what he did to you."

His uncle's pleading tone catches Kylo off guard and suddenly his throat is tight. The way he talks, as if Kylo were a victim. That something was done _to_ him. He suddenly feels like that lost boy at the Academy.

And so, Kylo begins to speak.

* * *

Kylo drags himself back to his quarters. Maker, he's _tired_. He'd told his uncle everything. The manipulation. The lies. The _seduction_. He feels like a raw wound.

Luke … his _uncle_ had finally behaved the way he'd always wanted. He'd listened, truly listened. He'd made Kylo feel _seen_. He'd expressed profound regret and more responsibility than Kylo thinks he really should have felt. At the end of the day, _Kylo_ had made the choice to join Snoke. _Kylo_ had chosen to bury his humanity and welcome the power Snoke offered. Because Kylo has come to believe that it was never the dark side. It was what he _did_ with it.

He misses Rey, but he doesn't really feel like he deserves her comfort right now. She'll likely reach out for him soon. He won't shut her out, but he's conflicted about speaking with her. She'll feel his turmoil and he doesn't have the words. How can he explain that he's peeled away so many layers, and what he's found leaves him … ashamed.

He'd cloaked himself in justifications, everything was _necessary_. He turned his back on his family because it was what they deserved. But now that he's no longer lying to himself, all there is is a lost man who must face years of horrible, misguided, _wrong_ actions.

There's nowhere to hide, now. Just … him. And he doesn't even know what to call himself. He's a nameless man with his hands full of sins. He doesn't deserve her, yet he'll still genuflect at her feet.

So he hopes that perhaps she won't come to him tonight. He doesn't know how to face her.

* * *

He's just finished his meal, Preslan happily eating what Kylo could not when he feels her.

She crashes into his head with boundless enthusiasm. "Kylo!"

He flinches at the name but gently sends, "Hello, my love."

"What's wrong?" she asks immediately.

As he'd known, she'd felt his turmoil. It's just too close to the surface to hide from her. Besides, he's done hiding things from her.

"I've been thinking a great deal, that's all."

"About what?" Suddenly he feels fear so cold it makes him gasp. "Do you not want me to come home?" she asks.

He can't think through the conflict of the feelings she's inspired. She thinks of the _Finalizer_ as home? She thinks he could ever not want her back? He's trying to make his way through when he feels a desolation so deep it makes it hard to breath. He can almost see that abandoned, brilliant girl begging her mother to come back.

"Stop, Rey, stop. Whatever you're thinking, you're _wrong_. I want you with me more than anything."

"Then what is it? You're clearly not alright." He feels her doubt cut through him.

"I … I want to talk to you about it, very much. But I want to wait until you're here. I want … I want to hold you … feel you hold _me_ when I tell you."

Her fear has only slightly abated so he tries again. "It's nothing to do with you or with us. These two weeks without you … without being able to bury myself in your light, I've had to face much of my past. I've made some changes, had several conversations with my uncle … I hope … I hope you will be proud of me. But it has been … difficult. I promise, I'll tell you everything. Just let me be touching you when I do?"

"You won't keep anything from me? Not like before?"

"No, darling, _no_. I will never keep anything from you ever again. I just need to feel you under my hands when I explain."

Her fear has receded and is replaced with a yearning warmth. "I want to touch you too. I understand. Tomorrow."

"Yes, tomorrow."

There's a long pause as they tangle and twine together. It's not touching her, but it's almost as good. The Bond is humming with pleasure and his conflict is lost to the waves of blissful connection. He gently probes and finds her fear has fully abated.

"It feels like it's been a lifetime since I've seen you," she pushes across the distance.

"I know. I want to hold you and never let go." He has visions of taking his meetings with Hux with Rey nestled in his lap.

"I hope you'll do more than hold me …" He can almost feel her eyebrows lift suggestively.

"Oh, I plan to do _far_ more than hold you, my darling, wicked girl."

"Yeah?"

"Yes," he growls along the Bond.

"Tell me what you're going to do first …"

"Well ..."

* * *

She'd not stayed with him, both of them wanting a little space before her arrival. Somehow, it feels like the beginning and it had just felt right. He hadn't panicked and she hadn't questioned that he still wants her. They'd said goodnight and now it's the next morning.

The Resistance is due to arrive just after mid-day and Kylo is a live-wire of energy. He can't settle. He's going to see Rey again! He's going to hold her, kiss her, feel her against him and he never has to let her go again.

He's pacing around his office, wondering if he should have done something to mark her arrival. But the chaos of the First Order has made that nearly impossible. And when should he tell her about her grandparents? Right away? Before or after he tells her about his grandfather? Would it be alright to wait until after he has her naked? He's all a jumble and he's probably a mess to look at.

The bridge. He'll walk the bridge. That will help. He's made his first circuit when Hux joins him. "Sir, if I might have a word?"

Kylo looks at him quizzically, but doesn't object and they go into Kylo's office.

Once the door is closed, Hux says, "For Maker's sake man, I have everything under control for the next few hours. You're obviously useless. Go, prepare for her arrival. Pester the kitchens for treats for her, make sure her bloody plants are perfect. Frankly, I don't care. Just get off my bridge."

Kylo stares at him uncomprehendingly. On some level he knows that Hux has been extremely disrespectful, but most of him just wants to go and do just as the ginger irritant has commanded.

To hell with it, Hux is right.

Rey is coming _home_.

* * *

A/N: Thank you to the most rockin' betas in the land, Juulna and CharlotteCAgain. I got it to you super late and yet you both turned it around super fast. Thank you and I'll do better next time.

Thank you readers! I'm sorry Rey didn't end up coming back this chapter, but it will be the very first scene in the next. My nephew is coming to visit next weekend, so I think it's unlikely that I'll get a chapter posted next Monday. Thank you all for continuing to give this story your time! I so appreciate each and every one of you!


	71. Chapter 71

Kylo taps his fingers against his thigh rapidly. He's standing in the hangar, waiting for her ship. Well, the Resistance's ship. But it's carrying Rey, and that's all he really cares about. That's not true, his mother is on there too … and he does want to see her, but all he can focus on is _Rey_.

He'd rushed down here as soon as he'd received word that they were coming out of hyperspace. Now he's watching eagerly for the first glimpse of her ship. There, there it is! He's nearly vibrating with excitement as it slowly enters the hangar.

He almost can't take it and begins to pace back and forth. He's just come from her quarters after making sure all of her plants and flowers are fresh and taking Preslan home. He wishes he had something special for her, but he'd found he didn't want to select something from his collection. Everything he'd acquired he'd found while he was … hunting, and now he doesn't like the association. He wants this to be a fresh start, with no reminders of how badly he'd behaved.

Perhaps he should get rid of his collection …

 _Finally_ the ship has landed and he rushes up to the ramp that's descending at an agonizing pace, not giving a damn who sees. Hurry up! Rey is right on the other side!

It's about halfway to the deck when he sees movement. Rey scrambles off the edge of the ramp and jumps down. She's barely found her balance when she's running towards him and he's hurrying forward.

"Kylo!" she calls and she's almost to him.

She leaps towards him and he catches her, their lips fusing before she even has her arms around his neck. He wraps his arms around her waist and holds her to him oh so tightly. Oh, Rey …

He doesn't care that there are witnesses everywhere, he doesn't care that even Hux is watching. He delves his tongue into her mouth and revels in the taste of her. The Bond is open and her happiness is utterly intoxicating.

Force, he's never going to stop kissing her. Somehow, he's going to figure out how to get her to her rooms and kiss her the whole way there. Her fingers wind in his hair and he moans into her mouth.

"Maker, I missed you," blooms in his head.

"Not half as much as I missed you."

She wriggles against his prominent erection and sends, "Well _somebody_ certainly missed me. It's a good thing you're wearing your surcoat."

He hears a throat clear and he ignores it. He's not nearly done kissing _Rey_. Then the sound becomes more forceful.

"Son, I know you've missed her, but …"

Fine. He supposes he really shouldn't be mauling her like this in front of everyone, but Maker, she's _home_.

Rey starts to giggle and pulls back from him. He sets her on her feet and looks down on her beloved face. He wonders how long he has to play host before he can take Rey back to her quarters. _Very_ reluctantly, he steps back from her, but swiftly takes her hand.

* * *

Hux and his mother had insisted on everyone meeting before letting the delegation go for the day in order to settle in. They're all seated in his hall. The First Order flags are noticeably absent and a newly elected body of stormtrooper representatives sit awkwardly at the table.

He already knows what will be said, having hammered it all out with his mother beforehand. Their plan of 13 governing bodies each led by an elected leader that forms the ruling body is unchanged. Most of the new points are to do with the stormtroopers and he's inclined to leave it to them. So he only listens with half an ear. He's been up to his neck with the particulars for days and days and all he can do is look at Rey.

She looks …. well, she looks absolutely edible. He hadn't realized she'd taken any of her gowns with her, and she's resplendent in the gown she'd worn on Sheytaya. The coral and ivory silks shimmer with each movement and he's beyond impatient to pull the comb from her hair so that he can tangle his fingers in her glorious waves.

His mother had pointedly pulled Rey from him and seated her as far away from him as she could. He'd tried not to glare. He understands. If he could reach her, he'd likely have his hand under her skirts, and even if he _is_ half-mad with arousal, he _does_ understand propriety.

Of course, below his belt is another matter entirely.

Finally, _finally_ things are wrapping up.

"Thank you, ladies and gentleman, we will reconvene tom-"

He's on his feet before his mother finishes speaking and has Rey's hand in his as she finishes her sentence.

"-orrow morning …"

* * *

It was a long way back to her quarters. They'd kept stopping at every alcove, stealing kisses, their hands wandering under their clothes on more than one occasion. The comb holding her hair had been lost somewhere along B Deck. By the time they make it to her door they both look utterly debauched but he really doesn't care.

He drags her into her quarters and she's making toward her settee. He pulls her the other direction. "No. Bed," he orders forcefully.

"But here's closer," she whines.

"I've not made love to you in two weeks and this time, we do it properly," he says, remembering how he'd taken her against her door after the last long wait.

She glares at him but follows him to her bedroom, both of them stripping as they go.

* * *

"Yes, yes, yes!" he bellows as he slides into her. He didn't think she could feel any better, but he was wrong. The teasing over the Bond over the last few days has left him completely frantic for her and he pumps into her, hard.

"Maker, I love you! I thought I was going to go mad," she cries out as she meets his every thrust.

He growls deep in his throat as he bottoms out in her, making her gasp. "That's it, my love, all of me, take all of me."

"Force, yes, never stop. I want you to take me _forever_ ," she howls.

"All day, every day. Until we can't move. I missed you, I love you, I'll never let you go," he babbles without thinking. He realizes what he's said and it feels like ice. He stills, desperately holding her eyes. "I didn't mean that, I swear, if you ever-"

She puts her fingers on his mouth. "I hope you meant it. I told you, when I came back it was forever. I don't want you to let me go."

He searches her face as well as the Bond and feels only welcome. Something terrified and cold finally melts away and he sees what he's been madly grasping for since the moment he first saw her. _Acceptance_. He blinks slowly, trying to find the catch. The part of her she's kept safe, the part of her he's not to know about. But her ocean is placid and wide, gentle, and above all open. For him.

"I told you, when I came back I was yours. No more games. I'm here, I'm here. I won't close the Bond again."

It's too much, he can't let himself believe. After everything. He knows it's all of his making, how he terrorized her, imprisoned her, but that doesn't seem to matter to the bruised parts of his heart. He can count on her? He can believe that she'll stay?

Her face twists in pain, "Oh, my love … Yes, you can count on me, I'm going to stay. I won't push you away ever again. I promise."

He hadn't meant her to hear any of his thoughts; he's going to have to work on that. But he's glad she did, because oh how he'd needed to hear those words. She's going to stay …

She holds his face with her hands and he feels waves of devotion coming across the Bond. "I love you. Do you hear me? I love you. I'm yours and I'm not going anywhere."

His throat is too tight to respond verbally so, through the Bond, he just pushes through his awe and his humble gratitude.

Then she rather insistently rolls her hips and he realizes he's simply buried in her, leaving her wanting. Well that won't do. He kisses her deeply as he begins again to thrust into her. She's moaning, so loudly, then she rips her lips from his and demands, "More!"

He's only too happy to give her what she wants. He puts her legs over his shoulders and slams into her as hard as he can. She throws her head back and keens out, "Ung, yes, _yes_ , holy hell, yes!"

He's completely tangled with her: her body, her mind, her heart, her _soul_ and the Bond wraps around it _all_. He'd thought they'd found transcendence before, but now she's holding nothing back.

She's so deep inside him, he feels her light traveling all of him, soothing and accepting every ugly tear, each barely healed scar.

 _I love you. All of you._

He almost chokes on his tears, unable to process being so _seen_. But she holds his face fast with her hands. Her eyes are impossibly open, their hazel depths welcoming … home.

 _All of you._

Then he feels it, _his light_. She's found his light and, oh Maker, it feels _so good_. She pulls away each heavy chain he's added over the years and it courses through him. He hears a chanting voice saying, "Yes, please, oh, please," and he realizes it's him.

Their light dances and twines. For this moment, Jakku falls away and his sins are washed clean. It's unfettered joy and he's weeping. Their eyes are locked and tears are coursing down both of their faces but there's no shame. There simply isn't another way to embody the pure emotion that has them both enthralled.

 _I love you._

 _I love you._

 _I love you._

* * *

He has her wrapped in his arms, her legs around his. It's as if they can't bear to allow any space between them. After they'd attained something far more profound than pleasure, they'd held each other's eyes for an eternity, neither speaking. No words could possibly encompass what had moved through them. Eventually they'd shifted into this tangle of limbs.

The sweat on their bodies has long since cooled and yet they still don't move. He's very grateful that Preslan is smart enough to make himself scarce. Extra bantha steak for the mongrel.

Finally, she begins to move and he holds her fast. She lets out a small giggle. "I know, Kylo, I know. But my arm is falling asleep."

He flinches at the name he'd chosen and she swiftly goes up on her elbow, searching his eyes. He's going to really have to learn how to better shield his thoughts.

"What? What is it?" she asks in alarm.

He looks away, knowing that he may have found forgiveness in that singular place of truly joining with her, but he'll never be clean.

"Kylo?"

This time he grimaces in pain and looks back at her. Everything he's done as _Kylo Ren_ swirls through him, snagging and ripping along his fragile core.

Rey nods her understanding. "Your name … it feels wrong."

"I don't know what to call myself," he admits.

"Do you want me to call you Ben?"

That name _hurts_ and he's spiraling into confusion. "I … I don't know. I don't feel that I … deserve it."

"Oh … love …I'll call you anything you want."

But that's just it. He doesn't _know_ what he wants. He's not Kylo Ren any longer, but to just put back on the mantle of Ben Organa feels … _so_ wrong. Like he'd be pretending that years of tyranny hadn't happened.

Suddenly he has an idea. "Will you pick? Will you decide? If I knew you gave it to me …"

Her eyes cloud and he feels how much of a responsibility this is and he realizes he's done it again, begged too much of her. "I'm sorry … I shouldn't have asked …"

"No … no, it's alright. I do understand how hard this must be for you, but … do you truly not know what you want?"

He scoffs. "I want to go back to before I ever met Snoke … but, according to my uncle, that would be the cradle."

"What?" she gasps.

"I'll explain, I will. Just not right now. Now … now I'm tired of the knot in my stomach any time I hear my name. Either of them. When my mother calls me Ben, I feel nothing but shame. When anyone calls me Kylo, I feel everything I've ever done in a word. But if I knew, if I knew my name was what _you_ wanted to call me …"

"You could pick something new?" she offers hopefully.

He remembers his grandfather saying, "It's just a name," and he realizes it means so much more. He frowns. "That's the coward's way out."

She looks down and when she lifts her eyes he sees shyness. She takes in a deep breath. "Well … if I'm honest … I prefer Kylo."

"You do? But you always said you thought Ben was still inside me," he says, bewildered.

"He's a concept. The man I know, the man I fell in love with … the name I've ..." Then she goes the most glorious shade of pink.

"What?" he asks with an amused tone. He does so love when she blushes.

"Well … it would be weird to call out 'Ben' in bed," she finally mumbles.

"Oh I see … Ben not man enough for you?" he teases.

She pushes at him with no real strength. "Kylo!"

And suddenly his name sounds just right. "Kylo it is then."

"Kylo Organa," she corrects.

He lets that sit for a moment, letting it run through his head. Something from both of his halves.

He tests it in his mouth, "Kylo Organa …"

It feels right. Another bit of his fractured soul slides into place.

* * *

They're naked as the day they were born, eating their dinner in bed. Preslan is curled up at the foot and he doesn't even mind. This time, she's the one feeding him and he feels completely content.

After she pops a bit of cheese into his mouth he feels a spike of something … off through the Bond. At least he's not the only one letting his every feeling broadcast.

After he's done chewing, he asks, "What is it?"

He feels a swell of trepidation through the Bond. "You said you'd tell me what's happened here. I know there's something you're hiding."

He flops back on her bed. "Not hiding. I promise, not hiding. I just needed to be able to touch you when I told you."

"Is it so very bad?" she asks warily, stretching out next to him.

"No, nothing like that. It will never be anything like that ever again. It's good, I think."

And so he begins to tell her all about leaving Kylo Ren and Darth Vader behind and his amazing experience with Anakin Skywalker.

* * *

"Anakin Skywalker really came to you?"

"Yes … he was … he wasn't anything like I'd imagined."

"Tell me more."

"Well, he has an awful sense of humor …"

* * *

She's practically fused to his side and he feels her tears on his chest.

"Snoke … since you were a baby?"

"Yes," he whispers. Telling her has made it seem so much more real than when his uncle had told him. The part of him that can stand apart and look at what has actually happened to him is nothing short of horrified.

"All that time, twisting you, a little boy … oh Kylo," she shudders, and now she's crying in earnest.

He holds her close. "Shhh, I've got you, I've got you."

She moves swiftly so that her face is hovering over his and his fierce scavenger promises, "No, _I've_ got _you_. I won't let anyone hurt you _ever again_."

He believes her.

* * *

"There's something else."

"Mmm," she murmurs languidly. He's just made love to her again, needing the safety of her body after revealing so much. She's draped along his chest and he really hopes she won't be angry.

"Do you remember when I told you that I'd put out a search request on Preslan, for your grandparents? The analysts … they found them. Your mother's parents."

He feels a tremor shudder through her body; he tightens his arms around her and waits for her reaction.

Now she's completely still and silent for a long time. Finally, she lifts her face and he finds it expressionless. "I don't care," she says coldly.

"Rey, no … you don't understand." Maker, he's an idiot. "They've been looking for you. All this time. Your grandmother likes to fix speeders," he offers with a quirk to his lips.

Hope flares in her eyes and over the Bond but he feels as she mercilessly squashes it. " _I don't care_ ," she repeats.

He senses Jakku rip along her and he smoothes her hair from her face. "Okay, sweetheart, okay."

He cradles her head against his chest and carefully shields his thoughts. He knows she needs to meet them, but he also knows he can't push her. He's lost the right.

He stares at the ceiling and tries to give her privacy as the desolate dunes of her childhood take her down.

* * *

She'd woken nearly ravenous for him and he'd been rocking into her slowly when she'd pushed him off and flipped herself on her stomach, surprising him. Now he's on his knees taking in the glorious expanse of her back and that deliciously rounded bottom.

She arches her back, revealing her glistening pink folds and he's tempted to bury his face between them, feast on her glorious center. But she's wiggling her hips and looking at him with such invitation. He reminds himself that the memories had stayed away, that she hadn't run from him the only time he'd taken her from behind. Besides, this is _Rey_. She deserves everything she could ask of him.

"I talked to some of the other women at the base. I have all sorts of plans for you." She grins wickedly with a saucy gleam in her eyes.

He's not entirely certain how this will work. She's only lifted her bottom, the rest of her flush against the bed. But he's helpless when she gives him that look, so he parts her legs and tries to push into her.

The angle isn't quite right and he's about to turn her over when she arches her hips higher and oh, _oh_ , right there, right damned there. There's something about this position that's made her even more tight around him and he lets out a strangled shout. Oh, Maker, how many different ways can she find to scramble his brain?

He thrusts into her eagerly, and she keeps her face turned to him. This is, this is, oh stars, this is _beyond_ amazing. He's able to feel so much of her skin against his and it's like everything he likes about taking her face-to-face with the sublime new feeling of how closely she clenches around him.

He loves the feeling of her delectable bottom against his hips and he finds he can thrust with abandon, unconcerned with hurting her. He wonders what other ideas these new friends have put in her head.

For a moment he breaks their gaze in order to kiss and suck at her neck, but he knows if he looks up, the safety of her eyes will be waiting for him. He thinks that someday, someday he won't need her eyes. Then he's not thinking at all, because she's snaked her hand between her legs and she's touching herself.

"Ung," he groans out.

"You like that? You like when I touch myself while you're in me?" she almost taunts.

"Maker, yes," he pants out between thrusts, pulling back just enough to find her eyes again.

"Every night I'd make myself come, thinking of you," she teases. Then his vision dims as she pushes a memory through the Bond. All he can see is her hand moving briskly under the hot water of the 'fresher.

"Force, Rey!" He's jolted forward and thanks every deity he's ever heard of when he feels her begin to pulse around him. There's no way he could last with this twin assault on his senses.

He's so close and he feels that she is, too. Her eyes are huge and almost black with lust. He drives into her with everything he has and feels as her walls go tight around him. Then he's howling her name as his own release crests. It breaks over him as he comes almost violently into her.

He nearly roars as the last pulse is ripped from him, thrusting so deeply into her that she moves up the bed, her head hitting the pillows. He can't catch his breath, panting so quickly. He feels the final twitches of her orgasm and he gently pulls from her.

She's already on her back with her arms open to him by the time he's collapsing onto her. He rests his head on her breast and his body is shaking with the aftershocks of their joining.

She runs her hands through his hair and drops little kisses on his forehead.

He's never felt so loved.

* * *

A/N: Thank you so much BB-2 (Juulna)! You, once again, beta'd super late and I'm so grateful. We're almost done and you are a huge part of this story. Thank you, my dear friend.

I've started a new story, 'Decision', posted here on ff as well as Ao3. It sounds tragic, but it's not really. Summary: Kylo Ren loathes the Scavenger. She plagues him and he's desperate to free himself from her constant pull. In their final battle, he succeeds in killing her, but as he holds her in his arms and feels the life leaving her he knows he has been so very wrong. This woman, this impossible woman, she is everything to him and he has killed her. HEA, I promise

Thank you readers! We're so close to the end! I can barely believe it. All of those XX Days Until TLJ posts on tumblr have been giving me the vapors. Thank you so very much for sticking with me on this incredibly loooooong journey. I'd hug you all if I could.


	72. Chapter 72

"We should go back to sleep," Rey says as she cradles his head to her chest.

"Hmmm, I suppose." He strokes his fingers along her belly, knowing he'll never get over how soft her skin is. He loves sleeping with her held close and near, but he has to give her up in just a few short hours and he won't get her back to himself until the evening.

"We haven't slept much, you know." He can hear the smirk in her voice.

Wistfully, he says, "True, but … then the day will be interminable because I won't be able to hold you."

"I know … I wish we could spend a day together for every day we were apart."

"Once this is all over, once there's a plan in place, I'm taking you back to Sheytaya for a _month_." It's an intoxicating idea, not having to share her for days on end.

Rey giggles. "I don't think you'll be able to take more than a few days. You're too important. Until the 13 are elected, you and your mother will have to lead."

He sighs heavily. "I know ... but for now, I don't want to sleep. I just want to be with you."

She pulls him closer and kisses his temple. "Alright, we'll just enjoy each other." He settles into the marvelous comfort of being held by his beloved.

She runs her fingers through his hair for a long time and he lets himself float in the bliss of her touch.

Eventually, Rey murmurs, "Kylo?"

"Yes, love?"

"Something I've been wondering …" He feels caution in her tone and he tenses.

He goes up on his elbow so that he may see her face. It's pinched with worry and he soothes his hand along her hip. "You can ask me anything, Rey."

"I know … I just … well … have you … have you hurt yourself, recently?"

He looks away and his jaw ticks. He remembers how she'd told his uncle about his c _oping mechanism._

Kylo pulls away, sitting next to her. "About that … you told Luke that I … well, you know. I wish you hadn't done that."

She sits up and now they're both facing each other with more distance than has been between them for hours. He doesn't like it, but he also feels uncomfortable with how she'd shared something so private.

Rey looks down at her lap and he senses a squirming feeling across the Bond. Lowly, she says, "I …. I was so worried, I didn't know what to _do_. You just closed off from me … that wasn't like you. I couldn't talk to anyone but Luke."

"Yet … I thought you were angry with him, for refusing to train you?"

Her hands flail in her lap and she looks up again. "I was for a while, but he did let me stay with him, sometimes. Until I would get frustrated. I learned a lot just from the stillness. Maybe he was teaching me, in his own way." She shrugs lightly. "I came to … well, trust him, I guess."

"But … _I_ don't trust him, at least not yet. And that was mine. I know you were worried, but … you're the only person I talk to about _everything,_ and I need to know you won't share things that I tell you."

Rey's eyes slide away and she pulls her bottom lip into her mouth. Then she shakes her head and looks back at him. "No … I can't agree to that. You have to trust my judgment, too. Obviously there are things that are just between us, but if you need help, I'm not going to stay silent just because you've asked me to. It's not healthy, you cutting yourself like that, and someone from your family needed to know."

He purses his lips and his nostrils flare. He doesn't like this. He doesn't like that he can't control what she shares. But he can't deny that she's right. It's never been good for him. His blade has left him simmering in self-loathing more times than he can count.

She goes up on her knees and wraps her arms around him. "Trust me. Trust me to take care of you."

Trust. That's always been an issue between them. He'd mangled any trust she might have had for him at the beginning by chasing her, then again by going behind her back. Best not to think about Eshara at all. And his trust for her … she'd damaged it by pushing him away time and again. But she has never broken her word and how else will they build trust if he doesn't believe in her?

He makes his choice. He returns her embrace and nods into her chest. "Alright, Rey."

After holding him for long minutes, she pulls back and holds his eyes. "Have you, while I was gone?"

He knows what she's asking but doesn't want to acknowledge it. "Have I what?"

"Cut yourself."

Kylo lets out a long breath. "No … no, I haven't."

"Have you wanted to?" she asks keenly.

He thinks about that for a moment. It had crossed his mind, but he'd never felt the pull, the _need_. He answers honestly, "No. Things feel … different."

"Different how?"

"Steadier. You know how I've told you that being with you makes me feel whole? Like I was no longer being ripped apart?"

"Yes," she answers slowly.

"Even when you were gone … I felt that wholeness. That balance. Once I got rid of the masks … spoke with my grandfather …. It's like the war is over. I feel like I can _breathe_."

Her face positively glows when she takes his face in her hands and says, "I'm so proud of you."

He scoffs. "I have a galaxy of wrongs to right."

"Yes, you do. But I see _him_ now."

"See who?"

"The man I hoped you could be. The man I could never turn away from. I've _always_ seen you, from the moment you took off your mask. The man you should have been was lurking, hiding in your eyes."

He doesn't know what to do with that. He feels so much calmer now, but he's not quite sure what she means.

His puzzlement must have bled through the Bond because Rey asks, "Haven't you ever wondered what it would have been like if you'd been allowed to just be?"

Kylo blinks quickly. "No … I haven't."

"Well I have. I've thought about it a lot. I used to wish, desperately, that you hadn't been so thoroughly broken by your family, by Snoke, by yourself."

He remembers from months ago, when she wouldn't tell him what she wished for. And he wonders … "That time, before I … captured you on Ilaria …" He has to stop speaking for a moment, the shame so hot and swift. Will he ever be able to forgive himself for what he's done to her?

"Yes?" she encourages.

"You said you wished for something, but you wouldn't tell me what it was. Was that what you wished for?"

She thinks about it for a moment. "It was part of it. I wished that you and I had met without our histories. No Jakku for me. No legacy for you. Just us." She smiles gently. "And now, I feel like we're making that together. I'm learning to let go of my childhood, and you're learning to be the man you could have been."

"I like making you proud," he admits.

"You do, every day, you do. I love you, Kylo."

"I love you, Rey."

* * *

"We have to get up," Rey insists.

He keeps his arms firmly around her. "I'm not ready to let you go …"

"I promised Leia we would have breakfast with her before the talks resume."

He groans. It's not that he doesn't want to see his mother. He does. But Rey is warm and soft and so very naked …

"No, we don't have time," she warns as he starts to kiss down her body.

"Yes we do," he murmurs before he circles her clit with his tongue.

"But … but …" Then her protests turn into whimpers and Kylo smiles against her folds.

* * *

Hair still damp from their shared shower—he certainly wasn't going to see his mother reeking of their intimacy—they wait for Leia to come to her door.

"Rey! Son!" Leia says brightly, ushering them in.

Breakfast is already waiting and he smiles to himself. There's a large basket of Ryleshe buns, his favorite as a child. They're now a bit sweet for his taste, but he'll never tell his mother that.

"Please, sit," his mother encourages.

They take their places and begin to fill their plates. He notes that there's a large selection of fruit, and he can suddenly see years into the future. His mother has made sure this breakfast is for both of them, having both of their favorites, and he hopes there are many more shared meals. It's so easy to imagine time passing, his family growing.

He reaches out and squeezes Rey's hand briefly. She responds with a smile and a wave of affection through the Bond.

Once they've begun their meal, Kylo asks, "What's the strategy for today?"

"This isn't that sort of breakfast, Be-" She stops and clears her throat. "Son."

There's an awkward silence before Rey says, "Kylo." Leia cocks her head in query and Rey continues, "I've noticed you avoid using his name. He's going to go by Kylo."

Conflict moves along Leia's face. She clearly doesn't like that he's keeping Kylo.

"I see," Leia says carefully, her face tense.

Kylo is about to try to explain when Rey says, "He can't go back to Ben. Too much has happened. He isn't that person anymore."

"So he's that murderer Kylo Ren?" Leia's eyes widen and her fingers fly to her mouth.

The pain is swift and searing. He knew his mother hadn't come close to forgiveness, but he had hoped she'd come further than this. He looks at his hands, unsure of how to respond. His mother can't seem to speak, keeping her hand at her lips, her eyes blinking furiously and her chest rising and falling rapidly.

"Organa," Rey murmurs. "He's Kylo Organa."

Leia is broken from her conflicted state and her eyes fly to Rey's. Rey reaches out and puts her hand on Leia's and says, "I know you want him back, just the way he was. But that can't ever happen. He's not Ben any longer, but he _is_ your son. He will always be your son."

"I …" Leia's eyes grow wet and she looks away. "I … I don't know what to say."

"He's both, don't you see?" Rey pleads.

Leia is regaining her composure. "I think I do. Though … I don't know how I'll ever be able to use _that_ name." Her distaste is obvious.

Kylo reaches out and takes her other hand. "Mother, you don't have to. I don't mind if you want to call me Ben."

Leia looks at him swiftly. The words surprise even him; he hadn't considered them before he'd spoken. But he finds that it's true. He's hurt his mother enough. If she wants to call him Ben, she can call him Ben.

His mother nods, almost to herself, then says, "So you will be K-Kylo Organa officially."

"Yes. I wish to honor you and Alderaan."

A tremulous smile blooms on his mother's face. He hasn't seen that expression for a long time and it makes something catch in his chest.

Then Leia's smile turns wry and she says, "Well, it really had to be Kylo Organa. Ben Ren is ridiculous."

Rey bursts out laughing and his mother joins her. He's surprised to find himself laughing as well.

* * *

"Analyst Bast, what have you found?" Kylo asks the awkward young man. It's the afternoon break and he's in his office attempting to stay on top of the endless stream of _details_.

"Well, sir, do you want the good news or the bad news first?"

"Let's start with the good," Kylo says, sitting back in his seat.

"We found FN-2187's brother and have a lead on KS-2153's family."

He frowns. He doesn't like the anonymous string of letters and numbers. "Finn and Kes, please. And the bad news?"

Bast tugs at the hem of his jacket, but it's no use, nothing will make it look like it fits properly. "I'm afraid, sir, that Finn's brother, GN-6491, was badly injured during the fighting on the _Tarkin_. He was one of the leaders of the stormtroopers and he took multiple blaster shots. He won't walk again."

A heavy weight settles in Kylo's stomach. "Is he conscious? Can he be moved?"

"Yes, sir, he's conscious. I'll find out if he's in any condition to be transported."

"Good. If possible I want him transferred to the _Finalizer_."

"Yes, sir."

"Does he have a name, from … before?" Once again, Kylo is reminded that each and every stormtrooper is a stolen child. Yes, some are genuine orphans, but so many more were simply … taken. How could he have been so blind for so many years?

"Unfortunately, that information wasn't recorded, only the familial relationship."

"I see." He closes his eyes briefly in frustration. The stormtrooper program really did take everything from these people. "Is there anything else, Analyst Bast?"

"No, sir."

"Keep following the lead on Kes' family and report anything to me directly. You're dismissed."

Bast nods and salutes and then nearly collides with the doorway on his way out.

Kylo stands and begins to pace. He'd hoped to please Rey and Kes with good news for Finn. He supposes that it could be worse—GN-6491 could be dead.

He wonders if he should tell Finn directly or allow Kes to do it … He continues to pace, indecision adding weight to his tread. Rey. He'll ask Rey. He notes that he has just enough time to find her before the talks resume.

* * *

"His brother? You found Finn's brother?" Rey asks with wide eyes.

He'd taken her into an alcove once he'd found her, and she'd been surprised when he'd pulled back after only kissing her hello.

"Yes, but he's been badly injured—he won't walk again. If it won't endanger him, I'm hoping to have him transferred to the _Finalizer_."

"This will mean _everything_ to Finn, thank you." She wraps her arms around his neck and kisses his cheek. It's such a sweet gesture but he doesn't feel that he's done anything to warrant it.

"It was Kes's idea. Now, do you think I should tell him myself or have Kes do it? Do I say anything before he's transferred?"

Rey nibbles her lip. "After the talks end for the day, tell him then. Tell them together. He'll want to know, whatever there is to know, he'll want to hear it. I know I would."

"Is that really true?" Kylo asks, thinking about her grandparents.

"What? Of course," she says, her brows knitted.

"I have an entire of report of information on your grandparents."

Her expression closes immediately and she says lowly, "That's different."

Kylo catches her eyes. "Is it?"

* * *

As the first day of talks are wrapping up, Kylo checks his datapad. He finds a message from Analyst Bast.

 _GN-6491 is fit for transfer to the_ Finalizer _. He will arrive the day after tomorrow. Additionally, after further research, apparently he has adopted the name Galen._

A name and a transfer. Good. Good.

* * *

"Finn, wait," Rey calls out as Finn is making his way out of the hall with his hand on the small of Kes's back.

Finn and Kes turn back and return into the cavernous hall. Kylo wishes they were somewhere else. He really hates this room.

Finn smirks. "I thought you two would have been the first to leave." Kes gasps and nudges Finn's shoulder. "What? You saw how he dragged her out-"

"Did you need me, too?" Kes interrupts with a hysterical edge to her tone. Finn gets the hint and bites back a smile.

Kylo manages not to glare at Finn. "Yes, we, well _I_ would like to speak with both of you."

Finn shifts uncomfortably. He hasn't completely warmed to Kylo yet and Kylo can't blame him. He's not jumping for joy at spending time in the former stormtrooper's company, either.

Kylo clears his throat. "Recently Kes asked me to look into the matter of your brother," Kylo says to Finn.

Finn's body language changes immediately. He stands straight and stiff. "My brother?" he finally asks after a beat too long of thick silence.

Kes puts her hand on his arm. "I asked the Supreme Leader to see what he could find … I hope … was that alright?" Her eyes are pleading, and Kylo remembers feeling like this when searching for Rey's mother.

Finn rubs the back of his neck. "Uh, yeah ... yeah, it just … it's just unexpected." He looks down for a moment before catching Kylo's eyes. "So … my brother?"

"As you know, he was also taken for the stormtrooper program. He was stationed on the _Tarkin_."

Fear slices through Finn's eyes. "Was?"

Rey steps to the other side of him, mirroring Kes's position. "No, it's not like that. He's alive."

"Right, okay, okay … go on."

Kylo takes in a deep breath. It's never easy to tell someone bad news and he rarely has to do it himself. "He was one of the leaders of the stormtroopers who took over the _Tarkin_. He was badly injured. He won't walk again."

"But he's alive?" Finn confirms.

"Yes, he's alive and his designation was GN-6491. But he goes by Galen."

"Galen," Finn whispers. "My brother's name is Galen …"

* * *

Much later, he's holding a sated Rey in his arms, so grateful to have her back.

"That was good of you, today. Finding Finn's brother," she says as she draws patterns on his chest with her fingers.

Kylo smiles sadly. "It's literally the least I could do. He's the first of so many."

"You're really going to do this aren't you? Find their families?"

"Yes. I may not be able to ever make up for everything I did when I was Kylo Ren, but it's a start."

She shifts until her face is inches from his. Her beautiful hazel eyes are full of adoration and it makes his chest feel too small. Rey is here. Rey loves him. Then she's moving forward and pressing her lips against his. Soon she's kissing him deeply and he holds her as closely as he can.

He'll never let her go. He never has to.

* * *

The talks are going exceptionally well. It makes Kylo a bit nervous. Thus far they've hammered out the basic governmental structure and have assigned a delegation to draw up a guiding document. Tomorrow, Finn's brother arrives. The former stormtrooper has seemed more subdued and Kes is almost always at his side.

His mother has asked him to have dinner with her, just the two of them. He wishes Rey were with him; he's not had nearly enough time with her, yet. He's a tad wary as his mother likes to get him alone before she springs her traps.

"Hello, Ben," his mother says as she hugs him in greeting.

"Mother," he responds, enfolding her tiny frame in his larger one. He closes his eyes briefly. He hasn't forgotten the terror of believing her dead and the years without her. He may still have feelings about their separation, but he's grateful all the same to once again be able to hug his mother.

She leads him to her sitting room. Her quarters are more like his and Rey's, without the second room. They're spacious and he'd made sure they were well appointed while she'd been gone, ensuring there were little touches like her favorite color for her bedding.

His mother hands him a glass of wine and he takes a sip, watching her. She's holding herself stiffly and his trepidation grows. She's turned away from him, drinking her own wine. Then she turns back to him and places her glass on a low table.

"Ben … I …" she trails off, looking down.

He takes a step towards her. "Mother, what is it?"

"I'm sorry," she murmurs.

Kylo had been expecting the long-awaited, or rather long-dreaded, conversation regarding his father. An apology had not been on the list in his head.

"For …" he prods, setting his own wine down.

She looks up and he sees tears in her warm brown eyes. "I was not a good mother to you. I didn't protect you. I let my own ambition blind me to what truly matters."

His instinct is to argue with her, to allay her fears, to reassure her that everything is fine, was fine. He's done so much to her, to his family, that he's lost the right to apologies. But he stops himself. How long has he wanted her to see? How many nights had he waited, listening for the door, only to fall asleep without hearing her come in to kiss him goodnight?

Leia closes the distance between them and takes his hands. "My precious boy. You've walked through hell and come out the other side a man I am so proud of but can take no credit for."

His tongue is stuck, he can't speak. This open, contrite woman is a stranger to him and he just blinks down at her.

She sighs heavily. "You've spoken so eloquently during the talks; your passion for the people of this galaxy is humbling. I see my influence, but I know you've become the man before me in spite of me, not because of me."

"No," he says, finding his voice. He shakes his head. "No, that's not true. I believe what I do _because_ of you, Mother. Yes, I was angry, so angry, at your methods. But my desire for justice? For freedom? For basic safety? I learned that all at your knee."

"But … I look back and I see how often I wasn't there ..."

He closes his eyes against the memories. That little boy has been so near the surface for months. Waiting, waiting, waiting. _Wanting_. But that's not all there is. There are days spent watching her speak to the Galactic Senate, stolen afternoons at museums and parks. There was the time she cleared her calendar to help him with his family history for school.

He holds her hands tightly and says, "Listen to me. Yes, you were gone frequently, but that's not all there was to my childhood. I always knew I was loved, Mother."

"You did?" she asks, her eyes wide in surprise.

"I knew, when I really needed you, that you were there. You didn't neglect me, not really … not like …" He stops himself, realizing that she'd bid him not speak of his father.

"Not like your father," she finishes for him.

"You asked me not to talk about him."

"I did … but I think we have to."

They hold each other's eyes, neither speaking. A myriad of emotions run through her eyes. He sees a lifetime of regret and flashes of rage. But, through it all, he senses her love for him.

He thinks about what he did that horrific day on _Starkiller_. He remembers how his father had finally said the words he'd so desperately needed as a boy. If only he'd come to the Academy and said those same words. _Come home. We miss you_. That's all he'd wanted.

Kylo had said it was too late, standing on that bridge. He's not sure a man has ever been so wrong. Because here he is, in front of his mother, regret so bitter he doesn't know if it will ever stop choking him. He's come back. He's gone _through_. He's free of Snoke. He's free of _himself_.

He can never take it back. He will never see his father again. He will live every day knowing that he chose to kill his own father because he was too weak to see through the lies.

Tears spring to his eyes as he remembers the unbearable forgiveness he found in his father's gaze.

Slowly, he drops to his knees in front of his mother and hangs his head in shame, supplication, entreaty … he's not sure.

Finally, he chokes out through his tears, "I'm sorry."

He feels his mother's hand on his head, gently stroking through this hair. He hears her take in a shuddering breath.

Her voice is soft when she forgives him.

"I know."

* * *

A/N: I am so very lucky to have my betas, Juulna and CharlotteCAgain, in my corner. I am spectacularly grateful to both of you for all the time you give to me and this story.

Thank you readers! I think we have 2-3 chapters left in this story, then an epilogue. It's blowing my mind! You have all been so fantastic and supportive and you've kept me writing for over a year. Thank you.


	73. Chapter 73

Kylo feels a ghostly pressure gliding up his thigh and his eyes fly to Rey's. Her face is serene but he feels only mischief through the Bond. She's sitting across the table from him in his hall, surrounded by the delegation.

Today she's wearing a deceptively simple dress in deep purple. Though the lines are clean and there's no adornment, the dress is so perfectly cut that she exudes elegance. She has her hair up in an equally simple style, gathered in the back in a twist.

Her bearing has shifted since she went to the Resistance. She's full of confidence now and seems more at ease with the authority that comes with being considered Lady Rey by the First Order. Even the Resistance has begun to defer to her.

Her power has been steadily growing, and the time with his mother has brought something out in her. It's as if her time training with Shree gave her the foundation, but time with another powerful Force sensitive has made her … bloom. She isn't ostentatious with it, she doesn't pull things to her simply to show that she can.

However, a delegation member had cut her hand on a broken glass and Rey had subtly lifted her hand from across the room and the wound had disappeared in a moment. It had appeared effortless and it had left Kylo wanting to go to his knees in front of her. By the reaction of the delegates, he hadn't been alone. He's been hearing reverent whispers about the 'Jedi princess' in their midst. Of course, she'll never be a Jedi, but most don't know the difference between a Jedi and a Force sensitive.

The pressure moves steadily up his leg and he's exceedingly grateful that Hux is recounting trade regulations. If he had to actually participate he'd surely give away his mounting arousal. He almost yelps when he feels her touch reach his hardening length. It's not long before she has him straining against his trousers.

"Rey!" he sends through the Bond. "What are you doing?"

"We're breaking for mid-day soon and I just wanted to make sure you understood _precisely_ what you'll be doing with that time."

He can make out the feel of her fingers now and he bites the inside of his cheek to keep from moaning as she circles the head of his cock.

"Maker, Rey, you're killing me!"

"Oh, you feel very much alive," she teases as she adds a second hand.

He leans his head back and looks at the ceiling. He focuses on his breathing to keep from panting. Her clever fingers are _relentless_.

"If you have plans for me, you'll need to stop … soon." He hopes neither of the Resistance members sitting next to him have noticed how he's opening and closing his fists.

He's started to see stars as she pushes him higher and higher. Force, is she going to make him come right here? What if his mother notices? That should have dampened his ardor, but he's too far gone.

"Rey! Please!" He's not sure what he's begging for.

"Oh … alright."

The phantom fingers recede and, stars, it hurts. He can't control the slight whimper that escapes him. The Resistance member to his right looks over at him curiously but he ignores him. He tries to catch Rey's eyes, but she looks entirely enthralled by _trade agreements_.

He squirms in his chair, so damned hard each movement sends a sensation between pleasure and pain straight up his spine.

How much longer can Hux possibly go on? He starts to calculate the nearest place he can take her for privacy. His office is quite close, but there's no way the entire bridge crew wouldn't know what they were up to.

Their quarters are four decks above and at the other end of the ship. He's never going to make it.

Finally, _finally_ , Hux stops his droning and Kylo carefully gains his feet, shifting his surcoat just so. He looks up to see Rey disappear out the door.

"Just where do you think you're going?" he sends through their connection.

"There's a small communication station three doors to the left on this deck."

He swallows his smile. "I'm on my way."

* * *

He enters the small room to find Rey leaning against the wall. Her eyes, so placid before, are burning with hunger. She's on him as soon as he's shut and locked the door.

She thrusts her tongue into his mouth. "You impossible minx," he sends through the Bond.

"Mmmhmm," she murmurs against his mouth.

He takes her hand and pushes it against his achingly hard cock. "Do you feel what you _do_ to me?" he growls between kisses.

He feels her smile and a burst of absolute smugness comes across their connection. Then she's pushing him back until he falls into a chair. He thinks she's going to straddle him when she steps back. He starts to get up but feels himself held fast with the Force.

"You stay right there, Kylo."

A flash of annoyance moves through him. He's not sure he likes all this teasing. Then she pulls off her dress in one sure movement and she's left in nothing but her high heels. His struggling against her hold ceases immediately. She'd _planned_ this, wearing nothing beneath her gown.

He swallows thickly as he takes in her gorgeous body. Every time she reveals herself to him, it's as if it's the first time. He's always filled with awe and a sense of humbled reverence that she allows him to see all of her like this.

She holds his eyes as she crosses the room, never looking away as she smooths her hands up his thighs then releases his desperate erection. He blinks, held in her thrall. Slowly, so slowly, she straddles him and lowers herself onto him.

"Oh, Force, Rey …" he gasps out as she takes him inside her. He feels every ridge of her velvet depths. After her torment, her tight heat is like relief and wildfire both. He lets out a guttural groan when she begins to move up and down, grinding herself against the base of his cock.

"Please, let me touch you," he begs, pushing again against her power.

She grins and he feels the pressure of her Force hold fall away. Instantly his gloved hands are on her hips, pulling her down onto him almost brutally as he drives up into her.

"Maker, yes," she moans.

There's something about how she's beautifully nude and he's entirely clothed that feels delightfully debauched. But he needs to feel her skin, and he's about to pull his gloves off with his teeth when she stops him.

"No, gloves _on_ ," she demands as she makes him dig his heels into the deck with a particularly deft roll of her hips. Her face is fierce and just a little dangerous.

He still has one hand at her hip, and the other hovering where he'd been about to remove his glove and his eyes go wide as she leans forward and pulls a gloved finger into her mouth.

Oh, Maker. He thrusts up rapidly at the sight of his leather-clad finger disappearing between her petal-pink lips. Kylo has _never_ seen anything more erotic in his _life_. She keeps her movements steady, and she feels so damned good that all he can do is groan helplessly.

She lets his finger go with a wet pop. Then her eyes grow darker when she orders, "Now, touch me."

He doesn't need further explanation as his hand flies to her center, finding the apex of her pleasure. He's careful to be gentle, the leather so much rougher, but she growls, "Harder." He complies, circling her clit with as much pressure as he dares.

He trails his other gloved hand up her back and she gasps. Her eyes widen and she snarls, "Yes, oh Maker, yes!"

She's riding him hard, breathing rapidly, and all the while she never lets go of his gaze. He can barely keep up with what's happening. She's taking him, all of him, and all he can do is her bidding. He feels _owned_.

He's lost the ability to form words and she's clenching around him, he swears he can feel her pulse in her tight, hot perfection. He flicks her clit just a tad more rapidly and she lets out a howl that doesn't sound human.

"Kylo, Maker, I love your cock, gods I love your cock!" She bucks wildly above him and her orgasm crashes over him through the Bond. He's so close, so close.

"Yes," she hisses. "I want you to fill me up. I want to know you're still in me _all afternoon_." Her voice is low and dark and the thought of her sitting innocently with his release still _inside_ her is enough to tip him over.

A string of obscenities fall from his mouth as his release rips through him, almost violently. He comes into her frantically, grasping her hips so hard he's sure there will be bruises. Her fathomless eyes seer into his as the last pulse is pulled from him.

She moves up and down him one, two, three more times then she settles in his lap. He can't catch his breath. He can't catch his _thoughts_.

Rey leans forward and kisses him gently then tucks her head under his chin. They both breathe harshly. He wraps her in his arms and holds her closely to him. Once they're slightly recovered, she pulls back and looks at him. He's surprised to see shyness in her expression and a bit of embarrassment over the Bond.

He cups her face with his hand then frowns. This time he does remove his gloves, then he's stroking her cheek. "What is it?"

"That wasn't … too much?"

"Force, _no_. That was phenomenal!" He's finally beginning to breathe normally. He's softened within her, but he likes the feeling of still being connected.

"So you didn't mind, that it was like … how before, you clothed, no skin touching?"

He hadn't even noticed a similarity … everything truly is different with his beloved. "Rey … that was nothing like how it was before. It's simply impossible for me to be with you like that. Is that … is that why you did this?" he asks, a strange feeling of fear rumbling in his chest.

"No! I hadn't planned on anything beyond getting you in here and then … I just … I wanted to feel your gloves and I was too impatient to take off your clothes." She ducks her head and a slight blush stains her cheeks.

"Well, I'm very glad you did. I know I've been … nervous about dishonoring you when we make love, treating you poorly, but I'm finding that it doesn't seem to matter what we do when we're intimate. It's always real. It's always connected." He feels the weight of his history fall away and he sees that the past truly has no bearing on what is between them.

"Really?" she asks with a devilish little grin.

"Really." Only Rey, only ever Rey.

"Oh good," she says eagerly. "Because I heard about something I'd really like to try."

"Anything, darling," he says as he strokes his fingers through her hair.

She leans forward and whispers in his ear.

His cheeks are still burning when they reach her quarters to shower.

* * *

He's standing in the hangar with Rey, Kes, and Finn. He's to the side while the women flank Finn. Finn's face is tight with nervousness and Kes keeps her hand on his arm.

They watch as the First Order medical transport lands and the waiting is long as personnel stream out. Finally, a gurney is pushed down the ramp and Kylo looks over to Finn.

Finn is rigid as the gurney nears them. A heavily bandaged man reclines back on the moving bed. He looks very much like Finn, their relationship obvious. He's of a more slender build, his height impossible to determine. As the small group of attending medical officers approach, Finn finally moves forward.

Rey comes to stand near Kylo and Kes stays at Finn's side. They're a few feet from Kylo and he hears Finn's shaky voice say, "Hi, Galen … I'm … Finn."

The man breaks into a large smile. "I know, they told me, little brother. I've never forgotten you."

Finn stumbles slightly and Kes keeps a steadying hand on him. "You remember me?"

"I was 5. You were 2. They could never take you from me, Bean."

"Bean?"

"It's what I called you when we were little. Because our mother, she called you that when you were still in her belly."

"Our mother? You remember …"

"And so much more."

Finn's eyes glisten and he just nods. Kes steps forward. "I'm Kes. I'm Finn's friend."

Galen looks keenly between them. "Friend, huh?"

Kes smiles noncommittally. "Let's get you settled," she offers while Finn tries to gather himself together.

Rey pulls at Kylo and they start to leave, letting the newly reunited brothers have their peace.

"Wait," Galen calls out. "Supreme Leader?"

Kylo turns back to Galen, "Yes?"

"Sir … I just wanted to say thank you. For everything you're doing."

Kylo looks down for a moment, then meets Galen's eyes. "No. It is I who thanks you. Without your sacrifice, and that of your brothers and sisters, none of us would be standing here. A great wrong was done to you, and yet you still stood up for your oppressors."

Galen looks up pensively. "Things change. New allies are made. As far as I'm concerned, Supreme Leader, you have earned my loyalty."

Suddenly it's Kylo who can't speak.

* * *

It's the last day of the talks. Committees have been formed, provisional governing bodies assigned.

"We're all in agreement that until the 13 are elected, Kylo … Organa and Leia Organa will lead?" a Resistance general says.

All of the heads around the table nod and Kylo groans internally. After years of imagining himself leading, he finds he's lost his taste for it. The more he thinks about it, the more he just wants to be somewhere quiet with Rey. She's really all that matters to him now that the galaxy is heading towards real and lasting peace.

"Then, with that last bit of business, we are adjourned! I hope you will all join us in the officer's mess for a small celebration!" his mother offers … orders.

This time, he'd been quite clear about that blue liquor she'd served at her last gathering. That was _not_ going to be on the menu.

* * *

He wanders the crowd. This is a much larger party than last time; so many more delegates, and he'd invited far more of the stormtroopers. It's going smoothly and he feels something approaching satisfaction.

He tenses as his uncle joins him, approaching without warning. They may have made some sort of peace, but he's nowhere near close to feeling comfortable in the man's presence.

"Uncle," Kylo greets him.

"Look at her." Luke gestures over to Rey, who is speaking with Finn and Kes.

She looks every inch a queen and he enjoys the warmth spreading along his chest. "Yes. She's remarkable."

"I know that you were angry at me for not training her, but somehow I always knew … she was not meant to be a Jedi. She's meant to be so much more."

He's not really sure what Luke means, but he can't argue that the life of a Jedi was never her path. Luke nods at him and continues to make his way to his sister.

Kylo looks at his mother. She's smiling, laughing, but she looks … tired. They've done something remarkable together, but some of her fire has gone out. He wonders if it died with his father. He can't think about that now, not when everything is finally making _sense_. The two largest factions in the galaxy have made an accord and now only time will tell how many worlds will stay, now many will join. While there are vast details to be hammered out, the basic structure is known.

The sectors have been drawn up, and now it will be up to their worlds to determine membership. There are base requirements for entry into the Coalition—as they've taken to calling it—and those are non-negotiable. No slavery. Basic income for all citizens. The government manages major industries. Small commerce is untouched. Education, medical care, provided to all citizens.

The largest surprise had been the stormtrooopers. Almost all had voted to stay on as the defensive force of the Coalition in return for proper wages, a rather significant uniform change, officer training for those with the aptitude, and, most importantly, the institution of the fledgling group dedicated to finding their families. The Resistance had been accumulating a great deal of intelligence, planning for the day of their liberation. Paired with the opening of the First Order files, it's really only a question of logistics and luck. His lips make a thin line as he remembers the lead on Kes's family had come to nothing.

He pulls from his musing when he hears Rey's slightly raised voice not far from him. "I don't want to meet them!"

"But Rey, after meeting Galen, how can you not want to know?" Finn asks.

"It's different!"

"Rey, sweetie, it really isn't. From what you've told me, they want to meet you. This isn't … this isn't like your mother," Finn pleads.

"You weren't there," Rey hisses.

"But I was," Kes says quietly.

By now, Kylo is almost to them, but he hangs back. Rey says, "So you understand! You know how awful …. _she_ was."

Kes furrows her brow slightly. "They haven't found my family yet … so no … Rey, I don't understand. To have this chance …" Kes trails off.

Rey's face moves from defensive to contrite. She puts her hand on Kes's shoulder. "You're right … you're right."

Finn says, "You'll see, it's going to be a good thing. Why would they have been looking for you if they don't want you?"

Kylo decides now is the time to make his presence known. Rey is trembling and the Bond is broadcasting wildly. She's close to tears and doesn't want to be in public.

He glides up next to her and puts his arm around her waist, pulling her to him. In her ear, he whispers, "Let's go."

She looks up at him with such gratitude. "Really? You don't have to stay for … appearances?"

Kylo shakes his head. "They know where to find me."

She waves to Kes and Finn, who are left looking concerned.

* * *

Back in her quarters, she asks, "Did you hear?"

"Yes, I heard." They're standing just in her entryway.

"Kes is right … it would be so selfish of me not to meet them when they can't find her family."

He removes his gloves and returns to her, taking her hands. "It hasn't been long, I have faith they'll find something more. We'll find Kes's family, or at least what happened to them. I promise."

"You can't promise that."

He sighs. "No, you're right, but I can promise to never give up."

He pulls her into his arms and Rey nuzzles into his chest. "Thank you."

"You know that Kes has become quite important to me."

"Yes, I know, but I didn't mean that, though I am grateful you're looking for her family. I meant thank you for letting me come to this in my own time. I think … I think I'd like to see that file."

* * *

He brushes her hair while she reads, not remarking on the tears spilling down her face.

"Oh," she breathes out.

"Mmm?" he nudges.

"My grandfather … he ran a nursery … how much I love plants … do you think …?"

"I do, Rey, I do," he says gently as he runs the brush through her tresses

* * *

Now she's settled in his lap and she's just come to the holo. She gasps and looks at him wildly. "Is this … is this them?" she asks as the holo coalesces in front of her.

"Yes, that's them. It's a year old."

Her grandfather is of average height, with a rather prodigious belly. Her grandmother is tall and willowy, built like Rey. They're smiling and holding hands.

He watches as Rey's trembling fingers touch her grandmother's face.

* * *

She's very quiet for the rest of the evening, but he doesn't press her. He draws her a bath and gently washes her back, tending to her body while her mind is a storm. He catches her both smiling and crying in turns, always saying nothing.

She's pulled deeply into herself, the only reason she's allowing him such liberties. He dries her off, softly rubbing her with the thick towel. He loves it when she lets him just take care of her.

He pulls out a cotton nightgown but she shakes her head. "No, I want to feel your skin."

"As you wish."

He bundles her into bed and she quickly molds herself into his embrace. Her back is to his front and, as always, she fits perfectly.

Kylo is almost asleep when he hears Rey whisper, "I'd like to meet them."

"Alright, Rey," he murmurs into her hair as he tightens his arms around her.

* * *

A/N: Thank you so much to BB2, Juulna, for being extra freakin' amazing this week. I was horrid an didn't get this to her until past midnight her time. What did she do? Hit it first thing and got it back to me by the time I woke up. You are just spectacular, m'dear.

Can you guys believe the trailer? I'm still reeling. Speaking of that, I wrote a one-shot based on said trailer called Betrayal that is also posted here on FF. I hope you like it!

Thank you readers. We have one more chapter and the epilogue to go. Hold me! You guys really have seen me through the experience of a lifetime and I know I don't have the words to express my gratitude.


	74. Chapter 74

Kylo presses the alert on Shree's quarters. She opens the door and smiles an amused smile.

"Hello, Kylo. I should warn you that I have company."

Oh. Armitage must be within. He'd come to see Shree on his way to the bridge and clearly his second is running a bit late this morning.

Kylo clears his throat uncomfortably. "Would you prefer I return at a later time?"

A teasing light glints in her eyes. "No, now is fine. I just thought I should warn you."

She steps back and beckons him in. Once through her door, he sees Hux sitting at her dining table; they've clearly just finished breakfast. Well, at least they're both properly dressed.

"Supreme Leader," Hux greets him mildly, his expression irritably unreadable.

"General Hux," Kylo responds.

"You know, you're going to need to stop calling him that," Shree says to Hux.

Hux's expression sours. "The treaty doesn't go into effect for another four days."

"You could always just call him Kylo," Shree teases.

Absolute horror crosses Hux's face. "Minister Organa will suffice, thank you."

Kylo can't help but enjoy Shree's obvious enjoyment of Hux's discomfort. "Oh, I don't know, what do you say, _Armitage_?"

Now Hux looks vaguely green and Shree takes pity on him. She says, "What brings you to my quarters this morning?"

"Well, it's fortuitous that you're both here. I need to leave the ship for two days."

Hux stands quickly. "Unacceptable!"

"Hux, everything is calm. The Resistance won't do anything to jeopardize the treaty, and there's something I must attend to."

"No! You cannot leave the ship!"

Shree looks between the two men and intercedes. "What is it you need to do?"

"I presume Rey has told you that we've found her grandparents, that they've been looking for her all this time?"

"Yes, she told me."

Hux continues to fume, but says nothing.

"Well, Rey has decided to meet them. I need to go with her."

Hux breaks in, "Why not have Kes accompany her? Or even … Finn." The distaste is clear on Hux's face.

Kylo is about to explain that he must support her in this when Shree says, "No, Armitage. He should be with her. She'll need him."

Hux glares at Shree but says nothing.

"What if the _Finalizer_ goes to Preslan? You'll be nearby if you're needed. It's not far from our current position," Shree offers to Kylo.

Hux's jaw clenches but he finally says, "That would be … a suitable solution."

Kylo thinks of how he would have responded to this in the past, how he would have just choked Hux and told him what would happen and he finds it difficult to recognize the man he used to be.

He wonders how many more moments like this there will be as he learns to navigate everything differently.

"I agree. Thank you, Shree. You'll make the arrangements, Hux?"

Hux sighs. "Of course, sir."

* * *

Kylo has Analyst Bast arrange their visit and explain that the Supreme Leader will be accompanying their granddaughter. He finds that he's a bit nervous to meet them. What will they think of him? Will they think him worthy? He loves her fiercely, but this is her _family_.

* * *

He holds Rey's hand as his shuttle descends on Preslan. She's chosen to wear something simple: her preferred light tunic and dark leggings. He's very proud of her that she didn't wear her hair in her three buns, opting for a braid down her back.

She's pale and very quiet. But, just as she'd promised, she's not closed the Bond once, so he knows how scared she is. He draws his thumb over the back of her hand and infuses their connection with his love and support. She smiles slightly and squeezes his hand back.

Perin and Gallya Tren are standing outside of their modest house. They live on the outskirts of a small settlement and there's plenty of space to land. Rey's face is almost glued to the viewscreen.

"It's them. Oh Force … my grandparents. I ..." She turns her face away and shudders. "I don't know if I can do this."

"You can, sweetheart. I know you can. Look at them, they're so excited."

He gestures out the viewscreen and she glances back out to see. Her grandparents are standing arm in arm and he can see their eagerness.

Rey takes a deep breath as the shuttle settles into the soft ground. He hears the ramp open behind them and she sits completely still for a moment before she shakes herself and stands. He stands with her and offers her his arm.

She looks up at him and he feels such gratitude as she slips her arm through his. He remembers how allowing him to escort her had been one of her first tentative gestures and he leans over and kisses her forehead.

"Remember, I'm right here. You are not alone. You will never be alone ever again."

She's begun to tremble but she smiles and says, "I know."

He cups her cheek with his large hand. "Do you?"

Rey holds his eyes and says with conviction, "I do."

He nods and they turn to move to the ramp.

* * *

They walk towards her grandparents and when they're several paces away, Gallya, her grandmother, breaks from her husband and rushes up to Rey. She's about to reach out for Rey but stops herself. Her hazel eyes are brimming with tears.

"Oh, my beautiful Rey …" Gallya breathes out. Then she does reach for Rey, putting her hand on Rey's shoulder. "You're even lovelier than I'd imagined you would be."

Rey shrinks into Kylo's side and Gallya's expression falters. Rey is teeming with trepidation and Kylo pushes confidence through their Bond.

Perin approaches slowly. He has a friendly face and his eyes are wide. "Little Star, is it really you?" he asks. Then he chokes on a sob and he too has tears in his eyes.

"I … yes … it's me." Cautiously, Rey pulls from Kylo and walks towards her grandfather, her grandmother moving with her.

Then, all at once, the little family is wrapped around each other, laughing and crying.

"Little Star, Little Star," her grandfather repeats with his arms around his wife and granddaughter.

"I always knew we'd find you, my sweet girl," Gallya croons as she strokes Rey's hair.

Kylo stands to the side and watches, wondering why he suddenly feels so cold.

* * *

They're sitting around her grandparent's small breakfast table and Perin is preparing tea. Kylo watches as her grandfather keeps looking over from the kitchen, as if to assure himself that Rey is still there.

There had been an odd moment where her grandparents had remembered precisely who Kylo is. Preslan is a First Order world and they had both shown trepidation and a touch of awe. Rey had gently explained the changes and had only said that Kylo is important to her. He hadn't liked that description—it was wholly lacking—and now he's feeling like perhaps he shouldn't have come after all.

He feels too big in the small house, but Rey fits perfectly and he doesn't like how distant he feels from her.

"Oh, Rey … tell me everything. I only know that somehow you ended up with …" Gallya gestures to Kylo and only looks at him for a moment. It's not disapproval, precisely, yet he can sense that Gallya isn't happy to have Kylo Ren in her home. He suppresses a frown.

Rey looks down and Kylo feels Jakku rip through her. Normally, he would reach for her, comfort her, but for reasons he can't fathom he doesn't feel like he should reveal how intimate they are with each other.

When Rey looks up, her eyes are swimming with pain. Gallya gasps. "What is it, child?"

"It's not … good," Rey finally says.

"Oh no … tell me, please."

Rey takes a deep breath and when Perin returns with the tea she begins to speak.

* * *

She tells them of her heart-breaking abandonment and Kylo's hands are flexing to tangle his fingers with hers but he doesn't, not sure why not. Then she paints the stark, lonely picture of the long years she spent barely surviving. Rey doesn't delve into how she'd first crossed Kylo's path, vaguely saying that they'd met just over a year ago.

By the end of her recounting, which had skimmed over much of the worst of it, Gallya's face is tight with fury and Perin is hanging his head.

"I waited … I waited for so long …" Rey murmurs.

Swiftly, Gallya stands and goes to the other room. Rey looks up in confusion, and Kylo feels her fear that her grandmother has decided that a scavenger from Jakku isn't good enough. _That_ he cannot allow.

Kylo stands as well and moves behind Rey, placing his hands on her shoulders and saying through the Bond, "No, beloved, no. She's not rejecting you. She's only angry you've been hurt so." It's a feeling he knows well.

Perin looks between Rey and Kylo speculatively as the silence builds, but it isn't long before Gallya returns, holding an armful of packages. She puts them on the table in front of Rey and goes to her knees next to Rey's seated form.

"We looked for you. For 20 years and six months, we looked for you. I have dreamed of this day every moment since we lost you. Each year, I would make you a present on your birthday. I wanted you to know that I never forgot you. Never. I'm so sorry we couldn't find you. I'm so sorry you had to live through that."

Rey looks at the mound of gifts and seems almost afraid. "You … you thought about me?"

"Oh, Little Star, not a day went by that we didn't," her grandfather says gently. His eyes are full of love and sadness in equal measure. "Every spare credit went to searching for you."

Rey's hand flies to Kylo's and she grasps it desperately, clinging to him. He can feel how overwhelmed she is, and through the Bond he says, "It's alright. It's alright to let them love you, sweetheart."

Rey nods slightly and he feels her mind gradually calm, while his own is only growing more conflicted. The bonds of family are quickly lashing around her and his own love for her feels somehow less important in the face of the staggering devotion of these two people. This … this is what Rey has always needed. Not him.

Gallya picks up one of the packages, the wrapping faded with time. "Now, this I made for your first birthday …"

* * *

Rey looks at a lifetime of love spread out on the table. Toys for a little girl, a dress for when she turned 13, a set of tools … every gift carefully created or selected. Kylo has retaken his seat and Rey looks over at him with huge eyes.

In his head, he hears, "They … they love me."

"Yes, beloved, they do."

Rey keeps blinking down at all the gifts and then she starts to sob uncontrollably. Gallya's face crumples and she swiftly wraps her arms around Rey. Kylo wants to do something, _needs_ to do something. Rey is hurting. But then Gallya says, "It's alright, my perfect girl, Grandma's here."

Rey cries even harder and Kylo understands he's not what she needs. He looks away, confused by the growing ache in his chest.

Perin catches Kylo's eyes and gestures with his head for Kylo to follow. He clearly wishes to give his wife and granddaughter privacy.

Kylo doesn't want to leave Rey, however she has more than him now. She has her _family_. People who have never hurt her like he has. People who have only ever loved her. They've never done anything but search and pray. If he should trust anyone with his beloved, it's her grandmother.

His arms are aching to hold her as he watches her cry. But she's put her arms around her grandmother and he can feel through the Bond how safe she feels with this woman. He can feel her heart beginning to mend, filling holes he never could.

Stiffly he rises and follows Perin.

* * *

Perin leads Kylo into a small greenhouse. It's modest, but the variety of plants is astounding. It bursts with the scent of _life_. He smiles when he sees a collection of air-flowers, just like the one he'd given Rey.

Perin walks over to a stunning bush, blooming with vibrant red flowers. The leaves are the deepest green he's ever seen.

"I planted this when Little Star was born. It's a Yallen plant. It blooms for three months annually, starting the year after it's planted. It's nearly finished for this season. Every year, even without looking at a calendar, I knew when her birthday was coming because the buds would begin to form. We would always gather together the first flowers to remember when we had that sweet babe in our arms."

Kylo watches as the stout man gently strokes the glossy leaves. This man seems to be gentle in everything he does. The way he tended to his family by making tea, his understanding that they needed time alone. Shame squirms in Kylo's belly as he thinks of all the times he didn't see what Rey needed even when she'd been shouting it at him. Somehow, her grandfather senses things in a way Kylo cannot, even with the Force.

Perin's eyes are far away, clearly lost to memory and Kylo realizes he doesn't know how it was they came to be parted from Rey. "How … how did you lose her?"

Perin sighs deeply and his eyes fill with pain. "Lanny … she was troubled. We made mistakes with her. She had a sister, but she died." Perin looks over at another Yallen plant, quite a bit larger. Then Kylo notices yet another … for their daughters. He wonders how Rey's grandfather has managed to stay so caring in the face of so much loss.

The older man grimaces before continuing. "Lanny was there, they'd been playing when a man lost control of a speeder." He takes in a shuddering breath. "Jerush died instantly, but Lanny always blamed herself. We … we were so consumed by grief we didn't realize how we were ignoring her. Then the spice got her and, well … you know what happened after that."

Perin picks up some shears and begins to trim away a few dead leaves and Kylo waits for him to continue. Eventually, he says, "She came home pregnant. We thought she'd let us raise Rey, but … we got into a horrible fight and the next morning Lanny and Rey were gone. Rey was six months old. Here, I have a holo."

Perin puts down the shears, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a small disk. Rey's little face comes into view. He can just see the beginnings of her features and her unmistakable dimples. Kylo finds his throat constricting. This is her family. These are her people. She _belongs_ with them. He … he's nothing but destruction and he blinks furiously.

Perin smiles softly at the image before turning off the holo and returning it to his pocket. Then he looks at Kylo with a cocked head. "I never thought I'd have the Supreme Leader in my greenhouse. What, precisely, are your intentions with my Little Star?" The affable, friendly man's demeanor is showing steel.

Kylo would have known exactly how to answer that question yesterday. He loves her. He wants to spend his life with her. He wants to keep her with him always. But instead he just says, "I only want her to be happy."

"And do you think being the … companion of Kylo Ren will bring her that happiness?"

He's always wanted to do anything to make her happy, so certain he could find a way and yet he's never asked this simple question. He could explain how he's no longer Kylo Ren, but that feels like justification. He wants to tell him that she would be far more than his companion, that she already is, but that feels like evasion. Because the true question is if Rey will be happy with _him_.

Bleakness washes over him. How could she be, really? With everything he's done. He's hurt everyone he's ever loved. Yes, he feels that he's changed, but it's only been a month since he finally opened his eyes. How can he trust himself with Rey?

She has her family now. What she's always wanted. What is a year of devotion in the face of a lifetime of searching? He was just an accident. Perhaps the Force never acted to bring them together. Perhaps if their paths had never crossed …

Kylo thinks about how much these two people love his Rey. She would be so happy here in their little house. It's all she's ever wanted. With him … she'll be consigned to a life of living in the public's eye. He remembers how much she'd hated the holonet talking about her. She's never liked the coldness of space. Here she would be surrounded by her grandfather's greenhouse and garden, not the pale imitation he's tried to create for her.

Here … here, he can see her coming to terms with Jakku in a way he can never provide. Here is the love she needs. His love … it is far too selfish.

Perin has patiently waited for Kylo's answer. Finally Kylo shakes his head. "No. No, it won't make her happy."

Perin nods and puts his hand on Kylo's shoulder. Kylo shudders but then finally meets the other man's kind eyes. He finds understanding there and he sees what he has to do.

"Take care of her?" Kylo asks, his voice breaking.

"That's all we've ever wanted."

* * *

He's trying to keep from breaking down as he walks to his shuttle. She finally has the place where she belongs. That's what matters. He can bear anything as long as Rey is happy. He'll always know how she is through the Bond. That's enough.

He'll have her things sent. Maybe Kes can bring them as well as her cat, and it will allow the young women time to say goodbye.

He's almost to the ramp when he hears, "What do you think you're doing?!"

He turns to find Rey running towards him. "I … you have what you've always wanted. Your place is with your family."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I … thought … now that you have your grandparents that you'd want to stay with them."

Rey rolls her eyes. "You really are an idiot."

"I didn't want to make you choose."

"There's no choice to make, Kylo."

He flinches. Of course she'd never pick him now that she has her family.

"No! That's not what I meant. I meant that I want to be with _you_. Finding them is a dream come true, but I don't want to stay here. Obviously I want to stay for a bit _now_ , visit them when I can. But why would you ever think this changes anything between us?"

"Because of everything I did to you. What I took from you. I know I've made changes, but …" She's standing right in front of him, and the need to hold her, the need that never goes away is making this that much harder.

Rey's face grows deeply concerned. "Don't you know how much I love you?"

"I … how could you, really, after everything I've done to you? Besides … you've only ever … accepted the Bond. I know you'd never choose it." Yes, she'd told him she was coming back to him, choosing him, but in the face of her family it's so easy to see how she would change her mind.

"You think … after everything …" She closes her eyes tightly and breathes in and out.

She opens her eyes and blinks a bit, then she purses her lips and digs into her pocket. She holds something in her fist and looks down nervously.

The Bond is flowing and he feels that warm soft feeling pulsing from her, as well as an odd insecurity but he can't discern her thoughts. She's shielding them.

"I was going to try to do this differently, like the way you do. I wanted it to be special but … well … here."

She opens her palm and he sees a thick silver band glinting against her open hand. A ring? But …

He doesn't say anything, just looks at the ring in confusion.

Rey looks at him expectantly, as if waiting for something, and then huffs a breath and grabs his hand. She holds the ring, about to put it on him. She takes in a deep breath and looks into his eyes. "Will you marry me?"

His eyes go wide and he's certain he hasn't heard her correctly. His jaw hangs open and he stares dumbly at her.

"Kylo? I'm asking you if you'll be my husband."

Her words finally penetrate the fog and it all rushes in at once. Rey wants to marry him? She's … she's truly choosing him? After everything, his months of hunting … she wants to bind herself to him further? It's _everything_ he's ever wanted in one small moment and he's filled with incandescent joy. Rey wants him!

"Yes!" he shouts, and then he's pulling her into his arms and crushing her to his chest. Oh, Force … she's going to be his forever!

She laughs a bit into his chest and says, "I'm not going anywhere, you don't have to smother me."

"Right, right." He loosens his hold but then she's pulling away and he tries to snatch her back.

"Hey, hey … aren't you forgetting something?" she asks with affection.

Forgetting something? He has Rey right here, wanting to spend her life with him, what else could there possibly be?

"The ring?" she reminds him.

Oh, right. He steps back and she takes his trembling hand and slips the ring over his finger. It fits perfectly, and he knows he'll never take it off.

"I thought … since I have a ring, that you'd said meant whatever I wanted it to … well I want it to mean this, that we're pledging our lives to each other. You should have one, too."

He lifts his hand and looks at the band of silver. It has a pattern on it, two twining lines that run around the ring. It makes him think of the Bond and he looks into her nervous face.

"Do you like it?"

"It's … it's perfect," he chokes out, tears of happiness filling his eyes.

"Your mother helped me pick it out while I was with the Resistance."

She'd known she wanted to come back and be his wife? The realization that she'd come back to him knowing that she wanted to seal their lives together wells up in him and he takes her face in his hands, reveling in weight of the ring against his skin, and kisses her deeply.

His wife. She wants to be his _wife_.

The kiss goes on and on until Rey slows the movement of her lips against his and she pulls back slightly, just enough for their foreheads to touch.

"You spend so much time making sure that I know how much you love me, how you'll never leave me. It was my turn." She looks into his eyes and they're so open. " _I_ will never leave you, Kylo. I will always love you. I forgive you. I _choose_ you."

"Oh, Rey …" He has the galaxy in his arms and he's never been more in love with her.

The Bond leaps joyfully around them and he realizes he never has to be afraid of losing her. She's going to _stay_. She wants him. Rey truly wants to keep him.

"Forever," she murmurs as she captures his lips for another searing kiss.

 _Forever ..._

* * *

A/N: THE END!

Epilogue will post next week. I cannot believe it. *bawls*

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to Juulna and CharlotteCAgain. You two have gotten me through writing this monster. When I was scared I'd lost my way, you built me up. When I worried that something was wrong with the story, you helped me either fix it or talked me down. Hours and hours you've given me and gratitude doesn't even begin to cover it.

Readers, oh my gorgeous beautiful amazing readers. I'll gush more on the epilogue I'm sure, but for now please know that you made this happen. Knowing that you wanted to read what happened next kept me writing. I am humbled and thank you with my whole heart.


	75. Chapter 75

EPILOGUE

"I can' seep," Kylo and Rey's 3-year-old daughter announces at their door. Her tooka doll is clutched in her arm and she's rubbing her eyes.

"Come here, darling girl," Kylo says as he gets up from bed and crouches down, holding his arms out to his daughter. "Do you want a story?" he asks as he gathers her up.

She nods against his chest, "Uh huh."

"Are you two alright?" Rey asks sleepily.

"I've got her, get some rest."

Rey has just returned from a long trip negotiating the entrance of Quol into the Coalition. She smiles gratefully and her affectionate expression makes Kylo's heart catch. She's still the most beautiful woman he's ever seen.

He walks to his daughter's room and by the time they arrive, she's already half asleep. No story, then. Kylo cuddles little Gallya close. He sits in the rocking chair next to her bed and starts to rock her gently. Soon she's deeply asleep, safe in the arms of her father. She's just had a birthday and Kylo still can't believe this amazing creature is his daughter.

As he idly strokes his first-born's silken hair, he thinks about how he came to have this beautiful life. He's not sure he'll ever truly understand how the Force could bless him so.

After Rey's proposal he'd been surprised at how quickly she'd wanted to get married. He'd thought she'd wish to wait. But she'd said, "We're bound in the Force, I want to be sealed in life. I want everyone to know that I am yours and you are mine."

He'd happily complied and had argued with Hux vociferously about the event itself. Hux had wanted a grand affair with thousands of guests. The ginger irritant had wanted it to be symbolic of how the First Order and the Resistance were joining forces. Kylo wouldn't even entertain the idea. The galaxy had no claim to his bride and the _last_ thing he'd wanted was for their wedding to be a _spectacle_.

Instead, they'd married two months after the official signing of the treaty that gave birth to the Coalition. In her grandparents' garden, they had pledged their lives to one another. Shree had officiated and Finn and Kes had served as their attendants and witnesses. Apart from their respective families, there had only been a few other guests. He'd grudgingly allowed _Armitage_ to attend as Shree's companion.

There had been a few tense conversations with her grandparents leading up to the wedding. They hadn't been ready to say goodbye to Rey when it was time to return to the ship, so they'd accompanied them to the _Finalizer_ where the details of Rey's life after Jakku had been revealed. It had been … difficult.

At first, her grandmother had been very wary of the Force. Not wanting to reject Rey, the elder Gallya had focused her suspicion on Kylo and the Bond. She'd been relentless with her questions and it had shaken Rey, prodding at her fear that she wasn't lovable, that there was something fundamentally wrong with her.

Then one afternoon while Rey had been showing Perin the ship's hydroponic gardens, Gallya had cornered Kylo.

"This Bond you share. Did you infect her with the Force? Make her bear this burden?" she'd asked keenly.

"No … no. It was always within her. We share an … affinity, but if we'd never met, she would still have the Force."

"And this Bond. Is it why you love her?"

Kylo had shaken his head vigorously. "No, I promise you that from the moment I first _heard_ of Rey I was already … curious. But then I saw her, spoke with her … your granddaughter is exceptional and I hope one day to be worthy of her."

"But it must have affected your feelings for each other," she had pushed.

"It's more the other way around," Kylo had tried to explain.

Gallya had narrowed her eyes and nodded for him to continue.

"The Bond never would have formed if we weren't suited. They're very rare … special. Not unlike Rey. The Force bound us together because we're … right."

"And you truly love her? This isn't some side-effect?"

"It's the purest feeling I've ever felt. I don't know how to explain it, but I have always known that my feelings for your granddaughter have nothing to do with the Bond. The Bond simply gives those feelings … form."

She had let out a troubled sigh, but Gallya hadn't brought it up again. It had taken time for her to stop startling whenever either of them used the Force, however. Her reaction to their powers had made him wistful for his father and how he'd always grumbled about preferring a good blaster to _mystical mumbo jumbo._

Her grandfather was another matter. He had no issue with the Force or the Bond. No, he'd wanted to know the _details_. Kylo will never forget the shame he had felt as he'd admitted to Perin how he'd treated his Little Star.

Perin had been completely silent after Kylo's confession. His usual jovial countenance had shifted to an icy rage.

"I've never hit a man in my life," her grandfather had said. "And I won't start now. But this is the first time I've truly wanted to."

Kylo had been almost disappointed that he hadn't.

"You'd best spend your life making it up to her," Perin had admonished. Kylo wakes each day with those words whispering in his head. He knows he'll never manage it. But, oh Force, how he tries.

Though Perin again warmed to him, and has become one of Kylo's closest confidants, Kylo still flinches at how it felt to reveal what he'd done.

And so his relationship with her grandparents was still settling in those first months. They had accepted him for Rey, but they'd been subdued on their wedding day.

Kylo rests his head on the back of the chair and remembers how resplendent Rey had looked. She'd chosen to wear her gown from Sheytaya, saying that nothing had ever made her feel more beautiful.

They hadn't been able to take much time for the traditional wedding trip, only a few days on Sheytaya. He'd wanted to take her somewhere new, but she had been adamant. She'd said, "Those were our happiest days and I want to start our marriage right."

Rey, of course, had been correct in her insistence. Those few precious days with his new bride had been some of the most transcendent times of his life. They go every year now. This coming year, Kes and Finn will be coming along to help look after little Gallya so that Rey and Kylo can have some time alone.

Kes and Finn had thrown themselves into finding the stormtrooper families with a single-minded purpose that still impresses Kylo. After many months of searching, they had finally found Kes's father. Her mother had died trying to protect her child. Though they had found out that Kes's given name was Erin, she continues to use Kes.

Now that most of the stormtroopers' families have been located where possible, Kes and Finn continue to work with the Coalition's defensive forces. They are the primary liaisons between the soldiers and the government. Galen works with them closely and the brothers have become inseparable. He thinks he's overheard Rey and Kes talking about a possible wedding, but Kylo hasn't pressed for more information.

Gallya begins to snore lightly and Kylo smiles, dropping a kiss on her little head. He didn't think he could love Rey more, but then she'd given him his daughter and it was as if his heart had grown to twice its size. Gallya amazes him every single day with her brilliance and goofy sense of humor.

Watching Rey swell with his child had awoken something in Kylo that he firmly pushes away. He won't think about that with his daughter in his arms.

A sad memory winds through his mind, the first time he and Rey returned to Jakku. She'd been so hopeful that she would be able to sway the people to join this burgeoning new government.

She hadn't anticipated how hard the junk dealers would fight. They'd banded together under the leadership of Unkar Plutt and the people had suffered.

It was the last time he'd drawn his lightsaber outside of training. Rey had gone to Plutt, tried to negotiate, and that vile worm had put his hands on his wife. Kylo hadn't even thought. His saber had been swinging before he'd formed any conscious intent.

But Rey had stopped him with the Force and held both himself and Plutt frozen.

She'd slowly approached the disgusting man and had hissed, "You don't get to put your filthy hands on me ever again. While it's very sweet that my husband wishes to take your head, that's not how the Coalition does things."

Rey had circled Plutt while Kylo had strained against her hold. Watching Plutt's grasping hands touch Rey had ignited a pulsing rage and Kylo had been desperate to exact vengeance.

But Rey had paused and looked to Kylo and said, "Husband, you don't need to protect me. This is mine. Plutt's fate is _mine_."

She'd been magnificent in her fury and Kylo had relaxed. He hadn't liked not being able to act if he had been needed, but he hadn't been able to argue with her. She'd been right, after all. In their six years of marriage, he's decided it's one of her only truly infuriating attributes.

Once Rey had known Kylo would behave, she'd released him and again focused on Plutt. "Why won't you let the people decide for themselves?"

The crolute had scoffed. "That rabble? They don't know what's best for them, but old Plutt knows. Knows what they need. A firm hand, hard work—that keeps them happy."

"Happy?" Rey had snarled. "You think I was _happy_?"

"Always had a smile for Uncle Unkar, didn't you?" The way that worm had leered at Rey had made Kylo have to clench his fists, and his body had been vibrating from the effort it had taken to keep from murdering the wretch with his bare hands.

Rey had curled her lip in revulsion. "The only people happy on Jakku are the junk bosses. Your time is done, Unkar Plutt."

She'd turned on her heel and communicated with Kylo through the Bond that it was time to go.

As they were leaving, Plutt had called out, "We'll just see about that girlie. You might be wearing fancy clothes and have your strange wizard's ways now, but you'll always be a sand rat and you'll always just be trading for portions."

Rey had wept in his arms that night.

But the next morning, she'd woken with renewed purpose and spent the next month methodically flooding the markets with new parts. She'd posted stormtroopers at each major scavenging site with the direction to give every scavenger as much equipment as they could carry and a week's worth of food.

Soon, the scavengers began to lose their fear and started to really listen. The market destabilized with so much excess but the people were always fed. It had taken several months, but Rey had done it. By the time of the vote, she had the trust of Jakku. A few months after that, she'd been elected to the 13, leading Jakku's sector. Now Jakku is thriving, their climate ideal for manufacturing delicate components easily damaged by humidity.

Rey is thriving, too. His mother had taken Rey under her wing and helped turn her into a truly magnificent stateswoman. She had found her voice speaking for those who had none. Watching her at a podium always leaves Kylo in awe, and he tries to be there whenever she has a public appearance.

They settled on Cathne, the capital planet of the Coalition. Kylo spends every day with his little girl while Rey works for the good of the galaxy. Somehow, focusing on his child is the only thing that keeps the guilt at bay. He tends to his family because he doesn't trust himself with power—not anymore.

He tightens his arms around his precious girl. Rey was his salvation and his daughter is his redemption. The way Gallya looks at him, like he has all the answers, how she always seeks him out when she's frightened, like she's safe with him … it has healed so many of his wounds.

For years Rey had pushed him to let her heal his physical scars, but he hadn't been able to shake the feeling that he deserved them. The last time he'd cut himself had been the night he'd first understood how expertly Snoke had manipulated him. It had felt … appropriate that his body be littered with marks, both self-inflicted and not.

The first time Gallya had called him 'Dada', though … that night he'd let Rey's healing light smooth over his skin.

He sighs contentedly and rubs his girl's back gently. Her little mouth is hanging open slightly and he smiles. She has her mother's hazel eyes and his nearly-black hair. Thankfully, she inherited Rey's upturned nose, but the ears … well, he thinks they're adorable.

"Is everything alright?" blooms in his head. "You've been gone a long time."

"Yes, sweetheart, just reminiscing. It's hard to let her go once I've got her in my arms." A wave of love washes over him and he shivers. "Let me get her tucked in, I'll be back soon."

"Good, because I've been gone for three weeks and I've _missed_ you," she sends with a heavy note of _implication_.

Kylo stands as swiftly as he dares and tucks part of his heart into bed. He pulls the covers over her and watches her sleeping face for a moment more before he turns to pad back to their room. To _Rey_.

* * *

Leaving Gallya's bedroom, he trips over their massive orange tabby, Gerrill. He smirks as he remembers the look on Hux's face when Preslan had managed to escape and find his way into Hux's quarters. He'd turned nearly purple as he'd ranted about the mongrel _compromising_ his beloved Millicent. He and Rey had kept one of the kittens and now Kylo must put up with _two_ unnaturally large beasts lounging about his home.

Shree and Hux have never bothered with anything official, but they'd recently adopted a 5-year-old orphan Shree found while scouting new planets for the Coalition. Rey had teased him that maybe one day Gallya might grow up and marry the boy. Just the thought makes him feel vaguely ill.

The Knights of Ren disbanded with the forming of the Coalition.

Shree chose to work with Leia. His mother has become an unofficial advisor to the 13. She's almost an additional member these days. She had tried to keep out of it, like Kylo did, but that had only lasted about a month before she was right back in the thick of things. Her actual role is the Head of New Member Planets. She and Shree have managed to recruit dozens of worlds in the last five years.

Jashad and Palek simply disappeared. He only knows that they left together.

Terin chose to return to his old master and now he travels the galaxy seeking the victims of Snoke's sundering. Rey's healing has reached almost miraculous levels, allowing her to heal their connection to the Force. Every few months Terin returns with a few of them, and Rey travels to Luke's new school to knit them back together with their birthright.

Kylo has never been able to visit. He can't bear to see them again. Luke tries every so often to encourage him to return, to help him train these broken people … but Kylo just can't.

Rey's told him enough. Told him how some had gone nearly insane with grief, and others were lost to rage. A few had simply got on with it. Things are always difficult between him and Rey when she returns from these trips. She tries not to let her anger at him engulf them, but there have been a few long and tear-filled nights.

"Shhh …" comes through the Bond. "That hasn't happened in a long time."

He realizes she's right. Once they'd had Gallya, the past hadn't come for them quite so much. Something about having this bright, brilliant being burst into their lives had forced them to look forward instead of back.

Kylo had been utterly fascinated by Rey's pregnant body. He couldn't get enough of her, how she'd swelled with _life_. Together they had created a miracle and he desperately wants to again. Frankly, he'd keep her pregnant all the time if she'd allow it.

"Come to _bed_ , Husband," Rey says insistently into his head.

Enough musing. His beloved is home and if the images she's projecting are any indication, she has _plans_ for him.

* * *

He's about to crawl into bed when she looks at him with a raised brow. "Aren't you a bit overdressed?"

Kylo grins and pulls off his light cotton sleeping pants before joining her. He feels her naked skin against his as he pulls her into his arms.

"Oh, Maker, I've missed you," she purrs.

"Not as much as I've missed you," he murmurs as he begins to kiss along her neck.

"Hmm, it's a good thing we have the Bond or else I'd go mad from wanting you."

Kylo smiles as he remembers how they'd pleasured each other through their connection just last night. With Rey's schedule, they've grown quite adept at pushing the Bond to its limits.

"I felt you thinking about getting me pregnant again."

He shrugs. She's been quite clear that she has other priorities and they have time. She's only 27.

Rey palms his rapidly hardening length and whispers in his ear, "I had the implant removed on Quol."

He can't quite think between her revelation and how she's stroking him just the way he likes. They may have figured out how to enjoy each other while she travels, but nothing feels like her touch and it always leaves him breathless and quivering with need.

What she's said finally penetrates the haze of lust she's weaving with her clever fingers and he pulls back to look into her eyes in the dim light.

"Does that mean …"

She strokes him just so and breathes out, "Yes, Kylo."

"Oh, Force, Rey," he groans as his cock becomes like iron at the thought of planting another child within her.

He pushes her on her back and settles in the cradle of her hips. He holds her eyes as her legs come up around his waist. He groans at the feeling of all that soft skin pressed against him. He's always especially liked how it feels when she wraps her legs around him, like she's keeping him as close as she can.

"Oh, my love … thank you, thank you," he moans out before he kisses her deeply. Her mouth opens to him and he slides his tongue along hers. She wants another child with him. Nothing has ever made him feel more accepted and his chest is bursting with joy.

Kylo snakes his hand between their bodies and finds the center of her pleasure. She's already hot and slick and he can feel that she just wants him inside her already, but he hasn't been able to touch her in weeks and he's going to take his time.

He starts out slow and she rolls her hips impatiently. "Eager, are we?" he teases.

Rey huffs and says, "Please, _please_ , I need you inside. I'm not traveling for at least another three months, we have time for slow later."

"You've always been so impatient for my cock."

"Please," she whimpers.

"Hmmm, how about this?" he asks as he slides two fingers into her sopping heat. She really has missed him, she hasn't been this wet in a long time.

Rey throws her head back and gasps. "Maker, yes." He curls his fingers and strokes that special spot and she cries out, "Right there, yes, oh stars, yes!"

He continues to pulse his fingers in and out as he sucks at her throat. He loves how her skin tastes and he thrusts his erection against the silk of her thigh. Now he's the one calling out. He's not even inside her yet, just being able to feel her against him is enough to push him forward.

"You feel so good, sweetheart," he croons into her skin.

"You know what would feel even better …" she pants out as he continues to draw his fingers along her walls.

"Oh, I do. Patience."

"Please, Kylo, _please_."

As much as he's enjoying teasing her, he desperately wants to feel her around him again, so he slowly pulls his hand away from her core and grasps his length.

He holds her eyes intensely as he sinks into her needy heat. They both groan deep in their throats from the feeling of truly joining. He starts out at a gentle pace, watching the pleasure move along her face, but soon he's thrusting quickly.

"So good, so damned good," she gasps, her breath hitching.

"Maker, yes," he growls as she tightens her walls around him. _That_ little trick she'd figured out a few years ago and it always makes his eyes roll back in his head.

Oh, his gorgeous wife. He knows a lifetime with her will never be enough. "I love you, Rey, I love you."

He shifts the angle slightly and she keens, "Kylo!"

He grins and repeats the motion and soon she's babbling obscenities. She digs her short nails into his shoulders and he hisses, increasing the pace. Her thighs tighten and she's encouraging him to drive into her even harder, deeper. He can only give her what she wants.

His orgasm is gathering, that delicious tension building. The Bond is almost pulsing with pleasure as they feed each other's rising ecstasy. Rey's face is flushed and she's panting as he pushes into her over and over again.

So close, they're both so close. Maker, he's never grown used to how she undoes him. He doesn't want to. Rey, oh, Rey!

She grasps his face with both hands and he falls into her loving eyes. Her voice is husky when she commands, "Give me another child, Kylo."

Oh holy hell, that's it. Just like that he's gone as his release moves through him with a force that surprises him. He's shouting out as her orgasm twines around his, blurring his vision and stealing all thoughts. There's only heat and connection and Rey. Always Rey.

With one final thrust, the last of his pleasure is pulled from him and he collapses on top of her, breathing hard. He rolls his forehead against hers. "Oh, Rey …"

"I love you so much."

"Maker, Rey, I love you more than I can ever tell you, ever show you …"

She captures his lips and kisses him languidly. Eventually he pulls from her and folds her in his arms as she settles her head on his chest. She strokes her fingers along his skin and they stay silent in the afterglow of joining.

They drift off, sated and wrapped up in their devotion.

* * *

"Kylo! Kylo!"

He jerks awake to Rey's urgent tone. But she's smiling when he looks at her in the early morning light.

"Hmmm?"

She takes his hand and puts it over her belly. Through the Bond she leads him to a little flare of life. He looks back up into her glowing face. "Already?"

"Mmmhmm," she says with smug satisfaction.

Kylo scrambles down the bed and puts his cheek against her taut stomach. He can feel the slight pulse in the Force and the Bond already has a different quality, just like with Gallya. His eyes grow wet and he turns to place a soft caress along her skin.

"Hello, Little One," he whispers. "We love you."

Then he moves back up Rey's body and pulls her into a swift kiss. "Thank you," he breathes out.

She smiles coyly and says, "I _was_ hoping it might take a _few_ tries."

His hands begin to wander as he says, "Well, nothing says we can't keep practicing for the next one."

She rolls her eyes and bats at his shoulder. "The _next_ one? You always have pushed your luck."

Kylo shrugs and begins to kiss his way down her body.

He parts her legs and just before he's about to begin feasting on his beloved she asks, "Just how many children do you want, anyway?"

"As many as you'll give me, sweetheart."

She raises an eyebrow. "No more than three."

He just smiles at her knowingly then delves his face between her folds. Through the Bond he sends, "We'll see …"

* * *

A/N: Thank you from the bottom of my heart to my betas, Juulna and CharlotteCAgain. They have both given hours and hours (and hours) to this story just because they are both brilliant, kind women. They're woven throughout this story, from fixed typos, to avoided plot holes, and many an evening out of phrase. They're my net, and I can't imagine writing without them to catch me. I would also like to thank jackie_01 for her amazing support. She stepped in several times to help get chapters off the ground.

Readers, oh my glorious readers. I wish I could thank you all by name. I truly do not know how to express what it means to me that you've given 'Thwarted' your time. It's humbling and fills me with joy to be able to share my writing with you. I believe that reader and writer share a symbiotic bond when it comes to giving a story life. It only becomes whole when it's read and the reader brings their own life to the experience. So, wonderful readers, thank you for being the other half of the equation.

Juulna and CharlotteCAgain are usually silent partners, but on the occasion of posting the epilogue, they've both included a little note. I am a little teary reading them. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Juulna: Thank you so much, Perry, for trusting me with your baby. It's been an absolute pleasure and honor working on this with you. All of our many long phone calls over the last year and more... it's been an amazing journey. I know I wasn't here for all of it, but I still managed to get my grubby hands all over every piece of it somehow or other. ;) Thank you, readers, for making Perry happy. You've been stellar. Amazing. Phenomenal. You've just... yeah. Thank you for putting a smile on her face, and for giving her so many good memories. I'm so SO glad that you enjoyed this story. Perry did such a great job with it, didn't she!? I think so. But I'm a little biased. SO YEAH. :P Thanks, everyone, and we'll see you around next time! xoxo 3

CharlotteCAgain: It has been an honor and a pleasure to be part of "Thwarted". I was so honored when Perry asked me to help out, and I hope my input was at least a little bit useful. Perry's first fic, "He Knows He Needs to Stop" was one of the first Reylo stories I discovered, and I fell in love with it and her writing style,. Nearly two years later, I feel like she's a true friend as well as a kindred spirit when it comes to writing. I've loved being part of "Thwarted" - the concept of a deeper, darker Kylo in love got me from the beginning, and I have loved seeing Galactic Idiot change and grow up throughout the story. Thanks for trusting me with your work, Perry, and thanks for being a friend!


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